Totally F***ed Up (1993) - full transcript

- Are we filming yet?

Okay, I'm starting.

Wait, move to your right.

Look at me.

- I guess you could say
I'm totally fucked up.

My name's Andy.

My friends call me Eraserhead.

Actually ...

I don't have any friends.

That's not true either.

I'm 18.



- Hello, Andy.

There you are.

Where've you been?

You look like you're having a great time.

- This music sucks.

- So what else is new?

Tommy.

I'm like 19, and ...

Could we start over?

I'm Tommy, and I'm like 19.

And uh ...

Wow.

Check out that bicep box.

Definite slip on the radar screen.



- My heart's all aflutter.

- Yeah well. Catch you later, dude.

- Right.

- I'm Michele.

- I'm Patricia.

And we both think
this is completely retarded.

Hey, have
you seen Tommy or Andy?

I saw Tommy a while ago.

Don't know where Andy is.

I haven't seen
Andy for like an hour,

and it's practically last call.

Maybe he got lucky.

Maybe

He wouldn't have
left without telling us.

Well, I'm fully
ready to get out of here.

This place is giving me a headache.

Going to the wall after?

- Probably.

I'm Steven.

And I'm making this video

because I want to show
the way things really are.

It's never really good to see that

in TV and the movies.

Shit.

- My name is Deric, and I'm 19.

I'm gonna be starting
Otis Parsons in the fall,

which I'm really excited about.

- So is this supposed to be
like a screen test, or what?

- Am I done?

- Okay, cut.

- Hey, where the fuck have you been?

Been looking all over.

- You guys about ready to go?

I'm bored down to my core.

- That's why we're looking for you

in the first place, you nimrod.

- We had to get our
jackets, first all right?

- Wanna go to the wall?

- There's this movement
in like Yugoslavia,

these teenagers, I think
they're called, like

the Black Death Cult, or something,

they've gone on this like suicide kick.

- What?

- They started offing themselves.

The state officials don't
know what to do about it.

- I swear.

People in Europe are such the posers.

- But the best part is,
they get their inspiration

from like, Joy Division,
The Cure, The Smiths.

- Guess they can't buy Jesus
and Mary Chain over there.

- So now all the parents
are banning their kids

from listening to these groups.

- You're making this all up.

- It was in the LA Weekly.

So I slept with this guy,

and he has the most beautiful,
amazing penis I've ever--

Cut or uncut?

Uncut, of course!

- Pass the fucking fire extinguisher.

- God, I can still smell them.

Why is it fags have to
wear so much perfume?

- So they can sniff each
other out in the dark.

- Don't light any matches.

There's a little slut.

Lick my love gun.

Hey I left my jacket in your car

and I'm off to seventh heaven
with this teenage dream.

- You mean that bleach job?

Does he like tear my head off

and stick it in a plastic
bag for sex or what?

- Well, he's not a rocket scientist.

- You know what the value of a twink is.

Jeez, you're a fucking hard ass.

- So what? You gonna pick
up the jacket tomorrow?

Yeah, you be around?

- I think so. Call me first.

Okay. Later taters.

- Don't forget your raincoat.

Thanks, mom.

- Doesn't he ever sleep alone?

- He's stuck in the 70s time warp.

- I'm starving.

- Where do you want to go?

- Not Okadas.

Last time I ate there,
I had cramps for a week.

- Denny's?

- I saw a roach there once this big.

- Gross-amatic!

- We haven't slept
together for, like, a week.

- Four days.

- Same difference.

- Come on, don't mope.

- I'm not moping.

- Come over tomorrow, okay?

Love you sexy baby giraffe.

- Yeah?

- I uh, made up one of those

hokey what's in what's
out lists the other night,

and this is what I came up with.

What's in?

Bigotry, sexism, Jesus, homophobia,

stupidity, violence,

spiritual bullshit,

making money.

What's out?

Punk rock, abortion.

Sex.

Sexual intercourse.

- What am I talking about? Sex?

- I think it's overrated.

- It's such the intense release.

Like this dam busting.

- My favorite thing

is being kissed.

Softly ...

All over.

Like the insides of my thighs.

- I guess I haven't figured
out exactly what it is

I like to do yet.

But I do think butt-fucking
is totally gross.

I mean, how can anyone put their dick

where shit comes out?

Yeah, fuck my ass.

Yeah, yeah.

- Wanna touch mine?

- Safe sex is like, don't
get too carried away,

don't lose control.

- Well, I'm almost kind of glad

that it's not like it
was in the good old days.

Guys getting fist fucked in a sling,

doing it in the bushes,

drinking each other's pee.

I'm sure.

- I'm sorry, I don't feel
like being videotaped

while I'm having sex, all right?

What if my mom got a hold of it?

- She wouldn't care.

I mean, it's not like
she can't hear everything

through these walls, anyway.

There is a slight
difference between hearing it

and seeing it on fucking TV.

- You're such a prude.

- So what?

If I don't let you bring
your camera to bed,

you don't wanna have sex at all, then?

- I don't know.

- I could have sex constantly.

24 hours a day.

- Here comes the sud nipples.

- Sex is total bliss.

A little moment of heaven
in this hell on earth.

- Sex ...

Is just a hassle.

- What do you want?

- I don't know.

I do know that I don't want to be fucked.

Just not into that.

- Well I am.

- Can't we just do something else?

- I'm not into something else.

- Okay.

Fine.

Maybe I better just go.

- Maybe that's a good idea.

- Where's my fucking underwear?

AIDS
discriminates against no one

it strikes both men and women

of every age

race,

and lifestyle.

AIDS kills. It's that simple.

- It's government-sponsored genocide.

Biological warfare.

I mean, think about it.

A deadly virus that spread
only through premarital sex

and needle drugs?

It's like a born-again Nazi
Republican wet dream come true.

- I saw this guy on Night Line once.

He was like a skeleton
with purple, splotchy skin,

just waiting to die.

I'll never forget the look in his eyes.

- AIDS will go down in history

as one of the worst holocausts ever.

I mean, America's committing genocide

against its own people, and eventually

this plague's gonna
rack up more casualties

than Hiroshima and Hitler combined.

And nobody will ever forgive
our lame, shit government

for just sitting back,
and letting it all happen.

And everybody
thinks I'm high, and I am.

And everybody thinks I'm high, and I am.

- Just say yo.

This place always
makes me kind of seasick.

- I know. I hate malls to the max.

- This isn't a mall, this
is a fucking nightmare.

- I have no idea what to get her.

Patricia is so hard to shop for.

Well, these are tasteful.

- God. Yag-o-rama.

So how's happy couple bliss with Deric?

I don't know.

I'm all whacked out.

I mean, I love him and everything's fine

and wonderful, and all that.

- But you're suffocating to death.

It's just getting so serious.

He stares at me with those
big, dreamy eyes of his.

It scares the hell out of me.

- How's your sex life?

Weird.

He just kind of lies there
and lets me do all the work.

Like, I can't remember the
last time he went down on me.

- Have you talked to him about it?

What am I supposed to say?

Excuse me Deric, can I
please get a blowjob?

- No.

Just grab his head like this,

and tell him to open wide.

I've been
jerking off more lately

than I did when I was single.

It's like it's almost easier to do it

over a video or a magazine

than having to deal with the whole thing.

So how does
Deric feel about all this?

You know how he is.

Like a devoted, wants to get married,

fuck he acts like we're 30 or something.

I mean ...

It's great having him around,

waking up, eating breakfast together.

Secretly holding hands at the movies.

But ...

Sometimes I think that the only thing

that's keeping us together is

a mutual ...

Terror of loneliness.

- I think I'm bisexual.

I mean, I've never actually dorked a girl,

or anything but ...

If it came down to it,

I think I could.

Like, I've gotten a boner
before making out with one.

And I like them.

They're soft and pretty.

Fun to touch.

It's not like I'm afraid
of them, or anything.

- I want a baby.

I wanna have a kid of my own.

I know everybody says that's crazy,

that I'm too young, I'm not ready

for the responsibility, blah blah blah,

but I know what I'm doing.

Like last week I had my tarot cards read

and everything kept pointing
towards motherhood, nurturing.

The only problem is, I hate guys.

Well, sex with guys, anyways.

I mean, getting poked with those
big, ugly things of theirs.

Barf me out to the extreme.

I wish that me and
Michele, just the two of us

could have one ourselves,
and raise it together.

She wants one, too.

We have all these plans.

Shit.

Deric?

- I believe in love.

I mean, there's gotta be something

for people to cling to besides TV, right?

- It's like this lie we're brainwashed

into believing from birth.

Think about it.

Fairy tales spoonfed to you at bedtime.

All that sentimental crap
rammed down your throat,

in movies, pop music,
light beer commercials,

all saying the perfect
mate's just waiting for you.

Go for it.

Live happily ever after.

It's all a load of bullshit propaganda.

- Steven and I first met at a screening

of "My Beautiful Laundrette"
at the New Beverly

in the bathroom.

He was standing at the
urinal next to mine,

and we were kind of cruising each other.

I snuck a look down at his thing,

he checked me out,

and he goes "good movie, huh?"

- I fall in love, like, every 15 minutes.

Like the saying goes, love lasts as long

as a squirt in the dark.

- Love is all that matters.

- Love does not exist.

Oh god, look at this lamer.

No, he's nice.

- Nice as a stick in the eye.

- Sorry, girl.

You moved out as Maxwell comes to terms

with his sexuality and
runs off to the Bahamas

with his trainer, Alfonso.

Can I see?

It doesn't say that.

Fuck, another alcoholic wife beater.

- You're doing great there, Trish.

What's that make?

Two drunk, kleptomaniac, and a lawyer.

- Don't forget the dude with herpes.

- Record's finished.

- I'm sick of this.

- Heterosexuality sucks,

even as a board game.

- No shit.

There's not one humpable
guy in the whole pile.

- No? What about Raul, here?

- Ew, he's got a big cyst.

- That's his nose.

- What you putting on?

Cocteau Twins.

- Shit, no.

I'm sleepy enough as it is.

- Let's do something else.

Watching food rot would be more fun.

- We could always raid
Michele's lesbo porn library.

- Uh-uh.

That collection's for a
selective audience only.

- Come on, I've always wanted
to see two chicks go at it.

I mean, what exactly is
it that girls do, anyway?

Make fist-wiches.

- You guys are such the goons sometimes.

- We better go.

Almost 2:30

- Oh fuck, I have to work tomorrow

- You had to remind me.

- Life is shit.

No joke, I'm getting worried.

What?

You haven't had your
dick sucked for a week?

11 days.

11 entire days?

Forget it, sister.

Your party days are over.

That's not funny, dude.

I'm horny as hell.

Why don't you get
off with your best friend?

Who's that?

Your right hand.

Do you use your right hand?

Really?

I use my left.

I'm
ambidextrous. I go both way.

I'm running out of inspiration.

Who are you wanking off to these days?

- I don't need to jack off.

I have a boyfriend, remember?

Yeah, right.

Okay, okay. Matt Dillon.

That closet case?

Well I switch off
between him and Tom Cruise,

or sometimes it's a three-way
with me in the middle,

like an orgasmic sandwich.

Tom Cruise is a dick-less pansy.

Mel Gibson. Now that's
a fuckable movie star.

He looks like a top to me.

An ass like that?

Did you see "Lethal Weapon?"

So who's number one in
your chicken choking,

pray junior?

I'm still stuck on Michael Stipe.

Grody, he's a pizza face.

- He has a sexy voice, what can I say?

- I don't fantasize about anyone.

- Come on, Steven can't be all that great.

Not with his petite
little snack of a dick.

Hey, hey. Fuck thyself.

- I don't.

You're full of shit.

- Really? I don't know. Kevin Costner.

- Masturbate.

Verb, to manipulate one's own genitals

or the genitals of another

for the purpose of sexual gratification.

- Polishing the trophy.

- Stroking the dolphin.

Making oyster soup.

- Shooting tadpoles at the moon.

Doing the two-finger tango.

My rimture awaits your ass

Very oral butt-eater seeks
face-sitter for regular sessions

meaningful relationship.

- Oh, puke.

Hung, hairy,
top seeks slave, son, pet

into BND, PT,

shaving, toys,

enemas, water sports, and diapers.

- Men are filthy disgusting pigs.

Hey, hey, don't
knock it til you try it.

Oh repulse me.

- I'm kidding, Spudnik.

- Yeah, sure.

- Sit on a Coke bottle and spin.

- Oh stop, you're getting me all excited.

Control yourself douche bag.

Mission accomplished?

- No sweat.

100 % grade A, made in America.

You know mine are gonna swim the fastest.

- Yeah.

- Next contestant?

How about you junior?

- Keep it at the office.

- Come on, everybody has
to make a contribution.

- Have somebody else go first.

- Andy, my horoscope made specific mention

of a significant encounter
with a Libra today,

and you're the only Libra in the room.

- I don't believe in that horse shit.

- What's the matter, stud?

Cat got your dick?

- He's got a headache.

You drank the
booze, you ate the chips,

now donate.

- God, don't be a turd, Andy.

I mean, it is for my birthday.

- Why don't you have one of them go first?

Okay, okay.

We'll take our turn.

If Andy needs a little bit more time

to get in the mood.

At last, some real men.

- Don't you got the extra large kind?

- What would you do with it?

Pull it over your head?

- Sorry, only one size fits all.

Want this?

- Are you kidding?

Just in case.

♪ Hi-Ho, hi-ho, it's off to work we go ♪

- Everything that homos
are supposed to like,

disco music, Joan Crawford,
drag shows, I hate.

And Bette Midler.

God I hate fucking Better Midler.

- My mother ...

She is such the royal bitch.

Like, when I told her I was gay,

she forced me to go see
this Beverly Hills shrink

to get cured,

as if paying some snot-nosed
putz in a cardigan

$200 an hour, is gonna make
me like getting porked by men?

- Let me tell you what the problem

with the stupid fucking world is.

All the stupid people
are breeding like mad,

having tons and tons of kids,

while the cool people aren't having any,

so the population just keeps
getting stupider, and stupider.

I mean, it's no wonder the whole world's

going down the toilet.

We don't aim to
kill people, just maim them.

Give them the message to not go out

spreading their diseases.

We're real men, who
aren't afraid to stand up

to the faggot and dyke
scum poisoning society.

It feels great, beating
the shit out of some fairy

spitting up teeth in the gutter.

The way I look at it, exterminating

these cock-sucking vermin is our duty

as good, clean-living Americans.

We're like patriots. Fucking heroes.

Sounds like my
eighth grade gym teacher.

It's a jungle out there.

- Woof, woof.

So, you into Ministry?

- They're okay.

- Did you see them at the Poladian?

- Yeah.

Except I got sick and spent half the show

in the bathroom driving
the force of a bus.

- Really? Drag.

- No kidding.

- So, what's your name?

- Andy.

- Ian.

- Hi.

Come back here! You asshole!

Come back!

I thought you were
gonna say something to me

back at the club,

like right before you
tripped and spilled your beer

all over that chick with
the bone through her nose.

Yeah, I'm kind of shy.

Shyness is nice.

So, what, you go to school, or?

I'm avoiding looking
for a job at the moment.

All else fails, I figure
I'll do CC in the fall.

School blows chunks, man.

I'm a sophomore at UCLA.

- So like, what's your major, dude?

- Undeclared.

- That's cool.

- What I really wanna
do, though, is write.

- Screenplays, like
everybody else in this town?

- Nah.

Fiction, like you ever
read any Dennis Cooper?

- Who?

- Dennis Cooper.

He writes about, like, S&M and torture,

and serial killers.

Guys eating each other's shit.

- Yuck.

- Yeah, it's funny.

You into whips?

No, man. I'm not either.

It's just a lot of people at the club are.

- Hey. Deric?

- Yeah.

Just got your message.

What's up?

- Just got this fever, and
I'm sweating like crazy.

Feel like shit.

- I'm sure it's nothing
to be worried about.

It's probably the flu going around again.

- I know. I know.

I'm just so wigged out.

I just feel like, you know.

Fucking sweaty.

- Well, you need anything?

Me and Steven can come over.

Get a tape, or something.

- Outstanding.

How about "Don and Dirty Dong-lickers?"

- How about something a
little less strenuous?

Yesterday I fucked a smelly dog

who looked like Mick period.

Afterwards, we ...

Cunt probably ...

wet.

What does that mean?

- This is the weirdest
fucking movie I've ever seen.

Cunt could be short for couldn't.

We couldn't probably wet?

Yeah, our pants.

Afterwards, we ...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Should I drink to that?

Can't probably wet.

Yeah, afterwards, you know.

I think that implies a whole lot.

I really like
the city late at night.

It's like a big abandoned ghost town.

Like they dropped a neutron bomb

and nobody noticed.

LA is so fucking weird.

I mean, all the actors,
muscle queens, cars, freeways.

I'm from Minneapolis.

Two years I've been here,
I haven't gotten to know

hardly anyone.

It's the alienation
capital of the world.

Fuck, the other day during
rush hour, there was

this huge traffic jam
at Piko and Westwood.

This homeless dude was
passed out, asleep, dead,

I don't know what.

Just lying there in the
middle of the intersection.

The cars all just kept
on driving right by.

Hey.

What?

- Can I kiss you?

- Don't touch me unless you mean it.

- So, uh ...

What are you doing like tomorrow at noon?

- Nothing.

- You wanna do something?

- Is this like asking me out on a date?

- I was hoping you wouldn't notice.

I've got this ...

Raging boner with your name
on it right this second.

But I mean, I don't want it to be like

I mean, I want to see you more than once.

- Sure.

- So, what?

Want to see a stupid movie
or something tomorrow night?

- Okay.

- Oh, wait. Shit.

I have class tomorrow.

How about Friday?

- I'm free.

- Popular, aren't you?

I think the Kamikaze Dildo
is playing at the Hell Hole.

Sure wish I had someone
here to suck my big cock,

a nice pair of hot lips to
suck the juice out of my dick.

Boy, I wish there was somebody around.

Fuck man, I don't really wanna get my load

down someone's throat.

- God damn fucking reruns.

And when you get
down and suck that cock--

- Patricia got her period.

- Can you believe it?

I mean, I don't get it.

Neptune was in perfect alignment,

Venus was in the right place.

Probably just as well.

What if the poor kid got Tommy's brain

and Andy's cheery personality?

- Hey.

Well, we're thinking about
giving it another try

next ovulation.

- Yawn.

- I know.

They were way better last time.

Now what?

Feel like getting high?

- I always feel like getting high.

- I just like to close my eyes,

shut them really tight,

and pretend, no matter
where I am, I'm in paradise.

- Don't you bump into stuff?

- I smoke,

therefore ...

I am.

Hey, did you read about that couple

that got munched by a great
white shark off Malibu?

- What?

- This pair of county
jack pipes disappeared

while cannon riding last weekend.

The girl

well, half of her anyway washed up

on Zulu Beach, like Wednesday.

- Which half?

Didn't say.

They gave up searching for
the remains of the guy.

- Gnarly.

What a way to go, primo shark chow.

Can you imagine what those
last few moments of terror

must be like before you go into shock

and lose consciousness?

- C'est la fucking vie.

Want some more?

- Nah.

I'd rather do this.

Did you ever have sex on top
of a parking structure before?

Neither have I.

Bet it be cold as shit though, huh?

Well, thanks.

- I really dig you.

Sure you don't wanna come
back to my place and fuck me?

- Uh, some other time maybe.

I really got get home
or my mom will kill me.

Here's my card. Will you call me?

- Sure. Everett.

Later.

- I really gotta go.

I have homework.

- Homework.

I think that we should go for round two.

Once a night just isn't in it for me.

- I really should be going.

- You sure?

Mr. Drab.

- I really gotta go.

- Can I call you?

- Sure. Catch me at work.

Okay. See you.

- Did he say where he was going?

No.

It's probably nothing to ...

Just tell him I called.

Sorry again.

Good night.

God I love your body.

- I ...

Love yours, too.

What do you want me to do?

- I don't know.

What do you want to do?

- Everything.

- Yeah?

What's everything?

- You know.

Well, for starters,

I'd like to kiss the tip of that

very, very softly.

- Oh.

Yeah?

- Mm-hm.

- Would you like that?

- Yeah.

Then what?

- Let's just let nature take its course.

- Uh, don't you want
to shut the lights off?

- Nah.

I wanna watch you.

- There's nothing I loathe
more than doing laundry.

I'm just gonna start
throwing my clothes away

as they get dirty.

So what's up?

You sounded really weird on the phone.

And you look like shit.

- Thanks.

I did something a little
stupid last night.

- What, had an affair or something?

No way!

Shit, it's hot.

Greenhouse effect.

Acid rain, nuclear
dumping. No O-zone left.

The whole fucking climate's a goner.

I give it another five years, max.

- You're sure in a chipper mood today.

You get laid last night?

No shit?

Who's the unlucky dude?

- A friend.

- Was he like ...

You mean he was like ...

So what?

You gonna see him again?

- I guess so.

- Is it like serious, or something?

- He makes my heart beat.

- You sure you don't mean
he makes you beat hard?

- Ha ha ha ha.

Hey Tommy.

Mind if I ask you a personal question?

- 9 7/8 inches.

- In your dreams.

- Got a tape measure?

- Try a magnifying glass.

I was just wondering.

Have you ever been, you know--

- Stuffed?

Yeah, a few times.

Though my motto is, it's
always better to give

than to receive.

Why, don't tell me ...

- Does it hurt?

- At first, hell yeah.

If you just relax.

God, it must be serious.

- Shut up.

- It was this guy, Brendan.

It's not like I'm gonna see
him again, I don't think.

- Well I hope you were smart enough

to have safe sex, at least.

- Yeah, mostly.

It just kind of happened.

He's been coming into the store a lot.

Sort of cruising me.

Never really thought much of it,

then last night, it was door closing

and he invited me over to watch

this bootlegged Nine
Inch Nails concert tape.

If it'd been anybody but Nine Inch Nails,

I would have probably have said no.

But the worst part is the
sex was like totally great.

I mean, I get a hard on
just thinking about it.

So what are you gonna do?

I can't lie to Deric.

But I don't know how I'm
going to be able to face him

let alone sleep with him,

when I can't even get this
other guy out of my head.

You are fucked.

Tell me about it.

- Just another Saturday
night in the gay Mecca

with abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do.

- What are you talking about?

I mean just look at this
vast array of possibilities.

A beer bust at Mala Load
full of old mustached trolls,

a drag show at the Hibachi
with shrieking queens

lip syncing Broadway show tunes,

and hey, it's tired homo disco night.

Rage, pro, and studio.

- Hooray for Hollywood.

- Or we can we stand and pose

beneath the video screens at Revolver?

- This whole town's one giant fag farm.

Now here's a cheery item.

What?

These two 15 year
old guys in Wisconsin

were like secret lovers.

Their families were moving
apart, and rather than face

the thought of being
separated, made a pact

and blew each others' brains out

with their dad's hunting rifles.

Isn't that sad?

- Yeah.

Pretty romantic.

- This is the topper.

One of the kids' fathers
was quoted afterwards saying

"Well, he's better off dead than queer,

"as far as I'm concerned."

- Heartwarming.

You hungry?

- Some scam, huh?

- Don't you have like
50 cents or something?

- No.

He's probably faking.

- I don't care.

So where do you feel like eating?

- I'm sorry.

Yeah, I know I was supposed to come over.

Just been working on
that research for class.

Yeah, subjective POV from
affected space thing.

- I understand.

It's just that

I miss you.

That's all.

- Miss you too.

I've just been really busy.

- Do you want me to come over or not?

- How about if we go to lunch tomorrow?

Can you hold on a second?

Hello?

- Hello, Steven.

Do you know who this is?

- Yeah, sure.

Where'd you get this number?

Oh.

Um look I'm on long distance

with my grandmother.

Can I call you right back?

- Yeah, okay.

You need my number though, right?

- Right. Let me get a pen.

Okay, sure.

Got it, right.

Call you right back.

Deric?

- No, this is still me.

- Oh, shit.

Hold on.

Deric?

- What took you so long?

Who was it?

- My dad's acupuncturist.

Look, I really gotta ...

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Yeah.

Pick me up around 12:30.

Right.

Love you too.

Bye.

Where do you
want to go for breakfast?

- Wherever.

Guess that means Ray's.

- Sure, we've been there, what

three times this week?

Hey, you need a shave.

- What would you do if I told you

I was going to drink
all your blood one night

while you were asleep?

- Drive a stake through your heart.

Get out.

Count Dracula. The phone's ringing.

- So?

- Are you always like a
walking hard-on, or what?

- Why don't you ask?

- Oh, he talks too?

- He smiles, at least.

Look, he's happy to see you.

- Gee, you say the nicest things.

- Fuck off.

Yeah?

Oh, hey.

How you doing?

Look, kind of out my
way out the door right now.

Could I call you back later?

Tonight?

Okay. Bye.

- Who was that?

- My mom.

You know, the usual ...

Eat right, study hard, check
is in the mail routine.

- Gross.

Seen my cigarettes?

- Now what the fuck am I gonna do?

I mean ...

I'm gonna tell Deric.

But ...

It'd be so much easier if
I didn't love him so much.

I slept with this Brandon guy.

It was just sex.

Major, bono-rama, excellent sex.

I can't imagine ever going
out with him, or anything.

Deric?

Oh son of a bitch.

Deric.

Let me go.

Let me go.

Fuck.

Unconsciously
trying to sabotage

my relationship with Deric.

- What am I supposed to do?

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

Fuck you, man.

- He hates me.

- He does not hate you.

- Yeah. And Greg Louganis likes girls.

I suck.

I don't deserve to live.

I just want to lie down
in the middle of the road

and get run over by a Suzuki Samurai.

- Well at least you don't have to deal

with all that guilt anymore.

- I miss him already.

I miss him already.

I know.

I hate to say it, but I
warned you from the start.

Steven's a Sagittarius, and
they are notorious horn-dogs.

Mega unreliable, lousy at relationships.

No, I know.

Never trust a fire sign.

- You know, Deric. It
will stop hurting so much.

Eventually.

- Yeah, but what am I supposed
to do in the meantime?

- Go rigid.

- Fuck it's butt cold out there.

Tommy.

Hey, Jarhead.

- Jay told me you were having a party.

Man, I could use a hit of that.

- Oh no, what the fuck happened to you?

- I fought with my dad.

My mom found all my porn magazines,

and a bunch of condoms
stashed under my bed,

so she and my dad come
in for this big talk.

I mean, what could I say?

So finally, I just told them right out.

I said yeah, I'm a homo.

So fucking what?

My mom was all crying, and my dad ...

He just went like totally berserk.

Started breaking stuff, shoving me around

while my mom was screaming at him.

- God.

- And then they kicked me out.

What a bummer.

So now what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

My mom said
he could stay with us

until he gets back on his feet.

- You know, if you need anything.

- Thanks, dude.

Hey you still seeing
that guy what's-his-name?

- Ian?

Yeah.

- How come we haven't
met your stud muffin yet?

Is he like dog food city, or something?

- No.

- Who's this?

- Andy's collegiate love-cicle.

- Yeah?

Well let's hear the titillating details.

I mean, does this guy have
the ultimate power tool

to end all power tools?

- Patricia, you are so obnoxious.

So is Tommy all right?

I guess.

I mean he must be pretty freaked,

his dad flipping out on him like that.

You ever met that guy?

A total fucking all-American NRA dirtball.

It's a wonder he didn't
blow Tommy's head off

with an AK47.

Scary.

- So he's gonna stay at Deric's?

- Well, for now at least.

- How is Deric?

- Surviving.

- Next time you see
him tell him I said hi.

- Why don't you tell him yourself?

- Deric ...

I know you hate me.

I know you never want to see me again.

But there's just some stuff I gotta say.

I know it's chicken shit of me.

It just seems like the only way.

I just want to tell you that basically

I'm sorry.

I acted like a selfish, stupid asshole.

And I fucked up everything.

I'm not asking you to forgive me.

Or take me back, or anything.

I just want to let you know that ...

Best boyfriend I could ever ask for.

You have to believe me when I say ...

I love you.

And that ...

I didn't want to hurt you.

Ever.

- You fucker.

You've reached me, so talk.

- Hi, it's me.

I thought we were going out tonight,

but I guess you're studying, or whatever.

So you hear about LA's
latest wacky serial killer?

Yeah, some nutcase has
been bumping off hustlers

and leaving their heads
with their cocks stuffed

in their mouths in dumpsters
all over Hollywood.

Pretty charming, huh?

It's around 2:00.

I'll be up for a couple of hours,

so if you feel like calling.

Otherwise, talk to you tomorrow I guess.

Well, ciao.

- The queers were in the
closet a few years ago,

and those disgusting vermin
came out of the closet,

they came out of the
closet, out into the open,

they marched down the street,
but they didn't know it

but God had them on the way
to march down the street

to the graveyard!

- Deric?

Where are you?

- Come on, let's go get
a beer or something.

- I don't want a beer.

I just want to stay here in case.

- The doctor said he's gonna
sleep till the morning.

It's not gonna do anyone any good

you driving yourself
crazy hanging around here.

- I just got the message.

- He's all right.

They just want him to stay the night.

Keep an eye on him.

- Man, I'm sorry.

- He didn't even have a chance.

- I'm thinking he'll be okay.

I mean, could have been way worse.

- Yeah, sure.

Hey, you hungry?

You want a Fatburger or something?

- No thanks.

Look, I really appreciate
you all being here

but I really need to be alone.

Steven.

- I really, really need
to be alone for a while.

- It's me.

- Oh, hey.

Do you know what time it is?

- Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

I just ...

Can you open the door?

I feel pretty stupid out here.

- I got to sleep, man.

I got school in the morning.

- I won't stay all night, I just need ...

I really need to talk, that's all.

- Andy.

I'm not alone.

I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

- No.

No, that's not okay.

- Andy.

- I just wish I was dead.

- Saw this seagull on the freeway once

flying really low, close to the traffic.

Got sucked in by the vacuum created

by all the speeding cars.

Couldn't fly up.

Cars were all slowing it down.

It's flapping its wings
like mad. Saw us too.

Terrified.

Trying to keep from getting
splattered like a bug

on some truck's front griddle.

It just couldn't get out of the way.

Need anything else?

- No, thank you.

Hey did I tell
you I maybe found a place?

It's way dinky in this
shitty neighborhood,

but no reamer on the moving fee, at least.

- That's great.

It's weird, but
I'm almost looking forward

to living on my own.

You know, all that adult
responsibility crapola?

- Well you know you're
welcome to stay here

as long as you want.

Thanks, dude.

You know one day I'm gonna
repay you for all this.

Look what the fucking cat dragged in.

How you feeling?

- Hey, Andy.

I'm all right.

- You look good.

Brought you this.

It's ugly, I know but--

- It's not. Thanks.

Here, I'll put it in some water.

- What's up with him?

It's like he thinks he's what's-her-name,

Alice from the Brady Bunch.

- So what's new?

How's your boyfriend?

- History.

Really? That's too bad.

- Whatever.

Sorry.

You wanna talk about it?

- Not much to say, you know?

Got burned.

Poor little fucking heart got broken.

BFD.

- Well, guys it's the best I can do.

Hey, Tutter, where you been?

Nowhere special.

- Yo?

- Hey, Tommy.

What's up?

How's Deric doing?

- Okay.

A little tired.

Yeah.

Actually he's sort of
taking a nap right now.

- Well, can you tell him I called?

Yeah, thanks.

Right.

Bye.

Fuck, man.

I need this
fucking stupid bullshit job

like I need to get my
fucking head torn off.

So what do
you want me talk about?

Don't you have enough stuff already?

I'm just wondering
what's on your mind.

What's going on?

- Same old, same old.

I don't know. Work, eat, shit, sleep.

Buy CDs, look for a place.

You found one yet?

An apartment, I mean.

- Uh, a couple of maybes. I don't know.

What about sex?

- What about it?

I've been busy.

I've been concentrating on other things.

How's Deric?

- He's fine.

Look ...

If you want to find out about
Deric, don't ask me okay?

Don't put me in the
middle of a mess you made.

You sleeping with him yet?

Home boy.

- What?

Are you sleeping with him?

- You're fucking crazy, man.

Get that thing out of my face.

Get that fucking camera out of my face.

- Yeah, I know.

It's just, I really
don't feel like I'm ready

to deal with him yet.

- It's not like I'm
trying to lay a guilt trip

on you, or anything.

But it really hurts Steven,
your shutting him out like this.

- Still totally painful for me to see him.

- Fuck.

Come on.

- God, how did everything
get so fucked up, anyway?

- Where the fuck is everybody?

- Talk to you later. Bye.

Hi, guy.

What's the matter?

- It's Steven, man.

What a motherfucking ...

- Oh, tell me.

What happened?

- You wanna go for a walk, or something?

- Hey, how about going to the store

and getting me some oregano?

- Sure.

Anything else dear?

- Could you pick me up some
milk while you're at it?

- Okay.

- All I really want is to be
happy for, like, one second.

Be able to look around
and not just see shit,

and say hey, it's a beautiful day.

I want to enjoy life while
I'm still young enough

to appreciate it.

I mean, that's what it's all about, right?