Totally Baked (2007) - full transcript

(triumphant music)

- [Narrator] In 1632, Andy Dufresne left Shawshank Prison

wearing nothing but- - No, no, no, Morgan.

This is an indie job, my friend.

(triumphant music)

In 1632 pilgrims brought the first cannabis seeds

to the United States.

(audience laughs)

- Marijuana is not a drug.

It is a plant that is growing in my closet.

(audience laughs)



- You can't get rid of it.

You know why you can't get rid of it?

It's a weed.

(audience laughs)

- And weed should never be expensive.

To me, weed should be like a lawyer.

You know, if you cannot afford some...

(audience laughs)

Some is appointed to you.

(audience laughs)

- [Interviewer] So to begin with,

have you ever smoked marijuana?

- (scoffs)

- Yes! - Yeah.



(smokers laughing)

- I'll smoke to that.

(school bell ringing)

- I teach high school, everybody, I'm a high school teacher.

My students can always tell when I'm high

because it becomes movie day really quickly.

(audience laughs)

- I totally stand against this friendly, happy, feel-good,

pro-marijuana culture that's out there.

- We're getting fed up with these Washington Nazis.

- Everybody's so different,

'cause some people really like it, and some people don't.

- Let's try to minimize something that I'm sorry to say,

is deadly serious.

- Do I find marijuana to be an aphrodisiac?

Hell yeah.

- (laughs) - Oh, yes!

- [Woman] That's how I roll.

- Pot makes me horny.

- Not for me, no.

- Really? - Yeah.

- They try to tell you that marijuana is not a gateway.

It's a huge gateway!

- Gateway drug.

- Your gateway theory.

- It's possible to just be a pot smoker.

It's not necessarily a gateway drug.

Sometimes, the gate is locked,

and I stay happily within my perimeter.

(audience laughs)

- Persistent marijuana use

leads to the same kind of chronic lung issues.

I'm talking about persistent cough.

(smokers coughing)

(old-timey car horn blares)

- I love my marijuana

the same way I love my wife's pussy,

with purple hairs on it.

(audience laughs)

A little stinky, I'm a bit freaky like that.

- It causes huge lapses in judgment.

- You fucking idiot!

- You are, like, so high.

- These bitches be high on the hookah!

- Hookah pipe.

(gavel banging)

- Never use your stoner buddy for a reference.

When the guy called, he's like,

"Yeah, Dan's all motivated and shit.

(audience laughs)

(inhales deeply)

He don't even smoke that much weed."

- Early adolescence is an especially dangerous

and vulnerable time.

- My daddy said he tried it once.

- We were just messing around.

- I can see that.

Johnny, go home.

(jail door slamming shut)

- I'm a multitasking pot smoker.

It's true.

Just the other day, I was walking down the street,

I was putting eye drops in my eyes,

I was talking on my cell phone,

and I was getting hit by a car.

(audience laughs)

All at the same time.

- You wouldn't let your kid go out

and eat a bunch of deadly nightshade or hemlock.

- I knew in sixth grade, like, I was like,

"I'll probably smoke pot."

- Marijuana.

- Well, it's not for kids.

- Pot.

- I didn't like it at all.

It was in a garage with a bunch of kids.

(jazzy music)

- Jazz musicians and fat girls in Camaros

always have the best pot.

(audience laughs)

- And yet you conveniently let him smoke marijuana.

- Our daughter is using mind-altering substances!

- You never experimented as a kid?

- You can decide to break the law

and eat four pot brownies too.

- [Politician] Now you can sit here and try to tell me

that marijuana is a friendly, fun, silly, little drug,

and I will argue that you are dead wrong.

(businessmen laughing)

- Mary-ji-ji-wayne, huh?

- So why don't we start thinking of the marijuana leaf

the way we think of other leaves like the poison ivy leaf

or hemlock or deadly nightshade?

Because those are all leaves.

The first one will make you itchy for weeks,

and the second and third one will kill you.

(gun bangs)

(bong water bubbling)

- Somebody hands me a marijuana cigarette,

so I take this hit off the cigarette,

this story officially begins right here, okay?

(audience laughs)

Are you all with me, all right?

- All right, so this is a song we want to do

before we get into it, and it's about,

it's a song about every day,

what happens every day in our lives.

(folk music)

♪ When I wake up ♪

♪ I'm lying in bed ♪

♪ I twist up a fat one to fuck up my head ♪

♪ And get baked ♪

(audience laughs)

♪ Totally baked ♪

♪ Sometimes it's brown ♪

♪ Sometimes it's green ♪

♪ Sometimes it's gold with red hairs in between ♪

♪ And I'm baked ♪

♪ Totally baked ♪

♪ I just made an omelet of cheese and vaseline ♪

♪ Put in some salt and a dash of mean green ♪

♪ Now I'm baked ♪

♪ Totally baked ♪

(audience laughs)

♪ I got me a bong ♪

♪ I take where I go ♪

♪ It's a big ol' 10 footer that I carved with my toe ♪

♪ And get baked ♪

♪ Totally baked ♪

♪ Toss me the pipe ♪

♪ Toss me a match ♪

♪ Hell, hand me the bong with the chin strap attached ♪

♪ I'll get baked ♪

(audience laughs)

♪ Totally baked ♪

♪ Throw out the seed ♪

♪ Throw out the stem ♪

♪ I make a phone call I forget who's calling them ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm baked ♪

(audience laughs)

♪ Totally baked ♪

♪ So you know I smoke pot ♪

♪ It's all over town ♪

♪ Even my dealer thinks I should slow down ♪

♪ I'm too baked ♪

♪ Totally baked, ♪

♪ I'm always baked ♪

♪ I'm not a fake ♪

♪ He's fucking baked ♪

♪ Let's go eat a cake ♪

♪ I forgot the words ♪

♪ That's 'cause he's baked ♪

♪ I'm totally baked ♪

♪ I'm totally baked ♪

♪ He's totally baked ♪

(audience cheers and applauds) Thank you, everybody!

Thank you all, I like this.

Thank you!

Oh, boy.

- [Narrator] "Some of my finest hours

have been spent on my back veranda,

smoking hemp and observing as far as my eye can see."

Thomas Jefferson, 1781.

(tranquil music)

(birds chirping)

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

- Meet Dave Bertman, a 37-year-old divorced father of one,

a certified CPA, was captain of his college debate team,

and is a reluctant masturbator.

At the present moment, he's dreaming about salmon.

(Dave moaning)

(tribal music)

- Say it.

- Sinner. - Say it.

- Repent. - Repent!

- Say it! - Say it!

- Say it! - Sinner.

- But in approximately eight seconds,

Dave will become extremely flatulent,

at which point, he will awaken from his dream

into a nightmare from which he cannot escape.

(Dave farts)

A nightmare, which ends in a deadly collision

with his own- (Dave farts)

Hypocrisy.

(suspenseful music)

(calm music)

In a few short hours, Dave will be confronted with a choice,

a choice his very life depends on.

A choice, which could result in the total annihilation

of all mankind.

Okay, that's not entirely true.

I have a tendency to exaggerate for dramatic effect

when I'm doing this.

It's an issue I'm well aware of, and I'm working on it.

Plus, I'm slightly baked, so please bear with me.

(doorbell rings)

(soft rock music)

- Shoes off. - Sorry, Dave.

- Sorry? Don't be sorry.

Just take your shoes off.

Do you like the banner? (chuckles)

Can you believe it's been 20 years

since we've had the whole team together?

- I'm really, really sorry, Dave.

- What's going on?

- He's alone.

- Everybody inside! - What's going on?

- Go! Go! Go!

- What's going on?

- I got carjacked.

- Yeah, sorry about that, mate,

I didn't have much of a choice.

- Shut the door, shut the door!

Where's the kitchen?

I need time to think.

Plus, I've got the munchies, I think.

- The munchies? - Yeah.

- Authorities have received no tips, however,

on two suspects, seen escaping this warehouse.

- Hey, that's us.

- Where earlier today DEA agents discovered

over 2,000 marijuana plants of this very potent G-14 strain.

- That's federal G-14 medical seed, you twit!

- Said he knew about the lab,

used exclusively for terminally ill cancer patients

and that federal agents have no right

to intrude on a state's rights issue.

- Federal agents have no right to intrude

on states' rights issues!

- Hard to believe that with this level of public outrage,

activists haven't made more headway at the federal level.

In any case, we will be following this story

as it develops throughout the day,

and we'll bring you breaking news as it breaks.

But now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

- And now, it's "Mud Slingers" with your host Hack Murphy.

- And welcome back to "Mud Slingers."

Tonight, we're talking marijuana legalization.

Should the weed be freed?

We're joined by professor emeritus from Harvard,

Dr. Willa Peterson, a leading marijuana rights advocate,

and Reverend Elmer Finkle, the Republican senator from Texas

and sponsor of the Milk for Cute Babies and Kittens Act,

which is now being debated on the senate floor.

Now, Dr. Peterson, it's clear you don't support this bill.

- No, sir, I don't.

- Well, I just can't believe how anybody could be against

the Milk for Cute Babies and Kittens Act.

- Well, sir, this bill contains nothing

about babies or kittens.

This is a bill proposing capital punishment

for repeat drug possession charges.

- Well, stand me knee deep in hog biscuits

and call me Aunt Mary,

aren't you just a fancy pants intellectual hippie?

- All right, now that is plain, straight talk

from an honest man.

What say you?

- Reverend, in appendices C and D,

you suggest that the program be funded

by diverting money from education.

- Well, I just don't see how you can come on the TV

with your fancy hair and oppose

the Milk for Cute Babies and Kittens Act.

- Sir, this is a law that would make it a capital crime

to use a substance that is neither lethal nor addictive.

- Ms. Peterson, I don't think you understand the effect

that these drugs can have on my gated community.

- On all of our gated communities.

- I'd like to introduce you to a lovely woman

whose life was ruined by your pot.

Ms. Hallworth, tell them your tragic story.

- My daughter was a sophomore in college,

a beautiful young lady. (sniffs)

her life was perfect until the day she was gang-raped.

She was my beautiful baby, and now she's tainted.

She's damaged goods!

- How do you respond to that, Ms. dopey pants?

- Oh, I'm sorry, did I miss something?

What does this have to do with marijuana?

- Well, this situation would have been a lot worse

if your pot was legal.

- You bet.

- With all due respect, ma'am, your daughter consented,

which I don't think you can really call rape.

- How do you know it was consensual?

Were you there?

- No, ma'am, but I rented it.

(Ms. Hallsworth gasps) - Ah!

There you go, blaming the victim.

How do you sleep at night?

- The victim?

She's listed as the star, the writer, the producer,

and the director.

- Oh! (sobs)

- I hope you're proud of yourself, Dr. Peterson.

- Hack, please.

I came here today to participate

in an intelligent, informed debate

on the relegalization of marijuana.

- Legalization?

The Founding Fathers of this great nation

must be turning in their graves!

- Actually, Hack, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson,

and Benjamin Franklin all grew cannabis.

- These men were also slave owners, Dr. Peterson!

And I will not have you come on my show

and advocate slavery!

- Slavery?

- Look, Ms. Peterson- - Dr. Peterson!

- I am in impartial journalist,

and even though I think you're a criminal with no values,

I am willing to hear you out,

and even offer you a little backup.

That's why we have a colleague of yours here today.

Fellow marijuana activist, Rusty Polten.

- Hey, man, do bongs!

Yo! Hey!

- Oh, Rusty. - Yeah, yeah.

- You share Ms. Peterson's views, yes?

- Right on, brother.

Yeah, I read some shit she wrote in Spleef Magazine,

and I was like, "whoa."

These fascists are trying to take our smoke

'cause they're just too old to party.

- Everything that reverend, uh, establishment here,

everything that he is selling is nothing but,

you know, shake 'n seeds, man.

- Is that right? - Yeah.

- Shake 'n seeds?

- Yes, it is.

One acre of hemp equals, like 40, or like 50 barrels of oil.

Something like that.

And you can make a lot of really rad shit with hemp,

like tapestries, my Hendrix tapestry, rolling papers.

What else?

You tell 'em.

Hats, floppy hats.

But you know what, we're getting fed up

with these Washington Nazis.

Yeah, well, the bong of freedom ain't cashed yet, man!

Me and Willa here, we just packed it

with some premium shit, man,

and we are gonna make sure everybody gets

a rude fucking hit, man!

Whoo-hoo-hoo, pass it around!

(bell ringing) (indistinct chatter)

- That was great.

- Thanks a lot, Rusty.

You have just set the marijuana reform back

another 10 years.

- What do you mean, man?

Come on.

Come on, don't be that way.

Hey, we just ripped these fascists a new one, you and me.

We did it, we did it!

- Rusty! - What?

- Rusty! - What?

- I know that you think you're helping,

but I am begging you to please stay off my side!

- Ah, come on, sister, come on, Willie.

Hey, come on, don't be a buzzkill.

Hey, let's you and me roll up a big spoocher!

Yeah!

Come on, girl!

(Hack and crew laughing)

(door thuds)

(classical music)

- Really excellent work again, Russell.

- Thank you, reverend, I felt it went very well.

I don't think that marijuana will be legalized anytime soon.

- (chuckles) Really, that was just excellent.

The president and the pharmaceutical boys

will be very, very pleased.

- Good.

- Fantastic!

Just a fantastic program, gentlemen. (chuckles)

I don't know when those liberal hippies are gonna realize

that America just doesn't respond to their message anymore.

- Boy, you're not kidding.

(men laughing)

- Now, who wants to light up a fatty?

- Sounds good to me.

(door knocking)

- I was the better natural debater,

but Bertman got the captain-

Hey, everybody, it's Captain Dave!

- [All] Hi, Dave.

- Hey, Skip, guys. - Hi.

- Gosh, it's been a while. - Yeah. (laughs)

You ready to party, Captain Dave, huh?

- Whoo!

- Who are the girls?

(girls laughing)

- I figured I'd bring the entertainment.

I knew you wouldn't object. (laughs)

- Oh.

- You gonna let us in, Captain Dave?

- Actually, no.

I'm really not feeling well.

The reunion's been canceled.

- I see your position.

However, I would like to direct your attention

to the banner on your far wall.

- Point. - Point to Skip.

- I'm not debating you, it's just,

you guys really can't come in.

- Oh.

- I just forgot to take the banner down.

- Point for rebuttal. - Go, Captain Dave.

- Well, if there's no reunion then

what's with all the cars in the driveway?

(girls gasping) - Yeah, yeah.

- Match. - Match to skip.

- Thank you. (laughs)

Come on, captain, get out of the way.

(guests laughing)

That's why they say debaters do it better, baby.

Captain of the debate team, you suck!

- I won't stand to be patronized.

- They have superior force. - I concur.

- Is there still food?

- Cell phones, please.

- Oh, no, no, cell, I'd like to debate that point on the-

Uh, good point, it has internet access.

Come on, hey, cell phones, quick, please.

- Calm down, just take a seat.

They're not gonna hurt us.

They're drug dealers.

- Medical marijuana activists.

- Medical marijuana activists,

who just need a place to lay low for a few hours,

and then they'll leave.

- This is gonna cost you extra.

- Is anybody else coming?

- That's the whole team, I swear.

(doorbell rings)

- Ah!

You, tweedledee. - Ah, hey.

- You, get the door!

Come on! Come on!

Convince whoever it is to go away!

- Mom, it's so humiliating!

- You get back here, young lady,

you get right back here right now, young lady!

- Daddy! (sobs)

- Jessica, what are you doing here?

- I'm giving you your daughter back.

- But it's not my weekend.

- It is now!

I have plans tonight.

- Yeah, with Robbie Rock Cock.

- Gina Marie!

- I can't trust your daughter to stay grounded

when I'm going out.

- Grounded, for what?

- For what?

I found this

(funk music)

in her birth control pill case.

- Birth control?

- I'm so not having this conversation with you, dad.

- And who is this Robbie Rock-

(whimsical music)

(Jessica wheezes)

(electric guitar riff)

- Dear lord.

- Would you stay focused?

Our daughter, our daughter is using

mind-altering substances!

God, I need a drink!

(whimsical music)

Ahh.

- Can you explain this?

- It's not mine, daddy!

I told mom that!

- I'm a trained psychotherapist,

and I can tell you that denial of one's problems,

very common.

(whimsical music)

- I'm not in denial!

It's not mine!

Ugh!

- Well, you're the master debater.

You talk some sense into her.

I, ahh, am going to enjoy my weekend.

(rock music)

- Anybody gonna miss the tart?

(reggae music)

♪ Mary Jane ♪

- Wow!

(Doug sniffs)

Oh, yes, Bubbleberry.

It's the perfect hybrid of the award-winning parents,

Bubble Gum and Blueberry.

(Doug sniffs)

Oh, semifinalist 2004, Cannabis Cup, very impressive.

Perhaps I should hold on to this for further analysis.

(Doug sniffs)

(whimsical music)

(Doug laughs)

- Sometimes I smoke pot, and I'll go to, like a,

I went to a Burger King, I go to Burger King sometimes

to eat there because I don't care about my body.

And I'll go to a Burger King, and I go to Burger King,

when I go to Burger King I enjoy their chicken club sandwich

which was available for a limited amount of time,

but now it's made the jump to the permanent menu.

And I think if we all work hard enough,

we can keep it that way, so go out and do your part.

Anyway, I go to Burger King this one time,

and I can immediately tell

I'm not dealing with Burger King's best and brightest.

This is definitely not the Indiana crew

with the AA degrees that they send off to the conventions.

No, this is any big, inner-city,

bottom-of-the-barrel shit staff, and I can tell right away

'cause they had along line of frustrated customers

at the lunch hour,

and then they have this short, chubby, bearded lady

working the counter, you know,

with the unintentional peach fuzz beard

built over a long period of time,

and you're like, "Fucking shave it, do something.

Shouldn't a guardian step in with a Bic at some point

and shave your monkey ass down?"

But no, she's staring at me uncontrollably, you know,

giving me the creeps, making me lose my appetite

as I gradually pass through the line.

I just want to get up to the front and say,

"Nothing for me, please, I'm gonna take a pass on this one.

I had an opportunity to look around your long-ass line,

and I realized this place is a shithole."

But I didn't do that, I didn't.

There was other signs too.

I peeped back into the microwave, knifeless kitchen,

and I see that there's all Hispanics back there

with English difficulties and attitude problems and,

nobody tense up because I'm Mexican

so it's okay for me to notice and mention that.

And then, I see that there's a,

(audience laughs)

this bloodshot semi-retired drunk with a headset

trying to hold the whole fucking thing together,

so there's bound to be problems.

Now, I get my chicken club sandwich,

and everything seems cool, but the guy behind me,

who uses no plurals whatsoever, this crazy Filipino guy

just starts going nuts.

He's like, "I ordered chicken tender, 99¢ tender,

should be five fucking tender,

but I just got these two huge tender stuck together.

Like, two tender humping or some shit like that,

and this is not my way, this is not my way.

My way is five separate, delicious tender,

not this teenage mutant three tender faggot bullshit."

I was like, "fucking take it easy, yeah?

It's just a fucking tender."

(audience laughs)

- When my grandfather, Harlan Funonion,

set out to create the tasty snack food

that illustrates his name,

he could have selected a flavor that was more inviting.

Cheese, chocolate, barbecue.

But no.

He went with onions.

People said he was crazy.

They said he was retarded.

They said he was a douche bag,

but was he a crazy, retarded douche bag, or was he a genius?

That was a rhetorical question, you fucking gonad.

My point is, he was thinking outside the box.

My grandfather did not build fun-onions

into a snack food empire by doing things conventionally.

Now, we are in a real pickle here, people.

With all this health-conscious craziness,

it's turning into a real Snackwells motherfucker of a world.

And we have learned the hard way

that nobody wants a low-fat fun-onion.

Now, this is Dr. Willa Peterson from Harvard.

She is here to share with us

a radical new approach to fun-onions.

Ms. Peterson.

- Thank you, Mr. Funonion. - You're welcome.

- Folks, as your chairman has indicated,

fun-onion sales aren't what they used to be.

as you can see, over the last 10 years,

pot and fun-onion sales are reciprocal.

I believe that if fun-onion used its corporate might

to legalize marijuana, your sales would skyrocket.

- Sir, this is preposterous!

The connection between marijuana and fun-onions

is purely coincidental.

- Well, I disagree with that, Sanderson.

When I'm blazed off my ass

I can go through three, four bags, easy.

Sharana, honey. - Yes, Mr. Funonion?

- Could you send in Mr. Goldman, please?

- [Sharana] Yes, Mr. Funonion.

- Ah, now this is Mr. Arturo Goldman of the famous PR firm

of Goldman, Goldberg, Goldstein, and Goldman,

and I'm told he could sell a rusty cock ring to a bull dike.

- Oh, too kind, sir.

Gentlemen, Mr. Funonion tells me that

we need to change the way America thinks about marijuana.

Well, when it comes to changing minds,

my company is the best there is.

I have personally overseen the PR campaigns

for General Motors, ABC, McDonald's, and Asians.

- Which Asians?

- All of them.

About 10 years ago, when you thought of Asians,

what did you think?

- Camera equipment. - Mm, pocket protectors.

- Mustaches. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, no, no, I get it.

I get it, computers, bowl cuts, small dicks.

But what does this have to do with you?

- Well, the Asians came to us in '96.

They wanted a new image.

We gave it to them.

Now, when you think of Asians, you think of,

(techno music)

techno,

hip-hop,

big bucks,

and plenty of hot backdoor action.

- That was you?

Oh, thank you!

- Well, this is impressive.

So you think that you can help us here

with this marijuana business?

- Oh, I believe I can.

You see, gents, our voters want to keep pot illegal.

Well, today, the religious right is running the show.

So if you want to make a change,

you first have to appeal to them.

- How do we do that?

- You have to start by asking yourself,

"what does the religious right fear even more than drugs?"

- Dancing? - Foul language?

- The morning-after pill.

- Hell, the IRS.

- Oh, Jews.

- Queers.

- Ah.

- My job is to convince the parents of the Bible Belt

that marijuana use will curb homosexual impulses.

You can sell them that.

They will be scoring weed for their own kids just in case.

It will be legal within a year, and then, my friends,

fun-onion will regain its rightful place

at the top of the snack charts.

- Is it true?

- Since when has truth had anything to do

with marijuana propaganda?

If they can use terrorists

to scare people out of smoking pot,

then we can use homos to scare them back into it.

- Jesus Christ, this is.

(staff applauding)

Thank you, thank you!

God damn it, it's about time

I had something fucking happening.

- Me, smoke pot, no.

Well, I mean, I smoked it a few times,

I'm not, like, against it or anything,

but it just doesn't work for me.

The times that I have, you know, it was paranoia, no effect,

paranoia, ill, and then the last time,

okay, well, I smoked a little bit of it,

and my heart started pounding, my, like, limbs went numb.

My tongue, like, felt like it was swelling

up like when you go to the dentist

and get that Novocain shot, thinking, like,

"oh, god, I got to keep moving,

I got to keep talking, or I'm gonna die," right?

But the worst part was, it was a, it was a first date.

"Will you come back to my place?

because I just don't want to be alone right now."

And I never smoked again.

- Honey, can I come in?

- Just leave her be, mate.

- Excuse me if I don't take parental advice

from a drug dealer!

- Medical marijuana activist!

(muffled rock music)

(Dave sighs)

- My daughter's a drug addict.

- Kinda funny you're more concerned about a little grass

than me having a gun.

- Yeah, do you know how many people are killed each year

by the accidental discharge of a firearm?

(whimsical music)

- Trust me, I'm bothered by the gun too.

Okay, but if you're so concerned about my daughter,

why don't you let her go?

(hostages gasping and murmuring)

- Look!

We're not letting anybody go!

But we don't want to scare your kid.

- So you guys just pretend to have your little barbecue.

Steph and I will keep the guns out of sight.

As long as nobody does anything stupid

we're not gonna have a problem!

- We'd like to pass on a rebuttal.

- I concur. - All right.

- There's ads in the back of High Times Magazines

for marijuana being sold without THC.

Hey, people drink decaf.

People drink de-alcoholized beer.

All the bloating.

No buzz.

(majestic music)

- My name is Jesco Rollins,

and my family has owned and operated this farm

for, the last 80 years.

Now, there's been a lot of talk in this community

about the legalization of marijuana.

Now, some folks say it's got thousands of uses:

makes sick people feel better,

makes stronger fibers for rope, cloth, and paper.

Now, marijuana's a profitable crop,

even if no part of the plant is used,

'cause it fertilizes the soil,

keeps other weeds from growing.

And some folks say

that if marijuana was legalized and taxed,

it'd be a whole lot more money

to build better schools and roads

that folks around here and others sure could use.

Yeah.

Legalization of marijuana

would be a $24-billion industry

right here in the United States alone.

It'd save a lot of farms, make a lot of people rich.

But not me.

Because this is not that kind of farm,

and I'm not that kind of farmer.

I grow fake pot, just like my daddy and my granddaddy did.

For the last 80 years, here on the Rollins farm,

we grow Tootie Puff, Warlock Smoke,

and some of the finest strains of marijuana substitutes,

guaranteed to be 100% legal and not to get you high.

It's the life me and my kids were born into.

But if real marijuana is legalized,

it's gonna be the end of this farm

and a lot of other farms like it.

It's gonna be the end of an American way of life.

Across this country, I know

35 other farmers just like me,

and with no means to provide,

I would have no other choice but

to shoot my family!

When people look at me, they say,

"Hey, it's common sense to grow marijuana."

Well, I look them right in the eye, and I say,

"Common sense ain't American to me."

- [Announcer] Paid for by,

the synthetic fiber industry, national alcohol lobby,

the American pharmaceutical political fund,

and the Association to Keep

Nonviolent Marijuana Offenders in Jail.

♪ I'm smoking pot ♪

♪ I got my dick out ♪

♪ And I'm thinking 'bout you ♪

♪ And I'm thinking 'bout you ♪

♪ I'm smoking pot ♪

♪ I got my dick out ♪

♪ And I'm thinking 'bout you ♪

♪ Just you ♪

- Deviants.

(rock music)

- You guys up for a game of ring toss?

- It is getting a bit nippy out here.

- How, it's blazing hot.

- (laughing) it's all over your face.

- Where?

- And so the reunion went on as planned.

On the surface, a simple barbecue,

but underneath, a danger lurked,

which threatened the very fabric

of the space-time continuum!

Which is what I would say if I

were still exaggerating, which I am no longer doing,

so let's just say all is not well under the surface

and call it a day.

(rock music)

(Skip clears throat)

- Now, I know we agreed not to try anything,

but a few of the guys and I, we want to go for it.

- Forget it, Skip, it's too risky.

- There's only two of them.

- I'm captain of the debate team, Skip,

not the wrestling team.

I didn't bring home the state championship trophy

just so I could bonk someone over the head with it

when they didn't agree with me.

- Agreed.

We must do something, and we must concede

that our weapons are our brains, not our fists.

- Well, what do you suggest, captain?

- Get them to see the error of their ways

and turn themselves in.

- I concur.

(rock music)

♪ Hey, hey, who found the law ♪

- So how long have you two been drug dealers?

Oh, I mean medical marijuana activists? (laughs)

- How long have you been a total dickweed, Skippy?

- I'm sorry, but you must admit

that legalizing medical marijuana

is just an excuse to make it easier

for you potheads to get high.

- Beer? - Yeah, sure.

- We believe that withholding medical treatment

from the terminally ill

simply to stem recreational pot smoking is unethical,

and guess what, Skippy?

So do you.

- Oh, so do I? (laughs)

I think you two are about to get a little lesson in debate.

You don't get to tell me what I believe,

you have to convince me.

And so, ugh.

- Something wrong?

- Uh, no, no. (coughs)

Suddenly, I just feel a little...

- Nauseous?

- It's probably because of this,

I slipped it into your beer.

(Skip gags)

You poisoned me?

- Relax, it's just a little ipecac,

used to induce vomiting in the event of poisoning.

We find it nicely simulates

the nauseousness of chemotherapy.

(Skip vomiting)

- Oh!

Oh, at this point, your legal options for your nausea

are pretty much your Compazine, your Ativan,

and your Decadron!

- Which can also cause acne, headaches, sore throats,

unusual hair growth, and funnily enough, nausea again.

(Skip retching)

- Yeah!

Let it go, baby!

(Skip retching)

But if you're willing to pay 40 bucks per pill

and are okay with just constipation and headaches,

then you got to go for your Zofran or your Kytril.

- Unless you're one of those hypersensitive types,

of which these pills could send

into a potentially fatal anaphylactic shock.

(Skip retching)

- And that's assuming that any of these dangerous drugs

work at all, which they don't for everyone.

- Much less the 50 million Americans without insurance

who can't even afford them.

- Isn't it a shame that there isn't a cheap,

essentially harmless alternative available?

- Wouldn't that be nice?

- Oh, my god!

I feel horrible!

There must be something I can take!

- Sorry!

(imitates buzzer) You're all out of options,

the legal ones, at least.

- I don't care!

I'll try anything.

(Skip retches)

Oh, I feel like shit!

(Doug humming)

(majestic music)

- Feeling better?

(Skip coughs)

- [Interviewer] So to begin with,

have you ever smoked marijuana?

- (scoffs) Yeah, I smoked pot, uh,

every day, all day for about 22 years.

There's three phases that I certainly went through.

First, it was fun, then it was fun with problems,

and then it was just problems.

I went into rehab in 1990, okay, a 28-day program,

but prior to that, about two years before that,

I went to a marijuana anonymous meeting.

That was my first introduction to a 12-step meeting.

And I'm sitting in this big circle with about 40 people,

and this guy's talking.

I'm, like, two people away from him, right,

and I remember it was, you know,

he had this phrase that he said, he said,

"I knew I hit bottom when I drank my bong juice."

And I'm looking around.

There's eight people shaking their fucking heads like,

"Oh, yeah, I remember when I did that," you know?

And I remember looking over at him, and I just said to him,

"You drank your fucking bong juice?"

And, you know, 42 people went, "shh!"

You know, I didn't know the rules, you know.

And there was, there was, like, eight or 10 people

that had did, and I had made tea with mine, you know,

'cause I was classy.

- Back in the day, we used to smoke a lot of weed all day.

All day.

Wake and bake, as they say.

Put the bong in the freezer, get it cool, and get it going.

Get it going early.

I love to get high and watch "Wheel of Fortune."

Really high.

Right before a big puzzle.

And then sometimes, it's down to one letter

and I still can't get it.

I'm just staring.

"Bone with the Wind."

"Bone with the Wind."

"Bone with the Wind."

Uh, I don't know, uh, "Bone with the Wind."

I've done that, I've been there.

Another friend of mine,

he likes to watch the Weather Channel.

And then he'll wait till I'm out of town and call me.

"Dude, where are you?"

(chuckles) "Cincinnati."

"Is it partly cloudy?"

"Fucking A, I knew it, man!"

Gets all jacked up about it.

Weed, makes the boring not so boring.

This is really good.

I'm not even that high.

- And if you're some kind of religious freak

and you think marijuana's wrong,

may I please quote from Genesis 1 and 9,

"all seed-bearing plants I give to you."

(audience cheers and applauds)

Namaste.

(rock music)

- Feeling better?

- Yes, I am, Doug.

But I still think marijuana should be illegal.

- You do?

- I mean, it should be illegal

for pot to be illegal. (laughs)

- I'll smoke to that.

- Okay, it appears we lost Skip.

- Obviously, we can't hit him on the medical front.

What's left, Gouda?

- Uh, lost productivity.

- Loosening of sexual inhibitions.

Oh, god, it's already started.

- You guys figure it out.

I'll be back.

Can we talk now?

- I can't believe it.

Mom grounds me 'cause she finds some pot

that isn't even mine while your friends are getting

totally baked on the couch!

- (laughs) okay, first of all, Skip is an adult.

- Something for ya!

(Skip farts)

(Skip and Doug laughing)

- Oh, oh.

- Secondly.

- Aw, come on.

You never experimented as a kid?

- Would you please mind your own business?

- Well, did you?

- (scoffs)

(exotic music)

- Come on.

Try it.

- Well, my daddy said he tried it once,

so I guess it'll be okay.

Oh, boys!

whoo-hoo!

Yeah boy!

Hey you!

I'll suck your dick for some weed! (chuckles)

You, I'll let you ass-fuck me for a dime bag!

I'm HIV negative!

I swear!

- No, I have never, ever tried marijuana, ever.

It's a deadly drug that will ruin your life.

- Oh, wow!

I am fucked up.

- See?

(Gina scoffs)

- Nice work, Skip.

- No, man.

I mean, I am really, really fucked up.

- I can see that!

(Skip laughs)

- Won't stop me.

(smooth rock music)

In fact, I've never been this fucked up in my life.

(Skip laughs)

Hello.

- Hello.

- Who are you?

- I'm your narrator.

- My narrator?

- Who the hell are you talking to?

- Apparently, we have a narrator. (laughs)

Television?

- Good plan.

- Indubit-bitably.

(Skip laughs)

- Hello, American men.

Each day up on your 24-hour news channel

you see hundreds of fundamentalist women.

But oh, no, you don't see them at all.

No worries.

Ajmal is here, and Ajmal know what men want to see.

Ajmal Kadivay present "Fundamentalist Girls Gone Wild!"

These hot fundamentalist ladies

are showing it all for the pleasure of men who buy videotape

because these bitches be high on the hookah.

- Hookah hookah hoookah pipe!

- Yes, you get cheek, you get forehead, you get chin,

You get nose, and you get plenty of sexy, happy, mouth.

(woman ululates)

For to see the eyes of such lovely women is too hot for TV.

You got to order tape from Ajmal.

And if you call right now, you're also going to get

"Fundamentalist Voyeur Fantasy."

Remember, fellas, these hot broads are the property of

other men, but you can sneak a peek

at sexy, sultry wrists and ankles, and nobody gonna know.

So that means two hot and happy videotapes for price of one.

- Hot and happy.

- Ajmal been to America, and Ajmal understand,

American sluts show filthy tit and butts all day long,

so it's no big deal to see anymore.

But fundamentalist ladies, you know this very, very special

for you to see.

This tape hot as camel's balls.

- Camel's balls.

- [Women] Camel's balls!

- Ajmal just dub a new batch

of top-quality tape from Talmart!

I wait for your order now!

(women screaming)

- It's sort of an upside-down Q, some squiggly lines,

something that looks like a IUD.

- A four?

- Oh, hell.

(narrator snaps fingers)

- Wow, that is so cool!

- I'm good.

- We got to get these guys out of here.

Tell me you got something, Gouda.

- Okay, we open with highway fatalities.

Segue into public health costs.

- Do a section on pot as a gateway drug.

- Gateway drug, I like it.

- Mm-hmm, then we end with the loss of productivity

and the demise of civilization.

- Perfect, brilliant!

- I concur.

- Hey, these brownies are really good.

- [Debaters] Mm-hmm.

- Who brought them? - I don't know.

(gong rings)

- Thought we'd contribute a little something

to the barbecue.

- You didn't.

- You guys have such nice opinions

about something you don't do.

Thought a little personal experience

might help you redefine your strategy.

(spooky music)

Boo!

(debaters screaming)

(rock music) (debaters panicking)

- No! no!

Bad brownie!

- Why? - Ah!

♪ The shape was gone ♪

♪ There were lazy people hanging all over the place ♪

- So Johnny Buskett's gonna sit there and tell me,

Thomas, that he's never used performance-enhancing drugs?

- Never, Tommy.

- Thomas, ever?

- T, what'd I say?

- What'd I say, Thomas, Buskett, okay?

- Let me tell you something, T.

Weed is not a performance-enhancing drug, all right.

The only way weed is gonna enhance

Johnny Buskett's performance is if they start

sprinkling chocolate chip cookies in the end zone.

- Aha, so you admit to some form of drug abuse,

don't you, Buskett?

- Listen, T, you ever hear of Vicodin?

You ever hear of Codeine?

Man, those are gateway drugs, come on.

- I got five words for you, JB, all right, five words,

one for every suspension.

Marijuana, class one illegal drug.

- Oh, don't sing illegal to me.

Isn't teenage drinking illegal?

'Cause that's how I remember

when the Bush twins were doing it,

they ain't go to jail, they got a Girls Gone Wild video.

- This is not about the Bush twins,

this is about Johnny Buskett.

- That's right, and Johnny Buskett

ain't doing cocaine, all right?

I am Johnny Buskett, not Darryl Strawberry.

After getting abused all Sunday afternoon,

there ain't nothing wrong with going home,

firing up a blunt, breaking out the Cristal.

Gets me in the mood for my life and my wife.

- Oh, I guess your wife, huh?

You haven't heard about marijuana maybe

being linked to impotence, have ya, JB, hmm?

- Man, I don't know what kind of weed you been smoking.

Maybe you need to check on some legally prescribed Viagra,

'cause Johnny ain't never had no problem with his Buskett.

Now, somebody get this boy laid.

(upbeat music)

- Thanks for joining us.

Today, I'll be addressing some of your letters

about the measurements we deal with on the show.

Now, if you're preparing an overdose

using schedule one drugs, it's not so much the ingredients,

but the amounts you want to be mindful of.

Feast your eyes on these delicious spices of life.

These are for my own personal canned preserves.

Now, if you want to create a memorable

barbecue overdose of cocaine, we always say,

"less than a pinch will do the trick."

An overdose can call for as little as 25 milligrams.

Toot.

A good way to remember is to think of a cornflake.

Mmm.

Now, I know some of you have tried overdose recipes

using brown sugar, not that kind of brown sugar.

This kind of brown sugar.

Now, this is my own homegrown afghani heroin,

but you can use black tar, china white,

or some brown sugar from your local skag dealer.

Now, that's a good thing.

Remember, a little goes a long way

when you're chasing the dragon.

An overdose can come as cheaply as 80 milligraMs.

Now, remember, a good way to eyeball this

is to look at the markings on a syringe.

It's equal to about the weight of half a peanut.

I like to put a little H in anything.

I could have it by itself,

or with a little melted butter on movie night.

Oh, I'm a heroin junkie.

Remember, our federal government reserves schedule one

for the most toxic illegal drugs.

One would think with these substances

that an overdose was easy to prepare.

That's why I think this last ingredient

shouldn't be in here at all.

For a marijuana overdose, we'd need to prepare over

1,500 pounds of marijuana serve it smoked

in under 15 minutes. (chuckles)

Now, that would be a fatty.

In fact, that's enough marijuana to equal the weight

of these seven gorgeous hunks of man meat from the DEA.

Or about a quarter million pot brownies.

Oh, never mind the overdose.

That would be murder on the thighs.

No es bueno. (laughs)

Now, with portions that size,

marijuana just doesn't seem as dangerous

as these other schedule one drugs.

But I'm sure they have a reason.

I'm not one to question things,

especially not our government.

That would make me a traitor.

Thanks for joining us, we'll see you next week.

- Come on, man.

Do it again, do it again.

- [Narrator] "There is no evidence

that marijuana serves as a stepping-stone to other drug use.

In fact, most drug users

do not begin their drug use with marijuana.

They begin with alcohol and nicotine."

National Academy of Sciences.

- Wow, that is so cool.

- Went to Amsterdam.

You might not know that they have stuff in Amsterdam

that's legal that's not legal here.

Little things like weed and prostitutes.

I don't know how you feel about those things,

but you know what they say.

"When in Rome

go to Amsterdam."

(audience laughs)

(acoustic guitar music)

- What's wrong, man?

- Dude, I think I see Hall & Oates.

♪ Oh, here she comes ♪

♪ Watch out boy, she'll chew you up ♪

- I do, I see Hall & Oates.

♪ Oh, oh, here she comes, she's a man eater ♪

- It's Hall & Oates.

- Man, you ever break your weed scale?

(audience laughs)

And have to go to the store and weigh your shit?

All up in Safeway trying to act natural.

(audience laughs)

Sometimes, I wish I sold weed, you know,

'cause I would revolutionize the industry.

Seriously, man, 'cause I would combine weed with snacks.

(audience laughs)

This is how it would go,

some guy, you know, he buys an eighth.

And all of a sudden, he's looking, and he's like,

"hold on, Red.

Now, what's this stuff mixed in with the weed?"

"Those are pretzels, man."

(audience laughs)

I have a little bible in my back pocket,

and it's not because I'm religious.

Man, fuck that.

If they didn't want you to roll joints with the bible,

they wouldn't have left those last pages blank.

(audience laughs)

- Said it's like a burrito kinda. (laughs)

- What?

(Doug laughs)

- How would you like a toke of my Big Bambu?

- Ooh!

Bambu rolling papers, that's how I roll.

- (sniffs) Oh, yeah!

That's some good shit rolled up in that herb.

Double wide!

- I have to reconcile smoking pot

now that I have fucking kids

and I'm trying to learn from that.

I watched that commercial,

you seen that fucking commercial

where the dad goes in his teenage son's room.

Brings a joint in, he's like, "where'd you get this?

Where'd you get this?"

Remember what the kid says?

"It's yours, dad.

I got it from you!"

(audience laughs)

If I was the dad, I'd be like,

"well, give it back, you fucking thief.

(audience laughs)

I'll take my needles too."

(audience laughs)

(folk music)

(guests cheering and laughing)

(water splashing)

♪ All my friends are stoners ♪

♪ Lighting up all of the time ♪

♪ Everybody has a mason jar ♪

♪ Can you guess what I put in mine? ♪

♪ We all go to Jamaica ♪

♪ Once or twice a year ♪

♪ To smoke big blunts with a Rasta man ♪

♪ And drink ice-cold Red Stripe beers ♪

♪ All my friends are stoners ♪

♪ We sit around and get fried ♪

♪ We're asking the president to legalize it ♪

♪ So the whole wide world can get high ♪

- Hi, boy, I would like to get up in the both of them, huh?

I would tear that putty up.

- Oh, the things I could do to those girls.

- You wouldn't know what to do.

- Hey, I know how to eat.

And I got the munchies.

- That's a good point, I have no counter.

Look, look, look, look, they're debating.

- No way, you are, like, so high!

- Please, you do not have a clue.

- About what?

- The difference between a Brazilian wax over a Hitler?

(Gouda laughs)

- Hitler? huh?

- The little mustache, they trim it, it's--

- The mustache, the little, the little!

- Look, Heisenberg's uncertainty principle

clearly illustrates that one singular electron

can, indeed, be tracked to two distinct locations

at the exact same instant.

Thus, laid the foundation for quantum physics.

- Please, we're not talking a singular subatomic particle.

We're talking about multicellular organisms

of mass and density, and therefore,

your theory on quantum physics

is about as limp as the pre-Viagra landscape.

- Nuh-uh! (laughs)

- Hold still. ♪ We put it in our tea ♪

♪ We put it in our cake ♪

♪ We roll it up nice so we can get baked ♪

♪ We just can't seem to get our fill ♪

♪ We're wasting away in Marijuanaville ♪

♪ All of my friends are stoners ♪

♪ We sit around and get fried ♪

♪ We're asking the president to legalize it ♪

♪ So the whole wide world can get high ♪

- So Jesus says to god,

"man, I'm fried, I'm beat, I am whooped!"

God says, "well, take a vacation,

go down to Earth for a while."

"All right."

Jesus goes down to Earth, he's hitchhiking.

Gets a ride with a trucker, gets in the cab.

They're going down the road.

Trucker says, "man, it's a little warm in here.

I got some Poland spring on ice, cold bottle of water?"

"Yeah, that sounds good, sure."

Down the road.

A few miles down the road, the trucker says, "you hungry?"

Jesus says, "I could eat."

"My wife makes fantastic tuna fish, tuna on rye,

lettuce, tomato, a little salt, pepper, you in?"

"Sounds good, sure."

"I'll give you half."

"Your wife makes excellent tuna fish."

"(scoffs) what'd I tell ya?"

Going down the road.

Few miles down the road, the trucker says,

"You want to smoke a joint?"

And Jesus is like, "I'm on vacation." (chuckles)

(audience laughs)

Trucker takes out a joint, sparks it up.

(audience laughs)

"You don't know who I am, do ya?"

Trucker says, "No."

He says, "I'm Jesus Christ.

I'm the Lord, the son of God, Jesus Christ."

The trucker says, "that's some good shit, ain't it?"

(audience laughs)

- They call me Count Smokula

because I'm the smokingest dude on the planet Earth,

and also because I'm from Smokesylvania.

- Marilize legaljuana.

- I'm doing my best to keep getting stoned

- 4:20, 4:20, it's a theme in the pot community.

♪ Everybody wants me to leave it alone ♪

- It's the pass code.

♪ See, I'm smart in my noodle ♪

♪ Especially when I get behoodled ♪

- Here it is again.

Did you get it?

- Rock and roll.

- So my roommate is also a stoner.

He likes to go to places where weed is a-plentiful

and then mail it to himself where it's less a-plentiful.

I'm not saying you should do that, but if you do,

don't put your own name on the package.

And don't put your roommate's name either, that's bullshit.

(audience laughs)

And if you're gonna make up a name,

be careful of the name that you make up, all right?

Smuggly McWeed. (audience laughs)

The most annoying part about my stoner roommate

is that he's always got to tell me

his stupid-ass stoner fun facts.

He finds out a fact

and thinks that he's the first person to ever know it,

and he's gotta run around telling everybody.

He's like, "hey, Dan, did you know that your head

is 20% of your body weight?"

And I wanted to check to see if he was right,

so I tried to weigh my head.

I don't know if you've tried that,

but you can't see how much it weighs.

(audience laughs)

Doesn't work, I just kept going.

(audience laughs)

Damn it!

(rock music)

- I'll be the Macho Enforcer!

- And I'll be Rock Hard Willie Johnson!

Gonna pound your ass, Macho!

- Oh, yeah, Rock Hard?

Let's get it on!

(intense music music)

- Boys! Boys!

Oh, no, you don't, not on my watch.

- Dad!

Uh, we were just messing around.

- I can see that.

Johnny, go home this instant.

As for you, mister, you're getting the bong.

- Okay.

- Honey, bring me my 5-foot matrix, pronto!

- By now you've heard the exciting news

that smoking pot cures most forms of homosexuality.

And I'm living proof.

I'm Reginald Stevens, and I used to be a flaming queen.

But after smoking ganja daily,

I'm as straight as Cher's pubes.

So think about it, moms and dads.

Do you want your boy smoking pot or smoking cock?

- I know where we stand.

- It's time to talk to your kids about marijuana

and vote yes on Prop. 420.

So light up, America, and put out the flame.

- And cut!

(bell ringing)

- Ugh!

- Is that true?

Pot really made you straight?

- Yeah.

- For how long?

- Since lunch, girl.

- Oh, you're terrible. - A girl's got to eat, Dwayne.

- Then there was that commercial, they're like,

"If you smoke pot,

you've helped murder families in Columbia."

And I'm just sitting at home going, "what?

I've never even been to Ohio, dude."

(audience laughs)

♪ Different tokes ♪ (audience cheers and applauds)

- Mark, Brian, would you dispose of this?

- Affirmative, ma'am.

- Exiting with the ganja.

(audience cheers and applauds)

- Are we in trouble?

- No, Mikey.

But if you keep messing with that stuff...

You sure will be.

- I didn't want to try it, Mrs. President.

I knew it was a bad idea.

- But did you know why, Mikey?

- No, not really.

- Marijuana is a drug, Mikey, and drugs are bad for people.

Smoking marijuana will get you put in jail,

give you brain damage,

and if you take one puff, you'll never be happy again.

- Like my real mama, the crack ho?

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Even worse than the crack ho.

Just say "not" to pot!

(audience applauds)

(audience cheers)

- Hey, Mikey.

- Hey, Todd.

The president's wife here was just telling me

all about marijuana.

- Well, it's not for kids.

Well, your age I mean.

But you know what?

If you want to try it when you're older,

think about it like it's ice cream.

It's a great treat. - We've got a code red!

- But too much of anything can make you feel icky.

- Actually, Todd, we were just discussing

how you should never use marijuana because it will kill you.

Therefore potheads are suicidal morons!

(audience laughs)

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- 'Cause that's not what my pro-pot

republican friend, Craig X says.

- Just to introduce myself, this is Reverend Craig X

from Temple 420, the General Farmer,

out here fighting the good fight

in this civil war we call the drug war.

And whether it's, like, a Jewish wedding

or a Christian wedding, we turn it around.

Here's the christian side, it could be a podium,

There's the Jewish side.

And what's so great about temple 420

is you don't have to lie.

You don't have to go, "Oh, dude, I'm sick, I need weed."

Now you can say, "hey, I love the Lord,

and I think cannabis is a sacrament."

This is a spiritual inhalation device.

We pack our bowl with the sacramental herb,

the burning bush, and then we burn it,

filtering it through a water filtration system,

and this is a pull stem.

"And that every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air

and everything that creepeth upon the earth

wherein there is life.

I have given you every green herb from me."

God bless, amen, I'm outta here.

- Craig. (audience cheers)

- Actually, Mrs. President, even the long-term smoking,

the daily long-term smoking of marijuana

doesn't lead to long-term damage to the brain.

The studies that show it leads

to short-term loss of memory are false.

What the study actually was,

was they were giving a rhesus monkey

with a tiny, little head a quarter pound of marijuana

to smoke in an hour.

Even I'd pass out.

The fact is, a lot of intellectuals,

including astronomer Carl Sagan

and conservative pundit William F. Buckley

are both pro pot.

(audience applauds)

- well, Mikey, it just goes to show you,

you can always find a whack job

to back up any kind of hooey. (chuckles)

But facts are facts, and smoking marijuana

leads to harder, more dangerous drugs.

- Your harder drugs theory doesn't really apply.

- Well, it kills your immune system,

and the way you hippie communists smoke it

makes it 400 times more likely

to lead to cancer than tobacco!

- Well, anytime you consume

a non-completely-combusted hydrocarbonate it's carcinogenic.

But marijuana is medicine,

or why else would doctors be prescribing it

to people with cancer and AIDS?

- Well, Mr. Smartass, why don't you just take all

your fucking facts and figures to Amsterdam, hmm?

- Okay, the first lady just said, "fuck."

- Those godless faggots legalized pot.

You know what happened to them?

- Yeah, better call GLAAD

and tell 'em she said "maggot," not "faggot."

- Nothing but dope fiends and taxes through the roof!

- Are you drunk?

(audience cheers)

- Listen, you little punk!

I'm the goddamn leader of the free world,

and when I drink, it's to relax and have fun!

Not like you reefer addicts

that are out smoking and getting high!

I am the president's wife, and I am in charge here,

and it's my way or the highway!

You know, this is funny shit.

Where are my laughs?

- The first lady's been mixing Vicodin and scotch again.

Ma'am!

Give me all the goddamn tape!

- Mrs. President! - Code bitch, code bitch!

I want all the tape!

I want all those tapes!

- I know how to make people disappear!

(secret service shouting)

It's too early for bed!

(audience cheers and applauds)

I don't want to go to bed!

- Ma'am, ma'am, put your legs together.

- Just say "not" to pot!

- They can see your panties, ma'am.

(Mrs. President shouting)

- "My, (laughs) god damn, buddy.

That is some good weed you got there."

He said, "yeah, Doug and Sue gave me an ounce of this.

It's for my wedding gift, it's from Nepal, N-E-P-A-L."

Nepal's a little country between India and China.

It's where the Himalayan Mountains are,

and in Nepal, marijuana's been legal

for a little over 5,000 years of recorded history,

and they're out there

talking to god with this shit, all right,

and my best friend's got an ounce of it.

So we roll one skinny, little, toothpick-size number

of that Nepalese weed.

The first hit on the number,

my wife hits the ground in her formal dress.

(audience laughs)

Here, here, give me that.

(audience laughs)

Give me that.

I tell you, that's some good shit, isn't it?

- [Interviewer] You have a cat?

- Yeah, I have a cat.

This is his litter box.

Reefer!

I'll inhale and shit, and he just stands there, and, like,

it's obvious that he likes reefer.

Where's, come here, I'll show Reefer.

Come on, Reefer, meow meow, Reefer!

You see Reefer?

You know what, he probably smoked

not that long ago, actually, you can tell by his eyes.

Oh, that's my weed tits.

- [Interviewer] Your weed tits?

- Yeah, it's my weed tits.

I keep my weed in here.

- [Interviewer] Oh, that's brilliant.

- It's a great stash place for my weed.

Weed tits.

The interesting thing, and what most people are unaware of,

is that in the early 20th century,

marijuana was fairly prevalent, much like alcohol.

You could go to your local jazz scene and score pot.

It was known as muggles back then.

Not until the 1920s when Mayor La Guardia

initiated the Marijuana Stamp Act did it become a problem.

And what it required the citizens to do

was to go into the government building with their marijuana,

thus, entrapping them, because they hadn't had a stamp

for the marijuana they brought in.

(smoker coughing)

Because after that, no one fucking could get a stamp.

(rock music)

♪ I was a problem, not the prolific type ♪

♪ No responsibility and laughing at life ♪

♪ The heat is coming and it's down on me ♪

♪ The stars and stripes and the cavalry ♪

♪ CIA, FBI ♪

(tires screeching)

♪ Take them down ♪

♪ Take me slow ♪

♪ Take me to the places that I never want to go ♪

♪ Ooh ah, ooh ah ♪

♪ Ooh ah, ooh ah ♪

♪ The heat is coming down on me ♪

♪ Stars and stripes and the cavalry ♪

♪ CIA, FBI ♪

♪ Chain gang on their way ♪

♪ Chain gang on the, chain gang on the ♪

♪ Chain gang on the, chain gang on the, ♪

- [Officer] freeze!

♪ Chain gang on their way ♪

- [Officer] Freeze, scumbag!

Weed! - Weed!

- I have a prescription for that!

I have a prescription!

I have cancer!

I have cancer!

(elderly woman screaming)

(officer growls)

- Who's your dealer, lady?

Who is Mr. Big?

- Uh, the clinic?

- Don't lie to us.

- Uh, uh, the cancer institute?

- She's not talking.

- I'll make her talk.

- It helps with my chemotherapy!

It helps my pain!

Morphine just makes me sick!

- Morphine? - Yeah!

- Don't make it worse, lady!

You have a right to remain silent, anything-

- Why is this shit illegal again?

- I told you already.

- Just tell me again.

- Because William Randolph Hearst and Pierre Du Pont

had a lot of money invested in paper and petrochemicals,

and they didn't like the competition

from safer and cheaper hemp products,

so Hearst spent the next 20 years

demonizing cannabis in his newspapers

in an effort to manipulate public policy against the plant,

ultimately tricking the United States Congress

into passing anti-marijuana legislation,

despite the staunch protest of every major,

major medical group in the country!

- But why is this shit illegal?

- I don't know if pot is a drug.

A drug is when you take a plant

and you ship it off to a pharmaceutical company in Germany

from the same people that made Zyklon B death gas,

and they bring you back a chalky, powdery, white pill

that needs another pill to undo the damage of

that your HMO can't afford.

Then it's a drug.

♪ I'm so stoned ♪

♪ I'm afraid to answer the phone ♪

(smokers coughing)

♪ I'm so baked ♪

♪ Totally baked ♪

- Grandma needs chemo!

Why'd they take her primo?

♪ I'm so baked, totally baked ♪

- So how long have you been a narrator?

- I freelanced for over 4,000 years.

until Morgan fucking Freeman came along.

- "The Shawshank Redemption."

- "In 1966, Andy Dufresne left Shawshank Prison

with nothing but a set of muddy prison clothes, a lead pipe,

and a rock hammer nearly worn down to the nub."

- Wow, you sound just like him!

- I did the fucking table read.

- Jeez.

- Because William Randolph Hearst.

- Then I went corporate.

Kids, I needed the stability.

- Tell me about it.

I was a struggling magician before Gina was born.

- Oh, the sacrifices we make for our children.

Speaking of which, "your daughter, Lolita,

is about to climb out of her bedroom window."

- That's my girl.

(smooth rock music)

- Oh, interestingly, I wouldn't say

that it's lowered my sexual inhibitions

as much as made sex more enjoyable!

- I concur!

♪ I was born to be happy ♪

♪ What happened? ♪

- But your essential enjoyment is punctuated

by my increased ability to prolong ejaculation,

thereby providing you the opportunity for multiple-

- I concur! (moans)

- What are you doing?

- What does it look like I'm doing?

- You can't leave.

Is that a tattoo?

- The pot wasn't mine.

I was wrongly grounded, so I'm leaving.

I have a party to go to.

- Honey, I believe you about the pot.

Now, please come back inside.

- You believe me? - Yes.

The, narrator told me that some idiot

stuck it in your purse during a party.

- Oh.

Well, then why can't I leave?

- Sit down.

Now, before I tell you why you can't leave,

I think it's important that you know

that I am really, really high right now.

- You're high?

- Yes.

And that doesn't mean I'm proud of it,

any more than I'm proud of all the drinking I did

before the brownies kicked in.

- My dad ate pot brownies?

- Oh, four.

And when you're old enough,

you can decide to break the law

and eat four pot brownies too.

- I can?

- When you're old enough,

old enough to decide what's right for you.

- Well, how old is that?

- 57.

- (chuckles) Dad.

- But right now, you're still my little girl.

You're still growing. - I know.

- And you've got to take care of yourself.

So no drugs, alcohol or otherwise.

no unsafe sex, no sex at all.

Plenty of fruits and vegetables.

Try to floss regularly.

Deal? - Deal.

I love you, dad.

- I love you too.

- So now, why can't I leave?

The party's so lame.

- I kinda like it.

(guests laughing and cheering loudly)

(Skip and Narrator laughing)

- Okay, okay, I'll do one more if you do one more.

- Deal, deal. - Okay, okay, okay.

(snaps fingers)

- Tokin', 'cause I'm black. (laughs)

- I wrote that. (laughs)

- All right, here's one.

Ass-firmative action.

(Skip farts)

(Skip and Narrator laughing)

- This calls for a can of Cannabliss.

Cannabliss, an herbal aroma that creates an atmosphere,

which inspires conversation.

- Hey, how are you?

- And relaxation.

(Skip and Narrator sighing)

- It's Cannabliss.

- It's like bliss in a can.

(Skip and Narrator laughing)

(Skip farts and laughs)

- You can't leave because of them.

- Them?

(Skip laughing)

I can't leave because your friend is an idiot?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, not because of them.

Because of them.

You see those two at the bar?

- Yeah.

- They're medical marijuana activists

on the run from the police and they're holding us hostage

until they think it's safe to go.

- All right, it looks like it's safe for us to go!

- Aw! - No!

- Thank you, thank you!

But it's time for Doug and I to hit the road.

- [Guests] No!

- It's a party!

Come on!

- Because somewhere, someplace,

there is a terminally ill medical patient

in dire need of some comfort.

(guests laughing and chattering)

(smooth rock music)

- Oh, shit, duty calls.

(Skip laughs)

- Duty.

(guests laughing and chattering)

♪ Yo we smoking that sticky ♪

♪ We got that haze, that black and that purple ♪

(Mr. Funonion coughing)

♪ We were smoking that la, la, la, la, ♪

♪ We were smoking north side, east side, ♪

♪ West side, my side, that la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ We were smoking that rye that Crip, ♪

♪ That haze, that Thai, that la, la, la, la, la ♪

- And so crisis was averted,

and father and daughter reached an understanding.

And our alcoholic, sugar-consuming,

nicotine-addicted society

realized that their own hypocrisy concerning a plant

our own founding fathers found crucial

to the founding of this country, well,

they learned nothing.

But luckily, those people will die very soon,

and the new generation without a major stick up its ass

will come along and create new drug laws,

and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

fuckin' blah, blah.

The end.

♪ All my friends are stoners ♪

♪ Lighting up all the time ♪

- [Announcer] This after school special of

"How the Weed was Freed" has been brought to you by

Phrizer Laboratories & Pharmaceuticals.

(classical music)

- [Announcer] Your first million.

Sailing around the world.

A hole in one.

Finding the sweet spot on your tax return.

These are the times for rich, smooth AK-47 from Phrizer.

(gun bangs)

- Ah, savor the terroir.

- It's subtle and yet not flaccid.

- This is a fine AK-47.

- It's killer weed.

(gun bangs)

- [Announcer] Now available at all Talmart, Tarjet,

and Sharp Look stores.

(folk music)

- Nah, forget it, man.

Weed is so corporate now.

This is way lame.

Now what we are gonna do to be subversive?

- You want to suck my dick?

- Yeah, all right.

(heavy metal music)

(Narrator laughs)

- I saw him in the mirror!

- All right.

- You fucking gonad.

- [Director] Do it again, ready?

Go!

- My dad, aw! (crew laughs)

- There you go, buddy, one more.

- Please don't make me bleed the weed.

My dad is in the NRA!

- We got 'em.

- Check. (laughs) - Check.

Are they ready? - yeah, nipples are ready.

- [Director] coming out, okay?

Ready, and action.

Much more of a horse.

- Yeah, horse, yeah, okay.

(chuffs)

You said you wanted to learn how to drive a stick.

(crew laughing)

♪ I debated smoking ♪

♪ Had a stick up my ass ♪

- Yeah, you did, yeah, you did!

♪ Now you'll find me tokin' ♪

♪ The good Jamaican grass ♪

- Barney as a drug dealer.

(sniffs) "Somebody looks like they're out of the weed."

"baggies empty all over the place,

old Barney will come in and fill the bong."

(crew laughing)

"I got some hot growing Mary Jane!"

(crew laughing)

- Hamster nipples. - Stop, man, stop!

- Hamster nipples.

- Dude stop, you gotta stop doing this, (laughs)

I can't breathe.

- I got to write that one down, dude.

(stoners laughing)

♪ Hey, hey, who found the law, yeah ♪

- Stop or we'll open fire!

- Help me, help me!

I can't reach the ground!

- Stop! - Freeze!

(guns banging)

- Don't do it!

(officers shouting) (guns banging)

- [Director] Action.

♪ Hey, hey, who found the law? ♪

- Hey, you!

I'll let you suck my dick- (laughs)

♪ Hey, hey, who found the law? ♪

(guns banging)

♪ The monkey's in the kitchen ♪

♪ And the dog is in the house ♪

♪ Hey, hey, who found the law? ♪

♪ I said the dog's got the munchies ♪

♪ The cat ate the stash ♪

- Well, that's one less hoodlum

for some liberal judge to put back on the street.

♪ Hey, hey, who found the law? ♪

- [Announcer] "Totally Baked."

- Totally bizzaked.

Little movie about people smokin' little pizzot

up in the hizouse.

- Yep, we getting it in.

- Blow a little smizoke in the fizace.

- And then we get a little cuzzi.

- Yeah, people get a little hizigh in the fizou.

- Yeah, right in the eyeballies.

- That's what I'm sayin',

so you know we're all comin' together as a family

to make a little movizzy.

- Yep, we makin' the movies.

- Yeah, we're actually, yo, I don't even know

why Snoop isn't in this.

- Yeah, I don't know.

He should be.

- It was a little bit too low budget for Snoop.

- [Director] So how did the project,

I mean how did it form, you being the writer and everything?

- I was singing, pardon my voice, but,

♪ I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker ♪

The Steve Miller song and my little son, Justin says,

"Daddy, what's a toker?"

And now we have a movie.

Of course in the film, my son Justin

is now a 15 year old hottie

where they find a roach in her birth control pills.

So we figured that would be much more sexy

than a seven-year-old finding marijuana

in his Thomas the Tank Engine.

- [Director] So this movie had a lot of close calls

and a lot of signs from God,

kind of miracles coming together.

- Every single thing that happened in this movie

was amazing how it was just all kind of came into place

in very strange ways.

Like the character of Bertman, the lead character,

the lead debater whose daughter is found with the roach,

that was originally written for me.

- And the director, Lee Abbott, was smart enough to say,

well, you're really not this guy, you play the narrator.

And at first I was going, he's throwing me out,

he's just playing with me now.

But then I really got into the Narrator character,

I got to explore a different type.

We assembled this cast that just ended up together,

a lot of friends.

Everybody does everything on this movie, all hats are worn.

As a matter of fact, Kelly, has doubled as craft services,

thank you for the pretzels, by the way.

- No problem, No problem.

I like to bring the pretzels, they eat a lot of those,

you know, cheese and crackers.

- [Waiter] Gentlemen,

- Low budget and all we get is cheese and fucking crackers.

In Hollywood we're literally referred to as the slam dunk.

When you bring in Mark and Brian,

it's a slam dunk, it's a win.

It's a win-win for everybody involved.

- Craig Shoemaker calls us up and said,

dude, it's just, I don't know what I'm doing.

You know, I wrote this thing and I thought it was funny

and now I know it's a piece of shit.

It's piece of shit, I need the old slam dunks.

- [Interviewer] What kind of movie is "Totally Baked."

- "Totally Baked," the original concept,

which we're hoping ends up on the screen,

is this body romp in finding the truth about marijuana

and the truth about marijuana is it depends who you ask.

- [Interviewer] Tell me about the first time

you ever got stoned.

- So we went to the carwash and my mother had this

beautiful blue Malibu Classic, 1976 Chevrolet.

We were both 14 or 15 and I was newly experienced driving

and I don't think Chris had driven at all.

At some point I said, hey man, back the car up,

I need to vacuum it out and he got in the car

and instead of hitting the brake he hit the accelerator

while the door was open.

And it was like a slow motion movie,

the door just ripped right off on the pole.

And there I was just standing there with his beautiful car,

it was just destroyed.

Which is probably not a good pot story, but it's, you know,

maybe that's because the 14 year olds

shouldn't necessarily smoke.

But so anyway, I went home and my parents found everything.

- I think a senior in high school

at my house in the living room, mom was at work.

And I think we had tried one, or I tried once before

and I didn't get high.

So we're smoking at this time and I'm looking at Chris

and I'm going, man, I don't think this is working,

I'm not high.

I said, but you know, I'm gonna go get some eat.

Chris said I was in the kitchen for about 20 minutes

banging pots and dishes.

And I finally come out

and I'm holding three slices of bread.

Chris goes, what do you got there, man?

I said, you got a bread sandwich. (laughs)

- We went over to this guy's house and he produced this,

like something you'd seen a centerfold of High Times.

And they had one of those gravity bong looking huge things

and, I mean, they were taking a lot and I took one big hit.

Had a few drinks and then next thing I know, I wake up

and I think I've been buried alive

because I'm in a room it's pitch black,

I mean there is no light and I don't know where I am.

I can feel I'm like on a couch

but then I stand up and I like trip over all their shit

and fall into like a shelf and all these boxes fall on me.

Then I get up and I'm like, I'm on like a lawn mower.

And I just start feeling around

and eventually I feel this wall and I'm like,

that feels like a garage door, I'm in somebody's garage.

- We had an ordered a pizza like earlier in the day

and then there's people over,

it was kind of like we were having a little party.

And then we noticed that there was ants attacking the pizza.

So we got Raid and we sprayed it all over the pizza.

Like literally drenched the pizza in Raid,

I'm not kidding, it as disgusting,

there was dead ants everywhere.

The pizza was just covered in dead ants.

So then about four o'clock in the morning,

she wakes up and she's starving and she needs some food.

And actually, we were still

pretty much all awake at this time.

So she's going through the kitchen and she's like,

oh yeah, the pizza.

Starts eating the pizza.

She's on her second piece of pizza

and she's eating the last bite of her second piece

and our friend goes, where did get that pizza?

And she's like, it's in the kitchen.

But we were all like, no!

And the poor girl was like throwing up, it was disgusting.

She was crying, there was ants all over her tongue.

It was nasty.

So we had to call poison control and stuff

but it was pretty fun.

- I tried smoking marijuana and it gave me the shits.

You remember that. - I do.

- 'Cause he was trying to,

it was back when we were in college and he smoked a lot.

- You know, college.

- And every time he did the first thing he wanted to do

was just stick it in somebody's ass.

And we being roommates and everything sometimes,

you know, I'd be sleeping and I wake up like that, anyways.

- Hey, what's that?

- So I tried smoking at one time and I got the shits.

- Yeah, you did.

- Bad. - I remember that.

- So I never really got into that very much.

I mean, I had a couple of times,

and it was just kind of, you know, I didn't inhale, please.

But you know, I never got kind of beyond, well,

let's go and have Haagen-Daz and pizza in that order.

- The smell of pot reminds me of a good rock concert.

- This is all make believe.

I've never inhaled any marijuana, so I really haven't.

I really have not.

I have had a brownie or two in my life, but I was tricked.

I didn't know.

- I've had some dalliances with the demon weed.

I wouldn't put a judgment on it for too long,

but for certainly a chunk of time

when I was out of high school, living in Manhattan,

studying acting, waiting tables,

living in a fifth floor walk up.

Yeah, it was quite a help.

- Oh yeah, you know, they had it, they gave it to me

and I was just like, it finally hit me, I got stoned.

So now I can say I got stoned,

and I knew I was stoned because I laughed hysterically.

- And I started laughing,

and I laughed for about 20 minutes.

(actors laughing)

- Stop!

Stop, you're killing me, you're killing me! (laughs)

- I hope you like the movie, we had fun making it.

(rock music) (bong water bubbling)