Totò nella luna (1958) - full transcript
Two men embarks upon a space race. Their efforts are hampered by aliens who clone the heroes to keep them from exploring further.
A production
Producer
"It really began at the American
launch site of Cape Canaveral...
...in the Grey light of dawn of...
the day after tomorrow... "
Interplanetary Alpha 1 annelid calling the
anti-terrestrial space control station.
A location has been identified where
the terrestrial animals pose a threat...
...by launching toys into space.
Anti-terrestrial space control station
received.
Don't hesitate. Space invasion on
the side of the terrestrial animals...
...is very dangerous for us.
Continue mission.
Received.
Alpha 1 will continue.
Help!
Jeez!
They fired an atomic bomb!
A Hydrogen bomb!
The cold war has heated up!
They started it over the city!
Help!
Help!
What is it? What has happened?
Inform me! Fill me in!
I believe it was a rocket, Sir.
It exploded right over us!
A rocket?!
Oh wow!
Does this seem like a good time
of day for rockets?!
What asshole lets them shoot off
rockets near our houses at this hour!
It's one of those rockets that
they talk about in the newspaper.
Yes-
The ones for the moon!
For the moon! How nice!
It's for the moon! It's true!
Oh yes! It's good? It's about time...
...to publicly express my opinion!
I don't care about satellites, space,
or the moon!
I don't give a
damn about it! Understand?!
Enough now papa. We understood.
It's late, let me sleep!
And at this night owl-hour,
I want to sleep!
It's bad for you, sir!
From my window,
I saw a magnificent...
...explosion with my
interplanetary telescope!
It was fantastic!
Do you know that they also
make a mushroom?
Ah, Yes?
It also made a mushroom?
I don't care
about the mushroom either!
The rockets! Space! The 'mee-ssiles'!
And the other thingies on
the face of earth!
I want to sleep!
Got it?
Good heavens!
Come on papa! I beg you, Stop it!
Plus you don't say...
...'mee-ssiles', you say 'mih-ssiles', with
the accent on the first 'i'!
How many times do I have to tell you?
I'll put the accent wherever I like!
I make the rules in my own house!
Not the opposite!
And I'll put the accent where I want.
Even on the bedside table if I'd like.
Do I know how to write it...
How about that!
'Mee-ssile',
what an unpleasant word...
...'mee...(hic)...ssile'. In America, they
demolished the...(hic) 'mee-ssile'...
You know all these 'astronautical' things
because that moron who's up there...
...has taught you with his
inter-whatever, interplanetary telescope...
'Mee..(hic)...ssile'.
...Sputnik, rockets, satellites,
make me so happy! A good old time!
They would do it to me!
Oh... I would like to think!
Why? To conquer space? And I say what
can they do with space?
What can they do with it?
What is space? It's nothing!
It's air! Conquer air?! If you want
to conquer air, open the window!
Interplanetary Alpha 1 annelid calling
the anti-terrestrial space control station.
Mission complete.
Good! The little terrestrial animals...
...will never be able to arrive in space...
...and infect it with their wickedness.
Their space dreams will stay
in the pages of comic books...
"The devil-men land with their flying disc.
Mercury's air was filled with lead...
...heavy and unbreathable. The guide
from Mercury first opens one eye...
...then a second, then a third, then a
fourth. " -Come on! They're crazy!
Everybody knows that the inhabitants
of Mercury don't have four eyes!
They have 16 of them!
Look where you're going, nutjob!
Barbarian!
What?! "The hawk-men that exit from
the caves on the planet Sirius... "
They've gone mad! They say it like
we're infants!
The hawk-men don't come from Sirius!
They're from the planet Mongo!
They've all gone mad!
Who wrote this rubbish? "George Brown?"
Nice one George Brown!
They probably even pay you in dollars
to write this stupid stuff! In dollars!
Ah, when will my moment arrive?
Dear god, come on!
"Soubrette. Weekly Magazine.
Management. Administration. Printery.
Warehouse. Head Office. Address of the
owner and family. Fourth floor. "
Listen to this stuff!
The hawk-men on Sirius!
Accountant, you ever heard of the
hawk-men on Sirius? -No, not me.
Then they complain because science
fiction is falling into decay. Come on!
Come off it! Science fiction,
Hawk-men, Sirius!
The boss is furious.
He's over there with the
Commander and the cover girl.
Is it everything?
- Yes, fifty percent of it.
What? -Here it is: half a bra, half a
garter belt, one stocking, and a shoe.
The supplier said he'd send half today
and the rest when we have the money.
And the top hat? -He said for the price,
we get a boa instead of a hat.
This 'Bo-yah'
- Boa, you must be joking!
For this we've done over three thousand
covers! Give me your cap!
We'll be photographing these
poor girls nude! Nude!
Accountant, have you prepared the
reports for the last circulation?
Miss, I'm still waiting for the data from the
distributors. -OK, but call them, otherwise
Papa will hear about this.
Show me.
No, this is not OK. Also, you're missing
the figures from the last circulation.
No, look, it's better if you call and
have them give you the exact numbers. OK?
Oh! Achille! Something new everyday!
You're a terrible house-mistress.
You have no sense of hospitality,
excuse me.
You can't welcome martians into
the house like that!
Do you know what the smokers
do when the earthlings arrive?
What?
- They strike up a lightning. Thanks!
Just allow me five minutes!
- Come on Achille!
What did you take today? Up!
We'll see each other in the afternoon!
OK!
- Also, papa's in the other room.
He's waiting for the captions
to the photos for this edition.
Ah! this stupid paper! Instead, I had a
magnificent idea...
...on how to finish my novel.
Really? -Of course!
- You managed to resolve it?
Yes! Here's the last chapter...
can you write please?
Yes. -You take it down
and I'll dictate. -Yes, just a second.
You Ready? -Ready.
"Jackson, Wimbledon, and Major Buckingham...
...dressed in insulating spacesuits...
...cautiously open the doors
of the spaceship."
And voilà! There it is!
Magnificent!
Not bad! Your little friend
will be our paper's most excellent cover!
And all this for how much? Only 50,000 lire!
'Imperial' Commander.
Half a shoe?! -Yes. -Half a stocking?!
- That's right. -Half a bra?! -You got it!
Why don't we do a nice thing?
How about half price, 25,000 lire?
Don't offend me! Our magazine has a
large audience!
What do all the adolescents
in Italy read? Soubrette!
Do you know how many adolescents
there are in Italy?
Look me in the face! Do you know
how many? Two million!
Calm down! -OK, sorry, you had your
face near me.
Two million! And soldiers!
And where are the soldiers put?
- In the barracks.
Barracks? That doesn't make sense.
I meant how many Italian soldiers are there?
How many soldiers are there?
- I'm asking you, how many are there?
It's a question you are asking me?
- Obviously! -I don't know!
And then why are you interfering?!
Miss, where do we put the soldiers?
Of course we put them! -Yes?
- What do you think?!
I was elected Miss Tank two years
ago in Forlì! -Heh?
You could also write it underneath.
- Ah, you can also write it underneath?
You're from Bologna?
- I had a wet nurse from Bologna.
Come, come. We can do something
because it's for the Army...
We'll do 40,000 lire, a kiss on top,
and we won't talk about it again!
Sorry, didn't mean to scratch you.
-30,000 lire. Paid after the publication...
...and we won't talk about it again!
And a kiss on top? -No!
OK, I'll put it on there myself, never mind!
Well, miss?
Smile! Tanks out! No, the right one.
Kindly make it level with the left one.
Level! Is it level? -Level.
- I don't know, it's a question... level?
Yes! -Yes.
- Think of the troops!
Moisten your lips, like this!
Ready? One, two, three!
Done.
Miss, please, some biographic information
to put under the photograph.
Miss Tank, we already said that? -Yes
Name?
Cancellotti, Teodolina. Born in,
Horsebath.
How do you do that, what do you
do with Horsebath?
Yeah, but the poor girl was born with it.
- Yeah, but these horses that bathe...
...and then it's the name! We can't write
'Cancellotti'.
We have to invent something exotic...
let's do 'Doris Isgrid'.
You like it? 'Doris Isgrid', yes.
Born... where do we say she's born?
In Basel -No, these actresses are all
from Sweden. They're all Swedish
Stockholm, the capital.
Presently in Italy to shoot a
feature length film.
Calm down! -Ah, yes? Very nice!
Which one?
It's always written this way...
only fibs. -Yes? -Yes.
Tell me, what are your favorite sports?
- Me, what should I say?
I used to gallop in the country,
with my uncle's horses.
You 'galloped'? Commander, she
'galloped'. -How should it be?
In Horsebath with her uncle's horses!
...We weren't born yesterday!
We'll say horseback riding.
"...now on his feet, the Major
turns around...
...and presses the uranium trigger of
his rocket-pistol."
He struggled and said:
- Who?
"The big cockroach is coming our way!"
- No!
"The big cockroach! There it is!"
- I don't see it!
What do you mean you don't see it?
The stinger is coming towards us!
Ah! -Eww, It makes me sick!
It's here between our feet!
No! It's flying -Where? -Up in the sky!
Here it is! It's a big flying cockroach!
There! It's landing!
- Here it's landing! I got it!
Here it is!
- Papa stop! It's only a cat!
It's true -It's not possible,
mercury gas doesn't exist here!
No, the only thing here is dirt.
I pay you to clean and you let...
...cockroaches grow to the size of
submarines!
No Papa, what are you saying?
It's a pussy-cat! My poor pussy-cat,
where did he go?
Oh, poor pussy-cat
what did they do to you?
A pussy-cat! -Pussy-cat! And we
thought it might have been... -ha ha ha
...No, I'm saying we thought it was
-ha ha ha -No, one of those...
What horrible laughter! Why would
you say it's a big cockroach?
Right, I'll explain.
Let's go, speak! And hurry up!
- Yes, agreed.
Do it now! -Sir, I... -Do you want to talk
or not? -Sir... -Wrap it up! It's three...
...hours, speak! Speak! -No, papa,
he was dictating his novel to me.
What? -Yes, Achille's a genius.
- Who, him? -He writes, and intends...
...for you to be the editor. Come on
Achille, explain it to him.
- Achille, Come on.
Come on Achille. Explain it to me.
Sir, I've modestly written a small book.
It's not a comedy novel, sir. It's a
science fiction novel. Here, This would be...
...the cover, take a look. -Nice!
- The pretext is that it's a vile octopus.
Get it? -A vile octopus. -It's not funny
This octopus is really dangerous...
The title of the book, which is serious,
not comical, is 'The Rocket in Horace'
No! 'The Rocket from Space'
-'The Rocket in Horace'!
It's a science fiction novel,
therefore 'The Rocket in Space'
Sir, please don't laugh. I dedicated
all of my free time to this novel.
Please go away! Throw it away!
Ignoramus!
My poor vile octopus.
I know how all these octopi got
into your head. I found it in your locker.
Here it is. Who is this baby?
It's you!
Yes, It's me. I don't feel ashamed
about how I was raised.
Yes, my father was a zoo
caretaker when I was born, OK?
It's all clear! Now I understand.
Your mother went to the reptile unit...
...during her pregnancy.
That's why you dabble in monsters.
Sir, I beg you not to offend my
mother's memory. I write science fiction...
...shut up... In science fiction, the
monsters, the martians, create a thrill...
...an atmosphere. This doesn't talk about,
scandals, love intrigue, or...
...scantily clad women. This
doesn't talk about that nonsense.
According to your point of view
These are a kind of nonsense?
These here are only nonsense?
This life, oxygen...
...this is bread, work. Young man
you are not up for this.
Know this, the public doesn't want to
see monsters, swarms, spiders...
...and the like. No!
The public wants to see beautiful women,
the more beautiful the better!
Excuse me dear, I'm talking about
work, don't listen. You remember that...
In this paper you don't do science
fiction. You must be a working man.
A messenger. A cleaning man.
The enslaved get paid what
they deserve. Idiot!
Remember, if you find yourself talking
to this martian fool... -But papa!
Be quiet! Rather than copying these notes
for the cover. It's important.
It's about that friend of
Commander Santoni. Got it!
What? OK.
There! You can't manage to do anything.
You'll always remain what you are.
You don't love me anymore.
Lydia, What are
you saying? I don't love you anymore?!
You have to trust me you'll see
that I'll publish my novel one day!
Yeah, when? -When, when... of course
you must be patient. Here in Italy...
...things go how they go. Maybe in
America they would have already launched it.
But what America? Someone like you
will never do anything...
...in any part of the world.
- What are you saying, Lydia, I beg you!
All the big writers in America started like
me, with nothing! You'll see, I'll do it too!
Want to bet?
Dear Mister Pasquale, the
third-rate printing director.
With this cover, and with the first
installment of my novel...
...you'll see how big the circulation is!
But where do you find a head like mine?
Ah! Ouch. It hurts. Doctor, it's not
a serious wound is it?
No it's not serious. -No, because I'll
report your father for assault.
Calm down dear.
- Bad! -Stay still, nothing's broken.
It's just a little blood -And also a job.
When Commander Santoni saw
the octopus instead of his friend...
...he sued Papa for the damages.
Achille, It's not a good combination.
It's not my fault if he prefers women to
octopi. An idea like this, struck...
...America, and instead, your father
struck me. And to think I've already...
...prepared the wedding invitations.
- You're going to be married?
Yes.
- Then, congratulations and goodbye.
Thank you, but I think it will be rather difficult.
- Poor me! -Let's go dear.
Good day doctor.
- Goodbye.
Crespi, these cotton balls were
soiled with blood!
Soiled with blood how? They're white!
- Now! Before they were soiled...
...that patient that left now. I saw it
decolorize here with my own eyes.
You're not a little crazy? Are you sure?
- Very sure!
We'll take it to Professor Cardoni
immediately.
Incredible!
This blood contains glumonium.
Glumonium! Impossible.
- Glumonium is only found in monkey's blood!
Yes, but there's no doubt!
This man's blood contains glumonium!
The exam is clear! -But then he's a
monster! His parents must have
mixed with monkeys!
There's no need to assume anything.
But, how absurd, it's enough to be
brought up in contact with monkey's milk.
Absurdity! However, what's interesting
for now is the results.
Do you have his name? -Of course, we
keep a record of all the out patient
names at the check-in desk.
Bring it to me immediately.
And don't tell anyone. Especially
not him. This is a very important thing...
...that no one can know. You can go.
- Good day. -Good day gentlemen.
Hello? I'm speaking with the
American embassy?
I would like to speak to Mr. Lloyd.
At the Pentagon a few hours later.
Excuse me, sir, 8,000 lire in severance
pay after five years of work?!
That's an abuse!
How could you say that?
'How could you say that?'
The cheater says 'How could you say that?'
Five years of work!
More like five years of idleness!
Five? Heh! He must be right, the number
isn't right.
That's what I was saying. -Also,
I'm the only one who says 'I was saying'!
Is it clear? Here is the list of all the
damages you have caused at our paper.
What damages? -What damages?!
How insolent! Well here they are...
...two chairs, an umbrella, a Chinese vase,
24 inkpots, two pens...
...one blotting paper, and some erasers.
What do you mean?
All that stuff is my fault?
Yes! You understand!
You broke them with your head!
If your head was softer,
this stuff wouldn't have been broken!
Is it clear? If I get angry the blood
goes to my head -Sir, calm down.
Therefore... -Therefore the total is 8,000.
-8,000 -Give -Him? -Him. -To him? -Yeah.
I know, but then there are the
deductions. Did you see the deductions?!
But what deductions?
- I'll tell you which!
Here: the pens, the chairs, the inkpots,
the umbrellas, the Chinese vases...
...taxes, embargoes, payments. The
subsidiaries. And disturbing the peace.
Total...four, five... he owes us
450 lire. Give it!
You are a monster! -It's true, I am
a monster, rather an octopus...
...a vile one. You must be a nice man,
who's well liked by octopi.
OK, let's cut it short, sir.
- Don't offend us!
Before leaving this place where no one
understands me, could I please...
...say a painful goodbye to your daughter?
The only one who understands me here.
Sir, calm down. -I was waiting for this,
look, these young authors of...
...science rubbish. -Science fiction.
- Science rubbish. -Science fiction!
Rubbish! -Fiction! -It doesn't exist!
Open and shut!
They behave like that character
from 'Carolina Licorice'.
'Robiolina Invernizzi' (Soccer hero)
- Licorice or Invernizio, same thing!
Argh.
- It's all the same to me!
Foreseeing the pathetic encounter
between two lovebirds...
...I, the stern father,
sent my daughter to her grandmother.
Fine, I'll go, I'll go.
First, there's something to say to you...
...old-fashioned, medieval.
- Me? You understand? He called me...
...'mid-oval'.
- This is too much! -Definitely medieval!
Because you ignore that civilization
is only progressing to arrive in space!
Space? Just wait for what arrives
for you from space, this!
This stuff arrives from space!
- Sir! There all spacial things.
Don't keep me! Go away!
700 lire.
(German accent) Herr Professor,
there is no doubt. It's them.
Good. An indication of their departure
from Washington D.C. is correct.
Connor and Campbell from the
American Space Department...
...on a mission in Rome.
What are they looking for? What do
you think, Tatiana?
I don't know anything about
interplanetary science like you professor.
But, if our government is interested
in something, it means it's interesting.
Good. I'm curious. I'm not displeased
to have interrupted my cosmic research...
...in the mountains. To follow this trail.
OK,Tatiana, this is your work, follow...
...those two inside there. I think
there must be an important space secret.
"Dear Lydia, I love you. But I can't let
you marry a man who's worth...
...less than 450 lire, tax included. One day
a miracle will come. The door will open...
...slowly, like a marvelous dream."
Two rich men will enter and say to me:
- Hello, are you Mr. Achille Paoloni?
"Hello, are you Mr. Achille Paoloni?"
"Oh, yes" there I wrote it. And after that?
Oh! Excuse me!
Americans!
Please, make yourselves at home.
Take a seat.
FBI Center, Radio City Center.
Yes, they're from TV.
They heard people talking about me.
They're here for a contract. It's
not possible. English!
Dear god! I don't know how to speak
English. Help me God...
...I hope I can speak English!
Is there nobody here?
- What? Nobody? I'm here, the owner!
Foreigner? -Uh huh. -And you
came to do yourself a cover? -Uh huh.
Welcome. On this side. I'll do the
street side.
After you.
Miss, I'll do the cover right away.
You're interesting and strange.
I want to know you. -Me?
Know lots of things about you.
- Heavens!
I like you. You're mysterious.
- Yes.
Try to understand that if you
are sincere with me, I can be...
...very useful to you. Tell me
the truth. You don't only do...
...photography.
- No.
Very perceptive! My perceptive lady!
Give me one of your hugs!
Actually, I don't only do photography.
There's something else...
Now I'll let you in on a little secret that
even my administrators don't know.
But, doll, mum's the word.
Watch.
I'm a man of the world.
- No! I wasn't intending that.
Manager!
- One moment!
Come in, but not immediately!
Mr. Manager, Mr. Manager!
Did I tell you? What are they doing?
Don't you see what I'm doing, I'm
shooting photos and when I'm
shooting photos, don't disturb me!
I know! But this is a strange thing.
Two Americans came to talk to Achille.
- Two Americans?
Do you understand?
Lunch! You're hungry?
Very good! There's a nice restaurant...
...then I'll understand you better...
- Sir, Sir, Sir... In Italian...
Rocket!
Rocket.
Did you say rocket?
- Yes -In space? -In space!
In space! This! -Yes!
- Like this, rocket in space!
You want to launch me with my book
'The Rocket in Space', with this here?!
- Launch you. Rocket in space.
You'll launch my book
'The Rocket in Space'?!
Where do you want to launch it?
'Where launch'?
What? -Oh wow! -What?
- Oh wow! -Still? -Yeah!
A plot. -What? -A plot.
They're plotting in there.
It's an epic plot. They're 'plotwrights'.
100,000 dollars! 100,000 dollars?!
100,000 dollars.
This deposit. After, the balance.
- More after?
100,000 dollars! 100,000 dollars...
- Sir, sir.
What's going on?
Work questions.
- Important enough to faint?
I would like to see you in his place.
The Americans offered 100,000 dollars...
...to that idiot there!
- For what reason? -For a novel.
For this thing here. 'The Rocket in Space'.
Crazy!
I want to get a glass of water.
Stay with him.
Marvelous man.
- You phenomenal man.
Just think that there's someone who says
I don't know how to do anything!
That I'm an idiot, understand?! Thanks.
He knows that I would be an idiot!
I'll show you that I'm no idiot!
I'll prove that I can do many things!
That I know how to do a lot!
That I will go to high places! Very high!
Very high? But top secret!
Silence is much better,
we'll surprise everybody!
You come with us in America.
Immediately.
Immediately?! No, It's not possible,
I have a girl that I must marry.
My leettle girl for marry-ed.
Yes, not a damn thing will happen to me.
He's still out? Sir!
He told me! Sir?
Yes, he has no signs of life.
Maybe he's dead.
Sir!
Where am I? -Here, sir.
- Where am I?
Who are you? I don't recognize you.
I don't recognize you. No, no, I
recognize you.
The voluptuous foreigner.
Idiot! 100,000 dollars!
The Americans!
The Americans! Where are they?
Where is that imbecile Achille?
Let's go in the office.
The Americans. Achille. Where.
We need to search. Search! Search!
What are you looking for? Where are
you looking? -I don't know.
What are you looking for? We need to
look for Achille and The Americans.
Come here. Come here!
I know where to find them.
I have to print his book first!
Yes, 'The Pocket in Space'
-'The Pocket... 'Rocket in Space'.
I'll show him it's already done!
- Good.
The Americans are too late!
Those American editors make
me laugh!
I'll walk off with the dollars!
They'll settle with me!
Now I'll have the ace up my sleeve!
The Americans think they're clever!
But they can't do that with us.
I understood immediately that the novel
you photographed contained...
...a secret formula for spaceship fuel.
Now read a little of that.
"Major Buckingham decides it's necessary
to make a new liquid propellant...
...to launch a rocket on earth."
- Yes.
"He took a kilo of gunpowder
from the rocket."
A kilo of gunpowder? -Yes.
"200 grams of nitroglycerine."
200 grams of nitroglycerine?
- Yes.
"And a pinch of cellulose nitrate."
A pinch of cellulose nitrate?
- Yes.
"Then add tannic acid."
Tannic acid. Put the tannic acid.
Put it. Yes.
Enough!
"And 3º/º refined aniline."
Refined aniline, 3º/º.
Three percent! One, two, three, enough!
"To substitute the combustible alcohol,
he had an idea."
He goes into the rocket and returns
with Scotch whiskey.
Scotch whiskey! We forgot this!
This!
"With extreme caution, he pours it
on top of the other substances...
...in the insulated container."
A little more. There, like that.
This is good.
Then?
-"And then blow".
Blow? -Mm-hmm.
Herr Professor!
Herr Professor! Herr Professor!
Maybe that whiskey wasn't
Scottish.
Hello baby! Hello baby!
Do you want to get in my car,
grand car Spider. Yes? Baby, baby? Yes...
Excuse me, there's a man who's
bothering me. -Yes.
Hey, young man, harassing women
is prohibited!
That beauty is my fiancé!
Your fiancé? Hey! Young man!
Who's leg do you think you're pulling?!
Lydia? Lydia! Why didn't you
recognize me? It's me, Achille!
Achille! It's really you!
Oh! How nice!
What do you say, huh?
Young man, do you want to stop that?
How many times do I have to repeat
that this girl is my fiancé?
Are you still persisting?
Let it be, he's really my fiancé.
- How come you didn't know before?
I didn't recognize him.
With regard to this, how did you do it?
where did you get these clothes, the car?
Don't worry, I'll explain it to you later.
No, you must explain immediately.
The situation is not clear...
...where did you get the car?
I bought this car half an hour ago, with
my money. OK?
But how, if you've never had
even one lire?
Young man, enough chatting,
let's hear the truth.
The truth is, the car
is mine because I'm a millionaire.
A millionaire?
- Certainly. I bought this car with dollars.
Yes? -Do you know what dollars are?
Have you ever seen dollars?
Do you want to see a
handful of dollars? Here it is, see it?
Look, observe, smell!
Achille, what did you do?
Be calm dear, be calm. This is only a
small deposit in dollars.
The rest will come later. The Americans
bought my novel, 'The Rocket in Space'.
But no! -But, of course! And if all goes
well, they'll also buy...
...'The Mysterious Cockroach'!
Oh, Achille!
What will they buy?
-'The Mysterious Cockroach'.
In short, would you like
to mind your own business, yes or no?
And would you like to prove to me
that you made money selling...
...cockroaches to The Americans?
I'm not an idiot!
No? Well then, here.
This is my novel, 'The Rocket in Space'.
and my autograph too. Now you...
...know who I am and how I became
a millionaire.
How nice!
- Please!
Achille! -And now we're going
to your Papa to have a word.
This rubbish makes money?!
Thieves are more honest!
Listen, doesn't this illustration seem a
little too nauseating for a book?
You told me cockroach,
I did a cockroach, not pretty girls.
Yes, I know, but, you know, it could be a
little more gentle. It would make sense.
An individual that has to find a
big cockroach endearing...
...it needs to be cockroach-like,
and also have something attractive.
Sir, you must sign these bills.
Yes. Oh, and tomorrow, the new rotary
press must be ready to use.
And, there are these as well.
- Yes, sir, and if you remember...
The 500,000 kilos of paper we ordered
should arrive so we can print. Let's go.
Manager! The paper's distributor
called he said that the cover...
...with the octopus didn't even sell
three thousand copies!
Who gives a damn!
I'll close the paper!
Suspend publication!
Our troubles are almost over!
We are hooked up to America!
With the big cockroach, we are
entering into the orbit of the dollar!
Let's hope.
- What do you mean, let's hope?
But, sorry, what are you worried about?
These four little bills?
Don't you know that there's no need
for me to sign them...
...my word of honor is enough!
You do the accounts!
I'm printing a book to be launched...
...in America! That's to be launched
in America! 48 states! 48 I tell you!
Only for the rights, I'll earn thousands!
No... millions!
Without taking into account
the copies sold in Italy.
Yes, OK, you never know, it might have
been better to have signed the bills.
Excuse me, I would like...
- Listen, do this for me, bring me...
...the other cockroaches, then
we'll do it all in one bill.
Good day. -Good day. -Good day.
Goodbye and good day.
What's this?
This is the bill from the
the tobacconist who sold us the bills.
Commander Santoni called,
he will be coming at 10.
He said we must pay the compensation
to Miss Tank, or he'll sue us.
And do you know what I'll say
to you again:
Who gives a damn!
About the Commander, about Miss Tank,
and about lawsuits!
It's 10 o'clock. He's late. Look how
I'll welcome Commander Santoni!
I'm sorry to leave you for a
moment, treasure.
I must have a word with your
dear parent.
Good day Miss.
- Good day.
OK dear. But be nice.
And be quick.
I go, I speak, I come back.
Now I'll knock. He'll respond with that
longshoreman's voice of his:
'Who is it? Come in, come in!'
I won't respond, I'll knock again.
He's sitting, he gets up, with a...
...few steps he comes to open the door.
He laughs at me and lies in wait saying:
'Here's the scientist, here's the scientist...
...who does science fantasy.
And the same scientist who did...
...the big cockroach. You have to
tell me something?! Tell me! Tell me!'
I will say simply this: 'stick out your
little tongue, put it between your lips...
...and blow and make one of
those ungainly noises...
...usually made by rude people with firm
and decisive characters, like you.
This must be Commander Santoni.
Now I'll set things straight!
Oh no! You wanted to tell me,
you wanted to tell me something.
My Achille! My Achille! I'll never
forgive myself for what I did!
My dear! Come in, darling.
Come, excuse me.
Excuse me, you know, I thought you
were that half-wit Commander.
You know, that pot-bellied man?
I never would have blown
a raspberry at you!
Sit! Sit at my desk! I'm happy!
Very happy! That there's a great man...
...like you at my place. With an intellect
like yours. Sit!
Thanks a lot, Sir!
- You're welcome.
But, up until now, you were acting
like a fool.
I was a fool to call you a fool.
- Now you see...
The point I'm making, look at the
cockroaches, spiders, bugs, mice...
...and various beasts.
That's offensive, I'm going.
- Where are you going?
These are the illustrations from your
book, 'The Rocket in Space'.
I've already given them to the printers!
- Really?! -Yes. -Really?! -Yes.
Thank you sir! -You're welcome!
- I'm sorry but you're too late.
Why? What time is it?
- No, I mean too late. Unfortunately...
...The Americans have made me another
proposal. In fact I'm waiting for a call
from the lawyer for a contract.
Because you're crazy? You're crazy!
Don't you know you're already...
...under contract with me?
You're my associate.
I associated you.
Mr. Associate, do you want a granita
or something else?
Oh Papa! You're really a treasure!
Ah yes, yes! We'll settle up
with The Americans immediately.
They can have the American market,
and we will do the rest of the world. OK?
Oh, you know, I read the book?
It's marvelous.
I read it from the first to the last page.
And you liked it?
- Yes, I'm an enthusiast. The ending...!
In the end, the cockroach
with whiskers...
...was like a man in an evening gown.
There it is! How nice!
Yes, but this wasn't what I
wanted to say. Lydia and I...
You want to marry her.
I know.
Young man, if I was you...
What else can I say? I don't know!
What else can I say? I don't know!
Go grow and multiply yourselves!
OK, we must multiply ourselves very soon
because the American managers are...
...waiting for me in America.
- Just think how nice papa...
...the honeymoon in America,
at Niagara Falls!
My girl, be careful not to fall into the
waterfall.
There once was a man who broke 3 legs...
No, It was 2 men...
Oh, come on...
It'll be a quick American-style wedding.
OK, Poppy!
OK daughter!
I feel like the father of the Gracchus
here are my jewels.
End of the First Half
Second Half
Oh! Finally we're here.
Iannone...
Dope! It's a top hat!
Look at that.
I prepared this little villa for the
lovebirds.
Ianonne, there's also a pool.
Sir, did you do it? -What?
- The pool.
Me? What are you saying? It was there!
- It was there. -And I found it.
This complex, is a complex worthy
of 'Palm String Beach'.
Palm String Beach. Beach, do you
know it's written in English? Be-ach.
Contract. Wedding present.
- Thank you.
Oh! Pappy!
Please come, welcome. Come.
Come here. Look at this!
Marvelous!
Yes, It's a coffee-table book!
A first rate cover.
Magnificent!
- Read a little: coprey... coprey-tee... copy...
'Copyright'. -Copyright. Copyright, for
the whole world.
Norway, Swederland... Swederland?
Sweden! And America.
Thank you, thank you Daddy dearest!
How gross. -My little publishing house!
He's 'Treccani' ('Three dogs' publisher)
Three dogs?! Now we're exaggerating.
I'm only one dog, big fur.
Now I'll do a contract with both of you.
Contract. With him for dollar! Isn't it?
He knows about the launch? -Here I am.
- Yes! He's my father-in-law! -It's obvious.
You father my wife.
- Right, right, right.
But, please, keep the secret.
- For heaven's sake!
Here are all the papers for your trip.
- Tickets!
You married. You leave.
My honeymoon at Niagara Falls!
- What a dream!
Florida, Niagara! -Yeah, yes.
- No, Cape Canaveral.
Ah! Cape Canaveral! -Yes, 'Cape Cadaver'.
Wow! Now I recognize the name...
...in 'Cape Cadaver' there must be
a good printery.
What printery? -Huh?
- What printery?!
Did you understand? At Cape Cadaver
there are four printeries!
These Americans sure do things big!
The book, the book...
- What book?! -Translation...
What translation?! -Translation!
- Tip, tip, tip, tip...
But we don't... how do you
say it in Italian?
We don't care about the book!
Ah.
No book! We don't give a damn at all!
That reconfirms it.
No, no, they're joking. You joking? Yes.
They're joking, they're American!
The first thing foreigners do when they come
to Italy is learn curse words, like...
...'I don't care', or 'I don't give a damn'.
They're joking. It's a common error!
It is an error! That I made!
I made the error. My fault, my fault!
Because I didn't split your head before!
This book doesn't just make me sick...
...this makes everyone sick, including the
Americans! I'm ruined!
I'm ruined...
Interplanetary Alpha 1 annelid calling the
anti-terrestrial space control station.
Alert! The terrestrial animals found a
humanoid who can be launched into space.
How, how, how, many thousands of dollars?
Thirty million dollars!
If he shoots himself into space!
Yes, if he shoots himself. Shoot yourself!
- No, no. -Contracts, contracts!
Shoot yourself! -No, a word... -Shoot
yourself -But why?... -There's no reason...
We've become crazy! -How dare you!
We've become crazy! -How dare you!
Let's shoot your grandfather into
space. Your grandfather!
Don't be silly! I let you marry my daughter
because you were going to be launched!
Yes! But as a writer!
- As a writer, or as a rocket it's...
...the same thing.
A launch is a launch!
No! If it's a launch, it's a launch!
Let's not joke around!
Don't be afraid, you have good blood!
Did you hear? "No afraid! Good blood!"
You resist! -You resist! -But what
do you mean resist?!
Excuse me, one moment.
You understand that they're giving
you 30 million dollars!
Yes, but I...
- Do it for me! Do it for my daughter!
I'm ruined!
I printed all that stuff!
I'm going to end up in prison with
all of these bills!
Trust them, they already
have rockets up there!
Yes, but there are meteors...
- So?
The cosmic rays? -So? -The monsters?
- So? -The swarms! -So? -Octopi?
Bring yourself an umbrella!
He's going, he's going!
He's going in the rocket.
- No! He's not going! -Go, go!
No, I'm very terrified of octopi!
Now you're afraid of octopi?!
You're playing a double game!
Now he has the octopi afraid of him...
no, he's afraid of octopi!
This is the man who married
my flower of a daughter with treason!
Coward! Fearful!
- Listen papa... -Silence!
What do you think? That I think of
vile money? No! No!
In this moment I think of Italy!
Of Italy!
Long live Italy!
You ungrateful wretch, you have the
chance to become...
...the Christopher Columbus of space. The
Amerigo Vespucci of the rocket...
...and you refuse.
- Yes, I refuse, I refuse, yes.
But you forget that we are a people
of poets...
...of inventors, and above all, of navigators!
You refuse? -Yes.
- Take it! You rascal!
Excuse me.
- Of course.
What's going on?
I'll tell you what's going on!
Your husband, this idiot, this imbecile,
has the opportunity...
...to earn 30 million dollars!
One dollar is a big deal!
And he refused it!
OK, he refuses!
We are a democratic nation.
We can't force someone to do
something that he doesn't want to do.
Listen, the voice of America.
- Shut up, rocket-man!
Rocket-man? What's he saying?
- He's gone mad.
Please, even if you refuse,
you must keep the secret!
OK, OK.
One moment! I'm the father-in-law
and I want to speak!
I'm sorry, but thank you all the same.
In any case, you think.
If you decide yes, we are ready.
You phone.
- OK, but I don't think so.
Last thing,
you give back our car tomorrow.
And we suspend the dollars
payment to you.
Just a moment, don't suspend it!
Americans, don't suspend it,
God forbid!
What is it?
I think they want to chase us away,
let's take advantage of it!
You can't go away like this!
We can't just forget it like this!
I'm in debt,
there are creditors, bills!
There are people who roll their eyes
at the rocket man and I.
Ah, agent! Agent!
I understand.
He understood? Good.
Even if Mr. Achille refuses,
we will protect you with agents.
Agents for me? This is a good idea
protection from the creditors with agents.
What will you give me, the police?
Police? No police. -No police?
- FBI, G-men.
To surround your house with
American agents.
Good. American agents!
It might be possible that a powerful foreigner.
An unscrupulous powerful foreigner.
- Who knows the glumonium.
Do you understand glumonium?
Yes, well, I don't speak English, but...
He knows about Mr. Achille...
He could compel him in a satellite,
violently, with force.
This would be a great idea!
Make him fly with force, with violence!
Goodbye! -Wait a minute,
my bills! Mr. American...
Do you think that now I've become your
wife that I want to be your widow?
Well, If you would like, I'll shoot
myself into space.
I would use all my power to
obstruct you.
I married a man, not a bullet!
You want to remain my wife even
if you've married a starving man.
Don't insult my husband!
But I'm your husband!
- Not yet.
Think dear, the marriage still
hasn't been consummated.
Oh! but we'll consummate it!
Oh how we'll consummate it!
We won't talk about science fiction
anymore, right?
No, we won't talk about it...
I'll align myself with the
unscrupulous foreigner!
Yes, how will I do it?
I don't understand politics!
I should look here.
In the delegation.
I'll show you!
Here they are!
Afganistan, Albania, Ancona.
No, not Ancona!
Oslo, Ajaccio, Israel.
Israel, Israel!
No, I need money and they don't
have even a lire! Not even a lire.
There it is! I found it!
Here it is: San Marino!
No, San Marino doesn't have powerful
foreigners, they're all from Bologna.
Maybe we can help.
Good evening.
- Yes, it's the tall foreign lady!
Good! And who are they?
- My friends.
Friends working for a country for which
your information could greatly help.
Good! They deal with the
unscrupulous power... who is it?
Friends, you understand it's like the
classic cheese on the macaroni.
Macaroni? -Macaroni.
- You said macaroni? -I said macaroni.
Can you provide information about
the space secret?
Secret?
Naughty! A super-secret.
I don't want to boast, but I hold...
You see me in plain clothes...
...but I'm the holder of an atomic
interplanetary space rocket secret!
That's worth millions.
Achtung!
- What? -Achtung.
Look, don't call me 'Arthur', my name's
Sir Pasquale Da Poggio Mirteto.
No, I was saying: 'Attention!'
Attention!
You have already cheated us once
with that little novel! Got it?!
They cheated me too with that novel!
But now this deals with something else.
Here... have you heard of 'glumonium'?
Glu... glu... what? Wunderbar!
Marvelous!
Glumonium! That's what we're
dealing with!
The Americans found a man with
glumonium in his blood...
...and want to launch him into space.
Thanks. Can I?
Let's do it again. Now I'll do it again.
Are you interested?
- I'm infinitely interested. Where is he?
Ouch! -It doesn't matter. -Of course
it matters, it's one of my fingers!
Doesn't matter!
There, there!
There it is, the rocket man.
- Where?
The rocket man is there.
- Where? -There, there!
From where?
- Look there, there!
I don't want to boast, but I'm
offering you a top quality rocket man.
A 100º/º guaranteed rocket man, whole,
unassailable... even from cosmic rays.
For all this, powerful foreigner... out with
some dough. -Just a minute.
Tatiana, there's a problem. American
agents have the house under surveillance.
Look.
Watch them.
I'll take care of it. -Don't provoke
a diplomatic incident.
We have to take the rocket man without
violence, his body must remain perfect.
What?! An unscrupulous power
shouldn't have such scruples.
Silence please.
I'll do it with maximum sweetness.
Don't worry. Did you forget that...
...they call me 'The Cat' and I'm
famous for my smarts.
Only?
Quiet please. Now you will please
come with me to my house.
I'm saying we shouldn't waste time.
Because the rocket man...
...was married to my daughter
this morning. And, man to man...
...the idea of rocket grandchildren
makes me sick. -Doesn't matter.
Come with me.
- It matters to me, Mr. Power... listen...
What do you usually do at this
time every night?
I go... I go to bed.
- Right.
And you?
- Me too.
Or it depends, if I'm tired, I go
to bed. If I'm not tired, I don't.
And are you tired tonight?
- Yes, very...
Help!
Help!
Interplanetary Alpha 1 annelids calling the
anti-terrestrial space control station.
We ask for an immediate intervention.
A dangerous terrestrial situation
has developed.
The terrestrial animals have decided
to launch a humanoid against his will.
I repeat: against his will.
We want an immediate response.
Be calm. We are thinking.
Interplanetary laws prevent
the use of violence.
If a humanoid goes into a rocket,
we can't disintegrate the satellite.
It would be a crime. We think that
the only solution is to resort to plan B2RO.
To put a duplicate of the same
humanoid into the rocket.
The terrestrial animals will never realize,
and our duplicate will do what we order.
Agreed.
Send the germination pod immediately.
We repeat:
Send the germination pod.
Lydia, hold me... -What are you doing?
Don't ruin everything with your brutality.
What brutality?! So, are we or are we
not married?
Yes dear, I prepared your pajamas in the
guest bathroom. Knock when you're ready.
Pajamas! A step in the right
direction indeed!
Go.
First night... my goodness... how
exciting... seduction...
...for you it takes the art of love.
Wedding night... how exciting!
Wedding night... all of my seduction...
Waah!
Attention! Remember that you are
a pod creature. Do you understand?
A pod creature. We have created you
and we can destroy you.
If you come near me and feel
my face... that's a little prickly...
...you will say... hello, go back in there!
Go, pod creature! You were born
to be launched into space.
In the place of your humanoid
likeness. Now you are naked.
Find yourself some pajamas somewhere.
And then go to the door and
deliver yourself to the person...
...who is coming to take you.
Go!
Treasure...
Achille! You're naked!
Stop yourself pod creature!
- I'm not...
Pod creature, you are under our control.
I forbid you from going inside there.
No... no...
Hells bells!
Alpha 1 calling for help!
We've lost control of the pod creature!
Cover yourself!
Put something on!
Go away! Disgusting!
I don't want to see you anymore!
Have you gone mad?
Do you think you're witty?
Witty...
My wedding night!
Stop it or I'm calling papa!
Papa... witty...
Good evening.
- Good evening.
I'm sorry who are you?
I'm the next door neighbor.
Since we live next to each other,
I came to get to know you a little.
Thank you. Can't we get to know
each other in 7 or 8 days?
You know, I was married today.
I'm a newly married man.
At least for tonight, I should
get to know my wife.
I didn't want to disturb you. I only
came to respect tradition.
Which tradition?
- The kiss to the married man.
You are very kind, but we better not.
There's no chance. My wife's in there!
Go... -No, we need to respect the
tradition. -Yes, look...
...I can't respect too many traditions
in one night. Please, don't do this.
My wife could hear!
Please... I couldn't sleep
without the traditional kiss...
Oh, it works like a sleeping pill, you say.
Oh!
Alarm! Alpha 1 annelids sound the alarm.
Plan failed.
The terrestrial animal was captured
and the pod creature is out of order.
The animal is inside there. You'll take him
out, put on his pajamas...
...and substitute yourself for him.
Really! Pod creature, cut it out!
Think only about opening the trunk and
switching yourself for the duplicate.
He's naked!
- Oh!
Do you think you're in an
earthly paradise? -Yeah.
What?
Buh... Buh... Buh... Beat it. Idiot.
Ah! You want to end up in prison?!
- Not only indecent exposure...
...also insulting an officer.
- You're coming with us, my handsome.
Forward handsome!
- My handsome.
What are you doing? What are you
looking at? Give me a hand!
He doesn't seem like a normal man.
- Does he seem like a woman? -No, no.
Not a woman.
- In that case... He's a foreigner.
Exactly! He's a foreigner. They need to
stop coming here and doing obscene acts.
Come with us!
- Let's go!
Pod creature, stop that! You're the most
moronic creature we've ever created!
Don't use violence! Free yourself from
them and get on the...
...terrestrial animal's pedal machine. We
will guide you to switch yourself...
...for the duplicate.
You pedal , I'll get on the back!
- Stop! Stop!
Yes, you checked the rocket man.
- Yes. His blood is good.
Your information was correct.
- Very correct, I'm a gentleman.
You didn't trust me?
You wanted the proof.
Yes, your information was correct.
We will show you our gratitude.
Obviously. Shall I go to the bank,
or will the bank come to me?
We have a better idea.
More interesting for you.
Miss Countess, I'm sorry, but
you're on a red herring.
I understand that you're a foreigner
and aren't experienced with our idioms.
But for me, there's nothing more
interesting than money.
Nothing! If your excellence gives me the
chance to express myself...
...with big words, I would say 'nada'.
The exact word is nada.
Yes, nada. You will be admired
by our cause and we thank you...
...up to now for the spontaneous
collaboration that you decided...
...to offer us for the imminent
space experiment.
What do you mean 'space'?
What do you mean 'collaboration'?
I don't collaborate with anyone.
I pointed out the rocket man to you.
Now you pay me and that's final.
Can I go to the bank?
- The bank's in hibernation.
I don't know this bank.
- You don't know it?
You'll see that you'll stay happy.
It's a special cell for rapid freezing.
I understand, my friend had one,
for ice cream cones. Yes.
Yes. Cones and men 'vrozen'.
- Cones and men...?
The temperature of the human body
is 98.6 degrees, wouldn't you say?
I would say so.
The temperature in the hibernation
cell will become 13 degrees below zero.
It's this comfortable? 13 below zero?
- Below zero.
Little by little the biological and
vegetative... -Bio...? -...logical...
...and, ve...? -Vegetative of the individual
will slow down. They will stop.
They will almost 'vreeze'. -Fre...?
-'Vreeze'. -Freeze. And the biological...
...and vegetative conditions.
- So the individual can face variations...
...of temperature, of atmosphere, and
speed that can be checked in the satellite.
Very interesting. Satellite?
Hello?! What satellite?
The one that we will put you in
with your son-in-law!
With who? Are you joking?
My vegetative system would suffer!
Take him, go!
- No! Miss Contessa, do something!
No, not in the satellite! Help!
This is a kidnapping! I'll
report it to the police! Lawsuit!
Help! Help!
Ba-ad ma... Bad man.
I understood. Silence! Interplanetary
Alpha 1 annelid calling the...
...space control station. The humanoids
intend to launch another...
...humanoid into space. Another
germination pod is needed.
Another germination pod.
Let's go.
What are you doing? Let me go!
- In there!
What are you saying? I don't understand!
- Hibernation.
In there! In there now!
And close the door!
I don't want to die 'vrozen'!
People!
Damn!
How cold. It's cold in here!
Luckily I have this handkerchief, otherwise
I would have caught pneumonia.
My god, what misfortune.
My god, what misfortune.
Leave it to me!
My god. My god.
Who is this wretch?
- Dad! -It's you.
How did you end up in the
hibernation room too?
...I found myself... nearby. How cold!
...And I said... I, I, I want to go find
my son-in-law.
Thank you. But how did you know that
I was here in the refrigerator?
Buh... buh...buh...because I guessed.
And I have a good sense of smell.
I smelled and...
...I noticed a bad odor and I came
because it was you. How cold.
Why are you asking all these questions?
If you did the launch with the Americans,
without any trouble...
...I wouldn't be here now. And I
wouldn't be going in a satellite!
You have to go in the satellite too, Dad?
I won't allow it, I won't.
Let me go, how gross.
Damn! You attacked me with a cold.
You sneezed in my face!
Don't do that. All the bacteria...
bacteria...
Bacteria.
- Look at the bacteria?
Waah!
Remember that you're also a
pod creature...
...and you will act only on my command.
Pod creatures, forward. Enter the house.
Head for the warehouse to
put on the hibernation costumes.
Forward, Go!
The handkerchief is frozen!
It's the end of us!
No! I don't want it to be the end of
the handkerchief! -Neither do I!
Let's leave!
Hey! You powerful unscrupulous
foreigners!
If I'm reincarnated, I'd like to...
...come back as a bottle full of beer.
Why? -Because then I would be
filled to the neck with beer!
The two prisoners!
- They've escaped! Let's go get them!
Quickly! Quickly!
Where did they go?
Pod creatures, open the door
and let the prisoners go.
There they are! -Let's get them!
- Go!
The door! Close the door! They leave
the door open in this cold!
Craziness!
- Close the door! -The door!
The door. -The door.
- The door's open! -The door's open!
Go! -The door's open!
Damn! we were dying in there!
You go...
There they are!
- No, there they are!
Oh my goodness!
I'm seeing double!
- The beer is playing a joke.
Let's get them!
We did it!
Dad... -What did you say? -Dad, I...
- How many times do I have to say...
...I don't want to be called that.
I'm Sir Pasquale, call me 'Sir'!
- OK, 'Sir', I'm going to look around...
...this corner to see if there's anyone.
- Go spy.
There they are! Let's get them!
Quickly, the exit must be somewhere
over here.
Quickly! Sir! Quickly!
Attention! Attention!
12 seconds to the departure...
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1
Lift-off!
This is a great moment for science.
For the first time two men will send us
the news from space.
Yes. The hibernation effect will end
at 50,000 km. It will be interesting...
...to see the reaction of the man
without glumonium in his blood.
I'm sure he won't be able to take it.
He's probably already dead.
Yes, probably, this is good, yes.
I'm in the satellite! Help!
Help! I want to get out!
Conductor, rocket men,
I want to get off at the next stop!
I don't understand you! Speak clearly!
You're getting worse you're
going senile. You're going senile.
I want to get off! I can't do
it anymore!
Terrestrial animals.
Who is it?
Terrestrial animals, don't worry.
- Perish the thought!
I'm very worried! I'm with a stupid,
senile nutcase!
And who gave you permission
to call me an animal?! Come out!
We are speaking from an interplanetary
station.
Which station?
The thing with you in the satellite
is not your son-in-law.
No?
- It's a pod creature.
A what? -A pod creature.
A duplicate of your son-in-law.
Oh. That's just great. It wasn't enough to
have one idiot in the family...
...there's also a duplicate.
Unfortunately, that's true.
No, I'll get off. I'll launch myself!
I'm not afraid, I'll launch myself!
No!
No, dangerous...
Oh yeah? I'm free.
Help, what's this?
You've successfully gone out of
the attraction of earth's orbit.
There's no longer the force of gravity.
Put back the force of 'gravation'
We are in the hyperstratusphere.
It's a miracle that you are still alive.
Oh yes? You ugly coward of a
jinxed pod creature!
Know that your humanoid companion
will live for another 100 years!
In your face and to all the
whatchamacallit-creatures like you.
You... mo...moron.
It's the anti-terrestrial space station here.
What we have to tell you is serious.
Very serious. The earth can never
know that a humanoid has survived.
Change the course of the missile
by 90 degrees, leave orbit immediately.
Follow our remote controls.
Yes! Do you know how to drive
this freight elevator?!
Hey!
The experiment has failed!
Failed!
We will never reveal this launch
to the world.
The satellite fell out of orbit
and escaped from our control!
And there are two men inside.
- We don't know anything about them.
A man in space is still
an unreachable dream!
Nobody alive will ever set foot
on Venus, on Mars, on the Moon!
Beautiful! Beautiful!
Where did you take me?
- To the moon.
The moon?
- Yes. At my age, to end up on the moon!
I always go to the island of Capri
this time of year. Doggone it!
...Antenna...
- What did you do?
-...Antenna...
Why are you 'antenna-ing' me from behind?
...Lovely...
- Get a grip.
Clouds! It's all cloudy!
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe!
I can't...who's there?
I can't breathe!
- Who...no...no...
I can't breathe!
...Ah... but I can breathe here!
Oh! So all they write are
fibs in science fiction books.
Holy mackerel!
Humanoid, don't be frightened.
I'm a friend. An annelid.
An interplanetary inhabitant.
I'm in charge of this area. Come forward.
I'll come forward... Does it bite?
- Huh? -Bite? -Huh?
I mean... 'buh-yte'. -No.
- It doesn't bite? It licks...so it's nice!
Mr. Annelid, please remove your mask
so we can speak man to annelid.
Excuse me, Mr. Annelid, I don't want to
be demanding, but I'd like to go home.
Forgive me, but is there a
return flight rocket?
I'm sorry, but I can't give you
a vehicle to return.
Maybe an emergency vehicle? I'll
arrange it, I'll hitchhike... you know?
Impossible, you will stay here forever.
With him. -With him?! No! It's not
possible, I have to go back home!
I have a house, a family! They must
be very worried about me by now!
No, don't worry.
Nobody realizes anything.
How?!
Your pod creature has already
substituted you quite well.
I have a duplicate?!
I've been switched?!
I was substituted by a pod creature?
Mr. Annelid, are you joking?
I'm sure that everything's in place.
And look, you can see them through
our astral-telepathic contacter.
Wow!
Look how happy your family is.
But just a minute, I don't understand.
- Your son-in-law's book was a success.
All the debts were paid.
- Who are those children?
You don't recognize them?
They're your grandchildren.
My grandchildren?! Sorry, but
we only left the earth half an hour ago.
Your space journey lasted half an hour,
but on earth, 10 years have passed.
Because you broke the
space-time continuum.
That doesn't seem like me.
- Nevertheless, it's your duplicate.
But I've never been such a fool!
Look at that!
Who's that dame?
- It's your new maid.
But... -See how your duplicate
takes an interest in her.
Oops... I was wrong, he does resemble
me after all. Just like me!
So much like me...
Did you see? Everything is in
order at your house.
You can rest easy here on the moon.
What?! You must be joking!
I have to stay here when there's such
a fetching maid at my house!
You must be joking.
Mr. Annelid, there are just some
things you can't understand. I'm a man.
You see, I have a man's body.
Therefore, I need a female body...no?
But you have the pod creature here.
- The pod creature?!
Look how cute he is...
Don't you like him?
What are you saying?!
- What don't you like about him?
The face? -The face?! No, the body!
I have a man's body and to survive,
I need a woman's body.
Did I spell it out for you?
I think I understand.
I will try to perform a 'tele-cellular
sex transformation' on the pod creature.
Eww...It still has the head of
that blasted creature!
Alright! You really are a
very demanding humanoid!
Look. Does this work for you?
Hey, hey! That works!
Thank you, Mr. Annelid. Thanks.
How much?...I'll pay later,
My signature is on the check.
Holy mackerel! Oh!
With a pod creature like this...
I'd spend the rest of my life on Mars,
on Saturn, and also on Mercury! Yes!
Ah, my beautiful pod creature, you are
a beautiful creature, but...
...to be a little fussy,
you're really a nice piece of tail.
You don't know how to do 'you know
what' because you've just been born.
Trust me. Something today,
something tomorrow...
...and something will come of it
in the end. Yeah!
...What a beautiful thing...
a beautiful creature in the evening...
The End
Producer
"It really began at the American
launch site of Cape Canaveral...
...in the Grey light of dawn of...
the day after tomorrow... "
Interplanetary Alpha 1 annelid calling the
anti-terrestrial space control station.
A location has been identified where
the terrestrial animals pose a threat...
...by launching toys into space.
Anti-terrestrial space control station
received.
Don't hesitate. Space invasion on
the side of the terrestrial animals...
...is very dangerous for us.
Continue mission.
Received.
Alpha 1 will continue.
Help!
Jeez!
They fired an atomic bomb!
A Hydrogen bomb!
The cold war has heated up!
They started it over the city!
Help!
Help!
What is it? What has happened?
Inform me! Fill me in!
I believe it was a rocket, Sir.
It exploded right over us!
A rocket?!
Oh wow!
Does this seem like a good time
of day for rockets?!
What asshole lets them shoot off
rockets near our houses at this hour!
It's one of those rockets that
they talk about in the newspaper.
Yes-
The ones for the moon!
For the moon! How nice!
It's for the moon! It's true!
Oh yes! It's good? It's about time...
...to publicly express my opinion!
I don't care about satellites, space,
or the moon!
I don't give a
damn about it! Understand?!
Enough now papa. We understood.
It's late, let me sleep!
And at this night owl-hour,
I want to sleep!
It's bad for you, sir!
From my window,
I saw a magnificent...
...explosion with my
interplanetary telescope!
It was fantastic!
Do you know that they also
make a mushroom?
Ah, Yes?
It also made a mushroom?
I don't care
about the mushroom either!
The rockets! Space! The 'mee-ssiles'!
And the other thingies on
the face of earth!
I want to sleep!
Got it?
Good heavens!
Come on papa! I beg you, Stop it!
Plus you don't say...
...'mee-ssiles', you say 'mih-ssiles', with
the accent on the first 'i'!
How many times do I have to tell you?
I'll put the accent wherever I like!
I make the rules in my own house!
Not the opposite!
And I'll put the accent where I want.
Even on the bedside table if I'd like.
Do I know how to write it...
How about that!
'Mee-ssile',
what an unpleasant word...
...'mee...(hic)...ssile'. In America, they
demolished the...(hic) 'mee-ssile'...
You know all these 'astronautical' things
because that moron who's up there...
...has taught you with his
inter-whatever, interplanetary telescope...
'Mee..(hic)...ssile'.
...Sputnik, rockets, satellites,
make me so happy! A good old time!
They would do it to me!
Oh... I would like to think!
Why? To conquer space? And I say what
can they do with space?
What can they do with it?
What is space? It's nothing!
It's air! Conquer air?! If you want
to conquer air, open the window!
Interplanetary Alpha 1 annelid calling
the anti-terrestrial space control station.
Mission complete.
Good! The little terrestrial animals...
...will never be able to arrive in space...
...and infect it with their wickedness.
Their space dreams will stay
in the pages of comic books...
"The devil-men land with their flying disc.
Mercury's air was filled with lead...
...heavy and unbreathable. The guide
from Mercury first opens one eye...
...then a second, then a third, then a
fourth. " -Come on! They're crazy!
Everybody knows that the inhabitants
of Mercury don't have four eyes!
They have 16 of them!
Look where you're going, nutjob!
Barbarian!
What?! "The hawk-men that exit from
the caves on the planet Sirius... "
They've gone mad! They say it like
we're infants!
The hawk-men don't come from Sirius!
They're from the planet Mongo!
They've all gone mad!
Who wrote this rubbish? "George Brown?"
Nice one George Brown!
They probably even pay you in dollars
to write this stupid stuff! In dollars!
Ah, when will my moment arrive?
Dear god, come on!
"Soubrette. Weekly Magazine.
Management. Administration. Printery.
Warehouse. Head Office. Address of the
owner and family. Fourth floor. "
Listen to this stuff!
The hawk-men on Sirius!
Accountant, you ever heard of the
hawk-men on Sirius? -No, not me.
Then they complain because science
fiction is falling into decay. Come on!
Come off it! Science fiction,
Hawk-men, Sirius!
The boss is furious.
He's over there with the
Commander and the cover girl.
Is it everything?
- Yes, fifty percent of it.
What? -Here it is: half a bra, half a
garter belt, one stocking, and a shoe.
The supplier said he'd send half today
and the rest when we have the money.
And the top hat? -He said for the price,
we get a boa instead of a hat.
This 'Bo-yah'
- Boa, you must be joking!
For this we've done over three thousand
covers! Give me your cap!
We'll be photographing these
poor girls nude! Nude!
Accountant, have you prepared the
reports for the last circulation?
Miss, I'm still waiting for the data from the
distributors. -OK, but call them, otherwise
Papa will hear about this.
Show me.
No, this is not OK. Also, you're missing
the figures from the last circulation.
No, look, it's better if you call and
have them give you the exact numbers. OK?
Oh! Achille! Something new everyday!
You're a terrible house-mistress.
You have no sense of hospitality,
excuse me.
You can't welcome martians into
the house like that!
Do you know what the smokers
do when the earthlings arrive?
What?
- They strike up a lightning. Thanks!
Just allow me five minutes!
- Come on Achille!
What did you take today? Up!
We'll see each other in the afternoon!
OK!
- Also, papa's in the other room.
He's waiting for the captions
to the photos for this edition.
Ah! this stupid paper! Instead, I had a
magnificent idea...
...on how to finish my novel.
Really? -Of course!
- You managed to resolve it?
Yes! Here's the last chapter...
can you write please?
Yes. -You take it down
and I'll dictate. -Yes, just a second.
You Ready? -Ready.
"Jackson, Wimbledon, and Major Buckingham...
...dressed in insulating spacesuits...
...cautiously open the doors
of the spaceship."
And voilà! There it is!
Magnificent!
Not bad! Your little friend
will be our paper's most excellent cover!
And all this for how much? Only 50,000 lire!
'Imperial' Commander.
Half a shoe?! -Yes. -Half a stocking?!
- That's right. -Half a bra?! -You got it!
Why don't we do a nice thing?
How about half price, 25,000 lire?
Don't offend me! Our magazine has a
large audience!
What do all the adolescents
in Italy read? Soubrette!
Do you know how many adolescents
there are in Italy?
Look me in the face! Do you know
how many? Two million!
Calm down! -OK, sorry, you had your
face near me.
Two million! And soldiers!
And where are the soldiers put?
- In the barracks.
Barracks? That doesn't make sense.
I meant how many Italian soldiers are there?
How many soldiers are there?
- I'm asking you, how many are there?
It's a question you are asking me?
- Obviously! -I don't know!
And then why are you interfering?!
Miss, where do we put the soldiers?
Of course we put them! -Yes?
- What do you think?!
I was elected Miss Tank two years
ago in Forlì! -Heh?
You could also write it underneath.
- Ah, you can also write it underneath?
You're from Bologna?
- I had a wet nurse from Bologna.
Come, come. We can do something
because it's for the Army...
We'll do 40,000 lire, a kiss on top,
and we won't talk about it again!
Sorry, didn't mean to scratch you.
-30,000 lire. Paid after the publication...
...and we won't talk about it again!
And a kiss on top? -No!
OK, I'll put it on there myself, never mind!
Well, miss?
Smile! Tanks out! No, the right one.
Kindly make it level with the left one.
Level! Is it level? -Level.
- I don't know, it's a question... level?
Yes! -Yes.
- Think of the troops!
Moisten your lips, like this!
Ready? One, two, three!
Done.
Miss, please, some biographic information
to put under the photograph.
Miss Tank, we already said that? -Yes
Name?
Cancellotti, Teodolina. Born in,
Horsebath.
How do you do that, what do you
do with Horsebath?
Yeah, but the poor girl was born with it.
- Yeah, but these horses that bathe...
...and then it's the name! We can't write
'Cancellotti'.
We have to invent something exotic...
let's do 'Doris Isgrid'.
You like it? 'Doris Isgrid', yes.
Born... where do we say she's born?
In Basel -No, these actresses are all
from Sweden. They're all Swedish
Stockholm, the capital.
Presently in Italy to shoot a
feature length film.
Calm down! -Ah, yes? Very nice!
Which one?
It's always written this way...
only fibs. -Yes? -Yes.
Tell me, what are your favorite sports?
- Me, what should I say?
I used to gallop in the country,
with my uncle's horses.
You 'galloped'? Commander, she
'galloped'. -How should it be?
In Horsebath with her uncle's horses!
...We weren't born yesterday!
We'll say horseback riding.
"...now on his feet, the Major
turns around...
...and presses the uranium trigger of
his rocket-pistol."
He struggled and said:
- Who?
"The big cockroach is coming our way!"
- No!
"The big cockroach! There it is!"
- I don't see it!
What do you mean you don't see it?
The stinger is coming towards us!
Ah! -Eww, It makes me sick!
It's here between our feet!
No! It's flying -Where? -Up in the sky!
Here it is! It's a big flying cockroach!
There! It's landing!
- Here it's landing! I got it!
Here it is!
- Papa stop! It's only a cat!
It's true -It's not possible,
mercury gas doesn't exist here!
No, the only thing here is dirt.
I pay you to clean and you let...
...cockroaches grow to the size of
submarines!
No Papa, what are you saying?
It's a pussy-cat! My poor pussy-cat,
where did he go?
Oh, poor pussy-cat
what did they do to you?
A pussy-cat! -Pussy-cat! And we
thought it might have been... -ha ha ha
...No, I'm saying we thought it was
-ha ha ha -No, one of those...
What horrible laughter! Why would
you say it's a big cockroach?
Right, I'll explain.
Let's go, speak! And hurry up!
- Yes, agreed.
Do it now! -Sir, I... -Do you want to talk
or not? -Sir... -Wrap it up! It's three...
...hours, speak! Speak! -No, papa,
he was dictating his novel to me.
What? -Yes, Achille's a genius.
- Who, him? -He writes, and intends...
...for you to be the editor. Come on
Achille, explain it to him.
- Achille, Come on.
Come on Achille. Explain it to me.
Sir, I've modestly written a small book.
It's not a comedy novel, sir. It's a
science fiction novel. Here, This would be...
...the cover, take a look. -Nice!
- The pretext is that it's a vile octopus.
Get it? -A vile octopus. -It's not funny
This octopus is really dangerous...
The title of the book, which is serious,
not comical, is 'The Rocket in Horace'
No! 'The Rocket from Space'
-'The Rocket in Horace'!
It's a science fiction novel,
therefore 'The Rocket in Space'
Sir, please don't laugh. I dedicated
all of my free time to this novel.
Please go away! Throw it away!
Ignoramus!
My poor vile octopus.
I know how all these octopi got
into your head. I found it in your locker.
Here it is. Who is this baby?
It's you!
Yes, It's me. I don't feel ashamed
about how I was raised.
Yes, my father was a zoo
caretaker when I was born, OK?
It's all clear! Now I understand.
Your mother went to the reptile unit...
...during her pregnancy.
That's why you dabble in monsters.
Sir, I beg you not to offend my
mother's memory. I write science fiction...
...shut up... In science fiction, the
monsters, the martians, create a thrill...
...an atmosphere. This doesn't talk about,
scandals, love intrigue, or...
...scantily clad women. This
doesn't talk about that nonsense.
According to your point of view
These are a kind of nonsense?
These here are only nonsense?
This life, oxygen...
...this is bread, work. Young man
you are not up for this.
Know this, the public doesn't want to
see monsters, swarms, spiders...
...and the like. No!
The public wants to see beautiful women,
the more beautiful the better!
Excuse me dear, I'm talking about
work, don't listen. You remember that...
In this paper you don't do science
fiction. You must be a working man.
A messenger. A cleaning man.
The enslaved get paid what
they deserve. Idiot!
Remember, if you find yourself talking
to this martian fool... -But papa!
Be quiet! Rather than copying these notes
for the cover. It's important.
It's about that friend of
Commander Santoni. Got it!
What? OK.
There! You can't manage to do anything.
You'll always remain what you are.
You don't love me anymore.
Lydia, What are
you saying? I don't love you anymore?!
You have to trust me you'll see
that I'll publish my novel one day!
Yeah, when? -When, when... of course
you must be patient. Here in Italy...
...things go how they go. Maybe in
America they would have already launched it.
But what America? Someone like you
will never do anything...
...in any part of the world.
- What are you saying, Lydia, I beg you!
All the big writers in America started like
me, with nothing! You'll see, I'll do it too!
Want to bet?
Dear Mister Pasquale, the
third-rate printing director.
With this cover, and with the first
installment of my novel...
...you'll see how big the circulation is!
But where do you find a head like mine?
Ah! Ouch. It hurts. Doctor, it's not
a serious wound is it?
No it's not serious. -No, because I'll
report your father for assault.
Calm down dear.
- Bad! -Stay still, nothing's broken.
It's just a little blood -And also a job.
When Commander Santoni saw
the octopus instead of his friend...
...he sued Papa for the damages.
Achille, It's not a good combination.
It's not my fault if he prefers women to
octopi. An idea like this, struck...
...America, and instead, your father
struck me. And to think I've already...
...prepared the wedding invitations.
- You're going to be married?
Yes.
- Then, congratulations and goodbye.
Thank you, but I think it will be rather difficult.
- Poor me! -Let's go dear.
Good day doctor.
- Goodbye.
Crespi, these cotton balls were
soiled with blood!
Soiled with blood how? They're white!
- Now! Before they were soiled...
...that patient that left now. I saw it
decolorize here with my own eyes.
You're not a little crazy? Are you sure?
- Very sure!
We'll take it to Professor Cardoni
immediately.
Incredible!
This blood contains glumonium.
Glumonium! Impossible.
- Glumonium is only found in monkey's blood!
Yes, but there's no doubt!
This man's blood contains glumonium!
The exam is clear! -But then he's a
monster! His parents must have
mixed with monkeys!
There's no need to assume anything.
But, how absurd, it's enough to be
brought up in contact with monkey's milk.
Absurdity! However, what's interesting
for now is the results.
Do you have his name? -Of course, we
keep a record of all the out patient
names at the check-in desk.
Bring it to me immediately.
And don't tell anyone. Especially
not him. This is a very important thing...
...that no one can know. You can go.
- Good day. -Good day gentlemen.
Hello? I'm speaking with the
American embassy?
I would like to speak to Mr. Lloyd.
At the Pentagon a few hours later.
Excuse me, sir, 8,000 lire in severance
pay after five years of work?!
That's an abuse!
How could you say that?
'How could you say that?'
The cheater says 'How could you say that?'
Five years of work!
More like five years of idleness!
Five? Heh! He must be right, the number
isn't right.
That's what I was saying. -Also,
I'm the only one who says 'I was saying'!
Is it clear? Here is the list of all the
damages you have caused at our paper.
What damages? -What damages?!
How insolent! Well here they are...
...two chairs, an umbrella, a Chinese vase,
24 inkpots, two pens...
...one blotting paper, and some erasers.
What do you mean?
All that stuff is my fault?
Yes! You understand!
You broke them with your head!
If your head was softer,
this stuff wouldn't have been broken!
Is it clear? If I get angry the blood
goes to my head -Sir, calm down.
Therefore... -Therefore the total is 8,000.
-8,000 -Give -Him? -Him. -To him? -Yeah.
I know, but then there are the
deductions. Did you see the deductions?!
But what deductions?
- I'll tell you which!
Here: the pens, the chairs, the inkpots,
the umbrellas, the Chinese vases...
...taxes, embargoes, payments. The
subsidiaries. And disturbing the peace.
Total...four, five... he owes us
450 lire. Give it!
You are a monster! -It's true, I am
a monster, rather an octopus...
...a vile one. You must be a nice man,
who's well liked by octopi.
OK, let's cut it short, sir.
- Don't offend us!
Before leaving this place where no one
understands me, could I please...
...say a painful goodbye to your daughter?
The only one who understands me here.
Sir, calm down. -I was waiting for this,
look, these young authors of...
...science rubbish. -Science fiction.
- Science rubbish. -Science fiction!
Rubbish! -Fiction! -It doesn't exist!
Open and shut!
They behave like that character
from 'Carolina Licorice'.
'Robiolina Invernizzi' (Soccer hero)
- Licorice or Invernizio, same thing!
Argh.
- It's all the same to me!
Foreseeing the pathetic encounter
between two lovebirds...
...I, the stern father,
sent my daughter to her grandmother.
Fine, I'll go, I'll go.
First, there's something to say to you...
...old-fashioned, medieval.
- Me? You understand? He called me...
...'mid-oval'.
- This is too much! -Definitely medieval!
Because you ignore that civilization
is only progressing to arrive in space!
Space? Just wait for what arrives
for you from space, this!
This stuff arrives from space!
- Sir! There all spacial things.
Don't keep me! Go away!
700 lire.
(German accent) Herr Professor,
there is no doubt. It's them.
Good. An indication of their departure
from Washington D.C. is correct.
Connor and Campbell from the
American Space Department...
...on a mission in Rome.
What are they looking for? What do
you think, Tatiana?
I don't know anything about
interplanetary science like you professor.
But, if our government is interested
in something, it means it's interesting.
Good. I'm curious. I'm not displeased
to have interrupted my cosmic research...
...in the mountains. To follow this trail.
OK,Tatiana, this is your work, follow...
...those two inside there. I think
there must be an important space secret.
"Dear Lydia, I love you. But I can't let
you marry a man who's worth...
...less than 450 lire, tax included. One day
a miracle will come. The door will open...
...slowly, like a marvelous dream."
Two rich men will enter and say to me:
- Hello, are you Mr. Achille Paoloni?
"Hello, are you Mr. Achille Paoloni?"
"Oh, yes" there I wrote it. And after that?
Oh! Excuse me!
Americans!
Please, make yourselves at home.
Take a seat.
FBI Center, Radio City Center.
Yes, they're from TV.
They heard people talking about me.
They're here for a contract. It's
not possible. English!
Dear god! I don't know how to speak
English. Help me God...
...I hope I can speak English!
Is there nobody here?
- What? Nobody? I'm here, the owner!
Foreigner? -Uh huh. -And you
came to do yourself a cover? -Uh huh.
Welcome. On this side. I'll do the
street side.
After you.
Miss, I'll do the cover right away.
You're interesting and strange.
I want to know you. -Me?
Know lots of things about you.
- Heavens!
I like you. You're mysterious.
- Yes.
Try to understand that if you
are sincere with me, I can be...
...very useful to you. Tell me
the truth. You don't only do...
...photography.
- No.
Very perceptive! My perceptive lady!
Give me one of your hugs!
Actually, I don't only do photography.
There's something else...
Now I'll let you in on a little secret that
even my administrators don't know.
But, doll, mum's the word.
Watch.
I'm a man of the world.
- No! I wasn't intending that.
Manager!
- One moment!
Come in, but not immediately!
Mr. Manager, Mr. Manager!
Did I tell you? What are they doing?
Don't you see what I'm doing, I'm
shooting photos and when I'm
shooting photos, don't disturb me!
I know! But this is a strange thing.
Two Americans came to talk to Achille.
- Two Americans?
Do you understand?
Lunch! You're hungry?
Very good! There's a nice restaurant...
...then I'll understand you better...
- Sir, Sir, Sir... In Italian...
Rocket!
Rocket.
Did you say rocket?
- Yes -In space? -In space!
In space! This! -Yes!
- Like this, rocket in space!
You want to launch me with my book
'The Rocket in Space', with this here?!
- Launch you. Rocket in space.
You'll launch my book
'The Rocket in Space'?!
Where do you want to launch it?
'Where launch'?
What? -Oh wow! -What?
- Oh wow! -Still? -Yeah!
A plot. -What? -A plot.
They're plotting in there.
It's an epic plot. They're 'plotwrights'.
100,000 dollars! 100,000 dollars?!
100,000 dollars.
This deposit. After, the balance.
- More after?
100,000 dollars! 100,000 dollars...
- Sir, sir.
What's going on?
Work questions.
- Important enough to faint?
I would like to see you in his place.
The Americans offered 100,000 dollars...
...to that idiot there!
- For what reason? -For a novel.
For this thing here. 'The Rocket in Space'.
Crazy!
I want to get a glass of water.
Stay with him.
Marvelous man.
- You phenomenal man.
Just think that there's someone who says
I don't know how to do anything!
That I'm an idiot, understand?! Thanks.
He knows that I would be an idiot!
I'll show you that I'm no idiot!
I'll prove that I can do many things!
That I know how to do a lot!
That I will go to high places! Very high!
Very high? But top secret!
Silence is much better,
we'll surprise everybody!
You come with us in America.
Immediately.
Immediately?! No, It's not possible,
I have a girl that I must marry.
My leettle girl for marry-ed.
Yes, not a damn thing will happen to me.
He's still out? Sir!
He told me! Sir?
Yes, he has no signs of life.
Maybe he's dead.
Sir!
Where am I? -Here, sir.
- Where am I?
Who are you? I don't recognize you.
I don't recognize you. No, no, I
recognize you.
The voluptuous foreigner.
Idiot! 100,000 dollars!
The Americans!
The Americans! Where are they?
Where is that imbecile Achille?
Let's go in the office.
The Americans. Achille. Where.
We need to search. Search! Search!
What are you looking for? Where are
you looking? -I don't know.
What are you looking for? We need to
look for Achille and The Americans.
Come here. Come here!
I know where to find them.
I have to print his book first!
Yes, 'The Pocket in Space'
-'The Pocket... 'Rocket in Space'.
I'll show him it's already done!
- Good.
The Americans are too late!
Those American editors make
me laugh!
I'll walk off with the dollars!
They'll settle with me!
Now I'll have the ace up my sleeve!
The Americans think they're clever!
But they can't do that with us.
I understood immediately that the novel
you photographed contained...
...a secret formula for spaceship fuel.
Now read a little of that.
"Major Buckingham decides it's necessary
to make a new liquid propellant...
...to launch a rocket on earth."
- Yes.
"He took a kilo of gunpowder
from the rocket."
A kilo of gunpowder? -Yes.
"200 grams of nitroglycerine."
200 grams of nitroglycerine?
- Yes.
"And a pinch of cellulose nitrate."
A pinch of cellulose nitrate?
- Yes.
"Then add tannic acid."
Tannic acid. Put the tannic acid.
Put it. Yes.
Enough!
"And 3º/º refined aniline."
Refined aniline, 3º/º.
Three percent! One, two, three, enough!
"To substitute the combustible alcohol,
he had an idea."
He goes into the rocket and returns
with Scotch whiskey.
Scotch whiskey! We forgot this!
This!
"With extreme caution, he pours it
on top of the other substances...
...in the insulated container."
A little more. There, like that.
This is good.
Then?
-"And then blow".
Blow? -Mm-hmm.
Herr Professor!
Herr Professor! Herr Professor!
Maybe that whiskey wasn't
Scottish.
Hello baby! Hello baby!
Do you want to get in my car,
grand car Spider. Yes? Baby, baby? Yes...
Excuse me, there's a man who's
bothering me. -Yes.
Hey, young man, harassing women
is prohibited!
That beauty is my fiancé!
Your fiancé? Hey! Young man!
Who's leg do you think you're pulling?!
Lydia? Lydia! Why didn't you
recognize me? It's me, Achille!
Achille! It's really you!
Oh! How nice!
What do you say, huh?
Young man, do you want to stop that?
How many times do I have to repeat
that this girl is my fiancé?
Are you still persisting?
Let it be, he's really my fiancé.
- How come you didn't know before?
I didn't recognize him.
With regard to this, how did you do it?
where did you get these clothes, the car?
Don't worry, I'll explain it to you later.
No, you must explain immediately.
The situation is not clear...
...where did you get the car?
I bought this car half an hour ago, with
my money. OK?
But how, if you've never had
even one lire?
Young man, enough chatting,
let's hear the truth.
The truth is, the car
is mine because I'm a millionaire.
A millionaire?
- Certainly. I bought this car with dollars.
Yes? -Do you know what dollars are?
Have you ever seen dollars?
Do you want to see a
handful of dollars? Here it is, see it?
Look, observe, smell!
Achille, what did you do?
Be calm dear, be calm. This is only a
small deposit in dollars.
The rest will come later. The Americans
bought my novel, 'The Rocket in Space'.
But no! -But, of course! And if all goes
well, they'll also buy...
...'The Mysterious Cockroach'!
Oh, Achille!
What will they buy?
-'The Mysterious Cockroach'.
In short, would you like
to mind your own business, yes or no?
And would you like to prove to me
that you made money selling...
...cockroaches to The Americans?
I'm not an idiot!
No? Well then, here.
This is my novel, 'The Rocket in Space'.
and my autograph too. Now you...
...know who I am and how I became
a millionaire.
How nice!
- Please!
Achille! -And now we're going
to your Papa to have a word.
This rubbish makes money?!
Thieves are more honest!
Listen, doesn't this illustration seem a
little too nauseating for a book?
You told me cockroach,
I did a cockroach, not pretty girls.
Yes, I know, but, you know, it could be a
little more gentle. It would make sense.
An individual that has to find a
big cockroach endearing...
...it needs to be cockroach-like,
and also have something attractive.
Sir, you must sign these bills.
Yes. Oh, and tomorrow, the new rotary
press must be ready to use.
And, there are these as well.
- Yes, sir, and if you remember...
The 500,000 kilos of paper we ordered
should arrive so we can print. Let's go.
Manager! The paper's distributor
called he said that the cover...
...with the octopus didn't even sell
three thousand copies!
Who gives a damn!
I'll close the paper!
Suspend publication!
Our troubles are almost over!
We are hooked up to America!
With the big cockroach, we are
entering into the orbit of the dollar!
Let's hope.
- What do you mean, let's hope?
But, sorry, what are you worried about?
These four little bills?
Don't you know that there's no need
for me to sign them...
...my word of honor is enough!
You do the accounts!
I'm printing a book to be launched...
...in America! That's to be launched
in America! 48 states! 48 I tell you!
Only for the rights, I'll earn thousands!
No... millions!
Without taking into account
the copies sold in Italy.
Yes, OK, you never know, it might have
been better to have signed the bills.
Excuse me, I would like...
- Listen, do this for me, bring me...
...the other cockroaches, then
we'll do it all in one bill.
Good day. -Good day. -Good day.
Goodbye and good day.
What's this?
This is the bill from the
the tobacconist who sold us the bills.
Commander Santoni called,
he will be coming at 10.
He said we must pay the compensation
to Miss Tank, or he'll sue us.
And do you know what I'll say
to you again:
Who gives a damn!
About the Commander, about Miss Tank,
and about lawsuits!
It's 10 o'clock. He's late. Look how
I'll welcome Commander Santoni!
I'm sorry to leave you for a
moment, treasure.
I must have a word with your
dear parent.
Good day Miss.
- Good day.
OK dear. But be nice.
And be quick.
I go, I speak, I come back.
Now I'll knock. He'll respond with that
longshoreman's voice of his:
'Who is it? Come in, come in!'
I won't respond, I'll knock again.
He's sitting, he gets up, with a...
...few steps he comes to open the door.
He laughs at me and lies in wait saying:
'Here's the scientist, here's the scientist...
...who does science fantasy.
And the same scientist who did...
...the big cockroach. You have to
tell me something?! Tell me! Tell me!'
I will say simply this: 'stick out your
little tongue, put it between your lips...
...and blow and make one of
those ungainly noises...
...usually made by rude people with firm
and decisive characters, like you.
This must be Commander Santoni.
Now I'll set things straight!
Oh no! You wanted to tell me,
you wanted to tell me something.
My Achille! My Achille! I'll never
forgive myself for what I did!
My dear! Come in, darling.
Come, excuse me.
Excuse me, you know, I thought you
were that half-wit Commander.
You know, that pot-bellied man?
I never would have blown
a raspberry at you!
Sit! Sit at my desk! I'm happy!
Very happy! That there's a great man...
...like you at my place. With an intellect
like yours. Sit!
Thanks a lot, Sir!
- You're welcome.
But, up until now, you were acting
like a fool.
I was a fool to call you a fool.
- Now you see...
The point I'm making, look at the
cockroaches, spiders, bugs, mice...
...and various beasts.
That's offensive, I'm going.
- Where are you going?
These are the illustrations from your
book, 'The Rocket in Space'.
I've already given them to the printers!
- Really?! -Yes. -Really?! -Yes.
Thank you sir! -You're welcome!
- I'm sorry but you're too late.
Why? What time is it?
- No, I mean too late. Unfortunately...
...The Americans have made me another
proposal. In fact I'm waiting for a call
from the lawyer for a contract.
Because you're crazy? You're crazy!
Don't you know you're already...
...under contract with me?
You're my associate.
I associated you.
Mr. Associate, do you want a granita
or something else?
Oh Papa! You're really a treasure!
Ah yes, yes! We'll settle up
with The Americans immediately.
They can have the American market,
and we will do the rest of the world. OK?
Oh, you know, I read the book?
It's marvelous.
I read it from the first to the last page.
And you liked it?
- Yes, I'm an enthusiast. The ending...!
In the end, the cockroach
with whiskers...
...was like a man in an evening gown.
There it is! How nice!
Yes, but this wasn't what I
wanted to say. Lydia and I...
You want to marry her.
I know.
Young man, if I was you...
What else can I say? I don't know!
What else can I say? I don't know!
Go grow and multiply yourselves!
OK, we must multiply ourselves very soon
because the American managers are...
...waiting for me in America.
- Just think how nice papa...
...the honeymoon in America,
at Niagara Falls!
My girl, be careful not to fall into the
waterfall.
There once was a man who broke 3 legs...
No, It was 2 men...
Oh, come on...
It'll be a quick American-style wedding.
OK, Poppy!
OK daughter!
I feel like the father of the Gracchus
here are my jewels.
End of the First Half
Second Half
Oh! Finally we're here.
Iannone...
Dope! It's a top hat!
Look at that.
I prepared this little villa for the
lovebirds.
Ianonne, there's also a pool.
Sir, did you do it? -What?
- The pool.
Me? What are you saying? It was there!
- It was there. -And I found it.
This complex, is a complex worthy
of 'Palm String Beach'.
Palm String Beach. Beach, do you
know it's written in English? Be-ach.
Contract. Wedding present.
- Thank you.
Oh! Pappy!
Please come, welcome. Come.
Come here. Look at this!
Marvelous!
Yes, It's a coffee-table book!
A first rate cover.
Magnificent!
- Read a little: coprey... coprey-tee... copy...
'Copyright'. -Copyright. Copyright, for
the whole world.
Norway, Swederland... Swederland?
Sweden! And America.
Thank you, thank you Daddy dearest!
How gross. -My little publishing house!
He's 'Treccani' ('Three dogs' publisher)
Three dogs?! Now we're exaggerating.
I'm only one dog, big fur.
Now I'll do a contract with both of you.
Contract. With him for dollar! Isn't it?
He knows about the launch? -Here I am.
- Yes! He's my father-in-law! -It's obvious.
You father my wife.
- Right, right, right.
But, please, keep the secret.
- For heaven's sake!
Here are all the papers for your trip.
- Tickets!
You married. You leave.
My honeymoon at Niagara Falls!
- What a dream!
Florida, Niagara! -Yeah, yes.
- No, Cape Canaveral.
Ah! Cape Canaveral! -Yes, 'Cape Cadaver'.
Wow! Now I recognize the name...
...in 'Cape Cadaver' there must be
a good printery.
What printery? -Huh?
- What printery?!
Did you understand? At Cape Cadaver
there are four printeries!
These Americans sure do things big!
The book, the book...
- What book?! -Translation...
What translation?! -Translation!
- Tip, tip, tip, tip...
But we don't... how do you
say it in Italian?
We don't care about the book!
Ah.
No book! We don't give a damn at all!
That reconfirms it.
No, no, they're joking. You joking? Yes.
They're joking, they're American!
The first thing foreigners do when they come
to Italy is learn curse words, like...
...'I don't care', or 'I don't give a damn'.
They're joking. It's a common error!
It is an error! That I made!
I made the error. My fault, my fault!
Because I didn't split your head before!
This book doesn't just make me sick...
...this makes everyone sick, including the
Americans! I'm ruined!
I'm ruined...
Interplanetary Alpha 1 annelid calling the
anti-terrestrial space control station.
Alert! The terrestrial animals found a
humanoid who can be launched into space.
How, how, how, many thousands of dollars?
Thirty million dollars!
If he shoots himself into space!
Yes, if he shoots himself. Shoot yourself!
- No, no. -Contracts, contracts!
Shoot yourself! -No, a word... -Shoot
yourself -But why?... -There's no reason...
We've become crazy! -How dare you!
We've become crazy! -How dare you!
Let's shoot your grandfather into
space. Your grandfather!
Don't be silly! I let you marry my daughter
because you were going to be launched!
Yes! But as a writer!
- As a writer, or as a rocket it's...
...the same thing.
A launch is a launch!
No! If it's a launch, it's a launch!
Let's not joke around!
Don't be afraid, you have good blood!
Did you hear? "No afraid! Good blood!"
You resist! -You resist! -But what
do you mean resist?!
Excuse me, one moment.
You understand that they're giving
you 30 million dollars!
Yes, but I...
- Do it for me! Do it for my daughter!
I'm ruined!
I printed all that stuff!
I'm going to end up in prison with
all of these bills!
Trust them, they already
have rockets up there!
Yes, but there are meteors...
- So?
The cosmic rays? -So? -The monsters?
- So? -The swarms! -So? -Octopi?
Bring yourself an umbrella!
He's going, he's going!
He's going in the rocket.
- No! He's not going! -Go, go!
No, I'm very terrified of octopi!
Now you're afraid of octopi?!
You're playing a double game!
Now he has the octopi afraid of him...
no, he's afraid of octopi!
This is the man who married
my flower of a daughter with treason!
Coward! Fearful!
- Listen papa... -Silence!
What do you think? That I think of
vile money? No! No!
In this moment I think of Italy!
Of Italy!
Long live Italy!
You ungrateful wretch, you have the
chance to become...
...the Christopher Columbus of space. The
Amerigo Vespucci of the rocket...
...and you refuse.
- Yes, I refuse, I refuse, yes.
But you forget that we are a people
of poets...
...of inventors, and above all, of navigators!
You refuse? -Yes.
- Take it! You rascal!
Excuse me.
- Of course.
What's going on?
I'll tell you what's going on!
Your husband, this idiot, this imbecile,
has the opportunity...
...to earn 30 million dollars!
One dollar is a big deal!
And he refused it!
OK, he refuses!
We are a democratic nation.
We can't force someone to do
something that he doesn't want to do.
Listen, the voice of America.
- Shut up, rocket-man!
Rocket-man? What's he saying?
- He's gone mad.
Please, even if you refuse,
you must keep the secret!
OK, OK.
One moment! I'm the father-in-law
and I want to speak!
I'm sorry, but thank you all the same.
In any case, you think.
If you decide yes, we are ready.
You phone.
- OK, but I don't think so.
Last thing,
you give back our car tomorrow.
And we suspend the dollars
payment to you.
Just a moment, don't suspend it!
Americans, don't suspend it,
God forbid!
What is it?
I think they want to chase us away,
let's take advantage of it!
You can't go away like this!
We can't just forget it like this!
I'm in debt,
there are creditors, bills!
There are people who roll their eyes
at the rocket man and I.
Ah, agent! Agent!
I understand.
He understood? Good.
Even if Mr. Achille refuses,
we will protect you with agents.
Agents for me? This is a good idea
protection from the creditors with agents.
What will you give me, the police?
Police? No police. -No police?
- FBI, G-men.
To surround your house with
American agents.
Good. American agents!
It might be possible that a powerful foreigner.
An unscrupulous powerful foreigner.
- Who knows the glumonium.
Do you understand glumonium?
Yes, well, I don't speak English, but...
He knows about Mr. Achille...
He could compel him in a satellite,
violently, with force.
This would be a great idea!
Make him fly with force, with violence!
Goodbye! -Wait a minute,
my bills! Mr. American...
Do you think that now I've become your
wife that I want to be your widow?
Well, If you would like, I'll shoot
myself into space.
I would use all my power to
obstruct you.
I married a man, not a bullet!
You want to remain my wife even
if you've married a starving man.
Don't insult my husband!
But I'm your husband!
- Not yet.
Think dear, the marriage still
hasn't been consummated.
Oh! but we'll consummate it!
Oh how we'll consummate it!
We won't talk about science fiction
anymore, right?
No, we won't talk about it...
I'll align myself with the
unscrupulous foreigner!
Yes, how will I do it?
I don't understand politics!
I should look here.
In the delegation.
I'll show you!
Here they are!
Afganistan, Albania, Ancona.
No, not Ancona!
Oslo, Ajaccio, Israel.
Israel, Israel!
No, I need money and they don't
have even a lire! Not even a lire.
There it is! I found it!
Here it is: San Marino!
No, San Marino doesn't have powerful
foreigners, they're all from Bologna.
Maybe we can help.
Good evening.
- Yes, it's the tall foreign lady!
Good! And who are they?
- My friends.
Friends working for a country for which
your information could greatly help.
Good! They deal with the
unscrupulous power... who is it?
Friends, you understand it's like the
classic cheese on the macaroni.
Macaroni? -Macaroni.
- You said macaroni? -I said macaroni.
Can you provide information about
the space secret?
Secret?
Naughty! A super-secret.
I don't want to boast, but I hold...
You see me in plain clothes...
...but I'm the holder of an atomic
interplanetary space rocket secret!
That's worth millions.
Achtung!
- What? -Achtung.
Look, don't call me 'Arthur', my name's
Sir Pasquale Da Poggio Mirteto.
No, I was saying: 'Attention!'
Attention!
You have already cheated us once
with that little novel! Got it?!
They cheated me too with that novel!
But now this deals with something else.
Here... have you heard of 'glumonium'?
Glu... glu... what? Wunderbar!
Marvelous!
Glumonium! That's what we're
dealing with!
The Americans found a man with
glumonium in his blood...
...and want to launch him into space.
Thanks. Can I?
Let's do it again. Now I'll do it again.
Are you interested?
- I'm infinitely interested. Where is he?
Ouch! -It doesn't matter. -Of course
it matters, it's one of my fingers!
Doesn't matter!
There, there!
There it is, the rocket man.
- Where?
The rocket man is there.
- Where? -There, there!
From where?
- Look there, there!
I don't want to boast, but I'm
offering you a top quality rocket man.
A 100º/º guaranteed rocket man, whole,
unassailable... even from cosmic rays.
For all this, powerful foreigner... out with
some dough. -Just a minute.
Tatiana, there's a problem. American
agents have the house under surveillance.
Look.
Watch them.
I'll take care of it. -Don't provoke
a diplomatic incident.
We have to take the rocket man without
violence, his body must remain perfect.
What?! An unscrupulous power
shouldn't have such scruples.
Silence please.
I'll do it with maximum sweetness.
Don't worry. Did you forget that...
...they call me 'The Cat' and I'm
famous for my smarts.
Only?
Quiet please. Now you will please
come with me to my house.
I'm saying we shouldn't waste time.
Because the rocket man...
...was married to my daughter
this morning. And, man to man...
...the idea of rocket grandchildren
makes me sick. -Doesn't matter.
Come with me.
- It matters to me, Mr. Power... listen...
What do you usually do at this
time every night?
I go... I go to bed.
- Right.
And you?
- Me too.
Or it depends, if I'm tired, I go
to bed. If I'm not tired, I don't.
And are you tired tonight?
- Yes, very...
Help!
Help!
Interplanetary Alpha 1 annelids calling the
anti-terrestrial space control station.
We ask for an immediate intervention.
A dangerous terrestrial situation
has developed.
The terrestrial animals have decided
to launch a humanoid against his will.
I repeat: against his will.
We want an immediate response.
Be calm. We are thinking.
Interplanetary laws prevent
the use of violence.
If a humanoid goes into a rocket,
we can't disintegrate the satellite.
It would be a crime. We think that
the only solution is to resort to plan B2RO.
To put a duplicate of the same
humanoid into the rocket.
The terrestrial animals will never realize,
and our duplicate will do what we order.
Agreed.
Send the germination pod immediately.
We repeat:
Send the germination pod.
Lydia, hold me... -What are you doing?
Don't ruin everything with your brutality.
What brutality?! So, are we or are we
not married?
Yes dear, I prepared your pajamas in the
guest bathroom. Knock when you're ready.
Pajamas! A step in the right
direction indeed!
Go.
First night... my goodness... how
exciting... seduction...
...for you it takes the art of love.
Wedding night... how exciting!
Wedding night... all of my seduction...
Waah!
Attention! Remember that you are
a pod creature. Do you understand?
A pod creature. We have created you
and we can destroy you.
If you come near me and feel
my face... that's a little prickly...
...you will say... hello, go back in there!
Go, pod creature! You were born
to be launched into space.
In the place of your humanoid
likeness. Now you are naked.
Find yourself some pajamas somewhere.
And then go to the door and
deliver yourself to the person...
...who is coming to take you.
Go!
Treasure...
Achille! You're naked!
Stop yourself pod creature!
- I'm not...
Pod creature, you are under our control.
I forbid you from going inside there.
No... no...
Hells bells!
Alpha 1 calling for help!
We've lost control of the pod creature!
Cover yourself!
Put something on!
Go away! Disgusting!
I don't want to see you anymore!
Have you gone mad?
Do you think you're witty?
Witty...
My wedding night!
Stop it or I'm calling papa!
Papa... witty...
Good evening.
- Good evening.
I'm sorry who are you?
I'm the next door neighbor.
Since we live next to each other,
I came to get to know you a little.
Thank you. Can't we get to know
each other in 7 or 8 days?
You know, I was married today.
I'm a newly married man.
At least for tonight, I should
get to know my wife.
I didn't want to disturb you. I only
came to respect tradition.
Which tradition?
- The kiss to the married man.
You are very kind, but we better not.
There's no chance. My wife's in there!
Go... -No, we need to respect the
tradition. -Yes, look...
...I can't respect too many traditions
in one night. Please, don't do this.
My wife could hear!
Please... I couldn't sleep
without the traditional kiss...
Oh, it works like a sleeping pill, you say.
Oh!
Alarm! Alpha 1 annelids sound the alarm.
Plan failed.
The terrestrial animal was captured
and the pod creature is out of order.
The animal is inside there. You'll take him
out, put on his pajamas...
...and substitute yourself for him.
Really! Pod creature, cut it out!
Think only about opening the trunk and
switching yourself for the duplicate.
He's naked!
- Oh!
Do you think you're in an
earthly paradise? -Yeah.
What?
Buh... Buh... Buh... Beat it. Idiot.
Ah! You want to end up in prison?!
- Not only indecent exposure...
...also insulting an officer.
- You're coming with us, my handsome.
Forward handsome!
- My handsome.
What are you doing? What are you
looking at? Give me a hand!
He doesn't seem like a normal man.
- Does he seem like a woman? -No, no.
Not a woman.
- In that case... He's a foreigner.
Exactly! He's a foreigner. They need to
stop coming here and doing obscene acts.
Come with us!
- Let's go!
Pod creature, stop that! You're the most
moronic creature we've ever created!
Don't use violence! Free yourself from
them and get on the...
...terrestrial animal's pedal machine. We
will guide you to switch yourself...
...for the duplicate.
You pedal , I'll get on the back!
- Stop! Stop!
Yes, you checked the rocket man.
- Yes. His blood is good.
Your information was correct.
- Very correct, I'm a gentleman.
You didn't trust me?
You wanted the proof.
Yes, your information was correct.
We will show you our gratitude.
Obviously. Shall I go to the bank,
or will the bank come to me?
We have a better idea.
More interesting for you.
Miss Countess, I'm sorry, but
you're on a red herring.
I understand that you're a foreigner
and aren't experienced with our idioms.
But for me, there's nothing more
interesting than money.
Nothing! If your excellence gives me the
chance to express myself...
...with big words, I would say 'nada'.
The exact word is nada.
Yes, nada. You will be admired
by our cause and we thank you...
...up to now for the spontaneous
collaboration that you decided...
...to offer us for the imminent
space experiment.
What do you mean 'space'?
What do you mean 'collaboration'?
I don't collaborate with anyone.
I pointed out the rocket man to you.
Now you pay me and that's final.
Can I go to the bank?
- The bank's in hibernation.
I don't know this bank.
- You don't know it?
You'll see that you'll stay happy.
It's a special cell for rapid freezing.
I understand, my friend had one,
for ice cream cones. Yes.
Yes. Cones and men 'vrozen'.
- Cones and men...?
The temperature of the human body
is 98.6 degrees, wouldn't you say?
I would say so.
The temperature in the hibernation
cell will become 13 degrees below zero.
It's this comfortable? 13 below zero?
- Below zero.
Little by little the biological and
vegetative... -Bio...? -...logical...
...and, ve...? -Vegetative of the individual
will slow down. They will stop.
They will almost 'vreeze'. -Fre...?
-'Vreeze'. -Freeze. And the biological...
...and vegetative conditions.
- So the individual can face variations...
...of temperature, of atmosphere, and
speed that can be checked in the satellite.
Very interesting. Satellite?
Hello?! What satellite?
The one that we will put you in
with your son-in-law!
With who? Are you joking?
My vegetative system would suffer!
Take him, go!
- No! Miss Contessa, do something!
No, not in the satellite! Help!
This is a kidnapping! I'll
report it to the police! Lawsuit!
Help! Help!
Ba-ad ma... Bad man.
I understood. Silence! Interplanetary
Alpha 1 annelid calling the...
...space control station. The humanoids
intend to launch another...
...humanoid into space. Another
germination pod is needed.
Another germination pod.
Let's go.
What are you doing? Let me go!
- In there!
What are you saying? I don't understand!
- Hibernation.
In there! In there now!
And close the door!
I don't want to die 'vrozen'!
People!
Damn!
How cold. It's cold in here!
Luckily I have this handkerchief, otherwise
I would have caught pneumonia.
My god, what misfortune.
My god, what misfortune.
Leave it to me!
My god. My god.
Who is this wretch?
- Dad! -It's you.
How did you end up in the
hibernation room too?
...I found myself... nearby. How cold!
...And I said... I, I, I want to go find
my son-in-law.
Thank you. But how did you know that
I was here in the refrigerator?
Buh... buh...buh...because I guessed.
And I have a good sense of smell.
I smelled and...
...I noticed a bad odor and I came
because it was you. How cold.
Why are you asking all these questions?
If you did the launch with the Americans,
without any trouble...
...I wouldn't be here now. And I
wouldn't be going in a satellite!
You have to go in the satellite too, Dad?
I won't allow it, I won't.
Let me go, how gross.
Damn! You attacked me with a cold.
You sneezed in my face!
Don't do that. All the bacteria...
bacteria...
Bacteria.
- Look at the bacteria?
Waah!
Remember that you're also a
pod creature...
...and you will act only on my command.
Pod creatures, forward. Enter the house.
Head for the warehouse to
put on the hibernation costumes.
Forward, Go!
The handkerchief is frozen!
It's the end of us!
No! I don't want it to be the end of
the handkerchief! -Neither do I!
Let's leave!
Hey! You powerful unscrupulous
foreigners!
If I'm reincarnated, I'd like to...
...come back as a bottle full of beer.
Why? -Because then I would be
filled to the neck with beer!
The two prisoners!
- They've escaped! Let's go get them!
Quickly! Quickly!
Where did they go?
Pod creatures, open the door
and let the prisoners go.
There they are! -Let's get them!
- Go!
The door! Close the door! They leave
the door open in this cold!
Craziness!
- Close the door! -The door!
The door. -The door.
- The door's open! -The door's open!
Go! -The door's open!
Damn! we were dying in there!
You go...
There they are!
- No, there they are!
Oh my goodness!
I'm seeing double!
- The beer is playing a joke.
Let's get them!
We did it!
Dad... -What did you say? -Dad, I...
- How many times do I have to say...
...I don't want to be called that.
I'm Sir Pasquale, call me 'Sir'!
- OK, 'Sir', I'm going to look around...
...this corner to see if there's anyone.
- Go spy.
There they are! Let's get them!
Quickly, the exit must be somewhere
over here.
Quickly! Sir! Quickly!
Attention! Attention!
12 seconds to the departure...
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1
Lift-off!
This is a great moment for science.
For the first time two men will send us
the news from space.
Yes. The hibernation effect will end
at 50,000 km. It will be interesting...
...to see the reaction of the man
without glumonium in his blood.
I'm sure he won't be able to take it.
He's probably already dead.
Yes, probably, this is good, yes.
I'm in the satellite! Help!
Help! I want to get out!
Conductor, rocket men,
I want to get off at the next stop!
I don't understand you! Speak clearly!
You're getting worse you're
going senile. You're going senile.
I want to get off! I can't do
it anymore!
Terrestrial animals.
Who is it?
Terrestrial animals, don't worry.
- Perish the thought!
I'm very worried! I'm with a stupid,
senile nutcase!
And who gave you permission
to call me an animal?! Come out!
We are speaking from an interplanetary
station.
Which station?
The thing with you in the satellite
is not your son-in-law.
No?
- It's a pod creature.
A what? -A pod creature.
A duplicate of your son-in-law.
Oh. That's just great. It wasn't enough to
have one idiot in the family...
...there's also a duplicate.
Unfortunately, that's true.
No, I'll get off. I'll launch myself!
I'm not afraid, I'll launch myself!
No!
No, dangerous...
Oh yeah? I'm free.
Help, what's this?
You've successfully gone out of
the attraction of earth's orbit.
There's no longer the force of gravity.
Put back the force of 'gravation'
We are in the hyperstratusphere.
It's a miracle that you are still alive.
Oh yes? You ugly coward of a
jinxed pod creature!
Know that your humanoid companion
will live for another 100 years!
In your face and to all the
whatchamacallit-creatures like you.
You... mo...moron.
It's the anti-terrestrial space station here.
What we have to tell you is serious.
Very serious. The earth can never
know that a humanoid has survived.
Change the course of the missile
by 90 degrees, leave orbit immediately.
Follow our remote controls.
Yes! Do you know how to drive
this freight elevator?!
Hey!
The experiment has failed!
Failed!
We will never reveal this launch
to the world.
The satellite fell out of orbit
and escaped from our control!
And there are two men inside.
- We don't know anything about them.
A man in space is still
an unreachable dream!
Nobody alive will ever set foot
on Venus, on Mars, on the Moon!
Beautiful! Beautiful!
Where did you take me?
- To the moon.
The moon?
- Yes. At my age, to end up on the moon!
I always go to the island of Capri
this time of year. Doggone it!
...Antenna...
- What did you do?
-...Antenna...
Why are you 'antenna-ing' me from behind?
...Lovely...
- Get a grip.
Clouds! It's all cloudy!
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe!
I can't...who's there?
I can't breathe!
- Who...no...no...
I can't breathe!
...Ah... but I can breathe here!
Oh! So all they write are
fibs in science fiction books.
Holy mackerel!
Humanoid, don't be frightened.
I'm a friend. An annelid.
An interplanetary inhabitant.
I'm in charge of this area. Come forward.
I'll come forward... Does it bite?
- Huh? -Bite? -Huh?
I mean... 'buh-yte'. -No.
- It doesn't bite? It licks...so it's nice!
Mr. Annelid, please remove your mask
so we can speak man to annelid.
Excuse me, Mr. Annelid, I don't want to
be demanding, but I'd like to go home.
Forgive me, but is there a
return flight rocket?
I'm sorry, but I can't give you
a vehicle to return.
Maybe an emergency vehicle? I'll
arrange it, I'll hitchhike... you know?
Impossible, you will stay here forever.
With him. -With him?! No! It's not
possible, I have to go back home!
I have a house, a family! They must
be very worried about me by now!
No, don't worry.
Nobody realizes anything.
How?!
Your pod creature has already
substituted you quite well.
I have a duplicate?!
I've been switched?!
I was substituted by a pod creature?
Mr. Annelid, are you joking?
I'm sure that everything's in place.
And look, you can see them through
our astral-telepathic contacter.
Wow!
Look how happy your family is.
But just a minute, I don't understand.
- Your son-in-law's book was a success.
All the debts were paid.
- Who are those children?
You don't recognize them?
They're your grandchildren.
My grandchildren?! Sorry, but
we only left the earth half an hour ago.
Your space journey lasted half an hour,
but on earth, 10 years have passed.
Because you broke the
space-time continuum.
That doesn't seem like me.
- Nevertheless, it's your duplicate.
But I've never been such a fool!
Look at that!
Who's that dame?
- It's your new maid.
But... -See how your duplicate
takes an interest in her.
Oops... I was wrong, he does resemble
me after all. Just like me!
So much like me...
Did you see? Everything is in
order at your house.
You can rest easy here on the moon.
What?! You must be joking!
I have to stay here when there's such
a fetching maid at my house!
You must be joking.
Mr. Annelid, there are just some
things you can't understand. I'm a man.
You see, I have a man's body.
Therefore, I need a female body...no?
But you have the pod creature here.
- The pod creature?!
Look how cute he is...
Don't you like him?
What are you saying?!
- What don't you like about him?
The face? -The face?! No, the body!
I have a man's body and to survive,
I need a woman's body.
Did I spell it out for you?
I think I understand.
I will try to perform a 'tele-cellular
sex transformation' on the pod creature.
Eww...It still has the head of
that blasted creature!
Alright! You really are a
very demanding humanoid!
Look. Does this work for you?
Hey, hey! That works!
Thank you, Mr. Annelid. Thanks.
How much?...I'll pay later,
My signature is on the check.
Holy mackerel! Oh!
With a pod creature like this...
I'd spend the rest of my life on Mars,
on Saturn, and also on Mercury! Yes!
Ah, my beautiful pod creature, you are
a beautiful creature, but...
...to be a little fussy,
you're really a nice piece of tail.
You don't know how to do 'you know
what' because you've just been born.
Trust me. Something today,
something tomorrow...
...and something will come of it
in the end. Yeah!
...What a beautiful thing...
a beautiful creature in the evening...
The End