Totò contro Maciste (1962) - full transcript

TOT? VS MACISTE

By order of the great Pharaoh
Ramses VIII,

I, the Scribe Mosi,

gird myself
to write the history

and deeds of
the divine Totokamen,

sent by the gods

to save Egypt at
a critical point in history.

His appearance among mortals
is shrouded in mystery.

It was told that he arrived in
Thebes in a blazing chariot

within a cloud of golden dust.

Others say he descended
the majestic Nile



from a great ship
emanating divine music.

And finally, it was affirmed
that he arrived in the desert,

amid the wild
galloping of horses.

The truth is known
only by the gods,

who guard it jealously.

Halt!

Who's down there?

Down there? I'm here!
I can't take this anymore!

Still a day's walk to Thebes.
The desert's killing me.

All your fault!

Why?
- It's obvious.

Because we were in Memphis,

I was doing
my number in the square,

earning enough
for all three of us,



but you wanted better,
so deal with it.

So this is the thanks I get?

After a manager like me
took you out of the mud?

Because that's where you were:
in the mud!

I got you a contract in
the hottest club in Thebes,

and all you say is
"All your fault." Is that OK?

Really? But you're
the one complaining, not me.

I'm fine, comfortable.

Right, you are comfortable.
Sure you are!

On horseback,
a parasol blocking the sun.

Quite comfortable!

Young man, let us remember

that envy
is the enemy of friendship!

And selfishness too!

But come down.
Hurry, I can't take this.

Really? You insist that I,
no mere mortal, walk on foot?

Look,
I think by hearing this lie

about your birth,
invented by me,

which I tell the public
as your barker,

only to give pizzazz
to your number,

you're starting to believe it.

I don't want to dwell on
my birth because I don't care.

"But remember..."
- But remember, I'm an artist!

Hear that, Ciccio?
He says he's an artist.

Good, Ciccio.
- What did he say?

Our secret business.

You two would
understand each other.

Get down, hurry up!
Let me ride up, my feet hurt.

Upsy-daisy! There we go.
I don't don't care, ya know.

A stroll will do me good.
It helps with the digestion.

Sure. Digestion?
We haven't eaten in two days!

So? I have a long digestion.
- Good for you.

One...
- One.

Two...
- Two.

Three.
- Three.

"Pour a splash of vinegar
seasoned with mice."

"Add three lizard's nails."

We're out of lizard's nails,
Divine Pharaoh.

Do we have any eye of flea?

We have six and a half left.
- Put them all in.

Now,
the most important ingredient:

tiger's blood!

O Light of the Moon,
are you sure it will work?

Maybe, I'm no good
at making cheese,

but an evil potion made by me
is without comparison.

It must be him.
- Is it ready?

Bring it over there and
pour in the amphora of wine.

Wife of Pharaoh, thank you.

Rise, Maciste.

Come,

take repose.

I still have enough strength
to face a whole army!

I know, but it's better you
take care of yourself. Sit.

I thank you for helping me
escape from prison.

I had no other choice.

Seeing that the Divine Pharaoh,
your husband,

didn't want to believe me.

One more night and he would've
had you killed in your sleep,

rather than see you allied
with the King of Assyria.

I would've never done it!
Never!

Who spread this slander?
- I did.

If I helped you,
it was for a purpose.

Tell him everything, Baitan.

You leave tonight for
the Assyrian capital

and will go to King Karibu.

He'll give you command of his
army and you'll invade Egypt.

No, never.

I will not betray the Pharaoh,

even if he did throw me in prison.
- Why not?

Because... because
I love his daughter Nefertiti.

I suspected it.

You're in love with
my fool of a stepdaughter.

But you're a fool too.

If you follow my counsels,
you can have so much more.

A throne.

And myself.

We will reign together.

Now I understand it all:

Pharaoh is putting
me to the test

to find out if I'm faithful.
And I bet...

that he's hidden somewhere
to hear how I would respond.

Well, this is my only answer:

Long live the Pharaoh Ramses!

You're so intelligent.

One couldn't tell
by just looking at you.

You guessed right:
it was a test and you passed.

May I be admitted to the palace now?
- Certainly.

Bring a little wine
for our guest.

You must toast
the Pharaoh's health.

Where is the Pharaoh?
I want to tear him to pieces!

You shall have him, Maciste,
if you do as I say.

I'm your slave.
Order it and Maciste smash!

Bravo!
That's what I like to hear.

But are you still
in love with Nefertiti?

Me? Love that idiot?

You're the light of the stars.

You are the woman I want.

On your behalf,

I will join the Assyrians,

and return a conqueror...
in Thebes...

to throw out the window...

that crappy Pharaoh!

Don't tire yourself, sweetie.

Save yourself
for greater feats.

And now go.

Kimen!

My faithful Kimen shall go
with you across the border.

And be careful.

You wouldn't by any chance
be jealous of that animal?

We will need him to conquer
the throne for me and you.

How long will
the effect of the potion last?

It lasts one month.

Enough for him to win
and offer us the crown.

Welcome,
Most Excellent, Dignitary.

What an honor
for my humble club!

Now and then, one likes to be
diverted from political work.

To be sure.

The right side or the left?

The center!
Prudence, my friend!

Quite right. This way.

What are you offering
this evening?

Exceptional performances,
male and female.

Dances in all colors: green,
pink, white, turquoise, black!

For every taste.
- Yes.

A drink, Your Excellency?
- My usual.

I knew it: seltzer.

Here we go.

Come quickly, Master!

What is it?
- The end of the world!

Where?
- The dressing room!

Excuse me, Your Excellency.

Are they nuts?
- Nuts!

Do they know who we are?
- Who knows?

Did you call the manager?
- I called 3 hours ago.

Who dares yell so in my club?!
- Me!

Me and I've good reason!

Here one is abused
and "disabused!"

What happened?
- What happened? Look there!

What?
- There on the poster:

His hieroglyphics are smaller
than Peppino's from Cairo!

I'm a big star!
- A big star!

I deserve the biggest
hieroglyphics of all!

But Peppino from Cairo
is a "screamer."

And what am I?
Why, Am I a whisperer?

You think I don't know
how to scream?

Blue, the 1000 blue bubbles!
Blue, the 1000 balls!

With 24,000 kisses...!
We all can scream!

Please, no scandal.

Tonight, a great dignitary
of the Pharaoh is here.

What dignitary?
- You don't know who I am!

Yeah, I don't know.
- Who I am!

I don't know.
- I signed a contract!

In my own hand! My own hand!
- Get your hands off me!

Stop! Don't touch me!

We all know whose son he is!
- Ah, yes, we know.

The son? Yeah, right.

How dare you treat
an international star like that?

Tarantenkamen!
- Yes?

Let's go away.
- Right away!

You can't. The great
dignitary is out there.

Let him do the show!

You want to ruin me?
- Yes!

But the audience paid.
- We're leaving!

You have a contract. A contract!
- Oh, yeah?

Do you know what I say?
- Listen up.

Even with a contract, we're leaving.
- There!

Do you know what I'll answer?
- Don't insist.

Do you know?
- No prayers!

We keep our word!
- You know what I say?

No means no!
- Get out!

Both of you, out!

That's the door,
get out of my club!

Never darken my door again!

Hey! You call this manners?

We were speaking calmly.

We're artists.
- Rude!

We're leaving? Who said so?
- Him!

How dare you say that?
- I was just joking!

You didn't get it? Just a joke.
- You didn't know?

Tarantenkamen, announce my act
to the public right now.

Are you doing the full act?
- Yes, and even more.

Just wait and see the success!

Egypt will have a revolution tonight!
- Modestly speaking.

Listen, you must excuse him.
You know these managers.

The Dignitary's is outside.
- They must justify their bread.

You know I'm an actor.

If I get excited,
I rant and rave.

I want to know something.

I want to know confidentially,
for the "rector", I...

What?

For the "rector,"
I want to know confidentially,

is this great dignitary,

"peradvertising,"
greater than me?

Is he greater than me?

Is he greater than me?
- Why are you whispering?

You said, "shh..."
- I meant "a lot."

He's second to the Pharaoh.

By Jove!

He has the right of life
and death over all.

I recommend you do
your best tonight, eh?

Or else, he...

Really?

Totokamen, on stage!
- Coming!

Ladies and gentlemen,

accompanied minors
and soldiers at half price,

the show you're about to see
is unique over all the globe!

For the first time here
in Thebes,

the great,
the divine Totokamen

will give a holy demonstration
of his exceptional powers.

His strength has no limits,
his powers have no boundaries!

He is unbeatable,
unbreakable, indestructible!

But let's not get lost
in small talk, O Thebans!

I've the pleasure to introduce to you
he with the angry muscles,

the man always imitated
but never equaled:

Totokamen!

Ladies and gentlemen, silence!
What is this bibble babble?

Were you expecting a giant?

I've already told you:
Totokamen is no mere mortal!

He is mortal but not mere!

Just look at him! Just look!

Where are those muscle?

Excellent,
I spoke of angry muscles

and I keep my promise!

His muscles are not visible
at this moment

because the subject is calm.

But as soon as he is angry...
Show them a little anger!

A little more!

Some more!

Bad doggy!

Show your muscle! Observe.

Look, ladies and gentlemen,
what strength! Just look.

Stop! Calm down.
There, ladies and gentlemen.

To give you an exact proof
of his Herculean,

yet invisible, strength,

the divine,
the powerful Totokamen,

before your very eyes,
in the skip of a heartbeat,

will bend, like a twig,
this solid iron bar!

Yes, solid iron.

Anybody who doubts,
want to test it? I'm ready!

At your service, Sir.
Test it, it's iron!

Touch it, Sir, it's iron.
Touch the iron, Sir!

Anyone else want to test it?
You, Ma'am, test it. Iron!

Test it. Test it! It's iron!

Anyone else?
Anyone else want to test it?

I said it was iron
and I keep my word!

Hear that? It's iron!
Ready, Divine One? - Yes!

Go on, grab this!
Upsy-daisy!

Are you crazy?
You could've broken my foot.

Go forth, O Immense One, go!

And may Amun protect you!

Go on!

Let's go!

Come on!

Come on!

Go on!

Calm down,
ladies and gentlemen,

I see your enthusiasm
and your hesitation.

And you will wonder,
"How could

such a scrawny man
be so strong?"

Of course, he's got force!
It's par for the course.

He is the son of the god
Amun in the flesh!

This Being

holds within himself
all the forces of nature!

He is a volcano!

And his bowels are white-hot!

His saliva is incendiary!

Spit on the ground.

The flame is beautiful,
O Thebans of Thebes,

but you know
there's no fire without smoke.

Blow out the smoke.

What?
- Blow smoke bubbles.

Go on! Good!

Again! Go on! Go on!

Finally, if the divine
Totokamen is ready,

he'll give you one last proof
of his exceptional powers!

Ready, Divine One?
- Ready.

Ready (hello)!
- Hello?

Hello, who's this?
- It's me, Tarantenkamen.

Tarantenkamen, what do you want?
- It's time for the chains.

The chains then.
- See what fun he has?

This exercise is
a joke to him!

Did you check them well?
- Do you doubt it?

At Memphis, a blacksmith
had to set me free.

Don't worry.

It's heavy!
- It's rigged.

Its heavier than before...
- Turn.

Keep turning. Keep turning.

Turn some more!
- I am.

Turn. Turn a bit more.

It's heavy. Please be patient.

Easy, we're almost done.
There we go!

I'm putting a padlock on!
- Never mind that.

After I lock it, I give
the audience the key!

And I walk away!
- Hey!

In less than one minute,
the strongest man in the world

will break into
pieces these chains!

Voil?!

Do you think this strong small
man is really Amun's son?

I need to hear the Pharaoh
to come to a decision.

I come from the palace.
Maciste has escaped.

How? When?

Half an hour ago.
He overwhelmed the guards.

I'm ruined!

That damned strongman,
full of deceit and lies!

For years,
he has fooled all of Egypt!

But no more! No more!

He'll pay!

Is he mad at us?
- Crap, we messed up.

What now?
- Let's run away.

THE BORDER

To arms!

Halt!

Tell that Pharaoh
his time has come!

Calm down, dear. At your age,
one shouldn't get too upset.

Calm down?

That traitor Maciste has
already crossed the border.

We shall soon see the Assyrian
army descend upon us!

And if they do?

Your warriors will repel them.
- Right!

And who will lead them
against that giant?

We would need another...
What are they called?

Strongman, Majesty.
- That's it: a strongman.

Is it possible that
we have none in my kingdom?

It's not easy, Majesty,
people are undernourished.

Let's not bring up politics.

Well, the other night,
I saw this guy...

A guy?
- What guy?

One you wouldn't say so
by just looking at him,

but he executed some truly
unusual acts of strength!

And what are you waiting for?
Bring him here.

That won't be easy.

I'll give him
anything he wants.

But he's the son
of the god Amun!

The son of the god of Amun?

Are you sure?
- Everyone swears it.

What can you offer
the son of a god?

If he is the son
of the god Amun,

it's his duty to help Egypt.

Majesty, I'll unleash my guards
throughout the kingdom,

and if he's in the land,
I'll find him!

People of Thebes, folk of
the city and the countryside,

men, women and children
of the whole kingdom,

hearken! Everybody hearken!

By order of the Great Pharaoh,

throughout the land is sought

the most excellent son
of the god Amun.

Whoever meets a divine being,

endowed with mighty strength,
make his presence known.

His name is Totokamen,

medium height,
a bit on the short side.

He usually goes about
in company.

On your knees.

Come forth!

Damn,
what a nice police station!

Station? This is
the Pharaoh's throne room!

Really? If they're bringing
us here, it must be serious.

You probably did something bad.
- No, I didn't. It must be you.

I didn't do anything!
- Then who?

I recommend not to talk.
You know nothing, nor I.

We'll be closed in silence.

Good!
- I'm not open.

Going on a holiday?
- Holiday?

I never understand a word you say.
- Hush.

Which one is he?
- Him!

There he is!
- Not me!

That's him! That one, Majesty.
- But I'm innocent!

You, brave!
- I don't understand.

You, brave!

I didn't rave! Did you rave?

I didn't rave.
- No raving here.

Brave Totokamen,

I know you like
to be called "Divine."

You proclaim yourself
son of Amun, right?

Truly, it wasn't me. It was
he who spread this slander!

Majesty, he speaks so
because his father was,

let's just say, a bit of a playboy.
- Correct.

He had an extramarital affair
from which he was born.

If I say so myself.

What matters is the paternity.

Right.
- Approach, Totokamen!

Go on.
- No.

Go on!
- No!

Go on!
- I'm shy!

Shy, my girl? Go on! Go!

Come.
- Move it!

What do you say?
- Hello, Pharaoh.

Make a curtsy.
Say your poem and we're done.

"On this day
so lovely and sweet,

the Pharaoh sat
at his maids' feet..."

Not that!
- I don't know any other.

Come closer.

Shall I take the stairs?
- He's calling you.

1,2,3,4...
Here I am.

Valorous Totokamen...
- Yes?

You're the man I seek.
- Yes?

I entrust to you
the control of my army

to combat the Assyrians,
led by Maciste.

Fight the Assyrians?
No way!

I can't fight, Majesty.
I'm a conscientious objector!

Sorry, Majesty,
he objects because he knows

his arm's mighty strength.

I'm an "objective."

With one blow,
he could take down an army!

Can you guarantee that?

I do.
- Guaranteed.

Yet, looking at him closely,
he seems a bit scrawny.

True, Majesty,

because I was on
the cod liver oil diet but...

But he's allergic.
- Allergic.

No, no, no, Majesty,
don't forget,

he's the son of a god.

And what a god!

Yes, that's right. True.

Valorous Totokamen,

you give me life and hope.
- I know...

Accept this task and you shall
have honors and glory.

Say thank you.
- Thank you

for the honors
and for the glory.

But one doesn't live
on bread alone.

Is there any chow
in this condo?

You jest.

Stay at the palace and you can
have anything you want.

Anything?
- Anything.

You really mean anything at all?
- Anything.

If he says so,
he means it, no?

Even if I wanted,
just in case...

If I may?

Go on, ask him.

He won't get offended?
- Why should he?

Shall I ask it? Shall I?

I tell him
in his Eustachian "tomb."

OK?

You truly are your
father's son! Alright.

You shall have what you request.
- It's a deal.

Good. Let me now introduce my family.
- Yes.

Please, no faux pas.
- The Great Royal Wife,

my second wife.
- A lady "farro?" How lovely!

Please, no faux pas!
- No! What a lovely Pharaoh!

And just think, I almost
mistook her for a tasty grain!

What a lovely she-Pharaoh!

You have good taste.

But not you,
the Pharaoh is a toad!

That's a faux pas.
- I meant to do that.

And this is my daughter.

The daughter of my first bed:

Nefertiti.
- Ne...?

Nefertiti.
- Oh, I'm sorry!

You should keep warm in bed.
- Why?

Because with nephritis...
- Not nephritis. Nefertiti!

Now I'll show you around
the park and the palace!

Yes, Majesty.
- What are we seeing?

Park and palace.
- He said "pork."

Pork and palace.
- Park and palace!

Where is this pig?
- In the palace.

Get moving!
- We are!

Is it possible
that this little man

has the strength
to fight Maciste?

If he's Amun's son,
his strength has no limits.

We must find out for sure.
- But how?

By putting him to the test.

Tonight,
you'll enter his room.

You'll tie him up
with 18 ropes,

like we did before to Maciste.

We'll see if he can break free
like the Son of Stone.

My lower limbs!

My lower limbs!

How is it possible? 450 rooms,
and he made us see them all.

That was more than
70 kms round trip!

The Pharaoh likes to show
the palace to special guests.

That's not an honor, hard labor!
- A marathon!

My leg muscles can't take it anymore.
- No, no.

My calves!
- No, no...

What calves? Calves?
But no, Divine Greatness!

Invoke your daddy Amun

and you'll feel refreshed
and stronger than ever!

You think so?
- Why not?

You advise that?
- Sure!

Then let me invoke.

Try it!
- O Daddy. Daddy!

Make me stronger
than before, Daddy.

Daddy!

What's the matter with him?
Is he cold?

No, he's invoking his daddy.

Why are you doing that?
Act natural or he'll find out.

I'm praying.

Act natural!
- More than this?

Not like that...
- Knock, knock, who's there?

It's the Dignitary,
Divine One.

What does he want?
- I dunno.

I want to wish him good night.
- What does he want to wish?

Good night. Are you deaf?
- Good night, dear.

And that tomorrow we'll start
studying the battle plan.

Let's not start rushing!
Nobody's after us!

Tomorrow? There's still time!
- I see but why rush things?

Why rush things?
You know what they say:

"The hasty cat made
the Egyptian kittens blind!"

Don't make him angry.
- Don't make me angry, please!

Hey, listen here a second.
Listen here.

Remind your Pharaoh
not to forget his promise.

Pharaoh always
keeps his promises.

Yet, sometimes
these Pharaohs...!

You never know,
Pharaohs might get forgetful.

Sleep well.
- Sleep?

But where are we sleeping?
I don't see a bed!

Unless it's on the ground?
- But we're not animals.

No, here's the bed!

Beautiful! Look how nice!
- One bed?

It's a bit small though.
Can the two of us sleep here?

Think you're sleeping with me?
- Like I want to?

Are you crazy? I'm outta here.
- O Divine One,

this is your bed.
His is over there.

That's what I thought.
- Thank you.

Good night.

Good night, Dignitary.

Good night.

Good night to you too.
- Good night, son of Amun.

May the gods protect you.
- Thanks.

Is this my bed?
How is that possible?

Is this a joke or
are we being serious?

Tarantenkamen!
- What is it?

Tarantenkamen! Tarantenkamen!
- What?

Come here now!

What?
- This is a bier!

A bier?
This is a general's bed.

A general?
This is a penthouse.

Generals sleep high up.

I don't give a fig if they do!
I want to sleep down low.

Fine, jump up.
- Jump? And what if I break my head?

Who will reimburse me?
- What can you do?

Where's your bed?

He said over there.
- How is it?

I haven't seen it yet!
- Lemme see.

Why?
- Lemme see!

Why?
- Never you mind.

I wanna know.
- I wanna see it.

I want to know why.
- Hush and stop asking.

What are you up to?
- I have an idea.

What splendor! Upsy-daisy!
- Tell me about this idea.

You want to hear my idea?
I sleep here

and you on the bier!

Where did they put it?

Down there, at the end.

By Amun!

Who goes there?
The Pharaohness!

You here?
What are you doing?

What do you want?

Why are you here?

Well? Speak!

O brave Totokamen,
don't kill him, don't hurt him!

Kill him? Who?
- Maciste.

He's not evil,
it's not his fault.

That scum who has allied
himself with the Assyrians!

Yes, but his disposition
is sweet and generous.

Little girl,
look me in the eyes.

Turn around.

You love him!

Yes.
- I knew it.

Yes,
I love him more than myself.

Do it for me, spare him!

I cannot.

It'll put me in
a difficult position. I can't!

I've given my word
to the Pharaoh

that I'll annihilate him,
destroy him!

No, please, have mercy on me!
Have mercy on him!

Come, come, what is all this?

Come, don't cry.
You're touching my heart.

Don't cry. Stand up. Just like that.

Smile. When you smile
you look so cute.

Fine, this means?

I'll do as you ask, OK?

Thank you, Divine One!
- Kissing my hand? You nuts?

I'm not Abb? Faria, ya know!

Well then?
- He's a supernatural being.

He freed himself immediately.
It was incredible.

Can this man
really be dangerous?

Unfortunately,
Light Of My Eyes.

I have trust in Maciste.

No one, not even Amun's son
can surpass his strength!

Hush!

Why?
- In case, Amun hears you.

You mustn't despise his power.

Indeed,
we should sacrifice to him,

give gifts to his temple,
make him our friend.

And that son,
we must scare him.

Let me see...
- Leave that to me.

Tarantenkamen!

Tarantenkamen!
Tarant... Where is he?

Tarantenkamen, wake up!
Wake Up!

He's sleeping like a donkey!

Tarantenkamen!

Wake up!

Wake up, sleepyhead! Hey!
- Who's that?

Turn around.
- Who is it?

Turn around!
- Who is it?

Come on. What did you do? Hey!

Let go! If you don't,
how can I get up? Who is it?

Who touched you? You're tied.
- What did you do?

That's good,
I've never seen a man

tie himself up
before going to bed.

Were you afraid of falling off the bier?

Yeah.
- Get up.

You tied me up.
It was one of your pranks.

Me? How dare you
make insinuations?

Who was it then? Who?

Wait, let me think... I know!
If I mistake not or err,

it must've been
Maciste's emissary!

What does Maciste
have to do with it?

Maciste fears us!
Or, even better, fears me!

In fact, a little while ago,
I met Maciste's girlfriend,

the Pharaohness,
the Pharaoh's daughter who...

who begged for him! Maciste!

Why bring up Maciste's
girlfriend? Release me!

Maciste sent an emissary
to bind you,

thinking he was binding me!

Understand?
Maciste, listen up!

You ain't done squat!

Until proven otherwise,

I'm the one tied up.
Will you untie me?

No, wait, let's clear this up.

There's a mistake here.

I'm the one who's bound.

You're bound but unofficially.
- Yeah?

Me, officially!

Officially or not, I'm bound.
Untie me!

You should be untying me.
I'm the one who's bound!

How can I? I can't move!
- Then let's try this:

Everyone unties himself, OK?
- No!

Deal with it! And drop dead!
- Come here!

Swindler!
- Where are you going?

Come here, Totokamen,
untie me!

Come here!
- No!

Son of an Amun!

Maciste was locked up here.

What an ugly place.
- He escaped through there.

Before or after the earthquake?
- Earthquake?

The one that wrecked this.
- That earthquake was Maciste.

Maciste?
- Yes, as he escaped.

Right, an escape.
- When?

The other night. Look.
- Hear that?

Maciste ran away with an ape.

No, an "escape" by night.
- And the ape?

His strength knows no limits.
Look at how he bent the bars.

He did?

With his own hands?

But are you joking or serious?
- I'm serious.

Hey, but look here.

It's solid iron!
- Are you surprised?

When you did your routine
in the club, you bent it too.

OK, but those were different.
They were made up.

What?

He meant that he wore makeup
before going on stage

and then bent the bars.

I bent the bars.
- I see. But look at this.

Look at this recess.
- Cute!

Was there a deity inside?
- Is it an ancient bas-relief?

Very recent. Maciste did it.
- Maciste?

Maciste enjoys sculpture?

No, a soldier blocked his way

and he threw him against the wall!
- Whoah!

You can do even more,
Divine One.

If he had flung the soldier,

he would've went right
through the wall.

No doubt it but there's more.
- No, we've seen enough.

No, you must see it.

You must come
to terms with it.

So when you meet Maciste,
you'll know the score.

Know what?
- The score!

Score? 2 to 3, bases loaded.
I'm outta here!

No, Sir.

What's next, my friend?
- This way.

A nice plate of spaghetti?
- Will you cut it out?

Make a tiny bit of effort.

Observe:

This is the best demonstration
of what Maciste is capable of.

What a wonderful show!

So many women!

Are they singing?
- Crying.

Crying?

Why?
- Because they are widows.

Why are they all
there together?

A union for widows,
a widows's union.

They are the widows of
soldiers killed by Maciste.

32, all at one blow.

You hear that?

32, all at one blow.

If there had been two blows,
there would've been 64 widows.

Why do you care?
Are you married?

No.
- Well then?

I'm single.

Yeah, why should I care? Why?

Is there anything else to see?
- Right!

Let's go. We want excitement!

You get it now?
- No.

When the doctors get here,
they must find a bodily illness.

An illness?
- A bodily sickness.

But my body's fine.
- I know.

This is the only way to avoid
confronting Maciste.

Really?

It's won't be hard
for you to look ill.

With that face!

You see how you look?
- Look how?

You look terrible.
- Terrible?

I can't even recognize you.

I love you, you're my friend,
you know, but I must say it.

Go on.

You were ugly?
- Yes, quite.

Well, it's worse now.
- No!

Yes...
- I'm worse?

You've become cadaverous.
- No!

You can't see but
if you could only imagine it.

Sunken eyes, a shaky look,
yes, without any expression.

Your nose has gotten longer.
- Longer? How much?

Uh, you've no idea.
And your mouth!

Your mouth's crooked!
- It is?

Your chin's pointier!
- Pointy?

A pallor has fallen!

Where?
- In your face!

My face?
- So white!

A pallor on my face?
Get it off!

You're scaring me. Oh, my God!

You're frightening me.

I'm afraid to tell you.
- Tell me. What?

But friendship is sacred,
I must tell you. - Tell me.

I cannot hide the truth,
even at the cost of offending.

Would you get mad?

No.
- Swear.

I swear.
- Your hand.

Here's my hand.
- Repeat after me,

I swear on our friendship,

which is sacred,
that I won't be offended.

You suck.

I don't understand.
- You suck!

Me? And what about you?
- I'm fine.

You suck too!
- Fine.

Is that the way
you talk to a friend?

But... but... but...
get lost! Get lost!

But you swore...

I have all these conditions
and I hafta fight Maciste!

Don't shake. Why do you shake?
- I'm dying.

Don't exaggerate!
- I'm dying of fear!

This I know.

We need to find a disease that
is not seen from the outside.

One that can't be diagnosed.
- I see, a reserved prognosis.

That's the ticket!
- It is, eh?

What do you think if we both
got nice reserved prognoses?

Don't joke now...
- One for a spare?

No, Sir! We must make a fever.
- Fever?

Where's the thermometer?
- It's over there.

Leave it to me.
- What are you doing?

Leave it to me.
- What are you doing? Hey!

Are you roasting
the thermometer?

Don't worry,
these doctors know nothing.

But they'll see
a roasted thermometer!

They're coming! Come!

Put the thermometer in!

Start groaning. Make it look natural.
- OK.

Oh, how my friend suffers!

Totokamen, don't worry,

I brought you the best
doctors in my kingdom.

No, I don't want to see them!
- They'll heal you soon.

No, they won't.

He has a strong fever.

Poor friend, now I'll be alone,
without anybody.

My poor friend, a fever
that could kill a horse! See.

How is this possible?
I don't get it. More than 40?

43 and more!
- Plus the change...

Strange, he's ice cold.
- A cold fever.

How? You said he was 43.

43 below zero.
- Now let's see.

Where?
- Here, near the appendix.

A terrible pain that rises,
rises,

makes a few turns
around the neck,

then speeds down there...

only to stop
in the left ankle.

It's circular.
- If I touch your ankle...

It's turning back! Returning!
It goes up to the neck,

makes two or three
turns in reverse,

then it descends from here...

returning to its starting place.
- The bus depot.

It's serious.
What would you propose?

I would propose an operation.

Yes.
And where would you operate?

That's easy: the stomach.
Why not?

Don't worry, they don't know anything.
- But...

I'd take a knife, make a nice
incision from here to here.

Did I hurt you?

Of course.
- Be calm.

The belly once open,

There! Hold the flaps!
Hold the flaps!

Done.
- Good!

I stick my hands
into the abdominal cavity,

and pull out the intestines.

Pull it! Come out!

Those giblets are mine!
That hurts!

How heavy these
intestines are.

You couldn't tell
just by his looks.

I lay them on the table.
- Hey, easy! Easy!

And I begin to sort out the parts.
- Yes.

Where's the liver?
- There. Here. There.

Liver here.
- Liver there!

Fried liver and cod everywhere!
Are you crazy?

Fever makes him delirious.

The liver here,
the spleen there,

here he will hold his heart
because the organ is delicate.

Open your hands.
- Easy! Easy!

That done...
- A fine heart. Wait!

What?
- Just listen to it!

Of course,
or else you'd be dead, right?

After that, I pull out the intestines.
- Yeah...

Patience, they're a bit long.
9 meters.

The intestines out,

I rinse them in
a nice antiseptic solution.

I give it
a good wash like this

and then put it
in the sun to dry.

Once dried,
I examine it like this,

to hunt out bacteria.

None here, none there...
- There! I saw its paws!

You wretch, I got you!

I put him on the table like so
and get a hammer,

a nice whack to the head...!
- Poor beast!

A fracture to the skull,
the bacteria is extinct.

I redo the bundle

and put it back into
the patient's belly. Open up!

There, I put the stomach in,
sew it up,

and the operation's a success!
- But the patient is dead!

Are you mentally ill?

Am I a goat? You cut me open,
take my liver out,

take out my intestines
and bacteria! Hey!

No operations! I refuse!

If you're going to operate,
hurry.

Maciste is advancing
like a fury.

So many are dead

that accountants can't
account for them.

So, operate: an incision,
two stitches and done!

It shall be done, my Pharaoh.
- Let's get ready.

Mr Pharaoh,

how can I go to war with
my stomach stitched up?

Son of Amun,
your father shall protect you.

Great.

Is it possible that everytime
you open your big trap,

I get in trouble?
- What did I do?

What put an operation
in your head?

I was thinking
of the convalescence.

After an operation like that,
you'll get 30 days of rest.

Really? You heard Pharaoh?
- Never mind him.

I gotta go to war stitched up
because I'm the son of Amun!

Another of your inventions!

What should I do with you?

So what do you want to do?
- Run away.

Yeah, and you think it's easy.

The palace is full of guards.
- So what? Palace guards?

We'll still escape,
escape through the tunnel.

Where is this tunnel?

Don't you know that
every respectable palace,

ignorant know-nothing,

has a secret door
leading to a tunnel?

And where does it end up?
- In the sewer.

I knew it!

What do you know?

It goes to the sewer, then to
the sea leading to freedom!

How do we find this door?
- By knocking!

Secret doors are found
by knocking. Will you knock?

Now he's knocking.
- Let's knock and don't be silly.

Who's there?
- It's me, I'm knocking.

I thought it was somebody else...
- You knock there, I'll knock here.

Go and knock over there.
- I can't find anything.

Holy cow!
- What is it?

This is gold!
- Gimme! Gold?

You're right.
- I knew it.

I'm taking this as a souvenir.
- You're such a thief! Knock.

Or the Pharaoh would be angry.
- You'll wind up in jail.

Are you sure knocking
will reveal a secret door?

Yes.

I don't think so,
I can't find anything.

I found it!

I found it! Where are you?
Tarantenkamen! Tarantenkamen!

Tarant... Hey!
- I found the tunnel!

You found the...
You found the tunnel?

Watch your step.

Tarantenkamen?
- What?

I can't go on.

Why?
- It's shut.

Not shut, a dead wall.
- What?

A dead wall.
- Mamma mia!

Hey... Hug the wall.
- I'm hugging it.

Careful.
- What is it?

Another dead wall.
- Another one? There are two.

I'm sensitive
about these things.

Keep moving.
- Yes.

I think I found it.
- You found it?

Thank goodness.
- Wait.

Thank god.
- Nothing doing.

Why?
- It's a blind.

Crikey,
two dead and one blind?

No, it's a blind wall.
- Yes, I'll keep hugging.

There, I'm hugging.
- Easy.

Hey! I found one.
- Another dead wall?

No, a hunchback wall.
- Touch it.

What a disgusting tunnel!

2 dead, 1 hunchback and 1 blind.
Where the heck are we?

I don't know, you brought me here.
- Me?

Are you hugging?
- Yes.

Ah, it's broken here.

Go in.
- Should we?

Let's see what's there.
- Yeah, yeah.

I bet they're more dead walls.
- No.

Here we go.

It's hollow here.
There must be a door.

Ah, a door!
- It's opening!

Divine Totokamen!

Come forth.

How nice to see you
on your feet.

Who is to thank for your recovery?
- The sewer.

Sewer?

He means the idea of
fighting Maciste in a sewer

has cured him.
- Good.

Then you can leave
now to fight Maciste.

Of course, Majesty.
- What? Majesty, impossible.

I'm still a bit wobbly.

I need at least
7 months of rest.

What do you mean, my brave?

You don't need rest,
you're an iron man!

Be strong, my hero.
- Yes.

When you return victorious,
you shall marry my daughter.

Thank you, Majesty
but it's impossible,

it wouldn't do.

I'm quite touched but

your daughter is so young,
I could be her father.

In Egypt, it's customary

for the wife to be much
younger than her husband.

Yes, I know, but...
- There's another reason:

He being a divinity,
he can only marry another god.

I didn't say so before
so you wouldn't be offended.

You see, I can't marry

any small potatoes...
- What do I hear?

My daughter, small potatoes?
- Fine, big potatoes! Yams!

But given my birth, I can only
marry a goddess, Majesty.

If she were a goddess,
Majesty...

Ah, right.
I suppose you're right.

Don't we have
any goddess on hand?

Not at the moment,
there's a shortage.

Hear that? You're lucky.
There's a shortage.

No! No dwarf goddess!

The ones with beards...
- Not even ones with beards!

I prefer smooth-shaven...
- No, Majesty, no gifts!

His work is done out of charitableness.
- Yes!

Sire, I am a charity!
- Yeah, donating sweaters!

Donating sweaters! What?
- Thank you.

You're welcome.
- What is that?

We took them...
- ?as a gift for you!

Me? Thank you.
- You're welcome.

They look just like mine.
- A case of mistaken identity.

Will you stop? Will you stop?
- But did you see...?

Stop!
We got away good this time!

Valorous
and disinterested Totokamen,

my army is ready for anything,
down to the last man.

Good!

They have no other wish than
to be massacred on your behalf.

Excellent, Your Majesty!
- Whose side are you on?

Thanks, Majesty!
Noble sentiments.

But I don't want an army,
troops to hinder my movements!

I need my hands free!

So I can give Maciste
a swelling this big! - See?

Believe me, Majesty,
I prefer to face him alone.

With my faithful
Tarantenkamen!

Me? Are you nuts?
- Shut up, I got a plan.

As you wish, as long as
you free me from Maciste.

Fine, Majesty, at the first
cock's crow, we leave.

No, not at the first!

OK, the second!
- Not the second!

When?
- Tonight, at sunset!

Why?
- Better for my plan.

Then, we shall
celebrate your departure.

Long live Totokamen!
- Long live Totokamen!

Long live me! Long live him!

Long live us!
- Long live Egypt!

By Osiris! Are you wounded?
- No.

Are you hurt?
- No.

See, Majesty?
His father saved him!

What father? It was...

He's invulnerable!
- Search out who did it!

And bring him to my presence!
- Yes, Majesty.

Let him be executed,
dead or alive!

What do you mean?

Well, it was my skin,
wasn't it?

My hero!
- What's that?

Depart...

and come back victorious.

What did he do?
- He knighted you.

No?
- It's a little stinky?

Majesty,
we go and shall return.

Need anything from the tobacconist?
- Sure, cigarettes! Let's go!

Let's go! Let's leave!

With a martial tone!

It's 5:00. Wake up Maciste.

One!

Two!
- Three!

Four!
- Five!

Greetings, O invincible
conqueror of Thebes!

Ah, good! We conquered Thebes.

No, Thebes is still far away,
but you will conquer it.

Even if you must
face the son of Amun.

The son of who?

The son of the god
Amun in the flesh.

He's the leader
of the Egyptian army.

I am the Son of Stone!

I am a mountain!

Maciste smash!

Darn!

By Osiris, I'm tired and hot.

We've been marching for a day,
and no sight of Maciste.

What Maciste?
Are you insane?

Do you think I gave
my word of honor

to fight against Maciste?
Are you crazy?

But we're going right
towards Maciste? - So?

Now we're turning left and
going straight on to Memphis.

To home?
- Home.

Thank goodness!
- Listen up.

What?
- Allow me to listen with my ear.

Do you listen with your nose?
- No, I mean...

Somebody must be following us.

Don't make me look.
Turn around and see.

Is somebody there?

There sure is somebody!
There's an army behind us!

Gimme a break,
you're seeing double!

Double? Look!

No, Pharaoh will hear about this.
This is a betrayal of trust.

He had us tailed!
- He had us tiled?

They were sent to tile us?
- Crazy!

You know what? Let's go back!

And I want to say
this right to his face!

Let's go.

Come on, be nice.
- Please, Totokamen, speak!

Why won't you answer?
- Answer him.

Was I disrespectful?
- Turn around, don't be rude.

Why doesn't he respond?
- He's mad at you, Majesty.

How come?
- You've wounded his pride.

Tell him. C'mon, tell him. Be nice!
- Please!

You want a candy?
- Take that!

I've wounded his pride?

You sent an army after him.
A lack of trust.

It was not because
I didn't trust him!

I did it to protect him.
- See?

I sent the flower
of my army after him.

What cock-and-sphinx
story is this?

I said I didn't want troops
because they get in my way!

I don't know how to fight with
an army behind or in front of me!

And I fight my own battles!

Even if the enemy's
name is Maciste!

I don't give a fart
about Maciste!

What were you thinking?

That I was
some third-rate soldier?

You know what I say, Pharaoh,

if that's the way it is, you and
your family can do the war!

There! Let's go.
- Calm down.

Let me take care of this,
Majesty.

I'll have him come round.

You can go to...

And what are these
two big babies doing here?

They're soldiers.
- Send them away!

These things only happen
in my kingdom.

You call these women?

You know I want only fat ones!

Take them away!

Out! Out!

Six fat women for the general!

Come on, hurry up!
- No, I don't want to!

Get moving!

Hurry!

Come on, keep going!

You too. Get inside!

Like always, the chiefs feast
on the best morsels.

And we hafta stand out here
cold, keeping watch.

Just look at this weathercock!

The earth is sinking
under our feet,

catastrophe looms,

our heads aren't
worth an Egyptian cent,

and what does this idiot do?

He plucks and picks,
picks and plucks. Your eye!

While I pluck and pick,
my mind is working.

Yes, like Klinglax, the laxative
it's always working!

You don't understand,
Maciste is approaching Thebes!

Why should I care?
- You don't?

But now the Pharaoh will
order you to fight Maciste.

I'm not going.
- Nice! Aren't you the son of Amun?

No more of this son of Amun!
I'm sick of it! I'll tell all!

I'm not the son of Amun!
I'm a foundling!

I don't know Amun!
I hate him! He makes me sick!

If he were here, I'd give him
two black eyes! You and him!

If the Pharaoh heard that
he'd cut off your head.

Let's not joke around!

You must tell him
that you cannot fight

without your parent's consent.

Listen to my plan.

Now, I'll go
before you to the temple...

Knock off that "O", please,
there's no place for that here.

No "O?" Don't like it?

I don't but it doesn't matter.
- OK, I got it.

Now then, I go before
you to the temple... - Eh.

Now "eh?"
- Excuse me, you said no "O."

Exclamations are annoying.
- Eh and O?

It's annoying.
- Got it.

I enter the temple,

and go hide myself
in the statue of the god Amun.

Ah!
- Please, stop with these vowels!

All the syllables?
- Yes, syllables are annoying.

I'll give up all the vowels!
And then?

I go inside the statue
of the god Amun...

Zed!
- Let me talk, please!

Let me speak!

When you arrive
with Pharaoh and his guards,

you shall advance
with a majestic gait,

and you'll direct yourself
quietly, safely,

with a contrite demeanor,

towards the statue
of the god Amun.

When you come to his feet,

in the most devout silence,

you will invoke your father

and I shall answer,
"You are my son

and the son of the god Amun

absolutely cannot
cross his sword

with a mere mortal.

Leave Maciste to me.

If he moves,
I'll strike him down!"

Well?
What do you think of my plan?

Magnificent! Extraordinary!

Fantastic!
- With all due modesty...

But look,
sometimes it's possible...

Sometimes what?
- No, I mean, sometimes...

You're speaking gibberish.
What do you mean?

Sometimes,
even a fool has a good idea!

Sure, joke around!

Divine son of the Divine Amun.
- What?

Maciste with his army
is at the gates of Thebes!

What do you intend to do?
- By Jove,

I intend to close the doors
and keep him outside!

If he knocks,
we'll say, "Nobody home!"

I think that now's the time
not to delay but to act.

In what sense?
- To fight,

face Maciste and kill him.

Easy to say!
- What?

He means that it would be
"easy to say" for his daddy.

He must give him permission.
- Right, I'm the offspring.

I've never heard
of this permission.

It's out of respect
for his father.

It's a duty.
- And if Amun says no?

Oh, well...

Why should you doubt it,
O Divine One?

Your father is a wise god.

I'm sure he'll approve
or provide for it himself.

How?
- How?

With a storm, a flood,
a cyclone, a bubonic plague,

an earthquake, a rain shower,
a drizzle!

There are so many ways.

If that's so,
we'll leave you alone,

so you can so speak
with him calmly.

Just like that? Well...

Most Just, impossible.
- Right.

His father must be called with
a great ceremony in the temple.

By Jove!

With great pomp!
- Great pomp!

Pom... pom... pom...
- Great pomp. - Great chomp!

Not chomp, pomp!
- Not pomp, chomp!

My daddy doesn't chomp...
He doesn't do anything!

He's on a diet!

All of you must hear what
what his daddy says! - Right.

When will
the ceremony take place?

Well, there's no rush. When?
- Soon, O Divine One.

Are you ready?

Very ready.
- Even right now.

Arrange for the ceremony!
- Go on.

Come, O Divine One.
- Definitely.

Hey, you!

How did you manage to get in?

The door was open, that's how.

You can't. What do you want?

I'd like to pray
to my friend's father.

Sorry, but you can't.

Look, it's an urgent prayer,
a question of life and death.

Orders of the Pharaoh,
the ceremony's about to begin.

And now?
- What?

I meant... he's coming now.

Who?
- He who...

must come...

Off with you!
Come back after the ceremony.

One moment, I must speak,
I must speak inside.

O God help us!

Behold your father.
- Where?

Papa!

Where is he?

Don't you recognize
the image of your father

carved in stone? Behold.

Right, there he is!

My father!
Blood is thicker than water!

Go forth
and invoke his permission,

and if he is favorable,
ask his protection.

Sure. Daddy?

God-Daddy?

Can you hear me?

Speak, my beloved son!

Daddy,
I'm asking is that really you?

Sure, but come closer, my son.

I can't hear you from there.
- No?

See,
he's a bit deaf at his age.

Come forward!
- May I?

Of course.
- Daddy!

Stop right there! That's good.
- Yes, Daddy.

I must battle against Maciste,

may I destroy him
or will you take care of him?

No, you must take care of him.

Pops, there's a slight
misunderstanding.

Or maybe, it was me
who wasn't clear enough.

I was saying, that Maciste,
shall I destroy him

or leave him to you?

I understood you very well.

I might be your father
but I'm no ding-a-ling!

I said go forth, fight,

make your ancestors proud.

Behave yourself like a hero.

Now you shall receive
a sign of my protection.

Thanks.

Take two steps to the left.

Right away.

No, my son,
that's not the left!

Ah, right, sorry.

That's too much!
Don't step back, come forward!

Is here OK?

A miracle! A miracle!

The god Amun is with us!

He sent the sword of victory

to defeat Maciste
and his soldiers.

Here is your sword,
Divine Totokamen.

Go with complete confidence,
you have passed the test.

Genuflect before
your father's statue,

thank him, in the name
of the Theban people,

for the grace he has bestowed.
- Yes. I go forth.

Daddy!

Daddy?

Daddy, I thank you
and bow before you.

Divine One!

Divine One.

Who is it?
- Me.

Daddy, where are you?
- Next to you.

I'm right next to you. I'm here!
- Where are you?

Damn scoundrel,
I'm only alive by a miracle.

Another centimeter and that
sword would've pierced my skull.

I didn't do anything.
I couldn't, I was prevented.

Prevented?
- Yes, I was.

Then it wasn't you who
spoke through the statue?

No.
- But?

But then... I really am...
the son of Amun!

What son?
- Yes, Amun's son.

Don't be fooled,
it was a trick.

A trick?
- Yes.

You're the trickster!
- Wretch, up to now,

you've hidden the secret
of my mysterious birth.

See? Daddy gave me this sword.
Thank you, Daddy.

Daddy, don't listen to him.
He's an annoying jerk.

Daddy, thank you,
I am no longer a foundling!

You know what I say?

Maciste,
your final hour has come!

What time is it?

I dunno.
- He doesn't know!

Let a messenger
be sent at once

to Maciste with this news:

First, let the weapons
of the Egyptian soldiers,

be plunged into
the softest parts

of the so called
strongest man in the world,

meaning Maciste!

Don't go overboard!
- Leave this to me.

Second, the Pharaoh,
whom I protect,

may have the satisfaction

of using the skin of Maciste
to make bedside rugs!

Don't go overboard!
- Leave this to me.

Third and last! Third and last!
- Are you selling ties?

I'm selling ties!
Cancel that.

Third and last, people, I,

as a true and authentic
son of the god Amun,

will have the satisfaction
of lunching,

breakfasting and dining

on the giblets
of the aforesaid Maciste!

Don't go overboard.
- I'm invincible!

Unbeatable! Immortal!

I just have to lift this sword

and anyone may fall
dead at my feet!

You went overboard.
- Holy cow!

24,011...
- Maciste.

24,012, 24,013...
- Maciste!

What do you want?
What are you doing here?

I came here to beg you
to lay down your arms.

Did your father send you?
Or that coward Totokamen?

But you can't fight
the son of Amun.

He'll kill you!

Know that all
the gods put together

could never
bring down Maciste!

I am the Son of Stone!

I don't recognize you anymore.

Come to your senses, Maciste.
I love you.

Do it for our love.

What love are
you talking about?

I love your stepmother.
- No!

It's not true, Maciste!
It's not possible!

I will sit besides her
on the throne

after conquering Egypt.

She promised me.

Now, I understand:

that witch, with her spells,

has made you
an instrument of her ambition.

She has destroyed our love.
But I beg you,

I beg you, Maciste,
come back to yourself.

Don't speak ill of
the beautiful Pharaoh!

It's she who I love, not you.

Get out.

Get out!

Go away!

24,019, 24,020, 24,021...

Am I disturbing you?
- Yes.

Why do you love me so much,
Daughter of the Moon?

Father,
she is responsible for all.

She is the cause of my
and your misfortunes!

What is this
crazy girl saying?

I'm saying that
you bewitched Maciste

with one of
your wicked potions.

You promised the throne and
yourself if he killed Father!

This accusation is serious.
Justify yourself, my lady!

You believe her and not me?
Your sweet bride?

Careful, father, this woman
continues to deceive you.

You deceive him.
Who told you this vile lie?

Maciste.
- Maciste here? Where is he?

No, I went to his camp.

Hear that? While you were
worried about your people,

she goes to the enemy's camp

to plot against you!
- Lies!

Guards!
- That's a lie, my father!

Unworthy daughter!
- Don't believe her!

Imprison this woman!
- What? Princess Nefertiti?

Yes.

Father, you do believe her?

But I don't...
- I'm your wife, your lady,

your haven, my warrior.

Arrest the princess.

You're wrong, Father!
My poor father!

Now go.

Go and get some rest.

Adbula, kabdula, cenala, filius, Amun.
- Amun.

Amun, palos, filobus, benedictus. Amun.
- Amun.

Amos, Athos, Porthos,
Aramis, bene...

Tarantenkamen. Tarantenkamen!

What is it?
- Knock off the incense.

How many times must I tell you
that I'm "incensed" enough?

Fine.

Thank you. Thank you.

What are you doing?
You're gonna fall.

It's heavy,
I must get used to it.

Say, Tarantenkamen?
- Yes?

Did you put on the armor?
- No.

Put the armor on him!
- Why?

Because the hour
of trial approaches.

Must I arm too?
- Yes.

Because ours is
no simple trial!

What is it then?
- It's a Nile trial!

I don't want to be tried, do it alone.
- Thanks a bunch.

I've always shared
everything with you,

and even at this moment,

I want to share with your
the honors and the glories!

You got your armor on?
- Yeah.

Are you armed?
- Yes, Sir.

Then we're off!

Gentlemen, all aboard!

Get me something
to sharpen my teeth!

A stone to loosen
my pectoral muscles!

Don't offer me that pebble!

It's an insult!
I want a bigger one!

They are your men!

That's right.
- Maciste! Maciste!

The enemy advances!
We must make a battle plan!

Maciste, Maciste,
are you thinking?

No.
- Then why are you like that?

Listen, ask me to smash
a mountain but not to think.

I'm not used to it!

All right.
Listen to me, Maciste,

that Totokamen will lead
the Theban army,

behind him, he'll have
cavalry and infantry.

A common strategy.

Is that our strategy too?
- No.

You'll stay
at the back of our line.

Why? I want to go up against
that jackass right away!

Remember,
he's the son of Amun!

If he should overcome
our cavalry and infantry,

when he comes to you,
he'll be worn out. Get it?

Nope.
- I knew it.

Don't do anything.

Follow my advice
and you'll be fine.

Listen up.

Hurry, the enemy's here!
- Ah, it's time!

Remember, stay in the rear.

Totokamen will fall
into our trap.

Thebans,

salute in Totokamen,

the commander of the empire!

To-To-ka-men!
To-To-ka-men!

Thebans of Thebes,

soldiers,

those recalled for duty
and exempt from service!

Not the exempt.
- Scratch that!

Those guys are
staying at home!

I have assembled you,

in this public desert,

to announce to you the time
for the victory has arrived!

People of Thebes,

do you want to fight
against the Assyrian,

the secular enemy
of our people?

Yes!
- Good.

Do you trust me... ouch...

Keep going.
- ...as your leader?

Yes!

People of Thebes,

you know that war entails

many sacrifices
and every kind of "libation?"

Here comes the bartender...
- Has the bartender come?

No!

The bartender's not here! Keep quiet!
- Keep going!

So then,

Thebans,

Thebans!

Tibetans!
- Vegans!

Vegans!
- Get your veggies here!

We're not at the market! Shut up!
- Keep going.

Thebans!

We have spears, swords,

arrows, firecrackers...

Noisemakers and fried dough.
- Noisemakers and fried dough!

And with
these powerful weapons,

I say powerful weapons, we...

we will break their kidneys!

Whose kidneys?

Maciste and his men!
- Bravo.

Rocco and His Brothers!
- No!

Valiant Theban soldiers,

my father up there...
- Watch where you're going!

...watches and protects you!
Arm yourselves,

and go forth. I follow later!
- What do you mean?

Keep quiet.

Forward!
- Go forth.

Go forth!

You messed up everything
with that speech you made.

Let's go, Maciste awaits!
- For you, not me!

Chicken!

Follow me,
so you can tell your posterity

about the clash between two giants.
- OK.

You proceed on foot.
I'll follow in the chariot.

Crikey, these guys are slicing
each other like onions!

Deputy General, would you like
the honor of laying low this Assyrian?

My rank won't permit it.
I can only lay low colonels and up!

Keep up the good work!

Deputy General!

Oh, Deputy General, I
spotted an enemy general.

He went that way?
- Yes.

I'm going this way.
Thanks for the info!

Deputy General, where are you going?
That's not the way!

Mind your own damn business!

Take this, you nasty things!
Take this!

And that! Victory!

Father, you are on our side!

May I, cadaver?

Bingo!

I got a five-in-a-row.

Where is Totokamen?
When is he coming?

Soon, Maciste, right now
he's fighting our vanguard.

I can't stand it anymore!

I can't stand it!

My muscles are vibrating!

If I don't let loose,
I'll burst!

Then go!

After all, Totokamen
has been fighting long,

he must be exhausted.

Here I am, Totokamen!
Your time has come!

Daddy, I thank you!

Vile coward, turn around!

And look at me while
I send you to the other world!

Who do I see?

My son!

Your son?
- Yes.

Are you Amun?
- What Amun?

Don't you recognise me?
I'm your father.

You lie through your teeth!
- Totokamen,

my very handsome boy,
behold me,

I am Sabachi. Sabachi!

Your poor daddy who emigrated
to Assyria when you were a tyke.

You lie through your teeth!
My mother united with a god!

What she did after I left,
I don't know...

No insults!

You don't believe me?
- No.

You want proof?
- Yes.

You have a mole.
- Where?

To the left
of your belly-button.

That's right.
How did you know?

I told you I'm your father.

Ah, right.

What is that screeching?
A werewolf?

No, the war-cry of Maciste.
- Damn, what a nasty cry!

What do we do now?
- Flee, my son!

And what'll you do?
- Flee with you.

Desert?
- Desert.

In the desert?
- The desert.

I'm deserting too, let's go!

Every man for himself!

Who goes there?
- I surrender!

I surrender first.
- Is that you?

What are you doing?
- Fleeing.

Where? Why?
- The battle's getting fierce.

And your father?
- He fled too.

Your father fled? What?
- I'll explain it later.

Let's go, they're advancing.
- I'm not advancing anything!

They're coming
and we must hide.

Where can we hide?
They're after us?

A trunk!
- Maciste?

No, an empty tree trunk.
Let's get inside.

Squeeze in!
I'll squeeze in after you.

Forward!

Attack!

You running away? Coward!

Now, it's our turn!

Divine Amun,

I know the sword
you gave your son

falls on our enemies
with the power of lightning.

I know he advances

with a mighty and destructive
fury of a thousand hurricanes.

However, please,
keep helping him.

Powerful Pharaoh!

I come from the city bastions.

Tell us what happened.
They're advancing, right?

God Amun, I thank you.

No, my lord,
they're retreating.

Retreating?
- They're already at our walls.

But Totokamen?
He, at least, is resisting?

No, he's retreating
before them all.

Retreating?

Then... then Thebes is lost!

The Assyrians will
massacre us!

Don't despair, my sweet,
we're protected by Amun.

Don't mention him again!

I'll have him taken
from the calendar.

Go!
Let my daughter out of jail.

If we all must die,

I want my daughter
to die with me,

at her father's side.

Now, now, Pharaohs don't cry.

What will people say?
You must set an example.

Carry yourself with courage,
like me.

I know that you are
noble and proud,

but I do not despair
because of my fate.

I know how to die as a Pharaoh.
- And me a Pharaoh's wife.

Father!
What is happening, my father?

Maciste is at our doors
and our army is in flight.

Come, my daughter,
share my fate.

Cursed be the day?

Maciste escaped!

But how long ago was that?

It'll be a month tomorrow.
- Wrong, today the month ends.

Impossible, I kept count.
- Me too.

Me too, but love marks
time better than any calendar.

He left on the 1st, today's
the 30th, tomorrow the 31st...

Apart from the fact that

"30 days has November"
and we're in November,

could you tell me why

you're so interested
if it's been a month or not?

The effect has
only few hours left.

What?
- I meant "affection."

A few more hours of affection
left and then the end.

The Assyrians!

The Assyrians are coming!
Shut the windows and doors!

1, 2, 3... ready or not,
here he comes! What is it?

Totokamen? You here?

You shall answer for your behavior!
- What's the matter?

You ask this of me?

A war tribunal will judge you
as a deserter before the enemy.

Put him to death!

Hey! Enough of that!
What's with this "death?"

In a while, we shall all die
"in a condominium!"

This temple will
become a morgue!

You betrayed your father!
- No!

You're a traitor,
pusillanimous!

Watch your mouth!
- You retreated!

You're a "fool omnibus,"
not me!

I didn't retreat.
Mine was a strategic retreat!

Be aware that was just
my knocking on the door!

Where are you, Totokamen?

Where are you hiding,
Toad of the Desert?

What is it? What do you want?
Who called you?

Prepare to die!

I will crush you
like an insect!

Saint Gennaro!

Saint Gennaro!

Come, don't lose heart,
you're going strong!

Can't you see
his legs are stiff?

Try not to take any hits,
got it?

Work on his liver.

What?
- His liver!

Use footwork, a fake punch,
then get him with a one-two.

And if the second doesn't arrive...
- Take the bus.

You meet him halfway.

What?
- Halfway!

Me? Are you crazy?
- No, you gotta do it.

I'm not used to it.
- When he comes in, quickly...

Take the express.
- When do you arrive?

Tomorrow and he's screwed.

I'll be right behind here,
don't worry.

Why did you interrupt them?
The potion might wear off.

I didn't interrupt them,
I did that without thinking.

There he is!

I said you're dead!

It's no use running away.

Just wait until
I grab you by the neck!

Son of a dog!

Are you there, coward?

Keep still,
you're making me fall!

What are you doing up there?
Stand still!

Get down!
- I can't, I'm really busy!

You need to come down
if you want to fight.

Get over here!
Come down, if you have guts!

Come down here!
- I'm not that stupid.

You come up.
- No, you must come down.

I won't come up!

Behold,
I shall make you come down!

Maciste smash
and then you'll see!

Maciste!
- No!

Maciste, my love,
how are you feeling?

Are you hurt?

My love, where am I?
What happened?

I don't remember anything.

Don't try to save yourself
by saying you don't remember.

You are a traitor!

No, my Pharaoh!
That's not true, I swear it!

They bewitched him.

It was them!
- It was!

No!

It was him!
- It was her!

So this how you loved me,
Daughter of the Moon?

But where is Totokamen?
- Right.

Where is Totokamen?
Where is my savior?

Totokamen!

Hey! Tarantenkamen, wake up!

You see what Edoardo's doing?
- What?

What?
How many time must I tell you,

"Wash the donkey's head and
waste the soap!" - What is it?

Did you teach
the donkey to eat eggs?

Now we don't have any lunch,
OK?

It's your fault. It always is

because you just want
to do as you like!

We were well off there,

in the Pharaoh's good graces,

we were in a palace,
had anything we wanted,

and I don't understand why
you wanted to go. - Really?

You don't know why?
- No.

Because we are wanderers,

our life is out in the open,
free as the birds, independent!

We were lucky enough
to tame Maciste.

We were lucky enough to
tame Maciste? This braggart!

It was me who tamed him, no?
- Fine, it's the same thing.

No,
you had nothing to do with it.

Hey!
Did you do those jumps or me?

Speaking of those jumps,

let me ask you one thing.
- You, stop.

You've always had flat feet
since I've known you.

No insults, eh?
- Always a sluggard,

getting you to move
was like pulling teeth.

What made you do those jumps?

The courage of fear!

Take the pot.
- I didn't think of that.

Take the pot!
Edoardo, let's go!

What Edoardo? His name is
Francesco. Eduardo? Ciccio.

Edoardo.
- Yeah, Edoardo.

He changes his name
and then says he won't move.

Slow down.

Just as he had
mysteriously appeared,

Totokamen the Divine,
left the land of Egypt.

And it was believed
with reason

that he went
to his great father

on a winged
chariot of the sun.

English subtitles
by sineintegral@KG