Totò, Peppino e i fuorilegge (1956) - full transcript
Antonio and Peppino live in a small town in central Italy: Peppino is the barber, Totò is maintained by the rich but avaricious wife Teresa.
POLICE SIREN
- What happened ? - The bandit,
lady! - Ignazio the Press, huh?
- Always him ! - He
took revenge on a spy last night.
We can't take it anymore!
- Here we go. - Good morning.
- Health, Donna Teresa.
- Hello Mom.
- Good morning, Valeria.
(TERESA) Rosina!
Lady, stay here! I was worried
with all these soldiers around.
They are not military, they
are the police.
What does that have to do with anything ? They also
pinch, they are young men!
- Madam, will they take them this time?
- Let's hope !
But who knows
how much more we will have to suffer.
Is it true that brigands, when
they take someone, torture them?
But what tortures!
They just want the money.
Here it is. I've been stocking
up all week.
It is best to buy everything in bulk
so you can save money.
This is the cake for Sunday,
keep everything and lock it.
Now I'll give you something else.
These are the beans for tonight.
There are 97, last time
we did 100,
but they hurt us and I took away
3. What are you doing?
I was making coffee
for Mr. Antonio.
Mr. Antonio
wakes up at this time!
Hey! How much do you put?
You want him badly!
Now I'll show you how much
Don Antonio must drink. Here it is.
That's okay,
close everything and keep.
I'll bring it to him, he's very happy
if I bring it to him.
Rosina!
Is this coffee coming or not?
How many times do I have to say
that I want to be obeyed?
- I'm in charge of this house, right?
- No !
Exactly, not me, the
one who commands is you.
You are the mistress, you have the scepter.
There are people who get angry
when they don't have coffee in bed.
But I say,
is it worth getting angry? No !
Coffee, either they give it to you before
or they give it to you later, it's always coffee.
It's the same.
- Teresa ...
- What is it?
- This is half a cup. - It's too
much for a sleeper like you.
I'm a sleeper and would have to ingest a
lot of coffee to be awake
- A lot of coffee is bad for you. - It
hurts me ! - Too much coffee is bad!
What's up ?
- It's a ciofeca!
- It's bitter. - Unsweetened !
Have you forgotten about diabetes?
- Diabetes? - Yes.
- Are you crazy?
- So I have it?
- I've never had diabetes.
Oh yes ! My father was affected.
Then you are affected too,
the diseases are hereditary.
I look like my mother, I
am maternal.
- My mother was healthy as a fish.
- I understand, you are maternal.
- Rosina. - (ROSINA) Madam. - Bring
the sugar bowl. - (ROSINA) Right away!
- We need a little more sugar.
- Teresina! - What's up ?
- You went out ? - Yes. - Do you dare
to go out alone, without me?
- Do I have to go out with you?
- Are you crazy?
- Because ? - The countryside
is overrun with bandits.
- They don't do anything to me.
- They don't hurt you?
You are the tastiest morsel in
the country.
- Because ?
- Because ? Because we are rich!
We are ? I am rich.
- You are rich and I am poor, we are
the rich and the poor. - I'm rich.
You have the goods, I love you ...
It's all a family kindness.
But what family benevolence?
I don't like this commonality.
Teresa, listen and CONVENE ME.
If the bandits, we make the horns,
kidnap you,
- who should pay the ransom?
- You with my money.
Here's the sugar bowl, lady.
Give me, here, a moment.
I have to see something.
- What's up ?
- There is no more.
What ?
There are thieves in the house,
they stole the sugar.
- But who would steal the sugar?
- I put the mark.
- The sign ? - Yes.
- What did you wear?
- I put a fly in the sugar.
- Aaahh!
- When the lid is lifted,
the fly flies. - Fly.
Now what has flown? Nothing !
The fly has already flown before.
- It is allowed ? - Who is it ? What's up ?
- The electricity bill.
Uuuhh!
Even the electricity bill!
Here, I come.
Dammela.
- I paid for it the other day.
- No, he paid for it the other month.
(TERESA) Wait, let me see.
3,000 lire?
- Moscow, huh? But not the one
that flew. - (TERESA) But that's a lot!
> Madam, there is the TV,
the water heater ...
My 3,000 lira ...
Since there is a television
in this house,
there is an
incredible consumption of electricity .
Damn when they gave us
that device!
I'm going to get the money,
with permission. Wait a moment.
(TERESA) Mamma mia, 3,000 lire!
Aaahh!
To us!
Poor dreamer ! The money is here.
But what an illusion!
I leaned near the
drawer, slipped with my hand
- and I went into the trap.
- Who goes to these seas ...
These traps takes.
Can you take it off me, please?
Now I'd leave it
to you until lunchtime.
The Chinese cut off the stealing hand.
- Ah!
- Dai. - Aaahh!
You are worse than the Chinese.
Here.
- Sir, come out.
- Yes, ma'am.
How hot !
Rosina, do you want to stake 50 lire?
- Lord, you always win.
- What does that have to do with anything ?
- It depends on how the wheel turns. - The
wheel always turns on your side.
This month you have already won me
650 lire.
What do you want them to be? Tricks!
Come on, 50 lire.
Right away, on your feet.
- Have you seen? - Yes.
- Get it right.
I shuffle the cards.
No makeup, huh?
- This !
- Yes, I knew it.
So it's 700 ...
Why are you hanging around in the kitchen?
I came to the kitchen
to smell the smells.
- There are no smells here.
- I know.
Rosina,
take the plate of appetizers.
- Appetizers ? - Yes.
- Then it will rain today.
No, I made the appetizer because
I didn't make the second dish.
- Ah! It seemed strange.
- It seemed odd.
It seems to me that it is enough, right?
Either one or the other.
Either the appetizer or the main course.
Teresa, do you
think this would be the appetizer?
- Isn't that an appetizer?
- Three olives. - Three olives.
How many people are we at the table?
Three people, one olive each.
Yes, then the olive is heavy, it hurts.
- Mmmm !
- What have you got there?
- The wisdom tooth.
- The wisdom tooth?
- The wisdom tooth. - Are you
growing up now? - What pain!
- What pain!
- Let me see.
Come here, I want to see you.
I was choking!
- It passed me. - Has it passed you?
- The pain is gone.
- Suddenly ? - Yes.
- It's not possible.
Do you want to know better than me
that I am the master of pain?
- The master of pain. - Don't tell
heresies! - The master of pain ...
- Stop ! Nobody comes out!
- What happened ?
- An olive is missing. - It is not possible.
- There were three, now there are two.
- Take out the olive.
- But who took it? - I do not know.
- Where is the third olive?
- Aren't they three?
No, there are two.
- You do not see ? There is not.
- Did you get the olive?
- Who took it?
- It will have fallen. - Fell ?
What a combination!
Your own fell.
- Here we go. - Are you sure
it was mine?
- Antonio!
- Immediately !
- Aren't you dressed? - I can't do this,
I need an undergarment.
- What undergarment?
- You see ? You are already angry.
- I'm not angry, what should I give you?
- I need a clean shirt.
- I just gave you
a clean shirt. - 15 days ago!
Do you want to wear a shirt
for less than 15 days?
- How long do I have to wear it?
- At least for a month!
- A month ? - The laundry
is damaged if it is washed too much.
- Yeah, it spoils.
- Sure.
- Mine got too dirty and I
need to change it. - All right.
I take the shirt.
- Here's the new shirt.
- Thanks.
I do not understand,
15 days, a shirt!
A clean person
wears it for at least 2 months.
- I'm clean, so I'll
wear it for 6 months. - Humorous !
If a person takes
a bath in the morning , the shirt does not get dirty.
But at my age I can go
around ... Do you think it's a shirt?
- Don't you like the cut?
- Cutting ? It's all cut up.
If I feel bad and they take off
my jacket, what do I look like?
- Do you think this is a shirt?
- What you see is a shirt.
What you do not see
is useless to do, it is wasted cloth.
- Hey!
- Who is it ?
- Good morning.
- What he wants ? Who are you looking for?
- Excuse me if I drove in here
, but ... - What car?
- It's not a Mercedes, but ...
- You can also see it with the naked eye.
- What does he want ? - Well ...
It's a little delicate.
Go ahead, but hurry up
because I'm busy .
- Law ? - No.
- So what are you doing? - Study.
- Are you a journalist?
- It shows ?
Damn !
I was hoping to look like a hunter ...
In short, quite another thing!
All the reporters who come here
want to look like something else,
- that's why they recognize each other immediately.
- Dog fate!
- You too came to interview
Ignazio il Torchio. - Yup.
- Nobody has done it yet.
- I have to do it.
- Because ?
- My manager told me:
- '' Alberto ... '' Alberto is me.
Alberto Lavia. - Pleasure.
He told me: `` Alberto,
if you don't bring me the interview,
I'll throw you in the middle of the street. ''
- How old is he ?
- 57. - He wears them well!
- But I'm talking about her.
- Ah! 26.
- Wife? Sons ? - No.
- Fortunately! - Because ?
At least it will remain alone on the road.
- Thanks for the good wishes.
- Please, what can I do for you?
Tracking these
bandits, you know the area.
Do you think it's easy?
Even the police can't.
They hide from the police,
but what can they fear from me?
If I could get close
to their hiding place!
If she succeeds, they
will certainly not show themselves to her.
But I have a plan, look.
TOWARDS OF THE NIGHTINGONE FROM THE WHISTLE
- The nightingale. It's cool, huh?
- But what does it have to do with the bandits?
- What month is it ?
- We are in October.
The bandits know that
nightingales don't sing in October .
Then they'll think: '' It's someone
making a signal.
Let's go see
who this idiot is. ''
- They go out and find her.
- Exactly.
Excuse me, but you are the most
candid man I have ever met.
- I look a bit stupid, right?
- No.
- Certain ingenuity is almost
tenderness. - Then he'll help me.
Before arriving at the stream
there is a path that no one knows.
The entrance is hidden by an old
oak, I discovered it as a child.
I went up to the woods
to pick mushrooms.
Try there, maybe it's the right way.
Thanks, I'll go there today.
Go now,
so he'll let me study.
- See you later.
- Good luck.
And don't be imprudent.
Sit ...
If I find something important,
can I come and tell him tonight?
Yes, but provided that it is indeed
something very important.
Sure, goodbye.
See you later.
Professor, is that okay?
Unfortunate, what have you done?
You ruined me!
- Don Peppino, come here.
- Say, professor.
- Look at what a masterpiece!
- What did he do ? - Watch.
- He told me '' all'Umberto ''.
- So ? - Umberto takes them like this.
- Which Umberto? - The
washerwoman's son who came out of reform school.
Imbecile!
This you misunderstood, professor.
Take a seat,
I'll make them longer.
I put in some grease ...
But don't worry,
they look good on you.
He has brought out your features,
you have the delicate features.
- And then the head stays cool.
- Yes and winter is coming.
Exactly ... it's fresh.
- I have a cool head.
- This guy...
He knows how to do
Umberto hair well ,
but as soon as the subscription ends,
I won't come in here anymore!
- The subscription has already ended.
- Since when ? - For a month.
That's why I didn't want to go there!
Come here, you idiot,
so you ruin my clientele.
So you ruin my clientele.
Do you want to be a hairdresser?
Ours is a mission, remember!
We are missionaries.
It is a mission of civilization.
I don't want to see you, go away!
Did you understand ? Go away !
Don't look me in the face. Ignorant!
Imbecile, he
doesn't even know who Umberto is.
That's the best customer and he has
the motorcycle too, you fool!
- Bad barber, is there a lot
to wait? - But there is none.
As always.
- Then why are you asking?
- These are words that are said.
When you go to the barber shop you say:
'Is there a long time to wait?'
Questions to waste time.
Boy !
- Give it to me. - No.
- Give it to me, I'll keep it.
I see you a little nervous.
- No, but with that ...
- Nice that calendar!
Look.
- Look over there. - What am I looking at?
- The calendar, is it new?
- Yes, it's new.
- It's very beautiful.
You also put in the new card!
- Forget the card, I need it.
- I need it too.
What do you have to do?
Sometimes I'm away from home, I have to
pack a few, something ...
New purchases, huh?
- New purchases!
- It's good stuff, it defies the ages.
- Where did you buy it ?
- A salesman brought it to me ...
- Defy the centuries? They screwed you.
- But ... - They screwed you.
- This is better. - It's more
resistant. - It's more resistant.
It's rhino bone.
That's what the ...
- You can smell the forest.
- This is tough.
- Then you do it on purpose.
- He gave you the stuff you don't need.
- But you have iron hands.
- (ANTONIO) Iron hands!
How sad this shop is!
How sad!
- Now I'll put the ballet on.
- Oh yes ? Will you put the ballet in there?
- It is the country that is sad.
- It's true, it's different in Rome.
In any barber shop
you will find modern comfort.
- Sure.
- Radio, magazines, newspapers ...
Manicure !
- That's Rome. - Not only in Rome,
in all of Romagna!
Other people, other history, other
lineage, other way of thinking ...
- The Romagna empire ... is what
it was. - Roma the master of the world !
We from
Romagna have commanded the world .
- Were you born in Rome? Are you ROMANESE?
- No.
- You said ... - Okay,
but we're Italians. - I know.
- Would you like to go to Rome?
- Yup.
- Why don't you go there? - It's not
easy. - Do you have the money? - No.
- So ... - You give them to me.
- How can I do ?
My wife doesn't
even leave a penny in my pocket.
By the way, you owe me 10 beards,
2 haircuts and a shampoo.
- This is a detail!
- It's an important detail.
- I know, but it's a detail.
- Take a seat.
Peppino, we
've known each other for a long time, give me the tu.
- I don't dare, for heaven's sake!
- Come on, give me some tu.
Dai! Dai!
Okay ... sit down.
- I can't, but ... sit down.
- Peppino, you told me '' sit down ''.
- Sit down.
- To me ? Are you calling me you?
- How dare you ?
- You said: '' Let's talk about you ''.
- When ? - Now.
- Now ? - I wouldn't have allowed myself.
- If I told you ...
- Yes!
- But don't take advantage of it.
- There is nobody. - All right.
Accomodatevi.
I knew it ! I knew it !
I knew it ! Blessed God!
- But it's your fault. - '' The place
is sad ''. And it's always in here.
The fault is yours, but don't be angry.
- Take this into account too.
- But I'm jealous of my stuff.
Another mistake.
In Rome, barbers are not jealous.
- If I could go to Rome
to have fun ... - Maybe!
- Seven, eight days of vacation ...
A week-UENDS. - That ?
A weekend.
I have half an idea.
I have half an idea,
but you should COOPERATE ME.
- That ?
- You should COAD ME.
- What is it?
- You should help me!
- All right. - You should become
my accomplice, I run.
- Is that honest?
- Very honest.
- So ? - My wife
doesn't get a penny.
But if the prospect
of making a deal is presented to her, she opens the bag.
(ANTONIO) Tonight you'll come to
my house for lunch , then I'll explain.
With you I would like to settle everything.
I'd like to settle
that beard business.
- Those are ...
- No, now I'll take care of it.
- I marked it ...
- I'll take care of it.
- Now we play them.
- I lose with this game.
When you lose, you have to insist
because then the right time comes.
- This is your turn. -
I don't like this game, that's how you lose!
It depends on how the wheel turns,
it's your turn.
Choose your card.
- Choose the card.
- I play.
- And play!
- All ! - All. - All !
- Here.
- Look at her well.
- Stop!
- I will not move.
- Did you see her ? Do you remember her?
Put it in the deck. - Melee.
- Immediately !
- Now, here!
Don't be afraid, I have nothing.
So ...
It's this one.
You lost.
I didn't want to play, I knew it.
I have one more thing to tell you.
You're coming to lunch tonight, right?
Do you know what system
my wife came up with when she got a guest?
- No.
- I'll explain everything, you need to know ...
- Good evening, Don Peppino.
- Who is it ? - It's me.
Teresa, the '' Figaro '' has arrived!
- Our welcome guest.
- (PEPPINO) Thank you.
Oh ! Accomodatevi !
I'm glad you came.
The water is on the fire, everything is ready,
now we sit at the table.
- What did you bring? - 200 grams
of spaghetti, two sausages,
- and the apple. - That's all
... - Everything.
-
That's all ... - Yes.
Sorry,
I have to tell my husband something.
- Didn't you tell him anything?
- I told him.
- He brought food
just for him. - He misunderstood.
So what do I do? I lose
the water, the fire, the seasoning,
the appetizer, the manufacture
for its beautiful face?
- He misunderstood.
- You didn't explain it well.
Peppino, you do certain things to me ...
- Because ? I do not understand.
- You do not understand anything.
- What did I do wrong ?
- One invites you to lunch
and you bring only the food for you.
What are we doing ? The games?
We put in the water, the fire,
the seasoning, the manufacturing
and the famous appetizers
that my wife makes.
- But you said: '' Bring the
food. '' - Food, generic!
Ah, '' eat '' ... Don't '' eat '' ...
Eating is eating, it
is feed.
My wife has a custom, when
a guest comes, it is done in the Roman style.
We put hot water
and the guest brings ...
- Now how do you do it?
- Everything is fixed.
- Only for death there is no remedy.
- For charity !
- It is the habit of the house - You
came with your bicycle, right?
- Yes. - Take your bike
and go to town,
but you have to take a run.
- Buy two kilos of sausages,
two kilos are enough? - Yup.
- Do you want a side dish?
- Yes, the fries.
Buy half a kilo of potatoes.
Half a kilo of potatoes, two kilos
of sausages and two kilos of pasta.
Whether they are bucatini,
my wife likes '' bucatina ''.
- How do we do it? - With butter.
- Do you like butter? - No.
- We do. - We like it.
- Buy half a kilo of butter.
- Fruit ? - Yes. - Assorted.
Fresh or dry? - Fresh.
- My wife likes bananas,
buy half a kilo of bananas. - Grapes!
Bananas, grapes for us.
You have the apple, you don't need it.
- Wine? - There is not.
- Buy two bottles of wine.
- It is not too much ? - No,
we save it for tomorrow. - Yup.
- Do you have the money in your pocket?
- Yes. - Go, my son.
I buy ... Yeah!
- So ... here. The sausages ...
- Hurry up. - The Apple...
- The apple, keep it for him.
- Roman style. - Roman style.
Go, hurry.
Peppino, hurry up
because the water is boiling.
I have served you.
- At the table ! -
You never get old at the table . - Here it is.
- I made little pasta because
I don't eat any in the evening . - Enjoy your meal.
In the evening it is heavy for me.
Lady, they made a joke on me,
they chained my cutlery.
- No, it's my wife's custom when
there is a guest. - I'm silver.
- Thanks for the thought.
- You're welcome.
So, Teresa ...
- It's the chain, it's chained.
- I know.
- But I have to eat.
- I lend him my fork.
- No, I can't lend it to you.
- I make do. - Arrange.
Teresa,
our friend Peppino,
present here, as you can see,
- he accepted our invitation to
lunch ... - And I am grateful to you.
Peppino, please!
He would like to offer you a deal,
- a big deal!
- To me ?
- Yes, to you.
- Be...
As you well know, he ...
- Who is it ?
- He who? - He what?
- Who is he?
- He you! - Ah, me!
- I said him, he. - I heard
"he". - I was speaking in the second person.
Ah !
- You know that ... - We are
first. - Exactly. You know he
- is an experienced hairdresser. -
What an expert! - No, you're good.
Don't make me angry, you are expert.
I tell you that I have traveled the world.
He is an experienced hairdresser.
He would like to open
a large shop in Rome ,
a spectacular thing, a palace!
- No ! Three ... - Three buildings!
- Three buildings?
- Not three buildings, one.
- A three building ... - One!
- A shop with three buildings. - I'd like to
talk. - You make me confused.
- Let me do the talking.
- A three-door shop.
- A palazzo against the door?
- A "hairdresser for ladies".
- Here, a coffee for Dante,
three doors, though. - '' Pour dames ''!
- When ... - Dante comes ... - No,
when the ladies ... - Dante's ladies,
- They come to the door ... - In the shop.
- You're making me "drunk".
- A hairdresser. - A
beauty institute ! Good idea !
- Eh! - Mom,
think what comfort for us!
We could get
massages every day , hands, head ...
- Your mother should just get her
head. - Yes, some styling.
Lady, I would put
my modest work,
and as you said before, it
is what it is.
You would put the capital
and divide the profits by 50%.
- It's a great idea, I really like it.
- We could all move to Rome.
- Good ! - There is the Colosseum. - How long
would it take to do this?
- 5 million. - 5 million.
- 5 million? - You are crazy ?
- Even more ! - Exactly,
are you crazy? Even more !
If you want to do something elegant,
you need at least 10.
It's a soup, the
longer you put in, the more you find it.
- We need armchairs, mirrors,
machinery ... - Helmets, too.
- No. - Yes, helmets.
- not me. - The helmets!
- Ah! The helmets! - The helmets
on your head. - Yes, those are ...
They are used to dry the hair.
What would you call this place?
- '' Da Peppino. ''
- It's a good idea.
In Rome all the
hairdressing shops ...
'' Da Peppino '', '' Da coso '' ...
It is a very good idea, I would put the
capital because it is secured money.
- It's safe, sure.
- What did I tell you?
- But I would
if Peppino weren't you. - Here.
You are the antithesis
of the hairdresser.
Two years ago you had
my daughter and me permed.
- After ten minutes we had hair
like that. - It was a wet day.
- How disgusting ! I remember. - And the
pharmacist's wife made the tincture.
- Green hair! - That
chemical was not good.
But be patient!
The chemical preparation!
And you dare to offer me the
company? You made me nervous.
We don't eat anymore.
Don Peppino, do me the favor!
You know where you need to go ...
You presented the deal badly.
Mah !
What an invitation to lunch!
Without a cup of coffee,
a glass of fresh water ...
Deluded! Did you want coffee?
- My wife makes coffee in the morning
with chicory. - What a mentality!
SHOTS
- Your wife shot herself !
If only she had shot herself!
It is Ignazio the Press.
- Ah! - Maybe he's doing
some kidnapping.
There is war in this country. Every
now and then ... Pim! Pam! These bandits!
Why don't you tell Ignazio
il Torchio to kidnap your wife?
- So you get rid of her.
- Wanted heaven!
But who takes it?
Who takes it?
PEPPINO CANTICCHIA
I have an idea.
Nobody can take eight days of revelry in Rome!
- But you must be my accomplice.
- Yes, so we end up as before.
- Let's make another good impression.
- Don't raise your voice!
(SUBHEADING) - I don't.
- Pull over.
- Ah!
- What happened ?
- The finger ! - You hold your hands like this!
But are they holding their hands like this?
I would like to know where to keep them.
Ah! The other !
- Bimano!
- Come on, talk.
Hands are held like this.
Yes, speak.
Can you write
a threatening letter? Ssshh!
I can write,
but I've never written to the miner.
What does the miner have to do with it?
Minatory,
that is, a blackmail letter.
No, for heaven's sake, you
can recognize the handwriting.
- It's true.
- Why don't you write it?
You are crazy ? So they recognize
my handwriting and I go to jail.
- And do I have to go to jail?
- You're a barber.
- Do barbers go to jail?
- They can go to jail.
- Nobody forbids them to go
to jail. - I don't want to go there.
- I understand, this is it.
- So ? - Listen...
- Yup !
- Ah!
- I leave.
- Wait up. - Take your foot off!
I'm a genius.
We take some newspapers,
with a scissor, zac, zac, zac ...
And that's it! Come with me.
But you are bulky,
why don't you pay attention?
- I leave.
- You're bulky and loud.
- Shut up !
- No, I'm going away, I don't!
TOWARDS OF THE NIGHTINGONE FROM THE WHISTLE
- Good evening.
- Ah, it's her! Good evening.
Can you come down for a moment?
Come closer.
There is a ladder under there.
Thanks.
So ?
- I wanted to give you this.
- What is that ?
- Mushrooms!
- Mushrooms?
You are crazy.
I had authorized her to
call me only for important news.
- I have something very important
to tell you. - OK then.
Let's go there.
(PEPPINO) Called the Press.
(PEPPINO) Now you need an '' O '',
a letter '' O ''.
(ANTONIO) '' O '' like '' Turin ''.
- But there is not ? - There is not ? - There is not.
- I cut out ten!
I know...
There it is.
- It was stuck.
- The glue.
- It's already there.
- Sorry.
- You always keep your head forward.
- Done.
- '' Press ''.
- The attack. Wait, more glue.
Not much ... here.
So ... As a threatening letter,
this is fine.
- Madam ...
- Where is she?
- Who ? - My wife. - Where is it ?
- The Lady. Hide.
We do not know each other.
Peppino, is she gone?
- It's passed ? - My wife ?
- Your wife ?
Zitto!
- Antonio!
- Shut up !
- Where did you see her? - I didn't
see her, I said '' lady ''.
Now I'll blind you one eye.
- Let's do it soon.
- You said: '' Madam ... ''
'' Madam, you are almost a widow
and you really will be
if you don't bring it tonight,
to the Toad's Well ... ''
- Gods? - Of the Toads.
- Cretin, ignorant.
- '' Toads '' with a '' P ''.
- We need one.
No, '' toads '' is plural,
two '' P '', '' ROSPPI ''.
- '' Toad '' is a lonely toad.
- You are right.
But they are banished, they are ignorant.
I take responsibility.
- '' 5 million ... ''
- Do you think I am worth 5 million?
- Never mind. - Am I not worth
more? - Never mind.
- No, let's say this, it's important.
- What do you want to know?
- Am I worth less than 5 million?
- It doesn't suit you.
He goes to look for the bandits
and starts picking mushrooms.
He promises me sensational news
and says nothing.
It happens to me often.
I am a shy one.
Lately I was commissioned to
interview a Polish baroness,
an adventurer, one of those women
for whom men shoot themselves.
I managed to approach her,
I was triumphant.
But he made me tell about my life
from First Communion onwards
and from her I learned nothing.
I don't expect
you to tell me about your life.
- Tell me this important thing,
otherwise ... Good night. - All right.
(SUBHEAD) Courage.
Today, while I was in the mountains,
in the middle of those woods,
I've always thought of her.
Picking the mushrooms?
- But if you hardly know me!
- It's not true.
Sometimes a minute is enough to ...
I know everything about her.
For a shy person, that's not bad.
So she knows everything about me.
So let's see ...
How am I with the young men?
It is not very '' flirt '',
then, however, he cannot understand
why they behave badly towards her.
This is true.
But why does it happen to me so often?
Because ... he's shortsighted.
- And what's that got to do with it?
- She is...
She is beautiful.
Like all short-sighted people, bring your face close
to the person you are talking to.
He gets too close and ...
I did not understand this,
you are very observant.
Damn when I told him!
Do not get angry, if you want,
I can approach him on purpose.
You're very kind.
I will be very jealous.
- It's late tonight to introduce yourself
to Mom. - You'll do it tomorrow.
Here, this is the place.
This is the place,
you hide back there.
I pass and as soon as I get here,
you say: '' Hands up! ''
- I raise my hands and you catch me.
- Why do I have to do this?
To get us a testimony,
someone to see us and say:
'' Yes, I saw it! Mr.
Antonio was kidnapped by bandits.
- Poor Signor Antonio! ''
- I understand.
- There are people. - Shall we make the scene?
- This is the moment.
I come casually.
- Are you ready ?
- I'm ready.
- Hands up ! - Here I am !
- Hands up ! - Here I am, I ...
Gee, those are carabinieri.
This is the right time, there are people.
- Hands up !
- Who is it ? - Hands up !
- The revolver. - I kill you !
- Cretin, the revolver!
- Barber, the revolver!
- Hands up ! - Here I am.
- They saw us, right?
- Walk. - Here we go.
Walk!
Don't do that.
Mamma Mia !
ROSINA CRIES
Stop crying!
What a fear, lady! I still see
that brigand in front of me.
- What direction did they go?
- Towards the mountain, all three.
All three ? Who were they?
The master, the brigand and the donkey.
Mom, something needs to be done.
Yes, do something ...
You have to shut up.
My dog is destiny!
I have news first
and I can't send it to the newspaper.
Do you want them to kill
my father right away ?
Exactly, I can't do it.
We cannot speak,
remember the fact of Baron Cosimo
who was kidnapped last year?
The grandchildren leaked
something to the police
and the next day they
were heirs of 200 million.
The poor fellow had been killed, you
understand?
Those poor things were left without their uncle.
Unfortunates!
- Unfortunate, but not too bad.
200 million ... - But ... - Alberto!
KNOCKING AT THE DOOR
I'm going.
Open, read.
Something must be written on it.
'' Madam, you are almost a widow
and you really will be
if you don't bring it tonight,
at the Toad's Well,
5 million in cash.
No jokes.
When you arrive, blindfold your face, the
less you see it the better.
Ignazio known as the Press. ''
ANTONIO FISCHIA
PEPPINO MAKES STRANGE VERSES
ANTONIO MAKES STRANGE VERSES
This is the Pozzo dei Toadi.
They have to come here,
but there is nobody.
WHISTLE
- Who is it?
CHECHECHE '! CHIE '! CHIE '!
- I'm here, who is it?
ANTONIO MAKES STRANGE VERSES
- How many animals! - (ANTONIO)
CHIE '! WHO IS IT' ! PIPIPI '!
How many beasts there are!
COCORI'! CHIE'! CHIE'! COOO!
- What kinds of beasts are there?
WHISTLE
PEPE' !
TOWARDS BIRD
TOWARDS BIRD
MURMUR
They are coming closer.
Mamma Mia !
Are so many !
I had an appointment
with certain bandits.
Who are you ?
The sect of the Press!
Then it's you.
I brought...
I brought the money.
- Can't you save me
something? - (TOGETHER) Oooohhh!
- But I ...
- (TOGETHER) Oooohhh!
Okay, here you go.
I brought it all, it's in there.
When will you give me back my husband?
When do you return it to me?
- In 8 days? - (TOGETHER) Ssshh!
- So ... - (TOGETHER) Ssshh!
INCOMPRENSIBLE WORDS
They make it to me, they don't make it to me.
Safe and sound, handicapped.
They make it to me, they don't make it to me.
Safe and sound, handicapped!
They make it to me, they don't make it to me.
Safe and sound ... handicapped.
More handicapped than that!
Come, nobody bothered us here.
You can tell me about your idea.
Let's sit here.
It's been 3 days
since the ransom was paid
- and your father still doesn't come back.
- What are you going to do ?
You have to get in touch
with the bandit
- and offer him an interview with
my newspaper. - '' My newspaper! ''
I thought you wanted to do something for
my sake instead think of the newspaper.
And isn't it for your sake? If they kick me out
of the newspaper, how do we get married?
I would like to say to this Ignatius:
'' In exchange for the publicity,
you immediately release the prisoner free
- because he has to become my father-in-law. ''
- Wait. - What's up ?
Look here.
- Now I understand everything.
- What is this stuff?
Bravo, dad! Nice Shot !
- But no ! - Yup !
- Then nothing is true. - Yeah!
Poor dad! Prisoner in here
all my life.
Mum is not easy-going and
now he's taken his vacation.
Now I understand the beauty institute
in Rome.
- Luckily ! Fortunately, I didn't
send the news to the paper.
- Alberto, do you know what we do?
- Thing ?
Let's go to Rome
to '' fish out '' the parent.
He's like a child, I wouldn't want
any big trouble to happen to him.
In Rome alone? Me and you ?
Yes, isn't that enough?
If you look at another woman, I ...
I meant that you and I,
alone in Rome ...
- Seems a little ...
- Are you afraid of me?
- No, but people ... - The important thing
is to have a clear conscience.
If we are to have a clear conscience
, it is useless to go there.
- Go make that
four-wheeled grinder . - Yes, sir !
I tell Mom that I'm going
to Aunt Clementina in San Biagio.
Never mix saints with lies.
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.
We entrust
the images of our evening to TV .
From this moment we enter
into direct television broadcasting.
According to the traditions of our
fashionable tabarin of the Belle Epoque,
here is a ballet from half a century ago.
Polka!
- How many did you get?
- One.
Here, enjoy too.
We have others at home, you know?
- Permission, sir.
- Did you see ... Oh!
- Sir!
- Excuse me, he's always distracted.
Your head is in the clouds.
You make me make certain figures!
Excuse him.
You make me make certain figures! Here we go.
- Come on, get up.
- Eeehh!
Excuse me, gentlemen!
- Excuse me! - Sorry. - You want
me to duel with people?
- Look how I am ... - Do you want me to
do a duel? Cafone!
See where you put your feet
and eyes! Here we go !
- Where are you going ? - Gentlemen,
this way. - Thanks.
- First I am a gentleman.
Forward ! - Please, take a seat.
What are you doing ? With elegance!
See how I do it.
- Look how cute that is!
- Ah! - Did I hurt you ?
Clean up, you suck.
- Ohibò, look there is the baroness,
the vamp. - Where is it ? The LAMPA?
Ah!
Etciù!
The dancers !
Good !
- Good !
- Good !
- Good. - Good !
- With more kindness.
Good !
- Did you like them ?
- Very much!
- There aren't any in our country.
- Eeeh! - In Rome! - The Empire!
- Would you like to meet them? - Yes.
- You need me. Waiter!
- Boy ! - No, you're not
at the shop! - Commands, sir?
- I don't know if the daughters can ...
- But you try!
- I'll try.
- So she'll try better!
- Thank you sir. I will try.
- And do good!
NOT AUDIBLE VOICES
- Here they are! - From here ! From here !
The first door on the right!
- Here we are !
- Cheers to life ! - Beautiful !
- What do you offer us?
- What do you offer us? - Champagne!
- Champagne! - Waiter!
- Beautiful ! - Waiter, champagne!
Boy !
- Is it true that you are so rich?
- We're filthy rich!
I'm really the rich man,
he's just screwed up.
- Will you give us a million each?
- Wait up. How many are you ? - Eight.
- Do you have eight million change?
- Not now, but we can fix it.
I have a package of 800,000 lire.
We give you 100,000 lire each!
- 100,000 lire each!
- Thanks ! - You are welcome ! Who do I give them to?
- To me. - After ... This one
gets away! - But you are married.
- Yes unfortunately. - How is your
wife? - Is she prettier than us?
- Girls, do you know
the bubonic plague? - Yup.
- My wife is the bubonic plague.
- Then it's bad.
- No, let's not exaggerate. - Ugly no,
it's racchia! - It's bad!
And it was only a RACCHIEDINE!
She's nasty, she's stingy ...
(TV) It's neurasthenic,
everything is closed, money is saved .
And she doesn't think that one day
she will have to die too.
And I'm anxious for her to die because I
inherit everything as a husband and wife.
But let's not think about these
melancholies. Let's have a toast!
I want to
dedicate the first toast to my wife.
My wife, I don't know where you are,
but wherever you are,
I make a toast
to your face!
- And to my health!
- (PEPPINO) To everyone's health!
To the health of the barbers!
I'm dead tired, we toured
all the nightclubs in Rome.
This is the last.
If he's not here, he's in bed.
My dad can't be in bed right now
with 5 million in his pocket!
- If I had them, I wouldn't spend them
on tabarin. - But what's that got to do with it?
- That's why I chose you
as a husband. - Here we go.
- More champagne! - No, just
drink! - No. - We have to leave.
- Go away ? - Go away !
- Yes. - What happened?
- Go away ! - Yes. - How
sorry we are ! - We have to change.
- Come back, we have the millions.
- Yes. - We give you the millions!
See you later !
- See you later ! - See you later !
- See you later !
Eh! I was kissing him!
Puah! How disgusting !
They left because of you,
you're a peasant!
I will never tire of telling you.
Yeah, you're a barber.
Perbacco !
I have an idea, please invite the baroness.
- That is in love with me. - Eh!
- There she is, look how cute.
- But he stays with his friend.
- Which friend ? - The lover.
What are you saying ?
That will be the brother.
- But no, that's a woman!
- A woman dressed as a man?
- To the '' garçon ''. It's used.
Here we are ... - Call her. - Wait up.
- Psss!
- Ué! Are we kidding?
Are you in the country? Call the gardener?
Now I'll show you. Learn.
Waiter!
Waiter!
Sit down.
- Thanks ! Thank you sir.
- Try it, huh? - I try!
- There they are. - Where is it ?
- There! Warning !
NOT AUDIBLE VOICES
What a pleasure ! Allows?
Thanks ! Too kind.
What an evening is preparing!
What are you doing ?
Peppino, there is some air,
close the curtain.
Here we are ! Good !
Sorry.
- Damn !
- What's up ? - The Baroness.
- Your father is with the false
baroness. - The adventurer?
Yup ! That `` if you eat it ''.
Why him, the barbie ...
The Marquis Barbieri present here
- he is not local, he is Polish.
- I'm Polish too!
- Then you know my family,
Popolanski. - The Popolanskis!
- Ah! Those with the beak ...
- Those tall gentlemen with the noses ...
He is not from central POLAND,
he is neighboring.
- He's from the province. - Meet
my lady-in-waiting, Filippo.
- Filippo, the lady-in-waiting.
Pleasure. - Very lucky.
- What a handsome young man!
- He was in the military.
Wait, I got an idea.
- Miss!
- You are welcome.
He must excuse him, he doesn't know
our "idiot" well.
He talks to his "idiot".
Is it possible that you POLISH
are always so native?
- The gentlemen are called.
- From who ? - On the telephone.
- Did you call the phone?
- The phone is called? - Who is it ?
Intercity.
- We return '' undisturbed ''
there! - Permission? - Thanks.
- Ah! Mamma Mia !
- He has a native head!
- We did just ...
- Walk! - Permission?
- We'll pluck these two chickens
well. - I'll handle that.
- You're welcome, sir. - Thanks.
- I am worried. Thanks.
- Hello? - Hello?
- Hello? - Hello?
- All done. Go ahead.
- Thanks. - Thanks to you.
Wait here. I'm going to talk to her
and everything will be fine.
- Is it really that dangerous?
- Yes, it has a lot of charm. - Then...
- Don't worry,
it has no effect on me . - I recommend it.
Don't worry.
I say ?
Oh !
What do you want ?
- It's better ? - I do not know.
- Hello? - Hello?
It is allowed ?
Good evening, Baroness. Do you recognize me?
Oh, my
nice little reporter ! What do you want, dear?
- This is very urgent, but ...
- I understand. Philip.
- You are in danger. - I ? - Those
two guys I turned away ...
Ah, was it you?
They are peasants, but very generous.
- They are two counterfeiters, that's why they
are generous! - Two counterfeiters?
The police are on their trail. The
convenient being found with them?
No, but why do you care about me,
little darling?
- I am me, she talks to me.
- And who am I ? - I do not know !
- So ? Wow!
- But you are "long distance bus"?
Maybe yes ! No !
- Yes or no ? - I'm the one. - If
it's long distance, tell me, it's me.
I don't know if he's here,
maybe he'll be dancing.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Teddy Reno
in a passionate song!
# Everything is more beautiful for me
when I see you.
I forget everything for you,
little by little.
Not to die
I want you close like this.
Sigh in my
sweet sweet arms .
Let me feel
how much this mouth burns.
Tell me: 'I love you'.
Tell me that you are for me.
She sighs quietly, sweet sweet.
With these words
you make me happy.
Dream of my life
let me live with you.
This heart is shaking.
You are the love.
<Campando di amore,
we always remain like this.
<Sigh
sweet sweet into my arms .
Let me feel
how much this mouth burns.
Life of my life,
I love you,
only you.
You tell me: '' I love you ''.
Tell me that you are for me!
This heart is shaking.
You are the love.
Camping for love,
we always remain like this.
Sigh in my
sweet sweet arms .
Let me feel
how much this mouth burns.
Life of my life,
I love you,
only to you! #
- I love this young singer.
- Yes, but now he has to go.
- Do you want to understand that he is in danger?
- Yes, dear little journalist.
- But first I want to thank you.
- It does not matter. - I want to kiss you !
- Do not bother.
- I want !
Mascalzone !
Valeria !
- This must be that
blondie's. - Here is the blonde.
- Is this yours, miss?
- Yes. - Good evening. - Good evening.
Valeria !
Thanks !
Valeria !
LAUGHS
Valeria !
My daughter too!
Help me!
- I don't understand anything!
What '' flies ''? - Understood ?
- But please me! -
Do it the pleasure! - Here we go.
- Damn ! - It's a joke ?
- I'll go first. - And pass!
RHYTHM MUSIC
I didn't understand ... And the
baroness? Look at where it is.
But where are you looking? Under the sofa ?
You made her go away.
- It's your fault. - What did I do ?
- You're a peasant.
You acted in
"long distance" ways .
- Let's look for the others, there are many.
- Do you find them like this? - Do you have the millions?
- Yes, but they're running out.
- All right.
- Cotillon! - What is this ?
- Cotillon, hat. Put it on.
- Is small ! - No, that's how it goes.
- Really ? - Thanks.
Is it the Piedigrotta?
Leave!
- Imbecile! - What did he do ?
- He threw something like that at me!
It's used ! The cotillion is pulled.
Throw something too.
Warning !
Holy shit,
they're serious here!
Warning !
This is serious!
Gentlemen, please!
Stop!
After all that champagne
I feel a little elated.
- What a wonderful thing.
- Did you like Rome? - Eeeh!
- Did you have fun ? - Yes.
- You, humble barber,
you would have imagined coming with
a gentleman to Rome to have fun,
- to live the life of Ganymede?
- Let's put the points '' on the I ''.
You always say: '' barber, barber ''.
You think it's a profession ...
Let me continue! Believe it is
a profession to be neglected.
- And no !
- It's a job!
No, we are missionaries. It is a
mission of civilization, of cleansing.
But which missionaries?
But what cleaning?
And then do me a courtesy,
don't call me tu, it bothers me.
How should I talk to you? With you,
with you, with her?
When we are alone you can call me
you, but in front of people ...
- But now we're alone.
- But someone can pass. - Ah!
They see a gentleman with a top hat,
wealthy,
- talking to a '' missionary ''
barber. - Barber shop !
- Where do we go ? - Where do you want to
go? - So it ends here?
It ends here. The eight days
are not over, but the money is.
I have an idea.
But you should become
my accomplice.
- What is it about ?
- See if anyone's there.
- Huh?
- There is nobody.
- I leave. I go home.
- Yup.
I will tell my wife that I have escaped
from the clutches of the Press
- before eight days.
- Yes and then ?
- You're leaving tomorrow night. Sorry.
- You are welcome. Ah!
- But how ...
- Always with your hands out.
- Either the hands or the feet or the head.
- Keep it going.
Ah! I can not stand it anymore.
I'll tell my wife I ran away
and then I'll wait for you.
- You're not leaving with me.
- I'm staying here. - Yup !
If they see us together in the village,
they think we are in league.
- In league.
- Yes. You're leaving tomorrow night
and arriving to the country, you kidnap me.
You kidnap me, let's make another
threatening letter to my wife
- and we ask for another 5 million.
- And are we going back to Rome? - Sure !
- Let's take the money
and have fun! - Yup ! Yup ! Yup !
- You're happy ?
- Yes good !
- Men ... - What rascals!
- Liars ! - Traitors!
- You're worse than your father. - I ?
- Yup.
You knew it and you didn't tell me.
Why do you tell me so many lies?
- Why have you been to that place of
perdition? - To help dad!
Nice way to help!
The good girl, the scholar!
The one who sleeps with the
history books under her pillow.
- There comes a time when one
wakes up. - Ah, did you wake up?
Now I'll fall asleep
again! Go to your room now!
- Street ! - Mom, you always treat me
like a child!
And aren't you a little girl?
Go to your room, don't answer
anyone and don't go out!
I don't have a daughter anymore!
I no longer have a husband!
Actually I have a kind of husband,
but I look like here
- because he has to come here!
- Mrs ! - What's up ?
- Mr. Antonio is back!
- Ah! - Look how it is reduced!
- Mrs ! Help ! - Who is it ?
- Mrs ! Look how it is reduced!
- Sit down.
- Welcome back.
- Welcome back.
- Water.
Water.
- Immediately ! - Go get
some water. - A sip of water.
- A sip. Teresa! Where are you ?
- What happens ?
- Teresa, where are you? - I'm here.
- I do not see you. - Ah, can't you see me?
- Teresa, I can't see you!
- What about me?
I can't see you
because my vision is blurred.
During my sufferings,
I always had you in front of my eyes.
Otherwise it would not have been
suffering!
- Meanwhile I have been anxious.
- Really ? Brava!
- Why did you go to Anzio?
- Anzio?
- You said you went to Anzio.
- I said I've been anxious.
- Ah, anxiety. - Yes. - Here, sir.
- The water ! - Drink. - Where is it ?
- Stay here. - Where are you ? - Here she is.
- Where are you ? - Stay there!
- Where did you put it? - Stay here.
- Don't play these tricks on me!
- Do not take advantage that I do not see.
- Don't take advantage! - Where is it ?
- Don't take advantage, drink!
- Blessed water!
- Benedetta. - Give drink to the
thirsty. - Yes. The first thing.
- Where's the mouth? I can not find it.
- Stay here! Drink.
- Yes, yes ! - My mouth is dry.
- Really ? - My mouth is dry.
- Teresa, I'm annoyed.
- You should see me. - The mouth.
Rosina, here.
- Go. Why did they leave you?
- I fled.
- Ah, you ran away.
- I finally got away.
- Look how they made me.
- I see it, a sorry state.
Petty that I am! They kept me
locked up in a cave.
In a dark and fasting cave.
- On bread and water. -
Sparkling water ! - No, what are you saying?
- The one who sends corks up
in the air. - No, it was well water.
- What stinks well water!
- Stink.
It was soft water and hard bread. A
sometimes hard water and soak the bread.
- What is hard water? - I don't know,
it's water they have.
- It's bandit water.
- Ah, I understand.
And sometimes they even gave me a
few leaves to eat.
- You ate the leaves.
- Sunday. - Ah, like the dessert.
- Hard water, soft bread
and leaves. - Yup.
- We ate these leaves and then we
danced. - Dance the tarantella.
- I was a guest, could I say
that I didn't want to dance? - Sure !
- With hot irons behind them they
said to me : '' Dance! '' - And you danced.
- And you were dancing!
- I used to do ballet. - I get it.
- I do not understand you !
- What's up ?
The bandit said to me:
'' I don't understand you! ''
Because sometimes in delirium,
in the tortures they did me,
- I spoke French.
- But you never spoke French.
One in delirium,
even speaks dead tongues.
- But what are these signs?
- What signs?
The bandit chief said it because
when he didn't understand dead languages,
I made the signs with my
'' live '' hands to make myself understood.
And then I passed out.
Don't ask me anything anymore,
I don't remember anything anymore.
- The unconscious is amoeba.
- Of course.
- You don't want to talk, you don't remember
anything. - Aren't you going to tell me anything?
I've been through all these troubles,
this ODYSSEE of mine, and you ...
Hug me, tell me something,
encourage me, lift me up!
- Pick me up, do you see I'm down?
- I hug you, I kiss you.
- I finally see you here
safe and sound , my husband! - Oh!
- My husband!
- Oh!
- You are a villain! You are
a thief! - Teresa! - A thief !
For 25 years you sat at my
table and ate a lot!
I am rich and you are poor,
I married you and you didn't have a penny!
You didn't have a shirt on!
- And now I have it? - No, you have
the shirts I made for you!
- The front piece!
- Every 15 days a shirt.
And this wretch gave you a
clean shirt every 15 days.
I gave you all the whims!
You got all the things you wanted.
Mamma Mia !
I would give myself so many slaps!
So many slaps I would give myself!
Ah !
Holy shit!
This slaps
in the third person!
- Pope !
- Tell me.
- Mom knows everything. - No ! - Yes.
- Why didn't you tell me earlier?
I have been trying to make you
understand it for half an hour without succeeding.
- But what happened to you? - I
don't know, I don't understand anything anymore.
I said a lot of nonsense
to your mother. It must be stopped.
- That comes here to kidnap.
- Who ? - The barber !
- The barber again? - Peppino.
- Dad, I don't understand anything anymore!
I don't understand anything anymore either,
but we have to stop him.
- I'll give him a telegram. - Yes.
- Come here.
- See if your mother is coming.
- Yes, dad.
Notify me.
I make the telegram, I stop it.
- You're watching ? - It's all
quiet. - Everything quiet?
- Did you sign me?
- Dad, nothing happens!
We are discovered.
Second operation
impossible.
- Is there anyone ? - No.
- Kisses, Antonio.
Kisses ...
Kisses? No !
I kissed him!
- Hands up ! - Ah, it's you.
I was going to give you the telegram.
My witch wife
found out everything.
- Don't come home anymore. - Hands
up or I'll kill you like a dog!
Peppino, let's not mess with dogs, put
this gun down. Take off ...
- Excuse me so much!
We don't know each other, do we? - No.
- I am not a physiognomist.
Goodbye. - Where are you going ?
- I heard about the kidnapping you
did in my name. - Really ? - Yup.
Look how things are known,
the world is so small.
What's strange? Maybe you
have a monopoly on kidnappings?
Everyone kidnaps as he wants,
we are in a democracy.
You wanted 5 million
for the ransom.
Those 5 million were due to me,
to Ignazio the Press!
- Walk or I'll kill you! - Hey!
At this time ? But she is tenacious!
- When you put something on your
head, '' it goes to the bottom ''! - Walk!
- Okay, but get this thing out
of my back! - Walk!
There is the boss!
- Shall we blind fly? What
jokes are these? - Unbend it.
Good morning gentlemen.
Disorder perhaps?
- Who are these? - My
men. - Well done! All brigands.
- Be careful how you talk!
- I didn't mean to offend.
They are all
volunteer brigands .
- Bring me to eat, Little One!
- Here's the pasta, boss.
- It's 3pm, can I
wash the dishes tomorrow? - What is it?
- A half-duty brigand?
- Shut up ! Go ahead.
Okay, you don't have to get mad.
Eat, enjoy your meal. Health !
This environment is very nice,
it's a bit existentialist.
It is intimate.
Boss, is it tightly blocked?
Yup !
Are you scared of being
here among us?
- No, I'm used to my wife.
- About your wife.
- Do you know why we kidnapped you?
- I believe out of sympathy.
- But I don't know if there are any
hidden purposes . - There is a purpose. - There is ?
We now weigh you,
and your wife, to get you back,
you will have to pay us
your weight in gold.
- I'm worth as much gold as weight.
- Yup.
'' This time it's serious! ''
'' You will pay your husband
in gold. ''
'' Wait for our news.
Ignazio the Press. ''
- Do not you believe it ?
- No. He enjoys doing it now.
But if he thinks I believe it
again, he's wrong.
- He's not that naive. - I
know your father well, unfortunately.
- So this time you won't do anything?
- No, what can I do?
But I will do something.
I can not handle it anymore !
I can not handle it anymore !
You made me eat two kilos
of spaghetti, three steaks,
a chicken, two lovebirds,
cheese and now I have to start again?
- But what am I a '' sarcophagus ''?
- But it's good stuff. - I know.
- But I can't do it! - This
bean soup with pork gravy
- you have to eat it. - Pork is
heavy. - Enough of these stories.
- Either eat or I'll shoot!
- This always shoots!
- Let's change tactics, let's use good
manners. - Maybe you're right.
- Don't you even eat a
spoonful? - No. - Come on, be good.
- Look ! For your Ignazuccio.
- No ! - Look.
Look at the airplane,
see how it flies!
- Fly, fly, fly!
- (TOGETHER) Ahm! - Good boy !
Now one for Guercio.
- If you don't eat it,
the Guercio cries. - What do we care?
- What do you say ? - He's one-eyed!
He cries with one eye. - No !
We play a game.
- My mouth, your mouth. Which is more
beautiful, mine or yours? - Mine!
- (TOGETHER) Ahm!
- Good boy ! Forward !
Hey!
What have you got into your head?
I can not handle it anymore !
Do you want me to pop?
- Now I'll need at least half a kilo
of baking soda. - No, it's digestive.
- Exactly! - You must not digest,
you must assimilate, you must gain weight.
- Yeah. I forgot it. - The more
kilos we weigh, the more millions we take.
If my wife does not want to pay
this ransom, what will you do?
- Nothing !
- I say so too. Done done!
If
the ransom does not come on the fifth day ,
we cut your ear off
and ship it home.
Then we wait another five days
and the ransom doesn't come?
- We ... - The other ear.
- And so ... - Piece by piece,
you send me home.
The idea is brilliant.
Why don't you go to "First Applause"?
Holy shit!
- What do you need all these
weapons for? - They are for killing.
Already. By the way, how are you killing
time in this BUGALOW?
- Where is it ? - In this GOTTAGE.
- So, waiting.
Waiting. But you kill it badly.
Do we want to kill him while having fun?
- As ? - Shall we play a game
of cards? - What game?
- A game where
you always win. All right ? - Yup.
- 50 read?
- 50 lire. - Dammi the mano.
Where is a place ... Here it is.
Sedetevi.
I have food on my stomach.
- Choose a card. - Yes.
- Take a good look at her. - I looked at it.
Put it in the deck.
- Do you remember her?
- Yes sure ? - Yup.
- It's this one ?
- Yup.
Did you see her.
- Now let's use my cards.
- Better.
Choose a card.
Have you looked at it?
Put it where you want.
- Do you remember her?
- Yup.
- It's this one. - No. - How can you
know if you don't look at it?
- It can not be. - It's this one ?
- No. - I'll tell you no.
- Is that there? - No.
- 200 lire. - All right.
For heaven's sake, modern dances,
but no!
Don't you remember our dances
of the past ? The tango!
- The black bottom! - The hesitation!
- The hi-hat!
<You are extraordinary!
<Enchanting!
<Looks like you're 20!
<(TERESA) I don't feel the years!
<(TERESA) Let's drink! <Let's drink!
<(TERESA) Take a seat.
<(TERESA) Mr. Mayor, pour the
sparkling wine. Drink, eat!
<How much abundance!
<(TERESA) Yes, there is a lot of stuff.
Who is there ?
- It's me ! - You ?
How dare you ? What do you want ?
You have to listen to me, I swear to you that ...
Don't swear anything,
I don't believe you anymore! Go away !
Well...
If you cry, it means
you need a friend.
Valeria, it was all the fault
of that wretched baroness.
She jumped on me.
- Cheers! - Cheers!
- Hurray! - Hurray!
- Donna Teresa, a cigarette?
- Yes, I want to smoke. Yes, I smoke.
- Why isn't your husband here?
- My husband has fun.
- And I enjoy it too. - That's
right. - Rosina, put on a record.
- Right away, lady. - Yes, the music.
For me, music is everything.
- Then why don't you swear to me?
- I swore it to you thirty times!
- But now let's think about your father.
- Are you sure ? - Absolutely sure.
And the Press is not joking.
Do you want to help me?
- Yes. What should we do?
- Do you trust my mischief?
- Not me. - Ah!
- But I trust your heart.
Choose a card, look at it carefully
and put it in the deck.
- It's this one ?
- No.
- Now I'll try.
- It's this one ? - No.
- It's this one ?
- No. - Give it to me.
Choose a card.
Look at it well.
Put it in the deck.
It's this one ?
RINGS OF THE PHONE
Lame, is that you?
Have you established contact?
Well, give me the line.
(IN COUNTERFEIT VOICE) Hello?
Do I speak to Villa Teresa?
I'd like the lady on the phone,
personally.
And she ?
Wait a moment, sorry.
Capo !
- The wife is on the phone.
- My wife ! To the parlor!
Where is it ?
- You know what you have to say.
- Yes, sir.
Hello? Teresa, is that you?
I am me !
Who am I ? I am your spouse!
- Ah! - Do you know I weigh 70 kilos?
70 kilos of gold!
They calculated 1, 000 lire
per gram.
Do the math.
70 kilos, 70 million for now!
If you delay, fatten.
They fattened me.
Does the air of Rome make you fat?
I too have gained weight
since you left.
But I don't want to get fat, so
I do gymnastics in the morning.
Then in the evening I play music,
do some ballet,
I invite someone, I do a samba,
a rock and roll.
But what a '' rocco and rocco ''! Teresa,
here is Ignazio and he is serious!
- Did you get the
redemption ticket ? - Yes, I got it.
I tore it up,
it's in the wastepaper basket.
Teresina, let me speak!
If you don't hurry, one
of these days you'll get an ear!
- That ear is me, myself
! - Only one ear?
- Why do
n't you send the other one to me ? - This time it's serious.
- These want the money!
- Let me go now.
There's the call from there, there's
samba, there's rock and roll!
I'm all a thrill! Bye bye!
- She's gone. - What he said ?
- He said he doesn't believe it
- and that the money does not send them.
- When he sees the ear coming
will change his mind.
Enough of this damn game,
we've joked enough!
Via !
Let's take action.
Your !
The term has expired
and the ransom has not arrived.
- I want to be respected.
- But I respect her. - Come here.
- What's up ? - You ! - What does
this do? - You know, the ear.
- I thought it was a joke.
- You thought it was a joke
- why have we played the
joke so far ? Come on ! - No ! - Boss !
- Stop. - We took a boy
and a girl who were near here.
- They look like spies. Do I kill them?
- No, take them in.
- I want to see them first.
- All right. Bring them here!
- Here we go !
- (ANTONIO) Valeria! - Pope !
- What are you doing here ?
Did they kidnap you too? - No, don't worry.
- And your daughter ? - Yes. - Well,
then the ransom has come.
- Sure.
- Sure ! - Who is that?
- He is my boyfriend. - Pleased to meet you,
Mr. Antonio. - Ah, your son-in-law.
My son-in-law? But what son-in-law is
that? Who has ever seen it?
Mr. Antonio, I take this opportunity
to ask you officially
- The hand of your daughter.
- This seems to be the moment
to make certain requests?
We are all crazy!
This is business that does not
concern us . Out of the '' grana ''!
- This is not dirty cash
. - No ? And of what ?
- Of something that is worth
much more. - What do you mean?
You know that life is
not lived on bread alone.
- Every man has the right to his own
moral satisfactions. - Then ?
- I'm a reporter and I offer you
a great deal. - What deal?
- I am editor of the
'' Week of Today ''. - Which ?
- The one that came out yesterday.
Thursday. - So ?
- Print one million copies a
week. - So ?
The purpose of my visit is
to give you a great interview
to give greater prominence
to his name and his deeds.
Front page
photographs , articles in 8 columns
and a radio interview
that will cause a sensation!
He will become the most important bandit in
the world!
There are illustrious precedents, such
a service is priceless.
Thrill-loving ladies
will write her admiring letters,
- of love ...
- Film producers
- they will offer you some
fabulous contracts . - Think of America.
- America! - You might have
offers from America.
Ignazio, you were born '' with the shirt ''!
Gee, this is the time.
America was left without bandits
because
he sent all the undesirables back to Italy.
Ignatius, if I were you, I would
n't think '' only '' twice!
What are you doing here ? Here you are a
provincial bandit , you are a provincial.
Here you make the figure of the thief.
Ignazio, you are a thief!
- How do you talk? - Look at
the environment, settle down.
Do you accept?
- I accept !
- Good boy ! This is a big kid!
The recorder, Valeria.
Please, come this way.
We will do a great thing,
a great service!
No one has ever done you a service
like they will do it now.
- One two Three. Hello? - Hello?
- Hello? - Hello? Who's talking ?
- Dad, shut up!
- Does he speak? Talk to him. Ssshh!
We are in the den of the famous bandit
Ignazio known as the Press
and we are about to do what can be
called the interview of the century.
- Mr. Ignatius, what is your real
name? - Ignazio Altamonti.
Why do they call it Il Torchio?
Because I try to squeeze as
much money as possible
- from the hostages
I took hostage. - Ok!
- And when did you start this
profession? - Since I was a child !
- I'm the son of bandits.
- Mr. Ignazio is a son of art.
What was your first success?
At 14 years old. For 2 years I sold
fruit at the market and stole by weight.
- Kill him, what a thief! - What is
your greatest aspiration?
My greatest aspiration
is to start a family
and to live honestly
with the proceeds of blackmail.
- When one is born a gentleman there
is nothing to do. - That's enough.
- One moment, Signor Ignazio
will want to greet someone. - Yup.
He wants to say hello to his father, mother
and friends from the Sports Bar.
Friends of my friends, good evening.
Andalu '!
Well, I'll take care of the rest.
The news you gave me
they are enough to make a service
that will remain memorable!
- That young man does the service for you
. - Really ? - Eh! - Thanks.
- Now ready for a photograph.
- Where is it ? - Get there. - There.
- Hello? - Wait a minute, I want
to do it with the machine gun. The machine gun!
Stop there.
- Stop! Done !
- Wonderful ! - Thanks !
- Dear Ignazio, I am free.
- Very free. - I have to thank you.
- You are welcome. - And if you go to America,
send me some postcards. - Sure.
Don Antonio, before leaving
you must do me a great pleasure.
- If I can. - Teach me that
game. - Never ! - No ? - Never !
- And I won't let you leave anymore.
- But this is blackmail.
- Call it what you want. - All right.
You are the strongest, you have won.
Always do it with this deck
and you will see that the win will be sure.
- Very sure? - Hello ! - Hello.
- Thanks. Here we go. - See you later !
- See you later ! - Compliments !
- Have a good trip !
- Don Antonio, happy birthday!
- See you later !
What will these cards have?
It is a wonderful couple!
Alberto,
we put you on the front page!
- You've become
famous at the newspaper . - Tell the manager
not to wait for me
for a month, maybe even two!
- I don't understand this idea of leaving
dressed as a bride. - Lucky charm !
- Besides, it's an American custom.
- She's an American from overseas.
Hi Dad !
- Dad, please.
- Let me do it. - Hello Mom !
- My blessed daughter. - Look
good, Mom. Alberto, let's go!
- See you later !
- See you later.
Long live the newlyweds!
Thanks !
- Thank you very much ! See you later !
- See you later !
- Have a good trip !
- Hello !
- Long live the newlyweds!
- See you later !
What tenderness!
Finally.
Our daughter has settled down.
She !
She has settled down.
And we ...
And we are left alone.
- Are we left alone? - Yes. - You
are left alone! - What does it mean ?
- Here. - What's up ?
- All your stuff is in here.
- You'll come back here when you've
made a position. - What do you say ?
- Street ! - Teresa, but you '' come on
'' ... - Go! - To the brain!
- Street !
- So ? On two feet? Teresa!
At least give me family allowances!
'' You'll come back here when you've got yourself
a position. '' It's difficult.
How do I do this position?
I don't know how to do anything.
I am a nothing.
Served.
- Boy, brush!
- Immediately. Where is it ? - He's here.
- Damn ! You hurt me!
- He moved. - Main!
What kind of shop boy do you have?
He can't hold the brush in his hand!
- He moved. - No, he
was about to tear off my ear!
Sorry. The boy starts now, he
doesn't know the trade.
- Then teach them!
- That's what I'm doing.
- I'm doing. Sorry,
knight. Say hello ! - Good morning.
You want to ruin my clientele?
That is a new client, he
is now settling in the village.
- That has the Giardinetta, understand?
- He moved. - But that has moved!
Is the customer always right. You must
understand that ours is a mission.
You are a missionary, do you understand?
He doesn't care!
I...
From now on, do what
you need to do. And don't look at me!
- And don't talk to me with you!
And don't think about me! - I don't think about you.
And broom!