Totò, Eva e il pennello proibito (1959) - full transcript

When swindler La Spada and his accomplice José are released from jail in Madrid, they decide to pull a really great swindle: nothing less than to discover and sell a third picture of Goya's "Maya in Camison" (Maya in a nightgown). They engage the renowned Scorcelletti who lives in Rome and can forge any artwork. Afterwards, with help from the beautiful Eva, they convince celebrated art critic Francisco Montiel of the existence of a third Maya and let him find the picture. When the swindlers are at the point of selling the fake to an American millionaire, Scorcelli returns from Rome to sell one of his six other maya pictures.

(IN SPANISH) 1780, let's go!

Domingo, I am a foreign
guest in this Iberian

penal building and you
must call me "Mr. 1780".

- "Vamos", the director does not wait.
-He will wait. I've waited a long time!

- Vamos! - With the "nightie" ?
- Which one beats?

Ah, the robe! The director
is at home, but... anyway...

You are welcome.

Well, then you
leave our institute.

From today he is free
with his accomplice.

One moment, director, I don't
like the word "accomplice".

Calm down, José, I understand
you don't like the term.

Director, he is not my accomplice.

I met him in the "plaza de
toros" which was selling candy.

Since that day he has
become my driver, secretary.

We know everything
about him: waiter, driver,

scam and some armed
robbery prior to your meeting.

Then he will know that since
he met me, this rascal has

forgotten the past and devoted
himself to a more noble job.

- The scam!
- Why use these terms?

I would say the
art of exploitation

of naive man by intelligent man.

Too bad his intelligence
brought her here, Laspada.

It wasn't intelligence that brought
me here, but the "carabineros".

Intelligence has made me reach
the highest peaks of the profession.

Like the attempted removal
of Botticelli's "The Spring"

- from the Uffizi in Florence.
- It failed.

Failed because the
Uffizi has a timetable.

I arrived, but it wasn't OFFICE

hours, so I found
the Uffizi closed.

Laspada, you are a
particular, original person.

Now that you are free,
are you going to start over?

Never again, Mr. Director,
will I retire to the countryside.

In the country side ? And how will she live?

- Chickens! Chickens, manager!
- Good idea.

- Best wishes !
- You too.

Adios, amigo!

- Freedom is beautiful!
- The countryside makes me sad.

- What campaign?
- The one where we will raise the chickens.

You did not understand ! The only chickens
that interest me are those from the city.

- Eva!
- Paul!

- Honey, why are you here?
- I heard you were going out today.

- Surprised ?
- A bit'.

Let me watch you!
Three years away, did you suffer?

It was hard without you.
I didn't get a good shot!

- You're an irreplaceable partner.
- Only as a partner? - Yup.

- Ours were just business relationships.
- That's the trouble!

- For me no ! - For me yes !
- Don't start again, where can I take you?

To the post office, I have
to send an urgent telegram.

- Do you already have any ideas?
- More than an idea.

I have prepared the
biggest hit of the century!

- Tell me what it is.
- Works of art, as always!

This time the most important
pawn will be a certain Scorcelletti.

-Who is he?
- A great copyist.

I will have him come from Italy.

You smile.

A beautiful mysterious smile.
Even more mysterious.

Cretin, does that look like
Mona Lisa's smile to you?

- That's a grimace!
- Master, I do what I can!

Oh yes ? For you that
paranoid stupid smile is the

famous smile of the Mona
Lisa? I would look at you!

I am not and I do not
want to be the Mona Lisa.

If you want to copy the Mona
Lisa, go to Paris, to the Louvre.

Is it written joyful here?

If you had the money, I'd be
in Paris copying the Mona Lisa.

- Copy a copy and...
- I don't have a copy!

I'm doing everything
by heart, by ear!

I only miss the smile and
modestly, not to brag...

It is necessary to know in Art all that I
have the smile of the Mona Lisa here.

That's all, see?

- The smile...
- Yes, yes...

- No. - What is it?
- A boil. - Where is it ?

But what are you making me say?
And I stupid who listen to you!

"Here" means in the skull!

- Maestro, will I do a touch-up?
- For charity !

Grab it! Arrest that madman!

The Mona Lisa is neither
touched nor touched up!

Before touching it, you
have to go over my corpse!

I've been in this studio for 20
years and you never let me paint!

- Raise your voice?
- No.

Do you even allow yourself to
make gestures with your fingers?

Oh yes ?
Do you make "baskets"? Silence !

In this atelier I am in charge!

The teacher, the professor, the
famous Scorcelletti! Clear? Silence !

You are the idiot pupil.

Let's say... I'm going crazy!

- Who pays the studio rent?
- lo!

- Who does the shopping?
- lo!

- Who buys brushes, colors, etc. ?
- Always me !

You see it ? You are fool! So you
don't have the right to paint. Silence !

- Yeah, I hadn't thought of that.
- You have to think about it!

I can not stand it anymore ! If the
colors weren't poisonous, I'd eat them!

- Then I don't need.
- You don't need it.

BELL - Sometimes
yes. Open the door !

So you want to learn
how to be a painter?

- Is Scorcelletti here?
- The teacher.

I am the teacher, but if there is
something to pay, I am not there!

Sign the lady or the husband?

Not a husband!
Are you blind, can't you see it?

Would I marry him? But where
is your head? Who hired you?

Go get changed!

Don't mind him, he's a fool.
He is stateless.

How does it come to your
mind to ask who signs?

He does not sign the
student, but the teacher!

Do we want to devalue this
receipt?... and let's devalue it!

Do we want to deliver
it to posterity or not?

- They don't look at these things in the office.
- They don't! But I look at it!

- Excuse me, the tip?
- Tip ?

- Seven floors!
- Do you dare to ask for a tip?

Then you are greedy, greedy!
Do you know what's written up here?

Do you know who Scorcelletti is?

It's me !
This signature is worth a treasure!

- Do you know what an autograph hunter would do for this signature?
- No.

-He Would Shoot!
-Then he kills me. - Not killing!

He "he would shoot" an
exorbitant amount to have it.

This signature in two or three hundred
years will be worth millions, billions!

Well, okay, you
found me "good" today.

Give me 10,000 lire and
let's not talk about it anymore.

10,000 lire? I have 100 lire!

Only 100 lire?
All right, you owe me 9,900 lire.

As soon as you earn them, bring them to me.

Go and don't waste that
signature that is worth a treasure!

- Wretch, what are you doing?
- Anything !

- You're violating the Mona Lisa! - No !
- You don't have to touch the brushes!

You are a house painter! You
can only touch the beard brush!

Did you understand ? Your hands to yourself !

Look at them ! Rascal!

Silence ! Let me read.

- Let me read and not look.
- No !



- We really wanted it!
- Good news ?

Pack your bags! Let's go!

- Where do we go ?
- In Spain, in Madrid!

- What are we going to do?
- To copy the work of a great painter.

- Painter-Stop.
- I do not know him.

Of course, you are ignorant,
you cannot know Stop.

Stop is a great artist,
he is in all encyclopedias

with the elevation photo,
in profile, in all ways.

He is a painter who will have
made "insignia" works! Stop, read.

"Please join me Madrid,
copy important picture - stop.

- Follows money order.
"- How nice! I have become an international artist.

I'm going to Spain
to Madrid to work!

- In Madrid there is the Prado!
- In Madrid...

- Is there a "meadow" in Madrid? - Yes.
- Is there a "meadow" only in Madrid?

- Only in Madrid.
- You are stupid!

Have you ever been to Villa Borghese?

That big meadow where dogs go...

Only Goya could paint
such a masterful work.

Inspired by a tragic episode
of the Napoleonic invasion, he

created a masterpiece of
extreme moral and spiritual value

and permeated with
shocking realism.

Note the originality of the
composition of the two opposing groups.

Look at the firing squad group
and the condemned group.

We said the condemned...
admire the vigorous design...

The vigorous, intensely dramatic

design and the
warmth of color...

The intense color, but not sad...

If you compare the Goya with any
other painter, you will have no doubts...

- Who's the one who talks a lot?
- One who can speak!

He is the famous Professor Francisco
Montiel, a great scholar of Goya.

If he says that a painting
belongs to Goya, no one doubts it.

If I say so, three years in jail!

- But if the painting is true...
- I'm talking about a fake painting.

Stop your attention
on one of the most

characteristic points of
this canvas: the blood!

This blood that impregnates the
soil and tinges it with tragic purple.

Do you smell the acrid smell of
blood gushing from open wounds?

- The Goya even managed to paint the smell!
- Teacher...

- Don't bother, miss! We said the smell of blood...
- Professor!

It seems to come out of the
canvas and pour onto the floor...

Beware of the Goya! back!

- Where are you going ?
- He feels bad. -He looks great.

- I do not understand anything !
- I know, it's normal! Come and shut up.

Don't get crowded, you
take away the air! Get away!

Gutierrez, go get a cognac!

- Professor, are you feeling bad?
- Two cognacs!

- In the meantime, I'll take care of the lady!
- Miss!

I will try to explain, but you
will not understand anyway.

Paul, tell me the truth, I don't
like working without knowing.

These are things that don't interest you.

This is the Maja Desnuda. You like ?

And you say this
doesn't interest me?

- (RAUL) Come here.
- That stuff interests me a lot!

- That's the Maja Dressed.
- I'm interested in that!

This or that... are two
famous Goya masterpieces!

Hyperbolic figures are worth!

Think what value a third
Maja could have, if it existed.

Do you think it exists or not?

- He's on his way. - The third Maja?
- No, the man who will make it exist.

To say: "I want you, I long for you".
How do you say ?

- "I ask you".
- No ! No ! No !

Te chie... te chie...
With the "who", with the "who".

- With whom ?
- With whom? With nobody ! With who ? With you ?



- Te quiero!
- Very well.

To say: "kiss me a lot,
that is a lot" as they say?



- Ba...
- Well...

Well? Then ?


- "Besame..."
- "Besame MUCCIO".

PILE, fine.

To say instead: "soul of
my heart", as they say?

"Alma de mi corazòn."

- Cora... zòn! - It's 11 o'clock.
- Alma de mi... - Corazòn!

I told you ! I've been teaching
you Spanish for 5 hours...

How do you want to be a painter?
I don't know!

I'd take books in the face!

"Alma de mi corazòn", not CORE SON!

You have to put your tongue
between your teeth. Corazòn. Pull over.

Look at me, look at the mouth.

- Master, you spat in my face!
- You deserve it !

Young man, we
have to learn Spanish,

otherwise he won't
"stick" with "cows"!

We continue without a book, go!

- (SPANISH IN) Is that seat occupied ?
- How?

- (SPANISH IN) Are you busy?
- Well... - Thanks.

Master, what did the lady ask?

- What lady?
- The one who entered now.

This ?

-You are not a lady.
-Who is she?

You will be one of the equestrian circus.

We don't take care of her,
let's go back to the lesson.

- "Esta muchacha me gusta mucho."
- "I like this girl very much."

- "Te quiero."
- "I love you."

- "Besame mucho."
- "Kiss me very, very much."

- "Alma de mi corazòn."
- This is easy...

is the story of a love

as there is nothing else,
which made me understand

all the good and all the bad. #

- Excuse me, what do you want?
- (SPANISH IN) Did you tell the truth?

- I don't understand it.
- He does not understand Italian, you speak in Spanish.

- It's not easy !
- (SPANISH IN) Are you not deceiving me?

I only know the words
to conquer, not to reject!

luck, I finally met love!

- (SPANISH IN) I love you!
- Help ! Sound the alarm!

- Stop, we'll go to jail!
- Better the jail!

- Muchacha, this barge man is there!
- "No me gusta!"

- What do you say, master!
- Get your bags! Bull is better!

- Shut up, that comes out!
- Ah! She closed my foot!

- What happens ? What "passes"?
- I was in trouble!

There is an angry beast!
When do we get to Madrid?

- "Magnana por la magnana at 10."
- You "tycoon" something?

- No !
- We have not "tycoon" anything!

- He says we're arriving at 10 tomorrow.
- Thank you very much. - "De nada".

Who is Renata? She will be the beast!

We look for a free compartment,

so in the morning we change,

otherwise the Spaniards
will think we are peasants.

We have finally arrived!

- Hurry up, the train starts again.
- No, the train dies here!

- You kill me!
- Easy, I can't do it!

- How can you not do it?
- They're heavy !

- Are you ricotta?
- Oh yeah !

- So you want to be a painter?
- For now, I'm a porter.

- Slowly.
- So you want to be a painter?

One moment.
What does it have to look at?

Have you ever seen two
foreign gentlemen? You go away!

- You have to help me.
- They're heavy ? - Yup.

- I'll take one.
-He made the effort!

Someone has to
help me, call a porter.

- For two suitcases, do I call a porter?
- Not two!

- Do you have the money to pay the porter?
- Yes sir!

- "Hello, senor".

Take... PRENDOS...

- What do you have to look at?
- "Como?"

Not Como! We come from Rome!

- Como?
-She said "dresser"!

Dresser? Then she is angry with
you because you look like a dresser.

- "No abla espanol?"
- Yes, I had the "Spanish" as a boy.

And she ? This is more stupid than you.
See you later.

- (SPANISH IN) I don't understand.
- Go to the madhouse!

- If he goes away, where do I go?
- Let's go up ! - I can not do it !

- Mamma Mia !
- The foot! On the little finger!


Master, I have a feeling
that these are angry with us.

Did you notice now?
They come after us from the station!

- They make fun of us!
- How dare you ? They are fans.

They follow us because they
understood that I am a great painter.

It's all sympathy. You'll see
they'll ask for my autograph.

- (SPANISH IN) Hey, you.
- You see it ?

(SPANISH IN) You have stopped
the traffic, the carnival is over.

- He wants you.
- Are you Italian? What is this masquerade?

Sir, you made a mistake.
We are not masked.

We dressed in the Spanish
style because we are in Spain.

All right, you'll explain
everything to the police station.

- We are honest people! - yes!
- And not me? - I do not know !

- General. - I'm not a general.
- Colonel... - Not even.

I am an Italian abroad, I
don't know these things!

We are here for work, at
least me, he is my pupil.

Called by the Marquis
of Castelviscardo, right?

He is a very good person, a
gentleman, then he is a Marquis!

- We came here to paint.
- Then let's go to the Marquis.

We must go there!
Have you seen?

- Who shot?
- lo, put that knife away.

- Against who ?
- the worms!

Do you kill them with the shotgun?

My dear and naive
José, try to understand.

The ancient frames have woodworms
and woodworms make holes!

This frame is not ancient and
has no holes. I made them myself.

They are 3 or 400 dots. Now you
will take them off with this tweezers.

- Okay, but it's years of work.
- Shut up!

Ancient things
take centuries to do!

This is the prelude to that
magnificent symphony of my piano.

Give the world a Scorcelletti
and make it count for a Goya!

Can't you hear the melody
of the shot organization?

The professor is already
fascinated by Eva, this house,

which belonged to Goya,
paid for by me regularly...

in bills of exchange that will soon
go into protest, but I will leave first.

This authentic canvas, of the time,
and the woodworms in the frame.

Everything is perfect,
I can sleep peacefully.

You don't know who I am!

Oh Mama, what do the guards want?

- "Intercity!" - Silence !
- No silence!

We can get in ?
Is the Marquis at home?

Come on.

- The Marquis of Castelmoscardo?
- Yes. - Do you know these two? - No.

He sent me a telegram.
I am the famous Scorcelletti.

- Ah, Scorcelletti!
- He is Tobia, my pupil, let's put it this way!

- I know them, but what did they do?
- Nothing, but look at the clothes.

- Why these clothes?
- We are in Spain and we have conformed.

"Country you go...
uniform you find!"

Marquis, look at
this how he dressed!

Master! They are my guests,
I will be responsible for them.

If so, that's fine.
But be careful, I'm a little...

"Carabineros", then?
Do you know who I am?

I am an Italian abroad!
I can also have you arrested!

- Master! Excuse me...
- I do not apologize, he offends!

The artists are extravagant.
He accompanies the gentlemen to the door.

- Thank you.
- Goodbye.

At the door and close it well!

- (TOBIA) Don't be angry, master.
- They make me angry!

- Good morning.
- Master, this is my wife.

Wife of him? What a beautiful wife!

Madam, my compliments.
She is very pretty, but a lot!

She had good taste!

How cute she is!
How did she marry a...

- Scorcelletti.
- I was paying compliments to your wife.

Very pretty. I'd like to copy the
picture right away, so then I'll go.

- He's not here, he's at the Prado.
- (RAUL) At the Prado.

Don't get distracted,
let's talk business.

I had it come to copy Goya's
famous "Maja Desnuda".

What did you say before?
"The painting of the painter Stop"?

- You said so!
- I must have escaped.

Marquis. I wanted to tell you
something, he is shy and ashamed.

- Say.
- We have been on a very long journey,

here in Madrid the air is good
and we have a little appetite.

- Just talk, you are my guests!
- Thank you. - José!

- A little appetite. - José!
- A little appetite! - José!

He is hungry! We are hungry !
We are starving!

- I understand !
- You say "what is it"!

I get it, I was
calling my waiter.

- It's called "What is it"?
- José. - What is he, a waiter?

José, accompany the
gentlemen, let them be refreshed.

Has he already had us shot once?

- Teacher, refresh...
- Ah!

You could have chosen
a less stupid copyist!

Impossible, he wouldn't
be as good as this.

Only those who have emptiness in their
brains can perfectly copy a painting without

putting something of them into it. The
more stupid a copyist is, the better he is.

- Then this is the Raphael of the copyists!
- Yup.






- What gauze did you give me?
- The sterilized one. - Mah!


This is the Maja of thing...
of Goya. It's like mine.

- Master. - What's up ?
- Are we having surgery?

You said right, it's the
first time you've guessed.

It's the Maja operation!

Why did we put the bandages on?

You are a repeat offender, you
have no extenuating circumstances!

Silence !

Silence ! Who is it ?

- What did we eat today?
- Onions.

You must know that the
"cipollino" breath alters the colors.

According to my
system, the Scorcelletti

method, I need the
color to be sterilized


Give me the lens.

What does the microbe
do under the antibacterial

action of the antibiotic

In fact, several corpses are seen.

How does that saying go?

"One microbe dead,
another is made." In fact...

Who is it ? Speaking of anything else...
what are you doing?

- Are you talking to me?
- How do you allow me to copy my copy?

Nonsense! If the original
is there, why copy its copy?

- Because he's a fool!
- As he said ?

- He looked smaller.
- Fool? - Yes, inquire.

How dare you? Fool it will be her!

- "You speak as you mind!"
- I'm painting the Maja of the Goya!

- Leave me alone !
- That would be too comfortable!

You take advantage of it
because I am an Italian abroad!

I come from Rome to copy this
copy and I do not allow to nobody

to copy my copying art!

- I'm Italian too.
- Really ?

- Abroad ?
- Native.

Native! I thought he said...
instead of native!

Native or not, stop it or I'll
have the guards arrest you!

- Don't be ridiculous! - it?
- Do you want to know something? - Yup.

- She doesn't make me laugh!
- Oh yes ?

- Makes me "mustache"!
- Shall I give you a "mustache"? - Yup !

Shall I give you a mustache?
So... here it is!

- All right ?
- Coward! You gave my Maja a mustache!

I make them too!

- Now I make them!
- No, stop!

It has to pass over
my corpse first!

I thought my copy
was perfect, but her...!

Mine modestly, it was
painted by an Man.

- It's wonderful, it would deceive any expert!
- Challenge!

Professor, a lady
wants to talk to you.

With me ? Impossible, send her away!
I am very busy !

- Can not be done !
- Good morning Professor.

- It's me.
- It's you, miss!

I came to thank you.
Al Prado was very kind.

- It was my duty.
- I want to repay.

You are a great art student and
you will be pleased to have this book.

You speak of the palace of the Marquis
of Cammarata. My uncle bought it.

Did your uncle buy the
Cammarata palace? It's wonderful !

The Marquis of Cammarata married on
11 June 1801 Donna Gioachina, daughter

of the Duke of Osuna. The Duke
of Osuna was a friend of the Goya!

I think. But my uncle bought the building
because it is large and comfortable.

It is interesting to visit the
studio of an artist like you!

Who is this ?

Giuseppa Baieux, Goya's wife.

She is ugly. I have heard that
Goya painted beautiful women.

He saw them at the Prado!
They are the two Maja!

Here they are. La Maja
Desnuda and the Maja Dressed.

The Maja Desnuda is one, the
Maja Dressed is the second...

but where is the third?

Excuse me, miss... the third what?

- The third Maja!
- It doesn't exist, miss!

There are only two, La Maja
Desnuda and La Maja Dressed.

No, there is also the Maja in Shirt.

- What are you saying?
- That there is also the Maja in Shirt.

I'm surprised you don't know.

Of course I don't know! It's not true !

Who told you, excuse
me, such nonsense?

Nobody told me, I read
something a long time

ago where there was
talk of this painting.

It was a book, a newspaper, what?

It was a handwritten
piece of paper that I found

in the library while
leafing through a book.

In his palace library?

Why do you want me
to make a shirt for you?

- The reason does not concern you, I pay you!
- Ah! Do you pay me?

Do you think that with
vile money you can

buy the conscience of
a great artist like me?

- Not an artist! - Careful, Marquis.
- You are a copyist!

- You're underestimating the copyist.
- It's not true.

You have underestimated
him, dear Marquis!

If a copyist were to create, any

scruffy painter could
copy the copyists!

- Where will we end up?
- Where is it ?

- I'll ask you!
- Tell her!

- Master...
- Get this stuff off!

- The Marquis says I must pose.
- I said it.

- She is not beautiful ?
- I'll tear it! - Stop!

- It's precious, it's from the Goya era!
- This ? - Yup.

- Authentic?
- Sure.

- You hear it.
- Thing ? I don't know if it's him or the shirt, but you can feel it.

Dear Marquis, why does he
want to wear Maja Desnuda's shirt?

-If he had said to take it off ..
.- It's time to tell the truth.

I have to inherit a large sum!

- Like ?
- From a very fearful aunt.

If my aunt sees Maja Desnuda
in the house, she will defeat me.

If, on the other hand, he paints the shirt...

No ! The Maja in Shirt is a
blasphemy! And I don't swear.

But the Goya is dead!

He is dead, but I am alive!
I'm alive, do you understand?

- I'm the copyist here!
- Yup !

I would like to
see this Mr. Goya

copy a Maja as I copied it!

Everyone is able to
do, copying is difficult!

I would like to see Mr. Goya.
This Goya!

They tell me... the Goya!

Go over there!

- Here is the palace.
- Shall we start the search right away?

- No, I need to talk to my uncle.
- All right. - I'll phone you.

Lightning the sky!

Master, don't make me angry,
do you paint the shirt or not?

I don't make the shirt,
I don't make it, no!

- And I don't pay it!
- Really ? Have you heard ?

- Really ? - Yup !
- Then I'm not going away!

The food is good
and the lady... too.

- The lady has nothing to do with it!
- I know, but it's good!

- Insists!
- Yes, the lady is good.

- Thank you that we are abroad!
- Otherwise ?

- Otherwise...
- What?

The lady is good, layman!

- The lady is good!
-She is good yes!

- "Woh" if the lady is good!
- It's good !

She's good... what's that got to do with you?

Do not make appreciation
in the house of others!

- You said so!
- I am the master!

For me she is good, you are the
student and for you nothing is good!

Oh yes ! Oh yes !
She said she doesn't pay me!

I'll show you!
Take the paper and write!

- You wrote ? - No.
- What did you write? - Anything !

What do you write if I
haven't told you anything?

Now let's do the invoice
for the Maja. Write: invoice.

- With a capital "F"!
- Yup.

No ! I changed my mind.

That's an animal
and I capitalize "F"?

Lowercase "F"! FATURA!

- For this... "For" with the "P".
- Sure.

Sometimes, being abroad
one can get distracted.

- What happens ?
- That imbecile refuses, he will ruin everything.

The professor had believed in everything,
it was enough to find the painting.

- Shirtless?
- No.

- Have you tried to insist?
- I've tried everything.

I was hoping he was stupid, but not like
that! I won't be able to convince him.

Wait, I'll try.

- Colors, brushes and solvents?
- Yup.

- Did you put any palettes?
- No. - Put it on.

How much it does ?

150 thousand.

Few! Few! Make 300 thousand!

- It's expensive !
- Don't you consider "dear Spain"?

> Dear teacher! -Who is he?

Sorry if I made you wait.

Those 150 thousand lire, cash them in!

- Here I am, I'm ready.
- To do what ?

To pose for her. My husband
told me she missed the model.

- As a model am I okay?
- "Wow"!

You can also stay in this way.

pre... pre... we specify.

I told your husband that on
principle I would not paint it.

Obviously I misunderstood. It is
useless that he has put on the shirt.

- No, it's very useful! The shirt fits her. True?
- Yup.

- You shut up !
-If he doesn't want to paint, I'll go get dressed.

- No ! Listen to me, let's think.
- Let's think. - Good.

She wouldn't paint the
shirt for anything in the world.

Exact. For nothing in the world!

Not even if...

- Master.
- What's up ?


I understand ! I understand ! Lady,
you repeat and articulate the words well!

Yup ! Yup ! Really ?

Madam, this changes things!

- Tòbia! - Tobia!
- Tòbia or Tobìa is the same!

Palette, brushes and colors!
The picture must be finished.

- The picture is finished.
- The shirt is missing!

- But he doesn't go there!
- And who says that?

- You said that for nothing...
- There are things and things!

- True? - Sure, master.
- You go !

Here it is.

That little foot!

Goya's little hands...

Let's see... yes!

So !

How happy I am!

- Eva, what is said, is it said?
- What is said, is said.

- Word of honor?
- Word of honor.

He said yes! I copy her a
shirt that the so-called Goya...

she would never have dreamed of it!

They tell me the Goya!

Stop !

Very well ! It was
difficult, but finally...

- How did you convince him?
- It was easy.

I promised him a
gallant adventure.

You make me look good with that!

You are my husband as a joke!

Yes, but he'll think
I'm a real cuckold.

Don't worry, I had an
idea to get rid of him.

- Which ?
- I'll have him arrested.

- Like ?
- I've set a trap.

- Tell me.
- I made an appointment with him at "Le due castanets".

That place is frequented
by Pablo, a fiery bullfighter.

He'll start a fight between
them and call the police.



(SPANISH IN) The first bull
I kill, I dedicate it to that girl.

the first bull is reserved.

(IN SPANISH) Then the second.


- Do you like it, master?
- Very.

I am thrilled with
these quaint places.

- Good evening, lady.
- Good evening.

- Good evening.
- We want to eat, dance, drink. - One moment.

MUNDOS, do you have a SEPARETTAS?

- (SPANISH IN) I don't understand.
- Me neither.

Let's sit here first, it's
thrilling... fascinating.

- Follow me, please.
- Yes... yes!

(SPANISH IN) How wonderful!
Cancel the reservations,

tomorrow I dedicate
all the bulls to her.

- Careful, she is with a man.
-I don't care, she looked at me.

Waiter, listen...
Do you have a room?

- Huh? - A room.
- (SPANISH IN) I don't understand!

A room. I can't scream,
the lady hears me.

- A room.
- I understand, a "hospedaje".

How dare you?
Go away, scoundrel!

What ways, she is sending me to the hospital!

She was telling you "hotel".
In Spanish it is called "hospedaje".

Really ?

I would like to have a
chronic illness to stay seven,

eight, ten, twelve years
with her in the hospital!


- May I introduce myself ? Pablo Segura.
- The famous bullfighter?

- Have you heard?
- No, I was "above the thought".

- The gentleman is Pablo Segura.
- Are you sure it's Segura?

- Of course !
- Be safe...

that I don't give a
damn, "nada de nada"!

- How dare you?
- We don't need bullfighters.

Come back another day, but
not Friday, it brings me bad luck.

I wanted to know if she wanted
to dance this flamenco with me.

- Very gladly!
- No ! Here it is misunderstood!

The bullfighter needs a bull,
but I don't play the part of the bull.

The lady does LA FLAMENGA with me!

- You don't know how to dance flamenco!
- But I'm a copyist.

She dances and I copy. I copy
it all! I make the FLAMENGATA!

Are we meant for each
other when can we be alone?

Now, but that must be eliminated.

- What did I do ?
- You tired me out! - One moment !

- (SPANISH IN) Man, you are dead.
- Let's think.

- Defend yourself!
- One moment !

Pablo Segura doesn't think... he kills!

of hands, pranks of villains.

- Defend yourself!
- Don't be a bastard!

(SCORCELLETTl) This attacks!

- I'm an only child ! She compromises herself!
- Defend yourself!

- How is it from the record...
- How is it from the record?

- As per the minutes... - I don't know, what is it like?
- You don't have to know.

- He asked me.
- I didn't ask, shut up.

- So I misunderstood?
- Shut up, he misunderstood.

- "We were passing in front..."
- Exactly.

- "..A lady shouted that a fight had broken out."
- Exactly!

- "We found the famous matador..."
- Exactly.

- "..Fighting with a thug."
- Exactly. - No !

Thug will be her.
I'm not a thug!

I am the famous Italian copyist
Scorcelletti, you remember it!

She too, otherwise what
will she say to posterity?

- Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Don't raise your voice!

- You don't raise your voice!
- We're not in the square here!

- We are in front of a commissioner!
- It's me ! - Exactly. - Shut up !

-You sit down.
- You sit down.

- No, her! - No, her!
- Please take a seat and you too!

You have to talk to me!

- And who am I talking to?
- With me ! - Who am I talking to ?

- You talk, I listen to you!
- Can I say what I want?

- You speak !
- Anything? - You speak !

- How are you ? - Good.
- Everybody all right at home ? - What does it say?

He said to speak
and I joined...

Don't make me lose my patience!

- That's what I'm saying.
- Don't make me repeat it!

I eat it!

- What does he do ?
- She's playing checkers!

I want to know why
she "got into a fight"!

I have not attacked
neither Brig, nor curtain!

He wanted to attack with the
lady, but with me he doesn't attack!

- Tell the defendant!
- That's not true, I was just looking at it.

She heard? The accused
is confessed, on record!

- No verbal.
-I demand that...- him Sit down!

- Looking is not a crime.
-While he looked at her, he thought her!

- Thinking is not a crime.
-But how did he think? - I do not know.

- I know ! Can I tell?
- Say it!

- I say ? - Say it!
- Commissioner, he thought her naked!

What does a tragedy do?
He is calm!

- It's true ?
- No, this man is crazy!

- I'm crazy ?
- Yup ! - I'm crazy !

- While the two of us were talking, do you know where he was looking?
- No.

Stop ! To me the eyes.

- Who is this ?
- My wife.

- We talked and he looked at his wife and thought her naked!
- Thing ?

- How dare you? - It's not true !
- Prove it! - Sure !

- We feel !
- So, really...

He can't prove it, he
doesn't have an alibi!

She looked at my wife and
thought she was undressed.

Optimistic ! He thought her naked!

It's not true !
I don't know his wife!

- So what was she thinking?
- I was thinking about the bull I have to kill tomorrow.

- How did you think about the bull?
- Like a bull!

Naked! He heard ? Record!

- But the bulls are naked!
- There are also those dressed.

- Where are they ?
- She...

If you allow him to think of
his wife, he is a dressed bull.

-Now he's sitting down, he's a sitting bull.
- Thats enough !

Stop thinking about my
wife, do you understand?

I don't know her lady!

Dear, I was passing this way...
Pablo Segura!

- Do you know him ?
- Of course, everyone knows Pablo Segura.

- I meant... do you know each other?
- I've never seen it!

- Dressed! He is used to seeing her naked!
- No !

I don't care about his wife "nada de nada"!
- It means naked of naked.

- Neither naked nor dressed. I do not care !
-He was not polite!

- I meant I don't look at her.
-Do you mean that she is bad?

- I'm not bad, I was also a stripper!
- Catherine!

- They are slander.
- What is she doing!

I can immediately
deny these slanders!

Catherine, what are you doing?
Get dressed immediately!

You don't have to look at it, go!
Arrest this man!

You can't arrest
me, leave me alone!

You get there, dear. It is necessary
to proceed with order and method.

- So, we saw these and these.
- This also ?

- Uncle, don't mess!
- Sure !

- Did he find something?
- No, but I'll search everywhere if necessary.

It is necessary in the
interest of culture, of course.

- And yours too.
- In my ? Why ?

You are lucky enough to own the
house where Goya lived, worked,

created and wept! Wouldn't you
like to find a masterpiece by him?

(RAUL) It would be fun.

- What have I done !
- Nothing wrong.

Wait, what is this?

It's a miracle ! Here is the
proof that the Maja in Shirt exists!

- I said so!
- Look at the case!

It's incredible ! La Maja in shirt
is hidden within these walls!

But where ? Where is it ?
Listen, listen!

"Madrid February
4, 1798, I receive

from Mr. Francisco José Goya,

20 shields for the execution of
the door of the secret passage. "

- Secret Passage !
- Yeah.

".. Secret passage where
the Maja in Shirt is kept!"

La Maja is here!
In the secret passage!

Impossible, I have never seen
a secret passage in the palace!

- Maybe behind a panel, a shelf.
- Impossible!

- Uncle, why don't you want to believe it?
- These are fictional things.

I've read about disappearing
panels, mysterious

doors, frames that hide
buttons, revolving libraries.

- Buttons?
- Yup.

- Libraries?
- The library is there, but the button is missing.

This... what is this?

- This.
- Where is it ?

- It's a button!
- I do not believe.

- Press?
- No.

- Maybe pulling...
- Pulling?

Did you see that you had to pull?

The secret passage!
Shed some light!

It is written here: "20 shields for
the construction of the secret door!"

- The Maja in Shirt!
- Here is the light.

- La Maja!
- (RAUL) He's not here.

Here she is ! La Maja is there!

- There is the third Maja!
- He was right ! - I want to see it better.

Yup ! I discovered
the Maja in Shirt!

I discovered Goya's
ignored masterpiece!

His presence here is a
surprise, master. It's impossible.

Instead it is possible, dear!

He believed I had
forgotten the lady!

- José, is your master at home?
- Yes, I'm going to call him.

Tell him I came to sign
the picture I did yesterday.

- What painting?
- The Maja in Shirt!

- Was the Maja in his shirt?
- Yup ! - in the shirt.

- Did we come to sign the picture?
- It's a trivial excuse!

How do you want to be a painter?
You do not understand anything !

I don't want to make the husband
understand that I'm here for his wife.

Sublime, perfect! It is the most
beautiful Goya I have ever seen!

- Mr. Marquis!
- What's up ? Excuse me, professor.

Look at the unmistakable
brushstrokes, the cuts of light!

It is the hand of the Goya!
I would recognize it among a thousand!

- Is back ? -He wants to sign the picture.
-So he ruins me!

- Raul, shall we kill him? - Be quiet !
- You never listen to me.

We have to go close to
the Code, not damage it!

- Otherwise they hit our heads with CAROPA.
- "The garrote"!

José, the death
penalty is no joke!

- What happens ?
- Your plan failed.

Scorcelletti is free, stay here!

- Then everything goes wrong!
- I do not believe.

We could get the jealous
husband in with the gun.

- What do you say ?
- Yup !

-We'll scare him and he'll disappear forever.
- I'll handle that.

Master, you are reckless.
Forget it, there are so many women!

Are there any?
Yes, but they don't "fit"!

- There are no women?
- Ignorant, learn Italian.

"There are" is the voice
of the verb CENESTARE.

Instead "stay there" is the
imperfect of the verb make out!

- Why, is she there?
-If she is not there, was I here?

But how do you want to be a painter?
I still haven't figured it out!

You should have seen it! With
her green eyes, her fiery red hair,

- blue dress and yellow shoes.
-How did she go? - "In white".

Master, sorry for
what happened tonight!

-I was afraid that you had left!
-Were you afraid?


Because she didn't watch me.

If she had, she would have
noticed that I'm a one-piece man!

Lady, I always arrive at the goal.
Maybe naked, but I get there!

Master, my husband is suspicious.
It is dangerous to stay here.

That, if he gets angry, he sees red!

He meant: "If he sees red, he
gets angry and I'm... Dolores!"

Don't joke!

Let's meet outside, do you
know "La posada de la chica"?

I do not take the "butts" with

cutlery, but with
two fingers or a stick!

- In Spain "chica" means girl!
- Really ?

So I stay in Spain and collect
all the "ciche" of the street!

How are these "cutlery
for the chiche" used?

The "Posada de la chica" is a
night club. We will be safe there!

- I'm going to change and we'll be there.
- I'll change it right away!

- I have to change.
- What do I do? - Wait at the hotel.

I have to go !
But how do you want to be a painter?


- A booth? Sit down, sir.
- Is the place safe?

The lady has a very
jealous husband!

Sure, we are equipped.
Of course it is a question of price.

- I'll pay any amount.
-You will have a husband-proof booth.

Good !

- Finally after a lot of work, tonight we have fun!
- Like ?

- We're having fun tonight.
- Who ? - We. - We ? I enjoy it!

- I have an appointment!
- Yes, but there are so many "cows"!

Young man, calm down! Understood ?

Casanova has arrived!
But do me the favor!

- Why did I come?
- To pay for the taxi!

- A TV !
- So you can guard the entrance.

She-she will immediately notice the eventual arrival of her husband.
- Yeah!

- Where am I running away?
- There is no need to escape, we are organized!

Just make the lady sit on this

sofa and press a button, this.

- Done ! - Very ingenious, I like it.
- Thank you.

Once the danger has passed, she can press the
button again and everything goes back to normal.

- Sit down, sir.
- What a beautiful restaurant!

- Is this silver?
- Excuse me.

- Will I serve a cold dinner as soon as the lady arrives?
- Yup.

But let it warm up.
I like cold dinner hot.

- The cold in my stomach hurts me.
- The wine, Port?

- Ports.
- I mean, Porto?

- Brings!
- Should I bring the Port?

Who must send, send and
who must bring leads! Ports!

- Bring the port too.
- Okay, sir.

- An Italian gentleman is waiting for me.
- I get it, in that sitting room over there.

Please, take a seat.

Nice lady.
Finally, I am on fire!

- It's true, it's a little hot.
- No... Ah!

I meant, I burn with desire.

- He's impatient, I just got here!
- Exactly.

We are here for our
adventure... let's venture!


- Give me a kiss.
- Master!

Forward. Forward !

Who is it ? What does it bring?
Bring the Port? Why are you wearing it?

- Should I serve cold dinner?
- Who told you to come in?

- I asked for permission.
- He had to wait for me to say: forward!

-She said it.
- I said "come on" to the lady.

- But the lady was already inside.
- How dare you?

I can tell back and
forth to whoever I want!

You go back! Get out!

Go outside! Fool!

Excuse me, madam,
it's long, but it's "round"!

- Finally in my arms!
- My dove, my soul!

- Ah! - What's up ?
- My husband ! - That's him!

I am embarrassed, this
is the first time that...

Poor ! She is down! Do you want to
have a drink? So she pulls herself up!

- Now I "pull it up"!
- Thank you teacher.


- He's coming ! It will kill us!
- Do not be afraid !

Who is this?

- Here it comes!
- I found you, cheater!

- How dare you?
- Excuse me, I thought it was my wife.

Thanks, she really wanted us!

Why did she turn like this?
Come back as before. She was so pretty...

- Shut up ! There is my husband !
- Then she's not her!

-Where did she come from?
- From the wall.

The one who was here, where
did she go? We don't play jokes!

What is she doing? Did she put a muzzle on me?

-You do not enter like this! You are a villain!
- I'm sorry.

- It was a misunderstanding, forgive me.
-I forgive you, go away!

There was an exchange.

Dear lady, I lose
in the exchange!

Lady, you are bad! The one
before she was cute, fragrant!

-You are not a knight!
- I'm not a knight and I'm not a commander!

- Get up and go away!
- I can not !

She does not want? Then I call
the manager and make a scandal!

Here we change the
cards on the table!

- Rather ! Women on the table!
- I beg you! - Do not touch me !

- Director!
- No !

- Master, come here.
-She is back!

- I was here...
- I discovered you, cheater!

- Sorry.
-Who is she? What does she want?

There is a misunderstanding.
One moment ! She was in the other booth!

- I ? No !
- Yet I saw it.

You saw my sister.

- Dressed the same?
- We have the same tastes, we are twins.

- Are you both dating in the booths ?
- What do you want?

- Nothing... what a family!
- Don't make compliments!

- "Every limit has a patience!" Get out, get out!
- Sorry.

Nosy! Nuisance!
Can't you rest easy?

Why, when she went from there,
didn't her sister come from here?

- (EVA) It was still me.
- Who is there from there?

- The wife of the one who got out.
- The cuckold's wife! - Yup.

She is coming back!

- Mamma Mia !
- Soon !

Shall we play the balls?

- Faithless!
- You are obsessed!

- I thought my wife...
- I already told her your wife isn't here!

- I do not understand ! She weighs my head!
- It's natural...

- It's obvious !
- I saw it in the other booth!

You must have seen my twin.

- I surprised you...
- Ah!

Madam, he is not her husband!

- She passed out.
-Who is he?

- Nuisance, intruder and snoop!
- Go away !

Sorry ! Come inside!

Scorcelletti is shouting
from there, what's going on?

- There's this damn revolving wall...
- What wall?

Mrs. Eva! Mrs. Eva!

The ugly again! She insists!

She insists!

Up ! She passed out!

Do the rackets faint too?
What world do we live in?

Come on, beautiful! Come on, beautiful!

Come on, wake up! Wake Up !

Get out, get Signora
Eva over here!

There is my husband !
Let me stay here!

Her husband has gone away.
Get Eva back here!

-Not by the door, you open the wall!
- Thing ?

-You open the wall!
- I'm not a bricklayer! Are we kidding?

Don't make me violent, I
call the DOG CATCHER.

I came here to stay with
Mrs. Eva, we love each other!

You were there!

- My husband !
- I'll kill you!


- I'll kill him!
- Give me the revolver!

- Leave me!
- Let's not mess with guns!

- Don't be afraid, I don't look!
- How dare you?

- Can I dress up?
- Those are for "bailar"!

- So this?
- "Tampoco" this!

Tell Mr. Tampoco I need it
because I'm a poor wretch!

Back ! I am Mr. Alonzo and I
have to wash the shame with blood!



- The shame is washed away!
- Did he kill him? - Yup.

The honor of the Alonzos is safe!
I'm at your disposal.

Poor teacher, it's our fault.

It was an unexpected
but fortunate complication.

Calm down, gentlemen!
Let's go to the dressing rooms.


- They sold your painting for 200 million and left.
- No !

- That's it!
- 200 million my painting?

- Read on.
- It's true !

Well done! These "Maja" make it!

I didn't think I was worth that much.
200 million! Strawberry trees!

- I have an idea... don't tell me.
- I'm not talking!

I say, "don't tell me" to say, it's
an interlayer. Let's go to the Prado.


Ladies and gentlemen,
a moment of silence.

Mrs. Harrison has
to tell you something.

Finally you can admire my
new purchase, the Maja in Shirt!

This way.

Marquis, he made me happy by
selling me this wonderful painting.

It is not my merit, but of
Professor Francisco Montiel.

The credit is not mine,
but only the Goya!

- Goya!
- If I'm not wrong.

Start with doubts! We take the
check and leave. Distract him.

Professor, I want to
teach you a new dance.

- Madam, shouldn't the notary come?
- He's waiting for us in the sitting room.

Money is the last thing, the
important thing is to sign the deed.


- Remember one of Botticelli's Graces.
- what do I remind you?

- Professor, do you want to dance?
- I understand perfectly well.

Is that so?

-I am happy to meet you again, do you remember me?
- Of course.

I've been looking for her all over
Madrid, but this time she won't escape me.

- Professor, this is a friend.
- Pablo Segura, the matador!

- Does he want to dance with me?
- No, this is already the professor's.

Excuse me, I couldn't talk over there.

Pablo, I like you very much, but
unfortunately this is not the time.

Why ? You said I'm a
friend, but I want to be more!

- I'm in love with you !
- Now I can't leave the professor.

- I can't explain now.
- No ! From now on you will stay with me!

Stop !

- It must be here. Look at the number.
- Yup.

Off with that cart!
The service entrance is behind.

Excuse me, monsignor. We are not
the laborers of the butcher or the milkman.

- We brought some paintings to the lady.
- Paintings ? - Yup.

- Is this the lady who bought the Maja in Shirt?
- Yup.

- We brought a stock...
- The stock and the cod! Shut up !

I brought the cod...
you see it?

I wore the Maja in
Underpants, in Bra, in Bikini,

- and other smaller "majettas".
- Paintings of the Maja!

- Yup !
- The lady will be happy!

Me too ! The lady pays these
paintings 200 million each!

I have 6! 6 times 8 is 48!
480 thousand lire!

- No ! Master, can I say something?
- Yes, don't tell me.

- I have to say.
- Yes, don't tell me! Speaks !

- One billion and two hundred million!
- I got it ? - You said 480 thousand!

- 480 thousand lire in advance!
- Forget it !

No, you have to say these things!
Excuse me, monsignor, you are stupid.

- I'm going to tell the lady.
- No ! It would spoil the surprise!

- We go in...
- We put the "Maje" in line...

The lady puts on the "maje"...
you will see what a surprise! Help me.

Sorry to part with such
a masterpiece for money.

The vile money!
But that's life, lady.

To you.

- If you want to sign the check...
- Wait a minute. First the deed.

- I sign the deed. - I have to read it.
- I trust. - It wouldn't be regular.


(TOBIA) Easy!
I don't understand why it runs!

Dear sir, I have
to do other things.

- He feels bad ?
- No ! No, no!

I had a hallucination.

- No !
- You don't like what I wrote?

Fine, but I feel bad.
I have to get away for a moment.

- It is not possible to interrupt the reading.
- Let's start again later.

(IN ENGLISH) Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Return ! I'll go for a moment...
this is a carousel!

The Marquis is strange!

- Have you seen?
- Yes, over there!

Then he is not dead!
Why ? Dear teacher!

- Hello ! - What are you doing here ?
- And you?

- What did he come to do?
- You sold my Maja for 200 million

and I said to myself:
"These false Maja make it"!

But now let's talk about her...
how is the lady?

Don't tell me, don't tell me!
How is she? Do not tell me !

- Do not tell me. How is she?
- Do I have to tell? - It's an interlayer.

-She is fine and she is here.
- Really ?

- Would you like to say hello?
- Maybe ! Are you sorry? - No.

I put the paintings in place to
surprise the billionaire and come back.

- José, take the teacher to the lady!
- Immediately !

(SUBHEADING) Stupid, that's an excuse.
Make it disappear.

- If you want, I'll kick him right away.
- There are people here.

Take it out.

"Out" ? I understand ! Long last !

José, accompany him. See you later !

- Have you seen the Marquis's niece?
- No...

Alt! What is this mess?

This Maja was painted by the
same author as the Maja in Shirt.

Don't insult the Goya!

- The Maja in Shirt was painted by Scorcelletti.
- Who ?

Scorcelletti, the
great Italian copyist.

- It is not possible !
- but yes!

He painted it on the order of
the Marquis of Castelmoscardo.

Stop with your hands!

The Marquis of Castelmoscardo!
I understood everything !

- Permission!
- Excuse me, professor.

I was duped by an adventurer

who pretended to
be in love with me!

I have mistaken any copy for a
Goya! What will they say about me now?

Stop there!

- I have only one solution left.
- Which ?

You will know!

Power !

Weighs. Now that I've got the
rope and the stone, what do we do?

- A good game.
- Can't we go to the lady first?

- No, it's better right now.
- Yup.

- There is a well back there.
- A well ? Wow!

- Now I'll put the stone around your neck and throw you in.
- Really ?

Is this a game? He puts the stone
around my neck and throws me in!

What laughter! It's beautiful !

He ?

Cursed ! Come here, I
want to throw you in the well!

- Sorry, a mishap. Shall we sign?
- One moment !

- We're not done reading.
- No ? - We have to start over.

- In front of her...
- "In front of me..."

Do you really want to throw me in the well?
I've never been to the wells!

This is a foreign well, I'm
used to the Italian ones!

Ah !!!!

Help ! Hey, the ones up there!

Call the fire brigade, I'm drowning!
I'm in the well, here it stinks!

"..Read, approved and undersigned."

- I sign the deed and the lady signs the check.
- No, lady first.

- Thank you.
- One moment.

The phone rings!

- Hello? For her.
- For me ? Hello?

Hello, Raul?

I fixed everything. I threw
it in the well! You're happy ?

Very happy! Good ! Good boy !


Wait!... she hung up.

I have to get away for a moment.
Meanwhile I take the check...

- No, first you have to sign the 4 copies and the 4 codicils.
- Here we drown!

- Who is drowning?
- We drown, checks, codicils...

- If you want the check, you have to sign.
- Okay, I'll be right back.

- I sign and collect.
- All right.

- Ah!
- What are you doing here?

I arrived before her!

They threw me into a well and
now she had to fall on me too!

- I wanted to commit suicide!
- Kill yourself! Nobody forbids it!

What does she do? Help !
She is crazy! She is crazy!

José made a mistake, he
threw Scorcelletti into the well.

- Is alive ?
-Yes, but she is in the well! It must be saved.

- How do I do it alone?
- I can't, they're signing the check.

If Scorcelletti dies, we all end
up with the rope here, even you!

Eva, that door to the garden,
go to the well. Help me, save me!