Top Hat (1935) - full transcript

I beg your pardon.

Good evening.

- Good evening.
- Good evening, Mr. Hardwick.

- Has Mr. Jerry Travers come in yet?
- Yes, sir.

He's been waiting for you
the entire evening, sir.

The entire evening? Oh, dear.

Thanks.

Begging your pardon, sir.

But is that the Mr. Travers,
the well-known American gentleman, sir?

It is indeed.

He's come over to star in my show.
It's his first London appearance.



Your show, Mr. Hardwick?

I'm producing it.

But I don't want
any of the members here to know.

I want to surprise them.

I'm sure they'll be surprised,
Mr. Hardwick.

Hello, Jerry. I'm sorry I kept you waiting.

Jerry, there are a lot of things
that I have to discuss.

So I want you to come over
to my hotel now.

What happened?

Jerry, I forgot to tell you.
I want you to stay here for the night.

I'm sorry, I can't do it.

But you must, old man, really.

You see, at the moment, I'm having
a sort of a problem with my valet.

What do you want me to do,
press your pants?



No. You wouldn't know how.

No, you don't understand.
It's my man, Bates.

- We've had a bit of a tiff.
- How terrible.

- You didn't come to blows or anything?
- Nothing like that.

We're not speaking to each other.
We've had rather a clash of taste.

You see, Bates insists that a square tie...

is the only possible tie
that can be worn with evening clothes.

A square tie, imagine.
I prefer the butterfly.

- I think Bates is right.
- Bates is never right.

- Well, then why don't you fire him?
- That's a little difficult.

I'm hoping against hope
that the man will just disappear.

I hate to interfere
in these little family squabbles.

But let's hope he'll approve of me.

There's never any telling with Bates.

There you are.

If you please.

- Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.

Allow us to introduce ourselves, sir.
We are Bates, sir.

Really?

- We are Jerry Travers.
- Welcome to our m?nage.

Thank you, Bates.
It seems that I'm to stay here tonight.

At least that was the idea
of our beloved impresario.

Whose idea?

Mr. Hardwick's.

His idea.

Welcome anyhow.

Thank you, Bates.

Pardon, sir, but may we make
a personal observation?

- Not too personal.
- No, sir.

It's merely that we feel impelled
to compliment you, sir...

upon your excellent taste in ties.

- They like me.
- You never know.

Where on earth did you ever find him?

From the Salvation Army,
as a matter of fact.

I sent them a pair of very old shoes.

I see. And the shoes came back
and Bates was in them.

And he's been wearing
my good ones ever since.

- How's Madge feeling?
- She's fine. Thanks, Jerry.

The climate at the Lido
has done her a lot of good.

That's fine. Too bad she won't be here
for the opening tomorrow night.

Isn't it? She's heartbroken, really.

However, she's expecting us to fly down
to Italy for a weekend.

Fly down to Italy for a weekend?
I can't. I haven't got any goggles.

My word, Jerry, you'll have to go.
She's counting on us.

She's going to have
a young friend visit her.

I suspect there's something in the air.

You know Madge
and her matchmaking proclivities.

Is she expecting me
for a weekend or a wedding?

You can't tell. You know how wives are.

No, I don't. How are they?

Wives? They always have a little scheme.

Look here, I think it's about time
you found out for yourself.

- You do?
- I certainly do.

No, thanks, Horace.

In me you see a youth
who's completely on the loose.

No yens, no yearning.

Hello. This is Miss Tremont.

I'd like to speak
to the manager immediately.

Hello. Are you there?

Who? The manager. Yes.
I can't hear a word you're saying.

There's a young lady downstairs.

A young lady. At this time of night?

She can't come up here now.
No, I'd better come down myself.

Jerry, go right ahead.

A young lady downstairs
evidently wants to see me.

Hello.

Won't you come in?

I'm awfully glad you dropped in.

I dropped up from the room below,
where I've been trying to get some sleep.

I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I was disturbing you.

You see, every once in a while,
I suddenly find myself...

dancing.

I suppose it's some kind of an affliction?

Yes, it's an affliction.

St. Vitus' dance.

And it only occurs at this time of night?

Yes, that's it.
It only occurs at this time of night.

As a matter of fact,
I really shouldn't be left alone.

Yes, I can see that.

You probably should have
a couple of guards.

I think you're very unkind
to make fun of me.

I'm sorry.

- I wish you wouldn't leave.
- Why not?

I think I feel an attack coming on.

See, there it is.

So I see.

There's only one thing that'll stop me.

You must tell me what it is.

My nurses always
put their arms around me.

I'll call the house detective
and tell him to put his arms around you.

Good night.

What are you doing here?
What are you carrying that for?

- Who was the young lady?
- What young lady?

That call wasn't for me. It was for you.

Somebody has registered a complaint.

I know. I've just seen the complaint.

She's lovely, she's delightful,
she's charming, and she wants to sleep.

She does?

And I'm going to help her,
and you're going to help me. Take this.

No, bring it in here
and guard it with your life.

- What are you going to do?
- Never mind.

Look here, what's the idea?

The young lady downstairs wants to sleep.

So you told me.

I've appointed myself her official sandman.

But, Jerry...

What else have you got?

I'm sorry, sir,
but you've cleaned out the shop.

You better tell them
to plant some more for tomorrow.

They are all to go
to Miss Dale Tremont, sir?

That's right.

Her room number is 304.

What's that?

That's for the opening
of a butcher shop, sir.

- Send that up, too.
- But, sir, a horseshoe?

Why, yes, I may want to order
a peach orchard tomorrow.

What's the number of your room, sir?

Just charge it to Horace Hardwick,
room 404.

Yes, sir.

I wonder what Mr. Beddini
is going to say about this.

What can he say?

He's been sending her flowers daily
ever since they came here.

And entre nous...

the desk clerk has intimated...

that Mr. Beddini provides Miss Tremont
with all the niceties...

including her clothes.

Really?

And her niceties are very nice.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- I do hope you slept well last night.
- I slept well enough, but not long enough.

I'm sorry. I was hoping...

there was something I could do
to square myself.

That's quite all right.

I thought perhaps I could drive you
to the stables.

No, thank you. I have a hansom cab
waiting for me outside.

With a horse in front of it?

Yes. You see,
the stable people always use them.

They feel the horse is coming back.

Where's he been?

We're leaving tonight.
Has Mr. Beddini made arrangements?

Yes, Miss Tremont.

He's ordered your baggage
to be picked up at 7:00.

Thank you.

- Driver.
- Yes, miss?

Can't you go any faster than this?

Lord love a duck, miss. I can,
but I'm not allowed to leave the horse.

I meant the horse, of course.

It's like this, miss.
You see, the horse is kind of tired today...

on account of having won
the Grand National on Friday.

Are you trying to tell me
that this is a racehorse?

Yes, miss, and I've got his pedigree, too.

As a matter of fact,
his sire was Man O'War.

Who was his dam?

- I beg your pardon, miss?
- I said, who was his dam?

I don't know, miss. He didn't give a...

Peekaboo.

Stop this cab at once.

I don't know how.

I've never handled anything
more complicated than a Duesenberg.

Take it easy, Mavis.

What are we going to do?

In dealing with a girl or horse,
one just lets nature take its course.

There we are, miss.

I told you the horse
would bring you to the right place.

What is this strange power
you have over horses?

Horsepower.

Don't I even get any thanks?

Buy yourself a new hat.

Cab, miss?

May I rescue you?

No, thank you, I prefer being in distress.

Charming little spot you have here.

When does the concert start?

Just as soon as you and the rain stop.

Now, please.

You wouldn't like to be
just a little bit more friendly, would you?

Why should I?
I don't know you from Adam.

Maybe it's the way I'm dressed.

Are you afraid of thunder?

No, it's just the noise.

You know what thunder is, don't you?

Of course.

It's something about the air.

No, when a clumsy cloud from here
meets a fluffy little cloud from there...

he billows towards her...

she scurries away
and he scuds right up to her.

She cries a little...

and there you have your shower.

He comforts her.

They spark.

That's the lightning.

They kiss.

Thunder.

Who is sending you this horse's shoe?

How cute.

Alberto, I've seen him.
I've talked to him. I've danced with him.

- Him? Who is this him?
- Who?

His name is Adam.

You forget this Adam.

You have promised to go with me to Italy.

Your friend Madge Hardwick
is awaiting you.

There, you will dazzle the eyes
in clothes designed by Alberto Beddini.

Alberto, I hope you don't mind,
but I'm not going to the Lido.

Madre mia. What you say?

My dear, listen to me.
We have made agreement.

Beddini designs the clothes...

which you wear among your friends,
the smart people.

So that they ask:

"Who is so smart
as to make these smart clothes?"

And you say,
"Who? Who is so smart? Beddini."

Forget this Adam. Beddini demands it.

Beddini does, does he?

Alberto, up to the present, our relationship
has been purely a business one.

But if you start interfering
in my personal affairs...

I'll go back to America
and live on the dole.

Now, Dale darling, I'm so sorry.
I did not mean to interfere.

Go ahead, fall in love with this Adam.
Marry him.

But, as Mrs. Adam, what would you wear?

Fig leaves.

Thank you, sir.

Dale, a telegram for you.

Read it to me, please.

"Come ahead, stop.

"Stop being a sap, stop.

"You can even bring Alberto, stop.

"My husband is stopping
at your hotel, stop.

"When do you start, stop."

I cannot understand. Who wrote this?

Sounds like Gertrude Stein.

No, it's from Madge Hardwick.

She says her husband is stopping
at this hotel and will look you up.

Wonder what kind of man Madge married.

He's sure to have influence.
Let's be nice to him.

I'm going to be too busy
being nice to somebody else.

Dale, you can't do this.

All my life I have promised my dresses
to take them to Italy...

and you must be in them.

Sorry, Alberto, but I'm unpacking.

Never again will I allow
women to wear my dresses.

- Good evening, Miss Tremont.
- Good evening.

Mr. Beddini and I have decided to stay.

I'm so glad. Then I'll cancel the order
about the bags.

Thank you. Is there a Mr. Hardwick
stopping at this hotel?

Why, yes, Miss Tremont.
Mr. Hardwick has room 404.

Just above you.

- Are you sure?
- Definitely, miss.

As a matter of fact,
there's Mr. Hardwick now...

on the mezzanine.

The gentleman
with the briefcase and cane.

- Horace, here's a telegram for you.
- For me?

- It's from Italy.
- Italy? That's probably from Madge.

There's a message in your room
to call the box office.

Some trouble about the tickets
or something.

Trouble? With the tickets?

My word, Jerry. Why, they wouldn't dare.

Will you hold those things for me please?
Get a taxi and I'll meet you downstairs.

All right.

Cab, miss?

When a clumsy cloud meets
a fluffy little cloud.

We're only trying
to investigate matters, miss.

We must protect our guests.

She does not need your protection.
I am too much protection enough.

There's nothing to investigate.
Nothing matters, nothing's happened.

Will you please ask
these gentlemen to go?

You mean to tell me
that girl slapped your face...

in front of all those people for nothing?

What would you have done, sold tickets?

I mean, you did nothing,
and yet she slapped your face?

- Now you're getting it.
- I wish you'd be serious about this.

One breath of scandal at this time
will ruin our show.

Why, I'd rather have had it happen
to me than to you.

- If you enjoy that sort of thing.
- I do, immensely.

Don't be absurd.

I hate men. I hate you. I hate all men!

But cara mia, you make a big mistake.

I am no man.

I am Beddini.

How could he have made love to me
when he was married all the time?

And to Madge of all people.

So, this snake in the grass, this Adam...

already he has eaten the apple?

Yes.

I will kill him for you.

Have you finished packing?

But you do not understand.

We Beddinis have the motto:

For the woman, the kiss.

For the man, the sword.

And what have you got for the children?

Are we leaving or aren't we?

No, you cannot go back to America.
We must go to the Lido.

But I can't face his wife.

And why not?
Women are facing wives every day.

And, after all, you can't avoid seeing
Madge sometime, can you?

I guess not.

Very well then.
Why not face the musicians now?

All right. Maybe she ought to know.

Bravo.

But let us stay just till I kill him for you.

Alberto, stop acting like Cellini.

Yes, but it is the family tradition.

Dale, you know, my father killed
a man once just before I was born.

You're sure
you didn't forget yourself in the park?

Positive.

If I ever forgot myself with that girl,
I'd remember it.

- We're the management.
- Are you?

Oh, dear. Some more
of these plural personalities.

Just a moment.

Jerry, get into my bedroom, quick.
No one must know you're here.

If they ever suspect that you're in this,
it'll be in every newspaper in an hour.

Well, gentlemen,
this is a pleasant surprise.

A small matter of great import
has come to our attention, sir.

I am up here in your interest
and to protect the hotel.

- We wish to avoid any scandal.
- Scandal?

Yes, in connection
with a certain slap in the face.

The young lady refuses to divulge
why she slapped you.

Well, she didn't slap my face.

Who did she slap?

Why, it was... Who?

It was he, my valet.

Me, sir?

Why, of course. Don't argue with me.
How did it happen?

Possibly we had been
a little imprudent, sir.

Of course. You see,
we had been a little imprudent.

But you said it wasn't you.

Not Mr. Hardwick.

Gentlemen, we take all the blame myself.

And there we are. There you are.

You see, it was just a mistake.
I'll take him to task personally.

- Thank you, sir.
- Not at all.

- Good night.
- Not at all.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Bates, thank you.

You know, really,
you are an invaluable assistant.

Thank you, sir. Allow us, sir.

Thank you, Bates.

- Your coat, sir.
- Really?

This is like old times, isn't it?
Your helping me with my coat, I mean.

It's a pleasure we have missed, sir.

- Thank you, Bates.
- Thank you, sir.

How is our lumbago this evening, sir?

- It's so much better, Bates, thank you.
- Thank you, sir.

- Bates.
- Yes, sir?

There's a crisis afoot.
Couldn't we bury the hatchet?

I mean, couldn't we forget
all about the ties?

Sic transit gloria mundi, sir.

- Bates.
- Yes, sir.

Mr. Travers is in trouble.

He's practically put his foot
right into a hornet's nest.

But, hornets' nests grow on trees, sir.

Never mind that.
We have got to do something.

What about rubbing it with butter, sir?

You blasted fool,
you can't rub a girl with butter!

My sister got into a hornets' nest
and we rubbed her with butter, sir.

That's the wrong treatment.
You should have used mud.

Never mind that!

Mr. Travers is in trouble.

It is liable to develop into a scandal
that will involve all of us.

There's a young lady in the room below us.

I've seen her, sir.

I want you to find out
all you can about her.

Follow her wherever she goes.
Never take your eyes off her.

- Never, sir?
- Never.

- Whither she goes...
- Thither I, sir.

Right you are, sir. Whither or thither.

- What happened?
- It's all right. I fixed it.

But things are getting involved.
This is a deep-laid plot.

Nonsense. Why should this girl want
to involve me?

Why, for money, of course. Publicity.
Anything to create a scandal.

I'm going to see her and buy her off.

You're not. If anyone's going to buy
her anything, I am going to do it.

No, you stay right here.
I'll clear this all up myself.

It's probably some little thing you did...

carried away for the moment,
that offended her sense of decorum.

If I did, I'm going right down
and do it again. Goodbye, old boy.

Come along, cara mia.

- Get me a taxi, quickly.
- Taxi.

Follow that cab.

Come in.

Where's the young lady
that has this room?

She's gone, sir.

- Gone?
- Yes, sir.

You don't mind if I get on with me work?

I gotta get these flowers out
in the morning's rubbish.

That's all right, go ahead. Go right ahead.

Jerry, do you realize that we have
less than an hour before the show opens?

We've got to get out of here. Come on.

Women do strange things sometimes,
don't they, George?

Yes, sir.

- That first act was simply marvelous.
- Good.

Everybody's crazy about it.
The critics are raving.

I've got some more good news.

- Did you find out were she's gone?
- She? Oh, that girl.

No, but, Jerry, please.
The entire Thackeray Club is out in front.

You don't suppose
my dancing has disturbed them?

I don't think so. They didn't say.
Of course not. It's perfectly all right here.

Second act begins, Mr. Travers.

Thanks. I'll be there.

Really, the second act.
A lot of telegrams for you.

I'll be right back as soon as the act is over.

My word, I never read
my own telegram from Madge.

Isn't it too bad she isn't here tonight?

The biggest night of my life
and she isn't here.

- What does she say?
- All kinds of good wishes for our success.

Sorry we can't fly down to Italy after
the performance to meet her friend.

Her little friend is in London,
staying at my hotel.

Her name is Tremont.

Tremont? Wait a minute. Let me see that.

Horace, hire a plane right away.
We're leaving for Italy in the morning.

One minute, Mr. Travers.

You can't do that. The seats were sold out
for months in advance.

How long does it take to fly there?

Seven hours. You have to be back
Monday for a performance.

Charter a plane for the weekend,
we'll be back in time.

You're on, Mr. Travers.

I will not jeopardize my position.

If you want this show to run two nights,
get me a plane now.

- What kind of a plane?
- One with wings.

I'll go look for Madge
and see you later for cocktails.

- Dale, when did you get down?
- Just now.

Good. Have something to drink.

Horse's neck.

- It's grand seeing you.
- And it's grand seeing you.

Now tell me, did my husband look you up?

- Yes.
- How did he impress you?

I think he is very fascinating.

Fascinating?

You know, every once in a while, the effect
Horace has on people surprises me.

He sort of surprised me, too.

I'm glad you liked him.
He will be here today.

No. He can't...

What's the matter? Did he flirt with you?

He sent me a room full of flowers.

That was sweet of him.

But, Madge, you don't understand, he...

- He chased me in the park.
- Really?

I didn't know
Horace was capable of that much activity.

Did he catch you?

- Yes.
- Good for Horace.

Why, Madge, you shock me.

Horace flirts with
every attractive girl he meets.

He doesn't mean anything.

That's a funny way to take it.

My dear, when you are as old as I am,
you'll take your men as you find them.

If you can find them.

And another thing, Jerry.

The gossip at the hotel
was that this man, Beddini...

was supplying her with everything.
Money, clothes, flowers.

No, Horace, you provided the flowers.

I? I never did anything.
I didn't even know her. Don't be ridiculous.

But anyway, as soon as we land,
I'm going to see Madge...

and I am going to find out from her
just who and what this Tremont person is.

I only want to find out where.

Now, Jerry, I warn you...

you don't realize the trouble
a designing woman can make for a man.

Now, I know all about these things.
I wouldn't tell this to anybody.

I am the victim
of a designing woman myself.

- Surely you don't mean Madge?
- Why, certainly, who else?

Not Madge. She doesn't know
anything about it either.

Her name is Violet.

She is what the French call a passade.

I see. Little ships that pass in the night.

Ships? Yes. Exactly.

I met her at the birdhouse in the zoo.

She was a very pretty little thing
and she seemed to be quite frightened.

Of the birds?

Yes. You see,
she had led a very sheltered life.

It was the storks in particular
that worried her.

I took her to a cinema...

and then we had dinner
and then I took her to another cinema.

Then I fear
I forgot myself and let her kiss me.

That must be his plane now. Come on.

No, I'd rather not.

Come on. If I were you...

I wouldn't miss this opportunity
of seeing the early worm get the bird.

You know, Dale, I haven't told you
the real reason I asked you down here.

Haven't you?

No, I feel I've known you long enough
to have the right to talk to you this way.

In spite of the fact that
all men are males...

there is no feeling so secure as having
a good, reliable husband. I know.

- Jerry.
- Hello, Madge, I'll see you in a minute.

Where did Miss Tremont go?

- Dale didn't tell me she'd met you.
- Yes, we've met.

Fine, I've arranged
a little dinner party for all of us.

Let's eat now.

Leave the child alone,
she's a little upset about something.

- Really?
- Yes. Tell me, how did Dale strike you?

- Right between the eyes.
- Good.

- Where's Horace?
- I left him struggling with the baggage.

The hotel's crowded and both of you
will have to bunk together tonight.

Dale's with me.

- Did you get that room for my husband?
- Si, signora, but I am so sorry...

because of the carnival,
the only thing available is the bridal suite.

- The bridal suite.
- How romantic. Thank you.

Signor, are you Horace Hardwick?

Thank you, I am. How do you do?

- I am very displeased to meet you.
- Really?

What do you mean, displeased?

Signor, I warn you.

For men of your kind,
this is not a healthy place.

My dear fellow, this is one
of the healthiest spots in Europe.

The air, the breeze, the flowers.

So it is funny tricks you're being.

I warn you...

never let your path
criss-cross mine again, or the heart...

- Horace.
- How do you do?

Madge, darling.

My, your passion frightens me.

- Been practicing?
- Yes. Well, scarcely. No.

Madge, what do you think
has happened to me?

- I know. You got your first long trousers.
- Madge, please.

There's something down here
that I have to investigate...

and Jerry thinks that I...
Maybe I better tell it anonymously.

You know, it sounds as if you were
about to confess something, Horace.

Does it? What would I have to confess?

You really want to tell me
about Dale Tremont, don't you?

Yes, but then again, no.

You see, as a matter of fact,
I haven't even met her yet.

- You haven't met her?
- No.

If that's your story, Horace, you stick to it.

I suppose you weren't in the park, either.

The park, my dear girl,
it happened in the zoo. What?

The zoo... Yes. The zoo was in the park.
How did you know I was there?

- A little bird told me.
- The stork?

I think, after the trip I better clean up a bit.

- Of course, I understand just how you feel.
- Yes.

- What's the matter?
- It's Madge.

- Has she been chasing you?
- No.

Jerry, I think she's found out about Violet.

And I just had my life threatened.

But what did he say?

He just lied in a straightforward manner,
and said he'd never met you.

- He did, did he?
- I told you he'd forget all about you.

I'll make him remember me
in a manner he'll never forget.

Has Horace been away from you lately
for any length of time?

Well, he was alone
on the Continent last year.

Connect me
with Mr. Hardwick's apartment, please.

Madge, have you any objections
if I scare your husband...

so that he'll never look at another woman?

Dale, no husband
is ever too scared to look.

Hello.

Hello, where are you?

So you do remember me?
He remembers me all right.

- Are you alone?
- Completely and desolately.

Fine. I'll be right up.

Horace, she's coming up.

She's coming up here?
She can't do that. It isn't proper.

- She wants to see me alone.
- Alone? Jerry.

What did I tell you?
She wants to compromise you.

Rack your brains, please.

Couldn't you have met
that girl someplace else before?

I could have met her in Moscow.

- In Moscow. You see?
- But I've never been to Moscow.

Couldn't you have met her in Paris?

The last time I was in Paris,
I was 10 years old.

Jerry, I don't think it's safe
for you to see that girl alone.

I don't think it would be quite proper
for you to receive her that way.

Hello.

I know you'll think this is
a little unconventional of me...

but I just couldn't wait to see you alone.

I'm awfully glad you came up.

My darling.

Hello. How have you been?

I've been missing you terribly.

I came down
on the fastest plane I could get.

No, I meant before yesterday.

- Before yesterday?
- Yes, of course.

Don't you remember?

Should I?

Have you forgotten...

- what we've been to each other?
- No.

What we've been to each other...

I knew yesterday in the park,
when I was dancing in your arms...

- you remembered who I was.
- Of course.

Who are you?

Then you still don't remember?

I can try to remember something.

How could you forget
that funny little house...

and the suspicious concierge...

and that quaint little room?

We used to have tea and muffins
in front of the fireplace...

watching the
shadows leaping on the ceiling.

And those long walks down that
twisty cobblestone street to the river.

Paris is heavenly in the spring.

So that's where we met.

Yes, last year.

In Paris.

Why, of course.

It's all coming back to me now.

Is it?

Yes, but you weren't calling
yourself Dale Tremont.

- Wasn't I?
- No, it was...

Madeline, that was it.
I called you Mad for short.

You've put on a little weight, haven't you?

Remember that night on the Left Bank...

you had on that little blue dress
I bought for you?

And to think that I almost forgot you...

Tell me something.

Do you still have that awful weakness
for diamond bracelets?

I suppose I do.

Make yourself comfortable, darling.
I'll order some cocktails.

A little later on,
we'll have supper up here, just we two.

It'll be like old times, won't it?

I think I'd better be going.

I'll let you go on one condition.

Promise me, now that I found you again...

we can be to each other
what we were in Paris.

There, you see? I was right.

Of all the scheming, brazen creatures...

trying to pretend
that she met you in Paris.

Do you realize that she's
deliberately trying to trap you?

- What are you going to do about it?
- Marry her.

Jerry, this is no time for you to be funny.

All right, then, you be funny.

I'm going down
and ask her to marry me right now.

Jerry, please wait.

Now, before you make
a complete fool of yourself...

promise me that you won't ask her...

until I find out from Madge
more about her past.

All right, you find out all about her past...

and I'll go down and plan her future.

- Remember, that's a promise.
- All right, it's a promise.

What happened? Did you scare him?

No. He scared me.

What did he do, make faces at you?

You know, sometimes
I get up in the morning...

and I take a good look at him
and he frightens me, too.

He mistook me for someone called
Madeline he'd met in Paris.

Really?

Madge, do you think you ought
to let him go away from you alone?

I don't believe he was nearly so innocent
in Paris as you seem to think.

Darling, you interest me.
I must send him to China next year.

But, Madge,
you don't seem to understand.

I'm trying to tell you that I'm afraid...

that we're carrying this thing too far.

You know, I wonder if you've seen
something in Horace...

that I've never seen.

I wonder what's keeping Horace.

What's the matter?

I'm afraid I'm going to have a headache.

Don't go. This is a meeting
I've been planning a long time.

Good evening.

It's nice to see you again, Miss Tremont.

You've robbed me of the pleasure
of introducing you two.

You've already met.

Yes, we've met last spring.

I hope you see a lot of each other.

You know, Madge is
the most understanding person.

She seems to know instinctively
the kind of girl that interests me.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

That's sweet of you, darling.

You two run along and dance,
and don't give me another thought.

That's what I'm afraid of.

I think Madge is a very brave person.

Yes, I have
a tremendous admiration for her.

Well, if Madge doesn't care,
I certainly don't.

Neither do I, all I know is that it's...

Why don't you tell me
what this is all about?

You know we never met in Paris.

I know. I'm afraid
I haven't been quite fair with you.

You see, I know who you are.

What difference does that make?

- So that doesn't make any difference?
- No, why should it?

I don't know who you are, and I don't care.

That's big of you.

Well...

Well, what?

Aren't you now supposed to say...

we should think
only of what we mean to each other...

that we're entitled to live our own lives?

I don't think I'd say it
that way exactly, but aren't we?

Go on.

If it weren't for a promise I made
in a moment of weakness...

I would go on.

You made a promise.

That shouldn't make
much difference to you.

That's right. Forget it, marry me.

How could I have fallen in love
with anyone as low as you?

She loves me.

- What are you doing?
- Packing.

I'm leaving. You don't know
what a mess we've got into.

Why, what's the matter?

Your husband.

- He wants to divorce you and marry me.
- I see.

He wants to do right by both of us.
Did he mention any settlement?

No.

That'll come later.

He'll probably want me
to pay myself alimony.

Now listen, Dale. I don't want you to go.
That won't solve anything.

I can't stay here under the circumstances.

Here or there,
as long as you remain a spinster...

you're fair game for any philandering male.

You know, what you really should have...

is a husband you can call your own.

Seriously, I mean it.

But what are we going to do
about your husband?

Don't worry, dear. I'll do it.

Come in.

Darling.

All I said was darling and she smacked me.

Jerry, how does it look? Tell me frankly.

It looks like a sunrise by Maxfield Parrish.

Jerry, that's terrible.

I can't go around now like this.

Put a piece of raw steak on it.
That'll take the swelling down.

It would?

- A steak?
- Sure.

Yes, sir.

- Order a steak.
- A steak. Very good, sir.

You know, Jerry, I can't imagine
what's got into Madge recently.

She's never hit me before.

Maybe she just never thought of it before.

Room service.

Yes. This is the bridal suite.

Yes, will you please send up
a nice, juicy steak?

I beg your pardon?

Yes, mashed potatoes, and carrots...

and spinach. Yes, of course, coffee...

As soon as you get your eye fixed,
we'll go down and see Madge.

Where do you want it, sir?

- Want what, Bates?
- The steak, sir.

On my eye.

On your eye, sir?

My word, why do I always
have to say things twice?

On my eye means on my eye, doesn't it?

- I beg your pardon, sir.
- Don't argue!

Jerry, you see what I'm up against.

The man has a sluggish brain,
always wants to debate things.

First it's a maniac, and then it's Madge,
and now it's Bates.

I give you my word,
if anything else happens, I'll go insane.

We are a grand success.

Every woman, she's saying this dress,
she's wonderful.

This Beddini is the tops.

I'm so happy.

No, but, cara mia, it's not the dress,
it's not Beddini.

It's you who wears it.

Thank you, Alberto.

What is it? Is it Adam again?

His Garden of Eden...

he has made you sad?

It's just that I'm all mixed up, that's all.

Why worry about this man?

I think I'm worrying more about his wife.

Beddini does not like to see you so sad.

Alberto, you seem to be
the only one left I can turn to.

Why don't you marry Beddini?
He'll make you happy.

Why not? I'm rich, I'm pretty...

and then this Hardwick
will leave you alone.

I'll marry you if you really want me to...

but let's do it right away.

First of all,
we'll get you straightened out...

and then I'll ask Madge about Dale.

Mr. Hardwick, dear sir, one of our
guests has informed us...

that he is to be married this evening.

We wondered
if you would give up your bridal suite.

- Give it up? Why we...
- We've hardly settled in it yet.

- Have we, angel?
- No, and all our clothes are... Please.

- Of course you may have it.
- Thank you, sir.

I shall remove you elsewhere.

Come on, dear sir, brace up.

Madge has merely heard something
about this Violet girl.

We know it isn't the truth,
you tell her yourself...

that's all she's waiting for.

I know. That's what I'm afraid of.

Always remember that the truth
has never hurt any man.

Jerry, you are right.

Anyway, if it does,
I'll go to the hospital with you.

Horace, what is this, Halloween?

Madge, Horace has
a little confession to make.

I've been waiting for this for some time.

Come right in and get it off your chest.

You'd better take your glasses off.

Sit down.

You see, when Horace was in London,
he met a certain young lady.

And, Madge, you must have
had an inkling of this or...

- Or you wouldn't be telling me now.
- Never. What? Certainly.

What Horace means to say is...

that he'd like to make
a clean breast of the whole thing.

- Before I find out the truth.
- Exactly. Madge, this girl was... What?

Dear, I'm all mixed. Where am I?

- Hello.
- Madge, darling...

I wanted to call you
and tell you I just got married.

You got what?
I'm sorry, dear, I can't hear you.

It sounds just as if you said
you got married.

- I did.
- Where are you now?

Going to the bridal suite?

Very proper place
for a bride and groom, isn't it?

Darling, I must compliment you
on your speedy work...

but who on earth did you find
to marry you so quickly?

Alberto? You'd better hang up, Dale, dear.

- I think I'm going to faint.
- Dale.

What was that?

- Dale Tremont married?
- Yes, to that dressmaker.

- Good.
- Good? What did you have to do with this?

- It's all his fault.
- My fault?

Yes, she told me how you chased her
in the park and she slapped your face.

Yes, but I'm the one she slapped.

She's been mistaking me
for Horace all this time.

No wonder she thought
Horace was fascinating.

No wonder. I resent that.

- Madge, where is she now?
- On her way to the bridal suite.

Bridal suite.

I'll see you later.

But, Jerry, you can't do a thing like that.
It isn't fair.

All is fair in love and war,
and this is revolution.

- Yes, this is very pretty.
- Thank you, dear sir.

We are very proud
of our bridal arrangements.

Is there anything else, sir?

Yes, would you please ask my wife
to join me here?

It is a pleasure, dear sir.

What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?
- Yes, but this is my room.

- Yes, but this is my room.
- But I have the key.

But I have the key.

- But I am Beddini.
- You got me there, pal.

We will see who is the owner of this room.

But, Jerry, you shouldn't be in here.

- It isn't cricket.
- No, Horace, it isn't tiddlywinks either.

Signor, there is a man in my bed.

It's too bad. He's not here yet.

I'll just wait until my uncle returns.

Thank you.

Why, Jerry, I didn't know
that you had an uncle here.

- Didn't you know?
- No.

I haven't, but this room is
just above the bridal suite.

He's not here, signor.
If he returns, you will call us.

If he returns, I will kill him.

We Beddini have the motto:
For the woman, the kiss.

For the man, the sword.

Dale, you are lovely.

Like a flower I am afraid to crush.

Don't be afraid.

Alberto, make him stop!

Who is it? You know?

Yes, it's Horace.

Horace Hardwick, that interloper.

I'll stop him.

For the man, the sword.

Mrs. Hardwick's apartment, please.

- He's coming.
- Is he?

You keep this up and hold him
here as long as you can.

I will.

Madge, you'd better come over
and rescue Horace.

Alberto has gone after him with a sword.

Why, yes, of course.

I'm sorry to break in like this,
but I simply had to see you.

Will you please stop annoying me?

But you've been mistaken about me.

- I'm afraid I haven't.
- All right, then.

I'll stay right here and there will be
a scene with your husband.

He'll be furious if he finds you here.

Then please come with me
for a few minutes.

I've simply got to talk to you.

And so you see, my dear chap,
I am definitely the wrong person.

- But you are Horace Hardwick, no?
- Yes, of course I am Horace Hardwick.

Then you are not
the wrong person. Prepare.

Don't mind me.
I just came up to see the fun.

Madge, explain to this maniac that
he is making a very serious mistake.

He may be making a mistake,
but it's not serious.

Go right ahead, Alberto.

No, I cannot kill him before a lady.

If you're going to pull out on us, Alberto,
maybe it's best that you don't kill him.

I may want that pleasure myself someday.

But why didn't you tell me who you were?

After all, I mean, you never gave me
very much of a chance.

Mr. Travers!

Help, somebody.

I am so sorry.
I really did not want to kill you.

- You must forgive me.
- I forgive you.

Go right ahead, boys, don't mind me.

Not tonight, Alberto.

Some other time
when I'm feeling stronger.

Thank you.

- Pardon me, sir.
- What is it? What's the matter?

What have you been doing?

Pardon me, sir,
Mr. Travers and Miss Tremont, sir...

they're drifting out to the bay
in a gondola, sir.

There. That ought to make you
feel pretty small, accusing me.

- He's kidnapped her.
- Kidnapped her?

You are in this plot.
You are cahooting with him.

I've had just about enough...

Children, if Dale and Jerry
are drifting out to sea...

don't you think the best thing
we could do is rescue them?

Yes, come.

Isn't it marvelous to have some brains?
I'm always so helpless.

Don't answer me like that. Do something.

- Jerry.
- That isn't Jerry.

That's right. Make a fool of yourself.

It's no crime to look, is it?

- I think there is no gas left.
- My word, no petrol?

Perhaps I'd better look at the engine,
where is it?

They may have hidden it up there
under the hood.

This is the first time
I ever had to walk back from a boat ride.

Jerry, you mustn't come with me.
I'd rather talk to Alberto alone.

Alberto will have to get accustomed
to talking in front of me.

No, seriously,
I'd rather you wouldn't. Please.

When am I going to see you again?

I don't know.

Mr. Travers, they went after you, sir,
to look for you, sir, in a motorboat.

- Mr. Beddini, too?
- Yes, sir, all three of them...

but they won't be back this evening, sir.

We took the precaution
of removing the gasoline.

Thank you, Bates.

What is it, my good man?

Yes. I'm masquerading.

Don't you understand English?

You don't understand English?

Well, I've been waiting for an opportunity
like this since my childhood.

You frozen-faced flatfoot.

And grazie to you if it comes to that,
you stultified shrimp.

Can I help it if you look
like a mildewed donkey?

I'm adoring this.
And grazie to you, since you insist.

You see, I happen to be breaking the law.
I admit it wholeheartedly...

but, of course, you would never know that,
you fish-faced nincompoop.

Good night.

I arrest you for masquerading
as a gondolier.

I further charge you with insulting
an officer with vile names...

according to Rule Three, Section Three
of the law dealing with delinquents.

Beg your pardon, signoro,
the carnival is beginning.

Shall I serve now
or will you wait for the groom?

I don't think the groom
will be here tonight.

- Very good, sir.
- Very good? It's perfect.

I still feel a little guilty
being here with you...

while Alberto's out looking for us.

Let's eat, drink, and be merry,
for tomorrow we have to face him.

The hour of reckoning is at hand.

Beddini is about to settle his accounts.

Skipper, will you tell
my husband we're here?

He's the one with his mouth closed.

Listen, you two idiots,
Alberto is as mad as a drunken toreador.

- Where is he?
- He's gone up to the room.

If you take my advice, you'll take
the first plane back to London pronto.

Not until I've asked Mr. Beddini for his
wife's hand. Do you think he'll accept me?

- Mr. Hardwick.
- What do you want?

I regret to report, my dear sir,
that your manservant has been arrested.

- Bates? Really?
- Yes, sir.

He would have spent the whole night
in jail if I had not bailed him out.

You don't mean it.

Come in.

At last.

The little birdies have come flying back
to the rooster.

Mr. Beddini, we want to explain
this whole thing to you.

I will not listen to any excuses,
not even the truth.

Jerry, Madge,
I have the most amazing news.

A few days ago,
my invaluable manservant, Bates...

Allow me to tell them, sir, please.

Quiet, your turn will come later.

A few days ago,
my invaluable manservant, Bates...

The needle has gotten stuck in a crack.
You tell it, Bates.

Thank you, madam.

You see, Miss Dale, Mr. Hardwick thought
you were a dangerous woman.

And he asked me to follow you
in case you did something dangerous.

- Follow me?
- Yes, miss.

And in order to put you off the scent,
I thought of many little disguises.

This evening, I met
Mr. Beddini and Miss Tremont...

and fearing
that they might recognize me...

I turned my collar around...

like this.

And very cleverly, I became a clergyman.

You are the one who married us.

Yes, sir.

Then we've never been really married?

Precisely, miss.

Well, Mr. Beddini...

what are you doing
in this young lady's room?