Top Gear: The Perfect Road Trip (2013) - full transcript

It's a normal Tuesday in Britain.

There's a hint of
drizzle in the air

and traffic is at a standstill.

We know that driving is meant
to be more fun than this.

We know that cars are meant
to be more fun than this.

So we decided what we'd do is give
you an hour or so of escapism,

of perfect roads and perfect cars.

Yeah. So, what we're
going to do is

strip away all the things
that drive us mad,

roadworks, Peugeots,
speed cameras...

- James May.
- Yeah, we'll get rid of him.



He's always holding us up.

And then we will end up
with the perfect road trip.

Strangely, Jeremy insisted we
should start here, in Venice,

where all the streets
are full of water.

Why are we in Venice?

Because I wanted to drive
the Riva Aquarama.

Why?

Because it's the most
beautiful thing ever made

and because it's got two V8s.

Okay, we are starting
in Venice because

he wanted to drive
a... What is it?

- Riva Aquarama.
- Riva Aquarama.

The most beautiful
thing ever made.

The most beautiful thing ever made



and it's got... Two V8s?

- Two V8s.
- Two V8s.

And we're going to set off from
here on a journey across Italy,

across France, to...
Where are we going?

- Pau.
- To Pau... Pau?

Why are we going to Pau?

Because that is where the first
ever Grand Prix was held.

- Pau?
- Yeah.

- Never heard of it.
- The track's still there.

We're going to drive the
very first Grand Prix track.

Whatever. Between here and there,
we're going to be on motorways,

mountain roads, rally stages,
racetracks and cities.

And in every place, we are both
going to pick what we believe

is the perfect mode of transport.

It's going to be the perfect week.

Perfect weather, perfect start,
perfect boat, perfect everything.

- Perfect.
- And no James May.

That's better than perfect.

Over the next seven days,
our quest for perfection

would take us from Venice
towards the Italian Lakes.

From there we'd head south
to the Mediterranean,

for a drive along the French
Riviera to Saint-Tropez.

Then we'd swing
inland again towards

the finishing point at Pau.

Do we look like
Tubbs and Crockett?

Or Tubby and Crotchety?

No, seriously. That's
perfect, though.

Tubby and Crotchety.

Venice Vice.

Having docked the
L200,000 speedboat,

I switched to an even
more expensive car.

The new, grown-up, less tail-happy
Black edition of the SLS.

In Victorian times, people
would come through Venice

on what was called
"the grand tour",

so that's why I've
gone for the Mercedes,

because it is the
ultimate grand tourer.

Except, it isn't the ultimate
because this is, the Ferrari F12.

No, no. That's too powerful.

- Too powerful?
- It is too powerful.

I said that... It is.

You did say it on the programme
and I thought then...

You see this? I will be able
to use all of the power.

Yes?

In that, you will not be
able to use all of the power

because you'll end up halfway
up a telegraph pole.

No, I'll be able to
all of the power

but there will be more power than

you've got, that's
all that's about.

A grand tourer should be powerful

and creamy and grunty and...

Six hundred and twenty-two

horsepower, it's
not a wheelbarrow.

Seven hundred and
thirty. It's more.

- I know.
- Hammond.

Let's just go across Italy,
shall we, in our grand tourers?

Yes. Yes.

I'LL go quickly, you big girl.

Oh, God.

Oh, that's a lot of power.

Maybe that's too much.
No, it's not too much.

Jeremy's being a wuss.
It's just enough.

It's just I don't need to
use all of it right now.

I'm going to use a bit Less.
Maybe this much of it.

The changes from that
gearbox are incredible.

It's a double clutch gear
box. In actual fact,

it's exactly the same unit
as in Jeremy's Mercedes SLS.

It's just Ferrari have
put their own mapping,

their own computer control
on this particular one.

And it's set up so
that when you change,

it spikes the engine revs so
it surges when you change.

Dear God.

This body isn't just pretty,

it's been sculpted
to maximise the air

flowing over it to
generate down force

to stick it to the road

There have been a number of Black
Special Edition Mercs in the past

and almost all of them have been,

well, dreadful,
really. Undriveable.

They generated too much torque. So
every time you put your foot down,

it felt like they were trying
to tear themselves apart.

You'd be going along and
it'd be sucking birds

and trees and squirrels
into the engine

and then ripping up
the road and hurling

chunks of tarmac out of the back

and it was just...
They were ridiculous.

This, though, Mercedes
has been clever

because, yes, it generates
more power than a standard SLS

but 11 fewer torques. So now...

You put your foot down, it
translates that action into speed,

not destructions.

Oh, but you can't beat a V8.

I mean, yes, a V12 is
nice. But a V8 is nicer.

It just is.

I'm just saying you
can't beat a V8.

Oh, I like a 12, I do like a big
powerful, slightly angry 12.

That's a great car, that.

It's... You just give
it a little poke,

"Excuse me, could you..."

That is insane.

I was very happy.

And therefore a bit surprised
when Jeremy suddenly veered off

toward some old Italian town.

There it is.

- What? That?
- Yeah.

That is the actual balcony
from Romeo and Juliet.

- Yeah. Couple of points.
- What?

I've got a Ferrari, it's a
beautiful day, I'm in Italy.

You're looking at a balcony
that was in a story... Story.

Made up by a man who you
said you don't like.

I hate William Shakespeare
but it's... Come on.

It's not real, it's a
story. It was pretend.

You're on a tour of Europe,
you need to see stuff.

I'm on a tour of
Europe, in a Ferrari,

except I'm not in a Ferrari,

I'm standing here Looking
at an old building.

Happily, a big crowd of Italian
Top Gear fans then stopped him

from getting into
some old theatre so

we could get back on the motorway.

If he's going to
ruin this road trip

by stopping off to look at old
things that don't move, I'll...

I should've remembered, of course,

Hammond isn't going to want
to do anything cultural

and he isn't going to want
to eat anything interesting.

It's like travelling around
with a garden chair.

I therefore decided to
annoy him some more.

- Hammond?
- What?

Shall we turn off here?

What, now? Why would we?

Well, because I'm
bored of driving on

motorways, I want to
go on other roads.

Is there an old pile of bricks

or a gate that once featured
in a fairy tale down here?

No, no. It's driving but
just on nice roads.

We're not going to look at Hansel
and Gretel's handbag or something?

In fact, we were heading
for the Italian Lakes,

a sparkling jewel in the golden
crown of our perfect journey.

And soon I realised that cars
like these on days like these

have been used before, at the
beginning of. The Italian job.

I know just the music we need
for this bit of our drive.

Cue the Monro.

Ooh, this is pretty,

Looking at all of
these Italian things

from my Italian grand
touring supercar.

We just have to be careful
that if we go into a tunnel,

we don't hit a bulldozer.

Oh, that's just... Oh.

This is just magnificent.

But soon the real reason for
turning off became apparent.

As the roads became more twisty,

the Ferrari was becoming
more of a handful.

Oho. Oh.

Just need to be a
bit careful about

unleashing 730 brake horsepower.

It's actually more
than an F1 car and

I'm conscious of that right now.

Help. Oh.

Oh. Yeah.

I wasn't scared

I have no doubt that the
Ferrari is faster than this

but this is just nicer to drive
because it's less frightening.

With the F12, Ferrari have
given you everything you need

to have an incredible drive

or get yourself into a very
great deal of trouble.

Get a racing driver in this
car and he will tell you,

"Yes, that is a real car."

It's not been tamed for people
to park at the golf course

and talk about in the bar.

It's amazing how different
this is to the standard SLS,

which would be wobbling its
bottom all over everywhere.

This isn't because of its
electronic differential.

You can think of it really
like a Porsche GT3,

lightened, hard, focused,
on it, built for this.

The SLS behaving like this is like

Eddie Izzard doing
Richard III, it's...

It's almost weird to watch
a pantomime character

become so straight.

Weird and yet brilliant.

Eventually, we reached
our overnight halt

and I went for supper with
my cultured colleague.

What do you mean you
prefer the Lake District?

Well, this is beautiful It is.

And to be honest, for me...

More beautiful than Derwent water.

Garda's not even the prettiest
lake and look at it.

It's very lovely. Just scale
it down to 75% of that

and then introduce a
bit of drizzle and...

- Is Keswick in the Lake District?
- Ooh, yeah.

What you don't get in Keswick
are these. Have you had one?

- No.
- Have a pepper. Eat.

Eat. Eat it. Go on,
you'll like it.

I don't like it.

Then we thought we'd
play our favourite game.

He's got the Ferrari
options price list there

and I'm going to guess
how much they cost.

There are quite a Lot
of options available.

Pick some.

Okay. Racing seats
with carbon fibre.

I don't know, 600 quid?

£5,184.

- I was a bit under.
- Yeah.

But carbon fibre wheel caps, on
the tyres, you know, on the...

- What, dust caps?
- Yeah.

Carbon fibre dust caps? Tenner.

£480. I thought that was cheap.

- What, for four dust caps?
- Yeah.

£480?

Are the cup holders standard?

There is a carbon fibre
cup holder you can get.

- A carbon fibre cup holder?
- Yeah, you know, it pops in...

Well, they were?600 on a
Lamborghini Gallardo a while back,

so I'LL go a thousand.

£2,112. Yeah, this is amazing.

Really, the car is
the cheapest option.

The next day, we consulted
a map and realised

we were just a spit
from the fastest

Grand Prix track
on the calendar...

Monza.

The Cathedral of Speed.

Because it's so fast,

I've ditched the Ferrari
and upped the ante

to this Pagani Huayra,

still a V12 but now
with two turbos.

Because what you need
here is a missile.

I've gone for a Porsche Cayman S.

- You're just being obtuse.
- I'm not.

You are. You've gone for a Porsche

so you can not go for a
911. It's just annoying.

This is better than a 911.

It isn't. A 911 is
better than that.

It isn't.

Because the 911 has
its engine here.

Yes.

- This is mid-engine.
- Because it isn't a 911.

- No.
- It's better.

Listen, if we were driving around
Cadwell Park, Lydden Hill...

- Yeah.
- Nippy and fizzy, yes.

But not here at Monza.
You need power.

You're just hung up on this

- great big long straight.
- Yes.

But there must be a corner
down there somewhere,

otherwise you wouldn't be
able to get down there again.

There has to be... In fact
there've got to be two corners.

- Yes, genius, that's two corners.
- Yeah.

Brilliant. Do you know what?

The Pagani Huayra goes around
corners really incredibly well.

You will not believe how fast
this goes around corners.

- Okay.
- It's a lot better.

If s true, I don't like Porches

and I don't much like the
people who drive them,

especially the ones
called James and Richard.

I didn't much like the
original Cayman, either,

I called it the Cockster.

And there are one or two things
that I don't much like about this.

The styling, for example, I
think it looks too like a 911.

And then there's the seats, the
shoulder bolsters are too narrow.

So, if you're broad-shouldered
and hunky, like me,

you're getting sort of
squashed all the time.

However, the rest of it
is absolutely sublime.

You've got these adaptive dampers,
which means that it rides

and handles and steers like
the very best supercars.

But the best thing is the
engine. A 3.4-litre flat six.

There's just no thing
about it that's wrong.

And all the time it makes
this... You can hear that

deep, reassuring noise,

it's like having Richard
Burton in the boot,

endlessly complimenting
you on your hair

and your clothes and
your driving style.

Oh, my God. That is so fast.

Oh, my God.

230, 240, 250,

260 kilometres an hour.

270. Oh, dear God.

Oh. I scared the crap
out of myself then.

Holy...

Oh, my God.

What a machine.

Monza is all about speed

and a Pagani Huayra is about
that and very little else.

6.3-litre, v12, twin turbos.

Truly, enormously powerful.

Turning in, immense grip
from those fat tyres.

I have aero, active aero keeping
me planted on the track.

These things are built
to work as well,

they're not some
fragile trailer queen.

This car I'm in has
done 86,000 kilometres.

And I'm guessing not many
of them were gentle.

The Ferrari would've been good at

this but not as
good as the Huayra.

The problem is Hammond
is going too fast,

he's not savouring this
glorious, historical tracks.

He's just wolfing it down,
like a dog wolfs down a steak.

What I'm doing is masticating,
enjoying every mouthful.

As Jeremy crawled round
in his wrong car,

I was waiting for him to
get back to the pits.

He's going to be a
while, isn't he?

While he's gone, let me show you
the interior of the Pagani.

It's worth seeing.

They want it to feel special in

here and I think
they've succeeded.

They've really put thought into
this, making it feel special.

This gear linkage here,
all these parts,

there's 67 components have
gone into making that

in that skeleton form, so
you can see it working.

And the materials,
too, it's all genuine,

a lot of real carbon fibre, real
leather. And the aluminium,

every single aluminium component
you can see in here isn't cast,

it's milled from a single piece, a

single billet, a
lump of aluminium.

All of which means it feels
as expensive as it is.

I like this car. He's
not back yet, is he?

This is the only track
in the world with

two lesbos, the first
one's quite tight,

second one, though, you can
really hang your arse out

There it is.

It's 12 cylinders in total. Let's
count them, it'll pass the time.

One, two... Oh, I'm going too

quickly, might as
well make it last.

Three... Oh, hang on. Oh.

You must be feeling now...

- What?
- That you brought the wrong car.

Let me read you something, if
I may. Talking about this.

"The car's cornering
balance is near perfect,

"neutral but
unerringly predictable

on a balanced throttle

"and biased ever so
slightly towards understeer

"if you throttle up
before you begin easing

"the lateral load out
of the front tyres.

Not my words, the words
of Autocar magazine.

Wow. What do those
words actually mean?

- I've no idea.
- Me, neither.

But I'm going to go back out
there now and throttle up

before I've eased the
lateral load out

of the front tyres and
see what happens.

- Yeah.
- That's what I'm going to do.

I have no idea what any of
that means. I haven't a clue.

Right. Throttle up.

Oh, now you see?

Now, that's just a spin.

Now, you see, Autocar,
that's oversteer.

Sometime you read
road tests and you

do think, "What are you on about?"

It's a really nice car and
you can get the arse out.

Finally.

- Still pretending to have fun?
- Yeah.

- Will, will Poo be like this?
- Will what?

Poo, when we go there.

Oh, Pau?

Do you know my favourite bit?

- Yes. Yes.
- You could...

The Porsche through there, it's
just a streak of lightning.

Nothing is faster than that.

Nothing is. Nothing's
faster... Or through there.

Yes, you're getting
a bit carried away.

It's fast. It's a
quick little car.

To be honest, it's more
at home in this bit here.

You could "Oh, look."
past the shops

and "Oh, there's a school
and a supermarket."

And that's really where
it belongs. Not here.

- You're wrong.
- I'm not wrong.

Hammond, I bet you
anything you like

that around here the
Porsche is faster.

Jeremy, that's...

- Okay.
- Whoever loses has to say,

"I love James May."

They have to say that on
television to a camera.

Fine.

You actually have to go up to the
camera and go, "I love James May."

All right. Well, I look forward
to hearing you say it.

Oh, they're lesmos.

I thought there was lesbo
one and... It's lesmo...

Martin Brundle must
have had a cold.

Right.

And we are away.

Oh, God. This is just embarrassing

because where's going
to be my sense

of achievement when I thrash him?

There is a point with cars

where they become so
powerful and so fast

they become too hectic
and too frightening.

That's the problem
with the... Huayra.

Through the first of the lesmo
corners, as it turns out.

I know it sounds silly
but once you go

beyond 500-550 horsepower, you end
up driving the car more slowly.

It's weird but it's true.

Never has there beem a
more stark example of

bringing a knife to a gunfight.

The Porsche, around here, I'm
absolutely pinning it everywhere.

It doesn't worry me, it's
not frightening, it's easy.

That thing, though...

Well, we shall see.

My case will be proven and he will
be saying, "I love James May."

That's 270 I saw there.

He won't see anything like that.

Oh.

I hear the sound of an
approaching midget.

Fully on the power.

Ready, steady...

And across the line.

Two minutes, 14.8.

We'll call it 2:15.

Then it was the Cayman's turn.

Really, I am taking
no pleasure in this.

But he does need
to learn a lesson,

that you can't just go making
stupid claims about a car

just because you like it.

No, seriously, that thing round...
I could be using an egg timer.

How does he imagine he can
possibly make up enough time?

No matter how good he
thinks he is in it.

Clearly, it's not
going to... Anyway.

- You what?
- Mate.

Where... Why aren't you...

I didn't say I'd be driving it.

Well, who is?

Well, some say it's
The Stig, and it is.

Did you at any point say
I had to drive it? No.

Did you at any point say you
were going to use The Stig?

Why would you not?

Because I think in every
possible definition,

in every set of
rules, it's cheating.

Oh, here he is.

2:13:2.

- 2:13:2.
- Yes.

You were 2:14:8. So
he's one point...

So, there you are, ladies and

gentlemen, the Porsche
is, as I said,

faster than the... Huayra.

And therefore was a more
sensible choice of car.

- No. The Stig is faster than me.
- What?

But The Stig is
faster than everyone,

that's the point of The Stig,

if he wasn't he'd explode.

As we left Monza in the
Mercedes and the Ferrari,

the mood was glum.

It's cheating.

The next morning, however,
Hammond cheered up

when he discovered the name of the
town where we'd stayed the night.

From Bra to the French Riviera,

we could've used the motorway.

But we decided instead

to use the finest switchback roads

in the world.

This meant ditching the Mercedes

and the Ferrari

and opting for these instead.

On a road like this,

you need something small,
you need a hot hatchback.

And if you're going to
get a hot hatchback,

why not get the king? This one.

The Golf GTI.

I loved the Mk1

and the 16-valve Mk2
wasn't bad, either.

But since then... I
mean, they weren't bad

but the magic went missing.

With this one, though,
the Mk7, it is back.

This car can do everything.

It's well made, it's
sensibly priced.

It's economical,
it's well-equipped.

It seats five, it's
got a big boot.

But strip all that
away and underneath,

its DNA is hot hatchery.

Two-litre turbo engine,
220 horsepower

and no torque steer.

Now, watch this. Foot hard down,
going around a hairpin bend.

It's just astonishing.

The front diff on this
is beyond belief.

Whoa. God, this is good.

He's got it wrong again.

The Golf GTI, it's
a brilliant car,

it's probably the best
all-rounder in the world.

But that's... That's the point,

an all-rounder is exactly
what you don't need.

An all-rounder is
inevitably compromised.

I just want pure distilled
essence of hot hatch.

And that means only
one thing right now.

The Fiesta ST.

When Ford put this car together,
they assembled all the right bits

and thought, "Yeah, I
reckon that would be good."

I don't think they could
possibly have known

quite how good it was
going to turn out to be,

because it's astonishing.

It's down on power
compared to the Golf, yes.

But it's smaller,
that's more hot hatch.

And it's lighter,

which means the power-to-weight
ratio is pretty much the same.

And it's beyond nimble.

You start to just take
liberties with it.

Deliberately running a
line a little bit wide,

so you get the pleasure
of turning it back in.

It's superb.

It's the biggest grin-maker I
think the world has ever seen.

In the next village,
though, inevitably

Jeremy decided we should
get something to eat.

Why aren't you eating your lunch?

I don't like pesto.

- What?
- I don't like pesto.

- Why not?
- It's just bits.

There was, however, a very
good reason why we'd stopped.

You've got to say it. You lost
the bet, you've got to say it.

I'm not saying it.

You've got to say it.

I beat you fair and square.
The Porsche was faster.

- It wasn't fair. You cheated.
- Say it.

What?

James May.

- There.
- No. Say it so it's audible.

I... love James May.

With that done, we got
back in our cars.

When you think of an American road

trip, you think of
Monument Valley,

that road spearing off
into the distance.

Well, this is Europe's
equivalent of Monument Valley.

This might just be my favourite
bit of our trip so far.

The car, the place.

This is perfect.

When God was making
this part of the world,

it was for hot hatchbacks.
That's what it's for.

Unfortunately, however,

our headlong charge down the Alps

was halted because
we ran out of land.

- That.
- What?

Well, it's Monte-Carlo.
If we drive into there

in a Volkswagen and a Ford,
they'll arrest us for vagrancy.

That's a good point.

I mean, you can be
an arms dealer...

Yeah.

But you can't drive
around in a Fiesta.

- There's a limit.
- We're going to need to switch.

For posing, these were
the cars we selected.

A Lamborghini Aventador
Roadster for Hammond

and a Bugatti Veyron for me.

Now, this is no ordinary Veyron,

this is the Grand Sport Vitesse.

Eight-litre, quad-cam W16.

Top speed 251 miles an hour

with no roof.

Here it is in its natural habitat.

I'm in second gear. I'm
now using second gear

for, well, the first
time since I set off.

And back down to first.

It is extraordinary
that here men get up

from their bachelor
pads at about 10:00,

get into their cars
that they bought

using money they should
have paid in tax

and then spend all day

driving round and round
and round in circles.

Why?

People see me in my orange
Lamborghini Aventador Roadster

and think, "Yes. There's a
man of potency and wealth."

And then two seconds later,
they see that Bugatti Veyron

and think, "There's a
richer, more powerful man."

I'm sorry about this, mate,

but once again, you're
in the wrong car.

I take issue with the "once again"

but, yes, for the first time,
I've got the wrong car.

Nobody is looking at you, nobody.

If I had spent?290,000

on a Lamborghini to
drive around Monaco

and you turned up in that,

I'd just drive this into a wall.

This is the snobbiest
place on earth.

It makes...

It makes Los Angeles
look like North Korea.

And this snobbery is an issue

when you try to get
your car valet parked.

The problem is that chap has just

turned up outside
the Hotel de Paris

in a Ferrari California.

The cheapest Ferrari there is.

Nevertheless, he
likes it very much.

Yeah, and it's nice. And
as a result, it's there.

- Okay? Because it looks good.
- Yeah.

But in a minute,

a Kazakhstani arms dealer is
going to arrive in a nicer car

and the Ferrari is
going to be taken away

and put in a multi-storey on
the other side of Monaco.

But we pull up there

in a Bugatti Veyron and a
Lamborghini Aventador Roadster,

are you're saying something better
is going to come along than that?

In Monte-Carlo, I promise you,

someone would turn up
in the USS Enterprise

and our cars would be
in the multi-storey.

It doesn't matter how
good your car is,

the valet Parkers will
ultimately take it away

because something
better always arrives.

There's got to be a
way around this.

This is the perfect motoring trip.

So we go and check
in there, in a car,

- on our perfect road trip...
- Yeah.

We come out in the
morning, it's still there.

That's our challenge.

It's going to have to
be pretty special.

Oh, yeah.

Hammond, however, opted to go

with one of the best-selling
cars the world has ever seen.

A Model T Ford.

And straight away
there was a problem.

We didn't know how it worked.

Right, now, look.

Let's list the things.

There are... There's three pedals.

How do you... Where's the gear?
Is this the gear? That's...

Oh, if it's... I haven't
got my foot on the clutch.

- That isn't the clutch.
- Well, then...

Which one's the accelerator?

That's the accelerator. It
isn't a pedal, I'm sure...

How am I going to get
my foot up there?

- What's that do?
- Right, well, start it.

That's not the starter.

Eventually, Hammond
did make it begin.

But then we learned he didn't
know how to make it stop.

Oh, now what have I done?

We're going faster.

That's not the handbrake.
Stop it. Stop it.

Stop it now.

Right, forwards.

- Hang on. Now, ready.
- Forwards.

- That's not forwards.
- No, it's not at all, is it?

Stop it. Make it stop.

It doesn't really
want to, do you know?

Make it stop.

Jeremy, we've held up Monaco.

- Have we?
- Look.

Oh, God.

Soon, however, we were
nearing our destination.

It's not often I
say this, Hammond,

but you have been a genius.

You have never said that.

Because if we can't drive this,

what chance do the valet Parkers
at the Hotel de Paris have?

None, it's the hardest
thing I've ever done.

They'll want to move this
but they won't be able to.

- Hello, Monsieur.
- Hello, sir.

Shut it down.

All yours.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Hello.

So, would the valet
staff be successful?

No.

So, there we go. That is how
to beat the valet Parkers.

Buy a car they can't drive.

Yes, but the problem is

today we are going

down the French Riviera
to Saint-Tropez

and I'm not sure

I want to go in that.

I'm not sure I'd actually
go anywhere in It.

This is a Jaguar E-Type.

It's a 1962 Series 1 Roadster

with the proper
3.8-litre straight six.

And it's not just any 1962 E-Type.

It's mine.

And I can think of no car

more perfect for a day like today.

Oh, I can.

Because I am in a V8 F-Type.

This is faster than
Hammond's E-Type.

It's more comfortable, more
economical, more reliable,

more air-conditioned

And even though it costs?86,000,

it's cheaper.

Wake up, Frenchies.

Oh, that's a racket.

Can you hear the exhausts
from back there?

They can hear them back in Venice.

Never has a car
been more perfectly

tailored to its environment

than this is here.

This is where the
jetset was invented.

We are in Jag country,
I can feel it.

Not a restaurant bill will have
been paid around here for decades.

Just Jaguar tyre marks where
they've screeched away.

"I'm sorry. I'll pop off
and get my wallet."

There used to be a TV
series in the '70s

called The Persuaders. With
Roger Moore and Tony Curtis.

And I'm hearing that music now.

Roger Moore, Tony Curtis,

whizzing about down
here in a Ferrari Dino

and an Aston Martin DBS,

solving many things,

punching men and saving women.

I was enjoying it too. Until...

Hammond, the Picasso
museum's along here.

We could stop and have a look.

Really? I'm in a Jaguar,

my E-Type, in the south of France,

and you want me stop
driving to look at a man

whose ears are in the wrong place?

No, that was Van Gogh.

Picasso's the one who puts eyes

on the wrong side
of somebody's head.

Come on, it's a road trip.
Let's look at some pictures.

Did you not hear
what you just said?

"It's a road trip. Let's
look at some pictures."

No.

Oh, why are you so uncultured?

In Juan-Les-Pins, where
all the girls have

carefully designed
topless swimsuits

and racehorses they
keep just for fun,

for a laugh, a-ha-ha.

We pulled over so Hammond
could look at some food.

- What now?
- I don't like octopus.

What's the matter with it?

- Well...
- Do you want my truffles

on an omelette?

Don't like truffles. You are
ruining this trip for me.

- Go on.
- Every time we stop for food,

- you make me eat octopus...
- It's nice.

Or crab's eyes or snail's legs.

And then every time we get going
again, you make us stop again

to Look at a pile of bricks and
then that balcony from a story.

It's a road trip.

We're supposed to be seeing...
Look what I've brought you to.

On the road.

I've brought you to one of
my favourite restaurants.

A table for two by
the waterside...

It's not...

Eat it.

- Not an eating trip, is it?
- Eat it.

- Eat the octopus.
- It moved.

It didn't. It's only
one of its legs.

I...

Would you like to stop
at a service station

and get some crisps?

After lunch, we went for a
stroll along the seafront

to look at the sights.

But because this is a family show,

we can't show you what
those sights were.

Eventually, though, our ice
creams melted completely

so we set off.

You know we were talking
about the perfect road trip?

How wrong would the Lamborghini
and Bugatti have been here?

Or the Ford Fiesta.

Yeah.

The problem is that when we
arrived in Saint-Raphael,

the traffic was predictable.

And so was the E-Type.

Hammond's car is sounding poorly.

Oh, God.

Will it be able to do the
traffic jam into Saint-Tropez?

I'm honestly... I'm really...

I am worried about her,
actually, I really am.

Are you?

Oh, God, that doesn't sound right.

The sound of Britain in the '60s.

Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding...

"Made in the Midlands with pride.

"Ah, we've really
put this together

very nicely, we have, very nice.

"Done a good job with
that E-Type, we have."

Ow, dipstick's too
hot, can't touch that.

- Oh.
- Richard.

- What?
- I've bought you something

to cheer you up.

- Have you?
- It's a little present.

Is it?

It's a fishing net.

I know it's not the
same as an E-Type

but now this doesn't work any
more, you can have that.

Thank you for my fishing net.

It's three Euros, which is
more than this is worth.

Now.

I then had an idea.

We'll have a race from
here to Saint-Tropez

but we'll stay the night, yes?

- A race.
- What...

No.

- Ditch these.
- Ditch the Jags.

You've got no choice.

What's that new hotel
called? Hotel de Paris.

- It's got a rooftop bar.
- Okay.

Last one there

has to wear an "I love
James May" T-shirt

tomorrow, all day.

That's quite a forfeit but...

Yeah.

I have had such a brilliant idea

that Clarkson has had it.

Because I am going to
Saint-Tropez on this.

The Ducati Diavel.

Dark.

- Are you ready, Hammond?
- Yeah.

In three,

two, one...

Go.

All right.

I chose this bike for
a very good reason.

The engine, 1200cc V-twin,

taken from a Ducati
sports bike, the 1198.

And Ducati, trust me, know a thing
or two about making fast bikes.

162 brake horsepower,
the UK edition.

Restricted in France to 100.

But you know what?

That's still going to be plenty
for what I want to do today.

Top speed about 170,

0-60 about two and a half,

you know, the same
as a Bugatti Veyron.

Traffic, you see?

How's he going to
get to even this?

He's never even going
to get out of town.

I Look cooL. It goes
Like the clappers.

Clarkson's had it here.

There you go. See that? Clear.

Hello.

You join me on a
Fairline Squadron 78.

That's 78 feet long.

The engines in this
thing are unbelievable,

32-litre, twin turbocharged V12s.

Here we go.

And you can drive it like this.

Or like that.

And because it's a boat

I could get to Saint-Tropez
across the bay.

Whereas Hammond had to
go all the way round it.

Sneaking through,
sneaking through, just.

Every car counts.

Any one of these
could be Clarkson.

Where is he?

If I have been past him,

he would have been looking at
my bottom in leather, going,

"Oh, look, a man's bottom in
leather." He's obsessed with it.

I don't know what Richard
Hammond is using,

but I'm guessing

it's a motorcycle of some sort.

So he'll be dressed from
head to foot in leather,

furious at the traffic,

with his bottom...

"Look at me, I'm on a motorbike.

"I'm straddling a
throbbing machine."

I'm not doing any of that.

Got the satnav down
here to bring us

onto the bearing of Saint-Tropez.

I'm just going to take
it up a little bit more,

2,300 rpm a side.

Look at this. Look at this now.

Eat my diesel, Hammond.

I just want to come round
one of these corners

and see a McLaren 12C.

Or an SLS Black.

And he will be stuck.
And I will pass him.

And I will ask him, "Bikes.

"Still no good?"

Anyone fancy a drink in the crew?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Excuse me.

Thanks very much.

Standing traffic.
Standing traffic.

Come on, Clarkson, where are you?

As long as nobody opens their
door or suddenly turns left,

I can just keep hacking
through it like this.

Oh, there you go.
That's the door open.

That's the one.

That's the fella.
There's always one.

He's going to be in
any one of these.

Any minute now I'm
going to see him.

This has got to be him.

Ladies and gentlemen,
hello, Jeremy Clarkson.

No. That's not him.

With the Squadron at full chat

and Saint-Tropez
very close indeed,

life on the boat was good.

Grunt.

This is more like it.

Getting a proper move on.

Having cleared the worst of
the Saint-Raphael traffic,

I was now on the open
road and closing fast.

Okay, there is, I'll be honest,

a tiny, tiny chance

he got through all of that
traffic and out of town

and then caned it along here

and I simply haven't
caught him yet.

But I've got a good suspicion

when we get to Saint-Tropez,

there'll be more traffic and
that is where I'll find him.

I'm about to park my 78-foot
boat in Saint-Tropez harbour.

This is the only slow bit,

the wobbling about in
Saint-Tropez harbour.

Because they've got some
stupid speed limit.

Oh, good God, Look at this.

Traffic. That's a big jam.

Oh.

Squeezing through, coming
through, coming through.

As Hammond weaved his way

through the annual
Saint-Tropez traffic jam...

Oh, my God.

I was still waiting to be
given a parking space.

Through, coming through,
coming through.

Hotel de Paris, I thank you.

Mate.

How are you?

How...

God, you look sticky.

How the bloody hell?

I didn't see you. I
didn't see you once.

I saw a Ferrari F12, I
thought it was you.

Thing is

you've got a motorcycle licence.

- Yes.
- Well, now, I have

a boat Licence.

And what this means, of
course, is tomorrow,

while you'll be wearing a T-shirt
and that'll be cooler...

Ah, I forgot about that.

It will say "I love
James May" on it.

The next morning,
Hammond was in no hurry

to leave the hotel.

- Hammond.
- What?

- Hammond, come out.
- No.

No, I'm a bit... I haven't...
I'm just packing my bag.

- It's quarter to 9:00.
- Yeah, I'm just packing my bag.

I'm packing.

Actually, no, I'm not very well.

There's nobody here.

- I'm poorly.
- Hammond.

Right. I'm coming out.

Ooh.

Now, look.

- This is bad.
- Yes.

But I'm afraid the
news gets even worse.

It can't be any worse.

We've both chosen the same car.

Well, that's not so bad, is it?

- You mean there's only one?
- Yes.

So, Saint-Tropez,

convertible Bentley, two men.

Oh, we are looking...

Just realised.

Two men in a Bentley.

It isn't just the Bentley,
we ought to make that plain.

It's any convertible.

Put two men in a convertible car,

take the roof off and instantly,
questions are raised.

Still, at least in the car,
they couldn't see my T-shirt.

Until...

Why are you pulling over here?

I just want to have a
look at something.

- What?
- Just stuff.

What stuff?

Just... I want to
look at the boats.

What are you doing?

- It's a nice place.
- I don't want to stop.

- There's people...
- Just get out.

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- Yes.

No, I'm going to hide.

I'm not getting out.
I'm getting in here.

I'm on my own.

Oh, God.

I'm just going to go for
a walk and leave him.

Make this end.

I Lost a bet.

Oh, God.

Jeremy, can we go now?

No.

Do any of these boats
have propellers

and are any of them likely
to be running right now?

Paparazzi again. There's
quite a lot of paps here.

Yeah. So let's go.

There was, however,
a small problem.

Was it... Is this where it was?

- Yes.
- Well, it's not, is it?

I tell you why it's not.

You can't park here, can you?

Can you park here? Are
you allowed to... What?

No, you can't park here or that's
a picture of a car being towed.

- Do you know, I genuinely...
- Has the car been towed away?

Well, yes.

Just you wait here

and I'LL go get it.

- Just relax.
- Yeah.

It's not far, actually,
I'll be back in an hour.

I'm sure somebody somewhere at
some time has been unhappier.

Please, please, please, please.

No, not funny. Not
even halfway funny.

Open the damn door.
Jeremy, open the door.

How do you do that?

I'm getting in.

Now, at this point
you may be wondering

why both of us chose a Bentley.

Well, partly it's because we think
that these days, it looks good.

But mostly it's because
it's now available

with a brilliant lighter,
louder 4-litre V8.

Not that this was foremost
in Hammond's mind.

- Jeremy Clarkson.
- Yes.

Have you put my seat
heater on full?

Yes, I have.

Oh, mate, that's...

- Yes. Result.
- Oh.

Just horrific.

- That's a result right there.
- Oh.

Then I got another result.

A clear, open road.

"It's got a bit of poke."

- Whoa.
- Oh, that's how it should sound.

Do you know what it feels like?

- An sportscar.
- It does.

Have you put my seat heater on?

Yes, I have.

I'm really sor...

It's a machine, this.

Hello, machine.

One of the reasons why I
like this car so much,

you know it isn't
just a Bentley badge,

there's some properly difficult

engineering that's
gone into this car.

Jeremy, have you put my seat
heater on again? You...

That's not... I...

Oh.

And if I lift myself up, they
can see my T-shirt better

and if I sit down, I cook. God.

So, clever engine,

clever four-wheel-drive system,

looks a lot better these days.

Great noise.

Great noise.

It's a great car.

The problem it has still
is that Rooney flavour.

The whiff of Wayne means

you do feel embarrassed
to turn up in it.

Hammond.

Stop putting my seat heater on.

Soon, despite the hot seats,
the hot car and the hot sun,

the atmosphere became frosty.

So we decided to split up.

And then I decided to look at a

building that had
mostly fallen over.

Look at this.

Yes, look, there's a
wild boar, there we are.

This is a hunting scene.

Hammond, there's a hunting scene.

Hammond.

It's like there's a mausoleum

- and a sort of triumphal arch.
- Don't talk to me, I don't care.

I don't want to hear about it. I

don't want to know,
I really don't.

I'm sick of it.

This is ridiculous.
I've eaten crab's eyes,

I've looked at a balcony from a

story. No, seriously,
it's my turn.

It's my turn to decide
what we do next.

And what we're doing next
is going rally driving.

What, in a Maserati Quattroporte?

No.

- And a Rolls-Royce Phantom?
- No.

I've had a good idea.

This is the circuit Sambre,

endless kilometres of
unrelenting French rally stage.

And a place The Stig knows well.

- What?
- Well,

this is The Stig's
summer retreat, yeah?

He comes here every
year and does that.

- And he says...
- What do you mean, he does that?

Well, in winter he goes ice
racing. Summer, he comes here.

Three weeks of that he does.

What, non-stop?

Yeah, gets in the
car, three weeks,

and then three weeks later,
gets out, goes home.

That's his holiday. Anyway,
he says we could use it

to do our rally driving.

- It's too hot.
- Dah.

I have actually thought of that.

You like a convertible, don't you?

Yeah.

Why don't we rally-drive
convertibles?

- It's too dusty.
- Now, do one thing for me,

we're going to go and
get some convertibles,

turn them into rally
cars and do that.

I can't do rally driving.

- It's easy, just...
- I can't.

I can't drive on loose surfaces...

This is what I've got.

Nissan 350Z.

Three-and-a-half-litre V6,

276 brake horsepower,
rear-wheel drive.

Now, you might be looking
at it, thinking, "Well,

"it doesn't look much
like a rally car."

But hold on, this car
is a direct descendant

of the Datsun 240Z,

a car that owned world rallying.

So this has got history.

It's going to be brilliant.

I've got a BMW.

No history of rallying at all,
it's one of the reasons I like it.

Well, come on, tell us about
it, what engine has it got?

Two-and-a-half-litre straight 6.

1000cc less than
the Nissan. Power?

192?

That's about 80
horsepower less. Torque?

180.

- That's about 80 torques less.
- Good.

- What do you mean, "good"?
- Good.

Jeremy, you're not really getting

into the competitive
spirit of this.

I don't like driving
without friction.

Open-top rally is going
to be the next big thing.

Let's go and convert
these into rally cars.

This meant finding a workshop
and cueing the music.

Got it.

Oh, yes.

God, I'm good.

That will make up for
the horsepower deficit

that I have on Richard's car.

This is August.

Now Mr April.

My roll-cage is complete.

The next day, our cars were ready.

And so was the sky.

This is all just fantastic.

Suddenly, perfect rallying
weather is coming.

Bit of rain, mud,
mist on the hills,

and my car is now perfect.

Haven't gone over the top
with the modifications.

New wheels, new tyres, roll-cage,

sponsorship stickers,
can't have real ones,

BBC objects, but we've made 'em
up to put you in the mood.

Inside, racing seat, full
harness, that's enough.

This is going to be amazing.

I just copied him.

And now he's going to drive
about in his Datsun in the mud.

He was right I couldn't wait.

Oh, yes.

It's actually raining, I'm
in a rally. This is perfect.

After all the stupid food
and looking at rocks.

To come out and do something
genuinely exciting and real and...

I've come alive.

Oh, yes.

Hammond is out now in that.

The man is insane.

Bring it on, let's
have more. Come on.

You call that rain?

Oh.

This is my favourite
place in the world now.

Ah.

I'm sorry, Hammond, do
try to explain it to me,

because I'm struggling to get it.

It's about the most fun I've
had in a very long time.

I can see why The Stig comes here.

- You're covered in mud.
- Yeah.

There's a massive
thunderstorm raging.

Yeah, I know.

I know, even the weather's
better here. It's perfect.

What do you mean, it's better?

- Hammond, do I have to do this?
- Yep.

It's my thing today, and
this is what we're doing.

And so, to show what
a good sport I am,

I obliged.

Oh, God's truth.

Oh. That hurt.

So, discomfort...

Oh. That's just horrible.

Danger.

Misery, cold.

Slithering around at
21 miles an hour.

Oh, no. Bloody...

I've just had a brown shower.

That really was the final straw.

And then it turned out it wasn't.

So, we got the hang of it, we
now know the course, yeah?

Time for timed laps.

- What?
- Well, we do timed laps now,

that's what we do. I
reckon if we do 10 each

and then we can just work
out how consistent we are,

where we can just shave those
extra seconds out, yeah?

Tomorrow, you are going to eat

a badger's left teste.

And so, flying in the
face of common sense,

we got back out there.

Timed laps now, so
it's really critical

to just be brave enough
to keep that power in.

What's the point of timed laps?

He's got 80 more horsepower...
Oh... more than I have.

He's better at it than I am.

And he's got a
limited-slip differential.

I haven't got one of those.

So, when I go round the corner,
one wheel spins and that's It.

Woo-hoo. God, it feels good
when you get it right.

Whoa.

Oh. Oh, my.

He will have been...

Oh, here he comes, I can
see his teeth from here.

Right, overtaking on a rally
stage. This is interesting.

Oh, he's coming through.

Oh, no. The hideous little
Brummie has torn past.

A- ha. Got you.

Oh, he's done it... Oh,
he's just made everything

much worse now, I
can't see a thing.

Muddy goggles.

Every bone in his crotch, that
is what I'm going to break.

Oh.

Soon, the weather got so bad,

even Hammond couldn't
see where he was going.

Shit. Shit. Oh.

So, he suggested we stop for one
of his special rallying lunches.

Okay, tuck in.

Really?

Because this part of France
is famous for its hotdogs.

It's got French mustard on it.

- Yeah...
- Wait a minute.

What?

You do know what's in
that sausage, don't you?

- Sausage.
- Pigs' toenails,

eyelashes...

Shut up and enjoy it.
And, anyway, while

you enjoy it, I've got
the timings here.

I'm around the 1:16,
1:13, that kind of mark.

You're 1:53, 1:46...

I've got soil in my ears.

135, 140... Basically, what this
is showing is that I am clearly

a lot better at this than you.

- I'll do you a deal.
- What?

We will do one more lap.

Do-or-die lap.

If I'm faster, we
leave immediately.

- If you're faster than me?
- Yes.

All right, well, if I'm faster,
we carry on till dark.

You'll do that?

Seriously?

All right.

I went first.

And we're off.

Right, now, I don't want to just
beat him, I want to humiliate him.

Oh, yes. That was correct.

Oh.

That was a monstrous
dump from below there.

Nature is joining in with us now.

Oh, this is just
epically good fun.

All right, Jeremy, I reckon if
you get within a minute of that,

I'll be staggered. Not a chance.

Filled with determination,

I lined up the BMW
on the start line.

Right, I am going to win this

and then we can stop doing it.

That's... Oh. Hang on a minute.

Yes.

What do you think of that?

Sneaky beaky. Yes.

Yes.

The gods are on my side.

This is going to be
one hell of a Lap.

We then met up to
see how we'd done.

Richard Hammond, you did
it in one minute, 17.3.

- Not my fastest but not bad.
- Well, it was a standing start.

It was, yes, of course it
was. Yes, go on, them.

- Me, 28 seconds...
- Yes?

One minute what?

28 seconds.

How did you find a
minute in the...

- I mean...
- Ultimate driving machine.

And a BMW Z4.

Really?

I left immediately.

And set off on the
350-mile drive to Pau

in a V12 Aston Martin.

Hammond, meanwhile, was
in a Volkswagen Beetle

and moaning, as usual.

His cheating is getting
out of control.

There's no point doing anything if
he's just going to borrow The Stig

or cut a corner, which
I can only imagine

is what he did in that instance.

It must have been one hell of a
corner, he can't even cheat well.

I admit my shortcut
was a bit short.

And the time was a bit
implausible. But look,

the weather is improving and now
I'm in an Aston Martin Vanquish.

This is a truly magnificent car.

Best Aston yet by a long way.

It's a blend of the hardcore DBS

and the slightly softer Virage.

It's just tremendous.

And now I shall hand you
over to Richard Hammond,

who shall try to explain
why the Porsche 911

that he's driving is
in some way different

to all the Porsche 911s
that have gone before.

How can he go on about
911s all being the same?

Let me talk you through
the Aston Martin range.

Vantage V8, V12 Vantage,

DB9, DBS, Virage, that.

They're all exactly the same.

Aston Martin came
up with the design.

Thought, "Oh, that looks pretty.

"Let's call it lots
of different things

and then more people will buy it."

It's just another one.

C2, C2S, C4, C4S,

GT2, GT3, Turbo, 997, 996, 993...

The new 911 is called the 991,

it's longer and wider
than the previous 911.

It's got a new engine, new gear

box, new interior
and new steering.

This is the critical
point, for the first time,

the steering is electric
rather than purely hydraulic.

Just as I was getting
into the groove,

Jeremy pulled off again.

What now?

Well, I thought it would be a good
idea, since we're at Pau tomorrow,

to reacquaint ourselves
with the concept

of driving while under the
influence of friction.

I don't like friction.

Pau, mate. It's Pau.

They've been racing
there since 1901.

Fangio has raced there,

Jim Clark, Jackie Stewart.
This is a big deal.

This is... It's Bethlehem for
any motoring enthusiast.

So, what's it got to do with that?

We've got to get match fit.

And then when we get
to Pau tomorrow...

We'll be worthy of it.

Straightaway, I was very happy.

No wet track, no mud,

no rain, no diphtheria.

This is one tight and
twisty little track.

Right, now, let's turn the Aston

from a road car into
something more track-based.

We'll push this button here,
that firms up the suspension.

And then push this one, S, I
think it stands for "silly".

Because when you push it... Ready?

The whole car goes, "What?" It's
like saying "walkies" to a dog.

"Oh, really? Walkies?"

This has the same
basic engine that

was fitted to the
original Vanquish.

And that was comparable at
the time to the Ferrari 550

or 575.

Since then, Ferrari have moved
on, they're at the F12 now.

This doesn't even have a
double-clutch gearbox.

It's an old 7-speed slushmatic.

Each gear is delivered
by an elderly butler.

"I'd like third now, Jeeves."
"Certainly, sir, I'll just

"pop off and get it. I
think it's in my pantry.

"There you are, sir."

Very smooth, lovely on the
road, not brilliant here.

It's a bit of an ark, this.

It's a very pretty ark.

But when you stick it into
a corner on a track...

you know that beneath
the carbon fibre body,

everything's a bit old.

Not that there's much wrong
with old, as you can see.

Mean while, far behind...

Hammond was revelling
in the new 917's grip.

God, this thing is planted.

Still a 3.8-litre flat six,

it's still mounted at the back
of the car, it's still compact.

The big issue, though, is
that electric steering.

It's not talking
to me. It's not...

It should be telling me everything

by going slightly light
at the front under power.

It means the front wheels can
move around a little bit more

than they would in
an ordinary car.

And the steering wheel should
be telling me about that,

that's what lets me
know it is a 911

and not an R8 or a Jaguar.

Does it feel like a 911?

I don't think it does.

And for Pau, I want something
that's more of a 911.

And I've had a very
good idea for that.

I shall be using this,

the brand-new Porsche 991 GT3.

I am desperate to drive it.

It's lighter, lower, faster.

This is my unicorn,

my Helena.

Track-focused the GT3 may be,

but at Pau, it would be
no match for my choice.

The single-seater BACMono.

One of the fastest cars ever to
take on the Top Gear test track.

Purity simplified,
light, agile, balanced.

Perfect.

As men set about fettling
our cars for the big day...

we ruminated on all the
boats and bikes and cars

that we'd used on our journey.

Hammond.

And we tried to work out which
one we'd liked the best.

I loved that little
Fiesta ST, I really did.

I actually loved driving the
Model-T, crazy though that is.

I enjoyed the Ducati.

But for some reason, the Ferrari
F12 has really stayed with me.

I thought it had presence
and drama and it's fast.

I wouldn't have the SLS because
that's too much to use every day.

Golf GTI isn't quite enough.

Bugatti Veyron, I mean it's the
other end of the scale, then.

Too much. Bentley...

Oh, it's a great car but...
I've worked out what I'd have.

The Riva Aquarama.

- That's your favourite car?
- Yes.

That's what I'd use every
day. I'd have to move house.

With that decided, we climbed
back into our road cars

for the final push to Pau.

We were very excited
by what lay ahead,

so excited that we left the
camera crew far behind.

And when they finally
caught up with

us, there was a bit of a problem.

You mean, passports?

Oh, right

The French policemen
and lady policemen

insisted that we should
give them all our money.

And then after quite a long chat,

they decided it
would be best if we

didn't drive in France any more.

Yeah, okay.

And on that bombshell,
it is time to end.

Thank you very much for
watching, goodbye.

You total plonker.

I don't want to go in a Peugeot

Or this Vauxhall Zafira.

Can you be picky when
you're a hitch-hiker?

I should think so. There's
plenty of choice.

Don't want to go in that Citroen.