Top Five (2014) - full transcript

I'm telling you,
everything means something.

No, everything does not
mean something, okay?

Sometimes a movie is just a movie.

Sometimes a song is just a song,
sometimes a joke is just a joke.

- Remember those, jokes?
- Yeah, I remember 'em.

Okay. So lighten up.
We have a black President now.

- Be excited.
- Half black.

- A little bit. Just a little excited.
- Half black! Half black!

And whenever something goes well
in the country,

the white people go, "The President's
doing such a great job."

And then whenever there's a problem,
it's like,



"That nigga's ruining everything!"

Nope. We are going to have
a woman president next

- and she is going to be Latina.
- Yeah? Okay.

And she might even be gay.

- And we'll have an Asian president.
- A balanced budget.

And we will have
another handicapped president.

Okay, hold on. We're not gonna
have a handicapped president.

Yes. Yes, we will. We already had one.

- We already had one.
- No, no. I'm talking about

out-the-closet handicapped president.

He was out of the closet.
What is wrong...

- Okay. That...
- Hey, hey. Don't get me wrong.

People knew that he was handicapped.

No, I got nothing
against the handicapped,



but everybody's not as liberal as me,
okay?

The media wasn't better then.

I mean, you "run" for president,
you don't "roll" for president.

Like, you'll "run" a campaign,
you don't "roll" a campaign.

- You are horrible.
- I'm not horrible.

That is sick. What is wrong with you?

- I'm sick?
- Yes.

I'm the one voting for the Mexican
lesbian handicapped president.

Oh, my God. You know what?
People are more accepting now.

And thank God for that because
it is literally rough for women, okay?

Yeah.

But I am hopeful,
because people are changing, okay?

- Really?
- Things are changing.

You need to wake up
and smell the progress.

No, no, no, no.
You need to wake up, okay?

Wake up and smell the progress.

- Nothing's changed.
- Yes!

Some things never change.

- Thank God things change!
- Hey, look at this.

Black man trying to get a cab
in New York City.

- Watch this bullshit.
- What's up, Hammy!

Black man trying to get a cab.

Look at this! Taxi, taxi!

Taxi, taxi! Yeah.

Thank you for joining me
at this special edition of my program

at this great university.

In 2005, Time magazine

voted today's guest
"The Funniest Man in America."

By 2010,
the former stand-up had hit it big

with a string of blockbuster movies,
including Hammy the Bear 1, 2 and 3.

All right, Sanchez, here's the plan.

I need you to get that box
of guns across the street.

We don't got time for that.

Sanchez, you got plenty of time.
You got Hammy Time! Now go!

It's Hammy Time! It's Hammy Time!
It's Hammy Time!

It's Hammy Time!

When you were in school,
were you the class clown?

When's the next Hammy movie?

And after some run-ins with the law
due to a battle with alcoholism...

I mean, I was at this restaurant
the other day,

and I saw this guy drink half a beer.

And I was like, wow,
how the hell he do that?

Do you think you're ever
gonna go back to stand-up?

I am past stand-up.
I've done it. I had fun with it.

Here's the thing.

To me, there's nothing better

than the first day your movie comes out,
and sneaking into the back of a theater,

and just watching people
enjoy themselves.

Did you lose your taste though
for comedy?

I want to make uplifting entertainment.

- I wanna make...
- Like Uprize?

Like Uprize. I want to make
thought-provoking entertainment.

This weekend is big.

Opening today, you can see him
play the Haitian revolutionary

Dutty Boukman in his new movie, Uprize.

And you can also see him getting married
to reality star Erica Long

on Bravo.

Hi!

Look who's here.

- Hi, doll.
- Hey, beautiful.

Dre, my man.

Hey, would you mind getting in
on the other side of the car

and then exiting this side?
Please, it's for the show.

Fuck you, Benny. I'm not on your show.

No, you are on the show,
you're just not getting paid.

Guys, play nice, please.

I always play nice.

It's not me.

Mr. Groom, baby, we are almost there.

We've got three more days
and then we're married.

You happy?

I'm happy. I'm just a little stressed out
from this movie. That's all.

Why are you stressed?
Baby, you did great work.

- I know. I know.
- You murdered that role.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Okay?

Where's my kiss?

Do we have to do this on camera?

Let's just get off camera.
Let's go back in the car.

If it's not on camera, it doesn't exist.

Our thanks to Andre Allen!

Hammy! Hammy!

You know, today's one of those days
I feel like having a drink.

Not funny. Don't talk like that.

I don't want to hear about you drinking

and I don't feel like
getting you out of jail.

Don't worry, no slip-ups.

- Hey.
- Thanks.

You know, I can't wait to see the movie
play in a theater later!

It's gonna be packed.

It's gonna be something else.
I can't wait.

I love me a big girl.

You moving with confidence.

By the way,

Erica wants you to
wear a red shirt on the plane,

and when you get off, she will have
a camera crew waiting for you.

Camera crew, red shirt.

What, are they scared
they're not gonna be able to find me

amongst the sea of niggas
getting off of private jets?

I'm not wearing the shirt.

Okay, whatever, man.
Let's move on to the next interview.

Next interview? I thought I was done
until XM and the junket.

Well, Charles just texted me this one.
They need you for a few hours.

A Wyclef movie is hard to sell.

Everybody in the barber shop
wants to see you in that bear costume.

They love you in that bear costume.
You gotta wear it, baby.

Yeah, but they can't even see my face.

But they feeling you, son.
That's who you are! You Hammy!

I told you, I don't feel like
doing funny movies anymore.

I don't feel funny.
We talked about this.

Save some of that stuff
for your Times interview.

Times? Fuck the Times.

You act like you've never
had a bad review before.

I could take one, but every one?

"Every one," really?

Come on, man. Look at this shit.

"Andre Allen is the most
pathetic character in cinema today.

"If he ever put out another movie,

"I would not see it
if it was playing in my glasses."

Why the fuck would somebody
say some shit like that?

That's James Nielson.
That's what he does.

He's a critic.
And he won't show his face.

No, fuck James Nielson.

He's been ripping my shit apart
for years.

The next one's a chick.

She just wants to do
a profile piece on you.

And I think she's a big fan of yours.

Fuck the Times.

You're gonna do this, okay?

I'm not going to go
back and forth with you about this.

We talked about it.
It's The New York Times.

Do you hear me? The New York Times!

Let me ask you a question.

When you told me that you wanted to do

that movie Crossbusters,
what'd I say to you, Andre?

"Not a good idea."

When you tell me that you wanted to do

that little baseball movie,
what I say to you, Andre?

You said it wasn't a good idea.

Now, when you tell me
you wanted to do that movie

about the Haitian revolution,
Andre, what'd I say to you?

You said it wasn't a good idea, okay?

No. No, no, no, no, you're wrong, Andre.

That's not what I said.
I said, "Nigga, is you crazy?"

I emailed it! I sent the email out

with a bunch of racial slurs
and bad English

to my own company account!

The reason why I did it, Andre,
was 'cause I wanted to be on file

to show people that I was against this!

I was against this project!
I jeopardized my job.

You know that? I almost ruined my job.

What are you talking about?

A nigga can't get fired
for saying "nigga" to a nigga.

You've never been more wrong.
A nigga can...

A nigga can get fired
for saying "nigga" to a nigga.

A nigga don't run this damn company.

Matter of fact,
if niggas at this company

found out that I was using
the word nigga in here,

my black ass would be on the street.

So you're wrong, nigga.

I guess you're right, nigga,
but I don't want to do this.

I hate James Nielson.

I hate the Times.
Everything I do, they trash.

Not the funny stuff.

Look, Andre,
they're gonna write the story anyway.

And I mean, it's hard enough
getting you a job as it is.

I mean, it's not like everybody's
knocking on your door for work.

It's really hard to get you work.
You know that, I know that.

Do you think the wedding is hurting me?

Are you kidding me? Listen, Andre,

the wedding is the best thing
that you got going right now.

And let's be honest.

Andre, if this thing flops,

we could be talking
Dancing With The Stars, man.

Dancing With the Fucking Stars?

Yes. Dancing With The Stars.
That's where you're at right now.

Andre, all these people want to do
is follow you around for one day.

Let them follow you around!

You know, if I get the word out,
this movie could still be a big hit.

It could be like a Haitian Django.

If you say so, Andre, then yes.
Hold on. Hold on.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

What is going on?
Where's everyone running to?

Zoolander's in the conference room!

Ben Stiller's in the conference...
These white people don't tell me shit!

Yo, Silk! Where's the car?

It's in range.

Hey, how'd it go with Charlie Rose?

Chelsea Brown.

From the Times.

Yes, from the Times.

How'd it go? I thought
you were supposed to be watching.

You a real journalist,
or like Miss Detroit?

Funny.

Look, they just told me
that you're gonna be doing this.

I'm sorry if I'm late.

Congratulations on the wedding.

And the movie.

You know, some friends and I saw you
a few years back at Purchase.

You were really great.

Thank you very much
for doing this interview.

Why, 'cause your boy James Nielson
said he wouldn't watch my next movie

if it was playing in his glasses?

James.

Hey, who would have thought Google
would have made that possible, right?

Look, you're about a half hour late.
If I were you, I would get started.

Okay. I just need to go home first.

They just told me
that we were doing this.

I don't have my recorder.

Recorder? What are you, Lois Lane?

- Just use your phone.
- No, you don't understand.

I can't do an interview without it.
It's kind of my thing. I'm sorry.

You take these?

Yes.

They're good.

I do photography on the side.

I do a little poetry on the side,
I do a little music on the side.

That's nice.

It's always good to make sure
you never get too good at any one thing.

Okay, I'm almost done.
I just need to change really quickly.

I'm gonna surprise my boyfriend
for his birthday.

A word of advice.

Never surprise anyone.

Why?

Hey, I call my mother before I go over,

'cause I don't want to
walk in there one day

and catch her hugging up
on some other kid!

Hi. Are you going to marry
Princess Erica on TV?

Can I see your phone?

Did you have a baby when you were 10?

Don't take his phone. Mom?

Okay, what are you doing with my phone?

Playing Angry Birds.

But I don't have Angry Birds.

You do now.

Grace? Go finish your work, mamita.
And give the man back his phone.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Gladys, Chelsea's mother.

Are you ready for the big day?

The wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're so lucky you found someone.

I hear that being
a cougar is a big thing,

but I can't find anybody
that wants to be couged.

So, I read this stuff
to try to better understand men.

Listen to this.

"Men love it when you gently..."

What are you talking about?

- "...lick their..."
- Okay, no more Cosmo.

Wait a minute.
I thought you wrote this one.

Wait, wait, get out of here.
So you are a real journalist.

I'm sorry,
I didn't know it was a secret.

Shakira Simmons?
What's that? Your stripper name?

Shakara Simmons.

I don't use my real name
for the fluffy stuff.

Okay, I found my Flip,
and we can go now.

So what's up
with all this Cinderella stuff?

Those are my daughter's.

A little girl's reading
The Cinderella Effect.

- Okay, that one's mine.
- Okay.

Don't you think it's kinda odd that
a grown woman is still into Cinderella?

Don't you think that it's kinda odd that
a grown man is still into the Yankees?

Yes, but the Yankees are a real team.

- A-Rod is real?
- Okay, you got me on that one.

And for your information, my daughter
is working on a school project.

You know, where they have to
rewrite a classical story

and she's doing one
on the real Cinderella.

According to my child,

Cinderella was born a nanny
in the Bronx in 1995, okay?

Her mama was a nanny and her secret
father was the mean white landlord,

who had three daughters.

Cinderella had to do all the things
that a nanny has to do,

she had to cook and clean,
and do everything for her sisters.

And then one day, Prince came into town

and was doing a concert
that everyone wanted to attend.

But the landlord forbid her to go,
so she waited until her sisters left,

and then snuck into the concert
and was the prettiest girl there.

Prince didn't want to hang
with anyone else,

and then she noticed
that her sisters were leaving

and she knew she had to go.

But she also knew
that she wanted to see Prince again.

So, she did what girls do
when they want to see a guy again.

Hand job?

She left something.

Only two days
until the Wedding Spectacular.

The jury's still out
on which shoes Erica will wear.

So were you the class clown growing up?

Class clown?

Is that why we went back
to get this recorder,

so you can ask me
if I was the class clown?

Look, I am really sorry
to break it to you,

but not everybody knows
your origin story.

You know what?

Why don't you just skip
the hack questions

and go right to something good?

All right. Good questions, huh?

How come you're not funny anymore?

And what's up with this wedding?

I mean, it seems really out of control.

Who the fuck are you?

You don't know me. Are you my agent?

You had your kid so young
you guys share math class,

and you're judging me?

You're asking me if my relationship

- with my fiancee is real.
- Yes.

Wait, hold on a second.

It's my career move.

Go on.

Hey, honey.

- Hey, baby.
- What's going on?

Yeah, no. I'm here at the place.
And it looks sick.

It's like epic, babe, it's epic.
It's a story.

Yeah, we're doing the blocking

and I'm looking at head shots
of flower girls.

She's got buck teeth.

Is my stand-in as nervous as I am?

Stop it.
Everything looks just great, okay?

I just wish you were here to see it.

How's your press going?

It's going okay
when they ask about the movie.

Baby, don't worry
about what they're saying.

Your movie is way over their heads.
Did you pick up your tux?

No, not yet. I'm running a little late.

I look bad, you look bad.

Champagne, Mr. Allen?

Yeah, sure.

Are you gonna drink that,
Mr. Ankle Bracelet?

I always say yes.

'Cause whenever you say no,
people want an explanation.

Yeah, I'm the same way with meth.
I just take it.

Is it true that Erica
helped you get clean?

Do you even know what my movie's about?

It's about Dutty Boukman,

a self-educated slave
who, once in Haiti,

became one of the leaders
of the revolution

where Haitian slaves
killed over 50,000 whites.

Yay, dead white people.

Dutty did not shut up and play nice.

You know, normally, after someone says
they saw your movie,

they give you some sort of opinion,
you know...

They go, "I saw your movie
and I thought it was good."

And you know, sometimes
they don't like your movie and they go,

"I saw your movie
and I thought it was interesting."

Yeah, it was interesting how
you ended the movie before you showed

how the French had cut his head off
and paraded it around the country.

But I'd like to ask you
this question first.

How do you think being sober
has affected your career?

It hasn't.

I think it has. I know it has.

I mean, really.
What do you know about sobriety?

What do I know about sobriety?
What don't I know?

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change...

"...the courage
to change the things I can

"and the wisdom to not smoke crack."

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Is that more research,
or are you in recovery?

Four years.

Four years? I'm four years.

I drank everything, it didn't matter.

It got really bad
when I started guzzling hand sanitizer.

Hand sanitizer?

- Did you ever drink Sterno?
- What the fuck is Sterno?

Yeah, Sterno, you know those little cans
they put at the buffet to keep food warm.

That's some Amy Winehouse shit.

Can we get back to this idea that
your sobriety hasn't affected your work?

Did Erica actually get you clean,
as rumor has it?

No, I got myself clean.
You need to stop listening to rumors.

Hammy!

What got you clean, Miss Sterno?

I don't know. My mother. My kid.

Maybe I just got tired of waking up
with strange dicks in my face.

Too much info. What...

Okay, your turn
Mr. "I Got Myself Clean."

- Rigorous honesty?
- Yes.

You guys rip me apart
every chance you get.

Why should I talk to you?

I've got nothing to do with that.

Yeah, but that's your people.

Look, if you're gonna
just cut my head off

and parade it around the square,
I don't need to help you with that.

I'm not here to hurt you.
I just want a decent story.

You give me a couple
of really great honest things,

stuff you haven't told everybody else,

some real inside stuff,
rigorous honesty stuff,

and I promise you...
I will be more than fair.

- On the record.
- On the record.

Deal.

Nice to meet you, Andre Allen.

I look forward to interviewing you,
Andre Allen.

Okay, let's try this again.
First truthful question.

What was your bottom?

First truthful answer. Houston.

So I get off the plane in Houston.

Now, I'm expecting the comedy club
to send some kid to pick me up.

But I get to the gate
and to my surprise, I'm met by...

Hey, wassup? You came to pick me up?

Yeah, man. Hey, sorry I didn't have
one of them little signs, man.

I'm Jazzy Dee, CEO
at the Code J Enterprises, man.

- Welcome to Houston.
- Thanks a lot.

We promoting your show, man.
You know what I'm saying?

- How was your flight? Good?
- Yeah, it was pretty good.

That's great. Great, man.

You know, tickets are a little slow
'cause of the hair show in town,

but don't worry,
we're gonna have a big walk-up, dawg.

Okay. Okay. So about...
How far is the hotel? I'm starving.

About 45 minute.
Bruce Bruce is already there.

Like I say, this my town.

Anything you need,
you let a brother know.

I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, dawg.

Anything you need, coke, weed, drank.

You know, syrup.
You want some of that syrup?

- No, no, I'm good.
- That's good.

'Cause I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, man.

I'm gonna tell you that right now.

I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, baby!

Hey, you see how I do it, right?

No check-in or nothing.

I just walk through the door,
through the lobby, man.

They just giving me the key.
You know what I'm saying?

I told you, I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, dawg.

I got you a suite.

Everything.
All the amenities, everything good.

Jacuzzi tub, a little living room.
Bed got a duvet on it.

You can lay down all over that, man.
So you straight?

I'm straight. I'm straight.
Yo, check this out.

So, I gotta get dressed, right?

But a little later, why don't you come by,
scoop me up,

then we hit some clubs,
and you know, promote the show?

I like that. I like that.
You're about your paper, boy.

I'm about it, baby.
I'm about it 'bout it.

I'm gonna see you about 11:00.

- By 11:00. By 11:00.
- Okay. All right, cool.

Hey...

Dre, you mind if I get
some of them hangers, man?

I need some wooden hang... Damn it.

They got the...

They got the lock on 'em!
They got the lock on 'em!

They hip to your boy.
Who the man in Houston?

- Jay Dizzle!
- Motherfuckin' man!

This is Andre Allen.

Come on out tomorrow night,

to see me and my man, Bruce Bruce,
at the Laugh Shack!

Laugh Shack.

This is how I do it every day.
It's how I live.

Strictly V.I.P. for me and my nigs.

You know, I told you,

I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, dawg!

You don't even know
what it's like out there, man.

Nigga be on the other side
of the ropes talkin' about,

"Hey, Jazz, how can I get in V.I.P.?"

I'm like, "Nigga, get a better life!"

You crazy, Jazzy.
But, look, we got to make a run.

- Bye, Andre. Bye-bye, Bruce.
- Bye.

See you all later.
Hey, beep me, Jazz. Don't forget.

Don't run too far.

- Yeah.
- Beep you, all right.

- Bye.
- Yeah.

Take care, ladies.

Could we get another bottle over here?

Thank you!

Yes.

Yeah.

Hey, man, like I said, dawg,
them two girls right there?

They gonna come by the hotel later.

Get out of here!

I'm the motherfuckin' man, dawg!

Oh, man!

Yo, yo, Jazz, Jazz, Jazz!

My wife's family's from Houston, man!

One of those bitches might know
her cousins or something, playa!

No doubt, no doubt, Bruce,
I respect that.

I'll give you a full, official time-out
on that, nigga.

- But you!
- Yo.

You, my nigga!
I know you can handle two bitches!

If I hadn't been drinking all night,

I would have known
this was too good to be true. But...

Bring four, nigga! Bring four.

- Four bitches?
- Four. Four. Four.

I tell you, if I had four bitches,

I'd have one of 'em
braiding my motherfuckin' hair,

and the other motherfuckin'
doing my taxes!

Goddamn, nigga! Goddamn.

Is some smart hos out here.

Some of these hos are smart, nigga,
that's what I'm saying.

I seemed confident,
but that was the liquor talking.

H-town! Who the motherfuckin' man?

I mean, what you gotta understand is

even when you're a little famous,
and that's all I was, a little famous,

people lie and exaggerate to you
all the time.

I need to borrow $10,000, man, okay?
I'll never ask you for money again.

Dude, for only 50 grand,

we can control all the water
on the Internet.

Don't worry, I won't get pregnant.
My pussy's broken.

Anyway, I get back to the hotel

and get what I used to call
some "ho sleep."

That's that horrible sleep you get

when you think there's a chance
a ho might come over.

Hey, Andre.

Hey, wassup? I forgot about you two.

What you got poppin' up in here?

I can't wait for your show.

Bruce Bruce is so funny.
I'm friends with his wife's cousin.

Do you got a minibar?

Yeah, yeah, I got a minibar.

What y'all want?
Chicken fingers? Breakfast?

Jalapeno poppers?

Jalapeno poppers?
Okay, just let me call and see...

Chicken.

This is good.

They were wildin' at the club
when you left.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

You want some?

Room service is my jam.

- We got some more.
- What? I'm a...

We got whatever you need.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, honestly, I couldn't believe

God had blessed me
with these two angels.

Hey, do not disturb!

- Beat it.
- I don't need anything!

Fucking maids.

Well, well, well.

- What do we have here?
- Hey, hey.

Are you all doing a pillow fight?

That's my shit right there.

Oh, my God. Were you scared?

Yes, I was scared. I'm naked

and a man walks in the room
and starts undressing.

That look good, man.

Hey, let me get some of that.

- Hi, Jazzy.
- Hey, Jazzy.

My dick was gone,
it looked like a button on a mink coat.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, daddy Dee's getting it!

Who the motherfuckin' man in Houston?

You're the motherfuckin' man!

You're the man. We love you.

Look at that tow truck.
Look at that tow truck.

Back that thing up on it.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

- Harder. Harder.
- Yeah.

Jazzy Dizzle. Gettin' it.

I wanted to run away, but I was naked.

Yeah.

How did you feel?

I was terrified.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, bitch. Get your ass over here.

Me?

Coming, Daddy.

These girls that I thought were angels
two seconds ago,

are now the most disgusting things
I've ever seen.

Oh, yeah.

What'd the room smell like?

What did the room smell like?
What kind of question is that?

Come on.

Scared motherfucker, ass
and smoked ribs.

But the most disgusting part...

- No!
- Yes!

I think, I think I'm coming!

It was like Old Faithful.

It was just everywhere.

Like the garbage truck had to come
and lay salt to get rid of it.

So finally, they leave.

I assume it's to do coke.

You know, people get real stingy
with their coke.

Hey, wassup?

Where's Jazzy?

I don't know.
I thought you all went somewhere.

Yeah, right.

You don't know where
your best friend Jazzy's at?

Best friend?

Hey, I just met him today.
He's not really my best friend.

I mean, is something wrong?
Is there a problem?

Yeah, there's a fucking problem.

Your best friend said
if we came over here and fucked you,

we'd get $1,000.

$1,000? What the... Hey, hey, hey...

And now I cannot find his ass.

Hey, he ain't tell me shit,
and even if he did,

why would I pay you to fuck him?

I mean, I'm nasty, but I'm not a freak!

I don't care!

You better get us our money and soon,

or I'm gonna yell
"rape" up in this bitch

and your ass is gonna go to jail!
Do you hear me?

- I ain't givin' y'all...
- Do you hear me?

I got nothing to do with Jazzy!

Rape!

I told you I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, right?

If I didn't know that judge,
you might still be in there.

Look, I'm gonna drop
Dede off at practice,

then get you back to the hotel,
you get some rest.

I mean, after Houston,

I totally quit drinking.

From that point on,
I never had a drink again.

No donuts!
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

There it is,
let me be your prisoner of love.

- How about that?
- You know you need to back up.

Lock me up! Put the key in your bra!

Let me come and get it with my teeth!

Yeah, Charles.

It's just the matinees.

Hey, people are still at work.
It'll pick up tonight.

Look, I just walked in the jewelry store,
and I will check in with you later, okay?

Here you go.

- These aren't the rings.
- They're not?

I mean, those are the rings,
but there's an extra ring there.

Let me go get Michele.
I think she dealt with it.

- Hey, excuse me, sir. No, no, no.
- I just wanted...

Mr. Allen, hi.

Is there a problem with your ring?

Well, there's another ring there.

You're right.

I mean, we're just getting married,
we're not winning the Super Bowl.

Miss Long came by earlier this week and

added onto the order.

Added to the order?

Hammy!

Hey, yo, Hammy!

Hey, Hammy!

Let's go.

So, here are your lines.

The engineer will cue you
when he is ready.

You good?
You need a coffee or anything?

- No, I'm good.
- All right, great.

So,

are you okay now?

I saw you yelling on the phone earlier.

No, I'm fine.

What's on your mind?

Ask me a question. Interview me.
Get in my business.

That's what I'm trying to do.
What happened?

Okay. Let me ask you a question.

If a guy you loved
gave you a wedding ring,

a ring you said you've always wanted,

would you exchange it
because your boss told you to?

Why'd you change the rings
without talking to me?

Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
I meant to tell you.

I've been so busy, I just forgot.

How does that make you feel?

I didn't say it was me,
I just said if a guy you loved...

So this guy I love...

Which ring did he get me?

The network, those jerks,

they just thought
they weren't camera-friendly enough,

and I would have never
allowed them to do it

if I thought there was
gonna be a problem.

She's a reality star.
Everything's for sale.

Everything's not for sale.

Okay! You ready?

What's up? This is Andre Allen
and when I listen to satellite radio,

I listen to Sirius Hits One.

That's... That's good, just...

Just make it a little funnier.

- Funnier?
- You're a funny guy.

Make it more funny.

Okay.

Hey, wassup, this is Andre Allen
and when I listen to satellite radio,

I listen to Sirius Hits One!

Just, you know, say...
Just put a little...

Put a little stank on it.

Stank?

Stank. Stank.

- Stank?
- Give it stank.

Okay, I don't really know
what you mean.

Could you show me?

You're the funny... I'm not...
Okay, all right. It's like...

Hey! This is Andre Allen,

and when I listen to satellite radio...

I listen to Sirius Hits One!

It's a brand new movie.

- Uprize?
- Uprize. Uprize.

It's in theaters today.

You're playin' a Haitian revolutionary?

- This is a...
- Homosexuals.

- ...homosexual radio station.
- Yeah.

I just want to say, "What's up?"
to all my Haitian fans

that listen to Opie and Anthony.

First of all, who's going to believe

that Hammy the Bear
is a revolutionary out of Haiti?

Hammy's not in the movie.

They should let children out of school
to see this movie.

They should show it in school.

First hundred gay people
get three dollars off their tickets.

If you look at my comedy,
it was always serious.

Just prove your gayness...

- How do we prove we're gay?
- ...and we...

I have some... Some goat meat.

I brought you some Haitian food.

- Goat meat.
- Goat meat?

- Spaghetti with ketchup...
- What is...

...which Haitians actually
eat for breakfast.

- Really?
- Yes. This... This...

Sounds awful.

Yes, spaghetti with ketchup
is the Cheerios of Haiti.

Now, is there going to be
a Hammy the Bear 4?

I hate Hammy the Bear.
I gave you three Hammy the Bears.

I want people to take me serious.

I want people to stop
walking up to me on the street

and making bear sounds.

Andre, what do you have to say
to the white audience here

that is insulted, disgusted,

by your movie, watching 50,000
of their people being killed?

George Bush kills a lot of brown people.
Nobody had a problem with that.

It wasn't a movie.

He killed some...
Like, really killed them!

I fake-kill white people
and it's a problem.

There's outrage.

How many of these white people
actually die on screen?

Probably two, three thousand.

That's it, dawg?

- Stank.
- Stank.

Nice and funny. Go!

Wassup, motherfuckers?
This is motherfucking Andre Allen!

And when I listen to satellite radio,
or scratch my nuts, that is,

I listen to Sirius motherfucking 101,

biatch!

First take was good.

I was wrong on the stank note.

First take had a lot
of wonderful stuff in there.

I hope you're writing
nice things about me.

Let's go.

- What's up, dawg?
- Hammy!

Hammy, don't get brand new.

Hollywood. Hollywood!

Holly, hey, Holly! Hollywood! Get...

Get your ass over here!

Look at who's... Look who's slummin'!

Come here. Come here, boy!

Hollywood! Hollywood!

Roll out the red carpet. There it is.
Hollywood, come on, boy.

What you... I thought you'd be in L.A.,

you know, getting ready
for that big wedding.

I see commercials for it all the time.

Yeah, yeah, I'm in town
just doing some press for this movie.

I leave tonight.

Chelsea here is doing a story on me.

Hello.

So I see.

That's why you bring your ass
around here.

What, you telling her
how bad you had it?

Is that what it is?

Come on, man.
You're coming to the party, right?

Some people got to work.

I'll tell you what.
I'll come to your next bachelor party.

- It's not funny, man.
- Hey, tell me something.

Your next wife,

is she going to be white
or she gonna be Asian?

Still not funny, man.

It's only funny
when you say mean shit, right?

- You know what?
- What?

Imma get out of here.
I'll catch you later, okay?

Hey, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come here, come here. Come here.

Look, can you break me off
a little something?

I...

I haven't got my check...
Haven't cashed it yet.

Here.

Really?

Thanks.

I'll put it on your tab, okay?

Thanks, Hollywood.

Thank you, Hollywood!

Hey, nice meeting you.

Hey, don't you believe
a thing he says, okay?

Hollywood! Damn!

Who was that?

My father.

- Hammy!
- Yo, Hammy!

You don't even know what celibacy mean!

Oh, my gosh! Hi! Andre!

Yo! Look what the cat dragged in!

Yes!

- Akil, give your uncle a hug.
- Hey, man, what's up?

Shit, hide the liquor. God damn it!

Hide the liquor?

Look who's talking. Hide the crack.

Yo, homeboy,
well, that wasn't necessary, man.

That was the '80s.

Either you was using or you was selling.
Either way, you got swept up in it.

Hey, man, I'm being nice. I didn't
mention that five grand you owe me.

When I get my income tax check,
you're gonna get yours off top, my man.

You know what,
you gotta have a income first

before you get a check.
You can't tax zero.

Is this Come Down On Fred Day?

Yeah, he's allergic to jobs.

He takes job Benadryl. Just take it.

When he feel a job coming on,
he just take a Benadryl.

Hey, everybody, this is Chelsea Brown.

She's doing a story on me
for The New York Times.

Now, she's gonna ask a few of y'all
some questions. Feel free to answer.

But remember, no snitching!

You must be out your mind!

We're gonna tell all his shit.

You want me to be quiet, you gotta
clear the five thousand, my man.

I said five thousand to be nice.

When it come to me, baby girl,
I'm gonna turn over like a apple pie.

You know what, you just ate a apple pie,
you fat motherfucker. Shut up!

Can I say something?

Jealousy will get y'all nowhere!

I watch Erica's show every week.
I can't wait to see the wedding.

When you gonna bring her around here?

Soon.

That's what you said last time.

And you know what,
I'm still waiting on my invitation.

Hey. I'm not in charge
of the guest list. Okay?

I'm just the groom.
I'm not in charge of all this stuff.

Tell the truth. Tell the truth.
That bitch don't like me.

No, she likes you. She asks about you.

She asks about me?

She asks about you all the time.

What does she say?

She say, "How your big friend doing?"

My big...

Is that what that bitch think about me?
I'm big like that? For real?

I'm just saying.

That's that Hollywood shit, Andre!
That's that Hollywood shit!

I'm just playing. I'm just playing.

Why I ain't got my invitation?

Well, 'cause...

'Cause they figure we could,
you know... The hotel...

Andre, you're full of shit right now.

And the airfare.

Everybody's coming to
the bachelor party, right?

I want to, but General Tao over here...

I said no, 'cause he don't know how
to come home and shit, making it rain...

We need our fucking ones.

Put that down and have a fucking seat.

I mean, come on,
there's gonna be a TV crew there.

Erica picked out everything.

They're even giving out gift bags.

Gift bags? Nigga, kill yourself.

What's wrong, man?
What's wrong with a gift bag?

They got lots of cool shit in there.

Nigga and gift bags.

- He's a corny-ass nigga.
- All right.

I got another five grand. What you got?

Can I get one of them gift bags?

Hey, bro-bro, check this out.

I got the new jawn. The 2016 jawn.

It's real light. Matter of fact,
if you take it off, you won't even sweat.

I can take yours off, too,
if you want me to.

Nah, that's okay, but thanks.

Nigga, put your bracelet back on!
I don't want the cops running in here!

Me? I was there first time
he got on stage.

- How was he?
- He sucked.

Nothing about him was funny.
He was like a bag of dead kittens.

Son, when Nas focus,
he better than Jay, man, I'm sorry.

That's some real shit.

'Cause Tupac was headed for the Oscar.

Or Tupac would be
one of our political leaders.

Tupac might be a political leader,
if he was alive.

But then again, Tupac might be
in a Tyler Perry movie right now.

So you don't know.

- You don't know.
- You never know.

He might be... Tupac might be

the bad dark-skinned boyfriend
in a Tyler Perry movie.

I gotta agree
with that shit right there.

I would hope he's a senator.

But he might be kicking Jill Scott
down a flight of stairs.

Yo. Dre. Yo, Dre!

Who was the funniest?

I think I was the funniest.
I'm tight funny. Yeah.

Yeah? You ever do any stand-up?

Nah, nah, I'm like, you know...

I'm not stand-up funny,
I'm just, like, the funny dude.

Like, you know, put me in a scenario,
and I'll go buck wild.

I always been funnier than Dre!

When my ma's water broke, I was funny.

She went into labor, she wasn't crying,
she wasn't screaming.

She was laughing!

The doctor said,
"What's wrong with her?"

She said, "I'm having Fred."

I'm just saying... I'm just saying,

if it don't work out
with me and this nigga,

I'm gonna get me a white man.

Do you ever think about
how different your life would be

had you stayed together?

It just didn't work out.

I broke up with him.

Yeah. I'm happy where I'm at.

But you must think about it sometimes.

Every fucking day.

I mean, girl,

I used to get mad at him
for playing PlayStation.

What kind of shit was that?

If I'd have known
how successful he was gonna be,

I woulda built him my own PlayStation.

Dre ain't funny.
You know who's funnier than Dre?

Nick Cannon.
That motherfucker hilarious.

Put your top five...
Who's your top five?

Slick Rick, Kane, Rakim,
KRS-One, and Biggie is my fifth man.

And Jay Z is my sixth man.

Would you write any jokes for him?

Yeah, I would, I would,
but, see, everything up here with mine.

My top five is Jay, Nas, Scarface...

Okay, okay.

Scarface, 'cause everybody
got their shit from Scarface.

- Rakim.
- Rakim.

Rakim, and then
I might let Biggie get in there.

Once his mother died, man,
it changed a lot.

He ain't even wanna be funny anymore.
He was like... He was a different Dre.

My top five. Ice-T...

- Ice-T?
- Ice motherfucking T!

Six in the mornin' police at my door

Fresh Adidas squeak
across the bathroom floor

We started drinking young, man,
we was like 12 years old.

We used to get O.E. cans,
and cut 'em out

and make gold teeth out of 'em.

My sixth man's LL Cool J.

Before the show! Before the show!

He was funnier drunk.
Everybody's funnier drunk.

You ever see Oprah drunk?
She's hysterical.

Once he stopped drinking,

once the nigga stopped getting oddy
with the 40s,

something was gone, like, 95% was gone.

This nigga was bugged out.

You think he funny now?

You should've seen him
in the pissy staircases.

This nigga was hilarious.

Dre, if I get married, man,

I'm gonna do the Suge Knight speech
at my wedding.

"If y'all don't want the preacher
all up in the wedding,

"the ring boy all up in the wedding,
come to Death Row!"

Good morning, Buffalo!

Wassup, San Antonio!

This is not another Hammy movie.

And it's about the Haitian revolution.

The greatest slave rebellion
of all time.

Slave rebellion.

It's when slaves rebel.

Taraji P. Henson,

Gabby Sidibe,

Anthony Anderson.

I play a guy named Dutty Boukman.

Yeah.

Well, I've been... I read up on him,

and I've been wanting to do this movie
for a long time.

Yeah, I just found
the story fascinating.

Yeah, well, this is the kind of stuff
I'm trying to get into now,

more serious stuff.

Yes, it's fun for the whole family.
It's educational.

Watch this dunk.

He splits the defenders...

And jams it home!

Yeah, yeah.
It's about the Haitian revolution.

Yeah, the Haitian revolution

was the largest slave uprising
in the Western Hemisphere.

Andre, I know
this party's gonna be crazy,

so if we don't get to talk to each other,
make sure you call me back.

I'll call you.

All right, now,
if my husband answers the phone,

don't hang up,
'cause he knows what time it is.

Now come here, give me a hug.

Hey, Dre, stay black, nigga!
Keep it one hundred!

You heard?
Don't forget where you came from, son!

You got that "I'm texting my boyfriend"
look on your face.

What's his name?

Brad.

So what's he do, Brad?

He's a D.J. He spins at Greenhouse
on Monday nights.

So, how old's he turning again?

- Thirty.
- Thirty.

Hey, man, 30's that birthday.

I remember when I turned 30.
30's scary.

You know,
30's that age where you realize,

"I gotta get my shit together.

"I could actually become homeless."

I mean, not Will-Smith-
Pursuit-of-Happyness homeless.

I mean, like blow-job-
in-the-bus-station homeless.

So, that's what you think?

He's deep in thought right now
about not being homeless?

If he's smart.

If he's not,
he won't think about it till he's 40.

Then it'll be too late.

- You okay?
- Is everybody okay?

My apologies.

Out! Let's get out.

- Let's get out of here.
- Gotta go.

What the hell? We can't just leave.

- Let's go, go, go.
- What are you doing?

- Let's go!
- Come on.

So, what, you're just leaving
the scene of an accident now?

I didn't have an accident.
My driver had an accident.

But if the person that hits us finds out
I was in the car, then they will sue me.

He's right in front of me.

- Not now... Not now, ma'am.
- I hope your dick falls off!

Where's Ralph at?
Get him over here right now.

You know,
if he wasn't clearing a path for you,

I'm sure she wouldn't
even have noticed you.

Is he always so bodyguardy?

"Bodyguardy"? That's a word?

You know what I mean.

Jay-Z is seen walking around
by himself all the time.

Yeah,
but Jay-Z's got a fucking gun, okay.

That's Silk. That's my boy.

We've been together for, you know,
since third grade. He's seen a lot.

You think it's a game?

I'll kill you, motherfucker!
You think it's a game?

I'm not talking about firing him.

I'm just saying, this is New York,

and only people who wanna get paparazzi

roll with their bodyguard all the time.

But if you're too scared
to talk to me one-on-one

without your bodyguard,
your little security blanket,

I completely understand.

Hold on a second.

Okay, I got a new car coming.
It's gonna be about an hour, though.

We should hop on a cab
and head back over to XM,

and finish up all our
West Coast satellite stuff.

You know what?

I'm good.

Just meet me over at the junket,
all right?

What do you mean you're good?

Hey, Brad. It's me...

I'm gonna walk.

Outside?

Yeah.

It's a rough neighborhood,
you're gonna walk around by yourself?

You got an interview in 20 minutes.

Hey, man, I'm good.
Just text me the information, okay?

- You sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure. I'm good.

It's supposed to rain.
I got an umbrella right here.

I'm all right, man.

Silk, don't act like you don't know me.

- If you need me, text me!
- I'll text you!

- What's up?
- It's Angie.

He's scared I'm gonna need him.

No. He's scared
you're not going to need him.

It's staring you
right in the face, all right.

Every Planet of the Apes movie
is about race. Every one.

Okay, I'm assuming you're talking
about the trilogy

that starts off with Charlton Heston
frolicking naked with a black astronaut.

That typical sci-fi movie
that's about the future

and about how the human race
is out of control.

Yeah, it's about race,
but the human race.

No, no, no. It's about
the white man's fear of a black planet.

The darker apes
are bigger and stronger.

The lighter apes are smarter.
That's racist bullshit.

Do you realize
that the original Planet of the Apes

came out on April 3, 1968?

Now, we both know
what happened the next day.

Martin Luther King was killed.

Why don't you just jump in?

You're telling me that James Earl Ray
saw Planet of the Apes

and decided to shoot
Martin Luther King?

Perhaps.

It wasn't the fact
that he was organizing

the Poor People's March
on Washington...

- That, too.
- ...or criticizing

the war or our foreign policy.

What got him shot was talking apes!

Go, Hammy! Go, Hammy!

Go in!

Jump in already!

What I'm saying is,
it's not a coincidence

that a movie about niggas taking over
the world comes out the day before

the most powerful black man on earth
is assassinated.

It's not a coincidence. It's not.

You actually believe that.

Okay, you know what?
I will give it to you.

There are some subliminal messages
in that movie.

Yes, there are.

But you know what? It's just a movie.

It's never... It's never just a movie.

Yes, sometimes it's just a movie.

It's never just a song!
It's never just a book.

I don't care what Michelle Obama says.

I'm like, fry or die.

Give me some fries.

I thought you didn't want none.

Fry or die.

Now, do you always keep
hot sauce in your bag?

Yeah, I like my shit hot.

In my apartment, I keep a bottle
in every room, like smoke detectors.

Hammy! Hammy! Hammy! Hammy!

Jump in already!

Come on, hurry up!

Hey!

Bill Murray?

Bill Murray's like,

you know, perhaps top three

funniest human beings
to ever walk the earth.

And the guy you most likely
want to hang out with

and drop his name, like,
"Yeah, I know Bill Murray.

"I was just talking to Bill Murray
the other day."

- Charlie Chaplin?
- Charlie Chaplin.

He started this shit.
He's the KRS-One of comedy.

The KRS-One.

He's the Grandmaster Flash of ha-ha.

I don't think people
actually read Capote.

That's one of my tests to people.

I say that and they're like, "Yeah,

"you know, I really loved
Breakfast at Tiffany's."

And I'm like, "You haven't read
Truman Capote. Stop."

Bill Cosby is the greatest storyteller.

- Richard Pryor?
- Richard Pryor is like

the most honest human being.

Even Jesus
didn't tell his followers everything.

Like Rich...

Eddie Murphy.

I once saw Murphy and Michael Jackson
within two months of each other,

and Eddie was better.

- Love in the Time of Cholera.
- Yes, yes.

And he says, "Too much love
is as bad for this as no love at all."

That kind of broke my heart.

Yeah, I mean, it's hard to
fuck somebody on a pedestal.

- Beautiful. Taraji!
- Andre!

Gabby, over here!

- This way, Gabby!
- Hammy, this way!

Andre, over to the right.

Big smile, Gabby.

Married.

You're getting married, huh?

You couldn't tell me?

Can I get you two to smile?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Taraji, this way.

How can you keep your private life
separate from your public life

when you're going through
something this weekend

which combines the two?

Your upcoming marriage
is getting more press than this movie.

I mean, I'm watching,
like, television...

Everybody's talking about that.
Nobody's talking about this.

Can we talk about the movie?

What kind of ratings
do you think you're gonna get?

I was hoping for a little more comedy.

Okay, you got two minutes, everybody.
Two minutes.

Do you think they only wanna see you...

You maybe stereotyped yourself
and, you know,

that people don't wanna accept you
in a serious role?

We want to see you funny.

I already told you.
I ain't got time for your bullshit, Silk.

I'm seeing somebody.

Hey, no problem. Come on.

If you don't get the fuck out my face...

How do you think it went?

The press was all over the place.
I'm just glad they showed up.

I mean, honestly,
the most important thing right now

is that people come out
and see the movie.

You mean,
the most important thing isn't

the "Wedding Spectacular Spectacular"?

I did not say that.

Okay, so you don't wanna be funny.

Excuse me.

So, you don't wanna make
funny movies anymore.

And they don't want to take
your "serious" seriously.

I'm sorry.

So why not embrace
the wedding spectacle?

I'm a guy, come on.
I didn't grow up dreaming of a wedding.

There's no Grooms magazine.
They don't have a groomal registry.

Weddings aren't for guys.

I'm not talking about guys.
I'm talking about you.

Why don't you embrace it?

If you hate it so much,
why are you even doing it?

Erica helped me get clean.

I don't have time for this, Dre.

I'm not gonna be your audience.

"I'm not gonna be your audience"?

Audience to my bullshit.

If you don't have an audience,
it's hard to put on a show.

Brad?

Hey.

- Happy birthday. Oh, my God.
- Thank you.

How are you? I tried calling you all day.
I was so worried.

Yeah, yeah... No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I was just in meetings.

Hey, Andre Allen!

Hey! White Brad!

Happy birthday.

Thank you, man.
I cannot wait to see the movie.

I'm so glad somebody's
finally telling Boukman's story.

I mean, no one talks about
the Maroon slaves.

I know, they're so overlooked.

- It's crazy.
- It's crazy.

Okay, so what have you
been doing all day?

Well, it's my birthday.
You know, I've been treating myself.

Went uptown, did a little shopping,
didn't find anything.

What are you doing here?

I just was, like, going to check out

the gift shop. 'Cause you never know...

Is that Ryan?

Yeah, Ryan's here.

Hey, Ryan!

Ryan, look who I ran into.

Hey, Chelsea. How's it going, guys?

I'm also here because Ryan,

was just showing me the lounge here

because he knows
the manager of the hotel

and he's thinking maybe
I could be spinning here soon, so...

And that's why you couldn't contact me?

My phone is, like, going nuts lately.

I don't know what's going on.
I'm changing plans.

Is he wearing the shirt
that I bought you?

I have to go.

Look, I was gonna call you, okay?

How much longer are you guys
gonna be doing this thing?

I think you should go after him.

Look, it's Hammy!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, you okay?

Yeah. No.

I'm...

I'm going to call my sponsor, okay?
I'm sorry.

Just because he had a room key

and was wearing a shirt
you bought Brad,

that doesn't mean anything.

I mean, guys trade clothes
in hotel rooms all the time.

Maybe it was chilly,
you know what I mean?

Maybe they called up each other...
"Hey, man, I'm freezing."

"Me, too.

"Why don't you meet me at a hotel
so we can switch clothes?"

Kelly? Can I... I need to talk to you.
Please. Thank you.

Great.

I can say I've dated every race,
and now I've dated gay.

Asian?

Yes, Asian.

Karate Asian or nerdy Asian?

Asian-Asian.
You know, there's a billion Chinese.

I think it's proven that their dicks work.
Yeah.

I've dated married.
I've had a girlfriend.

Two girlfriends.

Okay, so you can go all k.d. lang,
but if he's with one guy, he's gay.

Whatever, I don't make up the rules.
Who cares?

It's not about that.
That's not the point.

You know, stuff like this
doesn't come out of the blue.

There must have been some sort of sign.

I'm not gonna tell you.

- Come on, tell me something.
- I'm not telling you.

Come on, Teen Mom. Let it out.

Okay, so we had a normal sex life.

Then one day, out of the blue...

Put a finger in my ass.

You know, I'd never done that before.

I didn't want to do it.
Like, this was not my thing,

and luckily, no one
had ever asked me before,

so it never really came up.

But he asked me.

And then my grandmamma
popped into my brain.

Whatever he wants you to do

you better do it.

Or some other bitch will.

I like your grandma.

So I did it and he liked it.

Oh, yes. That's it.

- Like that?
- Yeah, yeah.

In a weird way, I was happy
to be doing something he liked.

But then he wanted it all the time.
Everywhere.

On a plane.

Go another knuck. Knuck it up, girl.

- Knuck it up.
- Yeah? Yeah?

At my friend's party.

Yes, yes, yes!

What's my motherfuckin' name? Jigga!

Pretty soon, that's all he wanted.

So one night, we're at dinner
with Ryan and his "girlfriend."

So, Chels, you've been
looking for a place, right?

What's been going on with that?

Yeah. I'd like to buy a house, you know,
but everything's still so expensive.

I thought the market was down.

Babe, are you kidding?

With your credit, you couldn't get a loan
if Bill Gates cosigned it.

Good one!

Hey, Alexa, how's your place
down in Costa Rica doing?

Wait a second.
You got a place in Costa Rica?

I felt completely humiliated,
but it was, you know, just let it go.

It's not a big deal.
You know, you're bigger than that.

You got a babysitter.

We can have make-up sex.
It's gonna be fine.

What? What?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Okay. All right, go, go, go. Go.

I think it's dance night, baby.
You ready?

You know I am.

Come give Papa what he needs.

I looked at his ass,
just stuck up in the air.

And I thought about what he did.

Good one!

If Bill Gates cosigned you.

I don't know, something just snapped.

I reached into my purse
and pulled out a tampon.

Then I pulled out my hot sauce.

No, no!

Don't say it!

And I...

Don't say it!

I shoved it up his ass.

What is that?

Yup.

Why? Why?

Why are you doing this to me?
Take it out of here now!

Hey, smartass,
I don't hear you laughing now!

He's such an asshole!

What are we doing?

You know, Grace really loves him.
Like, a lot.

And then he's just gonna be gone.

What am I supposed to tell her?

Just tell her the truth.

I mean, you don't want her to think
she's supposed to stay with some guy

out of some false sense of obligation.

She's gonna see her mom fall down

and then she's gonna see her mom
pick herself back up.

No, what she's going to see is her mom

having paraded yet another dude
through the house who's a loser!

Oh, my God. My favorite.

My favorite.

You're right.

I'm just going to have to
start the process again

of vetting another dick.

You're not gonna have a hard time
meeting anybody, come on.

I mean, you're smart, you're beautiful.

I'm really not fishing
for compliments right now.

No, no. I'm serious.

I am, too.

You're beautiful.

You know that, right?

Can we get out of here?

What happened after that? What,
you just went to brunch after that?

Yes, as a matter of fact.
We didn't even talk about it.

I thought we were breaking up,
but apparently not, you know.

And that's why
I've been feeling so guilty,

and texting him and calling him all day

and trying to figure out
what to do with his birthday.

Come on,
he's not gonna break up over that.

Why not?

'Cause what's
he supposed to tell people?

"Yeah, we broke up 'cause my girlfriend

"shoved a red hot chili pepper
up my ass."

No, no, no.

He's gonna wait to do something
like cheat on you or hit you.

You know,
like, a nice respectable break-up.

- Hit me? Hit me?
- Not...

Something respectable
like cheat on me or hit me.

So basically, what you're saying
is that you're taking his side.

- I'm not taking his side. I mean...
- Awesome.

- Clearly you are.
- Come on. Come on.

You're saying it's my fault.

I can't believe
you didn't see this shit.

I mean, he was wrong, okay?
He was wrong.

But he wasn't burning-ass wrong.

See, that's why
I didn't want to tell you.

I open up to you and you laugh at me.

- It's funny.
- It's not funny!

What's funny about being cheated on?

Come on. If you think
this is just about cheating,

then you're very naive.

Naive? I'm naive?

Mr. "The network picks out my rings."

Mr. "I owe somebody a wedding."

I'm naive?

Okay, first of all, you don't know me...

You know "naive" well.

Miss "I used my boyfriend's ass
as a hand puppet." Yeah, yeah.

I don't need to know you
to know that something is wrong.

Why do you even care, okay?

Why don't you care?

Can we just talk about my movie?

Fuck your shitty movie!

We should stop.

What the fuck are we doing?

We gotta get out of here.

Yes.

- But first...
- What?

You gotta get your hands out my pants.

You gotta get your hands
out of my pants.

- You first.
- You first.

Okay, on three.

Okay. At the same time.

- Same time.
- Okay.

Same time, motherfucker.

One,

two,

three.

Goddamn.

Okay.

We should get out of here?

Yeah, yeah, but you go first.

We can't get out of here
at the same time.

Okay, I mean, you know...

Remember, nothing happened, right?

Yeah, like, just because we didn't fuck

it doesn't mean
that we didn't fuck around.

So you go first and then I'll come out
in a couple seconds. A couple minutes.

Okay, so I'm going to get out of here.

- Okay.
- I gotta make a call anyway.

Shit, my phone's dead.
I gotta call fucking London.

Here, use mine.

Okay.

Code, 1999.

Thanks.

Yo, yo, Silk.

You're Hammy the Bear!

Yeah, yeah, have him pick me up
at the Coffee Shop.

Yeah, Union Square.

Two iced coffees!

Hammy!

Hammy, I love you, man!

What the fuck?

Chelsea is James Nielson?

Why, 'cause your boy James Nielson
said he wouldn't watch my next movie

if it was playing in his glasses?

James.

I love you, Andre!

Andre!

Oh, my God, it's Andre Allen!

When are you gonna do
another Hammy movie?

Your boss is looking for you.

Okay.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

You're James Nielson.

Were you going through my phone?

I went through your phone
looking for naked pictures.

That's going through my phone.

That's beside the point.
You're James Nielson.

It's not what you think.

You trashed me for years.

And then you hang around me
like you're my friend?

I'm sorry.

I've been wanting to say something
all day, I just didn't know how.

Shut the fuck up.
Now you're lying on top of your lies.

- I'm not lying.
- You're lying.

I remember
in one of your reviews, you go,

"O.J.'s been brought to justice.

"Bin Laden's been brought to justice.

"When will Andre Allen
be brought to justice

"for his crimes against humanity?"

My mother read that shit.

Andre Allen.

Andre?

Hammy!

Andre.

Okay, maybe I took it too far.

You think?

Yeah.

I was so happy 10 minutes ago.

Me, too.

- You told me you were in the program.
- I am.

You're not in the program.

I am. That's the truth.

What do they tell you in the program?

What do they tell us?
"Rigorous honesty."

I know.

- Rigorous fucking honesty.
- I know.

You wanna know why
I won't make any funny movies?

'Cause I never did it clean.

Every time you ever seen me be funny,
I was drunk or high, or both.

Every time. Every show.
I was fucked up.

And now people want me to be funny.

And you know what?
I don't know if I can do it.

And I'm scared.

I am scared.

Rigorous honesty.

The wedding is tracking like crazy.
There are no more ads to buy.

You sure you can't talk him
into doing a few more receptions?

No, I don't think so.

But I'm pretty sure I can sell him
on more honeymoon stuff.

Don't worry. I'll get him on board.

How's the movie tracking?

- So, what's the line for?
- Boo.

What's that?

It's the new Tyler Perry movie.

It's where Madea
gets trapped in a haunted house.

- It's doing great.
- Yo, Hammy!

Good for him. So, how am I doing?

So how's it playing
on the other screens?

This is the only screen it's playing on.

Stop here.

Yeah.

Hey, yo, man, you mind if I get
a picture with you real quick, man?

I'm a big fan of your movies.
I love all of it, man.

Not right now, man, not right now.

Come on, let me get
one picture with you.

Hey, what's that?

Hey!

Hammy the fucking beer?

Fuck you, Hammy!

Hammy the fucking beer?

No!

- I need you to relax.
- Get away from me!

Come on!

Hammy!

Wassup, Ham?

You saw me, man. You heard me.

Hammy!

...when he flew into a wild rage
at a grocery store in Manhattan.

Out, please. Thank you.

Can we clear the room, please?
Quickly, thank you.

- Thank you.
- All right, let's go.

Dre?

Hey, hey.

I cannot believe you did this to me.

Are you kidding me?
Right before our wedding? Really?

It is on CNN, Fox, TMZ,
Media fucking TakeOut!

As soon as I get out of here,
I'm gonna come right to you.

No, no, no.
You're not gonna come to me.

You're gonna go
to your fucking bachelor party!

You can still make this right, Dre.

I'm an alcoholic. I'm a fucking drunk.

Do you really think
I need to go to a party?

You have to do this.

Did you forget who the fuck I am?

I turned down Bradley Cooper!

Matt Kemp! Matt fucking Kemp!

I could have had anybody!

I chose you, Dre.

Everybody wanted to wife me,
and I chose you.

Dre, what do I do?

Every time I see you after
we've been separated, what do I do?

We have sex?

No, no, no. Not just sex.

After every time
we have been separated,

the moment I see you,

the second you walk through the door,

I suck your dick! Every time!

Do you think I wanted to do that? Dre?

I didn't know
you were keeping a blowjob tab.

That's not what I'm saying.
What I am saying, Dre,

is that I sucked your dick for us!

I sucked it for us
because I knew, sooner or later,

I was gonna need you
to do something for me

that you didn't want to do.

You owe me.

Do you hear yourself?

You're addicted to this shit.

See, what you're not understanding,

this is all I have.

Okay? I don't have a talent.

Right? I don't sing.

I don't dance. I don't act.
I don't tell jokes.

I'm not you, Dre.

You have to... You have to choose me.

Erica?

Okay?
Everyone needs to see you choose me.

- Erica.
- I am finally famous.

Don't ruin this for me!

Give me the phone. Give me the phone.

Don't say nothin'.

Look at you. You look great.

Didn't I tell you?
These streets are dangerous. I said it.

This reminds me of eighth grade.

We got locked up for playing hooky.
Remember that?

Don't say "we."

The cops grabbed me.

You let 'em catch you.

What was I supposed to do,
let you get locked up by yourself?

Dre, next time they give you one call,

call me.

Here's what you are going to do.

You are going to attend
your bachelor party.

And then you're going to
climb up on that jet

and you, my man,
are going to get married.

And then, and only then,

I will make sure
that your little incident

plays into the press
like it was part of the show.

I will tell the media, the cops,
your parole officer,

that we all thought
the alcohol was fake.

Everybody knows
that these shows aren't real.

But if you decide
to do something drastic,

you are on your own.

Your own.

It's okay.

Hey, young lady,
it is way past your bedtime.

Come on, two more minutes?
I got some more pigs to kill.

Turn off Grandma's phone.

It's not Grandma's. It's mine.

Yours.

Who gave you a phone?

The Prince sent it.

I got strict orders to have you
out of here in 45 minutes.

Sorry about the movie.

There's always word of mouth.
It could still be a hit!

If you say so.

You guys ever been here?

I have not been here.

No. My wife gave me 20 minutes
and said, "Get in, get out."

We're not here now.

Watch your pockets, too,
they will pick it.

That's a guarantee. Not being racist.

- That's being ho-ist.
- Who?

Some of these chicks need money
and you fuckin' know it. Relax.

You been here before, Whoopi?

Hey, Whoopi.

Hi, Jasmine.

Hi, Jerry.

My niece.

She goes to my temple.

Whatever you do, don't get a mistress.

Can't do it. You'll get caught.

Just be a good person.
You can handle that. Just be good.

Stay good to her.

Stay true to her. Whack off.

- Whack off.
- Whack off.

Whack off.

And if it does happen, do not confess.

You will get caught. Just because...

No matter what, even if she finds
an actual vagina in your pocket.

- Don't confess.
- "I don't know how it got there."

My wife found two pussies
in my glove compartment.

And I had to convince her, you know,
it's a standard option on a Mercedes.

You can lie as much as you want,
she's going to know.

It takes a village.

Don't cheat.

I have no plans to cheat.

I know, no one does.

No one plans to speed.

Biggie, Jay, Nas, Ghostface, Jadakiss.

If you gonna say Gang Starr,

then you need to say
C.L. Smooth, Pete Rock.

You the one that picked
The Scenario over...

What's the other one?

- The Symphony.
- The Symphony.

Fucking Scenario is better
than Symphony, nigga!

Can I finish?

So how you doing?

I'm all right. I mean,
all that stuff that's on TV, that was...

That was just for the show.
I'm not really drinking.

Okay, I got married a lot of times.
You've been at several of my weddings.

But I always knew
that wasn't what I was into.

I wasn't into the wedding
and everyone knew it.

I should have been into the guy.
As you should be into the girl.

- Make her sign the prenup.
- Prenup.

It's a hard conversation,
but just do it.

You will be happy in the long run.

- My money.
- Whose money is it?

My money!

- Who wrote the jokes?
- I wrote the jokes.

Keep that fucking cash. Sign that shit.

Did you get one?

I did not.

Fuck!

Gonna go outside and check on the car.
Got a plane to catch.

All right, hurry up.
We gotta get out of here.

I'm on it! You know I'm on it.

Hey, Andre, she really loved the phone.

James Nielson!

Can I talk to you for a second?

- I don't want to talk to you, James.
- Please?

No! I don't want to talk.
Hey, everybody!

This man right here is a journalist!

He is not to be trusted!

Okay. I'm sorry.

Okay, James is a character
I created a very long time ago,

and unfortunately,
he's still a very popular character.

Character?
What are you, Sasha Fierce?

I got it. Shakira Simmons.

- Shakara.
- Shakara Simmons.

- Yeah.
- Who gives a fuck?

- Was it all a lie?
- Of course not.

Were you in character the whole time?

No!

Any of it?

Your mother, your kid.
Your Cinderella bullshit.

I'm really sorry. What I did was wrong
and it was creepy and it was weird.

And I know you won't believe me,

but I actually did it because I like you.
All right?

The fan in me just wanted to know

what happened to that guy
that I saw at Purchase.

You liked me?

Yes, that made me laugh and cry.

You can't touch the girls.

She took my wallet. I don't know
where it is, but she has it.

I don't have any clothes on.
Where am I gonna put it?

Do I have to say it?

We got drama. Come on. We gotta go.

- Let's get out of here.
- Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Hey, Andre?

Are you going my way?

So are you okay, alky?

Yeah, I'm real good.
It's not as bad as it looks.

I got a Google alert that said
that the incident was part of the show.

But I could tell
that you were really drinking.

You're not that good of an actor.

Nice one, James.

Hey, where are we going?

I thought we were just dropping her off.

We're just making a little stop first.

Stop where?

Yo, come on.

Thank you.

I thought we'd just see a couple,

and then, you know,
we can just get out of here.

Yo, Hammy!

Wassup, Hammy!

What's happenin', man?

- You going on?
- No, no.

All right.

Look around the room,
look around the room,

look around the room,
any guy not laughing at that right now,

is on a date.

There is a battle going on at the table
between the man and the woman.

- What's up, man?
- The man wants leverage.

- How's it going?
- The woman wants leverage.

See, when the check comes,
if the girl puts money on the table,

that's called the "no pussy deposit."

She just put a deposit down

on not having to do shit with you later
on that night.

You ever see how the girl,
when she drops the twenty,

she holds her hand up
like she shot a three-pointer,

then gets back on defense? Bam!

Oh, my gosh, look at this outfit.
This is me trying.

This is what you look like
when you start giving up.

Take a note. People keep asking me
if I'm from Michigan.

I'm like, "No, I'm done.
It looks the same."

It looks exactly the fucking same.

I don't wear anything
that doesn't transition well

to bed from now on.

If I can't pull the bra out the sleeve,
I'm not interested in you.

I'm not interested.

Yeah, how come every movie
with slaves always has that one scene?

It's like... It's like Slave Idol.

You guys ain't going to believe this.

The one, the only, Andre Allen!

What can I say?

Please lower your expectations.

It's not gonna be that good.

What the hell am I doing up here?
I haven't done this in a long time.

A lot of people don't like dates.
It's like, "I hate dating. I hate dating."

I like dates. Dates are cool.

'Cause a date means
someone is considering fucking you.

They have to, like, ponder it.
It's just...

Anybody you can eat with,
you might have a chance of fucking.

So, and they're just pondering
fucking you.

They're weighing it in their head.
They're going...

Girls are going,
"His dick, my mouth. I wonder."

And even if it doesn't happen,
you just feel... I feel good.

I mean, any day somebody thinks
about fucking you is a good day.

That's the thing with women.
Like... They don't...

No matter what you do for a woman,
if it doesn't end in marriage,

this was a waste of time.

I don't care what you do for her.
You could... Got her a job,

you know, cured her diabetes,

taught her how to read.

But if it's over
and you don't marry her,

it's like, "I can't believe
I wasted my time with you."

"Fuck you and your letters."

"I could have been married
with diabetes by now."

What can I say?

All I can say is, don't make
any major decisions after a blowjob.

You know, let the blowjob wear off.

Then you figure out
what you want to do, you know.

That's just my advice to you.

I'm sure that's what
happened to J.F.K, you know.

Marilyn Monroe gave him a blowjob and,

you know, he was, like,
"I'm gonna get me a convertible."

One more time! Andre Allen!

- Come on. Hurry up!
- That was incredible!

Hammy!

- You still got it! I told you!
- Yes.

- Amazing. Oh, my God.
- Get in there, get in there.

Hammy, keep it real.

Yo, Hammy.

Come on, go, go, go, go!

That was incredible!

- Amazing. As always.
- Wasn't he amazing?

You were amazing. You were so great.

How do you feel?

I feel...

Insane, man! I feel like,

you know, it's like I took the pill
and I'm in the Matrix.

Like, I can't believe it.
I'm just watching the people.

And I can hear them laugh,
and I could feel the laughter.

Okay, what got you up there?
What did it?

When I met you this morning,

you mentioned this show that I did
at your school like 15 years ago.

And I remembered it.

It was a good show.

It was.

You just got me thinking
about being on stage.

So, that's all it took, huh?

That...

...and jail.

- Jail.
- You were barely in there.

After I got off the phone with Erica,

I thought I was at bottom.

I was like, "This is it,
I have fucked up everything."

And at that moment,
I heard this crazy sound.

DMX.

What are you doing here?

Really? What am I doing here?

I'm X, man.
I live in this motherfucker, man.

Don't you watch the news?

Damn, homie.

I respect the fuck out of your shit, man.
Uprize?

I'm gonna see that
as soon as I get out, man.

Yo, man, thanks a lot, man.
I'm a big fan of yours, too.

One thing I really respect about you,
why I fuck with you for real, son,

is that you won't let the industry
box you in.

We're pretty much
on some same shit, yo.

I'm kind of tired of rapping, man.

Plus, I got so much more to offer.

That's what I always say, man.
I got so much more to offer.

- You got a minute?
- Yeah.

Check this out.

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile, even though it's breaking

When there are clouds in the sky

You'll get by

Smile through the pain and sorrow

What?

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through

For you

Shut the fuck up!

I'm expressing myself over here, nigga.

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

And although a tear is ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You suck!

You'll find that life
is still worthwhile

If you just smile
Motherfucker!

Shut the fuck up!

Smile, though your heart is aching...

Rap, you motherfucker!

Rap!

Take care of yourself.

You, too.

Well,

you got everything?

Yep. Got my cell phone.

Everything.

That's good.

Have a safe flight.

Thanks.

Listen, I'm going to be in L.A.
in October.

This gallery wants to
showcase my photos.

Send you an invite.

You can bring your wife.

You know I can't go, right?

It's very nice to meet you, Andre Allen.

It's great to finally meet you,

Chelsea Brown.

Fry or die.

Yo, Chels!

What's your top five?

Salt-N-Pepa,

Tribe Called Quest,

The Roots,

Public Enemy,

Kanye.

And I get six, man.
Slick Rick the Ruler!

Slick Rick.

Take care.

You, too.

She's a little skinny for my taste.

But if it was me,
I would be up there right now.

I wouldn't worry about Erica.

One way or another,
she's going to end up on top.

Can't have 'em all, man.

I'm not talking about having 'em all.

I'm talking about having her.

What you got in that gift bag, man?

Let me check.

Got some vodka. Okay.

In my gift bag.

Somebody wasn't thinking about me.

I'll take that off your hands.

What else you got, man?

Got a jasmine-scented candle.

Definitely something I would give a man.

I got a Mexican chica.
She loves candles. She's a candle bitch.

What else you got?

Gourmet nuts.

You know I love some nuts.
That's for me. Give me those.

There you go.

Hopefully honey-roasted.

When they put the honey on the nuts?

That's a whole
different world right there.

And let's see.

A gift certificate for...

That's when they took it to a new level.

You know me, I'm a snacker.

Now, if they could find a way
to put the honey inside the...

Some kind of cloning shit, I don't know.
Is that cloning?

Yo, Silk.

- You want the top five?
- Yes!

Yes.

Here it is.

Sugarhill Gang,

- Eminem...
- Right.

Wale,

Ice Cube...

...and Sir Mix-A-Lot!

Yes!

"Put 'em on the glass"!

NetFreak