Top Banana (1954) - full transcript

# He's the Man of the Year this week

# He's the man people cheer
this week

# He's a dream, he's a doll
and I'm tellin' you, Sol

# He's a streak,
so to speak, this week

# He was found
on a Catskill Peak

# Where they booked him
for one split week

# He became such a smash,
Winchell gave him a flash

# He's the Man of the Year
this week

# You'll never find
his photograph

# On Life, Look, or Pic

# His photo you'll discover
on the cover of Quick



# He's the old
and impulsive sheik

# Not the body
nor the physique

# Not the prez,
not the king,

# Not the champ,
he's the thing

# But the Man of the Year
this week

# His routines
are as old as time

# But he clicks no matter
how tired the patter

# His material's just a crime

# But he knows how to peel the
show so he can steal the show

# Wouldn't say
he was in his prime

# But his ancient jokes
kill the folks

# His kind of corn...

Hold the rehearsal.
Hold the rehearsal.

All right, kids,
go ahead change into your next costumes.



Okay, Freddie, close
in with the traveler.

Danny, it's 4:00
in the morning.

Are we going to rehearse
all night again?

At the rate we're going now, we'll be
rehearsing until showtime tomorrow night.

You know, there's more to life
than rehearsing day and night.

When you're working for Jerry Biffle,
that's your life.

That kind of life
is gonna be my death.

Ah, go change your clothes!
Now, Pete...

When Mr. Biffle makes his
entrance in the show tonight,

be sure to catch him with a spot.

Catch him with both spots.

Tommy. Tommy!

Will you stand still for a minute?

Where do you get all this
energy at 8:00 in the morning?

But if I stand still,
I'll fall asleep, Mr. Davis.

Don't do that. Hey,
why don't you read Jerry's book,

Bifflesticks - A Collection
of Boffs and Bombs?

Mr. Biffle sold me
one of those

the first day I got here.

Whoever you are,
Jerry Biffle isn't here.

Oh, hello, Moe.
How's the happy barber?

No, no, this is Vic Davis.

All right, I'll tell him
you're coming with a shave.

And listen, Moe,
bring a sharp razor, will ya?

I'll give you half a dollar
for every cut.

Hey, you shouldn't kid like that.

Who's kidding?

- Hand me the joke book, will you, Tommy?
- Sure.

- What are you looking for?
- I'm writing a doctor sketch for Jerry.

I need some more doctor jokes.

- Hey, I got a good one for ya.
- I'll bet.

Mr. Biffle's
at the doctor's office

and the doctor says,
"Your hair is getting thin."

And Jerry says,
"Who wants fat hair?"

- How did you know?
- I never forget an old friend.

- Hello, Mr. Davis.
- Hi, Walter.

- Hiya, Tommy.
- Hi, Walt.

Hey, Walter, how's this for a gag?

Jerry is in the doctor's
office, see...

That's funny already.

Will you wait
till I finish the joke?

He says, "Hey, Doc,
I feel terrible.

"I think I got
water on the knee."

And the doctor says,
"Wear pumps."

Great. Terrific.

Where is he?
Where is he?

He'll be here.
What's the matter now?

"What's the matter now?"

Mr. Biffle can tell
the painters how to paint

or he can tell
the chorus how to sing,

but when he steps in
to lead the orchestra

and tells the musicians
how to play...

The king is here.
Kneel, you swine, kneel.

Ow!

- Hiya, boss.
- Hiya, kid.

Ah, Jerry Biffle, you're great.

Nothing like a cold shower
makes you feel like a new man.

Someday I'm gonna try it
with water.

Funny. Funny.

That's the kind of gags
I want, pal.

One-liners. The kind
you can bang across.

Hazel, get me the delicatessen.

Hello. Pinky,
this is Jerry Biffle.

Stop laughing and take
my order for breakfast.

I want a hot pastrami on rye,

a lot of mustard,
some coleslaw, sour tomatoes.

No. No root beer.
It's my breakfast!

Cream soda is fine.

And listen, tell your boss I
got an idea for a new sandwich.

Make him print it on the menu.

Jerry Biffle's interracial special,
ham on bagel.

Get right over here right away.

Tom, look, the dance...

Keep it close, or I'll cut it out.

But you haven't even
seen the dance.

I'm gonna look at it.
What's my schedule for today?

Uh, 1:00 to 3:00, rehearsal,

then you go to MacCracken's
Department Store to autograph your book.

- What time?
- 4:00.

- Right.
- Back here at 5:30, rehearse till showtime.

Swell. Hey, did you fix it
with the orchestra?

It's all straightened out.
I stayed up all night.

- Go home. Get some rest.
- Good.

Be back in an hour.

- Why do you give me...
- An hour?

- I haven't slept a wink all night.
- Take a sleeping pill.

Lay it out, Walter.
Here we go.

Hey, I get any calls?

- Yeah, Moe is coming with a shave.
- Yeah, all right.

What time is it, kid?

- It's 10 after 8:00, boss.
- Oh. Let me look at your dance.

Yes, sir.

Wait a minute, will you, kid?
Hand me the phone a minute.

Walter, I told you a million times,
just rub the head.

The head.
That's where I need it most.

- You said it.
- I don't need a lot of nonsense.

Where's the phone, kid? Come on, we
haven't got all day. Let's look alive.

Why don't you make a noise
when you put something down?

So people know what
you're doing around here.

Hazel, get me LaGuardia Airport.

Tom, you got a flash finish you
can put on the end of your dance?

- Yes, sir.
- Let me look at it.

Good. And I'll come out and
take a little bow. Very good.

Oh, listen, MacCracken's book
department, 4:00. I want you there.

Yes, sir.

Hello. LaGuardia?
Just a minute.

- Vic?
- Yeah?

What plane is that, uh,
Blendo Vice President on?

The 8-5 out of St. Paul.

What time does that 8-5 plane
get in out of St. Paul?

Excuse me. Flight 16.
There's a federal case.

You gotta talk to them in code.

All right, flight 16.
What time?

Roger. Everything
has to happen to me!

All right, what's the matter now?

"What's the matter now?"

The Blendo Vice President
flying in just to see me.

- What happens?
- What?

- The plane is late.
- Well, it isn't his fault.

It isn't my fault, is it, pal?

But don't worry,
this time tomorrow,

I'll be the highest priced
star on television.

Now, how do you figure that?

Why should Blendo Soap
give you a raise now?

- Why?
- Yes.

Because my rating is 55.7.

And in 3 weeks,
a 26-week option comes due.

Do you get it now? Look alive,
boy. Look alive.

The head, Walter, the head.

Ow...

You're a lousy judge of distance.

Get me the private phone.

And get me a pair of pants.
I'm gonna talk to a girl.

Not at this hour.
You'll wake her up.

Well, it's my little model friend
who works at MacCracken's.

She's probably just getting up
now to go to work, the poor soul.

Hey, why are you perspiring so?

- It's very hot outside.
- Hot outside?

The paper says it's the hottest
September since last July.

The paper said that. Can
you believe the papers these...

Hello? Sally?
Excuse me a minute.

Hi.

Good morning.
Well, thank you.

Sure, with you it's good morning.

With me it's good night.

While the rest of the world slept,

Jerry Biffle spent the night
rehearsing.

How do you like that?

She likes it.
Wait a minute.

I want you to say hello to some
friends of mine. Just a minute. Here.

Say hello to my girlfriend, Sally.

I don't even know her.

What difference does it
make? Say "Hello, Sally."

Hello, Solly.

Solly is the bookmaker.
Sally a girl. Sally, Sally.

Sally.

Wait a minute, honey.
Here.

- # Hello, Sally
- # Hello, Sally

That was Vic.
I'll tell him.

- Sally says hello to you, too.
- That makes us even.

What's that, honey? Yes,
you're right. Yes, yes.

This is the day I'm autographing
the books at the store.

I'll see you later.

Oh, listen. Be careful
when you go to work.

I hear it's so hot out that, uh...

It's so hot out that, uh...

Uh, people are only reading
fan magazines.

People...
What's funny about that?

I don't... What's funny?

- I think it's funny.
- Nobody asked you, Solly.

All right, try one of your own.

Yeah, wait a minute, honey. Hot,
hot, hot... Oh, it's so hot out...

People are walking
in each other's shadows.

Nothing. Uh, wait a minute.
Just a minute.

It's so hot out,
a dog was chasing a cat,

- but they were both walking.
- I got one. I got one.

It's so hot that
down on Wall Street,

watered stock has evaporated.

I don't get that one at all.

You don't understand
what watered stock is.

You see, when a big
corporation takes a block...

What are you,
the wolf of Wall Street?

Ask you for one lousy gag,
you give me a whole economic megillah.

Wait a minute, honey.
I got a real surprise for you.

- Up. Up. You're on.
- On what?

The telephone hour. I want
you to sing to a girlfriend of mine.

Presenting the Cincinnati Canary,
Cliff Lane,

prior to his first appearance
on a Jerry Biffle Show.

Applause. Applause.

- What do you want me to sing?
- Sing anything.

- When the boss says sing, sing.
- Well, give me a hint.

Hint? Hint... Well,
she's young, she's pretty.

She's so beautiful that, uh...

Uh, the stars are jealous
of the twinkle in her eye.

Got it. Here we go.
Give me another one.

Lana Turner turns green.

Lana Turner turns... Very humorous.
Remember. Here we go. Come on.

Come on, there's a girl waiting.

Don't go away, honey.

Miss Rheingold switches to Coke.

I like...
I'll do the rest. Come on.

Give him some atmosphere.
Lights.

Hit it!

# - You're so beautiful that...
- Lana Turner.

# ...that Lana Turner turns green...

Liz, Ava...

# Liz, Ava, Greer and Arlene
run second to you

# You're so beautiful that...

- Miss Rheingold switches...
- # Miss Rheingold switches to Coke

# The cigarette that you smoke

# I gotta smoke, too

# No Four Roses ad
discloses lips like yours

# No baloney Messieurs Toni,
Dreen and Rayve must rave a lot

- # At that natural wave you've got...
- Oh, baby!

# You're so beautiful that
when I write home to my folks

# Joe Miller doesn't make
jokes to picture the view

# Because you're just
too beautiful to be true

# You're so beautiful that...

- You put the "Ooh"...
- # ...you put the "Ooh" in "la la"

# Without that Maidenform Bra
I'd recognize you

# You're so beautiful that
I'm simply carried away

# I'd drop my fiddle and say

# "Gee, babe, you're taboo."

# Janie Russell dasn't tussle
with such charm

# She's outstanding while expanding

# But you've got
the same thing, kid

# And better distributed

# You're so beautiful that
you're like a 10-to-1 hunch

# I haven't got any punch

# So what can I do?

# But say
you're just too beautiful...

# To be...

# True

How about that?
Yeah, I'll tell him.

She likes you.

All right, honey.
Swell, swell.

I'm glad you did. Good. Good. Okay, dear,
good bye. See you later at the store.

There it is, gentlemen. That
sets her up for the whole day.

- It does?
- See what I mean?

Little kindness,
little palship goes a long way.

Thank you, Sam Confucius.

All right, with the wisecracks.

- Where are you going?
- To get my massage.

Be careful.
I hear it's so hot out,

four-way cold tablets
don't know which way to go.

Now I think of a joke.
How do you like that?

- Thanks for the solo, kid.
- You're welcome, Mr. Biffle.

If you're a big hit tonight,
you can call me Jerry. Fair enough?

MacCracken's book department,
4:00. I want you there.

- MacCracken's? Where is it?
- The cabdriver will tell you.

Well, I like to walk.
I don't wanna miss anything.

You can come by mule train,
as long as you get there.

What do you want me to do
when I get there?

Hey, Vic, what's he want me to do?

How should I know?

- Hi, son.
- Hi, Moe.

- Hi, captain.
- Hiya, Moe.

Well, here's the script. All the doctor
jokes are in it. I'll be right back.

I hope you gave me some new gags.

I give you my word of honor, there's not
an original line in the whole script.

From what I hear,
you got a memory like an elephant's.

That's why I got a trunk
full of jokes.

Oh, glib. Very glib.

Just give out the book department
jokes to the rest of the company.

I'll rehearse the ad-libs later.

I want everybody at MacCracken's
book department, 4:00. You, too, Moe.

- I'll be there.
- What is this?

Everything is a production
with you, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It's what I do on the outside
of the show that's important,

like feeding gags to the columnists,
playing benefits,

appearing on panel shows.

- I'm in the public eye.
- Like a cinder.

Ho, ho! That's rich!

Let me tell you, wise guy,

how do you think I set up
this whole publicity deal?

I play a fashion show benefit, meet
Miss MacCracken, set the whole deal.

And you also pick up
a pretty model.

A guy like me has got to be seen with
a pretty girl whether I like it or not.

Happens I like it, that's all.

Why don't you just keep cool.
I hear it's so hot out...

The Hoboken ferry
took off its slip.

Funny.

Funny!

Ho, ho, ho!

He's a scream in the dressing room,
ain't he?

Put a pencil in his hand,
and he's nothing.

Believe me, Moe,

if I could find a writer as good
as he is for half the money,

I'd throw the creep out of here.

Hazel, take a Western Union.

It's a straight wire
to Mr. Ed Sullivan,

Daily News,
New York City, New York.

Here's the wire.
"Dear Ed,

"I hear it's so hot out

"that the Hoboken ferry
just took off its slip."

And sign it "Jerry Biffle."

I don't care if you
understand it or not!

The dumb dame don't wear
a slip. What do you expect?

Will you take it easy.
You been up all night. Relax.

- Relax?
- Yeah.

- Just like this? Relax?
- Yes.

- How am I gonna relax?
- Well, you can...

I do more worrying in one minute

than this whole company does
in four years.

Relax!

Sometimes I feel like two horses

coming into the home stretch

in a photo finish.

Well, in that case, you can't lose.

- Hey, it's all right, Moe.
- You like it?

- Very good.
- Really?

One-line joke on the nose,

- and you top me.
- Yeah.

Don't do it again.
I don't like that.

So, you got a little girl
down at MacCracken's, huh?

Nice little kid. A little
model named Sally Peters.

I'm giving her a light play.

Why don't you settle down?

What are you, a furniture salesman?

What you want me
to settle down for?

Look, I have a customer.

For years I've been trying
to sell him an egg shampoo.

Last week he fell asleep
in my chair,

I gave him an egg shampoo.

- That's the story?
- Yeah.

Where's the punch?

- Don't you get it?
- No.

The moral is there's a time
and place for everything.

When the right girl comes along,
you'll get married.

Nobody marries the right girl.

- Oh...
- Don't, please.

Just give me
another pair of glasses.

It could get funny and who knows...

- Good morning, Mr. Biffle.
- Hello, Pinky.

"Hello, Pinky."

What's so funny?

All you have to do
is say hello, I break up.

Thanks very much.

"Hello, Pinky."
That's clever.

Here you are, Mr. Biffle. And
with the compliments of the house,

a piece of chocolate-covered
halvah for dessert.

- Thank the house.
- You know, Mr. Biffle,

I took a personal poll of all the
waiters in all the delicatessens.

All I can say, Mr. Biffle, is,

that wherever delicatessen is
appreciated most, you're 8-to-5.

- Not a bad price.
- Yeah.

Listen, MacCracken's
book department, 4:00.

- I want you there.
- My pleasure, Mr. Biffle.

Uh, Mr. Biffle, would you be interested
in an exceptional-type bargain?

What are you doing now,
smuggling hot pickles? What?

No, no. I got a genuine
three-and-a-half-carat diamond ring.

Oh, it's so shiny.

- How much?
- Well, for you, 350. But that includes the box.

All right, Pinky, If I ever meet
anybody I like $350 worth,

- I'll call you.
- That's all I ask.

- Now leave me alone.
- All right.

Look at this.
A whole scene.

Two dead pages before you even
get into the doctor's office.

All right. Never mind the script.
Just think of one-line jokes.

- You're a barber. Barb.
- Yeah.

Don't be so brilliant.

- Lather people.
- Then don't ask for my opinion.

I'm not interested in your opinion.

I don't tell you
how to cut my hair.

If you had any, you'd tell me.

All right, all right.
We've had enough of that.

Look at this barber,
became a genius overnight.

Who needs him?
I got a writer.

I wouldn't insult my writer's
intelligence...

What's with the two dead pages?

Two dead pages before we
get into the doctor's sketch.

- Why?
- "Why?"

- Yes.
- I'll tell you why.

Because you've gotta lead into a scene,
you've gotta motivate it!

Can I sing a song?

- That's all I need now, is a tenor.
- I'm a baritone.

I'll tell him when he comes
in. What is this motivation?

What are you all of a sudden,
William Shakespeare?

Besides, the audience knows
where you are when you say,

"Here we are
in the doctor's office."

Oh!

The hair butcher's
been here again, huh?

Why don't you tell your
jokes to your customers?

Your jokes, I wouldn't tell
to my customers.

- Very funny.
- Besides, I know Jerry longer than you do.

I watched this boy go from
burlesque right to the top.

Well, if he listens to you,
he'll be right back in burlesque...

- What's wrong with burlesque?
- That's what I say.

- Mr. Biffle, by me, you're top banana.
- Go get our sandwiches.

- Two pages? Did you need two pages...
- Of course.

- ...to get me in a doctor's sketch?
- You have...

Moe, get me in the doctor's office.

Here we are in a doctor's office.

One line, that's all.
One line.

That's all any top banana
in burlesque ever needed,

was one line to plant his joke.

What are you telling me for?
I've been around, I know the score.

- You know the score?
- Of course.

Would you mind telling me...
What's television?

What? What? What?

Burlesque with an antenna.
That's television.

- I don't care...
- I care! I got to care!

Mr. Biffle, what does that mean,
"Top banana?"

- What? What?
- What does that mean, "Top banana?"

See what I'm up against?
Johnny-come-lately.

A top banana is the leading
comedian in a burlesque show.

It comes from an old burlesque...

Hold it, hold it, Pinky.

- Don't talk about it. We'll do it for him.
- Oh, sure.

Watch this, kid.

And we're gonna show you how
the whole thing started. Watch this.

I just got back
from the fruit market.

I have three bananas here. I'm
going to give you one of them.

Oh, just a minute, sir.

Seems to me,
you only have two bananas there.

I got three bananas here
and I'll prove it to you.

- He's gonna prove it.
- One banana, have I?

- Yes.
- Two bananas, do you?

Right.

One banana and two bananas
make three bananas.

This boy's out of his mind.

Sir, in your own ways,
I'm gonna show you you're wrong.

- One banana, have I?
- Yeah.

- Two bananas, do I?
- Yeah.

One banana and two bananas
makes... Oh...

By golly, he's right.

- Buddy, you like bananas?
- I love them.

- Banana for you, banana for me.
- Thank you.

Well, how about me?

Eat the third banana.

What the hey!

See it?
See how simple it is?

There was your third banana,
second banana, top banana.

Well, do all comedians
have to go through this?

Big-timers and small-timers, kid.

Nobody makes it the easy way.
Here's the way it goes.

The star comes first,
then the leading man.

# Then the actors in the play

# But there are no comics
like low comics

# Who finally made the grade

Come here.

# Do you recall, sweethearts,
all the phony starts

# And the lousy parts
they had to play?

# If you wanna be
the top banana

# You gotta start
at the bottom of the bunch

# You gotta learn the joke
about the farmer's daughter

# Then take it in the kisser
with the soda water

# If you wanna be
a burlesque comic

# It's basic training
for you to take a punch

# You gotta roll your eyes
and make a funny face

# And do a take and holler,
"This must be the place"

# If you wanna be
the top banana

# You gotta start
from the bottom up

# If you wanna be
the top banana

# You gotta start
at the bottom of the bunch

# A dancer needs a safety pin
to keep her tights up

# A top banana's gotta wear
a nose that lights up

# Hey, you may want to imitate
Noel Coward...

# You'll get more laughs by saying,
"What the hey?"

# We hardly find the drawing
room a source of mirth

# But put us in a bedroom
or an upper berth

# If you wanna be
the top banana

# You gotta start
from the bottom up

# Hey, if you wanna be
the top banana

# You gotta start
at the bottom of the bunch

# Although the stage is
always filled with ripe tomatoes

# You simply murmur,
"All this meat and no potatoes?"

# Ooh!

# Even though the doll
is your own mother

# She's a straight man
who oughta know her part

# She raised you
from an infant

# And she's kind
and sweet

# But does she know the way
to get to Flugel Street?

# If you wanna be
the top banana

# You gotta start
from the bottom up #

Over here.

Watch and learn.

Just a minute!
Where you going, Elmer?

- How'd you know my name was Elmer?
- I just guessed it.

- Well, guess where I'm going.
- Hey...

- What?
- How would you like to go to Niagara Falls?

- I've never been to Niagara Falls.
- You haven't?

- I haven't. Right here?
- I'll take you there. Right here.

- Oh, boy.
- Look up there.

- Keep looking.
- Keep looking up.

- Here's your fare. Hold on.
- Oh, boy.

We are going to Niagara Falls.

- Niagara Falls. Here we go...
- Niagara...

Oh, no!

Oh, that's not nice!

Ah, that's all right,
the Irishman knows nothing about it.

- He doesn't?
- Here he comes now.

Well... O'Shaunnessey!

- O'Shaunnessey...
- I'll get him.

- That's you!
- Of course.

- How would you like to go to Niagara Falls?
- Oh, boy.

Step up. Look up.
Keep looking up.

- We're going to put you in Niagara Falls.
- I just look up, huh?

- Yeah, that's good.
- Can I ask you a question?

Are you sure I'll see the falls?

Not only will you see the falls,
you'll feel the falls.

Oh, boy, this is a big kick.

All my life I wanted to go
to that part of the country.

Let me ask you something.

I change at Buffalo.
Do I mention your name?

This is a big thrill to me,
you know, for you fellows...

Hey, what's the idea?

I've been to Niagara Falls
before, pal!

Funny! Watch it.

Well, sir, I'm on my way
to the theater,

a young lass steps up to me,
he says,

- "You're the master of ceremonies?"
- I say, "Yes."

- Hey, hey, where you going?
- I'm a lawyer.

- I'm taking my case to court.
- Oh.

- Well, that reminds me, I was walking...
- Look at this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's the matter here?

- What's the matter?
- Yeah.

- Read that.
- Why, certainly I will... What's going on here?

Hey, where you going now?

I'm taking my case
to a higher court.

Funny!

Oh, you poor boy.
What happened to you?

Everything was lovely.

- I was living the life of Riley.
- Well?

Riley came home!

What are you wasting my time?
I was standing under this...

Hey, what happened in court?

I lost my suit.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm taking the tube to Jersey.

- Hey, buddy.
- Yes?

- Where's the nearest police station?
- Why?

I want to report a stolen car.

- Oh...
- Come on!

Get those kids out of
the way! What kid is that?

# It doesn't matter
if your voice is sharp or flat

# If you know how to fall
upon your P-R...

# That's the way to be
a top banana

# You gotta start
from the bottom up #

Hey! Hey!

# Going up

# Step to the rear
of the car, please

# Going up

# Call out the name
of your floor, please

# Going up

# Passengers stay
where they are, please

# Going up

# Kindly remove
your cigar, please

# First floor

# Tea togs for tiny pets

# Bathrobes,
baseballs and bassinets

# Second floor

# Onyx and oysterettes

# Windows for $2 bets

# Third floor

# Rat traps and radios

# Cheesecloth,
cupcakes and cameos

# Fourth floor

# Peanuts and piccolos

# Leftover ushers
from Loews

# Going up

# Don't push the operator,
please

# Going up

# Just try to breathe through
a pore, please

# Going up

# Sorry, you have
the wrong store, please

# Going up

# Step to the rear
of the car, please

# We've got tassels and tiger skins,
Indian moccasins

# Jumpers and javelins,
gold-plated safety pins

# Going up

Can I help you?

Oh, I'm just looking.

You're not looking.
You're staring.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.
I'm a model.

And if people didn't stare at me,
I'd be out of a job.

Are you looking for
something for your girlfriend?

I don't have a girlfriend.

Oh, well, I've
run out of questions.

Well, I'd like to ask you one,
if you don't think I'm too forward.

That depends on the question.

- Do you have a boyfriend?
- No.

Well, are you busy tonight?

That's not a forward
question. That's a forward pass.

Uh, what did you have in mind?

Oh, I don't know, I just thought we
could go someplace where it's cool.

Did you know that it's so hot out

that people are only reading
fan magazines?

Funny!

Wait a minute...
Where did you hear that?

I heard Jerry Biffle say it.

But he said it to me
on the phone this morning.

To you?

Well, then you must be Sally Peters,
the girl I sang to.

And you're Cliff Lane.

Well, what a small
department store this is!

Well, what are you doing here?

I'm meeting Jerry Biffle.

No, not in the gown shop.

In the book shop.

You've got Hattie Carnegie
mixed up with Dale Carnegie.

So you're Jerry Biffle's girl.

No.

One phone call
doesn't make a romance.

Well, does that mean
you'll go out with me?

Well, I...

I might.

- When?
- Well, there's no tonight like the present.

You see, tonight's my first
show in New York, and...

I'd like to have a girl sitting in
the audience that I could sing to.

I guess I can help you out.

I'll tell you what, I'll meet you
at the employees' exit at 5:30.

Oh, that's great, Sally.

Right this way,
Mr. Jerry Biffle!

Here we go.
Glad to be here.

Oh, Mr. Biffle,
can we have your autograph, please?

No, no, please.

No autographs. Hold the crowd.
Hold that mob back, please.

- Say, there's a lovely gown.
- Yeah.

Beautiful material.

However, we ought
to take it in a little.

Oh, Mr. Biffle!

Oh, piddly-poo!
That's a pretty girl.

Too lean.

She's a girl, not a sandwich.

Get wise.
She's a miss. Here.

- You a model or a customer?
- I'm a model.

Find Sally Peters, tell her
Jerry Biffle, the star, is here.

- Certainly.
- All right, kid.

Where's everybody?
Where's the crowd?

- Maybe it's the hot weather.
- Look, Pinky,

weather don't stop people from coming
out to see Jerry Biffle. Remember that.

When you're a big star, people will
come to see you in any kind of weather.

It could be raining,
snowing, sleeting...

They're gonna come and see me,
pal. Try to remember that.

Don't ever make remarks when you...

Just remember the props for the nightclub
scene. Balloons. A lot of balloons.

All right.

Will you leave me alone?

- Everybody wants to be a writer!
- All right!

Why are you guys always arguing?

This barber gets in my hair.

Barber gets in your hair...

Hey.
There's a bad joke.

Where you been?

I've been busy lining up
the book department jokes.

The hardest work you do
is lifting a joke book.

Why don't you get lost somewhere.
I've distributed all the straight lines.

I've got a straight line, boss.

- Oh, forget, you'll laugh at my answers.
- It's my pleasure.

Yeah. Here are your ad-libs.

The ad-libs are here, huh?

You don't give me much time
to study them, do you?

- Say, aren't you hot in that coat?
- Of course, I'm hot.

But I saw a picture of Hemingway.
He wears one just like it.

Well, you see, there's nothing
like authenticity.

I wonder where Sally...

- Hear what he just said?
- What?

- Authenticity. Don't you know what that means?
- No.

- Look like an author.
- Oh!

These things...
Here. Here.

Now, remember what I told you?

Good, good. Here we go. Go on.
Up to the book department. Come on.

Mangle with the people.
Go on.

- Hey, genius.
- Me?

With all my other problems, I got to go off
and starting plugging a book now, huh?

Well, you wanted to be
a literary man of distinction.

All right, don't be a wise guy.

Who got me into
this author's racket?

- Who asked me to write the book?
- Eh...

When the Blendo Vice President
gets here, pal, you won't be so cocky.

- Oh...
- Right?

May see some changes
made around here, pal,

- you know what I mean?
- I'm sure of that.

- Your job ain't that secure.
- Mmm-hmm.

If I were you, I wouldn't put a
deposit on anything for a while,

you know what I mean?

Don't give me that
high-tone routine

because you got two years
in college, you know.

Blendo Vice President.

Hey, ain't he supposed to be
flying in today from St. Paul?

- Yes.
- Well, where is he?

Maybe his arms got tired.

If you don't stop with those
stale jokes, I'm warning you...

Oh, Mr. Biffle!
Mr. Biffle!

- Yes?
- How do you do, Mr. Biffle? I'm Betty Dillon.

Hooray!

Sally will be here
in a few minutes.

- Sally who?
- Sally Peters. I'm her roommate.

- You're Sally's roommate?
- Uh-huh.

Not a bad spot to be in, huh?
Wow-wow!

Oh, here's my writer.
Vic Davis. Writer.

Oh, what a writer.

I can tell he's a writer
by the lines on his face.

Watch yourself, pal.
This kid's pretty sharp.

Yeah, very clever. You see,
there are no more straight men.

No straight men?

You may not have noticed it,
but I happen to be a girl.

A girl just passed here.
Makes you look like a boy.

Why can't I get balloons
when I want them?

- I want them for the props in the nightclub scene.
- All right...

Mr. Biffle, I know you're always
on the lookout for new talent.

Tell me, would you be
interested in a good girl singer?

A good girl or a good singer?

One line. Remember these
gems. Remember them!

Gee, I'd do anything
to get into television.

It's not that easy.

Oh, that...
Who's got time?

I'm rehearsing.
I'm very busy rehearsing.

What I like so much about your program,
Mr. Biffle,

is the timing and the pacing,

the way you keep punching
those jokes. Gee, that's wonderful!

What do you do around here,
emcee the gowns?

- What do you do?
- Why, no. I'm the section manager.

Section manager. Pretty
clever for a section manager.

What is this with the
timing and the pacing?

What do you know
about these things?

Well, I used to be
in show business.

Oh, here we go again.

Everybody used to be
in show business.

In fact, my mother and father
were known as Cross and Dillon.

- Now you're kidding me.
- No.

Your mother and father
were Cross and Dillon?

Yes.

- Really?
- Don't tell me you know them?

Know them?

I worked for them in
vaudeville when I was a little kid!

Many times.

Her mother and father were Cross...

That was the worst act I ever saw.

They didn't close the theaters.

Those people closed cities.

You know, you're so right.

I like this kid.
She's got good spirit.

Give her some straight lines.

We'll audition her
in the book department.

- Okay. Here you are, dear.
- Oh, gee!

Those are your lines, honey.
Right there. Say them nice and loud

'cause I got the
answers right here.

- Oh.
- I'll show you how you do it.

Hello, Vic.

Hello, Sally!

Say, aren't you pretty for a girl.

Well, Sally...

- Nice of you to drop over, what?
- Yeah.

Hey, pretty.
Pretty!

Get all dressed up for me?

Oh, not exactly. This dress
has a date with a customer.

Reminds me, we got a date
in the book department.

Thousands of people
are waiting. Here we go.

I can't go, I have to work.

Oh, Sally, you've got
to come with us.

I'm gonna be in the act.

Yeah, I'm gonna use
Cross and Dillon's kid.

Look, right after that, I'll take
you to Lindy's for a quick bite.

Then we'll go over to my show.

I'll put you in
the sponsor's booth.

- Oh, that's wonderful!
- Oh, I really...

Why don't we live it up tonight?

I hear there's a new French
singer at the Reuban Bleu.

- There always is.
- Wanna go?

French singer?
Oh, how wonderful!

I just know I'm gonna enjoy it.

Why are you so shy?

This girl'll knock you out.

Let's get up
to the book department.

Well, look at the girls!

Don't touch.
Eat your heart out.

All right.
All right!

Now, you've seen Mr. Biffle. Get going,
get moving, get on the ball,

and remember the MacCracken spirit!

Who are these kids playing?
Notre Dame?

They'd like to.

Oh, you devil, you.

- Going down?
- No, thanks.

Just looking for an ashtray.

See you later in the book
department. Here we go.

Everybody, let's get moving.

Mr. Biffle,
this chart speaks for itself.

Let it talk fast.
I'm on the air in two hours.

Among the married women,
our sales are satisfactory,

but as for the girls between 18 and 25,
Mr. Biffle,

they are buying other soap.

What would you like me to do
about the girls from 18 to 25?

Your job is to lure
10 million girls.

Only got two hands.

Let me straighten you out, pal.

I'm no Romeo and Juliet.
I'm a comedian.

And you, you chart holder!

Why don't you call my agent?

Our plan,
Mr. Biffle,

is to fabricate a romance
between you and a girl.

- What girl?
- We'll call her Miss Blendo.

An American girl, young,
photogenic, unknown, and simple.

I will not be seen
with a simple girl.

A man in my position goes out
with a star, an heiress, somebody...

All right.

- Who do you go out with?
- Well, it so happens, Mr. Biffle,

that I am married
to Mr. Schuyler's sister.

Oh...

Gets you right in here, don't it?

Fifth floor! Going up.

Let me ask you something. How did you
arrive at these brilliant statistics?

Personal interviews in the field,
a series of polls.

- These are the basis of all our operations.
- Oh.

- Oh!
- Sixth floor. Going up.

All right. I know
how you fellows think.

- You're all businessmen, right?
- True.

But you don't know nothing about
show business, you wanna admit that?

- Well, we...
- Week in, week out, you look at your television screen.

Ever got to you,
how does the show get on the screen?

I'll tell you how they
get on. I put them on.

Me by myself. And what am I
guilty of? Making people laugh?

There's a crime in that?
If people laugh, you...

Can you hear me all right? Now...

- You said you believe in polls.
- Indeed I do, sir.

How's about we take a poll right
here amongst this group of strangers?

- Very well, sir.
- Would that be a fair test?

- Indeed, it would, yes.
- Oh, sir, may I impose upon you a minute, please?

Excuse us, sir, we're taking an informal
poll amongst a group of strangers.

- I wonder if you'd mind answering a few questions?
- I wouldn't mind.

- You don't have to. You understand?
- I want to, I want to.

Please, what is your occupation?

- I'm a barber.
- You're a barber.

Sir, what is your favorite soap?

Blendo Soap.

- Thank you for coming here unsolicilated.
- You're welcome.

- Sir, would you step here a minute, please?
- Why, of course.

We're having an informal poll
taken from a group of strangers.

I want you to say a word
or two if you don't mind.

Why, certainly.

- You mind telling me your occupation, please?
- I happen to be a writer.

Yeah, I'll bet. What, uh...
What is your favorite soap?

- Blendo Soap.
- Thank you very much.

Would you step in here,
please, sir?

- That was two out of two.
- Yes, it is.

Young man, we're having
an informal poll taken...

He's a very jovial type.

Would you say it?
Say it.

- Blendo Soap!
- Thank you very much.

Do you like Blendo Soap?

Four out of four. I rest my
case. Thank you, gentlemen!

You're welcome, boss!

Boss?
What do they mean, boss?

I never saw them in my life.
Let me out of here.

You can't get out. This
is the girls' fitting room.

I don't care what room it is.
When I want to get out...

No! No! I don't wanna
be bothered, no.

No autographs, please!

All right, I got a better
idea than yours.

Why don't we run a contest?
I'll be the prize.

It's too late for that. No.

- I wanna put this girl on your program tonight.
- Tonight?

- Yes.
- I do a show in two hours.

I can't help it.

No. No autographs. Some
other time. I'm too busy.

- Come on.
- What are you doing here?

Please, baby, not now. I'm
in the middle of a big hassle.

How did you expect me to
find a girl on such short notice?

Look, fellows,
you have no right to be here.

What are you, the housemother?

Any one of these girls would
be a very likely Miss Blendo.

Jerry, this is the girls'
fitting room.

Sally, I'm gonna ask you, please,
don't interrupt me, honey. I'm in...

Wait a minute.
What's the matter with me?

Sally, maybe you can help me out.

Do you know where I can find
a girl for my television show?

Some unknown girl who's pretty.

Big break for a girl, a model.

A friend of yours who
wants a break on television.

Think. One of your...
What?

Well, I didn't see you kids. Would
you all step here? You all work here?

- Single girls?
- Mr. Biffle...

Let me see
your personalities... Yes?

- Mr. Biffle, Miss Blendo...
- That's what I'm looking for.

Well, give me the...

Mr. Biffle,
why look any further? Here's the girl.

- Huh?
- Here's the girl, right here.

- This little one?
- No, no, right here. She's just the type.

Well, of course. What do
you think I put her there for?

She's perfect. Nobody ever
heard of her. She'll be great.

- Well, can you put her on your show tonight?
- Tonight?

- Yes.
- Tonight...

I'll cut out the acrobats.
Why not?

Are you lucky you know me!

I knew you'd see it my way,
Mr. Biffle.

His way.
Are you dying?

His way. Who brought you
up here? Who found the girl?

Someone please tell me
what this is all about?

This young man
can handle the details.

- Certainly.
- If it doesn't work,

you're gonna be
a dead stage manager.

Now, what's going on?

In three weeks,
this kid is gonna be Miss Blendo.

Don't scream in my ear.

- But I've never been on television!
- Why is everybody yelling?

Oh, it's easy.
Of course we can do it.

I'll give up a job
and I'll chaperone her.

Chaperone her? What for?
Nothing's gonna happen to her?

Well, maybe something
will happen to me.

Oh, would you please
stop being ridiculous?

You get ready in a half hour.
My agent will call for you.

I got to go now and
lure 10 million girls.

What in the world's
happened to Mr. Biffle? Oh, no!

Mr. Biffle...

- Miss Blendo!
- Hi!

# Who sparkles like
a snow-white china cup?

# Sweet Miss Blendo

# Love led her
down that garden path

# When they gave her
a bubble bath... #

New York Journal,
Herald Tribune, Daily Mirror.

# Yes! Yes! Yes!

Come here, baby,
jump right up here.

Hold it.
Get her the box.

Take a lot of pictures. I'll
take care of you later, okay?

Okay, Mr. Biffle.

# Dear Miss Blendo,
meet the press

# Whose photograph
is on each magazine?

# Meet Miss Blendo

# Who's smiling on
the television screen?

# Meet Miss Blendo

# There's not a single
sink or john

# That her facsimile ain't on

# Is this the face that
launched a thousand ships?

# Yes! Yes! Yes!

# Who'll have
a super-duper hooper

# Dates with Gable
and with Cooper

# Miss Blendo, dear Miss Blendo,
meet the press

# Who's known to everyone
from coast to coast?

# Meet Miss Blendo

# Who smiles at you
above your morning toast?

# Sweet Miss Blendo

# - Her advertising pull is great...
- How'd you do, Mr. Biffle? #

No, you mustn't wear the crown.

You don't wear the crown!

# And when the latest banners
we've dreamed up are unfurled

# In Scotland, China
France, and Chile

# She will
knock the people silly

# Elle Commendo,
Fraulein Blendo #

If this doesn't work,
you jerks are out of a job.

# Meet the world

Well, why don't you say something?

Well, you won't give me a chance.

I'm sorry, I...

I've been so miserable
these past three weeks.

Sally, how do you think I felt?

Why don't you make me happy
and tell me how miserable you were?

Oh, I love you, Sally.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go to Jerry Biffle and I'm
gonna tell him that I'm in love with you.

- If he doesn't like it, he can fire me.
- But you can't do that.

Why not? I can
always get another job.

There'll always be a road
company of Oklahoma!

Aw, Sally, don't worry.
Something good will happen.

Like what?

Like getting married.

Quite a proposal.

Yeah, and it's a one-liner, too.

# There's a place in my heart

# Be my guest

# It's been there
from the start

# Be my guest

# Though I don't have a dime

# In reality

# Get a load
of the old hospitality

# Though I can't
buy you diamonds

# Or furs

# Everything will be marked

# His and hers

# North or south,
east or west

# Home in someone's arms
is best

# Come and see

# Come and be
my guest

# There's a place in my heart

# Be my guest

# It's been there
from the start

# Be my guest

# Though you don't have a dime

# In reality

# Get a load
of the old hospitality

# Although you can't
buy me diamonds

# And furs

# Everything will be marked

# His and hers

# North or south,
east or west

# Home in someone's arms
is best

# Come and see

# Come and be
my guest

# Come and see

# Come and be

# My guest

Let's rehearse the last step
so Mr. Biffle can take a look at it.

What's the use?
He'll only cut it out anyway.

Well, let's rehearse it
just in case, all right?

And...

Well, what are you doing now,
a solo? Come here.

Will you stop making like
a windmill? Keep it close.

- Now, try the lift.
- I don't know what I'm gonna...

Yes, sir?

- Danny, I'm gonna make a few changes.
- Very good, sir.

You know what I mean?
Help some of the acts.

We'll start off with the dance
team. Get them out here.

- The dance team, sir?
- Yeah, I need them right away.

They're onstage now,
right behind you.

You don't understand,
I'm gonna help them personally.

- Get them out here.
- They're onstage, sir, right over here.

- You know?
- Yes, sir?

- Tommy?
- Right over here, boss? Over here.

Well, Tom, look,
when you do your number,

you do it the way I rehearsed you,
right? No changes.

- Yes. Yeah.
- You see, when the girl first comes out...

- Where's your partner?
- Up there.

- What?
- Up there.

Why don't you walk on the
ground like everybody else?

- Such nonsensical things. Steve?
- Yes, sir?

I wanna help this act,
do you understand?

Big finish, drumrolls, rim shots, and
a lot of cymbal crashes. Let's hear it.

Build it.

Hold it! I come out here
and take a little bow.

Get rid of them.
Get me the other act.

Mr. Biffle, can I talk to you
for a minute?

Not now, kid, I'm very busy.
Come back a little later.

Hey, you, wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Get rid of those balls. Here.

Juggle with the large economy size.

That'll make the vest
happy or what.

Never mind, kid. I've seen
your act. It's all right.

At the end, I come out,
take a little bow, that would...

I'll take my own bow.

- What's the name of that act?
- Sid Garfield.

Write in big letters right
through his name, N-U-A-A.

I'll know what it means.

"Never Use Act Again."

- Let's move it now.
- Yes, sir.

Sally, come here. I want to
talk to you. Sit down a minute.

- But I have to...
- Sit down.

- How's everything going?
- Fine now.

Had a nice time
these past three weeks?

You know, it kind of takes
me back to my childhood days

when we used to
play house and pretend.

The only house I played when I
was a kid was the Grand Opera House.

There's one in every city
in the United States.

Everything's show business
with you.

What else is there?

- There are...
- Drinks!

- Drinks!
- Oh. Want a drink, Sally?

No, thank you.
I'm still kind of nervous.

A piece of salami is the best
thing for a nervous condition.

You wouldn't have any ice cream?

Ice cream lays on
your stomach like lead.

Here, take a sip of this.
I'll get some hot pastrami.

Thank you, Duncan Hines.
Thank you.

- Well, it's her loss.
- Okay, okay.

Oh, by the way, I brought your
interracial sandwich.

All right, Pinky.

I couldn't get a bagel.
I put it on rye.

Pinky, all right.
What I wanted to tell you...

I couldn't get ham.
I shoved in lox.

I'll hit you with the camera.
Will you get out of here?

He's beautiful, isn't he?

What I've been trying
to tell you, honey,

it's about my habits,
so you'll get used to me.

You see, with me,
for the past 20 years

it's been right after the show,

a quick bite, a fast look
at the baseball scores,

and up to my hotel room alone with
the morning papers and there it is.

Yes, but there's love,
home, and marriage...

All the things we've been talking about
on the show for the past three weeks.

I'm not knocking them.

They're good, substantial products,
but who's got time?

I've been fighting since
I'm a kid to get up there.

Now that I'm up there,
I fight twice as hard to stay up there.

You may not believe this, Sally,

but I just about manage to
see my mother twice a year.

Once on her birthday,
once on my birthday.

They're both on the same day.

Hey, my mother would like you.

- She would?
- Yes.

Thank you.

Where does your mother live?

Queenie? She's the canasta
champ at the Essex House.

Didn't I tell you about her?

- No.
- Well, she's a pip.

You wanna see an example of
show business, what it does to you?

Look at us.
We've been together...

- Ten, 12 hours a day the past 3 weeks?
- Mmm-hmm.

You realize this is the first
few moments we've had alone,

I mean, away from the camera crew.

And do you know,
I don't know where you live right now?

You call that normal?
But it's show business.

That's what it does to you.
Busy, busy, busy!

Here, I got you alone, right? I'd like
to say something nice to you, like...

See what I mean?
Speechless without a writer.

- That's the way it gets...
- Sally?

There's a crowd of yapping
kids outside waiting for you.

- Take care of it.
- Oh, excuse me.

Here's your interracial
sandwich! I put a little pickle on it!

- Can I ask you a personal favor?
- Sure.

When I'm talking to a young lady,
don't hustle the salami!

- Hustle? I was on your side!
- Will you, please?

Don't be on my side.

Don't you understand?
I'm trying to convince her.

If she develops a taste for delicatessen,
she's a perfect girl for you.

- Quiet. Quiet.
- All right.

- Let me tell you something.
- What?

- She's a very sweet girl.
- Well, we all like her.

- I like her.
- All right.

Hey, look...

You still got that ring?

The ring? The ring! Yeah! Yeah!

Let me see, as I remember it,
it was, uh, $150...

No, no, no, no.

That was 350,
but that includes the box.

- You said 150.
- I said 350 with the box. $350.

- You distinctly said 150...
- I said 350.

Here.

Well, talk to me.

All right, let me see.

350... 100... I'll split
the difference with you.

- I'll give you $170.
- I'll take it.

What are you gonna do
with all that money?

Pay off my bookmakers.

Still with the horses. You'll
never learn. How'd you do today?

I lost.

Well, you're certainly the
happiest loser I ever saw.

Oh, you kill me!

- Back, back, back!
- What?

- Do this.
- What?

I want to know where you
are all the time. Keep doing it.

- Hiya, cap.
- Hello, Moe. Give me a hand with some of this.

That Pinky drives me nuts
sometimes.

- Get all of it now.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Here you are.
- Thanks very much.

- You're welcome.
- Here, here, here.

Make a zigglee,
a zigglee. Okay.

Don't worry about him.
Barbers keep secrets. Talk.

Well, I don't know
how I can tell you this.

Why did you start it for?

- Something wrong?
- Everything and nothing.

Takes in lots of territory.
Give me a quick rundown.

I'm in love.

He's in love.

That's why tenors were born.

- I suppose you wanna get married, huh?
- Yes.

All right, if I stay on the program,
I'll give you a $10 raise,

you can buy her some annuities,
okay? Case closed.

Well, that's very nice of you,
Mr. Biffle, but that's not all.

Well, I'm not sure you want
me to marry this girl.

Who am I to cast the first stone?

Maybe she'll change
after you marry her.

You know what I mean?
Give her a break.

All I know is if you wanna
get married, get married.

Singers who carry a torch,
I got no use for them.

- I know, but you don't understand...
- I don't understand...

What is there to understand?

You want to get married?
Get married!

Get out of town.
Elope. Simple.

Just be back in time
for rehearsals, that's all.

- Elope?
- Yeah, I just told him.

That's it, Jerry, elope.

I mean, elope, front page.

Oh, barber's getting
brilliant again, huh?

Wait a minute. You don't
understand what I'm trying to tell you.

What do you understand?
What do you understand? What?

- You want a front page.
- Yes.

You got one.

You been drinking your own
Vitalis? What's the matter with you?

- You want a front page?
- Yes.

You help the kid,
you got a front page.

I help him and I've...
Oh, Moe.

I worry about you some...

Jerry Biffle's tenor elopes.
That's it!

Your girl live in New York City?

- Yes.
- Great.

Don't you get this, Moe? An
elopement in the heart of New York city.

There's not a paper in
the country won't go for this.

- But I'm not that important.
- I am. Where does your girl live?

- 40 West 82nd street.
- 40 West 82nd...

- But this is impossible.
- Nothing with Biffle is impossible!

You tell her
I ordered you to marry her.

See? This time tomorrow
you'll be a big man.

- No, I gotta explain something first.
- All right, all right.

I'm gonna level with you.

I need a publicity stunt.
I need it bad.

This will sew it up with
that Mr. Schuyler in St. Paul.

Why don't you let me explain?
I'm trying to tell you...

Do you wanna get married?
Do you wanna get married?

Stop interrupting!

This is gonna be done my way.

- You don't get this at all, huh?
- What do you mean?

- An elopement.
- I was the guy that told you!

Here's what we'll do.

I'll meet you in front of your
girl's house at 8:30. Right?

That'll give you enough time to propose,
enough time for her to say yes.

- But suppose she doesn't want to?
- That's very cynical.

Any girl who would go
with a tenor will do anything.

Here's what we'll do.

I'll have a car in front of her house to
take you out to Greenwich, Connecticut.

Now, I'd go along with you, but I'm
gonna make a little date of my own.

Now,
you go home. Get dressed. Go on.

- You like my ideas, pal?
- You're welcome.

- Yes, sir?
- Danny, get me a phone on the double.

- Moe, you go to my dressing room...
- Uh-huh.

...punch up the script. Here,
you can have this sandwich.

- And, listen, did I pay you for last week?
- No.

- All right.
- Thank you.

I paid him.

I paid that son of a gun.

Hazel, get ahold of my press agent,

have him contact all
the top columnists.

I've got exclusives for everybody.

Yeah. What?

Columnists, not communists!
Columnists!

Did you ever hear...

Yeah. Now, listen...

You got your book with you? What's
the telephone number of my masseur?

The big guy. Walter. Whatever
his name? He rubs me down.

You know, the...
What?

Endicott-8344.
Yeah, that's the number. Yeah.

No, no, no. Just give
me a line. I'll dial it myself.

And don't listen.

Vic said you wanted a dictionary.

Mmm, mmm.

Hazel, get off the wire.

Hello?
Hello, is this Endicott-8344?

Uh, you got a fellow there named
Walter? I wanna get him on...

Wait a minute.
Walter, that's you, isn't it?

Good. I'm glad I got you. Now, listen
very closely. This is Jerry Biffle.

Look, tonight at 8:30, I want you
to meet me at 40 West 82nd street.

Write that down.
4-0 West 8...

This is Jerry Biffle.

40... Jerry Biffle.

Biffle, you know, the dressing room,
the oil, the massaging?

Solly's friend.
All right.

Anyway, but you know who's
talking? Yeah. Now, wait a minute.

This is very important.
Be sure and bring a ladder.

A big ladder that I can
hook onto the... What?

I'm not gonna write anybody.
Not a letter, a ladder!

Yeah, L-A-T-T-A-R. Yeah,
great, Walter. Yeah, okay.

But you know what I'm talking about,
and you'll be there?

Goodbye.

Hazel, call the Essex House,
leave a message for my mother.

I gotta see her tonight at 10:00 or
11:00. It's vastly important. Roger.

- Hello, Mr. Biffle.
- Shh!

Don't mention my name.
I'm in disguise.

You're all right,
Walter. I knew I could depend upon you.

Now, listen, I expect some
photographers and then... Oh.

Did you bring the ladder like I...

What is that?

You brought it.
You're all right, Walter.

- This is the house.
- What?

- This is the house.
- You sure? Okay.

Now, take the ladder, hook it on...

Wait a minute.

You take the ladder and you...

- What room did he say she was in?
- I don't know.

We'll find out, won't we?

Huh?

Let me handle this,

'cause you're a bundle of nerves.

All right, here's what we do.

Let's see what room she's in.
Follow me. Shh!

- Oh, I hear you like to go fishing, Tom.
- I don't...

How are you, ladies? Out for
a little shank of the evening?

By George, that's a crackerjack
way of doing things... Come on.

This dame will never get married.

Let's see what's over here.

Oh, this is cute.

They're watching the wrestling
on a television.

They got no television.

What are you doing? Why are
you looking in people's window?

What kind of thing is that to do?

- I think she's upstairs.
- Of course it's upstairs.

How you think people are gonna elope if
they don't live... Where are you going?

Where are you going? Did
I tell you to lift the ladder?

See what a bundle of nerves
you became?

Lay it down gently.

Gently. Gently! You'll wake
the whole neighborhood.

Come on, take...

Space cadet is here.

Hey, you following me?

You live around here?

You just want to watch.
I figured.

Now, go away,
kid. I'll play with you some other time.

Now, kid, don't be a pest.

Walter, look, if you're
a bundle of nerves...

What's wrong with you?
Can't you hold on? Come here.

Take the ladder...

You, as long as you're here,
help him with the ladder.

Come on, Walter,
I want it on this window.

Then I'll show you what
to do with it. Come on.

Come on, Walter.
We haven't got all...

Walter, come.

What?

What a minute. What is this
silly nonsense? Stop being a...

Come on, will ya?

Don't...

Walter, you just gonna stand
there? Can't you see I'm...

Come on, kid, I'm...
Don't be a...

What? What is this...

Oh, come on. This is...
Will you, please?

Walter, come on,
faster. Let's get rid of this character.

You, come on now!
Don't...

Go! Go! Go! Walter,
come on, fast! Step over me.

Get rid of him.
Give him a...

Come on, Walter, faster.
Let's get out of here.

Will you, please?

Come on.

Get out of here, will you, please?

Come on. Get the
ladder up here.

You go up the ladder. I'll see
if the photographers are here.

Where are you going?

Wait. I can't... Will you...
Will you wait?

This guy's crazier than you.
Would you...

Come on, kid. Now,
we don't want them to...

No! No! No,
wait a minute, will you?

No. Oh. Oh.
Will you...

Don't be one of those...
Hey, come on, will ya?

Walter!

Oh. Wait.

Get out of here.

Get up there.

- There's a girl in there.
- Ask her to step out a minute.

Help!

Let me go, you monsters!
I'll call the police!

Come on. Come down.
- That's what I'll do...

Operator, give me the police.

I don't think that's the girl.
Let's...

- Here I am, Mr. Biffle.
- Where's the right place?

- Up here.
- This room?

Good boy. Listen, I want you
to go up and get her, Walter.

Lots of pictures.
And make a lot of coverage.

- You got it?
- All right.

Come on.
Oh, Walter.

You knocked my glasses...
Walter? I'm... Wait a minute.

- Are you a photographer?
- Yes.

Listen, there's a pair
of glasses on the floor.

- Hey, you with him?
- That's right, Mr. Biffle.

There's a pair of glasses
right around here.

I don't see any glasses anywhere.

What are you, nuts or something?

Walter, I lost my glasses.

Over here, Mr. Biffle.

Right over here.
Put your arm around the bride.

I got her. Go ahead.
Take the picture.

- No, Mr. Biffle, over here, please.
- Where's every...

Right here.

Face the camera,
Mr. Biffle.

- Walter?
- Yeah?

Point me towards the camera.

- Now, kiss the bride.
- Kiss the bride?

- All right.
- Hold it!

- Okay. Get it, fellas!
- Thanks a lot, Mr. Biffle.

Good luck to you.

- Hey, Cliff.
- Over here.

When you come back,
I want to meet your wife. Remember that.

- Walter?
- Yes.

Take me to the ladder. Let's get
out of here before the cops come.

We've had enough for one...

Would you...
Get out of here!

Okay, announcer onstage, please.

- Okay, Danny.
- Now, Pete.

We'll catch this entire dress
rehearsal on camera two.

Give me a spot over here.

Go.

Jerry Biffle is always willing to
lend a helping hand to new talent.

Three weeks ago,
when he found Miss Blendo,

he also found a new singer,
Betty Dillon.

And here she is, in a number

conceived, produced,
staged, costumed,

choreographed,
and directed by Jerry Biffle.

# You ought to be doing
the sans souci

# Old New Orleans discovered it

# Oui, oui, oui

# You ought to be doing it

# Yes, siree

# And shall we say
we'll dance this way?

# We'll dance until
the break of day

# While on the drums
those drummers play

# The sans...

# Sans sou...

# Souci...

# Oui, oui, oui, wow

These pictures get worse.

What a disgrace for me.

I won't be able to go
in Toots Shor's for a year!

Why didn't one of you guys stop me?

None of us knew
what you were going to do.

As many times as I
kissed Sally in the show,

you'd think I'd be able
to recognize her.

Well, who'd you think
you were kissing?

Who knew?
I lost my glasses.

Well, what were you doing
at your mother's all night?

- It wasn't mother's day.
- You listen to me.

There are certain things
no matter how old you are,

you ask your mother's permission.

You're blowing the whole program!

I'll kill that Moe the barber.

Him and his crazy...

Hey! Did you call
Schuyler in St. Paul?

It's no use.
I've been trying for hours.

What a laugh.
Only this laugh's on me.

Canceled at the beginning
of a season.

Don't worry,
Jerry. You can always do something else.

Yeah, yeah.
Maybe I can do a picture.

Sure, and if you don't do one here,
you can always do on in Italy.

What a program I had planned
for next week.

A real romance
between me and Sally.

I even bought her a trousseau!

You can give it to Cliff and Sally.

Thanks very much!

Only a guy who went to Princeton
could dream up a series like that.

Episodes in the Life
of Mr. and Mrs. Blendo.

Oh, I'm sure Sally didn't know
that Jerry was gonna be canceled.

Ed Parker found them at 3:00
in the morning and signed them.

Here it is, friends.

The story of my life.

Here lies Jerry Biffle,
A Collection of Boffs and Bombs.

I wasn't satisfied just
being a comedian. Not me.

I had to be a lover, an author,
an elopement arranger.

Oh, come on, Jerry,
you're not through.

Boss, to us, you're still the...

What?
Still what?

You're still top banana.

No one can take that away from you.

That's right, they can't.

Top banana, huh?

I didn't realize how well
off I was in burlesque.

No sponsors. No
commercials. No money.

Just a lot of laughs, trying to make
people happy and forget their troubles.

I didn't realize it then, but...

Those were the days.

# We're pluggin' in
to say hello

# Hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello

# We're pluggin' in
to let you know

# We haven't got a thing on
after the show

# So if you have
a little time to spend

# We're looking for,
we'd just adore a gentleman friend

# So call us up
and let us know

# Hello, hello, hello

# This must be the place

# This I gotta see

# What the hey

This is gonna be very interesting.

Beg your pardon, madam.
What seems to be the trouble?

My husband just died.

Don't go away. You'll
wanna hear the end of this.

Now, let me see.
You were saying?

I said my husband is dead.

Your husband ain't dead.
He's hiding.

Say, now, there's a pretty girl.

And a lovely costume.
I beg your pardon, my dear.

What type of work do you do?

I'm a fortuneteller.

Fortuneteller?
Say, that's very interesting.

Would you like your palm read?

Love my palm read.

What the hey?

# Girl of all nations

# You're tantalizing

# You're hip-a-notizing

# There may be
unforgettable... #

What happened?

# Girl of all...

Hey, gentlemen, watch these girls.

# You're fas-you-niting

# You're captivating

# Oh, there may be
others as pretty

# But you're
international... #

Oh, listen, Hazel, I'll bring the
egg roll, Eddie'll bring the rice, see?

And get the other stuff and
leave the back door open...

All right, Murray. All right.
I'm talking to the broad.

# You are romance

# This is my theory

# In Spain or France

# Or on Lake Erie

# Girl of all nations

# Who could...

What'd I do?
What happened?

# Once they have kissed you

# You are divine

# Girl of the grange

# And hill and range

# Beauty unfurled

# Girl of the world

# You're mine

Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen.

The management
of Minsky's Rialto Theater

takes a great deal
of pride and pleasure

in presenting the feature
attraction of the evening.

Here she comes,
dancing away into your hearts...

Miss Bubbles McCoy!

Those were the days.

Well, what's the use
of talking about it now?

Come on, kids.
I'm through here.

I got a lot of packing to do.
I'll see you later.

Don't be discouraged.

We'll get something else.

Arthur Godfrey can't do
all the shows.

Hazel, get me my mother at
the Essex House right away.

Hello.
Oh, hello, Mom.

This is your son.

Jerry Biffle. Yeah.

Hey, Ma, you know what
we spoke about last night?

It's off.

You'll know why
when you read the papers.

- Jerry...
- I'll call you back, Ma.

- We want to talk to you.
- Sure, everybody wants to talk to me.

Jerry, the kids wanna
cancel their program.

They wanna cancel?
They didn't even start yet.

- Jerry, Mr. Parker didn't tell us anything.
- All right. Take it easy.

You can't turn down
an opportunity like this.

- We won't be happy.
- What do you mean you won't be happy?

You gotta be happy.

You're young. You're
in love. You got dough.

We even got married.

Of course.
Congratulations.

The singer always gets the girl,
huh? It's the perfect plot.

I tried to tell you,
but you wouldn't listen to me.

Save your voice!

Worry about your new show.
I'll help you with the first one.

- Thanks, Jerry.
- Remember one thing.

When the reporters ask you
how you got up there,

you gotta tell them Jerry Biffle
gave you your first break, right?

Right.

Would you be interested
in a bargain engagement ring?

I'd be interested.

You?

Oh, why not?

Go ahead, here.

Sure.

Oh, Jerry!

That'll be $170.

- What?
- With the box.

Well, I'm glad you're still here,
Mr. Biffle.

What are you do glad about?
You got some more charts?

Maybe you'd like to
fire me in person.

Oh, no, Jerry. For once,
you have to listen.

Why do I have to listen to him?

You know what happened
the last time I listened to him.

Mr. Biffle, you mustn't
blame me.

You would've done
the same thing in my place.

Look, I don't blame you. Only
in your place, I'd have fired you.

I just received this wire
from Mr. Schuyler.

Why not?
Schuyler's his brother-in-law.

- Don't you know what this is?
- What?

Nephew-tism!

Oh, come on, Jerry, will you
give the man a chance to explain?

I give him a chance, he's got his show
back. That's all he's interested in.

Mr. Schuyler has decided there
will be two Blendo half-hour shows.

One solid hour of comedy,
entertainment, romance...

- And commercials.
- Precisely.

Each week, two young people in
love will be your guest, Mr. Biffle.

And you will arrange
their elopement

exactly as you did
for Cliff and Sally.

That will be The Jerry Biffle Show.

Comedian turns cupid.
I love this.

One-line joke about cupid.

The Jerry Bifflehalf-hour
will be followed by

The Mr. and
Mrs. Blendo Show.

Each week, an episode in the happy married
life of that typical American couple,

Cliff and Sally,
Mr. and Mrs. Blendo.

- This might even replace Howdy Doo-doo.
- Oh, come on!

Hey, I got it. I got the
slogan for both shows...

Blendo soap, the only ring
it leaves is a wedding ring.

- Hits you right in here, don't it?
- Sensational.

Oh, look, honey,
call my mother at the Essex House.

Tell her I can't
take her to dinner.

- Tell her to go to Grossinger's if she wants.
- Right.

Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Hold everything!

Hey, Parker.

- You seem to have overlooked one small detail.
- Yes?

Jerry Biffle is no longer
under contract to you.

- What do you mean?
- You fired him last night.

Why, I didn't...

This is a holdup.

- Shake hands with Jesse James.
- Oh.

Now, it's only a question
of money, Parkie.

Now, wait a minute,
Vic. Let's be fair.

- That's not the question.
- No?

- That's the answer.
- Do you know what I ought to do to you?

- If you ever try...
- What are you gonna do?

- Oh, very well.
- Give this to the papers.

- Biffle just beat Princeton.
- Right.

- And you can tell that to your wife's brother.
- All right.

Yes, sir?
Yes, Mr. Biffle?

Get me Tommy. I'm gonna
change his entire dance routine.

- Betty.
- Yeah.

When you do your song, stand up...

- Oh, the barber is here.
- Yes.

- Look, haircut, shave. No conversations.
- Right.

You got any ideas,
keep them to yourself.

- I pay you for last week?
- No.

- Here.
- Thank you.

And you, when you make love to her
on the program, forget you're married.

Do it like you mean it.
Do me the dance.

Why do you always... The big
dance. Not those kind of balloons!

# If you wanna be
the top banana

# You gotta start
at the bottom of the bunch

# You gotta know the joke
about the farmer's daughter

# And take it in the kisser
with the soda water

# If you wanna be
a burlesque comic

# It's basic training
for you to take a punch

# You gotta roll your eyes
and make a funny face

# And do a take and holler,
"This must be the place"

# If you wanna be
the top banana

# You gotta start
from the bottom up

# If you wanna be
a burlesque comic

# It's basic training
for you to take a punch

# You gotta roll your eyes
and make a funny face

# And do a take and holler,
"This must be the place"

# If you wanna be
the top banana

# You gotta start
from the bottom up #