Tootsies & the Fake (2019) - full transcript
Make way! 3 tootsies, 1 lesbian and an A-list superstar are coming! Get ready for their new adventures.
- Nak is a ghost!
- Nak is a ghost!
Pee Mak.
Help!
Pee Mak.
Pee Mak.
My fellows, how shall we proceed?
We must flee by river.
I concur with thee.
Bitches.
What the hell are you saying?
We’re gay. Why do you talk
like Shakespeare?
Right.
You’re the worst of them, Natty.
The others stuck to only Pee Mak.
You dragged them into Love Destiny.
That's right, nosy Natty.
You nosy bitch.
Nosy bitch.
Pee Mak.
Here she comes.
Let's paddle to see the Venerable Wisit.
Go! Just go!
Keep paddling!
Don't stop!
Why are we moving so slow?
Natty, stop dragging your feet.
You lazy lezzie.
Goodness! The boat is leaking!
What should we do?
Let's throw out useless stuff.
- Golf!
- Golf!
Natty is the queen of uselessness.
- Good job.
- Good job.
Let’s go.
Why is the boat stuck?
Don’t tell me that...
You jerks left me.
- Natty, a ghost!
- Natty, a ghost!
- What?
- A ghost!
- A toast?
- A ghost!
I'm not giving a toast.
- Jesus! It's Nak the ghost.
- Jesus! It's Nak the ghost.
Gus.
Help me raise our kid.
No, I hate kids!
Did you have a nightmare?
Did you see numbers?
I'll have my mom buy lotto tickets.
Well...
Gus, what's wrong?
Why are you making that face?
I am...
scared of your new nose.
Are you a house elf?
I'll put a curse on you.
Show my nose job some respect.
Fine. You look great.
But first things first,
tell Fatty to stop moping and eat.
Fatty, eat something.
Stop crying. Enough already.
Bitch.
Stop being dramatic.
We didn’t come to Surat Thani to get you
so you can act this way.
- Dear passengers,
- Put seat belts on.
- We are currently experiencing turbulence.
- Please put your seat belts on.
Please return to your seats,
fasten your seat belts,
and refrain from using the lavatory.
Oh, no.
Do you have cramps, Natty?
No, I need to take a dump.
Natty.
Hold it.
I’m too traumatized already.
You can’t lose your shit
inside another vehicle.
I'm begging you.
Are you feeling better?
Are you kidding me?
I can barely hold it in.
Natty, don't think about it.
Let it go like Elsa in Frozen.
Guys, look.
Is it time for the big finale?
If I don’t go now,
it will be a huge one.
You can't go, ma'am.
You must remain seated.
I must take a dump.
- No!
- You can't!
You can’t. We're hitting an air pocket.
You'll break your neck.
Remember?
Stay seated.
How fabulous.
Experience has made
your butthole stronger.
What are you doing?
I have to shit.
It’s coming out.
Natty, don't disrespect Thai airspace.
Natty, please. I just had my heart broken.
Stop, you bitch!
Natty!
Kim, take her away.
Natty, you can’t shit here!
I can’t hold it anymore!
- Oh, no!
- Kim!
My nose!
POOPY AND THE FAKE
The shit explosion
on the plane was nothing
compared to the lives of us
three gays and one lesbian
who have been friends for over ten years.
Our lives suddenly hit a rocky patch
and spiraled out of control.
First is Golf, an elephant incarnate,
who didn't shave his head
to be ordained for his parents.
I won't leave.
If Wisit remains ordained,
I’ll stay to take care of him forever.
Come home.
It's been a month.
You're shunned
by the makeup artist community.
Venerable Wisit, I’m right here.
Let him go, Fatty.
He’s a monk. You can't be together.
Can't we?
Fine!
I'll become a monk.
Fatty, calm down!
Is the heat driving you mad?
- Fatty!
- Fatty!
Fatty, you can’t be a monk.
Everyone knows you’re gay.
- You're gay.
- You're gay.
- You're gay.
- You're gay.
- You're gay.
- You're gay.
You're gay.
I don’t care.
Gross. You're sweating.
Let me go!
Let me go!
- Shit.
- Shit.
Fatty.
It’s all right. It will grow back.
You look fine.
With an unwavering heart,
Golf had to go back to Bangkok
with a bold buzz cut.
I’ll take you to get hair extensions.
As for Natty,
the lesbian of our group
whom we call Nasty Natty...
Please sign your name as the beneficiary.
Twenty-two million baht!
Her life changed suddenly
when her mom won the first-prize lottery.
I have something to give
to someone special to me.
Unfortunately,
her luck came up short.
And that is
Richy.
RICHY
He's the stray cat I adopted.
Mom!
This is like Game of Thrones.
Richy never leaves my side.
He brings me luck
by pointing out the first prize numbers.
Today, I want everyone
to celebrate with me.
So you all know
who it is that's most important to me.
Richy.
- You’re dead!
- Stop.
This is a very important document.
LIFE INSURANCE
SUM ASSURED
22,000,000 BAHT
SUWIMOL NOPSIRI
Never mind.
At least you named me as the beneficiary,
your one and only heiress.
I’m giving it to Richy.
Mom.
Why do you choose a cat over me?
Mom!
Quiet, Natty.
If you want the money, give me a grandkid
to reassure me
I'll be taken care of when I’m old.
Tough luck for you
since you dig dikes.
It's an evil cat and a sassy lesbian.
Natty must find a man
in order to get the inheritance.
As for Kim,
a flight attendant who is queer enough
to be a stewardess,
he’s in danger of losing his job
due to the shit incident on the plane.
The bleeding stopped.
His nose was hit hard.
Luckily, it’s all silicone.
Jesus. That's too much information.
Kim who loves his career
with all his heart
fights foot and nail for it.
It was an emergency.
I really tried my best
to handle the situation.
My love and loyalty for this profession
are beyond what you can imagine.
If the sky could feel my passion,
it would shed tears with pride
- for my--
- Kim.
I made a decision
- to let you go--
- Go?
Are you letting me go?
It's just a trivial matter.
This is nothing
compared to my sex with a pilot
in the cockpit.
I wasn't going to fire you.
I want you to take a leave
to get your nose fixed.
It's like you have a stalactite
coming out of your nose.
But as I'm made aware
of such obscene incident...
After losing his temper,
Kim lost his job and became a fallen angel
like a sanitary pad with no wings.
How will I make a living?
As for Gus, who's known
among the page followers as
Sha, the blogger of Diary of Tootsies.
That's me, the proud star of this movie.
I'm facing problems
in all aspects of life.
Let’s start with a guy problem.
This is mine.
Sorry.
Goodbye.
I met Top, my ex,
looking like I swam through nuclear waste.
It was right before Win,
my current boyfriend,
welcomed me with heart-wrenching words.
Did you fall into a shit tank?
The real issue is the kid.
You bet the kid isn't mine.
She is Chicky Chick's kid.
Chicky chick
Chick chick chirping
You guys aren’t dancing with me.
- Chicky chick
- Let’s dance, girls.
- Let's dance.
- Come on.
Jingjai is from northeastern Thailand.
She’s obsessed with
the "Chicky Chick" song
and she sings it all day long.
Goodness, sweetie.
When she's in the mood,
she speaks in northeastern dialect.
That's a lousy dance.
She's the kid of Win’s relative.
Her parents died in a car accident,
so Win's family took her in.
Why is she living here?
Because I love kids.
You're so fake.
- You liar.
- You're the one to talk.
You call yourself Lisa Blackpink.
You're obviously RuPaul.
Goodness.
Is our Lisa sick?
Just keep dancing.
I’m back.
Jingjai.
I bought you a toy medical kit.
Let's go play.
Jingjai isn't interested.
She wants to dance.
Doctor?
I want to play doctor.
Let’s go.
- Let's go!
- That’s how she became
Win’s new sweetheart.
That brat Jingjai.
She's a sweet kid.
You're the phony one.
You're so fake.
That’s not all.
The story of us four Tootsies
got even worse.
The gods sent the ultimate diva
to add to our crazy mess.
That's fabulous.
Fantastic.
What a queen.
You're rocking this.
Perfect.
God have mercy.
She really is the Empress
of the entertainment industry.
She's nothing special in person.
She looked prettier in her pictures
at the Cannes Festival.
I’ll slap your mouth.
Don’t disrespect my Queen of Cannes.
Cathy is the number one queen in my heart.
Isn't it a bit much?
I’ll do anything to have Cathy
tag me in her photos
or say my name on a talk show.
Sure.
But right now,
come back to the real world
and finish Claudia’s makeup.
My face is moisturized
down to the fat layer now.
I’ll take it off. I'm sorry.
Sunscreen, please.
This is a primer.
It's the white bottle.
Focus.
Do you want money?
Go easy on me. I’m your friend.
I can’t. I have to act professional.
I hired you to help me today,
so we look like a professional team.
Cathy might notice me
and hire me to do her makeup.
Right?
That's gross, Golf.
What a professional.
I'm not wasting good stuff.
Hi.
How is our Star Avenue girls' makeup
- coming along?
- Almost done.
Look at her.
She's got a Hollyhua-level artist
to do her makeup.
More like holy shit.
Even if it’s holy crap, I don’t mind.
Just make my girl look gorgeous.
Our Star Avenue calendar
for this year must blow
Nadao's calendar out of the water.
Just have Cathy do yoga poses
for the calendar.
SALUTE TO OUR YOGA QUEEN!
Her fans will buy all of them.
- It's Cathry.
- "Cathry"?
Cathry. Say it right.
Cathry.
- Cathry.
- "Cathry."
- Cathry.
- "Cathry." All right.
It's "Cathry."
Cathry.
Catriona Kannika Wang.
Okay.
Cathry, go get changed.
I’ll go smoke a fag.
See you.
You have good techniques.
You poked my eye.
So professional.
You complimented me. I was nervous.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb you.
Not at all. You didn’t disturb me.
I’m a no-name artist.
You complimented me.
I never thought I’d be so lucky.
I judge people on their work.
It’s the way I am.
You’re so real.
You are the Empress
both on and off screen.
Can I hug you?
Of course.
You smell so nice.
You're really sweaty.
I’m chubby and nervous.
I loved you in Golden Orange Flower.
I remember all your lines.
“I love you, Daddy.”
I watched every episode of The Fiery Sand.
“I will take back everything that's mine.”
I got one more.
“Take a right to Saraburi
and you're good to go."
I loved you in Autumn-Winter Folk Song.
So fabulous.
Thank you.
I have to go change.
Okay.
Cathy!
No!
My nose!
Goryah!
Goryah!
As the manager of Cathry,
Catriona Kannika Wang,
I have to apologize again.
But I still insist
that the agency talk to the client
to postpone the shoot for two weeks.
The client won’t agree.
You already rescheduled once.
They had to pay
a huge sum of cancellation fees.
I understand what you're saying.
I’m asking just in case
she can’t make it to the shoot that day.
Worst case is
we need to tell the client
to change the model.
What's worse is
if the client sues the agency,
we’ll have to sue you and Cathy
for damages.
Goodbye.
This is all your fault, you dumbasses.
You fucked up my life and Cathy’s.
- It's Cathry--
- Shut up!
Kim.
I’m sorry.
If I could take Cathy's place--
I mean Cathry's place,
I would've done it.
She was so nice to me
and this happened to her.
It’s my damn sweat!
You’re fat. I understand.
Get checked for diabetes
and fatty liver disease.
But you.
Who did your nose?
Why is it so hard
it can break a person’s neck?
Tell me.
It's Dr. Kamala.
That's Cathry's surgeon.
Did she get her nose done?
It was for her foot corns.
What a letdown.
It’s me who was let down!
Mark my words.
If the agency sues me for damages,
I will sue you two
for causing Cathry to end up like this.
Can you give us a guesstimate
of how much it is?
At least 50 million.
Fifty million, you motherfucker!
Fifty million!
How long must I work to pay off that debt?
It’s the third time
I had to get my nose fixed today.
I look like the Terminator.
Kim.
If Kim Kardashian can pull through,
so can you.
This is a new surgeon at a new hospital.
It won’t be a mess like before.
I’m afraid it will be.
Mr. Pipat Saekim.
They called you.
Your next appointment is on the eighth.
Okay.
You look familiar.
This is Lyla, Luca, and Louella.
LOUELLA, LUCA, LYLA
- Paula!
- Paula!
- Are you a new patient?
- Yes.
You may not know
about our Superstar package.
"Look like a star
with our Superstar package."
Open it.
This package
can make you look identical to any stars.
And of course, I chose to be
Paula, the promoter of collagen.
You look just like her.
Has anyone chosen
to be Cathry, Catriona Kannika Wang?
- Cathy?
- Yes.
She's very popular now.
We did one this morning.
I’ll check.
Kim, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
We completed the surgery
of three patients.
- Three?
- Three?
Can we have their names?
DRIVE THRU FOR TAX
Documents, please.
She looks just like her.
We got this.
She’s the one.
Documents, please.
Miss Aye will get you
so bewitched you can't find your way home.
Aren't her brows too thick?
They look like leeches.
We can wax them.
I think she will do.
Trust me.
What number do you want?
I want triple eight.
Triple eight, you have customers.
She's perfect.
NAM'S HOT CURRY
BEST CURRY IN TOWN
She's our last hope.
I have a clip of her old face.
Are you cooking
with your hands or your feet?
You hobos should learn the difference
between the taste of food and feet.
Eat it if you can. If not, just dump it.
What’s taking so long? We want it today.
You took forever to order
and you want me to hurry.
Why didn’t you come yesterday, asshole?
Bite me.
Are you in a rush to die?
Assholes.
The surgeon did a great job.
It's too bad he could only fix her face,
not her manners.
Ma'am, I'll have a heavenly curry.
NAM'S HOT CURRY'S MENU
HEAVENLY CURRY, AN ORGY SPECIAL
You low life. You’re not worthy.
Hey, darling.
Come in for a taste.
A cute guy like you
gets a working girl like me so hot.
Goodness.
Where are you going? Come here.
The sign may say curry for sale,
but if you turn me on,
I'll let you eat for free.
She's a true streetwalker
of the street food district.
What a slut.
Let’s go.
What the hell?
May you rest in peace.
Cathy, don’t look at me.
Stop staring.
I only took your pay from that one job.
Maybe two.
Five.
That’s all.
Seven.
Goryah.
This is our solution
to help you and Cathry.
What is this?
This is Nam.
She’s a curry fried rice vendor.
She had plastic surgery
to look like Cathy.
Goodness.
Cathry doesn’t have a fang.
It gets worse.
My Lord.
Hello, Dumbo.
Hair styling techniques can cover them up.
Are you sure?
A substitute is better than a subpoena.
Think of when you are served.
You will be too.
Jesus.
That's why we have to do this.
What do you want in return?
Do you want a sports car?
A fancy home downtown?
How about twins of your own?
A seat in the new parliament?
Tell me what you want.
It is my greatest dream.
If I tell you, don’t be shocked.
I want to be on Chef Pom’s show.
What?
- I want to be on Chef Pom’s show.
- What?
I want to be on Chef Pom’s show.
Why is it...
Is that it?
As you wish.
Tune in for Heaven’s Kitchen
every Saturday at noon on Channel four.
You’ve been warned.
The first contestant
to answer the question
from our judges is...
contestant number three,
Gus Teetawit Setthongchai.
Please pick an envelope.
This is the question from Mr. Win.
If you become the new Prime Minister,
what will you do for our children?
For our children,
I think
we must get rid of them.
I’ll build a jail on an island
and throw all the kids in there
until they turn 18
and set them free.
This is because?
I hate kids.
I hate kids!
Bitch! Stop! That's enough!
You little chicken shit!
Oh, god.
G.
G.
Look. Do it like this.
- G.
- G.
Does "G" stand for "Gus"?
Right?
Do you want to try again?
Let's do it.
- G...
- G...
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick chirping
Keep practicing, Jingjai.
Also, try singing some other songs.
No.
I’m going to sing...
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick
GOUT GOT ME
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chick
Gus.
I hope you get caught.
Be happy and healthy.
Bye, Gus.
Bye.
We tried every position, Doctor.
I can't get her knocked up.
That's right.
Even the helicopter position didn't work.
It’s all right.
We like alternative schools.
- English classes.
- Tutoring classes.
- Chinese.
- Rock climbing and hunting.
We’ll be cool parents
with trilingual kids.
If there's nothing else to discuss,
can we do a GIFT procedure?
You've got makeup on your collar.
Thanks.
Having kids isn’t a joke.
- Yes.
- Don't be reckless.
Think of their future.
I’m sorry.
You're a lousy actor.
I’m going to lose the inheritance.
Why don’t you adopt Jingjai?
Problems solved.
No.
My mom wants a child from my womb.
How fussy.
Ms. Nopsiri, please make the payment
at window three.
Two thousand baht.
Okay.
Mr. Sawangreungpaisarn,
pick up your medications at window nine.
Sawangreungpaisarn...
- Thank you.
- Top!
Holy shit.
What kind of crappy day is this?
Do you think he saw me?
No.
I did.
Hey, Top. Are you sick?
I brought my wife to get prenatal care.
- Wait.
- What?
I'm kidding.
I’m picking up my monthly medications.
I can’t sleep.
It’s my mom.
Is she okay?
My mom is dead.
- What?
- Fuck.
Hello.
I found a piece of land
by the ocean in Surat Thani.
It’s beautiful.
Oh, is it already my property?
I forgot.
Goodness. He's a catch.
He's handsome and rich.
He seems much more mature.
Plus, his mom who hated you is dead.
Everything is falling into place.
This must be destiny.
Destiny, my ass.
I’m with Win now.
He can be my destiny.
I’ll ask for his sperm to make my baby.
You bimbo.
Do you think he will agree?
Goodness.
Thai education is shit
because people like you drag it down.
Let’s go.
Why are you so harsh?
Get used to it.
All right. Before we begin coaching,
in order to improve our class,
may the acting coach goddess
possess my body.
Hello, everyone.
- I am...
- Stop it, Fatty.
Are you an acting coach?
You're more like a couch.
All right.
Can Miss Cathry come out here
to start her training?
Hello, everyone.
I'm Cathy in the flesh.
Wow. What a great impersonation.
Even if the audience is miles away,
they can tell you’re a fake.
You're a fake.
Try again.
Hello, everyone.
Are you tired?
I bought snacks for you.
Two kilos of Manila Tamarind.
You're an obvious bumpkin.
Do mind your purse.
Do it again.
What's up?
I'm Nam from Khlong Lod.
I’m tired. I'm discouraged. I'm starving.
Let's take a break, bitches.
It’s expensive.
Goryah lent it to us.
We can't let her talk.
Let her talk only when it's necessary.
When I look at her,
I still don't see a superstar.
She's a stone in the rough.
What now? Should we give up?
Are you crazy?
What if they sue us for 50 million?
I don't mind getting sued.
I'm worried about my pride as her fan.
If I leave Cathry right here,
it will haunt me all my life.
How can I watch her dramas
without feeling guilty?
We can't give up now.
There is a lot of work to do.
We're going to turn Nam into Cathry today.
Change her clothes. Do her makeup.
Get her into character.
This is the real me.
Lesson one, smile like Cathy.
Nam, begin.
Why does her smile look so sad?
I told you to smile like Cathy,
not Chucky.
Smile like a lady.
Hey!
Fuck you.
We want to see a superstar,
not a street peddler on meth.
Hide your fang.
People will know you're a fake.
Give me a smile
that makes men divorce their wives.
Excuse me.
Is it the Botox?
I think it’s cute.
It's a yes from me.
Natty, no.
Keep your opinion to yourself.
You just teach her yoga.
This lesson is the most important.
It’s about acting.
This is Cathry's drama
with skyrocketing ratings.
It's Prisoner of Love.
Let me go.
Well?
Will you behave now, Araya?
Let go of me, Visarut.
No. Come here.
Come here.
I’m giving you one last chance.
Apologize to me.
Good, Kim. That’s good.
I won't apologize.
I did nothing wrong.
I spoke my mind.
Why did you help me?
Why didn’t you let me die?
Nam.
Are you playing a rock?
Even Kim's nose is less stiff.
Didn't I tell you?
Death
is too easy for you.
You
must stay with me and suffer
for a very long time.
Nam, fight back.
Fight back.
Play off each other.
Let your emotions out.
Feel it from within.
That's not true.
You helped me because you were scared
to watch me die.
You’re an animal.
You're all talk,
but you'll never hurt me for real.
Fine.
You asked for it, Araya.
Stop, you monster.
You asked for this.
I will make you mine.
No.
No, you savage. Let me go.
The legendary one-eye teardrop.
That was amazing.
I rocked that performance.
You were so into it.
I was about to unhook my bra.
Me too.
What’s with you, Natty?
Trying on a dress is a piece of cake.
Just don’t speak.
No matter what, don’t talk.
Don’t make a sound.
Sit properly.
Sit up straight.
Like that.
Goryah said you have a sore throat.
Is it really bad?
Yes.
Take some pills and get lots of rest.
Let’s try on the dress
the client picked out.
Sa, dear.
Go try on your dress.
You don’t need to go with her.
Cathy wears
this kind of dress all the time.
She can manage.
Are they your new assistants, Goryah?
Yes, I’m quite busy.
I can’t handle it.
They're covering the details,
so we don’t miss anything.
Got it.
But no worries.
A backless dress is easy to wear.
- Yes.
- She's confident with wearing
this kind of dress.
Just wait and see.
A DANGER TO NATIONAL SECURITY
A backless dress is for showing your back.
Your breasts must be covered.
They're not for show.
You sure like to joke around.
I’ll pin in the waste of your dress a bit.
I’m sorry. That was clumsy.
My poor darling.
Not even a whimper.
You really are
the Empress of the industry.
All done.
Can I see the underarms?
Hey!
Perfect.
It's just the camera and lighting crew.
It's good we're here before the client.
We can sneak in first.
Yes.
I want something sour
or I’m going to puke.
- Are you nervous?
- Are you?
That’s one reason,
but the main reason is
the sight of your damn cleavage.
Come on.
This is the design by Pok Love Me London.
She is a prominent makeup artist.
Hello, I’m Golf,
Love Me Temple of Dawn.
- Kim, what will we do about Nam's voice?
- What?
Don't worry.
I asked Gus to handle it last night.
I’m trying to get there.
I prepared the balloons last night.
When I woke up,
that brat Jingjai tied them to her salon.
She screamed when I tried
to get them back.
A little bit more.
Okay.
Kim, I have to go. I have an idea.
Goodness!
What is this?
How come my hairdo
isn't fabulous like his?
What’s the fuss?
Calm down, ma'am.
I’ll handle it.
Jesus Christ.
Why is this happening?
Damn!
Damn zit.
Jingjai, you little brat.
What did you put on my face?
DRESSING ROOM
We're shooting in half an hour.
The set is ready.
Check on Cathy to see if she is ready.
My god!
Will Gus make it in time?
Fuck!
I'm more stressed than being in an OR
for my facial surgery. Damn it!
Can I have a shot of liqueur?
A cigarette will do.
I'm losing my shit.
I'm fucking stressed!
Nam, no!
Today, you are Cathry.
You're Cathry, Catriona Kannika Wang.
Remember that.
Take a deep breath.
We must get through today.
That’s right.
We're Thai queers.
No obstacle can stop us.
What?
It's my phone.
Golf, I can’t make it. Something came up.
Goryah.
Untie me right now. I'm going to the set.
How can you do this to me?
This is my career.
I really need to do this.
Cathy woke up this morning
and threw a fit.
I have to stay with her.
Take care of things on the set.
What the hell? I have to go.
Missy, stop flopping around.
Cathy, stop!
Goryah, let me go.
You can’t lie to them.
Are we being cut loose?
What if we get caught?
Kim, what should we do?
You must have faith in queer power--
Fuck your power!
I’m buying a bus ticket to see my man
- in Surat Thani.
- Right.
I have to run.
I have to run. I'll get arrested.
The police will come to arrest me.
- My clothes.
- I’ll skip town.
- My makeup.
- I'll flee to Cambodia.
- My food.
- Cambodia.
- My mangoes.
- They will arrest me.
- Stop!
- I’ll go to block eight.
My makeup.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it, both of you.
Golf.
Pull yourself together for Cathy’s sake.
Right now!
Okay. I’m fine now.
We’re just being hysterical.
So we must relax.
Come on.
Come here.
Let's shake it off.
Let all the stress go.
Shake it off.
Kim, come on.
We must relieve our stress.
Three and four.
Oh, did you bring us coffee?
Put them on the table there.
Wait a second.
- You are Ice Paris.
- You are Ice Paris.
I just wanted to say hi to Cathy.
So I offered to bring you all coffee.
Thank you.
So...
What’s going on here?
Well...
- We were--
- Something is wrong.
It’s not what you think.
- I can explain--
- You're a fake.
If Cathy was a real fan of Pon Chantaphon,
she would know this is how the dance goes.
It's not hard. Keep trying.
Do it right.
I have to get my makeup done.
See you on the set, Cathy.
He has nice hips.
I wonder if he's really a nine by nine.
Excuse me, where is Cathy’s dressing room?
I’m Goryah’s assistant.
You know how superstars are.
She gets anxious
if there's no balloon in her room.
It's that door.
Thank you.
Why is he here?
Mr. Top, welcome.
Hello.
It's great having you oversee the process.
Namsawang.
Shit.
I'm not sure about something.
I want to check it out.
Yes.
That's settled, then.
Goodbye.
Do you have prostate problems?
You take time peeing.
Top, what a coincidence.
You look so stylish
holding balloons while peeing.
Are you setting a new trend?
It's not funny.
So...
Why are you at my company’s shoot?
Hold on.
Let’s start with you.
Goodness.
You look like an executive now.
Well,
I have to take over from my mom.
This is an important project.
I'm overseeing it myself.
I'm sorry about your mom.
Excuse me for asking.
How did she pass away?
I put poison in her congee.
Shit.
I wanted to get back with you.
Holy shit.
I got you.
Top, stop joking.
Tell me.
She died of cancer.
She'd been getting treatment,
but we couldn't save her.
Anyway,
I ran into you three times already.
How crazy.
I miss you.
I really miss you.
- Cathy is ready.
- Cathy is ready.
I’m Chewbacca.
I'm Kimmy.
We are...
- Team Goryah.
- Team Goryah.
Now what?
Kim, where are the balloons?
Win and I are happy together.
I’m glad to see you.
I must get back to work.
Gus won't pick up his phone.
Goodness!
Kim, I’m here.
Nam, take a long deep breath.
Go on.
What are they doing?
- What are they doing?
- I have no idea.
Keep inhaling.
Deep breath.
She's gorgeous.
Damn, bitch. How professional.
- Call me queen.
- Queen.
Rad.
Let’s walk.
You're gorgeous, my Empress.
Keep going.
They are from the agency.
Smile like we practiced.
Hello, Cathy.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Wow. What a cute smile.
Keep walking.
The director is in front of the monitor.
Hi. This is Tong, the director.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello, Tong.
Hello.
I’m Tong,
the director.
I’m happy to work with you,
Miss Crathry.
Likewise, Mr. Tong.
Cathry isn’t feeling well today.
Did she lose her voice?
That’s right.
Cathry has a squirrel voice disease
called Chip and Dale syndrome.
The doctor said
it was a rare disease.
It's okay. I can redub her voice
during the editing.
It's no problem.
Thank you.
Tong.
Can we modify it on a computer?
Are you fucking nuts?
Listen to her.
She sounds like she ate
a bunch of squirrels.
It won’t work.
Got it?
Don't worry.
It's easy-peasy.
Are you ready, motherfuckers?
My balls are blue from waiting.
Get ready to shoot.
We're all set.
If you’re ready, get on the set.
We'll take it easy today.
Will we?
Let’s go, Cathry.
Golf.
Goodness!
What a beautiful yoga pose.
She's meditating before shooting.
This is Cathry,
Catriona Kannika Wang.
Nam, get up.
Yoga is a good way
to show off Cathy’s skills,
but timing is important.
She's ready.
Please fix Cathy’s hair, Gus.
It looks frizzy.
Damn, girl.
Did he come over just to tell you that?
He's such a flirt.
- I understand Top is the client.
- Let's see.
But I saw the way he looks at you.
It's like he misses you.
I see longing in his eyes.
He’s like...
That's what his eyes say.
Stop it, bitch. I'm flustered as it is.
My eye is twitching.
- Twitching?
- Stop.
Everyone, quiet down please.
Let the actors get into character.
Are you ready?
We'll start shooting.
Natty, why are you sending me a clip?
Bye.
Oh, my!
What's that sex noise?
Who the fuck is that?
Turn it off.
Kim, turn it off.
Mute it.
What’s with Natty?
I don't know.
It's probably meant for some dike.
Bitch.
Why is she suddenly horny?
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SEND ME? IT'S GROSS.
Kim, I can’t stop.
I have no choice.
I’m sorry.
You're not coming home with me today.
I'll see you in nine months.
Ready?
Do you see Nam’s eyes?
Why do I have a bad feeling?
Is he moaning?
Cut, please. Cut.
Go handle this. Hurry.
Did you just say "cut"?
Cut it is, then.
Cathry!
I'm so sorry about that.
Let me see.
Your character is prim and proper.
One more mistake
and I swear you'll never see
even the tip of Chef Pom’s grey hair.
Understand?
Good.
Please carry on.
Are you ready?
Camera.
Namsawang.
- Fuck.
- Fuck.
Good.
That was excellent, Cathy.
Is he serious?
If Ice played along more,
it would be perfect.
Okay.
I have goosebumps.
She really is the Empress of the industry.
She can cry on cue or even summon
the wind and rain.
Wind.
What?
I want to do another take.
After they say the tagline,
point the fan at her face.
Blow her hair away from her ears.
Ears?
Bring in the big fan.
The fan is here.
Shit. What should we do?
Fatty, you gave him the idea.
For this take,
you two can start acting after the cue.
Show the product and say the tagline.
What now?
I don’t know.
Namsawang.
Give me wind.
I’ll turn off the fan.
No!
Golf!
Kim.
He tripped.
He tripped over the cord.
Cathy.
Cathy.
Please excuse us.
Goodbye.
Poor you.
He tripped over the wire. Dear Lord.
Poor guy.
That’s it.
That’s a wrap. Go home.
I’m so tired.
Bitch, that was close.
Did anyone see her ears?
Who the hell cares?
Let's rethink our plan later.
Gus, take Kim to the doctor.
No, my car will get stained.
Win will be upset. I’ll call a taxi.
You selfish bitch.
Nam, why are you standing there?
Wipe off the blood and go change.
You heartless fag.
I am. Let's hurry.
Why isn’t my driver answering my call?
Nam, meet me outside
after you get changed.
Okay.
Call me when you're at the hospital.
Don’t act like you give a damn.
Just go before you bleed out.
What is it, Top?
I just wanted to ask
if you have any confessions to make
about Cathy?
No.
Nothing at all.
I know
why you guys are here.
What do you mean?
I don't understand.
Get in if you don’t want any trouble.
Hey, Pao.
Is your studio done shooting?
In a bit.
Chef Pom's show is so meticulous.
I have to get kaffir limes.
They ran out and had to stop filming.
Chef Pom.
Three, two, one.
You’ve been warned.
If you don’t put
grated kaffir lime peel in the sauce,
the marinated pork tenderloin
from your fancy recipe
will turn into a low-class side dish.
HAUTE CUISINE
Chef Pom, repeat the last line for me.
It will turn into a low-class side dish.
Fiercer.
It will turn into a low-class side dish.
We'll take a 30-minute break
for the pork to marinate.
Chef Pom!
Are you Cathy?
I’m so glad to meet you in person.
I really like your dramas.
Your latest work is so hot and intense.
Your acting is a masterpiece.
It's a flavorful performance.
It's just great.
I’m glad to meet you in person as well.
I love your show.
Are you sick?
You don’t sound like yourself.
It is my greatest dream
to be on Chef Pom’s show.
Honestly,
the reason I don’t sound like Cathy
is not because I’m sick.
Actually,
I am...
not Cathy.
My name is Nam.
Nam, a curry vendor from Khlong Lod.
NAM
Look at this.
Miss Cathy.
Here you are.
I’ve been looking all over for you.
Hello, Chef Pom.
We're sorry to disturb you.
Cathy is stressed out about playing twins
in her new drama.
She likes to test out her acting skills.
Poor dear.
I’m Nam from Khlong Lod.
What a great actress.
THIS IS THE REAL ME
I want to file a report.
I’ve been duped by con artists.
Top.
Let’s talk about this.
Don’t drag the police into this.
Jesus.
What?
It was you who gave yourself away.
At first, I wasn’t sure.
But now I know
something is going on.
Hey.
Did you play me?
If I don't do this,
will we be out here together?
Come on.
Get up here.
We haven’t been here for ages.
It’s like nothing has changed.
That’s a stretch.
Everything changes.
But for me,
when I ran into you at the airport,
I felt like nothing changed.
It was a coincidence.
Just let it go.
It was a coincidence at the airport.
But what happened after that
was all planned.
DIARY OF TOOTSIES IS TRAVELING
TO TRIKASEM HOSPITAL
GOUT GOT ME.
DIARY OF TOOTSIES IS TRAVELING
TO SUNSKY STUDIO
I'M SO EXCITED. WISH ME LUCK.
What’s up, Natty?
I just got in.
I’m not going out.
I’ll get in a sauna and go to bed.
I’m tired.
Bye.
SUWIMOL NOPSIRI IS AT MONGKOK, HONG KONG
TRAVELING TO HK WITH MY BABY GIRL
This is bullshit.
Today is D-Day.
- Let me go.
- No.
Let me go, Golf.
I can’t let you tell Chef Pom the truth.
Why can’t I tell her?
You promised me
I would get to be on her show.
Did you bullshit me?
I look like a bullshitter, but I’m not.
If you get on her show
and tell her you're Cathy's look-alike,
the client will be suspicious.
He will just be suspicious.
If you don’t let me be on Chef Pom's show,
I will tell the client now.
Will it kill you to wait
until the commercial airs?
What is it with you and this show?
It's like your obsession with Cathy.
Let me go.
Golf, let me go right now.
No, I won’t.
Last time, I didn’t get to fight for you.
But this time,
I will do anything
to get you back.
That was a long time ago.
I forgot everything already.
If you're really over me,
why are you still using
our matching luggage?
The lighting is nice.
It's been five years since that day.
I want the last memory in this camera
to be you.
There you are.
Did you get stood up by your dike lover?
You ditched us when we needed you.
Well, I'm worried about you.
How are you?
Did the mission fail?
We almost got caught.
We were lucky to get away.
I got this cut as a memento.
Goodness!
Natty.
What’s with you?
It's you.
You lost blood
and here you are in a sauna.
Drink some water,
so you won’t be dehydrated.
Really?
Thanks. I never knew that.
What the hell is happening?
Fuck!
Do you need my help?
No!
What the hell?
Natty, did you see...
The pill is very strong.
The effect is instant.
Does it help if I dress like this?
Is this how you like it?
Natty.
It should turn you on
more than the clip I sent you.
Natty, what are you doing?
That cat has crossed the line.
Today is the last day I’m ovulating.
I must finish you off,
so I can have my own baby.
Natty, what do you want from me?
I’m gay.
Let me go, Golf.
No, I won't.
Hey.
What’s Cathy doing
in the middle of the road?
Cathy?
She's just a look-alike.
Shit! Nam!
Come back!
Stop!
Gus.
Can we get back together?
Natty.
Stop. Let me go.
No!
Natty.
Stop following me.
Nam!
Let me go, Natty.
Natty.
Do you like it, Kim?
Hell no!
I’m hot!
Stop running!
Move.
Watch this.
Shit.
Darling, I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to.
Nam!
Kim.
Are you enjoying this?
Hell no.
I can’t breathe.
Let’s get back.
W
Did Jingjai write that?
Yes.
She tried to spell my name.
That's cute.
Are you tired?
Yes.
It was a hectic day.
It's good Jingjai is staying
with your parents.
We haven’t been alone for a long time.
Yes.
Fuck!
G
How could she do this?
Calm down, Gus. It's not a big deal.
Not a big deal?
It won’t come off.
Jingjai, you little brat.
Gus.
Calm down. It’s just a bag.
Just a bag?
Do you know how much it is?
She has enough space to doodle.
Why my bag?
It's what happens with a kid in the house.
Look at you.
You’re upset over nothing.
If we have kids, won't you die from fury?
Who said I wanted kids?
What about
when you said you liked kids
and Jingjai?
I was faking it.
So all this time,
- did I get it all wrong?
- About what?
I thought you liked kids.
I thought we would have kids one day.
Kim, are you okay?
I’m okay.
Kim, don’t tell my mom.
Where are you, you brat?
Mom!
How could you do something so shameful?
What’s wrong with you?
Are you so horny
you have to do your friend?
It's your fault.
You said you wanted a grandkid.
Do you want the inheritance that badly?
You act like I’m not your kid.
You love Richy more than me.
You can be dumb all you want,
but not about this.
RELATION, DAUGHTER
BENEFICIARY, FAHLADA NOPSIRI
I said that out of love.
I want you to have a kid,
so you have someone
to look after you when you’re old,
unlike me.
I’m all alone.
I only have my cat.
Is that what you think?
Who loves a cat more than their kid?
Mom.
Ma'am.
Don’t be mad at Natty.
I watched Dr. Phil’s show about behavior.
According to psychology,
Natty did this because she’s afraid
you won’t love her.
It's too bad she's a bimbo.
That's why things got out of hand.
Mom, I’m scared.
Phony bitch.
Butt out.
Do you want love?
I want money.
Do you love me or my money?
I love my mom who has money.
And I love my daughter
who will give me a grandkid.
Forget it. It's hopeless.
Just be who you are.
If you're happy,
I'm happy.
Understand?
As for you, Kim.
Stop pointing your thing at me.
What?
What did you take?
I didn't mean to be rude.
Kim!
I’m at the Namsawang office.
Save your questions for later, Goryah.
Hurry here.
Everything must end today.
Keep the change.
Buy yourself cool wipes.
Do you have an appointment?
I’m here to see Top.
I’ve been waiting for you.
You dress and sound just like her,
you snake.
I won't let you see Top.
Help!
- You...
- Help!
...think...
Help!
...you can
run from me?
I won’t let you spill our secret
and tarnish Empress Cathy’s name.
Do you want to fight me?
Come here.
Are you Nam?
No, I’m Taylor Swift.
Shit.
Is she dead?
It was a mistake.
I never thought that
my hunch would be right.
Top, I’m sorry.
For me, it wasn’t so bad.
Miss Cathy
went through worse.
You dumb bitch. You picked today
to forget your sunglasses.
After decades
in the entertainment industry,
the one principle I always live by is,
"I'll never lie to my fans."
I consider myself blessed
to be an actress.
I can’t allow this deception to continue.
Being Catriona Kannika Wang
takes more than fleeting luck.
I've dedicated my soul
and my whole life
to get to this point.
Damn.
There’s the legendary one-eye teardrop.
I'm so lucky I get to see it.
It's a moment worth cherishing.
To be honest, Cathy,
I only had surgery
to look like you for one reason.
My ex likes you.
I’ve never watched your dramas.
But from what I just saw,
I know you’re not just a beautiful face.
You also have a damn beautiful heart.
What an angel.
Well...
Is that a compliment?
What you said
is a good thing, right?
Of course.
You're so good that I feel ashamed
to have your body and your face
and taint your reputation.
Thank you, Nam.
Try starting by not swearing.
Fuck, yes.
Of course.
It's the Olsen twins.
Mary-Kate and Ashley in the flesh.
I talked to Goryah.
Cathy will clear her schedule
to reshoot the commercial.
She will attend the launch party
and promote my products on every platform.
It's my pleasure.
Thank you.
As for you, Golf,
I won’t press charges
if you and Nam help me
by doing what you're good at.
What else do you want from me?
SEE YOU AT THE LAUNCH PARTY TOMORROW
I'M STILL WAITING FOR YOUR ANSWER ABOUT US
I’m going to Jingjai's recital at school.
I’ll eat with my parents later.
I’ll be home late.
The barbecue pork is in the microwave.
G
Gus.
Can we get back together?
I want to thank you all,
especially the customers of Namsawang
who have always supported us.
For this New Year,
we have a present for everyone.
It is our new product,
the Dual Moods lightbulb.
Let’s take a look
at what makes it special.
How beautiful.
The whole country is fooled.
Operation fake it until you make it.
It's rad.
Dual Moods.
Twice as bright.
Dual Moods.
Twice as bright.
She's the one and only.
She's like David Copperfield.
Is that Nam or Cathy?
Namsawang is proud
to present our brand ambassador,
Cathy, Catriona Kannika Wang.
Thank you.
Let's hear it for Mungkorn.
Up next is the performance by Jingjai
from our singing class.
She's here to sing "Chicky Chick."
Let's hear it for her.
Go, honey.
Chicky...
Chicky chick
Chicky...
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
You’re all dancing
like in the music video.
C is for chicken, C is for chirping
About Jingjai,
I’m sorry.
Just forget it.
I was wrong.
No.
It was all my fault.
I assumed you wanted a kid.
I didn’t even ask you if you wanted one.
Now that you know I'm not okay--
I'm okay with not having kids.
I'd rather have you.
I never thought
you would give Jingjai
such a sweet farewell gift.
Who said it was a farewell gift?
It’s a welcome gift
for a new family member.
Hold on.
If it's just us in the house with no kids,
you won’t be happy.
How can I be happy, then?
Are you letting me adopt Jingjai?
God.
I tried to sound cool like in a movie.
Do you mean it this time?
I do.
I thought you weren’t coming.
I already cleared everything up.
That night was nice, Top.
I could imagine
how fancy my life would be
if we got back together.
But?
But that kind of life
isn’t real for me anymore.
If this was five years ago
and I was here with you,
it would be so great.
I would be the happiest gay man alive.
But right now,
it's not what I want.
I know now
what I want in my life.
Why do you think
I can’t give you what Win gives you?
The barbecue pork is in the microwave.
It’s like when I stay at a hotel.
No matter how comfortable it is,
it can't beat the feeling of home.
But if you get bored at home,
you can come stay at the hotel.
Oh, well.
At least this hotel
did its best to promote itself.
I have no regrets.
Let’s move on.
Enough.
Stop it.
We say goodbye here.
I’m already paranoid Win will know.
So,
did you clear everything up?
Yes.
It's settled.
That’s good.
Jingjai.
Give your mom and dad a hug.
Isn't it dad and dad?
She will get confused.
But you can call me Aunty Golf.
- Come on.
- Daddy and Mommy.
Call her Aunty Fatty.
- Aunty Fatty.
- Goodness.
- Don’t teach her that.
- That's right.
Here's the lesson of the day.
One thing we should not do is lie.
In gayspeak, it's called
being fake.
Being truthful not only makes for
a peaceful society,
but also brings good things
to people who stay true.
Natty no longer has to fake it
and repress her lesbian self
just to give her mom a grandkid.
She now has her life sorted out,
for the most part.
Aom, what do you want to eat?
I’ll buy it for you.
How about sacred stones?
The abbot is waiting for you.
Mom!
Why do you guys talk so much?
You talked all night
and you still won't stop talking.
I’m Golf, Scary Pie.
Golf’s devotion to Cathy as her big fan
has made his dream come true
after Cathy mentioned him on a show.
Yes.
He is a makeup artist.
He’s also my fan.
He’s a fan, everyone.
So you must be very upset.
Can I say his name?
Golf.
If you are listening,
you mad cow.
I hope I never see you again in this life.
I can die in peace now.
Kim still has a fake-looking nose,
but the one real thing he has
is his instinct as a steward.
Though the job has caused him
many injuries,
in the end,
the job rewarded him in folds.
Nat!
Luck is still on his side
since no one on the internet knows
about the sauna incident
between Natty and him.
- Kim's heroic act
- Wake up!
Caught the eye
of a well-known airline's CEO.
He was hired to work
as a steward once again.
As for me, I stop pretending to like kids.
I stay true to my heart.
I tolerate them when I can
and admit it when I can't.
Who would have thought
I could come to enjoy it?
Are you throwing it away?
You've had it for ages.
- It goes without saying that
- Yes.
You should only have one love.
Same goes for the only Chanel
with a "G" on it.
G...
- Gay.
- Jingjai.
Don't use that word, sweetie.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Who's being naughty?
- Are you a bad girl?
- No, she's not.
As for Nam or the fake Cathy,
whom people may wonder
how her life turns out,
nobody knew that
as both Cathys joined each other
behind the lightbulb,
a tragic accident happened to Nam.
However, thanks to the Superstar package,
Goryah, and Cathy,
Nam was given a new life with a new face
as a cook on Cathy’s film set.
- I’m hungry.
- One second!
- Where's mine?
- One second!
- Mine too.
- One moment!
One basil fried rice with cowpeas, please.
Cowpeas?
- Fuck your cow--
- Nam!
Is that how your mom makes it?
Sure. It's coming right up.
I’m sorry.
I’m prim, proper,
and polite.
She is Aff Taksaorn.
I’m just an airhead.
Here's some heavenly curry!
Subtitle translation by Joey Vajrabukka
- Nak is a ghost!
Pee Mak.
Help!
Pee Mak.
Pee Mak.
My fellows, how shall we proceed?
We must flee by river.
I concur with thee.
Bitches.
What the hell are you saying?
We’re gay. Why do you talk
like Shakespeare?
Right.
You’re the worst of them, Natty.
The others stuck to only Pee Mak.
You dragged them into Love Destiny.
That's right, nosy Natty.
You nosy bitch.
Nosy bitch.
Pee Mak.
Here she comes.
Let's paddle to see the Venerable Wisit.
Go! Just go!
Keep paddling!
Don't stop!
Why are we moving so slow?
Natty, stop dragging your feet.
You lazy lezzie.
Goodness! The boat is leaking!
What should we do?
Let's throw out useless stuff.
- Golf!
- Golf!
Natty is the queen of uselessness.
- Good job.
- Good job.
Let’s go.
Why is the boat stuck?
Don’t tell me that...
You jerks left me.
- Natty, a ghost!
- Natty, a ghost!
- What?
- A ghost!
- A toast?
- A ghost!
I'm not giving a toast.
- Jesus! It's Nak the ghost.
- Jesus! It's Nak the ghost.
Gus.
Help me raise our kid.
No, I hate kids!
Did you have a nightmare?
Did you see numbers?
I'll have my mom buy lotto tickets.
Well...
Gus, what's wrong?
Why are you making that face?
I am...
scared of your new nose.
Are you a house elf?
I'll put a curse on you.
Show my nose job some respect.
Fine. You look great.
But first things first,
tell Fatty to stop moping and eat.
Fatty, eat something.
Stop crying. Enough already.
Bitch.
Stop being dramatic.
We didn’t come to Surat Thani to get you
so you can act this way.
- Dear passengers,
- Put seat belts on.
- We are currently experiencing turbulence.
- Please put your seat belts on.
Please return to your seats,
fasten your seat belts,
and refrain from using the lavatory.
Oh, no.
Do you have cramps, Natty?
No, I need to take a dump.
Natty.
Hold it.
I’m too traumatized already.
You can’t lose your shit
inside another vehicle.
I'm begging you.
Are you feeling better?
Are you kidding me?
I can barely hold it in.
Natty, don't think about it.
Let it go like Elsa in Frozen.
Guys, look.
Is it time for the big finale?
If I don’t go now,
it will be a huge one.
You can't go, ma'am.
You must remain seated.
I must take a dump.
- No!
- You can't!
You can’t. We're hitting an air pocket.
You'll break your neck.
Remember?
Stay seated.
How fabulous.
Experience has made
your butthole stronger.
What are you doing?
I have to shit.
It’s coming out.
Natty, don't disrespect Thai airspace.
Natty, please. I just had my heart broken.
Stop, you bitch!
Natty!
Kim, take her away.
Natty, you can’t shit here!
I can’t hold it anymore!
- Oh, no!
- Kim!
My nose!
POOPY AND THE FAKE
The shit explosion
on the plane was nothing
compared to the lives of us
three gays and one lesbian
who have been friends for over ten years.
Our lives suddenly hit a rocky patch
and spiraled out of control.
First is Golf, an elephant incarnate,
who didn't shave his head
to be ordained for his parents.
I won't leave.
If Wisit remains ordained,
I’ll stay to take care of him forever.
Come home.
It's been a month.
You're shunned
by the makeup artist community.
Venerable Wisit, I’m right here.
Let him go, Fatty.
He’s a monk. You can't be together.
Can't we?
Fine!
I'll become a monk.
Fatty, calm down!
Is the heat driving you mad?
- Fatty!
- Fatty!
Fatty, you can’t be a monk.
Everyone knows you’re gay.
- You're gay.
- You're gay.
- You're gay.
- You're gay.
- You're gay.
- You're gay.
You're gay.
I don’t care.
Gross. You're sweating.
Let me go!
Let me go!
- Shit.
- Shit.
Fatty.
It’s all right. It will grow back.
You look fine.
With an unwavering heart,
Golf had to go back to Bangkok
with a bold buzz cut.
I’ll take you to get hair extensions.
As for Natty,
the lesbian of our group
whom we call Nasty Natty...
Please sign your name as the beneficiary.
Twenty-two million baht!
Her life changed suddenly
when her mom won the first-prize lottery.
I have something to give
to someone special to me.
Unfortunately,
her luck came up short.
And that is
Richy.
RICHY
He's the stray cat I adopted.
Mom!
This is like Game of Thrones.
Richy never leaves my side.
He brings me luck
by pointing out the first prize numbers.
Today, I want everyone
to celebrate with me.
So you all know
who it is that's most important to me.
Richy.
- You’re dead!
- Stop.
This is a very important document.
LIFE INSURANCE
SUM ASSURED
22,000,000 BAHT
SUWIMOL NOPSIRI
Never mind.
At least you named me as the beneficiary,
your one and only heiress.
I’m giving it to Richy.
Mom.
Why do you choose a cat over me?
Mom!
Quiet, Natty.
If you want the money, give me a grandkid
to reassure me
I'll be taken care of when I’m old.
Tough luck for you
since you dig dikes.
It's an evil cat and a sassy lesbian.
Natty must find a man
in order to get the inheritance.
As for Kim,
a flight attendant who is queer enough
to be a stewardess,
he’s in danger of losing his job
due to the shit incident on the plane.
The bleeding stopped.
His nose was hit hard.
Luckily, it’s all silicone.
Jesus. That's too much information.
Kim who loves his career
with all his heart
fights foot and nail for it.
It was an emergency.
I really tried my best
to handle the situation.
My love and loyalty for this profession
are beyond what you can imagine.
If the sky could feel my passion,
it would shed tears with pride
- for my--
- Kim.
I made a decision
- to let you go--
- Go?
Are you letting me go?
It's just a trivial matter.
This is nothing
compared to my sex with a pilot
in the cockpit.
I wasn't going to fire you.
I want you to take a leave
to get your nose fixed.
It's like you have a stalactite
coming out of your nose.
But as I'm made aware
of such obscene incident...
After losing his temper,
Kim lost his job and became a fallen angel
like a sanitary pad with no wings.
How will I make a living?
As for Gus, who's known
among the page followers as
Sha, the blogger of Diary of Tootsies.
That's me, the proud star of this movie.
I'm facing problems
in all aspects of life.
Let’s start with a guy problem.
This is mine.
Sorry.
Goodbye.
I met Top, my ex,
looking like I swam through nuclear waste.
It was right before Win,
my current boyfriend,
welcomed me with heart-wrenching words.
Did you fall into a shit tank?
The real issue is the kid.
You bet the kid isn't mine.
She is Chicky Chick's kid.
Chicky chick
Chick chick chirping
You guys aren’t dancing with me.
- Chicky chick
- Let’s dance, girls.
- Let's dance.
- Come on.
Jingjai is from northeastern Thailand.
She’s obsessed with
the "Chicky Chick" song
and she sings it all day long.
Goodness, sweetie.
When she's in the mood,
she speaks in northeastern dialect.
That's a lousy dance.
She's the kid of Win’s relative.
Her parents died in a car accident,
so Win's family took her in.
Why is she living here?
Because I love kids.
You're so fake.
- You liar.
- You're the one to talk.
You call yourself Lisa Blackpink.
You're obviously RuPaul.
Goodness.
Is our Lisa sick?
Just keep dancing.
I’m back.
Jingjai.
I bought you a toy medical kit.
Let's go play.
Jingjai isn't interested.
She wants to dance.
Doctor?
I want to play doctor.
Let’s go.
- Let's go!
- That’s how she became
Win’s new sweetheart.
That brat Jingjai.
She's a sweet kid.
You're the phony one.
You're so fake.
That’s not all.
The story of us four Tootsies
got even worse.
The gods sent the ultimate diva
to add to our crazy mess.
That's fabulous.
Fantastic.
What a queen.
You're rocking this.
Perfect.
God have mercy.
She really is the Empress
of the entertainment industry.
She's nothing special in person.
She looked prettier in her pictures
at the Cannes Festival.
I’ll slap your mouth.
Don’t disrespect my Queen of Cannes.
Cathy is the number one queen in my heart.
Isn't it a bit much?
I’ll do anything to have Cathy
tag me in her photos
or say my name on a talk show.
Sure.
But right now,
come back to the real world
and finish Claudia’s makeup.
My face is moisturized
down to the fat layer now.
I’ll take it off. I'm sorry.
Sunscreen, please.
This is a primer.
It's the white bottle.
Focus.
Do you want money?
Go easy on me. I’m your friend.
I can’t. I have to act professional.
I hired you to help me today,
so we look like a professional team.
Cathy might notice me
and hire me to do her makeup.
Right?
That's gross, Golf.
What a professional.
I'm not wasting good stuff.
Hi.
How is our Star Avenue girls' makeup
- coming along?
- Almost done.
Look at her.
She's got a Hollyhua-level artist
to do her makeup.
More like holy shit.
Even if it’s holy crap, I don’t mind.
Just make my girl look gorgeous.
Our Star Avenue calendar
for this year must blow
Nadao's calendar out of the water.
Just have Cathy do yoga poses
for the calendar.
SALUTE TO OUR YOGA QUEEN!
Her fans will buy all of them.
- It's Cathry.
- "Cathry"?
Cathry. Say it right.
Cathry.
- Cathry.
- "Cathry."
- Cathry.
- "Cathry." All right.
It's "Cathry."
Cathry.
Catriona Kannika Wang.
Okay.
Cathry, go get changed.
I’ll go smoke a fag.
See you.
You have good techniques.
You poked my eye.
So professional.
You complimented me. I was nervous.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb you.
Not at all. You didn’t disturb me.
I’m a no-name artist.
You complimented me.
I never thought I’d be so lucky.
I judge people on their work.
It’s the way I am.
You’re so real.
You are the Empress
both on and off screen.
Can I hug you?
Of course.
You smell so nice.
You're really sweaty.
I’m chubby and nervous.
I loved you in Golden Orange Flower.
I remember all your lines.
“I love you, Daddy.”
I watched every episode of The Fiery Sand.
“I will take back everything that's mine.”
I got one more.
“Take a right to Saraburi
and you're good to go."
I loved you in Autumn-Winter Folk Song.
So fabulous.
Thank you.
I have to go change.
Okay.
Cathy!
No!
My nose!
Goryah!
Goryah!
As the manager of Cathry,
Catriona Kannika Wang,
I have to apologize again.
But I still insist
that the agency talk to the client
to postpone the shoot for two weeks.
The client won’t agree.
You already rescheduled once.
They had to pay
a huge sum of cancellation fees.
I understand what you're saying.
I’m asking just in case
she can’t make it to the shoot that day.
Worst case is
we need to tell the client
to change the model.
What's worse is
if the client sues the agency,
we’ll have to sue you and Cathy
for damages.
Goodbye.
This is all your fault, you dumbasses.
You fucked up my life and Cathy’s.
- It's Cathry--
- Shut up!
Kim.
I’m sorry.
If I could take Cathy's place--
I mean Cathry's place,
I would've done it.
She was so nice to me
and this happened to her.
It’s my damn sweat!
You’re fat. I understand.
Get checked for diabetes
and fatty liver disease.
But you.
Who did your nose?
Why is it so hard
it can break a person’s neck?
Tell me.
It's Dr. Kamala.
That's Cathry's surgeon.
Did she get her nose done?
It was for her foot corns.
What a letdown.
It’s me who was let down!
Mark my words.
If the agency sues me for damages,
I will sue you two
for causing Cathry to end up like this.
Can you give us a guesstimate
of how much it is?
At least 50 million.
Fifty million, you motherfucker!
Fifty million!
How long must I work to pay off that debt?
It’s the third time
I had to get my nose fixed today.
I look like the Terminator.
Kim.
If Kim Kardashian can pull through,
so can you.
This is a new surgeon at a new hospital.
It won’t be a mess like before.
I’m afraid it will be.
Mr. Pipat Saekim.
They called you.
Your next appointment is on the eighth.
Okay.
You look familiar.
This is Lyla, Luca, and Louella.
LOUELLA, LUCA, LYLA
- Paula!
- Paula!
- Are you a new patient?
- Yes.
You may not know
about our Superstar package.
"Look like a star
with our Superstar package."
Open it.
This package
can make you look identical to any stars.
And of course, I chose to be
Paula, the promoter of collagen.
You look just like her.
Has anyone chosen
to be Cathry, Catriona Kannika Wang?
- Cathy?
- Yes.
She's very popular now.
We did one this morning.
I’ll check.
Kim, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
We completed the surgery
of three patients.
- Three?
- Three?
Can we have their names?
DRIVE THRU FOR TAX
Documents, please.
She looks just like her.
We got this.
She’s the one.
Documents, please.
Miss Aye will get you
so bewitched you can't find your way home.
Aren't her brows too thick?
They look like leeches.
We can wax them.
I think she will do.
Trust me.
What number do you want?
I want triple eight.
Triple eight, you have customers.
She's perfect.
NAM'S HOT CURRY
BEST CURRY IN TOWN
She's our last hope.
I have a clip of her old face.
Are you cooking
with your hands or your feet?
You hobos should learn the difference
between the taste of food and feet.
Eat it if you can. If not, just dump it.
What’s taking so long? We want it today.
You took forever to order
and you want me to hurry.
Why didn’t you come yesterday, asshole?
Bite me.
Are you in a rush to die?
Assholes.
The surgeon did a great job.
It's too bad he could only fix her face,
not her manners.
Ma'am, I'll have a heavenly curry.
NAM'S HOT CURRY'S MENU
HEAVENLY CURRY, AN ORGY SPECIAL
You low life. You’re not worthy.
Hey, darling.
Come in for a taste.
A cute guy like you
gets a working girl like me so hot.
Goodness.
Where are you going? Come here.
The sign may say curry for sale,
but if you turn me on,
I'll let you eat for free.
She's a true streetwalker
of the street food district.
What a slut.
Let’s go.
What the hell?
May you rest in peace.
Cathy, don’t look at me.
Stop staring.
I only took your pay from that one job.
Maybe two.
Five.
That’s all.
Seven.
Goryah.
This is our solution
to help you and Cathry.
What is this?
This is Nam.
She’s a curry fried rice vendor.
She had plastic surgery
to look like Cathy.
Goodness.
Cathry doesn’t have a fang.
It gets worse.
My Lord.
Hello, Dumbo.
Hair styling techniques can cover them up.
Are you sure?
A substitute is better than a subpoena.
Think of when you are served.
You will be too.
Jesus.
That's why we have to do this.
What do you want in return?
Do you want a sports car?
A fancy home downtown?
How about twins of your own?
A seat in the new parliament?
Tell me what you want.
It is my greatest dream.
If I tell you, don’t be shocked.
I want to be on Chef Pom’s show.
What?
- I want to be on Chef Pom’s show.
- What?
I want to be on Chef Pom’s show.
Why is it...
Is that it?
As you wish.
Tune in for Heaven’s Kitchen
every Saturday at noon on Channel four.
You’ve been warned.
The first contestant
to answer the question
from our judges is...
contestant number three,
Gus Teetawit Setthongchai.
Please pick an envelope.
This is the question from Mr. Win.
If you become the new Prime Minister,
what will you do for our children?
For our children,
I think
we must get rid of them.
I’ll build a jail on an island
and throw all the kids in there
until they turn 18
and set them free.
This is because?
I hate kids.
I hate kids!
Bitch! Stop! That's enough!
You little chicken shit!
Oh, god.
G.
G.
Look. Do it like this.
- G.
- G.
Does "G" stand for "Gus"?
Right?
Do you want to try again?
Let's do it.
- G...
- G...
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick chirping
Keep practicing, Jingjai.
Also, try singing some other songs.
No.
I’m going to sing...
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick
GOUT GOT ME
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chick
Gus.
I hope you get caught.
Be happy and healthy.
Bye, Gus.
Bye.
We tried every position, Doctor.
I can't get her knocked up.
That's right.
Even the helicopter position didn't work.
It’s all right.
We like alternative schools.
- English classes.
- Tutoring classes.
- Chinese.
- Rock climbing and hunting.
We’ll be cool parents
with trilingual kids.
If there's nothing else to discuss,
can we do a GIFT procedure?
You've got makeup on your collar.
Thanks.
Having kids isn’t a joke.
- Yes.
- Don't be reckless.
Think of their future.
I’m sorry.
You're a lousy actor.
I’m going to lose the inheritance.
Why don’t you adopt Jingjai?
Problems solved.
No.
My mom wants a child from my womb.
How fussy.
Ms. Nopsiri, please make the payment
at window three.
Two thousand baht.
Okay.
Mr. Sawangreungpaisarn,
pick up your medications at window nine.
Sawangreungpaisarn...
- Thank you.
- Top!
Holy shit.
What kind of crappy day is this?
Do you think he saw me?
No.
I did.
Hey, Top. Are you sick?
I brought my wife to get prenatal care.
- Wait.
- What?
I'm kidding.
I’m picking up my monthly medications.
I can’t sleep.
It’s my mom.
Is she okay?
My mom is dead.
- What?
- Fuck.
Hello.
I found a piece of land
by the ocean in Surat Thani.
It’s beautiful.
Oh, is it already my property?
I forgot.
Goodness. He's a catch.
He's handsome and rich.
He seems much more mature.
Plus, his mom who hated you is dead.
Everything is falling into place.
This must be destiny.
Destiny, my ass.
I’m with Win now.
He can be my destiny.
I’ll ask for his sperm to make my baby.
You bimbo.
Do you think he will agree?
Goodness.
Thai education is shit
because people like you drag it down.
Let’s go.
Why are you so harsh?
Get used to it.
All right. Before we begin coaching,
in order to improve our class,
may the acting coach goddess
possess my body.
Hello, everyone.
- I am...
- Stop it, Fatty.
Are you an acting coach?
You're more like a couch.
All right.
Can Miss Cathry come out here
to start her training?
Hello, everyone.
I'm Cathy in the flesh.
Wow. What a great impersonation.
Even if the audience is miles away,
they can tell you’re a fake.
You're a fake.
Try again.
Hello, everyone.
Are you tired?
I bought snacks for you.
Two kilos of Manila Tamarind.
You're an obvious bumpkin.
Do mind your purse.
Do it again.
What's up?
I'm Nam from Khlong Lod.
I’m tired. I'm discouraged. I'm starving.
Let's take a break, bitches.
It’s expensive.
Goryah lent it to us.
We can't let her talk.
Let her talk only when it's necessary.
When I look at her,
I still don't see a superstar.
She's a stone in the rough.
What now? Should we give up?
Are you crazy?
What if they sue us for 50 million?
I don't mind getting sued.
I'm worried about my pride as her fan.
If I leave Cathry right here,
it will haunt me all my life.
How can I watch her dramas
without feeling guilty?
We can't give up now.
There is a lot of work to do.
We're going to turn Nam into Cathry today.
Change her clothes. Do her makeup.
Get her into character.
This is the real me.
Lesson one, smile like Cathy.
Nam, begin.
Why does her smile look so sad?
I told you to smile like Cathy,
not Chucky.
Smile like a lady.
Hey!
Fuck you.
We want to see a superstar,
not a street peddler on meth.
Hide your fang.
People will know you're a fake.
Give me a smile
that makes men divorce their wives.
Excuse me.
Is it the Botox?
I think it’s cute.
It's a yes from me.
Natty, no.
Keep your opinion to yourself.
You just teach her yoga.
This lesson is the most important.
It’s about acting.
This is Cathry's drama
with skyrocketing ratings.
It's Prisoner of Love.
Let me go.
Well?
Will you behave now, Araya?
Let go of me, Visarut.
No. Come here.
Come here.
I’m giving you one last chance.
Apologize to me.
Good, Kim. That’s good.
I won't apologize.
I did nothing wrong.
I spoke my mind.
Why did you help me?
Why didn’t you let me die?
Nam.
Are you playing a rock?
Even Kim's nose is less stiff.
Didn't I tell you?
Death
is too easy for you.
You
must stay with me and suffer
for a very long time.
Nam, fight back.
Fight back.
Play off each other.
Let your emotions out.
Feel it from within.
That's not true.
You helped me because you were scared
to watch me die.
You’re an animal.
You're all talk,
but you'll never hurt me for real.
Fine.
You asked for it, Araya.
Stop, you monster.
You asked for this.
I will make you mine.
No.
No, you savage. Let me go.
The legendary one-eye teardrop.
That was amazing.
I rocked that performance.
You were so into it.
I was about to unhook my bra.
Me too.
What’s with you, Natty?
Trying on a dress is a piece of cake.
Just don’t speak.
No matter what, don’t talk.
Don’t make a sound.
Sit properly.
Sit up straight.
Like that.
Goryah said you have a sore throat.
Is it really bad?
Yes.
Take some pills and get lots of rest.
Let’s try on the dress
the client picked out.
Sa, dear.
Go try on your dress.
You don’t need to go with her.
Cathy wears
this kind of dress all the time.
She can manage.
Are they your new assistants, Goryah?
Yes, I’m quite busy.
I can’t handle it.
They're covering the details,
so we don’t miss anything.
Got it.
But no worries.
A backless dress is easy to wear.
- Yes.
- She's confident with wearing
this kind of dress.
Just wait and see.
A DANGER TO NATIONAL SECURITY
A backless dress is for showing your back.
Your breasts must be covered.
They're not for show.
You sure like to joke around.
I’ll pin in the waste of your dress a bit.
I’m sorry. That was clumsy.
My poor darling.
Not even a whimper.
You really are
the Empress of the industry.
All done.
Can I see the underarms?
Hey!
Perfect.
It's just the camera and lighting crew.
It's good we're here before the client.
We can sneak in first.
Yes.
I want something sour
or I’m going to puke.
- Are you nervous?
- Are you?
That’s one reason,
but the main reason is
the sight of your damn cleavage.
Come on.
This is the design by Pok Love Me London.
She is a prominent makeup artist.
Hello, I’m Golf,
Love Me Temple of Dawn.
- Kim, what will we do about Nam's voice?
- What?
Don't worry.
I asked Gus to handle it last night.
I’m trying to get there.
I prepared the balloons last night.
When I woke up,
that brat Jingjai tied them to her salon.
She screamed when I tried
to get them back.
A little bit more.
Okay.
Kim, I have to go. I have an idea.
Goodness!
What is this?
How come my hairdo
isn't fabulous like his?
What’s the fuss?
Calm down, ma'am.
I’ll handle it.
Jesus Christ.
Why is this happening?
Damn!
Damn zit.
Jingjai, you little brat.
What did you put on my face?
DRESSING ROOM
We're shooting in half an hour.
The set is ready.
Check on Cathy to see if she is ready.
My god!
Will Gus make it in time?
Fuck!
I'm more stressed than being in an OR
for my facial surgery. Damn it!
Can I have a shot of liqueur?
A cigarette will do.
I'm losing my shit.
I'm fucking stressed!
Nam, no!
Today, you are Cathry.
You're Cathry, Catriona Kannika Wang.
Remember that.
Take a deep breath.
We must get through today.
That’s right.
We're Thai queers.
No obstacle can stop us.
What?
It's my phone.
Golf, I can’t make it. Something came up.
Goryah.
Untie me right now. I'm going to the set.
How can you do this to me?
This is my career.
I really need to do this.
Cathy woke up this morning
and threw a fit.
I have to stay with her.
Take care of things on the set.
What the hell? I have to go.
Missy, stop flopping around.
Cathy, stop!
Goryah, let me go.
You can’t lie to them.
Are we being cut loose?
What if we get caught?
Kim, what should we do?
You must have faith in queer power--
Fuck your power!
I’m buying a bus ticket to see my man
- in Surat Thani.
- Right.
I have to run.
I have to run. I'll get arrested.
The police will come to arrest me.
- My clothes.
- I’ll skip town.
- My makeup.
- I'll flee to Cambodia.
- My food.
- Cambodia.
- My mangoes.
- They will arrest me.
- Stop!
- I’ll go to block eight.
My makeup.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it, both of you.
Golf.
Pull yourself together for Cathy’s sake.
Right now!
Okay. I’m fine now.
We’re just being hysterical.
So we must relax.
Come on.
Come here.
Let's shake it off.
Let all the stress go.
Shake it off.
Kim, come on.
We must relieve our stress.
Three and four.
Oh, did you bring us coffee?
Put them on the table there.
Wait a second.
- You are Ice Paris.
- You are Ice Paris.
I just wanted to say hi to Cathy.
So I offered to bring you all coffee.
Thank you.
So...
What’s going on here?
Well...
- We were--
- Something is wrong.
It’s not what you think.
- I can explain--
- You're a fake.
If Cathy was a real fan of Pon Chantaphon,
she would know this is how the dance goes.
It's not hard. Keep trying.
Do it right.
I have to get my makeup done.
See you on the set, Cathy.
He has nice hips.
I wonder if he's really a nine by nine.
Excuse me, where is Cathy’s dressing room?
I’m Goryah’s assistant.
You know how superstars are.
She gets anxious
if there's no balloon in her room.
It's that door.
Thank you.
Why is he here?
Mr. Top, welcome.
Hello.
It's great having you oversee the process.
Namsawang.
Shit.
I'm not sure about something.
I want to check it out.
Yes.
That's settled, then.
Goodbye.
Do you have prostate problems?
You take time peeing.
Top, what a coincidence.
You look so stylish
holding balloons while peeing.
Are you setting a new trend?
It's not funny.
So...
Why are you at my company’s shoot?
Hold on.
Let’s start with you.
Goodness.
You look like an executive now.
Well,
I have to take over from my mom.
This is an important project.
I'm overseeing it myself.
I'm sorry about your mom.
Excuse me for asking.
How did she pass away?
I put poison in her congee.
Shit.
I wanted to get back with you.
Holy shit.
I got you.
Top, stop joking.
Tell me.
She died of cancer.
She'd been getting treatment,
but we couldn't save her.
Anyway,
I ran into you three times already.
How crazy.
I miss you.
I really miss you.
- Cathy is ready.
- Cathy is ready.
I’m Chewbacca.
I'm Kimmy.
We are...
- Team Goryah.
- Team Goryah.
Now what?
Kim, where are the balloons?
Win and I are happy together.
I’m glad to see you.
I must get back to work.
Gus won't pick up his phone.
Goodness!
Kim, I’m here.
Nam, take a long deep breath.
Go on.
What are they doing?
- What are they doing?
- I have no idea.
Keep inhaling.
Deep breath.
She's gorgeous.
Damn, bitch. How professional.
- Call me queen.
- Queen.
Rad.
Let’s walk.
You're gorgeous, my Empress.
Keep going.
They are from the agency.
Smile like we practiced.
Hello, Cathy.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Wow. What a cute smile.
Keep walking.
The director is in front of the monitor.
Hi. This is Tong, the director.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello, Tong.
Hello.
I’m Tong,
the director.
I’m happy to work with you,
Miss Crathry.
Likewise, Mr. Tong.
Cathry isn’t feeling well today.
Did she lose her voice?
That’s right.
Cathry has a squirrel voice disease
called Chip and Dale syndrome.
The doctor said
it was a rare disease.
It's okay. I can redub her voice
during the editing.
It's no problem.
Thank you.
Tong.
Can we modify it on a computer?
Are you fucking nuts?
Listen to her.
She sounds like she ate
a bunch of squirrels.
It won’t work.
Got it?
Don't worry.
It's easy-peasy.
Are you ready, motherfuckers?
My balls are blue from waiting.
Get ready to shoot.
We're all set.
If you’re ready, get on the set.
We'll take it easy today.
Will we?
Let’s go, Cathry.
Golf.
Goodness!
What a beautiful yoga pose.
She's meditating before shooting.
This is Cathry,
Catriona Kannika Wang.
Nam, get up.
Yoga is a good way
to show off Cathy’s skills,
but timing is important.
She's ready.
Please fix Cathy’s hair, Gus.
It looks frizzy.
Damn, girl.
Did he come over just to tell you that?
He's such a flirt.
- I understand Top is the client.
- Let's see.
But I saw the way he looks at you.
It's like he misses you.
I see longing in his eyes.
He’s like...
That's what his eyes say.
Stop it, bitch. I'm flustered as it is.
My eye is twitching.
- Twitching?
- Stop.
Everyone, quiet down please.
Let the actors get into character.
Are you ready?
We'll start shooting.
Natty, why are you sending me a clip?
Bye.
Oh, my!
What's that sex noise?
Who the fuck is that?
Turn it off.
Kim, turn it off.
Mute it.
What’s with Natty?
I don't know.
It's probably meant for some dike.
Bitch.
Why is she suddenly horny?
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SEND ME? IT'S GROSS.
Kim, I can’t stop.
I have no choice.
I’m sorry.
You're not coming home with me today.
I'll see you in nine months.
Ready?
Do you see Nam’s eyes?
Why do I have a bad feeling?
Is he moaning?
Cut, please. Cut.
Go handle this. Hurry.
Did you just say "cut"?
Cut it is, then.
Cathry!
I'm so sorry about that.
Let me see.
Your character is prim and proper.
One more mistake
and I swear you'll never see
even the tip of Chef Pom’s grey hair.
Understand?
Good.
Please carry on.
Are you ready?
Camera.
Namsawang.
- Fuck.
- Fuck.
Good.
That was excellent, Cathy.
Is he serious?
If Ice played along more,
it would be perfect.
Okay.
I have goosebumps.
She really is the Empress of the industry.
She can cry on cue or even summon
the wind and rain.
Wind.
What?
I want to do another take.
After they say the tagline,
point the fan at her face.
Blow her hair away from her ears.
Ears?
Bring in the big fan.
The fan is here.
Shit. What should we do?
Fatty, you gave him the idea.
For this take,
you two can start acting after the cue.
Show the product and say the tagline.
What now?
I don’t know.
Namsawang.
Give me wind.
I’ll turn off the fan.
No!
Golf!
Kim.
He tripped.
He tripped over the cord.
Cathy.
Cathy.
Please excuse us.
Goodbye.
Poor you.
He tripped over the wire. Dear Lord.
Poor guy.
That’s it.
That’s a wrap. Go home.
I’m so tired.
Bitch, that was close.
Did anyone see her ears?
Who the hell cares?
Let's rethink our plan later.
Gus, take Kim to the doctor.
No, my car will get stained.
Win will be upset. I’ll call a taxi.
You selfish bitch.
Nam, why are you standing there?
Wipe off the blood and go change.
You heartless fag.
I am. Let's hurry.
Why isn’t my driver answering my call?
Nam, meet me outside
after you get changed.
Okay.
Call me when you're at the hospital.
Don’t act like you give a damn.
Just go before you bleed out.
What is it, Top?
I just wanted to ask
if you have any confessions to make
about Cathy?
No.
Nothing at all.
I know
why you guys are here.
What do you mean?
I don't understand.
Get in if you don’t want any trouble.
Hey, Pao.
Is your studio done shooting?
In a bit.
Chef Pom's show is so meticulous.
I have to get kaffir limes.
They ran out and had to stop filming.
Chef Pom.
Three, two, one.
You’ve been warned.
If you don’t put
grated kaffir lime peel in the sauce,
the marinated pork tenderloin
from your fancy recipe
will turn into a low-class side dish.
HAUTE CUISINE
Chef Pom, repeat the last line for me.
It will turn into a low-class side dish.
Fiercer.
It will turn into a low-class side dish.
We'll take a 30-minute break
for the pork to marinate.
Chef Pom!
Are you Cathy?
I’m so glad to meet you in person.
I really like your dramas.
Your latest work is so hot and intense.
Your acting is a masterpiece.
It's a flavorful performance.
It's just great.
I’m glad to meet you in person as well.
I love your show.
Are you sick?
You don’t sound like yourself.
It is my greatest dream
to be on Chef Pom’s show.
Honestly,
the reason I don’t sound like Cathy
is not because I’m sick.
Actually,
I am...
not Cathy.
My name is Nam.
Nam, a curry vendor from Khlong Lod.
NAM
Look at this.
Miss Cathy.
Here you are.
I’ve been looking all over for you.
Hello, Chef Pom.
We're sorry to disturb you.
Cathy is stressed out about playing twins
in her new drama.
She likes to test out her acting skills.
Poor dear.
I’m Nam from Khlong Lod.
What a great actress.
THIS IS THE REAL ME
I want to file a report.
I’ve been duped by con artists.
Top.
Let’s talk about this.
Don’t drag the police into this.
Jesus.
What?
It was you who gave yourself away.
At first, I wasn’t sure.
But now I know
something is going on.
Hey.
Did you play me?
If I don't do this,
will we be out here together?
Come on.
Get up here.
We haven’t been here for ages.
It’s like nothing has changed.
That’s a stretch.
Everything changes.
But for me,
when I ran into you at the airport,
I felt like nothing changed.
It was a coincidence.
Just let it go.
It was a coincidence at the airport.
But what happened after that
was all planned.
DIARY OF TOOTSIES IS TRAVELING
TO TRIKASEM HOSPITAL
GOUT GOT ME.
DIARY OF TOOTSIES IS TRAVELING
TO SUNSKY STUDIO
I'M SO EXCITED. WISH ME LUCK.
What’s up, Natty?
I just got in.
I’m not going out.
I’ll get in a sauna and go to bed.
I’m tired.
Bye.
SUWIMOL NOPSIRI IS AT MONGKOK, HONG KONG
TRAVELING TO HK WITH MY BABY GIRL
This is bullshit.
Today is D-Day.
- Let me go.
- No.
Let me go, Golf.
I can’t let you tell Chef Pom the truth.
Why can’t I tell her?
You promised me
I would get to be on her show.
Did you bullshit me?
I look like a bullshitter, but I’m not.
If you get on her show
and tell her you're Cathy's look-alike,
the client will be suspicious.
He will just be suspicious.
If you don’t let me be on Chef Pom's show,
I will tell the client now.
Will it kill you to wait
until the commercial airs?
What is it with you and this show?
It's like your obsession with Cathy.
Let me go.
Golf, let me go right now.
No, I won’t.
Last time, I didn’t get to fight for you.
But this time,
I will do anything
to get you back.
That was a long time ago.
I forgot everything already.
If you're really over me,
why are you still using
our matching luggage?
The lighting is nice.
It's been five years since that day.
I want the last memory in this camera
to be you.
There you are.
Did you get stood up by your dike lover?
You ditched us when we needed you.
Well, I'm worried about you.
How are you?
Did the mission fail?
We almost got caught.
We were lucky to get away.
I got this cut as a memento.
Goodness!
Natty.
What’s with you?
It's you.
You lost blood
and here you are in a sauna.
Drink some water,
so you won’t be dehydrated.
Really?
Thanks. I never knew that.
What the hell is happening?
Fuck!
Do you need my help?
No!
What the hell?
Natty, did you see...
The pill is very strong.
The effect is instant.
Does it help if I dress like this?
Is this how you like it?
Natty.
It should turn you on
more than the clip I sent you.
Natty, what are you doing?
That cat has crossed the line.
Today is the last day I’m ovulating.
I must finish you off,
so I can have my own baby.
Natty, what do you want from me?
I’m gay.
Let me go, Golf.
No, I won't.
Hey.
What’s Cathy doing
in the middle of the road?
Cathy?
She's just a look-alike.
Shit! Nam!
Come back!
Stop!
Gus.
Can we get back together?
Natty.
Stop. Let me go.
No!
Natty.
Stop following me.
Nam!
Let me go, Natty.
Natty.
Do you like it, Kim?
Hell no!
I’m hot!
Stop running!
Move.
Watch this.
Shit.
Darling, I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to.
Nam!
Kim.
Are you enjoying this?
Hell no.
I can’t breathe.
Let’s get back.
W
Did Jingjai write that?
Yes.
She tried to spell my name.
That's cute.
Are you tired?
Yes.
It was a hectic day.
It's good Jingjai is staying
with your parents.
We haven’t been alone for a long time.
Yes.
Fuck!
G
How could she do this?
Calm down, Gus. It's not a big deal.
Not a big deal?
It won’t come off.
Jingjai, you little brat.
Gus.
Calm down. It’s just a bag.
Just a bag?
Do you know how much it is?
She has enough space to doodle.
Why my bag?
It's what happens with a kid in the house.
Look at you.
You’re upset over nothing.
If we have kids, won't you die from fury?
Who said I wanted kids?
What about
when you said you liked kids
and Jingjai?
I was faking it.
So all this time,
- did I get it all wrong?
- About what?
I thought you liked kids.
I thought we would have kids one day.
Kim, are you okay?
I’m okay.
Kim, don’t tell my mom.
Where are you, you brat?
Mom!
How could you do something so shameful?
What’s wrong with you?
Are you so horny
you have to do your friend?
It's your fault.
You said you wanted a grandkid.
Do you want the inheritance that badly?
You act like I’m not your kid.
You love Richy more than me.
You can be dumb all you want,
but not about this.
RELATION, DAUGHTER
BENEFICIARY, FAHLADA NOPSIRI
I said that out of love.
I want you to have a kid,
so you have someone
to look after you when you’re old,
unlike me.
I’m all alone.
I only have my cat.
Is that what you think?
Who loves a cat more than their kid?
Mom.
Ma'am.
Don’t be mad at Natty.
I watched Dr. Phil’s show about behavior.
According to psychology,
Natty did this because she’s afraid
you won’t love her.
It's too bad she's a bimbo.
That's why things got out of hand.
Mom, I’m scared.
Phony bitch.
Butt out.
Do you want love?
I want money.
Do you love me or my money?
I love my mom who has money.
And I love my daughter
who will give me a grandkid.
Forget it. It's hopeless.
Just be who you are.
If you're happy,
I'm happy.
Understand?
As for you, Kim.
Stop pointing your thing at me.
What?
What did you take?
I didn't mean to be rude.
Kim!
I’m at the Namsawang office.
Save your questions for later, Goryah.
Hurry here.
Everything must end today.
Keep the change.
Buy yourself cool wipes.
Do you have an appointment?
I’m here to see Top.
I’ve been waiting for you.
You dress and sound just like her,
you snake.
I won't let you see Top.
Help!
- You...
- Help!
...think...
Help!
...you can
run from me?
I won’t let you spill our secret
and tarnish Empress Cathy’s name.
Do you want to fight me?
Come here.
Are you Nam?
No, I’m Taylor Swift.
Shit.
Is she dead?
It was a mistake.
I never thought that
my hunch would be right.
Top, I’m sorry.
For me, it wasn’t so bad.
Miss Cathy
went through worse.
You dumb bitch. You picked today
to forget your sunglasses.
After decades
in the entertainment industry,
the one principle I always live by is,
"I'll never lie to my fans."
I consider myself blessed
to be an actress.
I can’t allow this deception to continue.
Being Catriona Kannika Wang
takes more than fleeting luck.
I've dedicated my soul
and my whole life
to get to this point.
Damn.
There’s the legendary one-eye teardrop.
I'm so lucky I get to see it.
It's a moment worth cherishing.
To be honest, Cathy,
I only had surgery
to look like you for one reason.
My ex likes you.
I’ve never watched your dramas.
But from what I just saw,
I know you’re not just a beautiful face.
You also have a damn beautiful heart.
What an angel.
Well...
Is that a compliment?
What you said
is a good thing, right?
Of course.
You're so good that I feel ashamed
to have your body and your face
and taint your reputation.
Thank you, Nam.
Try starting by not swearing.
Fuck, yes.
Of course.
It's the Olsen twins.
Mary-Kate and Ashley in the flesh.
I talked to Goryah.
Cathy will clear her schedule
to reshoot the commercial.
She will attend the launch party
and promote my products on every platform.
It's my pleasure.
Thank you.
As for you, Golf,
I won’t press charges
if you and Nam help me
by doing what you're good at.
What else do you want from me?
SEE YOU AT THE LAUNCH PARTY TOMORROW
I'M STILL WAITING FOR YOUR ANSWER ABOUT US
I’m going to Jingjai's recital at school.
I’ll eat with my parents later.
I’ll be home late.
The barbecue pork is in the microwave.
G
Gus.
Can we get back together?
I want to thank you all,
especially the customers of Namsawang
who have always supported us.
For this New Year,
we have a present for everyone.
It is our new product,
the Dual Moods lightbulb.
Let’s take a look
at what makes it special.
How beautiful.
The whole country is fooled.
Operation fake it until you make it.
It's rad.
Dual Moods.
Twice as bright.
Dual Moods.
Twice as bright.
She's the one and only.
She's like David Copperfield.
Is that Nam or Cathy?
Namsawang is proud
to present our brand ambassador,
Cathy, Catriona Kannika Wang.
Thank you.
Let's hear it for Mungkorn.
Up next is the performance by Jingjai
from our singing class.
She's here to sing "Chicky Chick."
Let's hear it for her.
Go, honey.
Chicky...
Chicky chick
Chicky...
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
Chicky chick
Chicky chick chirping
You’re all dancing
like in the music video.
C is for chicken, C is for chirping
About Jingjai,
I’m sorry.
Just forget it.
I was wrong.
No.
It was all my fault.
I assumed you wanted a kid.
I didn’t even ask you if you wanted one.
Now that you know I'm not okay--
I'm okay with not having kids.
I'd rather have you.
I never thought
you would give Jingjai
such a sweet farewell gift.
Who said it was a farewell gift?
It’s a welcome gift
for a new family member.
Hold on.
If it's just us in the house with no kids,
you won’t be happy.
How can I be happy, then?
Are you letting me adopt Jingjai?
God.
I tried to sound cool like in a movie.
Do you mean it this time?
I do.
I thought you weren’t coming.
I already cleared everything up.
That night was nice, Top.
I could imagine
how fancy my life would be
if we got back together.
But?
But that kind of life
isn’t real for me anymore.
If this was five years ago
and I was here with you,
it would be so great.
I would be the happiest gay man alive.
But right now,
it's not what I want.
I know now
what I want in my life.
Why do you think
I can’t give you what Win gives you?
The barbecue pork is in the microwave.
It’s like when I stay at a hotel.
No matter how comfortable it is,
it can't beat the feeling of home.
But if you get bored at home,
you can come stay at the hotel.
Oh, well.
At least this hotel
did its best to promote itself.
I have no regrets.
Let’s move on.
Enough.
Stop it.
We say goodbye here.
I’m already paranoid Win will know.
So,
did you clear everything up?
Yes.
It's settled.
That’s good.
Jingjai.
Give your mom and dad a hug.
Isn't it dad and dad?
She will get confused.
But you can call me Aunty Golf.
- Come on.
- Daddy and Mommy.
Call her Aunty Fatty.
- Aunty Fatty.
- Goodness.
- Don’t teach her that.
- That's right.
Here's the lesson of the day.
One thing we should not do is lie.
In gayspeak, it's called
being fake.
Being truthful not only makes for
a peaceful society,
but also brings good things
to people who stay true.
Natty no longer has to fake it
and repress her lesbian self
just to give her mom a grandkid.
She now has her life sorted out,
for the most part.
Aom, what do you want to eat?
I’ll buy it for you.
How about sacred stones?
The abbot is waiting for you.
Mom!
Why do you guys talk so much?
You talked all night
and you still won't stop talking.
I’m Golf, Scary Pie.
Golf’s devotion to Cathy as her big fan
has made his dream come true
after Cathy mentioned him on a show.
Yes.
He is a makeup artist.
He’s also my fan.
He’s a fan, everyone.
So you must be very upset.
Can I say his name?
Golf.
If you are listening,
you mad cow.
I hope I never see you again in this life.
I can die in peace now.
Kim still has a fake-looking nose,
but the one real thing he has
is his instinct as a steward.
Though the job has caused him
many injuries,
in the end,
the job rewarded him in folds.
Nat!
Luck is still on his side
since no one on the internet knows
about the sauna incident
between Natty and him.
- Kim's heroic act
- Wake up!
Caught the eye
of a well-known airline's CEO.
He was hired to work
as a steward once again.
As for me, I stop pretending to like kids.
I stay true to my heart.
I tolerate them when I can
and admit it when I can't.
Who would have thought
I could come to enjoy it?
Are you throwing it away?
You've had it for ages.
- It goes without saying that
- Yes.
You should only have one love.
Same goes for the only Chanel
with a "G" on it.
G...
- Gay.
- Jingjai.
Don't use that word, sweetie.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Who's being naughty?
- Are you a bad girl?
- No, she's not.
As for Nam or the fake Cathy,
whom people may wonder
how her life turns out,
nobody knew that
as both Cathys joined each other
behind the lightbulb,
a tragic accident happened to Nam.
However, thanks to the Superstar package,
Goryah, and Cathy,
Nam was given a new life with a new face
as a cook on Cathy’s film set.
- I’m hungry.
- One second!
- Where's mine?
- One second!
- Mine too.
- One moment!
One basil fried rice with cowpeas, please.
Cowpeas?
- Fuck your cow--
- Nam!
Is that how your mom makes it?
Sure. It's coming right up.
I’m sorry.
I’m prim, proper,
and polite.
She is Aff Taksaorn.
I’m just an airhead.
Here's some heavenly curry!
Subtitle translation by Joey Vajrabukka