Tootsie (1982) - full transcript

That's right. That's right.
Come on. Come on. No, don't stop.

Come on. No, no, no! Keep looking!

You don't feel so good now, do you?
Come on.

See, you let it out. Out!

I'm an idiot. I feel like an idiot.

Not so fast, not so fast. Slower.

Slower.

Good, good.

Keep it specific.

Still a little tension in the mouth, Mac.

Good, good.



Okay, make her work peripherally.

Michael...

- ...Dorsey, is it?
- Yes, that's right.

Mr. Dorsey, would you turn
to page 23, please?

Yes, I believe you mean the first scene...

Sorry, the second scene of the first act.

Second scene of the first act. That's right.
Take your time. Begin when you're ready.

Yes, of course.

Oh, sweetheart, do you know what it was
like waking up in Paris that morning

seeing the empty pillow where...

Wait a minute! Cover your breasts! Kevin
is downstairs! My God, what are you?

I'm a woman. Not Felicia's mother.
Not Kevin's wife.

Thanks very much, Mr. Dorsey.
We need someone a little older.

Mom! Dad! Uncle Pete, come quick!



Something's wrong with Biscuit!
I think he's dead!

We're looking for someone a little younger.

"They have dinner..." Can I just start again?
I didn't get kicked off right.

The reading was fine.
You're just the wrong height.

Oh, I can be taller.

No, you don't understand.
We're looking for somebody shorter.

Oh! Look, I don't have to be this tall.

See, I'm wearing lifts. I can be shorter.

I know, but, really, we're looking
for somebody different.

I can be different.

We're looking for somebody else, okay?

What do you feel more deeply
about than working?

Well, the part's the most important thing,
but love sometimes is too...

This is improvisation.
You're the writer. You're the playwriter.

When somebody writes a play,

they decide where the highs are,
where the lows are. Right?

Now you do it!

And you may not be high
where they're high in the writing.

You may not be low
where they're low on the writing.

You may be high on "but".
You may be high on "and".

Of course, they were doing it for dough.

They were doing it for dough the same
as everybody does it for dough.

But the question is in the last analysis.

What were they doing for dough?

You and me for dough, we were advancing
our free little non-Prussian careers.

So, when all hell broke loose, and the
Germans started running out of soap,

and figured, "What the hell? We might
as well cook up Mrs. Greenwald!",

who the hell do you think stopped them?

Pardon me, but is my acting
interfering with your talking?

Don't play a part that's not in you.

Don't say "he" or "she" like you did
last week when you were doing Kitty.

Right? When you were doing
'Time of Your Life'.

If you can't make the part yourself,
then you can't play it.

Sergeant.

Quick! Get a priest!

No, sergeant, no priest.

- But you're dying, Count Tolstoy.
- I know.

In the name of the Father,
and the Son and the Holy Ghost,

I commit your soul to God.

- My friends...
- That's super, Michael.

But I wonder if you could move center
stage on that last speech, and then die.

Why?

The left side of the house
can't see you at all.

You want me to stand up and
walk to the center of the stage,

while I'm dying?

Well, I know it's awkward,
but we'll just have to do it.

- Why?
- I just told you. Now do it!

Because you say so?

Yes, love.

Not with me as Tolstoy.

You gotta work.

You gotta work.
There's no excuse for not working.

There's no excuse for not working.
There's unemployment.

When I started acting, there's unemployment.
When all my friends started acting.

And it has not changed.

You got 90-95% unemployment, right?
It's never gonna change.

You're an actor. You're in New York City.

There is no work.
But you gotta find ways to work.

Two tortellinis, a gazpacho
with two house salads, please.

Ordering: Veal chop, medium,
two scrods, an order of chicken,

and give one scrod underdone, please.

- What's the veggie on that?
- Baked potato.

- How'd it go there?
- Terrible.

- Did you rewrite the last scene?
- I did the necktie scene.

How is it?

I'm very excited. I think it's gonna
change theater as we know it.

- All right, hold it. We'll work on it
when we get home tonight. - Okay.

- That's my flounder.
- No, no, no!

- That is my flounder.
- Robber!

- Ordering: One flounder...
- Hey, that's for the customer!

Hey, man! I eat these things once a day,

so when the customers say,
"Hey, do you eat this food?",

I can say, "Yeah, I eat this food."

You rewrote the necktie scene, right?

- Yeah.
- Good, good, good.

- Without the necktie.
- With the necktie.

- With the necktie?
- Yeah, with the necktie.

With the necktie. The necktie is
what's wrong with your play!

- Okay, the necktie is what's wrong with my play.
- You take the necktie out, you got something.

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?
I'll tell you what's wrong with me.

What's wrong with me it is very
depressing to be disagreed with.

It's depression.

Today's your birthday, Michael.

- And you haven't mentioned it all day.
- No, no, no.

- Don't start in with that, man.
- I just think you're allergic to it.

I'm a character actor.
Age has no effect on me.

- That's good. That's very good.
- How does one not be depressed?

Instead of trying to be
Michael Dorsey, the great actor,

or Michael Dorsey, the great waiter,

why not just try to be Michael Dorsey?

I am Michael Dorsey. I am Michael Dorsey.
I don't know what the payoff is.

- Well, say it like you mean it.
- I am Michael Dorsey. Fine. Okay?

Surprise!

- Speech! Speech! Speech!
- No, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute!

Wait a minute. First a toast.

To Michael Dorsey, who, like it or not,
makes you remember what acting's all about!

Being unemployed!

To Michael...

who's been my friend for six years.

Was it that long?

And who is my coach. And he's just great.

He's a great coach, he's a great actor,
he's a great guy and...

This is a really dumb speech.
Let's get drunk.

Happy birthday!

# Happy birthday to you #

# Happy birthday to you #

# Happy birthday dear Michael #

# Happy birthday to you ##

- Hi. How're you doing? I'm Michael.
- Micheal. Patty. Hi.

- Are you an actress?
You have a terrific face. - No.

That's a nice blouse.
Who'd you come here with?

I don't want a full house
at the Winter Garden Theater.

I want 90 people who just came out of
the worst rainstorm in the city's history.

These are people who are alive
on the planet,

until they dry off.

I wish I had a theater that
was only open when it rained.

Strasberg said you create
your opportunities, and he's right.

- Uta said that.
- I don't care who said it.

The point is, Sandy and I are raising
$8,000 to do Jeff's play up in Syracuse.

As soon as we raise the money,
we're gonna do it.

You could do the same thing.
It's a great punchline.

- Look at Emily! Look who's here!
- You have self-pity.

You do it in the Poconos,
you can do it in New Jersey city.

You're sitting around saying,
"I can't work. I can't work."

Create your own op--

- Michael!
- What?

- Isn't she cute?
- Yeah.

- You creat your own opportunity.
- He loves children. He really does.

You make it! You make it!
You find a way to raise it.

I was looking at you from over there.
You've got a terrific face.

Are you an actress?
You are an actress!

- Sometimes, yeah.
- You were in 'Dames at Sea'!

- Yeah, you saw that?
- Good work.

- Really!
- Thank you.

- You have a great singing voice.
- Oh, thank you.

I felt like there was an aura
between us when I saw it.

No, no, I'm not kidding.
I don't know you, but I know you.

I bet you I can tell you something
you don't know about yourself.

- What's that?
- I bet you like to run barefoot on the beach.

Now, why are you so wired?

It's my birthday.
I haven't worked in two years.

- Give me a break.
- That's it?

- Yeah.
- Nothing more?

Yeah, it hurts me.

I want you to be the last one to take
your coat from the bedroom this evening.

- Really, we'll just talk.
- Okay, fine. All right.

- Really?
- Okay.

- Will you?
- Yeah.

- Serious?
- Yeah.

Give me a hug.

Thank you for liking me.

I don't like it when people come up
to me after my play and say...

"I really dug your message, man."

Or, "I really dug your play, man. I cried."

You know?

I like it when people come up to me

the next day

or a week later and they say...

"I saw your play.

"What happened?"

Look, I've got everything under control.

I'm gonna jump in a cab,
go home feed my cats,

'cause I've got to feed them,
and I'll be back in about an hour.

No, you don't understand.
I can't make it tonight,

'cause my roommate's upset.
We've got to work on the third act.

What do you mean
you can't make it tonight?

He doesn't want...
You know, he wants to work.

Look, give me your phone number,
and I'm gonna call you next week.

- I already gave you my phone number.
- Oh, I thought you changed it.

- Since an hour ago?
- Oh, no, you didn't. That's a good point.

Listen, let me talk to him. He's upset.
I'll call you, I promise.

Oh, God!

- Didn't anybody hear me?
- No, I guess not.

I've been trapped in that bathroom
for half an hour.

What kind of a party is this?

- God, you guys are having a good time, huh?
- Mm-hm.

Sorry.

I want you to remember that if I ever do
a scene where I'm trapped some place.

- You know?
- Yeah.

- It's nice, Michael.
- Thanks.

Who is that?

- It's Mallory. She's married to John.
- Oh, yeah.

I did a thing about suicides
of the American Indian.

And nobody cared. Nobody showed.

And I think the American Indian
is as American as...

John and Ethel Barrymore,

and Donny and Marie Osmond.

I think it's really sad,

but I think that, nowadays,
when people dream,

they don't even dream
in their own country anymore.

And that's sick.

Oh, I had a good time. I just didn't
know half of the people here.

Well, it was late, and I wanted it
to be a surprise.

I invited ten people.
They all invited ten people.

You met about forty new people tonight,
and I think they all liked you a lot.

I heard a lot of nice things about you.
You've got new friends now.

- Thanks, Jeff.
- Good night, Sam.

- Happy birthday, Michael.
- Thank you, Sam.

One of the five people I knew tonight.

- Great party.
- Thank you.

Excuse me, Miss Right? Miss Right?

Well, good night, Michael.
It was a wonderful party.

My date left with someone else.

I had a lot of fun.

Do you have any Seconal?

Come on, I'll take you home.

I did have a good time.
I really did, Michael.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes I did.

Wait a minute. I didn't bring
enough money for cab fare.

That's okay. It's cheaper to get mugged.

- Let's walk.
- Are you sure?

The fares are really insane now anyway.

- Why didn't you have a good time?
- I did have a good time.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.

What?

- What?
- Nothing! Nothing! I'm perfectly fine.

I just cry like this, like a tic.

Will you tell me what's wrong, or I'll kill you.

Nothing's wrong, Michael.
I'm really very up.

You're worried about your
audition tomorrow, aren't you?

No, I'm not worried about my audition.

- Why? Why are you so worried?
- Because I'm not going to get it.

- I'm not gonna get it.
- Why not?

- Because I'm completely wrong for it.
- Why? What kind of a part is it?

A woman!

You don't have a man,
so you wanna act like one.

You're wrong, Dr. Brewster.
I'm very proud of being a woman.

All right, Sandy, wait a minute.
Now, this guy treats you like dirt,

because you're a woman,
and he's a big doctor, right?

But you don't have to take that.
You can talk to him on his level.

Show me what you mean.

You're wrong, Dr...
What are you doing, a Southern accent?

You're wrong, Dr. Brewster.
I'm very proud of being a woman!

See, I can't do it as good as you.

Yes, you can! Just turn the tables
on him. Come on, now, will you?

You're wrong, Dr. Brewster.
I'm very proud of being a woman.

Where am I off?

- I don't know what you're playing.
- Well, I'm playing rage. I'm enraged.

You told me that to turn the tables
on him, and I'm playing rage.

This is rage?

I have a problem with anger.

Yeah, you certainly do.
But I'll tell you something.

There's a hundred other actresses
reading for this part

who don't have a problem with anger,
who aren't afraid of working,

who aren't afraid to stick everything
out on the line and do it!

- Don't get mad at me!
- Well, stop being a doormat then!

- I'm not a doormat!
- Act right now! Do it!

- You're wrong, Dr. Brewster. I am...
- Go on.

- You're wrong, Dr. Brewster...
- What do I've to do, hit you with a stick?

You're wrong, Dr. Brewster!
I am very proud to be a woman.

And I'm proud of this hospital.

- And before I see it destroyed
by your petty tyrannies... - Yeah.

Have the anger. Don't show it to me.
Don't push.

...I'll recommend to the board
that you be thrown out into the street.

- Don't lose it, now.
- Good day, Dr. Brewster!

- Don't whine like you're a second-rate actress!
- I said good day!

Not bad. Pretty good.

- Did you feel how much I hated you?
- Yeah.

- Did you really? You felt it?
- Yeah, that's why I'm going.

Wait, where are you going?
How can I get it back tomorrow?

How am I gonna get a total
stranger to enrage me?

All right, I'll pick you up
at 10 o'clock and enrage you.

Bruce Fortune to Telecine.
Bruce Fortune to Telecine.

- Bennett?
- Right here.

Stanz?

This is how I'm supposed to look like?

- That is what you look like.
- It's not funny, Michael!

That's good. Keep that.
Don't lose that anger.

No sequins, Alfred.
She's attending her husband's funeral.

Jacqui, as soon as Ron gets here, hmm, in.

Lester.

Lester. Sandy Lester?

Yes, here.

Stop it!

Julie Nichols, makeup, please.

Bye-bye. Good morning, ladies.

All right. Please bring
your résumés and follow me.

Okay, wish me luck.

- Fuck you.
- Thank you.

- Go.
- God bless you.

Here, you'll recognize some of your favorite
characters from 'Southwest General',

including John Van Horn, who has played
the venerable Dr. Medford Brewster

since the very first episode
aired some 20 years ago.

Now, if you'll follow me,
we'll head into Studio B,

where the episodes are actually taped.

Andrew Donovan,
report to Wardrobe, please.

I didn't get it.

- What?
- They wouldn't even let me read.

What do you mean
they wouldn't let you read?

I mean, they wouldn't even let me read.
They said I wasn't right physically.

That they wanted somebody tougher,
somebody I don't know. So I'm going home.

- Okay, I'll walk you.
- To San Diego?

- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about I'm going home, okay?

Out of here. I hate it here!

God! I'm 34 years old!
I paid $24 for these glasses.

That's all I do is buy things.
I want to be a waitress.

- Okay, I wasn't gonna resort to this,
- I'll be anything. I'll be a wife.

- but you're gonna read.
- I don't want to, really.

Excuse me, is Terry Bishop
working here today?

No, he's no longer with the show.

Mr. Bishop is rehearsing
'The Iceman Cometh' for Broadway.

He's what?!

He's rehearsing 'The Iceman Cometh'
for Broadway.

That was my part.
I was supposed to be up...

I got to see somebody.
Don't do anything rash.

Will he be back?

Excuse me, is George Fields in?

- Yes, he is.
- Thanks.

Now, wait a minute.
You can't just go in there!

Michael, he's tied up right now. I swear!

Hang on one second.

Michael, will you wait outside, please?
I'm talking to the Coast.

This is a coast too, George.
New York is a coast too.

Oh, boy.

Sy, are you...? Sy?

God! Look what you did.
Margaret? Margaret?

Get him back, will you? I cut myself off.

Now what is it, Michael?

Terry Bishop is doing 'Iceman Cometh', right?

Didn't you promise to send me
up for that part? Am I wrong?

Didn't you tell me I was gonna get a reading
for that part? Aren't you my agent too?

- Stuart Pressman wants a name, Michael.
- Oh, I see, Terry Bishop is a name.

No, no, no. Michael Dorsey is a name.

When you want to send a steak back,
Michael Dorsy is a name.

- Okay.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I'm s...

You always do this to me.

It was a rotten thing to say, and I know it.
Let me start all over again.

Terry Bishop is on a soap opera.
Millions of people watch him every day.

He is known.

- And that qualifies him to ruin 'Iceman Cometh'?
- I'm not gonna...

- You know I can act circles around that guy.
- I'm not gonna have this conversation.

I already played that part in Minneapolis.

Stuart Preston wants a name,
that's his affair, okay?

I know this is gonna disgust you, Michael,

but a lot of people are in this business
to make money.

- They know who you are. They want to make money.
- Oh, don't treat me like I'm some flake, George.

I'm in this business to make money too.

- Really?
- Yes.

The Harlem Theater for the Blind?
Strindberg in the Park?

The People's Workshop at Syracuse?

Okay, now wait a minute. I did nine plays
and eight months up at Syracuse.

I happen to get great reviews
from the New York critics.

Not that that's why I did it.

Of course not. God forbid you should
lose your standing as a cult failure.

You think I'm a failure, George?
Is that what you're saying to me?

I will not get sucked into this conversation,
Michael.

- I will not.
- Okay.

Okay, look, I sent you a play
to read that my roommate wrote.

It had a great part in it for me.
Did you read it?

Where the hell do you come off sending me
your roommate's play for you to star in?

I'm your agent, not your mother!

I'm not supposed to find plays
for you to star in.

I'm supposed to field offers.
And that's what I do.

Field offers? Who told you that?
The agent fairy?

That was a significant piece of work.
I could have been terrific in that part.

Michael, nobody's going to do that play.

- Why?
- Because it's a downer, that's why.

Because nobody wants to produce a play
about a couple that move back to Love Canal.

- But that actually happened.
- Who gives a shit?!

Nobody wants to pay $20 to watch
people living next to chemical waste!

They can see that in New Jersey!

Look, I don't want to argue about it, okay?

I'm gonna raise the $8,000 myself,
so I can produce his play.

And I want you to send me up
for anything. I don't care what it is.

I will do dog commercials on television.
I will do radio voice-overs.

- Michael, I can't put you up for any of that.
- Why not?

Because no one will hire you.

Oh, that's not true, man. I bust my ass
to get a part right! You know I do.

Yes, and you bust everybody
else's ass too! That's what you do.

A guy's got four weeks to put on a play,

you think he wants to sit and argue
about whether or not Tolstoy can

walk when he's dying,
or walk when he's talking,

- or sing when he's walking?
- Oh, please!

That was two years ago,
and that guy is an idiot!

They can't all be idiots, Michael.
You argue with everybody!

You've got one of the worst
reputations in this town, Michael.

Nobody will hire you.

Are you saying that nobody
in New York will work with me?

Oh, no, that's too limited. Nobody in
Hollywood wants to work with you either.

I can't even send you up for a commercial.

You played a tomato for 30 seconds,

they went half a day over schedule,
'cause you wouldn't sit down.

Yes, it wasn't logical.

You were a tomato!
A tomato doesn't have logic!

- A tomato can't move!
- That's what I said!

So if he can't move,
how's he gonna sit down, George?

I was a stand-up tomato.
A juicy, sexy, beefsteak tomato!

Nobody does vegetables like me!
I did an evening of vegetables off-Broadway!

I did the best tomato, the best cucumber!

I did an endive salad that knocked
the critics on their ass!

Michael, I'm trying to stay calm here.

You are a wonderful actor.

- Thank you.
- But you're too much trouble.

Get some therapy.

Okay, thanks. I'm gonna raise $8,000
and I'm gonna do Jeff's play.

Michael, you're not gonna raise 25 cents.

No one will hire you.

Oh, yeah?

Dorothy Michaels?

- Yes.
- George Fields is your agent?

- Yes.
- Okay, ladies.

Please bring your pages and follow me.

- Rita this line that "You have every right
to happiness", I hate it. - Got it.

Ron, this is Dorothy Michaels.
Our director, Ron Carlysle.

- Hi, how are you?
- And that's our producer, Rita Marshall.

- Dorothy didn't bring a résumé,
- Hi, nice to meet you.

- but George Fields is Dorothy's agent.
- Hi.

Mh-hm, that's impressive.

Gosh, I'm afraid you're not right for
this role though honey. I'm sorry.

- Thanks for coming by.
- Why?

Page 205, do you want
camera 1 or 2 on that?

- Camera 2, and tell Art about that.
- Why am I not right, Mr. Carlysle?

Well, I'm just trying to make
a certain statement here

and I'm looking for a very
specific physical type.

Mr. Carlysle, I'm an actress.
I'm a character actress.

I can play this part any way you want.

- Honey, I'm sure that you're a very, very good actress.
- Why don't you give me an idea what you're looking for?

- It's just that you're a little bit too soft and gentil.
- What?

- You're not threatening enough.
- Not threatening enough? How's this?

You take your hands off me, or I'm gonna knee
your balls right through the roof of your mouth!

- Is that enough of a threat?
- It's a start.

Yes, I think I know what you all really want.
You want some gross caricature of a woman.

To prove some idiotic point like...
power makes a woman masculine,

or masculine women are ugly.

Well, shame on the woman that lets you
do that, or any woman that lets you do that.

And that means you, dear, Miss Marshall.

Shame on you, you macho shithead.

Jesus!

What is idiotic about power
making a woman masculine?

Not that that was my point.

Miss Michaels, just a minute.

Was that for real in there,
or were you auditioning for the part?

Which answer will get me
a reading, Miss Marshall?

Well, good for you.

Come.

- Miss Michaels.
- Yes. Oh, thank you.

You really think she's worth testing for this, huh?

She told me no director had ever
communicated a part to her so fast.

- She said that?
- Mm-hm.

I like her... accent.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I gotta get these back in order quick.
- They'll never know the difference.

I'm a little nervous.

Just think of them as something friendly,
like a firing squad.

- Okay, Miss Michaels, we're gonna
do a little camera test now. - Yes.

Let me have a right profile, camera 1.
Camera 3, give me a left profile.

- What side?
- Left side.

Which way for your left?

- What?
- Is that my left or your left?

Wait a minute. What are
you talking about? My left.

Your left.

Miss Michaels, nobody's talking to you.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
you wanted my profile.

- Not so close on camera 3.
- Camera 3, back off.

I'd like to make her look a little more
attractive. How far can you pull back?

- How do you feel about Cleveland?
- Knock it off!

That's good right there, Herbie.

- All right, Dorothy, honey, we're
gonna try one, okay? - Yes.

Now, let me see exactly
what you showed us a while ago.

Cue her, Jo.

"I know the kind of woman you are, Emily.

"You're getting older.
You've never been married.

"You don't have a man,
so you want to act like one."

All right, just shut your mouth right now.
When you talk to me, you talk me professionally.

You don't get personal.
That is totally inappropriate behavior.

I'm very proud of being a woman,
Dr. Brewster.

I'm very proud of this hospital,
and you should be too.

And I must tell you, that before I let it
be destroyed by your petty tyrannies,

by your callous inhumanities, sir,

I'm going to recommend to the board
that you be turned out into the street.

Good day, Dr. Brewster.

I said good day, sir.

Thank you. Hold it a minute.

- Tough cookie.
- You know, I gave her that direction.

- Something more, though.
- Oh, I don't know.

It's your decision, but there's something
about her that bothers me.

- Doesn't it bother you?
- I like it.

We'll send the contracts over
to George today, Miss Michaels.

Excuse me. I wonder if you could you help me?
I'm looking for the Russian Tea Room.

This is the Russian Tea Room. Right here.
You're standing right in front of it.

Oh, well, my stars! So it is.

Well, this is very embarrassing.

Yeah, well, this is it.

Thanks very much.

- How're you doing, Mr. Fields?
- Good to see you.

- Nice to see you. Please sit down.
- Thank you.

- The waiter will be here just a minute.
- Thank you.

- George, how are you?
- Hey, Ronnie. How are you?

- Hi.
- Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait...

I'm new in town, and I'm awfully lonely.
I wondered if you wouldn't mind buy me lunch?

Wait a minute. You can't come...
Gregory, this woman...

Don't. It's okay. It's okay.

George, George, George, George, George.
It's Michael Dorsey, okay?

Your favorite client. How are you?
Last time you got me a job I was a tomato.

- Oh, no, no, no...
- Yeah.

Swear to God.

- Michael?
- Yeah.

Oh, God! I begged you to get some therapy.

I know. And you also told me that
no one would ever hire me again.

Well, Jesus Christ, you think
this is gonna make a difference?

I got a soap, George.

I'm the new woman administrator
on 'Southwest General'.

- You what?
- Congratulate me!

They almost didn't hire me, because
they thought I looked too feminine.

- Something from the bar?
- Isn't that amazing?

Please, could you get me
a double vodka right away, please?

- You know?
- For the lady?

- How about a Dubonnet with a twist?
- Yes, ma'am.

- Thank you. That's a lovely blouse.
- Thank you.

- Welcome.
- You're not gonna get away with this.

- I got away with it. Look around. Nobody...
- I don't believe this.

- Why not?
- I mean, I believe it!

- I just don't believe that anybody else
is gonna believe it. - You wanna bet?

- Don't sit--
- George!

- Hi.
- You know Joel Spector.

- Hello, Joel. How are you?
- How're you going? Hi.

Listen I talked to Stuart.
I talked to him yesterday.

He'll be one more week in London.
Then he definitely...

- I missed you!
- Then he definitely...

- You know, he's such a tickly-wickly.
- Then he definitely wants to meet.

You've never been that ticklish before.
We go back years.

- We haven't been introduced.
- He'll call you.

- Hi, Joel Spector.
- Hi.

Joel... I'm sorry.

- Phil Weintraub.
- Hi, how are you?

- I'm sorry. This is Michael...
- So rude!

- Dorothy Michaels. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. - Pleasure.

May I say, Mr. Weintraub,
that you are the best director...

- Producer.
- Sorry, producer.

...on the Broadway scene today.

Thank you. Thank you, Miss Michaels.

- Hope to see you again.
- Yes, let's have lunch.

- Fine.
- Call you.

- George.
- Nice meeting you.

You know, he's very handsome.
I think you ought to represent him.

- You are psychotic!
- No, I'm not. I'm employed.

- I got the whole world...
- Don't!

- I'm not gonna make fun of you.
- Just don't get close to me!

I want you to loan me $1,000 till payday.

- For what?
- For what? For what?

I gotta have something to wear besides this.

I won't let you not buy it. It's the most
becoming dress you've had on.

But I think it makes me look dumpy.

That's because you're wearing ankle straps.
Believe me, with a few alterations...

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What are you doing?
I was here first!

Thank you.

Those women were like animals!

I saw this one beautiful handbag
that was on sale,

but I was too frightened to fight for it.

I mean, they're vicious. They kill their own.

The woman that finally bought
this handbag, I know did time.

Now I don't have a decent handbag.

See this lingerie? You know
what it costs? And the makeup?

I don't know how a woman could keep
herself attractive and not starve these days?

Can I have a little more cottage cheese?

- Is this the one you wore today?
- Oh, yeah, I gotta set that before I go to bed.

Easy, easy, easy. Please!

I'm dieting. Please.

I gotta get up at 4:30, do a close shave.

I already called the studio. I told them that I got
to do my own makeup, because I have an allergy.

Mike, I really appreciate your doing this,
but it is just for the money, isn't it?

It's not just so you can wear these little outfits?

I'm not even gonna answer that.

It all sounds to be one of the great
acting challenges an actor could have.

You know what my real problem is though?

Cramps.

No, not cramps.

- Sandy.
- Sandy.

How am I gonna tell her
they cast a man instead of her?

She gets suicidal at a birthday party!

Don't tell her.

Where am I gonna say I got the money from?

What am I gonna do? Tell her
somebody died and left it to me?

- Oh, my God! When did she die?
- Last week.

- Of what?
- A disease.

- Gee, what a coincidence!
- Mm-hm.

I mean, your needing $8,000 and her
dying and leaving you exactly that much!

- Isn't it?
- It's, well...

- All right, kid.
- Oh, it's mine?

- Start learning your lines.
- I'm excited!

- You sure did!
- This is the greatest part!

- Come on, I want you to take you out
to dinner. Get dressed. - Really?

Yeah! It's about time we started
celebrating something.

- To 'Return to the Love Canal'.
- Come on, hurry up.

- I'll jump in the shower. It'll take 5 minutes.
- Hurry!

- I'll be right back.
- Hurrrrry!

Why, yes.

Michael, you know, we can stay here,
if you want to, and...

- What are you doing?
- Oh, God! Oh! I'm...

Michael!

Sandy, I want you.

You want me?

I want you. I want you.

- Will I ever see you again?
- What?

Sandy, we've known each other six years.

I know. But sex changes things.

I mean, I've had relationships where I
know a guy, and then have sex with him,

and then I bump into him some place,
and he acts like I loaned him money.

Yeah. Well, that's not me, okay?
I'll call you tomorrow.

Michael, I know there's pain
in every relationship.

I would just like to have my pain now, okay?

I mean, otherwise,
I will just wait by the phone.

And then if you don't call,
I'll have pain and wait by the phone.

It's a waste of time.

All right, let's make it definite.
Dinner tomorrow.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ain't we met some place ♪

♪ What a face ♪

♪ Whoever you are ♪

♪ Big brown eyes ♪

♪ Winking back at me ♪

♪ I can see ♪

♪ We're gonna go far ♪

♪ Go, Tootsie, go ♪

♪ Roll, baby, roll ♪

♪ Sweet Tootsie roll ♪♪

Mom?

What do you think? Hurry. I'm late.

Turn around.

Smile.

- Say something.
- How do you do, Jeff? It's nice to meet you.

You look very nice. Nice.

But the hair's not right.

No, it's kind of high. You got kind of a
Howard Johnson's thing going on there.

Well, do something. I can't be
late my first day. Come on.

- Easy, easy!
- It's not your head.

- Okay?
- Let's see.

Well, it works.

But what?

Don't play hard to get.

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi!

- Hi, Dorothy Michaels, 'Southwest General'.
- Oh, yeah. Miss Michaels.

That's TV-2. Dead straight ahead,
take your first right.

Thank you. Is that clock right?

- Right on the money.
- I couldn't get a cab.

- Hi, Bobby. This is Miss Michaels.
- How do you do?

You'll be in Room 4, Miss Michaels, and
we'll need you on set in about 15 minutes.

Right.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Hi. Oh, that's...

- Oh, Jesus.
- It's quite all right.

- I'm April Paige. How're you doing? Are you okay?
- My, what a nice-looking table.

- Really?
- Yes, it's very smooth.

And that's a very good idea.
A socket for a plug.

- Yeah, well, we got everything.
- Yes, I see.

Just push all that stuff out of the way.
Make yourself at home, okay?

Yes?

One more thing, Miss Michaels.
I forgot to give you these.

Thank you.

- Oh, are these for today?
- Yes.

They always throw stuff at you
in the last minute.

You could lose your mind around here.

- Oh, my goodness!
- What's wrong?

I have to kiss Dr. Brewster!

Oh, yeah. He kisses
all the women on the show.

We call him "The Tongue".

Okay, quickly now. The tubes
have pulled out of Rick's nose.

Julie, there's been an alert at your station.

Rick, get on the floor.
That's why the tubes pulled out.

Now, when Julie starts stuffing
the tubes back up your nose,

you grab her hard, and I mean hard.

- Right.
- In his condition?

Absolutely. He's been out of his mind
since he fell through the ice.

Also, Rick, you're in a delirioum.
You think she's Anthea.

- Mr. Carlysle, I--
- Jesus Christ!

I wonder if we could have
a little more hammering here?!

Now, when you grab her,
maybe you even say, "Anthea! Anthea!"

Yeah, that's good. Is my violin
here somewhere in the room?

No, your violin's sunk.
It's at the bottom of the lake.

Now, Lisa...

The violin fell through the ice.

- He was playing during the thaw.
- Oh.

- You're Dorothy Michaels, aren't you?
- Yes.

I'm John Van Horn.

We're up next.

Now, Julie, honey...

When he grabs you, you've got
to be torn, you've got to struggle.

Because you know you've got to get
those tubes stuck back up his nose.

But at the same time, you realize
that you're in the arms of a man,

whose music was everything
to Anthea. It was her whole life.

I mean, this is a man who stood
by you after Ted's breakdown.

Bernie, get me a bagel and
cream cheese, will you?

- Julie, you want anything?
- No, no. She's fine, thanks.

So it's a struggle, but you're struggling
with yourself as well. Do you understand?

- And I lose, right?
- Oh, baby! Get down here a minute.

Now, then, Rick, it says when
she comes down to her knees,

it inflames your desire.

God knows, it always inflames my desire.

Okay, Big John.

- Dorothy, come on in here.
- Mr. Carlysle, I want to ask this question.

Everybody, this is Dorothy Michaels,
the new hospital administrator.

- Hi.
- Hello, Dorothy.

Hi. We met the other day.
Julie Nichols, hospital slut.

Oh, no.

- Now, Mr. Carlysle I wanna ask you a teeny-weeny--
- Now, sweetheart, I'm sorry,

but we have so little time,
we can't even rehearse.

- What I'm gonna do is show you your marks,
- Just a teeny little question about...

- and then we're gonna go straight to tape. All right?
You'll be all right. - ...me and Dr. Brewster...

Big John, you'll enter from here obviously,
you see them struggling,

you cross to right here and then you cry
loudly, "Nurse Charles, are you insane?"

Yes, I see. Will it be
on the teleprompter, "loudly"?

- Yeah.
- And who do I say that to?

- Nurse Charles.
- Nurse Charles.

- See, I thought when Dr. Brewster--
- Now, toots, come here.

You will enter from here,
you cross over to this mark.

- Yes, I know my mark. But I thought when--
- Right here.

- The corridor scene will be played right here. Okay?
- Yes, I know.

See, I just wanted to ask,
concerning the doctor...

Places, please. Stand by, tape is rolling.

Five, four, three...

Anthea!

Oh, Anthea!

Freeze up. Ready on 1-25.

Nurse Charles! Are you insane?

I'm Emily Kimberly,
the new hospital administrator.

Nurse Charles, what on earth
is going on here, dear?

Help me get her to her feet, Miss Kimberly.

John's going.

Nurse Charles, tend to your patient
and faint on your own time, is that clear?

- Yes, Miss... Kimberly.
- Kimberly.

Dr. Brewster, you and I must talk.

- Talk to me Rita, you want to keep rolling?
- It's okay. It's okay. The girl saved it.

- You haven't changed at all, Emily.
- Oh, but I have, Medford.

You know, Emily, there's no reason
for us to be in opposite camps.

We can rule Southwest General together.

I admire people with power.

Women with power, especially.

God, she hit him on the head.
Rita, she hit him on the head.

...and then not consider that a threat?

I'm afraid, Dr. Brewster, that
you have underestimated me.

If you want to win me over,
you'll have to deal with my mind...

and not my lips.

- Cut it.
- And stop tape.

- I was supposed to kiss her.
- You know, Mr. Carlysle, it was just an instinct.

I can't remember what you said to me
about my character being more threatening.

It was a good instinct.
It would've been mine.

Wait a minute. I'll handle the instincts here.

It happened to be
a very good instinct, toots,

but the next time you want to change something,
you've to discuss it with me first. Do you understand?

Yes, I was wrong not to.

Good girl. Okay.

Big John, wonderful! Womderful!

All right, people.

Item seven. In the corridor.

- Thanks for catching me.
- Oh, sure.

You saved my ass. Literally.

- Dorothy...
- Yes.

I just want to say I loved
what you did in our scene.

- Thank you.
- Welcome aboard!

Well, you know, you were good too...

Can I have your autograph?
I have been watching the show forever.

You're so great.

Wonderful! Oh, thank you!

Thank you, Miss Nichols. That was
certainly an exhilarating first day.

- Yeah, you tell me about it next week.
- Well, good night.

Julie, come on, baby.

Oh, can we drop you somewhere?
Maybe you'd like to join us for a drink.

- No, thanks. I feel like walking.
- Okay, bye.

She's really a very, very attractive girl.

And she's no dummy either,
but for the life of me,

I cannot understand what she's doing
hanging around with that director.

He treats her like she's just...

- ...nothing!
- I think you're right.

I'm gonna rewrite the necktie scene
without the necktie.

I don't like the way
he condescends to me either.

He calls me "sweetheart", calls me "honey".
He doesn't even know my name.

He calls her "baby".

He pushed me around today.

I'm telling you, If I didn't have the dress on,
I would've kicked his arrrogant ass in.

How'd you ever end up
communicating with this guy?

He told me what he wanted.
I didn't agree with him. I didn't say anything.

I did it the way I wanted to. He bawled me out,
and I apologized to him. That was that.

I think...

I think Dorothy's smarter than I am.

I just wish I looked prettier, you know?
I look in the mirror and...

Maybe I can just get a softer...

hair or something,
because she deserves it.

- Don't! Don't answer that!
- Why not?

- Don't, because it could be for Dorothy. Please.
- Why'd you give them this number?

I had to. The show has to contact in case
they change the schedule. I had no choice.

- I'll answer and find out.
- No, no, no!

I don't want them to think that Dorothy's living
with a man. It's wrong for her. She lives alone.

It could be for me. This could be important.
Why don't you answer it as Dorothy?

I can't answer it as Dorothy!
What if it's Sandy?

What if it's Diane? How do I explain
that there's a woman here?

All right, I'll get a service tomorrow.

You know, when you were playing Cyrano

and you stuck a saber underneath
my armpit in the couch,

you know, I didn't say anything.

When you were hopping around,
ranting about your hump,

saying this was a bell tower,
I didn't say anything.

But I don't see any reason why I should
just sit here pretending I'm not home,

just because you're not that kind of girl.

That's weird.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to Diane's.

That way if anybody wants to reach me,
including Diane, they can talk to me.

What do you think I'm doing this for?
For you, for the play, for Sandy...

Yeah, well, I told you to give me
the pain yesterday, Michael.

Sandy, I'm sorry. I can't talk long.

I just don't have the energy.
I think I have a virus.

I didn't forget. I just may
have the flu or something.

- Oh, Michael, do you have a fever?
- I think so.

- How much?
- I don't know.

Oh, my God! Well, go right
to bed and take two aspirin,

and bundle up, and sweat,
and drink plenty of liquids,

and above all, take 1,000 units of
vitamin C every hour with milk only.

Did you give Melanie an overdose
actually on purpose?

I don't know. I don't write the shit, you know.

Don't be so hard on Dr. Brewster.
He's only mean, because he's so insecure.

Well, I have to be tough on him,
because he just wants my body.

Dorothy, you're so bad.

- You know, you look just the way you look.
- Oh, thank you.

- You know, you're very attractive too.
- Dorothy...

I want you to meet my dad, Les.

- Well, it's nice to meet you.
- I feel I know you already.

You know, I just love your daughter to pieces.

I can't write any clearer
than I can write, man. It's in English.

- What do you think of those?
- For Sandy?

No, for me, for Dorothy. I mean not exactly,
but that kind of idea. What do you think?

- It's a little overstated.
- Really? Wait a minute!

Jesus!

- That's her.
- Nurse Charles!

You got it. Thursday, what time?

8:30.

I will not forget. Okay, bye-bye.

"Things have been so much better
since you came to Southwest General."

- "We're all so grateful to you."
- For?

- "For your help and advice."
- "I really think of you all as my daughters."

"And what kind of mother would I be,
if I didn't give my girls tits?"

"Tips". It's "tips".

Tips.

I think you'll find you picked the wrong
man to challenge, Miss Kimberly.

It was you who pro... Look at me
when I talk to you, Dr. Brewster.

I don't trust a man who won't meet my eye.

I don't trust it in a bank teller
I don't trust it in an insurance salesman,

and I certainly don't trust it
in a chief surgeon. Now...

It was you who provoked
this confrontation, sir.

You're an incredibly insensitive
woman, Miss Kimberly.

Stop thinking of me as a woman, Medford,
and start thinking of me as a person.

That's what Southwest General
is made of, people.

And have Nurse Charles
see me immediately.

- Okay, One push in for a close-up.
- Not too close!

Okay, hold it there.

- And cut it!
- Stop tape.

Dorothy, it was wonderful
the way you held my face.

You controlled me completely.
I felt your power.

Well, thank you, John, but, you know,
you had some great moments.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Hold it. Good news, children.

Our brilliant engineering staff has once
again erased an entire reel of the show.

So, we have to retape 14, 15 and 16.

Hey, hey, hey! It's either that
or do it live tomorrow.

I think we should tape it, don't you?

Okay, that's a wrap. See you
bright and early, 6:30 tomorrow.

- Good night, Dorothy.
- Good night, Ben.

That's some day, huh?

What? Oh, you mean
about doing it over again.

Tell me, does that happen often?

Every once in a while. You know,
we actually had to do it live once.

Live!

You should have seen Van Horn's face.
Of course, you couldn't see Van Horn's face.

'Cause he was so panicked,
we had to shoot him from the back.

- You want some wine?
- No, thanks. I better be getting home.

I have to wash my hair. Thanks anyway.

- Dorothy?
- Yes?

Listen, I know this is exactly
what you want to hear right now,

but we've got 26 pages tomorrow,
and I was just wondering

if you could find it in your heart to come over
and run some lines with me tonight.

Well...

And I could make you something to eat.

Night, Fay.

I'm a born defroster.

What do you mean
you don't have a thing to wear?

- She's seen me in all of these.
- She hasn't seen you in the white thing.

- What, this?
- Yeah.

You cannot wear white to a
casual dinner. It's too dressy.

- You couldn't wear pants?
- No. Pants? I can't.

- What about this thing?
- No, no. I don't have the right shoes for it.

I hate the way the horizontal lines
make me look too hippy,

and it cuts me across the bust.

I think we're getting into a weird area here.

This is smart. What about this? Seriously.

You look like you should ring a school bell.

This may seem silly to you,
but this is our first date.

I just want to look pretty for her.

- Hi.
- Hi. What a pretty outfit.

- Yeah. I'm glad you like it.
- Come on in.

- Thank you. I brought you something.
- Oh, God, you didn't have to do that.

It was nothing.

Come on in. I'll put them in some water.

- Oh, what a big apartment!
- Yeah.

- And what a lovely, lovely room!
- Is it?

- Yes, it's yummy.
- I had a decorator do it.

Before the show, no money.
Since the show, no time.

- Amy is asleep. Finally.
- Scared the daylights out of me.

Miss Nichols, that child is never
gonna learn anything, if you keep--

Thank you, Mrs. Crawley.

- Dorothy Michaels, Mrs. Crawley.
- I'm sorry, I didn't know.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- She scares the shit out of me.
- Scared me to death.

Drop your coat here.

- Who is it?
- Amy's nanny.

- Oh.
- And she hates me.

Who's Amy?

My daughter.

Oh!

She was 14 months old last week.

I didn't know you had a baby.

- You got any kids, Dorothy?
- Oh, no, no.

- Were you ever married?
- No, I haven't been that fortunate.

I was engaged once, though,
to a brilliant young actor,

whose career unfortunately was cut short

by the insensitivity
of theatrical establishment.

- They killed him?
- In a manner of speaking, uh-huh.

Sutton gave up acting, and me as well.

He's working now as a waiter
in a disreputable restaurant.

I don't want to talk about it.

Maybe you'd like a little wine?

No, I think I'd better keep sharp
when we work, you know?

You mind if I ask you a question?

Do you worry about using so much
heavy make-up on your skin all the time?

No. I don't worry.

I have a little...

mustache problem I'm real sensitive to.

Probably just too many
male hormones or something.

Well, some men find that attractive.

I know, I know. I just don't like
the men that find it attractive.

I take it you're divorced?

Oh, no, I've never been married.

Perhaps I'll just have one little drink.

Tell me about Ron.

- How much time have you got?
- Go on.

Well, Ron...

Ron is, hands down, the best
director of daytime drama.

- Did they tell you not to call it a soap yet?
- Uh-uh.

There was a time when anybody called it
a soap opera in front of a civilian,

Rita would fine them a quarter.
I think that's how she bought her Mercedes.

You're not telling me about you and Ron.

That's night time drama.
He's interesting there too.

Oh, you mean he's...

You mean you have a good relationship.

I don't know. What's a good relationship,
Dotty? Can I call you Dotty?

- Oh, please do.
- Ron's smart, and he's funny.

We got some things in common.

Listen, do you know any guy who's interested
in a woman who wants her dinner at 4:00,

is unconscious by 9:00,
and goes to work at dawn?

But how does he treat you?

Ah, that.

Listen, you don't think I do this
without a plan, do you?

What do you mean?

There are a lot of men out there.
I'm selective. I look around very carefully.

And when I find the one I think can
give me the worst possible time,

that's when I make my move.

All my lines sound like subtitles
for a Czech movie.

Listen, try answering as if the question
took you by complete surprise.

What do you mean?

I'm gonna ask you a question,
you just answer it.

Okay.

Why do you drink so much?

When you grow up the way I did,
an orphan raised by a sister 16 years older...

you have few illusions.

- There you go.
- Did it make a difference?

- Yes. You got it.
- Oh, thanks, Dorothy.

Why do you drink so much?

Because it's not fattening,

and it's not good for me.

How many things can you say that about?

You tell me that I should
mind my own business.

I just don't think you should worry about it.

- I mean, it's nice of you, but...
- But I should mind my own business.

I mean, it's all so complicated, isn't it?

- What?
- All of it.

Truthfully, don't you find being
a woman in the '80s complicated?

Extremely.

- You know what I wish, just once?
- What?

That a guy could be honest enough
just to walk right up to me and say,

"Hey, listen, you know,
I'm confused about this too.

"I could lay a big line on you,
we could do a lot of role-playing.

"But the simple truth is,
I find you very interesting,

"and I'd really like to make love with you."
Simple as that.

- Wouldn't that be a relief?
- Heaven.

Sheer heaven.

Ron was supposed to come over
last night. I had dinner all ready for him.

He never showed up.

Oh, my Lord! What time is it?

- It's 10:30.
- I gotta go.

Listen, forgive me for rushing off like this.
It was a wonderful dinner.

The dinner is burned.

I'm sorry I'm late.
But, listen, I was taking a shower,

and, really, the water got turned off,

and I got soap in my eyes.

I had to go to five different stores
to get your favorite flavor...

Chocolate-chocolate chip.

Michael, I saw her.

What are you talking about?
You saw who?

When you were so late,
I went by your place...

- When?
- Tonight.

...and I waited outside and I saw that
fat woman go into your apartment.

Fat woman?

The one in the raincoat.

Oh, that woman! That's a friend of Jeff's.

She came over to help him with the play.

They've known each other for years.

You really think she's fat?

Well, it was dark in the stairway,
but, yes, I thought she was fat.

And since when does Jeff start
collaborating on his play?

She's an old friend.
She happens to be an excellent typist.

Look, Sandy, I'm not having an affair with the
woman that came in my apartment, all right?

It's impossible.

Michael, I don't want to make trouble.

I never should have people over for dinner.
They never show up.

I'm sorry. I feel guilty.
You feel guilty. I'm sorry.

- Don't do that, Sandy.
- I'm sorry.

Don't apologize to me,
because I'm three hours late.

You should be furious.

You've just been so great to me, Michael.

You were so terrific to help me
with the audition for that soap.

It's that soap!

Oh, that soap!

By the way, did you see that cow they hired?

Cow?

They must've gone a different way.

She is awful.

Well, I heard she was pretty good.

Baloney!

And she's supposed to be tough, right?
She's supposed to be tough.

She's not tough. She's a wimp!

Maybe it's the lines. After all,
she doesn't make up her own lines.

Well, I think she should.

They couldn't be any worse.

I can't move out, Miss Kimberly.

I have no place to go.

I don't know what to do.

Don't lie there cringing and tell me your husband
beats you, but you can't move out, Mrs. Marion.

- Why should you move out? It's your house too!
- What is she saying?

Three's up. Ready one.

Do you know what I'd do,
if somebody did this to me?

If I saw him around again, I'd pick up the biggest
thing around, and I'd just take it, and I'd...

and bash their brains right through

the top of their skull, before
I'd let them beat me up again.

Well, I can't afford therapy, Miss Kimberly.

Therapy? Who said anything about therapy?

- Cut it, Ron.
- Yeah. Cut it!

Wait a minute.
Her line is, "Your husband..."

Okay, okay. Wait a second. Okay.

May I say in my own defense, Miss Marshall,

that to tell a woman
with two children, no money,

and a husband that beats her up like this,
with a broken arm and a bashed-in face,

to move out of her house into a welfare center
in order to get therapy is just a lot of...

horseshit! Excuse me.
I wouldn't do it, would you?

- I can't act with this.
- Oh, shut up.

Ron?

- I'm partially to blame, Miss Kimberly.
- Yeah.

I know I'm pretty, and I use it.

I just guess I shouldn't have gone
to Dr. Brewster's office so late.

Well, no, that's not true.

You know, Dr. Brewster has tried to
seduce several nurses on this ward,

always claiming to be in the throes
of an uncontrollable impulse.

Do you know what?

I think I'm gonna give every nurse
on this floor an electric cattle prod,

and instruct them to just
zap him in his "badubies".

Cattle prod?!

Ruby, hi. Do you want to
open up the yellow pages

under the section of
Farm Equipment Retail?

♪ Go, Tootsie, go ♪

♪ Roll, baby, roll ♪

♪ Sweet Tootsie roll ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Tootsie you and I ♪

♪ We're riding high ♪

♪ Rolling along ♪

♪ You're a real ♪

♪ Razzle dazzle, you ♪

♪ Whatever you do ♪

♪ Keep singing your song ♪

♪ Go, Tootsie, go ♪

♪ Roll, baby, roll ♪

♪ Sweet Tootsie roll ♪♪

I am Dorothy. Dorothy is me. Nobody's
writing that part. It's coming out of me.

You are Michael. You're acting Dorothy.

It's the same thing.
There's a woman in me.

- I'm experiencing these feelings.
- Let's not get carried away with this.

Why can't you get me a special?

Please, I could sing as Dorothy,
I could do some monologues.

I feel I have something to say to women.

- Something meaningful.
- Listen to me, Michael.

You have nothing to say to women.

That's not true! I've plenty to say to women!

I've been an unemployed actor
for 20 years, George. You know that.

I know what it's like to sit by the phone
waiting for it to ring.

And when I finally get a job,
I have no control!

Everybody else has the power,
and I got zip!

If I could impart that experience
to other women like me...

You've got to listen to me, Michael!

There are no other women like you.
You're a man!

Yes, I realize that, of course.
But I'm also an actress.

Michael, I don't think
we should argue about this.

- I mean, really, what's--
- I'm a potentially great actress.

- I could do Medea. I could do Ophelia.
- Great actress! Right!

I could do Lady Macbeth,
just like they did in Shakespeare's days.

- Why don't you get the writers at the agency to...
- I got a terrific idea.

- I could do a great Eleanor Roosevelt.
- I got a terrific idea.

- We could do the Eleanor Roosevelt story.
- Let's don't do this. Let's not...

- The Eleanor Roosevelt story?
- Yes!

What's the matter with that?

- I could be brilliant.
- Michael, listen...

Phil Weintraub's party is
Saturday night. Let's just go.

Forget it, have a good time, have a couple
of drinks. Don't take yourself so seriously!

- He never invited me to a party before.
- I'm inviting you. Me.

That really looks great.
He did a fabulous job on your eyes.

I can't blink for a week, really.

- I don't like it here.
- Stand up straight.

- What do you want to drink?
- A double champagne.

What is this, just serve yourself?

- Hi.
- Hi. What would you like?

Give me two...

- Two what?
- Of anything.

- I'm sorry, I just didn't get...
- Just a couple of champagnes.

- Hi. Can I get you something?
- Yeah. Vodka on the rocks with a twist, please.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You don't remember me, do you?

Yeah. When I came in through the door,
I thought you looked familiar.

What's your name again?

- Suzanne.
- Suzanne, uh-huh.

Call Pamela Green, she's my agent.

There's a lot of interest over at Paramount.
And I'll know right after the 1st.

I'll read it after the 1st.

- Actually, I'm not that crazy about the script.
- Hi, Julie. - Hi.

I'm having a rewrite done and I'd like
to show you some of the changes.

Maybe we could have dinner.

Call Pamela. She handles me for dinner.

- Do you have a light?
- Oh.

- How have you been?
- Great.

- You look wonderful.
- Thank you.

Silly me, I already had dinner.

I didn't know there'd be so much food.

It's for my dog.

He likes fruit.

Hi. Mike Dorsey.

Uh-huh.

Great view, huh?

Only Phil could afford all those lights.

You know...

I could lay a big line on you,

and we could do a lot of role-playing,
but the simple truth is...

that I find you very interesting.

And I'd really like to make love to you.

You know? It's as sim...

As simple as that.

I understand who you really are.

And I'll no longer submit to your
petty insults and humiliations.

It's not necessary now that
Emily Kimberly's here.

Now that someone who sees
the truth is your equal.

Listen, doctor, I've filed charges
against you with the AMA.

You'll be notified tomorrow.

- And cut it.
- Cut.

It's a good one.

(Perfect.)

- That was great.
- Thanks, John.

- Lovely job, Julie. First-rate.
- You were wonderful.

Yeah, thanks to my coach.

No, no, you did it yourself.

- Was it okay? I mean...
- Perfect. I loved the middle part.

Okay. So much for the
mutual admiration society.

Let's move on to item 17.
Jo, clear this set.

I'll need Alan, Tom and John.

Tootsie, take 10.

Ron!

My name is Dorothy.

It's not Tootsie or Toots
or Sweetie or Honey or Doll.

- Oh, Christ!
- No, just Dorothy.

Now, Alan's always Alan, Tom's
always Tom and John's always John.

I have a name too. It's Dorothy,
capital D-O-R-O-T-H-Y.

Dorothy.

Excuse me, doctor.

Did somebody die?

- Violinist.
- Oh, I didn't know he was that sick.

He wasn't. He asked for a raise.

I'm sorry about what happened out there.
I was...

- Listen, what are you gonna do for the holidays?
- I was a little upset.

Why?

Well, the baby and I are gonna
go up to my dad's farm upstate.

It's not exactly the fast lane,
but it's kind of fun.

Maybe you'd like to come along.

You know, since my dad met you,
he's your biggest fan.

Is Ron coming too?

Would that make a difference?

- Well...
- Actually...

I think he has to stay in town and work.

Oh.

If it matters...

I've always hated women who treat
other women as stand-ins for men.

It's not that, really.

I'd just like you to come.

I just want to be real careful,
not get up too soon,

or else I'll have another relapse.
You know what I mean?

Listen, Michael, isn't there
some way we could rehearse

and actually be in the same room together?

We will, Sandy. Right after the weekend.
So, I'll call you Monday, okay?

Thanks. Bye-bye.

Do you know where my night gown is? You know,
the pink one. The one with the flower... Oh!

- Listen to me.
- What?

Stop packing. Don't do this.

- Why?
- You should not do this.

In two weeks, I'll never see Julie again,
and if I do, it'll be as Michael Dorsey,

and she'll probably throw a drink in my face.

Where is my make-up kit?

How long are you gonna
keep lying to Sandy like this?

Oh, come on. It's for her own good.

I never told Sandy that I wouldn't
see other women. Come on.

And If, you know, I did tell her, it would only hurt
her feelings, and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Especially since Julie and I
are just girlfriends.

I'm just afraid you're gonna
burn in hell for all of this.

I don't believe in hell. I believe in
unemployment, but I don't believe in hell.

Hi.

- Wait! Let me get those.
- Oh, well, thank you.

- Strong little thing, aren't you?
- Well, no.

Come on, Dorothy. I'll show you the house.

- Careful coming up here.
- Well, it really is old, isn't it?

Here we are.

I'll set up the crib in a second.

You girls unpack your bags,
and we'll get going at--

Wait! Are we sharing?

The rest of the upstairs is still shut off.
Besides, I know you girls.

No matter how far apart I put you,

you'll sneak back together again
and spend the night giggling.

He still thinks I'm 12.

Which side do you want, Dorothy?

I think the one closest to the bathroom.

Don't worry, I won't take up much room.

- Hold it between your thumb and forefinger.
- Yeah.

- Then let every finger roll down individually.
- Like this?

- That's it, yes.
- My goodness!

It's all right. You'll be all right.

[It Might Be You by Stephen Bishop]

♪ Time ♪

♪ I've been passing time
watching trains go by ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ Lying on the sand,
watching seabirds fly ♪

♪ Wishing there would be ♪

♪ Someone waiting home for me ♪

♪ Something's telling me it might be you ♪

♪ It's telling me it might be you ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ Looking back as lovers go walking past ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ Wondering how they met,
and what makes it last ♪

♪ If I found the place ♪

♪ Would I recognize the face? ♪

♪ Something's telling me it might be you ♪

♪ All of my life ♪♪

Special up here, isn't it?

I'm glad you came.

Listen, can I tell you something?

Sweetheart!

Ron is on the phone.

Hi. I'm sorry.

- What, Dorothy?
- Nothing, nothing.

- I think I'll put her down.
- Good.

Bye-bye. Gets a little chilly out here.

- No, I was just...
- I brought this sweater for you.

Thank you. Very nice of you, Les.

Thank you.

Well, I wonder if we're gonna get
any stars out of the sky tonight?

I've got my stars.

You and Julie.

# That's all #

# That's all #

- It's so beautiful.
- Yeah, I should've transposed it.

It's wonderful thing for a lady to play a piano.

Quit. My Mama insisted.

Who wants another drink?

- Oh, I'm fine.
- You better take it easy.

Remember Injun Joe.

- What's that?
- Easy now.

Don't you tell that story!

- This is the bar Daddy hangs out in.
- I don't hang out there.

And one night, he and Injun Joe
threw back a few too many.

- Hard liquor.
- They thought they saw this elk.

And they stalked it around
in the dark for a couple hours.

They finally got it cornered it
up against Charlie's barn.

Just about the time they were ready
to blast the thing's head off, it mooed.

It was a cow?

That's enough laughing at your old man.

Hey, you know this one?

# For it was Mary #

Wait a minute.

# Mary #

# Long before the fashions came #

# And there is something there #

# That sounds so square #

# It's a grand old name #

- Bravo!
- That was Julie's mother's name.

Mary Juliet Cooper.

Well, I'm going to bed.

What do you say, Dororthy? You wanna
hit the hay, as they say on the farm?

Oh, well, I think I'll... You and...
Both of... you go to bed.

- I'll stay up.
- I'll stay up with you.

- Oh!
- Well, I'm going.

- Good night.
- Good night, dear.

- Good night, Dad.
- Good night, honey. Sleep well.

Be good.

- Nice girl, isn't she?
- Very sweet, very sweet.

I'm kind of glad old Ron didn't come up.

You know I am too, actually.

- Really?
- Yes.

- I'm sorry. Please, sit down.
- Thank you.

I thought you'd be more like one of those...
you know, one of them "liberators".

Oh, well, you know, I'm not really
like the woman you see on the show.

I mean, that's just a part.
I'm not all that militant.

Don't get me wrong.
I'm all for this equal business.

I think women ought to be entitled
to have everything and all, et cetera.

Except...

Sometimes I think what they really
want is to be entitled to be men.

Like men are all equal in the first place,

- which we're not.
- No.

- Can I get you another drink?
- Mm-mm.

I must keep my wits about me tonight.

Tonight?

Well, always.

You know, I can remember years ago,

there was none of this talk about
what a woman was, what a man was.

You just were what you were.

And now they have all this stuff about...

how much you should be like the other sex,
so you can be all more the same.

- Well, I'm sorry, but we're just not, you know.
- Right.

Not on a farm, anyway.

Bulls are bulls,
and roosters don't try to lay eggs.

Never.

My wife and I, we were
married a lot of years.

People got it all wrong, yoy know?

They say your health
is the most important thing.

But I can lift this house
off the ground. What good is it?

Being with someone.

Sharing.

That's what it's all about.

- Julie tells me you're not married.
- No.

Like another drink?

- No.
- You sure?

Yes. Oh, well, you know what?
I think it is about that time.

- Thanks for staying up and talking.
- Oh, don't you mention it.

You have beautiful eyes.

Oh, well, thank you.

Good night, Les.

Daddy's a little out of touch, isn't he?

No. Very sweet, very sweet.

He sees things pretty simply.

You're either happy or unhappy.

Married or not married.

There's nothing in between.

I tried to get him to take out
other women after Mama died, but...

You know, she must have been
a very special person.

I guess so. I don't remember her very well.

I remember her helping me
pick out this wallpaper.

I'd chosen one with great big,
purple flowers on it.

And she said to me...

"Just remember that once you choose it,

"it's gonna cover the walls
of your room for a long, long time."

So I tried to imagine what those big,
purple flowers were gonna look like

on all the walls of my room

every night when I was falling asleep

and every morning
when I was getting dressed.

So I said to her,
"Which one would you choose, Mom?"

And she said, "The one with
the daisies and the little rosebuds,

"because daisies are such homey flowers,

"and rosebuds are so cheerful
and always waiting to bloom."

That's lovely.

I made a million plans
looking at this wallpaper.

I was always waiting
for these rosebuds to open.

That's nice.

My mother used to do that too, sometimes.

- Good night, Julie.
- Good night, Dotty.

Cathy Campbell, please call your office.

It says "cool".

Don't you think I should be angry?
Doesn't it play better that way?

Yes, why don't you try that?

This just came to our dressing room for you.

- I think it's from Julie's father.
- Oh, my!

Now don't you dare eat any of those.
You don't wanna ruin that cute figure of yours.

What a thoughtless present
to give a woman.

Chocolates!

Dorothy Michaels, Rita Marshall's office.
Dorothy Michaels.

You know, Dorothy,
you're a complicated lady.

On the one hand,
you're a real pain in the ass.

I've got one of the most
expensive directors in soaps...

I owe myself a quarter.

And you've got him defensive and hostile.

Oh, I don't mean to.

However, we're getting 2,000 letters a week

and we've picked up three share points.

And it's largely due to you.

You are the first woman character
who is her own person.

Who can assert her own personality
without robbing someone of theirs.

You're a breakthrough lady for us.

We're picking up your option.
You'll be with us another year.

Congratulations.

Come on, Michael. What are you
talking about get you out of it?

I can't get you out of it. There's no way
out of it. It's a one-way option, theirs.

What are you talking about?
Who gave them that?

You did. You signed the standard contract.

I signed the contract, but I didn't know I was gonna
be working for the rest of my life as a woman!

I know it, but you gotta find
some way to make it work.

Look, they're willing to pay. They're
gonna go from 650 to 850 an episode.

You get me out of this. I don't care how you
do it, or I'm gonna go in right now and tell them.

Tell them what? That you deliberately
put an entire network on the spot?

That you're making a fool out of millions of
American women every day? They'll kill you!

Look, I got a secretary out there wants wants to
be like Dorothy Michaels. I'm ready to fire her.

Michael, we're talking major fraud here.
Major fraud! You can't tell them!

What about me? You think anybody's
gonna believe I wasn't in on this?

I mean, they'll kill me.

Come on. This is not like ruining
yourself by walking out on some play.

This is ruining me too.

You can't do it, Michael.
You gotta find a way to make it work.

- Can you take that many Valium?
- We'll see.

You know, maybe there's
a morals clause in your contract.

Perhaps, if Dorothy did something really
filthy or disgusting, they have to let you go.

But I really can't think of anything
filthy and disgusting that...

you haven't already done on your show.

Dorothy, it's Julie.

Listen, there's sort of an emergency.
Well, I mean, it's not really an emergency,

but if you get a chance, would you call me?

- Are you sure you wanna do this?
- No, but I'm going to.

Oh, I've been fooling myself
about Ron for too long now.

I guess I really wanted you here
for moral support, Dorothy.

Although I actually did fire
Mrs. Crawley today. I really did.

- Did you want a drink?
- I'm not the one breaking up with Ron.

I'd buy a ticket to that.

You have influenced me though, Dororthy.
I've been seeing Ron through your eyes lately.

Julie, I don't want that responsibility.

Why not? Why shouldn't you influence me?

You wouldn't compromise
your feelings like I have.

You wouldn't live this kind of lie, would you?

Well, no, I wouldn't, but...

- Of course not. And you're right. It's just...
- What?

I deserve something better, you know.
I don't have to settle for this.

I really don't. It's just that I've always been
too lazy or too scared or too something.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

What the hell. I'll live, won't I?

Maybe not happily, but honestly.

Sounds like something you'd say.

Julie, you mustn't idealize me.
Honesty, in many ways, is a relative term.

Listen, my father's coming.

If he calls, don't tell him
anything about this, okay?

He's driving down tonight.
I'm sure he's gonna want to see you.

Me?

Oh, God.

It's Ron.

Oh, Dorothy, God bless you.

Wish me luck now.

Always.

I feel that little mustache. Maybe
you should put some makeup on it.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How you doing?

- What's going on?
- Dorothy's gonna sit with Amy.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Hi, honey.

You don't mind, if I call you honey
when we're not working, do you?

Nice dress.

Thank you.

You don't like me, do you?

I mean, I can respect that,

but there's not many women
I can't make like me.

Why don't you like me?

I don't like the way you treat Julie.

- Oh?
- Mm-hm.

I don't like the way you patronize her,
I don't like the way you deceive her,

I don't like the way you lie to her.

- What do you mean?
- You want me to go on?

No, I know what you mean.

Look, Dorothy, I never promised
Julie I'd be exclusive.

I never said I wouldn't see other women.

It's just that I know she doesn't
want me to see other women,

so, I lie to her to keep from hurting her.

That's very convenient.

No, wait a minute.
Look at it from my side.

See, if a woman wants me to seduce her...

I usually do.

But then she starts pretending
like I promised her something.

Then I start pretending like
I promised her something.

I mean, in the end,
I'm the one that's exploited.

Bullshit, Ron!

You know what?

I understand you a lot better
than you think I do.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

I'm ready.

- Well, Julie's ready.
- She sure is.

Oh, Dorothy, she never wakes up.

But in case she does, there's
a little applesauce in the fridge.

You can just give her a couple spoonfuls.

I'm sure she'll...
Are you sure you're gonna be okay?

Don't be silly. How much trouble
can a baby be? Go on.

It's okay. Oh, it's okay.

Oh, please don't cry.
Please don't cry. Please don't...

Oh, I love you. I love you.

Look how much fun we're having.

It's all right. It's all right.

It's okay. It's Uncle Dorothy.

Please don't cry.
Please don't cry. Please...

Oh, come on. Oh, here's funny clown.

Funny clown's talking to... Here, look.

Come on, Amy. Hello, Amy.

Amy, give me a break, will you?

Here, come on.
Will you eat some more now?

You told me to open up this one.
Now, this is apri...

Gotcha! Gotcha!

You want a little more apricot?

Don't do that anymore now.
Don't do that to Aunt Dorothy.

Come on, you're gonna go to sleep after this.

Just try this one, and then I'll put you...

I don't like you. It's not funny.

Amy, look at this.

She's gonna probably
have to paint the kitchen.

Here, look at yourself.
You see what a bad girl looks like?

Dorothy?

I'll be right there.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How's Amy? Is she any trouble?

Oh, not at all. She was an angel.

Are you all right?

Fine.

What's the matter?

Julie?

Tell the truth now.
Are you sure you're all right?

No.

Why?

Who am I gonna have dinner with?

Oh, God! I hate myself for being like this.

- You know something funny?
- What?

And I don't want you
to take this the wrong way.

But since I met you, I'm so grateful
to have you as a friend.

And yet, at the same time...

I've never felt lonelier in my whole life.

It's as though I want something
that I just can't have.

You know what I mean?

Do you?

- Dorothy?
- Julie...

- My God!
- Let me explain.

No, please, don't say anything.

- But there's a reason.
- I understand the reason.

No, no, no. That reason is not the reason.
You see, I'm not the person you think I am.

- Just wait a minute, now. Easy.
- Nobody is.

- Dorothy, it's me.
- No, it's me.

- No, it's me.
- No, it's me.

Not, it's me. I'm just not well-adjusted enough.

I mean, I'm sure I've got the same impulses.
I mean, obviously, I did have the same impulses.

Don't jump to conclusions about that impulse.
That impulse is a good impulse, Julie.

If you could just see me out of these clothes--

No, no, no, no!

What?

Oh, my God, that's my father.

- You've got to tell him.
- Tell him?

- Tell him.
- Tell him what?

That's a corncob.

Hello?

Hi, Dad.

Fine.

I'm here with Dorothy.

No, I can't tonight, Daddy. Wait a second.

- Dorothy...
- What?

Listen, you've got to see him.
I don't care what you tell him,

- I can't.
- just don't lead him on.

- Please don't make me do this.
- Dorothy, I plead you.

You gotta let him down gently.

- I can't.
- You owe me that.

Hello?

Hi, Les. I'm fine. How are you?

Tonight, sure... Tonight?!

- What'll you have, Dorothy?
- Just water.

- Water and bourbon.
- On second thought, straight scotch.

Scotch and bourbon.

I'd like to...

- Let's dance.
- What?

- It's my favorite dance.
- Oh, really, I don't dance.

- You'll love it.
- What?

- Follow me. Follow me.
- Please, I don't... I don't... I don't...

You know what? I'd... Really, I'd rather not.

- Just relax.
- You're very good.

- My wife and I took a course.
- I could tell at once.

- Emily, we love you.
- You're fabulous!

- You're wonderful. Wonderful.
- Just wonderful.

- You're even prettier in person.
- Thank you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I forgot
that you're on your feet all day.

- Come on, sit down.
- Yes, I think we should stop.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

I was real happy you could
come out tonight.

I know you usually got a lot of lines to learn.

- Les, there's something I'd better say.
- There's something I wanna say too.

Wouldn't it be funny, if we both
wanted to say the same thing?

It would be hilarious, but I don't think that
what I have to say is what you have to say.

Well, mine's pretty simple.
I'm not too good with words anyway.

You know, I only took two pictures
in my whole life...

my high-school graduation
and my wedding.

And my wife was standing
next to me in both of them.

I never thought I'd want
anybody to fill her place.

All that changed last weekend.

- Lester.
- Lesley.

- Lesley...
- Don't interrupt me.

I gotta do this in one go,
or I won't get through it.

I know this is kind of quick,
but that's how I am.

Never did believe in not getting down to it.

Oh!

- Don't say anything now.
- Oh, no!

- I know it's fast.
- Gee, I don't...

- But take time to think about it.
- Please...

And if the answer is no, at least I'll feel you
took me seriously enough to think about it.

Would you mind, dear?
I just need to be alone.

I'd like to start thinking it over
as soon as possible.

Dorothy?

This is a nightmare.

Don't be angry with me.
I just had to talk to you.

- How did you know where I live, John?
- I followed you home last night.

- What? Followed me home?
- I just didn't have the courage

to talk to you on the phone
without seeing your face.

- Could I come up for a drink?
- No!

You cannot come up.
I have a terrible headache. No!

Oh, please! I'll only take
a tiny moment of your time.

No, no! I'll see you on the set
tomorrow, and we'll talk about it.

Go home. Have you been drinking?

# I'll know when my love comes along #

Oh, Jesus.

# I'll know then and there #

# I'll know at the sight of his face #

Are you out of your cotton-picking mind?

Come on up! I'm on the third floor!

Hurry before someone calls the cops!

Jesus!

Come in, John, but you can just stay a minute.

Can I have a drink?
Anything alcoholic will do.

- Just one drink, and I'll be on my way.
- Oh, all right, but...

Nice mirror.

Here.

What is it that couldn't wait, John?

- Dorothy...
- What?

I'm... I'm just an untalented old has-been.

Were you ever famous?

- No.
- Then how can you be a has-been?

I love the way you never let me
get away with anything.

- Dorothy...
- Yes?

- I want you.
- I beg your pardon?

I've never wanted a woman this much!

Oh, please, John! Please!
Perhaps another time.

- Turn me away, it'll kill me!
- It's not you personally.

I don't want to get involved
emotionally at this time.

Then I'll take straight sex.

- I don't wanna hurt you!
- I don't mind.

Oh, shit!

John Van Horn, Jeff Slater.

Jeff Slater, John Van Horn.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- I'll be going.
- I think it's best.

- Gee, I hope I haven't...
- No, I hope I haven't.

I want you to know, for the record, Jeff,

that nothing happened here tonight.

Thank you, John.

I'm sorry, Dorothy.

I didn't understand. I'm really sorry.

Please don't talk about this.

My lips are sealed.

You slut!

Look, don't start in with me. Don't do that.

Rape is not a laughing matter.

That guy wanted me.

You cannot believe
the night I have had tonight!

- I think I can imagine.
- Oh, no, you can't.

I saw the look in his eyes.
I was in big trouble.

If you don't come in,
I'm in the Daily News the next morning.

How did you ever let him in here?

What do you mean how did I let him
in here? He was singing!

- Is he that good a singer?
- What do you...?

That's him! That's him!

Tell him I'm in the bedroom crying.
Don't let him in!

- Michael.
- It's Sandy!

Sandy? It's Sandy? It's Sandy.

I can't let her see me like this.

I hear you in there.

Jeff, open the door. It's me, Sandy.
Open the door!

- Sandy, is that you?
- Yes, it's me!

What time is it? I fell asleep, I guess.

I was having a nightmare,
and you were in it.

Mike is in the shower.

I'm in the shower! I got soap
in my eyes! I'll be right out!

Sandy, I'm not dressed.
All my clothes are in the other room.

I was asleep. I was dreaming.

Funny, you were in my dream.
You had really big teeth,

- but you were still a nice person.
- I had big what?

- I gotta get something on. I'll be right back.
- Are you having a party or something?

I'm in the shower! Turn on the water!

It's stuck! I got soap in my eyes,
and there's no water coming out!

Michael!

I can't come out! I got soap in my eyes!

Jeff, open the door!

I can hear you in there, you guys.
Open the door! Michael!

- Open this door.
- The door was open.

You must think I'm really stupid
or something.

No one would call you stupid to your face.

Jeff, I've been out there for 10 minutes.

It sounded like you guys were having
a party in here or something.

Well, Michael's in the shower. You know.

Hi, Sandy, I was taking a shower.

- Yeah, he was in the shower.
- I was in the shower.

- Good shower?
- Good shower.

Why haven't you returned
my phone calls, Michael?

Since I'm awake, I think
I'll go do some writing. Excuse me.

Wait a second, I'll be right back.
I got a present for you.

Pigs!

I'm glad you came over.
I've been meaning to give this to you.

- Here, it's for you.
- Oh!

- I suppose this means nothing is wrong, huh?
- Nothing is. Is it?

Well, Michael, I've called you
every night this week,

- you haven't returned my calls,
- Really?

- You treat me like I'm a jerk or something.
- What are you talking about?

I called you every night,
and you didn't return my phone calls.

- No, it's...
- I just wanted to talk to you about the play.

It's my new answering machine
and it's no good.

- I'm gonna answer my own phone calls.
- Don't use machines.

You know what? I went to six defferent
stores to get you your favorite kind.

- Chocolate-covered cherries?
- Yeah.

That's sweet. Oh, and a card.

Oh, yeah. No, no!
No, no, no! Don't read that!

I was very, very, very angry when I wrote that!

"Thank you for the lovely night
in front of the fire.

"Missing you, Les."

This isn't for me!
This is another girl's candy!

I wouldn't give you another
girl's candy, I swear.

- Well, then, whose is it?
- Mine.

A guy named Les is sending you candy?

Yes. He's a friend of mine.
He can't eat candy. He's diabetic.

Why is he thanking you for
a lovely night in front of the fire?

My mind's a blank.

Michael...

Are you gay?

In what sense?

Michael, just be honest with me.
Tell me the truth!

For once in your life, tell me the truth.

Because these stories,
they are very demeaning to me.

No matter how bad the truth is,

it doesn't tear you apart inside
like dishonesty. Dishonesty!

At least it leaves you with
some self-respect and some dignity.

You're right.

Okay. Okay.

I'm not gonna lie to you anymore.

I'm gonna tell you the truth. Sandy...

I'm in love with another woman.

- What are you saying to me?!
- Sandy, wait a minute.

- Sandy, please. Don't... Sandy!
- You liar! You liar!

- Sandy, we never said we loved each other.
- Why do you do this to me?

- We went to bed one time.
- I don't care. I don't base things...

- Sandy, I'm crazy about you.
- ...on advice that say I love you to people.

- You're one of the dearest friends I ever have.
- That's all lies.

But let's not pretend it was something else.
We're gonna lose everything we had.

I never said, "I love you".
I don't care about "I love you".

I read 'The Second Sex'!
I read 'The Cinderella Complex'!

I'm responsible for my own orgasms!
I don't care!

I just don't like to be lied to!

- You asked me to be straight with you.
- When I met you, I knew this was right.

I didn't tell you how I'd feel about it,
though, did I?

- Oh, please. Tell me what can I do for you?
- There's nothing you can do for me.

I just have to feel like this,
until I don't feel like this anymore,

and you're gonna have to know that
you're the one that made me feel this way.

You're a shmuck!

- Aren't we still friends?
- No, we're not friends.

I don't take this shit from friends,
only from lovers.

- Wait a minute, what about the play?
- Yes, what about the play?

I think I should tell you to shove your play.

But I won't, because
I never allow personal despair

to interfere with my
professional commitments.

I am a professional actress!

So, are these real
chocolate-covered cherries?

I think so.

- See you at rehearsal.
- Oh, Sandy!

Don't call me.

It's 2 o'clock in the morning, Michael.
Can't this wait?

I don't care what time it is, man.
You got 10 days to get me off this show.

- I've had it!
- It's impossible!

Then I'm getting a new agent, George.
I've had it with you!

- What are you doing? You hurt my feelings.
- I'm sorry.

- What happened? Something with Sandy?
- Yes, yes!

I mean, she thinks I'm gay. I told her
about Julie. She thinks I'm gay.

- Julie thinks you're gay?
- No, my friend Sandy.

- I mean, it's crazy
- Well, sleep with her.

- I slept with her once, and she still thinks I'm gay.
- Oh, that's not so good, Michael.

Look, I gotta get back to my life. You got
wall-to-wall lawyers in that office, right?

There must be some kind of a way
to get me out of this show now.

We've been through this a million times.

Why can't I die?
Why can't Dorothy have an accident?

I mean, we can use our imaginations.
This isn't the toughest problem.

You wanna kill somebody
and bring me back the stiff,

that's okay, but she'd better
look exactly like you.

Because I'll tell you something,
those people don't miss a trick.

These are nice people.
These are good people, George.

Something is too weird about you.

Since when do you care so much
about what other people feel?

I mean, if I didn't love Julie before,

you should've seen the look on her face
when she thought I was a lesbian.

Lesbian? You just said gay.

No, no, no. Sandy thinks I'm gay.
Julie thinks I'm a lesbian.

- I thought Dorothy was supposed to be straight.
- Dorothy is straight.

Les, the sweetest, nicest man in the world
tonight asked me to marry him.

A guy named Les wants you to marry him?

Yeah. No, wants to marry Dorothy.

- Does he know she's a lesbian?
- Dorothy is not a lesbian!

- I know that, but does he know that?
- Know what?

That... Well... I don't know.

You know he gave me a ring?
He gave me a diamond ring.

- What did you say?
- What do you mean? I said...

"I got to think it over."

I went in the ladies' room, I almost
pissed in the sink. I'm in trouble, man!

Thirteen's up. Ready 14.

Cross and widen E. Pull Three to 130.

- Cut it.
- Stop tape.

We're gonna take a short break, people.

Hold it, hold it!
Slight change of plans, children.

Our future ex-tape editor has just
spilled a bottle of celery tonic

all over the second reel
of the show airing today.

So we have to redo Emily's party scene, live.

- Live?!
- Quick, quick, like little bunnies.

You have 26 minutes.
Get into wardrobe and reset.

- But Rita!
- Don't worry about it, John.

You've only got a few lines.

Well, I don't see why we can't use the tape.

Just because it's a little sticky.

You have to explain to them that
the hours have to be flexible.

No...

Well, and I would...

Can I call you back? Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

My God, Dorothy! I just... Really, I can't.

It's for Amy.

Oh, thanks.

That's nice.

- Julie, I don't know how to say this, but...
- I really wish you wouldn't.

I understand that you weren't able
to tell my dad last night.

So I think it'd be better for all of us,
if I tried to explain it to him.

Look, Dorothy, I wouldn't be honest,
if I didn't tell you

how much you've meant to me
these past couple of weeks.

You taught me how to stand up for myself,
because you always stand up for yourself.

You taught me to stop hiding
and just be myself,

because you're always yourself.

And I'm grateful to you.

But...

Well, I just...

I just can't see you anymore, you know?

I just feel that it would be leading you on.
It wouldn't be fair to you.

I really love you, Dorothy.

But I can't...

I can't love you.

Places, everybody. Immediately!

15 seconds to commercial.

I don't care how you get there.

But this is the most important night
in Emily Kimerbly's life.

And we're all going to be there
to honor her, including you.

Stand by. Quiet, please,
on the floor. Stand by.

22 and 23 come down to 18.

Hold it, hold it. That's good.

Five, four, three...

Let us all raise our glasses to our
guest of honor, Miss Emily Kimberly.

Emily, we're all looking forward to
having you grace us with your presence

for many years to come.

Thank you, Gordon. I cannot
tell you all how deeply moved I am.

I've never in my wildest dreams

imagined that I would be the object
of so much genuine affection.

Uh-oh.

It makes it all the more difficult for me
to say what I'm now going to say.

Yes.

I do feel it's time to set the record straight.

You see, I didn't come here just
as an administrator, Dr. Brewster.

I came to this hospital to settle an old score.

What score?

Now, you all know that my father was
a brilliant man and he built this hospital.

What you don't know is that to his family,

he was an unmerciful tyrant.
An absolute dodo bird.

Oh, no! Not live.

- Get her back to the prompter.
- Wait, let's see where she gets with it.

...my mother, his wife, to drink.

In fact, she went riding one time
and lost all her teeth.

What?! What?!

...and the oldest daughter, the pretty one,
the charming one, became pregnant,

when she was 15 years old
and was driven out of the house.

In fact, she was so terrified that she would...

that the baby daughter would bear
the stigma of illegitimacy

that she decided to change her name
and she contracted a disfiguring disease...

...after moving to Tangiers, which is where
she raised little the girl as her sister.

But her one ambition...

Any preference of shots on this one, Rita?

...was to become a nurse.

So, she returned to the States
and joined the staff right here

at Southwest General.

She worked here,
she knew she had to speak out

wherever she saw injustice and inhumanity.

God save us! You do understand that,
don't you Dr. Brewster?

I never laid a hand on her.

Yes, you did. And she was shunned
by all you nurses too.

Give me something, One.
I don't need backs.

Two and Three, go left and right.

No, Two, go left! Three, go right!

You doctors, who found her
outspokenness threatening you.

But she was deeply, deeply,
deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply loved

- by her brother.
- Her brother?

It was this brother,
who on the day of her death

swore to the good Lord above
that he would follow in her footsteps.

And, and, and...

...just, just, just...

Don't, don't, don't... panic.

...owe it all up to her, but on her terms!

- God, here come the terms.
- As a woman,

and just as proud to be a woman,

as she ever was...

for I am not Emily Kimberly,

the daughter of Dwayne

and Alma Kimberly.

No, I'm not.

I'm Edward Kimberly, the reckless
brother of my sister Anthea.

Holy Christ!

Edward Kimberly, who is finally
vindicated his sister's good name.

I'm Edward Kimberly.

Edward Kimberly!

- I'll be damned!
- I'm not mentally ill, but proud and lucky

and strong enough to be the woman
that was the best part of my manhood.

The best part of myself.

That is one nutty hospital.

I knew there was a reason
she didn't like me!

- Commercial.
- Cut it!

And cut!

Does Jeff know?

Hey, Robert.

Hi, Les.

Get him!

All right!

Come on, get him! Get him!
Get him! Oh, come on!

- I thought you'd want it back.
- Outside.

Give it to me outside.

Why'd you do it?

I needed the work.

The only reason you're still living
is because I never kissed you.

I hope you enjoyed the chocolates.

I gave them to a girl.

So did I, I thought.

Do you like them?

- Chocolates?
- Girls.

I like Julie.

I think I love Julie.

Wearing a dress is a funny way to show it.

I know. I apologize.

The truth is, you were okay company.

So were you.

I could have done without the dancing.

You know, you're very good.

- I'm seeing a real nice woman now.
- Oh, really?

You think I didn't check her out?

Can I buy you a beer?

You got six bits, yeah.

Can I have a couple of beers?

Does Julie ever mention me?

Taxi!

Thank you.

Hi.

I saw your father.

I drove up to see him
in that bar he hangs out at.

He doesn't hang out there.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

- How's Amy?
- Fine.

Your dad and I had a couple of beers
and shot a good game of pool.

We had a really good time together.

How's it going?

Terry Bishop's back on the show.
April has lost her radiology license...

- I meant with you.
- I know what you meant.

So you're pretty hot
after your unveiling, Michael.

What's your next triumph?

Well, I'm gonna do this play with
a couple of friends up in Suracuse--

- Good. I've gotta catch a cab, Michael.
- Julie...

Can I call you sometime?

Look, I don't want to hold you up.

I just did it for the work.
I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

Especially you.

I miss Dorothy.

You don't have to.

She's right here.

And she misses you.

Look, you don't know me from Adam.

But I was a better man with you, as a woman

than I ever was with a woman, as a man.

You know what I mean?

I just gotta learn to do it without the dress.

I mean, at this point in our relationship

there might be an advantage
to my wearing pants.

The hard part's over, you know?

We were already...

good friends.

Will you loan me that little yellow outfit?

Which one?

- The Halston.
- The Halston?

Oh, no!

- You'll ruin it.
- Michael!

- You'll spill wine all over it.
- I will not.

I'll loan it to you, but you gotta
give it back. It's my favorite.

What are you gonna use it for?

[It Might Be You, by Stephen Bishop]

♪ Time, I've been passing time,
watching trains go by ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly ♪

♪ Wishing there would be ♪

♪ Someone waiting home for me ♪

♪ Something's telling me it might be you ♪

♪ Yeah, it's telling me it might be you ♪

♪ So many quiet walks to take ♪

♪ So many dreams to wake ♪

♪ And we've so much love to make ♪

♪ I think we're gonna need some time ♪

♪ Maybe all we need is time ♪

♪ And it's telling me it might be you ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ I've been saving love songs and lullabies ♪

♪ And there's so much more ♪

♪ No one's ever heard before ♪

♪ Something's telling me it might be you ♪

♪ Yeah, it's telling me it must be you ♪

♪ And I'm feeling it'll just be you ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ It's you ♪

♪ I've been waiting for all of my life ♪

♪ Maybe it's you
It's you ♪

♪ I've been waiting for all of my life ♪

♪ Maybe it's you
It's you ♪

♪ I've been waiting for all of my life ♪♪