Toonstone (2014) - full transcript

♪

[instrumental music playing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Dalton] Suppose you're
wondering how a man gets
buried alive in the desert.

Well, it wasn't my choice,
I can assure you that.

Like most stories
of this nature,

it all started in a bar.

[guitar music playing]



♪ Pork and beans
in my tum, yum, yum ♪

[man]
Get off the stage,
you--

♪ Heck, I'm gonna
get me some mo-o-ore ♪

♪ Pork and beans...

[gunshot]
[booing]

[whooshing]

[spurs clinking]

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Frank, Frank, calm down.

Now, we don't want
any trouble in here.

I ain't here to make trouble,
Margaret. I'm here to drink.

How about I get you
the usual, then?

Damn straight, the usual.

I'm gonna get it right now.

Excuse me, sir.
Sorry.



Um... I'm sure
it was a mistake,

but I think you
accidentally shot
the neck of my guitar.

Now, Dalton, I think
you should just
let this one go.

Meet me outside...

and I'll pay you
for the guitar.

Sir, thank you.
I appreciate your
understanding of
the situation.

Now, come on.

Dalton...

[indistinct chatter]

What?

Why is there so many
people out here
watching you pay me,
I wonder.

Weird.

So, how much is that
guitar worth to you?

Well, um... Let's see.

The whole guitar is
not broken and...

it's just the neck here
and I guess these
strings are shot,
of course, but...

[Dalton] Well, I'm not gonna
put that on you 'cause,

you know, strings probably
only had a month
left in 'em, anyway.

Whereas, this tuning peg
is a little bent, but--

Go ahead and draw, boy.

- I'm sorry?
- Draw!

Frank, come on.
Leave him alone.

- What am I drawing?
- Your gun.

[laughing]
I don't have a gun.

I just got the
broken guitar.

[both laughing]

You don't have a gun?

I don't. Just--

Well, here. I'm a fair man.

Take mine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, hey, it's a gun.

Now, go ahead and draw.

Whoa!

Ow...

Holy shit.

[groaning]

[dramatic music playing]

[Dalton] Yep. I've shot a man.

All started going
downhill from there.

[dramatic music playing]

♪

[birds chirping]

Excuse me, Deputy.
Exactly how long
do I have to be
in this cell?

'Cause, you know, the whole
thing was an accident
and a misunderstanding.

Now, you listen. I understand
this was an accident.

Don't get your knickers
in a twist.

Is there any way I can
get something to eat?

Oh, uh...

Hey, there, Deputy.

What can I do you for?

Well, I got a bit
of bad news.

We found Sheriff Marshall
and all the other deputies
shot dead out in the desert.

- What? Oh no!
- Yeah.

It looks like they were
ambushed by outlaws.

Shit. You gotta be
kidding me.

No, as funny as that is,
I'm not.

Oh, man!

That's the guy that killed
Crazy Ass Frank, ain't it?

[whooping] Doggie!

I killed him accidentally.
I didn't mean to kill him.

That was a...
It was a big accident.

Wait, wait, wait.
What do you mean
it was an accident?

[stammering]
I didn't try to k...
It was an ac...

He owed me money,
he threw me a gun and--

It's okay, it's okay.
We're on the same team.

It was an "accident".

We get it, okay?
You killed him.
He's a bad guy.

Look, I got a crazy idea.

What's that?

Technically,
you're Sheriff
now, right?

I guess.

Well, you could
let him out

and he could
accidentally

go kill more outlaws.

No, I cannot. I don't--

Oh, lookie here.

I have accidentally
opened the front door.

And I'm pointing you
right towards
outlaw territory.

[door slams shut]

[eagles pealing]

What in the...

H... Uh...

Hey, uh...

Hey, there. Um...

[stammering]

Not sure you speak English.
Do you know where

Dildorado is?

Me speak English.
But me speaking to
land, right now.

To land?

Yeah. Land have much
to say.

- Really?
- Did you hear that?

No.

Land said something
funny about you.

- Like what?
- It don't matter.

- Well, what is it?
- Oh, cactus stop!

Him right here.

What does
he say about me?

I know he
can't hear you.

Why you need to go
to Dildorado?

I'm just uh...
Man, I gotta get
something to eat,

fix my guitar,
just a couple errands.

Land telling me,
me should go with you
on your journey.

Now, why would
land say that?

Me not know.
Me know me should
listen to land.

Well if you want to.
I mean--

Yeah, me need to
come with you.

Okay. I'm Dalton.

What's your name?

How. Me Acondo.

How! Good to meet you, Acondo.

This Khan.
Him have gray hair.

[snorts]

[music playing]

[gunshot]

Whoo! Yeah! Woohoo!

Whoo woohoo!

Come on, my boy.
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up.

You deserve better.

Who the hell are you?

Him need to
show you respect.

- Shut up!
- Acondo, let's get out of--
- You should not
take that from him.

Horse, if you don't
giddy-up right now,

I'm gonna blow your
damn brains out.

You really should treat
your horse better.

Damn you. Damn you.

Aaah!

[thud]

[footsteps approaching]

Dagnammit, you just
killed Stinky Pinky.

Hey, everybody,
that man killed
Stinky Pinky.

Stinky Pinky's dead.

No, no, listen. I didn't
kill this man. I didn't--

You are our hero, sir.

- I'm not a hero.
- Bona fide hero.

We got ourselves a hero.

Guys, you ain't listening
to me. I didn't touch
this man. I didn't--

Say, what's your name?

My name is Dalton.

[gasping]

- What?
- Hey, everybody.

Everybody, come over here.
Here is Dalton.

- But I--
- Look at yourself.

- You're a hero.
- That's you in the paper.

I made the paper.

Hold it right there,
Stinky Pinky.

Put your hands where
I can see them.

Stinky Pinky's dead, Sheriff.
Dalton there, killed him.

Where were you?

I'll tell you
where I wasn't.

Around the corner,
watching.

Scared, like a little girl.

Sheriff, let me explain.

You're my hero, Dalton.

- Why would I be a h--
- You're a savior of this town.

- I did not save--
- Can you touch my hand?

Whoa, everybody.
Shut up. Shut up.
He don't wanna hear
your shit.

You're making
this weird.

You're making this
awkward for the hero.

Everyone of you
should be ashamed
of yourselves.

[everybody]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Dalton.

Guys don't be.
You don't have to
be sorry about that.

They should be sorry, Dalton.
They made this weird.

- No, listen.
- We didn't mean to

- ...make this weird.
- It's not weird.

It's weird but it's...

- It's embarrassing.
- Okay, okay.

- I'm gonna go.
- 'Cause it's weird?

- No, it's not weird. I'm--
- It's awkward too.

[everybody]
We understand. Sorry, Dalton.

No, it's good to
meet you all.

- You're good people.
- We ruined everything.

If I could just sneak
through here.

Excuse me, sir. You all
have a good one, okay?

All right, we will.

- Sorry for making this weird.
- Not weird.

♪

♪ Yippiya yippiyay
yippiya yippiyo ♪

♪ Yippiya yippiyay
yippiya yippiyo ♪

♪ I travel to the desert away from my home ♪

♪ I was tired, I was hungry. I traveled alone ♪

♪ And then, I met Acondo, and he was my friend ♪

♪ And now, with Acondo, I'll see it again ♪

♪ Yippiya yippiyay
yippiya yippiyo ♪

♪ Yippiya yippiyay
yippiya yippiyo ♪

♪ Yippiya yippiyay
yippiya yippiyo ♪

♪ Yippiya yippiyay
yippiya yippiyo-o-o ♪

♪

Oh, snap. That sounded
as sweet as honey.

Acondo, I might be
losing my mind.

But did this horse
just lay down a harmony
on my song?

He did, it sounded beautiful.

- You're a talking horse!
- Was I off-key?

- Was I all right?
- No, it was great.

But you're a
talking horse!

- It was dead on, though.
- He was good, he was good!

- Really?
- How did you... What?

As a rule, I normally
don't speak in front
of people, because uh...

Well, 'cause they
freak out!

Okay, I get it.

You do get it, Dalton.
That's why I trust you.

Ah. Well, thank you.
This is amazing!

It's amazing!

What your name, horse?

The name is
McConaughorse.

Sometimes, I go by
White Lightning.

Me heard of
White Lightning.

- Yeah, you fast horse.
- Very fast horse.

- Silky mane.
- Thank you.

[voice in the distance]
Ow...

Did you all
hear that?

[coughing]

Sir. Sir. What happened here?

- What happened?
- Oh, thank goodness.

Okay.

I've been stabbed.

Yeah, I see that.

- I see that. Okay, all right.
- I need help. I need help.

I'm gonna pull it out.
Here we go.

Oh, no, no, no!

Dalton, wait.
That bad idea.

You made bleeding worse.
Him die faster.

Oh boy, okay.

Okay, putting it back in.
Here we go.

Dalton, that wrong hole.

Oh no, no, no. I never
know what I'm doing.

Okay I'll try it again.

Okay, here's the right hole.
That's the right hole.

Stop trying to help me,
you stupid bastard.

Okay, hands off.
I'm not touching you.

- I'm not gonna touch you.
- Why did you...

I didn't mean to, sir.
I'm trying to help.

Oh! Stick with me.

- Stick with me.
- I'm losing it.

Okay, stick with me.
We'll bring you to town--

I'm cool, I'm cool.
Listen, I'll be okay.

Okay.

How, he's dead, isn't he?

Him dead. Him not stick
with you, like you said.

Oh, man. I didn't mean to.
I was just trying to help him.
I'm not a doctor.

- No, you're not a doctor.
- That's a lot of blood.

All right. Let's bring
him to Toonstone.

- What?
- We'll bury him there.

- We can bury him here, though.
- It's on me, now.

I messed up.

Okay, well. Let's throw
him up on the horse.

What'd you say?

Throw him up on you.

No, sir. What, that?

- Well, yeah.
- That dead body?

- Of course.
- No, no, no. Uh-huh.

- What's the problem?
- In horse?

- What?
- I'm horse now?

Well, I'm sorry,
you know I didn't--

Let's throw him up
on the human, Acondo.

Can we throw him
on the buffalo?

Hold on.

Me ask Khan.

[dramatic music playing]

♪

And, my friends,
if I'm elected Sheriff,

I guarantee that the
outlaw problem in this town
will be solved overnight

Now hold it
right there, Raleigh.

I need to address
these rumors that
you're spreading
about me.

Now, now, now, just
wait a minute, Finch.

I never said any
of those things

and I don't know how
anyone found that
information out.

And son, there's no shame in
being a yellow bellied coward
that runs from kittens.

I don't run from kittens,
I'm allergic to kittens.

My eyes get all
freaked out, man.

That sounds good, Finch.
I'm a be over here.

Really?

Hi, excuse me,
I couldn't help
but overhear.

You running
for Sheriff?

Yes, yes, I am.

Well, you're a new face.

Oh, yeah. We just
stumbled into town.
I'm a traveling musician.

My name's Dalton.

Well, I'm Finch.

And you could
vote for me, tomorrow,

'cause a vote for Finch
is a vote for Toonstone.

I might just do that,
if I can. Listen.

I used to wet the bed
when I was young.
Don't feel ashamed.

I don't wet the bed.

- Finch!
- Mayor.

Finch. How you doing, boy?

I'm doing great.

We got a little,
tiny, insignificant,
sort of big problem

Okay?

Well, Raleigh's on
the ballot, son.

And, you're...
Well you're not.

What do you mean
I'm not on the ballot?

Hold on now.

I've put on the ballot,
a space for you,
just titled "Other"

which people can write in
your name and vote for Finch.

Finch for Sheriff,
everybody.

How does this happen?
I'm the first one.
I started this.

Well, you gotta understand.
Bureaucracy, paperwork.

Yeah, yeah, of course.
I'm surprised Raleigh's
even on there. Huh?

Well, yeah, yeah.

So I guess it's
at least good for him.

It does work
that way sometimes.

Who is your friend
over here?

My name's Dalton, sir.
It's good to meet you.

Good to meet you,
Mr. Dalton.

- Yes, sir.
- Dalton?

- Dalton.
- I know that name.

- Yeah, Dalton. Really?
- Well, yeah.

I read that name
in the paper.

Well, I wrote a song
about pork and beans--

Did you kill
Crazy Ass Frank?

- Are you that Dalton?
- You are that...

- He is.
- It was kind of an acc--

Holy damn dog shit.

We have a bona fide hero
in our midst,
ladies and gentlemen.

Everybody, this here
is Dalton,
the outlaw killer.

I wouldn't say
I was a hero,
I mean, that's kinda--

Drinks all around
and they are on me.

Tonight is a
celebration.

Vote for other.

[upbeat music playing]

♪

♪

[gasps]

Oh, man!

Where's my guitar?

[footsteps]

Yep. That's bright.

- Hey, Finch.
- Yeah?

You seen my
guitar anywhere?

Yeah, you gave it
to Tom last night.

Who's Tom?

He owns the
general store.
You don't remember?

Oh, there he is!
Messed up Dalton,
our brand new Sheriff.

You were in a tight race.
Oh, who am I kidding?

It was a landslide victory,
my boy. You should be
proud of yourself.

Whoa whoa whoa
what are you talking about?
You said Sheriff.

- Yeah.
- Sheriff?

Yeah.

I'm the... You said
I was the Sheriff.

Yeah, you are the sher--

But I can't be sher--

Oh, quit playing games.

No, I wasn't even
on the ballot.

This is what I don't get.
Okay, how did Dalton's name
get on the ballot

and I was still "Other"?

Well we obviously couldn't
have had two "Others"?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

So, Mr. Dalton

people demanding
a speech from you
right now.

So if you please,
come with me.

I don't have a speech,
I don't have a speech.

[people yelling]
speech

Just give us
the speech!

- I'm not ready.
- Okay, okay.

Here. I prepared
something. Just take
my speech.

Just take it.
Just take it!

Okay, okay.

[applause and cheering]

Thank you.
Thank you.

[applause and cheering]

[clears throat]

Citizens of Toonstone.

I'm honored to be
elected your Sheriff.

I know we all suffered
a horrible loss

when Sheriff Thompson
was gunned down
in cold blood by
Trigger Happy Wilson?

Oh, yeah,
it was a tragedy.

And when Sheriff Rickets
was disemboweled--

Have you all
lost your minds?

We cannot elect
this guy Sheriff.

We don't even know
anything about him.

Now, Miss Gail,
calm down, please.

I will not calm down!

This man strolls
into town last night,

gets drunk, and
now he's Sheriff?

Wait, everybody.

I just found a body
on the back of the buffalo
that the Injun brought in.

[people gasp]

That is what
I'm talking about.

Dalton is out there,
running around,
with these people,
just killing folks.

No, no, no. Acondo
is innocent, y'all!

It was an accident.
I killed that man.

Holy shit!

This is Trigger Happy Wilson.

Trigger Happy Wilson?

Sheriff Dalton must have
snuck off into the night

like a sly fox.

And he done killed
an outlaw.

[man] let's hear it
for Dalton!

[everybody cheering]
Dalton! Dalton! Dalton!

[mayor] Well, looks like
Mr. Trigger Happy Wilson
has seen his last day.

Wouldn't you agree,
Mr. Dalton?

I guess so.

Well, this is your desk.
Over there is the cell
where you can place
the outlaws.

And I'm just gonna leave
you to your business.
You have a nice day.

Listen, Mayor.

I'm not qualified
for this job.

[laughs]

Son, don't give me that.

No, sir. I can't be
your Sheriff.

Of course, you can
be our Sheriff.

Boy, you've killed three
of the most dangerous
outlaws in these parts.

I'm aware of all that but
I'm just saying--

Now, Mayor, just
wait one second.

I think this charade
with Mr. Dalton
has gone on long enough.

Oh, Mr. Raleigh,
you're not sore
about last night,
are you?

With all due respect,
just hear me out, sir.

Mr. Dalton has been here
a total of one day

and all of a sudden,
he is Sheriff and
protector of this town?

We don't know
a damn thing
about him.

Exactly. Now, I see where
Raleigh's coming from, sir.
Here's what I'm trying to say.

I know nothing about
law or anything.
I'm just a simple
musician, sir.

A musician?

- Yes, sir. I just--
- So, you play music?

Absolutely.

Yeah, well you can play
down at the saloon tonight.

I would like to but--

You ought to be able to
play down there every night.

- But why?
- Well, because you're Sheriff.

People want to listen to
what you have to say.
And I'll tell you what.

You keep killing
outlaws like you do,

people are gonna come
from miles around
just to hear your music.

I never quite thought
of it that way.

♪

This is a new way of
looking at things.

[man yelling outside]
Dalton!

What was that?

[man]
Dalton, get your ass
out here.

Who is that?

[man]
Dalton, son of a bitch,
you killed my brother.

Oh no. Sweet baby Zeus!

That there is
Crazy Ass Bill.

Crazy Ass Bill?
I ca--

- [man] Dalton!
- Oh!

[laughing]

Well, Dalton, I suppose
you should put
your Sheriff badge on

and walk out there
and handle your business.

Sir, I shouldn't be
doing this. Raleigh,
he can still be
Sheriff, right?

No, Mr. Dalton.
You're Sheriff.

You gotta handle
this problem.

Good luck to ya, Sheriff.

Dalton, I know
you're in there.

Get your ass out here,
you dead son of a bitch!

Hey, there, Bill.
How can I help you, sir?

I want you to look at me.

- Okay.
- Look at my eyes.

All right.

And listen to what
I'm saying right now.

I'm listening.

When you killed my brother,
my heart filled with fire.

Fire only quenched
with your blood.

That... that...

That was beautiful, Bill.

What?

That was plum beautiful, Bill.
You just came up with that?

Well, yeah.

Well, you must be
a poet or something.

'Cause that was music
to my ears.
I'm a musician.

All right? When I hear
good lyrics,

I, uh...

- Wow.
- Oh, man. Um...

It's weird, 'cause no one
has ever pointed that.
Thank you.

Absolutely. You need
to get that down
on paper.

Well, listen. If you
like that, that's only
the tip of the iceberg.

'Cause I threaten the shit
out of people everyday
and I come up with stuff

and you know, I see
the appreciation
on their face.

Now, you got a knack.
You got a real knack for that.

[Dalton sings]
♪ Pork and beans
in my tum ♪

♪ Yum, yeah.
Yum, yum, yum. ♪

What do you think, Bill?

Dalton, you ever been
in a situation where

a little kid shows you
a picture

something he drew and
it's just god awful but
you wanna be nice?

Well, I'm sorry
you don't like it, Bill.

Come on, Dalton.
Ain't you ever
been in love?

Or you've been sad
about something?

Well, I've been sad
a whole bunch of times,
yeah, but I've never
been in love.

You know what, Dalton?

I'm gonna fix you.

How you gonna do that?

I'm gonna open
your eyes, Dalton.

'Cause there's songs
all around you.

You just ain't
found them yet.

Open my eyes...

Yeah. I reckon I need to
open my eyes a little bit.

Hey. I'm gonna go see
if my guitar is ready.

- You need anything?
- No, no, I'm good.

Okay, hey, I'll see you
in a few.

- Oh! Hey, watch a doing, man?
- Going to--

I thought we were
just writing songs.

We were writing songs.

I didn't know you were
gonna lock me up.

Well, you're still
an outlaw.

I mean, we are still
gonna write songs,
but I can't let you out
on the streets.

But I thought
me and you was like--

No, we're good.

This is good, believe me.
You sure you don't
need nothing?

How about the key?

[laughs]

That's a good one.
Oh, hell no.

You know, I wouldn't
wanna be an outlaw,
right now.

Not with me and Dalton
out there, you know,

fighting crime
and what not.
So uh...

It's not a life
for everybody.
I'll tell you that.

It's a dangerous life.

Most law horses
don't live past five.

But it's a risk
I'm willing to take.

[munching]

- Hey, Dalton. Dalton.
- Hey.

There's my partner.

- How you doing man?
- Good. How you doing?

I'm great man.
How you digging
being Sheriff?

At first, scared.
Now, seeing
the opportunity.

- Oh, man, I'm loving it.
- Are you?

You know how much
attention I'm getting
just being the
Sheriff's horse?

Are you serious?

Oh, like you wouldn't
even believe it man.
It's crazy.

Oh, good for you, man.
That's great.

Hey, listen. When you
get a chance, I'd like
one of the uh...

- The what?
- The uh...

- It goes on your shirt.
- Neckerchief?

No, the star.

- Oh, the badge.
- Badge.

- You want a badge?
- Yes.

- A horse badge?
- Yes.

- Okay.
- Can I get one?

Well, I...

[footsteps]

Evening, sir.

[neighs]

[whinnies]

So, anyway, you think
you can get me a badge?

Yeah, I'll get
you a badge.
Not a problem.
You deserve it.

Well, you will
deserve it.

Dalton. How's our
new Sheriff doing?

Good. Tom, is it?

Listen. Your guitar
is not ready yet.

Oh. Um...

Oh, ma'am. You can
go ahead of me.

Pretty lady like you
shouldn't have to
wait for nothing.

- No sir. No cutsies.
- No cut--

Sign says no cutsies.

It sure does.

Well, I'm sorry.

Hey, I don't believe
we formally met.
My name's Dalton.

Hello, Sheriff.
I'm Gail.

It's nice to
meet you, Gail.

So how are things
going as Sheriff?

They're going okay.
I'm just, you know,

new at this and trying
to figure it all out.

Oh, that's just great.

The newcomer's
gotta figure it out.

Well, I feel
reassured already.

Who knows? Maybe when
the outlaws come back
to town,

you can just tell them
to hold on a second
while you figure it out.

Watch your mouth, Gail.

You know what, Tom?
I'm just gonna get
my stuff and go.

It's not your turn, Gail.
Dalton's in line.

Okay, Tom. So if my guitar
is not ready,

when might it be ready?

Parts won't be in
for a couple of days.

I could give you
a loaner until then.

She's not much
but she will
carry a tune.

Hey, thank you so much,
for the loaner.

And ma'am it's a pleasure,
pleasure to meet you.

Yeah, good luck trying
to catch those outlaws
with your guitar.

[crickets chirping]

Hey. Maybe I can
get a gun.
I could help you.

What would you do
with a gun,
McConaughorse?

I'd shoot outlaws, man.
Me and you, back to back.
Blazing.

I'm having a hard time
getting a visual here.

Why?

Well...

[crickets chirping]

Do you have anything
that does what a
finger would?

Okay, no. Let's
don't go here, Dalton.

I'm sorry.
We won't go there.

Hey, you guys.
What are you
talking about?

Oh, hey there, Finch.
Uh...

We're just admiring
the stars in the sky.
Look how gorgeous
they are this evening.

It's a clear night.

So, how are things
treating you, Sheriff?

Pretty good.
I can't complain, you know.

This is a magnificent
looking horse.
Whose horse is this?

That's my horse.

Wow, how much did
you pay for that?
It must have
cost you a fortune.

He just kinda
fell in my lap.
I didn't pay
anything for him.

You didn't pay anything
for this horse?

No, sir. Not a nickel.

- How's that happen?
- Well, uh...

Him got him when
Stinky Pinky went
to spirit in sky.

That's what happened.

So this is
Stinky Pinky's horse?

- Yes, it is.
- This is White Lightning.

That's what they
call him, yeah.

Fastest horse
in the West.

So they say.

And you didn't pay
anything for him?

Nothing.

And now you're
Sheriff of Toonstone.

See that over there?

- That's my mule.
- Oh.

That's Rusty.

[barfing]

Him majestic creature.

Yeah, work it out.
Come on.

[continues barfing]

Still paying for him.

[continues barfing]

Yeah, that's my life.

Hey, Finch. How do you
feel about being
my deputy?

- Really?
- Absolutely.

I don't know, Dalton.

Oh, come on, Finch.
Be my deputy.

I'm gonna have to
think that one through.

- Come on.
- Okay.

- Okay what?
- I'll do it.

Oh, Finch.
You don't even know.

I do. I do know.

This is my deputy, guys...

Acondo.

Finch, Rusty eating
him vomit.

No, no, no, no.
Don't, don't.

What in the world
is that?

You hear that, Acondo?

No, me not hear
anything.

I'll be right back, guys.

[music from mouth organ]

♪

♪

♪

♪

That was beautiful, sir.
It was absolutely amazing.

Oh, thank you there, Sheriff.

- What's your name?
- The name's Slim.

Slim, it's good
to meet you.

What are you doing
way out here?

I figured more ears
should hear
that beautiful music.

Well, I'm gonna
die tonight, son.

You're gonna die?
Oh, I've heard of that.

Some old people,
they just feel it.

And they'll just go off
somewhere.

What, you hear something
or you just feel something?
What is it?

Two cases of dynamite.

You got a light, son?

No, I don't have a light.
Why you gonna kill yourself?

Well, I'm old.
I'm pissed.

And Toonstone finally
has a decent
gunslinger, so...

I feel like the town's safe.

About that...

I can't shoot a gun.

- Come again?
- Can't shoot a gun, sir.

- You can't shoot?
- No. I can't.

You better be
poking my pickle.

You see, that's why Finch
or Raleigh should be Sheriff.

Finch or Raleigh
can't be Sheriff, boy!

- The people need you.
- Why?

Because of hope.

These people, they've not
had hope for a long time.

They've been robbed,

they've had members
of their families,
killed by outlaws.

For so many years,
they've completely
lost hope.

And then last night,
you showed up.

And that hope
came back.

So, now, all these
people are here
believing in you.

And you're gonna tell me
you're gonna take that
away from them?

But I'm still a musician.
A musician that can't shoot.

Well you're about to be
a musician who's gonna
change his tune.

Because I'm gonna teach
you how to shoot.

- You are?
- Damn straight, son.

You're gonna
become the hero
these people need.

[gunshots]

[sighs]

Damn it, son.
That was just pitiful.

I'm trying, Slim.

You see these guns
you got in your hands?

Yes.

You need to learn
to listen to them.

They'll tell you if
you're doing right or
if you're doing wrong.

Well, they ain't told me
nothing yet, Slim.

That's because you're
not listening, you
stupid son of a bitch.

Now, put the guns
in the holster.

- Okay.
- Now look at the bottle.

Looking at
that bottle.

Pretend that bottle
is an outlaw.
And he's about to
blow your head off.

I'm gonna beat him
to the punch.

You're in the right mood.
Now listen to the gun.

And go.

[gunshots]

- Are you even trying, boy?
- Slim, I'm trying.

Hey guys, what's going on?

Oh, nothing Finch.
I'm just out here
teaching our new Sheriff
how to shoot.

- Morning Finch.
- Yeah, teaching.

[laughs]

You're teaching Dalton
how to shoot.
That's funny.

Now Dalton,
you see that bottle?

Oh, I see it.

You gotta visualize
that bottle as a
mortal enemy.

Yeah, yeah,
it's an enemy.

Now, put your guns
in your holster.

Focus on the bottle.

- I got this.
- Now pull and shoot.

[gunshots]

That was closer
than last time.

This is impossible.

I get it. It's funny.

You get what?

I get it. "Let's
mess with Finch."

We're not messing
with you, Finch.

Why would we be
messing with you?
I'm just--

'Cause yeah. You can't
shoot, you're the Sheriff.
I get it.

Yeah, he can't shoot.

It's not funny
when you keep on--

- Finch, I can't shoot.
- Right.

- I can't.
- I get it.

It's not a joke.

It was a joke
until you beat it
into the ground.

And now, it's just
not funny anymore.

[guns cocking]
Alright, hold it
right there.
Nobody move.

Now, I'm looking
for Dalton.
Is that you, son?

I'm Dalton.

Yeah, you're gonna
die today 'cause you
killed my cousin,
Stinky Pinky.

Alright, Dalton.
I want you to pull
your gun and I want
you to shoot.

He says if I move,
he's gonna shoot me.

Oh, no,
that's bullshit.
See, watch.

[gunshot]

You see how easy that is?

- Oh, you old Sheri--
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Let's focus on
the issue here.

I'm gonna kill you next,
you old son of a bitch.

Alright, that's fine.
Now, Dalton, pull your
gun and shoot him.

I can't pull it, he's
expecting it this time.

No, he's not expecting
it this time. You see?

Damn it. You killed
my other cousin.

On the count of three,
I want you to shoot
Dalton in the head.

- Slim, what are you--
- Say your prayers, Dalton.

And a one,
and a two...

[gunshot]

[thud]

Damn it, Finch.

How the hell's he
gonna learn to shoot?

You're serious.
You don't know
how to shoot?

No.

Yeah, what'd you think?
We were joking?

No, no, it makes
sense now.

So I gotta...

I gotta head back into
town and figure out
why God hates me.

Come on, Rusty.

[barfing]

[Mexican music playing]

[hydraulic doors opening]

Oh, my God!

It's a Mexican
chuck-wagon.

People of Toonstone.

Give us the
doomsday device.

- Oh, it's chuck-wagon.
- Welcome back.

We're no chuck-wagon.

I'm sorry I have to
interrupt you there.
What are you looking for?
What is a doomsday?

We are looking for
the doomsday device.

- It looks like this.
- It looks like that.

- It is round.
- Round.

- It's purple.
- Purple.

It will kill all the
people on your planet.

- What?
- Um...

Now that doomsday device,
is that the special?

It ain't no special.

Okay, I think I'm
ready, you all.

- Um, I'm gonna get the chili--
- Gentlemen, listen.

I don't think
these people
are here to
serve you any food.

It's one of those
bandito scams.
I wouldn't
fall for it.

This ain't no scam.

We want the
doomsday device,
right now.

We know you got it.

Okay I'll have the
chili banana meal.

Actually, I think
you've got that wrong.

I've not seen this
doomsday device here.

But I think that
I did definitely
see it in Town City.

Raleigh, don't you
remember seeing that?

Oh, yeah.
Good idea, Gail.

Yeah, we saw it
in Town City.

They had a few of them there.
You might be able to go there
and get one now.

It look like this?

Yup, yup. Round, purple.

That sounds like it.

It does sound like it.

Okay, here's what
we'll do.

We're gonna go to
Town City, see if they
got a doomsday device.

But I warn you gringos.

If they don't, we'll
come back here and
we're gonna kill you all.

- Wait a second.
- Adios, muchachos.

[Mexican music playing]

♪

So, Gail come in
to office today.
Her looking for you.

- She was?
- Her want to ask you questions.

- Like what?
- Me not know.

Me was like
"talk to hand, face
no want to hear none."

- You didn't say that.
- No.

[fluttering sound]

Don't turn around.
Just listen.

I know you're
Sheriff now.

Fighting crime could
be a lonely job.

I just want
you to know,
you're not alone.

- There's two of us, pal.
- Is that you, Tom?

No, it's not.

'Cause I was gonna ask
if my guitar was ready.

No, I don't
think it is.

Harry said the parts won't
be here until Friday.
Maybe this weekend.

Okay, well, if you're
not Tom, who are you?

Who am I?

I'm the shadow
of the night.

I'm the eye
in the sky.

I am the thing
that evil fears most.

I am the Dark Owl.

[flapping]

What the hell
was that all about?

♪

[birds chirping]

[fuse burning]

Oh. What the...

Where the hell
is this going?

Now, listen, Bill.
You gonna need to
stand back a little bit,
okay?

All right.

What the hell is
taking so long?

Look, when you own
to be in charge of
the dynamite

you can be in charge
of the wick.

I'm just saying, couldn't
you have shortened
the damn wick?

No, no, no, no--

Whoa, what's going
on here, guys?

- Oh, shit, we've been caught.
- Wait a minute.

Aren't you that
son of a bitch, Dalton?

Oh, yeah, I'm Dalton but--

You're the one that
killed my brother.

Oh, calm down, now.

- Now who's your brother?
- Frankie.

Oh, okay. That was a
complete accident.
I swear to you.

Oh, no, you shot him,
right in the heart.

No, hold on,
it was an accident.
I swear to you.

And, if you guys are trying
to bust Bill out, you're
wasting your time

'cause Bill ain't an
outlaw anymore.
He's a songwriter.

Bill?

Um. No, I'm not.
I'm still an outlaw.

You better be an outlaw.

Bill, what're you
talking about? You're
an amazing songwriter.

You don't need to
be an outlaw.

Okay, I'm an outlaw that
happens to turn words into
fish and wine like
Jesus Christ.

Bill, is this true?

Is you a songwriter now?

Yeah, I mean, haven't you
ever noticed how I always
had a way with words?

Or did it just pass by
like a sweet gentle breeze
over alabaster sands?

- That's really good.
- We could use that.

- I know, write it down.
- Now you're writing, Bill?

What are you, a teacher?

You see, Pete?

Me and Dalton,
we have a connection.
It's like--

Acondo, what're
you doing man?

Me thought it would help.

Me sorry. Me put back.

- Here nice man.
- Oh, thank you.

- Oh!
- I think I'm gonna lay down.

[thud]

Oh, I'm gonna
shoot this Injun.

Okay, hold it,
right there.

No, I ain't holding
for no one.

Take it easy, Pete.
Just take it easy.

Drop the guns.
I don't wanna shoot you.

[fuse burning]

Just drop the gun.

[fuse burning]

[guns cock]

Hey, Dalton,
I got you a
nice cup of coffee.

Oh, morning, Finch,
thank you very much.

- Who's that?
- Crazy Ass Pete.

That's Bill's brother.
We took him in
this morning.

- This morning?
- Uh huh.

Where was I?

Coffee sound good,
me have some.

Hey, that's my
cup of coffee.

You take land,
me take coffee.

- Uh...
- That sounds fair enough.

Hey, Slim, what're we
gonna do today?
Shoot some more bottles?

No, we're gonna shoot
something bigger
than bottles.

Like what? Jugs?
Or barrels?

[Slim] Oh, no. Something
a bit more dangerous.

♪

[McConaughorse]
How's the badge coming?

- What'd you say?
- My badge?

- Oh, your badge?
- Yeah, is it about ready?

Yeah, I'm sure
it's getting there.

[crashing]
[indistinct chatter]

[sighs]

[Slim] All right, son.
Did you see what I did?

Well, yeah, you threw
him out the window.

And do you notice
now everybody
is looking at us?

- Yeah, I guess.
- Hey!

Crazy old man!

See it's all about
getting attention.

Not only did I throw him
out of the window

- Hey!
- ...but I pissed him off.

You're gonna pay
for that, old man.

And notice how I'm not
even acknowledging him.
I'm just talking to you.

You haven't looked
at him since
you came out here.

Look at me.

I'm talking to you.

See, the longer you don't
look at them, the more
pissed off they get.

It's gonna affect
their gunslinging.

I am talking to you!

Now, son, this is where
I turn on the magic.

Okay.

[dramatic music playing]

Oh, hello! There you are.
Glad you could join us.

[crunch]

Oh! It's apple time.

[man]
I'm gonna shoot you, old man.

- See how pissed off he sounds?
- Oh, he's pissed off.

How do you think
this is time
for an apple?
Huh?

Now, see I'm gonna
give him a chance
to surrender.

Alright Drippy Peters.
You're coming with me,
you understand?

You and me. Now!

Let's see how fast
you really are.

It was nice knowing you,
old man.

[music intensifies]

[gunshot]

[whooshing]

And in three, two...

[thud]

You see how
cool that was?

Okay. Whoa...

[people applauding]

- Well, what now?
- It's your turn, son.

♪

♪

Well, there's
Camel Toby's camel.

You think you're
ready for this?

I think I'm ready to try.

Well, I want you to
go in there and just do
what I taught you, okay?

Okay, I'm going in.

[footsteps]

Hey, you.

Hey, I'm talking to you.

I know you can talk.

I know a damn
talking horse
when I see one.

Horses do not talk.

- Yes, they do.
- They do not.

[glass shattering]

Oh!

- I'm good, I'm good.
- Damn it, son.

Don't worry about it.
He said he was
coming right out.

He's gonna meet me
out here.

- Come here.
- I'm more or less tripped on--

- Come here, damn it!
- Okay, I'm coming.

What the hell
are you doing?

What do you mean
what I'm doing?
I'm trying--

You're getting all kinds
of attention to yourself.

But that's a good thing--

No, that's a bad thing
when you're the one
getting thrown out of
the damn window.

Like I said, I tripped,
that last time.

Shit.

[Camel Toby] Come on out,
lawman.

Alright, look,
you can salvage this.

- Come on out.
- Here's what I want you to do.

- Okay.
- I want you to go out there

- Uh huh.
- ...and shoot his hat off.

- Okay.
- This is a classic technique.

You shoot his hat off,
it falls on the ground,
and then you keep
shooting it.

[Camel Toby] Come face me.

Okay, I'm gonna do this.

Well, you finally decided
to show your face, huh?

Yep, I'm here.

Slim, his hat is
very, very small.

I don't even know why
he's wearing something
so small.

Shoot the damn hat, son.

- Come on, draw, son.
- I can't shoot it.

I can't! I'm not
gonna hit the hat!

Shoot the damn hat!

[gunshot]

Oh! I'm sorry.

Don't apologize, damn it.

I didn't mean to
hit him in the face.

Look, you gotta have
a catchphrase. You gotta
say something cool.

- Okay, okay.
- Say something cool.

Uh...

All right, then.

All right, then?

- I couldn't think of nothing.
- Shit.

Quick. Exit, exit.
Follow me.

Yeah, but where
are we going?

Just walk.

But we're walking
away from the--

I know, just walk.

- But Acondo and McConaughorse--
- I know, boy.

Just walk.

Anytime you get a chance
to walk into the sunset,
you take it.

Why?

Think how bad-ass
we must look to
those people back there.

Ah...

[Slim] Yeah, we're just
all sihouettey.

[Dalton] I bet we
do look bad-ass.

[dramatic music playing]

♪

[natives chanting]

[sighs] What the hell
are we doing here?

Well, land say
Pee Paw need to
speak with me.

Look, damn it, all this
talking to the land shit
is horse-wallop!

Hey, what's going on
over there, Acondo?

Ugh.

They doing rain dance.

- It not going
to work, though.
- Huh?

No, if rain
come for that dance,
rain be disappointed.

We should really
get out of here, boys.

I'm not feeling
this at all.

- Slim, come on now--
- Hey, Pee Paw!

Oh, God!

Acondo.

Land told you
me looking for you?

What the hell
is on your head?

Yeah,
land leave message.

Land have great
spirit journey for you.

Okay.

Land say
great warrior in desert.

Is up to you
to find him.

Who great warrior?

Land say
his name "Dalton".

Dalton right here.

Acondo,
no time to waste.

You must start
your journey now.

Journey started now
and ended now.

Pee Paw,
Dalton right here.

- Right here, sir.
- Yeah, there's
the great warrior.

You must find Dalton.

Foundzies.

Acondo.

Acondo.

- Acondo.
- Pee Paw.

Acondo, we have
spirit feather.

Okay.

You take feather.

Oh! [chuckles]

Do you know what
feather does, Acondo?

Spirit feather
pointing to Dalton?

Spirit feather
points you to Dalton.

You must go into desert
to find great warrior.

Unless I'm right here,
of course.

Then we could
save some time.

I'm counting
on you, Acondo.

Me not let
you down, Pee Paw.

[snoring]

Pee Paw?

Let's get the hell
out of here!

[creaking]

Look at this, Slim,
I made the paper again.

Yeah, I guess those
fast guitar fingers
are paying off,

but God,
your catch phrase
sounds stupid.

No, it was bad.

Yeah, you're doing
a super duper job.

It just kind of
gets under my skin
a little bit.

- It just--
- [stutters] What?

No, forget it.

No, no, no, go ahead.
I want you to

go ahead and tell me
what you're feeling.

I'm jealous.

Well, don't be
jealous of me.
We're on the same team.

I can't help it.

It just seems like
everything is--

Just falls
into your lap!

Hey, Dalton. You might
want to get out of here
and check this out.

There's all kinds of--

Shit, is that Finch?

Never mind.
[neighs]

But seriously,
you might want to--
Out here.

I-- Oh--
Did your--

Yeah,
it's a talking horse.

Of course he is.

- Oh, this is perfect.
All right, son.
- [Gail] Ow! Let go!

Here's what
I want you to do.

Oh, come here, pretty lady.
Come on down here with me.

Let me go!

I like the way
she says, "Let me go".

Oh! Get your
hands off of me!

[chuckles] Oh, no, no.
There's only gonna be one
type of getting off tonight.

I'm warning you,
this is not--

Excuse me!

[dramatic music playing]

I don't think
the lady wants to dance.

[footsteps]

♪

[footsteps]

I'm gonna need
three caskets.

Oh! You got it, Sheriff.

[footsteps]

Sheriff,
I'm so sorry.

What type of wood
did you want to use
with this casket?

I don't know.
Whatever is uh--
Whatever is cheap.

Pine is the
absolute cheapest.

Great. Pine.
Pine's fine.

Middle of the road,
maybe oak.

Oh, pine.
Let's go pine.

[footsteps continue]

♪

Well, well, well,
if it ain't

a silver badge
Nancy boy.

What you going to
do there, Sheriff?

What I'm gonna do

is make your life
a living hell if you
don't let her go.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

How you gonna
do that, big horse?

With these guns
there, sir.

Sheriff, I am
so sorry to interrupt,

but those three caskets
you ordered--

- Yeah.
- We did not discuss
the actual lining.

I really don't care
about the lining.

Hold on, now.
Are those caskets
for us?

What?
Of course they're for you.
They're not for me.

Well, hell,
why aren't you gonna have
lining in 'em? I mean--

Because I'm
paying for them!

And I'm not gonna add
extra for lining there
for your dumb ass.

No-- Why are we
talking about
the damn lining?

I mean, you telling me
you want to be buried in
a plain old--

No, I don't plan
on being buried.
We're not gonna die.

We're gonna kill him.

You ain't killing me.
There are--

These are for you.

Feel this. It just
came in from Paris.

[stutters]
Ooh! That's--

I know that you
wanted to go
with the pine.

That's pretty nice.

Everybody wants
to go with pine.

This right here from
Paris comes included
with the mahogany.

No! No, no, no.
No lining.
We'll go with pine.

I mean, I'd be willing
to pay a couple of dollars
towards it, you know.

Are you throwing some in?

- I'll throw
a couple of dollars in.
- Are you guys serious?

If you're gonna
go that route,
go with mahogany.

Well, listen,
if you're tossing money in,

I don't really care
what you get.

What the hell
are you doing?

I'm just saying,
you know--

We're not getting
damn caskets!

All right, listen!

Let the girl go
and get up on out
of here or else--

We're gonna have
what casket we--

Shut up about
the damn caskets!

We're not gonna
get caskets!

So what's it
gonna be, boys?

Well, this girl
is mine, Sheriff.

And the only way
you're gonna get
her tonight

is if you pry her from
my cold, dead fingers.

Fair enough.

[music intensifies]

♪

♪

- [gunshots]
- [Gail screams]

[thudding]

[whooshing]

You okay, Gail?

Yes, but no thanks
to you!

What do you mean,
"No thanks to me"?

Oh, you're out
causing a ruckus,

pissing all the
outlaws off,

and they're
coming to town,
looking for a fight.

But at least
I'm taking them out,
though, you know.

Hot damn, son!

I got three, Slim!

By yourself.
Not perfect.

Yeah, well, I know.

Not only did you
kill the outlaws,

but you also
saved the girl.
See, now she likes you.

I do not like him!

Kind of looks like
she wants to make
love to you.

Now that is just
taking it too far--

Is it true, Gail?
You want to make sweet
love to me right now?

[groans]

[footsteps]

Son, I want to
give you something.

What's this, Slim?

It's my old badge.

Your old badge?

I wore it
back in the day
when I was a lawman.

And then
as I got older
I passed it on.

Unfortunately, I passed
it on to someone
who didn't deserve it.

So I had to
take it back

and now I'm
passing it to you.

♪

Thank you, Slim.
I don't know what to say.

I think you know
exactly what to say.

♪

[shots firing]

All right, then!

♪

All right, then!
[gunshots]

♪

All right, then!

♪

Go ahead
and drop your guns.

You heard the Sheriff.

[camera clicks]

♪

[Dalton urging horse]

♪

- Hyah!
- Hyah!

- Hyah!
- Hyah!

- Giddy-up!
- Giddy-up!

- Yeehaw!
- Yeehaw!

♪

[door bangs open]

All right, Mr. McCoy,
go ahead and drop your guns.

- [slobbering]
- Whoa!

Does that get dry on you
every now and then or--

Or is it--
Anyway, go ahead
and drop your guns!

You are under arrest.

Let's just walk on
out of here and make
this nice and easy.

[slobbering]

I'm sorry, what's that?

[slobbering]

Yeah.

I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna put
my hands in the air.
You see that?

You go ahead
and take your guns
off the mayor now.

Throw 'em on
the ground and let's
just get on out of here.

And if you
do something wrong,

I'm gonna take you out.

[slobbering]

Don't do anything stupid.
Don't you do that.

[slobbering]
[gunshot]

Finch! Our deputy
taking out "Pretty Boy" McCoy.
Way to go, buddy.

- [All clapping]
- Finch!

Hey, Finch,
go ahead and say
something real cool.

Probably get it
in the paper.

What is--
What-- What?

What is--
What-- What?
[chuckles]

I-- [stuttering] I--

Slim, you hear that,
"What is-- What-- What"?

Hey, you though,
"All right, then" was bad.

Here's to the best friends
a guy could ever ask for.

Cheers, everyone.

- Cheers!
- Cheers, Dalton!

Cheers, Dalton!

Seriously, I love
each and every one
of you like a brother.

Go to hell, Dalton!

You too, Pete!

Hey, Dalton.
Glad I caught you.

- Hey, Tom.
- Your guitar's ready.

Sweet!
That's great news!

Yeah, I brought
this flier by, too.

There's a music
competition tonight
in Town City.

A music competition?

Dalton,
are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking exactly
what you're thinking.

We need to
enter our song!

No. It says here that
Wild Hairy Johnson is
gonna be one of the judges.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah!

Wait, who
Wild Hairy Johnson?

Uh, only the
best US Marshal
to ever walk the Earth.

You need to
get your rest, son.

You're a Sheriff now,
not a damn songwriter.

Yeah, but Slim,
I'm kind of both,
and it's just tonight.

And tomorrow,
a gang of outlaws might
show up in this town.

So what are
you gonna do
if you're sleepy?

You know, Dalton,
if you enter that festival,

I'm sure that
Dark Owl would
probably watch the town.

You think?

Probably.

Dark Owl could probably
watch the town, Slim.

Who watch store, Tom?

Does anyone remember
that I work here?

Dark Owl and Finch
would watch the town, Slim.

You are the Sheriff!

Okay, fine, I was--

Okay.

- Good decision, boy.
- You know what
I'm thinking?

What's that?

Tomorrow, how about
we go after this
real expensive guy,

Two Eyed Jack and,
you know, set an example
for all these other guys.

No. No, son, see, I--

You're decent at shooting,

and I admit
you're a fast learner,

but Jack's a master.

And you don't
screw with a master.

Well, what if we both
screw with the master?

Uh-huh.

No, no,
I can't do that.

Well, why not, Slim?

I just can't! Okay?

Okay.

Well, hey, uh--

I'm gonna go
get my guitar, guys,

so I'll see you
in a bit.

Hey, Dalton.

Hey there, McConaughorse.
How are you?

Why the long face?

There's this music competition
I want to go to so bad.

- Slim's saying I can't--
- Dalton?

Oh, hey, Gail.

What-- What are you
doing out here?

Are you just
talking to yourself?

[chuckles] I was--
Yeah, I--

- [laughs heartily]
- Hey, you know.

Well, you know,
since we're here, um,

I've been meaning
to tell you that

I kind of feel like
I owe you an apology
so I'm sorry.

Oh, Gail, you don't
owe me an apology.

I mean, I understand why
people have their doubts--

Well, yeah--
No, I don't know.

And I wrote
some pretty mean things
about you in the paper, so--

Gail, it was fine.
I mean, when I read that

I sat back
and I was thinking,

"Am I really that
big of a douche-bag
son of a bitch?"

You painted the picture
and I fell for it.

And this is me
we're talking about.
You'd think I'd know.

- Yeah--
- You're just that
good, Gail.

- You think so?
- Oh, you blew my mind.

Well-- Well,
thank you, Dalton.

On top of the beauty,
that much talent?

That is just--
Thank you.

Well, now,
you're welcome.
Thank you for--

- For--
- [McConaughorse urinating]

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Um--
- Are you serious
right now?

Well, I-- I just--
You know, I'll just--
I'll catch you later.

Sure. Sure, yeah, I'll--
I hope sooner better
than later.

All right.

Why would you
do that then?

- What are you talking about?
- Why would you start
peeing then?

'Cause I had to pee then.

Why would you
do it right here
on us and--

Why would you freeze up
when you had things
going so smooth?

'Cause I was
getting peed on!

Dalton, I pee all the time.
It's never bothered you before.

I pee all the time, too,
but not next to other people.

What would you
have me do?

Walk around the corner?

Hold it a few
more minutes?
I don't care.

How weird would that look,
if I just walked around
the corner?

It would look like
a normal thing!

"Hey, where's your
horse going?"

Around the corner!

I didn't come here
to argue, Dalton.

Are we going to this
competition or what?

- I can't go
to the competition.
- Why?

Slim said that
I'll be sleepy tomorrow,
in case something happens--

How would you be sleepy?
I'm doing all the running.

All you gotta do is ride.

I'll have you
back by morning.

What if someone sees us?

We'll wear disguises.

You make some
very good points there.

Let's do it, Dalton.

Can I get an
"All right then"?

- All right then.
- All right!

♪

[people clamoring]

All right,
two dollars to
kiss your baby.

Five dollars,
I'll sleep with
your wife.

And for six dollars

I'll take a plug of
this tobacco
and spit it in your face

so you can never
wash it for all time.

You ain't paying
for eloquence, you're
paying to look at this.

Look at it.

Five dollars.
Thank you.

Oh, my!
It's Wild Hairy Johnson.

[shuddering]

I never thought
I'd get starstruck
but I'm feeling it now.

What's that baby doing?

Give it to me.

Look at that.
Now you owe me money.
I'm holding your baby.

- [shot fires]
- [people gasp]

[man] Oh, my God!
It's Two Eyed Jack!

[dramatic music playing]

[people clamoring]

♪

I'd recognize
them two eyes anywhere,

Two Eyed Jack.

What brings you round
these parts, Johnson?

In case you didn't notice
I'm doing a book signing.

You got something
you want me to sign

other than
your death papers?

No, not necessarily.

But I would like
to challenge you
to a gun fight.

Good lawmen are
awful hard to find
around here.

Well, if you do
want me to take you on
I'd be more than happy to

plug a hole in
that head of yours

and use it as
a chili bowl tomorrow,

have Juan whip up
some brain chili.

Oh, man,
this ain't no good.

- Town guy?
- Wait. What?

What are you doing here?
You're Sheriff now?

Oh, no, I'm not--

No, you're the Sheriff.
You got the Sheriff's
badge on.

Oh, damn it!
Look, I got a confession.

I got elected
Sheriff accidentally.

- I didn't mean to be here.
- I know all about it.

That's what happened
with me, it's Dalton.

The hell are
you doing here?

I'm not supposed to be.
I feel like we should
really do something.

This is a gentleman's duel.

We can't get involved
in something like this.

That badge.

How long have you
had that shiny thing?

Around 42 years.

I don't aim to lose it
to you, Two Eyed Jack.

It's beautiful.

You like play pretties,
do you? [chuckles]

This ain't gonna be
one you can dangle
over your crib

and look at it
at night, honey.

All right, Mr. Johnson.

Whenever you're ready.

That'd be
right about now.

[gunshot]
[grunts]

Oh, shit!

[thud]
[groans]

Was that all?

Was that all of
the fight I got

from the famous
Wild Hairy Johnson?

- What do we do now?
- Well, we run.

- No, no, no,
we don't--
- We run for the hills.

No, we don't.
There's two of us
and there's one of him.

We need to get out there
and take care of this.

Yeah, but that one of them
is really, really good.

I know that.
But we're-- Listen,

you and I,
we're lawmen.

This is what we do.

- All right.
- We're going out
in three.

I'm gonna go
out in three.

- One, two--
- Two.

Three!

Sorry, Dalton!

Can I help you?

Oh. Maybe, uh--

Is that Dalton?

If you wanted to surrender
that'd be very helpful.

Son, I don't believe
you know who I am.

Well, I don't believe
you know who I am!

Aha!

You-- You still don't
know who I am, do you?

Not in the slightest.

Sheriff Dalton.

Oh! The Sheriff
of Toonstone!

How about you
go ahead and set those
pistols on the ground,

and go ahead
and give up.

What, these pistols?
These little things?

Yeah.

I suppose that's not
a terrible idea.

It's not a bad idea.

But I've already
got my mind set

on draw!

Okay.

[music intensifies]

♪

Come on, Dalton.
You got this.

♪

[gunshot]
[groans]

[thud]

[galloping]

[whinnies]

McConaughorse! No!

[gasping]

♪

[groaning]

♪

Mc-- McConaughorse.

♪

♪

Excuse me, Mayor.
Have you seen
Dalton this morning?

No, I ain't seen him
since the other night.

Excuse me.
Everyone, I--

I'm sorry I have
some terrible news.

The paper just
came in from
Town City and

Wild Hairy Johnson
and Dalton were both

killed there last night
by Two Eyed Jack.

What?

Yeah, it's on
the front page here.

Oh, this is
terrible, y'all.

I guess seeing as how
I had the second most
votes in the election,

I should probably
step in as Sheriff

and that way the town
doesn't go unprotected.

[all arguing]

- Are you serious?
- Why are we even thinking--

[arguing continues]

♪

♪

[footsteps]

[arguing continues]

♪

[gasps]

Oh, what--

[screams]

Oh, you're dead!

And you smell
very bad.

[laughs]

[spurs clanking]

Two Eyed Jack!

Where did you
get this badge?

What's it to you?

Well, this used
to be my badge.

You're the one
who didn't deserve it.

Slim told me so,
you didn't deserve that.

So old man Slim's alive.

- No.
- Where's he hiding?

He's not hiding,
he's not alive necessarily.

I'm guessing Slim's hiding
in that backwater shit of
a town called Toonstone.

- No.
- You're lying.

- I'm not.
- You are.

- Maybe.
- You're lying.

You're lying.

I'm gonna give you
two options here, boy.

Option number one is
I blow you head off right now
and end your misery.

Option number two is
you rot here in the sun.

Well, how about
you go ahead
and decide for me.

- [cocks gun]
- I'll go ahead and
rot in the sun, huh?

So long, Sheriff.

[spurs clanking]

[Dalton] So there
you have it.

Looks like getting
buried alive's pretty
common around here.

♪

I just wish I could've
changed all that.

♪

♪

[Gail weeping]

♪

♪

Sheriff Dalton
was a fine man.

One we'll never forget.

Um, I'm glad
I got to know him.

He was a smart kid.

And now,

I guess he's in
a better place now.

♪

[howling]

♪

[blows]

Well--

♪

Land, I've never
heard you before, but...

I sure hope
you can hear me.

See, I messed up
real big, huh.

♪

My horse is dead, and...

a town full
of people I love
is in danger.

I was too
selfish, stubborn,

didn't listen to Slim,
and here I am, huh,

unable to do
a damned thing about it.

♪

I guess
all I'm saying is...

♪

...if there's
any way possible

that you can help me,

I'd really appreciate it.

[rustling]

♪

[gasps]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[indistinct talking]

What-- Who's there?

[shushing]

[crickets chirping]

Hey, I think
he can hear us.

Of course
I can hear you.

You better show yourself
or else--

Oh, you don't have
to be a prick about it.

[all laughing]

"Don't have to be
a prick about it."

You're--
You're talking cactus.

I can hear you, I--

I must be
talking to the land.

I think he's
starting to get...

...the point!

[laughing boisterously]

Listen!
Listen, guys, listen.

[shushing]
He gonna talk.

He gonna say something.

Can-- Can you help
me get out of here?

Huh. For sure.

Hey, everybody,
let's help him.
Hey, grab your shovels.

- Grab your shovels!
- Yeah!

- Grab your shovels!
- [all clamoring]

We gotta help this man!

Shovel!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[snoring]

They're not getting
shovels, are they?

Nope, they're cacti.

Oh, I'm so screwed.

I guess you're stuck
between me and a hard place.

[chuckles sleepily]
"me and a hard place."

[snores]

I really need
to get out of here to--

I'm running out of time.

Dalton, listen to me.

There are forces behind you
that are greater than time.

You destiny has led you here
and now you must choose
your path.

Whether you think
you can or you
think you can't,

you were right.

You're right. I can't.

'Cause I'm buried
up to my neck.

But maybe I can
if someone actually
found me.

- Dalton!
- Acondo!

Ah, you alive!

I'm alive!

Me not think me
would see you again.

I didn't think I was
gonna see anyone again.

I'm so happy
to see you, buddy.

Oh, me happy, too.
Ken not been same
since you been gone.

Hey, listen. You need
to get me out of here
'cause Toonstone's in trouble.

♪

I know you're
in there, Slim!

[Jack] Nobody blows
Two Eyed Jack off!

Okay, uh, Slim,
what do we do?

Well, I'm gonna
go out there and
I'm gonna face him.

No, I mean us.
I mean all of us.

We can all help.

Yeah,
Mr. Finch is right.
Let's--

Now, now, now,
just wait a minute.

Now it's obvious
that Two Eyed Jack
is here for Slim.

There's no reason
to endanger anybody
else's life here.

Yeah, Raleigh,
spoken like
a true coward.

Slim, what do I do?

Finch, I hate to say this
but Raleigh's right.

If we all go out there
he's just gonna
kill all of us.

Um, I can't sit here
and, and--

Finch, look,
you're my friend.
I trust you.

And when I'm gone
these people are gonna need
somebody to protect them.

And it sure as hell
ain't this prick.

So I need
you to stay alive.
You understand that?

Yes, Slim.

Gentlemen, it's been
a pleasure knowing
each and every one of you.

♪

There, all better.

Thanks, Acondo.

I'm just scared
we're not gonna make it
back to Toonstone in time.

Guess it's all
up to you, Ken.

Uh, we get there faster
with you riding me.

- Dalton.
- McConaughorse.

- McConaughorse!
- I thought I lost you!

I was sure
I lost you!

How are you alive?

How am I alive?
How are you alive?
I saw you get shot.

Let me tell you,
if it weren't for
this old guy, Pee Paw--

- Acondo!
- Pee Paw!

Me have great
spirit journey for you.

You must return stallion
to great warrior.

- Seriously?
- And must save land.

- Okay.
- I'm right here, Pee Paw.

- Acondo!
- Pee Paw,
him right here.

All right, Acondo,
I'll see you later.

I got to jump
on McConaughorse,
we need to get to Toonstone.

- You ready McConaughorse?
- Let's do this, Dalton.

Let's do it.

♪

Hello, Jack.

Hello there, Slim.

It's been
a long, long time.

So what the hell
do you want?

Oh, I just wanted
to come into town,

and show you
my new badge.

You're a son
of a bitch, Jack.

Dalton was a good man.

He was weak,
just like all the other
lawmen in this valley.

You were weak
when I found you, Jack.

You gave me this badge
out of trust.

Told me I was the best
gunslinger you'd ever seen.

When you become a lawman,
people are supposed to
respect you, Jack,

not fear you.

The fear kept
the outlaws away.

So what if the
people were scared of me?

Do those badges
make you feel like
a better man?

I am a better man.

Well, how are you
gonna prove that, son?

I want you to draw.

I ain't gonna pull
my iron on you, boy.

'Cause I think
that deep down

that young man
I once knew still wants
to do what's right.

[gunshot]
[groans]

[thud]

I think your aim's
a little off, Jack.

No, Slim,
my aim's as good
as it ever was.

Get up and face me.

I'm not gonna
do it, Jack.

Draw your guns,
old man.

Hold it right there, Jack.

[gunshot]

I told you to stay
the hell out of this.

I didn't--
[stuttering]

You hold it
right there!

Either you get up
and face me like a man,

or not only
will I kill you,

but I'm gonna kill
your friend here.

And every last person
in this shithole of a town.

- [gunshot]
- [groans]

- Shit!
- Dalton?

Hey, Jack.
I think you
dropped something.

[Bill] Dalton!
You're alive?

- Yeah, Bill.
- What's going on out there?

Oh, I just shot
one of Two Eyed Jack's
guns out of his hands

and then I said,
"I think you
dropped something."

[Bill laughs]
I'm gonna write that down.

Dalton, get the hell
out of here, boy.

Oh, no, no, no, Slim.

The resilient little
Sheriff wants to climb
out of his rat-hole

and join the party?

He can join the party.

Well, I think this party
is pretty much over.

And I do believe
that's my badge
you're wearing.

Oh, this badge?

How do you
think you're gonna
take it from me?

[munching]

Oh, I see
what you're doing.

Learned all your
tricks from Slim here.

[munching]

That's not gonna
get to me, Mr. Dalton.

[munching]

What if I was eating
an apple, Mr. Dalton?

Would you get irritated?

Don't think you would
because you know the trick.

[continues munching]

It's not bothering me.

Go ahead and say
something, why don't you?

[munching]

All right, fine,
eat your apple.

I'll sit here and wait.

[continues munching]

[continues munching]

[swallows]

There.
Now draw your--

Oh, for the love--

I understand
what you're doing
and it ain't gonna work!

"Oh! Look at me,
I'm Dalton!"

[mimics munching]

I understand the trick.

[continues munching]

Stop eating that apple!

[breathing heavily]

[swallows]

[yells]
[gunshot]

♪

Oh, hello there, Dalton.

Hey, there, Butterfly.

You know you have
someone shooting at you?

I can see that, Butterfly,
but thank you.

[gunshots]

♪

[whooshing]

[bang]

♪

Ow! Shit!

[footsteps]

♪

[laughs maliciously]

Well, Mr. Dalton,

I guess you're gonna
be the hero known for
killing Two Eyed Jack.

Nah, I got something
much worse in store
for you, Jack.

I'm gonna take you in,
sit you down in the
middle of a cell,

and for the rest of your--
Oh, shit!

- Oh, my f-ing God!
- Shit, shit! Shit!

What the hell
is wrong with you?

It was an accident, Slim.
I didn't mean to do that.

You shot the man
during the lesson speech.

No, I was just
trying to scare him
and my finger slipped.

You don't shoot a man
during the lesson speech.

- Oh, my God!
- Hey, there, Finch.

- Dalton, you're alive!
- Yeah, I'm alive!

Mr. Dalton!
My heart rate hasn't been
this high in a long time.

I don't know
what you just
said there, Mayor.

Dalton!
That was so scary.
I'm so glad to see you.

It's good to
see you, Gail.

Yeah. Yeah,
I'm okay, everybody.

Thanks for
all the concern.

The chuck-wagon!

The chuck-wagon!

[all cheering]

Hey! Hey,
wait, everybody!

Now I really don't think
that's a chuck-wagon.

They threatened
to kill us all with
this doomsday device.

Dalton, maybe we
should check this out.

Let's do it, Finch.

Now, now, just wait
a minute here, boys.

With me being Sheriff now,
I think we should let

somebody a little more
qualified handle this.

Step aside.

All right now,
you dirty banditos.

You see this
nice, shiny--

[zapping]

[thud]

[all gasping]

I don't think
that's a chuck-wagon.

Kill everyone!

Bring me the
doomsday device!

[rattling]

- Take cover, everybody!
- [all screaming]

[explosion]

Dalton, you gotta
get us out of here.
We're sitting ducks.

- Door should be open, Bill.
- What?

Yeah, I never did
get that key, so just
go ahead and push it open.

[all laughing maliciously]

[guns cocking]

Well, Finch, looks
like we're outnumbered.

Yeah, I can see that.

Watch my back,
I'm going out.

[gunshots]

♪

So, are you
gonna get something or not?

You sell these barrels?

No. The barrels just
hold the products.
What do you want?

I really want a barrel.

Look, we're trying to close.

[gunshots and zapping]

Say adios, amigo.

Adios, amigo.
Thank you, Slim.

This shit's
getting weird.

Lights out,
you son of a bitch.

Oh!

What the hell?
I didn't know you
started using a whip!

There's a lot of things
you don't know about me, Pete.

Yeah, like you, uh,
being a songwriter.

You know what?
I am a songwriter.

Shit, Pete.
Isn't there something
you always wanted to do,

something deep
down inside that you
just wanted to follow?

No. I like
being an outlaw.

Oh, bullshit, Pete.
That was always
Frank's thing.

I can see it
in your eyes, Pete.
There's something else.

Well--

I always wanted
to be a dancer.

[gasps]
Damn it, Pete,

you be the best
dancer you can be.

- Is it too late?
- Man, it's not too late.

Everybody, this is
my brother Pete.

That's me.

My dancing brother Pete.

- I'm a dancer!
- You little dancer...

[zapping]

Damn! These boys
just keep coming.

Hey, Dalton,
up here, man.

Oh, hey, vulture.

You know it'd be
a good idea if you took
out that chuck-wagon.

That's a good idea.
I appreciate that.

Who the hell are
you talking to, son?

Cover me, Slim.

[gunshots]

It's a damn
bubble bath out there!

[gunshots and zapping]

[gunshots]

[rattling]

[whooshing]

[gunshot, explosion]

♪

[whooshing]

♪

[clattering]

Damn, he's good!

[neighing]

[gunshots]

[gunshots]

[clicking]

[laughing]

You humans and your
puny, primitive weapons!

[rattling]

Our weapons may
be primitive, but you--

Shit, I really need
to work on my wit.

Take 'em out, Finch.

[explosion]

Whoa! Hey, Finch,
go ahead and say it.

Say what?

- What is--
What-- What?
- What?

Mr. Dalton, we gotta
get out of here!

The whole town's
on fire!

All right, everybody
grab a bucket,
get some water.

We need to put
these fires out.

Son, this fire's
too big.

There' nothing we can do.

Yeah, but
it's Toonstone! I--

It's our home!

Where are we gonna go?

[drums beating]

What the hell
is he doing?

He's saving
our town, Mayor.

[playing tribal music]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[thunderclap]

[rain pattering]

[grunts]

[thudding]

[whooshing]

[poof]

[rain pattering]

- Dalton!
- [all clapping]

[all cheering]

[man] Speech!

All right.

I'm trying
to give a speech.

What can I say?

We're all lucky
to still be alive today.

But we're even more lucky
to have a town full
of so many heroes.

Like Slim, Finch,

Acondo, with that
amazing rain-dance.

Hell, even Bill
and Pete helped out.

Let's not
forget Dark Owl.

I wish we could
thank him somehow.

I'm sure he knows, Tom.

And each and every
one of you who makes
this town what it is.

You see, when
I left the farm
to follow my dreams,

those dreams
led me here.

And now my dreams
are telling me
something different.

Which is why I'm
stepping down as Sheriff.

[all gasping]

Now, now,
hold on, hold on.

There's a better man
for the job.

Hell, he even
saved my life
a few times.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce to you,

if you'll have him,
Sheriff Finch.

[all exclaiming]

Wow!

- Wow, um--
- Hey, speech!

I would be honored if,
of course, the people of
Toonstone will have me.

- Dalton.
- Hey, Gail.

Hi, um,
I'll just go for it.

Um, we had
a conversation
the other day.

- Yeah.
- And, you know, I--

I thought I felt
a little something.

And then, you know,
I read the article

and I really
didn't expect to feel

like I did
when I thought
that you were gone.

But now,
you're back and I--

- Uh-huh.
- I just--

I think
you're really great.

And I really
think that--

I don't know, maybe,

we could be
really great together.

Oh! You and me?

Yeah, you know,
we talked about things.

Yeah, yeah. Oh.
The thing is, uh--

- When I met you--
- Mmm-hmm.

- You were
a good bit bitchy.
- Oh.

And my dad,
you know, he told me
when I was younger

that a woman never gets
less bitchy through time.

- Mmm-hmm.
- And you know,
like, with you,

10 years from now
I could only imagine

what the bitch level
would get to, you know.

Hell no, I can't--
Then we're friends, too.

And I don't wanna
ruin what we have.

So-- Friends?

Uh-- Friends.

Awesome, Gail, you are
something else, you know?

Uh--

I'm sorry--
Dalton!

Where are you going?

Finch, I think
I'm gonna take my music on
the road for a little while.

Maybe take down
a bad guy or two
on the way.

Oh, well, hey, wait, Slim,
are you leaving, too?

Yup. Ain't no outlaws
around here any more, son.

I'm gonna follow this boy
and get into some trouble.

What if we
need you, Dalton?

If you need me
just go ahead
and tell the land.

And I'll hear it.

[indistinct chatter]

♪

♪

Dalton, me think
we're going wrong way.

Yeah, you said
we were headed east.

Now, guys,
just trust me.
I'll explain later.

This looks
so bad-ass right now,
you don't even know.

Yeah, it sure does, son.

It sure does.

[music reaches crescendo]

♪

[clattering]

[groans]

[groans]

[barfs]

[clattering continues]

♪

[bullets ricochet]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪