Too Much Sun (1990) - full transcript
A multimillionaire, whose son and daughter are both gay, leaves a will with one clause: His children will inherit his money only if at least one of them produces him a grandchild within a year of his death.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SPRING PLAYING)
(DOG WHIMPERING)
Oh, boy.
Come on, Brandon. Come on.
Oh. Yes.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Excuse me, Bitsy.
(ALL CHATTERING)
Bye, bye. All right, now.
-I love you.
-Watch out for your
brothers and sisters, okay?
Do what the counselor
tells you. Capice?
-(HONKS HORN)
-PoodleLoo Malibu.
(BARKS)
GEORGE: Sonny.
Yes, I love you.
(DOGS BARKING)
(SPRING PLAYING)
-Good morning, sir.
-Good morning, Vincent.
-Where to, sir?
-Confession.
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
Father? Are you in there?
Yes.
O. M. I didn't ask you here
to confess to me.
I have a confession
to make to you.
I'd be honored, Father.
Pour your heart out.
Oh, God.
Oh. That's Susan,
my daughter's fiancee.
In fact, they might
even be married.
Oh.
I'm sorry about that, Father.
What can I do
to cleanse my soul?
Fifty thousand,
and three Hail Mary's.
That sounds fair.
No, I should pay.
It's probably
all my fault anyway.
You either gave them
too much affection
or not enough.
Or too much allowance
or not enough.
When it comes to children,
you can't express
your love through money.
When it comes to me,
I already have plenty of love.
-I just need enough money
to spread that love around.
-(TEARING PAPER)
There you go.
Ah.
And don't think the Lord
is not suspicious of your son.
-What's the matter
with Sonny?
-I'm askin' you.
The man is 47 years old
and still a bachelor.
I've never seen him
with a woman. Have you?
Well, he certainly
loved his mother,
and his mother loved him.
And Sonny loves women.
Unfortunately,
so does his sister.
I thank you
for your generosity.
And if you find
your son is sick,
I'll give him some counsel.
And if that doesn't work,
we'll get him
to a Gay A meeting.
Well, thank you, Father.
I'm not a bit worried
about Sonny.
He's as masculine a son
as I could have hoped for.
Well... Mmm...
(TIMER TICKING)
(SIGHS)
Well...
Checkmate.
So what? Let's boogie.
All right, you mad thing, you.
(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
How close are we, Fuzby?
Ah. Uh, I planted two
for the kids.
And, uh, I've got 7000
blue gomukes coming in
and 3000 Italian bucksaws.
And I ordered 50 pounds
of human hair to keep
the coyotes off.
How about that Filipino tree?
Ah, the new one?
The, uh, corazon bravo?
It's on its way.
-Perfect.
-It grows tall and very lush.
It's one of a kind, sir.
Trees are your thing, Fuzby.
Make it happen.
(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
-Leave my son alone.
-Tell him to leave me alone.
It's not always me
chasing him, you know.
We have a real
relationship here, sir,
in case you haven't noticed.
Well, stand up and be counted.
-Sonny, it isn't true, is it?
-No, dad.
I swear it's not true.
He's lying, sir.
He pulled my pants down
in the pantry when he was 17.
All right, it's true.
But I wanted to spare you
the agony, Dad.
I'm afraid I do love
George Bianco.
(GRUNTS) God,
have mercy on my soul.
Dad, you'll get over it.
It's not like losing a son.
-It's like gaining
another son.
-I can do mouth to mouth.
Get away from me.
Get away from me.
FATHER: I got here
soon as I could, O. M.
Boy, were you right
about my son.
Well, someone had to tell you.
Now listen, O. M.
Before I perform
your last rites,
I need you to do
something for yourself.
You name it, Father.
I'd like you to eliminate
the subtle inequities
in your will.
What's wrong with the will?
Too much earthly reward
for two people
who don't deserve anything,
and a third person, unrelated,
who thinks
he's Johnny Appleseed.
Well, that's what
I want to see happen.
Uh, a third to Bitsy,
a third to Sonny,
and a third to Fuzby because
he's serious about
the environment.
(GASPING)
Well, we're gonna
find a way for the Lord
to forgive you, O. M.
And it all starts
with this new will.
What's in the new will that's,
uh, not in the old will?
Incentive for your children.
Goals, structure, discipline.
Everything you've failed
to give them in life.
There we go.
O. M. Rivers.
Ah. (KISSING)
OM: Bitsy, Sonny,
Fuzby, come to me.
Daddy, I'm here, Daddy.
-Kids. Not you two.
-Excuse me, Father.
You're not part of the family.
You're gonna be
all right, Daddy.
-Everything's gonna
be all right.
-Uh-huh.
We can't afford
to lose you, O. M.
-The trees need you.
-I'm sorry
I upset you like this.
I apologize for every
homosexual experience
I've ever had,
or ever will have.
Please forgive me, Dad.
I... I love you.
Well, I hope you still love me
after you hear the will.
Why, have you
changed something?
Yes, but the change is...
Is good.
For all of you. Honest.
Father Kelly?
To whom
it may concern.
My estate valued
at $200 million,
coupled with all
future profits and assets
of Old Man Rivers Industries.
Is to be equally
divided between
my son, Sonny,
my daughter, Bitsy,
and my environmental advisor,
Fuzby Robinson
on the following condition.
Condition?
One or both
of my children
must bear me a legitimate
grandchild within 12 months
of my death.
If nobody succeeds,
all monies go directly
to our Lady Queen of Figueroa.
Attention Father Seamus Kelly.
SONNY: What?
-P. S.,
this child must be
conceived in
the traditional way.
Only through
old fashioned lovemaking
as so beautifully portrayed
in the Bible.
Signed O. M. Rivers
a. k. a. Dad.
-(SOUND OF FLOW
OF AIR REDUCING)
-(GRUNTING)
(GASPING)
(LOUDLY EXHALES)
BITSY: Daddy?
-He's gone.
-Thank God he went peacefully.
(SOBBING)
I suggest there be not a word
of this to the press or you'll
be inundated with gold diggers
who have no conscience
and no integrity.
He never intended this.
I can only tell you
what's here in the will.
I'll take you
to the highest court.
And have your dick knocked
so far up into your head,
your balls will bounce into
your larynx and you'll be
pissin' out of your toupee.
-Give him hell, Bitsy.
-(BITSY CRYING)
Now, who do you think
a jury will believe?
A homosexual?
A lesbian?
Or a man of God?
-Which one are you?
-(BITSY SOBBING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Hey, Reed, Reed,
will you stop with the food?
Rent is due, we gotta go
to work, come on.
(ENGLISH ACCENT) I don't
want you to go to work
without a little
breaky in you.
I made Reality
Real Estate salad,
it's gonna give drive.
I want to get
a little world view.
-It's gonna give you roughage.
-Will you stop
with the accent?
Drop the accent.
People are gonna
think your phony, all right.
I wanna be an actor,
I've gotta have an accents.
Accents don't work
in real estate, Reed.
-Customers, customers.
Let's go...
-When I become a star...
Get the fuck out of here.
Come on.
Work before we eat, all right?
Okay, all right.
-Come on, get fucking moving.
-I just made that salad.
-Enough with the salad.
-(GRUNTS)
Get up Reed.
Reed, up, Reed.
Reed, up, you imbecile,
get up.
Up, good boy.
Hey, hey, before you dial,
I want you to visualize
your customer.
I want you to be inspired.
I want you to bring home
the bacon.
Now, come on.
You got the picture,
numb nuts?
You know what's gonna
inspire me most?
To get that 150
to pay you back, so I can get
you outta my life.
(LAUGHING)
You want your freedom?
You earn it.
Before I met you,
I was ridin' high.
Before you met me
you were ridin'
the fuckin' bus.
Dial, baby, dial.
-(PHONE RINGING ON OTHER END)
-Hello.
-Hello, Mr. William Edgar?
-No, thanks.
Hi, this is Reed Richmond.
I'm down at Reality
Real Estate
in our Calabasas office.
-Fuck you, man.
-Here it is, right to the top.
Reality Real Estate
is offering you the first
option to buy
a parcel of 1000 square feet
right outside Kiev,
in Chernobyl
in the Soviet Union.
When you get in
before the Russians get in
and get out with a big profit.
(BELL TOLLING)
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
(CRYING)
Don't count
your money yet, sweetheart.
I'm gonna bring you in
on a murder wrap.
Daddy.
Who's gonna
believe you, deary?
You'll believe me
when you meet
my little baby boy.
-What baby's that?
-Frank Della Rocca. (LAUGHS)
Okay, let's go
over here, Daddy.
Just... Here...
Daddy, Daddy,
thank you, Daddy.
You've released me
from my dark secret.
(SPLASH)
Oh.
-I'll get it.
-(SCREAMING)
Some water.
Oh, that's beautiful,
thank you.
-Mmm, that's good.
No, no, oh, no.
-Can I get you...
-(NURSE MUMBLING TO BITSY)
-(GLASS BREAKS)
Uh-oh.
FATHER KELLY: Good mornin'.
I got here as soon as I could.
Had two masses
and an escrow closing.
-I'm bushed.
-Get outta here.
You've brought shame
to my family.
I'm gonna show you
and your church
cause I have a baby!
I'm gonna buy and sell you,
you satanic scum!
You're havin'
an extra spiritual experience.
-Go with it.
-You go with it.
You go with it, you punk.
You... Oh.
You go with it.
Your mother sucks cocks!
Big ones!
Big ones! Oh, there they are.
Suck 'em!
(MOANING) There's your mother,
suckin' the big one.
Suckin' the big one. (WAILING)
Would you mind leavin'
us alone, Bitsy and I?
Of course, us guys will split
and leave you guys alone.
-Come on, Padre, out.
-Forgive me, forgive me.
-Come on, Bitsy.
-You believe me,
don't you Susan?
You believe me.
Sonny.
I'm proud of you, lad.
You have plenty
of courage and faith.
And that's why you're not
fallin' apart like
your sister.
Was she ridiculous
with those ashes.
Even I was embarrassed
and usually nothin'
bothers me.
Well, can you blame her
for cracking up?
She's facing
a life of poverty.
Don't talk about
my sister anymore, okay?
She's none of your business.
Ah, you're a loyal boy,
Sonny boy.
And if anyone deserves
that money more than me,
it's you.
And your sister.
God bless you.
Daddy's in heaven with mommy.
My little baby Frank,
the family tree.
-Susan?
-Yes.
-I love you.
-I love you, Bitsy.
-Bitsy's got to get well.
She's our only hope.
-George?
-What?
-She's not our only hope.
-What're you saying?
-Well, there's me.
-You?
-Me and Susan.
-You and Susan what?
-Me and Susan
and baby makes three.
You piglet!
Your sister's lover?
You'd have sex with her.
No, I'm not talking to you
for as long as I live.
I'll be in the car.
George, I'm only
doing it for us.
Favors like that I don't need.
I'd rather go live
in the streets.
Look, what would you do
if you were in my place?
I'd keep my dick in my pants
and come home
with George Bianco.
Uh, that's me,
in case you've forgotten.
I'm leaving
and you'd better be
following me,
because if you're not,
I'll be in the car...
All alone.
Bitsy?
It's me, Sonny.
Everything's gonna
be okay, sweetheart.
We're all pullin' for you.
You just get better
and leave everything to me.
-Bitsy?
-She can't hear a word
you're saying.
Then this is
the perfect opportunity
To tell you that I find you
deeply attractive Susan.
Go on?
I wanna make you my princess.
I wanna lay you down
on the Eames chair
and make it all happen.
Make what happen?
Love.
Pregnancy.
Babies.
Money.
You know
the equation, sweetness.
George is dead asleep
at 12:20 without fail.
I'll be looking to meet you
on the couch at exactly 12:22.
What about Bitsy?
Well, we're doing it for her.
Oh, okay.
You're sexy and you're clever
and I'm gonna need
a lot of help.
(GRUNTING)
See you later.
(MOANING)
(SULTRY CLASSICAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON TV)
9-7-6-Olay. (KISSING NOISE)
Hi.
I'm Jill down at Easy Escort.
All alone?
There's no need for that.
Your Easy Escort girl
is just a phone call away.
FRANK JR: Hey, Reed.
I'm in love with this upper
right hand corner, huh?
Hey, hey, hey, Olaylay, hey.
Call 9-7-6-Olay.
We deliver when you pickup.
9-7-6-Olay,
night or day. Bring money.
Hey, hey, hey, Olay.
Olay. (KISSES)
What'd you say?
Hi. 9-7-6-Easy Escort?
Yeah, this is
Frank Della Rocca,
the President of
Reality Real Estate.
That young woman in
the upper right hand corner
has had a delicious
effect on me.
Yeah, I'd like her
to escort me to
the Southern California
Real Estate Convention
just getting underway at 1217
and a half Tuxedo Park
in Calabasas.
Right.
Yeah, tell her to
ask for Frank,
the midnight rambler.
Yeah.
GEORGE: I'm in a lot of pain,
Mr. Rivers.
It's called heartache in case
you haven't noticed.
SONNY: Go to sleep, George.
You look terrible.
You look puffy.
Have you been drinking?
GEORGE: You have
no sensitivity.
I have not missed
an AA meeting
in six years.
You're putting me
to sleep George.
Oh, now I'm a bore.
I didn't say that.
Just go to sleep.
The only way I'll go to sleep
is if you give me
two good night kisses.
One on each ball.
Oh, you're a laugh a decade.
George, you're not gonna
stop me from doing
what has to be done.
If you lie down
on top of Susan Connor,
I'll kick your ass.
-Don't forget
I was a tight end.
-Oh, a tight end?
Well, some things
certainly have changed.
Ha-ha.
George, if you could
get pregnant, we wouldn't
have to do this.
Anybody but her, Sonny.
Name someone.
I don't know.
What women do I know?
Well, that's my point.
How will you ever look
your sister in the eye again?
I don't enjoy this.
It would be
absolutely criminal
to let Father Kelly walk away
with my father's money.
But if it's going to turn you
into a drooling psychotic
I'd be willing to forget
the money
and go out and get a job.
But what would I do all day?
So just swallow your pride
while I jump on Susan.
This is all a nightmare.
This is not really happening,
so you can leave because
this is not really real.
Well, there you go.
Just go to sleep.
Bye, bye, and in the morning
it will be all over.
At least be a man.
What does that mean?
Make sure you're on top.
I know my way
around a woman, okay.
For your information,
25 years ago
I had an intimate exchange
with a Spanish female.
Hi.
I thought you
chickened out on me.
Sonny Rivers
does not chicken out.
So, uh,
you wanna go outside
under the stars
or you wanna, um,
just do it on the floor?
That's up to you.
You are the man.
I am the little boy.
Boy oh boy,
I'm a little, tiny boy.
Well,
you do look like a little boy,
you minx you.
(WHISPERING) I'm wearing
a skimpy pair of jockey shorts
with a roll
of quarters inside,
just for you, Buster.
Oh,
very nice.
Wanna see what
I did for you Susan?
Close your eyes.
Are you ready?
-Voila!
-(GASPS) Oh, my God.
Get over here.
(GASPS)
-Tell me what to do.
-Lie down on your back.
-I'll be right with you.
-Uh, no way,
I have to be on top
or we're not in business.
Is this shit what goes on
between you and George?
What goes on
between me and George
is none of your affair.
Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to offend you, Sonny.
Or should I say Big Sonny,
even though I haven't seen
anything yet, Studberry.
See you down south.
Susan.
If I'm gonna be judged,
I'm gonna be judged
in the dark.
(PANTING) That's better.
(PANTING)
I got you where
I want you now, Studberry.
Take me, Susan,
take me to Paris.
(MOANING)
It's not working.
George usually does something.
Wait, I have an idea.
(GASPS)
Excuse me, Father.
Don't interrupt me.
I'm in the middle
of a fantasy.
Yes, Father.
And...
When you're finished,
I have some news
about Bitsy Rivers.
Mmm. Poor Bitsy Rivers...
Took a mighty fall.
Thank God she has her faith.
Father,
do you remember at the funeral
when Bitsy started babbling
about having a son?
Well, I looked up the name
Frank Della Rocca and
low and behold, there is such
a person and he lives right
here in the Southland.
-That's enough, Sister.
-Yes, Father.
Call the others.
Yes, Father.
Sister Ursula, Sister Tina!
This...
Is all I ever really wanted...
Ever.
I wanted to be a priest
and that came true.
And now I want to be a bishop
but I really haven't got time
to be a bishop.
And the only way
I can skip bishop
and go directly to cardinal
is by showing the Vatican
my fund raising skills,
i.e., the 200 million bucks.
No one is going to
take that away from me.
No one.
I will be cardinal
and no son of a Bitsy Rivers
is going to be my downfall.
Sister Ursula,
get into our nurse's outfit,
and don't forget
our squeaky shoes.
And Sister Agnes,
I want you to slip into
our lovely blue dress,
get on your bike
and ride all night
until you
take care of business.
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
(DOOR OPENS)
Well?
-Well what?
-Well, I hope it was awful.
Actually, it was fun.
FRANK JR: Hey, Reed,
you really think
I'm gonna score?
Course I'm gonna score.
I'm just playing with you.
Hey, what, what?
You don't think
I'm gonna score.
Get under the bed
and watch me,
if you don't believe me.
Get under there
and find yourself
a low angle gander.
Yeah, watch Frank Della Rocca
charm the underpants
off that Easy Escort girl.
She loves me,
she loves me not.
She loves me,
she loves me not.
She loves me...
Well, I wouldn't get
too excited, Frank.
You know, she could be a real
bow-wow-wow in person,
you know.
FRANK JR: Get under the bed.
-(SIGHS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
FRANK JR: Hey, Reed,
enjoy the show. Comin'.
Hi.
-Um...
-You're not the one I ordered.
You know, there really
should be a discount here.
I'm serious.
All right, forget it.
I'm only jokin'.
You gotta make
a livin' too, right?
Come on in.
You know sometimes a man
has to accept what he can get,
you know what I'm sayin'?
-(LAUGHING)
-Haha, right.
Are you Frank Della Rocca?
Frank Della Rocca.
Reality Real Estate.
-Oh
-The midnight rambler.
Right, well then I'd like
to look at some property.
And I'd like to look at some
of your property.
(CHUCKLES POLITELY)
Where are you from Frank?
What do you mean?
Where was I born
or where do I live?
Uh, no, no, don't answer that.
That's a dumb question.
Sometimes I can be
so fuckin' stupid,
it's amazin'.
(KNOCKS)
Don't move.
Frank? The midnight rambler?
Hold on a sec.
Who the fuck are you?
I told you I'm here to look
at some real estate.
Oh. Now I get it.
What a jerk I am.
Let me get
my number one salesman.
-Great.
-Don't move. Reed! Reed!
Reed. Come on out.
We've got a customer.
Reed Richmond.
Reality Real Estate.
-I don't do orgies.
-No, no, those two
aren't stayin'.
-Come on in.
-Hey, Reed. Sell the woman
some real estate, Reed.
Ah, use the other office.
Hey show her
the back 40, Reed.
I'll see ya in the mornin'.
Late in the morning.
-Okay, well here's
the property we've got.
-Mmm-hmm...
It's a little, uh, simulation
of reproduction of a property
we represent outside Minsk.
So what's your name?
No names.
Are we gonna get started
or would you just like
to hold hands?
-Whatever you want.
-I want the money.
Excuse me. One minute.
Got it right here.
My very special
entertainment sock.
Two hundred
fifty dollars, right?
Yeah, I know.
Now, I wish it didn't
have to be this way.
This is your idea, the money.
But, uh, I could do it
for nothin'.
There's a 150.
I gotta look around
for the other 100.
Just hang with me a minute.
I got it...
I got it.
Just it's around here.
Let's see.
Hey, I gotta go.
Hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait.
I'm in love with you
in case you didn't notice.
I mean, I don't even care
that you're a 9-7-6 girl.
I mean, I don't judge people
by their profession.
You could be, uh, what,
a school teacher
I'd still be in love with ya.
As a matter of fact,
you remind me
of one of my teachers.
Yeah, hey, come on,
I'm in love with you.
If you wanna be in love,
it's gonna cost you
a lot more.
Boy, it sounds like your life
has been a very long
and rough journey, huh?
We're here to talk
about you, Frank,
if you're able to finance it.
Hey, could you lend me
the $100?
How long have you known Frank?
Well, he's unknowable,
you know,
unlike me who's dying
to be known.
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
I'm kinda rehearsing
for an improv
down at the group theater
down on Cahuenga.
It's about this, like,
English teddy boy rocker,
and he leaves London
because everything's wrong.
and there's not enough sun.
And, like, he like comes to LA
because he thinks
he's gonna be great
and he hopes to get
this great demo.
But within a fortnight,
it's like everything's
all fucked,
everything's gone awry,
you know. And it all ends up
at Pinks which is like great.
And it's like kinda of
a Joe Orton, like, you know,
butt plug kinda fantasy...
I'm not done yet because
of course it's improvised.
Have you ever
met Frank's family?
-(IN NORMAL VOICE) His family?
-Uh-huh.
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
Ain't got no family,
all right. I'm his mom.
He's got no dad.
His brother's all right,
but he's not alive.
So it's me and Frank
and get the fuck outta here.
(LAUGHING) Excuse me?
Are we gonna have sex or what?
Cause if not, I'd like you
to piss right off,
get on your little muff cycle
and just be gone.
Spoof! Haha.
(SQUEALS)
Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right.
Wrong. Right. Bingo.
There's nothing I can do
to change your mind, huh?
Frank, it's been fabulous.
Hey, whatever happened
to love?
I already explained
that to you.
Listen, I know you're not
gonna tell me your name,
but, like, when I call,
who do I ask for?
Gracia.
But if I don't get back
to you,
don't take it personally,
or any other way.
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Hey, you didn't hurt
my buddy, did you?
Huh?
Hey!
Hey, he's my little buddy.
He's my little... (SCREAMING)
(DOOR CLOSING)
REED: (IN NORMAL VOICE)
Hey, Frank.
Frankie.
-(MOANING) Hey, Reed.
-Eh?
Oh.
How'd it go there,
love tron, uh?
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
She give you little crabbies?
Ah. She gave me a discount,
Reed. She dug me.
I probably could've had her
for nothin', man.
-She was all over me like
an octopus. I'm wasted.
-(LAUGHING)
Yeah, I had the same problem
outside, you know.
She didn't want real estate.
She wanted Wilbur
and that's what she got.
A little bit of
cement de l'amour.
Very thorough.
-We're the best.
-The best, yeah.
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
That's right.
BITSY: Sorry I lost my temper
with you yesterday, Father.
FATHER KELLY: Well,
God forgives
all nervous breakdowns.
I am nervous, very nervous.
-This is Nurse Neely.
-NURSE NEELY: How do you do?
She's gonna go home with you
and take care of you.
When you get in the house,
I want you to take off
all your clothes,
get into bed with Susan,
and enjoy yourself.
And no matter how many
evil thoughts
you're suppressing about me,
-I'll be right here.
-BITSY: Hello, Vincent.
FATHER KELLY: As your
family priest and attorney
until this 200 million
is sorted out and into
the proper hands.
Well, what are you
waiting for, Vincent? Get in.
I'm never getting in.
Never again. I've had enough.
Getting in, getting out.
Open the door. Wait for you.
Wait for Sonny.
Wait for George.
Wait for Susan.
There are too many of you,
and you're all going nowhere.
And I've been
taking you there.
I've been with you
for 30 years.
It's time to say I have
no more hope
and I cannot cope.
No more hope
and I cannot cope.
-No more hope and I...
-Hey, I'll drive.
Thank you Nurse Neely.
Move it out.
-Hello. Good afternoon.
Is this Susan Grady?
-Hello, is this...
Hi, it's Reed Richmond
calling you from
Reality Real Estate
located in highest
energy center
in the Pacific Rim...
-For you to take a small
percentage of your savings
-For you right now.
-It's very special.
-And to buy some land
in the Soviet Union.
I'm sorry, did I call earlier?
And you're not interested?
Hey, Sonny.
I had a great time last night.
-Who's your shrink?
-Oh.
BITSY: Bitsy's home.
Bitsy's home.
Bitsy's home. Bitsy's home.
-Bitsy's home. Bitsy's home.
Bitsy's home.
-Bitsy! You're home!
-Hello, George.
-You look sensational.
Vincent quit.
He's in the psycho ward.
Same ward I was in.
Isn't that ironic, George?
He was the driver
and we drove him crazy.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Hope he doesn't think
he's Vincent van Gogh
and cut off his ear.
That would be a delusion.
Ouch! Ouch!
-Bitsy's home. Hello.
-Bitsy, dear, dear, dear,
we know you're home.
-Where's Sonny and Susan?
-Nothing happened.
-Bitsy's home. Bitsy's home.
-I swear to you
nothing happened. Nothing.
Susan.
Sonny.
Susan?
Sonny.
Hello, George. Susan.
-Hello, Susan.
-Bitsy.
-Welcome home. Oh.
-My beautiful flower.
-You didn't betray me,
did you?
-Bitsy, darling.
Hello, Sonny. You remember me?
-Your sister, Bitsy?
-Of course.
Nothing happened!
Nothing happened.
I'm so sorry.
It must have been very boring
for you all day long...
-With nothing happening.
-Oh, yes,
it was really boring.
Very boring, Bitsy.
Well, never fear,
because Bitsy's here,
and her little baby Frank
is close behind.
Do you have the number
for the hospital?
Sonny, Frank hasn't
called yet, has he?
-No. No, no, no.
-Nobody's called, Bitsy.
-No?
-No.
(SCREAMS)
Nurse Neely,
I am so sorry.
This is my brother, Sonny.
This is his friend, George.
This is my friend, Susan.
It is Nurse Neely,
isn't it? Yes.
We're crazy but we're clean.
(LAUGHING)
-Oh. Fuzby?
-Yes.
Come here.
-How are the trees?
-Fine.
Thank you. Amen.
Nurse Neely.
This is Nurse Neely.
Fuzby. Lovely.
-I'm Fuzby Robinson.
-Hello.
(RINGING)
I'll get it.
Rivers' residence.
It's for the lady
of the house.
I'll get it.
Thank you, Nurse Neely.
-Hello.
-Hi, this is Frank Della Rocca
down at Reality Real Estate.
I have fresh parcels
of land in Albania.
Available now
especially for you.
Very, very special offer.
Frank?
Where have you been?
I have been waiting
for your call.
You've had your mother
a nervous wreck.
Where are you, darling?
Reality Real Estate is located
at 1217 1/2 Tuxedo Park.
Is that in the
vicinity, darling?
-It's in Calabasas.
-(INAUDIBLE)
Um,
do I take the
Santa Monica Freeway
to the 405 and then go north?
-You got it.
-All right, sweetheart.
I'll be there
in just a few minutes.
Now, don't move.
Bye, bye, baby.
Who was that?
It was my son,
Frank Della Rocca.
Your son?
I'm gonna go see him now.
He needs me.
Who's driving?
I'll drive.
Are you coming, Daddy?
-Please trust me, Susan.
-Okay, Bitsy.
Let's go.
-We're gonna follow you.
-Hurry up before
Frank grows up.
-(HORN HONKING)
-Father!
-Esther.
Look at you go now.
-(LAUGHING)
-Ride sister, ride!
-(LAUGHING)
-Come to me. Come to me.
-Ah. Oh. Oh.
Sister, you're standing
on the site
of your new convent.
Oh, Father, I have bad news.
There is a son
and I have seen him.
Frank Della Rocca, Jr.
Where is this schmuck?
SUSAN: Talk to me, Bitsy.
My sweet 16 birthday party.
Frank Della Rocca, Sr.
-He was a valet parker.
-Valet parker? You are absurd.
So I wake up on coke
with this chick's finger
up me bum
and I say to meself,
let's nod.
-So I do. I call up Steve.
-Reed, Reed. Come here.
Come here.
-Yeah.
-Keep it down, all right.
I gotta call my fiancee.
Really?
REED: So I'm laying down
some tracks with
the best engineer...
Oh, Gracia, Gracia,
I want you in my face-uh.
I won't disgrace-yuh.
-Be my baby tonight.
-It's like, I'm trying
to do my songs.
Hi, this is Frank Della Rocca
down at Reality Real Estate.
Yeah, I don't know quite
how to say this,
but I'm in love
with this wonderful person.
Her name is Gracia
and I'd like to see her.
-Frank.
-What?
Come on,
we got customers, okay?
Just pulled up in a Jaguar,
all right?
Hey, it's that chick
from last night.
What's she doin'
with a priest?
Maybe she wants to
get married.
Sister Agnes.
I want to go over this
with you one more time.
Now when I say what,
you do what?
Escrow, blood test.
Perfecto.
I can feel the weight
of the red hat
on my head already.
Easter Sunday. St. Peters.
-Yes.
-Rome. I'm marching
two cardinals away
from the Pope.
-He looks at me. I look back.
-(BELLS TOLLING)
I subtly mention
the 200 million.
Later I invite him to Malibu
for some sun.
This is the big one.
Back off, Murray.
I just gotta go over
a few things
with the developers
and this is a done deal.
He'll be off the phone
in just a minute.
Right, yeah,
catch you later, Murray.
-Hi.
-Father Seamus Kelly.
Our Lady Queen of Figueroa.
I'm lookin' for some acreage
in the Soviet Union.
My parishioner here tells me
that you're the best game
in town,
so let's play land deal, boyo.
-Frank Della Rocca.
-Reed Richmond.
What's the best deal you got?
Nine hundred acres.
Fifteen miles north of Moscow.
Rich farm land. Lookin' to be
an apartment building maybe.
We move along, we could be
in escrow by sundown.
Escrow! Es...
Oh, oh, excuse me.
I'd just love to be in escrow
in Moscow. Escrow.
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
I'd like to be in Paris
in the springtime.
Maybe you'd like to be
in escrow in Moscow,
we can meet over in Berlin,
go look at that
broken down wall,
talk about the future
of the universe.
Here it is.
-(HORN HONKING)
-Oh, right.
Hey, more customers.
-What a day, huh?
-Escrow. Escrow.
-Hey, what's the matter
with you?
-She's a woman, boyo.
Have sympathy.
It's the Real
Estate Commission!
-Fuck!
-Oh, no, they're gonna
pull the plug on us.
-Fuck me.
-I'll cover for you boys.
Get under your bed.
-(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)
-Fuck me.
REED: Oh, no, they're gonna
pull the plug on us.
You answer the door, lady.
Tell 'em Frank's not here.
And, lady,
I'm lookin' to get into escrow
as soon as possible.
-Hello.
-Uh...
Sorry!
Hello, I'm Bitsy Rivers.
I'm here to see
Frank Della Rocca.
Just wait.
Ah.
Hey. Hey. Hey!
Yo, bitch.
What the fuck are you...
(SCREAMS)
-Did you get the blood?
-Yes, I got it.
-Show it to me.
-(PANTING)
-Pull Bitsy's medical records
and get to the lab.
-Mmm-hmm.
Find out if her blood type
matches with
Frank Della Rocca's.
Oh, this is exciting.
-Goodbye, Sister.
-Hello, Father.
Get moving.
Ah! Oh, God!
-Oh, Reed, Reed.
-What is it?
-Reed, she shot me
with heroine. Reed.
-Oh, come on.
Reed. I'm gettin' dizzy, man.
-It's okay.
-I can't see. Reed,
get out there
and get rid of those people
and then call
an ambulance, man.
I'm dyin' in here.
(GRUNTING)
-Oh, my God. Frank?
-No. No Frank here.
-Aren't you Frank Della Rocca?
-No, Reed Richmond.
-I'm sorry.
Where is Frank Della Rocca?
-I don't know.
FATHER KELLY:
I got here as soon as I could.
He had a brain tumor,
he had to leave.
That real estate commission's
out of control.
They stuck me with a shot
of heroin, Father.
-I'm woozy here.
-Woozy or not Frank,
you're my man in Russia.
Hey, forget business,
all right. I'm high,
do you mind? I need rehab.
Somebody do
an intervention,
man.
I'll do an intervention
on you myself.
Come on, lad.
Come on, Bitsy, let's go.
Wait a minute.
You're Frank, I know it!
You're just being shy.
Yeah, well,
what's wrong with that?
BITSY: George. Sonny.
Frank, I'd like you to meet
my big brother, Sonny Rivers,
and this is his friend,
George.
And this is your Aunt Susan.
Isn't he beautiful,
boys?
I'm not Frank.
Okay? I'm Reed Richmond.
Reed Richmond?
Where do I know that
name from?
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
Well, you know, yeah,
I'm still in class actually,
a little scene study,
over on Cahuenga.
Little off-Broadway.
He's just covering up,
because
you're making him nervous.
He thinks you're making
a pass at him.
Me? I'd rather
make a pass at you, Bitsy.
BITSY: Frank?
-Right.
-Whoa!
-Hey, there, buddy.
-Hey, what's up, baby?
-Where's Frank?
-Never heard of him.
You have. You just beeped me.
-I have not!
-Who just beeped you?
Frank Della Rocca
and he owes me 250.
Is that right, Frank?
Listen,
I got no money, all right?
It's all tied up in war bonds.
And it's all gone. No cash.
I'm tap city, babe.
I'm tap city.
Well, honey,
I'll take care of it.
How much does he owe you?
Two fifty.
There's 300. Keep the change.
-I'm taking this
out of your allowance, Frank.
-All right.
-Thanks,
you're a real gentleman.
-Thank you.
Oh, my goodness,
what a gorgeous girl.
-That Frank's a lucky puppy.
-Thanks, Mom.
Now why can't I get to
a girl like that.
Because you don't need to,
Sonny.
Frank Della Rocca is here.
He's gonna take
all our troubles away.
-Bitsy.
-BITSY: What?
-You know you really
let me down.
-What do you mean, George?
You got suckered
by a two-bit hustler.
I didn't sucker anyone,
all right, you fagatini.
-What?
-You wait a minute, honey,
I'm a fagatini too.
We're all fagatinis,
sweetheart.
SONNY: You're the odd one out.
Come on, George. It's obvious
I have work to do.
-Hang tough, Bitsy.
-Sonny,
you're spinning your wheels.
BITSY: Spinning your wheels.
-Oh, Nurse Neely.
-Yes.
How much would you charge
for me to get you pregnant?
-I couldn't do anything
like that, sir.
-Why not?
I can't say why.
-Oh, now look
what you've done.
-Leave me alone.
-Frank!
-Or I'll find
someone who will.
Right.
-Frank, Frank?
-Yeah.
It's time to go home
with me and Susan
for the rest of your life.
-Bitsy, may I have a word
with you, please?
-Come on now.
-Pack your bags.
-Yeah.
-I think he likes me.
-I think he likes
your pocketbook, you fool.
You'll be sorry
you said that, Susan.
When I locate his father,
Frank Senior,
and I marry him
and he testifies
that this is true.
What if he's already married,
Bitsy?
Well, then he'll divorce
his wife after I pay her off
and then we'll stay married
long enough
for me to legitimize
baby Frank
and then I'll pay him off.
And then you and me and Frank,
we'll move down to Santa Fe
and open up an art gallery.
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
What's up giblets?
If you bring him home,
you can say goodbye
to me forever.
And P.S.,
give my ass a big kiss.
I need a chauffeur, Frank.
Are you that chauffer?
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
Listen, I'm the president
of me own corporation, right?
I can't afford
that kind of downgrade.
Would 7000 dollars a week
be an insult?
No.
Then get in the car.
(LAUGHING)
(SPITS)
BITSY: Oh, all right.
Right there.
Ease it in.
Yes.
(DOGS BARKING)
Whoo.
-I'm on to you.
-Excuse me!
You're the most handsome
chauffer I've ever had.
Thanks, mom,
you're very attractive
yourself.
Hey, you. Wait up!
(LAUGHING)
Sure.
-All this is yours, Frankie.
-Oh, this is great, you know.
I just feel like
I'm comin' home, you know.
-You are home.
-Sure.
-You're my baby.
-Whoo!
-BITSY: Oh, come to mama.
-(FRANK YELLING)
Oh, he's my baby. Oh.
I love him, I love him.
You know, Father,
you are sporting
a very nice piece.
-What's a piece?
-You know, a toupee.
I'm not wearing a toupee.
Is it a weave.
It's a good one.
Frank.
Don't be projecting your fear
of baldness onto my head.
What you see here
is 100 percent natural.
Get outta here.
I know a rug when I see one.
Besides,
there's nothing wrong
with wearing a toupee.
Shut up!
SONNY: Oh. Oh, yeah.
(WOMAN IN SPANISH ACCENT)
Take me, gringo man.
I'm ready.
SONNY: Oh, yes.
I want you to have my baby.
Does your boyfriend
have to watch us?
-Watch what?
We haven't done anything yet.
-Yes, but you know.
I'm beginning to feel
in the mood to do nasty,
and how do you say,
do wild things to your body,
gringo man.
-Yes.
-Oh.
-George, stop looking at us.
-(MOANING)
In fact go get the blanket
and put it on the sand.
SONNY: Come on, let's do it.
Come on, let's get
in the sand.
(WOMAN SQUEALING)
George, open the door.
I'm coming out.
-Yes, let's go. Yes.
-(WOMAN SQUEALING)
(GRUNTING)
(ALL GRUNTING)
-Ah.
-WOMAN: Hey!
There's a cramp in my leg.
It's no use.
There is no way
you could have me tonight.
(GRUNTS)
-I can't fuck you like this.
-We've blown it again, Sonny.
Bitsy doesn't have a son
and you can't make a kid.
-Who are we kidding?
We're finished.
-Ah, you're right.
We're finished.
Well, let's look
on the bright side.
I mean, come on.
We have our memories,
don't we?
We were couple of the year
at the racquet club in '79.
Hey, just take me home, okay?
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Frankie, it's Mommy.
Did I come
at a bad time,
honey?
Well, get your PJs on
and I'll be back
in a few minutes.
Toupee or not toupee,
that really is the question.
Have a seat.
Let's play land deal, boyo.
You got all the answers,
don't you?
Come on, Father,
let's get down to it.
I'm tired of waitin' here.
Hang on to your seat, Frank.
You just hang on
to that magic carpet of yours,
all right?
(THUD)
(BLOWS)
(BELLS TOLLING)
(CHUCKLING)
You people got a strange way
of doing business.
You think a little piece
of nothing is gonna hold
Frank Della Rocca back?
-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-(SCOFFS)
-The door.
-Oh.
Uh, may I help you?
-(IN DEEP VOICE) Blood test.
-(SIGHS)
-Uh, how much is that?
-My boss says there's
no charge for the church,
but he wouldn't mind
if you remembered him
in your prayers.
Oh, bless you.
-Nighty, night.
-Good night.
Negative.
-It's all negative, Aggie.
-(LAUGHS)
Frank,
there are only five people
in the world I can tolerate,
and you're not one of them.
You're shutting me out
just because
of the toupee thing?
That is sad.
(BARKING)
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you like
a little of that.
-Get a little in there,
just...
-BITSY: Frankie?
-Mommy's here to tuck you in.
-Oh, all right!
-Sure.
-Come on.
Get under there.
-There.
You all cuddled up now?
-Sure.
(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
Oh, you look so pretty,
if you weren't my mother I'd,
I'd ask you to marry me.
Oh, Frank, I always knew
you were gonna be sensitive.
I'm gonna get you out of L.A.
in a hurry,
so you can flourish and grow.
Mommy's very proud
of you, Frank.
I'm proud of you too, Ma.
I'm proud of how rich you are.
How'd you do it?
Hard work and a lot of money,
Frank.
But now that you're here,
I'm only gonna
concentrate on you.
You're my baby.
You're my little Frank.
Oh, sweetheart, 22 years ago
I made the biggest mistake
of my life.
But if you forgive me,
I promise I'll be
the best mother you ever had.
Okay.
Enough of this.
We have the rest of our life
to talk, don't we?
-Sure.
-Why don't you turn off
the light?
Close your eyes.
Mommy's gonna
sing you a lullaby.
She's hired this guy
to be the new chauffeur.
Why'd she have to pick
such a creep?
He looks like a low budget
Tony Curtis.
BITSY: ♪ Now...
♪ I was very young, Frankie
♪ I didn't know what you'd be
♪ And how you'd grow
♪ Now I see you lying here
♪ My sweet little baby
♪ Dry your tears
♪ I'm here with you
♪ Frankie, I love you,
I love you so
♪ I won't ever leave you
This you must know
♪ You found your mommy
And she's found her son
♪ And now our life
Has just begun together ♪
-(REED GROANS)
-(HUMMING)
♪ Hush little boy
♪ Mama's gonna sing
You're her pride and joy
♪ She loves you ♪
(GROANING)
♪ Go to sleep, Frankie
♪ Go now, now
♪ Go to sleep, Frankie
♪ Go to sleep
♪ Frankie ♪
(BRAYING)
(SIGHING ELATEDLY)
Shh! Get out of here.
I just got Frankie
to sleep.
Well, you tell
your little baby bunting
his first gig is at 8:00 A.M.
sharp.
You make up your mind, Bitsy.
Is that your new son
or your new husband?
I'd like you to
mind your own business
about how I am raising
my child, if you don't mind.
Raising your child?
There is a difference between
a child and an imbecile,
and Reed Richmond,
who that chump is,
is as dumb as they come.
(YELPS)
(GASPS)
(GRUNTING)
Oh.
-Think they're hurting
each other?
-Nah.
-(SCREAMING)
-Bitch! You Albanian bitch!
(MUFFLED SHOUTS)
Oh, my God, Susan.
You can't swim.
Oh! Oh! I'm coming, baby!
(LAUGHING)
-We're both going down, baby.
-(GASPING)
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Susan.
Oh, Bitsy.
I'm sorry.
(BOTH PANTING)
Let's go to bed.
(MOANING)
(MOANING IN DISTANCE)
(DOG BARKING VICIOUSLY)
Special delivery
for Sonny Rivers.
Thank you, Christopher.
Pleasure's all mine.
(LOUD MACHINERY WHIRRING)
(WHIRRING STOPS)
Good morning, Reed.
-What? Uh-uh, nope.
-Listen to me.
You know that I know that
you are not the real
Frank Della Rocca.
-Listen, you don't
get it do you?
-SUSAN: Get what?
I thought you were
with the
Real Estate Commission, okay?
That's why I said
that I wasn't Frank,
all the while being Frank,
see, cause I'm Frank.
All right? Can it.
I am hip to your shit,
shithead.
-You coming with us today?
-No.
-No?
-No.
-Good morning.
-What's so good about it?
This just arrived for you.
And so did this.
-Oh, hi.
-Hi.
BITSY: Frankie, Frankie?
You forgot your hat, honey.
Mommy packed you
a little lunch.
Aw, sure.
You're looking very good,
boys. Sonny,
you're wasting your time.
I know that, Bitsy.
I'm just going
for a backup situation.
Just in case.
Well, do what you have to,
but be back by 5:30
because I'm getting married.
-Excuse me?
-I'm getting married.
Frank,
-I located your father.
-Oh!
-We're getting married
at 5:30.
-(SIGHS)
Okay, turn the key.
Put it in first.
-Gotta go, Ma.
-Okay, honey.
Do what you have to do.
Sure will.
-(HOOTS)
-(BITSY HOOTS)
Come on, Shorty,
we got fish to fry.
God, Susan, look at him drive.
He's brilliant.
See what I found this morning?
"Della Rocca, Frank."
"727 Windshow Place."
-You'll be my best man, Daddy?
-Sure.
The least you could do
is run an ad in the personals
so you can find a virgin.
-Oh, brilliant.
-Oh, I know a virgin.
Tell me about her.
(CHUCKLING)
(PHONE RINGS)
(SNORTING)
(HAWKING)
-Hello.
-SUSAN:
Is this Frank Della Rocca?
-Yeah. Who wants to know?
- Me.
So, who are you?
Someone who wants to
offer you a job that will take
no longer than two hours.
-Cash?
- Yeah, nothing but.
(CHUCKLES)
You're my sweetheart.
Hey, Reed!
Reed!
Reed!
Can you beep her?
Sure you can.
Excuse me sir,
where would you like to meet
my little sister?
George,
would it bother you if I said
I'm gonna fuck
this man's sister
out on the boat?
You never take me on the boat.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Thanks.
You know, Gracia, someday
I'm gonna take you away
from all of this.
Yeah.
FATHER KELLY:
That's it, Sister,
rub the snakes out of me.
(GIGGLING)
That's it, Sister.
-Rub all the
little snakes out.
-(CHUCKLING)
I am so rich and so happy.
Roll out the red carpet
for Cardinal Kelly.
Hello, Roma.
(LAUGHS)
Sister Agnes, Father Kelly!
Bitsy Rivers
is getting married to
Frank Della Rocca Sr.
The wedding's at 5:30.
They found the father
of Bitsy Rivers' son.
All right, Agnes.
Let's move it.
-Don't we know this bimbo?
-Gracia.
-Sonny, this is my sister,
Gracia.
-You're absolutely gorgeous.
I'm Sonny Rivers
and I wanna offer you a job,
the financial compensation,
for which will be very,
very substantial,
I'm talking seven figures.
I'm a very gentle person,
I'm very clean,
and I'm not gonna hurt you.
I respect you as a virgin
and you can bring
your brother along to watch.
So I can be your agent
as well as your brother.
It's good.
Listen, seven figures or not,
I'm gonna need an AIDS test.
Then go get one.
Show him your card.
Nice picture.
I just got mine updated.
SONNY: Very pretty.
Stay.
GEORGE: Sonny!
I'll be here waiting!
I'll be right here!
Why do you want to pay me
so much money to
sleep with you?
Not just sleep with me,
sweetheart.
I want you to be
the mother of my baby.
What if you don't
get me pregnant?
Well, if I do,
I'll give you
two million dollars.
Gracia?
Are you a virgin?
(SCOFFS) Absolutely not.
Is my driver your brother?
'Course not.
Are you a female prostitute?
Yes I am,
but I made everybody else
wear rubbers,
so you have nothing
to worry about.
For some reason,
I trust you implicitly.
Oh...
Hello, girls. I'm the bride.
I need something off beat
to relax the guests.
How about some speed metal?
Zydeco?
How about,
Someday My Prince Will Come?
Listen girls,
this is a small wedding.
I don't have many friends.
Please help me out.
I need something
with a full sound.
A salsa?
-Yeah.
-Hit it.
(BAND PLAYS SALSA MUSIC)
Hey!
Hey. Hey pal,
can you get me
out of this chair?
Wait.
Hey, wait. You're not from
that Real Estate commission,
are you?
No.
I'm from
the Broken Heart's commission.
I'm the president.
Hey, pal,
give me a break, huh?
Oh, hell,
if he's behaving like a whore,
I guess I can too.
Do you find me attractive?
Get the fuck outta here.
(GASPING)
(BED SQUEAKING)
Did I cum?
I don't think so.
Listen, for seven figures
I'll stay until
the coast guard comes.
Thank you.
(SIGHS)
(HORNS BLARE)
Don't I know you
from the Actor's Lab?
That's right. Yeah.
Been to any
good auditions lately?
So, what brings you
to the Marina?
Looking for that rat bastard,
Reed Richmond.
I know that name.
Yeah, Reality Real Estate.
He's my ex-partner.
-Oh.
Speaking of ex-partners...
-Get your hands off me, pal.
My ex-partner, Sonny Rivers,
is out there on that boat
having sex with your
ex-partner's sister, Gracia.
Gracia?
(CHUCKLES)
Gracia ain't his sister.
She's my fiance.
Well, then, you better be
a man and swim out there
and put a stop to this.
No sense me getting jealous.
Why not?
'Cause, she's a hooker.
She's a hooker.
I might as well face it.
The future mother of
my children's
a straight out slut.
Easy escort whore.
I got no reason to live.
(SCREAMS)
Gay shark approaching.
(SIGHS)
It's no good.
It's just not happening.
You're very sweet, Sonny,
but you're just not
into women.
Mmm-mmm.
What's the name
of your boyfriend?
Who?
George! Get out.
(SPLASHES)
Have you ever been
to the Royal Academy.
-No, where's that?
-Santa Monica.
Frank Della Rocca?
I'm Father Kelly.
Is that good or bad, man?
So, you're on
your way to be married
to the woman who claims
to be the mother of the child
that's said to be your son?
FRANK:
Frank Della Rocca is my son
and as far as I'm concerned,
she's the mother.
KELLY: Who?
Bitty...
-Or somebody.
-Bitsy Rivers.
Oh.
I have the results
of the blood test that proves
that Frank Della Rocca Jr.
isn't the son of Bitsy.
So, whatever money
she promised you
is gone my boy-o...
In the wind like Mariah.
-Then what is it
you want of me, pal?
-Don't say I do to her
and see what I do for you.
So, I'm waiting.
Fifty dollars cash.
-Can I have it now, Father?
-KELLY: Sure you can.
Twenty five now
and twenty five later.
Get in, Frank,
we have work to do.
-Is that our Bitty?
-You should be so lucky.
(WHISTLING)
Hey, what kind of deal
you trying to
cut me out of, huh?
One day you're my partner,
the next day you stab me
in the back. Hey, gringo.
You stole my woman,
now you got a cushy job?
Well I got a job, all right?
When are you going to do
something with your life?
Give me that 150,
then maybe I could do
something with my life.
-Why don't you sit down?
-Fuck you Reed.
-Fuck off.
-Hey, give me that 150.
One-fifty! Hey, Reed! Reed!
(BAND PLAYS SALSA MUSIC)
Doors to the right gentleman.
Sonny, George. Any luck?
Another failure.
Let's face it, Susan.
We're broke.
-Maybe Frank Della Rocca.
-Oh, he's a sham.
What is this?
Urgent?
-(BREATHING HEAVILY)
-Mom?
-Frank. There you are.
-Hi.
Mom,
I'd like you to meet Gracia.
Gracia this is my mother.
Hi.
Where have you been darling?
Mom, you look beautiful.
Mom, listen.
Uncle Sonny, he owes Gracia
two million dollars.
I was wondering
if you could cover it for him.
Why don't we discuss it
when your father gets here.
(BRAKES SQUEALING)
-Frank.
-Yeah.
Get in there and bring
Bitsy Rivers to her senses.
I'll be in in a minute.
Get moving.
-Oh, uh,
don't forget my 25 bucks.
-Yeah, yeah.
(INDISTINCT VOICE FROM TAPE)
(GRUNTS)
No fucking bell.
These people
who don't have bells.
(BAND PLAYS SALSA MUSIC)
(WHOOPS)
Hi.
-Frank?
-(SIGHS)
Frank?
Yeah?
Frank Della Rocca, Sr.?
Yeah, that's me. Who are you?
Bitsy.
(LAUGHS)
-Bitty Rivers?
-That's me.
(LAUGHS)
-Hey!
-Oh. Oh.
Oh, wow. I dig it baby.
I dig it.
Where do I know you from?
Uh, wait a minute.
I know. I know you.
Uh... But from where? Uh.
Come on what's the scoop? Huh?
Lay it on me baby.
My sweet 16 slumber party.
Wow.
Refresh my memory
a little sweetheart.
I can feel the weight
of your red bikini
on my head already.
(WHISPERS) Blood test.
KELLY: This is not
what I want to see.
This is some bullshit.
You were a valet parker,
do you remember?
Remember that Frank?
We have a son,
conceived in the garage.
I put him up for adoption
Frank, but I never
put him out of my heart.
And now I found him.
I need you to make
an honest woman
out of me, Frank.
That's lovely, Bitty.
You know, for 75 bucks,
I could do anything you want
and you better hurry,
because see I got
a white collar biting
at my heels.
And I ain't even Catholic.
Hi, Mom.
-Darling.
-Hi.
Say hello to your father.
-How you doing, Dad?
-Son.
It's a great day.
I got here as soon as I could.
What are you doing
in my house?
-Who asked you
to this wedding?
-Well,
I came
to collect 200 million,
for Our Lady Queen
of Figueroa.
Two hundred million? Oh.
-(GRUNTS)
-Fuzby.
It's time to pronounce me
and Frank Della Rocca
husband and wife.
Frank Della Rocca, Jr.
is not any son of yours
or hers or versa visa.
Pass the blood test.
Negative boy-o.
REED: No, no.
Come on. Get out of here.
-Hold on.
-I'm in the middle of a deal.
It's all unraveling.
You and I have
unfinished business here.
-No, no.
-BITSY: Is there a problem?
Mom, don't pay attention
to a word he says.
-He's a con man.
-Would you like me
to have him tossed out
on his chair, honey?
I'm about ready
to toss all of you out.
You, I'll take you to
the highest court in the land.
I'll have your dick knocked
so far up into your head,
you'll be pissing out
of your toupee.
Very well said darling.
-Who are you?
-Mom. Mom!
Never mind about him, Bitsy.
You're finished.
There's nothing left
to say, except,
-"Tough luck."
-(LAUGHS)
The tough luck is yours,
Kelly.
Nothing can save you now,
Sonny.
Don't even waste
my time, boy-o.
I have a cassette here
of an excerpt from a book
sent to me by
a publishing company
for my approval
before going to press.
MAN ON CASSETTE:
Mr. Rivers, this is
Father Fulton McGuffin.
The following excerpt
is from my new book,
"Interesting Confessions
I Have Taped."
This confession
is from 25 years ago.
Hopefully for your approval.
GIRL ON CASSETTE:
Bless me, Father.
I have sinned.
McGUFFIN: Tell me about it.
GIRL: I'm pregnant.
McGUFFIN: What's your name?
GIRL: Consuela Reed Richmond.
Consuela Reed Richmond.
-CONSUELA: I'm sorry.. .
(INDISTINCT)
-I thought I, okay.
Could it be
that she's my mother?
McGUFFIN:
What's the father's name?
CONSUELA: Sonny Rivers.
-My God!
-My baby?
-My partner.
-My goodness.
My Dad.
Son of Sonny.
Son of a gun.
-You're my cousin.
-Fuck you, Reed!
Is that any way
to talk to your family?
Yeah. That's the way
I talk to family.
-Fuck you.
Give me 150 dollars.
-All right. Take a number.
-You're a rich man.
-Give me a kiss.
-You're rich. We're family.
-All right. Get out of here.
-What? Are you homophobic.
-I want my 150 dollars.
-Get off my ass.
-Come on! We're cousins.
-We're not cousins.
-Give me a little...
FRANK JR:
You owe me a 150 dollars.
Now I want it.
-Reed, where's my money?
-Shut up, skank.
Oh, Gracia dear.
I believe I owe you
two million dollars.
Don't cash it till Monday.
-Hey! What about me, Dad?
-Thank you.
I want to go
to business school.
Son, you pimp.
You only qualify
for pimp school.
-Here's your check.
-It's all right.
Make something useful
of your life for a change.
Oh, my God.
Big Tom Tom.
Big Tom Tom?
Kiss me. I'm Irish.
(MOANS)
-Oh!
-Put me red hat on.
KELLY: Help me Sister.
I'm ready now.
I want a go
with me red hat on.
(SISTERS CRY)
(KELLY GRUNTS)
Ever since
you came into my life,
I've been so peaceful
and calm.
I'd like to ask you
to be my little baby boy.
What is your name son?
-Frank Della Rocca.
-Yes.
Hey, wait a minute.
I'm Frank Della Rocca.
-Dad?
-Hey, Bitty.
It just came back to me.
Remember? Sweet 16,
you and me and Frankie D.
The kid looks just like me.
Bitsy Rivers has a son.
Thank you, Daddy!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Mazel tov, Bitsy!
Come on everybody,
let's dance!
(BAND PLAYS SALSA MUSIC)
(BAND CONTINUES PLAYING SALSA)
(LAUGHING)
This is all I ever
really wanted...
Ever.
Fuzby.
There's a check here
for 75 million for you
and the trees.
And God Bless you.
Then get into the car. (SIGHS)
Tree delivery!
It's a strange new world
out there, Father.
I'm not gonna judge anybody.
(TOO MUCH SUN PLAYING)
MAN: ♪ Hi, guys. What?
♪ Yeah, I know I'm late
♪ Course I know I'm late
I just got in
♪ Listen,
I don't want any guff
and don't be a prat
♪ It's like I got hung up
over LAX for like two hours
and I just touched down
♪ Listen, you're on my dollar
so let's get with it
all right?
♪ A one, two, three, rock
♪ Cha-cha
♪ My name is Phil
♪ And here's my song
♪ It's like my willy
♪ It's never wrong
♪ I've had too much sun
♪ My skin's all wrong
♪ Too much sun
♪ I spray my zinc on the sink
♪ And it feels so real
♪ All I want is a record deal
♪ I got nine demos
With a Steel Wheel feel
♪ Hit it, Keith
♪ Life is a dog
Nipping at my heel
♪ I've had too much sun
♪ My skin is all flaky
♪ Too much sun
♪ A rock star in the making
♪ Yeah
♪ Go home while we got
your green dress on
♪ You're nothing, man
♪ I've got a riff
with too many chords, I say
♪ E, G, F, A, B
♪ G, F, E, A, B, B
♪ G, A
Wrong gloom, gooey
♪ Bollocks
safety don't dive in
♪ Again
♪ Oh, yeah, hey, hey
♪ I got my green dress on
♪ Yeah
♪ When I make love
it's understood
♪ I d-d-don't dive in
without me safety hood
♪ I'm up, up
and I love you, baby
♪ I'm a bad boy drunk
and I give you rabies
♪ Too much sun
♪ Everything's wrong
♪ I'm on my bike
♪ End of song ♪
(SPRING PLAYING)
(DOG WHIMPERING)
Oh, boy.
Come on, Brandon. Come on.
Oh. Yes.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Excuse me, Bitsy.
(ALL CHATTERING)
Bye, bye. All right, now.
-I love you.
-Watch out for your
brothers and sisters, okay?
Do what the counselor
tells you. Capice?
-(HONKS HORN)
-PoodleLoo Malibu.
(BARKS)
GEORGE: Sonny.
Yes, I love you.
(DOGS BARKING)
(SPRING PLAYING)
-Good morning, sir.
-Good morning, Vincent.
-Where to, sir?
-Confession.
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
Father? Are you in there?
Yes.
O. M. I didn't ask you here
to confess to me.
I have a confession
to make to you.
I'd be honored, Father.
Pour your heart out.
Oh, God.
Oh. That's Susan,
my daughter's fiancee.
In fact, they might
even be married.
Oh.
I'm sorry about that, Father.
What can I do
to cleanse my soul?
Fifty thousand,
and three Hail Mary's.
That sounds fair.
No, I should pay.
It's probably
all my fault anyway.
You either gave them
too much affection
or not enough.
Or too much allowance
or not enough.
When it comes to children,
you can't express
your love through money.
When it comes to me,
I already have plenty of love.
-I just need enough money
to spread that love around.
-(TEARING PAPER)
There you go.
Ah.
And don't think the Lord
is not suspicious of your son.
-What's the matter
with Sonny?
-I'm askin' you.
The man is 47 years old
and still a bachelor.
I've never seen him
with a woman. Have you?
Well, he certainly
loved his mother,
and his mother loved him.
And Sonny loves women.
Unfortunately,
so does his sister.
I thank you
for your generosity.
And if you find
your son is sick,
I'll give him some counsel.
And if that doesn't work,
we'll get him
to a Gay A meeting.
Well, thank you, Father.
I'm not a bit worried
about Sonny.
He's as masculine a son
as I could have hoped for.
Well... Mmm...
(TIMER TICKING)
(SIGHS)
Well...
Checkmate.
So what? Let's boogie.
All right, you mad thing, you.
(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
How close are we, Fuzby?
Ah. Uh, I planted two
for the kids.
And, uh, I've got 7000
blue gomukes coming in
and 3000 Italian bucksaws.
And I ordered 50 pounds
of human hair to keep
the coyotes off.
How about that Filipino tree?
Ah, the new one?
The, uh, corazon bravo?
It's on its way.
-Perfect.
-It grows tall and very lush.
It's one of a kind, sir.
Trees are your thing, Fuzby.
Make it happen.
(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
-Leave my son alone.
-Tell him to leave me alone.
It's not always me
chasing him, you know.
We have a real
relationship here, sir,
in case you haven't noticed.
Well, stand up and be counted.
-Sonny, it isn't true, is it?
-No, dad.
I swear it's not true.
He's lying, sir.
He pulled my pants down
in the pantry when he was 17.
All right, it's true.
But I wanted to spare you
the agony, Dad.
I'm afraid I do love
George Bianco.
(GRUNTS) God,
have mercy on my soul.
Dad, you'll get over it.
It's not like losing a son.
-It's like gaining
another son.
-I can do mouth to mouth.
Get away from me.
Get away from me.
FATHER: I got here
soon as I could, O. M.
Boy, were you right
about my son.
Well, someone had to tell you.
Now listen, O. M.
Before I perform
your last rites,
I need you to do
something for yourself.
You name it, Father.
I'd like you to eliminate
the subtle inequities
in your will.
What's wrong with the will?
Too much earthly reward
for two people
who don't deserve anything,
and a third person, unrelated,
who thinks
he's Johnny Appleseed.
Well, that's what
I want to see happen.
Uh, a third to Bitsy,
a third to Sonny,
and a third to Fuzby because
he's serious about
the environment.
(GASPING)
Well, we're gonna
find a way for the Lord
to forgive you, O. M.
And it all starts
with this new will.
What's in the new will that's,
uh, not in the old will?
Incentive for your children.
Goals, structure, discipline.
Everything you've failed
to give them in life.
There we go.
O. M. Rivers.
Ah. (KISSING)
OM: Bitsy, Sonny,
Fuzby, come to me.
Daddy, I'm here, Daddy.
-Kids. Not you two.
-Excuse me, Father.
You're not part of the family.
You're gonna be
all right, Daddy.
-Everything's gonna
be all right.
-Uh-huh.
We can't afford
to lose you, O. M.
-The trees need you.
-I'm sorry
I upset you like this.
I apologize for every
homosexual experience
I've ever had,
or ever will have.
Please forgive me, Dad.
I... I love you.
Well, I hope you still love me
after you hear the will.
Why, have you
changed something?
Yes, but the change is...
Is good.
For all of you. Honest.
Father Kelly?
To whom
it may concern.
My estate valued
at $200 million,
coupled with all
future profits and assets
of Old Man Rivers Industries.
Is to be equally
divided between
my son, Sonny,
my daughter, Bitsy,
and my environmental advisor,
Fuzby Robinson
on the following condition.
Condition?
One or both
of my children
must bear me a legitimate
grandchild within 12 months
of my death.
If nobody succeeds,
all monies go directly
to our Lady Queen of Figueroa.
Attention Father Seamus Kelly.
SONNY: What?
-P. S.,
this child must be
conceived in
the traditional way.
Only through
old fashioned lovemaking
as so beautifully portrayed
in the Bible.
Signed O. M. Rivers
a. k. a. Dad.
-(SOUND OF FLOW
OF AIR REDUCING)
-(GRUNTING)
(GASPING)
(LOUDLY EXHALES)
BITSY: Daddy?
-He's gone.
-Thank God he went peacefully.
(SOBBING)
I suggest there be not a word
of this to the press or you'll
be inundated with gold diggers
who have no conscience
and no integrity.
He never intended this.
I can only tell you
what's here in the will.
I'll take you
to the highest court.
And have your dick knocked
so far up into your head,
your balls will bounce into
your larynx and you'll be
pissin' out of your toupee.
-Give him hell, Bitsy.
-(BITSY CRYING)
Now, who do you think
a jury will believe?
A homosexual?
A lesbian?
Or a man of God?
-Which one are you?
-(BITSY SOBBING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Hey, Reed, Reed,
will you stop with the food?
Rent is due, we gotta go
to work, come on.
(ENGLISH ACCENT) I don't
want you to go to work
without a little
breaky in you.
I made Reality
Real Estate salad,
it's gonna give drive.
I want to get
a little world view.
-It's gonna give you roughage.
-Will you stop
with the accent?
Drop the accent.
People are gonna
think your phony, all right.
I wanna be an actor,
I've gotta have an accents.
Accents don't work
in real estate, Reed.
-Customers, customers.
Let's go...
-When I become a star...
Get the fuck out of here.
Come on.
Work before we eat, all right?
Okay, all right.
-Come on, get fucking moving.
-I just made that salad.
-Enough with the salad.
-(GRUNTS)
Get up Reed.
Reed, up, Reed.
Reed, up, you imbecile,
get up.
Up, good boy.
Hey, hey, before you dial,
I want you to visualize
your customer.
I want you to be inspired.
I want you to bring home
the bacon.
Now, come on.
You got the picture,
numb nuts?
You know what's gonna
inspire me most?
To get that 150
to pay you back, so I can get
you outta my life.
(LAUGHING)
You want your freedom?
You earn it.
Before I met you,
I was ridin' high.
Before you met me
you were ridin'
the fuckin' bus.
Dial, baby, dial.
-(PHONE RINGING ON OTHER END)
-Hello.
-Hello, Mr. William Edgar?
-No, thanks.
Hi, this is Reed Richmond.
I'm down at Reality
Real Estate
in our Calabasas office.
-Fuck you, man.
-Here it is, right to the top.
Reality Real Estate
is offering you the first
option to buy
a parcel of 1000 square feet
right outside Kiev,
in Chernobyl
in the Soviet Union.
When you get in
before the Russians get in
and get out with a big profit.
(BELL TOLLING)
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
(CRYING)
Don't count
your money yet, sweetheart.
I'm gonna bring you in
on a murder wrap.
Daddy.
Who's gonna
believe you, deary?
You'll believe me
when you meet
my little baby boy.
-What baby's that?
-Frank Della Rocca. (LAUGHS)
Okay, let's go
over here, Daddy.
Just... Here...
Daddy, Daddy,
thank you, Daddy.
You've released me
from my dark secret.
(SPLASH)
Oh.
-I'll get it.
-(SCREAMING)
Some water.
Oh, that's beautiful,
thank you.
-Mmm, that's good.
No, no, oh, no.
-Can I get you...
-(NURSE MUMBLING TO BITSY)
-(GLASS BREAKS)
Uh-oh.
FATHER KELLY: Good mornin'.
I got here as soon as I could.
Had two masses
and an escrow closing.
-I'm bushed.
-Get outta here.
You've brought shame
to my family.
I'm gonna show you
and your church
cause I have a baby!
I'm gonna buy and sell you,
you satanic scum!
You're havin'
an extra spiritual experience.
-Go with it.
-You go with it.
You go with it, you punk.
You... Oh.
You go with it.
Your mother sucks cocks!
Big ones!
Big ones! Oh, there they are.
Suck 'em!
(MOANING) There's your mother,
suckin' the big one.
Suckin' the big one. (WAILING)
Would you mind leavin'
us alone, Bitsy and I?
Of course, us guys will split
and leave you guys alone.
-Come on, Padre, out.
-Forgive me, forgive me.
-Come on, Bitsy.
-You believe me,
don't you Susan?
You believe me.
Sonny.
I'm proud of you, lad.
You have plenty
of courage and faith.
And that's why you're not
fallin' apart like
your sister.
Was she ridiculous
with those ashes.
Even I was embarrassed
and usually nothin'
bothers me.
Well, can you blame her
for cracking up?
She's facing
a life of poverty.
Don't talk about
my sister anymore, okay?
She's none of your business.
Ah, you're a loyal boy,
Sonny boy.
And if anyone deserves
that money more than me,
it's you.
And your sister.
God bless you.
Daddy's in heaven with mommy.
My little baby Frank,
the family tree.
-Susan?
-Yes.
-I love you.
-I love you, Bitsy.
-Bitsy's got to get well.
She's our only hope.
-George?
-What?
-She's not our only hope.
-What're you saying?
-Well, there's me.
-You?
-Me and Susan.
-You and Susan what?
-Me and Susan
and baby makes three.
You piglet!
Your sister's lover?
You'd have sex with her.
No, I'm not talking to you
for as long as I live.
I'll be in the car.
George, I'm only
doing it for us.
Favors like that I don't need.
I'd rather go live
in the streets.
Look, what would you do
if you were in my place?
I'd keep my dick in my pants
and come home
with George Bianco.
Uh, that's me,
in case you've forgotten.
I'm leaving
and you'd better be
following me,
because if you're not,
I'll be in the car...
All alone.
Bitsy?
It's me, Sonny.
Everything's gonna
be okay, sweetheart.
We're all pullin' for you.
You just get better
and leave everything to me.
-Bitsy?
-She can't hear a word
you're saying.
Then this is
the perfect opportunity
To tell you that I find you
deeply attractive Susan.
Go on?
I wanna make you my princess.
I wanna lay you down
on the Eames chair
and make it all happen.
Make what happen?
Love.
Pregnancy.
Babies.
Money.
You know
the equation, sweetness.
George is dead asleep
at 12:20 without fail.
I'll be looking to meet you
on the couch at exactly 12:22.
What about Bitsy?
Well, we're doing it for her.
Oh, okay.
You're sexy and you're clever
and I'm gonna need
a lot of help.
(GRUNTING)
See you later.
(MOANING)
(SULTRY CLASSICAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON TV)
9-7-6-Olay. (KISSING NOISE)
Hi.
I'm Jill down at Easy Escort.
All alone?
There's no need for that.
Your Easy Escort girl
is just a phone call away.
FRANK JR: Hey, Reed.
I'm in love with this upper
right hand corner, huh?
Hey, hey, hey, Olaylay, hey.
Call 9-7-6-Olay.
We deliver when you pickup.
9-7-6-Olay,
night or day. Bring money.
Hey, hey, hey, Olay.
Olay. (KISSES)
What'd you say?
Hi. 9-7-6-Easy Escort?
Yeah, this is
Frank Della Rocca,
the President of
Reality Real Estate.
That young woman in
the upper right hand corner
has had a delicious
effect on me.
Yeah, I'd like her
to escort me to
the Southern California
Real Estate Convention
just getting underway at 1217
and a half Tuxedo Park
in Calabasas.
Right.
Yeah, tell her to
ask for Frank,
the midnight rambler.
Yeah.
GEORGE: I'm in a lot of pain,
Mr. Rivers.
It's called heartache in case
you haven't noticed.
SONNY: Go to sleep, George.
You look terrible.
You look puffy.
Have you been drinking?
GEORGE: You have
no sensitivity.
I have not missed
an AA meeting
in six years.
You're putting me
to sleep George.
Oh, now I'm a bore.
I didn't say that.
Just go to sleep.
The only way I'll go to sleep
is if you give me
two good night kisses.
One on each ball.
Oh, you're a laugh a decade.
George, you're not gonna
stop me from doing
what has to be done.
If you lie down
on top of Susan Connor,
I'll kick your ass.
-Don't forget
I was a tight end.
-Oh, a tight end?
Well, some things
certainly have changed.
Ha-ha.
George, if you could
get pregnant, we wouldn't
have to do this.
Anybody but her, Sonny.
Name someone.
I don't know.
What women do I know?
Well, that's my point.
How will you ever look
your sister in the eye again?
I don't enjoy this.
It would be
absolutely criminal
to let Father Kelly walk away
with my father's money.
But if it's going to turn you
into a drooling psychotic
I'd be willing to forget
the money
and go out and get a job.
But what would I do all day?
So just swallow your pride
while I jump on Susan.
This is all a nightmare.
This is not really happening,
so you can leave because
this is not really real.
Well, there you go.
Just go to sleep.
Bye, bye, and in the morning
it will be all over.
At least be a man.
What does that mean?
Make sure you're on top.
I know my way
around a woman, okay.
For your information,
25 years ago
I had an intimate exchange
with a Spanish female.
Hi.
I thought you
chickened out on me.
Sonny Rivers
does not chicken out.
So, uh,
you wanna go outside
under the stars
or you wanna, um,
just do it on the floor?
That's up to you.
You are the man.
I am the little boy.
Boy oh boy,
I'm a little, tiny boy.
Well,
you do look like a little boy,
you minx you.
(WHISPERING) I'm wearing
a skimpy pair of jockey shorts
with a roll
of quarters inside,
just for you, Buster.
Oh,
very nice.
Wanna see what
I did for you Susan?
Close your eyes.
Are you ready?
-Voila!
-(GASPS) Oh, my God.
Get over here.
(GASPS)
-Tell me what to do.
-Lie down on your back.
-I'll be right with you.
-Uh, no way,
I have to be on top
or we're not in business.
Is this shit what goes on
between you and George?
What goes on
between me and George
is none of your affair.
Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to offend you, Sonny.
Or should I say Big Sonny,
even though I haven't seen
anything yet, Studberry.
See you down south.
Susan.
If I'm gonna be judged,
I'm gonna be judged
in the dark.
(PANTING) That's better.
(PANTING)
I got you where
I want you now, Studberry.
Take me, Susan,
take me to Paris.
(MOANING)
It's not working.
George usually does something.
Wait, I have an idea.
(GASPS)
Excuse me, Father.
Don't interrupt me.
I'm in the middle
of a fantasy.
Yes, Father.
And...
When you're finished,
I have some news
about Bitsy Rivers.
Mmm. Poor Bitsy Rivers...
Took a mighty fall.
Thank God she has her faith.
Father,
do you remember at the funeral
when Bitsy started babbling
about having a son?
Well, I looked up the name
Frank Della Rocca and
low and behold, there is such
a person and he lives right
here in the Southland.
-That's enough, Sister.
-Yes, Father.
Call the others.
Yes, Father.
Sister Ursula, Sister Tina!
This...
Is all I ever really wanted...
Ever.
I wanted to be a priest
and that came true.
And now I want to be a bishop
but I really haven't got time
to be a bishop.
And the only way
I can skip bishop
and go directly to cardinal
is by showing the Vatican
my fund raising skills,
i.e., the 200 million bucks.
No one is going to
take that away from me.
No one.
I will be cardinal
and no son of a Bitsy Rivers
is going to be my downfall.
Sister Ursula,
get into our nurse's outfit,
and don't forget
our squeaky shoes.
And Sister Agnes,
I want you to slip into
our lovely blue dress,
get on your bike
and ride all night
until you
take care of business.
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
(DOOR OPENS)
Well?
-Well what?
-Well, I hope it was awful.
Actually, it was fun.
FRANK JR: Hey, Reed,
you really think
I'm gonna score?
Course I'm gonna score.
I'm just playing with you.
Hey, what, what?
You don't think
I'm gonna score.
Get under the bed
and watch me,
if you don't believe me.
Get under there
and find yourself
a low angle gander.
Yeah, watch Frank Della Rocca
charm the underpants
off that Easy Escort girl.
She loves me,
she loves me not.
She loves me,
she loves me not.
She loves me...
Well, I wouldn't get
too excited, Frank.
You know, she could be a real
bow-wow-wow in person,
you know.
FRANK JR: Get under the bed.
-(SIGHS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
FRANK JR: Hey, Reed,
enjoy the show. Comin'.
Hi.
-Um...
-You're not the one I ordered.
You know, there really
should be a discount here.
I'm serious.
All right, forget it.
I'm only jokin'.
You gotta make
a livin' too, right?
Come on in.
You know sometimes a man
has to accept what he can get,
you know what I'm sayin'?
-(LAUGHING)
-Haha, right.
Are you Frank Della Rocca?
Frank Della Rocca.
Reality Real Estate.
-Oh
-The midnight rambler.
Right, well then I'd like
to look at some property.
And I'd like to look at some
of your property.
(CHUCKLES POLITELY)
Where are you from Frank?
What do you mean?
Where was I born
or where do I live?
Uh, no, no, don't answer that.
That's a dumb question.
Sometimes I can be
so fuckin' stupid,
it's amazin'.
(KNOCKS)
Don't move.
Frank? The midnight rambler?
Hold on a sec.
Who the fuck are you?
I told you I'm here to look
at some real estate.
Oh. Now I get it.
What a jerk I am.
Let me get
my number one salesman.
-Great.
-Don't move. Reed! Reed!
Reed. Come on out.
We've got a customer.
Reed Richmond.
Reality Real Estate.
-I don't do orgies.
-No, no, those two
aren't stayin'.
-Come on in.
-Hey, Reed. Sell the woman
some real estate, Reed.
Ah, use the other office.
Hey show her
the back 40, Reed.
I'll see ya in the mornin'.
Late in the morning.
-Okay, well here's
the property we've got.
-Mmm-hmm...
It's a little, uh, simulation
of reproduction of a property
we represent outside Minsk.
So what's your name?
No names.
Are we gonna get started
or would you just like
to hold hands?
-Whatever you want.
-I want the money.
Excuse me. One minute.
Got it right here.
My very special
entertainment sock.
Two hundred
fifty dollars, right?
Yeah, I know.
Now, I wish it didn't
have to be this way.
This is your idea, the money.
But, uh, I could do it
for nothin'.
There's a 150.
I gotta look around
for the other 100.
Just hang with me a minute.
I got it...
I got it.
Just it's around here.
Let's see.
Hey, I gotta go.
Hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait.
I'm in love with you
in case you didn't notice.
I mean, I don't even care
that you're a 9-7-6 girl.
I mean, I don't judge people
by their profession.
You could be, uh, what,
a school teacher
I'd still be in love with ya.
As a matter of fact,
you remind me
of one of my teachers.
Yeah, hey, come on,
I'm in love with you.
If you wanna be in love,
it's gonna cost you
a lot more.
Boy, it sounds like your life
has been a very long
and rough journey, huh?
We're here to talk
about you, Frank,
if you're able to finance it.
Hey, could you lend me
the $100?
How long have you known Frank?
Well, he's unknowable,
you know,
unlike me who's dying
to be known.
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
I'm kinda rehearsing
for an improv
down at the group theater
down on Cahuenga.
It's about this, like,
English teddy boy rocker,
and he leaves London
because everything's wrong.
and there's not enough sun.
And, like, he like comes to LA
because he thinks
he's gonna be great
and he hopes to get
this great demo.
But within a fortnight,
it's like everything's
all fucked,
everything's gone awry,
you know. And it all ends up
at Pinks which is like great.
And it's like kinda of
a Joe Orton, like, you know,
butt plug kinda fantasy...
I'm not done yet because
of course it's improvised.
Have you ever
met Frank's family?
-(IN NORMAL VOICE) His family?
-Uh-huh.
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
Ain't got no family,
all right. I'm his mom.
He's got no dad.
His brother's all right,
but he's not alive.
So it's me and Frank
and get the fuck outta here.
(LAUGHING) Excuse me?
Are we gonna have sex or what?
Cause if not, I'd like you
to piss right off,
get on your little muff cycle
and just be gone.
Spoof! Haha.
(SQUEALS)
Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right.
Wrong. Right. Bingo.
There's nothing I can do
to change your mind, huh?
Frank, it's been fabulous.
Hey, whatever happened
to love?
I already explained
that to you.
Listen, I know you're not
gonna tell me your name,
but, like, when I call,
who do I ask for?
Gracia.
But if I don't get back
to you,
don't take it personally,
or any other way.
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Hey, you didn't hurt
my buddy, did you?
Huh?
Hey!
Hey, he's my little buddy.
He's my little... (SCREAMING)
(DOOR CLOSING)
REED: (IN NORMAL VOICE)
Hey, Frank.
Frankie.
-(MOANING) Hey, Reed.
-Eh?
Oh.
How'd it go there,
love tron, uh?
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
She give you little crabbies?
Ah. She gave me a discount,
Reed. She dug me.
I probably could've had her
for nothin', man.
-She was all over me like
an octopus. I'm wasted.
-(LAUGHING)
Yeah, I had the same problem
outside, you know.
She didn't want real estate.
She wanted Wilbur
and that's what she got.
A little bit of
cement de l'amour.
Very thorough.
-We're the best.
-The best, yeah.
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
That's right.
BITSY: Sorry I lost my temper
with you yesterday, Father.
FATHER KELLY: Well,
God forgives
all nervous breakdowns.
I am nervous, very nervous.
-This is Nurse Neely.
-NURSE NEELY: How do you do?
She's gonna go home with you
and take care of you.
When you get in the house,
I want you to take off
all your clothes,
get into bed with Susan,
and enjoy yourself.
And no matter how many
evil thoughts
you're suppressing about me,
-I'll be right here.
-BITSY: Hello, Vincent.
FATHER KELLY: As your
family priest and attorney
until this 200 million
is sorted out and into
the proper hands.
Well, what are you
waiting for, Vincent? Get in.
I'm never getting in.
Never again. I've had enough.
Getting in, getting out.
Open the door. Wait for you.
Wait for Sonny.
Wait for George.
Wait for Susan.
There are too many of you,
and you're all going nowhere.
And I've been
taking you there.
I've been with you
for 30 years.
It's time to say I have
no more hope
and I cannot cope.
No more hope
and I cannot cope.
-No more hope and I...
-Hey, I'll drive.
Thank you Nurse Neely.
Move it out.
-Hello. Good afternoon.
Is this Susan Grady?
-Hello, is this...
Hi, it's Reed Richmond
calling you from
Reality Real Estate
located in highest
energy center
in the Pacific Rim...
-For you to take a small
percentage of your savings
-For you right now.
-It's very special.
-And to buy some land
in the Soviet Union.
I'm sorry, did I call earlier?
And you're not interested?
Hey, Sonny.
I had a great time last night.
-Who's your shrink?
-Oh.
BITSY: Bitsy's home.
Bitsy's home.
Bitsy's home. Bitsy's home.
-Bitsy's home. Bitsy's home.
Bitsy's home.
-Bitsy! You're home!
-Hello, George.
-You look sensational.
Vincent quit.
He's in the psycho ward.
Same ward I was in.
Isn't that ironic, George?
He was the driver
and we drove him crazy.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Hope he doesn't think
he's Vincent van Gogh
and cut off his ear.
That would be a delusion.
Ouch! Ouch!
-Bitsy's home. Hello.
-Bitsy, dear, dear, dear,
we know you're home.
-Where's Sonny and Susan?
-Nothing happened.
-Bitsy's home. Bitsy's home.
-I swear to you
nothing happened. Nothing.
Susan.
Sonny.
Susan?
Sonny.
Hello, George. Susan.
-Hello, Susan.
-Bitsy.
-Welcome home. Oh.
-My beautiful flower.
-You didn't betray me,
did you?
-Bitsy, darling.
Hello, Sonny. You remember me?
-Your sister, Bitsy?
-Of course.
Nothing happened!
Nothing happened.
I'm so sorry.
It must have been very boring
for you all day long...
-With nothing happening.
-Oh, yes,
it was really boring.
Very boring, Bitsy.
Well, never fear,
because Bitsy's here,
and her little baby Frank
is close behind.
Do you have the number
for the hospital?
Sonny, Frank hasn't
called yet, has he?
-No. No, no, no.
-Nobody's called, Bitsy.
-No?
-No.
(SCREAMS)
Nurse Neely,
I am so sorry.
This is my brother, Sonny.
This is his friend, George.
This is my friend, Susan.
It is Nurse Neely,
isn't it? Yes.
We're crazy but we're clean.
(LAUGHING)
-Oh. Fuzby?
-Yes.
Come here.
-How are the trees?
-Fine.
Thank you. Amen.
Nurse Neely.
This is Nurse Neely.
Fuzby. Lovely.
-I'm Fuzby Robinson.
-Hello.
(RINGING)
I'll get it.
Rivers' residence.
It's for the lady
of the house.
I'll get it.
Thank you, Nurse Neely.
-Hello.
-Hi, this is Frank Della Rocca
down at Reality Real Estate.
I have fresh parcels
of land in Albania.
Available now
especially for you.
Very, very special offer.
Frank?
Where have you been?
I have been waiting
for your call.
You've had your mother
a nervous wreck.
Where are you, darling?
Reality Real Estate is located
at 1217 1/2 Tuxedo Park.
Is that in the
vicinity, darling?
-It's in Calabasas.
-(INAUDIBLE)
Um,
do I take the
Santa Monica Freeway
to the 405 and then go north?
-You got it.
-All right, sweetheart.
I'll be there
in just a few minutes.
Now, don't move.
Bye, bye, baby.
Who was that?
It was my son,
Frank Della Rocca.
Your son?
I'm gonna go see him now.
He needs me.
Who's driving?
I'll drive.
Are you coming, Daddy?
-Please trust me, Susan.
-Okay, Bitsy.
Let's go.
-We're gonna follow you.
-Hurry up before
Frank grows up.
-(HORN HONKING)
-Father!
-Esther.
Look at you go now.
-(LAUGHING)
-Ride sister, ride!
-(LAUGHING)
-Come to me. Come to me.
-Ah. Oh. Oh.
Sister, you're standing
on the site
of your new convent.
Oh, Father, I have bad news.
There is a son
and I have seen him.
Frank Della Rocca, Jr.
Where is this schmuck?
SUSAN: Talk to me, Bitsy.
My sweet 16 birthday party.
Frank Della Rocca, Sr.
-He was a valet parker.
-Valet parker? You are absurd.
So I wake up on coke
with this chick's finger
up me bum
and I say to meself,
let's nod.
-So I do. I call up Steve.
-Reed, Reed. Come here.
Come here.
-Yeah.
-Keep it down, all right.
I gotta call my fiancee.
Really?
REED: So I'm laying down
some tracks with
the best engineer...
Oh, Gracia, Gracia,
I want you in my face-uh.
I won't disgrace-yuh.
-Be my baby tonight.
-It's like, I'm trying
to do my songs.
Hi, this is Frank Della Rocca
down at Reality Real Estate.
Yeah, I don't know quite
how to say this,
but I'm in love
with this wonderful person.
Her name is Gracia
and I'd like to see her.
-Frank.
-What?
Come on,
we got customers, okay?
Just pulled up in a Jaguar,
all right?
Hey, it's that chick
from last night.
What's she doin'
with a priest?
Maybe she wants to
get married.
Sister Agnes.
I want to go over this
with you one more time.
Now when I say what,
you do what?
Escrow, blood test.
Perfecto.
I can feel the weight
of the red hat
on my head already.
Easter Sunday. St. Peters.
-Yes.
-Rome. I'm marching
two cardinals away
from the Pope.
-He looks at me. I look back.
-(BELLS TOLLING)
I subtly mention
the 200 million.
Later I invite him to Malibu
for some sun.
This is the big one.
Back off, Murray.
I just gotta go over
a few things
with the developers
and this is a done deal.
He'll be off the phone
in just a minute.
Right, yeah,
catch you later, Murray.
-Hi.
-Father Seamus Kelly.
Our Lady Queen of Figueroa.
I'm lookin' for some acreage
in the Soviet Union.
My parishioner here tells me
that you're the best game
in town,
so let's play land deal, boyo.
-Frank Della Rocca.
-Reed Richmond.
What's the best deal you got?
Nine hundred acres.
Fifteen miles north of Moscow.
Rich farm land. Lookin' to be
an apartment building maybe.
We move along, we could be
in escrow by sundown.
Escrow! Es...
Oh, oh, excuse me.
I'd just love to be in escrow
in Moscow. Escrow.
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
I'd like to be in Paris
in the springtime.
Maybe you'd like to be
in escrow in Moscow,
we can meet over in Berlin,
go look at that
broken down wall,
talk about the future
of the universe.
Here it is.
-(HORN HONKING)
-Oh, right.
Hey, more customers.
-What a day, huh?
-Escrow. Escrow.
-Hey, what's the matter
with you?
-She's a woman, boyo.
Have sympathy.
It's the Real
Estate Commission!
-Fuck!
-Oh, no, they're gonna
pull the plug on us.
-Fuck me.
-I'll cover for you boys.
Get under your bed.
-(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)
-Fuck me.
REED: Oh, no, they're gonna
pull the plug on us.
You answer the door, lady.
Tell 'em Frank's not here.
And, lady,
I'm lookin' to get into escrow
as soon as possible.
-Hello.
-Uh...
Sorry!
Hello, I'm Bitsy Rivers.
I'm here to see
Frank Della Rocca.
Just wait.
Ah.
Hey. Hey. Hey!
Yo, bitch.
What the fuck are you...
(SCREAMS)
-Did you get the blood?
-Yes, I got it.
-Show it to me.
-(PANTING)
-Pull Bitsy's medical records
and get to the lab.
-Mmm-hmm.
Find out if her blood type
matches with
Frank Della Rocca's.
Oh, this is exciting.
-Goodbye, Sister.
-Hello, Father.
Get moving.
Ah! Oh, God!
-Oh, Reed, Reed.
-What is it?
-Reed, she shot me
with heroine. Reed.
-Oh, come on.
Reed. I'm gettin' dizzy, man.
-It's okay.
-I can't see. Reed,
get out there
and get rid of those people
and then call
an ambulance, man.
I'm dyin' in here.
(GRUNTING)
-Oh, my God. Frank?
-No. No Frank here.
-Aren't you Frank Della Rocca?
-No, Reed Richmond.
-I'm sorry.
Where is Frank Della Rocca?
-I don't know.
FATHER KELLY:
I got here as soon as I could.
He had a brain tumor,
he had to leave.
That real estate commission's
out of control.
They stuck me with a shot
of heroin, Father.
-I'm woozy here.
-Woozy or not Frank,
you're my man in Russia.
Hey, forget business,
all right. I'm high,
do you mind? I need rehab.
Somebody do
an intervention,
man.
I'll do an intervention
on you myself.
Come on, lad.
Come on, Bitsy, let's go.
Wait a minute.
You're Frank, I know it!
You're just being shy.
Yeah, well,
what's wrong with that?
BITSY: George. Sonny.
Frank, I'd like you to meet
my big brother, Sonny Rivers,
and this is his friend,
George.
And this is your Aunt Susan.
Isn't he beautiful,
boys?
I'm not Frank.
Okay? I'm Reed Richmond.
Reed Richmond?
Where do I know that
name from?
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
Well, you know, yeah,
I'm still in class actually,
a little scene study,
over on Cahuenga.
Little off-Broadway.
He's just covering up,
because
you're making him nervous.
He thinks you're making
a pass at him.
Me? I'd rather
make a pass at you, Bitsy.
BITSY: Frank?
-Right.
-Whoa!
-Hey, there, buddy.
-Hey, what's up, baby?
-Where's Frank?
-Never heard of him.
You have. You just beeped me.
-I have not!
-Who just beeped you?
Frank Della Rocca
and he owes me 250.
Is that right, Frank?
Listen,
I got no money, all right?
It's all tied up in war bonds.
And it's all gone. No cash.
I'm tap city, babe.
I'm tap city.
Well, honey,
I'll take care of it.
How much does he owe you?
Two fifty.
There's 300. Keep the change.
-I'm taking this
out of your allowance, Frank.
-All right.
-Thanks,
you're a real gentleman.
-Thank you.
Oh, my goodness,
what a gorgeous girl.
-That Frank's a lucky puppy.
-Thanks, Mom.
Now why can't I get to
a girl like that.
Because you don't need to,
Sonny.
Frank Della Rocca is here.
He's gonna take
all our troubles away.
-Bitsy.
-BITSY: What?
-You know you really
let me down.
-What do you mean, George?
You got suckered
by a two-bit hustler.
I didn't sucker anyone,
all right, you fagatini.
-What?
-You wait a minute, honey,
I'm a fagatini too.
We're all fagatinis,
sweetheart.
SONNY: You're the odd one out.
Come on, George. It's obvious
I have work to do.
-Hang tough, Bitsy.
-Sonny,
you're spinning your wheels.
BITSY: Spinning your wheels.
-Oh, Nurse Neely.
-Yes.
How much would you charge
for me to get you pregnant?
-I couldn't do anything
like that, sir.
-Why not?
I can't say why.
-Oh, now look
what you've done.
-Leave me alone.
-Frank!
-Or I'll find
someone who will.
Right.
-Frank, Frank?
-Yeah.
It's time to go home
with me and Susan
for the rest of your life.
-Bitsy, may I have a word
with you, please?
-Come on now.
-Pack your bags.
-Yeah.
-I think he likes me.
-I think he likes
your pocketbook, you fool.
You'll be sorry
you said that, Susan.
When I locate his father,
Frank Senior,
and I marry him
and he testifies
that this is true.
What if he's already married,
Bitsy?
Well, then he'll divorce
his wife after I pay her off
and then we'll stay married
long enough
for me to legitimize
baby Frank
and then I'll pay him off.
And then you and me and Frank,
we'll move down to Santa Fe
and open up an art gallery.
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
What's up giblets?
If you bring him home,
you can say goodbye
to me forever.
And P.S.,
give my ass a big kiss.
I need a chauffeur, Frank.
Are you that chauffer?
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
Listen, I'm the president
of me own corporation, right?
I can't afford
that kind of downgrade.
Would 7000 dollars a week
be an insult?
No.
Then get in the car.
(LAUGHING)
(SPITS)
BITSY: Oh, all right.
Right there.
Ease it in.
Yes.
(DOGS BARKING)
Whoo.
-I'm on to you.
-Excuse me!
You're the most handsome
chauffer I've ever had.
Thanks, mom,
you're very attractive
yourself.
Hey, you. Wait up!
(LAUGHING)
Sure.
-All this is yours, Frankie.
-Oh, this is great, you know.
I just feel like
I'm comin' home, you know.
-You are home.
-Sure.
-You're my baby.
-Whoo!
-BITSY: Oh, come to mama.
-(FRANK YELLING)
Oh, he's my baby. Oh.
I love him, I love him.
You know, Father,
you are sporting
a very nice piece.
-What's a piece?
-You know, a toupee.
I'm not wearing a toupee.
Is it a weave.
It's a good one.
Frank.
Don't be projecting your fear
of baldness onto my head.
What you see here
is 100 percent natural.
Get outta here.
I know a rug when I see one.
Besides,
there's nothing wrong
with wearing a toupee.
Shut up!
SONNY: Oh. Oh, yeah.
(WOMAN IN SPANISH ACCENT)
Take me, gringo man.
I'm ready.
SONNY: Oh, yes.
I want you to have my baby.
Does your boyfriend
have to watch us?
-Watch what?
We haven't done anything yet.
-Yes, but you know.
I'm beginning to feel
in the mood to do nasty,
and how do you say,
do wild things to your body,
gringo man.
-Yes.
-Oh.
-George, stop looking at us.
-(MOANING)
In fact go get the blanket
and put it on the sand.
SONNY: Come on, let's do it.
Come on, let's get
in the sand.
(WOMAN SQUEALING)
George, open the door.
I'm coming out.
-Yes, let's go. Yes.
-(WOMAN SQUEALING)
(GRUNTING)
(ALL GRUNTING)
-Ah.
-WOMAN: Hey!
There's a cramp in my leg.
It's no use.
There is no way
you could have me tonight.
(GRUNTS)
-I can't fuck you like this.
-We've blown it again, Sonny.
Bitsy doesn't have a son
and you can't make a kid.
-Who are we kidding?
We're finished.
-Ah, you're right.
We're finished.
Well, let's look
on the bright side.
I mean, come on.
We have our memories,
don't we?
We were couple of the year
at the racquet club in '79.
Hey, just take me home, okay?
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Frankie, it's Mommy.
Did I come
at a bad time,
honey?
Well, get your PJs on
and I'll be back
in a few minutes.
Toupee or not toupee,
that really is the question.
Have a seat.
Let's play land deal, boyo.
You got all the answers,
don't you?
Come on, Father,
let's get down to it.
I'm tired of waitin' here.
Hang on to your seat, Frank.
You just hang on
to that magic carpet of yours,
all right?
(THUD)
(BLOWS)
(BELLS TOLLING)
(CHUCKLING)
You people got a strange way
of doing business.
You think a little piece
of nothing is gonna hold
Frank Della Rocca back?
-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-(SCOFFS)
-The door.
-Oh.
Uh, may I help you?
-(IN DEEP VOICE) Blood test.
-(SIGHS)
-Uh, how much is that?
-My boss says there's
no charge for the church,
but he wouldn't mind
if you remembered him
in your prayers.
Oh, bless you.
-Nighty, night.
-Good night.
Negative.
-It's all negative, Aggie.
-(LAUGHS)
Frank,
there are only five people
in the world I can tolerate,
and you're not one of them.
You're shutting me out
just because
of the toupee thing?
That is sad.
(BARKING)
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you like
a little of that.
-Get a little in there,
just...
-BITSY: Frankie?
-Mommy's here to tuck you in.
-Oh, all right!
-Sure.
-Come on.
Get under there.
-There.
You all cuddled up now?
-Sure.
(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
Oh, you look so pretty,
if you weren't my mother I'd,
I'd ask you to marry me.
Oh, Frank, I always knew
you were gonna be sensitive.
I'm gonna get you out of L.A.
in a hurry,
so you can flourish and grow.
Mommy's very proud
of you, Frank.
I'm proud of you too, Ma.
I'm proud of how rich you are.
How'd you do it?
Hard work and a lot of money,
Frank.
But now that you're here,
I'm only gonna
concentrate on you.
You're my baby.
You're my little Frank.
Oh, sweetheart, 22 years ago
I made the biggest mistake
of my life.
But if you forgive me,
I promise I'll be
the best mother you ever had.
Okay.
Enough of this.
We have the rest of our life
to talk, don't we?
-Sure.
-Why don't you turn off
the light?
Close your eyes.
Mommy's gonna
sing you a lullaby.
She's hired this guy
to be the new chauffeur.
Why'd she have to pick
such a creep?
He looks like a low budget
Tony Curtis.
BITSY: ♪ Now...
♪ I was very young, Frankie
♪ I didn't know what you'd be
♪ And how you'd grow
♪ Now I see you lying here
♪ My sweet little baby
♪ Dry your tears
♪ I'm here with you
♪ Frankie, I love you,
I love you so
♪ I won't ever leave you
This you must know
♪ You found your mommy
And she's found her son
♪ And now our life
Has just begun together ♪
-(REED GROANS)
-(HUMMING)
♪ Hush little boy
♪ Mama's gonna sing
You're her pride and joy
♪ She loves you ♪
(GROANING)
♪ Go to sleep, Frankie
♪ Go now, now
♪ Go to sleep, Frankie
♪ Go to sleep
♪ Frankie ♪
(BRAYING)
(SIGHING ELATEDLY)
Shh! Get out of here.
I just got Frankie
to sleep.
Well, you tell
your little baby bunting
his first gig is at 8:00 A.M.
sharp.
You make up your mind, Bitsy.
Is that your new son
or your new husband?
I'd like you to
mind your own business
about how I am raising
my child, if you don't mind.
Raising your child?
There is a difference between
a child and an imbecile,
and Reed Richmond,
who that chump is,
is as dumb as they come.
(YELPS)
(GASPS)
(GRUNTING)
Oh.
-Think they're hurting
each other?
-Nah.
-(SCREAMING)
-Bitch! You Albanian bitch!
(MUFFLED SHOUTS)
Oh, my God, Susan.
You can't swim.
Oh! Oh! I'm coming, baby!
(LAUGHING)
-We're both going down, baby.
-(GASPING)
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Susan.
Oh, Bitsy.
I'm sorry.
(BOTH PANTING)
Let's go to bed.
(MOANING)
(MOANING IN DISTANCE)
(DOG BARKING VICIOUSLY)
Special delivery
for Sonny Rivers.
Thank you, Christopher.
Pleasure's all mine.
(LOUD MACHINERY WHIRRING)
(WHIRRING STOPS)
Good morning, Reed.
-What? Uh-uh, nope.
-Listen to me.
You know that I know that
you are not the real
Frank Della Rocca.
-Listen, you don't
get it do you?
-SUSAN: Get what?
I thought you were
with the
Real Estate Commission, okay?
That's why I said
that I wasn't Frank,
all the while being Frank,
see, cause I'm Frank.
All right? Can it.
I am hip to your shit,
shithead.
-You coming with us today?
-No.
-No?
-No.
-Good morning.
-What's so good about it?
This just arrived for you.
And so did this.
-Oh, hi.
-Hi.
BITSY: Frankie, Frankie?
You forgot your hat, honey.
Mommy packed you
a little lunch.
Aw, sure.
You're looking very good,
boys. Sonny,
you're wasting your time.
I know that, Bitsy.
I'm just going
for a backup situation.
Just in case.
Well, do what you have to,
but be back by 5:30
because I'm getting married.
-Excuse me?
-I'm getting married.
Frank,
-I located your father.
-Oh!
-We're getting married
at 5:30.
-(SIGHS)
Okay, turn the key.
Put it in first.
-Gotta go, Ma.
-Okay, honey.
Do what you have to do.
Sure will.
-(HOOTS)
-(BITSY HOOTS)
Come on, Shorty,
we got fish to fry.
God, Susan, look at him drive.
He's brilliant.
See what I found this morning?
"Della Rocca, Frank."
"727 Windshow Place."
-You'll be my best man, Daddy?
-Sure.
The least you could do
is run an ad in the personals
so you can find a virgin.
-Oh, brilliant.
-Oh, I know a virgin.
Tell me about her.
(CHUCKLING)
(PHONE RINGS)
(SNORTING)
(HAWKING)
-Hello.
-SUSAN:
Is this Frank Della Rocca?
-Yeah. Who wants to know?
- Me.
So, who are you?
Someone who wants to
offer you a job that will take
no longer than two hours.
-Cash?
- Yeah, nothing but.
(CHUCKLES)
You're my sweetheart.
Hey, Reed!
Reed!
Reed!
Can you beep her?
Sure you can.
Excuse me sir,
where would you like to meet
my little sister?
George,
would it bother you if I said
I'm gonna fuck
this man's sister
out on the boat?
You never take me on the boat.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Thanks.
You know, Gracia, someday
I'm gonna take you away
from all of this.
Yeah.
FATHER KELLY:
That's it, Sister,
rub the snakes out of me.
(GIGGLING)
That's it, Sister.
-Rub all the
little snakes out.
-(CHUCKLING)
I am so rich and so happy.
Roll out the red carpet
for Cardinal Kelly.
Hello, Roma.
(LAUGHS)
Sister Agnes, Father Kelly!
Bitsy Rivers
is getting married to
Frank Della Rocca Sr.
The wedding's at 5:30.
They found the father
of Bitsy Rivers' son.
All right, Agnes.
Let's move it.
-Don't we know this bimbo?
-Gracia.
-Sonny, this is my sister,
Gracia.
-You're absolutely gorgeous.
I'm Sonny Rivers
and I wanna offer you a job,
the financial compensation,
for which will be very,
very substantial,
I'm talking seven figures.
I'm a very gentle person,
I'm very clean,
and I'm not gonna hurt you.
I respect you as a virgin
and you can bring
your brother along to watch.
So I can be your agent
as well as your brother.
It's good.
Listen, seven figures or not,
I'm gonna need an AIDS test.
Then go get one.
Show him your card.
Nice picture.
I just got mine updated.
SONNY: Very pretty.
Stay.
GEORGE: Sonny!
I'll be here waiting!
I'll be right here!
Why do you want to pay me
so much money to
sleep with you?
Not just sleep with me,
sweetheart.
I want you to be
the mother of my baby.
What if you don't
get me pregnant?
Well, if I do,
I'll give you
two million dollars.
Gracia?
Are you a virgin?
(SCOFFS) Absolutely not.
Is my driver your brother?
'Course not.
Are you a female prostitute?
Yes I am,
but I made everybody else
wear rubbers,
so you have nothing
to worry about.
For some reason,
I trust you implicitly.
Oh...
Hello, girls. I'm the bride.
I need something off beat
to relax the guests.
How about some speed metal?
Zydeco?
How about,
Someday My Prince Will Come?
Listen girls,
this is a small wedding.
I don't have many friends.
Please help me out.
I need something
with a full sound.
A salsa?
-Yeah.
-Hit it.
(BAND PLAYS SALSA MUSIC)
Hey!
Hey. Hey pal,
can you get me
out of this chair?
Wait.
Hey, wait. You're not from
that Real Estate commission,
are you?
No.
I'm from
the Broken Heart's commission.
I'm the president.
Hey, pal,
give me a break, huh?
Oh, hell,
if he's behaving like a whore,
I guess I can too.
Do you find me attractive?
Get the fuck outta here.
(GASPING)
(BED SQUEAKING)
Did I cum?
I don't think so.
Listen, for seven figures
I'll stay until
the coast guard comes.
Thank you.
(SIGHS)
(HORNS BLARE)
Don't I know you
from the Actor's Lab?
That's right. Yeah.
Been to any
good auditions lately?
So, what brings you
to the Marina?
Looking for that rat bastard,
Reed Richmond.
I know that name.
Yeah, Reality Real Estate.
He's my ex-partner.
-Oh.
Speaking of ex-partners...
-Get your hands off me, pal.
My ex-partner, Sonny Rivers,
is out there on that boat
having sex with your
ex-partner's sister, Gracia.
Gracia?
(CHUCKLES)
Gracia ain't his sister.
She's my fiance.
Well, then, you better be
a man and swim out there
and put a stop to this.
No sense me getting jealous.
Why not?
'Cause, she's a hooker.
She's a hooker.
I might as well face it.
The future mother of
my children's
a straight out slut.
Easy escort whore.
I got no reason to live.
(SCREAMS)
Gay shark approaching.
(SIGHS)
It's no good.
It's just not happening.
You're very sweet, Sonny,
but you're just not
into women.
Mmm-mmm.
What's the name
of your boyfriend?
Who?
George! Get out.
(SPLASHES)
Have you ever been
to the Royal Academy.
-No, where's that?
-Santa Monica.
Frank Della Rocca?
I'm Father Kelly.
Is that good or bad, man?
So, you're on
your way to be married
to the woman who claims
to be the mother of the child
that's said to be your son?
FRANK:
Frank Della Rocca is my son
and as far as I'm concerned,
she's the mother.
KELLY: Who?
Bitty...
-Or somebody.
-Bitsy Rivers.
Oh.
I have the results
of the blood test that proves
that Frank Della Rocca Jr.
isn't the son of Bitsy.
So, whatever money
she promised you
is gone my boy-o...
In the wind like Mariah.
-Then what is it
you want of me, pal?
-Don't say I do to her
and see what I do for you.
So, I'm waiting.
Fifty dollars cash.
-Can I have it now, Father?
-KELLY: Sure you can.
Twenty five now
and twenty five later.
Get in, Frank,
we have work to do.
-Is that our Bitty?
-You should be so lucky.
(WHISTLING)
Hey, what kind of deal
you trying to
cut me out of, huh?
One day you're my partner,
the next day you stab me
in the back. Hey, gringo.
You stole my woman,
now you got a cushy job?
Well I got a job, all right?
When are you going to do
something with your life?
Give me that 150,
then maybe I could do
something with my life.
-Why don't you sit down?
-Fuck you Reed.
-Fuck off.
-Hey, give me that 150.
One-fifty! Hey, Reed! Reed!
(BAND PLAYS SALSA MUSIC)
Doors to the right gentleman.
Sonny, George. Any luck?
Another failure.
Let's face it, Susan.
We're broke.
-Maybe Frank Della Rocca.
-Oh, he's a sham.
What is this?
Urgent?
-(BREATHING HEAVILY)
-Mom?
-Frank. There you are.
-Hi.
Mom,
I'd like you to meet Gracia.
Gracia this is my mother.
Hi.
Where have you been darling?
Mom, you look beautiful.
Mom, listen.
Uncle Sonny, he owes Gracia
two million dollars.
I was wondering
if you could cover it for him.
Why don't we discuss it
when your father gets here.
(BRAKES SQUEALING)
-Frank.
-Yeah.
Get in there and bring
Bitsy Rivers to her senses.
I'll be in in a minute.
Get moving.
-Oh, uh,
don't forget my 25 bucks.
-Yeah, yeah.
(INDISTINCT VOICE FROM TAPE)
(GRUNTS)
No fucking bell.
These people
who don't have bells.
(BAND PLAYS SALSA MUSIC)
(WHOOPS)
Hi.
-Frank?
-(SIGHS)
Frank?
Yeah?
Frank Della Rocca, Sr.?
Yeah, that's me. Who are you?
Bitsy.
(LAUGHS)
-Bitty Rivers?
-That's me.
(LAUGHS)
-Hey!
-Oh. Oh.
Oh, wow. I dig it baby.
I dig it.
Where do I know you from?
Uh, wait a minute.
I know. I know you.
Uh... But from where? Uh.
Come on what's the scoop? Huh?
Lay it on me baby.
My sweet 16 slumber party.
Wow.
Refresh my memory
a little sweetheart.
I can feel the weight
of your red bikini
on my head already.
(WHISPERS) Blood test.
KELLY: This is not
what I want to see.
This is some bullshit.
You were a valet parker,
do you remember?
Remember that Frank?
We have a son,
conceived in the garage.
I put him up for adoption
Frank, but I never
put him out of my heart.
And now I found him.
I need you to make
an honest woman
out of me, Frank.
That's lovely, Bitty.
You know, for 75 bucks,
I could do anything you want
and you better hurry,
because see I got
a white collar biting
at my heels.
And I ain't even Catholic.
Hi, Mom.
-Darling.
-Hi.
Say hello to your father.
-How you doing, Dad?
-Son.
It's a great day.
I got here as soon as I could.
What are you doing
in my house?
-Who asked you
to this wedding?
-Well,
I came
to collect 200 million,
for Our Lady Queen
of Figueroa.
Two hundred million? Oh.
-(GRUNTS)
-Fuzby.
It's time to pronounce me
and Frank Della Rocca
husband and wife.
Frank Della Rocca, Jr.
is not any son of yours
or hers or versa visa.
Pass the blood test.
Negative boy-o.
REED: No, no.
Come on. Get out of here.
-Hold on.
-I'm in the middle of a deal.
It's all unraveling.
You and I have
unfinished business here.
-No, no.
-BITSY: Is there a problem?
Mom, don't pay attention
to a word he says.
-He's a con man.
-Would you like me
to have him tossed out
on his chair, honey?
I'm about ready
to toss all of you out.
You, I'll take you to
the highest court in the land.
I'll have your dick knocked
so far up into your head,
you'll be pissing out
of your toupee.
Very well said darling.
-Who are you?
-Mom. Mom!
Never mind about him, Bitsy.
You're finished.
There's nothing left
to say, except,
-"Tough luck."
-(LAUGHS)
The tough luck is yours,
Kelly.
Nothing can save you now,
Sonny.
Don't even waste
my time, boy-o.
I have a cassette here
of an excerpt from a book
sent to me by
a publishing company
for my approval
before going to press.
MAN ON CASSETTE:
Mr. Rivers, this is
Father Fulton McGuffin.
The following excerpt
is from my new book,
"Interesting Confessions
I Have Taped."
This confession
is from 25 years ago.
Hopefully for your approval.
GIRL ON CASSETTE:
Bless me, Father.
I have sinned.
McGUFFIN: Tell me about it.
GIRL: I'm pregnant.
McGUFFIN: What's your name?
GIRL: Consuela Reed Richmond.
Consuela Reed Richmond.
-CONSUELA: I'm sorry.. .
(INDISTINCT)
-I thought I, okay.
Could it be
that she's my mother?
McGUFFIN:
What's the father's name?
CONSUELA: Sonny Rivers.
-My God!
-My baby?
-My partner.
-My goodness.
My Dad.
Son of Sonny.
Son of a gun.
-You're my cousin.
-Fuck you, Reed!
Is that any way
to talk to your family?
Yeah. That's the way
I talk to family.
-Fuck you.
Give me 150 dollars.
-All right. Take a number.
-You're a rich man.
-Give me a kiss.
-You're rich. We're family.
-All right. Get out of here.
-What? Are you homophobic.
-I want my 150 dollars.
-Get off my ass.
-Come on! We're cousins.
-We're not cousins.
-Give me a little...
FRANK JR:
You owe me a 150 dollars.
Now I want it.
-Reed, where's my money?
-Shut up, skank.
Oh, Gracia dear.
I believe I owe you
two million dollars.
Don't cash it till Monday.
-Hey! What about me, Dad?
-Thank you.
I want to go
to business school.
Son, you pimp.
You only qualify
for pimp school.
-Here's your check.
-It's all right.
Make something useful
of your life for a change.
Oh, my God.
Big Tom Tom.
Big Tom Tom?
Kiss me. I'm Irish.
(MOANS)
-Oh!
-Put me red hat on.
KELLY: Help me Sister.
I'm ready now.
I want a go
with me red hat on.
(SISTERS CRY)
(KELLY GRUNTS)
Ever since
you came into my life,
I've been so peaceful
and calm.
I'd like to ask you
to be my little baby boy.
What is your name son?
-Frank Della Rocca.
-Yes.
Hey, wait a minute.
I'm Frank Della Rocca.
-Dad?
-Hey, Bitty.
It just came back to me.
Remember? Sweet 16,
you and me and Frankie D.
The kid looks just like me.
Bitsy Rivers has a son.
Thank you, Daddy!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Mazel tov, Bitsy!
Come on everybody,
let's dance!
(BAND PLAYS SALSA MUSIC)
(BAND CONTINUES PLAYING SALSA)
(LAUGHING)
This is all I ever
really wanted...
Ever.
Fuzby.
There's a check here
for 75 million for you
and the trees.
And God Bless you.
Then get into the car. (SIGHS)
Tree delivery!
It's a strange new world
out there, Father.
I'm not gonna judge anybody.
(TOO MUCH SUN PLAYING)
MAN: ♪ Hi, guys. What?
♪ Yeah, I know I'm late
♪ Course I know I'm late
I just got in
♪ Listen,
I don't want any guff
and don't be a prat
♪ It's like I got hung up
over LAX for like two hours
and I just touched down
♪ Listen, you're on my dollar
so let's get with it
all right?
♪ A one, two, three, rock
♪ Cha-cha
♪ My name is Phil
♪ And here's my song
♪ It's like my willy
♪ It's never wrong
♪ I've had too much sun
♪ My skin's all wrong
♪ Too much sun
♪ I spray my zinc on the sink
♪ And it feels so real
♪ All I want is a record deal
♪ I got nine demos
With a Steel Wheel feel
♪ Hit it, Keith
♪ Life is a dog
Nipping at my heel
♪ I've had too much sun
♪ My skin is all flaky
♪ Too much sun
♪ A rock star in the making
♪ Yeah
♪ Go home while we got
your green dress on
♪ You're nothing, man
♪ I've got a riff
with too many chords, I say
♪ E, G, F, A, B
♪ G, F, E, A, B, B
♪ G, A
Wrong gloom, gooey
♪ Bollocks
safety don't dive in
♪ Again
♪ Oh, yeah, hey, hey
♪ I got my green dress on
♪ Yeah
♪ When I make love
it's understood
♪ I d-d-don't dive in
without me safety hood
♪ I'm up, up
and I love you, baby
♪ I'm a bad boy drunk
and I give you rabies
♪ Too much sun
♪ Everything's wrong
♪ I'm on my bike
♪ End of song ♪