Tony: My Mentor the Serial Killer (2018) - full transcript

The human brain is remarkable.

For nine years
I thought I'd lost my watch

cos I can't remember
which wrist it's on.

And yet, after two weeks,

the things that scared me at first,
catheters, chest tubes, IVs...

Everything has started to click.

Are you?
lf you have time to listen to music,

then l assume you have time
to finish your paperwork.

Keep moving.

That work day
started like every other.

- How's it goin'?
- l'm a 37-year-old janitor.



How d'you think it's going?

There is nothing wrong
with being a janitor.

Really? Thank you,
you've turned my life around.

l'll tell my janitor wife and all our
janitor kids that life is worth living.

And that comes straight from our hero,
Dr Whozits, Dr Nothing.

No, seriously, come on.

Come over to my humble house and
point out things that are cheap.

Luckily, I had the night off to regroup.

- That dog is creepy.
- Be nice to Rowdy.

The guy we bought him from kept
him in a box full of old hats.

Why is she here all the time?

- Just give her a chance, man.
- You want to hit that.

- No!
- Yeah!

She's just a friend.



lt's healthy, hanging out with a girl
without the ultimate goal being sex.

- You know?
- l'm not following.

Creepy. l had a run-in
with that nurse, Carla.

She forgot to check the stats
on a patient and gave me attitude.

Did you tell on her?

- Who's responsible for this?
- She is.

l don't remember.
Why do you assume it was my fault?

It'd be a good point, except Elliot
puts her foot in her mouth.

A lot.
She can't really seem to stop.

Just because l occasionally
say something stupid doesn't mean

l go door-to-door annoying people,
like some crazed Jehovah's Witness.

- You're not?
- No.

My mother is.

He's black, too.
You should tease him about that.

I'm doing better with new people.
Like Carla, for instance.

Bambi, that blonde stick
you hang out with? Tell her...

You might have to
write that down for me.

And Dr Cox. We've really connected.
I'm kind of like his protégé.

- l need to see his chart...
- Done, copied and highlighted.

Unfortunately, radar,
l'm fresh out of gold stars.

Multilobar pneumonia at 31 .
How much does he smoke?

l don't know.

lt's your attention to detail
that impresses me most.

- How many packs a day, genius?
- Half a pack.

l'm sorry.
l phrased the question wrong.

How many packs a day, really?

Eleven.

You don't know where l'm coming from.

Two or three packs.

Let's hear it.

l don't smoke so... Zero packs.

What tests have you ordered?

l was just...
l was totally kidding with you.

He was. We're all in on it.

I like Will. That makes this harder.

l ordered blood cultures
and a high-resolution CT.

What are you looking for?

Cancer.

When you say ''cancer, ''
every person reacts the same way.

- Excellent.
- Not like that.

There it is.

I never know what to say to
Turk's buddies. But I'm getting better.

So...

- How's surgery?
- lt rocks.

But my bedroom, that's where
l really operate. Am l right?

- Come on, show Todd some love!
- I hate showing Todd love.

Bambi, why are you slumming
with these scalpel jocks?

Please, baby.
This here's the VlP table.

Why don't you
sit your fine self down?

''Baby, this here's the VlP table...''

l'm not really interested in her.

Then the Todd'll show
that little biscuit some love.

Maybe he's a bit interested.

Fine. Todd'll show himself some love.

l'm going to ask Carla out.

- l think the janitor's out to get me.
- Thank you so much for your help.

Why not be a bit more paranoid?

- Wait, Turk...
- That's him.

Hi, how are you?

l need David Farr's chart.

We all need lots of things.

Great. Dr Kelso?
You're the Chief of Medicine.

ls there a special way
to communicate with nursing staff?

Sugar won't work.
They're already so sweet.

Now, listen,
Dr Whatever-the-hell-your-name-is,

you tattled yesterday, l responded.

l feel closer to you than ever.
But the ramifications are yours.

Don't drag me into your pathetic,
whiny, little squabble

with that bunch of malcontents.
l hope you all kill each other.

Have a great day, ladies.

l hate this place.

Dr Cox, l got Will's CT results back.

No cancer.
So what shall l tell him?

l'd open with that.

He's headed down such a bad road,
maybe we could talk to him...

When you have a mentor, you understand
the meaning behind their words.

- You do whatever you want.
- Means ''Great idea''.

l'm just happy
you haven't messed up yet today.

Means ''You're really
coming along as a doctor''.

- Don't ever touch me.
- Means ''Don't ever touch him''.

Just thought it was a nice moment.

- l don't wanna.
- Come on.

Carla, l shouldn't have
told Dr Kelso on you.

No, you shouldn't have.

Comfortable silences.

But thank you for apologising.

Good.

- l wanna make one thing clear.
- Nothing needs to be clear.

l still think you were in the wrong.

Checking orthostatics is your job.
l need to know you'll take care of it.

That's all l'm saying.

There. All better.

As of now,
you have no signs of cancer.

Who rules? Will rules.

This isn't great news.

Are you sure?
That's how it first hit me.

You're on a slippery slope.

I had to scare him but
I sensed he'd heard it before.

Part of being a doctor
is your ability to improvise.

Right now, the one thing
l want you to think about...

How would you like to sound like this?

Let me see.

- This is so cool.
- No, it's not.

- Biddy, biddy, biddy.
- lt's not a toy.

Would you like to play a game?

Sometimes,
if all you have is old words,

all you can do is
hope they say something new.

Look, man. You're a great patient.

l like you enough
to hope l never see you again.

But if you keep smoking,
you'll be back here.

l bet my own life on that.

Dr Reid to Room 402, then down
to 20 1, then back up to Room 403.

l'm nervous, man.

l'm your wing man.
l will not leave your side.

- Hey, baby.
- Keep moving, frat boy.

- Come on. Out with it.
- Don't rush me.

l mean...

You shouldn't be impatient
with the opportunity of a lifetime.

l'm gonna sit down because
you're so sexy? My knees are weak.

Really?

Dr Cox?
l know l'm being annoying,

but l'm getting used
to talking to patients.

This is why l became a doctor, right?

l heard, ''l know l'm being
annoying'' and then white noise.

Will, l got him to quit smoking.

For ever? No last one?
The last ones are better than sex.

Trust me, l've had 1 ,000 of them.

Done forever, he swore to me.
l reached him. l reached him.

You're having a big day, there, Susan.

Private party.

Gotta get right back on the horse.

- Dr Cox, about Will.
- Not now!

l've a 1 0-minute break
and my soap is on.

Hey, Skeech, if you go ahead
and change the channels,

l swear l'll suture
your hands together.

- Right. So with Will...
- This woman is just fantastic.

The breasts are probably fake
but by God, those tears are real.

Time for a bold move.

How are we gonna fix this Will thing?

Do you know what you've just done?

You just lost all lapdog privileges.

- Excuse me?
- No more walkies, no more treats,

no more following me around.

- l'm not your lapdog.
- You back there.

What do we do with lapdogs
who can't behave in the house?

Make them stay outside?

You have five seconds
to get out of this room,

or l'm gonna start whacking you
on the nose with this.

Don't laugh, this isn't a joke. Get out.

- But l was thinking...
- Go!

What do you want to watch?

- Days of our Lives?
- Attaboy.

Come in.

He smells the food.

Move your butt.

Peace offering?

l know l don't always
make the best first impression.

Or second, for that matter.

l'd like us to be friends. l thought
l could get to know you a bit better.

See what you're about.

For instance,
when did you meet Morgan Freeman?

That's my mom.

l like her freckles.

Rowdy, no!

l can't figure out why
Dr Cox tore me a new one today.

Enough already! He's a jerk.

- He's a jerk.
- He's a jerk.

- He's a jerk.
- You're a jerk.

He's just Dr Cox.
He's always like that.

Who really knows him?
Who does he hang out with?

- No one.
- That must be lonely.

''Take two Turks as needed,
apply to sensitive areas...''

Who wrote this?

Whassup?

Come on, Carla. Give me one good reason
why you won't go out with me.

You're a surgeon,
so you got the God complex,

the ''married to the job'' thing.

You're cute,
but you're very aware of it.

You've no idea what l'm like, so your
feelings for me come from down there.

But most of all,
l'm looking for the real thing.

You're nothing but a little boy
who's not used to being told ''No''.

So there's a bunch of reasons.
Pick your favourite.

l'd go with the God complex.

But it's hard to choose.
They're all so good.

A hospital is a tricky place.

It's very cliquey
and you have to watch what you say.

It's a lot like high school.

If I didn't have
somewhere else to be,

I would have gone
and sat with her.

But tonight, there's somebody
else I have to take care of.

l know watching Will
kill himself hurts you, too.

lt's harder if you have
no one to talk with.

So l figured l'd pick up
a few cold ones, right?

And you and l, we'll talk it out,
we'll just break the whole thing down.

Right? What do you say to that?

Everyone keeps ignoring me.
l'm like a plague around here.

Don't look at me
when you're talking.

Dr Reid. l just wanted to say,
you're out of my doghouse.

That was a great catch
on that patient with meningococcus.

That actually wasn't me.
Carla noticed the rash on his legs.

You could have been
back into my good graces

and instead you passed
the credit on to a nurse.

How noble. l tell you what,
l'll get the cafeteria staff to write

''Was it worth it?''
on a big cake for you.

''...station''.
This is the nurses' station.

- Do you think l've damaged ligaments?
- l don't care.

Now, can l count on you
to never drop by here again?

Or shall l just move?

You can't leave a place
with this much warmth.

l especially love this shelf filled with
photos of your friends and family.

If he comes at you,
just try and roll out the door.

Actually, you have a point.

l guess watching the game
by yourself with a Scotch

isn't really the only way
to watch a game.

lt's just that... l've always thought
of needing people as a sign of weakness.

- lt's not.
- Well, then...

Would you stay and
watch the game with me?

Maybe have a slice of pizza?

- Of course l will.
- l can braid your hair.

l know the couch isn't very deep,
but we could move the back cushion

and spoon.

Hey, you guys, what do you say?
Beer and chips in the back.

Just ignore them.

Tell me the answer to this question.

Do you want to be the big spoon
or the little spoon?

Kelso didn't ask her,
she gave you full credit.

l don't care. Too little too late.
Plus, l know why you're really here.

So l'm gonna plop myself
right here in the VlP section,

so you can give me what you got.

l was gonna tell you
how l busted JD's chops the other day

for wanting to be friends with a girl.

And now l find it so amazing
to see how strong you are,

how well you carry yourself,

how l'd give anything to wake up
and watch you read the paper.

But instead l think you should
hop off your broom,

remember what it was like
when you first started here

and give Elliot a break. Because she may
be a chore but she is a good person.

And your ass is especially fine today.

Pick me up tomorrow at seven.

She's not the only one
who can do a speech. l can do a speech.

Return that umbrella to me at
the hospital. Not here. ls that clear?

And, Newbie...

- Know what your problem is?
- My bones hurt?

You were gonna rescue me from loneliness
with a $3 six-pack of light beer?

lt turns out we can't
save people from themselves.

We just treat 'em. Treat that kid
with a respiratory problem

and when he comes back with cancer,
go ahead and treat that.

Thanks for the pick-me-up.

Smokers, drinkers, druggies,
fatties, whatever.

lf you keep living and dying on whether
or not a person changes, well...

You're not gonna make it as a doctor.

Now come here and give me a hug.
lt's OK, come here.

Get outta here!

Take this piss water with you.
lt's embarrassing.

- l'll drink it!
- l'll take the beer. You'll beat it.

- You apologise.
- No, l don't wanna.

OK, come on. Just do it really fast.
Like a Band-Aid.

l wrote out the pharmacy renewals
on all your patients.

Great. You know what else
would be helpful?

The one thing we never
stop looking for is acceptance.

- Thank you, Carla.
- You're welcome.

Acceptance of our own shortcomings.

- So when's the baby due?
- What baby?

Acceptance that some things
are gonna be what they're gonna be.

This is a strange resort.
The wheelchair service is great

but that suite l rented,
there was another person in it.

- And the bellhop gave me an enema.
- Yeah, he's new here.

So...

- Anything you wanna say?
- You know it all, man.

Still, I hated Will a little

cos I looked at people
who are important to me

in terms of what
will probably kill them.

Heart disease.

Liver disease.

Somebody choking her.

I don't know.

Probably stress.

- Say anything else to him?
- No.

But you wanted to.

- You told me not to.
- Would you be a man?

Stick to your convictions
or you'll never make it as a doctor.

l can't believe your head exploded.

lf it does,
you'll never make it as a doctor.

l mean, come on.
You look ridiculous.

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