Tom Segura: Completely Normal (2014) - full transcript

Levelheaded stand-up Tom Segura shares offhand appraisals on hotels and opens up about his hobbies and digestive ailments in this comedy special.

Ladies and gentlemen,
tom segura.

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

Thank you. Very nice of you.

Thank you.

I hope I live up
to your expectations.

I realized today
that I need a hobby,

because my workday
just started, like, now.

Right now.

I mean, here's the thing,

it's not even
that big a part of my day.

So even if it doesn't go well,
it's like, ah, you know,

still a pretty
good fucking day.

Like, it was...
wasn't a bad day.

It just... you know, that part at
work that, for an hour,

just didn't go to my liking,

and then I had
a great day otherwise.

'Cause my whole life is
basically, you know,

it's... it's... it's hotels.

Being in a hotel,
just waiting for the show.

Sad, right?

I'm just waiting
for the show to start.

And you're like,
what... what am I gonna...

I mean, you can only jerk off
so many times

before you're like, all right,

I'm gonna do it again, but...

Right now it hurts.

I should find
something else to do.

I absolutely ruin hotel rooms.

Like, if you stay in a hotel
room after I stayed there,

shit is gonna itch on you, okay?

Just being honest.

Come on, hotels are great.

Everybody loves hotels.

Especially when you check in

with your significant other.

Because you know in a hotel

you're gonna have sex,

and you're gonna have
an elevated form of sex.

You're gonna have
hotel room sex,

which is, let's have sex,

but let's also
disrespect this room.


I do that too,
except I'm alone.

Like, I always wipe my balls
on the curtains,

because I know
they don't change those.

Think about that the next time
you want some sunlight.

Or don't.

Just know that it's on your
hand, you know what I mean?

Here's what I've been trying
to figure out.

I got into
online shopping recently.

I guess that's a thing.

Here's what
I've been doing though.

I shop for things
that are, like,

way out of my price range.

And then after a while,
I go, "oh, yeah."

I can't afford that."

Like today,
I was looking at yachts online.

And then I was telling myself
I didn't want them,

as if they were an option,
you know?

I was like, "155 feet?
That's not even"

"big enough for
all my friends and family.

I'm not getting that shit."

What the fuck am I doing?

You ever do that?

You ever go down, like,
a rabbit hole online,

and then, like,
six hours have gone by,

and you're like, "I'm shopping
for the private jet"

"that best suits my needs.

"I think I found...
this is it right here.

The g550."

How much is this? Place order.

$53 million?

Well, maybe not now,
but maybe later.

I'll just bookmark
that shit for now.


You know what that is?

That's a sense of entitlement.

That's me thinking I should be
associated with this thing.

And I haven't earned it.
I haven't.

Neither have you, but also me.

I get that feeling the most when
I get upgraded to first class.

Yeah. I fly every week.

I never buy
a first class ticket.

I buy coach tickets.

I buy them so much,

I get bumped up to first class.

I am telling you, the moment
I get bumped up to first class,

I get washed over
with this feeling.

I'm like, "look at these fucking
poor pieces of shit"

on my flight. Ugh."

I'm so much better than them.

Don't stand next to me.

Ugh, dude.

I dare you to try
to come up from coach

and use the first class bathroom
when I'm there.

I'll put my hand on your chest,

No. No.

There's a pig trough
in the back.

That's for you guys.

That's for the big ballers
up front.

Some people
buy first class tickets.

I always feel like they know
you got upgraded.

They always give you
the look like,

"by the way, we fucking know."

You can sit up here,
but you're not like us.

God, it's so weird.

People... people ask me cra...
like, I get asked

fucking travel advice
from strangers.

Can we just break down
how crazy that is?

Like, people come up to me,
and they're like,

"hey, you travel a lot, right?"

And I'm like, "yeah."

They're like,
"where should I go?"

Uh, I don't fucking
know you, man.

You ask travel advice to people
who know you intimately.

They know you well.

They can guide you

based on what
they know about you.

I mean, you don't ask strangers
dining advice, right?

You're like, "hey, man,
where should I eat tonight?"

I know I've never met you before
in my life,

but do you think you could give
me a recommendation?

Uh, yeah. You should try
this dim sum place.

But then, that person might go,
"oh, I hate the asian worid."

And you're like, "oh, shit."

I didn't know that about you."

"Yeah, I killed,
like, four of them."

"What are you, like,
a serial killer, or something?"


Now, you're in an awkward

with a serial killer.

Here's all I'm saying.

I can't tell you where to go.

I can tell you where not to go.

Wherever they film
the first 48 on a&e.

Oh, if you're not familiar with
the show, here's what it is.

Camera crews follow real
homicide detectives

for the first 48 hours
after a murder.

And the reason that that time
distinction is so important,

is that after 48 hours, uh,

they give up on that murder.

They're like,
"that's some old shit.

What do you want to do today?"

You're like,
"how about you keep trying

"to solve that murder, man?

"That shit happened on monday.
It's wednesday.

We're not gonna
solve that shit."


There are so many amazing
moments on that show... so many.

A lot of the episodes
take a similar path.

I'm blown away, first of all,

at how many times there's
a witness to a murder.

It's crazy.

I always thought murders
happened in dark alleys,

nobody saw shit.

No. Every other episode,

they're like,
"you see that shit?"

And the guy's like,
"I saw that shit. Yeah."

"Where?" "Right fucking here."


"I was standing here,

and then he killed
that dude there."

"What did he look like?"

"He was, like, 5'2" to 6'8",
something like that."

"That's the fucking description
you're gonna give us?"


"Anything else about him?"

"Yeah, he had ears too."

"Thanks, man."

"No problem."

They still will
sketch that shit out.

And they show it to people.

"Do you know this guy?"

And everyone's like, "nah."

But then one guy'll
be like, "yeah!"

That's cricket right there."

They're like, "oh, shit."

You know him?"

"I been knowin' cricket
27 years."

"What's his real name?"

"Man, that's just cricket.

I don't even know."

Stop being white and weird.

That's a perfect fucking

and you know exactly
who that was, okay?

Yeah, it's a black guy and
he's wearing a wife beater,

and he's got on a dirty hat
and he's got a cigarette

hanging out of his mouth,
and he looks like he's about 33,

but you find out
he's 76 years old.

And he speaks super aggressively
to the cops.

Like, "I been out here
for a minute!"

And they're like,
"all right, all right.

"Jesus christ.

When was the last time
you saw him?"

"He came through
with jellyfish last week.

They were lookin'
for some smoke!"

And they're like,
"all right. Jesus christ."

They always cut to the whitest
detective from that guy too.

They cut from that guy
to a guy who's like,

"I don't think
he's gonna help us out.

We're gonna have to find
cricket on our own."

That show has the best moment
in televisi?n.

It's the most dramatic thing you
could ever see,

'cause it's real life,
and that is the interrogation.

The interrogation is amazing.

Because here's the thing
about drama...

if you want to have
a great, dramatic moment,

raise the stakes.

Guess what?

There's no higher stakes

than somebody being questioned

about taking
somebody else's life.

It's inherently compelling

It is also super serious.

But the detectives insist on
using the suspect's street name,

so the whole thing turns
into a fucking cartoon.

Like, they're literally like,
"your life is on the line.

"We need to talk to you.

"Why don't you have a seat,

"uh, little stank?

"Why don't you sit down
for a second?

Did you or did you not
know dookie shoes?"

"I don't know no dookie shoes."

"I got a picture of you hanging
out with dookie shoes."

"I mean, I seen him.

I don't know him."

And then, they'll throw one bit
of evidence against the wall,

hoping it'll solve the case.

They'll be like, "well, we were
talkin' to nah'mean",

and he said that you were at
the 7-eleven last week."

And he'll be like, "yeah,
I shot him in the face."

And you're like,
"goddamn, really?"

That's all it took
to break you?

Dude, lie.

Lie for longer.

You can kill somebody,
you can't lie

for ten fucking minutes
about it?

Like, dudes will break
on anything.

They'll be like,
"we heard you had on

a blue shirt last friday."

"Yeah, I stabbed
those four people."

Dude, a lot of people
have blue shirts, man.

You could still
get out of this.

Here's what I've learned
watching that show, okay?

Lawyer up.

You can't handle that shit.

Everybody's like,
"I'm gonna talk to the cops

and straighten
this whole thing out."

You're gonna do 25 to life.

Have fun with that, man.

Nobody asks for a lawyer.

I've seen 300 people get
interrogated on this show.

Two of them were like,
"can I talk to a lawyer?"

And both times, the detectives
were like, "fuck!"

And then, at the end of those
episodes, it said on the screen,

"all charges against tayshaun
were dropped."

Or jim. Pick a fucking name.

Let's be honest.

There's no jims on the show.

I've seen every episode, and
none start with,

"hey, bryce, can we talk to you
for a second, man?

Where were you last friday?"

"I was over at tanner's house.

"Then skylar had a party,
so we went over there.

"And then, we picked up connor,
and we had pancakes.

"Sorry, bro.

Detective bro, bro."

I swear to god, there is no more
liberating and fun thing to do

in this worid than scream

in your best aggressive
black guy voice.

Holy shit. So much fun.

I highly recommend you do it.

Not if you're black.

If you're black,
you already do it.

But if you're white, do it.

Do it in public.

Do it where
there are black people.

And here's a little secret,
if you do it well,

there is a possibility

that a black guy
will yell back in return.

I do it all the time.
I live in los ?ngeles.

Pick your spot.
I go to crenshaw.

There's never a shortage there.

I do. I hang back and I go,

"hey, yo!"

And sometimes... sometimes,
a black guy'll go, "sup, d?"

I did it to
big daddy kane one time.

I swear to god.

I swear... hand to god.

If you don't know
who big daddy kane is,

you can go fuck yourself, okay?

I was standing
on sunset boulevard.

- A limousine pulled up.
- Whoo!

Likefor sunset?
Really? All right.

A limo pulled up, like,
I don't know, 30 feet from me.

I was just, like, all right.
See the door open.

Who's getting out of this limo?

Expecting, like, a bachelor
party or some shit.

Fucking big daddy kane.

I'm like,
get the fuck out of here.

And something just took over,
you know?

The spirit grabbed me.

And I was like, "'sup, kane?"

And his head whipped around,
and he was like, "you?"

And I was like,
"nuh-uh. That wasn't me.

"Somebody over there
did that shit.

That wasn't me."

If you ever see big daddy kane,
please do the same shit to him.

Every week,
it's another city for me.

I get asked the same questions
every week by people.

"Are people
the same everywhere?"


Some places suck
and they have shittier people.

I just gave you
a sociology degree.

How about that? You like that?

Here's one universal truth
about people, though.

This one is true,

and that is that everybody

just wants to connect.

It doesn't matter where you go,
or what language you speak,

people just want to connect.

And you know when you have
chemistry with somebody.

You know if you're like, "I want
to hang out with this person,"

or "I want
to date this person,"

or "I want to harness this
person to the bottom"

"of my big rig and drive them
around for a while

"and bury them 18 miles west
of lake worth.

And when I drive by,
I'll get a boner."

We all have these thoughts,

Sometimes there's nothing there,

and people try
to force a connection.

I think that shit's rude.

I'm checking into a hotel
a few weeks ago.

The guy comes from
behind the counter

and he goes,
"where are you from?"

I said, "los ?ngeles."

And he goes, "yeah,
I got family in denver."

And I was like,
"what a coincidence."

And he goes, "yeah,
they got a furniture store."

And I was like, "ah."

I like to sit on furniture.

We're two for two.

I have shoes on.
Do you have shoes on?

Do you like to walk around?

Let's fucking party.

There's nothing there.

there's nothing there.

And that's okay.

You're not supposed to connect

with everybody on the planet.

That would be absurd.

You should embrace that.

I've been doing this.

You should do this too.

Next time you're at a bar

or you're just out
walking around,

and somebody goes, "hey, man."

Just go, "nope."

I'm all friended up."

And if they're like, "I just
want to know what time it is."

Be like, "I only tell my friends
what time it is."

You'll feel like a dick, but
then you get over it real quick.

I feel like no matter where
I go, ten times a day,

I find myself
asking myself this question...

I find myself going
like, "hey, man",

"is anybody else
seeing this shit right now?

Have I stepped into a parallel
fucking universe or something?"

Like, I went to buy a coffee
just a few weeks ago

from a coffee place.

Just so there's no confusi?n.

I didn't go to a shoe store.

I went to a coffee place, okay?

I go to the lady
behind the counter,

and I go,
"can I have a coffee?"

And she goes, "well,
we have a special promotion",

"and today, for $2,
you can get this drink,

"and it has vanilla, and... and
there's whipped cream

and there's sprinkles on it."

"And I was like," that's cool.

"I don't want that.

May I have a coffee?"

"And she goes,
it's the last day...

Of this special promotion."

And I was like,
"oh, I think I understand

"the full scope
of the promotion.

May I have a coffee?"

And she's like,
"you're a fucking loser."

Here's the thing, this woman
was enormous, okay?

She was hu... she looked like four
people melted into one.

So I was like, "you know what?"

"You're super fat.

"You know when
shit tastes good.

Hook that shit up.
I want to try it, all right?"

And she goes, "it's $2."

And I go, "all right."

And then I extended a $20,

and she goes...

And I go, "I'm sorry?"

And she goes, "I don't have
the change for that."

And I was like, "oh, so what
do you want to do now?"

Are you saying I have too much
money to shop here?"

And she goes,
"we just can't handle it."

And I was like, "handle it?"

It's a 20."

Like, I didn't put the hope
diamond on the counter,

and go,
"figure it out, stupid."

Like, it's reasonable, right?

And she was just all shoulders.

Like, mm.

And I go, "nothing?
You have no solution?"

And she goes,
"do you still want coffee?"

I'm like, "yeah.
That part's never changed."

That's why I'm here."

I go, "you can't
resolve this at all?"

And she goes, "you could ask
somebody else for change."

And I go,
"another customer in line?"

And she goes, "yeah."

And I go, "what about the box"

with buttons in front of you?"

And she goes...

So I turn around
to the line of people,

and I go, "excuse me",

"do any of you guys
have change?"

And everybody was like,
"you fucking asshole."

"Like, you're at
the place to get change.

You're right there."

Well, then this one arab
guy... and I'm not saying

that means anything...
but he was,

so why leave it
out of the story?

He goes, "I have everything."

And I was like, "oh."

And then he opened his attache

and he had every denomination
of every currency.

Like, where I could go,
"I want one of those,

and I want one of those,
and I want one of tho..."

he's like, "yes, yes, yes."

Now, enjoy your pussy drink."

Okay. All right.

And I want you to know

I drank that pussy drink,

and that's the best shit
I've ever had

in my entire life.

Pussy drinks forever.

I'm not sure that's what they're
called, so take your chances.

But it would be cool if you went
to a starbucks tomorrow,

and you're like, uh,
"can I get a pussy drink?"

And they're like,
"I think I know what you want.

Hold on a second."

Can we just all agree on one
thi... can we just

fucking get onboard
with the fact

that it is time to see
an end to the man

who walks around in public
with a cowboy hat on,

like he's not wearing
a cowboy hat in public?

I see these guys everywhere.

Banks, grocery stores, airports.

And now, not only do I see guys
wearing cowboy hats,

but they have adopted
the cowboy persona.

Like where they think they're
actual fucking... like the...

Well, pardon me, ma'am.

I'll tell you what.

You look fucking ridiculous
right now.

Like, you're a cowboy, really?


A- bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang.

Get the fuck out of here.

Here's all I want from cowboys.

Just be cowboy all the way,
all right?

Work with livestock.

Like, if somebody says,
"let's go get a beer."

I want to hear you say,
"I got to shave some sheep."

End your disputes
with a pistol.

If somebody cuts you off
in line, be like,

"meet me at the saloon at noon.

I'm a cowboy."

And you better ride
a horse everywhere.

If you wear a cowboy hat,
you shouldn't be allowed

to sit in cars
or look at planes.

You should just be like,
"I'll tell you what.

"I'll tell you what.

San francisco sure
is a pretty city."

Yeah, I'll see you there
in six months,

when you get there
on your fucking horse.

If you're a cowboy,
then I am a knight.

I'm a knight, and I'm gonna wear
armor every day,

in case somebody
wants to joust.

And you leave me alone,

because I'm doing
the queen's work.

Okay, mummy?

You know who likes to be cowboys
more than anybody?

Do you know who?

Because they're not
developed yet.

And they go, "mommy."

And you go, "yes,
you're a cowboy."

"And your sister's a princess.

"And your father's
fucking batman.

"'Cause you live in la-la land.

You don't know
what's going on right now."

Cowboy hats should
come with class rings.

'Cause I feel like the same guy
that buys one

buys the other anyway,
you know?

"Check it out.


I scored 14 touchdowns
that year."

"What are you doing now?"

"I'm just thinkin' about
killing myself."

Oh, okay.

Why don't you get a corvette
and make it a whole kit?


I just realized my fucking...

I do have a hobby.

It's probably the saddest,

most pathetic hobby there is.

And that is just watching
televisi?n shows.

What is lamer than, like,
"what do you do for fun?

What's your hobby?"
"Oh, fucking, I watch tv."

That's so indicative
of our country.

And, like, some people are
amazing with their, like...

"oh, I b... I build furniture."

You're like, "that's your job?"

"No, no. I'm a urologist."

But, like,
on the side, like, I...

oh, I like to... I like
to watch my shows.

I don't like the way people
knock tv though.

It's all the... all
the same cliche shit

they said when we were kids,

they now say as adults, right?

They're like, oh, you know,

you... you know,
you watch too much tv,

it'll rot your mind,
or, you can't learn

anything from televisi?n.

But that's not true.

You can learn a lot
from televisi?n.

For instance,
without televisi?n,

I would have no idea

that steven seagal
is out of his fucking mind.

Or alive.

I also didn't know that.

He has a show.

It's not a scripted show.

It follows around
the real steven seagal.

And every episode begins
with him looking in the camera

and saying, "I don't know
if you knew this or not",

but for the last 20 years,
I've been a cop."

And you're like,
"what did you just say?

"I thought you've been making
shitty movies

"for the last 20 years.

What are you talking about?"

And you watch this show, he
has the most unlikeable quality

in a human being,
which is that he is an expert

in everything.

Literally, if a dog walks by,

he's like, "that's a shih tzu,
boxer, hound mix right there."

And they're like,
"how do you know that?"

He's like, "I've been working
with dogs for, like 35 years."

Then, a helicopter flies by.

He's like, "that's a hub-106."

And they're like,
"how do you know that?"

And he's like,
"I've been flying helicopters

for, like, 47 years."

Then he does the thing though,
that everybody does

who knows something
about everything.

Everybody has a friend,
no matter what you're doing,

they know the history of it all,
they know every topic,

every fucking fact.

If you're eating dinner,

they're like, "you know,
forks are from the roman times",

and they would sculpt them
out of bark."

And you're like,
"will you shut the fuck up,

and let me finish this please?"

Seagal will do that too,
but you know he's making it up.

He'll be like, "you know,
they also call that helicopter"

a skippy."

And they're like, "why?"

And he goes, "listen to it."

that's bullshit.

You made that shit up.

"Nah, seriously."

It just blows my mind... it really
does... that everybody

in this room... everybody... has
this real worid possibility

in their lives... all of us,
we could go tonight,

if we wanted to... tonight,
you could go to louisiana,

you could start
a fight in a bar,

and there is
a real worid possibility

that steven seagal

will arrest you.

Isn't that insane to you?

I've lost sleep over this shit.

I mean, that's crazy.

That's literally like
if you leave here,

and you roll through
a stop sign,

and then, sylvester stallone
is like, "hey, roll it down."

"And you're like,
get the fuck out of here.

You work here?"

And he's like,
"it's my passi?n."

"Will you say adrian
or something?"


It's nuts.

You have to watch this show.

He... he panders to every group
according to race,

knowing full well
there's a camera crew

following him around.

He doesn't give a shit.

If you're white, he's like,
"how's it going?

"All right."

And then, to black people,
he's like, "what's up, cuz?"

And they're like,
"hey, what's up?"

"I'm holding you down, so holler
if you need somethin'."


And then, to all latinos...

spanish speaking people...
he insists on speaking

horrifically broken spanish,

even if they start the
conversation in english.

If they're like,

"hey, yeah, I called 911.

Thank you for coming."

The thing is...
he's like, "ah, hold on."

Mucho queso."

They're like,
"I think my english

is way better
than your spanish, man."

And he's like, "no gracias."

And then, to all asian people,
he bows,

regardless of where
he meets them.

If you're asian, and you cross
steven seagal's path,

he's like, "ha."

And they go, "hey, I was born
here, you dick."

Like, you don't
have to do that."

And he's like, "sorry."

I've been doing martial arts
for, like, 85 years."

He trains other cops
in hand-to-hand combat.

I think that's infuriating.

For those cops.

It's not like
we're hanging out,

we're like, "hey, man,
do you want to do, like",

"a couple shots,
and then go down the street?

Steven seagal is teaching people
how to throw punches."

And we're like, "okay.
Let's fucking go."

No. It's you're a cop,
and you show up at work,

and they're like,
"we're gonna go over

"hand-to-hand combat today,
so you can protect yourself

if you're in a really
dangerous situation."

You're like, "oh, cool."

"Who'd you bring in
to teach us?

Like, some navy seals,
or green berets?"

And they go, "no."

We brought in steven seagal."

And you're like, "are we
shooting a fucking movie"

this week or something?"

They're like, "uh-uh."

"Okay, I'll pass, 'cause
that's ridiculous.

I don't want to be
a part of that."

That's literally like
if you were, like, at nasa,

and they're like, "all right,
future astronauts."

"We're gonna go over
space exploration,

"and to get us started, why
don't you welcome captain kirk?

Come on out, man."

And you're like,
"is he qualified to do this?"

And they're like, "oh, you've
seen him do all that shit."

"Yeah, he knows
what he's talking about, man.

He's been up there."

They show him teaching people
how to fight.

It's horrible.
He's bloated now.

He doesn't have
the same range of motion.

He's like, "everybody line up."

If somebo...
if somebody throws a punch,

you can...
you can block it like that.

And then... and then,

you can kick 'em
in the throat like that.

Are you kicking a child
in the throat right now?

Some people's throats
are down there.

I like havarti cheese the most.

What's your favorite?

Um, I'm sorry that I'm fat.

I just realized how fat
I was by how winded I got

from just doing
those little motions.

Jesus. It's ridiculous.

Sometimes I just look
in the mirror,

and I'm like, "fuck."

I lie to myself all the time.
I cheat.

Like, I'll look in the mirror,
and I'm like, "hmm."

Yeah, that's what
you look like."

It's all these little things
that you don't think about

and you just do it automa...

here's where I really had
to call myself out.

I was getting
into a shower in a hotel,

and it was
one of these hotel bathrooms

where there's just
mirrors everywhere.

And as I was stepping
in the shower,

I looked, and I was like,
"oh, my god."

Like, "look at you."

"I can't believe somebody
lets you fuck them.

This is crazy."

I always like it
when I eat myself out of breath.

I feel like
that's a good boost to my day.

You know, I'm eating,
and then I go...

It's better a few moments later,
when you get to think about it,

and you're like,
"why did I just stop?"

To take a deep breath.

Oh, yeah.

My body also needs air,

you fat fucking turd.

I did the fattest thing
you can do a week ago.

Maybe not the fattest thing.

I think the fattest thing
you can do

is probably eat
another fat person, right?

Like, if you're fat
and you see another fat guy,

and you're like,
that guy looks delicious,

you're super fat.

I didn't do that.

I did, however, go out to eat.

I went out to breakfast.
I had croissant.

Everybody knows
what a croissant is, right?

It's a flaky-looking thing.

I ate one, and one is enough.

And then I left this place,

and I was walking
down the street.

And I saw a bakery,
and I was like,

"I wonder what their croissants
taste like."

So I entered a second venue

to shovel bread
into my stupid, fat mouth.

And the big payoff
is that when I was done,

I got to go, "oh, no."

"The first place
has better croissants.


I had catastrophic diarrhea
this morning.

And I just found out

that not everybody does.

Here's how I found out.

We moved... my wife and I
moved to a new place.

In the new place,
the living room couch

is closer to that bathroom
than it was in the old place.

So the second day we're there,
I go in there, I do my thing.

When I walk out, my wife is
no longer sitting on the couch.

She's now standing,
holding car keys.

And she goes, "do you need
to go to the hospital?"

And I go, "for what?"

And she goes, "for what
just happened in there."

And I go,
"what just happened in there?"

And she goes,
"is that normal for you?"

And I was like, "I don't even
remember what happened",

so I guess so."

She goes, "jesus, how often
do you shit like that?"

And I was like, "every day."

She goes, "oh, my god.
Is there blood in there?"

There could be. I don't know.

I just go, bap!
And I hit flush.

And she goes,
"you don't look at it?"

And I go, "where am I
supposed to look?"

"It's everywhere.

"You want me to look
at each individual piece?

No, I paint the bowl,
and then I wash it away."

That's how I found out,
at 34 years old,

that not everybody
has diarrhea every day.

I feel like, you know, wives
have to get in one last jab too,

'cause first of all,
this wasn't even an argument.

This was a conversation.

And she won
the conversation, okay?

She did.

I feel horrible
about my digestive system.

You win. It's settled.

I'm sitting on...
I'm sulking, like...

On the couch.

She's going to leave this day,

And she stops at the door
as she's leaving the house,

and she goes, "you know,
you're probably gonna die."

And I was like, "cool, babe.
Have a good day."

I'll see you
when you get home."

Then I started thinking
about it,

and I'm like,
"maybe I am gonna die."

I went to the doctor that day,

and I'm... I'm gonna be
completely honest with you.

I went to the doctor,
and I was like, "all right."

I'm just gonna get a checkup,
see what's going on."

The honest truth is I knew

it wasn't gonna
be awesome, okay?

I knew the doctor
wasn't gonna be like,

"you might be surprised to
hear this, but you're perfect.

Like, you're a perfect
physical specimen, man."

I knew
that wasn't gonna happen,

but I didn't expect him
to be a dick.

Usually, they're not.

I feel like in my experience,
doctors are polite.

Almost overly polite,

where it's phony
and condescending.

When they go,

"ah, really interesting story
you got there."

Doctors do that because
you're telling them a story,

and doctors don't want
to hear a story.

Doctors want to hear
"this hurts,"

not "I was over at my friend
charlie's house",

"and we went to move
the ottoman, and...

"I mean, you can use it
as a coffee table,

"or you can use it
as an ottoman.

It's up to you,"
and your doctor's like,

"I want to blow my fucking
brains out right now."

I go in there,
I sit on the exam table,

which is my least favorite table
to sit on in the worid

'cause it's the only table that,
in 30 years,

I've sat on where my feet
don't touch the ground.

So I feel like a fucking
toddler, waiting like...

My doctor comes in.
He doesn't say hello.

He doesn't say good morning.
He just walks in.

He points at me, which is
super aggressive, you know,

to start a conversation
with somebody.

Like, "hey, man."
You're like, "hey.

What's up, man?"

And he goes, "do you want
something for your hair?"

And I go, "what?"

And he goes, "do you want
something for your hair?"

And I go, "I don't get it."

And he goes,
"has nobody told you

that your hair's falling out?"

I was like, "damn. No."

And he goes, "ah. Sorry."

I'm like, "all right."

Then he pulls my chart
out of the slot, super dramatic,

so that it makes
a fucking noise.

He goes...

I'm like... and he goes,

And I'm like, "really, 'wow'?

Is it full-blown aids?"

Like, "why is 'wow'?"

And he goes, "you weigh 245."

And I go like, "yeah,
like, I knew that shit."

And he goes, "you weighed 230
last time you were here."

Not exactly what I would call
weight loss."

I'm like, "are we at
a fucking roast or something?"

Like, "what are you doing?"

Then he says,

"you know
you're the fattest patient

I've seen all day."

And I go,
"it's 9:30 in the morning."

And he goes, "still."

He's like, "you know,
we ran your blood work."

It turns out your muscle enzymes
are through the roof."

And I go, "yeah, man,
like, I'm super strong."

Like, how is that a problem?"

And he goes,
"they're off the charts."

I'm like, "even better."

I'm probably
your strongest patient, man."

And he goes, "I don't think
you understand muscle enzymes."

And I go, "that's true.
I don't know what they are."

And he goes, "well, the only way
you could have them this high"

"would be, like, 'a, '
if you were an olympic athlete,

which, clearly you're not."

I'm like,
"dude, what is the deal, man?"

And he goes,
"the other way would be

if you were a cocaine addict."

And I go, "I don't do coke."

And he goes, "I'm your doctor.
You don't have to lie to me."

And I go, "I'm not lying."

And he goes, "I can't treat you
if you're not gonna be honest."

And I go, "hey, man,
aren't cokeheads skinny?"

Isn't that, like,
part of the deal?"

And he goes, "usually, yeah."

The nurse comes in.

She takes my chart
out of his hands,

and she goes, "oh, my god."

"His muscle enzymes
are so high.

Maybe he runs marathons."

And my doctor goes,
"look at him."

So at this point, I go,
"this was a lot of fun.

"Thank you for having me today.

I'm gonna leave now,"
and he goes, "all right."

Then he goes,
"ho... hold on a second.

Do you have a ring
on your finger?"

And I go, "yeah."
And he goes, "you're married?"

And I go, "yeah,"
and he goes, "to a guy?"

And I go, "no."

And he goes, "oh.
I thought you were gay."

And I go, "why?"
And he goes, "I don't know."

I'm like, "all right, dude."

And he goes,
"hey, I'm just kidding."

And I go, "that's fine."
He goes, "but check it out."

And he takes my chart,
and he shows it to me,

and he had written "gay?"

On my medical chart.

The thing that gets sent
to other doctors

has his inside...

"Maybe he sucks cock" joke
written on it.

I went home. I told my wife.

She's like, "oh, my god,
what are you gonna do?"

And I was like,
"what do you mean?"

And she goes, "I mean, are you
ever gonna go back there?"

I'm like,
"are you out of your mind?

"That's the funniest
fucking doctor in the worid.

Of course
I'm going back there."

I have, like, don rickles
as my primary care physician.

That's amazing.

I'm faking injuries
to go back to this guy.

"You know
you're a piece of shit."

I'm like, "I know."

He's fucking amazing.

Oh, my god.

I do think about death.

I just want it to be justified,
you know?

Like, if I die violently,
you know,

maybe I have, like,

serena williams
sitting on my face,

and... I don't know,
venus is polishing me off,

and they're trying to fit
a racket in my ass

or something like that.

Then my wife comes in, boom,
and I'm, like, fucking done.

It's fun that way.

I don't want it
to be a dumb death.

I feel like there's dumb deaths
that they kind of subtly mock,

like, on the news. They do.

They'll be like,
in local news...

they'll be like,
"and then, also coming up,

"a guy was trying to get a soda
out of a vending machine,

and then it fell on him."

And they're like...

and you're like...

'cause that could happen
to you.

It could be, like, you know,

like, I would go
to the fucking mall,

and then I fall down the stairs,
and then they send a news crew,

and they're like,
"what happened?"

And they interview
the dumbest fucking guy,

and he's like,
"I seen him fall.

And then
he don't move no more."

And you're like,
"that's my eulogy?

Thanks a lot, man."

I felt like I was gonna die
a few months ago.

I called a car service
to take me to the airport.

You know, when you're like,
"I got 60 bucks.

Let's fucking do this, right?"

This nice town car
comes to the house.

The guy gets out.
He's got all white hair.

Much older man.

From the beginning,

he makes me uncomfortable
when he calls me sir.

I don't know
if you've ever had a guy

way older than you
call you sir.

You're like, "hey, man.
You're, like, 1,000 years old."

"You have a couple weeks
to live, maybe.

How about we drop
the formality, okay?"

I get in the car, he goes, "the
temperature all right, sir?"

I go, "it's fine."

He goes, "would you like
a bottle of water, sir?"

And I go, "you don't
have to call me sir."

You can just call me tom."

And at that moment,

all of his professionalism
went out the window.

'Cause the very next thing
he said was, "you smoke weed?"

And I was like,
"I mean, yeah, sometimes."

And he goes,
"do you want to smoke some now?"

And I was like, "I mean, yeah."

But I don't think my driver
should be offering me, you know?

He doesn't miss a beat.

He opens the console.
He takes out a joint.

He lights it.
He passes it back.

I hit it out of respect, right?
'Cause he's old.

And then I give it back to him,
and the next thing he says is,

"yeah, I can't drive
unless I'm fucked up."

I'm like, "did you hear
what you just said?"

And he goes, "yeah,
I'm ripped right now."

I'm like, "well, hands on
10:00 and 2:00, motherfucker."

Like, "keep it together."

I go, "so is that all you do?
Smoke weed?"

I can handle a guy
that smokes weed.

He goes, "well, I love it all."

And I'm like, "what's all?"

That's a broad statement."

He goes, "I love coke.
I love heroin."

"But there's nothing
like smoking rocks,

you know what I'm saying?"

And I was like, "no, I don't
know what you're saying."

Mind you,
this is while he's driving,

so it's actually like,
"I love smoking rocks, man.

You know what I'm..."
I'm like, "dude, turn around."

So I go,
"can I ask you something?"

He goes, "yeah. What's up?"

I go, "what's it like
to smoke rocks?"

I've never done that before."

And he goes,


I was like,
"is that the whole sentence?

Is that it?"

He goes,
"that shit is the best!

"What I like to do personally,

"is I like to sit
in my apartment and fire 'em up.

"And then I look
out the peephole.

"And I watch people
walk around.

"And I just freak the fuck out

about what's
gonna happen next."

And then, he gave me
a head nod like,

"doesn't that sound awesome?"

I was like,
"dude, that sounds terrible.

"That's called a panic attack,

"and that's a horrible
sales pitch for crack.

Now, I'm definitely
not gonna try it."

We pull up to the airport,
and I go,

"it's none of my business,
but I think you're too old

to be messing
with all these drugs."

And he goes,
"I don't do it anymore, tom."

Yeah, it was "sir"
at the top of the ride.

it's "tom, you piece of shit."

"I don't do it anymore.
I did it when I was younger."

And I go, "all right."

And he goes, "I mean, I still
do it every once in a while."

"But you know what they say,
if you do something

every once in a while,
it's not that bad for you."

And I was like, "dude,
I think they mean that about",

"like, pizza and chocolate."

"Nobody ever means that
for crack, just so you know."

I've never heard,
"what are you doing?"

"I'm smoking rocks."

"Well, not every day, okay?
You crazy kid."

Weed's not a big deal, though.

I don't know why the fuck

people make a big deal
out of weed.

You know? You...

You see it change.

I mean,
states have it legalized.

I don't know why...
the perception, I find,

from other people
about california,

they think that we're like
the wild fucking west.

Like, people, they're like,
"aw, you live in I.A.

"You guys just smoke joints

and tell the cops
to suck your dick, right?"

And I'm like, "yeah,
that's exactly right, yeah."

"You should do that too
when you come out.

"L.A.P.D. Is super into that.

"But take your joint,
flick it at 'em,

"be like, 'suck my dick, man.'

they'll laugh
and high-five you... it's fine."

It's so dif...
I mean, first of all...

all right, let's be clear.

If you get a medical card,

one of the things
that people don't know,

they have expiration dates
on them,

and you have to renew
your card all the time.

And it's not what you think.

It's not exactly
the easiest thing.

You literal...
you have to get in your car.

You have to drive down
to a place.

That's it... that's all
you gotta do, is go drive there.

Takes, like, five minutes.

But my card expired
three years ago.

I still haven't renewed it.

I tried to go to a dispensary
a few weeks ago,

and there's two rooms.

There's the room they check you
out in, they check your stuff,

and then, there's the main room
with all the goodies, right?

And the guy took my card,
and he goes,

"dude, I can't let you in.

Your card expired
three years ago."

I was like, "come on, man."

And he was like, "all right."

I was like, "wow, I'm
a really good negotiator, huh?"

I didn't real... well,
once you put it like that, yeah.

Getting that medical card
is surreal.

My experience was surreal.

I went to a doctor's office,

and it's not dr. Dickhead
that I was telling you about.

This is a different doctor.

He's a doctor
because he got a business card,

and he put "dr." On it.

His office
was such a piece of shit,

that you could hear
the conversation going on

between the doctor
and the patient ahead of you,

which is never
supposed to happen.

So as I'm waiting for my turn
to go in, I'm waiting,

and I hear the doctor go,
"oh, what is your medical need

for marijuana?"

And the guy in there goes,
"oh, I have a bone disease."

And I was like, "oh, shit.
I don't have a bone disease."

Like, I thought you could just
be like, "weed's awesome."

And he'd be like,
"yeah, I fucking know," like...

So I start to panic internally...
like, what am I gonna say?

And in my mind,
I just go to the worst shit.

Like, in my mind, I'll be like,
"just say you have aids.

Like, just tell him
you have aids."

Then he'll be like,
"when did you find out?"

I'll be like, "I just found out,
like, five minutes ago."

"You don't seem
that bummed out."

"Well, I'm just happy
to be here,

so let's wrap
this shit up, man."

For some reason, I pictured him
asking me to prove it,

which they would never be like,
"prove it,"

and you're like, "oh,
I left my aids card at home."

I don't have it on me."

Then I go,
"that's way too dramatic.

Just dial it back."

I'm like, "ah, I'll just say
I have cancer."

That's much more believable."

Then I start thinking
of all my family members

that have died of cancer,
and I'm like,

"man, if I say I have cancer
just to get weed,

I am getting cancer
next fucking week."

By the time
I have that thought,

I'm sitting in front
of the doctor.

He's like... I go, "what?"

He goes, "what is your medical
need for marijuana?"

And the best I can come up with
on the spot is,

"my eyes hurt."

And he goes,
"do you have visi?n problems?"

And I go, "oh, yeah."

And he goes,
"you don't wear glasses?"

And I go, "can't. Hurts."

"Everything hurts. Ow, ow.

Ow, ow."

He writes me a prescription.
I go to leave.

As I leave, I see the guy
who's going in next,

and I don't know why I think
it's gonna be funny to listen.

'Cause I think he's not gonna
get it, and I'll tell you why.

I completely judged the guy,
'cause the guy's

your typical I.A. Cholo
mexican gangbanger, okay?

It's a very specific look.
You've seen movies.

You know what the fuck
I'm talking about.

It's khaki dickies
with an oversized white t-shirt,

chuck taylors, an I.A. Hat,

and also an I.A. Tat in, like,
this general area here.

So it's like,
"aw, if I lose my hat,

I still have my favorite team
right fucking here."

So I listen at the door.

I'm like...

And I hear the doctor go,

"what is your medical need
for marijuana?"

And the guy goes,

"I just really like the way
that weed makes me feel."

And then the doctor wrote him
a prescription for that.

Yeah, you don't have to lie.

You can just be like,
"weed's awesome."

And he's like,
"yeah, I fucking know.

"I feel sorry
for all the people with diseases

"that keep coming in here, man.

"The last dude's eyes
didn't even work.

"It was sad.

You're lucky you have
your health, ese."


I'm always trying to set goals.

My latest goal... I'm trying
to be less polite, you know?

'Cause the worid
is not as polite

as you're raised to believe
it's gonna be, you know?

I don't understand why we accept
that when you say "thank you,"

people don't have
to say "you're welcome" anymore.

People have stopped.

Now, you say "thank you," and
people give you a nod, like...

I want to stab you
in the fucking ears

if you do that shit to me.
I do.

I'll go, "thank you,"
and they go...

I go, "did you not...
did you not just hear"

what I just said to you, man?"

And you get, like,
a follow-up nod.

So now, I skip it all.

I just take shit, and I go...

I find rudeness everywhere.

I think the rudest person
in the worid

is a person that waits
outside of a grocery store

with a petition for you
to sign.

What a fucking asshole you are.

They do that, and do you know
why that's a shitty thing to do?

They're systematically trying
to ruin your happiness.

'Cause you're leaving
the grocery store,

and you're feeling what?
You're feeling happy.

You're like,
"oh, I got soy milk.

It's gonna be a good week.
All right."

And then they stop me ab...
"sir, could you look at this?"

I'm like, "look at what?"

And they're like,
"do you want children to starve

and die on the streets?"

And I'm like...

"Now I do... now that you just
ruined my day, I do, yeah.

I want you to die first, but
then I want all of them to die."

I say the opposite
of whatever they're trying

to fucking get me to sign.

Like, "this is to teach blind
people how to do shakespeare."

I'm like, "I hope
they all go deaf first."

And they're like, "jesus."

I'm like,
"yeah, that's fucking right.

You're the asshole, not me."

"This is to end the war
in afghanistan."

I go, "I fucking love
the war in afghanistan."

"It's my favorite war.

I hope it goes on
for 1,000 years."

And they're like,
"you're crazy."

I'm like, "that's right.
I'm crazy."

Remember my face and never
ask me to sign shit again."

I can't get over rude people.

I was in a hotel
a few weeks ago.

I go down to the hotel gym.
I get on the treadmill.

I run, I don't know,
70 miles, right?

170 miles, thank you.

170 miles.

But I'm alone.
There's nobody in there.

I'm sweating.
I'm hyperventilating.

Then, out of nowhere,
I just hear, "getting it in?"

And I go, "jesus christ! What?"

This guy goes,
"you getting it in?"

I go, "getting what in?"

He says,
"you getting a workout in?"

I go, "doesn't it
fucking look like it?"

He goes, "yeah, you just
gotta keep doing it."

And I go, "okay."

He goes, "nah,
I used to be like you."

And I go, "what?"

He goes,
"I used to be like you.

"You just gotta keep
eating right

and keep doing it,
and you'll get there."

And I was like,
"dude, I'm disabled."

And he was like, "I'm sorry.
I didn't know that."

Let me...
let me point something out.

It's okay for me to make jokes
about disabled people

and people
with horrible diseases

because they make me

and I don't want
to be like them.

Maybe that makes me
a bad person,

but I'm an honest person,

and I'm telling you,
that shit is terrifying.

I don't want to be like them.

Here's another bit
of information.

I also don't want
to look at them.

I don't.

I refuse to watch
the michael j. Fox show

because I don't want
to see shaky face

not stand still for one frame.

The guy can't eat soup.
It's depressing, okay?

Try to pawn this thing off
as a comedy?

Get the fuck out of here.

You're bumming everybody out.

How many parkinson's jokes
am I supposed to applaud

with this thing?

I won't watch the show.
I've seen a commercial.

I will not watch that show.

You know why? A versi?n of it

plays in my head,
and it is fucking awful.

And I think
it's probably accurate.

I really do.

I bet you that show is nothing
but setups for that shit.

I bet it's just like, here...
in the next episode he goes,

"dad, can you help me
hammer in this nail?"

And he goes, "you know
they don't trust me with those."

And then you get to go,
at home,

"I get it.
He's got fucking parkinson's."

You don't think
that's been fucking pitched

in the writers' room?

"It's pasta night.
Dad, can I get some parmesan?"

"That's one thing
I can do forever."

"I'm good. I said I'm good."

You don't think the episode idea
has been talked about,

where he goes to work,
and his coworker gets to say,

"you know, I got to get
my wife a vibrator."

"That's one thing
my wife doesn't need."

And then you get to go,
"I get it.

He's got fucking parkinson's."

I don't want to see that shit.

I'm sitting at home.

I'm trying to have
fucking dinner.

I'm sitting on my couch.

We have a table,
but I'm an adult,

and I can sit wherever I want.

So I'm sitting on the couch,
about to have dinner,

and this fucking... a girl...

two giris... one girl... a girl...

two... one... a girl... two giris...

one girl who has two heads
on one body comes on.

Their heads face each other.

Their heads are like, "Mmm."

They look like
they're gonna grunt.

They look like they're gonna go,
"Mmm... Aah!"

Like that, but they don't.

This comes on tv.

There's no warning
on the screen,

like, "hey, in a second,
you might shit yourself."

Put down whatever
you're holding, seriously."

I'm sitting there,
about to eat chicken paprikash,

and it's hot, and I go...

And then I look up, and I go...

Ten seconds later,
I'm wiping the back of my legs.

Now... I'll be honest,

when she first appeared

I was like, "hey, lady, you've
got something on your shoulder."

"No, you, you've got something
on your shoulder."

But then, I realized,
"tommy, why are you so upset?

"You love monsters." Now...

Here's what's upsetting
about this show.

If you're gonna air
a fucking freak show,

which is what that is,
do you mind?

Could you please include
the freaky shit?

That's why we're watching.

You watch this show,

the two giris with
the fucking one body, two heads.

They're like, "what?"

Here's what she likes to do.

"She likes to get, fucking,
her nails done.

What's the problem?"
You're like,

"she has two fucking heads
that face each other.

Why are you cutting out scenes
that I know exist?"

There's got to be days
where one of them is like,

"I feel like
going out tonight."

"Well, I feel like
staying home."

"Well, I control the legs.
We're fucking going."

Where's that?

What about people that one of
'em loves and one of 'em hates?

That has to happen.
They have separate minds.

"We're going to tony's house."

"I fucking hate tony."

"Well, I'm gonna blow him,

"so you better get ready
for ball duty.


I can feel your judgment.

I reject
your judgment completely.

First of all,
everybody loves blow jobs.

Secondly, I'm not
making this shit up.

If your siamese twin sister
is doling out bjs,

you're along for the ride.

You don't have to participate,
but you're at least there,

I don't know,
giving notes, I guess.

"Mm, mm, mm."

"You have horrible technique.

"I can see your teeth. Meh."

"Why is it so dry? Meh."

All right, we'll move it along.

I get it.

Not everybody's on board
with double-headed bjs.

Will you at least admit to me,

and more importantly
to yourself,

that you would love to see

the girl with two heads
take a shit?

Just to see
if the faces match up, right?

Just to see
if one of them's like...

And the other one's like,
"hey, take it easy.

It's my ass too, you know."

Oh, come on.

I really wish
that each and every one of you

could see
my internet search history.

Because I think you would all
say the same thing.

I think you would all be like,

"this is one sick, twisted,
deviant pervert,

who also loves current events."

My history is literally
a back-and-forth volley

of, like, "big, sloppy tits"

smacked back and forth
by 13 cocks."

"What's going on in syria?"

I feel badly about watching
so much of it too.

You know why? 'Cause it's lazy.

I know watching
that much porn is lazy.

It gets in the way
of other things I want to do,

like learn another language.

I'd love to learn
another language,

but there's
too much porn to watch.

Why not combine the two, right?

Have you seen
these language videos?

They are boring.

"The man is sitting down."
You're like, "all right."

Have you seen an anal gangbang?

Super exciting.

Here's what I propose.

You download the series,

and then tutorial number one
begins to play.

All right? Here's what happens.

An elevator door opens.

A woman is giving a guy
a blow job, all right?

Like, an aggressive blow job.

Not one of these, like...

I mean, like...

Where you're like,
"jesus christ!

"Is the answer in there?

Is that why she's doing that?"

And she has tears
running down her face

and slobber all over herself.

And she goes... ".

"Which way is the subway?

You're like,
"now it's sinking in."

Some of you
didn't like that one.

I can tell by your faces.

Maybe that's because
you're more advanced

and you're ready
for tutorial number two.

In this one,

a man is chained to a wall.

His arms and his legs
are chained,

and he's completely naked,
and you're like,

"whoa. What's going on here?"

And then, a few seconds later,

a woman enters frame,

and she's wearing, I don't know,
a 15-inch strap-on.

She doesn't say hello
or tap him on the shoulder.

No warning, just bow!

You're like, "holy shit!"

And she just goes
to hammer town.

She's like, "bow! Bow! Bow!"

And you're like,
"what the fuck?"

And then, after, like,
the tenth stroke, she goes,

"this salad is too spicy.

And you're like,
"I'm learning spanish.

Can somebody pass me
a kleenex?"


I'm married.

You like that segue?

I like being married. I do.

You see a lot of comics, you go
to shows, and they'll be like,

"I love getting
out of the house,

just so I can get away
from that bitch."

And you're like,
"wow, sounds like you married

a real fucking asshole, man.
That's awesome."

I like it.

You know what the best part
of being married is?

You get to stop pretending.

And that's what
fucking dating is.

It's an act.
You're on broadway.

For however long you're dating,
you're doing an act,

and it looks exhausting.

That's why if you're dating and
you've ever been out in public,

and you see married people
look at you like this,

and you're like, "what the fuck
are they looking at?"

They're tired for you.

It is... it's an act,

and it's exhaust...
you see it all...

dating is a guy going,

"uh, just so you know,
I'm this guy."

And the girl's like, "well, just
so you know, I am this girl."

And then you get married,
and you're like,

"uh, so can we knock
this shit off?"

And she goes, "I hope so",

"because I gotta fart
pretty bad.

I've actually had to fart
for, like, four years."

"All right. Let that fart out."

Sexually liberating
to get married.

It is, really is.

Especially for men,
'cause here's what happens.

When you start dating somebody,
you know,

your first thing is like,
all right, you see the girl,

and you're like,
"I want to get in there."

That would be... or however you
phrase it in your head, right?

Right, and then,
you go out on a few dates,

and as you get closer to the
act... the magical act happening,

a lot of times a woman
will ask a guy.

She'll be like, "oh, so, like,
what are you into?"

What do you like?"

And this is
when a man's brain goes,

"don't scare her.

You could fuck this up for us."

So we lie to you, and we're
like, "oh, I like to hold hands."

"Uh, I like if you go...

On my neck. That's cool."

Then you get married,
and you're like,

"I want you to yank
on my ball bag

"like you're stuck at sea

and this is the only motor
that's gonna take you home."

A lot of girlfriends
can't handle that shit.

Girlfriends will be like,
"ugh, what?"

But a wife?

A wife will go, "that it?"

And you're like, "oh, yeah,
I get you for, like, 50 years."

She's like, "yeah,
I'll spit butter in your ass."

Whatever you want, man."

Or whatever.
Margarine, I don't know.

Whatever you're into, so...
olive oil.

You find, the longer
you're with somebody,

you're like,
everybody has something.

Everybody has something weird
and kinky and different.

Everyb... and you suppress it,
and you go, like, "oh, my god."

"If anybody knew... oh, my god.

I would fucking die
if somebody knew."

Everybody has something.

And you're like,
"no, not everybody.

What about jim?
He wears a blazer."

Jim too.

Jim likes to be hit in the nuts
with a wrench, okay?

Jim's out of his fucking mind.

I tour the country.

I ask people all the ti...
I hear shit.

You cannot make this sh...
I was at a show.

I asked people in the aud...

"what's your fucking
craziest thing?"

And a lady in the front row,

she goes, "I have one."
And I go, "what is it?"

And she goes, "oh, never mind."

I go, "what is it?"
And she goes, "all right.

"I like to think
of different scenarios

in which to kill my husband."

And I was like, "damn."

And he was sitting right there,
and he was like,

"that's what's up.
That's what she likes."

I was like, "really?"
And she was like, "oh, yeah."

I go,
"you go, 'I'm super horny.

"'I had the best dream

"'that you were floating
in the pool,

and then I threw a cement block
at your head.'"

and she goes,
"that would be a great one."

Same show, I swear to you,
a lady goes, "I have one."

And I go, "what is it?"

And she goes, "I like to sit
on my husband's face."

And I go,
"that's not that unique.

You can't really claim that
that's your weird thing."

And she goes, "yeah, but I only
like to feel his eyelashes"

against my butt cheeks."

And I was like, "what?"

And she goes, "mm-hmm."

And I was like, "I didn't even
know that was a thing."

And she was like, "oh, yeah."

Like, "where the fuck
have you been?"

And I'm like, "what if he, like,
you know, sneaks a lick",

like, ah-ah, like that?"

And she goes, "I go, 'no!'"

I just want to feel

So stop feeling weird and sit
on people's faces, all right?

That's what I want you
to leave here with.

Guys, we've covered
a lot of stuff tonight.

We really have.

Some of you might, you know,
not think highly of me.

I don't know,
some of you might be like,

"this guy's fucking stupid."

Some of you might think
I'm offensive.

Some of you might think
I'm unenlightened.

I don't know.
But I will tell you this.

I believe in humanity. I do.

I believe
we're all here together,

and I believe there's
no such thing as coincidence.

And I think
I can tell you the story

that will also make you
believe this, all right?

A few years ago,
I was in washington d.C.,

and I was sharing a cab
with a woman I didn't know.

Never met her before in my life.
We're splitting the cab.

Midway through the ride,
as I'm looking out my window,

I hear the woman go,


And I thought
she was gonna be like,

"hey, like, you want to fuck
or something?"

And I was gonna be like,
"I can't.

I'm married.
So make it quick, all right?"

I look over, I'm like,
"what is it?"

And she goes, "is this yours?"

And she's holding a wallet.

And I go, "no, it's not mine."

And she goes, "oh, it must be
the previous rider's wallet."

I'll just give it
to the driver."

And I go, "don't do that.
Look at him."

"He looks like a cab driver.

"He probably smokes crack
every once in a while.

You can't trust these guys."

I go, "give it to me."

I'll get it back
to the rightful owner."

And she goes, "really?"
I go, "yeah."

She gives me the wallet.

Now, I feel obligated
to find the owner.

But here's the honest-to-god
truth, I really want to.

I've always dreamed
about finding a wallet.

I don't know why.

I dreamed
I would find a wallet,

I would open it,
it would have $1,000 in it,

I would get it back
to the rightful owner,

it would turn out to be,
like, will smith,

and then he'd be like,
"do you want a helicopter?"

And I'd be like, "yeah."

And then I'd be like,
"I got a family in denver.

Do you like furniture?"

So I open this wallet.

It has $2,
a grocery store rewards card,

and a community college I.D.

So I have found
not will smith's wallet.

But I still try
to do the right thing.

I call the grocery store,
I explain the situation,

and I go,
"can you help me out?"

And they go,
"no, we're a grocery store.

"We don't track people down.

Eggs are on sale.
Go fuck yourself."

And I was like, "cool."

Thank you.
Thank you for your help."

Then, I call
the community college,

and I speak
to literally every department

in the community college
for 41/2 hours,

before I finally get
a contact number.

I call the number,
and a man answers the phone

who I can only imagine
has never used a phone before,

'cause he actually answers
the phone with a noise.

So just to break
this shit down,

I don't know if you've ever
used a phone before,

but usually,
when you call someone,

And they pick it up,

they say, "hello."

That's fucking it.

That's what people say
when they answer the phone.

Maybe if they're
in a bad mood, "what?"

Those are the two options.

This man answers the phone...

Picks it up, and he goes,


And I go, "hello?"
And he goes, "wah."

And I go, "I'm gonna talk,
and then you talk."

And he goes, "yeah."

Like, it was the first time
someone explained to him

how fucking phone calls work.

Up until that point, he was
just like, "that made a noise."

"I'm gonna make a noise too.


So I go,
"hey, I found this wallet."

"I was given your number. I'm
trying to return the wallet."

And he says,
"it's probably my son's wallet.

"He's always losing shit

because he's a piece of shit."

That's the first thing... I don't
even know how to respond.

I'm like, "ah."

I go, "well, can I give him
his shit back?"

He goes, "he's a real asshole."

And I go, "we're talking
about your son right now?"

And he goes,
"yeah, I don't think

he's gonna amount to anything."

I go, "jesus christ."

I go, "maybe he will amount
to something"

if he gets his wallet back."

And he goes, "yeah, yeah."

I'll let him know you called."

And then he hangs up the phone

without taking my information.

So his plan is to go to his son
and be like,

"some guy found your wallet.

Yeah, I don't fucking know,"

and just, like, walk away.

So I'm super frustrated.

I tried to do the right thing,

I forget about the wallet.

A year goes by.
A year, a calendar year.

I go back to d.C.

I go in town, I call a friend,
we go to a restaurant,

just a random restaurant.

We sit down, and the waiter
comes up to take our order,

and I go, "justin?"

And he goes,
"how do you know my name?"

And I go,
"dude, I have your wallet."

And he goes,
"oh, do you have it on you?"

I go, "no, I don't fucking
walk around with your wallet."

"I don't go, 'I got my wallet,
and I got justin's wallet.

Now, I'm ready to go out.'
No, you fucking psycho."

And he goes, "do you want
to hear about today's specials?"

And I go,
"do you want to acknowledge

that this is an amazing moment
in both of our lives?"

And he goes,
"what do you mean?"

"What do I mean?

"I found your wallet in a cab
in d.C. A year ago.

"I don't know how many cabs are
here, but I think it's a lot.

"I got told no 100 times by
100 people trying to find you.

"My hotel room used to look like
an episode of ncis.

"There was pins and charts
connecting shit to each other.

"I spoke to your father,
who's not a fan.

"I don't know
if you knew that or not.

"I come to a restaurant
at random,

"I get seated in your section,

"and I recognize you
from your I.D.

"That's burned into my memory.

You don't think
that's fucking amazing?"

And he goes,
"we have a prime rib special.

We also have a penne pasta."

I can't eat.
I'm like, "what the fuck?"

He comes by, I go,

"look, I don't want
to make a big thing here,

"but I do remember that I have
your wallet in my bag...

"my bag in my hotel room.

If you want to come by,
I will give you your wallet."

And he goes, "okay."

I go back to the hotel.
I hear a knock at the door.

And now, I'm expecting him
to lose his shit.

I think the situation
merits freaking the fuck out.

I think he was playing it cool,
and now he's gonna be like,

"I didn't want
to say this earlier.

We should open a surf shop
in maui together, you know?"

Or, like,
"this is my newborn son.

I want you to have him,"
like that shit.

So I hear a knock at the door.

I open the door,
I'm like, "hey."

And he goes,
"hey, you got my wallet?"

And I go, "yeah,"
and I give it to him,

and he goes, "cool."

And he turns around,
and he walks away.


It is not cool.

So I open the door,

and I see him
about to get on the elevator.

I go, "hey, justin!"
And he goes, "yeah."

And I go, "your dad's right...
you're a fucking asshole",

and you're never gonna
amount to anything,"

and I shut the fucking door.

You fucked up, justin.
You could've been here, man.

Thank you, guys.
You were amazing.

Have a great night. Thank you.

Thanks a lot.