Tom Gleeson: Joy (2020) - full transcript

This show is called Joy.
I guess it's a joy to be here.

And did you think
that was your head before? When you...

You probably did.
You thought "That's fuckin'... Oh, no."

Now you have to put up with
that disappointment for the whole show.

And I've to put up with
that disappointment for the whole show.

I don't know what you're laughing at,
you've got the same head.

So do you, so do you.

I am a section of the community.

Another one at the back
G'day, mate. How are you?

I've been doing this show for a while.

I actually started in Queensland
earlier in the year



and I did the show at the Queensland
Performing Arts Centre.

And it was beautiful. It was no
Mulhouse Theatre in Melbourne.

It was fucking bigger. Anyway...

I did this show at the Opera House.
I thought, why tape it here?

I'll pick a tiny shithole.
But anyway, I don't know.

I don't know why I did that.
I don't know why I did that.

Other people will think, "Opera House,
that's the pinnacle of your career."

Not me, I thought, I need a smaller venue
that's more obscure, but anyway...

Preferably it has never been
on a postcard.

And I chose this place. Anyway...

So I'm doing a show
at the Queensland Performing Arts Centre,

and I finish the show
and it was wonderful.

Then I walk out, and I cross the road...

And I don't know about you,
but I cross the road when I want to,



OK, because I'm an adult.

But I crossed the road
straight into the Queensland police,

and I got done for jaywalking.

Now, I'm an adult,
I cross the road when I want to.

You know, I don't...

If I see a gap in the traffic,
that's mine.

I'm not waiting for some fuckin' green man
to tell me what to do.

I will cross when I want to,
thank you very much.

So I just crossed the road and I walked
straight into the Queensland police

and he said, "Oi, what are you doing?"
I'm like, "I'm being an adult."

He said, "Do you have any ID?"
And I'm like, "No.

'Cause I don't need it anymore."

I can get into pubs.
It's quite easy for me.

If I ever get asked for ID,
I think, "If you think I'm under 18,

I am not well," just quietly.

So I said, "No, I do not have any ID."

And he said, "What's your name?"

Now, I'm not trying to make the point
that, you know,

he should've known who I was. Right?

That is not the point I'm trying to make.

Like, I understand that some people
don't watch the ABC.

That's fine.

Not everybody watches TV.

Some people don't watch the ABC.

I find it attracts
a more intelligent audience.

I'm saying it's smarter viewer, and I was
talking to the Queensland police.

Anyway...

Like, as a Venn diagram,
those two circles don't meet.

You know what I mean?

And he wouldn't get that joke.

So he says, "What's your name?" Right?

And I go, "Tom."

And I'm not making this up,
he goes, "How do you spell that?"

And I thought maybe he's taking the piss,
I'm happy with that.

I take the piss. I was looking
for a twinkle in the eye.

There was no twinkle in the eye.

He was dead inside. Anyway...

"How do you spell that?"
I'm like, "T-O-M."

And he said, "Is that short for anything?"

And I'm like, "Yeah."

"What?"

"Thomas."

"How do you spell that?"

"T-H-O-M-A-S.

You know Tom? You know it's...
Any Tom, Dick or Harry.

You know that expression?
You know that...

It's just... Any Tom, Dick or...
That means it's fucking common.

Yeah? Like...

And Tom's the easiest to spell
out of those three." Anyway.

"What's your surname?" I go, "Gleeson."

It's all right. G-L-E-E

S-O-N."

And the only reason I tell you this story
is because this was all happening

in front of a billboard of me
that was 12 feet tall.

Twelve feet fuckin' tall

on the side of the Arts Centre.

Like, when he first asked for ID,
I didn't quite have it within me to go,

"Fuckin' there!"

Ah.

This is gonna go well tonight,
I can feel it.

Really gonna put a lot of effort in.

I was talkin'
to my four-year-old boy, right? And...

I was talkin' to him the other day,

and he goes, "Dad." I'm like, "Yeah."

And he goes,
"I swallowed a two dollar coin."

"I swallowed a two dollar coin,
but it's OK 'cause it's an accident."

And I thought he snookered me there,
hasn't he?

That's a good trick. He's gonna
push me into a corner there.

"It was an accident." 'Cause he knows
I can't get angry at him

'cause if I get angry at him,
he'll start to keep secrets.

Right? So now I'm in this weird position,

where I have to praise him
for being an idiot.

And that doesn't come naturally to me.

So I go, "Well done, boy,
thanks for telling Dad.

Thank you. Thanks for telling Dad.
You've done the right thing."

And then I go
to the children's hospital website,

and it's no big deal, I look it up,
and you just got to wait it out, you know?

You just got to wait
for it to pass through. No big deal.

And I'll be honest with you,
it was exciting.

You know what I mean? I knew what
it was like to be in the Gold Rush.

You know, like,
"Dad, I need to go to the toilet."

I'm like, "Oh, this could be it!"

Could be on. Oh, anything? Nothing.
Oh, what a shame.

I'd feel so dispirited, you know.

"Dad, I need to go to the toilet."
"We're back on."

"Is there anything? No, oh, man..."

You know.

Now I've got a colander I can't look at
the same way again.

Whenever I'm stranded in Catalonia,
I get flashbacks.

And I'll be honest with you,
his output was impressive.

You know what I mean?
Like, it looked like it was done by a man.

I was, like, "How did you do that?
That is outrageous, mate.

"Like, that is the size of a...
How did you..."

Like, did I leave the back door open
and a tradie came in and snapped one off

and then put my boy on top of it
to cover their tracks.

"That is fuckin' outrageous.

That is the same width
as your waist, mate.

You must be all colon.
I should change your name to Colin."

Anyway, so,

24 hours go past
and there's no result.

And we've got to go overseas.
We've just got to go.

And, you know, we just... We gotta leave,
like, that was already booked.

And anyway, I feel bad
'cause now he's smuggling currency

across international borders.

Turned him into a gold coin donation mule.

You know, we get
to the X-rays at security, you know.

I feel like staying to the staff,

"Can I put him in the tray? Can I?

He's got two dollars up his ass.

And I just wanna know where it is.
It's more a point of curiosity for me now.

Is it up to his duodenum. Where is it?

If you find it, you can keep it."

Anyway, so we get to the holidays,

and now it's been like 48 hours, and I go
to the children's hospital website

and it's an issue.

They recommend
that you go to the hospital, right?

'Cause it could be lodged.

And I'm like, "Oh, man, you know.

I'm overseas, we gotta go
to the hospital, it's gonna be expensive,

I'm already two dollars down."

Anyway, he goes, "Dad." I'm like, "Yeah."

"You know how
I swallowed the two dollar coin?"

I'm like, "Yeah." "Just tricking."

"That's a funny trick, wasn't it, Dad?"

I spent two days sifting through shit

for gold that was never there.

Now I know how everyone else
at the Logies felt.

I don't feel like that.

They do.

I've been teaching my children
how to be Australian.

OK, so when it's my turn to cook,
we go to the Chinese restaurant.

'Cause that's what we do
in Australia, you know.

When you can't be fucked doing a job,
you outsource the labor to Asia.

It's what we do.

We don't manufacture anymore.

So I took them to the Chinese restaurant,
and I show them how it's done.

I'm like, "Kids, all right,
this is how we do it, OK?

"We order the sweet and sour pork.

And it has to be pink,
and it has to be fluoro.

And it has to look unlike anything
that has ever been cooked in China.

And then we order the honey prawns.

And they are more delicious the further
inland you are when you eat them."

You know
where my favorite honey prawns are?

Fuckin' Dubbo, that's where they are!

If ever I see a Chinese restaurant
near a fish market,

I don't risk it. They might be fresh,
and I don't wanna know about it.

I like my honey prawns
to be snap frozen in 1988,

thawed out in the '90s, and cooked
during the Howard era.

That's the way I like my honey prawns.

I like my honey prawns
to be Heritage listed!

And then, when they ask you
for the chopsticks,

you just go, you just go, "Yes!"

Regardless of your skill level.

'Cause you just do your best.

You know what I mean?
You just do your best.

'Cause you know when you're
fumbling around like a fuckwit,

the staff would just walk up
and patronizingly

put down a spoon without saying a word.
They're like...

And then for dessert,
you either order the lychees

which taste like a smell.

"I'm eating a fucking fragrance over here.
What is this?"

Or you get the fried ice cream.

And if you get the fried ice cream,
it's compulsory that someone

at the table has to go,
"How the fuck did they do that?

I mean, it's frozen, but it's fried.
I don't get it.

How do they...
What kind of voodoo is this?

Fuckin', Peter,
how did you do this shit?"

I actually find going to the restaurant
with my children easier

than going to the restaurant
without my children.

And you'll agree with me that it's easy

if you agree that being annoying
is easier than being annoyed.

Being annoyed takes effort,
you know what I mean?

Like, it's... Like, that's...
When people are annoyed,

they upset themselves
more than the people they're upsetting.

Like, being annoyed takes effort.
I know 'cause I see the people

on the tables next to us.

I like the people who try to recruit

other tables to their misery,
you know? Like...

At our table, we don't give a shit.
We're having great fun.

"Hey, kids, look, you can use
the chopsticks as drumsticks."

"Have a second pint of lemonade,
I don't give a fuck."

"Who wants a honey prawn, open your gob."

"Hey, look, you can tap dance
the prawn chips into the carpet.

"Kids, you should do it, too. Come on."

"Look, you can use the Lazy Susan
like you're a DJ."

I like to sic my children onto people
I don't like the look of.

I'll say to my boy,

"Go and wipe your nose
on that sourpuss. Go on."

Uh...

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

I have no idea why he does that.

Here's two dollars, mate.
Don't put it up your ass, all right?"

I was in a pub in Sydney.

And everyone was drunk and having fun,
so they closed.

Well, we can't keep doing this.

Someone might graze their knee
or get a sniffle, so they close.

I don't know if you know,
but in Sydney, too,

when they close a pub, they close quick.

You know what I mean?
When they go last drinks,

you don't hear the word "drinks."

They just go, "Last..." And then you're
out on the street. You're like, "Oh!

How did I get out here?"

But I didn't wanna leave
because I couldn't find my jacket, right?

So I just said, "No, no, no.

I'll just find my jacket
and then I'll leave."

And they're like, "No, you won't.
Get the fuck out of here, buddy."

And I was like, "No, no,
I will find my jacket.

It's a leather jacket, I like it.
It's quite expensive.

And after I've found it, then I'll leave,
if that's not too much to ask."

They're like, "We don't give a fuck, mate.
Get the fuck out of here."

Now, I've got this problem

where, when I've had a few drinks,

I become really, really correct.

I become well thought out and charismatic.

At a volume.

So I was like, "No, I will find
my leather jacket and then I'll leave."

And I started to look
for my jacket obnoxiously.

Like, "Oh, it's got to be here somewhere.

Oh, well, we'll find it
and then we'll leave.

You know, if you all help me,
we could all get out of here a bit sooner.

You work in hospitality, maybe you should
try being a bit fucking hospitable!"

Anyway, so...

The bouncer, he was immune to my charms.

He actually did a trick
I'd never seen before.

I had my phone sitting in my top pocket,
just sitting there.

And he just pulled it out, whip,
and put it on the footpath outside.

And of course, I'd had a few drinks,

I'm like, "Oh, hang on,
that's my phone. Oh!

"Oh!

"Oh, you can't do that to my phone, mate."

Pick up my phone, door behind me...

I'm like, "Oh, bullshit."

There's nothing worse than being
outsmarted by someone dumber than you.

You know what I mean?

It's a dirty feeling, you know.

Felt like I let my uni down.

If I'd had my wherewithal,
when he took my phone,

when he took it,
I should've just gone, "Oh!

Hang on, now I've lost my phone as well.

Oh, it's probably in my jacket.
Now we definitely have to find my jacket.

Come on, everyone,
the search is back on. Let's go!

We're gonna be here all night."

So the next morning,
I wake up feeling regretful,

but I still don't have my jacket.
So I think, "You know what?

I'll ring the pub, try my luck," right?

And I get on to a different manager,

which is handy, OK?

And he says, "Well, I've got good news.

Um, a woman left her number.
She has your jacket."

And I was like, "OK."

So I called Debra,
and she's like, "Hello."

And I'm like, "Hi.

I believe you have my jacket."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Well, I saw your leather jacket
sitting on the back of a chair,

and it was left unattended,

and I was worried that someone
might steal it.

So I took your jacket back to my house
for safekeeping."

"OK.

Were you worried
that someone I didn't know

might take my leather jacket
back to their house?"

"Yeah."

"That's what you've done.

I don't know who you are."

"Yes, you do. I'm Debra.

You rang me."

"OK.

Um, what are we gonna do now?"

"Where are you staying?"

"Um, I'm staying at the Hilton,
in the city."

"All right, I'll meet you there."

"OK."

So, I went down to the foyer
and I'm just waiting.

I don't know what she looks like.

And this car pulls up, and it's Debra
with, I presume, her husband.

And they just pull up,
wind down the window just a little bit,

and then just give me my leather jacket
like it's a Big Mac at the drive-through.

Just like, "There you go."
And I just take it.

And before I can say thank you, they just
wind up their window and drive off.

And I'm like, "Thank you!"

And I'm like,

"What the fuck was that about?

Like, what is going on with my life?"

So I did what I always do
when weird shit happens to me.

I rang me younger brother.

And I don't know why, he's always
the perfect person to ring,

so I just rang him up. And I said,
"Bro, the weirdest thing happened to me.

This woman called Debra
just took my leather jacket

from the pub last night,
kept it overnight hostage at her place

and then just released it back to me
the next day, with no explanation.

What the fuck is going on with my life?"

And my brother goes, "Oh, bro.

I know what's happening.

I reckon she's a fan.

I reckon she's a fan of yours
and she took your leather jacket.

She laid it out on her loungeroom floor,
and she fucked on it.

That's what happened, bro.

Or even worse, her husband
put on your leather jacket,

pretended to be you, and rooted her.

This incident will now be known
as "Debbie Does Jacket."

And now he calls me jacket "Debbie."

I can't wear it
to family functions anymore

because he's, like,
"Ah, you're wearing Debbie, are ya?

Good on you, bro. Turn around so I can
see the bum print in the back of it."

This feels like a very polite show
at the Malthouse.

There has been no heckling yet.

Which is a shame.

I leave big gaps.

Get on with it!

It's your lucky day.

- What did you say?
- It's your lucky day.

It's my lucky day
that there are no hecklers?

You haven't seen what I do to them.

No, well, thank you very much
for your minor contribution.

I appreciate it.

I understand as a heckler
there's a lot of pressure.

There's cameras here,
and you're like, "Well...

"This has to be
fuckin' professional standard."

And you'd be right, 'cause all you came up
with is "It's your lucky day." So...

See, that's the thing,
as a heckler, you're an amateur,

so you're like, you're a bit too keen.
You're like...

'Cause I've known this all the time
in the world. You don't realize that,

so your heart is fuckin' racing
right now, whereas...

my heart is throbbing more slowly
than an old person on their deathbed.

- I've all the time...
- At least that would be funnier.

What's that?

You're one of the most gutless
hecklers in this room.

You know what you are?

You're a person driving your car
down the road,

you saw an accident, so you thought
you'd drive your car into the side of it,

and then claim that you had
something to do with it.

"I fuckin' started that."

You're close to a coward's punch
during a pub fight,

that's what you are.

I was dealing with this person,
I'll get to you in a sec.

Turns out it was funnier, doesn't it?

No, I don't mind heckles,
it doesn't really worry me.

Even when there cameras are here,
it's fine.

I mean, well, that's not true.
Someone did heckle me,

and I lost my rag.

It was in Nelson Bay, New South Wales.
And it sounds like nothing, right?

Sounds as benign as,
"It's your lucky night."

Or "Get on with it."

Or at least, "It was funny though."

It sounds like less than that.

But someone just yelled out,
from the back of there,

and they just yelled out,
"You're not a redhead!"

And I was like, "What?"

"I said, 'You're not a redhead.'"

Now, I know my hair's
falling out and it's faded.

I know. But I said to this guy,

"You can't take that fucking misery
away from me!"

That's part of who I am.
I haven't just taken on the affectations

for the lifestyle benefits,
'cause there are none.

It's not a fashion show.

It's like I've got an arm
that looks like a giraffe's neck.

I didn't go into a...

I didn't go into a beauty salon
and say, 'Can I get a spray tan, please?

'And can you use the gun
with the dirty nozzle? Thank you.

'Thanks. Do the other arm, too.

'Lovely.'"

So I said to this guy,
"You can't take that misery away from me.

Like, I can't make up
remembering in 1982,

back before sunblock was waterproof.

You probably don't remember it.

Maybe you don't... I remember it!

You used to put on sunblock,
you'd go for a swim,

the sunblock would wash off, right?

You'd get out, then you'd be
sunburned to the shitter.

So for the rest of the holidays,
you'd have to put on a Greg Chappell hat,

you'd have your collar turned up,
and your sleeves rolled down,

on your long-sleeved checkered shirt,

and everyone was more than happy
to tell you you look like a fuckwit.

People with their full tan,
'Oh, look at you, you little fuckwit.'

That's... It's a fucking
genetic disorder!

Why don't you go and walk around
someone in a wheelchair

while you're at it, you fuckhead?"
Anyway...

So I said to this guy,
"In case you haven't noticed,

I've lost my fuckin' temper!

Where do you think that came from?"

So, yeah, this is my lucky night.

I'm 45. I don't know if you know,
but I am. I'm 45.

And I don't... Whatever age I am,
I'm happy with it. I like it.

Some people are frightened
of their birthdays, you know what I mean?

Like, people say,
"Oh, my birthday's coming up."

You're like, "Oh, how old are you?"
They're like, "Oh, don't ask."

Whatever age I've been,
I've always thought,

anyone younger than me,
I'm like, "What would you know?"

Anyone older than me,
I'm like, "Don't tell me what to do."

And I'm getting more specific,
the older I get. All right?

I'm 45, if you're 44,
"What would you know?"

Forty-six? "Don't tell me what to do."

People in their 30s
look like teenagers to me now.

I don't know when that happened.

Like, I was in my 30s just then.

And now, I'm just, all of a sudden,
they... Like, I'll see someone,

like, at a tram stop, with ripped jeans
and fiddling around on their phone...

And I'll be like, "Own a house.
What are you doing?"

Just go and buy one. They're for sale.

You're allowed to buy them
whenever you want.

You could buy one today if you wanted."

They're there with their
stainless steel reusable water bottle,

"Gotta rehydrate."

Look like babies.

"I've gotta rehydrate."

"I've gotta rehydrate."

I work at the ABC now. They're everywhere.

Everyone's got a stainless steel
reusable water bottle.

"I've gotta rehydrate."

We didn't use to have them, did we?

We just used to put
a cup under a tap, and it worked.

You know how I know?
We survived! We made it!

There wasn't a mass extinction
of Australians through dehydration.

Like we went coring our way around the CBD
in the '90s like Burke and Wills, going,

"Water!

Water!

Water!

Gotta rehydrate."

I know why it's happened.
We need the reusable water bottles

'cause we had too many
plastic water bottles,

and it's bad for the environment.

And we had the plastic water bottles

because we were getting used
to the convenience

of having cold water
whenever you wanted it.

So then we had to get
reusable water bottles.

Otherwise known as fuckin' bottles.

They're all reusable.

When was the last time
you had a bottle in this hand,

the lid in this hand, you're like,

"These two things can never be
reunited ever again.

It's a plastic bottle.

If we put it in landfill,
it'll be there for a thousand years."

That sounds like a very durable,
reusable water bottle!

You know what a water bottle is.

It's a cup with a neck and a lid.
That's all it is.

You should take that water bottle,
cut off the neck,

don't bevel the edges.

Next time you have a drink
you'll fuckin' glass yourself.

And you deserve it
'cause of your stupid fuckin' bottle.

It's like KeepCups. "Gotta get a KeepCup.

I've gotta get a KeepCup."

All cups are fuckin' KeepCups!
All of them!

When was the last time
you had a cup of tea and you went,

"Oh, that's that."

You have a glass of water.

"Oh, yeah, fuck it!"

All cups are KeepCups.

You know how much we like keeping them?

We keep them in the cupboard.

It was named after the fuckin' cup!

It's a cupboard.
It's a boarding house for cups.

We love keeping our cups so much,
we provided accommodation

for our cups inside our accommodation.

You haven't invented a KeepCup.

You've invented a lid,
that's all you've done.

You know what a KeepCup is?
It's just a cup with your hand on top.

This is a KeepCup.

"Gotta get myself a KeepCup."

I still drink straight out of the tap.

I don't care.

"You beauty."

If I'm walking down the street
and I get thirsty,

I will jump into your front yard

and I will drink straight from your tap.

"Thank you."

Should do it at a bar here.

Jump the bar, rip into a craft beer...

"I'm just trying to save the environment."

To be fair, there would be a guy
there with a beard going,

"Yeah, fair enough, man, cool.

Sounds reasonable to me."

I found out I've got high blood pressure.

Yeah, I do. And I was not
pleased with myself.

I didn't fit with my impression
of myself.

I thought I was relaxed.

Doctor said,
"You got high blood pressure."

And she said,

"You're gonna have to cut down
on your drinking,

and you're gonna have
to start to exercise more."

I was, like, "All right. Or else, what?"

She said, "Well, then we'll have
to put you on medication."

I said, "All right.
Let's just jump to that.

I could spend three months
pretending to improve,

but then I'll be right back here
talking to you.

There's a pharmacy next door,
isn't there?

Write me five repeats. I never wanna
see your fucking face ever again.

Let's do this. I've got some work to do
in those other areas."

She actually said to me,

"You gotta try new ways to relax.

You've gotta find new ways to relax.
You should try meditation."

I was like, "All right,
well, how do I do that?"

She said, "Oh, there's an app for that."

I got prescribed an app.

I said, "Is there any there
that you recommend?"

She said, "Oh, just go to the app store
and type in 'meditation.'"

I was like, "All right.
Did you learn that at uni?"

So I went home,

and I got my app,
and I typed in "meditation,"

and I found one that I liked,

and I subscribed. So to do that,
you gotta enter your email address

and you gotta think
of a, you know, password.

You gotta enter your credit card details
because it's a three-month free trial,

then, after that,
it lapses into a subscription.

You have to opt out, not opt in.

So I put in my credit card,
I can remember that,

and then I put in the expiry,
I can remember...

Oh, the CVC number. Fuck.

Anyway, gotta find my wallet.
I find my wallet,

get the CVC number, type that in.
And then while I'm doing that,

I realize I haven't
updated my apps for a while.

There's that red circle of shame
with a nine in the middle of it.

I'm like, "Oh."

So long as I'm here,
I might as well update my apps.

Then I bump the home button,
they all start to fuckin' wobble.

It's like they're mocking me
for not knowing how to use my phone.

Then I realized I haven't updated
the software on the entire phone,

so I think, "Well, I should do that."

But you can only do that if your phone
is plugged into the wall and on the wi-fi,

but when I plug my phone into the wall,
I can't reach the wi-fi,

and I'm like, "Fuckin'...
How come I can't fix this?"

I get my phone, I'm like, "Fuck it!"

My heart's going brrr.

I can't get to sleep for five hours.

Get my heart pills and water bottle.

"Oh, this meditation is stressful.

Better stop doing it before it kills me."

So, yeah.

I'm 45.

I feel like I come from another time.

You know what I mean?

I look like I come from another time,
don't you reckon?

I look like a black-and-white photo
that has been colored in.

Don't you reckon you can imagine me

just leaning on a shovel
during the Gold Rush?

Just looking disappointed
'cause I couldn't find any gold.

I am from another time.
I grew up in the country in the '80s,

which is like growing up in the '50s.

So I have memories I shouldn't have.
You know what I mean?

Like at my... I'm 45, and I've memories
that don't belong in my lifetime.

Like, growing up,
my phone number, it was 26.

That was it.

It was really hard to think
of a false phone number, you know.

You're like, "Oh, yeah, our number is 67."

They'd be like,
"No, it isn't. That's Ed's."

I had a friend
whose phone number was 1.

How much fun could you have
with a phone number 1?

You're like, you moved into a new place,
everyone's like, "What's your new number?"

You're like,
"I haven't written it down yet.

"I haven't learned it. No, here it is.

Sorry, I've got it,
Here, you ready? You got a pen?

Are you ready?

1.

Did you get it? I can read it again.

I'll read it slower.

1."

This is how I used to ring home
from the city.

I used to ring 0176, reverse charges,

and then I'd say to the operator,
"I need you to dial 0674432,

and then you have to ask for 26,
all right?"

And even then,
they'd be like, "Ask for 26?"

I'd be like, "Trust me, it's...

It's the end of the line

and it's still got a manual
telephone exchange.

Just trust me.
You'll have to ask for 26."

And they're like, "OK, all right."

"Hello."

Tambar Springs Telephone Exchange."

"Uh, hi there. I have a Tom Gleeson here,

and he wants to be connected
through to, I believe, uh, 26."

"Oh, yeah, Jim.

Yeah, that will be right. Uh, all right."

"Um, yeah, it's a Tom Gleeson
wanting to talk to a Jim Gleeson.

And, uh, I believe
he will accept the charges."

"All right.

Uh, just a sec.

Uh, all right.

OK, uh...

What was I doing?

All right, here we go. Um, all right.

Uh, OK, here we go.

All right, keep your hair on.

OK, all right. Here we go."

Then I'd hear the weird static noise.
It'd be like...

"Hello?"

"Oh, g'day, Jim.

Got one of your boys on the line.

Oh, yeah, I think it's Tom.

And he wants to know,
will you accept the charges?

So I need to ask you, Jim...

Will you accept the charges

from a Tom Gleeson?"

"Uh, yeah, all right. Put him through."

"All right.

Putting you through."

OK, putting you through."

And then I'd be like, "Hi, Dad."

"Oh, g'day, mate."

"I'll see you on Sunday."

"All right." And hang up.

I am from another time.

I... I have memories
I shouldn't have at my age, like...

My grandfather was born in 1895.

It's not right, is it?
I shouldn't be 45 and...

One of my grandparents
was born in the 1800s.

Like, I didn't know him.
Like, he died when I was one.

And I was named after him,
and I always liked that.

He was a politician.
His name was Thomas Patrick Gleeson.

And l liked being named after him
and I put meaning into it.

You know what I mean?
I thought, "Oh, he's a politician.

Maybe that's why I'm good
at public speaking.

You know, he's a politician, maybe that's
why I'm good at being full of shit."

Anyway, I looked him up
and the most famous thing

that happened to him in his career

was he got booted out
of the Labor Party, right?

He got booted out of the Labor Party
'cause the Labor Party in New South Wales

wanted to abolish the Upper House
and he was in the Upper House,

so he disagreed.

Because when it came
to preserving his privileges,

he was very passionate about that cause.

So him and seven others,
they crossed the floor,

and they were known
as the Labor Independents,

and they held the balance of power
for 25 years.

So he learned that the biggest thing
that he could ever achieve in politics

was gained by self-interest.

And I thought, "Oh, wow!

I work in show business.

I'm into self-interest as well."

Anyway, I had all of this sort of
swimming around in my head

when I went to do a show in Nelson Bay,
in New South Wales.

And backstage, there was a letter
waiting for me.

And on the letter, all it said was...
It just said, "private."

I opened it up and it said, "Dear Tom,

I'm really looking forward
to seeing your show tonight.

But I'm even more excited

about meeting a first cousin
that I've never met."

And I was like...

"This person's full of shit."

I've met all my cousins.
You know what I mean?

There's heaps of them, but I've met them.

You know, there's Ed 67...

Damien 54, Kate 23.
There are heaps, but I know all of them.

So I'm like, "This person's full of shit."

Anyway, I kept reading the letter.

And it said, "I am also a grandchild
of Thomas Patrick Gleeson,

albeit from the wrong side
of the blanket."

And I was like, "This is the most
exciting thing that's happened to me

since I was looking for two dollars
in my kid's shit!"

But I kept reading, and it said,

"My mother never met her father,

or any of her brothers and sisters,

because she was 'trained'
not to make contact.

Anyway, I hope I enjoy the show.
Hopefully I can meet you afterwards

I didn't want to embarrass you, I just
wanted to meet you and make contact.

Yours sincerely, Debra."

So I rang me younger brother...

And I'm like, "Bro,

you know, Debra?

Well, it turns out she's our cousin."

Because I did a bit of research
into my grandfather,

and it turns out,
before he was a politician,

he was a mailman.

Turns out he's putting his package
in more than one fucking box!

He was the Barnaby Joyce
of the olden days.

I'd been named after a mad rooter!

And I said, "To be honest,
I'm a little bit disappointed, you know,

"because it's really taken the shine
off being named after him.

Because no one should have
to keep their life a secret.

No one should have to be ashamed
of their very existence."

My brother goes, "Yeah.

I still think she rooted on your jacket.

You can't take that away from me, bro."

Now he calls me jacket "Cousin Debbie."

"Ah, you're wearing Cousin Debbie,
are you, bro?

Good to keep it in the family."

I wanna show you something.

I took this from the ABC.
It was on a noticeboard.

Near the...
Near the lifts.

And it's a sign.
Maybe you've got things like this

in your workplace, I don't know.

I just feel like I need to air this,

so I can get over it.

It says,

"You're in a body positive zone."

"You're in a body positive zone."

Now, I've been at the ABC for a while.

There aren't many bodies there
to feel positive about, just quietly.

And I include myself in that.

"You are in a body positive zone.
Please refrain from the following.

No diet or weight talk."

That's pretty hard, isn't it?

In your workplace. Like, how can you
live under that regime?

You know, you're like,
"I'm feeling a bit bloated."

"Get out."

"Oh, I might've put on a few kilos
over Christmas."

"Get the fuck out of here, buddy.

Pack your bags, hand in your lanyard,
and fuck off, mate.

We're trying to be positive here,
get fucked."

"No body policing."

In brackets, "criticizing appearances."

Ah-ah.

I don't know what body policing is.

That makes me feel like
there are actual police, you know.

"Here we go, we're pulling people over
for random fugly check. Get over here.

Come here. You're fuckin' ugly.
Get off the road.

You're ruining everyone's day

with your fucked up face.
Get the fuck off the road."

There'll be undercover...
Undercover body police.

"Oh, you're fuckin' ugly." Anyhow...

"No body policing."
In brackets, "criticizing appearances."

This is in a TV studio.

You're not allowed to criticize
appearances. It's a visual medium.

Like it's... How would you go
if you're a makeup artist?

You know, you're like, "Oh, yeah, well,
it's what's inside that counts.

If I could put foundation on your liver,
I would, but, you know, here we are.

By the way, makeup, the "up" is not
a value judgement by the way, it's just...

I'd like to call it
the make down department.

No, no, sorry,
the make sideways department

'cause we are all beautiful.
We're all equally beautiful.

No one's ugly, no one's beautiful,
we're all the same."

"No food shaming."

In brackets, "judging food options
or eating habits."

At the ABC,

you could cause more stress

walking in with a fucking donut,

than walking in with a live hand grenade.

Know what I mean? If you walked in
with a live hand grenade,

everyone would be like,
"Thank God, it's just a live hand grenade.

Someone will explode but at least
they'll have good self-esteem,

and we know what to say."

Someone walks in with a donut...

Everyone just runs to the exits.

"What do we say? We don't know.

You've made a very healthy food choice.

And everybody agrees with you.
Oh, I said 'body'! Shit."

"No health or concern trolling."

In brackets,
"Keep your health advice to yourself."

I hadn't heard of that. "Concern
trolling." Have you heard of that?

I hadn't heard of that.
I had to look it up.

I think in the olden days
we used to call it "empathy."

But now...
This is what I don't like about the sign.

I think this is the crux
of the whole thing.

It presumes people
are passive-aggressive all the time.

Do you know what I mean?
Like if someone says...

Like, if someone's worried...
If someone asks about, "Oh, how are you?"

They're havin' a dig at you.
"Oh, you look well.

If you know what I mean."
Like it's... Like...

Like, R U OK? Day would be
a nightmare at ABC.

"Are you OK?" "I'm not fat."

"I wasn't saying that."

I just genuinely want to know,
"Are you OK?"

"I'm gonna kill myself!"
"This has been very counterproductive."

"Keep your health advice to yourself"?

"Oh, you got a bit of a sniffle, do you?
Oh, you should have some orange juice.

Get some Vitamin C into you."

Pack your bags, hand in your pass,
get the fuck out of the building, mate.

You and your virus avoiding ways."

Uh, the last one is my favorite.

Um, "no gender policing."

In brackets, "reinforcing gender norms."

No.

This is serious, OK?

"Not allowed to reinforce gender norms."

Norm's a man's name, by the way.

That's a side issue.

"Not allowed to reinforce gender norms."

"I'm just gonna go and do a piss
out of my cock. Sorry, urethra!

Almost presumed a cock
was a man's. Sorry.

I'm gonna do a piss out of my hole.
Can we agree on a hole?

We're all good with hole.

Everyone's got a hole.
Everyone got a hole, we can relax.

I'm gonna do a piss out of my hole, OK?

I don't want anyone
commenting on my holes,

weight, appearance or health, OK?

Don't troll my hole, OK?
Don't concern troll my hole.

This is a no-hole-trolling
workplace, OK?

Remember we learned the song?

♪ Don't troll my hole
don't troll my... ♪♪

We've got a big sign, mate.

It says 'no hole trolling.'

We took out the O's
'cause we were worried

that people would think
we were mocking their holes,

so it actually just says 'n hle trllng.'

But I think it's very clear
what it means.

N hle trllng."

Anyway, Marie Kondo said
if something doesn't bring you joy,

you should get rid of it, so I have.

I don't know how we're gonna survive.

I don't know if you've been
to my shows before,

but I always invite the audience
to tell me what they didn't believe.

Um, so this show tonight is 78% true.

There's a heavy load of lies.

Heavy load.

So if there's anything you didn't believe,

just yell it out
and I'll correct the record.

- Debra.
- Debbie.

Slow down. Debra.
What about Debra didn't you believe?

Debra's not a first cousin.

Debra's not my first cousin.
Yeah, that was a lie. Yeah.

Yeah, sorry, the heart of the show
is a lie, sorry about that.

Well, I'm doing a special for Amazon,
I just wanted it to all wrap up,

and I wanted it, "Oh, well,
it all worked out in the end."

But it didn't.

They're two true stories.
They're just not linked in any way.

They're just two different people,
but I just linked them together

'cause I just thought... 'Cause, you know,

Debra took my jacket,
it's a fucking mystery.

And you're, "Oh, well, that makes sense.
Maybe she just wanted to make contact.

Oh, it all wrapped up."

That's not how real life works.

It's full of loose ends
and now you've got my problem.

You also have no idea
why Debra took my fuckin' jacket!

Every day I walk down the street
and I go, "What the fuck was that about?"

I still don't know.

But both stories are true,
they just don't link.

The only common character is me.

Well, the story about the jacket,
I changed it slightly,

just ever so slightly, like, a bit, but...

It's true, but, like, remember when I rang
my brother and remember he said,

"I think she's a fan and she'd laid out
the leather jacket on the floor

and she'd fucked on it"?
He didn't say that, I said that.

I'm a comedian,
I come up with funny shit, so...

He just runs a café
in regional New South Wales,

so I thought he needed
more character development,

so I gave him a good line.

But I'm a comedian,
I come up with shit like that.

I just thought it'd be weird
if I rang him up and I'm like,

"And then I said this,
and then I said that,"

and my brother's just like,
" Good one, bro." So...

Actually, he said that "I reckon that
the man put on the leather jacket,

pretended to be you and rooted her."

That was his line, fair and square.

But then I said,
"Yeah, Debbie Does Jacket."

'Cause I'm a comedian,
and I come up with fucking jokes.

But I thought it was beneath my standards,
so I shipped it off to my brother.

It's a dated reference, it's a pun.
I thought, "No, he can..."

It's the kind of joke you'd forgive
a regional barista, you know what I mean?

In Orange, New South Wales.
"I'll have a latte. Thanks anyway."

"Debbie Does Jacket." "Yeah, go
fuck yourself." "Thanks, mate." But...

Shipped out the line to me younger bro.

Is there anything else you didn't believe?

The gold coin.

What, the... What... Gold coin.
What didn't you believe about it?

I just don't know
about your son...

You don't know about my son.
What are you saying about my fuckin' son?

I do believe in your son, yes I do

but I'm just trying to work out

whether he actually swallowed
the two dollar coin.

You don't believe... You don't know
if he actually swallowed it.

No, he didn't. And that was the point
of the whole story.

That was the twist at the end.

He had never swallowed it.
It's what makes it funny.

I'm really happy we had this chat,

'cause you would've been
walking around in the foyer, lost,

"That's a really weird long story about
his son swallowing a two dollar coin,

and then getting it out the other end.
So what?"

The twist was it was never in there!

But you know what? I did change
the story slightly, though, to be fair.

Like, at the beginning,
I remember he said,

"I swallowed two dollar coin,"

and I just believed him straightaway.
I didn't believe him straightaway.

I was already a bit sussed,
but I wanted to throw you off

where the story was going, 'cause I didn't
want people to guess where it was going.

Turns out, even when I told you
where it was going,

you didn't notice, but...

I was trying to cater
to the smarter end of the spectrum.

But...

My son, I just...

He's got the clear blue eyes
of a serial killer, you know what I mean?

So I'm like, "Have you swallowed
a two dollar coin?"

He's like, "Yes."

I'm like, "You sure?" "Yes."

"Are you lying?" "Yeah... No."

And he... To be fair, I think
what actually happened

was I hadn't paid attention to him in
probably two weeks or something like that.

If I'm honest. I was just busy
doing other stuff, right?

And, uh... And he just
out of nowhere goes,

"Dad, I swallowed a two dollar coin."
And I was like, "What?"

And he was like, "Oh.

This resembles love."

And he knew if he had two dollars in him,
we're best buddies, but...

But if he didn't, we weren't,

so he thought,
"I just gotta keep it in here."

I kept the colander, too,
for those that are curious.

It's all right. I kept it,
kept the colander.

And, uh, I just put it in the dishwasher.

It's fine. What are you worried about?
Like, it's like...

You know, in a hospital, you know,
after they operate on someone,

they take the instruments
and then they put it in an autoclave.

And that's just high-pressure steam
in a box.

And, um, so that's what a dishwasher is.

And also, you forget.

I've kept it for when I'm cooking dinner
for people I don't like.

Anything else you didn't believe.

Going on holiday.

What was that?

You weren't really going on holiday.

The... In the whole show,

the part that you struggled to understand
was that I went overseas on a holiday.

You just can't comprehend that.

Is that really it? Why is that so...

Look, go to the airport, there are
hundreds of thousands of Australians

leaving every day.
I was one of those ones.

You felt that I made that up? "Oh, my God,

fuckin' hell, I've got
to think of a premise here.

What is something that would
never happen to a wealthy white man?

I went overseas." I mean...

Anything else
you didn't believe from a more...

That the best honey prawns
are from Dubbo.

Oh, no, have you been to Dubbo
and had the honey prawns?

You've no idea, they're delicious.
They're very, very, very solid.

Anyway...

Oh, you know what, actually, I said
me kids misbehaved at the restaurant.

That was a lie.

I was just... I just thought it was funny,

so you could relate to the show.

You're like, "Oh, wow,
his kids misbehave like our kids."

But I'm very wealthy.
We eat out all the time.

They're very well-behaved.

They both got passports, mate.

So I've let my children down.

They're very well-behaved
at the restaurant.

What else didn't you believe?

The ABC poster.

The ABC poster. No, that happened.

I'm really... Yeah, that... Yeah.

But it's not there now
because it's in my back pocket.

It's a bit far-fetched.

It's a bit far-fetched?

I know, that's why I brought it in
and wanted to discuss it.

What would you... Would you prefer
I just brought in a fire drill?

Did you? I'll be like,

"Look at this sign.

It says when there's a fire,
you have to leave the building."

And you'd be like, "I love this routine
'cause I know exactly what's happening.

Beginning, middle and an end
with no tangents!"

The Queensland police.

- What's that?
- The Queensland police.

Oh, the Queensland police.
That absolutely happened.

If anything, it was worse.

Um, he didn't end up fining me.

At the very end...
It took 15 minutes, OK?

Fifteen minutes of him doing this
and then he got to the very...

And the entire audience had left.

They'd all left. There was no one left.

It was just him and me.
And he gets to the end,

and he goes, "All right.

I'm gonna let you off with a warning."

Not as a joke, like, for real.

"I'm gonna let you off with a warning."

Then he said, "You know what
really upset me, Tom, about this?"

I'm like, "No." He goes,

"That you weren't contrite.

You didn't show any contrition."

And I thought,
"Fuckin' hell, you can't spell 'Tom'

and that comes out of your vocab."

That really threw me.

Like, I can never play Scrabble
with this guy.

Just out of nowhere... "Contrition."

You'd be like, "Fuckin' hell."

Everything else, hat, cat, mat,
then "contrition." Fuckin' hell.

I said, "Well, of course,
I didn't show any contrition.

It's 'cause I don't give a shit.
I'm a man. I'm 45."

I said, "I'm gonna jaywalk again,
I'll be honest with you.

I'm gonna do it again tonight.
See just up there?

I'm gonna do it there.

You should follow me.
I'm gonna do it again.

Have you got payWave?
I'll pay in advance.

Let's do it. Follow me."

All right, I should finish up the show,
so I do wanna take a brief moment

to say thank you so much
for coming and seeing

the final performance of this show.

I do really appreciate it.
Thank you very much.

Um, like I said, the two stories
at the heart of the show,

they're both true,
but they're not related in any way.

Um, there was Debra, who took my jacket.

Where it is,

I've still got it, but it's a mystery
as to why she did it.

But then the other story
is about my cousin,

and I did meet her backstage,
and it was lovely.

And we had a nice chat.

And now she's caught up
with all the family.

Now they're all getting together
without me even being there.

And it was an absolute pleasure
to meet her. Her name's Joy.

I named the show after her.

- Ah, that's a lie. Her name's Helen.

Thanks so much. That's it.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Oh, oh. Thank you.

That's lovely. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

All right, this, um...

This is my favorite story,
and it's 100% true.

OK? So...

It's 100% true, OK?
This happened to me a long time ago.

Two of my friends scared my other friends
that were camping, and it went too far.

And it was just too much, OK?

Like, it was bad.

We'd finished high school.
And this is how it started.

I was with my two mates,
Chris and Marshall,

we're just having a few beers
and we're like,

"Our friends are camping.

"It's not too far away.

"It's only, like, 45 minutes' drive.

"We got the car.

We could drive out there.

Imagine that.

No, no, no, no, I'm serious.

I'm saying, imagine...
Imagine if we drove out there tonight.

Like, just drive out there.
'Cause think about it.

They've been out there
for like a week, camping.

You know, just out
in the middle of nowhere.

And then imagine
if we just walked out of the trees.

Like, 'Hey!

We're here!

How are you?

Would you like a cold beer?

Would you like a... No, you wouldn't
like a cold beer, would you?

'Cause you're camping.

You're using your survival skills.

To have a cold beer from a fridge

wouldn't quite be
in the spirit of it, would it?

Would you like some pizza?
We even have pizza.'

'Oh, no, no, you enjoy your burned damper

and your fuckin' coffee out of a tube.'"

'Cause think about it.

They've been out there for ages.

Like, they're not even
thinking about us tonight.

They're just out
in the middle of nowhere.

They would have no idea
that we're coming.

They would have no idea
that we're coming.

We could dress up.

We could dress up in clothes
that they have never seen before.

We could put on some of that weird shit
in the bottom of your dad's wardrobe.

That'd be cool."

Now at this point I thought,
"You know what? I'm not going."

I'm not gonna go, 'cause this is
the kind of night where someone dies.

And it's gonna be me, I can feel it,
so I am not gonna go.

And I knew I had made
the right decision straightaway,

'cause my two friends,
when they're getting dressed up,

they were getting too into it.

You know what I mean?
They're getting too into it.

Like my friend Chris,
like, he put on, like,

full body overalls, right?

King Gee overalls, full body.

He was paranoid that you can
recognize someone by their hands,

so he put on gardening gloves.

On his head, he put on a balaclava.

And on top of that,
he put a tweed flatcap.

Like, already you could base
five horror films on that guy.

Now, that's a franchise, right there,
just fuckin' good to go.

And then my other mate, Marshall,

he was wearing, like, denim jeans
and a denim jacket.

On his hands he had
pink washing up gloves.

Balaclava. On top of the balaclava,
he had a hunting cap

with the flaps folded down.

Now, it was summer, so that's commitment.

Now, my mate Chris,

he had an ax!

And my mate Marshall,
he had a mining pick!

But it was a little one
for taking geological samples with.

Which, I don't know why,
I always found that more menacing.

You know what I mean?

If you saw someone just coming at you
with a giant pick,

you'd be, like, you'd be just,
you'd like...

But if someone comes running at you
with a tiny fucking specimen...

You'd just, what are they gonna do?

Just chisel away at your patella
for a bit?

So they go out there.
I don't go out there.

They go out there,
and I know what happened

because hours and hours
and hours and hours later,

Chris comes back to tell me all about it.

He comes into my loungeroom,

I was just watching Rage,
passing the time, right?

He just comes in, he's like...

"It went well.

All right? I can tell you that much.
It went well.

Oh, mate, we found 'em straightaway, too.

We found... 'Cause they camp
where we always camp, you know?

Near that big box tree, near the creek?

They were there.
We found them straightaway.

But we didn't just run straight in there.

Oh, no, we're not stupid.
If we had run straight in there...

We spent over an hour stalking them
in the undergrowth.

We would just pace our way around,

and then every now and then, we'd just
pick up a stick and then snap it.

We'd really settle in, too,
'cause we knew that

we could see them,
but they couldn't see us.

Then we'd get a little reaction.

And then we'd spend a whole half an hour
just pacing our way,

around the other side of the campsite,

so that they'll think
that they were surrounded,

by more than two people.

We'd just settle in,

pick up another stick,

and then snap it.

Now, I knew it was going well
'cause they started to use

that voice that you use when
you're trying to let other people know

that you're not scared.

They're like, 'Oh,

can you hear that noise?

Those sticks snapping?

Yeah, we're not scared.

If you can hear us,
which we don't think you can,

'cause we don't think anyone's there.

We know that things

sound larger than they are
in the dead of night.

It's probably just a possum
or something, so we are not scared.

If you can hear us,
which we do not think you can,

because we don't think you exist.

You're probably just a possum.'

So my mate Chris, he said,

"I got my ax, and I started
to scrape it on a tree."

'Cause he said it made
a kind of a metal-on-wood noise.

Zing!

Zing!

Zing!

It made a metal-on-wood noise.

The kind of noise
that could only be made by a human.

That doesn't sound like a fuckin' possum.

Zing!

Zing!

And he said it went well.

"Can you hear that noise?

Of metal on wood?

We're not scared.

Could be anything.

It's probably just a kangaroo
with a machete,

or a koala with a teaspoon.
I don't know what it is!

But we are not scared.

So if you're out there,
which we do not think you are,

we wanna let you know
that we've got a shotgun.

Oh, yeah.

We've got a shotgun in my mother's Volvo.

And if you come in here...

We all know karate.

We know karate.

And if you come in here
and fuck with us...

We're gonna take you down...

Oh, God.

Who are you?

What do you want from us?"

So my mate Chris said,

"It was going so well, I didn't
wanna leave this thing half-done.

It was turning into my masterwork,

and I wanted to put
a little cherry on top

just to finish it off."

So he said. "You have to remember,
out there, it was pin drop silence.

So quiet." He said it was so quiet,
you could hear a gum leaf break.

He said it was so quiet,
you could hear a green gum leaf break.

And he said,
"Out of that silence, I did this."

He said...

He said, "I did a blood-curdling scream."

He said it like that to me,
like he was really proud of himself.

"I did a blood-curdling scream, Tom."

I said, "I know,
you're telling me this story

in my lounge room with the lights on,
and I just shat meself.

What were you doing out there?"

He said, "It went well."

He said, "I knew it was
going well straightaway

'cause the tent that they were staying in
just started to change shape."

"So," he said, "we ran in there.
We charged them."

He said they were so scared, they all went
to jump into the Volvo to drive off,

one of my mates,
they just left him behind.

They wrote him off!

They're like, "He will not make it.

We'll just tell his mother
he went missing.

He just wandered off into the bush

like Miranda in fucking
Picnic at Hanging Rock.

He's gone.
We will never speak of him again."

They all went to jump into the car,
Chris said he went to grab

one of them by the ankle,
went to pull him out.

He was so scared,
he couldn't talk anymore.

He was moving his mouth,
but nothing was coming out.

He was just going...

Chris said he went all loose in his hands
like he was just waiting to die.

He just lost the will to live.
He was just like...

He said he was like a cow in an abattoir.
He was just like,

"Oh, fuck it. Just kill me."

He started to poke him with his finger
and he just let him do it.

"Uh, oh, fuck it."

So they take off their balaclavas.

"Surprise!

Look, it's us!

Your friends.

That was pretty funny, wasn't it?

Why aren't you laughing?
What's going on? Why are you all...

Why are you in the fetal position?
Come on.

It was just a joke."

So Chris said they stayed there
for a while and they...

He said he... That they laughed/counseled
them about it.

And me and my mates,
it's our favorite story.

It's one of those stories that always
comes out, too, you know what I mean?

Whenever we're together,
it's always late at night,

the story gets told again.

"Oh, you forgot the bit about..."

"Oh, what about... You forgot..."

"Oh, you didn't say that, he said that.
And then he said that, and you said that."

"No, no, no, I said that."

And it always devolves

and it always ends the same way.

With that guy going,

"But then you left me behind.

"I'm not gonna come to these parties
again if you keep telling this story.

You left me behind.
I don't like this story.

Fuck you guys.

And stop calling me Miranda."

Thanks so much for coming along.
I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.