Tolo Tolo (2020) - full transcript

Pierfrancesco "Checco" Zalone, a failed entrepreneur, seeks a new life as a waiter on a holiday village in Africa, but the appearance of ISIS forces him to travel again.

We're looking for him,
but we've so little information.

The other finger.

- Can I get an Espresso?
- Not now.

Surname and name.

Zalone pierfrancesco,

but write checco, that's how I'm known.

- By whom?
- The state of Italy.

I need the name recorded
at the registry office...

"Pier" has always been problematical.

Strike it off, please.

It's your responsibility.

- Born?
- To dream.

And I wanted to dream there,
in the land of my roots.

Sure, I could have migrated,
like many from my town.

But I loved the harsh, apulian murgia.

And I wanted to stay
to help the young people,

who, with such pitiful ambitions,
had stopped dreaming.

Competition for 1 police officer

and those who never looked beyond
dismal butcher shop curtains.

Those who, for far too long,

had been nourished by ugliness.

But beauty will save us,
I'll never stop dreaming of it.

Great checco!

Too kind.

To "su-ce"!

It's "su-she".

I also thank uncle Nicola,

aunt Mina, nunzia, donato,
and the whole decelio family.

Stand up.

Today, they're also my partners.

10-15% of the merit for this concept
is theirs.

They believed in me.

= 10-15%? What's our share? 75%.

Dream, all of you.

Well done!

- How are things?
- Fine.

Well done, a brilliant idea.

I'm gramegna Luigi, from minervino.

If you need a steward to seat people...

- I'm looking for work.
- We'll see what can be done.

Excuse me.


Pierino, it's not a merry-go-round.

You stop, take some Sushi...

And eat.


You finally decided to come.

- Come here, I forgive you.
- Stop.

See what I brought to the town?

See what I brought you.

What is it?

The application for basic income benefits
expires tomorrow.

- She applied too.
- You really get the money!

I'm different,
I can't be assisted by the people.

You created me to assist the people.

Look, cushioned sofas, tables
from furukawa, seating in corian.

Seven Japanese-style lumens,
one minomushi lamp.

Sixteen silver Cambridge-model trays...

Ma'am, could you please let me confiscate?

- Sorry, can I keep these?
- Satin-finished silver chopsticks...

You sell Sushi in spinazzola,

the capital of hand-cut sausage!

You're a jerk.

Counselor, my father asks what
"jointly liable debtors" means.

That they confiscate everything,
apartments, cars,

farm land, places of business...

We get it! Turn up the oxygen.

Bank accounts, safe deposit boxes...

Stop, we get it! Go to the Max.

Where is he? Where is the wretch?

Where is he?

They're confiscating everything,
apartments, shops, cars.

- Provencal mahogany wardrobes...
- Briar wood.

Where is he?

He's disappeared! He's disappeared!

He left a note:

"I'm off...

"To other shores,
where it's possible for me

to keep dreaming.


Sorry, I have to get used to this.


Checco, how was your first week in Africa?

- Great!
- Don't you miss Italy?

Italy? Where's that?

C'mon! Italy's my passion,
I dream of going there.

Go, go!

I arranged a mega party for the opening.

- And who shows up? The h...
- Health inspector.

To see the bathrooms for the disabled.

- He questioned...
- Basin height lower than 31.5 inches.

- Yeah, but how do you know?
- See, Omar?

- No.
- You don't know what it means.

The IRS spent two months on my books,

didn't fine a fucking thing,
so, what did they contest?

- Taxes on office supplies.
- Yes.

How do you know that?

I meant art, poets, cinema.

I want to be a director.

To get authorization, total delirium.

City hall, chamber of commerce,
the authorities.

Then they sent a city councilor,
I slipped him 1,000 Euros,

all over in three days.

Excuse me, but it's embarrassing
to talk like that in front of him.


Here in Africa, you can buy off a minister
for 1,000 Euros,

not a city councilor.

See? They're presumptuous.

I don't believe it.

No, corruption here is extremely honest.

Easy bureaucracy, black-friendly IRS.

Here, you can dream.

Then, let's tell inga.

Here's the suite and here's the jacuzzi
you like so much.

She gave 5 million Euros to that idiot.

- What's that to her?
- Okay, but a chalet in val gardena!

In val gardena? Where's that?

Trentino alto adige.

Fabulous landscapes.

If I'm not wrong,
they made a film there...

Ma'am, dream with me.

Try overturning your convictions,
it will be fantastic.

Twenty guesthouses, each with a spa,
personal chef and 6-star service,

all tax-free and we do it here in Africa.

Or do you prefer the val gardena
with its pyrenees?

- Dolomites.
- Take that away, I'm talking.

I've made a small business plan.

- I already know the councilor's words.
- What?

Nothing, there is no city councilor!
It's paradise here.

You should invest here.

She's getting angry.

What a nice bracelet!

It is made locally?

No, Daniela makes them in spinazzola.

I'll give it to you, it's a great honor.

Thank you, it's too masculine for me,
give it to edi.

The boy in the white shirt.

See what your grandmother gave you.

You married a wonderful person.

Yeah, sure...

Her name was idjaba.

She rekindled in me the desire to love.

Sometimes I felt she rejected me.

Or maybe she was just shy, but I wasn't.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, he has to go...

I'd never give up with her.

Idjaba! You snorkel too?

Fuck off!

You know my language?

I'm almost out,
just enough for two more days.

Don't laugh!

I don't know what I'll do without this.

"Vanity is a parrot which hops
from branch to branch". Flaubert.

Let's go look for your "al-neurotic” acid.

Hyaluronic! Such ignorance!

I want to be a director, not a beautician.

But it's the basics of civil society.

Checco, I don't think
you'll find your cream here.

Of course not,
this is like being in the third world.

No offense.

Why stop? Let's go to the center, c'mon.

Checco, this is the center.

And this is Mustafa, the best stocked.

Hello, I need something
for hyper cutaneous pigmentation.

Hyaluronic acid, even collagen, okay?

No Botox, I'm trying to avoid it.

This is the gold,
maybe you have the silver.


You should taste the platinum!

A gas tank exploded?

Omar, what's going on?

Dear god, someone who can speak english!

No, I don't speak it, just asking.

- We have to go back to the village.
- Who are these guys?

Our compatriots
might be among the victims.

Moving on to culture:
The mushroom festival...

- Want two burrata?
- No.

Give me two mozzarellas.

Lella, another two bills have come.

- It's not my problem, nicla.
- I'm sorry to say...

You didn't teach your son
a minimum of legality.

It's him?

It's him?

Have you called your family?
You must tell them you're alive.

I texted my mother,

but, even in good faith,
she might give my number to people...

There, she did.


answer, our pride traps us, the poet says.

- Hello?
- Piece of shit!

Nicla, I'm in a bit of a spot...

I've just come from the lawyer,
I'll put a lien on your salary,

reimbursement for existential injury

for when you called me "dumb™
in front of my cousin,

fraud for dmv penalty points.

- No, you were driving.
- Slander.

For non-payment of tax obligations,

Which is better, arbitration or court?

Isis is better.
I'm coming with you, I want to enroll!

It's not Isis.

They have more humanity than that woman.

I'm sorry, lella, time for change is here.

Lella, social security is here,
8,000 Euros.


The poet, my ass!

You don't know real war.


an f1040 just arrived!

Not an f16, my income tax.

Pretending not to understand?
Mine is the true tragedy.


He wants money too!


It's your fault my number's gone viral
back home.


come on, he'll give us a lift.

- To Italy?
- No!

What a scare, you idiot!

I abandoned all hope in this village.

Me, my battery charger.


Let's go.

- Where?
- To my village, we'll be safe.

- Are we at the village?
- No.

Step on it, c'mon!


Wake up, we're at the village.

Is it with jacada travel or club med?

The travel designer.

Maybe I didn't specify.

It's a family?

I'm with the miniclub?

My house, my sister.

My pleasure, checco.

I have no coins.

- What do they want?
- They're happy, it's been two years.

- No, from me.
- They're curious.

The youngest ones
have never seen a white person.

That's why you're laughing!

Look, white as can be.

Disgusting! Makes you sick?

Kids, this is the European average.

You have other parameters. You too!

You should see my cousin, you'd go nuts.

Translate, they call my cousin tiny.

I make them laugh.

Sorry, I just can't.

Omar, they won't be offended?

Don't worry, we know your culture.

Oh, okay!

Good edible things,
all standard packaging!

My brother moussa sends them from Italy,
he made it.

- Checco.
- What's he doing?

- Do you know Italian neorealism?
- Forget it.

You don't, certainly.

Stories of humble people,

in an Italy exhausted by war, poverty...

Think about Africa! Come and eat.

Ma'am, the boy's not well,
too much culture and too little money.

It's a boy!

- Come on.
- What's going on?

After eleven girls,
the village chief has a male grandson.

- There's male chauvinism here?
- What?

It moves me to see these things.

When it's a boy, it moves me.

What did he say?

The village chief says that "muzungu”,
the white man, brought good luck.

Me? No!

- What's he doing?
- Thanking you.

Didn't you do an ultrasound?

Excuse me... let me talk.

In that remote African village,
after years of being cursed,

I finally found someone who blessed me.

No, let him continue, I like it.

Do you want a boy?

That night I dreamed.

Ma'am, see what I did for your people?

It's beautiful.

Omar finally has a respectable job.

- Did you get hurt?
- It's nothing.

You won't file a grievance
against your boss, will you?

What's a grievance?

But you take maternity leave.

Maternity leave
when the baby is already out.

I dreamed of a world
guided by common sense,

where the able and the disabled
were truly equals, sharing one bathroom,

and where no one would ever complain.

Don't you feel your rights
are being violated?

No, I crapped on the floor
until yesterday.


- I had a beautiful dream.
- We have to leave.

Make "muzungu” some coffee.


Sugar, one and a half.

- What's happening?
- The militia are coming here too.

- What a drag, these guys!
- I won't kowtow to anyone.

- I decided, I'll take the great journey.
- What are you taking?

He says "muzungu” brought bad luck.

Is he ga-ga? Yesterday
I brought good luck, today, bad?

- Let's go!
- Wait! Consistency's important!

- Let's go, quiet!
- Where?

Let's go.

Bye. Happy militia.

Now back to the Saint Jacques episode.

Unfortunately there is no news
on the fate of our two countrymen,

accounted missing.

Specifically, soap opera actor,
edi emiliani

and entrepreneur pierfrancesco zalone.


Everyone, please!

Compensation for victims of terrorism,

based on law 206 of 2004, is paid only
upon certified extinguishment.

Here we have a missing-person.




Heart of my heart!

Don't call me that,
I still haven't forgiven you.

I'm talking to my mother.

Call foreign affairs
or the President of the Republic

and have them send a government plane.

I'm in Africa, here's my position.
Migrant, give me our position?

I'll take that. Checco!

- Who is it?
- Isa!

I ask a favor
on behalf of the whole family.

- Hurry.
- You have to get extinguished.

- Idiot, pass me mom.
- You're a missing person here.


Yes, but if you're extinguished,
all your debts are too.

As well as all our problems.

- Omar...
- Are they coming for you?

I'll take the great journey!


I'm extinguishing everything:
IRS, ira, it in...

= lcir!
= icir... which one's that?

No, ma'am, I paid that!

You're crazy, it's a very tough journey.

We'll have to face the desert, the sea...
And then, where will you go?

I'll migrate to lichtenstein.


I have a cousin there
and it has banking secrecy.

- But you're flat broke!
- Right, but no one will know.

Omar, I'm starting
to dream again, seriously.


What happened?

We've been here for two hours.

And they're all singing, no one protests.

It's not like this in civilized places,
you get your money back.

Don't worry, help has come, eat.

Tell your mother to ask before
she makes a sandwich for a westerner!

It was a nice gesture, wasn't it?

Corned beef and tinned peaches
is offensive.


That's enough!

Could we have something more modern?

You make me yearn for the pizzica.

They're by Ralph Lauren, miss!

That was when
it happened for the first time,

I felt something strange,

like a voice
taking gradual possession of me.

What's the problem?

The problem is one of race.

What do you need?

What's needed is a clear, firm,
awareness of race

establishing well-defined superiorities.

What do you want from Louis Vuitton?

- What do you want?
- A pen, got one?

I'll annihilate you!


You're taking the great journey too?

- What?
- Fuck off.

So, he's your son!

She spoke to me again!

You can make your court orders

you can stop us at the borders

no disembarking, you can say

go drown, it's best that way

it's just we've got no work

we're poor and have a shabby look

you can say what you want, but

if, migrating to your heart

is a colored girl and smart

giving you butterflies, well, then...

I'll make her a citizen

Italians first, you say

this law is no wussy

but for Italians, first

comes pussy!

Basically, pussy will save Africa

pussy of Africa

pussy of Africa

pussy of Africa...

Careful, he's dreaming, he's dreaming.

Omar, I'm starving.

What is it? Pineapple and sardines.

Yeah, I'll take it.

Don't stress her, it will get you nowhere.

I just want to apologize to the boy
for being such a jerk.

Hello, idjaba.

I know what you want to say, but I have
to apologize to the boy, I was impolite.

Here's the pen.

A notebook and a baby moisturizer.

- I'm leaving.
- It means "thank you".

Not "fuck off"? You've made progress.

What's your name?

- Doudou.
- Like berlusconi's dog!

He returned it to the kennel,
or I'd never have said that.

- We're going swimming, want to come?
- He can't swim.

No? I'll teach you.

Come on, doudou, give me your paw... hand!

I'll teach you, I'm licensed.

Archimedes principle:
Those float who are not cynical.

Now move your legs like
when you're on a mountain bike.

- He doesn't understand.
- On a tricycle. He understands.

You are going solo now!

Solo, solo, good!

Tolo tolo!

- Tolo tolo!
- Good for you!

You know ldjaba, I was thinking

I don't miss my old identity at all,
my past.

But I'd have liked a little boy like him.

You draw great!

Who are you? Charles blackman?

I've had two wives,

it wasn't the lord's plan for either...

- They couldn't have children?
- Not black, no.

They're more elegant!

In fact, Angelina Jolie, Madonna got lots.

With their money, know how many
I'd have ordered from Africa?

How do we say it? Not adopted...

Amazon offers good deals.

- Blackman paintings too.
- Cut it out!

- Could I have some water please?
- Don't drink it.

- It hasn't been boiled.
- Quiet!

It's cool! I feel happy.

Good for you.

Being happy takes only a few things.

What are they?

An imodium, a kaopectate!

A pepto-bismal.

- Calm down.
- Have him stop.

He's already stopped ten times.

Ginger has no effect!

A western product of synthesis
with side effects,

have you got one?

Agadez! Down there, checco!

It's where they made "the sheltering sky".

- Would they shelter a tea under that sky?
- Bertolucci!

Any kind, but with lemon.


- Hide.
- Why?

Excuse me?

Could I use the toilet?

Who's he?

Who is he!

Everybody off!

Everybody off, c'mon!

I'd like to see you in my shoes.

What are you, a journalist?

A government spy? A trafficker?

Damn, how was it?

Am I white?

No, let go of me!

- Leave me the cosmetics at least!
- Scram!

I had no choice.

Put water purifiers in
so I won't get the runs.


Idjaba, you're crying?

No, they took all our money thanks to you!

It's my fault?

Omar, say something.


I know what your problem is,

it's the color of my skin.


Reuters is reporting the news

we all feared would come.

A body has been found,

one of the two Italians at Saint Jacques
who've been missing for a few weeks.

It's the body of entrepreneur
pierfrancesco zalone.

I'm the competition winner,
gramegna Luigi, ma'am.

You? Another confiscation?

I wish it were, ma'am!

In the morning,
the sad ritual of recognition

by his relatives.

It's him, it's him!

The body is completely carbonized.

- This is the only personal item found.
- It's from spinazzola.

- Should we test the DNA?
- No, no need!

It's a waste of taxpayers' money.

- You're Italian, right?
- Yes, how can you tell?

Your look, shirt, pants, bag.

Look here.

- Great label.
- At last, a migrant with taste.

How can I grab a bite here?

Refugees... economic migrants.

How do I figure it?

- There, if your country haunts you.
- It does, that's me.
[ - free movies & tv shows online ]

There, if you're a poor migrant
with no money.
[ - free movies & tv shows online ]

- I am, that's me.
- Perfect.
[ - free movies & tv shows online ]

- And where do 1 go?
- To hell.

- You too.
- You're a rich Italian, mocking me.

Huh? =you're an ngo head.

You're a dickhead, you don't know me.
I'm hungry!

Sweetie! What's up?

You're a genius!

My little angel! You took it?

Where's mom?

He took my wallet.

Why did you give it back?

Don't yell at him,
he gave it back, he's honest.

All 470 Euros are here.

Omar, let's stay friends!

I'll pay for everyone's journey to Europe.

For them, not for you!

Good, huh, doudou? You eat a lot!

How much is it?


What's the trafficker want
for the journey? Keep the change.

- Three thousand dollars.
- Bring back the change!

- Three thousand? For everyone?
- Each.

If we can find someone willing to go,
there are many checks.

Discounts for under 12?

They're scum, in other words.

= your shirt's nice. Thank you.

- Armani.
- Bye, giorgio.

= Vuitton. - Louis!

- Prada.
- Miuccia!

- Dolce & Gabbana.
- Stefano, domenico!

Saints cosmas, Damian, bye to you all.

- All originals?
- Yes, good quality.

Now we have to find work.

- The sale wasn't enough?
- 21 dollars and 50 cents.

- Are you an idiot?
- It was a miracle.

A 1,600-euro value, bought at an outlet?

If you're migrating like that, say so,
I won't migrate with you.

I can clean,
take care of the changing rooms,

I can make tea.

Waiter, dishwasher, kitchen helper.

I'm Italian, but...

Okay, I accept.

They're all fakes, take them.

Get lost, I don't want those.

I told you it wouldn't work.

Never counterfeit...

Unless you're Chinese.

Every people has its prerogative,
africans sell,

not produce.

Production means workers,
the tax wedge, charges.

Even craftsmen are crushed by taxes.

- Is there a flat tax in Africa?
- No.

So, who was that girl?

Is that how the woman I loved
made a living?

- Checco, move!
- Coming.

No, it can't be true!

Or maybe it was.

Idjaba, tell me the truth,
you've been a whor...

What is it? A pros...

Or have you stolen, robbed?
For me it would be more... understand?

= you'll remain in doubt. Okay.

I'll remain in doubt.

But on one thing I had no doubt.

I was one of them by now.

- Want a sandwich?
- We'll eat after sunset!

It's ramadan, it's indelicate.

- We respect the majority.
- The majority?

Omar, tell these churlish individuals
that in the land of fascism...

How's he talking?

There's a single watchword...

Categorical and binding for all.


tomatoes in apulia!

This is your destiny,
at competitive prices

and suitable for your level, clear?


- Calm down.
- I feel sick.

- Sit down.
- I'm hearing voices! Sorry.

- Pass some water.
- I'm a doctor.

A doctor?
I don't know what's wrong with me.

An epilepsy attack?

A heart attack?

- An attack of fascism.
- I've got fascism?

You say it like that?
Sorry, my uncle gave it to me.

We all have fascism inside,

with sun and stress, it comes out.

- Like a candida albicans?
- A bizarre comparison, but nice.

- Do you know how to fight it?
- With monistat?

With love.

Cannelloni with basbaas.

Excellent choice.

How's this rosé from Zimbabwe?

For a rosé, I'd suggest Burkina Faso.

Or should we go for white, darling?

White will wait.

This italia that is breathing

always beautiful, know why?

Who's that, checco?

They're people with affection

people like me

then emotion overcomes me

for Florence which is there

for venice ever moving

and eternal Rome is here!


a land that cannot be outshone



this song I sing for you, and you alone!


Stay down!

Checco, stay down.

Guys, here come the troops!

They've come for us,
I had an “in-troop-ition...

Checco, no!

What are you doing?



Sergeant, this guy's coming toward us!

What do I do, shoot?

Buscicchio, we're here
on a logistic assignment,

not to gun people down.

- So, what do ldo?
- Toss a grenade.


Italia, my ass!

And we gotta pay taxes.

Wait, I need a breath.


What the fuck are you doing?

Wait for me!

Omar, I paid!

Don't abandon me, doudou!


When you feel the end is near,

your whole life passes before you.

It's the moment you take stock.

Whether more victories or defeats,
I didn't know,

but one thing was sure,

I'd always acted on my principles,

except that one time.

It was November 2011.

They're the mistakes you make
when you're young and thoughtless.

Please deposit all metal objects...

But the bank clerk knew me,
and that cursed door opened.

I have to make my vat deposit.

Why not in may?
There's just a slight penalty.

Why did I make that deposit? Why?

Cut it out!

Later, closing my vat account,
they made no compensation.

Promise you'll never deposit
in a vat account.

Pay the fine.

Guys? Let's be careful,
he might have bad intentions.

- Do you speak French?
- Yes.

I've just met a group of migrants
in the desert.

All they have is blankets for survival.

I'll talk to them to find out where
they're from and where they're going.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Where are you from?
- The Saint Jacques region.

And you?

Férédougou is in futa toro, isn't it?

Yes, I know the place, and you?


Where is it, in Mauritania, Libya, Syria?

Ask if he'll give us a lift.

- You speak Italian?
- Yes.

- Where did you learn?
- In spinazzola.

Spinazzola for middle school,
high school in gravina.

We speak Italian in Italy...
Now I'll tell you about my life.

Can you give us a lift?

When I saw you, I wondered:
"Is he a rapist?"

But who do you rape in the desert, camels?

So much mistrust in the world!

Get your stuff! Let's go, it's late.

Does the cruise control
activate via the touch panel?

I don't know, my sponsor gave it to me
for my travel diaries.

- Why, what do you do?
- Checco, it's Alexandre lemaitre!


Mr. lemaitre, I'm thrilled to meet you.

I'm a big fan.

- What do you do?
- Me?

I turn my gaze to the world

to bear witness to suffering,

except the greatest wealth: Humanity.

I mean, what work do you do?
That's playing.

Idjaba is a beautiful name.

It's the name of a river
that flows from Kinshasa.

In Congolese it means "vital energy".

He's related to Pierre cardin.

I don't believe it,
you're the testimonial for...


= platinum! - Al-neurotic.

Al-neurotic, yes! You're super rich!

But I've seen so much poverty.

The poorest I've seen are so poor

that all they have is money.

Go take a crap!

Look who's here!

- Would you mind filming?
- Me?

- Sure.
- Thank you!

We're nearing a caravan
teeming with humanity.

They've left everything
for such little hope.

But nothing can stop them, not the police,

nor armies or frontiers.

Yes, they've lost everything...

Yes, they've left everything,
but they still have what's most precious,

their dignity.

Get a move on!

How beautiful Tripoli is

as bombs and missiles whizz...

Welcome back modernity!
Welcome to civilization, little one.

Here you'll never again
have to pick these personally.

Someone will do it for you.


Alexandro, have you got
a pore astringent, please?

What I'd like to ask is...
Why did you flee your country?

Of course, I'll turn it off.

Idjaba, listen to me.

I believe
we're all running from something.


I often feel I'm imprisoned in a character

created by people who don't know me.

Alexandro, do you have a pore astringent?

Alexandre asked to be alone with idjaba.

- You can't go there.
- Why not?

He's paying for our journey, the hotel...
Let's indulge him.

Watch the movie with me.

- What are they doing?
- A pasolini masterpiece.

"Mamma roma".

What are they talking about?
Why are they there? Why...


She was my best friend.

And I made a promise to her.


I've met many people in my travels

and I think you're an amazing person.

It's degenerating.

A beautiful scene.

Now the son suffers for his mother.

Actually, he doesn't give a shit.

Look at your mom!

Thank you, haftar.

Come in.

- Checco?
- What is it?

I need help.

Did he molest you?

- He promised you a film.
- No!

I'll testify at the trial,
we'll get lots of money off him.

Alexandre is a wonderful person,

but can I sleep in bed with you?


- And with doudou.
- With doudou!

Don't drop crumbs.

I can't make love with Alexandre,
I'm afraid I'll fall in love.

- Oh, my!
- I can't allow myself that.

- I feel relaxed with you.
- Thank you.

- Could you go out? I have to change.
- That too! My suite is your suite.

Checco, I need help.

You, too? Nothing doing.

She's afraid she'll fall in love
or she has her period, work it out.

Idjaba has an incredible story
and I must tell it.

What do you want from me?

Persuade her.

I had a 2008 chateauneuf-du-pape
sent up for you.

I'll have a 2006 zidane-materazzi
sent up for you.

Twenty Euros? For me?

Idjaba, darling, have you finished?

As you slept, I contacted Ahmed,
he'll take us to a prison camp.


Alexandre wants to document
the torture of migrants.

Alexandre, not me.

I'm going back, it's extremely dangerous,
who'd do such an idiotic thing?

My Canadian colleague.

Twelve million views!

Him, three. Makes him look like crap, huh?

Omar, take the camera.

Film this.

Are you filming?

We've been stopped by a Libyan patrol
a few kilometers from Tripoli.

Hello, I'm a journalist,
Alexandre lemaitre.

Relax, take it easy.


Easy! Idjaba!

Don't attack the women, okay?

- Omar sold us.
- He sold us?

Sorry checco, sorry idjaba.

It's my only way to leave, I can't fail.

You betrayed us, you bastard!

You're the bastard,
you and your fucking vanity.

"Coquette tu, fili mi"!

Quoque! It's a postponed conjunction.

Fuck off!

Calm down!

Let's stay calm.

Me, too...

What's he saying?

We have to call our national authorities
for the ransom money.

Italy's gonna give me money?

I owe Italy 468,000 Euros.

Between the IRS, it in...
But they'll never get it.

Now, I have to ask them for money,
it's not correct.

Prefix for Italy is +397


Niki, checco from spinazzola,
your second cousin.

- Spinazzola?
- I have to ask a favoritism.

Permit me to interrupt.

Already when performing public functions
in the chair of the governor,

the Italian vice of favoritism
was completely alien to me...

No, nothing like that!
It's a particular situation.

Occupied militarily
by this boorish populist narration

which represents a true lesion

to the propensity for solidarity with the
people and which, instead, mystifies,

blunting consciences,

and represents, in a certain sense,

a mortifying tyranny...

Try in Libyan.


High command, general ducros.

Prefecture of barletta,
gramegna Luigi, prefect.

I can't believe it!

- I'm gramegna in person.
- No, I can't believe you're the prefect.

It's zalone from spinazzola,
remember "murgia and Sushi"?

A joke in bad taste.

- Where have you been?
- Making coffee.

- You must inform me.
- I'm sorry, excellency.

- Let it never happen again.
- Forgive me.

Here are the agents from my country.

My compliments, you're a great country.

Long live France!

Not Italy with basic income benefits,
but they don't pay ransom.

Doudou, see that money?

They're in deficit,
but the French don't care, they pay.

Long live the baguette!

Their escargots are wonderful!

Anyway, we stole that world cup from you.

We stole it.

Translation? What's wrong?

Checco, I'm sorry.

Give back the Mona Lisa, thieves!

At least leave me the platinum.

Give it to me, you can't appreciate it.

You lack the cultural basics.

Give it to me!

- What did he ask?
- Which of them I want to make love with.

No, you bastards, I won't allow it.

Hear that? What did you say?

I can do it with them together.

What the shit!

Idjaba, so, my doubts...

I don't get it, do we take numbers?

Can I participate?

Can I participate, too?

No, doudou!

Why the shhh? Go see your mother!

If it were my mother, I'd tell her off!

Listen, you're grown by now,

it's right you should know.

Your mother...
I say this with great sadness.

Your mother

is a slut...

What's going on?

Guys, we did a great job.

Well done. Now what?

- Here.
- The French!


Awesome, you found it. I love you.

I love you so much.

- Idjaba, I don't understand.
- I know.


- It's his father's name.
- Your husband?

Doudou is not my son.

I have to return to my country,

I entrust him to you, checco.

Italian, my friend!

A perfect look for Italy, isn't it?

Can you give me work?

Italia, can I do TV in your country?

Italia gives free Wi-Fi?

Gives good food when I get there?

Checco, no fascism.

Democracy, I'll quote Kennedy.

Guys, I want to say just one thing.

Don't ask what my country
can do for you...


That's all, don't ask,
it can't do a fucking thing for you.

It can't do a thing for me,
let alone you, guys.

They don't want me!

- Not true!
- They're bad people.

Not true, Italians have big hearts.

He was an amazing guy,
exceptional, honest.

With so many ideas.

Isn't a 200,000-euro reimbursement enough?

No sum can ever reimburse

the grief of such a united family.

But double can.

- Besides, Italians first.
- What's that got to do with anything?

What's the connection? Why the applause?

The waters have stilled.

What's the matter? Why did we stop?

- The engine's broken.
- Is there a mechanic?

- No!
- Are you a mechanic?

No mechanic...
Have you called the coast guard?

Radio's broken.

Is there a radio technician?

Not a radio technician among you!
Just my luck!

We could use a flare gun.

Wanna bet there's no terrorist?

C'mon, boko haram step up! An Isis, c'mon!

This night there's no moon to view

this night is darker than you

this night you bring rough seas with you

but my boy, you know that the sea

won't drown your dreams easily

don't give up

just think that


as I awaken

there's a bastard

a bit of a niggard

you look at the sky and think

beyond the clouds

a lucky star shines

and turds always stay afloat

tolo tolo!

They live, dance and sing

and can even swim the crawl

Are we in Spain? Malta?

Fine, thank you.

What a shame!

A controversy has risen
between various countries

on the need to disembark

these migrants, who are however,

in international waters,
in the middle of the mediterranean.

It's the usual problem
of who should open a port.

Still nothing? Give it here.

Sorry, it's a disgrace!

You're looking like shit
before the whole world.

You have to let us disembark!

People, not animals, are on board!

Like all of you.

Yes... what is it?

Okay, what port am I talking to?

The port of vibo valentia.


We'll decide
if we'll be disembarking there.

I'll try to convince them.

That idiot, the port of vibo valentia!

Guys, let's go back to Africa.

I'm not coming.

Capri, portofino,

pantelleria... a little dignity!

Doudou, we're going back to Libya.

Moments of panic on board
the ngo ship mar de amor,

by jumping off the ship in protest

for the intolerable violation of
human rights against those on board.

Should we stew it?

Catalan style. Go screw!

Alessandra, excuse me, back to the studio,

because I see on the monitor

that we are connected live
with the minister of foreign affairs,

who should give us the latest news
on the mar de amor.

I have just conferred
with my European counterparts.

The migrants on the mar de amor
will be disembarked in Italy.

But we'll split them with all of Europe.

They will be thus subdivided:

1,486 kilograms to...

432 kilograms...

That's the Eritreans... to...

He said lichtenstein?


Just a word to the boy.

You already know
in lichtenstein there's...

5% vat and banking secrecy!

I'm proud of you, little guy.
May your heart guide you.

Checco's group goes to...

Long live Italy

the liberated Italy

Italy of the waltz and Italy of coffee...

Leave, leave, leave!
[ - free movies & tv shows online ]

Let's remain humane!
[ - free movies & tv shows online ]

Leave, leave, leave!
[ - free movies & tv shows online ]

Can I get a short coffee?

The approval of the state advocacy
has come, it's done.

- So, the money's here.
- Yes, in 60 to 90 days.

Come in.

Mr. minister!

- Premier, just elected.
- May I offer something?

No, I have a g7 at 8 or g8 at 7,
I don't remember.

I've come in person to give you
both good news and bad.

Checco is alive.

Give us the good news!

The good news is dad's in trieste.

- Can we stop for coffee?
- Not now.

- You can get one at the festival.
- What festival?

The festival of contamination.

It's afro-pizzica contamination

like a coconut and mussels combination

it's afro-pizzica unruly

bringing Senegal together with friuli

Look who's there!

Checco, like it?

You're a hoodlum.

Don't get contaminated!

I earned a bit of xenophobia on the field.

Hello, I'm looking for someone
called lamin diop.

Do you know him?

I'd start from the title,
it seems to be a perfect metaphor

of the most intolerable pulsations
of our society.

"Candida albicans",
please explain it to us.

- I'm very proud...
- Thief, I gave you the title.

Could we ask him to move on?
I don't know what he wants.

The rights, I gave him the title.

- Ethiopian coffee?
- Coffee, finally!

- Where's the boy?
- I don't know.

- Later.
- You've contaminated my balls!

Don't touch!

But she's my mother.


We made it, huh?

Yes, best of luck for everything.

Thank you.

Bye, honey.

I'll wait in the car.

Will you be a good resource?

I want to thank you, here.

- My son said you need it.
- 1 can't accept.

- You're paying Italians' pensions.
- No, I don't pay taxes.

Then I'll accept, it's the least I can do.

Bye, little guy.

So, that's the end?

Of course not.

Because a dreamer

can only end on a note of beauty.

Idjaba, weren't you going
to fight for your country?

I preferred love.


- We'll print this.
- Another take?

A big hand for checco
who's finished the film!

An applause for Omar
who's ended his stay in Italy,

and all our African friends,
have a good return.

Ugh, the fun's over.

- Let go of me!
- It's a request from Europe.

- What Europe?
- Mine.

Gramegna Luigi, president of
the European commission, newly appointed.

A pleasure.

What's all this migrancy?

Go home, go home.

It's not my fault you were born in Africa.

It's mine? Or the children's'?

- It's not the children's fault.
- Explain why they were born in Africa.

- You explain it.
- No, you.

I'll explain it to them.

Hi, kids.

Have you ever wondered
why you were born as africans?

No? Look up there.

The stork!

The stork is that diligent bird

that normally brings, we've heard

all the children in the western world

look! In America

in Germany

in Switzerland

in lapland

among the streams in val di susa

and the losers go to siracusa


You wonder where you're from

what did I do? How come?

What fate or rotten scum
has grabbed you by the...


Children, if you look there

among all those storks

there is a stoke that's...

Cockeyed, a bit uncertified

that skips a stop
and heads to Africa in overdrive

there is no chimney stack not a mail slot

so the children are delivered
somewhat potshot

and then there's gossiping
don't pop your cork

that in Africa
she hankers for a black stork

this clever, cheeky stork
a real good-looker

she may be cockeyed
but she's also a hook...

She's so cantankerous, so disagreeable

this stork that takes us all to Africa

don't waste your time with her
she's not a novice

my little ones, I'm making you a promise

I have to go now and do a blitz

bringing back 100 kilos
of residency permits

Bye, I love you all!

The end