To See If I'm Smiling (2007) - full transcript

foodval.com - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
---
Sometimes I feel a little crazy.
I have these memories of things

that are unrelated to reality
and maybe never even happened

but I know they did happen,
as I feel them so intensely.

Here's the infirmary.

Snow in Hebron.

I chose to become a medic.
It sounded nice.

The idea of learning
a profession

that could serve me
later in life.

And also saving lives.

I was very idealistic
in that sense.

Just before the end
of the course.



one girl told us about
her service in the Territories.

how she goes with her helmet,
vest and weapon to every incident.

how she treats the wounded,
choppers, operations, real action,

"That's where it's happening,
that's where you're needed.

"that's where you have to go."
I liked that.

I said: If that's the best part of
the job. then that's what I want.

I remember going into
the commander's room

who was handing out
assignments.

I was the last one to go in
and I still didn't know

which assignments were left.

And he surprised me.
I got Hebron.

And I jumped for joy.

Really?
-Yes.

7! 6! 5!



4! 3! 2! 1!

I cried so much when
I first got there.

You don't know what you'll
encounter... Gunshots...

I can sense the danger
and the danger is real.

All you hear,
all the time

is "boom" or gunshots.

The first thing I remember
is my overlapping week.

We met the medical team
that serves there.

We said hello.
I introduced myself.

Next thing I remember
is hearing over the radio

in the ambulance beside us:
"Man down in Noga 9.

"man down in Noga 9."

Before I knew it.
I was told that

there was a wounded soldier
who needed to be evacuated.

The medic ran first
and I ran after him.

When I reached the door,
they yelled at me to duck.

I did what everyone else did.
which was crawling on the floor.

Then I noticed that there
were bullets flying...

in every direction.

When we left the building,
heading towards the ambulance.

we had to run and hope that
no bullets would hit us.

We drove back to
the infirmary at HQ.

The doctor came,
shook my hand and said:

"Congratulations,
that was your first incident.

"That's how you learn."

Then he ordered pizza
for all of us.

There are 5 minors
currently on the Bar artery.

They're definitely
up to something.

Vertex to Snow White.

They're heading towards
the far end of the Bar artery.

Roger. I'm going there on foot.
I'll get to them on foot.

It's loads of power.

There's an incident
that's about to happen

and it'll happen
the way you make it happen.

You hear soldiers
panting over the radio,

because you're making them run.

they're running
because you said so.

The commander radios in
and asks you what to do.

You tell him where to go. "No,
on second thought, turn around."

It's loads of power. Loads.

And... you try to do
what's right with it.

Vertex to Snow White.

Vertex, they're on your right,
running away towards the schools.

Roger. I'm on my way.

Vertex. they're heading, towards
Intersection 76.

Vertex to Snow White.

Vertex, did you identify them?

There were some stone throwers
and I got them.

So I had to go to HQ.
make a statement

and identify them
from a lineup.

And it's scary
and I stressed out.

All the way there. I started
doubting myself. I thought:

"Maybe they didn't throw stones.
I can't remember what happened..."

When I got there.
I saw them tied up.

blindfolded, real life size.
Real, living people.

Then I went in to write
my witness' statement.

with my lack of confidence.

So I asked the investigator:

"What if... Let's say...
it didn't happen?

"If they don't confess,
will you release them?"

He looked at me and said:

"They will confess."

So I said: "But what
if they didn't do it?"

He said: "They'll confess."

You think: "I have to be here,
I have to do this, but I can't.

"How will they confess?
In what way?"

But then you go back to base and
have to start your next shift.

You have to.
What, you won't do it?

That was the atmosphere:
taking the jeep.

doors open in the back,
driving fast,

skidding and spinning out.
I remember thinking:

"We're in the Wild West.
We can do whatever we feel like."

Part of doing what you
feel like was, for example.

to stop our jeep
next to a group of people.

call them over with our finger,
to approach...

This power, that you
just motion with your finger

and the person comes.
No hesitation.

There was one time when
we released a boy in the Strip.

In the evening.
That night.

the commander was patrolling
in the area in a jeep

and he saw the boy sitting in
a corner, at a soldiers' post

and he asked the soldiers:

"What's he doing here?
We let him go hours ago."

So they said: "We were
just playing with him."

He approached the boy who
was crying and hysterical

and...

He was in a very bad state.
All beaten up.

The commander returned
to the War Room and said:

"Call the commander who's
in charge of those soldiers.

"I want a report
about this event."

The report arrived
at the War Room

and it detailed how the soldiers,
who didn't lie about it.

specifically stated

how they beat him up.
put out cigarettes on him. etc.

I handed the report
to my commander

and he said:

"Call that commander,
tell him that with this report

"we'll have the
Investigation Unit all over us.

"Tell him to change the report."

I remember that 30-second walk

from his office back
to the War Room.

with the report in my hand.

I think it was the only time
in my service

that I thought about
contacting a journalist.

This is my chance.
I’m about to get another report.

I could show him both versions,
as proof.

I deliberated whether
I should photocopy it

before it gets "buried" away,
but I didn't do it.

I called the said commander,
and told him:

"You are required to...
write up a new report."

He said: "No problem."
And we got a new report.

I was thinking about it
all day long, the new report said:

"The boy is a pathological liar,
he also claimed...

"that the soldiers did
this and that to him...

"The boy is a pathological liar,
the soldiers

"treated him well, etc."
And that was the end of it.

I was struggling to remain humane,
at least a little.

In the reality that I was in.
it was completely wiped out.

Why didn't I do it?

Because...

it was just a fantasy.
There was no chance that...

I really don't know
why I didn't do it.

Lions, lions...

The volume is very high
in the Territories.

Everyone yells.
With one another and...

Like. "Hey. dude."
everybody talks like this.

and it's funny that
you, as a girl.

take on masculine traits.

You find yourself
talking like a man.

you hide
feminine characteristics.

For instance,
it was very cold in Hebron.

so I'd wear a winter jumpsuit.

which makes you look
like a teddy bear.

not like a boy or a girl.

you try to hide your
feminine characteristics.

Because everyone
knows you're a woman.

that won't change.

but to be "one of the guys",
to belong.

I'd only been
there for 4 days.

the first time I met
my soldiers.

I was really excited,
everyone asked me who I was.

a new girl,
very interesting.

Then I noticed that they
were holding prayer beads

and little Korans.
So I said: "Wow. that's nice."

"Where did you get those?"

So they said:
"We brought them from Qalqilya."

I was like. "What?
But that's looting. It's forbidden."

And they said:
"It's okay, it's okay."

A few days later.
I met with the regiment commander

and he asked me: "What's
your impression of us so far?"

I said: "The regiment
is wonderful.

"everyone's great, but I
noticed that a certain company

"took some beads and
Korans from Qalqilya

"and perhaps you should
look into that."

He says: "What? Are you sure?"
I say: "Yes."

So he phones the
company commander and says:

"The Education NCO is here
and she says that she saw

"this and that
in your company."

The commander says:
"She's a liar!"

I was so shocked.
Then he says:

"If it did happen.
it will be strictly dealt with."

Ok.

A few days later. I went
to visit that company

and its commander saw me.
He says:

"So you're the Education NCO
who squealed on us?"

And then
his soldiers started...

I can't even describe it...
They banned me.

They wouldn't let me into
their company for 4 months.

If they saw me walk by.
they'd spit on the ground.

I really regretted
having done that:

From now on. if they're just
little things. I'll keep quiet.

Your social status in the
regiment is very important.

You're supposed to be the
sweet girl that everyone likes.

who who keeps them company
and whose hair smells good.

It's a very cushy job.

All you have to do is wash
your hair every so often.

I loved the guys,
they were great.

I was a real queen there.

I was a blonde,
and in our unit...

Blondes get respect!

There was a sick
sense of humor.

We were nearby a mosque.

when suddenly we hear
from the mosque:

"I've Got the Power!"

It's that song...
I don't remember how...

A very funny old song.

Instead of "Allah is Great",
you hear: "I've Got the Power!"

They just went up
to the mosque.

changed the tapes,
and that was that.

It was great,
it was a joke that...

Whoever did it.
and I know who did.

they were awesome!
What a brilliant thing to do!

We really enjoyed
this adrenaline, the action.

If there was an incident
on your shift, you felt lucky.

It felt like...

you were watching a soccer game
that you can't see.

You wait for the
next big thing to happen.

We'd turn the volume of
all the radios to the maximum

and...

"Well? Well?"

Then there's a huge boom that
shakes the whole War Room.

mission accomplished,
the house is destroyed.

To get the best view point

we'd run to the canteen
and climb up on the...

picnic-style tables
that they had there.

to see beyond the wall
really clearly.

how Beit Hanun
was being attacked.

In one of the operations,
two terrorists dressed up as women.

Male soldiers
couldn't touch women.

They weren't checked
and discovered

and then they killed one soldier
and severely wounded another.

We were only 4 female officers.

they told us that from now on.

each and every operation,
big or small.

will include a female officer.

So that anyone
who looks like a woman

dressed in an
Arab woman's clothing.

a female officer will check her.

It was fun at first, getting
a lot of shooting training,

shooting cans of Coke
in sand dunes.

I'd put the cans in my office
and if someone annoyed me

I'll tell him
he'd end up like the can.

My first operation was
on my 20th birthday.

A call came through
on the radio:

"Palestinians are running amok
onto the streets."

obviously, because their
houses were being bombed.

It was the first time
I encountered a population

in a real distressed state
of fighting, of war.

Your house is being destroyed,
so you freak out

and go out with
everything you've got.

which is basically nothing,
and amok.

I'm in the jeep
and all I can hear

is the horrible sound of
the stones hitting the jeep.

All you can see are stones.
People are mobbing you...

We were wearing helmets
and the jeep was armored.

then I was given a club.
one of the commanders said:

"Go out there
and start hitting.

"You're one of us. take
a club and get on with it!"

That's what I remember,
a plot of land, rioting.

a baby screaming.
I wanted to go pick him up.

it was so instinctive,
to hug him. to calm him down.

Then his mother came out
and looked at me

with such hatred in her eyes,
and at that moment

I realized exactly
who I was and how she saw me.

I realized that
I was in deep trouble.

There was no way back.

I thought that I had
a solid outlook on life

but here, everything falls apart.

You get used to it.

You can't feel so much
all the time.

It's not the time
for soul-searching.

From the start. I never told anyone
what was happening there.

It seemed impossible.

Things seemed different there.

There were different rules,
different conduct.

different atmosphere.

Besides, everybody knew about
the major incidents, right?

That a baby girl was killed
by a Palestinian sniper.

everyone knows the facts
that are reported in the media.

there's nothing new to add.

For me, it took on
a different dimension.

There was a baby girl
who was wounded

and we couldn't treat her
very well.

And I felt that
she was on my hands

because I'm
the sector commander.

I'm overseeing
the incident

and I'm in charge
of the wounded.

It was the first incident
in which...

I had a fatal casualty.

And it wasn't just a fatal
casualty, it was a baby girl

whose picture I saw in
the paper the next day.

But it passed.
And everyone said:

"Congratulations, that was
your first fatal casualty."

And a few minutes later,
we had to deal with new thing

You reach a point where
they're all the same to you.

There are no exceptions.

At the time,
they were all the same to me.

It doesn't matter if someone
smiles at me or is nice to me.

I don't see that.

"Why are you coming in here?
You don't have an Israeli ID.

"what do you want?"

You're so bitter,
it's not bitterness of one day.

It's not depression,
it's something that...

It's trying to impose order.

When I heard that
Hanny Abramov had been shot.

I felt like a bullet
had just hit my heart.

I didn't know what
happened to her.

I just heard about it
and I was in a total shock.

I went out for my next shift,
and of course.

Hanny was in my thoughts.

Every Arab I saw.
saw Hanny in my mind.

I felt that every Arab
I stopped that day.

I was assigned at
a checkpoint that day.

I felt as if HE
had done that to her.

During that 12-hour shift.
I detained about 80 people.

Arabs.
I stood them in a line

and decided they will stay
the 12-14 hours of my shift.

in the hot sun.

I, like,
decided to punish them.

I made them stand there and
do push-ups and all sorts of...

I made them stand in threes, as if
they were my soldiers, recruits.

I also started
screaming at them and...

for no reason.
I started yelling:

"Why did you do that to Hanny?
She didn't deserve that!

"Do you know who Hanny is?
She's my friend!"

Of course, they had no idea
what I was talking about, but...

There wasn't
anyone else around.

just my soldiers and
they accepted it.

I mean, what I did wasn't
out of the ordinary.

My job was to inspect
the female population.

Any layers on.
coats and such

they had to take it all off,
down to their bra and panties.

so I could see.

"Lift up your clothes.
I need to feel them."

You push them against the wall
and spread their legs from behind.

Check them really well.

At times they had me check
more intimate places.

No, no penetration,
just with my hand.

Suddenly I heard a scream:
The border guard kicked

the hand of the woman
I was about to check.

very hard.
A knife flew up in the air.

He picked it up and said:
"Look, she wanted to kill you

"Go deal with her!"

The soldiers are, like.
"Come on. beat her up.

"teach her a lesson,
she wanted to kill you.

"she had a knife in her hand."
Etc. etc.

I couldn't stand her screaming.
Between them and her screaming.

it was too much.
So I just yelled:

"Stop screaming!"

I could've taken out on her
all my bitterness

for having to be there.
I could have!

But I only took out
a fifth of my bitterness.

After all, she wanted
to kill me. Slaughter me.

It's not that I caught
an innocent bystander.

She wanted to kill me.
I could've done...

"He who rises to kill you.
kill him first."

I didn't do it.
but I felt that rage.

It totally freaked me out.
and from that moment on.

I think it really messed me up.

55. what's your location?

Vertex to Snow White.
-Roger.

It was an ordinary
observing shift.

when suddenly I saw
some people standing.

It was clearly going to be
a fire-bomb incident.

Then my heart starts pounding.
I start to feel the adrenaline.

I started making calls,
alerting the forces.

I talked to about 30 people...

And then..

You wait.

During that time,
you're split in two.

On one hand, you're
saying: "Come on. do something

"Throw something, do something
You're waiting for it.

You've already alerted
all the forces in the world.

so if nothing happens...

everyone will laugh at you
or will be angry

or in future incidents
they may think twice

before responding to your call.
You have a status to maintain.

Then they light
a fire bomb.

And our snipers
opened fire.

Then suddenly this guy
radios in frantically and says:

"I've got an Oleander here."

Oleander means
a fatal casualty.

That's it.
Then I stopped feeling.

My friend came in, I told her
to sit down, and I left.

You can't do that,
it's an incident.

forces are involved.
I'm needed.

I didn't even explain
to her what had happened.

I just left.

An hour later
they reported on the news

that there was a fatal casualty.
I killed a man.

All you can think about
is that you killed a man.

Then they said
it was a boy.

The unbearable lightness
of death, that's what it was.

The death of people
I knew who were killed

and the death of the
Palestinians who were killed.

I remember this guy who
jumped up on the fence

and started yelling hysterically:
"Allah is Great. Allah is Great!"

In the early days, we'd shoot
to warn. Now, we shot to kill.

I remember the day they killed
that guy on the fence.

His body remained
hanging on the fence.

And I...
I remember I was...

It was so...
I didn't know what to do.

I was in the office
with my medics.

And my commanding officer
came and said: "There's a body.

"Who wants to come see it?"

There was a group of wanted men
and one of them was shot dead.

I jumped up and said:
"I want to see!"

I remember riding
in the ambulance.

I was sitting opposite Uriel
and he kept wanting to puke.

also wanted to.
but I couldn't tell him that.

otherwise we both would've puked.
The body stank so badly.

so we put a blanket over it
and wrapped ourselves too.

so as not to smell it.

From time to time,
our eyes fell on the body.

which was covered,
but it didn't help.

He kept saying
that he wanted to puke

and I kept telling him
to hang in there.

We took the body
to the infirmary

where we were told that..

before the body is returned
to the Palestinian Authority.

we have to clean it so there
won't be any blood stains on it.

so they won't see what we did
to him. The state he was in.

And that job was
assigned to me.

Because he'd suffered
a non-fatal head injury

and slowly bled to death.

he lost control over his
sphincters. That's what happens.

So...

He urinated and
shat on himself.

So we used a water hose
to clean him

and he's lying there
with his eyes open.

so I close his eyes because
Uriel tells me he's scared.

I close his eyes and
continue hosing him down

and scraping off the blood
from various parts.

And then his eyes opened again.
It happens, it's a reflex.

And it's a very scary moment.
It's as if he's coming back to life.

People look at me. like:
"You did what?!

"You cleaned a corpse?!"

And they're repelled by it.

But I can't let myself
be repelled by it.

Why?

Why?
Because it's on my hands.

I have to keep using my hands,
I can't be repelled by it.

I'm washing dishes
in the kitchen.

which is what I did
most of the time.

suddenly there's this commotion
and I hear the guys coming in

and I understand that they've
returned with something.

they're not empty-handed.

I dry my soapy hands and
go outside to see what's up.

I see they're back
with dead bodies.

of terrorists, on stretchers,
that were covered.

They say: "Yep. we've got
some terrorists' bodies here."

I'm like: "What"?
Cool What...?”

It really deterred me, this
unexpected presence of death.

Then they pulled out cameras and
took pictures with the bodies.

I thought: "It's wrong to take
pictures with dead bodies."

On the other hand,
it wasn't terrible enough

to make me call
a journalist and say:

"Oh dear, they're taking
pictures with dead bodies.

"we need to alert the world..."

I didn't think for a moment
that taking pictures

with dead bodies was normal.
It's not normal.

But the reality of the Territories
isn't normal either.

Everything that
happens there isn't normal.

but somehow... it works.

A minus and a minus
make a plus.

Abnormal and abnormal work.
It fits.

I'm in the shower
and my mother shouts:

"They say your Brigade Commander
is wounded."

I get out of the shower.

look at my military cell phone
and see 20 unanswered calls.

all from my commander,
so I call him.

I barely said a word
and he starts screaming:

"Come to Hadassah Hospital
in Jerusalem now!

"I don't care how!"

Total panic, hysteria...
And he hung up.

I understood that I had
to get there immediately.

I didn't know how or why.

or what do I, an Education
Officer, have got to do with it.

I got my dad and
we drove to Jerusalem.

I saw all the wounded cut open,
ready to be operated on.

I saw the blood, the injuries.

passing by me.
some people I knew too.

They were delegating roles:
"You do that, you go there...

"Dana, you'll report

"when the critically wounded
become fatal casualties!"

You're in the middle of it.

you get to the scene of the attack
a minute after the event.

With all the ambulances, the
police cars, you're there.

Evacuating the wounded,
anything that needs to be done.

And you see an arm.
just lying there on the road...

Then, an insane wave
of incidents began.

Every week or two.
there was an incident

with fatal casualties.
From this brigade, that unit...

All the time,
more and more dead.

I made up a "bereavement kit", so
I could function quickly. 1.2.3.

What was in the kit?

A list of newspaper cuttings
I had to collect.

an operations tactical board,
ready to use.

memorial candles, barbwire,
to make it more heartbreaking.

You carry on.
There's dinner

and tomorrow's tasks
and equipment to arrange

and things to finalize and...
you don't stop.

In this particular area,
we'd patrol

very late at night.
I was in an armored jeep.

when suddenly I spot someone.
An Arab.

He's looking at me.
He sees I am alone in the jeep.

He's trying to catch my gaze
and I stare right at him.

And he starts making
rude gestures at me.

I looked him straight in the eye.
and all I was concerned about

was memorizing
his looks and clothes.

I remember it to this day:
He wore red shorts.

a white T-shirt, and had
medium-length black hair.

I memorized
his exact description

and as soon as he saw my guys
returning, he fled.

Ran like crazy.

I told my soldiers to
dump their paper cups.

because I wanted to go fast.

I was ready at the whee

I drove so fast.
When we found him and caught him.

he realized who I was
and what was going on.

We took him into
one of the alleys and..

I started screaming at him.

I made him look me in the eyes
and confess.

He didn't respond,
he just lowered his gaze.

We undressed him
down to his underwear.

And we abused him.

The weekend comes along and
again I'm alone in the sector.

again we’re on high alert
and there's a shooting battle.

and again.
there's another dead body.

And what is by now normal
procedure, we take the body.

put it near the latrines,
and wash it.

Then..

something very funny happens:
he has an erection.

A dead body with an erection.

We laugh a little,
because it's embarrassing.

And...

It's open grounds,
so anyone can come take a peek.

Some female sergeants that I knew
arrive from the operations room.

One of them has a camera and...

without even thinking. I tell her:
"Come take my picture."

I sit down next to
the dead body and...

I have my picture taken.

"Dear Meytal what can we say
that you don't already know?

"You know that we love you.

"you know that
we will miss you very much.

"So we just want to wish you
good luck in civilian life."

Turn it around!

Cheers. Meytal

I'm not sure when it was.
but at some point

I became very ashamed
of that picture.

And...

I didn't tell anyone about it.

that it existed.
I forgot about it a little.

But I would like to see it.

To see if I look different.

I want to see
if I'm smiling.

Who wants to deal
with the evil inside him.

with his alienation
towards others?

Who wants to deal
with that?

Dealing with
these questions is painful.

After being released
from the army.

I couldn't sleep at night.

I couldn't share what I was
going through with anyone.

I didn't want to either.

I'd go out to a bar at night
and drink as much as I could.

I'd get back home in the
early hours of the morning

and fall into bed.

I'd wake up
after a few hours

and start looking
for my next drink.

It went on like that
for a very long time.

5. 4. 3...

I, Sergeant Rotem Livne.
hereby light this beacon...

"Dedicated
to the one and only"

"Welcome to the end
of your service!"

You will see. you will see

How good it'll be

Next year

"Oh. how good it'll be
(God willing!) next year"

In honor of the glorious
State of Israel.

I don't like to talk
about it with just anyone.

But I also don't..

It's what I am,
it's a part of me.

it's part of what
go through every day.

I don't tell.
I don't go into details.

I say: "I killed a boy."

I don't even say "the army".

Do you think about it?

It's hard to think about it.

I used to think about it a lot.

but now I just laugh about it.

As much as one can.

Now it's just a part of me.

I used to go home on leave

and call my friend in the army:

"Sivan, it won't come off!"

"What won't come off. Rotem?"

"I keep trying with soap!"

"What won't come off. Rotem?"

"The blood, off my hands!

"I have blood on my hands.
I don't know what to do!"

I don't know if she understood,
that I'm not joking.

The blood won't come off
and I keep trying.

Who's my sweetie pie?
Who's my sweetie pie?

Who is so sweet?
Who is so gorgeous?

Gorgeous!

Turn over, that's it.
Good for you.

Crawl, my darling, crawl.

Whenever my baby starts
yelling hysterically.

which isn't very often,
but when it happens.

and when it plays on that nerve,
what does that tell me?

It takes me back there.
So I'm there.

What happened there?
I felt bad?

I did something that's
against my principles?

It's a kind of black past

that I would be glad to
erase from my life? There!

And then it's
not just guilt.

it’s a mirror,
an unpleasant one.

and it brings out violence in me.

It brings out violence in me.
I become...

And you know.

I think that I'm
a pretty good mother.

Except for those moments,
when I'm like the devil.

Sivan?

Sivan?

Sivan?

I'm here.
-You're here.

Hello, madam.
-Hello.

How's it going?
-Good, how are you?

Snow in Hebron.

Shall I put them in
an envelope for you

How in the hell did I ever think
I'd be able to forget about it?