Titeuf, le film (2011) - full transcript

3 times 7 mammoths...

You could've whispered the answer.

I signalled it to you.

I thought that was a tiger
baring its claws!

My parents will clobber me.

Hiya, you minigerms.

Got anything for us?

The day my mum makes me
a bug bun...

I only have my briefs.

Sorry.

The skunks!



A pair of wolf-skin briefs
I got for my birthday!

I'll get yelled at for sure.

What?!

Mum, there was nothing I could do!

Two thugs
made me hand over my briefs.

Zizie! Not on the walls!

You're lucky Dad's out hunting.
I'll stitch something up.

Why does my dad only hunt
useless animals?

Great briefs, Titeuf!

What brand?

Hi, girls!

Classy!

Lizard?

Yeah, air-pump lizard!



They just came out.

Watch this.

- Classy!
- The tops!

Tricera-tops!

You sure don't get that
with hamstersaurus briefs!

Ignore him.

I heard reptile skin
makes your feet stink.

I've had it.

No female's ever gonna love me.

François!
Wanna play footskull?

I can't.
I have to walk Kiki.

Having a mammoth is cool!

I can't have one
'cos Grandpa already lives with us.

Cool? No way!

I have to walk him twice a day.

Hold this while I clean up.

Who's a cute little Kiki?

What a pretty birdie!

Look, Kiki!

Stop!

You big, fat idiot!

You don't mind sleeping
in the middle of my history class?

A hideous T-Rex!

Copy 50 times,

"I must
not call my teacher a T-Rex."

S'not gonna be a great evening.

Ok, she's ancient...

But a T-Rex... That's mean!

I should've known it wasn't real.
They died out millions of years ago.

Schoolteachers?

This is Manu, my best pal.

The look on your face
when she woke you!

This is Hugo, my second best pal.

That drooling thing is Jean-Claude.

I guesth your luck'th out.

My other pals are François...

Vomito...

Ramon...

Anyone got a tissue?

Stinko...

Wanna play on my PS at my place?

Not me! No thanks!

And Marco...

Hi, pin dicks!

No lizard-skin shoes today.

But he's not a real pal
'cos he goes after girls.

Girls aren't all useless...

- Get lost!
- What's your problem?

Drop dead, jerk!

Well, they are all useless...

Except Nadia.

Nadia's so beautiful I want
to marry myself to her one day.

Get outta my air space.

Trouble is, she's still a girl.

Getting anywhere with Nadia?

Yeah, she's taking her time
to think things over.

You talked to her?

Nah, that's not how it works.

First, I drive her wild about me
with my looks,

my attitude.

Your attitude?

Yeah, my attitude.

Like...

Like you have gut-ache?

Sometimes you worry me, Manu.

Gross!

He'll rust up her braces!

Gonna do that with Nadia?

Are you nuts?
We ain't gonna mix saliva!

You hold onto your drool.

It's private.

Right...

So when'll you talk to her?

I'll do better than talk to her.
I'll send her an anonymous letter!

What?

A love letter that I don't sign!

She'll imagine stuff,
dream of Prince Charming...

You're Prince Charming?

You bet I am!

But she won't know
'cos I'm anonymous!

Read this.

"No one in the universe
is more beautiful.

"Your eyes are like stars

"and your cheeks like...
meteorites!

"I'll carry you off
on my intergalactic spaceship."

An intergalactic spaceship?

That's poetry!

You're a dead loss
in the willy zone!

You don't get it,
but girls love poetry.

But you haven't signed it...

On purpose!
It's an anonymous letter!

It'll make her dream.

Dream of having cheeks
as big as meteorites?

It's a rough version.

I'm going. You're useless!

His poetry neurone's on the fritz.

Got anything for us, germ?

What's this?

My letter! Give it back!

Bummer...

Pleeeeze!

Can I smoke it?

My letter!! It's mine!

We're outta here.

Those two are moron puke
mixed with cretin cream!

I bet they popped a zit one day

and lost their brain!

Bummer...

This is my family.

My dad's really strong.

He's a researcher.

He researched
the job market for ages.

It was tough.

Now he mends computers.

This is Mum. I adore her.

Titeuf, eat your spinach too.

But I don't...

Then do your homework.

...when she says that.

That baby T-Rex over there
is my sister Zizie.

She's a girl.

Bed! School tomorrow!

Mum, I'm nearly
an interplanetary disemboweller!

Bed!

S'not cool.

Just two more heads to rip off.

Enough, I said!

These mind-numbing games
are bad for you before sleeping.

S'not mind-numbing!

The Great Mugul teaches me stuff.

Learning to slay Zblorgs is useful.

No!

Fine, manage on your own
when the mutant apocaslip happens.

Let him finish.

I can never count on you
to lay down the law!

Meaning?

You can let the kids play all night

and snack
if you take care of them!

I did everything today!

Everything? No way!

Who did the dishes and talked...

to your mum?

Ordeal level 3.

Blaming my mum again?
And the laundry?

The baby? The shopping?

Yeah, sure.
So have yourself a holiday!

I'm sick of this. I need air!

In "Mugulator", if you need air,

you can reload in Mugul oxygen.

Bed!

My folks yell at each other too.

Dad says it's 'cos my mum
has her period.

My dad
must have his period too then!

I'm not surprised.
He's always liked punctuation.

In any case, when I marry Nadia...

You're marrying Nadia?

Yeah...

Does she know?

Does she know?

She soon will! You're a dead loss
in the willy zone!

It's gonna happen today!

You brought your nonymous letter?

Yeah, I made it even better.

Look.

It's pretty different all right.

But why write about toilet paper?

Give me that!

"Butter, milk, toilet paper..."

The shopping list!

That's pretty wild poetry.

I mixed them up in the kitchen
yesterday evening.

Mum took my letter...

I hope she doesn't buy
meteorite butter!

Jerk!

For you.

"Dear Manu, please come
to my birthday party...

"and Nadia's."

What?

They're having a joint party?

That's totally dumb!

I'll have to get
that alien a present too!

Don't worry. You're not invited!

Not invited?

What d'you mean, not invited?

I ain't invited

to Nadia's birthday party.

Why?

Maybe she forgot you.

Forgot me?

S'not possible!
She sees me every day!

I dunno then.

You dunno!
See, it's inexplicable!

Maybe she didn't like your joke
about girls' brains

the other day.

Or maybe it was that time

when you ran a belching contest
at that party.

Or maybe because you shouted
in the yard,

"Girls are pure poo!"

Or maybe she just doesn't
want you there.

What's wrong, Titeuf?

Off with the dinosaurs again?

Don't care
if she doesn't invite me...

Hiya!

What's up?

You're going out?

"Gourkuf"? What does that mean?

Speak clearly.

My Jump Rodgers poster!

Zizie, you have to stop eating
my things!

I'm going away to Gran's
for a few days.

Going away? To Gran's?

Why Gran's?

Dad and I need time to think.

About what?

Grown-ups' stuff.

Zizie's coming
but you have to stay for school.

All right?

Stay with Dad.
I'll call you tomorrow.

Why? What's going on?

Sometimes... dads and mums

need to take stock
and think things over.

A stock of what?

You mustn't worry, sweetheart.

Ok, but...

It'll be all right.

- You're a little man now.
- Mum...

Don't worry, chicken.

I'm not a chicken!

You're not a chicken.

You're a big boy.

It'll be all right.

Goodbye, chick... sweetheart!

Don't worry, it's all right!

She'll be back.

She wants time to think.

We have to look at things, see?

Do you need my Game Boy
to look at things?

You didn't give it back yet.

Does that mean yes?

Mustn't worry...

This is fishy.

It's dumb going to Gran's
to think.

She talks non-stop.

I have problems too.

Planetary birthday party problems!

But I don't go to Gran's.

And I don't steal
other people's Game Boys!

She slammed the door and left!

You mean they're getting divorthed?

No way! What a deadhead!

They're thinking things over.
At Gran's.

Maybe your mum has another man.
A sweetheart.

That happens with girls.

She's not a girl, she's my mum!

There's no sweetheart!

Why couldn't she have one?

She's my mum!

Couples get fed up of each other.

They want to change partners.
It's "the mid-life crisis".

It wasn't mid-life,
it was four in the afternoon!

Your theory sucks!

What?

What if she read your letter...

and thought a nonymous
was writing to her?

No one in the universe
is more beautiful.

Your eyes are like stars

and your cheeks like meteorites.

I'll carry you off

but not on horseback,
on my intergalactic spaceship.

We're out of ass-wipe!

This is a mega-giga-disaster!

A miscarriage of justice!

C'mon, Titeuf!

Pass!

Hiya, Nadia. Slept well?

At least you know
she hasn't forgotten you.

My dad left to think things over
and still isn't back.

It's been four years.

I live
with my mum's new husband now.

Yeah?

Am I bothered?

And I share my room
with his two daughters!

Two girls? Why?!

They're my half-sisters now.

Your half-sisters?

But two half-sisters...

That makes one whole sister!

- What are you?
- Their half-brother.

I know a guy
whose dad has remarried 3 times.

He has 4 half-brothers and sisters.

If he's remarried 3 times,

they're not halves but thirds!

Oh no!

Now it's getting mathematical!

As a half-brother,

maybe there'll be a half-place
for you at Nadia's party.

Today, I'm doing the cooking.
My cult recipe...

The one even top chefs envy!

The Dad Burger!

You think Mum's new husband
has daughters?

What are you talking about?

Mum doesn't have a new husband.
She...

Let's eat in the living room.

You know, sometimes,

dads and mums
need to take stock.

They still love each other.

But over time...

Why's he talking to me
like I'm dumb?

Is he in his normal state or what?

Here we go...

A mid-life crisis at midday?

Oh, no!

We just need to take a step back.

Understand?

No.

Me neither.

But let's eat
our Dad Burgers anyway.

Subtransl.ed balloumowgly

Dad...

S'not so bad without the girls.

Hi... Fine.

I'll put him on.

Titeuf!

Your mum on the phone!

Mum?

Are you ok,
sweetheart?

Poor dear...

You have a lump
in your throat too.

That's better.
I swallowed it!

Are you doing
your homework properly?

Yes, I was working
when you called.

On divisions.

Have you finished
thinking things over?

Not just yet
but I'll see you soon.

Want to come to Gran's
for the weekend?

Can I bring Dad?

Dad will stay at home, ok.

I'll explain.
I love you lots and lots.

Put your dad back on.

Don't cry, sweetheart.

It'll work out.
I'll see you soon.

Seeya, everyone!

Seeya, Dad.

Bye, Titeuf!

Are you crying?

No.

Because your folks
are getting divorced?

I ain't crying, ok.

My eyes
are sore from all the homework.

C'mon, cut it out.

Everybody cries somet...

I ain't crying, ok!

And girls are no use at all!

Are you ok?

How about your mum? Is she back?

My mum...

I'm spending the weekend with her.

Going to tell her
you wrote that love letter?

Tell her? You're crazy!

I'm gonna get rid of that letter!

No letter, no Prince Charming...

Dad'll stand a chance.

Yeah, maybe...

And how about Nadia's party?

Still no invitation.

Are your folkth getting a dirvorth?

No, they're thinking things over.

Silence!
No talking during the test!

Here! The answers.

Read them, then swallow it!

Titeuf...

Lend me your eraser?

What's going on here?

A cheat sheet?

Get out, both of you!

But...

See the headmaster. Scram!

The headmaster's called Scram?

Out!

Poor guy!

They're going out together.
He thould be pleathed.

What a nerd!

You heard that?

Headmaster Scram...

Pretty funny, huh?

I'm sorry, Nadia.

S'not easy for me right now.

It's 'cos my folks
may be getting divorced.

Really?

That must be tough.

You bet.

You could say
it's a sort of family tragedy.

I'm totally mathed up!

Mathed up and mixed up!

Poor Titeuf...

S'not easy.

You just keep going.

Sometimes, you feel so lonely...

You wish there was a birthday party
to cheer you up.

I understand.

You understand?

You're moving up to level two,
Mugul soldier.

My mother has moved out.

The family tragedy
meant I didn't have time

to revise for today's test.

'Cos of the traumaticism.

I understand.

Things are difficult.

But you'll be punished, young lady.

What?!

You ok, Nadia?

Get off my back!

Go easy on me,
I'm living a family tragedy.

Drop dead!

What about my traumaticism?

Hey, guys, I've adopted a jellyfish!

Watch this!

Anyone got a tissue?

My new Nikes! You dirtbags!

Sorry!

Wear your lizard-skin ones.

Watch out, guys!

Mega barf!

Atomic puke eruption!

Cosmic spew-o-rama!

Hello, Headmaster.

He'll get his head ripped off!

For thure!

Tell him I told you to call.
Do it today.

We'll never see him again.

He's taking him to jail.

The poor thucker!

I ain't even punished!

He told my dad
to take me to a shrink.

What?!

He thinks I'm disturbed in my head
'cos my mum left

and that it ain't my fault
I dumped Slime on him.

Crazy!

He says my subconscious did it

'cos my parents split up.

If mine split up
before my next report,

I'll put my subconzious
into overdrive.

How doeth a thrink
thpeak to your thubconthiouth?

Apparently,
shrinks can see inside your brain.

Your subconscious is inside
your head. They go in to get it.

He'll open your thkull
to thee your thubconthiouth!

You're talking crap!

Nothing but bullshit!

He really is disturbed.

Try to relax, my boy.

Relax...
Everything's going to be all right.

This is going to sting a little.

This here is no use.

Nor is this.

What's this thing here?

There we go...

I think we've done a good job here.

Say something, Titeuf.

How do you feel?

Weird.

What's this voice?!

Your son's
true subconscious personality...

He's a girl!

Phew!

You're already up? Good.

Get ready for the shrink.

And brush your brain's teeth well!

You're not keeping that helmet on?

Ain't taking it off!

Your turn, Titeuf.

Titeuf...

How are you, my boy?

His headmaster sent us.

For a few days now...

All the stuff
he's ripped out of brains!

He must be good!

...since his mother and I...

split up.

How about starting with a game?

I'm going to...
Won't you take your helmet off?

Nah!

All right.

Fine. Sit down.

I'll show you some inkblots.
Tell me

what they remind you of.

That's Nadia!
He's managed to do Nadia!

He's hot stuff!

He wants me to lower my guard,

then he'll open up my head
to photoscan my neurones!

I ain't gonna let him do it.

It reminds me of an inkblot.

Why'd he say "Hmm"?

That's Mum!

It reminds me of an inkblot.

Well, it is an inkblot.

You have to say
what it calls to mind for you.

You understand?

Well?

That's your head!

That's your bald patch,

your ears with hairs sticking out...

We'll stop there for today!

Just in case...
The third inkblot is him!

Let's go!

It's not my fault he's an inkblot.

Can't you take that helmet off?

Elodie?

Incredible!

You look great.

What are you up to these days?

Still travelling.
Well, right now, I'm back.

How about you? Is this your son?

Yes, my son. Titeuf.

We've just been to see the shrink.

Yes, his mum's left so...

It's just us boys together.

How about you?

No. Still single.

- We should...
- Meet up?

- One evening.
- I'd love to!

Here's my number.

I have to run. See you.
Bye, Tooteuf!

See you.

Who's she?

She's an ex.

An ex what?

An expert? An exception?

An exile from Thingystan?

An ex-girlfriend.

Did she invite you to her parties?

Well... yeah.

Nadia had better invite me

or she'll be an ex-girlfriend too!

Actually, we dated...

a long time ago.

Before Mum.
When I was young.

Her? But she's old!

Back then she was young!

You kissed her on the mouth?

Yes.

At her birthday party?

Yes, then too.

Gross!

I swear!

A portrait of him as a blot!

Wild!

Listen!

Can you guys do this?

In the silver moonlight

My friend Pierrot...

Dead easy.

So do it!

I can do way better.

The great Mugul

Captain of the Stars

Really classy, Titeuf!

Nadia...

I just had something stuck
in my throat.

Something you ate in T-Rex land.

In T-Rex land! Excellent!

They're such big babies...

It's their hormones.
Their brain can't grow.

It's the size of a tetsticle
until adolescence.

I heard it shrinks even more after.

Especially in cold water.

That was really great!

You wiped the floor with Hugo
at belching!

Thanks, Manu.

And your parents?

My dad got himself met by an ex.

On the street.

And?

Nothing.
They're still thinking it over.

One's thinking at home

and the other in the country,
at my gran's.

My parents think too.

But they do it together.

And I got two days of chores
for the Slime.

Yeah, me too.

Instead of the shrink,
I had to do the dishes!

At home,
we had a hamster called Toto

and he got sick.

We knew he was gonna die,

so we let him do anything.

He could wreck everything
in the house,

gnaw at the plants
and the armchairs...

We even let him pee
on the living room carpet.

What's that got to do with it?

I dunno.

I guess my hamster was like you.

He never got punished for anything.

Like the President.

What?

Same thing!

He can pee on the palace carpets
if he wants.

It's called presidential immunity!

It's presidential humidity
when you pee on the palace carpets?

That's crazy!

Toto could do it
'cos he was gonna die!

What if that's it?

What if it's 'cos you're gonna die?

And that's why grown-ups
are so nice to you...

That's horrible...

I'm gonna die!

Hold on! That's not certain.

Yeah, I was just saying.
You're not a hamster.

If ever you die for real,

will you leave me your Game Boy
cartridges in your will?

I need to know.

If I'm gonna die, I have to know.

That way, you'll have time
to sort the cartridges!

What the hell are you doing?
Are you crazy?

You're totally wacko!
Get a cloth and clean this up!

And no TV for two days!

He'd never say that if I was dying.

Oh, hi...
Just putting my pyjamas on.

So I thought...

I'd test the elastic...

on my briefs.

I'll tell the shrink.

Doctor, my son is fine...

He just pissed
on the living room carpet.

That looks good.

- What is it?
- Guacamole. But not for you.

You've got pizza tonight.
In your bedroom.

So who's the guatamolly for?

A guest.

So why can't I eat
the molly thing with you?

Because it's a dinner for grown-ups.

What grown-ups?

Your dad and... a friend.

Here.

Enjoy!

Dad's ex-girlfriend that he kissed
on the mouth at parties!

Maybe she's gonna come
and live here...

With her daughters!

Titeuf, say hello!

I'll get that, it's for me!

For a change...

Hello? Titeuf?

Manu! I have a huge problem.

The girl from the other day...
The ex-girlfriend who's got old.

She's here!
She's eating with my dad!

Maybe
she's trying to replace my mum!

Calm down! Maybe it's just to talk
about prehistoric days

when they knew each other.

If they're just talking,

why has my dad lit candles?

Ouch! Don't panic!

Her clothes...
What colour are they?

Who the hell cares?

I read my mum's mag in the toilet.

It was about what to wear
to pick someone up.

Hold on, I'll get it.

Here we go!

"The look to charm him".

Ok, go on. Her clothes.

The girl's wearing a skirt,
a short one...

And a blouse
with a hole at the top...

A low neckline.

What colour?

Grey and brown.

Grey and brown?

That's ok. That's what you wear
for a job interview.

She wants to work for him?

I dunno!

She's showing a lot of skin.

The skin on her arms,
on her legs,

on the top of her tits...

She's mostly skin colour!

What does that mean?

That's bad.

It means
she's in total seduction mode.

What's your dad wearing?

His black shirt and his shoes.

No trousers?

Of course! It's just
that he was in his slippers before.

What does that mean?

I don't know
but I think it's serious.

Don't leave them alone!

Ok, I'm going in.

Unforgettable...

Silly!

Did Isa ever get her ears done?

Not just her ears!

Here's something to eat.

The lady's probably hungry.

You know Titeuf.

He's cute.

Dad, has the lady got any daughters?

No, I don't have children.

And now you're too old...

You've come
to help Dad think things over?

All right, that's enough.
Go to your room!

Careful, Dad!

She's dressed in titty skin!

She wants to get hired!

She wants to become an ex-ex!

Watch out!

Where does he get all that?

No idea!

He clearly needs a strong hand.

It's just kids' talk. It's funny.

Fine! Laugh about it on your own.

I'll get hired somewhere else!

Want some chicken, Titeuf?

I'm wearing my brown pyjamas.

Want to hire me?

I guess...

Girls don't know how to play Lego

Or make motorbike noises
with their mouths

They can't make sounds
with their behinds

What use are girls?

Girls don't know
how to appreciate TV

They don't understand karate movies

During soccer matches,
they forget to cheer

Ah, what a disaster

What use are girls?

What use are girls?

Girls lock themselves
in the bathroom

They have all sorts of creams

I don't understand

Girls never stay too long with me

I don't know why

Then the lady left. "I'll get hired
some place else," she said!

And bam! She was gone!

Your dad invited her to make love

for thure!

No, she came for dinner.

He even made chicken.

Thure, chicken.

Then after, "Oh, yeth!"
On the couch!

Cut it out!

My dad's no sex maniac!
He'd rather eat chicken!

Oh, yeth! Oh, yeth!

Shut your mouth!

Thon of a thex maniac!

Shut it, briefs face!

You're lucky I ain't in shape!

Oh, yeth! Oh, yeth!

They were eating chicken!

Thperm-fed chicken!

You're useless!

The neat thing with divorced parents

is you get a stepmother
and a stepfather.

They want you to like them,
so they buy you loads of presents.

Mega-screw-up!

You threw out
your future stepmother!

She'll buy you a Barbie
or an educational game.

A PlayStation?

A wooden one?

A learning toy.

Recommended for developing
motion and prehensile skills

in badly brought-up children!

Forget her.
Try helping your parents instead.

How?

Tell your mum
you wrote the letter from her lover

and that she doesn't
have a lover at all.

She ain't gonna like it!

Maybe, but you have no choice.

Ok! I'll do it!

How about Nadia?
Still no invitation?

Nah.

She's taking time to think it over.
She doesn't know where she's at.

Is she going to her gran's
in the country?

What's up?

It's Sandrine...

She's gonna show us her tits!

Can I see too?

It's one euro each!

One euro?
You ain't no super model...

So look at nude super models
on posters!

My tits cost one euro.

Or go and play marbles
with your pals.

No, no, he'll pay.

He's useless at marbles.

Get lost, you!

Can I pay you
with nausea homeopathy?

Get lost!

You're wrong, it really works.

Are you ready?

Get a load of this!

That's cheating. You've got no tits!

Give me my money back!

What a jerk...

She hoodwinked us!

My tits are just as big.

Look!

You can't see her inner beauty.

You have to learn that.

You're a load of morons!

There's no inner beauty
under Sandrine's sweater!

She just screwed us out
of four euros!

The inner beauty was there!

But you can't see it.

That's why Nadia didn't invite you.

I bet that's why your mum left too.

That's bullshit!

My mum has tits!

Forget it. You're too dumb.

Hey, Nadia! Wanna play a game?

If you need to belch
or eat boogers, no.

No, wait...
It's a psy-ecological game!

You look at a blot and say
what it is for your inner brain.

It lets you see
into your subconscious.

Watch this.

Here we go...

That subconscious thing
is awesome!

I recognize Nadia's hand!

S'not fair!

You remember?

Get off in Bregogne.

Why didn't Mum come to get me?

She'll meet you there.

You're a big boy now.

Right, time to go.

Ticket, bag...

It's ok, Dad.

You're a big boy now, ok?

I'll pick you up on Sunday!

Get off in Bregogne, ok!

You are travelling

on board train number 6458.

Please respect other passengers.

Kindly make

all phone calls
outside the compartments.

Thank you.

I've travelled in my time.

It wasn't always easy...

Torn between parents,

thrown onto trains,
alone on the road...

The railway lines flashing by

Have worn out my eyes

I live nowhere

And maybe it's better that way

The train carrying me away
will never stop again

I wagered my life on it

And I lost

The train rolls along

And carries you off

The whistling wind
tears you from the night

Leave your doubts

And your certainties too

Hold on tight, kid

The road is your only friend

I've passed through so many towns
in the mist

Left so many girls in tears
on station platforms

All I have now

Is my guitar

A pair of worn-out boots
and my dark glasses

Bregogne.

A two-minute stop.

Sweetheart!

Did you have a good trip?

It wasn't too long?

Too long?

Never,
when the road's your only friend.

"The road's your only friend"?

More of your nonsense!

Are your eyes sore?

Course not.

That's because
you let him play too much

on that Game Thingy!

These girls are useless...

Where has she put it?

It's messier than my room in here!

Looking for something?

No, nothing, Grandpa.

I was just looking
to see if Mum had found my...

We lose everything around here.

I can never seem to find my specs.

Pwetty picture!

Yeah, very pwetty picture, Zizie.

But I'm busy.

I'm on an important mission.

Pwetty!

My love letter!

Where did you get it?

Give that back to her!

But, Mum, it's...

Honestly, Titeuf...

It's just an old shopping list
from my bag.

Mum...

Haven't you read this...
shopping list?

What does it matter?

But, Mum...

Where did Zizie get it?

Who cares?

But that means...
Your cheeks were never meteorites?

I mean...
You never read it?

You watch too much TV!

The countryside

will do you a power of good!

It's not because of me!

But if that's true,
why did she leave?

- Gran...
- Yes?

Why did Mum leave?

Those are grown-ups' problems.

You know, sometimes

you need a little distance

to realize
you still love each other.

Meaning?

They can't see each other close to?
Like Manu?

In a way, yes!

Manu could lend them his glasses!

Nah, that won't work!

What's for dinner?

A nice dish of mashed potatoes.

Yuck! More mashed potatoes.
Nothing but mashed potatoes...

Mashed potatoes are good.
And they're easy to chew.

Couldn't
we have French fries for once?

Pretend the mashed potatoes
are fries gone soft.

Sure...

I can pretend I'm married
to Monica Bellucci too...

Gone soft.

As if Monica Bellucci would marry
an old dinosaur with a moustache!

Back in the day,
you loved my moustache.

Right, back in the day.

Mashed potatoes don't make you nice.

What, you old goat?

They make you deaf too!

He was hard
to understand with teeth...

I'd rather talk
to my vegetable garden!

I'm sure you vegetables
get along fine.

Subtransl.ed balloumowgly

Even with specs,

it's really tough being a grown-up.

Come and see, Titeuf!

Look how beautiful it is,
all this...

nature.

Oh, yeah...

Really beautiful, Mum.

Can I watch "Mugulator"?

Admire this beauty!

This isn't in "Mugulator".

Thank God...

I thought
I'd spend my whole life here,

with the cows, the chickens...

And you chose Dad?

Have you thought things over?

I need a little more time
to know where I am.

Don't you love Dad?

I don't know.

You prefer hens now?

No.

Are you getting a new husband?

That's not it.

You're useless at questions!

Who's the man of your dreams?

Come on, Mum! Tell me!

Right now, the man of my dreams

is Fido!

My life is a horror story!

My future stepfather is a dog.

Thinking things over helped a lot.

What'll I look like now?
A dog!

Classy!

Nadia...

Meet my parents.

Grown-ups really suck!

You don't give a shit
about my prob...

...lems.

Something stinks! What did you do?

Nothing. I talked to a cow.

To a cow?

Tell your shrink, ok.

Yeah, yeah...

Found a new wife yet?

What?

Not some dog, I hope!

The way you talk!

Are you crazy?

I spent
the whole weekend tidying up...

Grown-ups!

Live with it!

I only have five days
until Nadia's party.

Next!

Next!

I'm not feeling so hot

since my mum went away.

My dad's far away too.

It's no reason to be useless at gym.

She totally wasted you!

Try it again! Show her.

No, I'm not up to it. Not today.

Go on!

What did Nadia just say?

My dad's far away too.

My dad's far away.

Far away.

Her dad's left!

Yeah!

Are you ok?

I'm ace!

I have a plan!!
An over-the-top super-dooper plan!

A plan to get invited?

Even better. To get invited...

and to live with Nadia!

I don't believe it!

You're gonna live at Nadia's?

S'not official yet, so hush.

Since I'm torn between two parents,

a little stability and affection
will do me good.

Gonna kith her with your tongue?

Are you crazy?

If you do that,
don't be lower than the girl

or her drool trickles
into your mouth.

Make sure you're above her

or keep your mouth shut tight
like this.

Yeah, I know all that.

I bet you wouldn't dare
to kith a girl!

I kiss better than you!

Yeah? Thow uth then!

Can I try too?

Get lost, Vomito!

I'm gonna kiss you, Nadia!

I hope her breath smells better.

Ready, Manu?

Let's go!

Who got my sock all wet?

I swear, Dad! You have to do it.

She really needs your help!

How can I help Nadia's mum
to prepare the party?

You could open bags of potato chips.
Or maybe bottles...

You're sure she asked?

Well, she didn't actually "ask".

But I could tell she...

Another of your stories...

Dad, pleeeeze!

You'll save my life.

All right then.

Thank you, thank you...

How do you know your dad's
gonna find Nadia's mum attractive?

He's bound to find her attractive.
It's a genetic thing!

What if it's not love at first sight
for her?

I'll need music...

In movies, there's music for love
at first sight.

You're right.

Manu, can I borrow your boom box?

Come on.
It's a matter of life or death!

Ok, but don't break it.

And that girly CD of yours!

I don't have a girly CD!

You do!

It's not a girly CD.

It's Clara Princess's Greatest Hits.

Yeah, ok...

The Clara Prince-mess CD.

You'll invite me over
when you live with Nadia?

Of course...

Dad! Are you ready?

For what?

To go to Nadia's mum's!

Ok, let's go.

Hold on! You're not going like that.

Like what?

Get changed!
We're not taking the trash out,

we're going to the future...

Calm down.
I'll put something else on.

What's the music for?

To set the mood.

Don't worry about it.

Titeuf told me...

I'm here
about Nadia's birthday party.

Titeuf told me...

you might need a hand
to get everything ready...

That's kind.

I'll have
to ask her friend's mother.

They're having a joint party, see.

I'll call her.

Oh, no, not Dumbo's mum!

It's very kind of you anyhow.

- See you soon then.
- Yes, all right.

Come on!

Turn that off now.

Shut the hell up!

That's a sick thing to do!

What if your mum wants to come back?

No, Mum wants to think things over!

Besides,
she'll find another husband.

If she loves Fido, fine.

Fido?

Your mum's gonna marry
a guy called Fido?

That's a dog's name!

Hold on! That's not his real name.

It's a pseudnonym.

Actually, he's a famous movie star.

So what's Fido been in?

He was in...

Ok, I get it.

It's all crap!

Concentrated crap!

No, it's not!

He was in "Terminator"!

Terminator is Schwarzenegger, moron!

That's him!

But he uses the name Fido
to get a little peace, see.

Ok, let's say he does...

What if your dad puts a sperm
in Nadia's mum?

Thought about that?

You'll have a little sister.

With Nadia's face and your forelock!

And your mum will have a baby
with Schwarzenegger!

What a family...

Hideous!

Your mum'th marrying Thwarzenegger?

Free movieth for uth?

Sure! He can get you a part
in "Jurassic Park V"!

As a velociraptor!

You could marry a movie thtar too!

The one who playth Frankenthtein!

Don't let the space Zblorgs
wipe you out!

Looking for a present for me?

A present?

Nadia didn't say?

She's decided to invite you
to our party.

Because your dad's so nice.

She has?

It was mostly her mum
who found him nice.

Very nice!

- She did?
- I have to go.

I hope
you're as generous as your dad!

You're moving up to level three,
Mugul soldier!

That's it!
I've been invited!

It worked!
The music, my dad, the whole thing!

You're the best!

Yeah.

But now I have to buy a present

for that mutant from planet Radar.

And for Nadia.

That's true.

What did you get?

I had a great idea.

I got them a Pretty Pony sock each!

If they have a joint party,

they can share the gift.

S'not a bad idea.

What'll you get for Nadia?

I'll buy her a necklace
like in an American movie.

Get a necklace
and then the girl's yours!

Like a dog!

Exactly.

What?

Don't you want new shoes?

No. Why?

No reason.

No touching!

That's ok.
I want that one, ma'am.

That's 18-carat gold, my boy.

It's very expensive.

Nothing's too expensive for Nadia.

How much is it?

850 euros.

Can I get the same
in 18-carat plastic?

Or maybe with fewer carats.

There we'll find something
you can afford.

Think so?

You bet! Girls like humour...

and mystery.

Manu! Look at this!

It's scented too!

Now that's classy!

She's gonna go wild
when she opens it.

For sure!

That's
when you make your declaration!

My declaration?

You tell her "I love you"
or something.

Girls don't understand otherwise.

A necklace
won't make her understand?

No way!
You need to pull out all the stops!

Lightly brush her ear,
give her a wink... All that!

Brush her ear?

Yeah, like in the movies.

The ear's really sensual!

No kidding?

Dumbo's totally sensual then?

I guess.

You need a gift for her too,
remember.

How about a CD?

You're nuts! CDs cost a bomb.
I'm not going broke for her!

I don't even know what she likes!

Get Greg Lover or Richie Amor.

All the girls like that stuff.

How d'you know that?

Someone told me.

At that price,
I hope she listens to it!

With ears that size,
she can listen to music really well.

It's a good investment.

Got anything for us, you germs?

You germs...

What's this?

I'm keeping my briefs!

Run, Manu!

What's in the bags?

Presents for the girls.

What did you get?

Ain't telling.

But it's totally sensual stuff.

No girl will resist.

C'mon, what is it?

If I tell you,
you'll dump your presents...

and cry your eyes out.

I've thought about your plan
with your dad and Nadia's mum...

It's a really bad plan!

If your dad marries Nadia's mum,

that means Nadia will be
your half-sister.

I know. So?

You can't marry your half-sister.

Why not?

You just can't. It's forbidden!

What? You're just jealous!

I already have one sister, Zizie.

And that's enough, believe me!

Now you'll have
one point five sisters!

And you can't marry the point five!

So there, Mr Sensuality!

You're just jealous!

Because you have crap presents

and not even zero point five
of a sister!

You're not allowed to marry her!

You're not allowed to marry her!

You're not allowed to marry her!

You don't even have zero point one
of a sister!

You don't even have zero
point zero one of a sister!

Come on.

Your sister has a surprise.

My sister?

She wants to introduce us
to her boyfriend!

S'not fair!

Why me?

What the...

Had a good night?

I'm off to your friend's mum's
to do the party decorations.

See you later.

Wait, Dad! You mustn't!

S'not a good idea.

I don't want to be
Nadia's point five.

Don't go there!

Just imagine it, Dad!

Jean-Claude's drool

and Dumbo's mum's dry cakes...

How does my shirt look?

Totally mauve.

Sure you're going to stay airtight?

Can someone tell Stinko
to go easy on the gas?

You're not dancing?

I don't like dancing anymore.

Did you want to dance?

No, I don't like the music.

Me neither.

Like I thought,
it's pretty useless.

Yeah, really!

- Seen the potato chips?
- All gone.

But there's a green dip.

Guacamole.

Too many potato chips...

Everything ok?

It's really kind of you to help us.

Having fun, Titeuf?

Yes, sister...

Yes, of course!

Want to dance?

Are you ok?

Yes. It's the beat.

This happens when I dance.

Often you do a slow dance,
lock lips

and you're married!

I'd just rather dance alone.

I can't dance with my half-sister.
It's way forbidden!

What do you mean?
She isn't your half-sister yet!

Your dad
hasn't bought her mum a ring.

You never know, it may not work.
Maybe the waves are all wrong.

Ace!

- Dad!
- What do you want?

I want you to leave!

Before your microwaves make Nadia
a point sister!

Have you finithed?
It'th my turn!

What's up, Dracula?

I'd like a Coca-Cola, if pothible!

Ok, here you go!

What's going on?

Acting
like a thug at a friend's party?

- Cut it out.
- Leave me be!

Can I have my Coke, pleath?

Ma'am? I just had to tell you...

whatever happens, don't agree
to a slow dance with my dad.

And never accept one of his sperms!

Even if he helped out for the party.

Not a single sperm!

There! I messed up the waves!

That was close.
I'm going back to Nadia.

For you!

From the bottom...

of my heart.

A necklace? A scented one?

Garlic?

It's garlic?

Do you like garlic?

It's really good for your health.

I put my heart in it...

Titeuf, you're so sweet!

Greg Lover's new CD!
I wanted this so much!

It's so romantic!

I can expla...

You're Titeuf's father, aren't you?

Yes, that's me.

I'm Nadia's father.

Thanks for helping
while I was away on business.

You're welcome.
It's only natural.

- Is that fruit syrup?
- Yes, grena...

That guy's totally crazy.

I don't know what came over him.
Can you explain?

No.

But we could show that stain
on your shirt to my shrink.

Daddy!

Titeuf!

Zizie?

What are you doing here?

My darlings...

We're back.

I took time to think it over.

And you're my favourite pain
in the neck!

I'm so glad
you've finished thinking!

Me too!

Is it over with Fido?

Who's Fido?

What happened to your shirt?

It's nothing...

Gross!

C'mon, let's smash
the Great Mugul's soldiers to bits!

In the end,

Mum didn't marry a movie actor

or a dog.

Don't try to understand.

That's how grown-ups are.

They need to think.

Got a kiss for me, Zizie?

Zizie spent too much time
with the cows!

That's it then?
Your mum's back with your dad?

She dumped Fido?

My pals are as dumb as ever.

I don't get it...
Your dad'th a movie thtar?

Especially Jean-Claude.

His braces
must have made his brain rusty.

Manu told me everything.

What you did to get invited
to the party.

For your dad too.

It's a bit weird
but it's really generous of you.

I find that so heroic, Titeuf.

I didn't wear the necklace
because of the smell.

But it's pretty anyway.

Your declaration!

Make your declaration!

Brush her ear!

There's no backing down this time!

It's now or never.

Time to enter the void.

My whole life
is unfolding before my eyes!

Great Mugul! Help me!

Hey, kid!

You have to do it alone.

The ear's really sensual.

Nadia...

I love you.

What did you say?

Get to class!

Didn't you hear the bell?

- Did you tell her?
- You bet!

What did she say?

Her?

Nothing.
Who cares!

Nothing at all?

She said nothing...
but her eyes spoke for her.

She spoke with her eyes?!

Get outta my air space!

Listen up!

Get into the playground groove

It's hard being in a good mood

When Zizie uses my poster as food

Mum and Dad get really mad

'Cos my school report is bad

At school, time to protest

Teacher's doing a surprise test

I didn't revise, damnation

Too busy with my PlayStation

So this rap relates my disgrace

Get outta my face,
Outta my air space

Get outta my air space

Oh, pleeeeze!

Lunch today I couldn't bear

Spinach is a total nightmare

If I ate it, I'd be strong

I could be the new King Kong

I'll be an actor or a rebel

Married to Nadia, my belle

When I see her, my heart's unstrung

I'd kiss her, but no tongue

Some days, having flu would be ace

Get outta my face
Outta my air space

Get outta my face
Outta my air space

Get outta my air space

The playground has rules, yo

Never sit next to Vomito

Or eat opposite Jean-Claude

When he's in drooling mode

Avoid girls 'cos they're dumb

And big kids 'cos they're scum

Hold your breath to the brink

If the teachers really stink

But I'm in shape, chock-a-block

I swear it on my forelock

The message is clear in any case

Get outta my face,
Outta my air space

Subtransl.ed balloumowgly