Tim Minchin: Back (2022) - full transcript

J'j' could I be more of a cliche?

J'j' thirty-thousand feet
above Nebraska

j'j' scratching lyrics on a napkin

j'j' praying that this turbulence
will spare my wine

n the plane is almost empty
but for 320 other humans

n“ all staking their existence
on a couple of dozen rivets

n straining between fuselage
and wing

n a fact we 're only coping
with by drinking

N if this plane goes down I hope that I'm
one of the cool ones

j'j' will I have the nerve
to play the clown

n if this plane goes down?



N" if this plane goes down

j'j' remember me
as someone who tried

ii to find a balance
between self-loathing and pride

j'j' dug too hard for love
at times

n so if it ends
in flames and fuel

j'j' please tell my kids
I've kept my cool

n if my time is up
and this plane goes down

n" if this plane goes down
as we hit the ground

n I want to be smiling

n happily Hades-bound
if this plane goes down

n" if this plane goes down

n remember me as someone
who cared often

j'j' but not always about his hair

n self-righteous
when shit wasn't fair



n so if it ends
in fire and glass

j'j' please tell my kids
I went down classy

n if my time is up
and this plane goes down

if I've no regrets as such

j'j' it's just a shame
I've so much still to do

n” if my youth was wasted
on me, I don't mind

j'j' because I wasted it
with you, my love

j'j' and from up above
this planet looking down

n” the world reduced
to Greens and browns

j'j' toy trains
in paper-mache towns

j'j' and just for now
the trials of humankind

n dissolved by altitude and wine

n I really think
that I'll be fine

n if my time is up

j'j' and this plane goes down

n" if this plane goes down

j'j' I hope that I can
get people laughing

j'j' will I have the balls
to tool around

n if this plane goes down?

N" if this plane goes down

n remember me as someone
who went down

n with fair results
but grand intent

j'j' found his meaning
in how phrases can be bent to the will

n where will my remains be sent

ii to be eventually, dentally
ident...

J'j' ...Tified?

J'j' so if this flight
should end in tears

j'j' please tell my kids
I felt no fear

j'j' and tell them
that the smoke will clear

n and tell them daddy didn't spill
a drop of beer

n if my time is up
and this plane

n goes down

n if my time is up

n and this plane goes down j'j'

J'j' I've been having
a little problem recently

j'j' which is quite disturbing
musicalically

j'j' involving a semi-tonal
discrepancy

j'j' vocally and instrumentally

n you see musicians
of different varieties

n prefer playing
in particular keys

j'j' and singers, too
treat preferentially

j'j' those notes they tackle
more proficiently

j'j' now, you don't have to be
a member of mensa

n to understand the depths
of my dilemma

ii the two elements of me
favour two different keys

j'j' thus the rift betwixt
my fingers

j'j' and my tenor

M" I like nothing more
than playing instruments in f

if it warms the very cockles
of my heart

n the trouble is that f
can leave me vocally bereft

n" you see, ilike playing
in f major

j'j' but I like singing in f sharp

H f sharp

j'j' irefuse to be beholden
to my hands

n I don't see why my larynx
should give into their demands

n [71 not be forced
to compromise my art

n and so I'll just
keep playing in f major

j'j' and singing in f sharp

H f sharp

all together.

J'j' f -audience: Ij' sharp

Tim: N sharp

j'j' sharp

audience: N sharp

Ii I 'ii keep playing in...

J'j' playing in f major
but I'll keep singing in f...

Audience: N sharp

n sharp! N

Whoo!

Audience member 3: Whoo!

I've been... I've been playing
that f sharp song

for about 18 years now,
on and off,

and over the years I've noticed that the
audience reactions to the song

can be distributed like so many things
across a bell curve,

across a normal
distribution curve,

where, at one end of the curve,
a small minority of you,

presumably musicians and musician-adjacent
people who just think it's the

funniest fucking thing they've ever heard
in their lives. -

And then the bell of the curve is, of
course, the majority of you

and your reactions are kind of like...

And then the other end
is another minority,

three or four percent of you
are just, like,

"why are we laughing?
It sounds fine."

-It's gonna be a long night for you
tone-deaf motherfuckers.

The show's called back,

'cause I'm... 'Cause I'm back, I suppose.

There you are.

Er, it's called back, because I suppose...
I don't know if you knew this,

but after my orchestra show, I just...

I retired from touring for, like,
seven years,

and then when I put this on sale in 2019
or whatever, I thought I'll call it back,

because, I guess from
the point of view of you guys,

the consumers of my logical philosophy
lectures disguised as cabaret shows,

I guess I'm "back".

Er, from the point of view
of my children, of course,

I'm... I'm “back" to being
an absent father.

It was a tough one, this one, actually,
coming on tour again.

I left Sydney, where I live now,
about eight weeks ago

to start this tour, and, er,

I'd, like so many of us, I'd spent the
vast majority of the last 18 months

at home with the kids,

and my kids are
in their early teens now.

So, this time, me leaving
was a big deal.

There were a lot of tears,

and it was really...
It was really hard.

You know? It's awful and, um...

Yeah, in the eight weeks
since I've been away,

I've been thinking
about them a lot, you know,

and I've just been thinking,
"fuck 'em."

Seriously, I gave up touring for seven
years for those little cunts,

and do they... do they clap and cheer when
I walk into a room?

Do they? Fuck!

I have come to the conclusion

that I love you guys
more than I love my children.

And I feel incredibly comfortable

with that realisation.

I would like to wash and powder the
perineums of each and every one of you.

Uh...

The, um...
The tour has a subtitle.

It's called "back: Old songs, new songs,
fuck you songs",

because it rhymes
and it has a swear word,

and if you don't think
that's utterly brilliant,

you're also going to have
a fucking long night,

because that is pretty much the sum total
of my skill set... -

Rhyming and swearing.

Swearing and rhyming.

Getting about in age-inappropriate
trousers. -

Oh, fuck.

And now, oi, yeah, so the next song
I'm going to do

is the oldest
of the old songs category.

And it's not, to be honest,
actually a song.

It's a poem, a beat poem,
that I wrote in 1999,

and it's called mitsubishi Colt.

Ah.

I've noticed this phenomenon,

actually. I'd be interested to know if you
picked up on this,

just since I started
touring again.

Have you guys noticed
that there are adults,

like, grown-ups these days, like, fully
grown adult human sapien beings

who are, like... who can buy drinks, and a
car, and, like, adopt children,

and have a gun and shit,
like, grown-ups,

who were born
in or after 2000 ad.

Have you heard about this shit?

Are there any
in the audience tonight,

people born in...

Okay. All right.

That's fucking gross. Okay? That's not...

That's not okay.

I want you to know that you are not
welcome here. -

And I don't mean
in this theatre,

I mean on the fucking planet.

It's really obnoxious.

You wandering around,
shining a spotlight

on the inexorable
onward march of time.

Fuck you, man.

"Ooh, look at
my musculoskeletal system,

still holding up my body weight
without pain. Ooh.“

"I'm sitting in a chair.
It doesn't hurt."

Fuck you guys.

You'll probably go home tonight
and have wobble-free sex.

With your little boyfriend
whose penis probably still hangs

lower than his scrotum.

Anyway, for you guys, a mitsubishi Colt
is a car, okay?

It's just a shitty little car, built and
designed in the empire of Japan

in the century before
your consciousnesses

burst miraculously
into existence.

They don't, by the way,
exist, your consciousnesses.

Consciousness
is just an emergent property

of any sufficiently
complex neural network,

and the self
is an illusion built on fear.

Anyway, you will catch up.

So, anyway, this... this poem's about...
It's not...

It's called mitsubishi Colt, but it's not
actually about a car.

The poem is about this situation
I used to get in.

I'm sure if there are
any young artists...

You know when you're struggling,
if you're a struggling artist,

this thing happens,
where, if a rich person

comes to see your gig or look at your
paintings or whatever,

if they're ever trying
to be nice to you,

it always comes across
as horribly condescending.

So I wrote a poem about this scenario,
and I played it for a while,

and then I had to stop
playing it for, like, ten years

because it got really awkward,
because I'm...

Quite, rich now...

It's very, very embarrassing. But don't
worry, I'm getting through it.

But then, um...

Then I moved back to Australia.

I lived overseas for, like,
12 years, 13 years.

And four years ago,
I moved back to Sydney.

And, I swear, half a dozen times
since I moved back to Australia,

I've had some suit
come up to me and do that,

"so what do you do, mate?"

I'm, like, "I'm a musician".

“Oh, a musician, are ya?

You make a living
out of that, do ya?"

"Fucking hell, mate,
I could buy your child."

But I don't,
because it's illegal,

as it turns out.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say
for you youngsters

is throughout the evening there might be
some terminology that you struggle with

because you're young
and ignorant.

But also because some of it was written
before you were born,

so there'll be a bit of a glossary of
terms throughout the night

so you don't fall behind.

But, erm, for this one,
there's not much.

There's... at one point, yeah, the
antagonist refers to a "chick" magazine,

er, which is like an obnoxious way of
talking about a girlie magazine.

So, erm, a magazine is like a, um...

Er, how would you des...
It's like a large-scale floppy,

shiny, book-based thing.

A book is, erm, well,
how would you describe it?

A book is like...

Like a tightly-bound stack of very thin
slices of tree that you entertain...

It's like tiktok, but it doesn't
make you mentally ill.

Anyway, a girly
magazine is what we used to do for porn.

And I know you guys can't even imagine a
world in which you don't have

the planet's most perverse peccadillos
playing in high definition video

in your pocket 24/7.

Back in our day,
our porn was still.

And we used to have to search for it in
the sand dunes behind the drive-in,

For some reason
I still don't understand.

A drive-in is like
a massive iPhone.

Like, picture a huge iPhone.

And you back your car up to it,

and you pop the boot,
and lie there,

and try not to get distracted by the voice
of Harrison Ford

coming through your car stereo

while you try to finger
your sister's best friend.

It's complicated. It's hard to describe.

Now I say it out loud,
it doesn't seem likely.

I can't believe
I'm doing old-person jokes.

'Cause I just want to die quite soon.

Right. Mitsubishi Colt.

So this is a beat poem.
For those interested,

everything I do with my hands
while I'm doing this poem,

is improvised, okay?

I'm telling you that so you're more
impressed if I succeed,

and more forgiving
if I fuck it up.

Ii he looks at me intensely

j'j' eyes sparkle contact lens green
with artificial envy

j'j' cocks his head and fixes me
with a condescending stare

j'j' flicks his bleached blonde-tipped hair
and theorises thus

You know what I reckon?

Pause for effect.

Adjusts his tackle
as if it's semi-erect.

I figure I'd better give him
what I know he expects.

What do you reckon?

Ii a hand on the shoulder
an avuncular wink

j'j' sips his lemon drink
spits out the pips

j'j' hands on hips

n licks his lips
like a wolf near a flock

j'j' yet again adjusting
his fantasy cock

ii he delivers his philosophy

n" I reckon it don't matter

if it don't mean squat what you earn
or what you got

n or the style of your hair
or what you wear

ii it matters not

j'j' I mean, what do you care

j'j' that I live on a hill
with views of the beach

j'j' that my chicks and my dogs
have an en-suite bathroom each

j'j' that I've already reached my first ten
million and I'm only 36

j'j' you're as thick as two bricks

n“ if you think you can fix what is broke
in your life with money

n and the funny thing is
and I shit you not

n" I would give it all up
like that

J'j' he leaves me to ponder
his wisdom for a bit

n and with a click of his finger

ii he beckons
the blondest, boobiest barmaid

j'j' and grinning ridiculously orders a g
and t and a beer for me

j'j' and before I can escape

ii he's back saying
"'cause, mate, the thing is

n" all that crap
it's all superficial

n it's all just a front

j'j' I mean, anyone can be
a rich cunt

n but the thing we all want
can't be bought with dosh

n you know what I mean, boss?

N because it's not like you give a toss
that when I want to get slim

j'j' I've got my own private gym

n and a personal trainer called Danielle
or fucking Darlene

n she's got tits like them chicks
in them chick magazines

j'j' and it's not like you care
that I own a controlling share

n of an overseas company
that builds accounting software

m“ it matters not one bit

j'j' I mean, who gives a shit
that I earn 600 grand

j'j' and drive
a brand-new Land Rover

n“ you know I would hand it all over
like that"

J'j' he pauses for a beat
long enough for me

ii to retreat to a seat
and sit, elbow on the bar

j'j' and contemplate this guru with his
white teeth and big car

j'j' and ponder silently my belief that
genius comes in many forms

j'j' and that this postulating
peroxided porn-star prick

J'j' ain't one of them

j'j' my speculation cut short

n as he reforms
like "Terminator 2"

n and before I have time
to abort

ii he descends upon me
and snorts

n“ "I guess what I'm trying to say
in my own little way

n is that I reckon musos
and artists and that

j'j' well, lreckon they're great

j'j' well, [know some people
who reckon you guys

j'j' just sit on your bums and don't
get out of bed till the pizza man comes

j'j' and smoke cones and take crack
and whack off all day

n but I don't care what they say

j'j' and I don't listen to people
who say all actors are gay

n not that I don't think
gay's okay

n I mean, who am I to say where you come
and where you go?

Ii in the privacy
of your own homo

J'j' homo, homo"

N he's shitting me now
and my eyes start to glaze as

n through the haze of my anger
inotice his g and tis gone

j'j' and he's starting to dribble as he
dribbles on and fucking on

n "but you musos are all right

ii I don't know much about music

j'j' but I know what I like

j'j' and I reckon I 'd give it all in
to be like you, Jim"

Tim!

J'j' "'cause you might be poor
in monetary terms

j'j' but what you earn spiritually
what makes you what you are

n just means so much more than what
you'll get from a really nice car

j'j' or a tennis court or holidays
in Greece or a house on the beach

n or stock market shares

j'j' or 31 pairs
of Calvin klein underwear

n do you understand, Jim?

If you are
a wealthy, wealthy man

j'j' and, mate, I don't want
to piss in your pocket

j'j' but I've got to say
before I get on my way

j'j' that honestly
and I'm not having you on

j'j' ireckon one day you could play piano
as good as Elton John"

Ii the cops are still mingling
though the crowd's shuffled out

j'j' I've got ice on my hand
where my fist met his mouth

j'j' and although I explained
that it wasn't my fault

ii I've got an 800—buck fine
for aggravated assault

N so before it gets worse
ireckon I'll bolt

n a wealthy, wealthy man

n“ in a 1981

n mitsubishi Colt n

So, I lived in London
for eight years in there,

and when... while I was
living here, I toured a lot.

And I realised, in hindsight,
that I garnered a reputation

for being quite outspoken
about, um...

Erm, re... Jesus and religion,
and stuff. Um...

And that is, like...
That's fantastic.

Like, honestly,
I'm just thrilled

if anyone comes to watch
this shit for any reason.

But it did kind of
come to my attention

that some people were coming
very much for that material,

and that was what
I was known for.

And I don't want anyone
to be disappointed.

So, I just want to make it clear
from the outset

that I'm not...
Don't be waiting for...

I'm not really doing
that stuff any more.

- Um...
- Audience: Aw!

Yeah, I know.
It's sort of a pity,

but I just think I've matured, you know?

And also, actually,
to be honest,

the real reason is because
I had a bit of a revelation,

a sort of damascene moment,
if you will.

But, unlike Saul of tarsus, who had his
revelation on the road to Damascus,

I had mine in a pub
in dandenong?

So, for those who don't know,

dandenong is an outer suburb of Melbourne,
Victoria, in Australia.

And I was sitting at this table in this
pub, and a bloke came up to me.

Now, one of the side effects of being
outspoken about religion in public

is that members of the public feel quite
free to be outspoken about religion

back to me in public,

which is totally as it should...

That's totally fine, but I've got quite
good at seeing it coming.

And I could tell this guy
was one of these...

You know, he had a cross
around his neck, to be fair...

But also he just had
that... that... that vibe,

that kind of... that sheen
of redemption.

Anyway, he was lovely.

He was lovely. His name... he told me his
name was Sam and he bought me a beer,

and he was, like, "I've always wanted
to chat to you," and stuff.

And we were having a yarn, but I could
tell all along that he had a story

he wanted to tell that he...
That he wanted to testify

to employ the parlance
of that particular subculture.

So I wasn't surprised
when the story came,

but I was surprised
by the impact it had on me.

Because he told me
about his mum, right?

So, Sam was an only child. Er, is an only
child to a single mother.

And he said
his mum's, like, tough as nails,

never missed a day of work
in her life.

Like, one of
these really strong women.

But, in her early 60s,
she started getting quite...

Quite suddenly having problems
with her eyesight.

So, Sam took her to the gp, and the gp
took one look at... in her eyes and said,

"look, Mrs. Sam, you have a degenerative
eye disorder,

and if you don't get surgery very soon,
you are going to lose your eyesight."

And Sam's mum was left reeling, you know?
She hated the thought of surgery,

never been to hospital,
all that sort of stuff.

Nevertheless, Sam booked her in
to see a specialist,

like, a week hence.

But, meanwhile,
they went to church.

And Sam and his mum,
he told me, are members of

the dandenong pentecostal church
of Jesus Christ

the fishermen
and table tennis champion,

or, you know...

You know, those... these ones.

There's a lot of them
in Australia.

They are the big popular one...
You know,

they're huge modern buildings,

and lots of people go there,
like rock concerts, and

they've always got a band.

You know the ones? And every now and then,
the church puts out an album.

Or a prime minister.

You know the ones. They love money,
but they hate the gays.

No, no. They love the gays,

as long as they don't do
any "gaying".

And yet they have songs
like I feel him inside me.

Down on my knees for Jesus.

Come on my faith.

You know. You know how it is.

So, anyway, they went to church
that Sunday,

and Sam reckons the pastor, who had known
his mum for decades,

got the entire congregation
to pray.

Sam said it was, like, three or four
minutes of just absolute silence,

with some 2,000 people
simultaneously praying,

every single one of them focusing their
prayers on one thing,

on the health of Sam's mum.

And then, when they went to the specialist
the following Wednesday,

the specialist took a look in her eyes and
said, "look, Mrs. Sam.

Your eyes are fine.
They're perfect.

If anything, they look
a bit youthful for your age.

Your vision's 20/20. Go home."

And I think the reason this story had such
an impact on me

is that I am an empiricist,
and a proud empiricist,

and the deal with being
an empiricist

is you must be willing and able to adjust
your pre-existing hypothesis

when new data comes along.

And here I was,
for the first time in my life,

hearing a firsthand account of what can
only be described as a miracle.

I mean, I don't know what else
it could possibly have been.

If I have an apology to make

n I'm afraid I've made
a big mistake

ii I turned my face away
from you, lord

n I was too blind
to see the light

ii I was too meek
to feel your might

n I closed my eyes
[Couldn't see the truth, lord

j'j' but then like Saul
on the Damascus road

n you sent a messenger to me
and so

j'j' now I've had
the truth revealed to me

j'j' please forgive me
all those things isaid

j'j' I'll no longer
betray you, lord

ii I will pray to you instead

j'j' and I will say thank you

n thank you

j'j' thank you, god

n thank you

n thank you

j'j' thank you, god

j'j' thank you, god

n thank you, god for fixing the cataracts
of Sam's mum

Ii I had no idea
but it's suddenly so clear

j'j' now I feel such a cynic
how could I have been so dumb?

J'j' thank you for displaying
how praying works

ii a particular prayer
in a particular church

j'j' thank you, Sam
for the chance

n to acknowledge this
omnipotent ophthalmologist

n thank you, god for fixing the cataracts
of Sam's mum

n I didn't realise
that it was so simple

j'j' but you've shown a great example
of just how it can be done

if you only need to pray
in a particular spot

ii to a particular version
of a particular god

j'j' and if you pull that off
without a hitch

ii he will fix one eye
of one middle class white bitch

J'j' [know in the past
my outlook has been limited

if I couldn't see examples of
where life had been definitive

j'j' but I can admit it
when the evidence is clear

j'j' as clear as Sam's mum's
new cornea

and that's extremely clear!

N thank you, god for fixing the cataracts
of Sam's mum

j'j' I have to admit that in the past
I have been sceptical

j'j' but Sam described this miracle
and I am overcome

j'j' how fitting that the sighting
of a sight-based intervention

n should open my eyes
to this exciting new dimension

n it's like someone put an eye chart
up in front of me

j'j' and the top five letters
say i-c-g-o-d

j'j' thank you, Sam, for showing how my
point of view has been so flawed

j'j' iassumed there was no god at all
but now I see that's cynical

ii it's simply that his interests aren't
particularly broad

n he's largely undiverted
by the starving masses

n the inequality
between the various classes

j'j' he gives out
strictly limited passes

j'j' redeemable for surgery
or two-for-one glasses

n I feel so shocking
for historically mocking ya

j'j' your interests are
clearly confined to the ocular

j'j' ibet given the chance
you'd eschew the divine

j'j' and start a little business
selling contacts online

n fuck me, Sam what are the odds

j'j' that of history's
endless parade of gods

j'j' that the god you just happened to be
taught to believe in

n" is the actual god
and he digs on healing

j'j' but not the aids-ridden
African nations

if the victims of covid
or the flood-addled asians

n but healthy
priva tely-ins ured Australians

j'j' with common and curable
lens degeneration

n this story of Sam's
has but a single explanation

ii a surgical god who digs
on magic operations

n no, it couldn't be mistaken
attribution of causation

j'j' born of a coincidental
temporal correlation

j'j' exacerbated by a general lack
of education

n vis-a-vis physics
in Sam's parish congregation

n it couldn't be that all these pious
people are liars

n it couldn't be an artefact
of confirmation bias

n a product of group think
a mass delusion

ii an emperor's new clothes-style
fear of exclusion

n“ no, it's more likely to be
an all-powerful magician

j'j' than the misdiagnosis
of the initial condition

j'j' or one of many cases
of spontaneous remission

j'j' or a record-keeping glitch
by the local physician

n no, the only explanation
for Sam's mum seeing

j'j' they prayed
to an all-knowing super-being

n to the omnipresent
master of the universe

n and he liked the sound
of their muttered verse

j'j' so for a bit of a change
from his usual stunt

j'j' of being a sexist, racist
murderous...

Audience: Cunt!

Ii he popped down to dandenong
and just like that

j'j' used his powers
to heal the cataracts of

j'j' Sam's mum

j'j' of Sam 's

j'j' mum

j'j' thank you, god

n for fixing the cataracts
of Sam's mum

ii I didn't realise that it was
such a simple thing

ii I feel such a ding-a-ling
what ignorant scum

j'j' now I understand
how prayer can work

ii a particular prayer
in a particular church

n in a particular style
with a particular stuff

j'j' and for particular problems
that aren't particularly tough

j'j' and for particular people
preferably white

j'j' and for particular senses
preferably sight

ii a particular prayer
in a particular spot

ii to a particular version
of a particular god

n and if you get that right

ii he just might

j'j' take a break
from giving babies malaria

j'j' pop down to your local area

j'j' to fix the cataracts of

j'j' your

j'j' mum j'j'

Hey, Shepherd's bush empire!

Let me hear you say, "glossary"!

Audience: Glossary!

Of terms!

Audience: Of terms!

I love my job.

Um...

Right, I'm going to do a song
that's sort of about

the hedonic treadmill, broadly.

But I just want to make sure
everyone's up

with the terminology therein.

Erm, sometimes I wonder why I'm not like a
proper rock star on the radio.

And then I think, "yeah,
I've got a glossary of terms."

So, everyone know what Botox is?

- Audience: Yeah!
- Good. Botox, just for clarity,

Botox is a portmanteau
for botulinum toxin,

which is a toxin you put under your skin
to try and keep yourself looking young.

Interestingly, it's often used
by the same sort of people

who'll spend a lot of time
checking that their food

doesn't have
too many preservatives.

You know, the sort of people who'll go and
spend a lot of money on a detox.

And then on their way out,
they'll get Botox.

As if the paralysis
in their eyebrows

diminishes their capacity
for irony.

You need eyebrows for irony.

That's why seagulls
are so literal.

All right. All right.

Is that your speed?

It's a pity that's the only joke
I've ever written.

Um...

Er, subway, you'll know
what subway is?

Their sandwiches come
in foot-longs and six inches.

Viagra is a drug
that usually, erm,

elderly gentlemen take
to try and encourage

their six inches
to become foot longs.

Um...

Oh, at one point during the song, I quote
the great Kurt vonnegut

from his seminal text
slaughterhouse-five.

In that story, there's an alien race
called the tralfamodorians

who look like hands
with eyes on their palms.

And when someone
in their culture dies,

they say, "so it goes."
And I use that quote.

"So it goes," is just one of those...
It's very vonnegutian.

So, that's what he's known for,
this sort of simple wisdom.

I guess it's just
an acquiescence to fate.

If fate was real,
which it's not.

1994 was a year.

It's a year, right?

In this song, I refer to it
by its colloquial name, '94.

It was a fucking good year.

Sarah and I were in the
second year at uni,

and we just spent the whole year, like,
bunking out of lectures

and eating burger king, And
fingering stuff,

erm, each other.

People, friends,
each other mostly.

Uh...

It was a good year for music, too,
moving right along.

It was a good year for music.

Er, soundgarden put out...

M“ black hole sun won't you come

j'j' to wash away the rain? J'j'

And Pearl jam put out...

N“ I can't find a better man j'j'

Everyone sung like this
in 1994 for some reason.

Oh! Ace of base put out...

J'j' I saw the
sign and it opened up my j'j'

it's scandi, though,
so it's different.

It was also... the year '94
was the year that,

as part of my English course,

I did a one-semester unit
called English theory,

which is like an introduction to
post-modernism and post-modern relativism,

like foucault
and all those guys,

the beginnings of what
we now call “critical theory...

And I fucking hated it!

I thought,
“what a load of shit."

I thought, "thank god these ideas will
slip away quietly."

I remember thinking,
"wow, imagine if,

30 years from now, we lived in a
post-modern relativistic hellscape

where feelings were more important
than data, and,

you know, interpretation was more
important than intention,

and the enlightenment and the scientific
method were shrugged off as projects

of the white patriarchy.

You woke little shits!

I'm sorry. No... sorry.

No, no, I'm not going
to go... this...

I... I know I just lost
a quarter of my audience.

I know. I know “woke"
is a dog-whistle word

of the alt-right and stuff.

So, don't worry,
we're all still going...

We still want the same things.

We're on the... we're still politically
aligned, broadly, I'm sure.

It's just that some of us
are a bit worried

about the unintended
consequences of...

Which is to say, if you think

the only sort of
acceptable outcome is utopia

and the only acceptable
time scale is "immediately",

history would suggest you're going to do
more harm than good. Anyway, right!

Good. Uh...

So, what else? Speaking of
getting into trouble...

When I put this song out on my record,
I got into trouble

from, like, parent advocacy groups
who contacted me online.

They were quite cross,
because, at one point,

I talk about putting your kids
on drugs for adhd and anxiety,

and they said, "you shouldn't shame people
for medicating their kids!"

And I was, like, "you fuck.
If you came to my house,

you wouldn't think I'm ashamed
of medicating kids

If I can feed it to
'em like jelly babies."

Ah! Do you know the best thing?

Honestly, if my daughter
runs out of her meds,

I can literally give her
some of the dog's.

Same drug. Same dose.

Mammals is mammals, bitches.
Yeah, babe.

N“ I wrote this song
on an airport piano

n I was the guy disturbing
your journey from security

ii to gate 23a

n maybe you noticed me

n“ I wrote this song
'cause I had a spare hour

n I was delayed trying to
get back to my babies

n in Sydney

j'j' and I noticed the keys
so I'm writing this song

j'j' women in SUV porsches
always look miserable

ii I don't know why
they're so sad

j'j' maybe it's the calories
they could've had

j'j' filling them up with regret

n and men in cafes
in ski resorts

j'j' trying to connect
with their sons

j'j' look like
they just want to hit 'em

j'j' I mean, I'm sure that they dig 'em
underneath all the gear

n a young man in air Jordans

j'j' just left me five dollars
on the piano

n what do you know?

J'j' always hated
those airport pianos

ii there should be a law saying playing
the theme from "Beverly Hills cop"

j'j' will get one of your hands
chopped off

n“ I wrote this song
on an airport piano

j'j' I'm out of time, I just need one more
little rhyme I gotta board that plane

vocalists: J'j' ooh

-j'j' they're calling my name
so I'm writing this song -j'j' singin'

j'j' women in SUV porsches
always look miserable

- j“j' or is it only the Botox?
- J'j' is it only the Botox?

N they stick in their face to keep their
looks from slipping

j'j' they're kicking the can
down the road

j'j' and men in mansions
on cul-de-sacs

j'j' having their midlife affairs
with the wife of a banker

-j'j' with the wife of a banker -j'j' while
the banker is banging Bianca

j'j' but sadly
they're still gonna die

n a guy buying subway

j'j' anxiously digs
through his cabin bag

n smiles when his wallet
is found

-j'j' pays for his six-inch
-j'j' six-inch

m“ then forgets that his bag
is unzipped

if so the contents of it
is disgorged

and a jar of Viagra
spills onto the ground

Guitarist: N so it goes

j'j' women in SUV porsches
always look miserable

-j“j' and I know why they're so sad
-j'j' why they're so sad

n they thought they'd be happier than
they were in their fords

j'j' now they're bored of their porsches
and they're looking for more

j'j' they're out there shopping
for more

j'j' and their husband's so fat
in his new lycra shorts

n trying to pedal his way
back to '94

j'j' trying to wind back
the clock to before

ii to before they had this boat
and this house

j'j' and this buy-to-let mortgage

ii to before they had bought

n" all the things
that they thought

j'j' would fill up the hole
but the goal keeps receding

j'j' and his hair is receding

j'j' there's this book he's been reading
for six months

j'j' but the words just swim
'round the pages

j'j' and, god, it's been ages
since they made love

j'j' and their kids are on drugs
with their adhd

j'j' and their anxiety
and their music is shit

j'j' and the time just keeps
slipping away

j'j' and I'm sitting here playing
and singing

n and they're calling my name

j'j' 'cause your flight's gotta go
when your flight's gotta go

j'j' and I wrote this song
on an airport piano

So, confirmation bias
is a, um...

Human tendency...

This is a short Ted talk,

and then we'll get back
to the show.

Er, confirmation bias
is a human bias towards

information that confirms our pre-existing
beliefs or hypotheses, right?

So if there's this information out in the
world, you know, a bit of data or an idea,

we're much more likely to notice it in the
first place, and subsequently

accept it, believe it, you know, integrate
it into our belief system

if it confirms
what we already think.

In contrast, if there's
a bit of information or data

or an idea out there in the world that
disconfirms something we think,

we're incredibly good
at just not noticing it.

Or if someone, like, shoves it
in front of our faces,

we have all these neuropsychological
tricks we play on ourselves

to resolve the resultant
cognitive dissonance.

You know? We will do anything

but the intellectual
heavy-lifting

required to change our minds.

So, a working example, right?

Imagine you're driving along
in a car through west London,

and you have
a pre-existing belief

that Asian women
are bad drivers, right?

So you're driving along, and someone pulls
out in front of you

and you have to slam
on the brakes.

You think,
“oh, for fuck's sake!"

And as they drive away,
you notice that the driver

is a female Asian person,
and you go, "aha! I knew it!"

And you take that data point,
and you put in your pocket

with the two other times that's ever
happened in your whole life,

meanwhile discarding
the 20 or 30 times

a white Van's driven out in front of you,
because you think,

"oh, well, they've got bad blind spots
and they're always in a hurry

with their deliveries
or whatever."

And that white Van driver
might have a pre-existing belief

that muslims, all muslims,
are islamist terrorists,

because the only time he ever really
notices the word "Muslim"

is when it's in 180-font,
bold lettering

next to the word "terrorists"
in a red-top newspaper,

when some dickhead Muslim
does a bomb.

But, meanwhile, he's disregarded the fact
that the London mayor's a Muslim,

or the holder of
the 10,000-metre world record,

or the head of the bma,
or whatever.

And that Muslim person
might have a belief

that atheists are amoral,
or less altruistic,

because the only time they ever think
about morality or altruism

is within the confines
of their faith, at the mosque.

And so on and so forth.

And this is why,
throughout history,

human beings have always been
terrible people.

Because we are very bad
at changing our minds.

But then, like, 25, 30 years
ago, along comes the Internet

and, a little bit later,
search engine algorithms.

A bit after that,
social media algorithms.

And everything gets a lot worse.

Because social media
and search engines

are, basically,
confirmation bias robots.

Like, if you set out to create an ai

that did the same error that confirmation
bias does,

that sends you further down
the path you're already down,

that makes your thinking
more and more binary,

you could barely do better
than the combination

of search engines
and social media.

And it doesn't matter if... you don't have
to start with bad intent.

You know, you could just be a moderate
republican sitting in Idaho or Iowa,

and one day, you go to Google
and say,

"hello, Google, are the democrats trying
to erode my second amendment rights?"

And five clicks later,
you're, like,

"oh, so, right. Hillary Clinton
and Joe Biden are lizards.

The, uh..."

"Lizard people down
from a lizard planet,

that have come to earth
to start a small business,

trafficking child sex slaves, out of the
basement of a pizzeria."

Or you could be, like,
a lovely sort of hippie

from the southwest of england,

and you type into Google
one day, um,

“mindfulness yoga retreat,
Devon"

and five clicks later
you're, like,

"oh, wow, I didn't know
they're using 5g towers

to spread a synthesised
novel coronavirus,

so that Bill Gates
can use fake vaccines

to inject microchips
into our bloodstream

so he can track us
wherever we go."

As if all Bill Gates ever wanted
was to find out where to get

the best gluten-free
banana bread in totnes.

And all of this, all of this,

both the confirmation bias
and its algorithmic equivalent,

it all just plays
into our tribalism, right?

Because we're tribal, sapiens,
we love a tribe.

Nationhood is a tribe, you know?

“England's better than France!

Fuck Europe! Yay, england!"

And, you know, a city
is a community, is a tribe.

"Oh, London's better
than Paris," or whoever.

And, you know,
sports teams are a tribe.

"My sports team's better!"
Churches are a tribe.

“My church is best."

Churches are just sports teams,

but with mascots who can fly.

The point being it's always been

sociologically and evolutionarily
advantageous

for sapiens to retain the behaviours
of their in-group,

to retain the beliefs
of their tribe.

But ever since the Internet,
since algorithmic editing,

it is a fact,
not just an instinct,

these tribes are getting
further and further apart.

We're getting more
and more binary,

and the walls around our belief systems,
around the suite of beliefs

that we are required to hold,

if we're to retain membership
of our tribe...

The walls around them are getting thicker
and thicker, and harder to penetrate.

And it doesn't even matter

if the beliefs within your suite of
beliefs are internally consistent.

They never are, like...
Oh, fuck.

I've lived in america
for four years,

and if you want to be
a right-wing conservative,

you have to concurrently
hold the following beliefs.

You have to believe that
Jesus is love,

and lives in your heart...

And that people should have unfettered
access to semi-automatic weapons.

If Jesus came back today,
he would be fucking baffled

by traffic lights...

And zips...

M&M's, cricket bats,

women who can read and write.

It would be a fucking tough time for
Jesus. -

But, honestly, if you want to be a
conservative Christian in america,

you have to believe
that a first-century

wandering mystic, preacher,
who died 2,000 years ago,

came back to life and took up residence
in one of your ventricles.

Presumably. I think that's the one
with more headroom.

And you have to believe
that a person,

regardless of mental health issues
or background checks,

should be able to walk into a supermarket
and buy a gun,

that is literally designed to kill as many
people as possible

in the shortest space of time.

You have to believe that coal
shouldn't be in the ground.

"You get that coal out.

Moses said, 'thou shalt
de-sequester that carbon,

put it in the sky
with the angels."

And you have to
hate black people

who kneel at football matches.

“You get off
your knees, boy! Your knees is for church,

or... or blowjobs."

And you can't...
You're not allowed to lie.

"I'll smash you,
fascist! Fucking fascist!"

And you hate... you
have to hate Vaccines.

"You don't take
that astrazeneca!

Don't take that moderna!
That's big pharma.

Big pharmaceutical companies trying to
make money off of you."

"We take ivermectin,

'cause ivermectin
is made by fucking elves."

And... you have to hate dick.

"You're not allowed dick,

if you don't... well, you can like dick
if you don't got a dick.

But if you got a dick,
and you like a dick,

that dicky on dicky
make the baby Jesus feel icky."

And that's your...
That's your beliefs,

because you're a conservative
and you conserve.

And then over here is us mob,
the progressives,

I presume we are here tonight,
broadly speaking.

Progressives. If you are a right-wing
conservative Christian,

and you stumbled in here tonight,
expecting the hits of Matilda,

I can only say you are welcome.

This is a broad church.

And I hope that at some point
during the evening

I manage to penetrate you.

Erm, but us progressives, right?

So progressives, statistically, have a
higher level of education, a little bit.

Now, on average, we're a bit more
educated, but are we kinder?

Are we? Fuck!

Because modern
progressives have decided that

the way we're going to
progress forward into a future

of more empathy and understanding
for more and more people

is to shout,
"fascist! Evil fascist!"

At anyone on, like,
that side of the line.

And then turn to someone
inside their own bubble

and see if they have a belief that
diverges from their own, like, one degree,

and then call them out, publicly shame
them on the Internet,

"oh, my god, I can't believe you posted a
photo of your pedicure

when we're meant to be
posting black squares.

You're not anti-racist.

That means you're racially part of the
white supremacy."

And this person, of course,
they're now in another bubble

and, human nature
being human nature,

they're defining themselves
in opposition to those mob,

and then they find someone
in their bubble

who has a belief that diverges
from their own, one degree...

"I can't believe you still follow j. K.
Rowling on Twitter."

"I can't believe you said,
'not all men.“'

"I can't believe you used the f slur in
your song."

Until the whole fucking
progressive movement's

just bubbles, within bubbles,
within bubbles,

like a fucking aero bar.

Like an aero bar snake

eating its own fucking tail
like an aero ouroboros,

going... On its own tail

and going, "this is disgusting!“
Because it's choc-mint,

the aero, like,

it's, like,
"oh, yuck! Choc-mint!

Who puts mint and herbs in chocolate,
nestle? You fucksticks!"

I got a little bit lost
a little way back there, but...

Oh! No, you know... I know! Oh, yeah. And
don't do this. Fuck.

I need
a shot of Tequila, please.

Erm, and, uh...

If you're a progressive... I'll get it...
I'll get it off you in a minute.

If you're a progressive,
don't do this.

Don't go
onto the Internet and go,

"hey, fellow progressives.

Like, maybe we should consider
having, you know, a little...

Just chill out a bit
and have a bit of humility

and realise that not everyone's had the
opportunity to read the books we've read.

And not everyone's, you know, learned the
lessons that you've learned.

Maybe we should apply
the principle of charity

and not assume that anyone who disagrees
with us has nefarious intent,

and try and hear the best version of their
argument, not the worst.

And maybe we just need
to take..."

"Don't you police my tone, you straight
white male! -

Check your privilege!"

And I go, "fuck!
You're absolutely right.

I'm sorry.
I'll check my privilege."

So I go and check my privilege,
which I keep in my library,

on a mahogany shelf,

in between my BMW keys and a large fortnum
& Mason's tin of fifty dollar notes.

And I come back and I say,
"I checked my privilege

and you're still fucking wrong,
because..." -

Because...

Because...

Because... because it cannot be, it can't.
It can't.

It cannot...

It cannot be, can it,
if the inten...

If the intention
of progressives,

which I assume is...

Is to progress forward
into a future,

of more empathy
and understanding

for more and more people,

it cannot be, can it,
that the primary mechanism

by which we're going to make
that progress,

is the suppression
of empathy and understanding

for anyone who doesn't align
with our beliefs?

It cannot be that unmitigated expression
of furious outrage

will somehow alchemise
into a future of peace and love.

And, of course, there's something to be
discussed about the justification of it.

Of course, there's many,
many reasons

to be righteously furious.

I'm a straight white
cisgendered male,

and I could be furious about 700 things
before any given breakfast,

but it doesn't fucking matter
if it's not helping.

And it's not helping that the tribes are
getting further and further apart,

and then... the point is, it's very hard
to change people's minds.

But... we got there.

But it is not impossible.

However, one thing is
a hundred percent certain.

If you told someone
that they're a fascist,

and publicly shame them on the Internet
for what they believe,

you've lost 'em.

You have prioritised your need
to express your outrage.

And if we're honest, more often than not,
signal your virtue

over the possibility that you could
utilise your educational privilege

to reach across
this algorithmic chasm.

And if you're
sitting there thinking,

"this is a bit rich
coming from you, minchin.

You've literally made a living

getting on stage
for two hours a night

and shouting whatever comes
into your fat ginger head, “

I'll say to you, "that is
because I am a hypocrite."

And also, to be fair, I have spent...
Thank you, Jimmy.

I have spent many years
working very hard...

I'll need a broom, Jimmy.

I have spent many years
working very hard,

and I have become adept

at lazy double entendres,
and fingering.

N by now we thought that
there would be

j'j' jetpacks and flying cars

n robots to do
the cleaning up for us

-j'j' and help with the shopping
-vocalists: N help with the shopping

m“ we 'd all be famous for a bit

j'j' that's what Andy warhol said

j'j' thought we'd all get
our coloured heads

j'j' well, the truth
would rock him

n he would be surprised

ii to wake up and find

n that we have weaponised

m humiliation

n in the future, everyone

j'j' everyone will have

-j'j' fifteen minutes fifteen minutes of
shame -j'j' shame

j'j' fifteen minutes where they
are unforgivable

u pick up your pitchfork
and your torch

j'j' we'll go hunt
the monster down

J'j' but keep an eye out
for uneven ground

j'j' we'll turn on you
if you stumble

n don't need perspective
or a heart

j'j' leave humility at home

j'j' welcome to the glasshouse
hope you brought your stones

n are you ready to rumble?

Ii I am scared to write

ii anything that might
upset my own tribe

j'j' but never mind, 'cause

-j'j' in the future, everyone
-j'j' in the future

j'j' everyone will have

-j'j' uh-oh
-j'j' fifteen minutes

j'j' uh-oh

-j'j' fifteen minutes of shame
-j'j' shame

j'j' fifteen minutes where they

j'j' are unforgivable

j'j' irredeemable

-j'j' lnexcusable scum
-j'j' scum, scum

j'j' fit only to be strung up
in the village square

ii I will see you there

-j'j' I am scared to say
-j'j' aw!

J'j' anything that may

j'j' be taken the wrong way

j'j' but fuck it, baby

n in the future, everyone

j'j' everyone will have

j'j' uh-oh

-j'j' fifteen minutes, yeah
-j'j' uh-oh

-j'j' fifteen minutes of shame
-j'j' shame

j'j' fifteen minutes where they

j'j' are unforgivable

j'j' uh-oh, 15 minutes

-j'j' uh-oh
-j'j' fifteen minutes of shame

j'j' fifteen minutes where they
are unforgivable

j'j' irredeemable

j'j' lnexcusable scum
unforgivable

j'j' irredeemable scum

n lnexcusable

j'j' unforgivable scum!

J'j' shame, shame, shame

-j'j' fifteen minutes of shame, shame
-j'j' shame, shame

-j'j' shame n shame, shame

j'j' fifteen minutes

j'j' shame, shame, shame

j'j' fifteen minutes of shame

-j'j' shame, shame, shame j'j'
-j'j' shame j'j'

Shame! Shame!

I think, um...

I mean, when I do...
When I sort of rant on a bit,

I'm mostly lecturing myself,
you know,

because I'm susceptible
to this shit.

It's very easy when you read
some opinion on the Internet

that someone has
that differs from your own,

to assume that they are in
a completely different tribe,

you know, and to sort of
discard them.

And so, to that end,
I just want to clarify.

I wouldn't want to
be misconstrued.

Erm, I don't want anyone
walking out of here

thinking I actually hate aero bars a lot.
I think they're...

I think they're fine.

I just missed the opportunity

to make a joke
about sweeping statements.

I'm so fucking angry.

I'm so furious with myself.

Er, no, there's no getting...

Even with the...
We could pretend.

Well, let's pretend. I'll do it.

And you guys laugh
as if you didn't know.

You know, when someone on the Internet
makes... oh, fuck it, it's gone.

It's gone. Fuck... it's... -

Oh, god! Fuck!

Um... but if I'd done that, you would've
thought, "oh, it was all a setup."

Erm, nothing...
Nothing is a fucking set up.

Um...

In the '903, aero bar, in Australia,
had one of the best

sort of straplines...
One of the best slogans

of any advertising
I've ever seen.

It was, erm, "aero bar, it's the bubbles
of nothing that make it really something,"

which I just thought was a...

Really, there's something very beautiful,
rhythmic, about that,

as well as conceptual.

I thought about it a lot and...

And it sort of dovetails into something in
visual arts that I don't quite understand.

You know, they talk about
negative space,

and the importance
of negative space.

You know, "the sculpture's
already in the rock.

The artist just needs to know
which bits to remove and..."

Anyway. On this pretentious line
of thinking, I...

I wrote a song last year
called the absence of you,

which kind of explores this idea...

Oh, good, good, that's four...
That's who bought my album.

I was wondering. Um...

It explores this idea
that the absence of someone

can sort of have more presence
than the present.

And, erm, I didn't think it
was particularly

a standout song on the album.

It's a, erm...
It's a silly thing.

But, erm, in the last two years,

or the year
since the album came out,

I've got more feedback about that song
than any other on the record.

And I think it's because, obviously, in
the last couple of years,

a lot of people
have lost people,

and those who haven't, have...

Most of us have been
trapped away from people

we don't want to be
trapped away from, erm...

So, we're going to play it
for you.

I think what I'm saying is, er,

like, the 5,000 or 10,000 extra hits on
YouTube that this song got

because of the pandemic,

arguably make it worth it.

Who knows what this new variant
will add to my career.

I mean...

My... I don't know.

Anyone got a train to catch?
Here we go.

N" I take a walk on the seine

m“ cross Pont Neuf on my way
to Saint germain

j'j' love-hearts on padlocks
on wire in the mist

j'j' where young lovers kiss
and swear to be true

n echoes of 10,000 sighs of love

n and yet I feel only
the absence of you

n out of a window
on the 30th floor

n" central park shines
with the coming of dawn

j'j' through eyes rendered weary
by jetlag and wine

n“ I turn round to find
there's a girl in my room

m for a moment we kiss
but her vodka-soaked lips

j'j' taste only
of the absence of you

ni

J'j' don't know

n what all of this means

n if you are not here with me

j'j' and

ni

N am lost

j'j' when we are apart
there's a hole in my heart

n“ the light passes through

j'j' and the pattern it creates

n" is the shape
of the absence of you

j'j' spring has been found
hanging 'round soho square

j'j' so I'll take my coffee
and newspaper there

j'j' to bask in
the not-warm-enough April sun

j'j' with the workers who come
to eat pret with no shoes

j'j' but the grass to the side
of the patch where I'm lying

n is flat with the absence
of you

Ni

J'j' don't know

j'j' what all this is for

if if you are not near to me

j'j' and I

j'j' can't sleep

j'j' sleep is no fun
when the unruly sun

j'j' will reveal the truth

n a space in my bed
as cold as the dead

j'j' exactly the size and the shape
of the absence of...

N you

j'j' and all of this beauty
runs over and through me

j'j' and pools 'round my shoes

j'j' and the puddle it forms

j'j' conforms to the shape
of the absence of

n you if

Oh, yes, so, during one of the periods
of openness in Australia,

Sarah and I took a weekend trip.

We never do this stuff, but we decided
we'd fly down to Melbourne from Sydney

and we just left the kids,
erm, tied to the dog.

And we got a hotel
and we saw some friends,

but mostly we just hung out.

And on the Sunday morning,
we just, like, slept in

and then we got room service, breakfast,
and we're lying on this lovely bed,

and Sarah put the telly on
and it was video hits,

and we were lying there watching video
hits. It was wicked.

Uh, and then this song that had been a
massive hit when we lived in la came on.

It's by John Mayer, and it's called
your body is a wonderland.

It has a really great pop tune.
It goes...

N your body is a wonderland n

and, I've never seen
the music video,

but John Mayer's, like, 6'6"
and ridiculously handsome.

In the music video, he's, like, in his
loft apartment

on his linen couch,
with his chinos.

And he's, like, playing
his acoustic, and he's, like,

N your body is a wonderland n

and, the only other person in the music
video is this woman,

who's, obviously... who represents
the object of his affections,

and herjob is to wander around
in, like, a business shirt,

and undies, and Jeans sometimes,

and just look really,
really pleased

that John Mayer has assessed
her body to be "wonderland-ish".

Anyway, all of this
made me feel quite amorous,

and so I turned to Sarah
and I went,

"that's how I feel
about you, babe.

I feel like your body
is a wonderland."

And she went...

"It sounds like a theme park."

And so, at that point,
I just had to double down.

You know, I was, like, "yeah, yeah, that's
how I feel about your body.

You know, I think your body is like a
theme park called wonderland.

Your body is like a theme park
called wonderland

that I first visited
27 years ago

and I had the best time, and...

And now I've been visiting
the same theme park

for the best part of 30 years and...

There's never been
any renovations...

Or new rides put in,

eventhough a couple of years ago

a few kids came along and vandalised
the water slide...

And Sarah did not react like the girl in
the music video at all!

She had
a very different reaction.

She said, "well, Tim, your body is not
like, and never has been,

like a theme park.

Your body is like one of those miniature
ride-on, coin-operated,

fibreglass,
Thomas the tank engines,

that you find outside
ill-stop shops by motorways

that you put 50p into,

and get 45 seconds to a minute
of repetitive jutting motions."

She said, "you're just like one of those
ride-on Thomas the tank engines,

because half the people ever ridden on you
ended up in tears."

She said, "you'd be exactly like one of
those ride-on Thomas the tank engines

if the ride-on
Thomas the tank engine

was covered in little ginger hairs.

One of which always gets stuck
in the back of your throat,

just as the thing comes
mercifully to an end."

I fucking hate John Mayer.

Please welcome,
on the saxophone,

Tom Richards!

On the trumpet, Rory Simmons!

Yeah, right.

On this slide trombone,
Emma "baby" bassett!

On the drums, Mr. Bradley webb!

On the piano...

That's my only otherjoke,
that, that and the seagulls.

Jak housden!

On the... oh, I'm sorry,
you were still moving.

On the bass-a-iele is Pete clements!

Beautiful. Beautiful.

And on the guiro,
which is a primary instrument,

Sarah belkner!

I'm sure you'll be pleased to know you get
to go to interval after this.

I promise the second act
isn't quite as long.

Here we go!

This is a song I, erm...
I wrote for Sarah.

She does not like it.

N“ if I didn't have you
to hold me tight

vocalists:
N“ if I didn't have you

n“ if I didn't have you
to lie with at night

j'j' when I'm feelin' blue

-j'j' if I didn't have you to share
my sighs -j'j' share my sighs

j'j' and to kiss me
and dry my tears when I cry

ii well, I

all: J'j' really think
that I would have somebody else

N“ if I didn't have you
someone else would do

-j'j' your love is one in a million
-j'j' one in a million

n you couldn't buy it
at any price

j'j' can't buy love

ii but of the nine-point nine-nine-nine
hundred thousand other possible loves

j'j' statistically some of them
would be equally nice

j'j' or maybe not as nice

n but say smarter than you

j'j' or dumber but better at sports
or reverse parking

j'j' I'm just saying I...

N” I think I'd probably

all: J'j' have somebody else

n“ if I didn't have you
someone else would do

-j'j' someone else would surely do
-j'j' if I were a rich man

j'j' diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle
diddle-diddle-diddle-Dee

ii I guess I would be
with a surgeon or a model

n or a rellie of the royals
or a Kennedy

j'j' or a nymphomaniacal exhibitionist
heiress to a large chain of hotels

n if I were a rich man
maybe I would fiddle

j'j' fiddle-diddle-diddle
with them rich man girls

n I'm not saying that I'd not love you
if I were wealthy or handsome

n but realistically there's lots of fish
in the sea

j'j' and if I had a different rod
I would conceivably land some

n even though I am fiscally
consistently pitiable

j'j' and considerably less Brad Pitt
than "Brad pitiful"

n am I really so poor and ugly

j'j' that you think only you
could possibly love me?

-J'j' and I, I think I 'd probably
-j'j' I think that I would

j'j' have somebody else

n“ if I didn't have you
someone else would do

j'j' someone else would surely do

j'j' and look I'm not undervaluing
what we've got

j'j' when [say that given the role
chaos inevitably plays

j'j' and the inherently
flawed notion of fate

n it's abstruse to deduce I found my soul
mate at the age of 17

n it's just mathematically unlikely that
at a university in Perth

ii I happened to stumble
on the one girl on earth

j'j' specifically designed for me

j'j' and if I may conjecture
a further objection

j'j' love is nothing to do
with destined perfection

n the connection is strengthened

ii the affection simply grows
over time

j'j' like a flower or a mushroom

j'j' or a Guinea pig, or a vine

j'j' or a sponge or bigotry, or...

- Melons?
- Cancer?

J'j' banana

j'j' and love is made
more powerful

n by the ongoing drama
of shared experience

n and the synergy
of a kind of symbiotic empathy

j'j' or some shit like that

j'j' so I trust it goes without saying that
I would feel really very sad

n if tomorrow you were to fall off
something high or catch something bad

j'j' but I'm just saying
I don't think you're special

J'j' I mean, obviously
I think you're special

j'j' but you fall within
a bell curve

J'j' I mean I'm just saying, I

-j'j' I think I 'd probably
-j'j' have somebody else

okay. Look...

Ii I think you are unique
and beautiful

n" you make me happy
just by being around

j'j' but objectively

n you would have to agree
that, baby, when I found you

j'j' options were relatively thin
on the ground...

N you're lovely but there
must be girls as lovely as you

j'j' and maybe more open
to spanking or table tennis

n" I'm just saying, I
I think I'd probably...

J'j' have somebody else

n“ I just reckon it's pretty likely
that if, for example

j'j' my first girlfriend, Jackie
hadn't dumped me

n after I kissed
Winston's ex-girlfriend Nia

j'j' at Steph's party
back in 1993

n enough variables would probably have
been altered

n by the absence of that event

n to have meant the advent

j'j' of a tangential narrative
in which we don't meet

j'j' which is to say that there exists a
theoretical hypothetical, parallel life

n where what is is not as it is

j'j' and I'm not your husband
and you are not my wife

n and I am a stuntman
living in Prague

j'j' married to a small blonde
Portuguese skier

j'j' who, when she's not training
does abstract paintings

j'j' practices yoga
and brews her own beer

and really likes making home movies
and suffers neck-down alopecia

N sub thoracic...

J'j' hair loss...

J'j' but with all my heart
and all my mind

j'j' [know one thing is true

n I have just one life
and just one love

j'j' and my love, that love is you

n and if I didn't have you

j'j' darling, you

n I think I 'd almost definitely
have somebody else

N“ if I didn't have you

j'j' Scooby-doo
someone else can surely j'j'

n doobie-doobie
doobie-doobie-do j'j'

Get on the stage.
Get on the stage.

You lazy fucks.

Good interval?

- I just realised I don't have shoes on.
- Sweet.

Woman: I love you, Tim!

Tim: Oh! Thanks.

I feel... I feel strongly
about you, too,

but it's...

Very much based on
a vocal thing.

So, if we're going to
take it further...

I don't want
to seem superficial,

but if we're going to take it further,
I'd have to see you.

But I...

I certainly appreciate, erm, putting
yourself out there like that.

She loves me.

The holocaust! Right.

Um...

Smooth segue. I'm known for it.

Then, I just want to tell you
a true story about my, er,

my wife's maternal grandmother.

So, Sarah's mum's mum,

er, escaped out of
Nazi-threatened Poland

in the spring of 1939. Right?

So, about the last possible moment
you could get out

as the Germans and the Russians
were closing in.

She escaped.

And when she escaped
she was 19 years old,

and eight months pregnant
with my wife's mother,

which is an extraordinary story
in itself, of course.

But I learned recently,
and I feel foolish about this,

'cause I should have known,
'cause it's pretty simple stuff.

But did you know that,
erm, female mammals,

like half of you mob-ish,

are born with all the eggs they're ever
going to have already on board.

Do you know... you know this,
like, obviously.

So, the female mammals, all the ova
they're ever going to have,

are already in their ovaries,
when they come out.

An average is, like, 400,000
or something,

which means that my wife,
who's my age,

escaped out of Nazi-threatened Poland...

In the spring of 1939,

hidden...

With some 400,000 others

inside the ovary of a negative
one-month-old female mammal, who, in turn,

was curled up tight
inside the uterus,

inside the distended belly,

of a petite 19-year—old
Polish woman.

And Anne frank...

Fucking Anne frank...

She's all like,
"oh, it's so cramped."

Kids, eh?

It's okay. I'm allowed
to do holocaust jokes.

Some of my best friends
are Nazis.

You can get in trouble,
though, these days.

I... fuck... I did a, er,
like, a fundraiser for a friend

in a little venue
in Sydney a while back,

and I did this whole joke
about 9/11,

and, afterwards, this woman
came up to me and said,

"I just need you to know
that my aunt was in 9111.“

and I said to her, "I'm so sorry.
I'll work her into it."

None of that's true!
Welcome back to the second act!

Shepherd's bush empire,
let me hear you say, “glossary"!

Audience: Glossary!

- "Of terms!"
- Audience: Of terms!

One, two, three, four!

These er...
Like, this horn section,

two of them are, like, proper,
high-level jazz musicians,

and baby's, like, a high-level
classical trombonist.

And the great thing
about working...

And Tom, who just did...

He's, like, literally,
he's a professor at Oxford.

And the great thing about working with

such incredible jazz musicians
is that, honestly,

you pay the minimum wage and they'll do
any... they'll just do anything.

- -Do whatever you...
- Do whatever you want them to.

Right. So this song is
about, erm, Los Angeles.

So, in Los Angeles,
when we lived in Los Angeles,

we lived near a place
called Griffith park,

and it's famous
for a few reasons. One...

On the far West Side of Griffith park
is the Hollywood sign.

Obviously, which is
quite famous.

Erm, near where we lived is
also the Griffith observatory,

which is this beautiful art deco
astronomical observatory,

and right near our house is another place
in Griffith park

called Bronson caves,
which is just an old quarry,

but some of the quarry activities
left these caves,

and one of them's
quite well known in Hollywood

for being the exterior
of the "batcave",

in the 1966 original TV show
with Adam west.

Does anyone remember that?

You know, the really... the super-camp one
with all the innuendos?

Like, all the kind of
cheeky, sexy jokes... with a...

It strikes me that it's possible that
there weren't any sexy jokes,

but I just thought there were.

But that's okay, because I have

a deep-held philosophical belief
that I would rather die

having seen filth
where it wasn't intended...

Than die having missed a single double
entendre that was.

It's just I feel
strongly about that.

Erm... yeah. Febreze?

We have febreze
in the UK, right?

Yeah, it's an air freshener
that's popular in america.

Ucb is upright citizens brigade.

Erm, upright citizens brigade
are a famous improv troupe

in Chicago and New York
and Los Angeles.

Erm, you kids know
the word "ennui"?

Ennui is a French word.
It means boredom,

but in English it tends
to be used, like, by wankers,

for, like, a sense of depression

that you get from stasis,
basically.

If you're a proper wanker, you might try
and put it in a song.

Erm...

Hollywood and vine
is an intersection.

Vine street
and Hollywood boulevard.

And on that corner is where
all the tourists hang out

and you'll often find a dude,
like, dressed as elmo,

who will charge you 15 bucks
for a photo,

so that he can afford to buy
the meth that he has to buy

to make himself feel better, for the fact
that he dresses as elmo.

It's a vicious
sesame street spiral.

Lax is their airport.
You know that, yeah.

There's a vegan restaurant
in Hollywood called gratitude.

It's really good food. I...

I'm not a vegan myself, but I like going
to vegan restaurants,

the food can be really,
really great,

but they manage always to be incredibly
annoying in other ways.

Like, there's a vegan restaurant
near where I grew up

in cottesloe in west Australia,
and the food's fantastic,

but they've always got incense burning,
and there's, like, dream catchers,

and, like, four nights a week,
they have a sitar player.

You're just, like,
"for fuck's sake.

I just wanted, for one night, to eat a
meal without harming a sentient being.

And I'm having to resist
the urge to tear the spleen

out of that white,
dreadlocked motherfucker."

Anyway, that's nothing
compared to gratitude in Hollywood.

You're going to fucking die.

At gratitude in Hollywood, all the menu
items, all the meals,

are adjectives.

Fuck! I...

Honestly, like, the meals are
called things like "adoring"

and "thriving" and "gracious".

And, no, no, no, fuck, I mean, I know it's
appalling, but that's only half of it.

This is where it gets
really fucked up.

At the... At the top
of the menu, it says,

"when your waitperson comes
to your table,

please order by saying,

'i am dot, dot, dot,"
followed by your dish of choice.

Cunts.

That is not fucking okay.

And then some anaemic waiter will

drag himself to the kitchen and go, “he's
thriving,"

and he'll come back
with some fucking bean curd.

I hate them.

I know. I understand that,
very soon,

it's going to just simply...
Like, laughing at vegans,

it's just not going to be,
like, funny any more.

It's just not quite yet.

Fucking vegans.

Making a personal sacrifice
for the sake of the planet.

Who do they think they are?

Arseholes.

For clarity, subtextually,
it's myself I hate.

Right, okay. Erm...

What else do you need to know?
101 is a freeway.

Er, Tesla is
a steam-powered car.

Well, unless you plug it
into a grid

that has solar, and stuff, and basically,
er... it's steam powered.

Coal... burn the coal,
boil the water,

steam drives the turbines.

Plug it into
your steam-powered car, man.

It's not fucking stephenson's rocket.

Zero emissions, my arse!

I love Tesla.
I'm just being annoying.

Er, what else?

Just play the song.

Just play the song. Okay.

This is a song that I wrote about the
experience of leaving la.

And, because I'm brilliant,
I, er... I entitled this song,

"leaving la ".

J'j' check the locks
and leave the keys

j'j' mouldy bath masked
with febreze

j'j' something's dead
behind the refrigerator

j'j' some poor fuck will
deal with it later

n“ I've spent the last ten weeks

n squeezing out the sponge
of friendships plugging leaks

n I've talked
until there's no more to say

j'j' I'm going away

ii I'm leaving la

ii I'm leaving la

j'j' and the tourists say

j'j' please give me the directions
to the Hollywood sign

j'j' I've always dreamt of coming here to
see the Hollywood sign

j'j' but on their way back down we 'ii ask,
"did you have a good time?"

J'j' they'll say it's just
some fucking letters on a hill

n I wander through
the Bronson caves

j'j' one more ok coffee
at the oaks gourmet

n“ I 'ii watch the players
at the ucb

j'j' trying to improvise
their way out of ennui

n walking trails
in the creeping dark

j'j' up to the observatory
in Griffith park

n there's too much light
for stars anyway

if I'm getting out of this place

ii I'm leaving la

ii I'm leaving la

j'j' hey and the studio executives
who never made a thing

n blaming others
for their failures

j'j' taking credit
for their wins

n wiping the blood of dumb artists
from their chins singing

j'j' kid, you oughtn't take it
personally

j'j' on Hollywood and vine

n a dime-store spiderman

j'j' shouting at
a stoned Emma stone

n dressed a la "la la land"

n in the distance
in both its glorious dimensions

n the sign projects its shadow
on the hill

J'j' rushing by machine-gunned cops
at lax

j'j' malfunctioning departure board
says we 're boarding next

j'j' belt off, shoes off
jacket off, hat

j'j' don't need that attitude

j'j' but I quite enjoy
the subsequent pat down

n and I'm sat down
as the a380 engine roars

j'j' pushed backwards as this tube of
monkeys rumbles forwards

j'j' looking forward

ii to another 20 hours
on a plane

n nothing but shit films
and my brain

n I've been going slowly insane

if I've seen your sport
and I don't wanna play

n I'm getting out of this place

n I'm getting out of this place

ii I'm leaving la

j'j' hey and the actors at gratitude
drinking undrinkable juice

j'j' and the agents taking 10%
in their sneakers and suits

j'j' and the writers in their teslas trying
to punch up act one

j'j' driving home on the 101
in the relentless fucking sun

j'j' and the needy
and the greedy

j'j' and the homeless and horny

j'j' and the deals done on
treadmills at ten to six in the morning

j'j' and the captain's on the pa saying,
"look for the sign!"

J'j' but I find it's just
some fucking letters on a hill

n it's just some really
ugly letters

ii on a pretty ugly hill

Ii I'm leaving la

J'j' I'm leaving I... n

- So I've got...
- I have this...

I sometimes have
this urge to rectify...

You know, like, I use my family
forjokes.

Like, I just I need to clarify that I love
my... I do love my family.

I love my Sarah,
I love Violet, and I love...

The boy, the...

Caspar! I love them.

But...

There is a love, in my life,

that, erm, in many ways
is more profound

than even my love
for my own children.

It's certainly more complex.

Erm...

And the only way
I can really speak to this love

is through the medium

of a short ten-minute long
rock opera

- that I'd like to perform for you now.
Er... -

If you'll... if that's okay.

Obviously, erm, you know this, erm...

Having to be very vulnerable in front
of you,

but, erm... er...

I think you'll understand.

So, erm...

See you at the other end.

One, two, three, four!

Cheese.

Cheese.

- Audience: Cheese.
- Cheese.

Shepherd's bush,
let me hear you spell!

C! What? I can't hear you!

H! Huh? What?

Fuckin'... fuckin'... fuckin'...
What is it?

Cheese!

J'j' I love cheese
but it's plain to see

j'j' that cheese

n cheese

-j'j' doesn't love me
-j“j' doesn't love him

-j'j' I am such a fool in love
-j'j' fool in love

-j'j' I just cannot get enough
-j'j' can't get enough

-j'j' but it's an unrequited love
-j'j' unrequited love

ii I can feel it in my guts

n" I spend my nights

j'j' tossing and turning
my stomach is churning

ii my heart is a-burning

n my nightmares are turning
to haunt me and shame me

ii to drive me insane oh, the pain of blue
vein on my brain

j'j' and I wake up
with sweat on my brow

if you know I gotta give it up
and I must do it now

j'j' but instead in the morning
when my wife is gone

ii I find myself back on

n cheeseworld. Com

ii and I know that it's wrong
but I'm soon navigating

ii to the real mature stuff
the funky old ladies

n feeding my fetish
for fettered old feta

j'j' photos of friesian on beds
of bruschetta

n and the worse they smell
the more they sweat

n the faster the speed
my lips gets wet

n oh, god!

Woman: Whoo!

J'adore ie fromage.

Mais ie fromage n'adore pas

Me.

Rien, je ne
regrette rien! Mais...

J'j' perhaps last night's
half-wheel of double-cream brie

j'j' trying to replace my fondues
with fon-don'ts

j'j' trying to develop
strength of will

j'j' but I know that I won't

if I have found love
is never fair

h we should be
such a marvellous pair

j'j' but each time I bring her home, she
goes and renders me comatose

j'j' and leaves me self-loathing

j'j' slumped on my chair

Ii I cannot

J'j' camem

Don't fucking ruin this.

Ni

Ii I cannot

j'j' camem

- audience: Bert...
- Shut up!

Okay, tens... I'm creating, I'm creating
tension. I'm creating tension.

Ii I cannot

so fucking good, this bit.

It's so good.

I mean, there's a lot of baffled faces
down in the front.

But they just... what
they're gonna...

Oh, my god, it's gonna change
your fucking life.

It's really...

I mean, to the extent that you can be
objective about any art.

This next bit is...
It's a very strong word.

It's probably... I think this is the best
song I've ever written.

It might be one of
the best songs ever written.

Especially this next bit,
it's fucking...

Has anyone not heard this song?

Who hasn't heard this song?

Oh, okay.

Fucking hell, man,
you guys are... you...

You must be shitting
yourselves with excitement.

Imagine having... imagine if this is the
first time you heard it.

Imagine how good...

Don't you feel good for them? What...
'Cause you remember when you first...

Of course you remember where you...

I mean, no-one ever forgets
when they first heard

this bit of this song.

It's amazing.

It's just... it's like you remember where
you first heard...

Never mind. You know, that's really...

Ii I can...

Oh, fuck it. What's...

N“ I can, I...

Ii I cannot

J'j' camem

- man: "Bert it".
- Fuck you, man!

You've ruined it.
I need a Tequila. No, no, no.

N I cannot camem

j'j' Bert it any more!

Jte

n yeah, e

j'j' damn you

j'j' mon amour

j'j' every time I let you
through the door

j'j' lend up curled up
on the floor

j'j' oh, god
my poor heart is so sore

j'j' so no more!

J'j' but

N before igive you up

n“ I just need
one more tiny taste

j'j' to leave you like this
would be a criminal waste

j'j' just one more tiny taste
darling, please

j'j' just one more
little sliver of...

J'j' c-h-e-e-s

jte

j'j' hey

N“ funky, funky, funky, funky

J'j' cheese! J'j'

Bradley!

J'j' cheese!

J'j' cheese!

J'j' cheese!

What is it?

-Audience: Cheese! -Cheese, you little
funky, funky cheese.

This is a song about trying not to have
sex with other people.

J'j' I'll take lonely tonight

j'j' your offer is kind

j'j' and I must confess

I!" that I find
your casual caresses

j'j' and that pretty dress

I!“ pretty hard to resist

j'j' and, Christ, what a night

I!“ I think you're pretty high

I!“ I know I'm pretty pissed

I!“ but I'll take lonely tonight

j'j' though I'm not denying

I!" I hate being alone

j'j' even so
I know regret in the making

if you're one of those others
I swore I'd forsake

n and although this extraction
is taking

I!“ a great act

j'j' of will

I!" I got a girl

n has my heart
in a house on a hill

I!“ so though I am hungry
and tempted

n I'm sorry I'm not gonna bite

I!“ I'm gonna take lonely

J'j' I'll take lonely tonight

j'j' though I know

I!“ I might well
have future regrets

I!“ that I didn't more often
take up these chances

I!“ for what is life for
but to shag, drink and dance

I!“ and teenager me would be screaming
his pants off

j'j' begging me to stay

I!“ but my girl has my heart

n“ in a house half a planet away

j'j' and I 'd rather murder
than hurt her

I!“ so sorry though it feels
so right

I!“ I'm gonna take lonely
tonight

I!" odysseus wasn't strong enough
to endure the siren song

I!“ and so he made his sailors
tie him to a mast

I!“ and Jesus spent 40 days
and 40 nights

j'j' and he stood his ground
and fought his fight

I!" and the devil tried
but couldn't break his fast

n“ if this is true

I!" the devil should have
offered him you n

god damn it.

J'j' I'll take lonely tonight

ii in my 3.5 star

n boutique hotel

n where I will spend 25 bucks
on minibar snacks

n and pass out on my phone

n and wake in four hours or so
soaked in relief

j'j' to find I am alone

j'j' with only the wrappers
of pringles and snickers

m for which to atone

j'j' blissfully lonely j'j'

I!" ch, ooh

n ooh

I!" ch, ooh

I!" ch, ooh

n ooh

I!" ch, ooh

I!" ch, ooh

n ooh h

And so we come to the end

of this show and this tour...

The world as we know...

Erm...

I, er... I've actually, speaking of
endings, I've, erm...

I've planned my dying words.

I think you should plan
your dying words

'cause you want to go out
on something good, right?

And, in my experience, dying people are
all over the place.

They're... they're not
thinking straight at all.

So I think it's worth
Locking it in early.

Anyway, my dying words...
I think you'll approve.

My dying words
are going to be, erm...

Who's the world
gonna revolve around now?

I think that's quite strong.

Anyway, I was thinking upon...
Having locked them,

and I was thinking about
my epitaph

because it's good to go out
on a good line, obviously,

but it's also good to leave
a good line behind,

so you'll want something on your tombstone
that's gonna work.

And I know, you guys,

this will probably come
as a shock to you,

but I have to admit sometimes, especially
when I have a few drinks, erm,

I can have a tendency
to go on a bit.

And the other morning,
we woke up, Sarah and I,

having been to a dinner party at a
friend's house the night before,

and I rolled over and I said to Sarah, for
what feels like the 100th time,

"oh no,
I think I talked too much.“

And I think we stayed too long."

And I thought,
"that's my fucking epitaph.

That's what I'm gonna have
on my tombstone,

'talked too much,
stayed too long'."

And then if I get really old
it will be apt.

And if I die young,
it will be ironic.

And then I thought, "I should
write a song about it,"

and so, I'm going to finish
this show,

given that I did open the show on a

self-indulgent, self-eulogising
contemplation

of possibility of my own demise
in an aircraft accident,

which you missed. Erm...

It was always coming back.

Er, anyway, this is, like, a potted
autobiography of my life,

in a sort of12-bar blues
sort of format.

It's basically
my ballad of John and yoko.

But I am neither John nor yoko.

Anyway, it starts back in Perth, about the
time I wrote mitsubishi Colt,

and it travels a journey that you've heard
a bit about tonight.

Sarah and my weird
last 15 years,

and then it projects forward
into a hopeful future,

where I get so old

that I need someone else to wash my
scrotum. -

Thank you so much for coming tonight
and being part of, er,

our last night. -

Please thank,
one more time, yourselves!

And Brad webb!

And Pedro, Pete clements.

And Tom Richards!

And Rory Simmons!

And baby bassett!

And Sarah belkner!

And jak... jak housden.

Thank you very much!

One! Two! Three! Four!

N don't want to be in your club
if you take me as a member

n I'm not even slightly interested in
whether I'm remembered

j'j' isay ashes to ashes
dust to dust

j'j' give me a tombstone
if you feel you must

I!“ saying, "here lies the clown
who wrote some songs

j'j' he talked too much
and stayed too long"

j'j' back home in Perth
I played piano

j'j' down in cafe piazza

j'j' swallowing second-hand smoke

n and singing standards
by the masters

n learned that
every lyric's sacred

n that love's everything

j'j' and that three drinks makes you
straighten up and four gets you swingin'

j'j' till my crowds
scared the suits away

j'j' I'd play my own songs

I!“ and then we'd talk too much
stay too long

n talk too much, stay too long

I!" moved to Melbourne with my missus
after locking her down

n felt like a very little fishy
in a very big town

j'j' barely scraping by on corporate gigs
and quaint cabaret

j'j' playing keyboards in a cover band
until three in the A.M.

N“ I was never really suited
to them top 40 songs

I!“ you know, I talked too much
and played too long

I!“ don't wanna be in your club
if you take me as a member

I! I'm not even
slightly interested in

n whether I'm remembered

j'j' isay ashes to ashes
dust to dust

n give me a tombstone, baby
if you feel you must

I!“ saying, "here lies the clown
who wrote some songs

- j'j' you know he talked too much..."
- J'j' "stayed too long"

I!“ took my eyeliner
to Edinburgh in 2005

n played to 45 paying punters
on that opening night

I! But to my surprise
there was a rising demand

I!“ for a lovechild of liberace
and Edward scissorhands

j'j' dude from the papers
said that digging me was wrong

4!“ he said I talked too much
j!“ And stayed too long

fuck that!

Ii I've played
the Albert hall and Wembley

I!" I've played basements
and bars

j'j' I've been to Hollywood and Broadway
met those a-iister stars

n I've shared cigarettes
with knights

I!" shot Tequila with dames

j'j' I'm more interested in
laughter than in hotness and fame

I!" so long as you've got irony
honey, we'll get along

h" we can talk too much
and stay way, way too long

I!“ don't wanna be in your club
if you take me as a member

n I'm not even slightly interested in
whether I'm remembered

j'j' isay ashes to ashes
dust to dust

n give me a tombstone, baby
if you feel you must

I!“ saying, "here lies the clown
who wrote some songs

I!“ you know, he talked too much"

let me hear you say!

-J'j' stayed too long -j'j' whoa

Man: Yeah!

Whoo!

Hey!

J'j' I've been threatened
with death

I!" and arrest and with hell

ii I went hard at a cardinal
who was feeling unwell

j'j' I had those dog-whistling whiners
send their dogs after me

j'j' I've been a bigot
and a faggot

I!“ I've been smug and ugly

n I'm a long-haired lefty joker
and a smoker of bongs

and I talk too much and arguably...

Sarah: Really? No.

I!“ but fuck that
"live fast die young" shit

j'j' iplan on getting rickety

n baby, iintend to stick around

j'j' till all you pricks
are sick of me

n and when they come to wash my old man
balls and feed me mashed banana

I!" they'll find me in the common room
playing blues on the piano

j'j' same old three chords
and cliched fuckin' runs

j'j' and I'll talk too much
and stay too long

j'j' stay too long!

I!“ don't wanna be in your club
if you take me as a member

n I'm not even slightly interested in
whether I'm remembered

j'j' isay ashes to ashes
dust to dust

n give me a tombstone, baby
if you feel you must

I!“ saying, "here lies the clown
who wrote some songs

I!" you know, he talked too much
and stayed too long"

j'j' another white motherfucker
rambling on

j'j' he talked too much
and stayed too long n

hit me three times!

Hit me three more times!

Hit me twice!

Hit me once!

N if they would let me trade

j'j' I'd give a year
for half a day

I!" just curled up on the sofa

I!“ with you

I!“ we 'd wander down to cottesloe

n eat fish and chips
in the final glow

if I'd hold my breath
for "I forgive you"

j'j' sometimes I feel you with me
in the dark

j'j' and your face is
in the faces

n of the strangers walking by me

I!" in the park

j'j' and reflected in your eyes

n“ is all my love
and all my lies

n is all my promise and my pride

n" is all my fear
and all my fight

n is all my dread and my denial

I!“ so though we cannot
be together

j'j' lknow

I!“ that I will carry you

j'j' wherever I go

n I will carry you

ii lord knows

n I will carry you

n I will carry you

J'j' and reflected in your eyes

n“ is all my love
and all my lies

n is all my promise and my pride

n" is all my fear
and all my fight

n“ is all my dread and my denial

j'j' so, though we cannot
be together

j'j' lknow

I!“ that I will carry you

j'j' wherever I go

n I will carry you

ii lord knows

n I will carry you

n“ I will carry you j'j'

Don't you want to go home?

The houselights just came on.

Turn the houselights off.

Are we allowed?

- Audience: Yes!
- Okay, here we go.

I haven't played this song
for fucking two years,

so I don't know
if I remember the words.

For the record,

I'd probably
do Desmond tutu now.

Just because, erm...

I've met Richard
and he's fantastic,

and I'd like to meet Desmond.

Should we do, erm,
just the carry you stage?

I can't believe
we're doing this.

Ni

J'j' really like Christmas

J'j' it's sentimental, I know

n but I just really like it

ni

I!“ am hardly religious

n I'd rather break bread with Dawkins
than Desmond tutu

j'j' to be honest

n and yes, I have all of the usual
objections to consumerism

n the commercialisation
of an ancient religion

n to the westernisation
of a dead palestinian

I!“ press-ganged into selling
playstations and beer

I!“ but I still really like it

n I'm looking forward
to Christmas

I!" though I'm not expecting

n“ a visit from Jesus

j'j' I'll be seeing my dad

n my brother and sisters
my gran and my mum

j'j' they'll be drinking...

Fucking hell.

N“ I don't go in
for ancient wisdom

n I don't believe just 'cause
ideas are tenacious

m“ it means that they're worthy

I!“ I get freaked out by churches

n some of the hymns that they sing
have nice chords

j'j' but the lyrics are dodgy

j'j' honey, I saw how
all of the usual objections

I!" to the miseducation
of children

j'j' who in tax-exempt institutions
are taught

I!" to externalise blame

j'j' and to feel ashamed

I!“ and to judge things
as plain right or wrong

I! But I quite like the songs

j'j' I'm not expecting
big presents

n the old combination of socks, jocks and
chocolates is just fine by me

j'j' 'cause I'll be seeing my dad

n my brother and sisters
my gran and my mum

j'j' they'll be drinking
white wine in the sun

j'j' I'll be seeing my dad

n my brother and sisters
my gran and my mum

j'j' they'll be drinking
white wine in the sun

I!“ and you, my baby girl

I!“ my jetlagged infant daughter

j'j' you'll be handed
round the room

j'j' like a puppy
at a primary school

I!“ and you won't understand

j'j' but you will learn some day

I!" that wherever you are
and whatever you face

I!“ these are the people who'll make you
feel safe in this world

j'j' my sweet blue-eyed girl

I!“ and if, my baby girl

j'j' when you're 21 or 31

j'j' and Christmas comes around

n and you find yourself
9,000 miles from home

n you'll know whatever comes

j'j' your brothers and sisters
and me and your mum

I!“ we 'ii be waiting for you
in the sun

n whenever you come

I!“ your brothers and sisters

j'j' your aunts and your uncles

j'j' your grandparents, cousins
and me and your mum

I!“ we 'ii be waiting for you
in the sun

j'j' drinking white wine
in the sun

j'j' darling, when Christmas comes

I!“ we 'ii be waiting for you
in the sun

j'j' drinking white wine
in the sun

j'j' waiting for you in the sun

j'j' waiting

ni

J'j' really like Christmas

n it's sentimental

I!“ Lknow j'j'