Tig Notaro: Boyish Girl Interrupted (2015) - full transcript

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Thank you.

Oh, my gosh.

Are you kidding me?

My goodness.

Wow, thank you.

People are like, "Tig!"

"Why are you shooting
your special in Boston?"

Woman: Whoo!

I'll tell ya something,

my grandfather...

was originally from Boston.



And my mother

lived in Boston

when she was a tiny,
little person.

- Man: Whoo!
- And this rug...

Hear me out.
This rug I am standing on

has been in my family

since the 1800s

and was in my mother's house
in Boston

in the '40s.

Why am I shooting
my special...

in Boston?

I wanted to show you my rug.

Why am I shooting
my special in Boston?

No more stupid questions.



Please.

I performed in Las Vegas

and, um, when you do
stand-up in Vegas,

typically, you have to do
an entire week,

seven nights in a row,

two shows a night.

There's an early show
and a late show,

and I bombed

all 14...

shows.

And I'm not a huge drinker
and I don't really gamble,

so I didn't know what to do
between the early and late show.

So the first night I thought
I'd hang out in my hotel room,

but it was so far away
from the venue

that I only had
enough time

to walk back
to my room...

stand like this
for two minutes...

and then head back
to the Comedy Club.

The rest of the time,
I thought,

"I'll just sit in the
back corner of the club,"

hang out
between the shows,

"and just kill time
having a glass of water."

I'm sitting there

and my agent

calls me to tell me

that the venue

called him

to say
that they thought

it was weird...

that I was just sitting
in the back corner...

and could I please leave

and go find
something else to do.

So, again, I'm sitting there,
my phone rings,

I'm like,
"Hey, what's going on?"

"Oh.

Okay."

So humiliating!

It's not like
that call

came from some far-off
headquarters someplace.

That call came
from inside the club.

I'm certain the guy was looking
through a little window

staring at me
with disgust on his face.

Just like, "Ugh, tell her
to get out of here."

Yeah, I'm sick
of looking at her face."

I still didn't know
where to go or what to do.

So I took the escalator
down to the first floor

and there's an ice
cream shop down there.

And I'm an adult.

I just... personally,
I don't sit alone

in ice cream shops

just...

And let me be certain...

to not use...

the object
that is the exact shape...

of an ice cream cone.

So I finished
my ice cream cone,

I took the escalator
back up,

I did the final show,

and, of course,
I bombed.

I got offstage.

I shook hands
with the audience members.

And they were just like...

"We hate you."

I was like,
"Feeling is mutual."

I said goodbye to the other comedians.
They hated me, too.

Then I went into the
office and got paid.

Then I walked all the way
back to my hotel room.

I put my pajamas on.

I had little pigs
flying all over my pants.

I looked so adorable.

It was like my one tiny
victory for the whole week.

And then I went into the
bathroom to brush my tooth.

And that's when I caught
my reflection in the mirror

and saw that I had

a full-blown

chocolate mustache
on my face.

I was like, "No!"

My brain starts replaying
everything

that had
just happened to me.

I was onstage
for an entire hour...

bombing...

with a chocolate mustache
on my face.

And then remember all up
close and personal, I was...

Not one person...

was like, "Oh."

You have..."

"You..."
Uh-uh, nobody told me.

And then I went
into the office

to get paid...

by the guy
that I am certain

made that original
phone call

telling me
to please leave

and go find
something else to do.

Guess who found
something else to do?

- Woman: Whoo!
- Me.

I did.

I went and treated myself
to a little chocolate ice cream.

What is my problem?

I am six years from 50.

Can I not
just glance in the mirror

before I go onstage?

What is my to-do list
every night?

Belly full of ice cream.

Check.

Head onstage.

What did the owner of the
club think as I sat there

across the desk
in a tiny office

with a chocolate mustache
on my face?

A grown woman...

wanting to get paid
for 14 bombed shows.

Holding out
my little paw.

Did he think that I just
grabbed an ice cream cone

out of the hand
of a small child,

slammed it
in my own face,

hopped back up onstage?

Not so funny anymore,
is it, Vegas?

I'm nuts.

Or did he think that I was
trying to disguise myself...

with a fake mustache,

trying to sneak back into the
venue he had kicked me out of?

Sorry, this bit goes as long
as whatever stage I'm on.

Oh, great, there's stairs.

Guys, relax!

Relax,
I'm just a person.

What if somebody walked
into the show right now...

and they didn't
recognize me?

"I thought Tig was supposed
to be taping her special."

Where did she go?

"Where's Tig?"

Guys, it's me.

It's me.

It's me.

Uh, where did Tig go?

Where did Tig go?

Where did Tig go?

Let me see
your little belly.

Where did Tig go?
Oh, there I am.

Oh, you guys are dumb.

Oh, my gosh.

As a comedian,
people always ask me

what makes me laugh
really hard.

And, um, I was making
a video one time.

Just like a funny sketch
with a friend of mine

where at the end
he ends up in a bathtub

with Santa Claus.

And there are websites
that you can go on

and find your perfect,
ideal Santa,

click on him, hire him for
all your Santa Claus needs.

We could not find
the perfect Santa Claus.

And he said, "Do you
mind if we take a break"

and go to McDonald's so I can
get a couple hamburgers?

"And then we'll come back."

And I said,
"Man, whatever you need."

We go through the drive-thru,
he gets his hamburgers.

He said,
"I cannot wait to eat these."

Do you mind
if we just sit here

"and I eat 'em
and then we go back?"

I said again,
"Whatever you need."

So he backs his car
into this space

and we're now looking out over the
entire McDonald's parking lot

and I see this woman
off in the distance

acting utterly insane.

And I said,

"What do you think
she's doing?"

And he said,
"I don't know,

but I'm gonna film her."

He gets his phone out,
he presses record,

and you guys are me and him in the
car looking through the windshield.

The second he pressed record,

a boat of a car
drove past us

and a man turned

and it was Santa Claus.

And I yelled, "Oh, my God,
it's Santa Claus!"

And he yelled, "Oh, my God, do
you think he'll talk to us?"

And then he shut off
the phone, we peel out

and just haul ass
chasing Santa Claus

down the street.

And we come up next to him
at the light

and I realize in that moment
I hadn't thought about

what I was gonna say
when we caught him.

And I said, "Hi."

Um, you know
who you look like, right?"

And he said,
"Santa Claus."

And I said, "Yes."

I said, "My friend and I
are making a video"

and we wanted to hire you
to be in it."

He hands me
his business card

and as he's driving off

I look at it

and it said his name

at some very
conservative church dot-org.

And I said, "Oh, man."

This guy is not gonna get
into a bathtub with you."

Or maybe he will.

So we drive off
feeling defeated

and then I start thinking
about that video from earlier.

And I started laughing.

And I asked him to pull the car
over to play it back for us

and he said, "Why?"

And I said,
"Because I feel confident"

that we captured

the most ridiculous
footage

"since the beginning
of time."

And then he
started thinking about it

and then we were
both hunched over

laughing so hard,
hyperventilating,

crying, trying to push each
other away from each other.

We were laughing so hard,
we both became ugly people.

And we still hadn't even
seen the video yet.

And then he pulls
the car over

and he presses play

and you don't see that woman
off in the distance.

It's like she was never
a part of this.

The second he pressed play,

the only thing
that you see...

is a boat of a car

driving past us

and a man turning...

and you hear me

earnestly...

yell, "Oh, my God,
it's Santa Claus!"

And you see my hand
just dart up into the video.

And then you hear my friend,

a full-grown man,

yell, "Oh, my God, do you
think he'll talk to us?"

And then it just
shuts out.

If anybody came across
that video footage

with zero backstory,

it truly appears

as though two
full-grown buffoons...

thought that they
saw Santa Claus.

And what is my friend's history
with Santa Claus...

that his response...

would be, "Oh, my God, do you
think he'll talk to us?"

Just an entire lifetime
of him running up to Santa

only to be met with...

But Santa...

I love everybody's
little laugh noises.

My favorite laugh noise
is, um, the sigh

after the laugh.

The...

'Cause it's like you're
reminiscing about one second ago.

Remember one second ago?

Yeah, that was
a good time.

Yeah.

My other favorite
laugh noise

is the pig snort.

You know, when somebody is just
really enjoying themselves.

And then...

Because I'm always curious,

is that something
they decided to do?

Like a calculated decision.

Or are they just as
surprised as we are...

when a pig snort
flies out of their face?

I like to think
it's the other option

where they're just like,
"You know what?"

I have been laughing...

and smiling...

and clapping

all night,

but I still feel

like she doesn't get...

how much I get her.

Think I'm gonna go ahead
and snort like a pig.

Yeah, this, uh...
This story she's telling,

this is actually one of my
favorites I was telling...

"Oh, hold on one second."

"Love your stuff."

My dream situation

is actually the...
At the end of the night

when the lights go on

that there is an actual pig
in the audience.

Just out on the town,
pantless,

clanking its little
cloven hooves together.

Sitting on
its little curlicue.

Comes up to me
at the end of the night,

"Hey, um, that was me."

I, uh... I can't laugh,
so I snort.

Sure, I can talk...

but I wanted to say

I really liked that part
earlier

when you were talking about
having little pigs on your pants.

Anyway,
I don't wanna keep you,

I just... I really
just wanted to say...

I just wanted to say
pig fan, pig fan.

Boston, that's a terrible joke.
I'm sorry.

Sorry, I'm
just up here being a ham

and I... I'm sor...
That's too much,

you're right.

Too many puns eventually
becomes a "boar"

and I don't wanna...

Don't shake your head
at me.

I will reimburse you.
I am sorry.

I'm originally
from Mississippi.

- Man: Whoo!
- Um...

Settle down, everyone.

I'm originally
from Mississippi

and, um, my fiancée

is, um...

Thank you. Um...

He is from...

Okay.

She was raised in Los
Angeles and New York

and I invited her
back to Mississippi

to spend the holidays with
me and my extended family.

And before the trip,

she said, um,

"No offense, but..."

And I said, "Yes, what is this
flattering thing you're about to say?"

She said, "When I picture
people from Mississippi",

I picture them barefoot."

Thank you.

And I said,
"Okay, I get it, but, um,"

my family is civilized.

They have homes

and jobs

and shoes,

"but I hear ya."

So I was down there
hanging out before she arrived,

and when you fly in
to visit my town,

you fly in
to the New Orleans airport.

And all 11
of my family members

piled into a van

to drive into the French
Quarter to hang out,

wait until she arrived.

And I finally was like, "Oh, yeah,
she's gonna be landing soon."

We gotta go."

All 11 of them

piled back into the van
with their beers...

I don't know if you know,
but it is legal down there

to have open containers
in vehicles.

They all get in.

They also brought
a cooler

iced down
with extra beer

just for the drive
to the airport.

I offered to be
the sober driver,

not that anybody in my
family cared either way.

They were just like,
"Okay, nerd."

So we pull up curbside

at baggage claim

and I get out and say,
"I will be right back."

I go in, I find her.

We're walking out
chatting.

She looks up...

and she said,
"Is that your family?"

I look up

and all 11 of them

have gotten out
of the van.

They're smoking
and drinking,

they're waving wildly,

so excited to meet her.

They've pulled the cooler
out onto the sidewalk.

And they were barefoot.

After walking around
the French Quarter all day,

they took their shoes off
on the drive to get her.

So there I was...

having to say,
"Yes,"

that is
my civilized family...

that I told you about.

"There they are
in all of their glory."

So we have the holidays,
Christmas, whatever,

she and I are driving
out of town together

and, uh,
I asked her if, uh...

A couple years ago
my mother passed away

and we buried her
in our hometown in Mississippi

and I asked if we could
go visit her grave.

And she said of course.

And just to back up
a little more,

when my stepfather and I were
driving away from the funeral,

he told me,

"When your mother died,"

they were offering
a really good deal

on burial plots.

I ended up getting six

"for a thousand dollars."

He said,
"I got one for your mother,"

I got one for me,

I got one for you,

I got one
for your brother,

"and then I got two extras."

Man: Whoo!

I said, "That is serious
bargain shopping"

just to toss in
two extra burial plots."

And he said, "Well, I
thought I would get those"

in case you or your brother,
if you had partners one day."

And I said,
"Oh, well, thank you,

but still..."

So my girlfriend and I
pull up to the graveyard,

we get out of the car...

we walk over,
we're standing there.

She's looking around.

She said,
"This is really beautiful."

She said, "So is it just...
Is it just this right here?"

And I said, "Well..."

"That's the thing, um..."

When my mother died,

they were offering
a really good deal.

Six plots
for a thousand dollars.

So my stepfather...

my mother,
she's just buried right here,

but he got hers,

and then one for him,

he got one for me,

he got one for my brother.

And then, um...

He got two extras...

in case we had partners.

So, um...

I guess, um...

I guess that's where
you'll be gay buried.

Barefoot in Mississippi,

"just like you always
imagined."

She thought it was some
twisted marriage proposal.

After my mother passed away,

I was diagnosed
with bilateral breast cancer,

um, but I have not
told anybody yet.

You're the first people
to find out.

Wow, that's
a very cold response.

I ended up having
a double mastectomy,

and, um,

before my surgery, I was already
relatively flat-chested.

And, uh, I made so many jokes
over the years

about how small
my boobs were

that I started to think

that maybe

my boobs overheard me...

and were just like,
"Pfft."

You know what?

We're sick of this.

"Let's kill her."

I'm always thrown off
by the clapping.

Whoo, take her down!

I did a show where this
woman sat front row

with her arms crossed
shaking her head at me.

And I said,
"Is there something wrong?"

And she said,

"You should end your jokes

with 'I'm just kidding.'"

Oh, right, right.

I don't know why I never
thought about that.

That is a great idea.

I'm just kidding.

I'm not kid...
I really did have cancer,

I just... I don't really
think that my boobs

were conspiring
to kill me.

That I'm kidding about.

Yeah.

Oh, we remember.

Before I had
my double mastectomy,

I, um... I would sometimes
be mistaken for a man.

And, um, that's fine.

But then after the surgery,

it went up a bit.

I was going through security
at the airport

and, um...

they said,
"Female assist,"

which means they have to have a
female officer pat me down extra.

And so this woman
comes over

and she comes in,
just...

And I didn't have
reconstructive surgery.

I just...
She was like...

She didn't feel
a boob or...

a bra or anything.

And she said,
"Hold on a second."

And she walked
only maybe this far away.

And she whispered something
to the other officer.

And I just heard him say,

"Yes, I'm positive."

So she comes back over

and she's like...

But this time she stopped

before she touched me

and she looked up...

at my face...

She really took it in.

But apparently,

that was not helpful

at all.

- And she said, "Hold on a
second." -

She walks back over

and whispers something again
to the officer

and he just says, "Yes."

And the thing is,

I knew exactly
what was happening

and I knew that
all I needed to do

was speak...

and then she would know
that I was female.

But I just did not

wanna help her out...

Man: Whoo!

At all.

I was enjoying
the awkwardness so much.

I just loved
standing there like...

She finally came back over
and said, "You're good."

And I walked off saying,

"Uh, thank you.
Thank you very much."

Oh, my gosh,
you guys are so nice.

I, um...

have really been s...

Do not tempt me.

I will do it. I will... I will...

Guys... guys, no.

Of course I'm not gonna
take my shirt off on my sp...

No.

Woman: Whoo!

So...

I'll tell you,
I, uh...

I am afraid to fly

and I... I am.
Sure, laugh all you want,

but I...
I'm very afraid to fly

and I went on a plane that
seated maybe only six people.

And you c...
It was so tiny

that you could only
kind of crouch

to get through
the plane.

And, um...

oh, my God,
it was so small.

And once we got
to our cruising altitude,

we're flying along
and the pilot,

who's just sitting
right there,

he's just like,
"Hey, how's it going?"

And, um...

You do your thing,
I'll do mine.

He gets out of his seat

and just is like,

"Let me show you

where the emergency
toilet is."

And I said,

- "I'll decide where the emergency
toilet is." -

"How about here? How about
this is the emergency toilet?"

Or how about right here? This
could be the emergency toilet.

How about anywhere I decide
is the emergency toilet?

This entire flight
feels like an emergency.

Just one huge emergency toilet
flying through the air.

Now go sit back down,
you joker.

"Don't you worry
about the emergency toilet."

I love on, um,
commercial flights

when, um, you're seated
in the emergency exit row

and the flight
attendant's like,

"You know,
just wondering"

if in the event
of an emergency,

"you'd be willing
to help out."

And I'm like, "Pfft..."

Totally.

If you need anything,

you come grab me.

But I was just wondering if
maybe we could wait and see

what kind of shape
I'm in

after the plane plummets
30,000 feet.

'Cause I don't even know if I'm
gonna be sitting here anymore.

"But absolutely, you come grab
me if you need anything."

Are they really
gonna hold me to that?

Where's that woman
from 12 E?

Where's that guy
from 12 E?

Nah, he said
he'd help us out.

I'm just off in the distance
gathering my own body parts.

Did somebody
need something?

I did give a verbal
confirmation, so...

Carrying my own head
in my hand.

Yeah, just let me know
what I can do for ya.

Oh, man, flying, huh?

I've been traveling
around so much

and, um,

I've noticed
in the States...

I haven't really
noticed it so much

overseas anywhere,

but in the US

I've noticed
these signs

showing up
at public pools.

And, um, I'm sure plenty of you
have seen these,

and they say

that you cannot
go swimming

if you have diarrhea.

Raise your hand
if you've seen these signs.

Yes, these are
actual signs.

And my question is

how frequently
was this happening?

But, more importantly,

how confident of a person

do you have to be...

to be like,
"Oh, man."

"Oh, man."

"I do not feel well."

Doctor said I should
definitely stay home.

Stick near the toilet.

"But you know what?"

"I'm gonna head down
to the public pool."

Go swim around.

"With full blown diarrhea."

They're just like,
"Hey!

Out of the pool!"

Me?

Yeah, you can't swim
with diarrhea.

Oh, so this
is a problem?

Yeah, gotta get out
of the pool.

Listen...

if you don't want me
swimming

with diarrhea,

then you're gonna need
to hang up a sign.

Otherwise, there's just
no possible way...

I would know better.

So until that goes...

Thank you so much.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not... I'm not leaving,
I'm not leaving.

I have a weird delivery.

It...

I've had it my whole life,
my whole career.

Sounds like I'm leaving, but
I'm just saying thank you.

It's kind of like you guys
really got that, thanks!

I have a gift for you all.

Uh, something that brings me
a lot of joy in my life.

I wanna give it to you

so that you can experience
the happiness

that I do.

I love...

sending text messages
to friends of mine

at random times
of the day

that just say,
"What's your ETA?"

I just love knowing
that somewhere across town

somebody is half-naked

frantically rifling

through emails
and text messages

trying to figure out

what they agreed
to do with me.

And they write back,
"What?"

And then write back,

"Yeah, we're all seated.
Better hurry."

And then they write back,
"Where?"

And then don't respond.

Ever again.

Cut them out of your life.
Delete them from your phone.

Just move on.
It was time.

It was time
and you both knew it.

Thank you!

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.

I've been doing stand-up
for almost 20 years now

and... every show
I've ever done...

whether it was
a coffee shop,

an open mic,

a sold-out theater,

a college,

a club,

every single show
I've ever done,

I've gotten a standing ovation.

Oh, sure,
laugh all you want.

Even in Vegas

I got 14
standing ovations.

You might be thinking,
"I had a good time tonight,

but not like... not 'standing
ovation' good time."

Everybody thinks that.

Everybody thinks that
and then sure enough,

the show ends and everyone
jumps to their feet

and they're yelling,
"Tig!"

We love you!

"This is the best comedy show
we've ever seen in our lives."

And I'm just like,
"I'm just a person.

Please be seated."

And they won't.

And that goes on

for three minutes
every single time.

So I'm just giving you
a heads up what's to come.

I love music.

I've never detected
a punch line there.

Maybe I should
listen more.

Sounded like a cartoon character
showed up.

I like your style,
ha, ha, ha!

That was funny,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

I can barely take this,
I'm laughing so hard.

Ha, ha, ha!

That's all I wanted,
to laugh.

I do... I do love music

and, um, I would constantly
write down all the lyrics

to every Beatles song.

Like put the record on,
take the needle off,

and write the lyrics down,
put the needle back on.

Just every song.
Obsessed.

And my grandmother ended up
having Alzheimer's

and she collected anything
that we touched growing up.

And towards the end of her life
when I was an adult,

she called me
into her bedroom.

And she pulled out
this box and this paper.

She said,
"You wrote this for me"

"when you were little."

And it was
"When I'm 64."

And I had to sit there
and take credit...

for a Lennon
and McCartney tune.

I was like, "Oh, that's right.
I forgot about that one."

"You like that, huh?"

If so, I have a huge catalogue
of other...

"Other songs
I think you might like."

In sixth grade,
I took a music class

and, um, we were lectured
about anywhere

from The Who
to Beethoven.

We played instruments,
we read books.

And at the end
of every session,

the teacher
would always ask

if somebody had a favorite
song they wanted to play.

And I always brought in Beatles
and Rolling Stones songs.

And one day,

the coolest kid
in the entire school...

His name was J.D...

And he came...

Oh, that's funny to you?

That is a child's name.

A child that is 44 now,
but it's still a child's name.

What is your name?

- Chris.
- Chris.

The coolest kid in the entire school...

was named Chris.

How does that feel?

Doesn't feel good,
does it, Chris? No.

J.D. came up to me
after class

and he said,
"If I bring in"

one of my dad's
Rolling Stones records,

"will you tell me the coolest
song on the album to play?"

And I said, "Pfft..."

No question."

The next day,

J.D. brought in his dad's Rolling
Stones album "Let It Bleed."

And I looked it over...

and I picked this song
and said,

"This is the coolest song
on the album."

And it was "You Can't
Always Get What You Want."

And he said,
"Are you positive"

that this is
the best song,

"the coolest song
on the album?"

I was like, "Man, I
couldn't be more positive."

And then the teacher asked

if anyone had brought in
their favorite song to play.

And J.D. raised his hand

and she called on him.

And that's when everybody

in sixth grade

heard the coolest kid

in the entire school

play this.

♪ I saw her today
at the reception ♪

- J.D. was like, "What the hell
is this?" -

And I was like,
"No, no, it gets better."

♪ I knew she would meet
her connection ♪

♪ At her feet
was a footloose man ♪

♪ No, you can't always get
what you want ♪

♪ You can't always get
what you want ♪

♪ You can't always get
what you want ♪

♪ But if you try
sometime ♪

♪ You'll find ♪

♪ You can get
what you need... ♪

And then the bell rang.

Boston, thank you so much.

You're such a great
audience.

What?

I told you.

Please, be seated.

Please, be seated.

I'm just a person.

I'm just a person.
Touch me.

I'm just a person.

Please, be seated.

Please, be seated.

No, I'm just a person.
Touch me.

Thank you so much,
really.

Just two more minutes.

Please, be seated.
I'm just a person.

I'm just a person.

- That person said, "I know, I
know." -

What do you mean,
"you know"?

"I know."

Nobody's
shaking their fist.

Boston.

Settle down.
I'm just a person.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Good night.