Tidy Tim's (2020) - full transcript
A father and son run a rickety used car lot in Southern California. The old man and his boy are left overs from a bye-gone era of Americana.
Hi, boys.
Come on in.
Hey, daddy. You look so good.
We're gonna sell a
record number of cars today, Timmy.
- You think so?
- I know so.
That little voice in my head
tell me so.
You been calling that psychic
network again, pops?
Come on, Duke.
Hey, Floyd.
Your old man runs off
every time I come by.
I'm beginning to think
he doesn't like me.
It's not you, Floyd, yeah.
It's...
- the mail.
- Well, okay. See you later, Tidy.
See you later, Floyd.
Oh, boy.
- Ralph.
- Oh, fish sticks!
- Put a new battery in the Chevy.
- We're out of batteries.
Then throw the battery
charger on it.
Charger stopped working
last week.
Damn, I think I need a new
battery charger myself.
Come on, Duke.
Come on.
Good morning, George.
Good morning, Daddy.
Good morning, Willy.
Good morning, Daddy.
Good morning, Molly.
Good morning, Daddy.
- Hey, how's it going there, pal?
- Hello.
She's a beauty, huh?
1963 Ford Falcon, a classic.
Does, she have a radio?
Well, right this way.
Not only a working AM radio,
but a fully functional 8-track.
Then I can listen to my Arnelly
Barbara opera tape?
Oh, Arnella Barbara opera.
Yeah, you can listen to that
8-track in there.
- How much?
- Well...
How much you got?
You, uh... care to start her up?
Hop in, pal.
You're gonna love the ride.
All right. Let's head
to the front of the car here.
All right, this fender is good.
Let's lift this hood, right.
Take a...
It looks like
it's a brand new car.
Let me show you the paper work.
"Final warning.
You have 30 days to make your six month
overdue mortgage payment of $8,550
plus late fees
or face foreclosure.
Call loan ranger at 1-800-666-9999
as soon as possible."
Yeah, right.
Ho, ho, ho. What can I sell you
today, my man?
Yo, I'll give you five dollars
for this Indian dog.
No, no, no. That won't even pay
for his pipe.
- How about 25?
- Dude, all I got is 6.25, man.
I wants to give this Indian
to my Auntie.
My Auntie's Indian herself,
my Auntie is.
She just got a backside lobotomy and thinks
she's like from England or something.
That's why she talks all
British and stuff, you know?
Oh, uh...
I didn't just say that.
- Uh, that's between us, all right?
- You don't say?
Well, I tell you, given that
fact, how about 20?
Oh, tell you what,
give me the 6.25 now
and I'll give you a receipt and you
can pay me later on in the week.
Really? Shit! Run 'em back, man.
Run 'em back.
Thanks. Thanks, man.
You all right, man.
Well, thank you.
What's your name, son?
- My name is Brave Coolwater.
- Brave Coolwater.
Yeah, of the Wampuntang Tribe,
man.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
6.25, Big Tim.
You just ask for Big Tim.
Tell them to look at the receipt and pay
of the rest and we'll give it to you, okay?
- There you go.
- All right. Thank you.
Our match is even. Thanks, man.
You saved me, bro.
- Oh, no problem.
- Thank you.
All right.
Don't drop it on the way out.
Tidy Tim's Classics.
I'm looking for a Jaguar
or... or a Bentley.
Well, we ain't got any Jags or
Bentleys on the lot right now, lady.
But, I can put you
in a beautiful 1965 Cadillac
once owned by a retired opera
singer with one leg.
- Not a scratch or dent on it.
- No, no.
I'm not looking for a crappy
American car.
Oh, oh. You don't like American cars.
Do you at least have a Rolls?
No, no. I don't have a Rolls
on the lot right now.
- But maybe I can...
- Stop that! You idiot!
What are you doing down there?
Oh!
Now, lady, you don't have
to call me that.
Imbecile, moron, fool, idiot!
You don't even know what you're doing!
Well, you can stick it where the Sun
don't shine if you follow my meaning.
What? What?
Ex...
What the hell?
People ain't got no manners
anymore.
- Here's your contract.
- Thank you.
- Good doing business with you.
- Yes. You too.
Thank you so much.
I love the Falcon with the 8-track.
Top of the day to you,
Mr. O'Hara.
Oh, same to you my dear.
Well, it's that time of year
again, Mr. O'Hara.
Yes, but unfortunately I don't think I'm going
to be able to make my usual contribution.
At least not right now.
Oh, but you've usually given a thousand
dollars. Have for the past 22 years.
Oh, the money's sorely needed this year
with the rise in the homeless population.
And we take in
abused animals too.
Now, see. Here's a picture of
our rescued turtle named Spike.
Yes.
- Fine looking animal.
- Yes.
Tell you what,
I'll give you 500 now
and 500 more
when business picks up.
Oh, God bless you, Mr. O'Hara.
H.C.A, is that what
it's made out to?
Yes, it is.
All right.
- There you are.
- Oh, God bless you, Mr. O'Hara.
I'll keep you in my prayers just
like I do your Aunt Mattie...
the sweetest, most generous
person in the whole world.
Aye, that she was.
Oh, well, I best be getting back
to the Lord's work.
God bless you, Mr. O'Hara.
God bless you
and Merry Christmas.
Dear God, at least let me sell one
car today, so that check don't bounce.
Hey, pops.
- Here you go.
- Good job, Timmy.
Now, that's what
I'm talking about.
And as they make their
way into the top of the stretch
it's Galloping Galapagos on the inside with
Hi Ho Silver chasing closely on the outside.
And down the stretch they come.
Come on, Hi Ho Silver,
hold on, baby. Hold on.
And in the center of the
track comes long shot Loose Stool
Hi Ho Silver has the lead
and Loose Stool is closing...
Hang on, hang on, hang on!
It's Hi Ho Silver
and Loose Stool.
At the wire,
it's too close to call.
- Here's your dinner, pops.
- Oh, thanks, son.
- Try to enjoy it.
- I'm pretty hungry.
Uh-huh.
Pops, pops. The doctor said you
need to stop smoking those cigars.
It's one of the last pleasures
I have, son.
Well, just try to enjoy
your steak, okay?
Damn thing tastes like rubber. I haven't
had a decent meal since your momma passed.
Did I ever tell you about her
chicken 'n' dumplings?
Yeah, a million times.
I ate them too, pops.
- Where you going?
- Oh, over to Ralphs.
I'm going to play
some poker tonight.
Good luck.
Okay, I'll catch you later pops,
okay.
Oh, oh and here we go.
The photo finish has just come in
and it was 99-1 shot Loose Stool
who won by a head with Hi Ho
Silver in second place.
Shit!
All right, you pussycat lovers,
D.J. Fattie's in the house.
These ladies like one thing and one
thing only, the almighty dollar.
So, let's break open those
wallets and make it rain in here.
Hey, hey Tidy.
You got any one's? I'm all out.
Okay, baby. There's your target.
Go to work on him.
Peek-a-boo.
Hi, sexy.
What's your name?
Uh, uh... I'm Timmy...
but you can call me Tidy.
- You're new here.
- Yes.
Just in from Miami.
I'm Mimi.
Mimi from Miami.
But you can call me bombshell.
Hey, bombshell.
Oh, yeah.
I like your mustache.
Oh, hey. Thank you.
- And your sideburns too.
- Yeah, like Elvis.
So sexy.
So, Tidy,
- you want to go for a lap dance?
- Uh, huh.
Follow me.
♪ Heels and my lipstick
Heels and my lipstick ♪
- ♪ I'm a glamorous chick... ♪
- Oh, wow!
It's like we're walking down
the aisle together.
♪ I'm a glamorous chick ♪
♪ Heels and my lipstick
Heels and my lipstick ♪
Thank you.
♪ I'm a glamorous chick ♪
There's nothing sexier
than an ass full of cash.
How much you haul in tonight,
baby?
$2,500.
How much of it came from our
resident fool in the plaid jacket?
All but a crusty 20
I got from D.T.
I thought that old fart
was dead.
Not yet.
He's says as long as he has one
good nut still working
he wants to take me
on a Caribbean cruise.
- But, Tidy, he's the real catch.
- Oh, think so?
Oh, I know so. One lap dance
and he spilled his guts.
His daddy owns the vacant lot
next door
and the car lot across the
street, which is barely running.
Didn't you say that the Pussycat
is looking to expand?
And there it was,
right next to us.
We'll take over.
Buy the old man out,
get the weedy lot and his used car lot
and that, that'll give us all the
space we need for the Pussycat 2,
the mini-arcade
and extra parking.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. What a coop!
Oh, my boss, he'll be so happy,
he'll make me manager of his Vegas spot.
And what will you do
to make me happy?
Well, I'll take you with me.
You'll put those Vegas showgirls
to shame.
That's right, Maxie.
Yeah, body and brains baby,
we got 'em both.
I didn't hear you come in
last night, son.
Oh, I had a long one at Ralph's,
pops.
- Oh. Win anything?
- Yeah, I about broke even.
Oh, pops, hey got a sale
going at the Peddlers Mall
and I saw one of those fancy
cordless phones you been wanting.
What's that smell?
Uh... Oh, burnt toast, pops.
Smells like a Chinese brothel.
What'd you and Ralph do last
night, play cards with the ladies?
Oh, no.
It's my aftershave, pops.
Try to enjoy your breakfast,
okay?
Pops, you got to stop
smoking those cigars.
- Give me the hot sauce.
- Okay.
Here you go.
Calling Tidy Tim.
Calling Tidy Tim.
- Calling Tidy Tim.
- Yeah, hello?
Digger? Digger, are you there?
You just called me, Digger.
Are you okay, Digger?
Hey, Tidy. I hope you
and the old man are okay.
Oh, oh. Hey, Digger.
Yeah, doing fine.
- How are you doing?
- Good. On a lunch break.
Had a little nap.
Is the old man around?
Oh, you want to talk to pops?
Pops?
He's kind of busy right now.
I want to ask Big Tim
about a job at the lot.
Oh, okay, yeah,
I'll run it past him.
Just stop by the lot
later today, okay?
You got it, Tidy.
See you this afternoon.
- Oh, great.
- Okay, cool.
I'm getting hungry, Timmy.
Why don't you go
get us some hot dogs at Pinkies.
Pops, they give you bad gas.
And well, I'm a little short
on dough today.
- Did you lose it all last night playing cards with Ralph?
- No.
You didn't lose my two dollar bill,
did you? My lucky two dollar bill?
Look, pops.
I wonder what that lady
in the van is up to?
Watch this.
Scared her away.
I guess I just don't have it
anymore, huh?
Come on, pops.
You ain't losing your touch.
Timothy Karnes O'Hara,
the second is the big man.
You remember when I had my own
Chevy agency?
Yup.
Tim O'Hara and Son Motors.
Largest Chevy dealership
in the area.
Yeah, I'd still be sitting
at that mahogany desk
coining money if the EPA
hadn't shut me down.
Say, pops, Digger wants to talk
with you about something serious.
Digger works for a funeral home, that's why
he's always talking about something serious.
That's what happens
when you work at a funeral home.
Hope I'm not intruding on an
important business conversation.
- Oh, hell no, Digger. Have a seat.
- Don't mind if I do.
So, Digger. How's business?
Haven't had a cold one
in ten days.
You know what? I wouldn't mind
a cold one myself right now.
I don't think he means that kind
of cold one, son.
So, how long you been
an embalmer?
22 years I've been
with Heaven's Helpers.
It's gotten so depressing.
Nobody to talk to.
You really think you can sell
cars, huh, Digger?
Oh, I know I can.
I can't wait to start!
Well, you got
the right attitude.
Now the only problem is I can't
pay you anything above commission.
- At least not right now.
- Commission's fine, Big Tim.
- Great. When can you start?
- I don't want to drag my feet.
- How about tomorrow?
- Sounds good to me. How about you, son?
Um, yeah.
Say, look...
I gotta' go help Ralph wash down
some cars on the back lot.
I'll see you two later.
What's eating Tidy?
Oh, he thinks he's a failure
like his old man.
I mean, I haven't sold a car in weeks.
Tidy has, but I haven't.
You're not a failure Big Tim.
Everybody in the neighborhood loves you.
Yeah, everybody I give spare
change to.
You try paying your mortgage,
uh, with love.
You try making a down payment
on a new TV with love.
See how many bags of groceries
love will buy.
You're being cynical.
You let people hang out here and
talk, tell jokes and be human.
Lots of days I'd have gone mad
if I hadn't crossed that street
to pass the time with you
and T.K.O.
There's always something going
on around here.
All I see at the funeral home
are stiffs on their backs.
You know what's the hardest
thing to look at on a dead body?
- No?
- Their feet, Big Tim.
Always in socks or stockings,
those poor feet
look so directionless,
one flopping to one side
and one flopping to the other.
It tears my heart out
every time.
You see, that's why I like
running my own business...
so I can decide
which way my feet are going.
Unfortunately, right now they're
taking me straight to the poor house.
♪ Digging through the trash... ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm out of cash ♪
♪ When I'll I want to do is
Drink the whole day through ♪
♪ Tin cans don't pay much ♪
♪ And plastic bottles ♪
♪ So all I need to do
Is drink a bottle or two ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ♪
♪ Drink some beer and drink some
More and the pain will go away ♪
Ah! Now maybe my fortunes
may change.
Big Tim, have you ever given thought
to the laws of geographic relativity
and how they coincide with the
spiritual laws of reciprocity?
I ain't following you, Fred.
In other words...
do you have a dollar
for a cup of coffee?
A cup of coffee?
You ain't had a cup of coffee in 45 years.
Here, there's fifty cents.
That ain't enough.
Give it back then.
I need it more than you do anyway.
They're my last quarters.
Ralph. Ralph.
- I need 50 cents.
- What was that all about, pops?
Fred. I gave him 50 cents and he said
it wasn't enough. Can you believe that?
Why do you keep him around,
pops?
Well, he's my assistant security guard.
Assistant to Duke.
Ah...
Besides, if I didn't give him
a home, who would?
Pops, your cough's getting
worse, you need to see a doctor.
I hate doctors.
You think we should have hired Digger?
I mean, it might ruin business.
I mean, everybody in town knows
he's an embalmer.
Well, maybe he'll send some live
business our way.
- I'm hungry, Timmy.
- Tidy!
You know, I got a hankering for some chicken
'n' dumplings. Do you remember your mommas?
Oh, he-he. Say, pops, I've got to
put a fuel pump on our '65 Galaxie.
What's wrong with you, son?
You're as jumpy as a June bug on a string.
I'm not jumpy, pops.
It's just I got things to do, okay?
And I can't stand here gumming
with you all day.
♪ Ho-ho-ho It's the good,
the bad And the ugly tonight ♪
♪ Wah, wah, wah ♪
How about some fries
with that shake?
Kick those heels, you wildcat!
Let's see that move again,
sweetheart.
Jiggle them jugs!
Come on.
All right now, next up on stage
is the bombshell herself.
Let's give it up
for Mimi from Miami!
Excuse me!
Come on, let's hear it,
you Pussycat Lovers.
There's my hot tamale,
right there.
♪ You walked out ♪
♪ Then tearing apart again ♪
♪ I got you ♪
♪ Under my skin ♪
♪ I got you ♪
Hey, Mimi.
Do you still have
the Birthday dance?
Is it your birthday, baby?
It's my birthday.
All right, Pussycat dolls,
attention.
We have a birthday in the house.
You should have told me
it was your birthday, Tidy.
Oh, I didn't even remind pops.
Happy Birthday, Timmy.
We need all hands on deck.
We need all of our Pussycat
Dolls, including Mimi from Miami,
Sweet Georgia Peach, Cat
Flashy Cathy, Juicy Jasmine,
Hot Maria Mammacita Maria.
Go get 'em, Timmy. Go wild!
Large Marge and last
but not least, Tiny Tammy!
Come on down, everybody!
All right now, ladies.
I hear he bruises easy.
Ah...
Yeah!
Oh, baby.
It's my birthday!
You! Now get on all fours!
- Crawl.
- Okay.
Come on, doggie.
Oh, yeah. Bark like a dog.
Tiny Tammy's spanking him.
Smile, hot doggie. Woof.
Oh my, that feels good.
- Whoo!
- Yeah, hit it one more time.
All right, all right, ladies.
Let's have a big hand for the ladies.
Ladies, you are now done.
You are now done, please.
Thank you so much and let's hear it for that
naughty, naughty, naughty little doggie.
And thanks for being a good
sport, you little naughty doggie.
Oh...
Tidy, I've been thinking
about you all day.
Oh, I've been thinking about
you too, bombshell.
So, how about a private
birthday dance?
Private birthday dance?
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Okay, follow the shake.
Okay.
I have more for you,
birthday boy.
- Yes, so much more.
- Yeah.
- Follow me to the naughty room.
- Okay, following you.
Go get 'em Tidy. Go get 'em.
Ride 'em hard.
Better lay of them wings, Marge. Next
time Max catches you, you are out of here.
I'm sorry. You're not going
to tell on me are you?
Well, that depends.
Meet you in the deep freezer
for a pile driver, again?
We'll do a 68
and three quarters,
then go around the world
with some mayonnaise on top.
See you in ten.
You ever have chicken
'n' waffles?
I got a coupon.
If you give me
that number, I'll call you.
Oh, boy.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, boy.
Tidy, you make me so hot, baby.
I can't believe...
a strong, sexy, successful man
like you is still single?
Well, you know.
Oh, oh, oh oh.
You are so cute.
Wow. Wow. Oh, boy.
I think she really likes me.
Okay. Okay.
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Round yon virgin
Mother and child ♪
♪ Holy infant.. ♪
Wow.
Bombshell was here.
Bombshell.
Oh.
Bombshell.
"Take a look inside
of the fridge.
It's acting up again. Pops."
Oh, wow.
He got me a birthday cake.
♪ Shepherds quake ♪
♪ At the sight ♪
♪ Glories stream
From heaven... ♪
♪ Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me ♪
♪ Happy Birthday, dear Tidy.
Happy Birthday to me ♪
♪ Ave Maria ♪
♪ Ave Maria ♪
Arnelly Barbara, I love you.
Such a beautiful voice.
Yes.
This message is for Timothy Karnes O'Hara.
This is your 14th phone call from
Loan Ranger Mortgage Company.
Call us at 1-800-666-9999 as
soon as possible. Thank you.
Hey, what's the matter
with you? Get your mask back on.
You know the rules at work,
buddy!
The Loan Danger rise again.
Big Tim, it's Tennessee.
I'm gonna' need that 500 you bet on
Hi Ho Silver to win, Ke-mo sah-bee.
Hi Ho Silver and away.
Listen up, fat man.
I want my money back,
you no good crook!
Madam Stone.
I got to talk to you.
This is Big Tim O'Hara.
Mr. O'Hara. Can you hold,
please?
This is Trixie.
What's your fantasy, baby?
- Trixie?
- Trixie?
- I thought this was Marge.
- Fantasy? Where's Madam Stone?
Where's Marge?
Hello?
- Hello?
- Please hold, sugar.
I thought we were going
for chicken 'n' waffles tonight.
Mr. O'Hara. What can I tell you
about your future?
Oh, Madam Stone.
I'm having the worst run of luck ever.
When will things get better?
Let me look
into my crystal ball.
To continue your call with
Madam Stone, please press the pound key.
A charge of 50 dollars
will apply.
I see you're having poor sales
at your lot.
- Not just poor sales. No sales.
- I see.
I will have to call upon the
Gods of good fortune to help you.
You will need a lucky talisman.
- Got my lucky rabbit's foot.
- Good.
Now, rub your lucky rabbit's
foot and repeat after me.
To continue your call with
Madam Stone, please press the pound key.
A charge of $100 will apply.
- Bad fortune, go away!
- Bad fortune, go away.
Send me a live one, today,
today, today!
Send me a live one,
today, today,
today!
Hey, what's going on there,
pops? You going after leads?
I don't have to son. A couple live
ones just came on the lot. Watch this.
Tidy Tim's Classics.
This is Tidy Tim.
- Hi, Tidy.
- Oh, hey there Mimi.
I need to see you, baby.
I have something
I want to discuss with you.
Are you going to be at the lot
for a little while?
Oh, sure, babe. Come on over.
Okay.
Bye for now, Tidy.
Okay. Bye, bombshell.
See you soon.
Hah. The kid's all mine.
Now I just have to win
over the old man.
The property is in his name.
Well, it will be no contest,
doll-face.
He'll melt in your mouth.
Yeah.
All right, gentlemen, it's time for some
two for one Santa beer and dollar dancing.
That's right, two cold ones
and two hot ladies.
Flashy Cathy's got her camera
ready,
give me some lights
give me some camera,
give me some action
with some booby-liciousness
all wrapped up into a garland bow
of lovely Christmas trinket-nation.
Hey, D.T., did I ever tell you
how the dinosaurs became extinct?
No, Johnny,
I don't think you have.
- I arm-wrestled the last T-Rex.
- Oh, shit!
Well, you know how I lost
my nut, don't you?
- No, I don't think I do.
- Well, you remember John Hinkley?
- Yeah.
- He got Brady in the head?
- That's right. You don't say.
- Yeah.
- Well, here you go D.T.
- Thanks, Johnny.
Ooh, you better have a lot of one's D.T
and new batteries for your new pacemaker.
- Oh, oh.
- All right, baby.
How's that one nut
working out for you?
Ah.
Let's go to the lap dance room, take that
nut of yours and let's go deck the ball.
Let's just hope that pacemaker
of yours don't die on us.
Oh, boy. I hope not.
Ah, I can't catch my breath,
I'm dying.
D.T. phone home.
Call an ambulance, I'm dying.
Call an ambulance. Help.
Stay close, son.
Get the paperwork ready.
- I feel lucky today.
- Yeah.
Go get 'em, pops.
Bitching Caddy.
It probably won't even start,
babe.
Best runner on the lot,
little lady.
Whatever. I'll bet you haven't even changed the
headlight fluid or polished the carburetor.
Hello, I'm Mimi Slaughter.
- I'm a friend of Tidy's.
- Ya'll excuse me.
Any friend of Tidy's
is a friend of mine.
Now, what can I do...
do for you, little lady?
Oh, well, I'm looking for a car
but nothing too fancy.
I don't want to draw attention
to myself.
- Well, you want something that runs, but looks a little used.
- Mm-Hm.
Let me call Timmy out here, he knows
the inventory much better than I do.
Okay.
Will Timothy Karnes O'Hara the Third,
please report to the front lot.
T.K.O. you have a customer.
So, uh, what year is she?
1965, it was a great year
for Cadillacs.
You reckon I can start her up?
Let me make sure
the keys get out here.
Tidy. Bring the key to the '65
Cadillac, when you come out.
- Keys to the '65 Caddy.
- Cool.
Thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
May I ask you, ma'am,
what kind of work you do?
Oh, I work across the street.
I'm a dancer.
You should come by.
We put on quite a show.
Oh, lady you put on quite a show
wherever you go.
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
Hey, pops, keys to the Caddy.
This young lady says she's a friend of yours
and is looking for a common sense car.
Now, if you all will excuse me
just one minute.
Fred, come get your blow-up
doll.
Fred, come get your blow-up
doll.
God!
Come on, Fred.
We in the middle of something
now, Fred, okay?
We'll see you later.
- T.K.O.?
- Oh, technical knockout.
It's a little joke, Mimi.
Oh. Maybe not.
You knock me out.
Uh...
So, uh, imi...
You're really looking for a car?
Well, I'm thinking about it
but I'm thinking about you more.
Yeah... that was my best
birthday ever.
You should bring your father
to the club tonight.
He looks like he could use
a good time.
I'll even tell Juicy Jasmine
to be extra nice to him.
Oh, Juicy Jasmine.
That might be a little awkward,
Mimi.
Why don't you show her
the five-speed car?
It's got a rotten transmission,
pops.
- Well, show her the van.
- Well, that's Fred's home.
Then put her in the Corolla.
Uh, the alternator's shot.
Don't you have anything
that runs?
You just tell me what you're looking
for, honey, and we'll make sure it runs.
Yeah, we will.
Oh, Tidy. I have to go.
I'm sorry.
I'll come by later, okay? I just need
to get my beauty sleep, you know?
- Okay.
- I'll see you later.
So nice to finally meet you,
Mr. O'Hara.
Oh, come back anytime,
little lady.
- Okay. Bye, Tidy.
- Bye, bombshell.
Oh.
How come I get the feeling she
doesn't really want to buy a car?
Oh...
Well, she likes me, pops.
Careful, son. She's got more
curves than a snake in heat.
Well, I'll bet it has a busted strut
and the shocks haven't even been waxed.
Ah, plus, when was the last time
the oil was engined?
Baby, I am getting a really bad
feeling about this car.
Start her up.
Sure thing.
Start her up.
Oh, yeah. Nice.
Purrs like a kitten, doesn't it?
Check out those woofers
in the back.
That's what you hipsters
might call junk in the trunk.
- Hop in, babe.
- No thanks.
I want my money back.
That car you sold me,
it stopped running.
It's a bad battery. No problem.
I'll send Ralph over with a new one.
It's more than a bad battery,
mister.
The engine, she's a sitting
on the street.
Bad mounts. We can remedy that.
Put 'em up, you old crook!
- Well, you old Italian fart!
- I'll kick your ass, Fatso!
I'm gonna' send you back
to Sicily, buddy.
Porca Madonna!
I'm gonna' make you look like Sonny
Corleone when I get through with you.
Okay.
Let's just calm down here, okay.
Calm down, buddy.
We can work this out.
- So, what's the problem?
- I want my money back.
You bought that car As-Is.
You can't have your money back.
My contract say that if the car
break down in 24 hours
then I can exchange one lemon
for another lemon.
Okay, now I tell you what, pal.
Now, we'll give you an exchange, okay?
Just like your contract stipulates.
So, how much did you pay
for the Falcon?
4,500.
Okay. 4,500.
You got $4,500 credit,
now pick yourself out a car here.
I want that one.
- Hey, I saw it first, dude!
- Yeah, he saw it first.
Well, now just a cotton picking minute.
I've almost sold this car.
- Pick out another one.
- No.
My contract says,
if the one lemon break down
I can exchange for another lemon
and I want this lemon.
We gotta' no choice, poppa.
And another thing,
tell your grease monkey over there to
install the 8-track from the Falcon.
He can find it in the street
over there.
I'll be back.
Well, he drives a hard bargain,
doesn't he?
Cheap son-of-a-bitch.
Pops?
Pops? Oh, no. Pops!
Come on, babe. Let's go.
This place is janky.
Agreed.
Pops?
Pops? Are you okay?
- What's going on?
- Digger, call 911!
Pops? Are you still with me?
Pops, it's going to be okay.
We need an ambulance
over at Tidy Tim's Classics,
right away!
Quit your whining, son.
I'm the one dying here!
Okay. Okay.
Ow! There goes my prostate!
Yeah, Tennessee. I know I still owe you
the $500, but this one's a mortal lock.
I got it from Mike
Lucky English.
Okay, what's your pick?
I want you to put 500
on the nose,
Purple Rainbow, Churchill Downs,
fifth race tomorrow.
Purple Rainbow?
Who gave you that tip, Prince?
And thank you, Mrs. Rooney,
once again for calling.
Yes, I'm doing fine.
I'll talk to you later.
- Mrs. Rooney, she's a sweetheart.
- Hey, pops. I know.
Tell me now, son. Am I dying?
Oh, no, pops.
- You just had a panic attack.
- I had a heart attack, son.
No. Panic attacks and heart attacks,
they feel about the same, pops.
He's right, Mr. O'Hara.
Panic attacks often mimic heart attacks, rapid
breathing, shortness of breath, sweating.
People often mistake one
for the other.
Will you take my nurse, pulse?
My purse, nurse?
My pulse, nurse?
It'd calm me down if I know it's normal.
Sure.
- Oh, your last name is Bottoms?
- I've heard all the jokes, Mr. O'Hara.
Bottoms up. Your future's behind you.
All that.
75 beats a minute,
can't get much better than that.
And that's with a pretty nurse
holding my hand.
No, no, no. The only reason I ask you is I
used to know this fellow named Harry Bottoms.
His name was Bill, but we called
him Harry and his wife Katie.
Bill Bottoms is my father
and Katie is my mother.
- She a redhead?
- Mm, used to be.
Small world.
By the way,
your blood work came back great.
I think the doctor will release
you this afternoon.
Uh, my names Tim O'Hara two.
Thanks for your help,
Nurse Bottoms.
- Sure.
- He's Tidy Tim.
Tidy Tim? Oh, I get it.
Like the Dickens character.
I love that story,
it's so heart-warming.
His momma nicknamed him that
'cause he used to make neat little
stacks of the spare change we'd give him.
- Nurse Bottoms, please report to the ER.
- Ooh, gotta' go.
Bye.
Now that's the kind of girl
you need. A trifecta.
A... trifecta, pops?
Yeah, sweet, good looking,
and warm-hearted.
Wow. And you found all that out
in one bedside chat?
I knew Katie
before she married Harry.
She was a trifecta then.
Harry's a lucky man,
I can tell you that much.
Say, pops...
I hate to ask but...
how are we going to pay
for this hospital visit?
Well, I can always sell the vacant lot.
But I sure as hell hate to.
I mean,
that's my emergency fund.
I'd hate to give it to the
hospital or the Loan Ranger.
Pops, that doctor did suggest
you having a chest x-ray.
If it's lung cancer,
I don't want to know, son.
Plus, this place is more expensive
than the honeymoon suite at the Ritz.
- Oh, yeah? Hello?
- How's Big Tim doing?
Oh, hey, there, Digger.
Pops just had a panic attack.
Well, he's doing a lot better.
Uh, anything going on
at the lot?
Well, a lady named Mimi
dropped by.
I told her you'd taken Big Tim
to the hospital.
That spun her around.
- Hey, when you coming back?
- We'll be back in a few hours.
You just hold down the fort,
okay?
- All right. See you.
- Yeah, okay. Bye.
- Hey, son.
- Hey, Big Tim. Hey, Tidy.
A little lady came by
and dropped these off for you.
Oh. Just give that to Tidy.
Thanks, son.
Hey, hanks.
That's two balloons now, son.
I'm getting popular.
Mm.
Silly little card.
"Get better soon, Big Daddy.
Love, Mimi."
Wow.
Bombshell's okay.
Yeah. Very thoughtful...
but what's she being thoughtful
about?
Well, what do you mean, pops?
She's a double-whammy, son.
- A... double-whammy?
- Yeah.
She's good looking
and sneaky as a snake.
Man hasn't got a chance
to survive that kind.
Mm.
- What's for lunch?
- Oh, what do you want?
Oh, you going to get it?
Give me a double cheeseburger,
double fries and a diet soda.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm trying to cut down a little bit.
Yeah, okay. Uh, anything else?
Maybe some chili on the side
and a chocolate chip cookie.
You got it, pops.
You just rest and I'll be right back.
Okay, hurry 'cause I don't want to eat that damn
hospital food again, I can tell you that much.
Nice photos, Patches.
Mm...
So, what do you think,
Princess Coolwater?
This vacant lot is perfect
for my casino and cigar shop.
We must meet with these people
at Tidy Tim's to negotiate.
Have Miss Brown run the numbers
and see what makes sense.
Very well.
And darling, before you do that. Do tell me
that story again about how you lost your eye?
It amuses me so.
Well, Princess.
I was walking through the jungle
and a giant pterodactyl
came swooping down
and ripped my eye
right out of its socket.
Then, I took my meat cleaver
and decapitated him
and then I ate the head
just like he ate my eyeball.
- Then...
- Alright, that's enough darling.
Off you go.
Princess.
Run the numbers, Miss Brown.
Hello, Grandfather.
Are you proud of me?
I now pronounce you
Mr. and Mrs. Tidy Tim.
Uh, Tidy,
you may kiss the bride.
Hello, Tidy Tim.
Oh, uh... Hey, there, Mimi.
It's good to see you.
You know, Tidy, when I came
by the lot yesterday...
I almost cried when Digger told me
what happened to your dear father.
Is he all right?
Well, yeah. It's just
a panic attack, bombshell.
Digger's with him
at the hospital right now.
They're...
they're playing cards.
I'm so glad to hear that.
It was so sweet of you to drop
by with the balloon and the note,
the flowers and everything.
- Pops really appreciated it.
- Well, what are friends for?
We help each other when in need.
Actually, I feel like we're
already becoming more than friends,
pretty quickly.
It's kinda scary.
You know, Tidy,
can I ask you something?
Sure, bombshell. What's that?
You don't do much business
anymore, do you?
Well, I mean, I don't know.
It's Christmas time.
I mean, people don't really buy a whole lot at
Christmas time. They certainly don't buy cars.
Silly,
that's when people do buy cars.
Tidy, you're not facing reality
and neither is your father.
Oh... I mean, come on, Mimi. I mean, come
spring time, folks will flock to the lot.
They always do.
Tidy, it's time
to put on your big boy pants.
Your pops is getting older.
He should sell out and retire.
And you need to start
being your own man.
Oh, I don't know, Mimi. I mean,
pops does the taxes and all the paperwork.
And basically, you see, I'm just a closer.
You know, I come in and just close the deal.
Tidy, don't denigrate yourself. I mean,
surely, you want more for yourself.
You don't always have
to live with pops, you know.
Oh, I don't know, Mimi.
I mean, who'd buy this place?
I mean, it would probably
backfire on them as well.
Jiffy sauce.
Ah...
Well, I know for a fact that the
Pussycat is looking to expand.
Max is looking at property
across the city.
But I could tell him to look
here in his own back yard.
Really, bombshell?
- You'd do that?
- I already have.
Oh, you're such a friend. How much is the
Pussycat talking about here, money-wise?
He is willing to offer you 10,000
dollars for the vacant lot.
Oh, I don't know, Mimi. Pops paid like
20 grand for it over 15 years ago.
- I don't think that's enough.
- He's never improved it.
Yeah, that's true.
But it's still a high demographic location
and I don't know that pops would even
consider selling. This is his life, you know.
And it's giving him panic attacks.
I mean, what kind of life is that?
Yeah, that's true.
And he thinks, he has lung cancer, Mimi.
Let me talk to Max.
Maybe I can get him to come up to 15,000.
Wow! Fifteen thousand!
Oh, Tidy. You've been mighty nice
to me and I never forget my friends.
Uh, excuse me.
Ah, God damnit!
Uh, I'm here to talk, uh, to the owner
of this, uh... this establishment.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, he's taken the day off.
I'm his son and sales manager.
Can I help you?
You certainly can.
I'm Dick. Prickles.
Dick Prickles.
I'm a City Field Inspector. See?
In the business licensing
department.
- Can you read that?
- Yeah, uh-huh.
Okay. You're going to have to stop
selling your plastic figurines
and chachkies and knick-knacks
and what not. Okay?
'Cause you don't have a license
to sell that kind of merchandise.
Well, everyone on the strip
hustles something on the side.
I mean, the used furniture store
sells refurbished laptops
and Don's Fruit Market
sells beanie babies
and I happen to know for a fact that Freddy's
Retreads, well, they... they sell condoms.
Well, I really
wouldn't know anything about that.
I'm just here
to respond to a complaint.
- And who filed this complaint?
- I can't answer that, lady.
I'm just a field inspector.
The complaint says that this lot has been
selling merchandise against their license.
So, you know what I'm going to do, as a
favor. I'm going to issue you a warning
and tell the owner he has thirty days to
correct the situation and we'll be fine.
Oh! It's just terrible.
A hard working man can't run his business
without being harassed by city bureaucrats.
Mm-Hm. Well, you're entitled
to your, uh...
opinion...
Ma'am.
So, this is an official warning.
So, either correct the situation or face
a twenty-five hundred dollar fine. Got it?
Hey... Mr... Pickles?
Didn't we sell you a car
about six months ago?
My name is Mr. Prickles.
Not Pickles. Okay?
Prickles. Prick!
Prick! Not Pick. Prickles.
P-R-I-C-K-L-E-S. Got it?
And, yes, I did.
I got a 2007 Dodge Caravan. Thank you.
Yeah, and let me guess?
It broke down the day after you bought it?
No. Why? No, it's great.
It runs like a top.
I wouldn't sell it for three times the
price I paid for it. Love it! Oh, okay.
You think this is some kind
of personal vendetta?
- Well, it crossed my mind.
- Well, it's not. It's not.
I'm just doing my job. I don't like to
issue these warnings. I really don't.
You know, just my job and by the way,
it's not the safest job in the world.
This guy right here probably
has a shank in his back pocket
and you're lucky I'm not citing your mechanic
here for smoking in front of flammable substances
or handing you a municipal code
citation for a very bad wig.
You weren't really making much
on that stuff anyway.
Yeah, but they're attention
grabbers, bombshell.
Uh, pops is going to be
real steamed, that's for sure.
Oh, Tidy, I mean,
your business is shrinking
but you have
an amazing opportunity.
Someone is willing to buy the whole
shebang. I mean, how lucky can you get?
We're in the midst of our annual
Christmas sell-a-thon, Mimi,
and we've sold a total of
one car and it came back to us.
Well, that's the real joke.
Here you go, Tidy.
Take a puff.
It'll make you feel real good.
All right, get it in there. Here you go.
That's it.
Oh, no, no. I'm all yours.
- I don't think is here.
- I'm always here.
- Get the door.
- Why?
I like when you get
the door, it's so romantic.
Yeah, fine.
- Hey, Max.
- What?
I got a surprise for you.
We got them by the balls now, Max.
So, uh, what?
You tightened the screws?
The city has made them stop selling
their knick-knacks and plaster shit.
They can't even buy
a bag of groceries.
And how'd that happen?
Oh, a phone call
from a disgruntled citizen.
You can be a true ball buster,
Mimi.
Oh.
You love me anyways,
don't you, Maxie?
Sure, baby.
You know something?
The corporation promised me the Vegas spot
if I can pull off this real estate coop.
Yeah, and I was thinking who could be my
official star assistant and show stopper?
None other than,
Mimi the Vegas Vixen!
Oh! I just love it when you go off
on your flights of fantasy, Max.
Oh, it's no flight of fantasy, doll-face. You get
those suckers to, uh, sign on the dotted line
and we'll have us a one way
ticket to the big time.
Oh! Tell me more, Max.
Well, we'll live the high-life, baby.
We'll sleep as late as we want.
Caviar for lunch,
duck under glass for dinner.
Oh! Can I buy a matching pair
of shih-tzus?
- Well, yeah baby.
- And a mink coat?
- Yeah.
- And a diamond necklace?
- Sure.
- And a matching bracelet?
- Okay.
- Ah! And a red Firebird convertible?
All right, all right.
Let me tell you something.
I had the, uh, hots for you
since day one.
The day I started
on the job here?
That's right. The minute
you waltzed across that stage,
flashing that sweet butt of
yours, onion tight in your jeans.
I nearly blew me a gasket.
And I thought you were
the coolest guy I'd ever met.
- So commanding and with a tight butt too.
- Oh.
I do squats.
We need to get a lawyer
to draw up the papers
so I can get these morons
to sign while the iron's hot.
Don't you worry about that,
doll-face.
The lawyers are going to fax me
the papers tonight.
It's all coming together,
isn't it, Max?
Yeah.
Max!
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Oh.
Sell all those figurines and
knick-knacks, Timmy? That's great news.
Oh, yeah. I'm afraid not, pops.
A city inspector came by and said
we're not licensed by the city
to sell that kind of product.
And then,
he threw a condom at me.
I'll be damned.
You know, that's the last straw.
If the fickle public don't
do you in, the government will.
This ain't a free country anymore, T.K.O.
It's a clicky-club,
run by the rich to make themselves richer,
aided and abetted by the government.
A man needs a license
these days to take a good crap.
- You need cough medicine, pops.
- I need a transfusion, son.
A money transfusion,
that's my cure.
Oh, uh, Mimi came by.
She bought a new car?
Top of the line?
- Uh, no.
- Oh, damn.
But, she did say the Pussycat Showcase might
be interested in purchasing our vacant lot.
Really?
How much they willing to pay?
Oh... Fifteen thousand.
Bullshit!
That's a ridiculous offer.
Well, it's our only offer, pops.
I mean, think about it.
Who in his right mind
would want the damn lot?
Well, you got a point.
What are we going to do, son?
I don't know.
I guess I could always get a second
job, while you hold down the fort here.
Let's face it, son.
I'm an old man and I'm busted up just like
one of them junkers out on the back lot.
And it doesn't matter you're the best
closer in the business, you don't look it.
You've got to look professional
in this business.
I don't know, pops.
I'm proud of us.
I mean, it takes courage
to run your own business.
Yeah, but I got a mortgage to pay and...
I'm dying. I can feel it in my bones.
Come on, pops. You been saying
that for the last ten years.
Yeah, but it's a lot worse
than it was ten years ago.
What the hell is Ralph doing
out there with that jackhammer?
Oh, uh, well, he said something about
making himself a small oil change pit.
I can't get no peace around here.
My vision is blurry. I see two Tidys.
It's all screwed up. I've got to go
to the hospital and take them tests.
I was hoping you'd, you know,
maybe give me some of that money
you inherited
from your Aunt Mattie.
Well, look pops. You know
everything I have is yours, right?
- Mm-Hm.
- Uh-huh.
Trouble is, I don't have
anything right now. I'm broke.
You trying to get a rise out of me, son.
You know I got a mortgage to pay.
I'm out of money.
You blew 20,000 dollars in two months.
Tell me you're lying, son.
Oh...
- I spent it, pops.
- On what?
Living the high-life.
You into drugs?
No.
You threw it away on the ponies?
No.
You bought 20,000 dollars worth of
lottery tickets to turn into a million?
Mm, uh-uh.
You played the 500 dollar
slot machine at the casino?
- No.
- Then what did you do with it?
I gave it to the gals
at the Pussycat Showcase.
- For what?
- Well, they like me, pops.
Oh, look, you know how hard it
is for me to get a girl, right?
And I'd walk into the Pussycat every night
and they'd make fools of themselves over me.
Look, I've got some pictures
right here. See?
- Yeah. Mm-Hm.
- Yeah.
- Mm-Hm.
- That's a good one too.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- And that's my favorite.
Oh, they have some pretty girls.
You are going to have some sizzling memories
when they haul us away to debtor's prison.
There isn't such a thing, pops.
There's always the gutter, son, and maybe a
homeless shelter. Now what am I going to do?
I got to get to the hospital
and get them tests.
I got a mortgage to pay.
Where's the money going to come from, son?
Timmy, you cut our throats.
- Oh, pops.
- Oh, my heads aching!
Pops! Pops! Pops!
Oh, I'm sorry, pops. I'm sorry.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, 911? Uh, yeah,
this is Tidy Tim's Classics.
Send over... Send over an ambulance.
Yeah, send one over right now!
Tidy! Tidy!
I have an offer for you.
I have the papers right here.
See.
All I need is your daddy's signature.
Where's Big Tim?
Uh, he's in the hospital again,
Mimi. He... he collapsed.
Oh, no.
And after all the trouble
I've gone to.
Look, I'll... I'll get him to
sign the papers when he gets out.
But, Tidy! This offer
is only good for 24 hours.
Well, what do you suggest
we do, Mimi?
Well, let's take the papers
to him, right now.
I can't leave the lot
unattended.
I mean,
Digger hasn't even shown up yet.
Do you really think it matters if you leave
the lot for a few hours or all day even?
You don't have any business.
Well, we're not selling
most of our cars
because people keep coming up to the
lot and stealing car parts or batteries.
They don't run because of that
and we can't sell them.
Sound like you need
a night guard.
Oh, well, we've got Duke and...
and, uh, Fred.
Tidy, your future depends on this deal
and you refuse to help make it happen.
You're talking business to me right
now, Mimi, and pops is in the hospital.
I can't think straight
right now.
Tidy,
I know you can't think straight.
That's why I'm trying to do it
for you.
Tidy, this offer is a miracle
waiting to happen.
Just don't pressure me anymore, Mimi.
I can't take any more pressure right now.
- Hey, Tidy. How's the old man?
- Oh, hey there, Digger.
I'm worried sick about him.
He's back in the hospital.
Big Tim is one tough customer, T.K.O.
He just needs a break.
And I am trying to give him one.
Tidy, are we going?
We have to get these papers
signed right now.
- What papers?
- Oh, I'm sorry, Digger.
I should have introduced you.
Uh, this is Mimi Slaughter and she works
at the Pussycat Showcase across the street.
And she said the club might be
interested in purchasing our vacant lot.
We've met.
What's this about a buyout?
Well, we're on our last legs, Digger, uh...
That's the truth of the matter.
What's your offer?
That is none of your business,
right, Tidy?
- Fifteen-thou.
- That doesn't sound like enough.
Tidy, I have a big surprise for
you and pops. Now, are we going?
Or, do I have to turn around
and go right back to the club?
Oh, we're going, bombshell.
We... We're going.
Good. I'll meet you
at the hospital, okay?
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye. Bye.
Hmph!
Uh, Digger. Now look, if anyone shows up at the
lot you show them this bug right here, okay.
It's a reduced price.
Don't worry about the lot, Tidy.
Just tell Big Tim to hurry on home.
Hospitals are no fun.
- That's right.
- Sure.
Hey, where's the Big Man at?
I want to pay him the thirteen-seventy-five
I owe for that Indian head, dawg.
Mr. O'Hara won't be back
for a while.
I reckon I can take
your payment.
Here you go. Write it in the books
that Brave Coolwater pays his debt.
Hey, can I have
a receipt for that?
Uh, that here's my auntie
Princess Coolwater,
grand-daughter of the great
Wampuntang Chief, Black Lake.
Hey, uh, whatever I said
about that backside lobotomy
and saying or thinking
she was from England?
I didn't say that, all right?
Um, nice to meet you, ma'am.
She wanted to speak with Mr. O'Hara herself.
Says the Indian Head I got her
looks like the old Chief
and she was wondering if it was
based on an old portrait, man?
I wouldn't know about that but, uh,
you can ask Big Tim when he comes back.
Can I buy that rooster?
I'm sorry,
we can't sell these right now.
What? Are they in jail?
Them police is crazy.
I thought this was
a free country, man.
They're not exactly locked up.
I don't think Mr. O'Hara has the proper
license to sell these products right now,
though I don't know
the whole story.
Can I sell you a car?
You look like you could appreciate
a Cadillac, lightly used.
Shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want to ride
in no hearse if that's what you're driving at.
I'll be riding in back of one
of them soon enough, man.
- Hey, you ready, auntie?
- Nephew, darling, come here.
That lot right across the street
is absolutely perfect for our
tribe's Casino and Cigar shop,
the right size with
the right high-traffic location.
Oh, I'm sorry sir.
I am the C.E.O of the Wampuntang
tribe's casino operations,
we are extremely interested in that
site depending on demographic study
as well as high traffic count.
Mr. O'Hara just received another offer on that
lot and how much is your tribe willing to pay?
- What is the other offer, sir?
- I can't divulge that.
Very well.
I want that site for my tribe.
I am willing to pay close
to seven figures.
Now, you tell Mr. O'Hara
that I am ready to talk turkey.
Let's go, darling.
Now I'm ready.
Good day to you, sir.
Shit. I want one of them
roosters, man.
General hospital.
I'm trying to reach
Mr. Timothy O'Hara.
Mm. What room is he in?
No, I don't know
which room he's in.
Uh.
- He's in room 269.
- Okay, would you try that room?
- It's busy.
- Can you break in on the line?
- Uh, no.
- Only the doctor can do that.
Thank you.
Hello? Hello?
Hey, pops. How you feeling?
- He sounds like I feel.
- What did the doctor say?
I have a severe allergy
to dander.
Wow! That's great news, pops!
- Yeah, I'm allergic to old Duke.
- Oh, God! What a relief!
Yeah, you can say that again.
I don't have to worry about the big C.
You know, everyone in the neighborhood
has been asking about you.
Well, that's nice.
I don't suppose you sold any cars today?
No. There's no good news
on that front.
I'm afraid our only way out,
pops, is...
we're going to have to negotiate
with the Pussycat people.
I hate to give it away, son.
Maybe we ought, uh, you know,
to get it listed with a good realtor.
Well, that's a good idea, pops,
but that takes time.
And that's not time we have right now.
You... see we're under the gun.
- Oh, yeah. Hello?
- Mr. Big Tim?
Who is this?
This is world renowned psychic
Madam Stone.
I must speak with your father,
it's very important!
- Who is it, Timmy?
- Madam Stone? I...
Madam Stone?
I see great danger
coming to you, Big Tim.
- What is it? Am I dying?
- No. Something much more wicked.
Something wicked this way comes.
Oh, is it U.F.O's?
Back taxes? Trump?
Beware. Blondie is on the march.
Blondie?
But I always liked her music.
Not that blondie, Mr. Big Tim,
the curvy snake in stilettos.
You don't look sick to me,
Mr. O'Hara.
- Hi. Here you go.
- I'm not.
I just came here to get a good
meal and flirt with the nurses.
Well, I have great news for you.
The club is willing to offer you
15,000 for the vacant lot.
Yeah? Well, that's not enough.
How about 50,000?
- Oh, now, you're talking, lady.
- Fifty thousand for both lots.
Pops, you... said we needed
a money transfusion.
Transfusion or bleeding, son?
Oh, Tidy's just trying to do
what's right for you, Mr. O'Hara.
Excuse me, Tidy.
I have the contract right here,
see, along with a certified
check for 50,000 dollars.
All I need is your signature,
Mr. O'Hara.
Let me see that.
Looks legit. What do you think,
son? Should I sell it?
I guess so, pops. I mean,
I don't think we have much of a choice.
Well, this offer is only good
for 24 hours.
Oh, what the hell. Give me the pen.
Damn pen
aren't got no ink in it.
My sentiments exactly, D.T.
- Tidy, do you have a pen?
- Oh, um, let me see here.
- Oh, I have a pencil.
- Shit.
Um, I'll run to the nurses' station and
I'll borrow a pen. I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Oh.
What do you think, pops?
I mean, 50 grand, that's not bad, huh?
But I'm not sure about her.
You know what I mean?
Big Tim?
What... What's the matter?
Is the lot on fire?
You haven't signed
that contract yet, have you?
I ain't put my John Henry on it.
- Thank God! Don't sign it.
- Why not?
Another offer's on the table.
A biggie.
What you talking about, Digger?
That man you sold the plaster Indian to,
his auntie's big in the Indian tribe.
Wampon something.
And she wants the lot for the
tribes' casino and cigar shop.
- She's talking near 7 figures!
- Wow!
How big is this auntie
in the tribe?
She's the granddaughter of Chief Black Lake
and heads the tribe's casino operations.
She's no small potatoes.
Oh!
Here, the angel of death returns.
Let's clip her wings, boys.
A pen, Mr. O'Hara.
Oh, it's about time.
I'm ready to sign.
- There you are.
- Yeah.
- Right there, go ahead.
- All righty.
You know, could somebody
just adjust my pillows?
I'm laying
right on my aching back.
Of course. Let me.
- Oh, thank you.
- All right.
- Okay, how's that, Mr. O'Hara?
- A little higher maybe.
Okay, ah. Ah. Ah.
How about there?
That's a little too low,
I think.
How's that, Mr. O'Hara?
You still haven't got it right,
Mimi.
Would you help adjust your
father in the correct position?
I'm just so nervous.
Oh, sure, Mimi. Just calm down.
Hey, pops. Here, let's go.
That way and up here.
Like that and get the leg up and
a little tuck right here. Yeah.
Damnit, boy!
Can't you do anything right.
- You turned me into a pretzel!
- Let me give it a shot.
Let me untangle your leg,
Mr. O'Hara.
- Oh, my God!
- Piss all over the place.
I knew I should have gone up and gone to
the bathroom. I was just too damn lazy.
I better call for the nurse.
Ah, pee clean up in 216 B. There's a
pee clean up in 216 B. Thank you, all.
Just sign the contract
before something else happens.
Oh, sure, just let me sit up
just a little.
Oh! Oh!
Now, look, what you've done
to the papers. Max is gonna...
kill me.
Oops.
Uh, pops.
Oh, yeah,
why don't you pick it up?
If you pick it up and dry it
off, I'll sign it for you.
- Yeah. He'll sign it.
- Oh, I can't stick my hands in a puddle of piss.
Oh, you can't?
Well, you're going to have to if
you want pops to sign the contract.
Digger? Would you pick up
the contract for me?
I'm sorry, ma'am. I have to...
I have to take a leak.
Oh, Elizabeth put on a chicken
and dumplings
and a peach cobbler if you've got
the time 'cause I'm coming home.
- What's going on here?
- Mimi knocked my bed pan over.
It's dry enough to sign,
Mr. O'Hara.
Miss? You have to leave.
Oh, it will just take a sec,
okay? Please.
I'll get someone
to clean up that mess.
All right, then. Right here.
Well, I can't read this.
The prints all blurred. I'm not
going to sign nothing I can't read.
Please, Mr. O'Hara. Just sign it.
All I need is your signature.
Yeah. Well, all people in hell
need is a pitcher of ice water.
I'm dying!
Call... Call the nurse.
- Tidy, go get the nurse!
- Call the nurse, I'm dying!
- Quick.
- Okay. I'll go get her.
Oh. I'll never get
this contract signed.
I'm dying. Ah!
I've given you enough time to finish your
business. Now, I must ask you to leave.
But he just said
he would sign it.
- Oh, I'll sign it.
- Please, just a few more minutes.
No, I'm sorry.
We have a hospital to run.
Now, please leave before
I am forced to call security.
Please. Mr. O'Hara just sign it! Tidy, I'm
doing this for us. I just need a few minutes.
Tidy, I'm doing this for us.
Please!
- Oh.
- I broke my shoe.
What's the matter, D.T.?
Is your pacemaker acting up again?
- Oh...
- I'll call you later, Tidy.
Okay, then just try to relax, okay.
Your dinner will be here soon.
Hey, nurse, would you pick up
my hat for me? I dropped it.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
There's a girl for you.
I tell you.
- Thank you.
- There you go.
The pulmonary specialist has a
prescription for an antihistamine for you.
As soon as you sign the discharge
papers, you're free to go.
Yeah, I'll be glad to sign
those papers, Miss Bottoms.
Ah, Miss Julie? Julie?
Uh, thanks for helping us out with Mimi.
My pleasure.
She was a handful though.
You know, I noticed
you don't have a ring on.
Your son noticed too, Mr. O'Hara.
He's coming over this weekend.
♪ Sudden changes
Make you wonder ♪
♪ They make you want to learn ♪
♪ They say the changing world
Is always looking for someone ♪
♪ To lay its fingers
On my love ♪
♪ Sudden changes
Got your number ♪
♪ Today could be your turn ♪
♪ So in the coming weeks
And months ♪
♪ And all them important years ♪
♪ Please hold each moment close
My dear ♪
♪ This ever changing world
Is always looking for someone ♪
The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, does it, son?
Yeah, pops we're going
to watch a movie together.
Debbie Does...
I mean, A Christmas Carol.
The classic one
with Basil Rathbone.
I think he's Sherlock, son.
I'll see you this weekend, Tidy. And, Mr. O'Hara,
if I don't see you again, good luck.
Something tells me you will,
Julie, something tells me you will.
- Bye, Julie.
- Bye, Tidy.
Guess what?
When we get all that money, I'm going
to build a brick building on the lot
and each one of us is going
to have our own private offices.
- You mean it?
- Well, hell, yeah, I mean it.
If I get enough money, I'll build a homeless
shelter and maybe an animal shelter too,
you know, 'cause Duke's going to have
to live somewhere else now and Fred too.
We can't have him
living in the van.
Oh, that's true, pops.
It's not good for our reputation.
You know, I'm so happy I'm going
to buy Fred a bottle of poppy.
Hey, let's blow this joint.
Fire me up, D.T.
That's my man.
Ah, that's what
I'm talking about.
One of the greatest pleasures
left on earth.
- Let me try some of that, pops.
- Oh.
You shouldn't smoke, son.
It's bad for. I told you.
I almost hate to leave you, D.T.
You know what, that homeless shelter.
We're going to save
some room for you.
Oh, Max, honey.
How am I going to get
my red Firebird now?
It's what I wanted
for Christmas.
Oh, Santa has a little surprise
for the bums next door.
Really?
Like what?
Well, their idiot mechanic
came into the club last night
looking for that big sexy girl
I fired.
- Large Marge?
- Yeah. She was eating us out of business.
Anyway, the idiot got drunk on Santa beer
and he spilled the beans to Tiny Tammy.
What are you talking about?
What beans?
Well, with all that jack-hammering he
did, he opened up a mess.
Their ground
is completely contaminated
and who do you think, uh,
notified the proper authorities?
That's right the E.P.A. man
will be on site tomorrow.
Oh, my God! Max, that's the day before
Christmas! Oh, I am so proud of you.
Their turkey dinner
is going to turn to poop.
By the time I get done with them, they're
going to want to give me their damned land.
But as for you, my dear, your red Firebird convertible.
Max! Oh, yes!
Merry Christmas to me, baby.
It's all about Mimi. Yeah.
Oh, she's all mine.
She's gorgeous just like me.
Bye.
See you later, sucker! Ha!
♪ Jingle Bells... ♪
♪ Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh what fun it is to ride in
A one horse open sleigh, hey! ♪
Bah-humbug!
- Pops? What's wrong?
- The E.P.A. is on its way.
Our lot's contaminated.
Merry Christmas, Timmy.
Well... The E.P.A.?
Will Filthy Ralph Cheeks please
report to the front lot, ASAP.
- This is an emergency!
- Did you call me, boss?
- Here you go, baby.
- Damnit, Ralph.
You brought my whole house down! Your
jack-hammering is going to wipe us off the map!
I... I'm not following you.
You uncovered underground
contamination, man.
Somebody must have seen you.
They have eyes everywhere.
And... that's important, why?
Just take it easy, pops.
Okay? It will be okay.
♪ Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Help me get drunk ♪
- Yeah, hello?
- Hi, Tidy.
Oh! Hi, Julie.
I baked Christmas cookies for us tonight
and rented A Christmas Carol to watch.
Wow!
That's... That's great, Julie.
You got any spare change,
mister?
Guess what? There's Christmas
presents under the tree.
Presents? Uh, under the tree?
Oh, no.
The E.P.A., man, he's back. Oh, no.
He might shut us down for good.
Mr. Tim Karnes O'Hara II,
we meet again.
Oh, the ghost of Christmas past,
come to bury me.
Just doing my job.
Where's the contamination site?
I... It's in the back.
You just rear ended my city car!
Send the bill to the fat man.
He wouldn't fix my brakes.
Hey, grease monkey, my 8-track,
she stopped working!
Presents?
Tidy? Are you okay?
Pops can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Apple doesn't fall far
from the tree.
Come over and I'll explain,
okay?
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Watch the E.P.A., man.
I'll have to get
my equipment. I'll be right back.
Keep your eye on him.
I need to sit down.
I'm going to check out
Ralph's hole before he does.
What did you do to my car?
Get out.
Oh, my God!
Crapped all over my seat.
I want my 8-track fixed now.
I'll fix it tomorrow.
Tomorrow's Christmas,
Jesus' birthday.
Elizabeth! Start cooking the chicken
and dumplings, I'm coming home.
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
- What's Digger hollering about?
- I don't know, pops.
We better go check it out.
Come on.
Yahoo!
They don't call me Digger for nothing.
My grandfather was an oil prospector.
This isn't contamination. It's crude oil!
You're sitting on top of oil, Big Tim!
- I'll be damned.
- Porca, Madonna.
Well, I guess I'm not a grease monkey
anymore, baby. I'm an oil monkey.
What a Christmas present!
- Just in the Saint Nic of time.
- Wow!
Merry Christmas, pops!
Merry Christmas!
God. Phooey!
♪ Joy to the world
The Lord is king ♪
♪ Let earth receive His Grace ♪
Tidy!
Tidy!
♪ Let heaven and nature sing
Let heaven and nature sing ♪
- Tidy?
- Julie?
- Merry Christmas, Tidy!
- Merry Christmas!
It's going to be
the best Christmas ever.
God bless Tidy Tim's.
♪ Joy to the world
The Lord is come ♪
♪ Let earth receive her King ♪
♪ Let every heart
Prepare Him room ♪
♪ And Heaven and nature sing
And Heaven and nature sing ♪
♪ And Heaven and Heaven
And nature sing ♪
♪ Joy to the World
The Savior reigns ♪
♪ Let men their songs employ ♪
♪ Joy to the World
The Savior reigns ♪
♪ Let men their songs employ ♪
♪ While fields and floods
Rocks, hills and plains ♪
♪ Repeat the sounding joy
Repeat the sounding joy ♪
♪ Repeat, repeat
The sounding joy ♪
♪ He rules the world
With truth and grace ♪
♪ And makes the nations prove ♪
♪ The light
Of His righteousness ♪
♪ And wonders of His love
And wonders of His love ♪
♪ And wonders of His love And
wonders, wonders Of His love ♪
♪ Joy to the world
The Lord has come ♪
♪ Let the earth
Receive her king ♪
♪ Let every heart
Prepare Him room ♪
♪ And Heaven and nature sing
And Heaven and nature sing ♪
♪ And Heaven and Heaven
And nature sing ♪
♪ And Heaven and Heaven
And nature sing ♪