Tides (2017) - full transcript

Jon.

- Hey, man.
- Yeah.

- Parked up?
- Yeah.

- Parked up.
- Nice. Anything left to do?

Yeah. I've got to gonna sign
some papers.

Okay, mate.
I'll wait with this stuff.

Okay. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He's, um...

- I'll wait with him.
- Yeah.

- No problem. Yeah.
- You all right?

- Cool.
- Okay. See you in a sec.



See you in a bit.

We have got some more
coming along and some...

- Hiya.
- Hi. You all right?

- I'm all right. Ready?
- Yes.

Brilliant. All right.
Let's get you booked in.

What's all this then?

- These are your booking forms.
- Right, okay.

I literally just need
a signature on there.

And I can give you
a receipt and everything.

Excellente.

This is where you sign
your life away.

Is this it?

Yeah.

Hey.



Probably easier to put
some of you in and load

- through the side hatch.
- Like this side?

- We can pass it over?
- Yeah.

Lovely.

Give it a go. Do you just
climb in through there?

Yeah. I think so. Side hatch.

Fucking hell. All right.

So... Can I get out through...
Do I have to come back out,

- to come around?
- That's all right.

You can walk through
if you want.

Okay, cool.

This is it.
This is happening.

- Have you been on?
- No.

- This is it.
- All done.

Ready? I have to run
through some stuff

- with you guys.
- Okay. Yeah.

Basically, safety,
rules of the river.

- What to do, what not to do.
- All right.

Well then,
go through "man overboard".

- Tell you about some locks.
- Yeah.

And we'll run through the boat
and show you around as well.

- All right?
- Brilliant. Brilliant.

So, first one, correct position
of the stern, in the steer.

- All right.
- Right.

- So we wouldn't stand here...
- Mm-hmm.

Because if we were to hit
anything in the water...

It would just
throw us overboard.

All right? So idea is to kind of
stand here at a sideways angle.

And then you've got free
movement left and right there.

- Yeah.
- All right?

Trees are another one, guys.

Tree branches hang down.
Your mates call you.

You're going along.
They call you over there.

You wave at them, and slap,
straight in the face, all right?

That hurts. All right.

Locks. Beware of the
lock sill, all right?

Basically,
it's a concrete shelf.

It's got two white lines.

If you come down and you land,
the back of the boat

on the way down
onto a lock sill,

something's gonna bend up
and water's gonna come into

your boat, all right.
Normally, you sink.

It's a lot of information,
innit?

Yeah. There's more.

This is... This is only
page one, guys.

- How many pages is there?
- Fifteen.

- You're...
- Gets you on the chin.

Don't get hands and feet
caught in the ropes, guys.

Coffee goes all over you,
it gets messy, all right?

It was a good idea, this, Zoob.

Should the whole boat
decide to go up into flames,

I suggest you just jump in.

This is the one time
I will tell you to swim, guys.

- Where's he gone? Look.
- What? The horse?

The horse is currently
on top of the bridge.

They'll pick
the boat back up there.

- Oh, wow.
- Wow. That's phenomenal.

Good little system, innit?

Yeah!

It's about as long as this, too.

- Amazing.
- Wow.

- Hey, everyone.
- Hello.

This looks...
This looks like fun.

Yeah.

Have a great trip.

Have a great trip.
Yeah.

- Oh, look they're...
- Yeah.

- That's a job, isn't it?
- Yeah.

All right, guys,
can we go back to the bin?

Yeah. Sorry. Sorry.

Same as any other shower,

apart from there's
a button here.

Yeah.

And you push it
to empty the shower.

That empties the shower.

- Happy? Right.
- Yeah. Very happy.

Now, we have a couple
of engine checks.

- Oh, my days.
- Oh, my God.

So greasing at night,

- oil and coolant in the morning.
- Coolant in the morning.

Yep.

Professional actors
performing this.

It's fucking mad.
I'm a fucking actor, man.

What you trusting me
with this shit for?

So then do I have to tie it
in a knot?

We're gonna get two of us in.

Oh, wow.

If you pump it all in it,
it's just gonna...

So there's always, like,
a little bridge thing?

This is how you get
95-year-old ladies

beating some 17-year-old boys
at opening over gates,

- 'cause they know how...
- They're trying too hard.

The boys are like this

and an old lady just does this
and leans and it just moves.

So it takes itself
almost, doesn't it?

Right.
So I'm gonna sign you off.

- Okay.
- All this does

is sign over your houses,
your mortgage,

everything. Your cars,
everything. Like everything.

- Yeah. Yeah. Great.
- So that one's signature.

A mobile number, that way we'll
be with you at all times

on this boat.

He has a lot more swirls
in his signature than I do.

He's a flamboyant dude.

Other than that,
you guys are free.

So what I'm gonna do
is I'll just shift the front

of your boat off for you.

- Happy, guys?
- Yeah.

- Have a lovely time.
- Cheers, Gary.

- Bye-bye.
- Cheers, dude.

Oh, shit.
Are you all right?

- Oh, I need my glasses.
- What?

- Your reading glasses?
- They're long sight ones,

or whatever it is.
You know what I mean.

- Stuff far away.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- What happens at the end then?
- I don't know.

There's a wall in front,
isn't there?

I know, yeah.

Actually, should I go through?

I can jump off the front
and then pull the back in?

- Does that make sense?
- Yeah.

Yeah. This is... This is right.

We all right to moor here
for Sainsbury's?

Yeah. Sainsbury's,
which is just there.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck.

Okay. So what do we need,
Friday night,

Saturday night, Sunday night?

Might go for a pub lunch
and a pub dinner.

So it's two dinners,
two lunches?

- Yeah.
- Three breakfasts?

Saturday morning,
Sunday morning, Monday morning.

What should we start with?
Are you making us curry?

I'm gonna make curry, yeah.
Chicken curry.

Do you need any bits here?

Don't want any of that
flavored nonsense.

- Tea bags?
- Ah, booze.

- Ah, booze.
- We got to work

the money out, actually.
That's gonna be adding up.

What was the...
How much was the boat?

- It was a grand.
- It was a grand?

Yeah. So, I mean,
that's like 250 each.

Yeah. But what...

I was thinking
'cause Red, she's only here

for the night, isn't she?

So it seems a bit tight
that she got to pay for

all of them, do you think?
Where's the vodka?

Well, she did say.

But if she's only
here for the night...

I know. I know. I know.

I know. Maybe we just... I think
do it between the three of us.

She's never gonna pay it,
is she?

You know what she's like.

- Yeah.
- Ooh, Malbec.

So are we getting
the right stuff?

I just feel like we're throwing
just loads of stuff in.

But I forgot my spice rack.

Oh, I make a really nice
mackerel pasta.

- Mackerel pasta?
- Yeah.

Red onion, mackerel,
creme fraiche, and red pesto.

- Oh, is it like a cold pasta?
- Mm-mm.

Vodka and beers.

Creme fraiche.

- Yeah. Where's that?
- Oh, creme fraiche.

- Creme fraiche, milk.
- Milk.

Where is it?
Like more the milky side.

With the cream and the milk.
Creme fraiche.

Creme fraiche, here we go.

- Boom. Half-fat's good.
- Prefer, full-fat.

Do we not just want regular fat?

Come on then.
Let's have it because it's like

- a specially occasion.
- It's our holiday, innit?

- Exactly.
- Well, it's my holiday.

♪ Holiday ♪

Full fat. Full fat holiday.

Have you got
your curry ingredients?

Oh, no. Not at all.

Listen, dude.
I'm thinking about Red.

All right.

I just don't think
there's any point.

Yeah, I love, her but she's a
nightmare about all that stuff.

So let's just split it
between the three of us.

I wouldn't have brought her on
if it was... If I thought

- she was gonna be a problem.
- You know, I'm not... Okay.

I'm staying three nights.
You're staying three nights.

Cocky's staying three nights.

Red's staying one.

So that's like 10 nights.

So it's, like, £100 a night.

- Yeah.
- You see what I mean?

And so if Red pays her
one night £100...

and then we'd all be in for 300
each, for the three nights.

That sort of seems
a fairer way to do it.

It's not... It's nothing, man.

I'm just making a...
I'm making a big deal out of it.

- Money's not a big deal.
- It's not a big deal.

- I'm sorry, man.
- The heavy items.

Oh, we should've
got biscuits, shouldn't we?

- You can have toast.
- Well, they had this

hazelnut butter
and I really nearly

bought the hazelnut butter,
but it was really expensive.

That stuff is like filth.

Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

- What is that for?
- Nice, nice, nice...

That was this, uh...
I used to get weed off...

Did I tell you the story
of the little guy that I used to

get the weed of?
Little rude boy.

And that's what he'd always do
at the end of the call,

"Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice,
nice, nice, nice, nice, nice."

And he just sort of goes
until you turned it off,

it was amazing. "Nice, nice,
nice, nice, nice, nice, nice."

Are you all right, Zoob?
Do I need to brake?

- Damn it.
- Bugger.

Jon, halt.

Damn.

Should I give it some,
or just let it go?

More that way.

Now, level up.

That way. That way. That way.

- Oh, no. Shit.
- We're all right?

Fucker!
I don't really know...

Ah, you fuck!

Aw.

- Aw.
- Is he okay?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh.

Simon.

- Where is he?
- Hang on.

- He's back in the country.
- Okay.

Oh, he's at Gatwick, is he?

Yeah. Have we enough booze?

- Yes!
- We got loads of fucking...

Tell him we got loads of booze.

I wonder if this is the minute
we should give it more welly,

Zoob, what do you think?

Here we go.
That's all right. Okay.

- Zoo?
- Yeah.

We all right with those boats?

Yeah. Just this way
a bit anyway.

Oh, I can see her now.

- Wahey!
- There she is.

It's like Popeye and Olive.

Are you stopping or should I
just chuck my bags in?

We're gonna try and get you on.

We might not stop.

It's going that way
as much as it can.

- Yeah.
- Straighten it up now?

Yeah. Or... Yeah.

- Maybe go to the back?
- Am I going to the back?

I'll give you a hand.
Here we go.

- Okay.
- Here.

- Here, look. Come here.
- Can I go first...

- Yeah, you go first.
- because I feel a bit...

- You all right? Okay.
- Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I've broken all the rules, Red.

Rock 'n' fucking roll.

Let's go.

Can I come up?

- Are you okay?
- Hold up.

I'm obviously good at it,
but I'm just, uh...

- still learning.
- I wanna see.

- I'm so in control of this.
- Can I come up?

- Yeah.
- Or not now?

Yeah, you can come up.

- Oh, shit. This is amazing.
- I was like the captain

of this ship then, weren't I,
I was all like...

- All serious.
- You were. Like a professional.

- Hmm.
- This is amazing.

- Isn't it gorgeous?
- It's amazing. It's really long.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hello. Zoo! Hello.

- Oh, you look gorgeous.
- Oh, thank you.

- I like your shorts.
- Thank you.

- How's it been?
- ♪ Sexy ♪

- I'm sorry I'm late.
- That's all right.

- You made it.
- I know.

This is amazing.
It's so long.

- I know. All they had.
- Did you have a good day?

- Yeah. All right.
- Yeah?

Yeah. I'm just pleased
to be away, to be honest.

Have you had any wine yet?

- No. Is there wine?
- There is wine.

- Can I have wine now?
- Yeah. Do you want wine now?

- Can we have wine now?
- You can have wine now.

- Have whatever you want darling.
- Can I go get it? Where is it?

- It's holiday, innit.
- Are you having some?

I'll have what...
Give me a minute.

- Zoo?
- I'd love one. Yeah.

Did you say no, Jon?

- Yeah. I'm all right.
- He can't... He can't.

- Well, apparently.
- Don't wanna be drinking.

- Sailing. Sailing driving?
- Sailing.

It's not sailing, is it?

There's no sail, is there?

Oh, what did you say earlier?

- Cruising?
- Cruising.

- That's you, Zoo.
- Oh, yeah. It's fine.

Is Grindr working on here,
or...?

I haven't checked.

- You liar.
- I saw Tinder...

- You're an absolute liar.
- I saw Tinder other day.

Do you think there's like a
sort of like a Grindr,

- barge thing going?
- Sailors.

But you get lonely on the barge,
don't you?

- You would, wouldn't you?
- Need a little suck job.

Take you about two weeks
to get it though, wouldn't it?

I'm like...

- I'm on my way.
- I'm just turning around.

You're doing three days,
aren't you?

- I feel really jealous.
- I know.

- Do you want more, babe?
- I'm all right for the moment

- but, yeah, you're going to...
- I spilt half of it.

You're going to wedding
of the year, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

Yeah. No, thanks.

- Let's not talk about it.
- No, thanks.

I haven't even seen
the kitchen or anything yet.

- Have you unpacked?
- Did you... No.

Not really. I...
We've barely like...

Are we gonna do that
when we stop?

We've... Yeah. We've not even
sorted beds out

- or anything like that.
- Is there a double?

There's the bridge, guys.
This is a little one, isn't it?

- Because I sleep diagonally.
- Right.

Ooh.

Yeah. You have to watch
yourself on these.

- They're a bit rocky.
- I've only had half a bottle.

- Half? Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, shit. Fuck off.

Well between us... I don't know.
Or have you...

I probably had
probably more than you.

Was that for me? For a tea?

That's the kettle on.

- I don't think I want a tea now.
- Do you not?

Where's the vodka?

- Are you having one?
- What? Tea?

- No. Vodka.
- I might finish my... Mm.

So is Jon okay?

Yeah. He seems to be.
He's got some water.

Has he said anything?

- No.
- Do I mention it?

Um...

Fridge.

A few.

Um...

- That's a no then.
- Not really. No.

Do I owe you?

Yeah.
But what's gonna happen is,

so, 'cause you're here
for one day, one night.

So it's like I'm a guest?

Yeah. Everybody's paying...

There's 10 days basically
between the four of us.

Right.

And you're having one
of those days,

so it's nine days
between three of us,

- if you know what I mean.
- No.

Well, there's ten days
that we're all sleeping...

- If everybody had a day...
- Could you just say how...

Could you just say how much I...

Can you just tell me
how much I owe?

I don't know what it is.

So... Well, don't get in a mood
then because...

- No, I'm not. I'm not...
- Just tell me the...

- I'm not getting in a mood.
- Well, just let me know

afterwards and I'll wire it.

Okay.

And what about food?
Is that Jon or is that you?

Um, that is Jon.

- So what do I owe Jon?
- So that... Yeah.

Well, it was a hundred
and eighty-nine,

- hundred and eighty-four.
- And I'm only staying for...

- I mean, I'm not being picky.
- Yeah.

But I'm only staying
for one day, aren't I?

Are you splitting that today?

- We'll see how the booze goes.
- Oh, God.

You haven't been at work,
you bastard.

I feel like
I'm being stereotyped.

Oh, I feel relaxed now.

I felt a bit frantic earlier.

Oh, look,
there's a bridge coming up.

- Oh, my God. It's so low.
- Can I see what's in?

Can we have a special moment?

Let's have a special moment.

- Where is it?
- God, it's so low.

Heads!

Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Glad to be on holiday.

- Has it been rubbish?
- Yeah. It's just been full on.

Should I say something?

No.

Well, I don't know.
No, it should be all right.

I'm just gonna put
that wine there.

Do I need to do anything?

- No.
- I should relax, shouldn't I?

Yeah. You should relax.

Hello. Good evening.

- It's lovely, isn't it?
- It's a lovely evening.

- Do you live near?
- Yes. Yes.

- Just up the road.
- Well, if you fancy

a glass of red wine,
you'd be more than welcome.

- Have you hired this?
- Oh, yes, we have.

We're on a holiday
for three days.

- What are you celebrating?
- Um...

- Just a break.
- Well, yeah,

we haven't seen each other
for quite a long time.

So it's really lovely.
It's like a reunion.

Oh, nice.

Are you here for the night?

- I think we might.
- Get the stakes in.

Have a lovely evening.
Bye.

- Have a good evening.
- Bye. Bye.

He's well professional now.

Do you what a ha...
So insincere, isn't it?

Do you want...
Do you want a hand?

Are you having showers?

Maybe before bed.
Maybe I will have a shower.

I might have Swansea wash.

What's a Swansea wash?

Deodorant and a new dress.

I know. I mean, seriously,
I'm covered in wine.

And this is really old.
It smells of other people's BO.

- You can go in that one.
- Like a dead nana.

Yeah. Why not? You filthy jack.

Actually...

You see the edge is precarious.

- What do you mean?
- Could you take my mallet?

- Mallett's mallet.
- It's a word association game.

Mallett's mallet is a word
association game.

Mustn't pause, mustn't hesitate.

Otherwise you get a bash
like this, or a bash like this.

One of the most bruises losses.
One of the least bruises...

Oh, can we play that later?

Look at each other
and say "blah".

- Blah.
- Look and say "blah".

Blah.

- I used to love that.
- Yeah.

I sort of feel like water
is at a real premium,

- like, you know.
- I know.

Can I choose my bed now?

Oh, um, I...
Sorry.

- Jon?
- Yeah?

Has anyone taking
the double bed?

- Uh, don't think so.
- Can I have it?

- You can have it.
- I'm only here for one night.

It's quite stressful
steering this thing.

I know. I know.
I can imagine.

I'm covered in red wine.
Honestly, I stink. Oh.

- Had your Swansea shower?
- What?

Have you had your
Swansea shower?

No, not yet. I'm gonna.

How do you put the light on
in the toilet?

Oh, fucking hell.

All right. I'm gonna get fucked.

Oi!

Hello?

Hello?

Aye aye, Captain.

Permission to come aboard?

Ah, you... I fucking
shit my pants, man.

That was the point.

Yeah. Fucking hell.
Man, how are you?

Man, can you get that?

I got down before,
but I'm fucking...

I'm a bit mashed, man.

- God.
- Here. Take that.

- Watch yourself.
- One, two, three!

You look like a fucking...
We shit ourselves.

Like properly shit ourselves.

- Hey. Come here.
- We didn't follow through.

Hello. Oh, hello.

- I bring gifts.
- Oh, you do you?

I can hear the clank of beers.

The clanking of... Mwah!

- More alcohol.
- Liquid gifts.

- Shall I serve up? Oh!
- Oh, yes.

- Oh, my God.
- Are you all right?

- No, I'm not.
- That's really painful.

Then she said, "Why should I pay
taxes for it to pay for trains.

I don't use fucking trains."

- Oh, did she?
- Yes.

I think you're making that up.

I'm not making that up.

You can Google it. That's how...
That's how passionate I am.

- Cheers, everyone.
- Oh, cheers.

- Happy holidays.
- Look at the stars, guys.

- What stars?
- Exactly.

- There are no fucking stars.
- There is one sat right here.

♪ Snoop Doggy dog ♪

Well, I've nearly eaten
all this motherfucking shit up.

It's really tasty.

Don't you want a drink?
Do you want the red wine?

Yeah.
Have you got a vodka as well?

A vodka? Yeah. Uh-huh.

A little bit of both?

I got beer. I got wine.
I got vodka.

I got a Sloppy Giuseppe...

- What the fuck is that?
- Between me and my doctor.

- What do you want?
- Your best accent. Go on.

What kind do you want? Just
tell me. Just pick an accent.

Oh, no, but this is sing-songy.

I would like to tell you, mm,
it is not.

I would like a lemonade. Mm.

- Nigerian.
- That was pretty good,

- actually.
- Thanks, thanks, thanks.

Come on. Give me something.
I can do anything.

I can do them all. I'm an actor,
of course I can do them.

- Devon.
- Whereabouts in Devon?

Uh, Totnes.

- Northwest side.
- Totnes?

Yeah. Totnes.

I gotta speak
to a man about a boat?

God, that fucking reeks.

It does smell really bad.

- It smells lovely.
- It's like beer.

- But it's so strong.
- I don't like it.

Just makes me a bit upset
the whole thing.

You don't need it... No, you...
You were a bit rubbish earlier.

He was, wasn't he?

It was a bit shit.
I haven't seen him for a while

and then you disappeared
on the... On the boat.

I'm... I should shut up,
shouldn't I?

But now you're doing it again
and I'm like...

I don't know.
I can't talk to you then, can I?

You're just on the roof
being a fucking moron.

What are you talking?
I'm just having a spliff.

- I'm not saying...
- You're an alcoholic.

- Ooh!
- Oi! I have not drunk

for, like, two weeks.
For fucking two weeks.

- And I'm on fucking holiday!
- Touched a fucking nerve!

You don't even know what I do
with my d...

I'm just gonna have a fag.
Fuck you. Sorry.

Like, I'm not upset.

- I'm not upset.
- So you're just gonna go

and have a fag anyway, but like,
you're making it into a thing.

No, I'm not make...
This exactly what I'm not doing.

- I'm not making it into a thing.
- Allowed to smoke in here?

That food was really lovely
by the way.

And that was your recipe,
so I give that to you.

I love this. It's funny.

Darling, you're not
an alcoholic. I was joking.

No... Yeah. Don't have to
tell me. I wasn't worried.

- But you seem... You seem...
- Oh. Oh.

No, I'm just a bit pissed off
actually.

I just wanna... I just wanna
fucking... Fuck off.

What?

It's not fucking
Rosie and Jim, is it?

- Fuck you.
- Mind your head.

- Carnage.
- Oh, easy.

Oh.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- That was really funny.
- Actresses, eh?

She thought she had
some nice privacy there.

Fuck off. Fuck off.

Fucking hell.

- All right there, mate.
- Yeah.

Don't fall...
Don't fall overboard.

Yeah. Enjoy your trip.

Are you like... Are you actually
pissed off?

No, it's fine.
I'm fine.

I'm just... I'm just...

- It's fine.
- Are you fucking about?

No, I'm not... It's fine.
Don't worry about it.

Just don't worry about me.
Just enjoy yourself.

Hey. Hey, you're holibobs.
I'm on holibobs.

Do you think I'm an alcoholic?
Do you think I'm an alcoholic?

We're on holibobs.
Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, but now I feel like I am,
so I'm just like

- trying to like relax.
- We're on holibobs.

And you're just saying
some horrible things.

I'm just a bit upset about it.

Oh, I'm just having my...
Oh, just go away.

Just go away.

I'm sorry.
I feel really bad now.

That's all right.

No, but I love you.

- No, I do. I love you.
- A big admission.

- No, I mean that.
- I know what you mean.

No, but I miss you.
Why are you going now?

Well, you said you just
said that you want me to go.

No, I don't. I don't.

I'm... Oh, are you all right?

- Yeah.
- Are you?

Yeah. I'm all right.

You're so full of shit.
It pisses me off.

- Thank you.
- Oh, fuck you.

You don't love me anymore.
You used to love me lots.

I don't know why you're...
Why you saying that?

You just don't love me as much
as you used to.

That's not true.
I don't know what you mean.

Why don't you wanna talk to me?
You're being weird.

Why am I? Fucking hell.

You just came out here
and I came out here.

Yeah. I was having a little
bit of a tantrum.

Yeah. Well, yeah.
I'm not acting like

- I didn't want to speak to you.
- They're all looking. Fuck off!

Sorry, they're looking.

- I don't... I was only joking.
- No. It's fine. I'm sorry.

- That's all right.
- I love you.

- I love you too.
- Okay.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- What's happening?
- I don't know.

- What's happening with you?
- Oh, nothing.

- Innit?
- No.

You sure?
I think somethings happening.

What do you know?

I don't know. Just that, like,
you've sort of got a...

No.

An interest back on the go,
sort of thing.

Yes. Yes.

- How's that?
- Awful.

It's awful.

I didn't want...
I don't want anything.

You know him, he's a dick.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God. It's so awful.

I don't want to talk
to anyone about it.

I'm lying to everyone.

Okay. So I've been hanging out
with him.

But I haven't seen him
for like two weeks.

I might have told him
I was still in love with him

- like last week.
- You're still in love

with him? That's quite...
As serious as it could be.

No. It's not serious.

My boss said that I should say
that I should say it.

So I said it, and I was like,

"Oh, why am I saying that?"
I don't even...

- Your boss?
- Yeah.

You take advice from your boss?

Yeah. That's what happened.

Because I was telling
him about it.

I was really fine,
and he's like,

"You should say this."
I was going "Uh-huh".

But then I got pissed.

I think we both love each other
and I think

we're the best couple ever.

So why aren't you just with him?

I just think if you like him,
you know...

- No.
- He's a bit of a nightmare.

But... And I actually... When
I finished with him last time

it was because I wanted him
to like marry me

or like have kids with me.

And I actually think
I could handle

not doing all those things,

but I don't think I can handle
never having any commitment

and I think
I'm better than that.

Is basically it in a nutshell.

And I watched this documentary.

- This sounds really corny.
- Mm-hmm.

I watched his documentary
and it was a man and a woman,

they'd been together
like 50 years.

And he had cancer,
so they were blatantly

not having sex at that time,
which is normal, right?

- Yeah.
- Sometimes you go through stages

in life when you don't have sex.

- Is that normal?
- Yeah.

- It is normal.
- Yeah.

And, um...
And he was like in hospital

and then he like touched
her face and he looked at her

and it was really lovely.

And then I said to Olie
the other night,

I said, "You'll never have that,

because you're always wanting
something new,

because you don't have
to commit to it."

But there was something that
happens when you're together

for a long, long time, you must
have that with Amanda...

- Mm.
- where it transcends

just sex,
it's like meaningful and...

Yeah.
Why would you not have that?

I know, but I think you
have to get beyond

the "not having sex" stage
at some point

or someone getting ill,
or something gone wrong...

That'll just happen
at some stage for a reason.

But that's another level,
isn't it?

He will never get to that.
And that's really sad.

And I love him,
and so it's even sadder,

because I'll never
have that either.

And that's just
where it ends really.

I don't get why you never...
I don't get why you can't.

Because you can't...
You gotta have some reassurance

at least. I'm not new.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's getting a bit deep,

isn't it?
Anyway, I'm so sorry.

- I don't want to fall out.
- It's all right.

- I'm sorry about what I said.
- That's fine.

It doesn't matter. I'm...
Well, I feel really sorry

'cause I feel...
I really miss you

- and I'm sorry.
- It's all right.

I feel like
the odd one out a little bit.

- 'Cause you're a girl?
- No, no. Actually...

- I'm not allowed to... Sorry.
- Stop generalizing.

It's because you're stay...
All of you are staying

and you're gonna
all get all close

and then I'm just
a pain in the arse.

Aren't I, a little bit?

I am. You're laughing
'cause I am.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

I have no idea what you're
going about.

Here's afrobeat.

Is this... It's a bit like Gong.
A bit psychedelic.

I need a fag outside.
What?

Have you seen that
video on Facebook

about the guy who orgasms
100 times a day?

- What?
- Is it a condition?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh, really?

I don't think it'd be
very nice, though.

Every eight minutes
you orgasm. Uncontrollable.

- Ah! In Sainsbury's.
- I like...

A bloke!

- He is bastard good.
- Yeah. You could do

- whatever the fuck you want.
- Right, I'm off to bed.

- You're gonna bed?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- What?

That's how it is.

- See you in bed, Zoobs.
- Yeah.

- I'll be happy with being...
- Do you know what?

Zoobs, I can't wait
to read Nietzsche with you.

Is that what
you're doing tonight?

We're gonna read Nietzsche
and fuck.

At least they'll know
I'm not a cunt.

- Oh, who said that?
- I don't know. Who said that?

I thought Zoob was gonna play
a bit of...

I just think people who smoke
weed are a bit boring.

But now I'm stuck with you
I'll have a bit.

Yeah, right, right.

- What do I do? Just...
- Suck it.

I feel like I'm just eating
an air freshener.

- Here's the...
- I'm on my mobile phone!

It feels like it's going
to fuck me right after.

However...

I just want a cigarette
but I can't sit down,

because of this music. It's that
fucking inhaler, bastard.

- I'm so just...
- Oh, my God. It's nuts.

How did you do that?

It's nice, isn't it? Is it good?

- Yeah. It's really nice.
- Good.

Oh, dear.

I tell you what,
I did have a lot of with.

- Mm.
- Doing a bong

- and playing GTA V...
- Oh, yeah.

- No, yeah, totally.
- first person.

Oh, my favorite pastime.

It's weird playing it
in first person.

It's a video game.

I'm gonna go for a fag.
You're cunts.

You're both... Doesn't matter
how stoned I am.

Oh, yeah.
We're so fucking nerdy.

Gamer geeks.
I don't give a fuck.

Why'd you wanna go out there?

All you'll talk about
is computer games,

- you're just bastards.
- We're just...

It's so boring.

Especially
with a video game,

you can have a much more,
kind of, expansive...

crossing the boundaries of...

watching a TV show or a movie
and playing something.

That, for me...

- is what it's all about.
- More the narrative

and stuff.

Yeah, the story, the... You know?
Amazing emotional journey.

I love stories,
and that's like, you know...

But it's unbelievable,
new me... You know,

- medium for writing and...
- Exactly. Exactly.

It's been... It was entertaining.

Became less so when the...

I'm just being honest.
So move your legs and...

- What?
- I'm just... No.

I've enjoyed your company
a little bit.

- What are you doing?
- It got better now.

- Don't go to bed.
- No, I just... I am.

She's wussing out.
She's going to bed early.

- She's going to leave early.
- You said you were gonna

- stay up longer.
- She's got a wedding to go to.

No. It's not about that.
It's the fact that

it got a bit boring.
It got a bit boring

'cause you're talking about
computer games and...

No. We're talking about orgasms.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Well, that has fucking
fuck my mind up.

I'm going to leave you to bed.

What is the time?

It's late, isn't it?
I'm fucking exhausted.

It's really late.
Who's cooking breakfast?

- I don't want to get up.
- Well, Zoob's the cook.

I'm going to go home tomorrow,
so can we have a nice day?

Love you. Goodnight.

Well, that night, we were up
for like... We were...

I think we played
for like eight to ten hours.

Yeah, until 6:00 in the morning
I say.

Yeah, but the clocks went
forward that night as well,

so actually we were like...
Yeah, 6:30 in the morning.

We better go to bed,
actually it was like 7:30.

Fuck. Yeah. That... Yeah.
That was hardcore.

I just remember we were
all on the bridge.

It was great. We were running
across the bridge.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- It was like I was really there.
- Yeah. Completely.

That was one of my
best ever nights

like playing...
All the gaming and stuff.

That was absolutely my...

- That is my gaming moment.
- Mm.

You just have that one...

Wicked.

You think it's weird
no one's mentioned it?

No, it's not...

I don't know, man.

You know, just it's
one of those things, isn't it?

People don't really know
what to say.

- It is what it is.
- Yeah. Exactly. Exactly.

It's all, you know...

So how are you doing with it?

You know, not good,
is it, but...

It's cool, man.

I, um...
This'll give me a bit of...

That's definitely
rocking the boat.

- That was rock...
- It is rocking.

- It is... It is rocking.
- It is rocking.

I'll give it to you.
It is rocking a little bit.

Mm.

Can I... Can I... Is there
gonna be more in there?

Probably one more. We'll give
it a go, figure it out.

I might go down actually.
Oh, fucking hell.

Yeah, God, no.
That doesn't taste right.

- Is it dead?
- I think it's the end.

I'm gonna down, Si.
I'll be all right.

I'm all right.

When I was at drama school
I used to live with this girl...

And she... She made...

I always used to cook for her

and one day she went,
"I'll cook. I'll cook."

She got a great big bowl.

She filled it
with this pasta here,

this twisted pasta, so...

So the pasta was uncooked?

Yeah. Literally, she just
put the raw pasta in the pan.

She filled it up
with cold water.

No heat at this stage.
She gets a can of tuna.

She puts in a load of
chopped up broccoli

and three tomatoes
and then just boiled it

for half an hour
and gave me a plate of it.

And I was like,

"I think I'll, um... I'm okay,
actually. Not that hungry."

- Are you making tea?
- No.

We're making coffee.

I feel awful.

You can't have any tea, Red.

- I feel awful.
- Only wakey people...

You don't deserve tea.

- Oh, no. My head's killing...
- Shall I chuck this there?

- Oh, fuck.
- Not until you

finish your beer.

Is it...
Yeah, has it drained off?

Yeah. Pretty much.

I'm still wearing my dress.

Why was I halfway down the bed?

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

- About?
- I don't remember.

- Can we have tea first?
- I'll make coffee.

- But you can have tea.
- I'll have coffee.

You can have tea first.

But I gotta have coffee.
I've got to have coffee.

Oh, my God.
My heart's beating in my belly.

- Hello.
- Hey.

- Hello.
- How are you,

- you all right?
- Yeah. How are you?

- Yeah, I'm okay.
- It's dada.

Can you see us okay?

Yeah.

- It's Daddy.
- Hey, mister.

Hey, dude.

He's really missing you.

Hey, doctor.

- Every other word's dada.
- Is it?

- Yup.
- Dada.

Dada, that's right.

No mama, just dada.

- Yeah. Hey, baby boy.
- Before we went for his nap,

he thought you were in the bed
because the way the duvet was.

And he just leaped on it going,
"Dada, Dada, Dada."

- Oh.
- It's Dada.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm all right.

I'm a bit rough.

All right, okay.
Are you hungover?

- No, I'm fine, just a bit, um...
- What did you do

last night?

Yeah, it's all self-inflicted.
Yeah, no sympathy.

It's Daddy. Daddy kiss.

Mwah!

Aw.

At last, it's sunny.

Yeah, it's pretty hot here
as well.

But it's kind of
a little bit overcast, so...

- Oh, is it?
- Yeah.

I think this one might need
to go and have a nap.

Okay.

Hey, say daddy.

Daddy doesn't feel very well.

Say, "Bye-bye, Daddy, love you".

Bye-bye, love you.

Love you... Love you,
Dr. Frankenstein.

Love you.

All right, he's gonna go
for his nap now.

Okay. All right, babe.

- See you later, love you.
- See you later.

- Bye.
- Bye, bye.

Man, you fuck up.

I really need a poo.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Morning.

How are you feeling?

Uh, like death.

- Were you drunk?
- Oh, my God.

I love you.

- Was I drunk?
- I feel like I was...

Well, should we really go?
Should we go?

- Yeah, let's do it.
- Let's do it. Let's do it

But what...
Are we having coffee though?

Yes. We need to find a... We need
to... A place to stop with water,

oil and coolant.

Fucking hell.
I might not do that.

I might just do it some time.
We haven't even got oil.

So, we don't actually have it.
If we didn't even have any.

If we look,
and there's not enough there

we've only gotta go back.
So, I mean, fuck it.

- It'll be all right, won't it?
- Surely if we just

picked it up yesterday,
there's enough oil in the...

- I think so. I think...
- Look, I'm gonna go.

- I'm gonna go. Exactly.
- Oh, Jon,

what do I owe you
for, uh, stuff?

Because I need to sort that out.

Oh, yeah, money.

I think I had
one bottle of wine.

Was it one?

And some... No, I had vodka.

You have one bottle of wine?

Listen, listen,
listen, okay so... Okay, so...

Red, hundred
and twenty-five quid.

- I've got prominent nipples.
- Okay.

- Is that all right?
- Yeah, but who do I pay?

- Because you got the boat.
- Pay Zooby. Pay Zooby.

No, but it's fair
because you're only here

for, like,
the third of the trip, so...

Okay.
The map's really soggy.

Okay, I'm gonna get
my shorts on and we'll be off.

So, where's...
Where can I get a train?

I was thinking
we could try and get

to this ancient priory
thing here.

There's bound to be
train stations in between.

I can't deal with this.

Well, Guildford,
there'll be one.

Which is near here, but we...

We wanna get past Guildford
because it's a bit shit.

So I need to leave here
at half past three.

- Yeah.
- Somewhere.

That means we got three hours.
And I haven't showered.

- Do I need to brake?
- Yeah.

- I haven't done this.
- That's all right.

I will teach you.

This is my first lock.

Cocky!

And come around this side.

I just, sort of, lean on it,
rather than try and pull it

just sort of lean,
like bum on it.

Zoob will show you.

Show him the bum style, Zoob.

It's like this.

- Apparently, that's what it is.
- That's what I love about this.

It's like the most relaxed
form of travel, innit?

What we're doing
is lowering the boat.

The canals
are all at different levels.

- So these locks are like lifts.
- Something's happening.

You fill up the locks
to lift the boat up

and empty out
to drop the boat down.

Do we leave them open
or do we have to close it again?

- We leave them open?
- Yeah.

Because that one's shut.

Careful.

It's all right.

This is nice.

Jon, there, uh...
There's another boat.

I know.

Park the other side
of it, then chuck us the rope.

Hey, you all right?

Good, how are you?

Good, thank you.

Fantastic weather.

Gorgeous, isn't it?

I've gotta concentrate.
I'm not very good.

Fucking lovely, innit, man?

- It's beautiful.
- This is the life, dude.

- It certainly is.
- I'm gonna do this.

When the boys are a little
bit older like when they're...

Amber, isn't it, your girl?

- She's five, yeah.
- When, you know,

I'm thinking
when they're at that age,

it would be lovely
to go one of these trips.

- We should all go on one.
- Yeah, we should do it.

I bet there's places round us.

Of course there is.
Yeah, definitely.

We've been to Barcelona
the last couple of years.

- Yes.
- And it's lovely but...

- I've never been.
- Have you not?

- I've never been.
- Oh, you'd love it, man.

I know. I've just never been.

But the, um,
it's hard with the kids

- in, like, the city, you know.
- Yeah, yeah.

This might be quite low,
this one.

Just keep an eye on it.

Exactly.

So, how are you feeling?

Uh, I'm all right, actually.

How are you feeling?

Horrific.

I can't actually
remember anything.

That's not a bad thing.

Maybe, I don't know.

I can't... I just get...
I've just got flashbacks.

- Oh, God.
- Um, are me and Jon all right?

I feel like we've fallen out,
we haven't, have we?

- Why? No, no.
- I don't know.

I've just got
this horrible memory,

uh, I was just being a cunt.

- Can I squidge in by you?
- Mm-hmm.

- Awesome.
- Awesome.

I'm gonna miss
your curry tonight.

Oh, no.

So where... Where's
this wedding you're going to?

Um, Chelsea.

- And when is it?
- Tonight.

Well, it's, like,
they're doing the, um...

They're doing the day-do, um,
at Chelsea Old Town Hall.

- The day-do?
- And I'm not invited to that.

You're not important enough.

You were.
You were invited to the party.

So Zooby's invited
and he's lied,

and pretended
he's doing an acting job.

So, uh, I'm... When they asked me
about where I've been,

I'm just gonna have to lie.

I think they're gonna have
champagne and oysters,

but the thought
of drinking again

is making me feel sick.

- You'll be fine by 7:00.
- Yeah.

- You reckon?
- That's... Yeah.

That's, you know, that's when
you can start again usually.

I've got the complete horrors.

I feel like we're probably
settling now.

Yeah.

Yeah, it feels like it,
doesn't it?

- Mm.
- I don't wanna go.

- No.
- Ooh.

You should... You should stay.

Especially not for that
friggin' wedding of the year.

I'll get ostracized, honestly.

- I needed a better excuse.
- That's not cool.

So, what have you been up to?

I don't even know
if we caught up last night.

You might... You could just
repeat everything.

But not the drunken bit.

And it'll be like I'm hearing it
for the first time.

Just some filming in Poland.

I thought you really
weren't gonna make it.

I just thought your schedule
was gonna be buggered.

- It just all worked out.
- It did.

Perfectly, I think.

Thank you.

Do you think Jon's enjoying it?

Well, we're gonna
make sure he's all right.

Yeah.

I'm sure it'll be... I'm sure
he'll... This'll be good for him.

Not if he carries on
smoking that much weed.

Says all three of us
around the table

- without Jon.
- Without Jon,

- we left him by himself.
- Cheers.

Save yourself first.

- This is amazing, Zoob.
- Yes, thank you.

- I love you.
- I needed this.

I've needed this
for about four hours.

Whoa.

Crunch.

So?

Dog. Hello, dog.

Hello.

Oh, gorgeous.

I just wanna moor up
and sunbathe, basically.

I know. It'd be nice to stop,

otherwise
Jon's gonna be on his own.

- I know.
- But also, I've got to...

You've got to get off.

- I know.
- Yes.

Wow. Oh, whoa.

I'm really happy.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Pretty.

- Isn't it? Really pretty.
- Yeah.

Bloody, that is hot, isn't it?

Whoa, yeah.

That's well slimy, man.

Fuckin'...

Yeah, it's gone.
It's gone. Pretty much.

- What's gone?
- The traffic.

Traffic.

Now it's just...

But I pretty much spent
the last six weeks

- in a field like this.
- Really?

- Doing your thing?
- Pretty much. Doing my thing.

And is that it now?
You're done?

- I'm done for the...
- For the series?

- Yeah, for the season.
- Oh, you...

So, you're doing next one?

- Is that just a given?
- I don't know.

When are you gonna die?

Hopefully never.

- That way, I can keep my job.
- How many...

How many weeks...
How many weeks of the year

do you do on average?

- Oh. Fuck you.
- Was that Jon? You fucker.

- Fucking can.
- Fuck off.

- Bloody hell.
- I think...

Does he wanna break,
is that what that is?

Simon's told me to give up fags.

Yes.

Is, um, Simon talking
about himself again?

Uh, I think
he's talking about...

- the work he's been in.
- Oh, right, right.

Has he asked you, like,
one question about yourself

since you've been here?
No, me neither.

Well, you know,
that's Simon, isn't it, really.

Am I being bitchy?

A little bit.

I could look at this all day.

- It's therapeutic.
- It's mesmerizing.

I... I have to do it,
otherwise I go slightly mental.

- Really?
- Uh, I kind of think

that I'm always... I'm recovering
from something.

- Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah, I do.

So, what do you do
with them all?

I don't know,
thank you cards, probably,

'cause a load
of casting directors

I've got to thank.

There's a low bridge
coming up ahead.

Uh, you're heading
towards a wall.

Low bridge.

Heads.

We're all right.

Lie flat, lie flat, lie flat.

I am lying flat.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Where's it you need to be?

What do you mean?

- Well... Yeah.
- The wedding? Uh, Chelsea.

Yeah, how... What you gotta do?

- Hair, makeup?
- Uh...

- Shower?
- Shower.

I could just wet wipe it.

It's fine.

I... Yeah, I feel awful as well.

I'm leaving
just at the time that the...

The second hangover's kicked in.

Oh.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hello.

Hello.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

Let's go, kids.

Let's go, let's do it.

He's not gonna hit
his head, is he?

I'm kinda sad you're not coming.

- I know. But I didn't...
- But I get it.

- I didn't wanna go.
- Okay. Well...

I'm kinda sad that I'm...

- I'm sad that you're leaving
- I know, I feel sad.

I should be doing
your hair and makeup, really.

You should, you'll
probably be better than me.

- I am trained.
- I'm not that good at it.

- Are you not?
- No.

Mm.

Oh, look.

Right.

Can you hold my beer?

How the fuck
did I get down last time?

- Hey.
- Oh, hi, hi.

Check, check,
check, check it out.

She scrubs off well,
doesn't she?

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Oh, shit.

You nearly made me crash, Red.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Exactly. It was a compliment.
You look lovely.

- Thank you.
- You look gorgeous.

- Thank you.
- Your label's out.

- Swansea wash.
- You'll be

the belle of the ball.

- Tits and bits.
- I will.

Right, we gotta stop
'cause I got a cab on its way.

- Oh, you... Don't go.
- I know.

Oh, look at this.

That garden has statues in it.

Utter bastards.

- I'd love to live here.
- Me, too.

Is that a gazebo?

- Is that my beer?
- Yeah.

What is a gazebo?

Okay, there we go.

Over here.

- Oh, yeah, here we go.
- Careful with the bridge.

- You guys, it's high bridge.
- It's sort of like.

It must be, it's like...

I've got to go get my suitcases.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Reverse it.

Sweet.

There we go.
Cocky, shove that down there.

Zoob, you got the smaller bag?

Bag carrier.
Oh, here he is.

- It suits you.
- And I don't wanna be rude,

but I've actually
just go to go now.

- No.
- No, we wanna... We wanna come.

We'll walk you up.
We'll walk you up.

- Yes.
- Yeah, but we got to...

Got to lock up the boat.

- We can't leave it unlocked.
- Oh, yeah.

And he's waiting.
And he's charging me.

He's being... No.
He's like being a dick.

Yeah, let's get...
Let's get you off.

Sorry, I don't mean
to be a stressy. Oh, sorry.

All right.
Give me, give me.

Careful with your heels.
Don't get them hooked on...

- Thank you.
- You're all right.

- All right.
- Oh, no.

- That's it.
- Don't go.

- Love you.
- Love you.

Love you.

Well, have fun, you bastards.

All right.

- Love you.
- Love you, too.

I'm sorry I didn't get
to get to catch up.

It's all right, darling.
It was lovely to see you.

Yeah. Not so long
next time, please.

Yeah, you take care.

Um, okay.
Well, I've got to go.

Oh, babe, okay.

- Okay.
- All right, love.

Are you sure
you can't wait five?

Put your phone in your case

because it's a bit treacherous
out there.

All right.
Take care, Red.

- All right.
- Bye.

- Bye, darling.
- Feels a bit surreal.

Oh, ho, ho.
Look at you.

- See you next week.
- You're like a fairytale.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Hey, no, I'm gonna go.

Red, I... Let me take that.

You lock up, I'll go
and take her, I'll come back.

No, no, it's fine.
I'm all right.

No, it's all right,
it's all right.

- Promise.
- Give me the case.

Give me the case.

- Thank you.
- All right. Cheers.

- Bye.
- See you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Be good.

- Come on.
- Okay.

Um, yeah, you do that end,

- I'll follow you to the middle.
- Okay.

Like my shirt?

Yeah, it's all right.

I thought we'd go Hawaiian.

Yeah, it's nice.

- I feel left out now.
- I'm fucking hanging.

I didn't bring my Hawaiian shirt
with me.

Oh.

Listen, I'm thinking,
we got to get some food, yeah?

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

But I'm just thinking that,
time-wise, rather than going on,

why don't we just stay
moored here,

go and get the food

come back, we stay here tonight,

and then we straight through
tomorrow morning.

Otherwise, we're gonna go on,

and we're just gonna be really
pushed for time.

- It's just gonna be stress.
- We've got loads of time.

- Yeah, we got a...
- Yeah.

Good few hours of daylight left.

Well, let's go to the pub,

have some food, have a drink...

- Have a chill out.
- And then see how we feel.

- Just chill.
- But I know... I know how I feel.

I'm feeling
so fucking tired, guys.

Is that all right?

We've had 15 hours,

we've not got so long
to get back,

and I'm just worried,
if we go too much further,

we're not gonna get back again

I just think,
I'm just stressing about it.

Yeah, but you...
You'll feel better

after you've had a drink
and you've had

- some food as well.
- Yeah, yeah.

But... So,
we'll see after I had some food,

but just it'll be...

- It's up to you.
- It'll be really.

It's up to you. I think you...

- I think you should rest anyway.
- Thank you.

- Yeah, definitely.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, we could think about it
after we eat.

Yeah, we can see how we feel.

Lis... Guys, please.
I don't feel... You're just not...

You're just not listening to me.

Please, why am I having
to fucking beg?

Seriously, why the fuck
am I having to beg for it?

Can we just
not fucking stay here?

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

- Let's go and get some food.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm... What the fuck?
- It's not a massive deal.

- It's not a big deal.
- Yeah, it's not a massive deal.

So why is it a massive
fucking deal?

Come on,
let's just... Let's just chill.

- Let's just calm down.
- Yeah.

We'll have some food.
We're tired.

I'm still bloody hungover.

- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- I'm... No, I'm sorry about it.

No, don't worry
about it. Don't worry about it.

You know, that resistance

it'd be just nice
if it was easy.

That's all I want.
It's just easy.

Well, yeah.
I'm hungry...

I don't think
that's a big deal, man.

It's not, it's not.
Entirely not.

Well, then, why is it scratchy?

Can't you just say,
"Yeah, of course

we'll stay here.
It's no problem, Jon"?

I just want to know why
that's all. It's fine.

I sort of explained it, I think.

It's not an arrogant thing
to say,

but I'm just sort of being...
Just being honest.

You know, I'm not...

I'm not saying I'm a great cook,
but I'm not a bad cook.

So, I'm very loathed
to pay money for food

that isn't as good as the food
that I've made.

Well, then,
you can cook yourself?

Yeah, I could cook myself
and normally I cook better.

To be honest.
Do you know what I mean?

And that's... I find that tricky.

So we tend to
go to like, really...

Like, occasionally,
a couple of times a year,

we go to, like,
a really nice restaurant,

- sort of thing.
- Mm-hmm.

And, um, this Story one

won a Michelin star
a couple years ago,

and it was really, sort of like,
a really cool restaurant.

One of these ones that does
the taster menu.

- Right.
- Yeah, yeah, I... I understand.

I understand.
Okay, cheers, thanks.

All right, bye.

You all right, dude?

- Bad news?
- That's not a face of...

Uh, no, no news.

- No?
- No news.

No news is good news?

No, no news is no news.

That's true, actually

Um...

- I tried, I did try, yeah.
- To be fair, he did.

- Giving him his due.
- Yeah.

What's happening?
What's going on?

Um, so, about three,
four weeks ago...

you know, Max from the show,
do you know him?

Uh, yeah, yeah.
He went to drama school.

Yeah. That's right.

Um, he's a nob,
but he's a nice nob.

Yeah, he's a nice guy.

Um, uh, so he's got a
three picture movie deal.

- Cunt.
- Arse.

And he's not coming back
to the show,

but he is supposed to die

in the very first episode

- next season.
- Right, right, right.

And somebody has to die,

and it has to be one
of our... Our gang.

Oh, you think they might
kill you off?

Well, it's gonna be me
or two other guys.

One of us has to go.

So, I'm waiting to find out.

Oh, no, that's a nightmare.

If... If I go back, I get killed.

- And that's it, job done.
- Yeah, yeah.

Or I go back and we continue
where we left off.

- Oh, mate.
- Where I have a nice, you know,

- kind of regular job.
- Does missus know about it?

Yeah, obviously,
I've kept her in the loop

and we've known for a few weeks
of, you know,

what the possibilities are
but we just bought a house,

- you know.
- Oh.

And my missus has given up work
to raise our daughter.

Which is, you know,
absolutely what we wanted to do,

but now...

I mean, look, that's just...

- It's a big question.
- That's our life.

And that's what happens
in our business,

and you just never know

and, you know,
that's what we've chosen and...

- we just have to live with it.
- Oh, mate, that's fucking shit.

You know, but, you know, you
kind of struggle, and struggle,

and struggle and you get it
then you finally get it,

and you're like, "Yes!"
And it's all happening for you,

you love it and then, mm,

sorry, no.

- You know, it's just, you know.
- Oh, mate.

- It's so not fair.
- We thought

it was regular, and solid,
and that,

if though you should never
ever think that,

because you just don't know.

- Um...
- Yeah, but you... Yeah.

And just put it
out there, you know, like,

four more seasons.

Yeah, four more seasons.
This is to four more seasons.

Four more seasons, yeah.

- Cheers, lads.
- Right, okay.

I'm gonna find the shop.

- Okay.
- I need to get

- some biscuits.
- Oh, yes, biscuits.

And what, um,
do you need anything else?

- Water.
- Water.

- Anything else?
- I'm all right.

- I think that's it.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Do you want us

- to order for you?
- Yeah, will you order some food?

Do you know what you want?

- Yeah, I want the crab salad.
- A crab salad?

- Okay.
- What if they don't have that?

I'll have fish cakes.

But get the crab salad
if they have,

- because I fancy that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

crab salad.

All right, boys.
I won't be long.

- Okay, mate.
- Okay. See you in a sec,

- yeah?
- See you.

- See you in a bit.
- Yeah, all right.

- You got cash on you?
- Yeah.

Six pound, twenty.
Thank you.

Yeah.

Noodle.

Fifteen, 01, thank you.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- How are you, all right?
- Yeah, you?

Yeah, good, thank you.

Stocking up.

I like a bit of
'reduced to clear'.

Ah, water as well actually.

- Big bottles of water?
- At the side there.

There, down on the bottom shelf.

Thank you.

Thanks. Oh, can I get
a packet of, um...

A packet of Rizlas?
The big silver ones, please.

Here's Jon.

He's got a load of shit.

Did you go shopping then?

I meant to say,
did you get any water?

Like plain water?

Uh, 'cause all we've got
is fizzy.

You took your time.

I got noodles.

Guys? What were you doing?

- Look at the sun.
- It's amazing. Yeah.

It's a beautiful day.
Why were you just lying there

like a couple of plums.
Let's go.

- Let's go.
- Trip down the river. Let's go.

- This is... This is absurd.
- This is lovely.

We got, like, we got 20 hours
left or something.

- It's lovely, it's great.
- Why are we moored up?

Let's get going. Let's go.

Are you taking the piss?

- No. We need to go now.
- What are you...

- Come on.
- Why now?

- Because it's gorgeous.
- Why wouldn't you go?

- It is gorgeous.
- Why wouldn't we go?

Because its fucking gorgeous.

- Why wouldn't we go?
- It's lovely.

- Why wouldn't we go?
- Because you didn't want to go.

- Yeah. Yeah. You were right.
- That's why we didn't go.

- Okay. You were right.
- Yeah. We were.

All right.
I don't like saying it.

So let's fucking go.
Come on.

- Shall I steer?
- Yes.

Cast off at the front. Yeah,
Zoob, cast off at the back?

You cheeky fucker.

- Go.
- Oh, what is he like?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

Why? I mean, why?

Yeah. I know.
But when you say that

it just leaves me fucking cold.

I can't... You...
You can't fucking say that.

It doesn't matter.
It doesn't fucking matter.

No. I can't do that.

Seriously. Fuck off.

All right. Well,
why do I have to change?

Huh?

Why do... Why do... Why do...
Why do I have... No.

Why do I have to change?
You can change.

Why does anyone have to change?
Fuck!

Why don't you fucking listen
to what I'm saying?

No. I don't want
to do that anyway.

I just can't do that anymore.

There we go.

Oh, look, we gotta... All set up.

- All set up.
- Ah. He was in the pictures.

- Yeah. Yeah. He's been...
- There's loads of them

- down there.
- Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

They're... They're my sort of
therapy, as it were.

Amazing.

What do you mean,
they're your therapy?

Um...

I'm not sure it would actually
classify as therapy,

but I think it's about...

allowing a thing to just happen.

It's working for me as a...
As a way of...

releasing and letting go,
and answering my own questions.

I do it with other people,
too, sometimes.

Would you?

Take your glasses off.

I might do this as a portrait.

Okay.

I don't think anyone's ever
done my portrait before.

Actually, no, no,
when I was in Disneyland,

- I got caricature with...
- Disneyland?

Oh.

That was really scary.

- Is that okay like that?
- Yeah.

- We lost one.
- You lose one?

Yeah.

- Uh, that was the dark one.
- That was the shit one.

That was the dark one... Yeah.

I didn't like that one.

Happy.

Oh, God. This is real sadness.

But that's what you were at,
maybe. Is it?

Well, I supposed so.

But this is your thing,
so like...

If this... has got a lot of
sadness in this picture,

is that also a reflection of...

Is that just a reflection
of the person that's...

Yeah, at the time.
And also...

Well, I was gonna say,
not just a reflection

of the person
who's asking the question.

- But also the painter as well.
- Yeah. Exactly. Exactly.

Possibly? Well it...
Because I know you

too much.

- Well, enough.
- Mm-hmm.

- Too much.
- Hmm.

Yeah. Well, yeah.
It's a bit of both.

Especially this one.

Especially, you know,
especially here

while we're here,
do you know what I mean?

It's a nice thing to be here.

I know. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Why I organized this trip
is just to kind of

- be together.
- Mm-hmm.

Everybody to have
a chilled-out time.

It was... Are you having a...

Yeah. I am. I know I had
a little freak out earlier,

but I am. I really am.

- Yeah.
- You know,

I don't want to sort of pretend
that everything is great

when it's not great,

I don't know
if that's particularly good.

But I can still know
it's not great

- and still have a good time.
- You can put a face on.

- But then you won't...
- It's... It's not even that.

It's not even that.

- Why put a face on?
- It's just... It's ju... Exactly.

It's just, you know,
there's so many good things

that they can exist
with the bad things

- at the same time.
- Yeah.

You know?

That bit there.

I fucking hate that bit there.

What are you gonna do about it?

Uh-uh, it's got to exist
with that bit there

- which I really like.
- Mm-hmm.

You might wanna back up a bit.

Why? Fuck.

Please, shut up.
Please shut up.

Just please. Please.

- Oh, God.
- Just shut the fuck up.

Shut up. I don't...

Yeah. You can do that.
You can fucking do that.

I don't fucking care.
I really don't care.

It's done. Fine.

It's over.

He's having a bad day, isn't he?

- So, we were...
- Bit more this way, Jon?

So, we didn't wanna get to...

- That.
- That.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It shouldn't be...

- It should be just like...
- Behind those trees

- or something.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, look at that sky.

Heads, boys, it's got...

Fuckin' hell I can feel the heat
comin' off that!

- Fire an' half, innit!
- Wow.

Bloody hell, that's...

I wanna go and check it out.

So, the...
To the left. To the left.

- Yeah.
- Other side of those.

- Yeah. More left.
- Quite like the idea

of going and investigating
that fire.

Eh?

Go an investigate that fire.

It was in somebody's garden.

Yeah.

Just rock up.

I reckon
they were burning foreigners

Left, Jon.
You're going into the bank.

- Left? Left?
- Left.

- Has it gone back to the right?
- But have you seen that?

It's going around to the right.

- Have you seen that?
- To the right?

- Is it?
- Look at that.

- Look at that. Look at that.
- Oh. Wow.

So, keep an eye on this.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So, this is it?

This is it.
We're at the priory.

We gonna to moor?

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- There's a place to moor.

We should do.
We should do because it's late.

♪ Girl that's life ♪

♪ That's what all
Those people say ♪

- ♪ And I... ♪
- You goin' there?

♪ ...to you anyway ♪

Actually, Jon.

- Stop.
- We wanna get there.

It's beautiful, man, isn't it?

Yeah, it's amazing.

- Home.
- What's that?

- Home.
- Yeah.

- Done? Nice.
- Yeah, nearly.

- Result.
- Result.

- Result.
- Perfect timing, eh?

Yeah.

It's properly perfect timing.

- We have... We have...
- About another...

10 minutes or 15 minutes
and we'll be in pitch black.

Yeah.

Right.
I think it's time for a beer.

What is that...
What is that thing, eh?

- What thing?
- That great big building

- back there.
- It's the priory.

So, like, uh, priory
that somebody...

I think Zoob knows.

And, you know,
but... And it's a cliché

about having a kid,

and it completely
changing your life,

and, uh, for me,
it absolutely was that.

- Yeah.
- Just when they pop out,

I never...

I never expected to feel

- how I felt about this child.
- Yeah.

- I never... I was completely...
- There's no way.

And utterly overwhelmed

by the love that I had
for my kid.

It's totally different
from the love I have

for my missus.

Um, who I adore,
despite everything.

Um, with, uh,
with the little one, it's...

- Yeah.
- It's...

I always thought it'll be a bit
like it is like my mum, dad,

or something.
And the thing is, you can't...

Unless you've had it.
It's so powerful.

And I... I remember, I sort of

was thinking about it
and all the, you know,

all those... All the love
that you have for people.

It's something
that you've built up

over a period of time. So love...

You know, you didn't meet
your missus, and you're just

like, super in love.
That might grow over time.

And I see as, well,

like the love that you have
for your parents,

like now I'm on the other side,

I see that I have to win
Freddy's love.

It's not like that he was born,
and was like, "I love you."

You know I have to, you know,
win his love

but the other way around is like
a totally different thing.

- You know, you, you, um...
- But, well, that maybe...

My mate pointed out to me,
it's like

that's how your parents
feel about you.

- Exactly.
- And I was like...

- Exactly.
- Oh, my God. That's...

And I think
it's a real humbling thing

that you just realize, like,
you sort of let your parents

- off the hook a lot more?
- Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I mean.
I sort of think,

you know, how wound up I get,

you know, when my
mom or whatever.

And then, yeah.
You think, fuck, like how,

you know, how I'd feel
if my boy was speaking to me.

When I'm a bit, ugh,
with my mom still...

You know?
That would fucking destroy me

if he was like that.
And you just realize how...

Just how much they love you.

And it's not the same
as the other way.

- No.
- I don't think

I'll ever get that, that's
the trouble at the moment.

Just because like, uh, I,

you know, I won't have kids.
Probably, I'm 44.

And it's not looking likely
I'm in a...

I'm not in a relationship.

I don't think I wanna adopt
by myself.

Or have some lesbian, kind of,
have my kid.

- Surrogate for you.
- Yeah. Yeah.

But at least there's not...

You're not up against such a,
uh, a time limit.

- No. No.
- You know what I mean?

You could adopt...
You could be older and adopt.

I don't wanna be 60 and have...

No,
but you're a ways from being 60.

Thankfully, we've...

Yeah, not that far.

I was on my own
for like six years, you know.

I'd had things here and there,
but hadn't met someone.

And then, you know, and I,
kind of, just stopped,

stopped really looking for it.

And then suddenly
there she was...

Mm.

Doing my make up, you know?
On a job.

And, uh,
and then it just happened.

You know, so, I think
that's part of, uh, you know,

it's like when you desperately
want something so badly

or you're looking for something
so badly, you know,

you're almost putting up
a resistance to it somehow.

- Yeah, it's funny.
- I don't know, like,

quite how that was,
but it seems to be the way,

- doesn't it?
- Have you, um,

have you seen this movie?

It's called... Fuck,
don't know what it's called.

It's like 24 hours long.
Have you seen this thing?

- No.
- And every minute

of the film,
they're just random minutes

of films,

but just each one
has a clock in the scene

- with that time.
- Oh...

These are movies
that have been made

- in the... Already?
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So you've got the, um, you know,
The Harold Lloyd.

So, they're taking clips?
Oh, okay.

Yeah, the steps,
what's the steps?

The 39 Steps or whatever.

Is there a scene on that where
he's on the clock or something?

- That's Harold Lloyd.
- Oh, yeah?

But all... So you've got
all of those famous...

- Okay.
- clock scenes.

So, say it says 4:28
or whatever,

you get round the 4:28
and there's that...

What, and is there
a clock in the background?

- Or is it actually...
- Every...

- There's a clock.
- It's always.

- Every time, every time.
- Yeah.

Every minute of the time.

Every minute of 24 hours.

And what's amazing about it

is that when you watch it,

you start making a story
out of it.

Even though,
there can't be a story.

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- What, connecting them?

Yeah. Exactly. Exactly.
They're all... They're all...

Uh, it's just like every...

it's just a minute, minute,
minute, minute.

And you start... You just start
like tying it all up.

And you know it can't be
because, basically,

we had to put that thing there
because it's 3:23,

it's the only scene we
could find where it's 3:23,

but your brain is still
making it into this thing

You know, we need to feel

like we've got some sort of
certainty.

And if you accept,

that it's just chaos,
it's just terrifying, you know.

- So, you sort of make...
- Of course.

You make like a logical sense
of things.

You make them like
into, uh, a narrative.

We have like narratives
about our own lives?

Well, I think
it's giving yourself...

it's justifying your own purpose

and your own existence,
otherwise, it's all meaningless.

Either you... You run with that

and you go
nothing fucking matters,

- or you go, okay, well, now...
- Like a nihilist?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Or you make it matter to you

and you give yourself
some purpose.

- And I think...
- Like a religious thing,

- do you mean?
- No.

Uh, no, just, like, uh,
some coping mechanism.

Yeah.

Because otherwise you go nuts,
don't you?

That's really happened,
that it's been this thing

of trying to really, um,

like trying to work it, like,

work through this,
like, sequence of events,

and they're all random...

Y'know,
they are all random things.

But I was, you know,

I'm still struggling
with that a bit.

But I've been struggling loads,
and just trying to make...

all of those sequence of events,
you know my dad thing,

like mean this
bigger sort of picture,

but they were just loads
of just random things.

Do you know what I mean?
Like, at first, there's like,

you know, there's like the, um,
you know, there's a...

There's a stroke,
and then there's like, uh,

you know, uh,
there's like a lung thing

a couple of months later,
you know, it's like... Y'know,

whatever it is.

And then your dad's dead.

And you're never
gonna see him again.

Yeah.

I know that it doesn't matter,
that it doesn't make sense,

but I've got
to make sense of it.

Yeah. Yeah.

And it... And it doesn't.

And it's... And it's like
how they're all,

you know, uh,
it's like a puzzle or something.

And you, you try
and make them...

You're trying to connect them.

Yeah.

Oh, mate.

Oh. Fuck.

No. No. It's cool.
It's cool. I'm sorry.

Oh, don't worry about it.
Don't apologize.

Just fucking let it go, man.

If you wanna.

- It's totally up to you.
- Yeah, no, it's...

It's really cool.
It really is.

Oh. Fucking cunt.

Right. Let's get this one going.

Yeah, man.

Just stay inside,
it's been so good to see you.

We love you, dude.

- That's why we're here.
- That's why we're here.

Right, now, okay.

It's coming up, man.

- Sun's coming up.
- It's getting light.

- It properly is.
- Shall we?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, man. Definitely.

Easy now.

There's probably
a crossing this way.

We'll go this way.

Carry on. Go down there.

Oh, we're not allowed in there?

Well, it's just says no fishing.

Oh. I thought
it was a private property.

I thought as well that it said
that you weren't allowed in.

Yeah.

But just to get to...

It's the light
playing tricks on you.

Hey, look, look, look,
look, look, look.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

- Shall we walk on a bit?
- Yeah.

- Do you climb over, do you?
- No. You just pull it.

There's all barbed wire
on there.

I'm scared of gates.

Cocky.

Noisy buggers, aren't they?

There's something
up there. What is that?

Some sort
of lock-y thing, isn't it?

- It's like a lock.
- Is it?

- I don't know.
- Can you hear that?

Yeah.

Sounds like running water to me.

Mm-hmm.

Is it?

I don' know. Blue Bell.

We've passed the Blue Bell.