Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives (2010) - full transcript

Whenever somebody messes with
you, they're messing with me...

Male genitalia...

Straight male mentality...

She is our designated driver...

Matriarch disposition and an
unparalleled exquisiteness...

Do it for us!

Isn't it obvious?

*

*

Nice legs -- what
time they open up?

Excuse me?



Oh, come on, you gonna
give up the pussy, or what?

I know you got it
with you.

Gross!

Oh, come on, baby,
you know you like it.

*

Hey, tranny!

There she is!
Bitch!

Hey, baby.
What's going on?

You better strut
those pumps, girl.

*

Bubbles, what
are you doing?

You're performing
tonight.

I know, I know! I am!

I'm just running
a little bit late.



I'm stressed out
enough as it is.

Hey, girl.

Hey, honey.

You're looking
hot today, mama.

Fergus is gonna
kill you.

I know, shut up! I'm going
as fast as I can, La'trice.

Fergus is pissed!

Listen, I'm sorry.
Shit! I'm here now.

*

You okay?
You seem on edge.

Yeah, I'm late and Fergus
is gonna kick my ass.

Here you go.

Thanks, babe.

*

(cheers and applause)

*

*

Bubbles honey,
come on now,

we've got to be on stage
in five minutes.

Let me help you.

Jesus Christ Meryl Streep, girl,
what has happened to your eye?

Girl, it looks
like a shiner.

Quintero chingasos.

Mija, did you
get in a fight?

It's okay, don't worry about it,
girl, it's nothing.

You should put
some meat on it.

You would say that, ho.

Well, girl, doesn't a big
slab of meat on your face

make you feel better?

Yeah, a little bit.

Thank you...
trust mama pee-pees.

Ladies, we don't have
time for this right now.

You know it's that
guy she's dating.

I told you, girl,
he was trouble.

Guys I find always
have a degree from

the Burning Bed Academy
of Farrah Fawcett.

I really don't want
to talk about it.

This is exactly
why I'm single...

'cause of shit
like that.

You're single
because you're fat.

Guess what?
I can lose weight.

You can't diet away
that ugly face of yours.

Jealous.

Is that true, Bubbles?

That Emma's ugly?
Yeah, look.

I said I really don't want
to talk about it, you guys.

Fine, we don't have
to talk about it,

but let me help
you get ready.

I got it!

Okay...

Okay, ladies, it's showtime!

You should have duct tape
in all the right places.

How's everybody doing?

Hey, Bubbles.

Ooh...

Mm-hmm.

How you doing?

It's nothing,
some girl just hit me.

Some girl?
Mm-hmm...

This really
pisses me off.

I've had it.

You know whenever somebody
messes with you,

they're messing with me.

And I don't like anybody
messing with my girls.

Especially my baby girl.

Do you understand me?

Yes, mama.

So when somebody gets out of
line with you, you make sure

you let mama know
so she can handle that.

Do you understand?

Yes mama, I do.

Now that looks better.

You look beautiful.

Wow, that's better.

A lot better.

Let's punch it.

Maybe that's the wrong
choice of words.

This first entertainer is
blonde, she's beautiful

and buxom --
she's Tipper Sommore!

(cheers and applause)

*

This next young lady has only
been in this country for three

weeks and she's already learned
how to lip-synch in English --

the beautiful Emma Grashun!

*

She's not a racist,
she hates everyone equally.

Make some noise for
Miss Rachel Slurr.

*

She is my bubbling
bundle of joy,

please welcome, welcome, welcome
the beautiful Bubbles Cliquot.

*

And I am your Queen of Cupcakes,

the Seductress of Sweets,
the Diva of Desserts,

I'm your hostess with the
mostest, Pinky La'trimm.

What's his name?

Nacho.

Excuse me?

Nacho type, girl.

Just kidding, Mary, it's Nacho.

Nacho like the cheese?

Girl, it's just a nickname.

I don't even want to
know why his nickname

has anything to do with
a dairy product, I'm sorry.

It's just short for his name.

Which is?

Ignacio.

Ignacio? I dated a guy
named Ignacio once.

Girl, did you?
What's his last name?

Honey, please,
he is not your guy.

My exes know better than to date
my girlfriends even though

they know how much you
like sloppy seconds.

Well, Miss Thing,
it's a pretty common name

especially with
a Latin familia.

You know, my ex-boyfriend Juan,
Juan in San Antonio,

has a brother Ignacio,
they also call him Nacho.

Let's see, in my family we have,
my uncle, they call him Chemo;

my cousins, they call him
Coocooie, Doy Doy,

Mi Tio Chemito, Gordo, Flaco,
Enano, Turnio, Terco, Tastaruda,

and a whole bunch of different
things like that, girl.

It's commonly used
like that all the time.

That's like 48 too many
syllables right there.

It's a cultural thing,
makes me hungry.

That means he's hot.

He's going to be over at Trashy
Tuesdays over at Weenie Land.

You want to come, mama?

Trashy Tuesday?
Girl, that's tonight!

Mm-hmm.

No, no, no, listen,
we just shook our asses

for like 300 people.

400.

No, they throw quarters at me!

I'm not in the mood!

You act like you
gotta be somewhere

more important tonight.

I was gonna go to the movies
with some friends

that you don't know.

Translation -- You're gonna go
home and you're gonna bust out

the box of those DVDs and
watch that "Bionic Woman."

That's what you're
going to do!

Andele!

That's what you're
gonna go do, girl.

And what's wrong
with that, girl?

Lindsay Wagner was hot
before she did the whole

jump on the bed, my wine
don't spill commercial.

She's an icon.

Girl, whatever,
Miss Thing.

Tipper, you coming?

Yeah, I'm coming.

Bubbles, you going
to join us?

Come on, Mary,
let's go.

I'm really not up for it.

Come on, honey,
a drink with the girls

will really help
take your mind off it.

You'll feel better.

The best way to get over a man
is to meet another one.

Pinky's coming, too.

She is?

Yeah, she said she's come as
soon as she's done shaking

her milkshake for all
the boys on the yard.

Alright, I guess I'll go.

Throw on some deodorant
and let's go.

Wait, wait...So all you
bitches are going?

Yep, too bad
you can't join us.

Well, if I knew it was going
to be like a sausage party,

I would have reconsidered.

Wait a minute...So if
I would have invited you,

you would've stayed home
and watched those DVDs

of Miss Thing.

All of a sudden, all
the squirrels wanna come

and you want to join?

Bitch, that's tired.

You're late for doing that.

That's so shady --
the house down boots.

Well, here's the thing.
No, here's the thing.

I like you, but one on one,
we have problems communicating.

Because it's like Charo
spitting Fritos at me.

I can't understand.

Oh! Okay, girl...

You wouldn't be saying that if
you'd seen the piece of trade

that Nacho's bringing
with him tonight.

Wait, Nacho's
got a friend?

Yeah, he's coming
tonight, he's hot.

Oh, tell me his name has
nothing to do with the penis.

They call him
Cheddar-Cheesy Chuey.

Jesus Christ,
he's uncut.

Uncut? What?

*

*

I'm just saying, toots,
three and a half months.

Oh honey, that's
not a relationship.

That's a trick
that won't go away.

Exactly.

Yeah, anything less
than four months

should not be considered
a relationship.

But I was in love.

You weren't
in love, honey.

The first two months
of a relationship

is the getting to
know you phase.

You know, wearing your best
costumes, your best hair,

your biggest jewelry,
all that kind of stuff.

It's the next two months
that you really begin to

see their true colors.

Oh, shining through?

True colors.

That's why I love you.

So don't be afraid...

I'm not.

...to let them show.

Your true colors.

Your true colors.

Your true colors.

Your true colors.

You're beautiful like a rainbow.

Can I slit my wrists now?

Bartender, I need a shot
of Clorox with a beer back.

Anyway...Back to
what I was saying.

The third and fourth month
is when you really begin

to see their flaws,
who they really are.

You know, that they
piss on the toilet seat

and then leave it up,
it's that kind of bullshit.

If you make it through all of
that and you're still together,

then you can call it dating,
only then.

Well, that's not going
to happen with Nacho.

Why is that?

'Cause he's straight.

To bed maybe?

You really think he's straight?

I mean, he acts and
he looks straight, girl.

There's such a thing called
as a straight-acting gay man.

I mean, look around.

Not here, but like, they're
all muscle queens, never mind.

Well, if he ain't straight,
I think he's one of those

bisexual type of guys,
you know what I'm saying?

Oh honey, you, unicorns,
and leprechauns

are the only people that
believe in bisexual men.

Exactly.

I don't believe
in that either.

Have you ever noticed that
these self-proclaimed bi-guys

are never looking
for women?

Have you noticed that?

Oh bi now, gay later.

First he was curious.

Then bi-curious.

Exactly! Then it
was metro-sexual.

I'm sorry, but if you wax your
eyebrows, you know the words

to Wicked, and you suck dick,
you are gay.

Not metro-sexual, gay!

Homosexual, alternative
lifestyle representative.

Bitches, be proud of it.

Okay, Miss Tipper,
so what does that make us?

Let's see...female qualities
and characteristics,

male genitalia,
straight male mentality,

black girl attitude,
celebrity fashion sense,

warrior facade,
matriarch disposition,

and unparalleled exquisiteness.

Isn't it obvious?

We're the solution.

Solution to what?

Emma's still a dude in
a dress with man problems.

Bitch, eat me raw.

Con queso cabrona.

So what are we
the solution to?

Haven't you heard
the story of Eva?

Gabor?

No ma'am, let me tell you,
it's all God stuff.

You know, first he created
the earth, the moon, the light,

all that good stuff;
and then creates man.

And he calls him Adam.

Then, knowing that man is
going to be too preoccupied

playing with his ding-a-ling
by himself --

Did you give her coke again?

Really bitch? Let me
tell you about God!

Because honey, you two are
never going to meet him

so let me introduce you because
I plan on seeing him one day.

Alright?

So he creates Adam and then
decides he needs a woman

to entertain Adam.

So he takes the rib from
Adam and he creates woman

and he calls here Eve.

But you know, Eve ain't gonna be
a little misses at home because

she heard about the Lilith
lesbian biotch that, you know,

didn't want to do with all that
and so she's like,

"I'm ain't vacuuming your house,

I ain't gonna mop your floors
and take care of your children."

But God said, "No, y'all
gotta be the foundation

for all mankind."

And she said, "No ma'am."

And so God went okay, we'll
create someone that will be

the vision, the intellect,
the leadership,

the inspiration for all mankind.

So he took a ring from the
backbone of Adam and a muscle

from the heart of Eve and
he created a third creature

and he called that
creature "Eva."

Wow.

Okay, that wasn't a
buzzkill or anything.

Maybe.

I could use a drink. Who else?

Look at the table,
bitch, all of us.

ALL:
Shots!

*

Hey Pinky,
how you doing?

I'm good, honey.
How are you?

Pretty good.
Good show?

Oh, I was fabulous.

Of course you were.

Can I get you a buttery nipple
or a cowboy cocksucker?

Sure, I'd love one, but right
now, I'll just take the drink.

A Shirley Temple...
extra Shirley.

You do that so good, honey.

There you go.

Thank you, sweetie.

Put that on my tab,
okay, sugar loaf?

Hey ladies, what's up?

Hey, girl.

Miss Grashun's over there trying
to get her piñata busted.

How's my baby girl?

I'm feeling better now.

Good, good.

Rachel, Emma's actually
calling you over there.

*

Oh God...Alright,
don't wait up.

Good luck.

*

Can anyone break
this ten for me?

I've only got my card.

I think I can,
hold on a sec.

Why?

Phantom of the Opera
over there, look at him...

I think he's new and
I want to tip him big.

Girl.

Thank you.

Some girls never
change, huh?

No, they don't.

So how's that eye?

Better.

You really can't see it
in here it's so dark.

Yeah, right.

We need a cocktail.

Yes.

What's her nuts...What's
the waitress' name?

Um, senor?
Senorita?

My name's Helluva-Bottom Carter,
I'll be your waitress.

Anything I can get ya?

*

Hey, sexy!
What's your name?

It's Flash.

Of course it is.
What's under the mask.

It's five.

Five what?

Five dollars and you can see.

To see your face?
That's it? Nothing else?

No burger, no fries,
no big coffee, no Gucci bag,

Prada shoes, nothing,
just your face?

Really?

It's a good thing you're new.

*

Can you handle that?

Handle what?

You painted your face
just like your fucking mask.

Really? That's it?

Honey, I must say you've
got a body by God

but a face to protect it.

You owe me 4.50.

*

Nooch!

*

Mama?

Yeah baby,
what is it?

Well, um...

What is it, honey?
Just say it.

My eye...

Can you believe that guy?
He charged me five dollars

to see his face and trust me,
he is not cute.

I want my change back.

You didn't see
us talking?

Rude bitch.

I don't know if we should,
Nacho, I mean,

what if you turn out to be one
of those crazy panty sniffers

or a rapist, or something
crazy like that?

That would be
bad, Emma.

Hey, we can just
chill out and relax.

You hear that? We can
just chill out and relax.

Your accent is
so continental.

I guess so...I live
just down the street,

about ten minutes
from here.

Or we could just go to
Chuey's place 'cause

he just lives
right up the street.

Yeah, up the street.

Hold on, we got a little
problem, okay, 'cause we have

another buddy and that
would make three of us,

okay, and two of you.

So...

Yeah, that's
a problem.

I'm not sharin' mine.

Hey, why don't invite your
gringa friend over there?

Who? Bubbles?

She can't come.
She just had an abortion.

No really, our other friend
he really likes white girls.

Hello?

Skinny white girls.

I don't think Bubbles
gets down like that.

I don't think she's
gonna come, she won't,

but we can handle you, we can
handle all three of you guys.

Invite her and
the party's on, chica.

Yeah, that'd be perfect.

Invite her and
the fiesta can begin!

She is our
designated driver.

Right.

I have an idea.
Come on, girl.

*

So what are you
guys talking about?

Chuey.

She's going to introduce
me to her cousin.

To my trade's cousin.

You're all related.
Shut up!

What cousin?

And what are you
gonna tell him?

Me gusta tapanga
con queso.

No, me gusta tu pinga
grande con queso.

That's what you tell him.

Wait, one more time, shut up.
What'd you say?

Me gusta tu pinga grande
con queso mama.

You're going to have
to write that down.

I will, honey.
I'll write it down.

Bye, honey.

Why is it every time she talks,
I immediately want Taco Bell.

Every time anybody talks,
you want Taco Bell.

Love you, Pinky.

I love you, too.

Bye, Tipper.

Miss Thing, watch your step,
your dick's gonna come out.

Girl, is your
face on still?

Shut up.

I love you, babe.

I love you, too, mama.

You be careful
driving home, okay.

I will, I'll call you
as soon as I get home.

Make sure.

I will. Love you.

Y'all be careful.

Thank you, bye!

Tipper, come with me,
I left my purse.

Don't drink and
drive, honey.

If you do, drive
someone else's car.

Hit it, Toots!

Vamanos!

*

We got here quick.

Rach, is this the place?

This is where they said.

Who's place?

It looks kinda dirty, girl,
but I kinda like it.

Yeah, this is it.

C'mon, Bubbles.

Where are we?

Neither one of you
guys live here.

Get out, Bubbles.

Uh-uh.

C'mon Bubbles, get out.

What's going on?

Bubbles...Rachel,
you didn't tell her?

Well, Nacho and
Chuey are here.

God, who cares!

You guys can stay, I'm leaving.

No, they have a friend!

Who gives a shit
if they have a friend?

You know I'm not up
for this right now.

Why did you guys bring me here?

I told you we should
have told her, stupid!

Shut up, Emma.

Listen, this friend of theirs,
he's probably super cute.

I don't give a shit if he's
cute or hot or whatever.

I'm not in the mood to meet
anybody right now and I'm really

pissed off that you guys
tricked me into coming here.

I'm not up for this right now!

Fine, we'll leave,
get in the car!

No, no get in the car.
We'll go buy balloons.

Balloons?

Balloons, yeah, for your
fucking pity party, bitch!

If you want to be dopey Doris
and piss on everybody's fun,

fine, do it!

But it's not about you,
it's about us!

Especially me and
my empty asshole!

I haven't had dick
in a year, okay?

Mary!

I'm sorry... there are three
of them and two of us

and we cannot pull
a train, okay?

We need you.

Just go in, grab a drink, say
you have cramps and then split.

Do it for us!

Fine, one drink
and I'm outta here.

Sickening.
Time to party!

Do you have condoms?

Condoms?

I have a whole purse full.

* C'mon ride the train
Ride it...*

What we go through
to get her laid.

Girl, c'mon,
just get it together.

I need some tape,
it's hot and slippery.

Girl, there's
no doorbell.

Then knock.

Okay.

Nobody is there.

Mary, hold on,
hold on.

Pizza's here!

Oh!

They must be Amish, leaving
the door unlocked and shit.

Okay, this
looks shady.

It's actually
very straight.

This is how
straight guys live.

They're so cute though.

We're gonna have a good time.

Emma, I'm begging you,
please, let's just go.

Bubbles, it's gonna be fun.

(screaming)

Chuey! Hi, how are you?

Um...this is my
girlfriend Bubbles.

Bubbles...
Mucho gusto.

Right this way, ladies.

Nice to see you again.

Be social.

Nacho.

Come here, girl.

Sorry it took so long.

Stupid Bubbles was
giving us a hard time.

Something about this
doesn't seem right.

*

What the hell are
you doing here?

*

*

What am I doing here?
What am I doing here?

I was out looking for you.

Why?

Did you miss me?

How can I miss you
if you won't go away?

Oh yeah.

Oh...

Looks like you got
yourself a little shiner.

I swear I didn't think
I hit you that hard.

He gave you the black eye?

He raped me!

(snickering)

Rape you?

Well, that's one
way to look at it.

The other way to look at it
is that you lied to me.

I didn't lie to you,
you bastard!

Au contraire mon frere, you did.

See, because you made me think
that you was a real girl.

You put something in my drink

and you kidnapped me,
you fucker!

Only because I thought
you were a real chick.

How's that one song go?

Dude looks like a...a what?

A lady.

Why do you go around
dressed up like a girl, man?

'Cause where I come from,
that can get you in

quite a bit of trouble.

Where I come from,
people pay extra for it.

Ooh, I bet.

Because you're hot.

I mean, seriously guys, that
is the hottest fucking dude

that I have ever seen.

Get the hell away
from me, you asshole.

Feel familiar?

Me caressing your legs...
your thighs...

Pulling up your skirt...

Taking down your panties!

Could you imagine how
humiliating it was

when I reached around
and felt...oops!

Pretty embarrassing.

Actually, for a second there,
it kinda pissed me off.

But I had to finish the job.

I mean, a hole's a hole!
Am I right, fellas?

(laughter)

Oh, Goddamn!

That kinda hurt.
You're pretty quick.

Bubbles!

*

*

*

I am so cocktailed!

You and me
both, honey.

Girl, I can barely
feel my feet.

Your phone's ringing.

That's my phone?

Uh-huh.

Where is it?

Better get it.

Don't hang up!

Hello? Hello?

Who is it?

I don't know.

Hello?

Honey, let me
step outside.

I think it's Bubbles.

I'll go with ya.

I cannot believe I have to leave
my cocktail to go outside.

Where'd you
get that purse?

I got it at Ross.

Goodnight!

(glass breaking)

I'm not paying for those.

Neither am I.

Excuse me,
am I in your way?

No.

Well, you're
in mine, bitch!

Goodnight!

Aren't you gonna
take me to dinner?

I was?

*

*

*

Bubbles, where are you?
Bubbles!

Who hit her now?

*

It's okay, don't...
Please don't!

I don't know!
Ping her.

Ping her?

I don't know what to
do with this thing.

It's where we have our exact
locations programmed to

our phones so I can always find
her in case of an emergency.

That's fierce.

What is going on?

Got her, got her!
Where's your car?

This way...
Where are we going?

We got to
get Bubbles!

*

Pretty smart.

Oh, oh, oh!

*

You sit tight.

I want you to see something.

*

I...please...don't.

*

Which building
is she in?

I don't see her
car anywhere.

Well, according to this thing,
she's right around the corner.

Turn here!

*

Where the hell is Bubbles?

I was watching you, man,
I thought she was knocked out.

You were supposed
to be watching her!

Nacho, get your ass up, come on!

Go out the outside.

*

Bubbles? You in here?

*

Marco!

*

This is where you're
supposed to say Polo!

*

Where are you, you little minx?

What's that I smell?

Do I smell fear?

*

*

Yoo-hoo...

Pretty lady?

Why don't you give me a sign?

I'll do anything to
make you mine all mine.

*

*

(metal clanking)

*

*

Dammit!

*

Oh my God,
there she is!

Oh my God, Bubbles!
What did they do to you?

Are you okay?

C'mon, get in the car.
Get in the car.

Shit!

Shit man, they're
gonna call the cops.

Get in the car.

*

Pinky, come back!
We'll go to the cops!

No, no!

You have to stay here.

(sobbing)

*

Emma!

*

You hit like a bitch.

*

Get the fuck off of me!

Don't fuck with my girls!

(screaming)

*

*

(screaming)

*

*

*

*

*

(moaning)

(screaming)

Boo!

*

*

*

Hey babe.

Where are you?

I just got here.

I'm in the rear entrance.

Pun intended.

What? You're early?

Maybe that whack over the
head did you some good.

That wasn't even funny.

I'm sorry.

Fergus got some new girls.

They're new, but they'll work.

Will you? Oh okay.

How are you?

How do you think I am?

I'm going crazy
in my head.

What do you mean?

I thought you were
happy that she woke up.

I'm elated that
she woke up.

It's the other part of filling
her in that I'm dreading.

I can do it.

Really?

I don't have
a problem with it.

That would really take a
lot of the stress off of me.

So Rachel,
what would you say?

I would just say, "Bubbles,
you just woke up from a coma

because the man that
once raped you

hit you in the
head with a bat.

And hi,
glad you're up."

Never mind,
I'll tell her.

That's what happened!

Yeah, I know that's what
happened, Rachel, but still.

You've got to be more
sensitive about this.

She's in a very
vulnerable state.

She's really delicate.

You know, you've got to kind
of ease into these things.

No...I put duct tape
on my genitals every day,

and guess what, I just rip
it off, I deal with the pain.

Once, done, snap.

You just stand there
and be supportive, okay?

I'll be as supportive
as your jock strap.

Oh honey,
we are so sorry.

We didn't mean to
make you upset.

We are so stupid.

Dummies.

But we're really
happy you're okay.

How do you feel?

What are you doing?

No, no charades
right now.

You just came out of
a coma, just rest.

Maybe she's hungry.

Thirsty?

Want a cool
refreshing beverage?

There's no bar here.

I have some tequila
in my purse.

White trash.

What?

In your mouth?

Oh, I got it!

I got a king size candy bar
in my purse somewhere.

Stop being
a size queen!

Jealous?

Don't make that face.

No, we're trying.

Eye? Eye?
Your eye? I! I!

Fruit cup.

Can!

I can...okay.

Knot! Knot!

I can knot...

Speak!
She can't speak?

Oh my God! Did you
lose your voice?

She can't talk.

*

Hi, everybody.
How y'all doing?

I'm nurse Lingus, but
you can call me Connie.

What kind of
place is this?

How y'all feeling today?

*

You feeling okay?

Not so good today?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you drink all your juice?

Wonderful, just wonderful...

I take it you are her ride home?

Uh-huh.

That's great, just great.

She can't speak.
Where did her voice go?

I know. Poor little thing
just got a little knot

on her noggin, marbles fell
right out of her head,

but she'll be just fine
I think, just fine.

Oh good, you think.

But we can ask the doctor.

He'll be here momentarily.

Okay, we'll defer to him
because he's got a degree.

Oh, here he is right now!
Dr. Laccio!

Morning, ladies.

Hello, doctor.

Please, call me Phil.

Alright Phil,
you can feel me.

Oh!

So what's wrong with her,
doctor? She can't speak.

Yes, I know... It was caused
by the concussion she received

from the strike to her cranium.

The hit to her skull was so
severe and was done with such

exertion that it caused her to
go into shock, paralyzing her

vocal chords, rendering them
incapable of articulating

vocalization or
any reverberation,

much less generating any
resonance whatsoever.

So that means...

Bitch can't talk!

So that's bad.

Could be, could be.

How long do you
think it will last?

Maybe five minutes,
five days, five weeks...

or forever.

Oh no!

But she's a fighter,
she's a tough girl.

I think she's gonna
surprise us all.

I like surprises.

Thank you, doctor.

Oh, you don't have to thank me,
I'm just doing my job.

Just make sure she gets plenty
of rest, lots of fluids,

and lots of protein.

That's what I always say, lots
of fluids and lots of protein.

You know what...
I believe you.

*

What's wrong, baby?

Five?

*

Sorry baby,
but they're gone.

But Emma would want me
to have her shoes.

As if she could
fit them.

Bitch.

Oh my God!

What's the matter,
baby, you okay?

I can talk!
I can talk, mama!

* Lalala...mememe...

I knew you could do it.

I knew you were
gonna be okay.

I'm so proud of you.

I love you, mama.

I love you too, baby.

Okay, now I want
to know everything.

You don't really need
to know about this.

Not right now.

I do.

Do you remember any of it?

A little bit.

I know I got hit in the head
but I don't know by who.

It was Boner.

Boner? That bath-terd.

What did you say?

I said bath-terd.

Oh my.

Oh, my God! I have
a beach impediment!

A what?

I can't dalk! I suck!

What am I gonna do?
How am I gonna perform?

Sweetie, you lip sync.

Exthactkly! Oh...why God?

Id it becuth I'm beautiful?

Id it becuth I'm
a hot tranny mess?

I hate my life!

Hello, you left
your door unlocked!

Rachel, we're back here!

Girl, just relax,
it's okay.

You're so dramatic,
honey, relax.

Hey, Rach!

I hear somebody got their
voice back just in time

to start bitching again.

What's with the fit, girl?

Lith-en to me.

Oh, you're kidding me, right?

Id not funny,
this is embarathing!

You just pull yourself together.
This is not embarrassing, okay?

This is embarrassing!
I wouldn't even leave the house!

You're lucky
I brought you dinner.

That was really nice of you.

It was, wasn't it?

What id it?

It's your favorite, smell it.

A thalami thandwich?

(laughter)

Bubbles, it's Fergus!

Call me at your
earliest convenience.

(phone ringing)

Before you begin to speak,
you should know three things...

Fergus, it's Bubblth.

Bubblth?

Bubblth.

Bubblth?

No! Bubblth.

That's what I said, Bubblth.

Bub -- blzz.

Bubbles?

Bub-bles!

Oh, Bubbles, how are you?

I'm okay.

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Thankth.

Thankth?

Thankth!

Thankth?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Bubbles, I need you
to do me a favor.

I need you to gather all
the girls at your apartment.

I'm coming over to
take you somewhere.

Why?

Don't worry about it.

It's Poo-Poo Platter Tuesday.

Can you do it?

But id Wenthday.

No, it's Poo-Poo
Platter Tuesday.

Come prepared.

*

*

Where are we going?

I have no idea.

Oh, this shit ain't
on Goggle Maps, no.

Fergus, where are we going?

I don't even think
Fergus is alive.

*

Whoa! Whoa!

*

*

Come on! This ain't Bridge
Over Troubled Tranny.

*

Do you know where
you are going to?

Do you like the things
that life is showing you?

Where are you going to?

Do you know?

He'th thcaring me.

Child, I'm one step
past mortified.

*

They're like...
it's better than yours.

Damn right,
it's better than yours!

I could teach you,
but I'd have to charge.

*

It's the boom-boom pow.

Boom-boom pow...

*

And we're here.

Where here?

Ladies, we are in the middle
of the most precious place

on earth...

Where the air blows with
self-enlightenment --

(farting)

Ooh, excuse me...Tacos.

Where the air blows
OF self-enlightenment.

Retreat, groundedness, and
the source for the inspiration

to open up an immense
can of whoop-ass.

Um, we knew you were a bitch
and all, but where does this

whole donkey punch and
ninja whore act come from?

Rachel-san my darling, where
do you think I was going

all these years taking my
vacations from the club?

Vegas? San Francisco?

Gay cruises to Greece?

No...

I was training here with my
master, Nam Yo Ho Ren Ge Kyo.

He taught me the ways
of the warrior.

He has now since passed on, but
I continued to come here and

train and bask in the rays
of the gods and their ways.

He's not buried here, is he?

Rachel-san, my darling,
I'm sorry,

but all further questions
must be submitted in writing

Now, wise grasshoppers, you are
about to witness something

that no one has ever seen me do.

I am going to close my eyes...

I'm going to do a triple axle
backflip bunny hop

with a pivot spin with attitude.

I'm going to leap into the
air, grab the fly with these

chopsticks and come down
with a falling leaf, foxtrot,

undermound, undergrip,
split, dismount.

You're gonna do all of that?

Oh yes, wise grasshoppers.

Not only am I going
to do all of that,

I'm going to teach all of
you how to do it as well.

Watch and observe.

*

*

(cheers and applause)

*

*

*

*

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Oh hi.

Okay, did you?

It's okay.
Yeah, I'm alright.

Only when I'm upset.

Okay bye.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

(dog barking)

*

(dog barking)

*

*

That was kinda rude,
don't you think?

Not even a hello there,
a how do you do,

or simple howdy
could have been said?

That's not very
ladylike, now is it?

Oh! That's right...

Maybe that's because there
isn't even a lady in here.

Fuck you!

Tsk...tsk...
Such language.

Justh leave me alone!

What was that?
Wait a minute now.

You have a lisp.

"Justh leave me alone!"

Oh my goodness!

Up yourth!

Now why are you so mad?

I'm just here to say hello
and see how you're doing

after your little accident.

You feeling okay?

And if you even think about
pouring that boiling water

on me, you're gonna get
something even worse

than what you got last time.

How do you know where I live?

Well, 'cause I'm smart.

No, that's not why.

Yeah, I'm smart, but that's
not how I found out.

You see, I heard through
the grapevine that you came

out of your little coma,
so I went a looking for you.

And damn girl,
you are doing better.

Up there on stage, just
a jumping and a dancing around,

having a good ol' time!

Now I got to say, you look
even hotter than ever.

*

What are you doing?

Well, remember the last
time we were together,

you were trying to play
all hard to get.

Remember that?

Leave me alone.

Remember when you tried to
act like you didn't want it,

but you really did?

C'mon, we both know
that you did.

So I had to do what
I had to do to get it.

I did, right?

No matter what happened,
I had to finish the job.

So now I'm back to finish this
job just like I did the other.

It's just how I am.

Basically, I just can't have you
running around all over town

spreading rumors, because people
might actually believe 'em.

And uh...I just can't have that.

*

(screaming)

*

(screaming)

*

*

You just insist on doing
this the hard way, don't ya?

Hey Boner,
hey, she's awake.

You can keep trying...

You ain't getting
away this time.

Because like you,
it's pretty tight.

Chuey, toss me the cards.

Alright...

We're gonna play a little game.

This game is called you're
gonna choose how you die.

See, I just pulled out
three cards from that deck

and every one of those cards
represent something

that Chuey's got in
that bag right there.

So...pick a card.

Why don't you just kill me?

Because it wouldn't be
as much fun now, would it?

Pick a card.

No!

See now, if you were smart,
you'd realize that

one of these cards
is a joker card.

Now if you pick this card,
that means we're just

gonna let you go.

You wouldn't do that.

Well, sure I would.

And why would you do that?

Because it makes
the game more fun.

Can you imagine all
that anticipation?

Ooh is she gonna pick this card?
Ooh is she gonna pick that card?

Yee-haw!

That's excitement.

I don't believe you.

Well, I can't lie.

I might be a lot of things,
but I ain't no liar.

Nope, nope, won't let you go.

But I guess we could give
you a 15 second head start.

Ten, give her ten.

A ten-second head start.

Scout's honor.

Umm...but now that I told you
about the joker card,

I gotta tell you what
the other two cards mean.

That's the catch.

This card is the Ace
of Spades, it's black.

You know what's also black?

A rapper. What rapper?

Well, the one that gave me the
idea for this type of death...

Hammertime!

Now if you pick this card,
you get to get beat to a pulp.

First on places like your
pretty little toes there...

This big long bone
there on your leg.

I don't know what it's called

but I'm gonna take
a crack at that, too.

Then, I'm gonna give you a big,
big wallop right in the chest.

Then I'm gonna work
my way up your spine.

When I'm done with that,
I'm gonna start popping away

every tooth in
your fucking mouth.

After I'm done with that,
I'm gonna knock that nose

plum off your face.

I'm gonna keep on pounding until
all your screams are gone.

The third card!

Queen of Hearts.

Now I thought this card
was quite appropriate

because you stole my heart,

and the queen part, that's
pretty self-explanatory.

Now if you choose this card,
I'm gonna cut out your heart.

I'm going to start by sticking
this through your skin.

I'm gonna get on through to
that thin fatty layer and cut

on through to the meat and
I'm going to keep on digging

until I get to your creamy
little center.

Just like how you are,
sitting there fully aware

of what's going on
the entire time.

Now you can choose to wiggle
around if you want to,

but I wouldn't suggest it.

I imagine it would hurt so much
more than if you just sit there

totally still, but hey,
that's up to you.

So pick a card, Bubbles Cliquot.

And don't forget you can
still pick that joker card,

get that ten-second head start.

So uh...which one will it be?

The first one.

The first one...Let's see
what you didn't pick.

This one was Hammertime.

The other card was...

Oh....the joker.
I'm so sorry.

Alright fellas, hold her down.

Might as well get this over with
before she tries to

make me feel a little bad.

Now I imagine after
the first few slices,

your body will go
numb from shock.

At least you probably won't
feel it as much, I reckon.

*

What the hell?

Boo bitch!

*

*

*

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Hey...We're watching your every
move, we're at your back window.

But you really need to dust.

Oh hi.

Everything's going according to
plan, don't worry, don't panic.

They'll be here soon.

Okay, did you?

Yes, I forgot to lock
the door, don't worry.

See, I told you...

Shut up.

Are you alright?

Yeah, I'm alright.

Well, you sound
so much better.

Only when I'm upset.

She only gets that lisp
when she's upset.

And horny.

But you stay
focused, okay?

Okay bye.

Stay strong, girl.

Bye...We'll see you
in a minute.

You got bronzer all
over my phone, bitch.

Looks like
he's coming to.

Ooh, I wonder if he had
any nocturnal emissions.

It totally sucks
because I would do him

if he wasn't like
a...raper.

Don't remind us.

God, you're hateful.

Shut up.

If I saw you on Facebook,
I'd hit ignore and report you.

What the hell?

What the hell happened?

No, Boner, don't!
Stay down.

I'm gonna kill you bitches.

As nice as that sounds,
you may want to listen

to your Nacho friend.

Don't move, Boner,
don't move!

What's going on?

You boys fell right
into our trap.

What trap?
What happened?

Yeah, what did happen?

I thought you guys
were going to bust in

the second they trapped me.

Oh baby, we did
try to but...

But we couldn't because of you.

Because of me?

Yes, we had everything
strategically planned

but you went and fucked it up
like you always do.

Fucked it up?
What do you mean?

You did.

I did everything we planned.

How did I fuck it up, Rachel?

Well baby, you did
kinda fuck it up.

Please tell me how
this is my fault.

You locked the front door!

Oh, my bad.

Oh, her bad.

What am I supposed to say?

I don't know! How about
I apologize for ruining my own

fucked up revenge psycho fantasy
scheme scenario and I apologize.

Fine! I'm sorry.

Would y'all bitches
just shut the hell up

and tell me what's going on!

ALL:
SHUT UP!

So how did you guys get in?

Oh girl, you left
the window open.

Wide open.

No, I didn't.

Oh shit!

You left the window open?

Why should I have closed it?

I didn't know anybody
was watching us!

Jesus Christ, man, you didn't
think that she would notice

that the window was open?

Can you shut the hell up
and tell us why

our asses are greasy?

It's because you're
Mexican, boo-boo.

But we did put some
extra grease up there.

You bitches raped us?

You know, I've seen plenty of
Treasure Island media videos

that depicted that,
but no, we did not rape you.

Yes, you did! You shoved
things up our asses.

Shut up!

What?

We did put a little
something up your asses.

No, I wouldn't do
that if I were you.

You tell me what you did.

You know those shiny
switchblades that you had?

The ones where you push the
button and the knife retracts?

Well, how do I put this?

They're in your ass!

Well put, Pinky.

Thank you.

So the slightest
movement and...ooh,

that's gonna be
a big pain in the ass.

And not the good kind.

You know, there's a lot of
sensitive muscles in there,

so I suggest you
be very careful.

Don't be practicing
your Kegels today.

Wait a minute...
There were only two knives.

Actually three.

Yours was a hunting knife and
I've got that one in my boot.

So what do you have in my ass?

Ooh, I was hoping
you were gonna ask.

Okay, so you know that cute
little pistol that you got?

It ain't shiny no more
because it's in your ass!

That was my idea!

And the trigger looks
extra sensitive

so any slight move and...POW!

(laughing)

I'm sorry, did Pinky forget
to mention that we pointed

the barrel up towards your head?

She did, it must have slipped
her mind, she's sorry.

So...Here's the T -- what we're
gonna do is see which one of you

can remove your ass plugs
without getting killed

or hurting yourself enough that
you would like to be killed.

Chuey is first.

There's a catch...

I have three cards in my hand
and each one represents the

number of times we're going to
try to make you flinch and tense

those inside muscles without
making your gun go off

or their knife blades
spring out.

The first one...
the Ace of Spades.

Since this is the one you
like to call Hammertime,

we're going to use the hammer
to make you flinch.

The next one?

The Queen of Hearts.

If you choose this one, we get
ten tries to make you flinch.

And with what tool do you ask?

Well, what was it you
were gonna use on me?

Oh that's right,
the hunting knife.

And last but certainly not
least, the joker card.

This one represents you,
baby, 'cause you're a joker.

If you choose this one, we're
going to give you 15 seconds...

Girl no, you're being
generous, give them ten.

Alright, ten seconds to get
the object out of your ass

without any interference
from any one of us.

Oh, y'all are sick.

No, boo-boo,
the term is sickening.

Not sick, sick is just rude.

That is almost the nicest
thing he ever called us though.

Pick a card.

No.

Pick a card!

The middle one.

The Ace of Spades.

What does that mean?

It means that you're gonna...

I mean, that Chuey's
gonna have to...

Fuck this! This is
too complicated!

You shouldn't need
flash cards for murder.

(yelling)

Get down there!

(screaming and crying)

What the fuck?
Now I don't get to stab him!

(crying)

Shut up! You scream
like a woman!

I need a doctor.

Oh, you want a doctor?

Well, shit in one hand
and want in the other

and see what gets full faster.

Ahhh!

Your turn.

(yelling)

*

Your turn.

And now honey, it's your turn.

Please, please...

Shut up!

Por favor...

I don't speak Spanish, honey!

Let me pick...

The Queen of Hearts.

What does that mean?

Ten.

*

No...please...

Oh shut up!

(screaming)

Please, take it out!

Oh, shut up.

Please...please...

This little piggy stayed home.

(screaming)

Please!

(screaming)

(laughing)

Please, please...

Fuck this!

(screaming)

Please take it out!
please take it out!

(screaming)

Please! Take it out!

*

*

Get the knife.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Not today, mother fucker!

*

(screaming)

*

Don't mind me...

You want to treat us
like goddamn tranimals?

You're going to be the animal
now. Crawl! Go get your knife!

Go get your knife!

I'll give you a head start.

It's fair, right?

One...

I don't hear you
getting your knife!

Two... Three...

Oh shit, you make good time.

(groaning)

(neck cracking)

Okay, play.

*

That is unsanitary!

*

*

*

*

*

Oh girl, he's bleeding
on your couch.

I'll kill him for you.

You're bleeding all over
that nice white sofa.

Didn't think I could get
my legs that high, did ya?

*

(yelling)

Anybody move and I put
a bullet in her skull.

*

Chuey, grab the knife.

*

Chuey, grab the knife!

*

Alright...Now we're
gonna finish this

on the count of three,
alright buddy? Ready?

One...

Two...

Three!

*

*

I got it!

Shoot him!

Shoot him, Bubbles!
What are you waiting for?

What the fuck?
Pull the trigger!

She won't do it.

She can't...
Just ain't in her nature.

I mean, look at her,
such a pretty little thing.

You're so insecure.

The kind of gal that only
feels worthy when...

when you're with
a guy like me.

The kind of guy that
treats you like shit.

The kind of guy that
will lie to her.

Be rude and self-centered
because that's all you

think that you deserve.

In some strange way,
you're attracted to me.

You can't kill me
'cause if you could have,

you'd have already done it.

If I were you, I would have
killed me a long ass time ago!

In some strange way, I just
don't think you want to.

Do you?

Boner, you don't know shit!

(gunshot)

*

(gunshot)

*

*

Oh, hell no,
I'm gonna get mine.

*

*

*

*

Do you know what the difference
is between us and them?

BOTH:
No.

Me either.

(laughter)

'Cause we killed them.

I'm hungry.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*