Threshold (2020) - full transcript
"Threshold" is an autobiographical documentary made by a mother who follows the gender transition of her adolescent son: between 2016 and 2019 she interviews him addressing the conflicts, certainties and uncertainties that pervade him in a deep search for his identity. At the same time, the mother, revealed through a first-person narration and by her voice behind the camera that talks to her son, also goes through a process of transformation required by the situation that life presents her with by breaking old paradigms, facing fears and dismantling prejudices.
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THRESHOLD
I always wanted to be a mum
and when I was twenty-three, still in college
I got pregnant for the first time.
At that time I was only concerned
about having a natural birth,
Using a cloth nappy and breastfeeding.
When I was a child I used to hate
having an unusual name
but later I learned to like it
because it remained imprinted in people's memories.
So I wanted to find a name
that was neither so strange
Nor so common.
Attention
XXII Century Free TV Spectators
This is Violeta, who is on her way
to becoming two months old
Adolescence was so far away
I couldn't imagine the magnitude
of the changes that were to come.
But the years passed
and suddenly everything was different
I felt lost,
And I thought filming was the best way
to understand what was happening.
I would like to ask you about
this film we are shooting
What do you think about it?
Oh, I don’t know.
We haven't filmed often,
so I don’t know what I think.
I explained it to you the other day, didn’t I?
What is this that I’m doing, why am I shooting.
What did you understand
from what I explained to you?
You’re kind of studying...
Autobiographical stuff, right?
So you’re doing an interview
It’s about you
and you’re interviewing grandma too,
And me, then we have three generations.
And that's okay with you?
- Being filmed, appear in the movie?
- Yes.
And why did you say that some things
in the other recordings we did,
That you didn’t like it?
I don’t remember anymore.
I think it’s more... I think it’s because...
First of all, I was very ugly
in those recordings.
- No way, you weren't.
Yes, I was.
Secondly, because...
I was going through
very confusing times, I was...
In one of them, I kinda said:
“Oh, I’m non-binary”,
Then again: “No, I’m not non-binary, I’m a man”
Then, in the other one:
“No, I’m not a man, I’m non-binary”. So...
I kinda feel insecure, like:
"Oh, this person doesn’t know
what he’s talking about"
"he keeps changing all the time”
- I see.
Ah...
This was my most beloved book at that time.
I used to love this book.
It’s beautiful, it has amazing pictures.
Look how beautiful it is.
And that’s here where I found your name.
One of the chapters is called Maira-Coraci.
“Maira” means moon, and “Coraci” means sun.
I had just returned from a...
... radical
... Jewish experience...
because I had gone to live in Israel.
I went to study History
in Jerusalem.
But I spent an important period
At a kibbutz.
The Kibbutz was a wonderful experience.
In the 70’s,
Early 70’s, a kibbutz was still a...
Socialist society, almost communist.
Still that Kibutz...
in its original structure,
without private property,
Where everything was decided by the community,
Where everybody worked on the land...
For example, I worked in the corral,
Milked cows at dawn
And when I came back to Brazil
Not immediately after,
But a little later, I met this group,
I was at USP (University of São Paulo),
and I met this group of
Cinema boys and girls.
We were all left-wing people,
We considered ourselves left-wing people,
But no longer that left wing...
We wouldn't take up guns, you know?
We were not in the Communist Party,
We were affiliated to the Workers’ Party...
I think we also had...
A desire to transform...
Beyond politics, the way of life
And we lived in a group, we lived in community.
You were born in a community.
And we experience a lot.
And you experienced, our children
experienced together with us.
The whole period...
In 77, 78 I was at USP.
I was expecting you, I was still
In my early college years, so...
Somehow I think we...
We went...
Deep...
Into the belief that another way
of living was possible.
And although we haven’t,
So as to say, changed the system...
I think we've done
important contributions.
I think...
Your generation has greatly benefited
Of the borders that we have broken through.
To be able to make our choices,
To have values less connected
To money and more connected to achievement.
Doing important things for the world.
To understand...
We went through the end of the dictatorship,
The great demonstrations
At Anhangabaú Valley... I remember you,
At three years old,
going to the “Diretas Já” (pro-election) rallies...
We had you on our shoulders. Here, right?
Because you were very small, in that crowd...
Can you imagine the feeling of that moment?
After twenty years of dictatorship,
Being able to reoccupy the streets.
I keep a fuzzy image of those days.
In fact, I've heard this story so much
That sometimes I wonder if I really remember,
Or if I ended up inventing a memory.
♪ Opens wings that I want to pass♪
♪ I'm a slut, I can't deny it
Thirty-three years later,
It was my turn to take my children to protest.
♪ Opens wings that I want to pass♪
It was the first time I ever shot a march,
The first of many...
♪ Our flame is the fire of revolution♪
It was 2011, the feminism was on fire,
♪ Our fight is every day♪
♪ We are women, not merchandise♪
And I immediately identified myself
with the debauched
And ironic spirit of the SlutWalk
♪ Who is not a sexist jumps♪
♪ It's not about sex, it's about violence!♪
But at that time I couldn't even think
That being a woman was not
a biological determination...
There’s a person here.
A very beautiful one.
There...
For example...
Here’s the genitalia, like
A penis or a vagina, or something like that,
There should exist more, right?
Here is just a part of your body,
Which you were born with or...
What you do with it later, depending...
On you, on your life, on what you’re going to do
But this is not gender, it’s just a part of the body.
Gender is here.
That is where you...
Feel, if you are a woman,
Or a man, or...
Whatever you are.
And here is where the heart is,
which is where you...
Where sexual orientation is, which is
who you are going to be attracted to.
To men, or to women, or to both, or no one.
Or if you don’t care if are a man or a woman,
You only care about the person,
Or if you are only attracted
to a specific person,
who you feel a connection with.
This is all sexual orientation,
Which has absolutely nothing to do with gender.
You may be...
I don't know, a trans lesbian woman,
You can be a lesbian cis woman,
You can be a cis bi woman,
A trans bi woman...
You can be any combination.
One has nothing to do with the other,
absolutely nothing to do with the other.
So those who are trans
suffer from transphobia,
Not homophobia, because they have
absolutely nothing to do...
...these two.
Then there is, for example, I don’t know, your hair,
The clothes you wear...
Whether you wear makeup or not.
All this is...
...the way you express yourself.
But this here...
And this... And this...
There’s nothing to do.
None of these determines this one.
Now I like better some
Masculine stuff because...
Not necessarily because
I don’t like feminine stuff, I like them.
I also like masculine stuff, also...
Now, I’m wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt but...
It’s more a matter of how I’m going to be
Understood around, by the world.
Like, if I wear a dress and makeup,
People will look at me
and they will say: “Ah, you’re a girl”
And I don’t want it.
- And do you have any idea
Why you wouldn’t want people
to see you as a girl on the streets?
Oh, because that’s not who I am, like...
I don’t have... It’s not that...
"Wow, I don’t want to be a girl,
being a girl is bad and stuff"
It’s not that.
It’s too bad, because
people get confused, like
“Oh, you’re anti-feminist"
"And you think being a girl is bad"
"...so you don’t want to be a girl.”
Like, it has nothing to do with it.
It’s not that I don’t want to be a girl, I’m not,
So it bothers me when people...
Look at me...
And talk... And they think that I am...
I don’t know...
- And do you have any idea of what you are?
I don’t know. I really don’t know,
it’s a very big issue, in my life, in fact.
I studied literature,
I was a dancer,
I tried to play the saxophone,
I wanted to live in Mozambique.
I had many doubts in life,
But it never crossed my mind
to question whether or not I was a woman.
What? Is it hot?
It's hot.
Let me open it a little bit.
What a messy bath!
Now it's chillier, look
Wow, now it’s too cold.
It’s too cold...
Is it too cold?
It is.
Hey, this shower is crazy.
No, I don’t want it.
Why is it coming off the top?
It's not too cold now
- There's a fold there at...
- There’s a fold at the outlet, you see?
Ah...
- Violeta! Do you know what time is?
- What?
- What Is it?
What is it?
It's when... Time is...
It is when time passes.
- And the birthday?
When it’s my birthday, it's time, too.
- How old are you turning?
- Three?
- And then?
Seven!
- And then?
Nine!
- And then?
Six!
I'm going to get big!
- How big?
- That big?
- Is it too big?
- Was your bath warm?
Yeah!
♪ How can a living fish
♪ Live out of cold water?
♪ How will I be able to live?
♪ How will I be able?
Show that thing with me
in mommy's lap!
Shows!
Look at me over there! - You.
And me...
The two of us, right?
The two of us! And...?
What about Julio?
Let's look in the mirror? Everyone?
Let’s go.
Look...
Hey, come here.
look, dear, in the mirror.
Everybody together.
- An idea that was in my imagination...
- Since I was a kid you used to talk about this
- I've heard a lot about open marriages
That were part of this questioning of the family
that you were telling me about...
Yeah, we did this experiment.
Of having open marriages, right?
We strongly believed in that idea of
"Love and let love”.
That jealousy was a selfish feeling...
That we could have...
Another experience
A loving experience...
in which the other was not
your property, so as to say.
And we were also marked
by previous generations,
Like Simone de Beauvoir,
Who said that the official marriage,
Formalizing marriage, signing a sheet,
It was like bureaucratizing love.
But the experience was tough,
Because we realized that,
In fact, jealousy existed
And that, in fact, it wasn't easy
to see your partner with another woman...
And we quickly realized that,
Sometimes, human beings are not
what we want them to be, right?
A lot has changed in that time...
My student life was over,
I ended a marriage,
I got pregnant again, got married again,
I gave up the Dance for good
and started working with cinema
In a short time my life was another one.
And I wanted to bring a little detail,
An element from my Jewish tradition.
And wish you good luck.
And the Jewish way
of saying good luck is “Mazeltov”.
And there’s a way
To toast to this good luck.
So, Julio, please...
Break the glass, please.
No, on the floor.
Step on it!
Really hard, really hard!
Come on, Julio, hey! Push it!
- But you know that your grandparents,
Grandma Lena and Grandpa Adilson, when I was born...
Well, they came from a generation
where their parents, the women were
Like, housewives, most of them,
Very traditional families, you know?
And they didn’t like it,
they were questioning it all.
And the way they found back then,
in their hippie communities, to do so...
It was the open marriage.
Then, Ju and I...
We married, we have this...
We married “by the book”.
A man and a woman, getting married,
we decided to get married at the registry office,
Doing everything that...
(I’m looking at you through the lens).
Doing all that, at first,
seems pretty traditional.
But we never really identified with
The super-traditional marriage, too.
We have always had a relationship
in which we hook up with other people.
Really? I didn’t know that.
- With other women, together.
You?
Do you hook up with women? Really?
What are you?
I thought you were straight as hell!
- No, I’m bi.
I didn’t know, why didn’t you tell me these things?
- Well, I’m telling you now. I thought you were
too complicated with your own stuff
- For me to tell you mother stuff.
I didn’t know that, that’s cool!
- I also think we can live this up
and not talk about it a lot, right?
- It’s a decision, like...
- It’s serious, right? Making a movie
where I’m going to talk about it,
Then people will watch it...
And we won’t..
Oh, nothing is a secret,
but I never went out yelling about that, right?
But I have realized that it is important,
Exactly because of what you were
talking about. I think it’s important...
For us to talk about
these things so they can become
Natural, accepted by society.
We have been seeing so many
bad things happening nowadays
Many of these rights..
On one hand I think in the society
we are starting to get more openness.
But the laws are moving back a lot,
There are many conservative people
all around, a lot of violence
♪ Olê olê olê olê ♪
♪ Out (president) Temer ♪
♪ Olê olê olê olê ♪
♪ Out (president) Temer ♪
I decided to do this film in 2016.
The coup against Dilma was on the move
And the nerves in full bloom.
My work led me to shoot a lot of protests.
I have experienced that closely and intensively.
♪ (president) Temer will win
♪ A way out of this place
♪ Not by car, not by train, not by plane
♪ Is shackled in the police van
♪ Out (president) Temer
A conservative wave
was growing before our eyes...
♪ Scammers, fascists, will not pass
The press revered the
"beautiful, modest and domestic" woman,
And I was more and more willing to confront them.
♪ (president) Temer, asshole,
your government is temporary
I had never before felt so much urge
to say who I was,
To take one side.
♪ Oh, oh, oh, if I push (president) Temer falls!
I decided to make this film because I wanted
to get into the dispute over the idea of family,
Women, sexuality, gender.
♪ The gay, the bi, the trans and the dyke
♪ Are on the march to make revolution
In my first pregnancy, with Andy, I had a dream:
The baby was born, it was a boy and
he said he wanted to be called Martin.
A few weeks later I did an ultrasound
that indicated: it's a girl.
We believed it, chose another name,
and I forgot the dream.
When Martí was born,
I didn't know what to name him.
We had made a trip to Cuba,
and Julio wanted very much
to pay tribute to Jose Martí,
the great revolutionary poet.
This is Martí,
Who has today 7,35 kilos,
and sixty-two centimeters...
At three months and a week.
Look, son, look there.
- Say something, son!
Look at the camera!
Only many years later I remembered that dream
And realized the enormous coincidence.
- Finished?
Yes.
- How did you come up with this song?
At random.
- Were you testing?
Yeah.
- Martí?
- Can I ask you to explain something to me?
- What happened to your brother
in the last few months?
I don’t know!
- Is there any difference?
What, about Violeta becoming Andre?
- Yeah́.
Hum, what’s that about?
- Explain to me what happened,
how did you see it happening.
Violeta... André... Violeta. André.
- Wait, again, again.
Violeta... André...
- Is this André?
This Is André.
- Is there any difference between them?
André is cooler.
- Do you remember when
we had that conversation?
- No?
No.
A few months ago...
- A few months ago, right?
Then, that time there
Although it hasn't been too long
Everything was different, right?
For you, I guess.
So explain what has changed
from then on.
After I've spent almost a year
thinking about it
By the end of last year, 2016,
I sort of understood what my gender is.
- And what is it?
I am a boy.
- And how did you come to that conclusion?
Do you know how to explain?
I don’t know how to explain.
It’s because, like...
I think I, kind of...
I kind of knew it, but
I thought I couldn’t be,
because like,
I’m not a very masculine person, right?
I'm very feminine indeed.
So I kept thinking that, because of that,
I don’t know, I could not be...
And because it’s not something
I’ve always known
Since childhood and such.
I see these stories, everyone says that,
"Since I was a child, I already wanted
to wear boy’s things" and...
One has always known...
always wanted to be a boy.
But for me it was much more subtle. So I thought...
As if I wasn't allowed to think that
Maybe I was a boy. Then, I
I thought "No, that's bullshit".
"I don't have to follow any rules to be anything".
And then, I was thinking,
I don't know how to explain it properly,
but I've come to this conclusion.
- I understood. And what's it like to be a boy?
Ah, don't ask that, don't.
I don't know how to explain.
This is very subjective. There is no way
to explain what it is to be a boy.
- I understood. And what is it to be female boy?
I mean to say I am not a macho man
I like more "feminine" things
- But then, in this case, could you not be a girl
who is not very feminine?
No, because, somewhat
Because it really bothers me when a person...
calls me by the other name,
or say that I'm a girl,
or uses a female pronoun for me and such.
And I could not imagine myself
Living as a girl in the future
I could not imagine myself as a woman.
And to be seen as a woman.
- What is it to live like a woman?
To live as a woman I mean...
basically is to be seen in society as a woman.
But you do not know how to explain because...
- Because for me it is funny to understand
What is so...
...problematic in being a woman.
It is not problematic to be a woman.
it's problematic for me
to try to be something I'm not.
And people see me
as something I'm not.
I don't know how to explain
I think there is no way for you
to understand, as a cis person
- Got it.
Sometimes I thought I should just accept,
Sometimes I thought I should challenge...
It's not easy knowing how best
to handle a process like this.
But I never wanted to be this mother who keeps doubting,
Who doesn't trust,
who doesn't understand.
I always wanted to at least try to understand.
About my family?
I think my mom,
She felt...
A mix of admiration,
Because we led a very free lifestyle
And I think she understood that
She admired that...
She has always had so many ties in her marriages.
She had to fulfill that role
of a traditional woman...
And she realized
how free we were, right?
And we set out to be free.
So, on the one hand,
I think she felt admiration.
And I think on the other hand she felt concerns.
Because she was very afraid of
where all this was going to go.
And I was not
...that nice with my family either.
I was quite aggressive,
I stood up for my way of life...
And I didn’t allow them
To come much...
...into our world.
So, maybe they were even a little afraid
of saying anything.
I was very aggressive.
I was difficult, so as to say.
I was difficult to my mom, poor thing....
Nowadays, as I’m over 60
I can now better understand it.
Understand her silence,
Taking a backseat...
But I also understand that it was hard for her.
To have a daughter so different from her.
As they say, a child falling away from the tree...
I was the daughter away from the tree.
Deep down I have always admired people
who come out of a conservative family
And manage to reinvent themselves,
Create freer ways of living.
I am lucky, my parents did that before me.
Maybe that's why, at the same time that it was
sometimes difficult to deal with Andy's process,
I also admired his movement.
I created a character who was Andy,
He was a gay boy
One of the characters in a story I had
And when I was planning
what his story would be, I'd end up
making him look like
I would if I was a boy, basically
I kind of ended up accidentally
Making him have the same interests as me
The same kind of personality, those things
And so I thought "Wow, am I drawing myself?"
And I also think it suits me.
And then I said, "Yeah, I like that name"
"...to refer to me".
- Got it. And why did you think I wouldn't like it?
Cause you guys keep talking
"Ah, it's American, gringo name..."
"You only hear gringo music..."
"Blablabla..."
To detach myself from the name
I had chosen so carefully
Was one of the most difficult things.
How cool, did it stick?
Me too!
Don't I look like you?
It was in my memory of pregnancy,
The cloth diapers, the first steps,
The first words.
The sleepless nights,
the games in the park,
The endless baths, the holiday trips.
That name was not just a name,
What were you going to tell, dear?
I drew two flowers,
one lion, one dog,
two mountains, one house...
It was a story.
In 2017, it was Andy's turn to take me on a walk.
Above all, when they attack us with hatred
We give out love!
♪ Prepare yourself, prepare yourself,
That faggots are revolutionary
Six years after the SlutWalk,
Other bodies occupied the same streets.
Diversity cried out its colors.
♪ Oh how nice it would be
♪ If the school fought homophobia
♪ Oh how nice it would be
♪ If the school fought homophobia
♪ The bi, the gay, the trans and the dyke
♪ Are on the march to make revolution
♪ The bi, the gay, the trans and the dyke
♪ Are on the march to make revolution
Transfeminism.
Black feminism.
Queer feminism.
Intersectional feminism.
LGBTQI+
The movement I saw there had many names.
I remember, after assuming myself as a trans boy,
the first time I went out with friends.
I got there
And the first thing one
of the boys said was...
I went to greet people
And the first thing one of the boys,
David, did was to say: "Ah..."
He slapped like that... and he said:
“Now we have to say hello like a man, right?”
And stuff... And I, like...
Then they started treating me
like that and I felt:
“OK, but I don’t.... "
"What? What’s happening?
I don’t want it that way either”
Then I began to feel uncomfortable as...
Like, being seen and living like a boy.
But, at the same time...
It was also very uncomfortable
living, being seen as a girl.
And I’m feeling much better
And with much less doubts
by defining myself as non-binary
and gender queer than
trying to be a girl or a boy.
And I think this generation of...
Of my grandchildren...
Is also a radical generation
Is also a generation that is
willing to break boundaries
Trying things
And they're experimenting
with this gender thing
It's not because I was born a girl
That I need... like pink and
Be a girl... all female..
No, I can try on... oh! Put on a man's outfit,
See how I feel.
I think it's cool...
But I don't know...
Sometimes I get a little scared
because...
What scares me is when I see some girls
start taking hormone...
start to...
When I see body tampering experiments
It scares me a little, you know?
The desire to be who you are
I think is cool, you know?
If I was born in a woman's body
But I feel like a man
I feel like I'm a man
I think it's okay
I find it normal
But mutilation of the body
is still a difficult idea for me.
But I can accept, I can accept, I think.
If a person feels better that way,
if they're up for it, right?
I think it might cause me some pain to think
About the muti...
The changing of the body in that sense.
But maybe for these people
it's not a mutilation as I'm calling it.
Maybe for these people it's a relief,
“Thank god, I don't want those breasts"
"I don't feel I'm a person who has breasts"
Or a boy: "oh, I don't..."
"I don't feel good having a phallus”
Then fine, I'll never criticize.
But personally it gives me
a certain affliction
Of who does this passage.
For my mother the idea of "being natural"
Had been an important dimension
of the transgressive attitude.
The naked body, free sex,
Organic food, community life...
All of this was part
of the counter-culture movement
Her generation undertook.
I'm a little bit like that too.
For me the birth control pill
has always been a poison,
And accepting my body has always been a quest.
And then comes a new generation
And turns everything upside down...
The goal was not to portray this,
but it is a character created
To be somewhat androgen, like...
Whose gender you could not tell that much
There’s a trans man.
Who I painted...
That the trans flag is blue and pink and white.
So I... Like, this was the first time
I drew a picture that has to do with this.
That kind... I don’t know... has the stripes here.
But I think I’m going to get
my most current notebook,
Since it has more stuff about it.
You asked me the other day, right?
and I said I was surprised that there are
so many people who
really identify themselves as men or women...
With so many ways that people can be,
I am surprised that there are so many people
who are male or female, with binary genders.
This here is a trans person,
I do not know well if he is
a man or if he is non-binary
You're not filming me anymore?
I'm trying to make a shot
that goes from me to you.
But from down there?
Yeah. Paint it,
I'm just gonna do this test.
For a while I lived a kind of grief over the name.
So I decided to plan a ritual:
I wanted to have a party with the whole family,
the day Andy formalized
the new name at the notary's office.
I wrote a speech to read that day,
A farewell letter for the name I had chosen.
But I never did any of that,
Because when I put it all down on paper,
The feeling was gone.
It' s still looking unfinished
- Andy, you told me
the other day that you wanted...
Do one more interview.
I thought it was nice, because
it was the first time you'd ever said it.
It wasn't me who called you.
And then I want to know...
The last time we talked,
I don't know if you remember
You had more or less recently
Assumed the name "Andy"
You had that purple hair
And that was one day we went to
a demonstration afterwards, remember?
At night, downtown, and I was filming...
More or less.
- And then I think you called me
because from that day until today
Something's changed, huh?
I think so...
- About how you understand your gender...
How are you seeing yourself these days?
I'm seeing myself
as a non-binary person, but like
Considering a spectrum
Between neutral and male
Such as: female, neutral, male
I'd be in neutral, but more drawn to male
But I'm also caring less about
Naming and shaping exactly what it is
I'm trying to, kind of...
I don't care so much anymore...
...to label it.
- One thing I want to ask you,
it was something that appeared quite recently...
You’ve been telling me a lot about
medical body changes.
What do you feel about it?
I feel that...
Surgery, you know, here,
I want to do...
I’m pretty sure about this, because
I’ve been thinking about it for two years,
and I decided that I want to do it
and kind of do it as soon as possible.
Because it’s really a part of my body that I...
It’s not that I hate it,
but I’ll be better off without it.
I’ll feel better and I’ll be able
to live my life better without it.
And I’ll feel much more “myself”.
So I wanted to do this as soon as possible.
And I want to... I’m still thinking.
And I’m sure I want to do the hormone treatment.
But I don’t know if I want to do it, like, for life
Or just for a few months,
until I get more androgen.
I’m not quite sure about it,
what I’m pretty sure about,
is about the surgery.
- But a surgery like that is...
Yeah, but that’s what I’m thinking.
- There’s no turning back, right?
Yeah, but that’s what I’ve been thinking
pretty much every day for two years.
This is what I’m pretty sure I want.
But did you ever think that...
This feeling may change over time?
No, it won’t.
- When adolescence is over...
and adult life comes in... other issues
may arise, this could change...
What issues, for example?
- Other issues of life or a transformation
Of your own feeling towards your body.
- No, no.
No, this I’m absolutely sure about,
that’s really what I want.
- I see.
Well, anyway, there’s time, right?
To turn eighteen, which is near...
“Near...”
- I personally think that...
It is not bad at all to wait a bit and
wait for these procedures to happen for you.
I can’t be sure.
You’re sure you won’t regret it,
but I can’t be sure.
Ah, I’ve been waiting for that for so long,
I’ve been waiting every day.
- I see...
But for me, for my generation,
This is still something that we have a lot of...
Even those who, like me, don’t think
this is absurd
There are still many contradictions
inside me, I think.
Yeah, but I’m the one who has to know that, right?
- Oh yes. Well, but you have to be of age to do it,
so I don’t have to sign this paper.
Yeah.
- Because I can’t,
Inside of me, I just can’t...
If you come of age and do it,
That’s okay, I’ll support you, no problem.
But being responsible for signing this paper
and authorizing you...
There’s no way I’ll feel secure.
I am dying of fear of doing this.
I am dying of fear of repenting
for having done this.
Or of you repenting and accusing me
of having allowed you
to do it being so young,
such a permanent thing...
I do not have the courage of signing this paper...
Knowing you, your story...
I do not think I am entitled to, do you understand?
For this reason I prefer you
to be 18 years old and
If you really do it,
if you go after it and get it,
You are going to have my whole support, as always
to do and to recover, everything...
But I am incapable of signing a paper
authorizing you to do this.
I am not able to, this way,
I am not able to have so much certainty as you
That you are going to think the same way
you think nowadays for the rest of your life.
It is that you also do not feel what I feel.
- I do not feel what you feel but on the other hand
I was a teenager once and I'm no longer,
and I know how these things are...
How we change throughout life...
Over time I found myself in a dilemma.
I wondered if it wasn't irresponsible,
If it wasn't a mistake to prolong
Andy's suffering with his body.
I know what it's like
to be uncomfortable with my body.
I think everyone feels that way
at some point in life.
But I have no idea what it's like
not to support my own body.
The victory of the extreme right in the 2018 election
was a shock, a nightmare,
A mixture of panic and total incredulity.
How much racism, machism, misogyny.
Homophobia and transphobia terrified me.
But we can't surrender to fear.
Nor run away, nor hide.
There's no turning back.
There's too many of us and we want more.
More freedom.
More joy.
More rights.
More love.
Since the last election
I have often received a message that says:
“No one let go of anyone’s hand”
This film is a way of holding hands
To Andy, but also
For all those who share precariousness
And who, with fear or courage,
swim against the tide.
This movie is a way of saying:
"We're together".
- Andy, say "hello, hello."
Hello, Hello.
- Again.
Hello, Hello.
How is the drawing you were
going to show me?
It’s a drawing I made that’s kind of like me,
How I want to be, like that.
Except that it is well stylized,
It is not realistic at all.
- Let me see it.
And it’s not colored yet.
Wait... I don’t know if the ink is going to run.
- Don’t turn it completely,
just open it, keep the page upright.
- What do you identify yourself with in it?
Oh, not to mention the style, which is how I dress,
How the look that I like is...
It is a more masculine way, with the beard,
Here, stretch, too and...
The face, you can’t see it because it’s stylized,
but more masculine type and stuff...
It is a goal, sort of.
- Then, tell me, what’s about to happen?
I’ll soon start the hormonal treatment
with testosterone
To do the physical transition.
- So, how are you feeling?
I’m very excited about that, I’m very happy.
Did you notice that I changed my mind?
Yeah, you weren't willing
to allow it before, were you?
You weren't willing to sign a piece of paper
that would allow me to do so,
That this was your responsibility, right?
You were afraid I'd regret it
and put the blame on you.
- And why do you think I changed my mind?
I think it's because you've seen that
I've wanted this for a long time and
I haven't changed my mind so far,
so it's not a decision...
You told me that, right?
It's not a decision I made out
of nothing, without thinking
And because I' m doing the treatment
at the Unicamp Gender Psychiatry Clinic
Since the beggining of the year...
So I've been doing all the procedures
with professionals and such
Then it's all safe and proper
And you must also have understood
how important it is for me to do that
- I told you the other day that,
although I’m going to sign,
I still feel a little insecure, right?
Aha.
- I have some fears.
What have you understood about my fears?
That you think I might someday think that...
I didn’t have to make a physical transition
To live like myself.
Is this it, basically?
Yeah, that, too. Or that you would regret it.
But I don’t think it’s going to happen,
I don’t think so.
- And what do you think
of me having these fears?
It bothers me a little bit, but also...
Oh, I think it’s normal.
That you feel insecure about it,
Especially because you’re signing
a paper and I’m quite young
I think it’s normal for you to feel this way,
even though I feel kind of...
I don’t know...
But...
Oh, you’re not stopping me from doing that, right?
You are quite respecting what́...
I’m choosing to do, and that I’m taking
responsibility for it and that I...
Although I’m only seventeen years old.
I can already know what I want.
At least in relation to that.
And that’s it.
- I think today is going to be
the last recording
Are not you going to record me months
into the testosterone treatment?
- In relation to my PhD I don't think so...
not specifically for this film because...
Because I have to finish it
and present my doctoral thesis...
Ok.
And I decided that at least this
Expectation of yours and this moment
of opening to a new phase
Will be the end of the movie
and the beginning of other things.
I think the film is more about the process
that led you to get up to this point.
And not the process looking forward.
First of all, show the paper to the camera
Why are there two of them?
Because I'm underage.
So there's a consent form,
Which is what you're going to sign...
That my mother will sign.
And this is the term of assent,
I don't quite know what that means
But it's just to say that I also know everything
On the first two sheets they explain
The effects testosterone has on the body
Which are permanent and which are reversible
If I stop taking it, what will stay forever
and what will come back as it was before...
What are the risks...
What people say are risks but are not.
For example people say that
it can increase your risk of cancer.
But it says that's not true, for instance.
Says what I can't do
and that I have to agree
to carry out physical
and mental health monitoring
So I have to go to the psychologist,
and I have to go and do some checkups
to see if everything's okay
if my body is reacting well.
And at the end there's the signature field.
If you are of legal age,
or if it should be the parents.
- Hold the camera for me, please.
Don’t put the date, because
maybe it needs to be Friday.
- You can hold it like this,
you don't need to hold here.
You can hold it like this, and just stand still.
How can I be sure I’m still?
What? What if I tremble?
If I kind of move, like this?
- Then, there’s nothing to do, right?
I’m going to sign your paper, huh?
Especially for you and for the movie.
Hold it here.
- Is this the document you were
expecting the most?
The document is the prescription, right?
But...
Yes, basically.
Thanks!
You’re happy, eh?
I’m so happy! I want to...
to see the changes I’m going to go through...
how will my voice be, how will my face be.
It’s going to be very cool!
The only problem is that it takes
a few months, but it’s
cool that you can see the changes
little by little, noticing them.
Are you filming me, I don’t know
what I’m supposed to do.
In 2019 Andy decided on a new name: Noah.
In 2020, he entered university to study Visual Arts.
My name is Andrei and this is my voice
right after the first dose of testosterone.
My name is Andrei and this is my voice
one month on testosterone.
Nothing has changed yet...
My name is Andrei and this is my voice
two months on testosterone.
Hi, I'm Andrei and this is my voice
three months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
four months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
five months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
six months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
seven months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
eight months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
nine months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
ten months on testosterone.
In 2 months, May 24,
I'll complete one year taking hormone therapy.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
Eleven months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
one year on testosterone.
Actually, it was 2 days ago
But I forgot to record, so:
One year and two days.
That's it!
---
THRESHOLD
I always wanted to be a mum
and when I was twenty-three, still in college
I got pregnant for the first time.
At that time I was only concerned
about having a natural birth,
Using a cloth nappy and breastfeeding.
When I was a child I used to hate
having an unusual name
but later I learned to like it
because it remained imprinted in people's memories.
So I wanted to find a name
that was neither so strange
Nor so common.
Attention
XXII Century Free TV Spectators
This is Violeta, who is on her way
to becoming two months old
Adolescence was so far away
I couldn't imagine the magnitude
of the changes that were to come.
But the years passed
and suddenly everything was different
I felt lost,
And I thought filming was the best way
to understand what was happening.
I would like to ask you about
this film we are shooting
What do you think about it?
Oh, I don’t know.
We haven't filmed often,
so I don’t know what I think.
I explained it to you the other day, didn’t I?
What is this that I’m doing, why am I shooting.
What did you understand
from what I explained to you?
You’re kind of studying...
Autobiographical stuff, right?
So you’re doing an interview
It’s about you
and you’re interviewing grandma too,
And me, then we have three generations.
And that's okay with you?
- Being filmed, appear in the movie?
- Yes.
And why did you say that some things
in the other recordings we did,
That you didn’t like it?
I don’t remember anymore.
I think it’s more... I think it’s because...
First of all, I was very ugly
in those recordings.
- No way, you weren't.
Yes, I was.
Secondly, because...
I was going through
very confusing times, I was...
In one of them, I kinda said:
“Oh, I’m non-binary”,
Then again: “No, I’m not non-binary, I’m a man”
Then, in the other one:
“No, I’m not a man, I’m non-binary”. So...
I kinda feel insecure, like:
"Oh, this person doesn’t know
what he’s talking about"
"he keeps changing all the time”
- I see.
Ah...
This was my most beloved book at that time.
I used to love this book.
It’s beautiful, it has amazing pictures.
Look how beautiful it is.
And that’s here where I found your name.
One of the chapters is called Maira-Coraci.
“Maira” means moon, and “Coraci” means sun.
I had just returned from a...
... radical
... Jewish experience...
because I had gone to live in Israel.
I went to study History
in Jerusalem.
But I spent an important period
At a kibbutz.
The Kibbutz was a wonderful experience.
In the 70’s,
Early 70’s, a kibbutz was still a...
Socialist society, almost communist.
Still that Kibutz...
in its original structure,
without private property,
Where everything was decided by the community,
Where everybody worked on the land...
For example, I worked in the corral,
Milked cows at dawn
And when I came back to Brazil
Not immediately after,
But a little later, I met this group,
I was at USP (University of São Paulo),
and I met this group of
Cinema boys and girls.
We were all left-wing people,
We considered ourselves left-wing people,
But no longer that left wing...
We wouldn't take up guns, you know?
We were not in the Communist Party,
We were affiliated to the Workers’ Party...
I think we also had...
A desire to transform...
Beyond politics, the way of life
And we lived in a group, we lived in community.
You were born in a community.
And we experience a lot.
And you experienced, our children
experienced together with us.
The whole period...
In 77, 78 I was at USP.
I was expecting you, I was still
In my early college years, so...
Somehow I think we...
We went...
Deep...
Into the belief that another way
of living was possible.
And although we haven’t,
So as to say, changed the system...
I think we've done
important contributions.
I think...
Your generation has greatly benefited
Of the borders that we have broken through.
To be able to make our choices,
To have values less connected
To money and more connected to achievement.
Doing important things for the world.
To understand...
We went through the end of the dictatorship,
The great demonstrations
At Anhangabaú Valley... I remember you,
At three years old,
going to the “Diretas Já” (pro-election) rallies...
We had you on our shoulders. Here, right?
Because you were very small, in that crowd...
Can you imagine the feeling of that moment?
After twenty years of dictatorship,
Being able to reoccupy the streets.
I keep a fuzzy image of those days.
In fact, I've heard this story so much
That sometimes I wonder if I really remember,
Or if I ended up inventing a memory.
♪ Opens wings that I want to pass♪
♪ I'm a slut, I can't deny it
Thirty-three years later,
It was my turn to take my children to protest.
♪ Opens wings that I want to pass♪
It was the first time I ever shot a march,
The first of many...
♪ Our flame is the fire of revolution♪
It was 2011, the feminism was on fire,
♪ Our fight is every day♪
♪ We are women, not merchandise♪
And I immediately identified myself
with the debauched
And ironic spirit of the SlutWalk
♪ Who is not a sexist jumps♪
♪ It's not about sex, it's about violence!♪
But at that time I couldn't even think
That being a woman was not
a biological determination...
There’s a person here.
A very beautiful one.
There...
For example...
Here’s the genitalia, like
A penis or a vagina, or something like that,
There should exist more, right?
Here is just a part of your body,
Which you were born with or...
What you do with it later, depending...
On you, on your life, on what you’re going to do
But this is not gender, it’s just a part of the body.
Gender is here.
That is where you...
Feel, if you are a woman,
Or a man, or...
Whatever you are.
And here is where the heart is,
which is where you...
Where sexual orientation is, which is
who you are going to be attracted to.
To men, or to women, or to both, or no one.
Or if you don’t care if are a man or a woman,
You only care about the person,
Or if you are only attracted
to a specific person,
who you feel a connection with.
This is all sexual orientation,
Which has absolutely nothing to do with gender.
You may be...
I don't know, a trans lesbian woman,
You can be a lesbian cis woman,
You can be a cis bi woman,
A trans bi woman...
You can be any combination.
One has nothing to do with the other,
absolutely nothing to do with the other.
So those who are trans
suffer from transphobia,
Not homophobia, because they have
absolutely nothing to do...
...these two.
Then there is, for example, I don’t know, your hair,
The clothes you wear...
Whether you wear makeup or not.
All this is...
...the way you express yourself.
But this here...
And this... And this...
There’s nothing to do.
None of these determines this one.
Now I like better some
Masculine stuff because...
Not necessarily because
I don’t like feminine stuff, I like them.
I also like masculine stuff, also...
Now, I’m wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt but...
It’s more a matter of how I’m going to be
Understood around, by the world.
Like, if I wear a dress and makeup,
People will look at me
and they will say: “Ah, you’re a girl”
And I don’t want it.
- And do you have any idea
Why you wouldn’t want people
to see you as a girl on the streets?
Oh, because that’s not who I am, like...
I don’t have... It’s not that...
"Wow, I don’t want to be a girl,
being a girl is bad and stuff"
It’s not that.
It’s too bad, because
people get confused, like
“Oh, you’re anti-feminist"
"And you think being a girl is bad"
"...so you don’t want to be a girl.”
Like, it has nothing to do with it.
It’s not that I don’t want to be a girl, I’m not,
So it bothers me when people...
Look at me...
And talk... And they think that I am...
I don’t know...
- And do you have any idea of what you are?
I don’t know. I really don’t know,
it’s a very big issue, in my life, in fact.
I studied literature,
I was a dancer,
I tried to play the saxophone,
I wanted to live in Mozambique.
I had many doubts in life,
But it never crossed my mind
to question whether or not I was a woman.
What? Is it hot?
It's hot.
Let me open it a little bit.
What a messy bath!
Now it's chillier, look
Wow, now it’s too cold.
It’s too cold...
Is it too cold?
It is.
Hey, this shower is crazy.
No, I don’t want it.
Why is it coming off the top?
It's not too cold now
- There's a fold there at...
- There’s a fold at the outlet, you see?
Ah...
- Violeta! Do you know what time is?
- What?
- What Is it?
What is it?
It's when... Time is...
It is when time passes.
- And the birthday?
When it’s my birthday, it's time, too.
- How old are you turning?
- Three?
- And then?
Seven!
- And then?
Nine!
- And then?
Six!
I'm going to get big!
- How big?
- That big?
- Is it too big?
- Was your bath warm?
Yeah!
♪ How can a living fish
♪ Live out of cold water?
♪ How will I be able to live?
♪ How will I be able?
Show that thing with me
in mommy's lap!
Shows!
Look at me over there! - You.
And me...
The two of us, right?
The two of us! And...?
What about Julio?
Let's look in the mirror? Everyone?
Let’s go.
Look...
Hey, come here.
look, dear, in the mirror.
Everybody together.
- An idea that was in my imagination...
- Since I was a kid you used to talk about this
- I've heard a lot about open marriages
That were part of this questioning of the family
that you were telling me about...
Yeah, we did this experiment.
Of having open marriages, right?
We strongly believed in that idea of
"Love and let love”.
That jealousy was a selfish feeling...
That we could have...
Another experience
A loving experience...
in which the other was not
your property, so as to say.
And we were also marked
by previous generations,
Like Simone de Beauvoir,
Who said that the official marriage,
Formalizing marriage, signing a sheet,
It was like bureaucratizing love.
But the experience was tough,
Because we realized that,
In fact, jealousy existed
And that, in fact, it wasn't easy
to see your partner with another woman...
And we quickly realized that,
Sometimes, human beings are not
what we want them to be, right?
A lot has changed in that time...
My student life was over,
I ended a marriage,
I got pregnant again, got married again,
I gave up the Dance for good
and started working with cinema
In a short time my life was another one.
And I wanted to bring a little detail,
An element from my Jewish tradition.
And wish you good luck.
And the Jewish way
of saying good luck is “Mazeltov”.
And there’s a way
To toast to this good luck.
So, Julio, please...
Break the glass, please.
No, on the floor.
Step on it!
Really hard, really hard!
Come on, Julio, hey! Push it!
- But you know that your grandparents,
Grandma Lena and Grandpa Adilson, when I was born...
Well, they came from a generation
where their parents, the women were
Like, housewives, most of them,
Very traditional families, you know?
And they didn’t like it,
they were questioning it all.
And the way they found back then,
in their hippie communities, to do so...
It was the open marriage.
Then, Ju and I...
We married, we have this...
We married “by the book”.
A man and a woman, getting married,
we decided to get married at the registry office,
Doing everything that...
(I’m looking at you through the lens).
Doing all that, at first,
seems pretty traditional.
But we never really identified with
The super-traditional marriage, too.
We have always had a relationship
in which we hook up with other people.
Really? I didn’t know that.
- With other women, together.
You?
Do you hook up with women? Really?
What are you?
I thought you were straight as hell!
- No, I’m bi.
I didn’t know, why didn’t you tell me these things?
- Well, I’m telling you now. I thought you were
too complicated with your own stuff
- For me to tell you mother stuff.
I didn’t know that, that’s cool!
- I also think we can live this up
and not talk about it a lot, right?
- It’s a decision, like...
- It’s serious, right? Making a movie
where I’m going to talk about it,
Then people will watch it...
And we won’t..
Oh, nothing is a secret,
but I never went out yelling about that, right?
But I have realized that it is important,
Exactly because of what you were
talking about. I think it’s important...
For us to talk about
these things so they can become
Natural, accepted by society.
We have been seeing so many
bad things happening nowadays
Many of these rights..
On one hand I think in the society
we are starting to get more openness.
But the laws are moving back a lot,
There are many conservative people
all around, a lot of violence
♪ Olê olê olê olê ♪
♪ Out (president) Temer ♪
♪ Olê olê olê olê ♪
♪ Out (president) Temer ♪
I decided to do this film in 2016.
The coup against Dilma was on the move
And the nerves in full bloom.
My work led me to shoot a lot of protests.
I have experienced that closely and intensively.
♪ (president) Temer will win
♪ A way out of this place
♪ Not by car, not by train, not by plane
♪ Is shackled in the police van
♪ Out (president) Temer
A conservative wave
was growing before our eyes...
♪ Scammers, fascists, will not pass
The press revered the
"beautiful, modest and domestic" woman,
And I was more and more willing to confront them.
♪ (president) Temer, asshole,
your government is temporary
I had never before felt so much urge
to say who I was,
To take one side.
♪ Oh, oh, oh, if I push (president) Temer falls!
I decided to make this film because I wanted
to get into the dispute over the idea of family,
Women, sexuality, gender.
♪ The gay, the bi, the trans and the dyke
♪ Are on the march to make revolution
In my first pregnancy, with Andy, I had a dream:
The baby was born, it was a boy and
he said he wanted to be called Martin.
A few weeks later I did an ultrasound
that indicated: it's a girl.
We believed it, chose another name,
and I forgot the dream.
When Martí was born,
I didn't know what to name him.
We had made a trip to Cuba,
and Julio wanted very much
to pay tribute to Jose Martí,
the great revolutionary poet.
This is Martí,
Who has today 7,35 kilos,
and sixty-two centimeters...
At three months and a week.
Look, son, look there.
- Say something, son!
Look at the camera!
Only many years later I remembered that dream
And realized the enormous coincidence.
- Finished?
Yes.
- How did you come up with this song?
At random.
- Were you testing?
Yeah.
- Martí?
- Can I ask you to explain something to me?
- What happened to your brother
in the last few months?
I don’t know!
- Is there any difference?
What, about Violeta becoming Andre?
- Yeah́.
Hum, what’s that about?
- Explain to me what happened,
how did you see it happening.
Violeta... André... Violeta. André.
- Wait, again, again.
Violeta... André...
- Is this André?
This Is André.
- Is there any difference between them?
André is cooler.
- Do you remember when
we had that conversation?
- No?
No.
A few months ago...
- A few months ago, right?
Then, that time there
Although it hasn't been too long
Everything was different, right?
For you, I guess.
So explain what has changed
from then on.
After I've spent almost a year
thinking about it
By the end of last year, 2016,
I sort of understood what my gender is.
- And what is it?
I am a boy.
- And how did you come to that conclusion?
Do you know how to explain?
I don’t know how to explain.
It’s because, like...
I think I, kind of...
I kind of knew it, but
I thought I couldn’t be,
because like,
I’m not a very masculine person, right?
I'm very feminine indeed.
So I kept thinking that, because of that,
I don’t know, I could not be...
And because it’s not something
I’ve always known
Since childhood and such.
I see these stories, everyone says that,
"Since I was a child, I already wanted
to wear boy’s things" and...
One has always known...
always wanted to be a boy.
But for me it was much more subtle. So I thought...
As if I wasn't allowed to think that
Maybe I was a boy. Then, I
I thought "No, that's bullshit".
"I don't have to follow any rules to be anything".
And then, I was thinking,
I don't know how to explain it properly,
but I've come to this conclusion.
- I understood. And what's it like to be a boy?
Ah, don't ask that, don't.
I don't know how to explain.
This is very subjective. There is no way
to explain what it is to be a boy.
- I understood. And what is it to be female boy?
I mean to say I am not a macho man
I like more "feminine" things
- But then, in this case, could you not be a girl
who is not very feminine?
No, because, somewhat
Because it really bothers me when a person...
calls me by the other name,
or say that I'm a girl,
or uses a female pronoun for me and such.
And I could not imagine myself
Living as a girl in the future
I could not imagine myself as a woman.
And to be seen as a woman.
- What is it to live like a woman?
To live as a woman I mean...
basically is to be seen in society as a woman.
But you do not know how to explain because...
- Because for me it is funny to understand
What is so...
...problematic in being a woman.
It is not problematic to be a woman.
it's problematic for me
to try to be something I'm not.
And people see me
as something I'm not.
I don't know how to explain
I think there is no way for you
to understand, as a cis person
- Got it.
Sometimes I thought I should just accept,
Sometimes I thought I should challenge...
It's not easy knowing how best
to handle a process like this.
But I never wanted to be this mother who keeps doubting,
Who doesn't trust,
who doesn't understand.
I always wanted to at least try to understand.
About my family?
I think my mom,
She felt...
A mix of admiration,
Because we led a very free lifestyle
And I think she understood that
She admired that...
She has always had so many ties in her marriages.
She had to fulfill that role
of a traditional woman...
And she realized
how free we were, right?
And we set out to be free.
So, on the one hand,
I think she felt admiration.
And I think on the other hand she felt concerns.
Because she was very afraid of
where all this was going to go.
And I was not
...that nice with my family either.
I was quite aggressive,
I stood up for my way of life...
And I didn’t allow them
To come much...
...into our world.
So, maybe they were even a little afraid
of saying anything.
I was very aggressive.
I was difficult, so as to say.
I was difficult to my mom, poor thing....
Nowadays, as I’m over 60
I can now better understand it.
Understand her silence,
Taking a backseat...
But I also understand that it was hard for her.
To have a daughter so different from her.
As they say, a child falling away from the tree...
I was the daughter away from the tree.
Deep down I have always admired people
who come out of a conservative family
And manage to reinvent themselves,
Create freer ways of living.
I am lucky, my parents did that before me.
Maybe that's why, at the same time that it was
sometimes difficult to deal with Andy's process,
I also admired his movement.
I created a character who was Andy,
He was a gay boy
One of the characters in a story I had
And when I was planning
what his story would be, I'd end up
making him look like
I would if I was a boy, basically
I kind of ended up accidentally
Making him have the same interests as me
The same kind of personality, those things
And so I thought "Wow, am I drawing myself?"
And I also think it suits me.
And then I said, "Yeah, I like that name"
"...to refer to me".
- Got it. And why did you think I wouldn't like it?
Cause you guys keep talking
"Ah, it's American, gringo name..."
"You only hear gringo music..."
"Blablabla..."
To detach myself from the name
I had chosen so carefully
Was one of the most difficult things.
How cool, did it stick?
Me too!
Don't I look like you?
It was in my memory of pregnancy,
The cloth diapers, the first steps,
The first words.
The sleepless nights,
the games in the park,
The endless baths, the holiday trips.
That name was not just a name,
What were you going to tell, dear?
I drew two flowers,
one lion, one dog,
two mountains, one house...
It was a story.
In 2017, it was Andy's turn to take me on a walk.
Above all, when they attack us with hatred
We give out love!
♪ Prepare yourself, prepare yourself,
That faggots are revolutionary
Six years after the SlutWalk,
Other bodies occupied the same streets.
Diversity cried out its colors.
♪ Oh how nice it would be
♪ If the school fought homophobia
♪ Oh how nice it would be
♪ If the school fought homophobia
♪ The bi, the gay, the trans and the dyke
♪ Are on the march to make revolution
♪ The bi, the gay, the trans and the dyke
♪ Are on the march to make revolution
Transfeminism.
Black feminism.
Queer feminism.
Intersectional feminism.
LGBTQI+
The movement I saw there had many names.
I remember, after assuming myself as a trans boy,
the first time I went out with friends.
I got there
And the first thing one
of the boys said was...
I went to greet people
And the first thing one of the boys,
David, did was to say: "Ah..."
He slapped like that... and he said:
“Now we have to say hello like a man, right?”
And stuff... And I, like...
Then they started treating me
like that and I felt:
“OK, but I don’t.... "
"What? What’s happening?
I don’t want it that way either”
Then I began to feel uncomfortable as...
Like, being seen and living like a boy.
But, at the same time...
It was also very uncomfortable
living, being seen as a girl.
And I’m feeling much better
And with much less doubts
by defining myself as non-binary
and gender queer than
trying to be a girl or a boy.
And I think this generation of...
Of my grandchildren...
Is also a radical generation
Is also a generation that is
willing to break boundaries
Trying things
And they're experimenting
with this gender thing
It's not because I was born a girl
That I need... like pink and
Be a girl... all female..
No, I can try on... oh! Put on a man's outfit,
See how I feel.
I think it's cool...
But I don't know...
Sometimes I get a little scared
because...
What scares me is when I see some girls
start taking hormone...
start to...
When I see body tampering experiments
It scares me a little, you know?
The desire to be who you are
I think is cool, you know?
If I was born in a woman's body
But I feel like a man
I feel like I'm a man
I think it's okay
I find it normal
But mutilation of the body
is still a difficult idea for me.
But I can accept, I can accept, I think.
If a person feels better that way,
if they're up for it, right?
I think it might cause me some pain to think
About the muti...
The changing of the body in that sense.
But maybe for these people
it's not a mutilation as I'm calling it.
Maybe for these people it's a relief,
“Thank god, I don't want those breasts"
"I don't feel I'm a person who has breasts"
Or a boy: "oh, I don't..."
"I don't feel good having a phallus”
Then fine, I'll never criticize.
But personally it gives me
a certain affliction
Of who does this passage.
For my mother the idea of "being natural"
Had been an important dimension
of the transgressive attitude.
The naked body, free sex,
Organic food, community life...
All of this was part
of the counter-culture movement
Her generation undertook.
I'm a little bit like that too.
For me the birth control pill
has always been a poison,
And accepting my body has always been a quest.
And then comes a new generation
And turns everything upside down...
The goal was not to portray this,
but it is a character created
To be somewhat androgen, like...
Whose gender you could not tell that much
There’s a trans man.
Who I painted...
That the trans flag is blue and pink and white.
So I... Like, this was the first time
I drew a picture that has to do with this.
That kind... I don’t know... has the stripes here.
But I think I’m going to get
my most current notebook,
Since it has more stuff about it.
You asked me the other day, right?
and I said I was surprised that there are
so many people who
really identify themselves as men or women...
With so many ways that people can be,
I am surprised that there are so many people
who are male or female, with binary genders.
This here is a trans person,
I do not know well if he is
a man or if he is non-binary
You're not filming me anymore?
I'm trying to make a shot
that goes from me to you.
But from down there?
Yeah. Paint it,
I'm just gonna do this test.
For a while I lived a kind of grief over the name.
So I decided to plan a ritual:
I wanted to have a party with the whole family,
the day Andy formalized
the new name at the notary's office.
I wrote a speech to read that day,
A farewell letter for the name I had chosen.
But I never did any of that,
Because when I put it all down on paper,
The feeling was gone.
It' s still looking unfinished
- Andy, you told me
the other day that you wanted...
Do one more interview.
I thought it was nice, because
it was the first time you'd ever said it.
It wasn't me who called you.
And then I want to know...
The last time we talked,
I don't know if you remember
You had more or less recently
Assumed the name "Andy"
You had that purple hair
And that was one day we went to
a demonstration afterwards, remember?
At night, downtown, and I was filming...
More or less.
- And then I think you called me
because from that day until today
Something's changed, huh?
I think so...
- About how you understand your gender...
How are you seeing yourself these days?
I'm seeing myself
as a non-binary person, but like
Considering a spectrum
Between neutral and male
Such as: female, neutral, male
I'd be in neutral, but more drawn to male
But I'm also caring less about
Naming and shaping exactly what it is
I'm trying to, kind of...
I don't care so much anymore...
...to label it.
- One thing I want to ask you,
it was something that appeared quite recently...
You’ve been telling me a lot about
medical body changes.
What do you feel about it?
I feel that...
Surgery, you know, here,
I want to do...
I’m pretty sure about this, because
I’ve been thinking about it for two years,
and I decided that I want to do it
and kind of do it as soon as possible.
Because it’s really a part of my body that I...
It’s not that I hate it,
but I’ll be better off without it.
I’ll feel better and I’ll be able
to live my life better without it.
And I’ll feel much more “myself”.
So I wanted to do this as soon as possible.
And I want to... I’m still thinking.
And I’m sure I want to do the hormone treatment.
But I don’t know if I want to do it, like, for life
Or just for a few months,
until I get more androgen.
I’m not quite sure about it,
what I’m pretty sure about,
is about the surgery.
- But a surgery like that is...
Yeah, but that’s what I’m thinking.
- There’s no turning back, right?
Yeah, but that’s what I’ve been thinking
pretty much every day for two years.
This is what I’m pretty sure I want.
But did you ever think that...
This feeling may change over time?
No, it won’t.
- When adolescence is over...
and adult life comes in... other issues
may arise, this could change...
What issues, for example?
- Other issues of life or a transformation
Of your own feeling towards your body.
- No, no.
No, this I’m absolutely sure about,
that’s really what I want.
- I see.
Well, anyway, there’s time, right?
To turn eighteen, which is near...
“Near...”
- I personally think that...
It is not bad at all to wait a bit and
wait for these procedures to happen for you.
I can’t be sure.
You’re sure you won’t regret it,
but I can’t be sure.
Ah, I’ve been waiting for that for so long,
I’ve been waiting every day.
- I see...
But for me, for my generation,
This is still something that we have a lot of...
Even those who, like me, don’t think
this is absurd
There are still many contradictions
inside me, I think.
Yeah, but I’m the one who has to know that, right?
- Oh yes. Well, but you have to be of age to do it,
so I don’t have to sign this paper.
Yeah.
- Because I can’t,
Inside of me, I just can’t...
If you come of age and do it,
That’s okay, I’ll support you, no problem.
But being responsible for signing this paper
and authorizing you...
There’s no way I’ll feel secure.
I am dying of fear of doing this.
I am dying of fear of repenting
for having done this.
Or of you repenting and accusing me
of having allowed you
to do it being so young,
such a permanent thing...
I do not have the courage of signing this paper...
Knowing you, your story...
I do not think I am entitled to, do you understand?
For this reason I prefer you
to be 18 years old and
If you really do it,
if you go after it and get it,
You are going to have my whole support, as always
to do and to recover, everything...
But I am incapable of signing a paper
authorizing you to do this.
I am not able to, this way,
I am not able to have so much certainty as you
That you are going to think the same way
you think nowadays for the rest of your life.
It is that you also do not feel what I feel.
- I do not feel what you feel but on the other hand
I was a teenager once and I'm no longer,
and I know how these things are...
How we change throughout life...
Over time I found myself in a dilemma.
I wondered if it wasn't irresponsible,
If it wasn't a mistake to prolong
Andy's suffering with his body.
I know what it's like
to be uncomfortable with my body.
I think everyone feels that way
at some point in life.
But I have no idea what it's like
not to support my own body.
The victory of the extreme right in the 2018 election
was a shock, a nightmare,
A mixture of panic and total incredulity.
How much racism, machism, misogyny.
Homophobia and transphobia terrified me.
But we can't surrender to fear.
Nor run away, nor hide.
There's no turning back.
There's too many of us and we want more.
More freedom.
More joy.
More rights.
More love.
Since the last election
I have often received a message that says:
“No one let go of anyone’s hand”
This film is a way of holding hands
To Andy, but also
For all those who share precariousness
And who, with fear or courage,
swim against the tide.
This movie is a way of saying:
"We're together".
- Andy, say "hello, hello."
Hello, Hello.
- Again.
Hello, Hello.
How is the drawing you were
going to show me?
It’s a drawing I made that’s kind of like me,
How I want to be, like that.
Except that it is well stylized,
It is not realistic at all.
- Let me see it.
And it’s not colored yet.
Wait... I don’t know if the ink is going to run.
- Don’t turn it completely,
just open it, keep the page upright.
- What do you identify yourself with in it?
Oh, not to mention the style, which is how I dress,
How the look that I like is...
It is a more masculine way, with the beard,
Here, stretch, too and...
The face, you can’t see it because it’s stylized,
but more masculine type and stuff...
It is a goal, sort of.
- Then, tell me, what’s about to happen?
I’ll soon start the hormonal treatment
with testosterone
To do the physical transition.
- So, how are you feeling?
I’m very excited about that, I’m very happy.
Did you notice that I changed my mind?
Yeah, you weren't willing
to allow it before, were you?
You weren't willing to sign a piece of paper
that would allow me to do so,
That this was your responsibility, right?
You were afraid I'd regret it
and put the blame on you.
- And why do you think I changed my mind?
I think it's because you've seen that
I've wanted this for a long time and
I haven't changed my mind so far,
so it's not a decision...
You told me that, right?
It's not a decision I made out
of nothing, without thinking
And because I' m doing the treatment
at the Unicamp Gender Psychiatry Clinic
Since the beggining of the year...
So I've been doing all the procedures
with professionals and such
Then it's all safe and proper
And you must also have understood
how important it is for me to do that
- I told you the other day that,
although I’m going to sign,
I still feel a little insecure, right?
Aha.
- I have some fears.
What have you understood about my fears?
That you think I might someday think that...
I didn’t have to make a physical transition
To live like myself.
Is this it, basically?
Yeah, that, too. Or that you would regret it.
But I don’t think it’s going to happen,
I don’t think so.
- And what do you think
of me having these fears?
It bothers me a little bit, but also...
Oh, I think it’s normal.
That you feel insecure about it,
Especially because you’re signing
a paper and I’m quite young
I think it’s normal for you to feel this way,
even though I feel kind of...
I don’t know...
But...
Oh, you’re not stopping me from doing that, right?
You are quite respecting what́...
I’m choosing to do, and that I’m taking
responsibility for it and that I...
Although I’m only seventeen years old.
I can already know what I want.
At least in relation to that.
And that’s it.
- I think today is going to be
the last recording
Are not you going to record me months
into the testosterone treatment?
- In relation to my PhD I don't think so...
not specifically for this film because...
Because I have to finish it
and present my doctoral thesis...
Ok.
And I decided that at least this
Expectation of yours and this moment
of opening to a new phase
Will be the end of the movie
and the beginning of other things.
I think the film is more about the process
that led you to get up to this point.
And not the process looking forward.
First of all, show the paper to the camera
Why are there two of them?
Because I'm underage.
So there's a consent form,
Which is what you're going to sign...
That my mother will sign.
And this is the term of assent,
I don't quite know what that means
But it's just to say that I also know everything
On the first two sheets they explain
The effects testosterone has on the body
Which are permanent and which are reversible
If I stop taking it, what will stay forever
and what will come back as it was before...
What are the risks...
What people say are risks but are not.
For example people say that
it can increase your risk of cancer.
But it says that's not true, for instance.
Says what I can't do
and that I have to agree
to carry out physical
and mental health monitoring
So I have to go to the psychologist,
and I have to go and do some checkups
to see if everything's okay
if my body is reacting well.
And at the end there's the signature field.
If you are of legal age,
or if it should be the parents.
- Hold the camera for me, please.
Don’t put the date, because
maybe it needs to be Friday.
- You can hold it like this,
you don't need to hold here.
You can hold it like this, and just stand still.
How can I be sure I’m still?
What? What if I tremble?
If I kind of move, like this?
- Then, there’s nothing to do, right?
I’m going to sign your paper, huh?
Especially for you and for the movie.
Hold it here.
- Is this the document you were
expecting the most?
The document is the prescription, right?
But...
Yes, basically.
Thanks!
You’re happy, eh?
I’m so happy! I want to...
to see the changes I’m going to go through...
how will my voice be, how will my face be.
It’s going to be very cool!
The only problem is that it takes
a few months, but it’s
cool that you can see the changes
little by little, noticing them.
Are you filming me, I don’t know
what I’m supposed to do.
In 2019 Andy decided on a new name: Noah.
In 2020, he entered university to study Visual Arts.
My name is Andrei and this is my voice
right after the first dose of testosterone.
My name is Andrei and this is my voice
one month on testosterone.
Nothing has changed yet...
My name is Andrei and this is my voice
two months on testosterone.
Hi, I'm Andrei and this is my voice
three months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
four months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
five months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
six months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
seven months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
eight months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
nine months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
ten months on testosterone.
In 2 months, May 24,
I'll complete one year taking hormone therapy.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
Eleven months on testosterone.
My name is Noah and this is my voice
one year on testosterone.
Actually, it was 2 days ago
But I forgot to record, so:
One year and two days.
That's it!