Three for Two (1975) - full transcript

(soft upbeat music)

(cars honking)

- Ah, Roma, Roma.

Mi amore, I love you,
I feel like everything

I've been waiting for my whole life,

will come true here tonight.

(singing)

(doorbell ringing)

(speaking in a foreign language)

Yes, you should put it right
over there by the table.

- Si, graze.



- Oh, it is so beautiful
out on the terasse,

perhaps you should put it out here.

Oh, and don't forget the candelabra,

no, hold it, hold it, maybe the
terrasse is a little obvious

perhaps you better put it
right here by the table.

And you can go ahead and open it because

my husband's in the shower
and he'll be out in a moment.

- Yes.

- I,

I guess perhaps you're wondering
why I'm dressed like this?

Well you see, this is the
first time in 24 years

we've been on a vacation
without the children,

and we're going to have
four romantic weeks together

and I'm, shall we say, setting the mood.



(chuckling)

(popping)

Can I ask you a personal question?

(speaking in a foreign language)

Do you,

like my ensemble?

- Bellisima.

- That means good?

Oh now are you sure sir?

Because I have the same
thing in mediterranean blue,

and midnight black,
you'll have to excuse me

for being so, so emotional,
it's just that I'm so happy.

I want everything to be
just perfect for my husband,

because he's really so
sensitive to his environment,

and this is our first night here in Rome,

the eternal city of love.

Here he comes.

- (mumbles)

- Herb!

- What?

- Uh, Herb darling,
the champagne is poured

and the waiter is waiting
to take your order

so we can have our romantic supper.

- Oh, let me see a menu pal.

I'll have some of that
spaghetti carbonara.

- Yes sir.

- Side of meatballs.

Bowl of minestrone.

An order of steak pitsiola,

and a chocolate profiterole,

some fresh strawberries, no sugar.

You got any good cheese?

(speaking in a foreign language)

- Yeah, I'll have those,
and some black coffee.

With skim milk.

Wake me up Sally as soon as it comes.

- Uh, I think I'll order
now if you don't mind.

Um, I'll have some of that
spaghetti, carbon, whatever,

and a tossed salad and a cup of espresso.

Thank you.

Herb darling, what are you doing?

- What do you think I'm doing,
I'm trying to get some sleep.

You realize it's two
o'clock back in Cleveland?

- That's two in the afternoon, Herb.

- Please Sally, will you give me a break?

The pressure's beginning to get to me.

- What pressure honey?

We're on vacation.

Herb, you haven't called
your office, have you?

You promised me you wouldn't.

- I have not called my office.

I don't wanna even think about business.

And I resent your insinuation.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

It's your office returning your call.

- Hello Phil?

Oh, hmm, well I was just calling you

to tell you not to call me,
unless it's an emergency,

we're gonna be here in
Rome for about three days.

Uh?

- Venice.

- Thank you.

- Tell her she can call me at 324862.

In Capri it's 462212 and
856224 in the ruins of Pompeii.

You got that pal?

Ciao!

- I hope you feel better Herb,

because all I wanna do is have us

look into each other's eyes
for the next four whole weeks.

- I know.

- Herb?

This is not romantic, you're
not relating to me at all.

I'll bet you haven't even
noticed what I'm wearing.

- You're wearing blue pajamas.

- I am wearing a coral negligee,

you are wearing blue pajamas

- All right, I'm wearing blue pajamas,

you're not, what's the difference?

- Herb, I don't know how to tell you this,

but now that the children
are out on their own,

all I'm left with is you.

- I'm getting very tense Sally.

Very tense.

What do you want from me?

- Not much Herb, let's
have some champagne.

Here.

Wait Herb, wait, wait,
let's sit next to each other

on the sofa, it's more romantic there.

Hold it, hold it, don't you think

we should toast each other?

- Right now?

(soft Italian music)

- To Rome and love and
laughter and to you and me,

husband and wife, man and
woman, loving each other

more than heaven could ever imagine.

- Ditto.

(clinging)

(gulping)

- Herb, hold my hand.

Now, look into my eyes.

And tell me that you love me

and that you, you can't live without me,

and that my lips are like ripe cherries

and my eyes are like pools of cool water

that you just wanna float in,

and that your thighs tingle
helplessly from the love

that gushes up from the
bottom of your soul.

- Consider it said.

- Herb, I know I can say it,

the whole point is that
I want you to say it.

- What's the difference who said it?

You said it and I conquered.

- Dance with me Herb?

- Please Sally, I'm worn
out, I'm really worn out.

- Just one dance, Herb, please.

(singing)

Hold me tighter Herb.

(singing)

Now twirl me around.

(singing)

Now dip me Herb dip me.

Now say all those things to me

that you conquered with.

- Well, I like to kiss your lips

that are like cherries of
happiness and the water

in your eyes is making my thighs tingle

and I'm going wild in your
wilderness, how's that?

- Well, it isn't that the words are wrong,

it's the emotion, try it, try
it once more, with passion.

- Oh baby, I'm mad about you.

Just looking in your eyes drives me nuts.

I wanna keep the cherries
right off of your lips.

You make my heart go bananas.

You make me feel, I feel, I
feel, like I'm going crazy.

You're making me crazy Sally.

I know I should have
never come on this trip.

Back in Cleveland everything
was beautiful for 24 years.

Then you had to spoil what we had together

with your romance.

- Okay Herb, you win.

Maybe I am expecting to much,

I came to Rome wanting a total experience,

but I will be just like you.

- Now you're making sense.

- Only don't wake me when the food comes.

As a matter of fact, don't wake
me for the next four weeks.

I don't wanna spoil what
we had in Cleveland either.

What we had in Cleveland?

What we had in Cleveland?

What did we have Herb?

The only romance we had in Cleveland

was when you made love
to me on Saturday nights.

- Made love?

Is that what you call what
we did on Saturday night?

- Well just what do you mean by that?

- Look, I don't wanna
hurt your feelings Sally,

but you're the one who wants honesty.

So don't take this personal,

you want a total experience,
we never even had

a semi total experience,
it's been zilch Sally.

How do you go from zilch to total?

And as far as making love,

how can I make love when all the time

I feel that you're mad at me?

- Well, of course I was mad at you,

because of the way your treated me.

You treated me like zilch.

You know I gave up a
successful career to marry you.

- You were a screw counter
in a hardware store.

- I was learning the business,

but you wanted me home,
so I let you be the one

to go out and have all the fun.

- I had all the fun?

Do you think what I've been doing

in my business for the
last 24 years has been fun?

I've been killing myself to
support you and three kids.

To put food on the table.

You know, the bamboo furniture business

is a cutthroat business.

The only way I could beat the competition

was staying up all night
and pause with clients.

Demeaning myself by doing
Peter Lorre impersonation.

I leave the office, I have chest pains,

I come home at night, open the door,

you hit me with your needs
and I get back pains.

I got it going, coming.

In the office I have chest pains

and at home I have back pains.

And do you know why?

- Why?

- Because everybody has needs but me.

I have no needs.

Except one.

To stuff my body with food.

So I can forget my problems.

I'm fat!

I'm fat!

And every pound I put on you put down.

Hello, this is 5E.

Call room service and tell
'em to add a double portion

of Alfredo fettuccine to my order.

Thank you.

Are you satisfied?

You did it again.

- Oh, you're hilarious.

Absolutely hilarious.

You're telling me you
never had any fun with me?

Well while you were stuffing yourself,

I was starving emotionally.

I'm gonna tell you a big secret Herb,

in Cleveland there are three
men I see during the day

who keep me from going crazy.

Because they give me what
I don't get from you.

- I don't believe you.

- Okay, you want names?

Number one, Lou Fargazi.

That's right, the butcher.

And you know why?

He holds up a rib roast,
and we both admire it.

We share things Herb.

Number two.

Andre Mulante, our decorator, remember?

For two years, Andre and I
combed every fabric house

in Cleveland, looking
for just the right Bindo

material for the downstairs powder rooms.

That's two years Herb, of
feeling fabrics together.

And number three, Stew
Birjman, our family doctor,

because he worries about me,

when I'm run down, he
gives me a vitamin B shot,

and he says, how are
you feeling today angel?

He calls me angel.

And these three men get
me through the day Herb.

And at night, I cry my
eyes out while you're out

doing your terrible Peter
Lorre impersonation.

- Do you mean that you don't like,

my impersonation of Peter Lorre?

- It stinks Herb.

- Then our whole marriage
is based on a lie.

(doorbell ringing)

Come in.

- Good evening, shall I
server the dinner senior?

- Just put it over there.

Hey, wait a minute.

You go to the movies?

- Oh, si.

- Who is this?

Did you get the information Mister Miller?

You didn't get the
information Mister Miller?

You were supposed to get the
information Mister Miller.

- Jean Laloloprijita.

- Get out.

- The truth hurts, doesn't it Herb?

And how dare you tell me there was no room

for your needs, you don't even know

what your needs are.

- I don't know what my needs are?

Alright Sally, for the
first time in 24 years,

I'll tell you what my needs are.

I need another woman!

I need pleasure.

I could run right downstairs now

and grab the first woman I see.

And now that I know what my needs are,

Rome is never gonna be the same again.

Alright all you beautiful Bimbos,

Herb Walbert is in town,
and he knows what he needs,

I didn't come to pray
Caesar, I came to say hello

to a sister.

- Oh yeah, hey friends,
Romans, countrymen,

you wanna see a pleasure object?

Well you see this, you see
this bundle of pleasure

128 pounds of joy, I'm in room 5E.

- Would you get out of there Sally.

- Hello sailor, what's your name?

My name's Sally but my
friends call me hot stuff.

(whistling)

- You get away from here
and stop doing that.

And you better not come up here sailor,

she's a married woman with three kids,

and I'm an admiral.

- I'm a pleasure object.

- She's 45, and in two months,
she'll be a grandmother.

You hear that, a grandmother.

Whoa, go ahead.

- You don't think I'd dare, huh?

- Let me have it.

- Let you have it huh?

- Let me have it!

- You're waiting for it?

- Yes.

- Okay.

I wouldn't give you the satisfaction.

- What the hell are we doing?

- I don't know Herb.

I guess that's it, when
two people wanna dump

spaghetti on each other's heads,

there's nothing left but divorce.

- You said it, I didn't.

(sniffling)

- You can have the business,
I, I just want the house.

- Fair enough.

You can have the station
wagon I'll take the sedan.

No.

- What do you mean no?

- I mean no.

I'm not gonna give up the house.

And I'm not gonna give
up the station wagon

and the sedan, I worked too
hard to get those things.

Most of all, I'm not gonna give up you.

Because you worked too hard to give us

a wonderful life together.

After all, What's the matter with it.

A pretty woman like you, as alive as you,

wanting a little romance.

What's wrong with romance?

Romance helped us to fall
in love and get married.

Romance gave us three wonderful kids.

Sally, if it was beautiful
back in Cleveland,

how much more beautiful it can be here?

We're in Rome.

One of the world's most romantic cities.

A little while ago you made a toast.

Now I wanna make one.

To you, Sally.

The most desirable woman.

(clinging)

- I love you Herb, I
love you very very much.

- What a nice fin.

(soft music)

- Good afternoon.

Don't worry, your eyes will get
used to is in a few moments.

If we made it any lighter
we'd lose half our clientele.

Can I help you?

- Oh, no, no, it's alright,
I'm supposed to meet

a friend here but I'll find him.

- Oh, there's someone sitting in the back

who's expecting a
blonde, would you like me

to take you to the table?

- Oh no, no, no, no, no, I'll
find it myself thank you.

Very nice of you.

- [Woman] I feel so guilty
meeting you like this darling.

- [Man] I'm only alive
when I'm with you angel.

- [Woman] We've got to get
away more often sugar plum.

- [Man] My wife watches
every move I make lamb chop.

- Pussycat, psst, pussycat, over here.

- Teddy bear, is that you?

- Yes, sit down quick pussycat

before somebody sees you.

- Boy, I've been worried sick

that your wife wouldn't let
you out of the house Fred.

- Fred?

What do you mean Fred?

- Aren't you Fred Schneider?

- No, I thought you were Marie Rednick.

- Oh my God, this is embarrassing.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

Please don't mention this to anybody.

- Of course not.

- Because I'm not the kind of person who--

- Neither am I.

- Fred?

Fred?

- Psst, Pussycat.

- Fred is that you?

- Come over here.

- Who's that woman.

- I don't know, some dame
by the name of Mary Rednick.

- Oh, Ms Rednick, your
teddy bear is over there.

Oh Fred, it suddenly seems so tacky

meeting here like this.

- Tacky?

How can you call this
beautiful, sacred thing

we have together tacky?

- Fred, I just can't
believe I'm sitting here

with my best friend
Marna's husband and cookies

tip toe in.

- Well how do you think I feel?

Harry's my second cousin.

- Oh Fred, Fred I wish I
could fight the feeling

but I'm only alive when I'm with you.

I'm dead at the supermarket,
I'm dead at the PTA,

I'm dead at the beauty parlor.

- You think you're dead.

I'm dead at the bank, I'm dead
at the little league games.

- Are you dead with Marna?

- Of course I'm dead with Marna.

Why, aren't you dead with Harry?

- You know I'm dead with Harry.

I live only for you, you're my life,

my heart, you're my reason for breathing.

- You're my moon, you're
my stars, you're the reason

for my jogging.

- Oh, I love the touch of your aftershave,

the sound of your hair when it moves.

- And I love the smell of your Boa.

- You know, I have absolutely
nothing in common with Harry.

We've been married 20 years

but we have nothing to talk about.

You're different.

We have so many things to talk about.

When we're going to see each other,

how much time we have together,

what excuses we're going to
use to get out of the house.

Oooh, I could go on and on.

- You know, before I met you,
I was just a successful banker

I just didn't know who I was.

And it wasn't until that night,

that I went to Jake Powell's party

and grab you in the tool shed,

suddenly I realised who I was,

Fred N. Schneider.

- You think you didn't know who you were.

I was just a homemaker, but now,

I'm Rita Fledgman, and I only live

for my togetherness with you but Fred,

it's just not enough anymore.

20 minutes of togetherness
here, 10 minutes

of togetherness there,
I can't go on like this,

I'll die if I don't get more togetherness.

- You're right, you're right.

We gotta spend a whole weekend together.

How about Labor Day?

- Oh no good.

How's Columbus Day?

- Can't make it.

- Well, than the only other possible day

is Veteran's Day.

- I'd love to but I, I'm marching.

- You'd rather march than go away with me?

- I can cheat on my wife,
but not the national guard.

- Well, then there's only
one thing left for us.

You've got to tell Marna,
and I've got to tell Harry.

- About what?

- About us, and how we're alive together

and dead with them.

- Are you crazy?

That would hurt Harry and Marna.

I don't wanna hurt Harry and Marna.

You wanna hurt Harry and Marna?

- Oh course I don't wanna
hurt Harry and Marna.

It would hurt me to hurt Harry and Marna.

- We can't hurt Harry and Marna,

we'd only be hurting ourselves.

- Well, then it's all over Fred.

I just can't take this anymore,

we can't ever see each other again.

Let's discuss it.

- When?

- Thursday.

- Where?

- Tony's Hideaway.

- What time?

- Six minutes to five.

- Wear your aftershave.

(soft music)

(soft jazz music)

- [Maureen] Mother, I'm
doing it and that's that.

- [Pauline] Maureen, just
wait until your father

hears about this, he'll go crazy.

- [Alfred] For once in my
life I'm doing what I want.

- [Pauline] Well you just wait out

for until your father hears about this.

When he hears, he'll kill you.

(sniffling)

- Alright Pauline, what is it?

- It's nothing Mike, you
relax and have your drink.

- What is it Pauline?

- Please Mike, I don't
want you to get upset

on New Year's Eve, so
don't keep asking me.

Alfred Broke up with Betty Dorcy and now

he wants to go out tonight
looking for other girls.

And Steven Dolmarini,
he's sick of spending

New Year's Eve at our house.

Mike, if you don't do something quick,

your daughter's gonna be out tonight

clubbing with Steven and
a bunch of strange drunks

and your son will be
cruising down Foster Avenue

asking filth to get in his car,

and you and I will be left
alone on New Year's Eve,

eating four pounds of cold cuts.

- Ah, Pauline, will you calm down?

The kids have a right
to their own viewpoints.

And I'm anxious to hear them.

Then we'll work it out
so everybody's happy.

(crying)

- It's alright Mike.

Alfred, Maureen, you get
down here right this second,

your father's absolutely furious,

and he wants to hear your viewpoints,

before he breaks both your heads.

Oh your father is so mad at you,

I don't know if I can
control him, he is so mad.

- Alright,

now I'd like to start off
this little discussion

by reaffirming what you
already know about me.

I'm tough and I'm grumpy,

but I also am pig headed in fact.

Am I right Alfred?

Right Maureen?

Right Pauline?

- Well, sometimes--

- Right Pauline?

Alright, now your mother here on my left,

has brought to my
attention your viewpoints.

But she's done so in an emotional

and a hysterical manner, which we all know

is caused by her femineity.

Right Alfred?

Right Maureen?

So, what I'd like to say--

- What about me, Mike?

- Am I right Pauline?

On the other hand, I like
to approach things more in a

in a manly way, which is
due to my masculinity.

Now you can ask any of my best friends.

Jonny Bridges, Georgy Shry,
Tommy Ritzo, Eddie Cunz,

Leppy Brian, and they'll tell you,

that whenever, whenever I got
into a situation with them,

I always listened to their viewpoints,

and made sure that I had all of that

before I punched each one of them up.

That must be the goal I live by.

Logic and then violence.

So I'm going to ask you
two the same question

that I ask them, whenever
there's a problem.

What the hell is going on here?

- For three years, Steven's had to sit

through our boring New Year's Eve parties,

and we're through being prisoners here.

I want thrills and excitement
this New Year's Eve.

I'm going out.

- Well,

Alfred.

- Look, I feel bad that I
broke up with Betty Dorcy,

I wanna go out with my
friends and really cut loose.

I'm 18, I have a right to get stink

and drunk and pass out.

- You want thrills and excitements?

You want all hell breaking loose?

Well I'll put on my high pumps

and jump up and down on your faces.

(all yelling)

- Hold it!

Hold it.

Now let me see if I have
your viewpoints correct.

You've both decided that you wanna break

a two generation president, and not spend

New Year's Eve with the two
people who love you most,

because it's boring, am I right Alfred?

- That's right?

- Am I right Maureen?

- Right.

- What should we do Mike?

What should we do?

- Well, knowing the situation,

and having mauled through
all of that, thoroughly,

I'd like to express my viewpoint.

Nobody's going anywhere!

No how!

No way!

No chance!

The case is dismissed!

Through!

Finished!

Done!

- Now that's fair, your
father's very fair.

- Fair?

How is that fair?

- Look,

since you've been born,

you've been with us every
New Year's Eve at 12 o'clock,

listening to Guy Lombardo, and watching

the little ball go down in Times Square.

And wishing each other a happy new year.

Also, watching your mother and I dance

to Apple Blossom Time.

It's a tradition.

- And as long as we're alive,

you will be with us on New Year's Eve.

- You wanna go out on New Year's Eve?

You'll wait till we're dead.

- And we don't mean just incapacitated,

we mean really dead.

- That'll give you something
to look forward to.

- Oh, this is ridiculous,
I am a grown woman!

Steven loves me and wants
to be alone with me.

- To do what?

- Anything he can do
with you in a nightclub,

he can do with you right
her in front of us.

- Unless it's grab your
knee while you're eating,

or blow in your ear while you're dancing.

I happen to know all
about that, I was young.

I did that with plenty of women.

- Your father did that
with plenty of women.

- Why do you think I married your mother?

- Why do you think he married me?

- Because she wouldn't
let me do that to her.

- Your father never blew in my ear.

- And I've never felt that I've missed out

on anything either.

- I am sick and tired of you

making me feel guilty,

I am going out with Steven tonight,

and if he blows in my ear,

I'm gonna blow right back in his.

- You don't have to know
this miss woman of the world,

miss smarty hot pants, but
if you become a loose woman,

there's not a man in
this town with a sought

that will marry you.

- Steven wants to marry me,

he proposed today and I accepted.

- What?

- What?

- We weren't gonna tell
you until after New Year's,

because we wanted it to be our secret,

but this is a crazy house,

this could have been the
happiest night of my life,

but you've ruined it and I'm miserable.

Happy New Year.

(crying)

- Oh, I'm sorry baby, but
it was such a big shock

both you and Alfred wanting
to leave us alone tonight,

and it was an even bigger shock
that you wanna get married.

- It's alright mom,

I understand, I love you.

- Honey, Steven's a wonderful boy,

but,

I feel bad because you and I

have never really discussed marriage

the way a mother and daughter should.

You see Maureen, there are,

there are certain things
that I have learned

through the years with your father about,

how to make a beautiful marriage.

Make sure,

that your sex life grows
more exciting every year.

Learn to kiss with the lights on.

And let him see you in your
slip from time to time.

And gradually you will get to the point

where you can sit in the bathtub

and bare your whole body,
while he's still in the house.

Am I embarrassing you baby?

- Not yet mom.

- Maureen, there's something
that you're old enough

to know about,

not too long after your
father and I got married,

my sister Winny told me that
she saw your father put his arm

around a waitress where he was working.

Well, I,

I didn't wanna do anything rash,

so I,

I asked St Theresa for guidance.

You know, she's the one to pray to,

any problems involving suspected smut.

And we decided that I should keep calm,

and when your father came home

I would see with the way he behaved

whether he was innocent or guilty.

Now, if he was is usual grumpy self,

he'd be innocent, but, if he had a smile

of inner peace, then he'd be guilty.

In which case we would
sit down at the table

like rational people and I would tell him

he must never do this obscene thing again.

- Well, what happened?

- When?

- When daddy came home,

was he grumpy or did he have a smile?

- Oh, I don't remember,
because the minute he opened

that door a picked up a
frying pan and hit him

on the head with it.

So you see baby, marriage
does have its problems.

But, what makes it all
worthwhile are the wonderful

things you get in return,

like, a companion, to
share your loneliness with,

and most important, you must
hang on to your traditions,

because, they, they
give order to your life.

You see, that's why I
look forward to dancing to

Apple Blossom Time with your
father every New Year's Eve.

- Mom, what made you and daddy pick

Apple Blossom Time as
part of your tradition?

- Well, I will tell you
the whole romantic story.

One day, when we were first married,

we were at a party and I
asked your father to dance,

and he said no, and Eddie Davis, a man who

always kinda liked me said
I'll dance with you Pauline.

And Apple Blossom Time was
playing and we started dancing.

Later, walking home, your
father said he was mad,

really mad, that I had
danced with Eddie Davis,

and I said, I asked you
and you turned me down.

And your father went crazy with jealousy.

He called me a wicked vamp,
and then I smacked him

in the face and then he
banged me up against a tree,

and then I started pulling his hair out,

and then he twisted my arm and
made my arm black and blue.

Well, anyway, your father
must have felt real bad

about what he did because,
that New Year's Eve,

he walked in with a record
of Apple Blossom Time.

Every New Year's since then,
we dance to that same song.

Because, it's your father's
way of begging forgiveness,

for making my arm black and blue.

(exhaling)

I love that quality in a man,

it's one in a million.

- Mother, I really appreciate the advice,

but Steven and I are going to have

a different kind of marriage.

- Oh.

- Yes, we've worked it all out.

For instance, I told him
that I loved his mustache

and he vowed he would never shave it off.

And we both have the
same taste in luggage,

and end tables and leisure wear.

Our favorite color is magenta.

And we both love run rays and ice cream.

We both want an english tutor house

while he's in dental school.

And a french chateau when
he goes into practice,

so you see mother, we've
anticipated everything

that could possibly come up in a marriage.

- Oh, yeah.

Maureen baby, where are you and Steven

going to get the money to
buy an English Tutor house

while he's in dental school?

Oh, well, now don't worry about it angel

go out and enjoy yourself, this is a night

for blowing up balloons,
not bursting them.

You do your go to get dressed.

(soft music)

- We are now going to have
a little man to man talk.

Why did you dump Betty Dorcy?

- She started putting
pressure on me to get married.

- Pressure?

Is she pregnant?

- No.

Pop, nothing like that.

- Then what do you mean by pressure?

- Her mother was fixing up

an apartment over her garage, she assumed

that Betty and I would get
married and live there.

- Now that's really stupid.

You should've told her you're a man

and you're gonna live where you want.

And you wanna live over my garage.

- Pop, I'm 18, I got a lot of years

before I wanna get married.

- I happen to know and
understand all about the wild

oat sawing you gotta do.

I know that you wanna get
yourself a loose woman.

Before you find a good woman to marry.

- What do you consider the difference

between a loose woman and a good woman?

- Well, the difference
is that a loose woman

lets you have a good time,
then she goes on her merry way.

Where as a good woman,
let's you have a good time,

but you never hear the end of it.

(chuckling)

hey, I got an idea, after
you graduate college,

I'll fix up an apartment over that garage,

and it can be your own
swinging batchelor pad.

- Something I wanna get off my chest.

I've decided to quit college
and get my own apartment.

- What are you talking
about, quit college?

You're an A student,
you can't quit college.

- Pop, I like chemical engineering,

but it's too easy.

I wanna do something where I can use more

of my intellect.

That's why I wanna be nightclub comic.

- You wanna be a what?

- I know, show business
is a tough field to crack,

but, Pop, I think I got great raw talent.

Listen to this.

Good evening ladies and germs.

I just checked into a
hotel, where the rooms

are so small that the
mice have hunched backs.

Take my wife please.

I mean, eventually, I'll need writers Pop,

but you can see the raw talent
is there, can't you Pop?

Pop?

Say something.

I need you to be behind
me, 'cause, if I don't

do this now, I might always regret

that I never took a chance.

I mean, you see my raw talent Pop.

- I could see something raw,

and I can understand you need to have

something raw like that,

but I'm disappointed Alfred.

I'm extremely disappointed.

The only reason I wanted you to get

a college degree is because

I never had the chance to get one.

But I'm your father.

And though I may not
agree with what you say,

I'll fight to the death for your right

to make an ass of yourself.

- See, thanks Pop.

I was so frightened to tell ya.

I thought you'd go through the roof.

Well I guess I better get going.

- Oh, wait a minute, before you go out,

you know that joke you tell,

take my wife?

Well if you'd get a little pause in that

before you say please,

they'd really get the joke, you know?

- Oh you mean like this.

Take my wife please.

- Yeah, that's perfect, just perfect.

- Thanks Pop.

(car honking)

- Oh, there's Steven.

Just a minute Steven, I'll be right out.

- She'll be right out Steven.

- Bye Daddy.

- Bye Sweetheart.

- I love you and have a Happy New Year.

- I love you too, Happy New Year to you.

- Have a wonderful time darling

and don't give us a second thought.

- Happy New Year Pop.

- Happy New Year son.

- Happy New Year son.

- Happy New Year mom.

- Have a good time.

- Happy New Year,

Happy New Year Steve!

- Happy New Year everybody.

(soft piano music)

We've got to let the
birds leave the nest Mike.

- Fish gotta have room to swim.

- Change is part of the four seasons.

- When you gotta go, you gotta go.

- Kids have to make their own mistakes.

- After all, we did.

- We've had our share
of good times too Mike.

- Yeah, remember that great pot roast

you made last week?

- Yes, but you brought home
a good piece of meat Mike.

- Oh yeah.

- Remember the first time we took the kids

to see Santa Claus?

- Yeah, that was really fun.

- It's like a dream Mike.

It's like a dream.

- [Man On TV] And now, we
take you to Times Square.

Happy New Year.

- Happy New Year Mike.

- Happy New Year Pauline.

(festive music)

(soft jazz music)