Three Men and a Cradle (1985) - full transcript
Jacques, Pierre, and Michel are three adult friends who enjoy single life until they find themselves stuck - with a baby.
THREE MEN AND A BASKET
I'll be back
I've gotta run
but I've a favour to ask you.
Whatever, but hurry
I'm really busy!
I'm supposed to get a valuable
package on Sunday, but I won't be home.
Can I have it delivered here?
Yes, sure.
- Will someone be here to receive it?
- Of course
Pierre and Michel will be here
I'm leaving for Japan.
Will you tell them it'll arrive
sometime on Sunday?
Tell 'em just to put it aside
Someone will pick it up on Thursday.
- Is that all?
- Yeah, I can trust you, right?
Sure, you don't have to
worry about a thing.
You see, it's a bit tricky...
If it's here, I'll feel safer.
- Don't worry, it's done, bye now.
- Okay, I'm gone.
My poor feet!
I told you the party will
wear you out.
- That was neat, huh?
- Yeah.
What's Jacques doing?
He's necking with a brunette
Sophie, I think.
No, Lili's her name
Lili or Sophie
She's got a cute burn!
Nicole wouldn't shove off
I couldn't get near Natalie.
- Jean-Marc's girl?
- Yup.
A cracking lay according to him!
- Any whisky left?
- Check the cabinet.
Sorry not to help
but I've got something going.
- Aren't you leaving tomorrow?
- Yeah, I'm flying to Japan.
At dawn, forget that
the concierge will clean tomorrow.
Just tiding up a bit.
Hey, up all night then jet lag
in Japan... What a man!
That bum of hers!
A real dish!
We were just talking about that.
Is it Lili or Sophie?
Clementine, guys
Did you score, Michel?
I've 34 drawings to deliver in 10 days
and no nights till then.
But I'll catch up
Anyway, leave Clementine's number
I'll leave it by the door
tomorrow morning
I'll mark it with an X
if she's worth it.
Well I'd better go
I won't wake you
See you in three weeks.
Oh, wait, wait
I forgot something...
I'm so beat, I can't walk
I'm really beat
I feel like collapsing.
Hell, I forgot to tell 'em
about the package!
Valery!
I've got to make a call.
Sorry, captain...
I'll be right back...
I got it...
A package, Sunday...
They'll come for it on Thursday...
No problem... We'll put it aside
And mum's the word...
I'm in a meeting... Bye...
Kisses to the geishas!
I'm going for croissants...
3 or 4?
- What time's it?
- 10, to work!
- But I was at it till 6!
- Finished?
I didn't get anywhere.
Like I said, coffee, croissants
and to work!
3 or 4?
6!!!
FOR JACQUES
What the hell is that?
You got to be kidding...
Michel!
Wake up!
- Hurry, come here!
- What is it!
Come see what's on the doorstep, quick!
That's some of a joke!
What is that?
You see, it's a basket
with a baby in it and a letter on it.
Dearest Jacques, here's Marie
the fruit of our passion
I'll be in the States
for 6 months.
Take good care of her
Good luck-Sylvia...
A nice gift from Jacques
to keep us amused...
- What're we gonna do?
- Give Ger back!
- But she went to the states!
- There must be a way.
- Got her number?
- Whose?
- Sylvia's!
- Why would I? Never heard of the girl!
- Don't you know her?
- No way!
If I had to know of all Jacques' girls
I'd be a full-time secretary!
- What're we gonna do?
- Look, she's waking up...
Look, she's laughing...
Now, she's crying!
- Please, she's not gonna start crying?
- It's getting serious.
It's too much!
What are you going to do?
Now she's really crying!
- What's wrong with her?
- Maybe she's hungry.
- Hungry?
- Maybe we should feed her...
- With what...
- Milk.
What has he done to us!
What a bastard!
A little package...
Just put it aside
till next Thursday...
- How can we take care of her?
- Call Jacques' mother.
How could she stop this racket
from 500 miles?
- At least to ask her advice...
- That old harpy!
I can already hear
the questions firing...
What would Jacques do to us
if he finds out we called his mother?
- I could call my own mother...
- Leave our mothers out, please!
I promised Jacques to keep it secret
Let's handle it on our own.
Let our mothers in
and we're stuck for 10 years!
Besides, if a woman stays here
more than a night, I move out.
- We made a deal.
- All right, go and ask the chemist.
Good thinking
Damn! It's closed on Sunday!
- The 24-hour pharmacy...
- I'll go.
You take the baby.
Take the baby!
I've never carried any... I'll drop it!
OK, OK, don't cry...
I'll hold you.
What's the best brand?
It depends on your
pediatrician's prescription...
The pediatrician, of course...
Give me the most popular.
- All brands are popular, they're all good.
- OK, give me that one.
- This one's formula-milk.
- Is that bad?
No, It's very good.
What's the difference?
The formula...
This one's formula-milk too.
So there're several...
First age, or second?
- There are two ages?
- How old is the baby?
Well... It's a baby...
A little baby...
Stop crying!
Will you ever stop?
Please, just go to sleep!
What the hell is that jerk doing?
She seem very hungry.
Please, sleep, baby!
Does she have teeth yet?
- That'd tell us about her age.
- I didn't look.
If she hasn't, she's probably
younger than 6 months now.
- If she has teeth...
- She's older than 6 months!
Not at all, she could very well
have had teeth at 3 or 4 months.
- Oh...
- Then... you need first-age milk.
And still
it depends on the brand!
Some cover 3 months, some 4.
- Other brands...
- How am I supposed to know?
- What's her weight?
- Well... the weight...
Weigh her
and according to her weight...
Never mind...
I'll take both ages.
And see about the teeth.
- Do you want bottles?
- Yes.
The nipples, regular or 3-speed...
Ah, you can shift speeds...
There are different nipples, too?
It's about time!
Here's a package for you
What've you got there?
Oh, it's so cute! Is it yours?
- No.
- It's so adorable.
- Hi! Is it a boy?
- Yes... No, a girl.
What's the baby girl's name?
- It's Marie.
- Isn't that cute, Marie...
- I didn't know you had a baby.
- No, it's not me... mine!
- Pierre's?
- No, Jacques
I mean, not Jacques' either
It's been lent to us
I mean...
she's leaving Thursday.
- But where's her mummy?
- OK, I'll put her to bed.
You?
But where's her mother?
- She'll be back.
- Here's an urgent package. Can I hold her?
What nice fat cheekies!
You can tell she's well-fed.
You're a chubby little thing...
Hey, she's soaked!
It's number 2...
Can I help change her?
Leave it, I'm experienced
Goodbye, Mrs Rodriguez.
There, there, don't cry!
- I'm closing the door.
- Well, I'll come back to see her.
Sure, goodbye.
What a leech!
And that other clown, where's he?
Go on, cry...
For her you smile
but for me it's all pouts.
And who's been hauling you
around for hours?
How do you make a bottle?
First, you sterilize the bottles
Then...
Sterilize? How?
Well, to sterilize a bottle...
What the hell were you doing?
It's been hours!
I've had it, cries incessantly that brat
You're a real asshole!
Hey, you've never
talked to me like that!
What took you so long?
Had breakfast on the way?
- I haven't had a cup of coffee!
- Cut out the act
I had no coffee
The pharmacy took an hour!
- Here! I've got to work.
- Why are you giving her to me?
I can't hold her and make a bottle
And why should I hold her?
That's your business
You found the kid!
That takes it!
You're the Bastard of the Year!
I'd like to point out that I found her
on my way out for your breakfast...
There she goes again...
Better feed her.
It isn't that easy...
First, I must check the teeth.
- Why?
- Food is different according to age.
- We look on top or on the bottom?
- I don't know.
Feel with your finger.
Nothing... She must be less
than 9 months, I'll try first age.
- She's soaked, get any nappies?
- Dammit!
I forgot that!
This time I'll go
It'll be much quicker.
You have the basic pad
the disposable nappy
- with elasticated legs or...
- Give me the most absorbent!
Maxy plus?
My trousers!
What a swine, she did it.
Hand me the cotton.
- Don't let her go!
- Take the cotton yourself, then.
Hold her, for God's sake!
Hold her?
She's hysterical, this kid!
- Get rid of that towel.
- She'll soil the couch.
That shit sticks!
It won't get off easily.
We'd need some kind of lotion...
- Aftershave?
- You nuts?
- Waste Saint-Laurent on this?
- Let's just put on the diapers.
- The tabs go in the front or back?
- Who cares?
Hold her under the arms
I'll try this way.
What's this crap?
They're much too big!
Not at all!
The more absorbent the better.
But how does this work?
- Would you hold her!
- I'm weakening...
I didn't tighten it enough...
- What about laying her down...
- Not there, it's full of shit!
What the hell is the matter
with this diaper!
To think they bug us
all day long
with their TV ads...
Look, this stuff's worthless.
Stick it, it gaps
unstick it, it's a mess.
Let's start again.
Oh, no she's pissing now!
The couch...
What a wretch this kid is!
The second the pad is off
and WHAMO.
It's your fault, too.
These nappies don't fit.
Do you find them
in the fat ladies department?
It's floods for sure
I care about my furniture!
I'll go buy others
Meanwhile, you can clean up the couch.
Fat lady, yourself!
Mr Jacques Duchemin...
Yes, he's a steward...
He's on a flight to Japan...
Yes, a very, very urgent message...
Family problem.
He must call home immediately
because then he's going
to Thailand for 3 weeks
and will be unreachable.
Thank you.
- Maybe she's hungry...
- Already?
Hurry! She's famished.
- Is it done?
- Coming!
God, wet again!
- You can't leave me alone
I can't handle it/-I'm seeing Nathalie.
You really stink!
Me, do I go out?
I've been after
her for 2 months.
Do that and I'm packing!
What a drag you are!
It was tonight or never!
I've got in a real mess...
My partner just called,
I've got to work all night
on a project for tomorrow.
Of course not
I'm not seeing anyone else...
I swear, Nathalie...
I'm not lying...
It's Pierre... listen, I'm ill.
Tell everybody
that I won't be at the agency
till Friday.
Avoid pork, brains
fish, game, duck...
Wait before giving
wine and coffee...
In order to avoid stress
and fatigue, normal diet...
Ah, restricted foods!
Avoid artificial flavored food...
I'm sorry, Mr Porchat
I've got problems.
The drawing won't be ready
before the end of next week.
No, not this one, the one after.
I'm really sorry.
He didn't say what time?
He said Thursday, that's all.
But Thursday is vague
We may rot here till 8 o'clock!
It's OK as long as she goes.
Then it's freedom for us
No more sleepless nights!
He could've called...
He must have our message by now.
He wallows in Thai saunas
while we're up shit creek!
How could he act like this
dumping his shit on us!
We should drag him here
Hell with vacation!
- Bottle time soon...
- What a drag!
- Jacques Duchemin's?
- Yes.
- We've come for the package.
- Some package!
You can tell Sylvia she's a bitch!
- Sylvia?
- Yes, Sylvia!
Dumping on people like that!
- We shouldn't be mixed up in it.
- We didn't know... a mix-up?
How could she just
dump her baby here?
It's okay to leave it here
but Jacques is in Japan
we coped with it all
- I don't understand.
- You could've left a number...
We didn't even know
the kind of milk.
Anyway, now you're here.
She's got a bottle in 45 minutes
It's ready in the basket.
There's a supply of nappies
lotions and everything...
But... It's a real one!
We don't really know her age
but I use 6 measures of powder
for 3 ounces of water.
Here's the box of milk
plus one extra.
Oh! Get it... Powdered milk!
Okay... Good luck.
Wait a sec...
we'll take the basket and the milk
but not the...
I mean, not what's inside?
What's inside?
You take the lot
it's a package deal.
You carry it.
We will go now.
Where are you taking her?
Where it's planned.
Don't you have a number, an address
so we know how she is?
I don't have it on me...
I'll contact you later.
- Good bye.
- Good bye.
- Good riddance!
- To work, at last!
Care of Jacques...
Michel!
- What's this?
- A package, what else?
- Did you get this package?
- Yeah, why?
- When did it come?
- Don't shout!
When did it arrive?
I don't know... on Sunday
Mrs Rodriguez brought it up.
- Oh, my God!
- What is it?
The baby and the package
both came on Sunday!
- So?
- This is the package they came for
- not the kid, you moron!
- What package? What are you saying?
Look out the window
I'll run after them.
Holy hell! Holy smoke!
Holy shit!
- Can you see them?
- There... with the bike...
Wait... Wait!
I'm glad I caught you...
There's a big mistake...
You must give me the basket
It was the wrong package.
- The package you came for.
- Shut up, there's a cop...
If you squealed on us
I'll blow your brains out.
Hello, gentlemen
What're you doing with that?
Were you trying to put the baby
on this motorcycle?
Of course not.
Then why were you attaching it?
They were just watching it for me
while I bought cigarettes.
Registration papers, please.
Give him the papers.
Shit! I left it at home.
Follow me to the station
we'll see about that.
It's bottle time, I've got to go.
Your papers, please.
- Why me? What did I do?
- Show me your ID
I don't have them
I just went out for cigarettes.
To the station, you too.
Let's be serious, I can't take
my passport, voting card
rent book whenever
I go out for cigarettes?
And with a baby, huh?
Anyway, I have to give her
a bottle in 15 minutes
I can't go to the station now.
Stop! Stop!
Let's get to it
I asked for your papers!
Give me a break, officer
I've a bottle to give...
- I live next door...
- Then I'll follow you.
Can't fool me!
Which way?
This way.
So you don't know them?
I told you I don't know them.
But you give them
your baby to watch?
- Just the time to buy cigarettes.
- You go buy cigarettes
and they tie the basket
on their bike?
Can you go prepare the bottle
she's hungry.
- Who's he?
- He's my flatmate
- I see, I see...
- No, 3 of us live together here.
Even better!
Excuse me, please...
I'll go get the bottle.
We've got a real problem.
See this package, it's dope
That's what those guys came for.
If that cop finds it here
we're in for 15 years.
So hide it wherever you want
but it's got to go.
But not completely!
They'll be back for the bloody thing!
And then it's our lives
for their smack!
Let's stick together
Michel, we're in deep.
I picked it up...
It's a collect call
from Bangkok, Thailand.
- Will you take it, sir?
- I accept...
Yes, I'll take it
Jacques? It's Pierre...
Yes, we left a message...
No, no... Nothing special.
We just wanted to hear from you...
Yes, the package came... And went.
Why didn't you call earlier?
A what? A hot deal? I see...
You're lucky... I was saying
you're lucky... you, at least.
Have a nice vacation...
See you in two weeks, bye now.
So, your friend is in Thailand...
He couldn't call before
Because he is onto a hot deal.
And he asks if the package came...
Seems I'm also onto a hot deal!
You'll explain to the chief.
Good morning... What is it?
Nothing... A misunderstanding.
- Did you give her the 5:30 bottle?
- I just did.
- And changed her?
- No, she's wet
I'll do it.
He's a steward...
He often flies to Tokyo.
But why Thailand?
- He can vacation where he wants.
- And he's making a move?
He was talking about some girl
He's very into it.
In your opinion, why did your
baby sitters take off?
I told you I don't know them.
And who's your friend
who just came in?
He's a cartoonist
We share the apartment.
Whose child is it?
Jacques, we're keeping her
because the mother's in the States.
They're separated
I've told you this 10 times.
Okay, honey bun...
Let's go take a good nap.
- A Martini?
- No, thanks.
Don't leave Paris
in the next few days.
- See you soon.
- Good bye, detective.
Come back when you want
you'll always be welcome.
We've no particular plans
to leave Paris...
Good bye.
It's the pits
They'll be on our asses.
- Where's the package?
- Stowed away, don't worry.
Where?
- This way, it's right on hand.
- You crazy?
I put it under the cop's nose
he never caught on!
I told them we're keeping her
until Jacques comes back
we're in for another 15 days!
- And I'm scheduled to work today...
- Hey, don't let me down!
We'll share the work.
Alone with her plus the cops, I'll crack
Take a maternity leave!
Wait till we hear from the gang.
I won't be in for 2 weeks...
Something came up.
Just personal problems.
Okay, put him on.
I can't explain...
I'm in a mess, that's all.
Yes, yes, no, that's not it.
Cool down, I'm coming
but only for an hour.
I have to go to the office
I must go show them my drawings
otherwise they won't pay.
- Right now?
- I've got 2 hours
before her next bottle.
Dammit! I've got to go out too
They want me pronto.
- A contract's pending...
- Go later.
It'll be too late, it's 5 to 6.
Same goes here
my boss leaves at 6:30
I can't anymore...
How did we get into such a jam!
What if we left her at Mrs Rodriguez?
Brilliant!
Let's bring her the basket.
Shit
the cops are already
grilling her!
We can't serve the dope
to them on a platter...
She's just had a bottle, she'll sleep.
Let's leave her upstairs.
What can happen?
She's like clockwork.
She won't budge.
Sure! We'll be right back anyway
Michel, are you Th!
Michel, did you come Al...
What the...
Marie!
Where are you!
My baby!
My precious!
- Come in, sirs...
- Search warrant...
Go right ahead, sirs, it's all there
I see you already had visitors...
But what is it you're looking for?
Probably the same thing
as your visitors.
Didn't the concierge bring you
a package last Sunday?
It was chocolate.
Let's get to work!
Would you mind if I look
in the bed, please?
I'll search the basket
if you don't object...
Please do.
Thank you very much...
Good day...
We regret you didn't find anything.
Thanks, see you sometime, maybe...
Have a safe trip home.
We may find something sooner
than you think, wise ass.
- Pierre! Pierre!
- Careful.
They'll tail us
I bet there are already
two of them downstairs
I'll watch from the window
let's test it.
I was right.
They're there for good
We've got to play tight.
Did you like the new decor?
Watch out, the cops are on us
See you at the meat stand.
We were going to give it to you.
We never tried to cross you moron
but we're being shadowed.
Between 3 and 5 at PARC Monceau...
But the cops will be there, too.
- Think I'm that dumb?
- You microhead
I'll slip you the package!
No risk!
I mean it! I love the kid
get it, scum?
PARC Monceau, between 3 and 5.
Triple shit! What a jerk I am!
Are you off your rocker?
What kind of slob are you?
Is it the latest thing
dumping rubbish?
Inside a trash can in Par Monceau?
- Yup!
- Good for you!
Why are you late?
If you keep...
- Me too?
- Yes.
Only 7 more days...
4 more days...
Midnight...
Only a day and a half to go...
It's tomorrow... Tomorrow
God damn!
Customs... This way, please.
I'm home!
Anybody home?
It's me!
You guys here?
I've got loads of presents for you...
Wake up!
Here you are...
What's that monster?
Here I am...
I've got presents for you...
What's with him?
What's wrong with you?
Why such long faces?
And what's that brat?
Is it because of that?
Well, we'll talk
when you stop sulking.
And what that pigsty in my room?
Are you nuts?
Who the hell wrecked all my stuff?
Answer me, guys!
I paid for the furniture, too
I demand some explanation!
I can demand reparation!
I already asked you about the brat...
I don't want that around.
Women are already out
so family life, forget it!
Listen pal, you sit down
and open your ears up.
You'll soon change your tune.
What is this zoo?
And stop talking to me
like that, all right?
I'm talking like this
because you're a pain!
You have caused all the problems!
You think we like kids
in this house?
But, when it's forced on you
you have to cope with it!
And that package!
And the apartment...
All our stuff is broken!
There's nothing left!
And we're exhausted
We've hardly slept in 3 weeks.
A bottle every 3 hours, 2 at night
plus cops around the clock...
Real hide and seek!
And out of the blue, our hero calls
I'm in Bangkok...
I'm onto a hot deal...
Did the package come?
Coming, it came!
2 of them!
Michel couldn't deliver his drawings
he may lose five thousand...
I couldn't go to the agency
in twenty days!
A real maternity leave!
My partner is screaming on the phone!
We had to juggle the cops
the dealers and the kid...
And without Michel's brilliant idea
of hiding the dope
...in the nappy, hello jail!
- We nearly freaked out!
- They ransack the place
Pierre comes home
he finds it in the toilet.
- Boy, was he in a state...
- That's not the problem.
We've been drowning in bottles, and shit
for three weeks, and we've had it!
What is this?
Cops? Baby?
And who broke in here?
And why two packages?
And who dumped this kid on you?
And why didn't you go to work?
I don't understand.
Why, why... two days with the kid
and you'll understand why!
But who is that damn kid, anyway?
Her name's Marie and you shouldn't spit on
her because she's your daughter!
Can't waste our lives
wiping a baby's ass.
Even if it's yours!
Paul? I brought you back a present...
Can't wait to see you...
Their only solution was
doped nappies, clever, no?
What are you talking about
doped nappies?
Maybe you don't know I've got
a baby on my hands.
Thanks to you!
Call that being a pal?
Have you asked yourself what
I'm supposed to do with the baby?
- Is it your idea of friendship?
- Who's that damned baby, anyway?
I'm warning you, don't insult her.
Damn baby yourself!
It's my daughter!
So don't spit on!
Say, mum, I'm bringing you
a little surprise...
If I tell, it's no surprise.
You will soon find out
I think it'll make you very happy.
The next 4 are ready
It'll last you till tomorrow.
- Alright.
- Tell her to let her sleep a lot.
- Okay.
- If her arse is red
tell her not to listen
to doctor's bullshits.
The only cure is a bottle
of water instead of milk.
In 3 hours, it's fixed
A miracle, a bottom like marble!
Give her water, got it
Pierre says to wash her clothes
with soap flakes.
Where she's going
you'll find soap flakes, no problem!
Rinse 3 times in hot water.
Rinse 3 times...
To help her sleep
we sing two-part lullabies.
- But my mother lives alone!
- She'll sing alone.
All she has to do
is sing her a lullaby.
- Got it.
- And about the nipples.
There're 3 speeds on the nipples!
Always use the slowest.
...Number 1... It's super super important
The slowest, always.
Otherwise it flows too fast
and it's bad for her digest...
I'd better hurry
I'll miss my plane.
- Anyone here?
- There's me.
- And Jacques?
- He went to Nice.
He comes and goes the same day...
What a nerve!
He took Marie to his mother
- I made him 4 bottles of milk.
- What an asshole!
Don't worry, I prepared 4 bot...
This guy's killing me!
- What's wrong?
- He could've called me, at least!
- Sad she's gone?
- Absolutely not! What're you making up?
I'm relieved! Good riddance!
- I prepared 4 bot...
- That lunkhead could've said something...
Unbelievable...
There're such things as phones!
...4 bottles for the trip!
I finally got it out!
God... Marie-Rose, look!
It seems I'm a grandmother.
Let me see her.
God is she cute!
- What's her name again?
- Marie.
Almost like you, Marie-Rose...
God, to think I'm a grandmother...
You could've let me know earlier...
It's incredible...
You never call, never write
never come to see me...
But I'm here now.
Did you see, she smiled at me...
Who's her mother?
Won't you introduce me?
She's gone to the States for 6 months.
So who's taking care
of the baby for you?
Well, I was actually thinking of you...
I thought Maybe you'd like
to have her, till her mother's back.
Yes, of course...
But the fact is that I'm leaving
in 3 days with Marie-Rose
on a cruise to the Caribbean
we're staying with friends.
- Oh.
- See, it's a real chance...
A friend got us a cut-rate
on the cruise...
When will you be back?
I don't know... in 3 or 4 months...
Then I'll be in Bordeaux to see a friends
So, I can't take care of her.
- You've got loads of friends!
- That's right.
The senior citizens card's great...
And I get bored here...
I'm so lonely...
Marie-Rose and I have so much fun.
Remember last year in Marrakesh?
God, we really pigged out.
See Marie, your granny's going
on a trip to the Caribbean.
She'll bring you a big exotic toy.
- You brought her back?
- Yeah.
She's starving,
put the bottle on.
What happened?
Did you have a fight?
Damned senior citizens cards!
- She refused?
- She's leaving for the Caribbean
then to Bordeaux to stay
with friends, then off again.
Has she got friends!
The apple never falls far from the tree.
- What do you mean?
- Nothing.
You're not her son for nothing.
What would she do
in her age than travel.
Old age doesn't exist anymore!
You have to come back, that's final.
I travel, I can't take care of her...
Yes, but you're her mother!
What proves, I'm really her father?
The dates coincide...
That proves nothing.
So you know it?
I don't, so you come back
and take her, Now!
Sylvia!
Sylvia, hello? Hello!
Sylvia... For heaven's sake!
The bitch, she hung up!
She's doing this on purpose!
I will find her, I will!
Don't you have her address?
She got my message through
her agency, and called from a hotel.
She's modeling all over the country
every week a new city
I'll never find her.
Especially now
she must've given
them the word about me.
Good evening, sir... Mrs Rapons
from Second Mother Agency...
Oh, hello
Do come in, do come in.
Step this way.
Wait a minute, please.
Who's that?
A woman Must be the nurse
he found through an agency.
- She wants to see Marie.
- She's sleeping.
Too bad, she's got to see her.
- What are you doing?
- I'm not doing anything.
Don't go in my room
she's sleeping.
Mrs Rapons the nurse...
She wants to see her.
Don't wake her up!
It'll take me an hour to calm her
I know, but she wants to see her!
- I'll go explain.
- Please, I'm begging you, don't go.
- Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
- No, I'll do it.
Want to bet in 15 minutes
she'll slam out of the place?
If you can't even understand
that one shouldn't wake a child
take a refresher course.
Sir, let me remind you
I never wanted to wake her
but only to see her
Slight difference!
It's normal I see the child
I'll be caring for night and day.
Night and day?
You mean you'll be sleeping here?
Of course!
A second mother is a second mother!
- Where will you sleep?
- If you'd please show me to my room...
I don't know where Jacques
wants to stick you...
Maybe in his room...
But I'm warning you
the 3 of us are real studs!
That's not my concern.
It'd be a shame at your age...
if you'd taken chastity vows.
My concern is children
and as for screwing
I've got all I need at home.
With a couple of days off a month
I wouldn't have any problem.
My only interest here is the child
and I can see she needs care.
Oh really?
And why may I ask?
It's quite clear listening to you, sir.
Besides, you're not the father.
Now listen, Mrs Parons...
Ronpas...
- It's Rapons, Mrs Rapons!
- Parons, Ronpas, Parons, hell!
- It's Rapons, Mrs Rapons!
- Rapons, whatever.
The mother one can always tell
who she is
but the father, who knows?
Get off my back!
Never mind!
I won't talk to you.
Show me the kitchen
and the bathroom, please!
- Why?
- To prepare your shopping list.
You don't shop yourself?
No shopping, washing or cleaning
I'm a trained nurse.
We don't need a thing.
Have you sufficient
fruits and vegetables?
We don't give her any of that
Only milk and cereal for now.
It's not enough.
At 3 months
you can begin a normal diet.
- That's bullshit.
- Why?
You can't feed a baby
like an adult!
- How do you know?
- I read books.
The diets doctors prescribe today
are much too rich
I have my own special recipe
Mrs. Purons.
It's Rapons, Mrs. Rapons.
For example, what do you do
when they can't sleep?
I try to calm them down
Sometimes, I give a sedative
I knew it, you cretin!
I said there's no point to this
I will not speak to you
I'm fully trained
I use the methods recommended
by the greatest pediatricians.
Medicine is serious.
Know the song, Medicine's a whore
the chemist's her pimp?
We probably don't appreciate
the same music I like opera myself.
Mrs. Napons, stay one more minute
and I'll break your neck!
- This my house, get out!
- It's Mrs. Rapons!
I've unlimited patience with children
but I'm not qualified
to take care of lunatics.
Good day, and best regards.
I told you... 15 minutes timed.
Listen guys
what are we going to do?
I tried everything
but nothing worked.
My mother went on a trip
Sylvia is in the states
Pierre doesn't want a nurse
no day care.
Mrs Rodriguez's dropped us
since the cops.
Even the cleaning lady ditched us
What do you want me to do?
Want me to take the kid away?
Go to the social worker?
Here come the violins...
Really, what do you suggest?
What I suggest is that since your mother
comes back in 4 months.
Let's not waste energy
looking for solutions.
We'll get organized
the 3 of us will take care of her.
- What's 4 months, anyway?
- Get organized? How?
First, I'm always travelling.
Ask to be grounded
for serious family obligations.
That is out of the question
I chose the job for travelling
I won't stop travelling.
Then it's the social worker, not us
4-hour nights, I've had it!
Take it easy!
You'll ask to be temporarily
grounded and you'll...
No!
And you'll do the 6 to 10 shift.
That's 2 bottles, 2 changes
Plus the shopping after work.
Since I work at home
I'll take 10 to 6
I'll stroll her in the park
but no more house chores
Pierre, you'll do the
6 to 10 PM shift
2 bottles, 2 changes. You bathe her,
supervise the diet, do the wash.
Gonna live like nuns!
And what if she wakes up at night?
- I was sort of thinking of you...
- I don't do nights, no way.
Needless to say me neither.
Bastards! I'm on the longest
8 hours straight!
Nights are out
Let her scream, but without me.
You're a crook.
We give you the easiest shift
the morning when she's all rosy...
We're been on nights for weeks
now you turn up your nose?
She's your daughter, after all!
Are you that horny?
Horny yourself!
I won't ask to be grounded
Piss off!
I don't need you
I'll find a solution on my own.
PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT
- Jacques?
- Oh, hi.
- Anything wrong?
- No, it's all right.
What were you doing
seeing the boss?
I asked to be grounded.
- He said no?
- He said yes, that's just it.
I'm off, she ate well
she's falling asleep.
She's crying... I'll go get her.
Let her cry
She'll stop in 2 minutes.
- Needs to burp.
- She won't sleep if you carry her
I know you let Ger bawl
for hours, but I can't
I never let her bawl for hours!
You'd find any book theory
for not taking care of her.
What a schmuck!
- Get off my back.
- Quiet... It's 10.
It's not your shift, so drop it!
So go to work
I'll hold her for 2 minutes
and then put her back to bed.
Hi, Michel
I just came by for a file...
- Everything okay?
- Fine.
- Then I'm off to work.
- Okay.
- The kid's fine?
- Fine.
You look at me
you smile at me...
You like your little bath...
- Hell, she's crying...
- who?
Nothing... I'll be right back.
It's okay, right?
You are alright, right?
- She's crying?
- Whenever I put her down.
- Maybe she's thirsty?
- No she's teething.
- What am I suppose to do?
- We bought a syrup.
Try to put her down, we'll sing.
This guy's completely nuts!
Are you gonna sing all night?
Oh, a baby...
Sorry.
- Who's that hag?
- Watch your tongue!
Does she have to shout?
I'm the one in charge
give me a break.
Stop fighting, you two
She's sleeping!
As for your little father-knows-best act
Drop it, I've had it!
Right! Same for me!
If you want to argue
let's meet at Pierre's room.
I'm no punching ball!
I'll tell you, the day her Mother
comes back it'll be heaven.
Sorry to intrude
but I'm splitting
I'm no wallflower.
Don't go... don't go.
Just a little argument...
Here I go, back to bed!
Sorry, I don't feel like it anymore.
Bye.
When can I see you
without a crowd?
You're the busy one
You cancel our dates!
Save room for the 3-tier cake
it's from R & M!
Funny, I thought I heard a baby cry...
- Really?
- But it could've been the metro...
Give her a drink?
Stop, he's filled my glass
at least 8 times!
No way, she won't take it
I sure will! But I'm drunk...
- Tell me about Thailand...
- It was wonderful!
Customs searched me...
Two hours in my shorts...
- Excuse me...
- The art world in turmoil...
But where is Jacques?
What the fuck are they doing?
They're preparing dessert.
Come on back, guys
this is boring without you!
I'll go get them.
- Try to put her in.
- Hold your ears!
She must be teething.
We can't let her cry here alone
poor thing...
Watching football, or what?
The guests...
Let's take her outside.
Yes, we can't leave her like this.
- It's a baby!
- I told you I heard a baby.
- What's that baby?
- Who's baby is it?
This is Marie, my daughter.
Your daughter...
You sure?
- Congratulations.
- She's so cute.
- Don't cry, Marie...
- There's too much noise, here.
You won't mind me
turning it off would you?
Give her to me, I'll try.
- If you sit down, it'll be worse.
- Have you had her for long?
A couple of months.
Who's her mother?
She's in the States
she'll be back soon.
Does she always cry like that?
She's just teething
Usually, she's adorable.
And what if you just put her to bed?
It's just a whim.
Put her in bed.
I think little babies aren't
very interesting.
Do you?
So do I, they only begin
to interest me around age 3.
Then you can teach them things
talk... but before that...
Before that, all they do
is sleep eat, cry...
Conversations are limited
I wish babies were the only ones
with limited conversation...
Depends on what you call limited.
In the kingdom of the jerk
the cretin's one-eyed!
- What's that mean?
- Nothing
I'll leave you
to your imperishable talk
I'll get the 3-tier cake, OK?
Nurseries aren't my kick
See you.
Which way you going?
Montparnasse
Want a drink at Select?
- Sure.
- Can you drop me off at Vavin?
Sure.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, where's Clotilde?
Well, since they're all going...
Coming, darling?
Tell Pierre that the jerks are tired.
- Bye.
- See you later, bye.
- I don't know what got into him.
- He was mad, really mad
I may also be a jerk
but the fact is I'm tired.
Let's go
We'll talk to him on Monday.
Here's the wonder...
Leaving?
- We're worn out.
- Where's everyone?
Pity for the cake
but we must go, sorry.
- Never mind, it's okay.
- Good bye.
Can you make some room on the...
Clotilde's plastered.
I'll see her home.
She's sleeping, we sang...
Where are they?
- Gone! Clean the table for me.
- Everyone? Why?
Don't know, they seemed mad
Can you make some r...
Pierre!
Pierre, come see!
They've all gone!
Serves them right!
A bunch of childless dipshits!
- Say, can you make some room for the c...
- They can't stand kids
I can't either, but that's no reason
They're all pigs!
The hell with it!
And Natalie says, It's a whim
put her to bed! She's a headcase!
Speak for yourself!
You shove your kid on us...
Don't push it! My life is work
baby, no sleep, work.
You don't do nights!
I haven't got laid for 6 months.
Forget chasing arse...
At night, I'm too tired to go out.
- When is Sylvia coming back?
- It's been 6 months and 4 days
I'll give her the week
Then, I dump the kid
I hope you'll ball
the hell out of her.
- Don't worry, blood will flow!
- We did what we could!
We can't waste our lives
wiping a baby's ass!
Hi, I'm Sylvia, Marie's mother
I've come for her.
Oh, it's you...
Wait, I'll get Jacques.
Is Marie OK?
In great shape...
She was teething, these days...
Can I see her?
Yes, she's here...
Hi, Marie darling...
Recognize mummy?
She's so changed, so beautiful...
I did it to hurt Jacques
I never imagined I'd miss her so...
Hurt Jacques, I see...
Is he here?
Is Jacques here?
I'll go get him.
Marie's leaving!
So, five bottles...
The small ones, for water...
The brush...
- Do you have a blender?
- A blender?
For bananas, carrots...
She gets them now.
No, I don't.
Well, here's ours.
- Want me to take her?
- No, I'll hold her.
Could you give these to Michel?
- Here are the bibs...
- Thank you.
I put the woolens on the bottom
and the nappies on the top.
- That's what you'll need first.
- Yes, thank you.
- You can come back for the cradle.
- Yes, I will.
- Hand me the pushchair...
- Where are you going to put it?
Give me the pushchair.
- You really put us in a jam...
- I'm sorry.
Really, it's been crazy
for the last 6 months
I'm really sorry.
We can't waste our lives wiping
a baby's arse
I understand.
Now that you're taking her back
let's forget all that.
Alright.
- Have enough money?
- Enough.
- Got anybody?
- I don't need anyone
I live alone
but I've got girlfriends.
Or guys who pass through
No more than one night work is.
Work is more important.
We've got it all
- I've loaded everything.
- Now for Marie.
Here, let's sit!
That's taken care of!
Then I'll be off now
I can't thank you enough.
- Take care.
- Good bye.
Bye, Marie.
- Well, we've done enough.
- More than enough
I forgot to tell her
how to make the baby food.
- She'll get along on her own.
- Right, she will.
- Now the good life!
- Sleeping late...
To hell with being grounded
off I go to Caracas!
I won't leave Nathalie alone
till I get her into bed.
For me, it's Charlotte, Clotilde
Ghislaine, Patricia, Sylvie, Renee.
- There are so many...
- It's really exciting
I've six months of sex
to catch up on.
She forgot her squeaky giraffe...
Natalie! Natalie!
There are lot's of good stuff
I'll tell you slowly.
- Good night.
- Rest tight.
- Good night.
- See you tomorrow.
HAPPY EASTER
- Your profile shot is the best.
- Right.
Don't forgot the client wants
the pictures by tomorrow...
- Tomorrow is really important.
- They're good, no?
- They are.
- It's wonderful.
- Want me to take you home?
- No thanks I've an appointment
I forgot my bag, don't wait.
- See you later.
- Bye.
Still there darling?
Mommy's done with work
You were a super nice girl.
Now let's go home.
You understand don't you darling?
Mommy's got to work.
Now what do mommy
have to do next?
Mommy's going to take off her high heels
and put on her good old shoes
and her good old jacket...
Well that's it.
Now home, for a big din din!
- Take off her high heels.
- It's kind of like Romeo and Juliet...
- I told her something...
- Met a dead end.
This... this...
- You know what this is?
- It was short...
Oh, my feet...
What is this?
Hey, a giraffe...
By the way, have you had any news
from that kid you had?
Actually, I won't be able to...
You put juice and cream?
It's nice of you...
You'll eat it with your girlfriends
I'm with a friend...
I've got something urgent to finish.
It'll take us the night, for sure.
Sorry
I hope you're not angry...
We'll make it up
Kisses everywhere.
They still live here
the 2 guys with the baby?
The ones who had trouble
with the police...
Oh yes, they do
I was on that case...
I quit the force, don't worry.
Do you see, I'm pregnant...
Yeah.
Shall we go out for air?
I wanted to ask them...
- It's been bothering me for a long time...
- What is it?
The dope, it was in the nappy
wasn't it?
- Yes, why?
- I feel better knowing it.
Did you know her?
- Who?
- The baby...
That was my daughter
How did you like her?
I didn't really look at her
but I should have
If I had I wouldn't have been fired!
If I could remake the world
if I were God
I'd make Adam out of Eve's rib.
Not the other way around.
That's an idea.
Why not?
But why?
Things would've been clearer...
No one would of made us believe that
a being came out of our rib.
Because nothing comes out
of a man's rib.
Never...
Just out of our prick... and still
it all remains to be done.
For sure.
To make buildings, planes, cars
that we know how...
It's useful...
It's applied for a job with the
Water & Forest...
Maybe no one made us believe it...
Maybe, we wanted to believe it.
But let's face it.
No one ever comes out of our rib.
The baby was white as snow
And the happy old days...
Tomorrow, San Francisco.
Say hello to the Pacific for me...
I'm flying back the day after.
You'll be in a horrible mood.
Jet lag ruins you, now.
What do you mean, now?
Before, you didn't
Now, it gets to you.
- Before what?
- How should I now?
Before, that's all!
It doesn't get to me at all.
- No more jam...
- I'm not going.
I'm going to work.
Are you eating here tonight?
No, I'm going to the flicks with...
I forgot her name.
- Your Indian?
- No, she's Finn.
But what's her name.
Weird names they have!
Mathilde... Magdeleine...
I don't remember... Ma something
Marie?
Nasty cold I got!
You think I'd bawling all the time
but it's oddly the flu
I don't know what's got into me.
Everything I draw stinks.
- Really? Why?
- I don't know, I feel sluggish.
Me too.
Must be the weather...
All this rain...
Hi, is Sylvia here?
She'll be back in an hour or two
About midnight, she said.
Oh, I see...
Want to wait?
Why not?
- Is Sylvia okay?
- I don't know I'm medical student
I baby sit
This is my first night.
Oh, I see...
I won't wait for her, after all.
Give her this when she comes in.
Sure.
Shouldn't she be sleeping
at this hour?
She cries when I put her to bed
so I let her stay up.
Haven't you got any tight?
Haven't you got any tights for her legs?
Tights? It's warm in here.
- You want me to call them?
- No.
But you should let them know
at least!
No I'm not going
I've had it with travelling.
Hurry up, I'll call a taxi
You can make it.
- Don't you dare call!
- Don't act like a baby!
They won't have time
to replace you.
You'll lose your job!
How will you pay the rent?
I'll wash dishes
I'll move to a bedsit.
What happened?
I'm not going anymore
I'm fed up with their flights...
With women who have the same ass...
With hotel rooms...
Duty free shops make me throw up!
I'd like to know what I live for!
Do you know why you live?
I cooked... Pierre will be here
and cheer you up...
He's already here.
- I didn't hear him.
- I did.
He's in his hole.
Wake up.
It's steak... rare.
Coming, Pierre? Dinner is on.
Let's eat.
Is Jacques here?
I'm freaking out...
- Can't handle it alone.
- Jacques!
Jacques, for god's sake!
My work never ends
My schedule is crazy...
I just did 4 days of posing...
Everyday, my work never...
- I just did 4 days If posing...
- And?
- We'd finish at 3 AM...
- And?
At 5, she'd wake up!
Think how much sleep...
I know. After the 5 am bottle
comes the 8 am.
Without mentioning the cash
for the baby sitters.
And baby sitters leave kids
half-naked and up all night!
That was you, the flowers?
I could've killed that guy!
I can't handle it.
My parents are in Brittany
Anyway, we're at odds.
- The kid needs to go to the park...
- For sure...
Need the time
Everyday... hard to find...
I have to work, I like it
and I need the money.
But to get a job, I need a sitter
You know for the money.
So I work all day and
...not sure I'm taking good care of her.
Yes, you're, don't cry
She looks great.
I'm cracking up...
I haven't slept in 4 days...
She must be teething
and I can't make it.
It's nothing at all
Some syrup will do.
She pulled that on us, too
We lost all our friends for one tooth.
Look at my face...
How can I pose like this?
And what'll do if they don't want me?
You look great, just sleep
At your age, it can all be fixed.
Sleep, sure, but when?
Well, leave the kid with us
a few days and go recover.
We're experienced...
For us it's nothing.
Can I really leave her with you?
Of course you can
come back when you want to.
Take a rest.
I brought her things
for a couple of days...
Isn't she hungry?
Yes, it's time for her bottle
It's in her bag
I'll heat some water
I'll make her bed.
Hey, guys, come see...
- Come look! Here!
- What is it?
Come here and look!