Three Hams on Rye (1950) - full transcript
The stooges are stage hands who also have small parts in a big play. They quickly get on the bad side of the producer. First they fail to prevent a famous critic from sneaking into the audience. Then Shemp accidentally adds a pot holder into a cake they bake as a prop. During the play the stooges (as southern gentlemen) and the rest of the cast spit up feathers during what was supposed to be a serious scene. The critic thinks it's a hilarious satire and the boys are redeemed.
[♪]
Why, that sick,
dirty, filthy rat.
Why...
[GRUNTS]
MOE:
Oh!
What's the idea of pushing
my face in the paint?
I didn't do it.
You did.
I didn't.
You did.
I didn't do it, so there.
Ah!
[GAGS]
Now, get to work.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
Oh, my.
[PAINT CAN CLATTERS]
Moe.
You see, Moe,
I didn't--
Gee, I'm sorry, Moe.
It was just an accident.
Oh, think nothin' of it, son.
Anyone can have an accident.
Why, only last week
I was holding a paintbrush
and suddenly I got a twitch
in my right arm, like this.
[SPUTTERS]
Oh, gee, sorry, kid.
It was that old twitch again.
Ha, ha.
Mm, quite a twitch,
quite a twitch.
You know, I've got an itch
to twitch too.
[CACKLES]
[BODY THUMPS]
[LAUGHS]
Cut it out, will you?
Get up, you.
I ought to murder you.
Why, you--
Wipe that face and get busy.
I'll get busy when I'm ready.
Are you ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
Well, go on.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
There they are.
Let's go and have
some fun with them.
[TONGUE CLICKS]
[WOMEN LAUGH]
Ha, ha. Hello, boys.
Hello.
Hiya, girls.
Say, I thought you boys
had parts in this show.
How come you are not
in your wardrobe?
Ah, we only do a small bit
in the Southern act
in the last scene.
Yeah, Doaks wouldn't
give us a break.
Aw, that's too bad.
I'll bet you'd be great
actors if only you had a chance.
Thou art face to face
with a great thespian lover.
[LIPS KISSING]
[FRENCH ACCENT]
Ah, your eyes are like
two limpid pools of fire
that burn into my soul.
Ah, fair one, come with me
to the Casbahdor.
Mm, this was terrific.
You almost had me swooning.
Step aside.
You call that good?
Get a load of me
spouting Shakespeare.
A rose
by any other name would smell--
And so do you.
I'll have your head
for this.
Your blood shall fill
the streets.
Draw thy sword, knave,
and prepare to defend thyself.
Never lived a Capulet
who could insult a Montague.
En garde.
[EXHALES]
Ah.
[GRUNTS]
Play on, varmint.
Ah. Hiya.
Ah.
[GROANS]
Oh.
Oh.
B.K., I'm terribly sorry,
but the brush. I--
Shut up!
I ought to fire you,
but I need you.
Now, listen.
Nick Barker,
the dramatic critic,
has been panning my shows
for years,
and I don't want him
to pan this one.
So if you see him sneaking in
backstage, throw him out.
And watch
for his assistant too.
But B.K.,
if we throw Barker out,
he'll pan our performance
in tomorrow's paper.
Okay, okay.
Then disguise yourselves.
Then he won't know
who tossed him out.
You can depend on us, B.K.
By the way,
Nick Barker has been known
to disguise himself too,
so if you see any suspicious
characters, give 'em the works.
STOOGES:
Yes, sir.
Ooh.
Oh.
Listen, boys,
we've got to get disguised.
There.
[GRUNTS]
There.
Well.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
[SPANISH ACCENT]
Listen, Mr. Barker,
don't sneak in,
or Pancho's gonna shoot you,
I think.
I'm a bad man.
I-- Ah!
[GUN CLATTERS]
Don't shoot.
Don't shoot.
[LAUGHS]
My disguise is so good
I didn't recognize myself.
My gun.
Ouch!
[GASPS]
Oh. Oh.
I don't think Barker
will recognize me in this.
MOE:
Now, keep your eyes open.
Okay.
Dangeroose Kippawa.
I wonder what that is?
Oh! Oh!
Oh. Oh-ho-ho-ho.
What happened?
Somebody in that room
punched me in the nose.
[FEET SHUFFLING]
That must be Nick Barker.
He's disguised
like a black banana.
We'll get him.
Here.
Follow me.
[BOXES CRASH]
[BOTH GASP]
Shh.
Ooh!
[BIRDS TWITTERING]
[TWITTERING CONTINUES]
Now, let's--
Hey, hey.
Fine time to take a nap.
Remind me to kill you later.
I'll make a note of it.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Ah.
[GRUNTS]
Try to fool us,
Mr. Barker, hey?
LARRY: Oh.
How do you like that, Nickie?
LARRY: Oh.
How do you like that?
[MOE GRUNTS]
It's Larry.
Larry, why didn't you tell us
it was you?
We thought
you were Nick Barker.
I thought you were Nick Barker
and his assistant.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Quiet.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
That must be Nick Barker.
He's trying to sneak in.
Come on.
Get him.
[WHISPERS]
All right.
Hey.
Hi, Mr. Barker.
[GRUNTING]
Oh.
It's B.K.
Hurry up. Get some water.
He's out.
Say a few syllables.
Say something.
SHEMP: All right. Watch it now.
I'll clear him.
How is he now?
[CHOKING]
How is he now?
Women and children first.
[COUGHING]
Sorry, boss.
We didn't see you.
That's the trouble
with you morons.
You didn't see Nick Barker
when he sneaked in, either.
Sitting in the front row
watching the show.
Aw, there must be
some mistake.
Yes, and you made it.
Get the props ready
for the third act,
and don't forget the salad
and the cake.
If I had someone to replace you
in that Southern act,
I'd fire you.
Oh, but B.K...
Maybe he'll change his mind
if we're good in the show.
You get the cake.
You get the salad.
Moe, I've got news for you.
You forgot to buy the cake.
And the salad.
You imbeciles.
Why did you let me forget?
BOTH:
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
[GRUMBLES]
Hey, it's late.
All the stores are closed.
We'll have to whip up a cake
and salad ourselves.
Schnoz.
[CARTILAGE CRUNCHES]
Come on.
Ah.
SHEMP: Oh, oh, oh.
MOE:
Larry, hurry with that salad.
I am.
MOE:
Hurry up with that flour.
I'm hurrying.
Well, dump it.
Take it easy, Moe.
Take it easy.
I'll fix you up in a second.
Come over here.
Well, fix me up.
I'll fix you up now.
Don't worry about a thing.
There you are,
as good as new.
Well, I don't know
what I'd have done without you.
But I do know
what I'm gonna do with you.
Oh.
Why, you...
Oh! See that? Oh!
[GROWLING]
Yeah, I'll murder you.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
I sure fooled him,
didn't I?
Yeah, you...
Oh, let's cut it out.
[CHUCKLING]
[CHUCKLING]
[GRUNTS]
[DISH CLATTERING]
Get the rest of those layers
so I can build the cake.
SHEMP:
Okay.
Mm.
[PUFFS]
That potholder is no good.
Hurry up
and get that frosting.
We've got another cake
to build.
And besides, we've got to get
dressed for that third act.
Okay. Okay.
[UTENSIL CLATTERS]
Ah.
[BAND PLAYING "DIXIE"]
GROUP:
♪ Oh, Janiebelle ♪
♪ Janiebelle ♪
♪ Just plain Janiebelle ♪
♪ But we're all in love with ♪
GROUP:
♪ Janiebelle ♪
And here comes
Miss Janiebelle now.
JANIEBELLE:
Gentlemen.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Miss Janiebelle--
MEN:
Would you all marry me?
Gentlemen, I can't marry
all of you.
But I have it. I just baked
this lovely little old cake
with my own little hands,
and the one who eats
the most cake the quickest,
I'll marry.
[MEN CLAMORING]
I've got to win
this contest.
Oh, you're losing
right now, man.
I'm gonna eat
that cake right up.
Mmm.
[GRUNTS]
Hey, there's something wrong
with this cake.
Shut up.
You want to crab the show?
You gotta eat it.
It's part of the plot.
Punch?
Miss Janiebelle, what do you all
call this delicious cake?
Oh, I calls it
Old Point Comfort.
Excuse me, boys.
Old Point Comfort? Tastes more
like an old comforter.
I get the point.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[MAN GRUNTS, COUGHS]
[GRUNTING]
[GAGS]
[GRUNTING]
[CAKE SNAPS]
[GRUNTING]
[SWALLOWS]
[CAKE SPLASHES IN STOMACH]
[CAKE TEARS]
[GRUNTING]
[CAKE TEARS]
Is it good?
Delicious, you all.
Hah.
[CAKE TEARS]
[GRUNTS, COUGHS]
[CAKE TEARS]
[CAKE CRUNCHES]
Ooh!
[GRUNTS, CLEARS THROAT]
You know, this cake
is as light as a feather.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[SIGHS]
[COUGHS]
[ALL COUGHING]
[LAUGHS]
They're molting.
[LAUGHS]
[COUGHS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[ALL COUGHING]
Boy, is that cake foul.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No.
[MEN COUGHING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Ooh!
Oh. Oh.
Curtain.
[MEN COUGHING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[MEN CHOKING]
Imbeciles.
You've ruined me.
I'm the laughingstock
of all those people.
[WHEEZES]
You're fired.
Uh-oh.
Here comes Nick Barker.
It's terrific.
It's a sensation, B.K.
This is the greatest satire
I've ever seen,
and these boys
are hilarious.
[LAUGHS]
I was just telling them
the same thing.
Yes, sir, I'm starring my boys
in the next production.
[BOTH MUTTERING]
A break at last.
Now I can act.
To be, or not to be,
that is the question.
Here's the answer.
Oh.
[COUGHING]
[♪]
Why, that sick,
dirty, filthy rat.
Why...
[GRUNTS]
MOE:
Oh!
What's the idea of pushing
my face in the paint?
I didn't do it.
You did.
I didn't.
You did.
I didn't do it, so there.
Ah!
[GAGS]
Now, get to work.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
Oh, my.
[PAINT CAN CLATTERS]
Moe.
You see, Moe,
I didn't--
Gee, I'm sorry, Moe.
It was just an accident.
Oh, think nothin' of it, son.
Anyone can have an accident.
Why, only last week
I was holding a paintbrush
and suddenly I got a twitch
in my right arm, like this.
[SPUTTERS]
Oh, gee, sorry, kid.
It was that old twitch again.
Ha, ha.
Mm, quite a twitch,
quite a twitch.
You know, I've got an itch
to twitch too.
[CACKLES]
[BODY THUMPS]
[LAUGHS]
Cut it out, will you?
Get up, you.
I ought to murder you.
Why, you--
Wipe that face and get busy.
I'll get busy when I'm ready.
Are you ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
Well, go on.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
There they are.
Let's go and have
some fun with them.
[TONGUE CLICKS]
[WOMEN LAUGH]
Ha, ha. Hello, boys.
Hello.
Hiya, girls.
Say, I thought you boys
had parts in this show.
How come you are not
in your wardrobe?
Ah, we only do a small bit
in the Southern act
in the last scene.
Yeah, Doaks wouldn't
give us a break.
Aw, that's too bad.
I'll bet you'd be great
actors if only you had a chance.
Thou art face to face
with a great thespian lover.
[LIPS KISSING]
[FRENCH ACCENT]
Ah, your eyes are like
two limpid pools of fire
that burn into my soul.
Ah, fair one, come with me
to the Casbahdor.
Mm, this was terrific.
You almost had me swooning.
Step aside.
You call that good?
Get a load of me
spouting Shakespeare.
A rose
by any other name would smell--
And so do you.
I'll have your head
for this.
Your blood shall fill
the streets.
Draw thy sword, knave,
and prepare to defend thyself.
Never lived a Capulet
who could insult a Montague.
En garde.
[EXHALES]
Ah.
[GRUNTS]
Play on, varmint.
Ah. Hiya.
Ah.
[GROANS]
Oh.
Oh.
B.K., I'm terribly sorry,
but the brush. I--
Shut up!
I ought to fire you,
but I need you.
Now, listen.
Nick Barker,
the dramatic critic,
has been panning my shows
for years,
and I don't want him
to pan this one.
So if you see him sneaking in
backstage, throw him out.
And watch
for his assistant too.
But B.K.,
if we throw Barker out,
he'll pan our performance
in tomorrow's paper.
Okay, okay.
Then disguise yourselves.
Then he won't know
who tossed him out.
You can depend on us, B.K.
By the way,
Nick Barker has been known
to disguise himself too,
so if you see any suspicious
characters, give 'em the works.
STOOGES:
Yes, sir.
Ooh.
Oh.
Listen, boys,
we've got to get disguised.
There.
[GRUNTS]
There.
Well.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
[SPANISH ACCENT]
Listen, Mr. Barker,
don't sneak in,
or Pancho's gonna shoot you,
I think.
I'm a bad man.
I-- Ah!
[GUN CLATTERS]
Don't shoot.
Don't shoot.
[LAUGHS]
My disguise is so good
I didn't recognize myself.
My gun.
Ouch!
[GASPS]
Oh. Oh.
I don't think Barker
will recognize me in this.
MOE:
Now, keep your eyes open.
Okay.
Dangeroose Kippawa.
I wonder what that is?
Oh! Oh!
Oh. Oh-ho-ho-ho.
What happened?
Somebody in that room
punched me in the nose.
[FEET SHUFFLING]
That must be Nick Barker.
He's disguised
like a black banana.
We'll get him.
Here.
Follow me.
[BOXES CRASH]
[BOTH GASP]
Shh.
Ooh!
[BIRDS TWITTERING]
[TWITTERING CONTINUES]
Now, let's--
Hey, hey.
Fine time to take a nap.
Remind me to kill you later.
I'll make a note of it.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Ah.
[GRUNTS]
Try to fool us,
Mr. Barker, hey?
LARRY: Oh.
How do you like that, Nickie?
LARRY: Oh.
How do you like that?
[MOE GRUNTS]
It's Larry.
Larry, why didn't you tell us
it was you?
We thought
you were Nick Barker.
I thought you were Nick Barker
and his assistant.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Quiet.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
That must be Nick Barker.
He's trying to sneak in.
Come on.
Get him.
[WHISPERS]
All right.
Hey.
Hi, Mr. Barker.
[GRUNTING]
Oh.
It's B.K.
Hurry up. Get some water.
He's out.
Say a few syllables.
Say something.
SHEMP: All right. Watch it now.
I'll clear him.
How is he now?
[CHOKING]
How is he now?
Women and children first.
[COUGHING]
Sorry, boss.
We didn't see you.
That's the trouble
with you morons.
You didn't see Nick Barker
when he sneaked in, either.
Sitting in the front row
watching the show.
Aw, there must be
some mistake.
Yes, and you made it.
Get the props ready
for the third act,
and don't forget the salad
and the cake.
If I had someone to replace you
in that Southern act,
I'd fire you.
Oh, but B.K...
Maybe he'll change his mind
if we're good in the show.
You get the cake.
You get the salad.
Moe, I've got news for you.
You forgot to buy the cake.
And the salad.
You imbeciles.
Why did you let me forget?
BOTH:
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
[GRUMBLES]
Hey, it's late.
All the stores are closed.
We'll have to whip up a cake
and salad ourselves.
Schnoz.
[CARTILAGE CRUNCHES]
Come on.
Ah.
SHEMP: Oh, oh, oh.
MOE:
Larry, hurry with that salad.
I am.
MOE:
Hurry up with that flour.
I'm hurrying.
Well, dump it.
Take it easy, Moe.
Take it easy.
I'll fix you up in a second.
Come over here.
Well, fix me up.
I'll fix you up now.
Don't worry about a thing.
There you are,
as good as new.
Well, I don't know
what I'd have done without you.
But I do know
what I'm gonna do with you.
Oh.
Why, you...
Oh! See that? Oh!
[GROWLING]
Yeah, I'll murder you.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
I sure fooled him,
didn't I?
Yeah, you...
Oh, let's cut it out.
[CHUCKLING]
[CHUCKLING]
[GRUNTS]
[DISH CLATTERING]
Get the rest of those layers
so I can build the cake.
SHEMP:
Okay.
Mm.
[PUFFS]
That potholder is no good.
Hurry up
and get that frosting.
We've got another cake
to build.
And besides, we've got to get
dressed for that third act.
Okay. Okay.
[UTENSIL CLATTERS]
Ah.
[BAND PLAYING "DIXIE"]
GROUP:
♪ Oh, Janiebelle ♪
♪ Janiebelle ♪
♪ Just plain Janiebelle ♪
♪ But we're all in love with ♪
GROUP:
♪ Janiebelle ♪
And here comes
Miss Janiebelle now.
JANIEBELLE:
Gentlemen.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Miss Janiebelle--
MEN:
Would you all marry me?
Gentlemen, I can't marry
all of you.
But I have it. I just baked
this lovely little old cake
with my own little hands,
and the one who eats
the most cake the quickest,
I'll marry.
[MEN CLAMORING]
I've got to win
this contest.
Oh, you're losing
right now, man.
I'm gonna eat
that cake right up.
Mmm.
[GRUNTS]
Hey, there's something wrong
with this cake.
Shut up.
You want to crab the show?
You gotta eat it.
It's part of the plot.
Punch?
Miss Janiebelle, what do you all
call this delicious cake?
Oh, I calls it
Old Point Comfort.
Excuse me, boys.
Old Point Comfort? Tastes more
like an old comforter.
I get the point.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[MAN GRUNTS, COUGHS]
[GRUNTING]
[GAGS]
[GRUNTING]
[CAKE SNAPS]
[GRUNTING]
[SWALLOWS]
[CAKE SPLASHES IN STOMACH]
[CAKE TEARS]
[GRUNTING]
[CAKE TEARS]
Is it good?
Delicious, you all.
Hah.
[CAKE TEARS]
[GRUNTS, COUGHS]
[CAKE TEARS]
[CAKE CRUNCHES]
Ooh!
[GRUNTS, CLEARS THROAT]
You know, this cake
is as light as a feather.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[SIGHS]
[COUGHS]
[ALL COUGHING]
[LAUGHS]
They're molting.
[LAUGHS]
[COUGHS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[ALL COUGHING]
Boy, is that cake foul.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No.
[MEN COUGHING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Ooh!
Oh. Oh.
Curtain.
[MEN COUGHING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[MEN CHOKING]
Imbeciles.
You've ruined me.
I'm the laughingstock
of all those people.
[WHEEZES]
You're fired.
Uh-oh.
Here comes Nick Barker.
It's terrific.
It's a sensation, B.K.
This is the greatest satire
I've ever seen,
and these boys
are hilarious.
[LAUGHS]
I was just telling them
the same thing.
Yes, sir, I'm starring my boys
in the next production.
[BOTH MUTTERING]
A break at last.
Now I can act.
To be, or not to be,
that is the question.
Here's the answer.
Oh.
[COUGHING]
[♪]