Three Dark Horses (1952) - full transcript

I tell you, Jim, we gotta
do something about this report.

Three of our delegates
smell a rat.

We'll have to kick them out
and get new ones.

If Egger
isn't elected president,

we'll never be able
to make that oil grab.

You're right. And we've gotta
get that oil by hook or crook.

What we need are three delegates

who are too dumb to think
and who'll do what we tell them.

Now, where do we find such guys?

Come in.

Sorry to disturb you, boss,
but we gotta clean the joint.



It'll only take a few minutes.

That's all right, boys,
you won't disturb us.

Thank you.

Right.
Right.

Oh, come on.

Hey, that's the wall
the boss wants cleaned.

If they're half as dumb
as they look,

I think we've found our men.

Wash the wall
and don't spare the water.

Right.

Get out of here.

Get that squeegee
and get busy, you porcupine.

Ah.

Oh.



Hey, you.

How...

Excuse me, Moe,
I didn't mean it.

Honestly, I didn't.

Okay, okay, kid, relax.

Nothing's gonna happen.
All right.

Where's the sponge?
Here it is.

Oh, thanks.

It's a big one, isn't it?

Ow, oh, oh.

Hey, what's the idea
of sponging on me?

Why don't you
mind your own business.

Oh. Oh!

See that?
Yeah.

There.

Why you...
Oh!

He broke it, he broke it.

Oh!

Hey, you got a hangnail,
you know that?

Hangnail, eh?
Yeah.

You didn't get it all,
there's anoth...

Hey!

Hey, hey, your vacuum
is sucking up all those papers.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You boys are gonna
have to be more...

I...

My toup...

Hey!

My toupee is in your vaccum.

You... You... Oh, it is?

Look, you idiot,
you scalped him.

Yeah.
I'll get it for you,

don't worry.

Don't worry
about it.
But my...

Shemp, hurry up.

I've got it.

Here it is, right there.

Okay, easy, now.
Take it easy.

This thing'll never stay on.

Hold everything.

I'll fix it
so he'll never lose it.

Okay. Wait a minute!

You out of your mind?

You wanna punch a hole
in this man's toupee?

Yow boys are gonna have to pay.

I... I know...
I never had such a...

It's an accident.

I tell you,
take it nice and easy.

Relax.

Never.

Relax.

Never in my life have I had...

Here you are, Moe, here you are.

Shine up that honeydew.

Okay, okay, boys.

That's it.
There, there.

Wh... What's going on?

I tell you...

Steady now.
There it is.

Get it working there.
Right there.

All right, take it easy.
Take it easy.

Wait a minute,
what's going on here?

What are you men...?
You can't do that.

- There you are.
- You look beautiful.

Your own mother
wouldn't recognize you.

To coin a phrase,

"It's your toupee
and you're stuck with it."

Get it? Toupee?
Stuck with it?

There, you idiot.

Mm...

Oh, those stupid idiots.

How dumb can guys be?

Relax, Jim, relax.

They're just what
the doctor ordered.

Hm?

Hey, boys, come here.

Hurry.

How would you boys like
to make a lot of easy money?

You name it, we'll do it.

Good. We'd like you boys
to be delegates

at the presidential convention.

You're a cinch, boss.
We know all about conventions.

We seen 'em on the television.

Show him, boys.

And pep it up like
you're at the convention.

We're at the convention,
we're at the convention,

the halls of bedlam.

The people are moving about us,
impossible to move.

Everyone is shouting
and talking hysterically.

You have to elbow your way
through the crowds.

We scream and holler
and above the dim roar,

our voices blast out:

"Vote for the one and only,

"That fearless, that honest man
of the people,

"by the people, for the people,
and against the people.

So let's vote for..."

Moe, who shall we vote for?

Vote for that ham...

Uh, Hammond Egger.

Oh!
Go on.

The place is a bedlam.

Trumpets are blasting.

They're off and running
around the far turn,

White Socks is out in front.

Cardinal's a-running close by.

The Giant's a-coming up fast.

He's coming again and...
Hey, hey, hey.

You're at the wrong
convention.
Oh.

Hammond Egger wants your vote

Shout his praises
From your throat

You'll eat steak
Instead of stew.

Five, four, three, two

Three, two. Three, two

Hold it, hold it.

L'm-a demand a recount.

What's the delegate's name?

Geronimo from Rico Puerto.

How many votes?

Two.
Two?

Yeah, two.

You got your recount.
Get out of here.

The convention
is getting out of control.

Will the sergeant at arms
please clear the aisles?

Order, order.

I'll take a steak
and French fries.

You're out of order.

Get out of here.

We're going to this convention
like soldiers.

Fall in.

Right shoulder, arms.

About-face.

Get over here.

Get around, will ya?
All right.

Now, about-face.

Why, you...

Come on, come on.

Oh, are my feet sore.

I'm all in.

You know, a guy takes a terrible
beating at these conventions.

I'll say.

Hey, I'm glad room service
sent the food up,

I'm dying for a cup of coffee.

Me too.

Pour me some coffee too!

Oh, my foot is killing me.

Be quiet.

Fido, be quiet.

Oh, is that foot hot.

Ah, ah.

Here's your coffee, Shemp.

Oh, thanks.
Thanks, Larry.

You know, Larry,
I was just thinking.

It's a lucky thing we found out
Hammond Egger is a crook

before we voted for him.

Yeah, and won't Wick burn
when he finds out

we're not gonna vote
for his candidate.

Say, boys, we better caucus.

Not me. All day long
we had a rump session,

and now you want me to caucus?

I'm gonna have my coffee.
Go caucus yourself.

Ah.

Well, I'll fix that.

I got a hot eye. I've heard of
hot feet, but never a hot eye.

Well, I'll fix this all right.

I'll fix this.

There we are.

That's better.

Hey, fellas, I finished
my nomination speech.

Listen.

"Mr. Chairman,
ladies and gentlemen,

fellow degenerates..."

Uh...

"uh, delegates.

"In these sordid
and morbid times

"when our national economy
is at stake

and steak
is 3 dollars a pound..."

"there is a crying need for
a man of destiny to step forth.

"What our country needs
is tax reform, and land reform.

"Instead,
all we get is chloroform.

Shall we continue
to remain asleep?"

Pay attention.
Can't you read the sign?

Who's smoking?

Get out of here.

"Washington freed the country,

"Lincoln freed the slaves.

Our candidate will free
the working man from work."

Hey, hey, watch it.

Hooray.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, gentlemen.

"From now on, there will be
a two-hour week."

Hey!

What's the matter with you?

Oh, that two-hour week,
that got me.

That two-hour week,
that's for me.

Don't be a chump, you chump.

You can't believe
all that stuff.

That's a campaign
promise. Come on.

Now, then.
Yes?

Where was I?
Oh, yes.

"Therefore, delegates,
it is my, extreme honor

"to nominate
as our next president,

Abel Lamb Stewer."

Abel Lamb Stewer!

Hooray!

Abel Lamb Stewer!

Vote for Lamb Stewer!

Vote for Lamb Stewer!

Everybody get on
the bandwagon for Stewer!

Hurrah for Stewer.

Go Stewer.

We want Stewer.

Yay! Vote...

Now look at the mess you made.

You made it too.

Well, so I did.

Hey, porcupine, come on,
let's clean the place up.

I better wash up.

Say, it must have been
an awful job

to cut all these
little pieces of confetti up

with a scissors.

With a scissors? They don't use
a scissors, you dope.

No?
No, a razor blade.

Oh.

How much money did Stewer's
manager give you for your vote?

- Fifteen hundred dollars.
- So we can buy a yacht.

And go fishing.

Yeah, you got worms?

Yeah, but I'm going anyhow.

Say, something smells strong
around here.

Well, don't look at me,
I changed my socks yesterday.

Congratulations.

Hey, let's eat.
I'm hungry.

Me too.

I could eat a horse.

Don't look at me.

I said a horse, not a jackass.

Go on, got busy.

Okay.

What are you screaming about?

Go on, carve the turkey.

I can't.
This thing isn't cooked.

How do you know?

I jabbed it with a fork

and it hollered help.

Stand aside, lamebrain,

I'll carve it.

Nyah.

It's haunted.

What are you trying to do,
starve me? Get over there.

Why don't you quit playing?

Carve that turkey.

I'm scared to touch it.

Scared? You're crazy.

Look at that beautiful breast.

No wonder you can't
carve it, it's ticklish.

Hey, maybe a little seasoning
will tenderize it.

Pass me the black pepper.

That ought to do it.

Gesundheit.

Hey, fellas, I got an idea.

I'll stuff the turkey
with crackers,

let them soak up the gravy,

then we eat the crackers.

Smart boy.

Let me fix that,
you're losing it.

Hey, we better hurry

because if we
don't get there in time,

we'll miss the whole...

That's funny.

I had a cracker in my hand,

and before I knew what happened,

the...

Quit stalling.

How about those crackers?

I can't do anything.
This turkey keeps grabbing

the crackers out of my hand.

You're crazy. The next thing
you'll tell me it's walking.

Nyah.

Wait a minute, I'll kill it.

I'm sorry, Moe.

Why, you...

Where'd he go?

He went thataway.

I'll get it.
Look out.

Hey, fellas, we gotta rush back
to the convention.

Ow.

Come on, we better hurry up.

Yeah.

Let's go.

All right.
Come on.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What are doing?

What do you mean,
what am I doing?

And now to recap the voting,

this is the 65th ballot
and the score is tied

between Hammond Egger
and Abel Lamb Stewer.

There's some excitement
on the floor,

ladies and gentlemen,
just a minute please,

until I check on it.

Where are those three idiots?

Why don't they cast their votes?

That'd put us over.

The three delegates from
the 8th, 9th, and 10th district

have just cast their votes.

Oh, boy, that's us,
we're in the bag.

A great upset, a great upset.

The three delegates,
who were committed to Egger,

have switched their vote
in favor of Stewer.

Stewer is the nominee
for president.

Those dirty,
double-crossing rats.

Come on.

Wow.

Boy, oh, boy,
we sure put that over.

Yes, sir.

We're gonna be set for life.

To say nothing
of the dough we got.

We'll be members of the cabinet.

Yeah, I'll make you
Secretary of Offence.
Thanks.

And you,
Secretary of the Inferior.

Thanks.

And I'll be Toastmaster General.

If you live long enough.

That's a nice crack to make.

I didn't say anything.

Me either.
But I did.

Why don't you mind
your own business?

Then we'll all get...

Nyah!

You... Come on.

Now I've got you.

Come on, open up that door.

Open up.

They won't open it.
Let's break it down.

One, two, three.

We took care of them.

Dunk 'em, boys.

Get down there.

Hey, shouldn't be a total loss,

let's take a bath.

Okay.
Good idea.

Okay.

Here, here, will you scrub my...

Here, take this, will you?

All right, right under here.
Right there, give it to me.