¡Three Amigos! (1986) - full transcript
Three out of work silent movie actors are accidentally drawn to a Mexican village that is being harassed by a gang of outlaws. The three, 'Ned', 'Lucky Day' and 'Dusty Bottoms' play 'Lone Ranger' types in their movies, but must play their parts for real now.
One for each other and all for one
The three brave amigos are we
Brother to brother and everyone
A brave amigo
Wherever they need us,
our destinies lead us
Amigos, we're always together
Wherever we go,
we're three brave amigos
And will be amigos forever
We are the Three Amigos
We are the Three...
A...
.. migos!
And amigos forever we'll be
Rodrigo.
Rodrigo, we will find
the men we need in there.
Señores, we are from
the village of Santa Poco.
We have come here
for your help.
A very great injustice
is being done.
A man named El Guapo
is threatening our very lives.
We are looking for men who are brave enough
to stand up to this tyrant.
Señorita!
Perhaps I can be
of assistance.
I'll help you.
But first you're gonna help me,
darling.
No!
- Leave him alone! Rodrigo!
- Get out of here!
Come!
They are no better than El Guapo.
They will not help us.
- No one will help us!
- Rodrigo, you must have faith!
The Holy Mother will help us!
With three men such as these,
El Guapo would not dare to enter our village.
Goldsmith Pictures,
Hollywood, California.
The Three Amigos, Goldsmith Pictures,
Hollywood, California.
Ami...
gos.
We have seen your deeds
and think you are very great.
We can pay you
100,000 pesos.
100,000 pesos?
We do not have 100,000 pesos.
Don't worry, Rodrigo,
they will refuse it.
But it would be an insult
not to offer it to them.
100,000...
pesos.
100.000 pesos
if you come to Santa Poco...
and put on a show of your strength
and stop the... the horrible...
- evil, murdering...
- villainous monster, El Guapo.
So that once again we
can be a peaceful village.
23 pesos.
We only have 10.
Okay.
I give you the 10-pesos version.
"You are great."
"100,000 pesos...
if you come to Santa Poco...
put on show.
Stop the...
I'll put "infamous El Guapo."
- Infamous?
- Yes.
It means "murderous, evil"...
all like you said.
- And it will save you money.
- Thank you.
We've got to get back
to basics.
"Shooting for Love".
"Wanderers of the West".
"The Ride of the Three Amigos".
All the great Amigo pictures
had one thing in common:
Three wealthy Spanish landowners
who fight for the rights of peasants.
Now, that's something everyone likes.
It's a people idea.
It's a story a nation
can sink its teeth into.
But then came
"Those Darn Amigos".
A box office failure.
Nobody went to see it...
because nobody cares
about three wealthy Spanish landowners...
on a weekend in Manhattan.
We strayed from the formula,
and we paid the price.
I thought
we were quite good in it.
Good? We were great!
Why don't you tell the boys
about the Cochise picture, Morty?
Sandy and Irving
are working on it right now.
You meet Cochise.
At first, you think he's a terrible guy.
You fight.
Then, you get to know him...
you come to respect each other,
and at the end of the picture, you're friends!
We send you boys to Baja
and we shoot the picture in eight clays.
What do you think?
That'll be the clay.
- What did he say?
- He said, "That'll be the clay," Mr. Flugleman.
What?
I don't think you understand
who you're talking to here.
We have a few items
we want to straighten out first...
or you might be looking
at three actors
who really don't feel like
making a Geronimo picture.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- Lucky, I think maybe we should...
What we're talking about is money,
real money. Amigo money.
No dough, no show.
Bays! Boys...
Let me just say one thing:
It'll be a cold clay in hell...
when Harry Flugleman
lets an actor tell him what to do!
Do you know
what the word "nada" means?
In all those Mexican movies you made,
did you ever hear that word?
- Isn't that a light chicken gravy that you...
- It means "nothing"!
"Zero, zip"! It's what you're gonna have
when I'm through with you!
You hit Harry Flugleman
on a bad clay!
I'd like to continue to work for free,
Mr. Flugleman.
Are you living
in the studio mansion?
- Yeah...
- Not anymore, you're not. Sam!
- The Amigos are out of the mansion.
- Where did you get those clothes?
From a movie?
Yeah, the studio gave them to us.
"Those Darn Amigos".
Well, we're taking them back.
Sam!
Get wardrobe over here right away.
Take the Amigos' clothes.
Wait a minute!
You can't take our clothes.
You gave us these clothes.
They were presents!
Come on, wait a minute!
Lucky!
Wait a second!
I think you misread who you're talking to here.
Misread?
I want these schmucks
off of my lot.
Your asses
have just been streamlined!
The Three Amigos are history!
Okay! Okay!
Okay!
And Mr. Flugleman says
you're not to come back on this lot ever!
Look, boys, I know show business.
Something always turns up.
Telegram for the Three Amigos.
"Three Amigos, Hollywood, California.
You are very great."
"100,000 pesos
to come to Santa Poco...
put on show.
Stop.
The infamous El Guapo."
What does that mean?
"In-famous"?
Dusty»-
in-famous is when
you're more than famous.
This man El Guapo is not just famous,
he's in-famous.
100,000 pesos to do a personal appearance
with this guy El Guapo...
who is probably the biggest actor
to ever come out of Mexico!
Wow! The in-famous?
In-famous?
Wouldn't it be easier if we went to Flugleman
and asked him for our Amigo costumes?
No, Flugleman hates us right now.
He's never gonna give us our costumes.
Lucky's right.
This is the only way.
Hey! You two!
You! You! Two! Look here!
Hey, you, look! Up here!
Look up here, look up here,
look up here!
Hey, you, look! Up here!
UP here! Up here!
Hey, you guys!
This way!
Turn on the lights.
Hey, what's going on up there?
Let's go, Amigos.
I'm looking for a man
by the name of El Guapo.
Do you know this man?
- Perhaps, señor.
- Hey!
Where'd you get
that pretty little gun?
El Guapo will be interest to see me.
I have something he wants.
Hey, I'm talking to you!
Where'd you get
that pretty little gun?
I'm meeting
some friends of mine here.
When they get here,
tell them to wait.
- How will I know them?
- You will know them.
You will most certainly
know them.
Hey.
Why don't you come over here
and sit on my lap?
I wanna show you
something, honey.
Anyone else with a comment?
Some friends of mine
will be coming here.
I hope you will show them more courtesy
than you have shown me.
They aren't as kindhearted
as I am.
Looks like somebody's been down here
with the ugly stick.
Let's go.
Uh, excuse us.
We're not Mexicans.
We're from out of town.
We were wondering if you could tell us
where the best hotel in town is.
- There's no hotel in this town.
- Great. No hotel.
I could kill somebody!
Excuse me. You are the...?
Yes, we are.
- We have heard of you.
- No kidding.
I have a message for you.
The German says to wait here.
Mmm, yeah.
Well, so long as we've got some time to kill,
I think I'll have a beer.
We don't have no beer,
just tequila.
- What's tequila?
- It's like beer.
- Is it fattening?
- Fattening?
Forget it. If it's like beer, we'll have some.
Three tequilas!
Sure. Sure, amigos.
Enjoy yourselves.
But try not to get into
too much troubles, okay?
Thank you.
- It's an odd taste, isn't it?
- It's probably watered down.
There's something about this place.
Everybody seems so grim.
Well, they're just intimidated.
They've only seen us on the big screen.
Hey, we're just folks like you.
Just relax.
Dusty, go on over to that piano.
- Oh, no. I haven't played in so long.
- Come on!
I couldn't, really.
- Been a long time.
- All right, we'll do a little number for you.
But remember, we're a bit rusty,
so bear with us.
- Just like the old clays.
- All right!
Maestro?
Everybody!
Hey, great!
- What did I tell you?
- Yeah, they loved us.
- What is that?
- It's a plane.
Not just any plane.
It's a Tubman 601.
I flew one in
"Little Neddy Goes to War".
- What's it doing here?
- I think it's a mail plane.
- How can you tell?
- Well, didn't you notice its little balls?
The little balls hanging down.
The little... The balls.
The mail plane.
It's a "male" plane.
And the balls...!
That's... That's...
Let's go find out
where we're supposed to be.
Okay.
Hey!
Look at the little sissies!
This town
is getting too rough for me.
Carmen, the Three Amigos!
I saw them coming out of the cantina.
- You are the Three Amigos?
- Yes, we are.
Told you
we were big down here.
Come.
We will take you to Santa Poco.
- Oh, great!
- Fine.
This is our village.
Isn't that the Three Amigos?
Do you think they can protect us
from El Guapo?
- Welcome to Santa Poco.
- Here you go.
Dusty Bottoms.
Can I have your watch
when you are dead?
What did he say?
That's good. Very good.
We are honored
to have you in our home.
Do you have anything
besides Mexican food?
Lucky, how's this show
supposed to work anyway?
Well, I talked to Rodrigo tonight.
He's the kid.
He was kind of hazy
on the details.
But as far as I can figure,
El Guapo's coming in a clay or two.
He rides in,
acts like he owns the place.
We come out, put on a big show,
and pretend like we run him off.
It's pretty much what we did in
"Shooting for Love".
Hey, Lucky. What are you gonna do
with your share of the money?
A car.
A big, shiny, silver car.
I'll drive all over Hollywood,
show Flugleman a thing or two.
What about you?
New York. Maybe Paris.
A lot of champagne.
Parties.
- Be a big shot for a while.
- Yeah...
How about you, Ned?
I'm gonna start a foundation
to help homeless children.
That occurred to me to do that
at one point, too.
I meant that I would do that first,
and then I would get a big, shiny car.
Or after I come back...
Hey, let's go
get some more tequila.
El Guapo,
he said to wait here.
By the time he's here,
we'll be back.
Let's go to Santa Poco.
They'll be glad to see us!
Which one do you like best,
Carmen?
I like the one
who's not so smart.
Which one is that?
Sooner than expected.
I must warn the Three Amigos.
They are coming!
They are coming!
- Who?
- El Guapo and his men.
Already?
Well, we'll start
to get ready then.
They want us
to do the show now.
- Great! I thought we were going to rehearse.
- Obviously not.
So what? They've probably done it a
million times, and we know what we're doing.
Looks like there's about
three of them.
Perfect.
Rodrigo said there'd be 50, now there's three.
- They better not try to cut our money.
- Where's our tequila? We're waiting!
Say, those guys
look pretty good.
Are you kidding?
They're doing every cliché in the book.
We'll give them about 30 more seconds.
I hope those horses they got for us are okay.
If I have to come into that cantina,
somebody's gonna die!
Okay, Amigos, this is it.
Ned, big smile.
- Dusty, just relax and have fun with it.
- I'm just gonna have fun with it.
- I'm Lucky Day.
- I'm Ned Nederlander.
I'm Dusty Bottoms,
and together we're...
the Three Amigos!
LEES
Well, you slime-eating clogs!
You scum-sucking pigs!
You sons
of a motherless goat!
"Son of a motherless goat"?
And who are you?
Wherever there is injustice,
you will find us.
Wherever there is suffering,
we'll be there.
- Line.
- Wherever liberty is threatened, you will...
Wherever liberty is threatened,
you will find...
the Three Amigos!
- Who are these monkeys?
- I don't know!
Should we kill them?
No, let's go tell El Guapo
what we've seen here.
And stay out!
- Nice show.
- Not bad for a matinee.
- Damn it, I forgot a line though.
- They'll never pick it up. They'll never notice it.
They're really starved
for entertainment around here.
I'm telling you,
I've been in this situation before.
Ask for the money now,
while they're excited.
You were magnificent!
We were okay.
- Then what happened?
- Then, they got on their horses.
They rode all over the town,
shooting their pistols up in the air.
And they called us scum-sucking pigs!
Us!
What should we do, El Guapo?
Tomorrow,
I will take 50 men with me...
find these three gringos,
open their stomachs...
grab their intestines,
and squeeze the shit out of them!
Perfect!
Do you have a girlfriend
back home, Dusty?
No.
We never really had time
for that sort of thing, being so busy.
Have you ever kissed a girl?
Oh, yeah. Sure, lots of times.
Would you like to kiss me?
Yeah.
Well?
What, now? Here?
We could take a walk,
and you could kiss me on the veranda.
Lips would be fine.
One time Dorothy Gish
was visiting me on the set...
of "Little Neddy, Grab Your Gun"...
and she came up to me...
and she looked me in the face -
and I had never met her...
I'd just known her from the films.
You know, Dorothy Gish...
Lillian's sister...
And she looked me in the eyes,
and she said:
"Young man, you have got it."
And...
Dorothy Gish!
It's a true story.
Next time we come here,
I'm gonna ask for a different room.
Amigos, El Guapo himself is here,
with all his men, just outside the village.
I have your horses waiting.
You must ride against them now.
What is she talking about?
I don't know.
Looks like we got
another show to do.
- Great. Yeah.
- Let's get it over with.
LEES
They are so brave.
It's a pleasure working with you.
Well, you dirt-eating
piece of slime!
You scum-sucking pig!
You son of a motherless goat!
- Who are you?
- Wherever there is injustice...
you will find us.
Wherever there is suffering,
we'll be there.
- Tell us we will die like clogs.
- What?
Tell us
we will die like clogs.
- You will die like clogs.
- No, we will not die like clogs!
We will fight like lions.
Because we are...
the Three Amigos!
Ride, caballeros!
Ride, Amigos!
I like these guys.
They are funny guys!
Just kill one of them.
Hold it! Hold it!
Lucky, jeez, are you all right?
- What happened?
- I don't know.
- Here.
- Jeez...
Jeez...
What? What?
Wait a second.
Let me see that.
Come on, come on.
Oh, great! Real bullets!
I'll keep this.
You're in a lot of trouble,
mister!
Excuse me.
It's real.
What?
Uh, this is real.
- You mean...?
- Yes.
They're going to kill us.
What am I doing in Mexico?
- I've been shot already.
- I know.
What are we gonna do?
We're not gonna get paid,
that's for sure.
Let me talk to them,
man to man.
Yes.
Mr. Guapo...
I'd just like to say,
on behalf of the Three Amigos...
... we're very, very sorry..
And we'd like
to go home now.
You see, sir...
we're not gunfighters.
We're movie stars.
- Movie stars?
- Yeah, actors, uh, entertainers.
- You know, we sing and dance.
- Yeah, you know...
Don't you want
to die like clogs?
Well, if there's any way
of avoiding that part of it...
El Guapo only kills men.
He does not kill crying women.
So go...
you big movie stars.
- Thank you.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Faster!
People of Santa Poco...
you were very foolish
to bring men to try to stop El Guapo.
You have hurt me.
You see, Jefe?
A rose can bloom in the desert.
Jefe!
Santa Poco is no longer
under my protection!
The town is yours, muchachos!
El Guapo!
Afternoon.
- We'll just get our things and go.
- There is nothing of yours here.
El Guapo has taken everything.
Sorry.
Did you see a pair of cuff links?
- They were mother-of-pearl...
- Dusty...
- Where's Carmen?
- El Guapo has taken her, too.
- Let's go back to Hollywood.
- The sooner, the better.
- It's too hot down here.
- Bad for my hay fever.
- We don't belong down here anyway.
- Where's Ned?
- Ned, what are you doing?
- What do we have to go back to?
We've no jobs. No money.
No place to live.
No friends.
No women.
- No self-respect.
- Oh, hold on. Wait.
Ned, we could get killed.
Back there, the Three Amigos
are already dead.
Here we could be
the Three Amigos for real.
I'm drawing a line.
Men or mice? What'll it be?
Let's ride!
- Great job catching the food, Ned.
- Oh, thanks, Lucky.
How do you like your bat,
Dusty?
- Medium rare.
- This should do it.
Thanks.
How far do you think we rode
before we had to go back and get directions?
Just three or four miles.
- Ned, read those instructions again.
- All righty.
All right...
We go east...
through the desert
until we come to the singing bush.
The singing bush?
When we find the singing bush,
we say the magic chant...
each fire one shot in the air, and that
will summon the invisible swordsman...
and he will then show us the way
to El Guapo's.
- Want your wings?
- No, I'm fine.
- Here you go.
- Oh, great. Thanks.
Good night.
Look at the little fella.
He's tuckered out already.
- What was that?
- It's just a coyote.
- I've never slept outside before.
- Take it easy. Take it easy.
Dusty»-
Night, Lucky.
- Night, Dusty.
- Good night, Ned.
Good night, Ned.
Good night, Ned.
- Good night, Lucky.
- Good night, Dusty.
Lip balm?
Excuse me...
Are you the singing bush?
Let me talk to him.
Excuse us!
Are you the singing bush?
- Hello?
- Hi!
Hi!
Excuse us!
Hey!
Forget it.
My guess is this is the singing bush.
- Let's go summon the invisible swordsman.
- Summon the invisible swordsman?
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Now let me see here.
We each have to fire
one shot in the air...
say the magic chant,
and the invisible swordsman will appear.
Neddy!
Dusty.
Great!
You've killed the invisible swordsman.
- He's dead, all right.
- How was I supposed to know where he was?
You were supposed to fire up.
We both fired up!
It's like living
with a six-year-old.
Now we'll never find El Guapo's.
He was the only one
who could show the way! We're lost.
It's the Tubman 601
we saw in Diablo.
I'll bet it's going to El Guapo's.
Mount UP!
It means, "Get on your horses."
Carmen,
today is El Guapo's birthday...
. and tonight,
you are to be El Guapo's woman.
I would sooner die.
Let me prepare you for the way
El Guapo makes love.
Tell me, Carmen,
do you know what foreplay is?
- No.
- Good. Neither does El Guapo.
Jefe, the German arrived yet?
Not yet, El Guapo. Many presents
have been coming for your birthday.
The German
has the only presents I want.
Guns! Guns, so that the name of El Guapo
will be hanging on everyone's lips.
He will be here, Guapo.
But I think you will like
your other presents, too.
I have put many beautiful piñatas
in the storeroom...
each of them filled
with little surprises.
- Many piñatas?
_ Oh! YES,
Would you say
I have a plethora of piñatas?
- A what?
- A plethora.
Oh, yes, you have a plethora.
Jefe, what is a plethora?
- Why, Guapo?
- Well, you told me I have a plethora...
and I just would like to know
if you know what a plethora is.
I would not like to think that a person
would tell someone he has a plethora...
and find out that,
that person has no idea...
what it means
to have a plethora.
Forgive me, El Guapo.
I know that I, Jefe...
do not have your superior intellect
and education.
But could it be that, once again,
you are angry at something else...
- and are looking to take it out on me?
- Like what, Jefe?
Could it be because
you are turning 40 today?
No...!
Could it be because Carmen chooses
to sleep in her cell instead of with you?
Why don't you just take her?
When you want cattle,
you take the cattle.
When you want food,
you take the food.
When you want a woman,
you just take the woman.
- Why don't you just take her?
- Jefe...
you do not understand women.
You cannot force open
the petals of a flower.
When the flower is ready,
it opens itself up to you.
When do you think
Carmen will open up her flower to you?
Tonight, or I will kill her.
El Guapo!
There is the German now,
right on time.
We must make him welcome.
Hold!
This way, boys.
Sta)'-
Down.
My God!
We're gonna have to figure out a way
to get inside.
It looks impossible.
Lucky, those walls are 25 feet high.
There's a guard at every post.
- There's no way we'll ever get in there.
- I think Dusty's right.
Well, we're just gonna have
to use our brains.
- Damn it!
- Damn it!
El Guapo!
Here come the guns!
Jefe, what's his name?
- That's Paco.
- Paco!
Take off your hat!
Hold it up!
Higher!
You lived up to your promise!
You will be my guest at the celebration today.
A little party
my men are throwing for me.
LEES
- This is where we'll climb up.
- What about that guard?
- I'll throw a rock and distract him.
- Okay.
But I would throw it out there somewhere,
maybe toward that tree.
Try and hit that...
No, in the dry riverbed.
There's...
LEES
You like it, El Guapo?
Seize him!
So far, so good.
What was that noise?
I do not know.
I have three demands.
One, that you stop harassing
the people of Santa Poco.
Two, that all the land of Mexico
be redistributed equally among the people...
and a proportional system of government
be established...
consisting of three separate,
but equal, branches:
The legislative, the executive,
and the judicial.
And three, that the girl Carmen
be returned to me unharmed.
Amigo, why you come here?
You don't belong.
Now we have to kill you.
- Take him away.
- Excuse me, did you say kill me?
You see, under my system, you would
no longer be under the thumb of El Guapo...
but you would be free
to determine your own destiny.
You see, under a strong federal system,
you would have certain rights.
For example, owning property.
You two could have
a beautiful little castle on the mesa.
You know, I can see it now, with your
little bandidos running everywhere...
playing in the yard.
- We have a plan.
- What is it?
- First, we break into El Guapo's fortress.
- And that you've done. Now what?
Well, we really didn't expect the first part of
the plan to work, so we have no further plan.
Sometimes you can over-plan
these things.
So give me a second to talk to Lucky,
and I'll get back to you.
Wait!
There's a guard outside the door.
Quick!
You must dress in his clothes.
Then, you will be able
to move freely in the courtyard.
Good idea.
Easy!
Come and get them, guerito!
So, I just wait here then?
Okay, you go get the horses.
Meet us out front.
That's a good plan.
Thank you.
Rodriguez!
A toast... to El Guapo!
Today... he is...
33 years old!
On behalf of myself...
Jefe...
and the rest of the boys...
we chipped in
and got you this gift.
Conchita!
What can you say
about such men?
It's a sweater!
Jefe!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it! Gonna make it!
Gonna make it! Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
I made it!
My men...
my compadres...
what we have done,
we have done together.
I know each one of you
like I know my own smell!
- Carlos!
- Carlos!
We fought together
the priests of this mission.
- Pedro!
- Pedro!
We crushed the federales
on the plains of Oaxaca.
- And you...!
- José!
José!
- Together, we...
- burned the village!
Burned the village!
- And, uh...
- Raped the horses!
Raped the horses!
And we...
- rode off on the women!
- Rode off on the women!
- And, uh...
- We plundered!
Plundered!
- And, uh...
- Pruned!
Pruned the, uh...
- the hedges...
- Hedges...
- Of many small villages!
- Of many small villages.
Who the hell are you?
Another one
of the goddamn gringos.
Take this monkey away!
Put him with the other Yankee maricón.
What is happening around here today?
Are gringos falling from the sky?
Yes, El Guapo.
Now we have all the Amigos.
Take them away.
One moment, please.
- I know who this man is.
- You do?
Yes, it is Ned Nederlander.
Who?
You... You...
You...
You are my favorite star
of the silver screen!
Really?
In Germany, the cinema is very popular!
I have seen all of your films.
Including when you were known as
Little Neddy Knickers.
Well, that was a long time ago.
It was this man who inspired me
to learn the art of the quick draw.
I looked up to this man.
I studied his every move.
It was my dream
to be as fast as Ned Nederlander.
I practiced every clay
for hours and hours.
He was a god to me!
A god?
Well, I don't know about that.
But it is nice to meet a fan.
You know, often I think...
Then, I found out about movie tricks.
Trick photography. I was crushed!
- I never used trick photography.
- That is impossible.
No one can be as fast
as you appear to be.
I am that fast.
- We shall see.
- Happy to.
Does anybody have a watch,
preferably one with a second hand?
- I got a stopwatch.
- No stopwatch.
As you Americans say,
"We will play for keeps."
Give me back his gun.
Leave him here.
He might like
to see his friend die.
I've seen it.
You don't understand...
I don't shoot at people.
You see,
it's against my upbringing.
Call it etiquette, whatever.
You know, I was thinking...
I've waited for years
for this moment.
You wanna die
with a man's gun...
not a little sissy gun like this.
Enough!
Take the gun! Let's go!
- I have had enough of these Yankees!
- Not so fast, El Guapo!
Or I'll fill you so full of lead,
you'll be using your click for a pencil!
- What do you mean?
- I don't know!
- I think he means that if you...
- Shut up!
So, you thought
you could outsmart the Amigos.
Well, not this time.
Dusty, cover El Guapo!!
Now, everybody,
throw down your guns.
Do as he says!
- Not you, DUSTY!
- Sorry.
Okay, now, everybody lay down
and put your hands behind your head.
Ned, open the gates!
And don't try to touch
those guns!
Kill them!
Hurry up! Hurry up!
Ride, Amigos, ride!
Ned, what luck!
It's a Tubman 601! You can fly one.
Yeah. Didn't you fly one in
"Little Neddy Goes to War"?
Well, not exactly.
Actually, my stuntman did.
But I'm pretty sure
I can remember.
Ned! Ned! Ned! Ned!
Oh, God, Ned!
Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
- So long, El Guapo!
- I will see you in Santa Poco!
Santo Poco!
Ned, land!
Hold it!
El Guapo is on his way.
Someday the people of this village
will have to face El Guapo.
We might as well do it now.
In a way, all of us
have an El Guapo to face someday.
For some,
shyness might be their El Guapo.
For others, a lack of education
might be their El Guapo.
For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous guy
who wants to kill us.
But as sure as my name
is Lucky Day,
the people of Santa Poco
can conquer their own personal El Guapo...
who also happens to be
the actual El Guapo!
We want to defend ourselves.
But how?
By using the skills and the talents
of the people of Santa Poco!
This is not a town of weaklings.
You can turn your skills
against El Guapo.
Now, what is it
that this town really does well?
- We can sew.
- There you go! You can sew!
- If only we had known this earlier!
- Ned, Dusty.
Sewing...
Remember our film,
"Amigos, Amigos, Amigos"?
- Yes...
- Remember what we did in that movie?
- Do you think it could work?
- It's got to work.
It's our only hope.
Sew, very old one.
Sew like the wind.
Okay, dig here.
Where are you?
There they are, El Guapo!
Now they're over there,
El Guapo.
Now they're over there!
Shoot them!
They're over there!
- Now they're over there!
- Now they're over here!
What the hell
is happening around here?
Shoot, shoot!
Now they're over there,
on top of the church!
El Guapo,
they are everywhere!
They're over there, too!
Come back, you cowards!
You traitors!
I'm still here, El Guapo!
You stupid horse!
That was some good trick.
Come closer.
I have something to tell you.
That was a good trick, too!
I'm gonna miss you,
señor Dusty.
I'm gonna miss you, too, Pablo.
Here.
I want you to have my watch.
I wanna go with you.
No, no, no, Pablo,
there's still much to be done here.
Your village needs you.
And your family needs you.
We are men without homes.
We were meant to wander.
You will always have a home
here with us in Santa Poco.
Goodbye, Dusty.
You have done
what you said you would do.
Long will the memory of the Three Amigos
live in the hearts of the people of Santa Poco.
I'll come back one clay.
Why?
Well, I thought
that maybe you and I could...
Let's ride!
We are proud
to give you all that we have.
Here, I'll take that.
Our reward is
that justice has been done.
And remember, wherever there is injustice,
you will find us.
Wherever there is suffering,
we'll be there.
Wherever liberty is threatened,
you will find...
the Three Amigos!
Let's ride!
Let's ride!
Whoa, horsie!
One for each other and all for one
The three brave amigos are we
Brother to brother and everyone
A brave amigo
Wherever they need us,
our destinies lead us
Amigos, we're always together
Wherever we go,
we're three brave amigos
And will be amigos forever
We are the Three Amigos
We are the Three...
... A...
... migos!
And amigos forever we'll be
The three brave amigos are we
Brother to brother and everyone
A brave amigo
Wherever they need us,
our destinies lead us
Amigos, we're always together
Wherever we go,
we're three brave amigos
And will be amigos forever
We are the Three Amigos
We are the Three...
A...
.. migos!
And amigos forever we'll be
Rodrigo.
Rodrigo, we will find
the men we need in there.
Señores, we are from
the village of Santa Poco.
We have come here
for your help.
A very great injustice
is being done.
A man named El Guapo
is threatening our very lives.
We are looking for men who are brave enough
to stand up to this tyrant.
Señorita!
Perhaps I can be
of assistance.
I'll help you.
But first you're gonna help me,
darling.
No!
- Leave him alone! Rodrigo!
- Get out of here!
Come!
They are no better than El Guapo.
They will not help us.
- No one will help us!
- Rodrigo, you must have faith!
The Holy Mother will help us!
With three men such as these,
El Guapo would not dare to enter our village.
Goldsmith Pictures,
Hollywood, California.
The Three Amigos, Goldsmith Pictures,
Hollywood, California.
Ami...
gos.
We have seen your deeds
and think you are very great.
We can pay you
100,000 pesos.
100,000 pesos?
We do not have 100,000 pesos.
Don't worry, Rodrigo,
they will refuse it.
But it would be an insult
not to offer it to them.
100,000...
pesos.
100.000 pesos
if you come to Santa Poco...
and put on a show of your strength
and stop the... the horrible...
- evil, murdering...
- villainous monster, El Guapo.
So that once again we
can be a peaceful village.
23 pesos.
We only have 10.
Okay.
I give you the 10-pesos version.
"You are great."
"100,000 pesos...
if you come to Santa Poco...
put on show.
Stop the...
I'll put "infamous El Guapo."
- Infamous?
- Yes.
It means "murderous, evil"...
all like you said.
- And it will save you money.
- Thank you.
We've got to get back
to basics.
"Shooting for Love".
"Wanderers of the West".
"The Ride of the Three Amigos".
All the great Amigo pictures
had one thing in common:
Three wealthy Spanish landowners
who fight for the rights of peasants.
Now, that's something everyone likes.
It's a people idea.
It's a story a nation
can sink its teeth into.
But then came
"Those Darn Amigos".
A box office failure.
Nobody went to see it...
because nobody cares
about three wealthy Spanish landowners...
on a weekend in Manhattan.
We strayed from the formula,
and we paid the price.
I thought
we were quite good in it.
Good? We were great!
Why don't you tell the boys
about the Cochise picture, Morty?
Sandy and Irving
are working on it right now.
You meet Cochise.
At first, you think he's a terrible guy.
You fight.
Then, you get to know him...
you come to respect each other,
and at the end of the picture, you're friends!
We send you boys to Baja
and we shoot the picture in eight clays.
What do you think?
That'll be the clay.
- What did he say?
- He said, "That'll be the clay," Mr. Flugleman.
What?
I don't think you understand
who you're talking to here.
We have a few items
we want to straighten out first...
or you might be looking
at three actors
who really don't feel like
making a Geronimo picture.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- Lucky, I think maybe we should...
What we're talking about is money,
real money. Amigo money.
No dough, no show.
Bays! Boys...
Let me just say one thing:
It'll be a cold clay in hell...
when Harry Flugleman
lets an actor tell him what to do!
Do you know
what the word "nada" means?
In all those Mexican movies you made,
did you ever hear that word?
- Isn't that a light chicken gravy that you...
- It means "nothing"!
"Zero, zip"! It's what you're gonna have
when I'm through with you!
You hit Harry Flugleman
on a bad clay!
I'd like to continue to work for free,
Mr. Flugleman.
Are you living
in the studio mansion?
- Yeah...
- Not anymore, you're not. Sam!
- The Amigos are out of the mansion.
- Where did you get those clothes?
From a movie?
Yeah, the studio gave them to us.
"Those Darn Amigos".
Well, we're taking them back.
Sam!
Get wardrobe over here right away.
Take the Amigos' clothes.
Wait a minute!
You can't take our clothes.
You gave us these clothes.
They were presents!
Come on, wait a minute!
Lucky!
Wait a second!
I think you misread who you're talking to here.
Misread?
I want these schmucks
off of my lot.
Your asses
have just been streamlined!
The Three Amigos are history!
Okay! Okay!
Okay!
And Mr. Flugleman says
you're not to come back on this lot ever!
Look, boys, I know show business.
Something always turns up.
Telegram for the Three Amigos.
"Three Amigos, Hollywood, California.
You are very great."
"100,000 pesos
to come to Santa Poco...
put on show.
Stop.
The infamous El Guapo."
What does that mean?
"In-famous"?
Dusty»-
in-famous is when
you're more than famous.
This man El Guapo is not just famous,
he's in-famous.
100,000 pesos to do a personal appearance
with this guy El Guapo...
who is probably the biggest actor
to ever come out of Mexico!
Wow! The in-famous?
In-famous?
Wouldn't it be easier if we went to Flugleman
and asked him for our Amigo costumes?
No, Flugleman hates us right now.
He's never gonna give us our costumes.
Lucky's right.
This is the only way.
Hey! You two!
You! You! Two! Look here!
Hey, you, look! Up here!
Look up here, look up here,
look up here!
Hey, you, look! Up here!
UP here! Up here!
Hey, you guys!
This way!
Turn on the lights.
Hey, what's going on up there?
Let's go, Amigos.
I'm looking for a man
by the name of El Guapo.
Do you know this man?
- Perhaps, señor.
- Hey!
Where'd you get
that pretty little gun?
El Guapo will be interest to see me.
I have something he wants.
Hey, I'm talking to you!
Where'd you get
that pretty little gun?
I'm meeting
some friends of mine here.
When they get here,
tell them to wait.
- How will I know them?
- You will know them.
You will most certainly
know them.
Hey.
Why don't you come over here
and sit on my lap?
I wanna show you
something, honey.
Anyone else with a comment?
Some friends of mine
will be coming here.
I hope you will show them more courtesy
than you have shown me.
They aren't as kindhearted
as I am.
Looks like somebody's been down here
with the ugly stick.
Let's go.
Uh, excuse us.
We're not Mexicans.
We're from out of town.
We were wondering if you could tell us
where the best hotel in town is.
- There's no hotel in this town.
- Great. No hotel.
I could kill somebody!
Excuse me. You are the...?
Yes, we are.
- We have heard of you.
- No kidding.
I have a message for you.
The German says to wait here.
Mmm, yeah.
Well, so long as we've got some time to kill,
I think I'll have a beer.
We don't have no beer,
just tequila.
- What's tequila?
- It's like beer.
- Is it fattening?
- Fattening?
Forget it. If it's like beer, we'll have some.
Three tequilas!
Sure. Sure, amigos.
Enjoy yourselves.
But try not to get into
too much troubles, okay?
Thank you.
- It's an odd taste, isn't it?
- It's probably watered down.
There's something about this place.
Everybody seems so grim.
Well, they're just intimidated.
They've only seen us on the big screen.
Hey, we're just folks like you.
Just relax.
Dusty, go on over to that piano.
- Oh, no. I haven't played in so long.
- Come on!
I couldn't, really.
- Been a long time.
- All right, we'll do a little number for you.
But remember, we're a bit rusty,
so bear with us.
- Just like the old clays.
- All right!
Maestro?
Everybody!
Hey, great!
- What did I tell you?
- Yeah, they loved us.
- What is that?
- It's a plane.
Not just any plane.
It's a Tubman 601.
I flew one in
"Little Neddy Goes to War".
- What's it doing here?
- I think it's a mail plane.
- How can you tell?
- Well, didn't you notice its little balls?
The little balls hanging down.
The little... The balls.
The mail plane.
It's a "male" plane.
And the balls...!
That's... That's...
Let's go find out
where we're supposed to be.
Okay.
Hey!
Look at the little sissies!
This town
is getting too rough for me.
Carmen, the Three Amigos!
I saw them coming out of the cantina.
- You are the Three Amigos?
- Yes, we are.
Told you
we were big down here.
Come.
We will take you to Santa Poco.
- Oh, great!
- Fine.
This is our village.
Isn't that the Three Amigos?
Do you think they can protect us
from El Guapo?
- Welcome to Santa Poco.
- Here you go.
Dusty Bottoms.
Can I have your watch
when you are dead?
What did he say?
That's good. Very good.
We are honored
to have you in our home.
Do you have anything
besides Mexican food?
Lucky, how's this show
supposed to work anyway?
Well, I talked to Rodrigo tonight.
He's the kid.
He was kind of hazy
on the details.
But as far as I can figure,
El Guapo's coming in a clay or two.
He rides in,
acts like he owns the place.
We come out, put on a big show,
and pretend like we run him off.
It's pretty much what we did in
"Shooting for Love".
Hey, Lucky. What are you gonna do
with your share of the money?
A car.
A big, shiny, silver car.
I'll drive all over Hollywood,
show Flugleman a thing or two.
What about you?
New York. Maybe Paris.
A lot of champagne.
Parties.
- Be a big shot for a while.
- Yeah...
How about you, Ned?
I'm gonna start a foundation
to help homeless children.
That occurred to me to do that
at one point, too.
I meant that I would do that first,
and then I would get a big, shiny car.
Or after I come back...
Hey, let's go
get some more tequila.
El Guapo,
he said to wait here.
By the time he's here,
we'll be back.
Let's go to Santa Poco.
They'll be glad to see us!
Which one do you like best,
Carmen?
I like the one
who's not so smart.
Which one is that?
Sooner than expected.
I must warn the Three Amigos.
They are coming!
They are coming!
- Who?
- El Guapo and his men.
Already?
Well, we'll start
to get ready then.
They want us
to do the show now.
- Great! I thought we were going to rehearse.
- Obviously not.
So what? They've probably done it a
million times, and we know what we're doing.
Looks like there's about
three of them.
Perfect.
Rodrigo said there'd be 50, now there's three.
- They better not try to cut our money.
- Where's our tequila? We're waiting!
Say, those guys
look pretty good.
Are you kidding?
They're doing every cliché in the book.
We'll give them about 30 more seconds.
I hope those horses they got for us are okay.
If I have to come into that cantina,
somebody's gonna die!
Okay, Amigos, this is it.
Ned, big smile.
- Dusty, just relax and have fun with it.
- I'm just gonna have fun with it.
- I'm Lucky Day.
- I'm Ned Nederlander.
I'm Dusty Bottoms,
and together we're...
the Three Amigos!
LEES
Well, you slime-eating clogs!
You scum-sucking pigs!
You sons
of a motherless goat!
"Son of a motherless goat"?
And who are you?
Wherever there is injustice,
you will find us.
Wherever there is suffering,
we'll be there.
- Line.
- Wherever liberty is threatened, you will...
Wherever liberty is threatened,
you will find...
the Three Amigos!
- Who are these monkeys?
- I don't know!
Should we kill them?
No, let's go tell El Guapo
what we've seen here.
And stay out!
- Nice show.
- Not bad for a matinee.
- Damn it, I forgot a line though.
- They'll never pick it up. They'll never notice it.
They're really starved
for entertainment around here.
I'm telling you,
I've been in this situation before.
Ask for the money now,
while they're excited.
You were magnificent!
We were okay.
- Then what happened?
- Then, they got on their horses.
They rode all over the town,
shooting their pistols up in the air.
And they called us scum-sucking pigs!
Us!
What should we do, El Guapo?
Tomorrow,
I will take 50 men with me...
find these three gringos,
open their stomachs...
grab their intestines,
and squeeze the shit out of them!
Perfect!
Do you have a girlfriend
back home, Dusty?
No.
We never really had time
for that sort of thing, being so busy.
Have you ever kissed a girl?
Oh, yeah. Sure, lots of times.
Would you like to kiss me?
Yeah.
Well?
What, now? Here?
We could take a walk,
and you could kiss me on the veranda.
Lips would be fine.
One time Dorothy Gish
was visiting me on the set...
of "Little Neddy, Grab Your Gun"...
and she came up to me...
and she looked me in the face -
and I had never met her...
I'd just known her from the films.
You know, Dorothy Gish...
Lillian's sister...
And she looked me in the eyes,
and she said:
"Young man, you have got it."
And...
Dorothy Gish!
It's a true story.
Next time we come here,
I'm gonna ask for a different room.
Amigos, El Guapo himself is here,
with all his men, just outside the village.
I have your horses waiting.
You must ride against them now.
What is she talking about?
I don't know.
Looks like we got
another show to do.
- Great. Yeah.
- Let's get it over with.
LEES
They are so brave.
It's a pleasure working with you.
Well, you dirt-eating
piece of slime!
You scum-sucking pig!
You son of a motherless goat!
- Who are you?
- Wherever there is injustice...
you will find us.
Wherever there is suffering,
we'll be there.
- Tell us we will die like clogs.
- What?
Tell us
we will die like clogs.
- You will die like clogs.
- No, we will not die like clogs!
We will fight like lions.
Because we are...
the Three Amigos!
Ride, caballeros!
Ride, Amigos!
I like these guys.
They are funny guys!
Just kill one of them.
Hold it! Hold it!
Lucky, jeez, are you all right?
- What happened?
- I don't know.
- Here.
- Jeez...
Jeez...
What? What?
Wait a second.
Let me see that.
Come on, come on.
Oh, great! Real bullets!
I'll keep this.
You're in a lot of trouble,
mister!
Excuse me.
It's real.
What?
Uh, this is real.
- You mean...?
- Yes.
They're going to kill us.
What am I doing in Mexico?
- I've been shot already.
- I know.
What are we gonna do?
We're not gonna get paid,
that's for sure.
Let me talk to them,
man to man.
Yes.
Mr. Guapo...
I'd just like to say,
on behalf of the Three Amigos...
... we're very, very sorry..
And we'd like
to go home now.
You see, sir...
we're not gunfighters.
We're movie stars.
- Movie stars?
- Yeah, actors, uh, entertainers.
- You know, we sing and dance.
- Yeah, you know...
Don't you want
to die like clogs?
Well, if there's any way
of avoiding that part of it...
El Guapo only kills men.
He does not kill crying women.
So go...
you big movie stars.
- Thank you.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Faster!
People of Santa Poco...
you were very foolish
to bring men to try to stop El Guapo.
You have hurt me.
You see, Jefe?
A rose can bloom in the desert.
Jefe!
Santa Poco is no longer
under my protection!
The town is yours, muchachos!
El Guapo!
Afternoon.
- We'll just get our things and go.
- There is nothing of yours here.
El Guapo has taken everything.
Sorry.
Did you see a pair of cuff links?
- They were mother-of-pearl...
- Dusty...
- Where's Carmen?
- El Guapo has taken her, too.
- Let's go back to Hollywood.
- The sooner, the better.
- It's too hot down here.
- Bad for my hay fever.
- We don't belong down here anyway.
- Where's Ned?
- Ned, what are you doing?
- What do we have to go back to?
We've no jobs. No money.
No place to live.
No friends.
No women.
- No self-respect.
- Oh, hold on. Wait.
Ned, we could get killed.
Back there, the Three Amigos
are already dead.
Here we could be
the Three Amigos for real.
I'm drawing a line.
Men or mice? What'll it be?
Let's ride!
- Great job catching the food, Ned.
- Oh, thanks, Lucky.
How do you like your bat,
Dusty?
- Medium rare.
- This should do it.
Thanks.
How far do you think we rode
before we had to go back and get directions?
Just three or four miles.
- Ned, read those instructions again.
- All righty.
All right...
We go east...
through the desert
until we come to the singing bush.
The singing bush?
When we find the singing bush,
we say the magic chant...
each fire one shot in the air, and that
will summon the invisible swordsman...
and he will then show us the way
to El Guapo's.
- Want your wings?
- No, I'm fine.
- Here you go.
- Oh, great. Thanks.
Good night.
Look at the little fella.
He's tuckered out already.
- What was that?
- It's just a coyote.
- I've never slept outside before.
- Take it easy. Take it easy.
Dusty»-
Night, Lucky.
- Night, Dusty.
- Good night, Ned.
Good night, Ned.
Good night, Ned.
- Good night, Lucky.
- Good night, Dusty.
Lip balm?
Excuse me...
Are you the singing bush?
Let me talk to him.
Excuse us!
Are you the singing bush?
- Hello?
- Hi!
Hi!
Excuse us!
Hey!
Forget it.
My guess is this is the singing bush.
- Let's go summon the invisible swordsman.
- Summon the invisible swordsman?
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Now let me see here.
We each have to fire
one shot in the air...
say the magic chant,
and the invisible swordsman will appear.
Neddy!
Dusty.
Great!
You've killed the invisible swordsman.
- He's dead, all right.
- How was I supposed to know where he was?
You were supposed to fire up.
We both fired up!
It's like living
with a six-year-old.
Now we'll never find El Guapo's.
He was the only one
who could show the way! We're lost.
It's the Tubman 601
we saw in Diablo.
I'll bet it's going to El Guapo's.
Mount UP!
It means, "Get on your horses."
Carmen,
today is El Guapo's birthday...
. and tonight,
you are to be El Guapo's woman.
I would sooner die.
Let me prepare you for the way
El Guapo makes love.
Tell me, Carmen,
do you know what foreplay is?
- No.
- Good. Neither does El Guapo.
Jefe, the German arrived yet?
Not yet, El Guapo. Many presents
have been coming for your birthday.
The German
has the only presents I want.
Guns! Guns, so that the name of El Guapo
will be hanging on everyone's lips.
He will be here, Guapo.
But I think you will like
your other presents, too.
I have put many beautiful piñatas
in the storeroom...
each of them filled
with little surprises.
- Many piñatas?
_ Oh! YES,
Would you say
I have a plethora of piñatas?
- A what?
- A plethora.
Oh, yes, you have a plethora.
Jefe, what is a plethora?
- Why, Guapo?
- Well, you told me I have a plethora...
and I just would like to know
if you know what a plethora is.
I would not like to think that a person
would tell someone he has a plethora...
and find out that,
that person has no idea...
what it means
to have a plethora.
Forgive me, El Guapo.
I know that I, Jefe...
do not have your superior intellect
and education.
But could it be that, once again,
you are angry at something else...
- and are looking to take it out on me?
- Like what, Jefe?
Could it be because
you are turning 40 today?
No...!
Could it be because Carmen chooses
to sleep in her cell instead of with you?
Why don't you just take her?
When you want cattle,
you take the cattle.
When you want food,
you take the food.
When you want a woman,
you just take the woman.
- Why don't you just take her?
- Jefe...
you do not understand women.
You cannot force open
the petals of a flower.
When the flower is ready,
it opens itself up to you.
When do you think
Carmen will open up her flower to you?
Tonight, or I will kill her.
El Guapo!
There is the German now,
right on time.
We must make him welcome.
Hold!
This way, boys.
Sta)'-
Down.
My God!
We're gonna have to figure out a way
to get inside.
It looks impossible.
Lucky, those walls are 25 feet high.
There's a guard at every post.
- There's no way we'll ever get in there.
- I think Dusty's right.
Well, we're just gonna have
to use our brains.
- Damn it!
- Damn it!
El Guapo!
Here come the guns!
Jefe, what's his name?
- That's Paco.
- Paco!
Take off your hat!
Hold it up!
Higher!
You lived up to your promise!
You will be my guest at the celebration today.
A little party
my men are throwing for me.
LEES
- This is where we'll climb up.
- What about that guard?
- I'll throw a rock and distract him.
- Okay.
But I would throw it out there somewhere,
maybe toward that tree.
Try and hit that...
No, in the dry riverbed.
There's...
LEES
You like it, El Guapo?
Seize him!
So far, so good.
What was that noise?
I do not know.
I have three demands.
One, that you stop harassing
the people of Santa Poco.
Two, that all the land of Mexico
be redistributed equally among the people...
and a proportional system of government
be established...
consisting of three separate,
but equal, branches:
The legislative, the executive,
and the judicial.
And three, that the girl Carmen
be returned to me unharmed.
Amigo, why you come here?
You don't belong.
Now we have to kill you.
- Take him away.
- Excuse me, did you say kill me?
You see, under my system, you would
no longer be under the thumb of El Guapo...
but you would be free
to determine your own destiny.
You see, under a strong federal system,
you would have certain rights.
For example, owning property.
You two could have
a beautiful little castle on the mesa.
You know, I can see it now, with your
little bandidos running everywhere...
playing in the yard.
- We have a plan.
- What is it?
- First, we break into El Guapo's fortress.
- And that you've done. Now what?
Well, we really didn't expect the first part of
the plan to work, so we have no further plan.
Sometimes you can over-plan
these things.
So give me a second to talk to Lucky,
and I'll get back to you.
Wait!
There's a guard outside the door.
Quick!
You must dress in his clothes.
Then, you will be able
to move freely in the courtyard.
Good idea.
Easy!
Come and get them, guerito!
So, I just wait here then?
Okay, you go get the horses.
Meet us out front.
That's a good plan.
Thank you.
Rodriguez!
A toast... to El Guapo!
Today... he is...
33 years old!
On behalf of myself...
Jefe...
and the rest of the boys...
we chipped in
and got you this gift.
Conchita!
What can you say
about such men?
It's a sweater!
Jefe!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it! Gonna make it!
Gonna make it! Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
Gonna make it!
I made it!
My men...
my compadres...
what we have done,
we have done together.
I know each one of you
like I know my own smell!
- Carlos!
- Carlos!
We fought together
the priests of this mission.
- Pedro!
- Pedro!
We crushed the federales
on the plains of Oaxaca.
- And you...!
- José!
José!
- Together, we...
- burned the village!
Burned the village!
- And, uh...
- Raped the horses!
Raped the horses!
And we...
- rode off on the women!
- Rode off on the women!
- And, uh...
- We plundered!
Plundered!
- And, uh...
- Pruned!
Pruned the, uh...
- the hedges...
- Hedges...
- Of many small villages!
- Of many small villages.
Who the hell are you?
Another one
of the goddamn gringos.
Take this monkey away!
Put him with the other Yankee maricón.
What is happening around here today?
Are gringos falling from the sky?
Yes, El Guapo.
Now we have all the Amigos.
Take them away.
One moment, please.
- I know who this man is.
- You do?
Yes, it is Ned Nederlander.
Who?
You... You...
You...
You are my favorite star
of the silver screen!
Really?
In Germany, the cinema is very popular!
I have seen all of your films.
Including when you were known as
Little Neddy Knickers.
Well, that was a long time ago.
It was this man who inspired me
to learn the art of the quick draw.
I looked up to this man.
I studied his every move.
It was my dream
to be as fast as Ned Nederlander.
I practiced every clay
for hours and hours.
He was a god to me!
A god?
Well, I don't know about that.
But it is nice to meet a fan.
You know, often I think...
Then, I found out about movie tricks.
Trick photography. I was crushed!
- I never used trick photography.
- That is impossible.
No one can be as fast
as you appear to be.
I am that fast.
- We shall see.
- Happy to.
Does anybody have a watch,
preferably one with a second hand?
- I got a stopwatch.
- No stopwatch.
As you Americans say,
"We will play for keeps."
Give me back his gun.
Leave him here.
He might like
to see his friend die.
I've seen it.
You don't understand...
I don't shoot at people.
You see,
it's against my upbringing.
Call it etiquette, whatever.
You know, I was thinking...
I've waited for years
for this moment.
You wanna die
with a man's gun...
not a little sissy gun like this.
Enough!
Take the gun! Let's go!
- I have had enough of these Yankees!
- Not so fast, El Guapo!
Or I'll fill you so full of lead,
you'll be using your click for a pencil!
- What do you mean?
- I don't know!
- I think he means that if you...
- Shut up!
So, you thought
you could outsmart the Amigos.
Well, not this time.
Dusty, cover El Guapo!!
Now, everybody,
throw down your guns.
Do as he says!
- Not you, DUSTY!
- Sorry.
Okay, now, everybody lay down
and put your hands behind your head.
Ned, open the gates!
And don't try to touch
those guns!
Kill them!
Hurry up! Hurry up!
Ride, Amigos, ride!
Ned, what luck!
It's a Tubman 601! You can fly one.
Yeah. Didn't you fly one in
"Little Neddy Goes to War"?
Well, not exactly.
Actually, my stuntman did.
But I'm pretty sure
I can remember.
Ned! Ned! Ned! Ned!
Oh, God, Ned!
Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
- So long, El Guapo!
- I will see you in Santa Poco!
Santo Poco!
Ned, land!
Hold it!
El Guapo is on his way.
Someday the people of this village
will have to face El Guapo.
We might as well do it now.
In a way, all of us
have an El Guapo to face someday.
For some,
shyness might be their El Guapo.
For others, a lack of education
might be their El Guapo.
For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous guy
who wants to kill us.
But as sure as my name
is Lucky Day,
the people of Santa Poco
can conquer their own personal El Guapo...
who also happens to be
the actual El Guapo!
We want to defend ourselves.
But how?
By using the skills and the talents
of the people of Santa Poco!
This is not a town of weaklings.
You can turn your skills
against El Guapo.
Now, what is it
that this town really does well?
- We can sew.
- There you go! You can sew!
- If only we had known this earlier!
- Ned, Dusty.
Sewing...
Remember our film,
"Amigos, Amigos, Amigos"?
- Yes...
- Remember what we did in that movie?
- Do you think it could work?
- It's got to work.
It's our only hope.
Sew, very old one.
Sew like the wind.
Okay, dig here.
Where are you?
There they are, El Guapo!
Now they're over there,
El Guapo.
Now they're over there!
Shoot them!
They're over there!
- Now they're over there!
- Now they're over here!
What the hell
is happening around here?
Shoot, shoot!
Now they're over there,
on top of the church!
El Guapo,
they are everywhere!
They're over there, too!
Come back, you cowards!
You traitors!
I'm still here, El Guapo!
You stupid horse!
That was some good trick.
Come closer.
I have something to tell you.
That was a good trick, too!
I'm gonna miss you,
señor Dusty.
I'm gonna miss you, too, Pablo.
Here.
I want you to have my watch.
I wanna go with you.
No, no, no, Pablo,
there's still much to be done here.
Your village needs you.
And your family needs you.
We are men without homes.
We were meant to wander.
You will always have a home
here with us in Santa Poco.
Goodbye, Dusty.
You have done
what you said you would do.
Long will the memory of the Three Amigos
live in the hearts of the people of Santa Poco.
I'll come back one clay.
Why?
Well, I thought
that maybe you and I could...
Let's ride!
We are proud
to give you all that we have.
Here, I'll take that.
Our reward is
that justice has been done.
And remember, wherever there is injustice,
you will find us.
Wherever there is suffering,
we'll be there.
Wherever liberty is threatened,
you will find...
the Three Amigos!
Let's ride!
Let's ride!
Whoa, horsie!
One for each other and all for one
The three brave amigos are we
Brother to brother and everyone
A brave amigo
Wherever they need us,
our destinies lead us
Amigos, we're always together
Wherever we go,
we're three brave amigos
And will be amigos forever
We are the Three Amigos
We are the Three...
... A...
... migos!
And amigos forever we'll be