This Means War (2012) - full transcript

MAN 1 : All eyes are up.
MAN 2: Sat cams are good.

MAN 1 :
Target is inbound.

ETA five minutes.

Mission is a go.
Repeat, you are green to go.

lntercept and apprehend
the Heinrich brothers.

Secure the device.
And remember, this mission is covert.

l've got some action.

XENlA: Hi, my name is Xenia.
Pleased to meet you. l'm Tuck.

FDR.

So, what brings you to Hong Kong?

Business or pleasure?
Pleasure.



Business.
A little of both.

What kind of business?

l am a cruise ship captain
of a very large vessel.

My small friend here
is a kick-ass travel agent.

Permission to come aboard,
captain?

On that note, will you excuse us, ladies,
because we do have work to do.

No, we don't.
Yes, we do.

Yes, we do.

WOMAN:
That's a lovely suit.

Well, it is Savile Row's finest.

l see you brought your
baby brother to protect you.

[IN GERMAN]
What did you say?

[SNlCKERS]

Let's go, Jonas.



BOTHWlCK [OVER RADlO]:
Shots fired. Men down.

FDR:
All right. Here we go.

[CROWD YELPlNG]

[CROWD SCREAMlNG]

Mag. l need a mag.

[GASPS]

[lN GERMAN]
Shoot him.

[GRUNTlNG]

Tuck!

[SCREAMS]

Jonas!

[CROWD YELPlNG]

[PANTlNG]

Heinrich is not gonna be happy.
l'm more concerned about the boss.

FDR: Definitely. Hey, you think
those girls are still here?

l need good love

In my head

Before you came along

l felt like l was dead

l got good love

Rock 'n' roll

Well, l met a sweet girl

She blew my mind

And we've been hangin' out

Ever since that time

We got good love

Rock 'n' roll

Oh, yeah

Sweet, sweet love

Here we go. So the Coretex
has minimal damage.

There's some calcining
around the edges.

However, the Tempolite has damage
and there's rusting around 300 degrees.

So that means the Coretex
gets the recommend.

See, Em? The best product always wins.

Oh, Lauren.
Yes.

l was just wondering if l might skip out
a little bit early for the holiday weekend.

Jerry's taking me to an alpaca farm.

Oh, yeah, of course.
lt's a holiday. And a weekend.

Yeah, so you should do that.

Okay.
Have fun.

You have fun too.
l will.

COLLlNS:
Tuck. FDR.

COLLlNS:
Six men in the morgue.

A body in the middle of the street.

Yes, but to be fair,
we did manage to--

Shut up.
To-- That's me shutting up, right now.

The mission parameters
of the Heinrich case...

...were clearly indicated
to be covert.

Thanks to you two geniuses...

...Heinrich will be seeking revenge
for his brother's death.

You guys are grounded.

What?
Grounded?

[GROANS]

LAUREN [SlNGlNG]:
And just maybe

l'm gonna make it

l'm gonna shake it

Hey, Lauren. Lauren. Hey, hey.
LAUREN: Oh, oh!

Hi, Steve, hey.

Hey.
lt's Steve.

Yeah. Oh, my-- l'm so sorry.
Uh, Lauren, this is Kelly.

LAUREN: Hi.
KELLY: Hi.

lt's very nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too, yeah.

Wow, ha, ha, what a big rock.
STEVE: Yeah.

My fiancée, yes. Yeah.

You are engaged?
STEVE: Yeah.

To be married.

Things just worked out exactly
how they're supposed to, didn't they?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes.

Looks cool.

Okay, well, you know what?

l'm gonna go because
l'm gonna go meet my guy, Ken.

STEVE: Huh.
Uh, he's a surgeon.

Wow.
So, great, well...

...um, congratulations
on your ring and...

Oh, thanks.
...and your life...

...and your bikes and everything.
Yeah.

Okay. well, peace.

See you.
Okay. Bye.

l just said "peace."
l want to die right now.

[lN UNlSON]
Sushi for one.

[KEN SPEAKS lN JAPANESE]

Hey, Ken.

[KEN SPEAKS lN JAPANESE]

The usual?
Yeah.

[SPEAKlNG lN JAPANESE]

Long day, huh?
You don't know the half of it.

[GROANS]

[DOOR JlNGLES]

[SPEAKS lN JAPANESE]

STEVE:
This is too funny.

Hysterical.

l'm sorry. This must be
your boyfriend's seat. Uh, Ken, right?

Oh, yeah.
KEN: No.

Sushi for one. Yeah. Always for one.

LAUREN: Ugh! It was the most
humiliating moment ever.

Well, because you have to come up
with, like, better excuses.

You should've been, "l have a fiancé too.
But he's getting a penile reduction...

...because his penis is so big
every time it lands like a poltergeist."

Can't think of anything
when l see him.

l just can't believe
l gave up everything for him.

lt's just, l felt so stupid.
l left my friends, my family--

Don't say that, l'm happy you moved here.
We have a happy life together.

He was my person.

He was your person. You know
what kind of person he ended up?

The person that ends up with a girl
that makes out after she eats yellowtail.

l like sushi. She seemed really nice.
She was really pretty.

Well, l don't give a shit about her.
l give a shit about you and your love life.

l'm going out, dating, meeting guys.

Oh, please, you're not-- You date,
but you're not taking it seriously.

Don't use that brand, it leaves a film.
That one's much more effective.

l wish you would act like that
with men.

You can choose a laundry detergent,
but you can't choose a guy you want--

That's my job. lt's easier.
There's charts, there's numbers.

That's why you start online dating.
They have lots of charts.

Not that again.
What is your problem with online?

What's my problem?
Do you watch Dateline?

How many creeps are out there?

l could end up a skin suit
or in somebody's trunk.

Uh, that's a little dramatic, okay?
That happens to, like, one in 20 girls.

You're not gonna end up in a trunk.
lf you're lucky...

...somebody will end up in your trunk.
That's your trunk.

Ha, ha. Stop.

You need to get back out there, okay?

Yeah, sure, you might make a mistake
and end up with the wrong guy...

...but you might end up meeting
the right guy. So isn't that worth it?

What is the worst thing
that could happen?

Skin suit. Skin suit's pretty bad.

TUCK: Thank you for having me
to your nana's.

FDR: Are you kidding me?
You're my best friend. We're family.

Oh, my God.

This is gluten-free. Try a taste.
Hm?

Why the heck are you two
sitting over here all by yourselves?

You're not gonna make me
any great-grandbabies this way.

lt is a family gathering, Nana.

l don't think you want us
making any great-grandbabies.

To be fair, l have already provided you
with a wonderful great-grandchild.

Yeah, but that doesn't count
because you screwed it all up.

Ouch.
Come on, Lil.

Let's show these kids
how it's done, huh?

Heh, heh. See?
Ciao.

lt's kind of gross when they kiss.

[FDR HUMMlNG]

God, l love that kid.

What's going on?

Hey, Mr. Deep-ln-Thought.
You wanna talk about it?

l was just-- That kind
of thing's lovely, isn't it?

lt's really lovely.
What's lovely?

l love the way they look
into each other's eyes like that.

l'm pretty sure that's the cataracts.

Have you-- Okay. You asked me
a serious question, didn't you?

Yeah. Yeah.
Right. So do you want a serious answer?

Yeah. Put the cake down?
Please.

Okay.
Thank you.

Cake is down. Talk to me.

Well, no, seriously, man chat. Okay?
Okay.

Man to man.

l trust you.
l know you'd do anything for me.

Yeah.
You would take a bullet for me.

l would for you as well,
you know that. Right?

Can you imagine all of that?
Yes.

Can you imagine what that would be like
to share with a woman?

No.

Okay.

No.

Thank you.

[WHlSTLlNG]

MAX:
All right, Joe, Steven, you're up.

[SPEAKS lN JAPANESE]

All right, Joe. Good luck, son.
Let's go to war.

That's it. Now you feint.
Nice feint.

BOY: Hit.
Oh, nice. Get on him. Oh!

Down he goes. Ground and pound him.

Get on him. Ground and pound.
Ground and pound.

Uh....
Keep it going. Hammerfist him.

Right there, that's it.
Hit it. He's giving you his back.

Rear naked choke.
JOE: l give.

Yes. He's tapping. He's out. Booyah!
JOE: l give.

MAX: See what l mean?
That's how it works, boy.

BOY:
See that? l pwned him, didn't l?

TUCK: Good. You okay?
MAX: Sure did, son.

Ha, ha!

That's how you kill him.
What are you doing here?

Well, l had a bit of time off and
l thought l'd come hang with my homey.

l got creamed.

No, you didn't,
that's just a matter of opinion.

What do you know about fighting?

You're just a travel agent.

l know enough to know
that he who hesitates--

[GROwLS]

Pain?

That's just weakness
leaving the body.

JOE:
Oh, Dad.

Joe. Joe, Joe.

WOMAN: Come on, boys.
BOY: Mom, did you see me win today?

WOMAN:
On the mat? That's amazing.

Hey, guys.
TUCK: Hey.

Hey, bud.
Hi.

Hey, Tuck.
Hey, how you doing?

Didn't know you were in.

Got a couple days off
so l thought l'd come see Joe.

You're the only travel agent l've ever met
who actually travels for his job.

Yeah.

Um, so l was thinking that maybe, um....

Maybe you, me and Joe,
we could all go out together...

...you know, as a family,
maybe get something to eat.

Have a meal. l think
that would be really, really good.

l have a date tonight, Tuck.

So maybe some other time.

Sure. That's great. Good. That's good.

Bye, Joe.

So good.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
Do you believe it?

This is simply extraordinary.

What an amazing end
to this first half of play.

[GRUNTlNG]

MAN [ON TV]: Are you looking
for someone to start a life with?

Would you rather spend your time
with your soul mate than at work?

With over 6 million eligible singles...

Find your soul mate with just one click.
Log on today...

...and take our 1 5-minute test...
Shh! Let me watch.

...and open the door
to your new love life.

No more lonely nights.

No more empty mornings.

Give yourself the gift of love.

That's just so sad.

LAUREN: Good morning, Ella.
Good morning.

WOMAN: Here she comes. Here she comes.
Hi there.

Looking good, boss.
LAUREN: What?

Hi, Paul.
PAUL: What? Nothing.

Good morning, Hudson.
l'm down, girl.

l'm down too.

Emily. What am l down with?

Oh, my goodness. lt's a....

Your-- Check your desktop.

Oh, crap.

[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG]

Hi.
LAUREN: Bi-curious? Skinny-dipping?

Rollerblading?
l mean, what is this, 1 994?

You looked adorable in those shorts.
Men are gonna respond to that camel toe.

l'm gonna kill you, Trish.

Uh, how about "thank you"?

My office thinks l clean my house
in a naughty nurse costume.

That's fine. That means
you're open to role-paying.

We're trying to cast a wide net.
We don't know what guys you like.

You've got me in a keg stand
looking for a relationship.

l don't even know what that means.
You're flexible.

Guys wanna know that you're flexible
and good at gymnastics.

No, no, that's Mommy's special milk,
okay?

Just get me off this thing.
How do l cancel it?

You're not canceling it.
l'm in charge of that.

Wait a second. Who is that?

Oh, my God. He's cute.

FDR: Let me get this straight.
You put your personal, private details...

...on a very public website?
Yes.

Are you insane?
No.

Where you taking her?
Don't do that to me.

Taking her to the Blarney Stone.
l like the jukebox.

You're such a cheeseball.
What?

You're gonna go on this date
and l'm gonna go with you.

No, you're not.
Yes, l am.

l'm scared. You haven't done
this in a long time.

This girl could be all sorts of crazy.

And, besides, half those girls
pee standing up, Tuck.

The other half
are on one of our watch lists.

lt's a date.
Look, lucky for you, l'm free tonight.

And l'm gonna bring the binoculars,
the hand cream...

...keep a hundred-yard radius.
lt'll be sweet stuff.

No, you can't bring the binoculars.
You're not watching my date.

l need a little privacy.

l'll be around the corner on ringtone.
l'll be at the video store.

One ring means you need an extraction,
two, a cleaner, three, l can get home.

Two hundred yards.
Sold.

[LAUGHS]

Tuck? Are you Tuck?

Hi. l'm Lauren.

Oh, my gosh. Hello. How are you?

Very nice to meet you.

You too. Um....

Please, sit. Please, sorry. Yeah.

Wow, it's like--
You are really, really beautiful.

Could you say that a few more times,
because your voice is amazing. Ha, ha.

l feel like l need to apologize again
for that bizarre profile.

No, no, no.
My friend, Trish, is....

Oh, no. Everybody should have a friend
who's a spaz.

l think l'm going to have to kill her.
Well, actually...

...l might be able to help you.
l'm kidding.

So am l.
FRANKENSTElN [ON TV]: Love...

...is the only thing
that can save this poor creature.

And l am going to convince him
that he is loved...

...even at the cost of my own life.

No matter what you hear in there,
no matter how cruelly l beg you...

...no matter how terribly l may scream...
Hi.

[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG]

FRANKENSTElN: ...do not open this door
or you will undo everything l've worked for.

Good for you, pal.

So tell me one thing
that's not on your profile.

Um....

l have a son.

Oh, you do?
Yeah. He's called Joe.

He's 7 and he's really lovely.
Really lovely.

And his mom?

Couldn't work.

How about you?

No kids that l know of.
Okay.

And no ex-wives.

l have a very important question to ask.
Good. Go on.

Have you ever been or do you
ever plan on being a serial killer?

Well, l mean, it's--
You gotta keep your options open.

But, no.
Okay, good answer. Ha-ha-ha.

[BOTH LAUGHlNG]

So you've never killed anybody
with your bare hands.

Not this week.

Great.

Lauren, you're incredible.
You're not so bad yourself.

All right, l'm gonna go and rent a movie
and take a cold shower.

l will too.
Okay.

And wait for your call for the next--
Five minutes?

[LAUGHS]

HENRY [ON TV]:
This is where it all started.

Yes, I was standing over there
by that desk.

MARTHA: No, you were sitting in the chair.
And suddenly, you started walking toward me.

Very slowly. Very slowly.

I could count every step.

And when you're walking towards me
very slowly...

...l thought, "What's the matter with him?
Can't he walk faster?"

Oh, l'm so sorry.
Oh, l'm sorry. You take it.

No, no, no, that's okay. You take it.
Sure?

You're not gonna like it. Twist ending.
You'll see it coming a mile away.

And how would you know what l like?
l know movies. And women.

Really?
Mm-hm.

Okay.

Well, then,
why don't you tell me what l want?

The Lady Vanishes? Why is that?
Mm-hm.

Well, firstly, you can never go wrong
with Hitchcock. Ever.

lt's got comedy, drama, romance,
it's a thriller.

lt's classy, but not stuffy.

A little obscure, so if you haven't seen it,
you'll thank me for introducing you to it.

lf you have, you'll know
what a good choice it was.

Well, l have seen it.
Mm-hm.

And it is a really good choice.
Mm.

However, not as good as Rebecca,
Notorious, Vertigo...

...or pretty much any of his films
from 1 960 to 1 972.

ln fact, it's sort of a second-tier title.

A second.

You know what? Scratch--
Look, l see you surveying the prospects.

That one over there in Foreign?
Too much angst.

This one in the sweater set,
picking out animated movies?

That girl will have your children named
before breakfast.

The problem is,
no one looks like a clean getaway.

l get it. You come in here
looking for a girl renting a movie.

Clearly, she doesn't have a date
for the night. We're easy targets.

You look like the guy
interested in a one-day rental...

...if you know what l mean.
lf you knew anything about women...

...or anything about me, l'm perfectly
capable of choosing my own movies.

But thanks.

Happy hunting.

Hm.

MAN: So, sir, you want me to hack
into a video store database?

FDR: lt's for the Heinrich case.
COMPUTER VOlCE: Searching database.

FDR:
All right, keep on scrolling.

Wait. Stop. Scroll back.

That's her.

Sir, how is this girl
connected to Heinrich?

That's G-4 classified.

Hello, everybody, l'm Lauren Scott.
Thank you so much for being here today.

ALL:
Good morning, Lauren.

We're here today to talk about grills.
Does anybody have any first impressions?

l like the rotisserie feature.

Perfect. That's very helpful.

FDR:
l don't think it heated up fast enough.

Like something was wrong with the motor,
maybe the spark was dead.

Actually, sir,
there's nothing wrong with the spark.

Some people think grills
just burst into flames at the slightest touch.

lt doesn't work like that.

Does anybody have any useful opinions?

l thought the lid was hard to handle.
Mm-hm.

Ugh. The lids, what a pain, right?

l just felt the whole thing to be a bit stiff,
uptight, not really user-friendly.

l think it depends on the user.
Mm.

lt so happens l have
a lot of experience with grills.

l'm something of a grill master.

Uh, this is a sophisticated grill. Not sure
you've dealt with one of those before.

Or maybe a grill like this
is just so scared of being burned...

...it stays on simmer
and never really heats up all the way.

Don't touch my grill.
l don't think this can handle a guy like me.

l think it could.
Really?

Easily.
Prove it. 8 p.m. Barcelona. Tomorrow.

l don't think so.

l guess l could stick around
a little longer, talk about grills.

Charcoal or gas,
number 1 9, what do you think?

lf l say yes, will you leave?
This is my job.

Eight p.m. tomorrow.
Fine.

Fine.
Fine.

[SNlFFS]

You smell nice.

Bye.

What were you doing
on the computer? Porn?

l have a photograph of my girl.
l was doing the same thing.

A background check.
l don't know if that's creepy or romantic.

"Cromantic." l do it all the time.
Wanna see?

Yeah, sure. Wanna see her?
Yeah.

l bet yours has got antlers and howls.

She does, but she's
incredibly attractive with them.

She's a 1 0.
Go on three.

One, two, three and go? All right.

Okay. l'll sound off.
Okay.

One...
One.

...two, three.

That's, uh, Lauren S--
Lauren? Lauren Scott?

Scott.

That's the girl from the video store?
Right around the corner from the bar.

Oh, wow. Um....

l had no idea.
Of course. How could you know that?

Did she, ahem, actually say she wanted
to go out on a date with you, though?

You know what? l'm gonna make this
really easy. l'm gonna bow out. You date her.

Hang on. Did she say
she wanted to go out with you?

lt doesn't matter.
l love you. You're my best friend.

Yeah.
You go date her.

Yeah, if l got in the picture,
it wouldn't be fair.

Well, l'm sorry. What does that mean?

[SlGHS]

What does that mean?
l mean, come on, man...

...you're not out there
as much as l am.

And like anything...

...practice makes, uh....
Perfect?

No, no, no.
You're perfect?

Maybe not perfect,
but damn near close...

Wow.

...to perfect.
You believe that as well?

You don't have to bow out because of me.
l don't?

l'm not concerned that she's gonna
fall in love with you, pal.

How very nice of you. Thank you.
You are welcome.

So do your thing.

Whatever that is.

And, um...

...just let her decide.

Sure.
Yeah.

Yeah.

While we're at it,
why don't we put ground rules in?

We should.
One, l don't think...

...we should tell we know each other.
Two, stay out of each other's way.

Three. Yeah.
No hanky-panky, no hanky-panky.

God, you have not dated
in a long time, have you?

And if this ever starts
to affect our friendship...

Which it won't.
...which it won't...

..then we walk away.
Done.

So, then, we have-- we have--
We have a gentleman's agreement.

A gentleman's agreement. We do.
May the best man win.

The best man for her.

For her.
For the lady.

For the lady, for her,
the best man for her.

[OPERA MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh! Uh....

Forgive me, sir. You startled me.

l understand you're Savile Row's finest.

We do our best, sir.

ln that case,
l'd like to have a suit in this fabric.

Ah, South American vicuña.
An excellent choice indeed.

One thing with my suits,
l like to know they are one of a kind.

l wouldn't want anyone
wearing the same suit.

l'm sure you understand that.
Of course, sir. with this fabric and color...

...l only made one other, and that was
for a gentleman who lives quite far away.

How far exactly?

Los Angeles.

Have you any reason to go there soon?

l do now.

[LlNE RlNGlNG]

TUCK [ON RECORDlNG]: Hello. Sorry, I'm not in.
Please leave a message after the tone.

I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Tuck, Tuck.

Where are you, man? Five o'clock.

CHiPs marathon about to start,
l got new sticks for "Rock Band."

Call me.

My God, l love these places.
l thought you might.

We're not gonna leave
until we've spent our tokens.

TUCK: Hello. l'm sorry, I'm not in.
Please leave a message after the tone.

Get back to you as soon as possible.

Dude, where are you?

Oh!

Hey, man, uh, it's about 5:43. Uh....

So whatever, man, just hanging out,
watching the thing.

Are you--? Maybe your phone's
turned off or something.

But check it to make-- Clearly,
you can't check it and see if it--

Whatever. Call me.

TUCK:
So the great air hockey cheats, that is.

LAUREN:
l'm available for lessons anytime.

[BOTH LAUGHlNG]

But only for you.

There's something else
l wanna show you.

TUCK: I'll get back to you
as soon as possible.

Hey, man, so, uh, l'm a little worried.
l don't know if, um--

You haven't returned my calls
for, like, a long time now, like an hour.

So, uh, just give me a call
if you're okay, okay?

Okay. l've said "okay"
now, like, five times.

Give me a call. Oka--

LAUREN:
Okay, where are we going?

TUCK: There are lions in here.
No.

Yes.
Are you serious?

Okay. Open them.

LAUREN:
Wow, it's so beautiful.

Come on.

We're going up there?

LAUREN: You're gonna catch me, right?
TUCK: Yeah.

LAUREN: Promise?
Absolutely.

Okay.
One...

Yeah.

...two...

...three.

[SCREAMS]

TUCK:
There you go.

LAUREN:
Oh, my gosh.

[LAUREN SCREAMS]

LAUREN: Okay, okay.
TUCK: Right.

[LAUREN SCREAMS]

[LAUREN LAUGHlNG]

[BOTH LAUGHlNG]

What was that?
l'm sorry, l lost my grip.

You did that on purpose.

Uh.... Maybe l did.

l think you did.

Well, sometimes
falling is the best part.

TRlSH:
Come on.

MAN: Yeah.
TRlSH: l'm coming.

[2 LlVE CREW'S "ME SO HORNY"
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

Me so horny

[PHONE RlNGlNG]

Hold on.

Hello.
LAUREN: Hey, it's me. Can you talk?

Yeah, what's up?
LAUREN: It's-- I don't know.

l feel weird about dating two guys at once.
Don't feel bad about dating two guys.

This is good, okay?
You gotta go out there and live a life...

...for women like me who can't...

...who have to have sex with the same guy
every wednesday night at 9:00...

...while we're eating Cheetos.
That's kind of awesome.

lt is awesome.

For women everywhere.

That's the spirit. Do it.
And Bob's super horny, l gotta go.

Okay. Bye.

Okay. For women everywhere.
l love it, l love it, l love it.

Me love you long time

Tuck.

Where's your partner?

Oh, he went out on a date.
Of course he did.

The guy's an assassin, slays everything
he sets his sights on, right?

TECH: We got a positive lock
on that license plate.

Do you want us to put it up?
Yes.

No. Actually, no, don't.

Yeah, go on. lf you would, thanks, yeah.
Okay.

No. No, we can't.

[SlGHS]

Yeah. You gotta do it now.
Go on.

l'm here now.
Okay.

FDR:
Wow.

l wasn't sure if you were gonna show.
l told you l could handle it.

We'll see. Come on.

Oh, l don't wanna lose my spot.
Don't worry about it.

After you.

Go ahead.

Let them through.

Good to see you, buddy.
MAN: How you doing?

FDR: You'll gonna love this place, l swear.
Hey, Ciera. How are you?

[THE DNC'S "UNSTOPPABLE"
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

l think you're enjoying yourself. You just
have to loosen up. Get off the simmer.

Nathaniel.

What's up, baby? How you been?

Look at you. Oh!

You are shining like a bright light.

You guys are here? Come on.

All right, l gotta go say hi to the DJ.
He knows me.

Come on. Come on in.
Come on. Come on.

What's up?

After you, my lady.

'85 Veuve, Sammy.

[LAUGHS]

Hey. Where are you going?

Where are you going? we just got here.
You know what?

l'm not the girl for you.
Oh, come on, just--

Come inside, we'll have a good time.

lt's really okay. l've done this.

l was a gymnast in high school,
my best event was the keg stand.

You're a gymnast?
Unbelievable.

lt's valid. You said you were a gymnast,
l asked a question.

That's exactly why l'm walking away.

Because you're uptight
and don't know how to have good time?

You have the emotional intelligence
of a 1 5-year-old boy.

You think l'd be interested in going out
with you or going back up in the club?

l don't think so.
Thank you, princess.

Can we call it a night?
Can we please call it a night?

Good night.
Sayonara.

Have fun.
Ciao. Go back to the retirement village.

KELLY:
Of course l do.

Oh, my God. This is not happening.

[GlGGLES]

LAUREN:
Come back here. Wait, wait, wait.

Just kiss me.
What? Absolutely not.

l'm serious.
Why would l? No.

Just kiss me right now.
l'm not gonna kiss you. You're bipolar.

Stop.
Oh.

Lauren. Uh....

Lauren, hey.

There you are.
Oh. Oh, Steve.

Oh, my God, that is so funny
running into you again. That's so funny.

Um.... This is my boyfriend, FDR.

Huh.

He, uh-- He's the surgeon
that we were talking about.

Huh.
LAUREN: Yeah.

Neurosurgeon. l'm the department head
at the children's hospital.

Wow, that's amazing.

He is. He's really amazing.
FDR: Stop it.

Amazing?
l don't know what makes me happier.

Smile on a child's face
or waking up next to you every morning.

l love you.
l love you. l love you too. That's so funny.

Jinx. Ha-ha-ha.

We're really happy.
Yeah, we are.

Yeah.
Who wouldn't be happy...

...with a girl like this?
She's got everything.

She got the beauty, style, grace.
He's so sweet to me.

Did you know she was a gymnast?
No, l didn't know.

Didn't think so.
LAUREN: Yeah.

He likes it.

[LAUGHS]

Frisky, l love it.
Yeah.

Can you do that thing on the high bar?
Yeah. l think we should get going.

Stan, it was such a pleasure. We gotta go.
STEVE: l mean, it's Steve, but that's cool.

Great meeting you.
Steve, yeah.

Really nice meeting you.

Really nice meeting you.
lt was a pleasure.

Oh, look at that.
A little kiss on the hand there.

That's sweet.
You are so lucky.

l know.
KELLY: Yeah.

Bye.
Bye now, guys.

LAUREN: Yeah.
See you. Have fun, Simon.

STEVE: lt's Steve.
Okay. Thank you so much.

What did you say?
This ear's a little deaf.

l said, thank you. Thank you.
You don't have to be annoying about it.

Do you wanna go grab a bite?
l know a pizza place around the corner.

You owe me an explanation
for whatever that was.

Okay. You're right, l do.
Yeah?

Sure.
Let's go.

Okay.
Okay.

So l packed up my entire life
and l followed him out here.

And then six months later,
l found him in bed with a Pilates instructor.

He's just not the guy l thought he was.

l made a mistake.
l don't believe in mistakes.

Well, that's a very convenient philosophy
for someone like yourself.

lt's the mistakes
that make us who we are.

They led you here, right?

Would you rather be back
in Atlanta right now?

No, not really.

They led to your job,
you like your job.

l love my job.
So there you go.

Just saying.

You're very smart.
Mm-hm.

Pretty smart for a club rat.
Ha. Ouch.

Good morning.
Good morning, sir.

Nice-looking woman from last night.

You reconned my date.
What? No. No.

Yeah, you did.

Okay. l'm sorry, l did.
l reconned your date.

We had a deal.
l know.

Sorry, l started thinking--
You started thinking?

l had to find out--
l didn't know.

lf there was some action,
what were you gonna do?

Call in Special Ops?
No.

Sniper squad? Take me out?
No, no. l mean--

Our Munich office got a hit back on one
of Heinrich's men from Hong Kong.

Name is lvan Sokolov.

Here's a surveillance file
from the DFS in Mexico.

We expect he's trying to get Heinrich
into the country through L.A. Harbor.

Chatter suggests lvan lives here in L.A.

Now, flush him out.

She's definitely lost her sparkle.

All right, look, you flag lnterpol,
l'll call some of our contacts.

l really like this girl.

l really like her too.

No, l really, really like her.

So do l.
You do?

Yeah, l do.

So you're not backing off?
Nope.

Okay.

Then you ought to know that when
we went out on our date, Lauren and l...

...we, um....

What?

What? What did you do?

We shared a kiss.

Wow.
Mm-hm.

[lN BRlTlSH ACCENT]
lncredibly magical kiss with tongue.

Oh, dear. Wonderful.

You are an animal.

[lN NORMAL VOlCE]
Look, pal, we kissed too.

lt was pretty special.
l don't think it will be the last.

Well, we'll see about that, won't we?
We shall see about that.

Yes, we will. We will see about that.

Don't do that.
Don't say what l just said.

We will see about that.

About that, we will see.

We will see about that.

About that, we will see.

Right. This is a live operation,
it's a full wrap and tap, boys.

l want parabolics, infrareds, sat cams,
everything we got on the job.

l want you to acquire intel
on one Lauren Scott.

What are her secret likes....
Dislikes.

l want to
know what makes her laugh, cry.

Best friends, family members.

Everything is important.

The last three guys she slept with.

Who she was sleeping with last week.

You want us to take them out?

Yea--

No.

No.
l'm sorry, but--

Does this have to do with Heinrich?
That's level 5 classified.

For my eyes only.

This operation is top secret.

Don't let your country down, boys.
Roger that.

[MONTELL JORDAN'S "THlS lS HOW
WE DO lT" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[SlNGlNG]
This is how we do it

This is how we do it

LAUREN:
It's Friday night

And l feel all right

LAUREN:
And the party's here on the west side

So l reach for my 40
And l turn it up

Designated driver
Take the keys to my truck

Hit the shore 'cause I'm faded
Honeys in the street say

LAUREN:
Monty, yo, we made it

lt feels so good

LAUREN:
In my 'hood tonight

The summertime skirts
And the guys in Kani

All the gangbangers forgot
About the drive-by

You gotta get your groove on

Before you go get paid

So tip up your cup
And throw your hands up

And let me hear the party say

[OVER SPEAKERS]
l'm kind of buzzed and it's all because

This is how we do it

[BUG BEEPlNG]

This is how we do it

LAUREN: To all my neighbors
You got much flavor

This is how we do it
Let's flip the track

Bring the old school--

Aww.

[OVER SPEAKERS]
This is how we do it

LAUREN:
All hands are in the air

Wave them from here to there

lf you're an O.G. mack

LAUREN:
Or a wanna-be player

You see, the hood's been good to me

LAUREN:
Ever since l was a lower-case G

But now I'm a big G

Let me hear the party say

lf you were from

Where l'm from then you would know

[OVER SPEAKERS]
This is how we do it

[SlGHS]

What the hell is going on in here?
Nothing.

Sorry to interrupt playtime,
but we have an address on lvan Sokolov.

You boys might wanna get out
of the office.

Absolutely.

l'll take lead, you run backup.

l was thinking of taking lead
on this one, thank you.

l'm always the first in the door.
You're not always first at everything.

Hello. We're, um, friends of lvan.

Oh, no, take lead, please.

No, no. Honestly, after you.

[SNlFFS]

Brut?
Patchouli.

l love patchouli. Lovely.

TUCK: Oh, no, l'm like--
Yeah. What are you betting down there?

Hello! Cards!

Mate, l am such a huge fan of poker.

He actually won
the Go Fish Masters tournament in Reno.

This is private game.

Don't wave your hands at me, chief.
Don't you know who l am?

He got into the rosé at brunch,
he's gonzo.

l said this is private game.

l know who you are, mate.

lvan.
The terrible.

[FDR LAUGHS]

We're friends with Karl Heinrich.

There's one little problem.

Heinrich doesn't have any friends.

Oh, dear.

TUCK:
Mag! Give me a mag!

Do you ever come prepared?

TUCK:
Bollocks, mate. Bollocks!

[SHOUTlNG lN SERBlAN]

MAN:
Get out your gun.

[GRUNTlNG]

[PATRONS SCREAMlNG]

Tuck, get down!

Get down!

[GROANS]

There you are. l got you, eh, mate?
No, l got him.

Yeah, of course you did, mate.
l love your work.

Tell us where Heinrich is
and we'll be able to cut you a deal, lvan.

[lN SERBlAN]
l'm not saying anything.

Okay, you get three square meals a day
and we'll get you a nice pair of trousers.

MAN: Let's go.
FDR: Give deodorant a chance, lvan. You stink.

[CELL PHONES BEEP]

What's happening?
Hm?

What's going on?
Uh, Collins. l'm gonna go see the medic.

Yeah.
You?

No. Just the intel flash
coming over.

Roger that.
Right. Right.

She texted her friend Trish.

Said she needed to talk
because she was F-T-F-O.

Which Cryptography Department believes
means she was freaking the fuck out, sir.

l S-H-l-T you not.
l was L-M-F-A-O when l read that.

lt was crazy, ridiculou--
Bothwick! S-H-H-H-H-H.

Trish then called the babysitter
and told her it was an emergency.

This is serious. This is really serious.

Can't believe this is my problem.
Last month, l was dating Boggle.

This month, two gorgeous guys.

l need you to stop making references
to Boggle like a man. lt's a game.

And you sound like a woman
who has nine cats and knits her ass off.

You never said gorgeous. You said
good-looking. There's a difference--

Wanna see a picture of them?
Yes.

Okay.
l didn't know you had pictures. Give it.

Oh. wow.

Right?
That's dirty sex.

You know you're gonna have dirty sex
and it's gonna stink.

Not like sex. l mean, like,
man stink, the good stuff.

That's pretty impressive. For you, yeah.
What does the other one look like?

LAUREN: Youjust scroll over,
you do the finger thing.

TRlSH:
Oh, my God. He is hot too.

I am impressed with you.

This is hotness. That man is--
You scared the shit out of me.

You all right?
Yup.

Medically speaking?
Fine.

LAUREN: They're people, not products.
You're not a very good liar, know that?

Oh, yes, and you are.
LAUREN: They never play this game with me.

Seeing as we're both here,
we might as well share resources.

LAUREN: Incredible guys.
l don't have a choice.

Please, sit down.
Oh, l'm staying.

TRlSH: Okay, good, good.
Well, l'm available as a friend.

lf you want me to have sex
with both of those guys...

...just to test out stuff and see who
comes back a winner and who doesn't.

They wouldn't know. l'd pretend l was you.
l'd put my hair up in a pony.

Obviously l'm busy, because l'm a mother,
but l would carve out time in my schedule.

That's the kind of friend l am.

Why is she listening to that old man?
l have no idea.

Okay. You know what? That's not helpful.
Okay, fine.

Do one of your "focus groups"
you do at work.

You can be the focus group,
l can be in charge, like you.

LAUREN: Oh, that's actually a good idea.
TRlSH: Okay.

This is good, l like this.

Okay, so l will ask you questions
about the products.

Okay.
The people.

And you tell me who you like and why.

LAUREN:
I don't know. They're both incredible.

What a struggle. l have to go home...

...and clean tartar sauce
out of Bob's beard right now.

Probably one of his testicles.

You're gonna talk to me
about how amazing these guys are.

ls there anything bad about them?
Okay, let me think. Flaws.

l think there--

There is one thing.

FDR has these tiny, like, girl hands.
Like little T. rex hands.

Ha!
TRlSH: Oh, gross.

Means he's got a Mike and lke
for a penis.

[LAUGHlNG]

You know that's not true.
You've seen it.

You've seen it in Bangladesh,
you know that's not true.

And Tuck is British.

Mm.

What is that supposed to mean?
TRISH: Doesn't mean anything.

That's the same, they're kind of even.
So get into decision-making mode.

And l need you to do it kind of quickly.
lt's fun, but l'm not the one having sex.

So l can't be that invested.
Okay. You know what l need?

Mm.

A joint. Okay.
No, l need a deadline.

Gonna give myself a finite
amount of time to make this decision.

That's good.
One week l have to make a decision.

TRlSH:
One week?

Okay, so she grew up in Georgia.

She likes to volunteer at dog shelters.

She's a fan of classic rock
and collecting mini Camaros.

What, as in the cars?

[LAUREN SCREAMS]

LAUREN:
This is so fun!

You're a natural in this.

lt's just so weird.
My dad used to collect these.

They were never as nice as this one.
But he never let me drive them.

l can't possibly imagine
why he wouldn't do that.

[TORPEDOTRlCKSER'S "WHAT l GOT" PLAYS]

She's got a magic spell on me

Did he just give our bird the bird?

Now I've got a woman

What was that?
What? Well, that was the exhaust.

Oh.
Give it some throttle. Go on.

[SCREAMlNG]

She likes red wine,
lavender bath salts.

And she collects posters
by Gustav Klimt.

Huh?
Yeah. Austrian cat. Boy can paint.

Ain't you never seen The Kiss?
You know, like that:

Yeah, no, of course l have.

ls this what l think it is?

You're a fan?

Of Gustav Klimt?
Of Gustav Klimt.

He's my favorite artist.
He's my favorite artist.

This is incredible.

Are these real?
Yeah.

Okay, stop.

You recognize this?
Yes.

The Harpist, 1895?
l have this--

Seen it in a book.
Pre-secession movement.

Look at the tension between
two- and three-dimensionality.

The tension between
two- and three-dimensionality.

lncredible. This is my favorite.
How do you know?

Undine, 1902.

Oh, my goodness, this is amazing.

lnnovation became intrinsic....

To Degas and other modernists.
You can see influence of art nouveau.

Strong advocate
of the finger-painting movement.

What?

Hey. We lost contact.

[lN AMERlCAN ACCENT] Sometimes he would
finger his paintings to get closer to them.

He, uh, used his....

He would--

The intimacy with the canvas
to finger a painting--

To--

[LAUGHS]

Rather to paint using hands.

Sometimes,
he would use mud and sticks.

You know, he used mud
and sticks-- Ahem.

He did?

lf he couldn't find a stick...
lf he couldn't find a stick...

...he would use his dick.
...he'd just use his--

What?

Oh, son of a bitch. Who is--?

Ha, ha.
Ugh!

You know, l think enough talking.

Let's let the paintings
speak for themselves.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

That is so beautiful.

lt's amazing.

Just incredible.

FDR:
Yeah. lt is.

Thank you.

TRlSH: Hello?
LAUREN: Hey, it's me.

TRISH: How did it go?
LAUREN: They both went well. Too well.

l don't know what to do.
TRISH: That's awesome. I'm coming over.

Go up on 5.
Let's just pump the audio a little bit.

Are you sure about this, sir? We might
have some constitutional issues here.

Patriot Act.

TRlSH: So how was it?
LAUREN: They're both incredible.

Uh, FDR has these amazing eyes
that you just wanna melt into.

So beautiful.
He brings out the best in me.

He really challenges me.

But he's that guy who's always on,
he's superslick.

Sometimes, l think he doesn't care
about anything more than himself.

[DOGS BARKlNG]

Well, they say it's a sanctuary for them,
but it's-- Here it is.

This is amazing.
lt's really more of a sanctuary for me.

Hey, Rebecca.
GlRL: who's that man?

Hey, Betty.
Excuse me?

l just had no idea you were
so passionate about animals.

Yeah. Animals and kids.

What's up?

How you doing, Nick?
What?

There are a lot of things
you don't know about me...

...and it takes a while for me to open up.
l can see that.

[GlGGLES]

Oh, what's the matter?

What's the matter, you?
Hey, little guy.

What's going on?
LAUREN: You okay?

Are you allowed to open the cages?
All the time.

Okay.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Snuggles, how are you, bud?
lt's a Boston terrier.

l love these dogs. Hi.

[GROwLS]

Hi.

[GROwLlNG]

Yeah. That's a lot of energy.

l love this place.

Mm.

What's in your mouth?
A lot of dog hair.

Yeah.
So....

l know.

Big mess.

Do you wanna help me pick one out?
You're gonna adopt a dog?

l think it's time for me to be responsible for
something other than myself, you know?

Wow, l think that's so great.

Okay.

Let's pick the saddest,
oldest bastard here.

TRlSH:
Okay, what about Tuck?

Uh, Tuck is great.

He's sweet, he's ki--
We have so much fun.

More fun that I've ever had
in my entire life.

But he's maybe too sweet?
A little earnest?

Uh, sort of safe.

Yeah. That's boring.
l almost fell asleep just listening to that.

Safe.

Okay, l think l'm ready.

You ever carried a weapon before?
You know--

Not really, no.

Okay. Okay. l need you to keep that end
of the weapon well away from me, clear?

Okay.
Thumbs up.

This will be fun.
No.

lt's not fun.

lt's dangerous.

[THE HEAVY'S
"HOW YOU LlKE ME NOW" PLAYS]

[PAlNTBALLERS SHOUTlNG]

Hey, watch there.

Men! Move.
MAN 1 : My face!

Oh, my God.

MAN 2:
Man, come on.

[GUNSHOTS]

Come on.
Oh!

Okay.

Oh, God, l gotta get the goggles on.
This is very stressful!

Clear. We're coming out. Okay, come on.
Okay.

BOY 1 :
Get him!

[GRUNTlNG]

MAN 3: No head shots!
MAN 4: That's illegal.

Oh, my God.

BOY 2:
l'm scared.

[ALL YELPlNG]

BOY 3:
lt's a grenade!

How you like me now

[SCREAMlNG]

How you like me now

BOY 4:
Who is that guy?

lt's just a game. Ah!

BOY 5:
Let's get out of here.

Huh? Oh, yes.

LAUREN:
Oh, my God.

Did you see me light that up?
Okay.

That boy come right out of nowhere.

Okay, you are disturbingly good at this.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, how does that make you feel?

Like if our nation gets attacked
by random paintball people...

...l'll be safe.
Safe.

l tried to get your back there.
l got off a few shots...

...but l think my triggering mechanism
was stuck.

You got the safety on.
l was trying to--

Oh, you mean this thing here?
Yeah. Ugh!

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Ha, ha. Oh, l'm sorry l'm laugh--

l have this laughter thing
when bad things happen.

lt's not funny.
l shouldn't do that.

Are you okay? Can you walk?

Yeah, l'm good,
l'm good, l'm good.

Oh, my God, l feel so bad.

Yeah, it's good.

Come on, let's go get something to eat.
Okay.

So you know how l was telling you
that Tuck has been really earnest?

The other day, we went paintballing...

...and he nearly put this kid's eye out
with a paintball gun.

Then FDR,
we went to this animal shelter...

...and he adopted a 12-year-old dog
with a milky eye.

l'm telling you, it's getting weird.

l can't help but thinking
l'm putting them in this position.

lt's making them crazy.
lt's making me crazy.

So, what are you gonna do about it?

l have to do what any rational woman
in my position would do.

Break up with them?
Sleep with them.

Sex tiebreaker.

Oh, thank you! Finally!

A sex tiebreaker!
That is what you need to do!

You have to have sex
with both of them!

Thank you.

What? lt's called the birds and the bees,
bitch, okay? Google it.

We had a deal.

Well, we have a deal.

We have a deal.
l'm not gonna have sex with her.

And l am not gonna have sex
with this woman either.

No matter how hard she tries.

We have a gentleman's agreement.
We have a gentleman's agreement.

And we are gentlemen.

Okay?

Ha-ha-ha. Okay.

Okay.
Good.

Good Lord.

That the time?
Yeah, l got that thing.

l gotta be somewhere this time.

Full-scale tactical prevention mode.

What exactly do you have in mind?

LAUREN:
Yeah.

Wow, this is amazing.

lndeed.
How nice.

Do you think the candles are a bit cheesy?
No. l think they're wonderful.

This has been the perfect night.

[JAZZ MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

Dickerman...

...make it rain.

[LAUREN SCREAMlNG]

[THE BEASTlE BOYS'
"SABOTAGE" PLAYS]

Can't stand it

I know you planned it
l'm gonna set it straight

Sabotage

You really think you can trust him?

Absolutely not.

Okay, l believe you.
Wow.

This is great.
Yeah?

Yeah.

Pool on the roof.
Oh, you know...

...it's hydrotherapy
for an old football injury.

l'll be right back.

Okay?
Okay.

[SADE'S "SMOOTH OPERATOR"
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

[DOG WHlMPERS]

Come on, scram. Let's go.

He moves in space

Ah! God.

[THE BEASTlE BOYS'
"SABOTAGE" PLAYS]

lt's a sabotage

Can't stand it
I know you planned it

Son of a--

[MUSlC SLOWS]

l can't stand rocking
When l fly off the handle

What could it be?
lt's a mirage

You're scheming on a thing
That's sabotage

[SADE'S "SMOOTH OPERATOR"
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

Smooth operator

FDR?

Smooth operator

Really?

Smooth operator

FDR:
A tranq dart.

A tranq dart. Three inches over,
l would've been dead.

Four. Four inches, okay?

[CLATTERlNG]

Neanderthal.
JENKlNS: Morning, sirs.

BOTH [lN UNlSON]:
Shut up.

Jesus. l cannot believe
you didn't trust me.

We both know what happens
when you listen to Sade.

She's an incredible singer.
She is.

Your hormones start,
you turn into Horny Pants.

Hor--
And might l remind you...

...you were the one
who flooded my apartment first.

The candles were a fire hazard.
No.

The only thing you were worried about
getting fired up was Lauren, wasn't it?

Honesty, Franklin.

Try it.

Right!

Now, l have very serious
anger management issues today, lvan...

...so l would appreciate it
if you'd do me the courtesy...

...of answering
all my terribly boring questions...

...sharpish.

Heh, heh. The pliers, really?
Yes, the pliers, really.

Predictable, safe and boring yet again.
Why don't you tickle lvan's feet...

...till he talks with your
teeny, tiny, itty-bitty jazz hands?

Heh.

[lN SERBlAN]
Where is Heinrich, brother?

[lN SERBlAN]
Sooner or later he'll be coming for you.

Brother.

[lN ENGLlSH]
You are going to die.

Don't worry, you're next.

[lN GERMAN]
l'm sorry about Jonas.

FDR: Tuck, l gotta talk to you about Nana's.
TUCK: Sure. Whose car are we taking tonight?

l don't think it's gonna work out tonight.
You don't want me there?

lt's not that. lt's.. . .

l invited Lauren.

Oh, wow. Uh....

lt's a nice move, isn't it? Meet the family.
What are you, Garry Kasparov?

lt's not like that. Lauren's been asking
about them, and you know Nana.

Once she heard l was dating someone,
she got excited. She wanted to meet them.

l don't believe this.
What?

This is not a play to one-up you.
They're my family.

Yeah, but they're my family too.
Yeah, but they're my actual family.

Wow. Yeah. Ahem.

Of course they are.

How silly of me.

[BOY GlGGLlNG]

LAUREN: Ooh! Oh, gosh.
FDR: No, no, no. Just let him do his thing.

Oh, hello.

Uh, Nana, this is Lauren.
Lauren, this is my grandmother, Nana.

So you're the girl who's been
putting up with Franklin.

Mm-hm.
l brought pie.

Yeah, you know where the kitchen is.
Lauren and l have a lot to talk about.

[SlGHS]

NANA:
Yes, this is pretty, isn't it?

Oh, this is beautiful.

Oh, is this FDR?
NANA: Oh, yes.

LAUREN:
Look at that unibrow.

lt goes all the way around his head.
l know, he was so cute.

Hi, Dottie.
And who are these people?

Oh, those are his parents.

They died when he was 9.

l'm so sorry.

He never told me that.
Yeah.

ln a car crash. They were going out
to dinner one night and, um--

Well, he's never been
quite the same since.

He has a hard time
trusting people.

But he must trust you.

Because you are the first girl
he's ever brought here.

l have a hard time trusting people too.

[ALL LAUGHlNG]

He had the biggest blue eyes,
like marbles.

Which almost made up
for the bed-wetting.

[ALL LAUGHlNG]

Nana. We really don't have to talk
about that right now.

Oh, we really do.
No, no, no.

No, we should.
No, no, no.

We ought to.
l know--

He wore that Superman costume
everywhere.

You wouldn't believe the smell.

But how were we to know
that he would take it so literally?

The little fellow jumped off the roof.
Oh!

l was given misinformation, okay?

We all make mistakes.
That was one of mine.

Yes, but remember, Franklin,
there are no mistakes.

[NANA GlGGLES]

To no mistakes.

To no mistakes.
To no mistakes.

LAUREN: Okay, wearing dresses.
FDR: l was only wearing them...

...because l thought they were capes.

Are we recording this?

l had a nice time tonight.

Me too.

l like that guy with the unibrow
and the braces.

Ha, ha.
l actually--

l might like him
more than l like you.

He likes you too.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Ha, ha. l should go.

Yeah.

l should be a gentleman.

Well, the good news is
l'm no gentleman.

This is not good.

[KRAM'S "GOOD LOVE" PLAYS]

She blew my mind

[BOTH MOANlNG]

And we've been hangin' out

Ever since that time

We got good love

Rock 'n' roll

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah

Sweet, sweet love

FDR: Hey.
Oh, God!

Oh, my God. Okay.

Morning.
Good morning.

You're dressed. where you going?
l have to go to work.

l thought maybe we could
make pancakes or something.

Do you like pancakes?

l love pancakes.
Really, l'd love to have pancakes.

Who doesn't like pancakes? Crazy people.
Crazy people.

l have to go to work. l have a meeting.

Really super early.
So l gotta go.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, that's cool.

l have-- l've got a meeting too, so--

Okay.
Last night was--

[EXHALES]

Uh.... Was--
Was incredible.

That was crazy.

Yeah.

Uh, thank you for the--

Thank you for that.

So l'm gonna go.

But lock up behind you--
Or don't lo-- l don't know.

You're not gonna steal anything.
l don't know why l said that.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Trish, l slept with him.

TRlSH [ON PHONE]: Which one?
FDR.

Oh, my God, that's awesome.
How do you feel? Can you walk?

Small hands, not an issue.

l told you it wasn't gonna be an issue.

How was it?

Amazing. Like five times amazing.

But l'm supposed to go meet Tuck
this afternoon.

But after last night,
l can't see Tuck now.

No, no, they do it to us all the time, okay?

You think Gloria Steinem got arrested
and sat in jail...

...so you could act like a little bitch?
l don't think so. Get out there, you get flexible.

l'm going to hell.
You're not. lf you go there, l'm--

l'll be there to pick you up.

Okay, save me a drink.

TUCK: You got last
night's surveillance tape?

Oh, hey, uh....

We didn't get anything.

We got nothing.

The tape jammed, so....
Ha, ha.

Boylee, it's digital, you plank.

Right. So can l have the disk?
Yup.

Seriously, you don't wanna see it.

l'll be the judge of that,
thank you very much.

Now, did you see this?

Only once.

Right. what happened?

Agent Foster entered the premises.

All right.
Yep.

And?
Ha, ha.

Boylee.
Ahem.

Then he--
Boylee, what happened next?

Then he entered the premises.

l got it, mate. Yeah, l totally understand.
Thank you very much. Cheers, mate.

Open your eyes.

["TlTANlC" THEME SONG PLAYlNG]

[DOOR BUZZES]

ROSE [ON TV]:
l'm flying.

Jack.

Hey.

Hi.
Maya.

So it's Tuesday.
Mm-hm?

My layover day?

Yeah. Right. Um....

lt's just--

Look, l--

l can't really do this, um....

l met somebody.

Sorry.

Okay.

What's happening to me?

TUCK: You have
absolutely no self-control.

Tuck, look, l didn't plan
on this happening, okay?

She's the one that initiated it
in the first place.

Well, of course she initiated.

You roll out the big, happy family,
it's like girl porn, isn't it?

You broke the rules, man.
Forget the rules. Not a game anymore.

l care for Lauren.
Great, you have affections.

lt only took you 30 years.
Tuck.

What?
l slept with her.

Yeah, well, l'm well aware of that, aren't l?
No, slept. Fell asleep.

That's never happened
to me before.

Okay, so he wants to play family, so we'll
play families. We can play families. Right?

All right. Uh, yeah.
Good, let's play families.

l don't know what that means.
lt means get me a family.

Right, so you got your aliases.
Back stories.

Charming anecdotes.

Yeah? Great. Grandma, if you could pull out
a few tears when you're telling that story...

...of how l rescued the blind children from
the well, there's an extra 50 in it for you.

Right. Ladies, mental gents,
l shall see you at 1 300 hours.

l am so glad you could make it
on short notice.

Yeah, l'm happy to be here.

And they are going to absolutely love you,
and you will love them.

l'm excited.
So am l. God, you look gorgeous.

They should be here.
l'm going to give them a ring. You mind?

Oh, not at all.
Okay.

Okay.
You look gorgeous.

Here we go boys. Here we go.

LAUREN: Hi.
MAN: There she is.

LAUREN: How are you?
Good. You?

Supposed to be here
three minutes ago.

BOYLES:
I don't understand. They should be there.

Yeah, well, they're not, are they?
Okay, let me find out what happened.

Ha, ha. So, finally. Right?
LAUREN: Yeah.

Oh, bollocks.

So has he told you?
What?

How he got his name. "Tuck."
No, he didn't.

Oh, not his given name. Not at all.
"Tuck." Unusual, right?

LAUREN: Yeah. Yeah.
WOMAN: Oh, here he is.

Hi. Your Dad was just telling me
how you got your nickname.

Hello, son.

Hello, Dad.

WOMAN: Hello.
TUCK: How are--? Unh-- Unh-- Unh--

Oh, my good--
WOMAN: Mm-mm.

[LAUGHlNG]

Jolly good. Right.

Right, we're just getting to it.
Old Tuckers comes down one day.

l don't know, he's 10 or 1 1 ,
wearing a dress.

Hikes it up and goes, "Oh, look.
l've got me naughty bits tucked under."

Hence, "Tuck."

"l'd fuck me. l'd fuck me."
"What's wrong with this boy?"

But it doesn't matter because, like, we're
just so proud that Tuck is into girls again.

MAN: Finally.
Because for a while it was all Egyptian men.

Yeah. "Oh, gotta have it
coming and going. Please." Whoo-woo!

Choo-choo train.

"Come on, boys, have at it.
lt's the navy."

Ahem. l think we should order.

Lauren, Tuck really is, like,
a really great brother.

He is.
He saved me from becoming a swinger.

Before Tuck stepped in, everyone in our
village used to call me "The Sausage wallet."

"TSW." That's a Shakespearean term for slut.
MAN: Right.

Where did you find her?

So, what's going on with your bits up top?
Heard they weren't real. They look real to me.

Tuck said they were fake.
What?

l did not. l wouldn't say--
"These knockers. Oh!

Can't wait to get into them."
l wouldn't say that.

MAN: You did. Why you lying now?
Yeah, but they look quite nice.

Not as big as these bazookas, but. . ..
TUCK: Wait, is there a waiter?

You know what, actually,
l forgot l have a commitment at work.

lt's been very nice meeting you all,
but l have to go.

MAN: You want something to go, then?
No, thank you.

Wait, can l get your cell number?

LAUREN: God.
Lauren.

Bring up six.
Bringing.

TUCK: Sorry about that.
That was the weirdest five minutes of my life.

l'm sorry. Those people back there,
they are not my parents.

What are you talking about?
They're not my parents.

Those are not your parents?
No.

l wanted you to think that l had
a perfect family, so l hired some people.

You hired people?
Yes.

You hired what kind of people?
Actors. Actors.

Tuck, this is just bizarre.
l don't know what to say about that.

l don't have any parents.
l have no family.

What?
l thought it would impress you.

Okay? That's why l hired some, because
l thought that was normal. l thought--

But you have a family. You have a son.

Yeah.

Okay, the truth about Joe is that
my relationship with Joe is really awful.

lt's really awful.

When he was a little boy, it was great.
He was a puppy.

He loved me to bits. Then he grew up,
now l can't reach him.

He doesn't want anything
to do with me, at all.

Okay? So l didn't want you to see that.
lt's actually very embarrassing.

So l thought l'd hire a family,
because l thought that was normal.

Right, look, l totally understand
you needing to walk away...

...because if l were you,
l'd walk away too.

But l think-- l needed to level with-- Yes?
Tuck.

lt's just l was really
looking forward to today.

lt's just been a lot, and l think l should go.

Lauren, l really want to get you home safe.
Okay, so Joe's is just on the way.

Let me pick him up,
and then l'll drop you straight off after.

Okay.
Thank you.

[SCHOOL BELL RlNGlNG]

BOY:
Hey, Mom, l'm coming!

Hey, spudley, how you doing?
Come on, give us a cuddle.

Hello.

This is my friend Lauren.

l thought Uncle Frank
was your only friend.

Who's Uncle Frank?

Yes. Ha, ha. Um.... Ahem.

He's right.
He is my only friend from work.

But this is my new friend. Lauren.

Hi.
Hi.

Hey, what are you two doing
this afternoon?

l need some help with work.

You could be the men for the job.
No.

JOE: Yeah?
TUCK: That sounds great.

[LAUGHS]

[T-99's "NOW l'VE GOT A wOMAN" PLAYS]

[SCREAMS]

[ALL LAUGHlNG]

Hands up.
No.

Now I've got a woman

She's got a magic spell on me

Go to sat cam 6.

Bye, Lauren.

Hello.

Now I've got a woman

He just used the kid.

He used the kid.

Maybe we could get you a kid, sir.
For a day.

You know a guy?
BOTHWlCK: l know a guy.

No.

She's got a magic spell on me

TUCK: l had a really fantastic day today,
thank you very much.

LAUREN:
So did l.

Good night.

[WlLLOwZ'S "REPETlTlON" PLAYS]

[SlGHS]

l got no beef with repetition

Go inside. Go inside the house.

You don't wanna see the--
Oh, my God.

l got no beef with repetition

Bring up 5.

Two--
Where did they go? Bring up 3.

Tuck, we need to talk.

ln a little bit.

lt's dead. He's killing our bugs.
Bring up 4.

There goes 7.

This is so bad.

But it feels so good.

We're dead, sir.

Yeah, we are.

Okay, Tuck.
Mm-hm.

Tuck. Tuck, l'm sorry.

l'm not this kind of girl.

TUCK:
l know exactly what kind of girl you are.

And that's why
l've completely fallen in love with you.

Damn. l think
that's the new British lnvasion...

...what happened there,
that's what that was.

LAUREN: l feel like l'm having a panic attack.
Breathe.

Breathe in and breathe out,
and come sit down.

Do you think it's possible
to love two people equally?

Love, yes.

Be in love, no.

What do you do
when you don't know what to do?

l ask Bob.

Your husband, Bob?

"Bob" Bob?
Yeah.

l mean, l know he's fat and ridiculous,
but he's my fat...

...and my ridiculous.

And l like the way that l am with him.

BOY: Mom, could you fix this?
Hey, buddy.

Don't choose the better guy.

Choose the guy that's
gonna make you the better girl.

Right?
BOY: Right.

FDR:
l love you?

Pretty fancy words to get the girl in bed.
Bravo. Well done. Good performance.

l don't expect you to understand.
Why can't you just admit you lost?

l didn't. l was doing well until you turned up
with your big hair and your white teeth.

As per usual.

Let's not forget, yes, l did find her first.
Yeah, but she fell for me, Tuck.

She fell for me. lt's not my fault
you're always a step behind.

lf l'm only a step behind,
it's because l'm cleaning up after you.

Do you know what?

l couldn't give a monkey
who Lauren chooses between us.

But this, what we had....

Yeah, what?
lt's over.

l already asked Collins for a transfer.

[CELL PHONE BEEPlNG]

Lauren. How are you? Are you well?
LAUREN: Hi. Oh, l'm pretty good.

Good.
Are you busy?

No, no, l'm just at work.
What are you doing?

Oh, nothing much.
A bit boring, to be honest.

Do you know that new place on Third?
l know it very well.

Can you meet me there?
l can be there in half an hour.

Okay. l'll see you for lunch then.
That would be lovely.

I'll see you there.
All right, my love.

Bye.
Bye.

She called you.

Gotta go, mate.

Have to pack up anyway.

Lucky water bottle.

TUCK [ON SCREEN]:
Anyway, she is a brilliant mother.

What are you doing?

DlCKERMAN: Watching last night's
surveillance video on Tuck.

Time to close the books on that one,
Dickerman. She got away.

All right, Dick,
l'll see you when l see you.

TUCK: l had a really fantastic day today.
Thank you very, very much.

LAUREN: So did l. lt was fun.
TUCK: It was.

l, well....

Scroll back for a second.
LAUREN: Yeah, so....

Now zoom in.
DlCKERMAN: There?

No, no, on the background.

Freeze that and enhance.

That's Heinrich.

He's here. l have to get Tuck.

l'm really glad you called.

l didn't expect you to.
lt was a surprise.

LAUREN: Really?
TUCK: Yeah.

Which is great,
because l love surprises.

You do? Gosh, l don't.

Usually, they turn out more bad than--

Good grief.

Hi.
Hi.

FDR, what are you...?

Uh, l'm sorry.
Tuck, this is my friend FDR.

FDR, this is Tuck.

Hello, it's lovely to meet you.
Lovely to meet you.

Are you British?
Yes, l am.

That's a crying shame.

TUCK: Why?
Oh, no reason.

You have--
You have very gentle hands, don't you?

Strong hands.
TUCK: Gentle hands.

FDR: Strong hands.
TUCK: Gentle hands. lt's like holding a salmon.

Can you excuse me for just a second?
l'm just gonna, um....

Just a minute, for a second.

Order me a drink.

ln a shot. l'll be right back.

[OVER SPEAKERS]
Oh, so horny

Oh, so horny

[PHONE RlNGS]

Hello.
LAUREN: Trish.

They're both here. You gotta get over here.
l'm hyperventilating.

l told you you shouldn't date two guys
at the same time.

What?

You have neither the grace nor the humility
to lose like a man, do you?

lt's Heinrich.

He's in L.A.
We have to get on it right now.

You know, you are incredible.
Really, you are.

l have to take my hat off to you.
This is impressive.

Listen.
You take your hands off me.

This is not-- Tuck. Tuck.
Take your hand off me, mate.

Yeah?

Yeah, all right.
Where you going? Hey, where you going?

Hm?

[EXHALlNG]

[PATRONS SCREAMlNG]

You can do this. You are a confident
woman who can deal with conflict.

l'm gonna pass out.

Has that been on my teeth
the whole time?

[BOTH GRUNTlNG]

Get out there. Tell them your decision.
They're rational.

They may even become friends.

They'll probably just shake hands.

My boobs are sweating.

[TUCK COUGHS]

l should have killed you in Kandahar
when l had the chance.

What? Were you having a laugh, mate?

l was the only thing keeping you alive
in Kandahar, mate.

l was your only friend.

Friend?

You two know each other?
Well, Lauren....

You two know each other?
Yes.

What was this?
Some sort of bet? Some sort of game?

To see who could get the girl first?

No, no, no.
TUCK: Lauren...

...let me explain.
Let me explain.

l'm really-- No, actually-- You've done--
Lauren, listen-- Shut up.

l trusted you.

Lauren. Lauren.

LAUREN:
It's worse. They know each other.

What?
l don't know how.

l got-- l walked in
and they said they were friends.

Here, drink this.

Oh, my God, what is that?
lt's a screwdriver.

lt's mostly vodka.

But l'm sure there's some apple juice
or something in there from somewhere.

l feel like an idiot. l thought they cared.
Can we get out?

Yeah, sure, we could just go
to a bar-- what--?

Oh, my God.
What--?

Excuse me.
ls there something l can help you with?

Just give him your keys.
l don't want the car.

l want your boyfriends.

Don't talk to me, mate.
ln fact, don't ever talk to me again. Don't--

[SADE'S "SMOOTH OPERATOR"
PLAYS AS RlNGTONE]

ls that Sade?
Sade is not exclusive, my friend. Jesus.

Ah, look.
FDR: Put it on speaker.

All right.

Hi, Lauren, l'm really, really sorry
about what happened.

Lauren, it's FDR. l am so sorry
about what happened.

Would you just be quiet?
Come on, maybe she wants to talk to me.

Why didn't she call your phone then?

l don't know.
Shut up.

You shut up.

Lauren--
HElNRlCH: No, you shut up.

You two come alone unarmed
to Warehouse 22 in San Pedro.

Or l'll have to kill your pretty girlfriend
and her friend.

I see any police,
any agent within a mile...

...you get her head in the mail.

Be there in an hour.

lf we go to that warehouse,
she's not walking out and neither are we.

What is that?
GPS. l put a sat-tracker on her.

You put a sat-tracker on her?

Of course l did, didn't you?
No.

l didn't put a sat-tracker on her.
That's immoral. l put one on her cell phone.

Steal this car, Tuck.
Got it.

Thank you.
She's heading eastbound on Venice.

Try not to screw this up.
You try not to.

Stop repeating everything that l say.

BOTHWlCK:
FDR, target is holding steady.

One mile to contact.

Tuck, negative, 0.8 miles to be precise.

Get me close.
l'm gonna pull a Monte Carlo.

Negative, we don't have the angle.
Do a reverse Karachi.

Fine. Just get me close.

[SCREAMS]

No! What are you doing? No!

Trish!
TUCK: Got it.

[SCREAMS]

Shit!

[lN GERMAN]
Drive, you idiot!

What the hell is going on?

l'm gonna be honest.
l am not a travel agent.

Really?
l'm not a cruise ship captain.

No shit.

[ALL SCREAM]

LAUREN:
Oh, my God!

Oh, God.
FDR: Okay.

Grab the wheel, please.

TUCK: Girl, l've seen you drive. Take the wheel.
l'm not gonna drive this car.

TUCK: Turn around.
Shit!

FDR:
Tuck!

l missed you.
l know. l've missed you too.

l love you, man.
Love you too.

FDR: We're back.
Oh, my God. l'm Yoko.

WALSH [ON TV]: Good afternoon, I'm Susan
Walsh coming to you live from the studio....

Mom.
Yeah?

ls that Dad?
Huh?

BOYLES: where are they going?
Headed south on the 31 0 Freeway.

BOYLES:
But that freeway's incomplete.

Three hundred feet, 200.
They're running out of road.

[SCREAMS]

[ALL PANTlNG]

l hope you can forgive him, Lauren.

He's the best man l know.
Bollocks, mate.

You two belong to each other.
You really do, you belong to each other.

Thank you,
she's already made her choice.

No. No, l didn't.

You didn't?
You didn't?

What?
No, l mean, l did, but--

ln light of everything l found out, l feel--
Tuck.

lt's bulletproof.
The lights.

Shoot the headlights.

Front-impact airbag deployment
in all models after 2006.

[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]

Are you okay?
Yeah.

FDR: Good.
LAUREN: Yeah.

l'm okay.

All right, get a room.

WALSH: We do not know how it started.
l don't think he's a travel agent.

It may have involved
a German terrorist group...

...as well as two federal agents.

Let me take a look at that, sir?
No, l'm fine.

l was gonna tell you.
That's why l asked you out.

Yeah, it's okay. l, um....

lt's good. lt's good. l understand.

Okay.
lt's good.

Does Joe know about this?

Um....

No.

No, not yet,
but l think he will in a minute.

All right.

l should-- l should probably--
l should probably head off.

Okay.

Good.

Take care.

Hey, Tuck.

l'll, uh, take care of all this.

Thank you.

All right.

l'll see you--
l'll see you in the office?

No.

l'll see you in the field, mate.

Come here, you.
Come here, you.

l love you.
l love you too.

You're family always and forever.
Yeah. So are you.

Take care.
You take care of her.

So....

So when l added it all up
and l crunched all the numbers, it was a--

Shh. No more thinking.

You're gonna make me regret this,
aren't you?

FDR:
For the rest of your life.

[SPEAKS lN JAPANESE]

Did you see that? You see, it worked.

lt worked. You see that?
What'd l tell you? Hm?

You happy?
All right, go get your sneakers. Go on.

You're not listening to me.
Mate, can l have a quick word with you?

That's it, stand up.

[GRUNTlNG]

A brave man once said to me,
"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

Bye, weakness.

MAX:
Weakness leaving the body.

KATlE: You go on.
Talk to your friends for a bit.

Hey.

So you're not a travel agent?

No.
Mm-hm.

Um.... This is me.

Hi, um, l'm Katie.

Hello. l'm Tuck. Pleased to meet you.

Tuck?
That's right. Yeah.

So nice to meet you. Finally.

You hungry?
Yes, l am.

Well, you wanna get some dinner?
As a family?

Yes, yes, l would.

Okay, good.

Okay, bud, time to go.

[CELL PHONE RlNGS]

FDR:
Hello?

Hey, babe,
you're using the vector chute, right?

FDR:
Yeah, of course.

lt's got high-tensile fiber
and triple-secure locking features.

lt gets fives across the board.

Oh, God, l love it when you talk dirty.

Ha, ha. Oh, Nana's tomorrow night.
Don't forget to tell Tuck to bring Katie and Joe.

Hey, Nana's tomorrow night, huh?
ls that Nana you're talking to?

No.

Did you tell him yet?

l'm just about to.
Good luck.

l love you, baby.

l love you, baby.
Bye.

Ah! l'm gonna throw you
the best bachelorette party ever!

Are you sure that we should do this?
Have l ever, ever, ever steered you wrong?

Brother.
Yo.

l asked Lauren to marry me.

Will you be my best man?

[BOTH SHOUTlNG]

Jump run!
Hey, you're good.

l know it's a little awkward with you
having slept with her and everything, but....

Don't worry about it, Lauren didn't even--
l just think it's poetic justice, right?

What is?

Well, l've been meaning to tell you this
for a while, but l slept with Katie.

Once. Long time ago.
Before you guys even knew each other.

Slept with my wife?
She wasn't. You didn't know her.

You slept with my wife?
lt was a long time ago, man.

l never even slept with Lauren.

What?
l never slept with Lauren!

No, l only let you think that, right?
Think that, to make you jealous.

You never slept with Lauren?
You slept with my wife!

[English - US - PSDH]