Think Like a Man (2012) - full transcript
Four women have given up on getting their men to do what they want until they find a how to book written by Steve Harvey. They start using his advice about relationships, and their men start falling in line, until the men discover what the women have been doing, then the war is on.
and throughout the world's history,
there have been clearly defined rituals
See, these rituals were definitive
in determining the exact moment
when a boy became a man.
For example, there's the moment
when a boy joins the other men
in his first engagement in battle.
Did you know that they used to have
public circumcisions in front of the village?
Thank God mine didn't go public.
And the most significant moment of all,
That's right, I said it.
In fact, marriage used to be
the ultimate goal of boys and men.
Because in the old days,
it was the only way a guy could get
what he really wanted from a girl.
See now today? Woo!
Things have changed, people.
I mean, men, we don't have to work
as hard to get what we want.
We got the Internet, for God's sake.
I can be whatever I want on the Internet.
Today, men have
the home court advantage,
which has left you ladies
with several different types of men.
I mean, I don't even know where to start.
You got the Player.
Those aren't mine, asshole.
You sure that's not...
Wait a minute, I'm not done.
You got the Mama's Boy.
Happy, Valentine's Day, sweetie.
And you, too, Mom.
Thank you, sweetie.
You know, I think I'm just gonna
leave you two alone.
Wait, babe, where are you going?
It's okay, Michael.
I don't want to intrude.
- I'll call you?
- Or not.
Poor little thing.
You got the Dreamer.
The Dreamer's funny.
So I quit my job.
I wanna be a chef.
You wanted to be a paramedic,
you wanted to be a PR agent, and now
you wanna be a chef?
Baby, it's my dream.
Really, Dominic? Because I wanted
to be a ballerina and Janet Jackson.
When I was seven.
Do you know what I wanna be now?
And last but not least,
you got the Non-Committer. Pass the ball!
This one is from me.
All right, baby.
- All right! Now it's a party. Drum roll.
- Okay, big guy.
Oh, my God. I will, I will, I will, yes!
You will what?
that I will always treasure.
You the man, boy.
- You need a beer?
Now I'm not saying there aren't
a lot of good men out there.
Take, for instance,
the Happily Married Man.
Which brings us to my personal favorite,
you got the Happier Divorced Guy.
Look at that smile.
What I'm saying is,
the balance of power has shifted.
But, Zeke, those aren't
my only issues with Gail,
it's the nagging, it's the yelling,
it's the crazy mood swings.
I mean, you're not gonna talk to me
no kind of way. I'm a grown-ass man.
- Grown-ass man.
- You know me, Dom, I'm grown.
Them weren't the only problems you
was having with Gail, though, right?
- Yo, Zeke, do not get that man started.
- I'm asking a question!
No, let's get me started up.
Turn the key! Say it, get it out!
Rumor has it that Gail
was whooping that ass.
What's the first word you said?
- I think it was "whooping that ass."
- No, first word you said was "rumor."
'Cause that's what it was, Zeke.
It's a rumor.
Ced, you walked in the gym the other day
with a little nugget in the side of your eye.
I fell down the steps, Mike! Okay?
I got steps, my steps got a slope in them.
You ever walked down a slope
with dress shoes on?
Wait, so, she kicked your ass,
then you fell down the steps?
- See, now it makes perfect sense.
- That's real funny.
Look at the white man trying to make light
of the relationship issues
- of a brother.
- It's not like that.
No, it is like that.
Let me tell you something, J.
Black people marched and died for the right
to fight and treat each other like shit.
- Oh, my God.
- You did not march,
you do not have that right.
Neither do you, Bennett.
I saw it on TV.
They show those marches a lot in February.
Your wife kicked your ass.
It's really not that big of a deal.
- There's worse things.
- It's my ex-wife. Okay?
Y'all need to get in the habit
of saying that. Ex-wife.
You know, it really kills me how y'all like
to laugh at my pain.
I can't wait till y'all experience
the shit I'm experiencing.
I say Rush Street,
first round on Bennett.
I'm supposed to have dinner
with Kristen tonight.
She'll understand, she's cool.
I'll send her a text.
Welcome back, everybody.
We are still here with
best-selling author Steve Harvey.
Well, what I try to get women to understand
is that times have changed,
but your playbook hasn't.
I've gotten thousands of letters
from all kinds of women
who can't seem to find a man, keep a man
or get what they want from their man.
Until you understand how a man loves,
how a man operates, how he thinks,
until you get into the mindset of a man,
you will never win with us
in the game of love.
Well, we certainly want to win with you
in the game of love, Steve.
- We have a question in the audience.
- Hi, Steve.
I've been living
with my boyfriend for five years
and he says that he loves me
and he's fully committed.
I guess what I want to know
is how come he hasn't popped the question?
He hasn't popped the question
because you haven't required him to.
We'll be right back.
- Can I get two beers?
I'm Cedric. Cedric, Cedric.
Yeah, I'm not married.
That's why I'm not wearing a ring.
I'm sorry, but Jesus has my heart.
Yeah, no, no, no, I get that.
I love Jesus, too.
I talked to him today,
I was like, "Jesus," I said, "I need a girl!"
And I get here and I see you,
so I was like, "Thank you."
You see Ced over there trying
to pull that PYT?
Oh, she bad as hell.
See, thinking like that, you lose the game
before you even step in.
What are you talking about?
I'ma go on and leave.
And I don't like her knees.
Excuse me, Miss.
I noticed that you were...
Honestly, I couldn't care less
about whatever it is you have to say.
And I can appreciate that.
I just know that I've seen you here before
and you're usually so stunning...
And you'll always have those memories.
In fact, why don't you walk away
and pretend this...
I don't know what I did
to make you so defensive.
All I'm saying is, whatever it is,
it's no reason to let yourself go, that's it.
Let myself go?
I didn't mean any disrespect...
Let me tell your tired ass something.
Usually, there's an aura,
there's a glint about you that I'm not seeing.
And I don't know if it's a relationship
or if it's job related, it's just...
Is that it?
It's work related?
Well, to be honest,
I was laid off from my job
about two months ago.
This damn economy.
- How'd it go?
- Not good, man.
Yo, I literally have nothing to say anymore.
I don't know what's going on.
And my breath ain't right.
- Drink a beer.
- You smell it?
You can't let that steal your smile,
'cause that smile that I'm talking about,
that's gonna get you that next CEO gig,
you get it?
See now? See? You're smiling.
Now I'm smiling.
I'ma walk away from here like a fairy now,
'cause I'm all happy.
- A fairy?
- Have a good evening.
- Thank you.
Got shot down.
She calling him back
for another episode of crazy.
She probably shot him down. Twice.
Crazy, right? Man. Talking about Jesus
and she don't speak English and stuff, right?
Luck of mine.
She actually gave me her damn number.
The Dark Knight strikes again.
How great is Kristen, man?
She's a phenomenal girl.
I just don't understand
why she's with this dude.
- Nobody does.
- How good is your credit?
It's up. Low 400s, 430?
Goddamn! A 430?
You can't even get a Discover Card!
Don't white people start off
with a 500 credit score?
Five-fifty, 475 if you're a mulatto.
Gail, listen to what I'm trying to say!
Gail, I don't care!
I don't care what you take out the garage!
Gail, you can take the whole damn garage.
Let me tell you something. Here's what
I want, and this is what's... Hello?
Y'all, I swear...
She didn't let me finish my sentence.
I don't like that.
Hey, Ced. When's the divorce
gonna be final?
Goodness, if I had to guess,
I'd say like four weeks, 367 hours,
22 minutes, 32 seconds.
That's just a guess.
- Who's counting?
- But you know what we should do?
We should take Cedric out
for celebration game night.
I can't do Sunday. This Sunday,
dinner with my ma. Little casserole action...
That's every Sunday.
I can't do Sunday either.
Jonah's got a violin recital.
My God, dude,
your kid has way too many recitals.
Wait a minute, hold on, wait.
Your son play the violin?
And the cello.
- Yo, he's gay.
- Playing the violin doesn't make him gay.
- Yes, it does.
- Name me one gay violinist.
- Your son.
Listen to this. Cedric is about
to be released from the shackles of Gail-Hell.
Forever. And we're about to miss it
for what? Another Jonah recital.
- By the way, he sucks.
I'd expect that from them, not you.
- What do you mean, "them"?
- Like what, like black people or what?
I don't get mad
because he's bold enough to say it.
Seriously, you have ears. Kid's tone-deaf.
This is his big solo.
They're playing the Gap Band.
You know, Dropped a Bomb on Me,
and he's got the last... "Baby!"
Look, I got a great idea.
I'll have my mom cook for us.
She'll make some chocolate chip cookies,
a big casserole. We'll do it the right way.
Mike, I almost punched you
in your damn face just now, man.
And I was gonna add a head butt.
I'm not going over your mom house
to celebrate my damn divorce party!
- We gotta eat. We can start there...
- I don't wanna eat with your mom!
I ain't going over his mom house.
Look, she just got the new Tyler Perry,
For Colored Girls on Blu-ray.
We'll just have a nice little fellas night,
a chill-out night.
Let me tell you what happens,
Janet Jackson gets AIDS at the end
and some crazy guy throws his kids
out the window. You good?
- Can we party now? Let's do it!
- I hate you.
- All right, put 'em up!
- Yes, sir.
Fine, I'm in, man.
Life is great, fellas. May it never change.
None of us could have known that
the first bomb had been dropped.
The war had been declared.
And hard-worn secrets had now fallen
into the hands of the enemy.
We had been betrayed
by one of our own. A man.
I'm talking about a man with a penis.
Someone who should know better.
And because of those actions,
a blitz was now on its way,
that would affect my entire
Band of Brothers.
We have another question in the audience,
Steve, I keep hooking up with guys
who don't want a relationship.
Why don't you stop hooking up?
Did you hear that?
Listen, men respect women
who have standards. Just get some.
Steve, I'm a partner in my law firm,
I own my own home,
but I've been single for three years.
Why can't I seem to find a man
to live up to my standards?
Maybe you need to adjust them a little bit.
- Are you saying that we should settle?
Look, you make six figures.
Does he have to?
You own your own home. Does he have to?
Yes and yes.
We have another question here
in the audience.
Hi, Steve. I'm currently dating
and I just wanna know
when is the right time for me
to introduce my man to my kid?
I know that single women don't want to have
a parade of men coming through the house.
- I get that.
- But if a guy is a serious contender...
- What up, Momma?
- ...bring him in as soon as possible.
- Morning, Mom.
Because if you invest six months in a man
and then you introduce him to the kids
and he's not feeling the kids,
or vice versa,
then guess what?
You just wasted six months.
That's true. Did that.
Look, babe, I got us
two double-shot lattes.
- Thanks, baby.
Figured we needed some caffeine
after last night.
It was amazing.
I'm gonna go and freshen up.
So, I'll be right back.
I'll be right here.
Don't worry, I won't.
So, babe, I was thinking maybe
we could go on our first real date.
- We could go see a movie?
- Yeah, babe.
We should do that. Things between us
are gonna start getting real serious, baby.
Okay, so I was thinking maybe we could
go see the new Tyler Perry movie.
You know, the one where the guy's,
like, mean to his girlfriend,
and a nice guy comes and rescues her
and at the end, they both find Jesus.
Alex? So, yes to the Tyler Perry movie?
It's Mya, asshole!
Did this nigga take my coffee?
It was like some long-hidden truth
had finally been released
in hardcover and paperback.
For my book club.
- For me!
- For my mom!
For the first time in their lives,
women all over
stopped turning to other women
for relationship advice.
I got one too many.
Instead, they went straight to a man,
He had made his name as a comedian,
but this shit here? This wasn't funny.
And because of this,
things would never be the same.
Yeah, hi. Hey, did you by any chance
go to Fairfax High?
I went there as well.
- Candace Hall.
- Yeah, I remember.
I had classes with your sister Lisa.
- Next in line.
- I'm sorry, I don't recognize you.
Well, yeah, I was, like, five feet tall,
99 pounds when we graduated.
I had the glasses and the buck teeth.
That look familiar, maybe down here?
Yeah, you do.
I don't know if that's a good thing
or a bad thing. You dissing me already?
Well, you've grown up.
And you haven't changed a bit.
You look amazing.
Well, you need to put those
glasses back on, obviously.
No, actually, I'm nearsighted.
Besides, I mean, how could I forget
my teenage crush?
I used to look at you
walk down the hallway
and just fall into your smile.
I'm rambling, I do that
when I get nervous.
Next in line.
Well, it was nice meeting,
I mean, seeing you.
It's nice finally being seen.
Next in line, please.
Could we go grab a cup of coffee
We could maybe catch up
on old times we never had.
I can't, actually. I have to pick up my...
- You got a boyfriend?
- No, I have a son.
Well, how about dinner?
- I finally get it.
- Get what?
Getting Jeremy to propose
is like getting Jeremy to paint the kitchen
or put the toilet seat down.
It's not gonna happen
until I require him to.
And I haven't required him
to do a damn thing.
You know we still go halfsies
- I thought that was your idea.
- Yeah, in college.
He was work study and I felt sorry for him.
And I am still paying for it, to this day.
Hey, I'm Kristen.
- Hi, welcome.
- Welcome, please sign in.
- Thank you. Six months.
Yeah, and we can't wait.
Here, come on.
- Watch your step.
- See, that is a man with a plan.
He knows what he wants,
he knows what he has.
I sell beautiful homes for a living
and we live in a frat house for the boys.
Last Valentine's Day, the boys were there.
So, you're saying, you're...
My God, I'm one of the boys,
except I have a vagina!
I swear to God,
Frodo Baggins had it easier.
- I'm sorry, who?
- Frodo, from The Hobbit.
I don't do hobbits.
Right, no, me neither. That's so lame.
Jeremy had a chess set.
It's totally stupid.
Okay, so what are you gonna do?
You're gonna trick him
into giving you a ring?
I'm not gonna trick him.
I'm going to require him.
It's been nine years.
So, what makes you think
it's gonna change now?
I've got some new information.
Oh, you do?
Yeah, because Steve says
"Don't hate the Player..."
Change the game.
It's your shot. Wait!
You gotta raise your left leg.
H-O, you're a ho.
Really? I'm a ho?
I've been with the same woman
for nine years.
I'm the Stedman Graham of relationships,
Bro, I'm not saying ho like "whore."
I'm saying ho, like punk bitch
that's been henpecked,
so he ain't got no more nuts,
'cause his girl runs the house.
- Speaking of which, how's Kristen?
- She's incredible.
We were up till 2:00 a.m. playing
Call of Duty last night. She loved it.
She does it... She does it for you.
I know my woman, okay? Fantasy?
Science fiction? Action figures?
- All the stuff I love, she loves, too.
- No, she does that shit
for you, trust me.
Deep down inside, she's thinking...
This is some silly-ass shit.
What the hell?
No wonder Jeremy hasn't proposed yet,
he hasn't gone through puberty.
It's time for a little spring cleaning.
No, no. That's your problem, Gail.
You don't never want to listen,
you just want to talk.
What'd I say?
I said I'm gonna be there tomorrow.
No, no, no. Listen, Gail...
- I'm not gonna go back and forth with you.
- Oh, man.
'Cause I'm trying to talk and you ain't gonna
let me say what I... Hello?
Did it again. Hung up on me again.
What do you call
the three rings of marriage?
The engagement ring, the wedding ring,
and the suffer-ring.
Oh, and, in your case, the beat-ing.
This is not the time. You know,
y'all underestimate me because I'm short.
No, it's 'cause you a fool.
What up? What's happening, baby?
The hell's wrong with you?
- You're stoned.
- Yeah, you're high!
Either you're high, or everything
on my eHarmony profile is true.
I'm high off life, gentlemen.
I met this girl.
No, matter of fact, she's not even a girl.
I met a woman.
But you are a woman.
Hey, guess who's back. Table eight.
She is way out of your league, Dom.
Ain't no such thing, playboy.
All right, she probably spends more here
in one night than you make in a month.
That's true, but, you know, just think
how much she'll save if I cook for her.
Oh, you crazy.
All right, Chef, coming up.
- Well, you look cute. What's going on?
- I do?
- Thank you, that was nice of you.
Just, you know, Duke made Little League,
got a new laptop, met a guy.
I think I'm gonna try the white sea bass.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Met a what?
A real one? Not a blow-up doll?
Okay, don't look so surprised. It's not that...
Honey, I'm just saying,
it's been two years since your divorce.
And three, maybe four,
since you had sex.
I said I met a guy, Lauren,
I didn't say I was changing my last name.
I need all the details, honey.
Now. Spill it.
- Is she hot?
- Pure fire.
Does she got real big titties?
Yeah, what's the rack like?
Tell us about the rack.
Definitely some white boy shit.
It is white boy shit.
We love breasts.
You're not even white, Bennett.
- He's got kind eyes. Soulful.
I know she got a fat ass.
She got that JLo, Serena Williams mash up.
Ass so big, I could hide underneath it
if it was raining.
- That's way too much ass.
- No such thing.
Damn right, it ain't. The bigger, the better.
But it wasn't just a physical attraction,
it was intellectual.
He loved The Immortal Life
of Henrietta Lacks.
He bought one for his mom's book club.
Isn't that sweet?
Yeah, and kind of gay.
He's a gentleman.
- Yo, she a ho. I know she a ho.
- Oh, definitely a ho.
Both of you, you both watch your mouth,
all right? This one's not a ho.
She's a lady.
- Whipped already.
- Enjoy it while it lasts, Mike.
Let me tell you something,
it ain't gonna last forever.
They all start out happy.
See, but here's when it gets real.
When you wake up in the morning,
and you go in the living room,
and you catch her pissing
inside of your Jordans.
And not the regular Jordans.
I'm talking about the ones
with the patent leather on the side,
where the pee don't come out.
Don't listen to them, Mike.
Relationships are beautiful.
- Just saying.
- So, when are you guys going out?
She got to find a sitter, first, and then...
What, like a dog sitter?
No, she has a son.
- She has a child.
All right, well,
be careful dating a baby mama.
- Because she's the baby mama.
Dude, she ain't looking for a couple laughs
and some butt-naked sex.
She been a couple laughs
and some butt-naked sex.
- She looking for a husband.
A father for her son.
Speaking of which, where's the baby daddy?
- Oh, good question, Zeke.
- Thank you.
Could be a psycho.
Just got paroled
for killing her last boyfriend.
Or he could be one of those guys
that like to hide in a bush
waiting for a strange guy
to come to his baby mom's house.
And when he gets there,
he pops out the bushes
hits this guy on the back of the head
with a brick.
Without even realizing that this guy's
relationship with his baby mom was platonic.
They ever catch that guy?
No, it's a cold case.
The cops won't even revisit the case.
They said they couldn't find the brick.
I'm just saying, I'm just saying.
- None of that matters.
'Cause you should see her smile.
- Oh, shit. All right! Okay.
- Good night, Mike.
Talking to you about bricks!
You wanna go talk about a smile.
- There is one thing, though.
- I knew it, he was born a woman.
- He's, you know, he's...
- He's what?
A little younger.
You have kidnapped a cub,
No, I'll have you know,
he seems very mature, actually.
Wait a minute,
why am I getting all worked up?
We haven't even had a date yet.
I still need to qualify
if he's even a contender.
What are his long-term goals?
What are his short-term goals?
Can he provide?
Don't hit him with all that at once.
I know, don't worry.
I intend to be stealth.
By acting like a lady,
but thinking like a man.
Oh, you fell for that sexist crap?
He's actually giving insight
into a man's perspective.
Why should I have to lower my standards
to get a man? Who does that?
I'm sorry. Now, what man?
I just want my equal.
Okay? Or at least an attractive,
Who's over six feet tall, makes six figures,
and isn't intimidated by my success.
Okay, girl. Quit chasing the ghost
of James Merrill's past.
He is married and long gone.
That man was fine.
Here we go.
Let's do a little research, here.
- This is you.
- Please, I don't...
and lonely women."
I don't need some bald-headed man
on a book
telling me I am strong
Honey, that's a given.
But you forgot lonely.
You are a bitch.
You're too strong, Lauren.
There's no such thing as too strong.
And you know what?
If I were a man, being the youngest COO
of a Fortune 500 company
would actually be a good thing.
Women would flock.
Yeah, but men flee
when you lead with that.
And it's not just your job, Lauren.
Remember what Marcel said
on your last date,
after you trumped his wine choice?
- It was a better choice.
- What were his words again?
"You don't need a man, Lauren,
you are a man."
Happy belated birthday. For you.
I'm just saying, all this waiting for better?
It's making you bitter.
I stopped off for a beer,
but picked us up some dinner.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! My anime posters!
We got robbed!
Kris! Are you home?
Yes. Where's the fire?
What's going on?
Have you not noticed
that we've been robbed?
I just tidied up a little bit. Relax.
- Tidied up?
Justice League? Darth Vader? SpongeBob?
Where are they? Are they okay?
They are safe. They're fine.
I just thought we could paint
the living room.
I thought you loved that stuff.
Why would you want to do that?
Because it looks like
we live in a frat house, Jeremy.
- Oh, stop it.
- We are adults, for Christ's sakes.
We make a decent living.
I think it's time to invest
and make this a real home.
With matching dishes and glasses
and a new couch.
Well, what's wrong with my couch?
Baby, you pulled it out of a dumpster.
I'm pretty sure Annalisa was impregnated,
like, right there.
It's got cigarette burns, bong spills,
there was the scabies scare of '06.
- You're being dramatic.
- No, I'm really not.
Your aunt who tinkles when she laughs?
She pissed all over the couch last Christmas.
It's disgusting. We're like animals.
I cleaned up the bong spill
and the cigarette burns.
This couch has history.
And now it is history.
So, here are some new ideas.
I thought we could look it over.
Research some new styles.
Gotta zero in on a color palette.
I know you like mauve. You know?
There was that period you went through,
where you were partial to salmon.
Yeah, I'd rather watch Letters to Juliet
with you again.
I know you would. 'Cause you cried
at the end when they got reunited.
I wasn't crying, okay?
I was having an allergic reaction
to the perfume in the theater.
You bought the soundtrack.
It's a good soundtrack.
Look, I'm really bad at this. Okay?
Please, can you do this?
- Without me?
- I trust you.
Okay, let me ask you a question.
Where is the last guy that you slept with
in less than 90 days?
You mean, John?
Hey, I had a great time the other night.
Oh, did you, Alex?
Yeah, Melanie. I was gonna call you...
Melanie? It's Mya, negro.
Yeah. I gotta go. So, I'll call you.
I know you did not just call her Melanie.
I'm not even gonna let him get to me.
I am in a better place
and I am on another level.
I don't know, Sonia.
I feel like I have X-ray vision.
Like, Man Goggles.
We spend all this time complaining about
how guys don't want to be in relationships,
they just want to hook up.
But really, all along, we've had the power.
Right. We have?
Yes! We control the cookie.
She who controls the cookie
controls the game.
Okay, I got it. What's the cookie?
- It's a metaphor.
- For what?
- Yes. The cookie!
- The cookie!
I got it. The cookie!
I'm telling you, the power's in the cookie.
So, how do we control the cookie?
By putting it in the cookie jar,
clasping the lid on tight,
and leaving it in there.
Until some little boy actually grows up
and earns it.
I get it.
It's kind of like when my cousin had
the five-date rule. It was similar to that.
Oh, no. That's child's play.
I'm thinking something
a little bit more radical.
See, this is why you need to get the book,
because it has a whole chapter on it.
"Getting The Respect That You Deserve:
The 90-Day Rule."
Are you high?
- Who is waiting 90 days?
If it's good enough
for the Fortune 500 company,
it's good enough for me.
See, when I worked at Ford Motor Company,
there was a 90-day probation rule.
I had to be on the job for 90 days
before they gave me a benefit package.
Ford figured this,
"Let's see how he performs.
"If he comes in on time, if he proves himself,
then we'll give him benefits."
So if Ford Motor Company waits 90 days
to pass out their benefit package,
why won't women wait?
You see, that's our problem.
It's that we keep giving it away
to some Axe body spray wearing man-ho
who thinks my name's Melanie.
But it doesn't matter,
because a girl's got needs.
Listen to yourself.
Do you really think you could wait 90 days?
Yes. I spent six months dreaming about
a guy that I met once at a wedding weekend.
The one you had sex with at the beach?
Yes, who never called.
I definitely think I could do 90 days.
Matter of fact,
I could do 90 days before 90 days.
I am so sick and tired of men.
Maybe I should start dating women.
My God, I'll give you 50 bucks
if you guys kiss.
- But there has to be tongue.
- Boy, get out of here!
Gave it a shot.
What is wrong with the men
of this generation? Like, what?
I ask myself that same question every day.
Whatever happened to respect for women?
Whatever happened to decorum?
May I have the honor of buying
you two lovely ladies a drink?
Absolutely. And thank you for asking.
- We would like...
Is it that you crave
Or that you want to discuss the politics
and nuances of the Chechnyan War?
You know, I don't really discuss politics
on the first encounter.
- And neither do we. This is why I'm...
- Oh, no, I know what it is.
It's the visual thing, right?
You saw me, you sexualized me,
you wanted to get into my pants?
Yeah, but then, what is it?
Because, you know, you don't know me.
I could be a psycho.
I could be a serial killer.
I could have 16 personalities.
- Let me get a Crown and Coke.
- Got you covered.
And 16 of whatever she's having?
My name is Zeke.
Nice to meet you, Mya.
Day one, 89 more to go.
Order for table 16!
Dominic. Valet's slammed.
Go park some cars.
- Thank you.
Hey, that's my car!
Who says you have to compromise?
Okay, where's the window?
Window. Window, window.
Not the final destination.
If I didn't know any better,
I'd think you were following me.
Just out for a drive, that's all.
Have a safe drive.
You changed your mind?
You think I could take you
to dinner sometime?
How's tomorrow night?
Look, we love the fact that you're a strong,
confident woman with a fabulous job,
but we're men.
Our DNA is encoded to be the provider.
And if you don't ever let us feel like
we're in control and necessary,
we're just not about
to profess our love to you.
I mean, we'll just find us a woman
who actually makes us feel like a man.
Yeah, a ho.
We're kind of like dogs, see, you pet us,
we'll be loyal to you forever.
Yeah, dogs. There you go, Steve.
I don't need that book.
Oh, yes! Yeah!
Jennifer's coming over tonight to babysit.
You're going to bingo with Grandma?
- No, actually. I have a date.
With a man or a woman?
Duke, why would you even ask me that?
Because I overheard Grandma say that
she was beginning to wonder.
You know I'm cool either way.
Yo, sorry I'm late.
- Yo, Bennett, get in the game, let's go.
- What's up, man?
I had the best night
of my entire life last night.
- Is that right?
- Check ball.
- I thought you got fired last night.
That's all right.
I'll make twice as much catering.
- All right. Play ball.
- Hope she's worth it.
What you gonna do with that?
What you gonna do with that?
Over the back!
See, I'm taking her to The Lounge.
Maurice hooked me up with a private room
and all I gotta pay for is wine and a fat tip.
Nice. So you gonna be escorting her
in that 2005 Honda Civic,
with the missing bumper
or that $155,000 car she think you drive?
I'm just gonna level with her, I guess.
And tell her what?
That you an unemployed prep cook?
Zeke, unemployed Culinary Institute
graduate. We talked about this.
- Yes, that's not my point.
- That's stupid.
That's dumb, Dom. You trying to get some,
you gonna have to lie.
Listen, one time I told Gail
I just won the lottery.
I need some gas money so I can
go redeem the ticket. She gave me $20.
Don't lie to her.
I don't want to lie to her.
Okay, hold up.
You don't have to lie. You omit.
Just, no, no, you omit.
You just tell her you're a high-end chef
that's in between gigs.
Your car's in the shop.
She think you drive an expensive car,
you're not driving it 'cause it's in the shop.
Matter of fact, my cousin, he got
a town car company. I'll get you a town car.
So all you gotta do is wine her, you dine her,
you tattoo your name in that ass,
then you tell her the truth.
Gail thought I was an account executive
and I met her in the mail room.
I had mail in my hand.
Yeah, but you became
an account exec right after that.
That had nothing to do with Gail.
- She set up your interview.
- No, she didn't. Thomas did.
Don't cut me off, Mike.
That's what Gail do, I don't like that.
- Why's he so sensitive?
- All right, Dom, either way,
once a woman's into you,
she'll put up with anything.
- Trust me.
- Only if you're putting it on her right.
All right. That's...
Come on, man.
- I'm gonna go clean the ball off.
- Bennett, just wipe it off.
No, I got some sanitizer in my bag.
Sorry, man. Wrong apartment.
That's my lucky chair.
What are you guys doing?
Baby! What do you think?
We spent the entire day at H.D. Buttercup
and we decided to go
- with modern with a mix of vintage.
Yeah. Gianni, our designer.
Old out, new in, beautiful, eh?
I think it doesn't even
look like our place, babe.
Exactly, it looks like grown-ups live here.
I love it.
Put the chair down.
The lucky chair stays.
Fuck, what... You speak Italian now?
Oh, my God.
- That's your dress.
Your ass looks great in that dress.
No, it's too sexy.
There's no such thing.
Sonia, I want him to last 90 days,
not 90 seconds.
I want to project "Keeper," not "Sports Fish."
Okay, what the hell is a sports fish?
See, this is why you need to read the book!
I don't want to read the book.
Steve says that a guy only fishes
for two reasons.
Number one, he fishes to eat.
That means he's looking for a keeper,
somebody to take home,
somebody to introduce to his mom,
somebody to build a life with.
Or two, he's looking for a sports fish.
That means he's looking for a trophy,
somebody to show off to his buddies,
put up on the wall as a prize.
But you gotta be careful with that one,
'cause he's gonna throw that one back.
How do I look?
Like a keeper. With a great ass.
Right. Now, the question is, is he?
Now I just need my hit list.
Now, what the hell is a hit list?
Will you get your wine off my hit list?
Girl, you're crazy.
This is where I wrote down my strategic
dos and don'ts for my date tonight.
Okay, you know you sound like
you're going to war, right?
Yes, girl, because love is a battlefield.
Steve says you have to set
the requirements very high
before you even get in the car,
'cause you don't want
to become Chirp-chirp Girl.
He just hits the locks and you hop in.
He don't even have to open the door.
I don't see nothing wrong
with being a Chirp-chirp Girl.
You look beautiful.
Goddamn, look how small your skirt is.
Sorry, sir, take it out of my tip.
I don't go out on dates with guys
who don't open the door for me.
No, he didn't.
Your chariot awaits.
Funny guy, huh?
I do okay.
Look, I think there's a few basic questions
that every woman should ask a man
to determine two things,
if this guy has a plan for you,
or if this guy is just gonna play with you.
My short-term goals?
What, you mean like tomorrow?
I need a bong hit.
To answer your question,
I guess my long-term goals
and short-term goals are the same thing.
Well, my entire life, it's always
been about hard work and improving myself
and I guess what I'm looking for now is,
you know, someone I can share it with.
- So, have you...
You go ahead, you go. You go.
What are your short-term goals?
You know what? I'd like to skip dinner
and get right to dessert.
That's where it started,
- you know?
This is a great choice.
Thank you. Thank you.
So, Lauren, tell me more about yourself.
What do you do?
I'm in management.
For a media company. Yeah.
But I don't wanna talk about me, my work.
So, tell me about you. What do you do?
I'm a chef.
Well, I'm actually
deciding between two different offers.
That good, huh?
Yeah. But I don't wanna...
I kinda don't want to jinx it, you know?
No, I get it. No, don't, you shouldn't.
Okay, you know what?
Let's not even talk about work anymore.
Yeah, let's not.
So, what are your views on relationships?
Or your long-term goals. Either one.
To be honest, I really want to open
my own restaurant one day.
Sorry, that's work.
No, that's a dream.
We can talk about dreams. Dreams are good.
It's nice to hear a woman actually say that.
I just believe you can make
any dream come true
if you're willing
to work hard enough to get it.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Remember when we were in college
and we used to get
so high and talk for hours?
Like about our dreams,
and like our plans and our goals.
And time travel.
Like, what do you think about
the future, Jeremy?
I don't think we'll be riding around
in hovercrafts or anything, but droids.
Definitely droids. There better be droids.
No, I mean, like your future, Jeremy.
What are your long-term goals, Jeremy?
Who are you, Oprah?
I just have this amazing idea
of a rocker, chic kinda look,
so, it's really exciting.
- No, that is exciting.
what are some of your long-term goals?
Kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants
kinda guy, you know?
Oh, turn that up. Turn that up, turn that up.
That is my... Yeah.
- You know these guys?
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
My band opened for them once.
You have a band?
Had a record deal for a second.
Let me hear your CD. Come on!
What makes you think that I have a CD?
I don't know anybody who's been
in an R&B band
who doesn't have their own CD in their car.
Wow, I feel so unique right now, it's crazy.
- That's why you're reaching for it.
Let me see it.
That is crazy.
Hey, at least I didn't have a Jheri curl.
Play me your favorite track.
Please say a command.
CD. Play track
Playing track seven.
Last night I had a dream about a dream
You wrote this?
Now every time I think it seems to be
This is beautiful.
One minute I was over love
A second later I was a part of us
Who was she?
The girl who broke your heart.
What makes you think a girl broke my heart?
I left that all on the track.
Last night I had a dream about a dream
Oh, my God.
- Okay. Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- What's wrong, what's wrong?
It's just... I don't do this on the first date.
Okay, I understand.
I'm a Christian, too.
I respect that, you know, and...
I had a really wonderful time.
There. I accomplished it.
My real short-term goal.
I've been thinking about this all night.
I want you to meet my mother.
It would really mean a lot to me.
I'd like you to meet my son.
I would love that.
Just name the time and place...
Hi, I'm Duke. Did you touch my momma?
It was PG, little homie, not even PG-13.
Sure. You like video games?
Have you ever played Street Racer Three?
- Then you haven't lived, my man!
You have a good night, all right, Candace?
Good night. Thank you.
- It's nice to meet you, Duke. Make sure...
- Nice to meet you, too.
I really had a nice time tonight.
I had a really good time, too.
Okay, okay, okay.
This is officially good night.
Okay, you know what?
I could use a nightcap.
- A nightcap.
Yeah. There's this really nice bar
around the corner.
- You should have fun.
- What... So it's like that?
You have no idea.
So, how long are we talking
before I get invited up?
For a nightcap.
This bitch is crazy.
I made you breakfast.
- From my kitchen?
- Let me take that.
It's a simple eggs Florentine,
but with a twist,
because I used the ingredients
from your Thai takeouts.
- Simple? This looks amazing.
- Well, let me know what you think.
This is so good.
Yeah? Well, I love a woman who can eat.
And I love a man who can cook.
Maybe you'll let me do it again
for you sometime.
A little spicy?
That's my best friend, Candace.
- And my godson, Duke.
You know, you're not exactly what I picture
when I hear the word "godmother."
Thank God for that.
You let yourself in again, huh?
I didn't expect you to be here.
I figured you'd be tiptoeing around her place.
Well, first of all, I live here, not you,
and second, she has this five-date rule
before I get invited up.
Can you believe that?
I'm the Negro Gigolo, the original Nigolo.
Five dates? What, is she some type
of Farrakhan Muslim or something?
She's a diva.
She literally refuses to walk through
a door unless I open it for her.
Gail used to do that.
Gail used to get on my nerves with that.
"Get the door for me. How am I walk in
and you ain't open the door?"
"My hands hurt.
You better open that goddamn door!"
- That's why I'm gonna end it right now.
- Yeah, you need to.
'Cause you don't need her.
You got me, and what we got is special.
Open her door.
It's 2012. Come around and open my door.
I don't know, Sonia,
I just felt like a different woman.
I felt so in control and strong, and...
What about him?
Well, I think...
"Are you available for dinner
Well, are you?
Well, I do believe that I am.
But I do not go out with guys
who ask me via text.
I don't go out with guys via txt!
You know, Gail always suggested them
egg whites, she said they was better for you.
Hey, can you put a shirt on
while you cooking, man?
Look at these hours.
What you come in here glowing
for like you're pregnant?
Hey, you got some. Oh! On the first date?
- Homie scored.
- Yeah, I did.
And I'm totally screwed.
We never once talked about my job.
- You really like him.
- I really do.
I don't even know how much he makes.
And you know what? I don't care!
I believe in his dreams.
She thinks I'm a chef on the rise.
With a cold-ass Benz.
And a sexy limo driver.
I looked good last night,
I had the hat cocked to the side.
Guys, she's going to run
when I tell her the truth.
Whatever you do, you don't tell her the truth.
- Thank you.
- You delay.
Hell, I wouldn't tell her
until she was in her third trimester.
- Yeah, I can't do that.
- Dom, I know you, okay?
And you're trying to grow a conscience here.
Trust me on this one.
Honesty is overrated, man.
Hey, that's in the Bible. Old Testament.
I just don't want a relationship based on lies.
That's called marriage.
Dom, you don't fool me.
I know what this is about. This is about sex.
You didn't do what you were
supposed to do in the bedroom.
That's why you walk through here
with your shoulders all slouched
and your self-esteem all low.
It's true. When you don't smash right,
the insecurities come out on you.
You know what he did? He gave it a LD.
Lazy Doodle. That's exactly what he did.
Right. You gotta put it down like
the right enforcement.
I can't do this no more. I'm done.
I'm done with this.
Like, dude, put a shirt on. It's us!
There's no one else here, just us!
So, you're telling me she's got a son?
Yeah! Duke. He's six years old.
An amazing kid, full of energy.
That's an awful lot of responsibility, baby.
Well, she's a really responsible woman, Ma.
I'm not talking about her,
I'm talking about you.
You really think you got what it takes
to date a single mother?
Well, I was raised by
a single mother, wasn't I?
Oh, but I'm one of a kind, baby.
Trust me, Ma. You are going to love her.
Some place that hasn't changed,
that still looks the same.
Yo, J, what's wrong with you?
My Fortress of Solitude has morphed
into a damn Bed, Bath and Beyond.
- What does that mean?
- I'm telling you, he talks in code.
Listen, Kristen, she redecorated.
Redecorated? Why didn't you say that?
No, no, no, she didn't redecorate.
Every trace of my identity, gone!
My anime posters,
Battlestar Galactica shot glasses
that you used to like, it's all gone.
Wait a minute. She ain't even ask you?
She just threw your stuff out?
- That's some takeover shit right there.
- That's crazy.
I was starting to feel like someone else.
Someone warm and modern
with a smattering of vintage.
That's probably your lips tingling. It's a STD.
You just put your mouth on Zeke's drink.
- And she threw away my couch!
- Thank God!
- That couch has a lot of memories, guys.
- Is that what that smell was?
Yeah, all of us got laid on that couch.
- You've had that couch since college, right?
That's some white boy shit.
- No, that's some Jeremy shit.
- No, that's some white boy shit.
I graduated college, I got rid of my couch.
What college did you go to?
DeVry, Class of February. Valedictorian.
Whose side are you on?
Ain't no brother on the planet
gonna let no fine-ass sista
sit on no stinky-ass couch from college.
- Preach, boy!
- It don't matter what happen,
you go and you find a way to get
that furniture, figure how to pay for it later.
Yeah, don't do that, though.
That's called negro shit. Don't ever do that.
That is negro shit!
You guys do that a lot.
You pay for something you can't afford.
Ced, you couldn't even afford your wedding!
I'm making my payments.
Listen, Kristen is a great girl.
Don't mess up something good
over a damn couch, all right?
The game was on,
but not the one we were watching.
While we were sitting there on our asses
watching the game,
our team was getting destroyed.
The other team was drawing up plays,
planning their strategies,
and plotting their next moves.
You still up?
I thought you were sleeping.
- I couldn't put this down.
Jeremy didn't even know
he was under attack.
God, it was such a trip.
I ran into Sarah's little brother.
And he told me he got a job at Neversoft.
Weren't you offered
an internship there once?
Yeah. Turned it down for a real job.
Right, yeah, that junior level one
that you're still in.
My brothers didn't even know
they were at war.
They were lost in the honeymoon phase.
They were too busy enjoying the ride.
All right, who's hungry?
I'm hungry, but, babe, babe!
Damn! Look at that ass!
That's nice. She's hot.
Guys, come on, that's somebody's daughter.
Wait, that's the baby mama? That's Candace?
- That is Candace.
- I know the baby mama.
No, she's Lauren's best friend.
So, apparently they play basketball
three times a week at the Y,
and Dominic says that Michael
is the most successful guy he knows.
- You scored!
I did well? You know what,
Michael said Dominic
is a really amazing chef.
I know, I know! I love food.
- Oh, no, bitch.
We can double date.
- Oh, that's not good.
- That's not good at all.
- Let's go play basketball, guys.
- Yeah, let's do that.
Whatever you do, don't double date.
That's right. Damn, Ced.
I was in the middle of getting dressed.
J, you're losing the game for us!
- Yo, you are killing us right now.
I'm setting screens,
you gotta be using the screens.
- You shot one for 27.
- The shot I made was a game changer, J.
That's it, I'm done. New teams next week.
I'm not being on his team anymore.
I'm not the one
that's not coming off the picks!
Excuse me, y'all done here?
We want to play some full court.
- Oh, yeah.
- Y'all take it.
No, no, no, we're not.
Got a lot more basketball
to play over here, fellas,
so looks like you picked
the wrong court to try and come and take.
We just ran three games!
- Yeah, Ced, we're good.
- No, we're not.
We are not good. Sorry.
Yo, so y'all stepping off or what?
Yeah, we were stepping. I was stepping on...
Stepping off? Who are you, Shaft?
How about you get some language
from this year?
So why don't you,
and the stronger version of Prince,
go back down to that side of the court
and do what y'all was doing?
'Cause if y'all want the court,
you'll play us for the court like real men.
So y'all want to play for it.
You heard what I said.
Am I stuttering, huh? Suckas.
- They're not gonna punk us. We men!
- People come in here, think they got us.
- You are not serious.
I am serious. It is what it is.
I thought it was just two of them.
I did not see the rest.
Turn around and say you're sorry.
- It's too late. We're in it.
No, I'm not apologizing for shit.
Michael, this is when you be a man!
All right, guys. If a game is what you want,
a game is what you gonna get.
You wanna play?
Ced, let him go!
- What are you doing?
- You okay?
- Get up, get up.
- I really tried to take it.
- It was obvious.
I really did.
I swear to God, I gave it everything I had.
I sprained my esophagus in the last game,
so I'm gonna sit this one out.
Your esophagus is in your throat.
- Shut up, Bennett.
- Zeke, we need six.
Zeke! Forget Zeke,
we'll just have to play with five.
Listen, we are men.
We tie our shoes up the same way they do.
Yeah, their shoes are bigger.
It don't matter. Be a man!
When I come out this, you better say
who you got and you better mean it.
Let's go. D up.
I got her. Let's go. Get yours. I got mine.
We welcome you all to
the JW Marriott Los Angeles.
But then, the bubble burst.
For Dominic, the tables turned
on Tuesday afternoon.
...the best year in your company's history.
She is not just the youngest COO
you've ever had, but the very best.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lauren Harris.
- Mom? There you go.
Mom, I would like you to meet Candace.
For Michael, the bomb dropped
I've heard so much about you.
Well, I've heard nothing about you!
We just talked about her last night at dinner.
What are you...
- Well, I don't remember.
- Mom, why are you...
I don't remember.
It's beautiful, your home.
Just gorgeous. It's great.
Oh, wow, look! Look at this,
I have this exact same frame for my son!
Oh, that's right, you're the one with the child.
Now let me ask you, sweetie,
what does your baby's daddy think
about you dating my Michael?
Or is he incarcerated?
You know, how you people run around,
I don't know.
Incarcerated? No, why would you...
Candace, would you like a tour of the house?
Yeah, why don't we give Tandace
a tour of the house?
Candace. It is Candace.
It's... Candace, with a...
I can tell she really likes you.
- Come on, let's take a tour.
- Now come on, let's take a look.
Just come on.
Doesn't it tell a story?
I've tried to capture all the special
moments with me and my baby boy.
I bet you don't remember when I got you
that bracelet, though.
Outside of Paris, this little shop
with the cute little jewelry...
Remember that look on your face
when you opened up that box?
Yeah, I know, I know.
I thought we were in Milan.
No, we'd come from that restaurant...
Oh, baby, you're in my room.
It's where all the magic happens, girl.
- What do you think?
It's like a time capsule.
Oh, I keep everything the same for him,
for when he sleeps over.
You sleep over?
Just on Sunday nights, baby. It's nothing.
And Sunday nights have always been
reserved for his mother.
And they always will be.
I make his favorite food,
and then we play rummy.
Mom is the best rummy player right here.
A chiky-chiky rummy-rummy
I'm not gonna do it, not in front of Candace.
Well, let me get your laundry.
Let me help you with that, Mom.
I need some more socks, Mom.
But you know, I don't mind the stinking.
I just gotta scrub them a little more.
Scrubba-dub-dub. Baby Michael in the tub!
For Zeke, the cookie crumbled on Thursday.
So, the night is young.
What do you wanna do?
Well, it is our fifth date, right?
It is? I don't know, I lost count.
Did you really?
So it's kind of small, but I really got it
for the French windows
and 'cause it's close to work.
Yeah, maybe we should
get more comfortable.
I'm gonna put on some music.
Or you know what? Better yet,
maybe you should go ahead and choose.
Yeah, I'm a bit of a purist.
- I'll be right back.
Don't leave. I mean...
- I won't leave.
- Okay. All right.
Wow. You really are a purist.
How the hell did you get this on vinyl?
So, how do you take your coffee?
See, Zeke found out the hard way
that sometimes, a nightcap means just that,
Three shots of Jack.
You're so silly.
Oh, Ced, what you run outta this time?
I ain't had no milk.
Hey, let me ask you a serious question.
You think I look like Idris Elba?
'Cause the stripper down at the new club
Sweaty Crack told me that last night,
but I had a lot of ones in my hand,
so I don't know if she was trying
to play me or not.
Don't even answer. Don't worry about it.
'Cause it made me feel good
when she said it.
All right, looks like somebody got invited in.
How'd it go?
We had coffee.
- Mint Milano Cookies.
And we talked and we talked
about our childhoods and art and music,
and Plato's Allegory of the Cave.
What is Plato's Allegory of the Cave?
It's actually very profound.
On par with Bishop Don Magic Juan book
of pimp knowledge and street wisdom,
which is a very good read.
Five dates and all I get is a cup of coffee.
What is wrong with her?
Ain't nothing wrong with her.
What's wrong with you?
Looks like the old Negro Gigolo
is losing his flow.
I'm in a relationship without sex,
when all I'm really trying
to get is sex without a relationship.
So, when you gonna see her again?
Saturday night, nigga. Mind your business.
Hey, Zeke, when you go upstairs,
you gonna look in the toilet,
it's gonna appear to be stopped up,
I don't know for sure.
I just didn't know where the plunger was,
so don't be caught off guard when you see it.
There's a lot.
- So we stayed up all night...
...and we talked about everything.
Did you keep the cookie in the cookie jar?
- But of course.
I'm not gonna lie, though,
and say that it was easy.
I don't know, when he kissed me,
it was like sex.
So, yeah, thank you
for your advice on the undies.
Which ones did you wear?
- The granny ones.
- The grandma drawers?
I told you the ugly panty trick would work.
- You wasn't trying to listen now.
And it worked.
Now that it's not just a theory,
do you really think you can last 90 days?
It's Mya, asshole!
Yeah. Yeah, I think
I can definitely do 74 more days.
- I'm canceling the date.
He's a part-time waiter.
May I remind you, Miss Thing,
that we were both waitresses
for two years at Olive Garden?
Candace, we were in college.
I'm talking about a grown-ass man,
who admitted that he was valet-parking
the Benz he chased me down in.
It's kind of romantic.
It's kind of pathetic.
I thought you didn't care about
how much he made.
I thought you believed in his dreams.
- But not his pipe dreams. Come on!
- Okay, fine.
Dump the first guy
who puts you before anything else
because he doesn't make six figures.
Please, he doesn't even make four.
And I can't invest
that kind of time in something
that I know won't yield tangible dividends.
Would you listen to yourself?
Dominic is a person, Lauren,
not a stock portfolio.
Like Steve Harvey says,
there's no such thing as the perfect man.
You have to compromise on something.
What do you have to lose?