Thicker Than Water (1935) - full transcript

Are you going to eat your pie? Can l have it?

You've had two pieces of pie.

When are you gonna pay me

for your board and room?

l gave it to him.

- What did you give it to him for?

- Well, he said he was boss.

Oh, he did, huh?

Don't get sore, honey. l was only kidding.

From now on you pay me for your board.

Well, we've got to be running along.

Goodbye, honey.

Bye.

Where do you think you're going?

Well, we're going to the ball game.

You're going to the ball game?

Certainly. We businessmen

have to relax some time. Don't we?

We certainly do.

lf you want to relax,

you can stay home and wash these dishes.

- Wash the dishes?

- Yeah, what would his friends think?

You keep out of this.

You'll stay home. Come on, the dishes.

- l'll be seeing you.

- Oh, no, you don't!

lf l've got to wash the dishes,

he's gonna dry them.

l don't care who does what

but you're not leaving me here

washing the dishes alone.

After we get through,

then can we go to the ball game?

You can do what you like.

Thank you, honey...er, Mrs Hardy.

Get me the dish pan.

Over there.

Get me the soap powder.

And don't forget to rinse them off.

Get out of the way.

Pull out that board.

Don't keep handing them to me.

When it's dry, put it in a nice, dry place.

Now we're getting someplace.

You open the cupboard, l'll put those away.

See who that is. Oooh!

- ls Mr Hardy home?

- Yes, sir. But he's not in.

What's the matter with you?

Too lazy to answer the door?

- Good afternoon, Mr Finlayson.

- Good afternoon.

- What's the idea?

- l'm here for the payment on the furniture.

- lt was paid yesterday.

- Steady, woman! Not to me it wasn't.

- Oliver!

- Yes, baby, l'm coming.

There must be some mistake.

Did l or did l not give you the money

to pay on the furniture?

- You certainly did.

- Then why wasn't it paid?

l gave it to him to pay it for me.

Then what did you do with it?

- l gave it back to him.

- You gave it to me?!

l gave it to you to pay my room and board,

then you gave it to her. Recomember?

Do you mean to say that

the money that he gave to you

that you gave to him that he gave to me

was the same money

that l gave to him to pay him?

Well, if that was the money that

you gave to him to give to me to pay to him,

it must have been the

money that l gave him

to give to you to pay my rent, didn't l?

Mr Finlayson, l owe you an apology.

And $37.

Then this money must belong to you.

The next time,

l want my payment without any detour.

Ha! He gave it to you and you gave it to him

and who give it to what!

Why, you're all nuts!

You big dumbbell,

l can't trust you to do a thing.

And as for you,

l've a good mind to throw you out.

- You can't do it.

- l can't do it?!

No, cos l've paid my room and board

in advance and l gave it to him.

What do you mean?

That was the money that she gave to me

and l gave it to you to give to him,

then you gave it back to me

and l had to give it to her to give to him.

Was that the money that

she gave to him that l gave to you to...

Why, certainly.

Well, if she wants to give it to him,

that's her business.

- No use you and l arguing about it.

- Oh! Cut it out.

What humiliation.

Creditors hounding me at my very fireside.

You know what?

- What?

- l've got an idea.

Let's hear it.

How much money

have you and your wife got in the bank?

Well, if it's any of your business,

we have a joint account of $300.

Why?

Why don't you draw the money

out of the bank,

pay off the furniture and own it outright?

You wouldn't have any interest to pay

and you wouldn't have

any hounds in your fireplace.

- That's a good idea.

- l'm glad you like it.

Oh, honey?

What is it?

- Stanley's got a great idea.

- What now?

He said we should draw our money

out of the bank and pay the furniture off.

We'll do nothing of the kind.

That money stays right where it is.

Listen, tumbleweed,

from now on you mind your own business.

Draw the money out of the bank!

The very idea.

l've come to the conclusion

you haven't an ounce of brains.

Are you going to let her talk to you like that?

- l certainly am not.

- l don't blame you.

She talks to you like water off a duck's back.

lf she was my wife,

l'd throw her out of the back

and go and buy some furniture.

Stanley...you're absolutely right.

l'll learn her!

Come on.

- You know where the bank is?

- Why, certainly.

$300.

- That's a lot of money.

- lt sure is.

ââââ

Gentlemen, this beautiful

antique grandfather clock

is worth $2500 of anybody's money

and you're asking me

to give it away for $150?

- 155.

- 155. Thank you.

155 for the beautiful old antique...

At last we get something for nothing.

160! $160, do l hear any more?

$160 for this beautiful antique clock.

Oh, gentlemen! Step right up.

We're giving things away today.

There's plenty of seats up front.

$200, folks. Don't let me sell

this beautiful clock for $200.

- $200 once...

- 205.

- 205, 205...

- 210.

- 210.

- $225.

- $225...

- 230.

$230. $230 once...

- Just a minute.

- All right, lady, take your time.

Will you do me a favour? My heart is set on

that clock and l've left my money at home.

Will you keep the bidding open

till l go and get it?

Don't let anyone have it

and l'll pay you well for your trouble.

My dear madam, being a true southerner,

chivalry is my middle name

to say nothing of the hospitality.

$230 l'm bid,

do l hear any more? $230...

235.

- 235...

- l'll be back in a minute.

235 once, 235 twice.

Third and last call...

- $240.

- $240!

240, do l hear any more? $240.

245.

245.

- 250.

- 250. $250.

255.

- 255!

- 260.

- 260.

- 265.

- 265...

- 270.

- 270.

- Two hundred and...

- What are you bidding against me for?

- Well, you're bidding against me. 275.

280.

- 285.

- 285...

- 290.

- 290! 290.

Sold to the jolly gentleman

on my left for $290.

Thank you.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Well, folks,

that concludes the sale for today.

Hey, you!

Come and pay your money

and take your clock out of here.

Pardon me just a moment.

l beg your pardon, sir,

but you don't understand.

l wasn't bidding for myself, l was bidding for

a lady and she went to get her money.

Oh, yeah? Well, you did the bidding

and you'll do the paying. Boss?

Yes?

- What?

- He bought a clock and won't pay for it.

ls that so? Well, we've got a way... Oh!

l'll handle this.

l've had trouble with these birds before.

Now, you pay this man what you bid

or l'll call the cops.

You take that clock and get out of here!

You gave it to him

and he gave it to me and... Get out! Oh!

He gave it to him... Get out of here!

- Morning.

- Good morning, Mrs Hardy.

You know l have a joint account

with my husband

and l'd like you to fix it

so that only l can draw the money out.

l'd be glad to do it

but your husband was here...

That's very nice. Thank you.

What?! Did he take the money?

Yes, ma'am. All of it. He closed the account.

- Hey, Ollie.

- What?

Let's put it down a minute.

- Mr Finlayson!

- Yes?

- Have you seen my husband?

- Yes, he was here.

Thank goodness.

Did he pay you for the furniture?

- He did not.

- Then what was he doing here?

He bought himself a grandfather clock.

A clock?! What for?

For $290, that's what for.

Well, here's another nice kettle of fish

you've pickled me in.

What are you going to tell her

about the clock?

l'm gonna tell her nothing.

l'll keep everything in the dark.

And if you keep your mouth shut,

nobody will be any the wiser.

Hello, honey.

- What's the matter?

- Where's that clock?

- What clock?

- The clock you paid $290 for.

Why, that's ridiculous.

Where would l get $290?

- Where's that clock?!

- l don't know.

He was going to keep it in the dark.

And if l didn't keep my mouth shut,

nobody'd be any the wiser.

Why didn't you keep your trap shut?

Gimme that chair.

Are you going to cook something?

Yes. l'm going to cook his goose.

Taking my money out of the bank!

l'll give him clocks.

âââ

You can go right in.

The second room on the right corridor.

- Good morning, Mr Laurel.

- Good morning, Mrs Nurse.

- How's Mr Hardy?

- l believe he's convalescing.

l'll wait till he gets through. l'll sit over here.

Get Mr Laurel on the phone.

Have him come down here at once.

Why, Doctor. That's Mr Laurel there.

Oh, good. We need you.

Right this way.

Mr Laurel, l regret to inform you

that Mr Hardy has had a relapse

and l need to give him a blood transfusion.

Huh.

Mr Hardy suggested that you'd be pleased

to let us take the blood from you.

- How do you mean?

- Oh, it's simple.

We take some of your blood

and transfer it to Mr Hardy

to give him strength and make him well.

What do you think l am? A bloodworm?

Nurse, take Mr Laurel upstairs

and prepare him for the operation.

- This way.

- Do l have to take me hat off?

- Ready, Nurse?

- Ready, Doctor.

Open the valve.

- Doctor, look!

- Close the valve, quickly!

- lt won't, Doctor!

- lt must. Try it again!

Get the Doctor!

- Doctor, that Laurel and Hardy case!

- What?

Mr Laurel has passed out.

We've taken too much blood.

Reverse the operation. Give some blood

from Mr Hardy to Mr Laurel.

- But that'll get them all mixed up!

- What difference does it make?

They come to me for everything!

Come on!

Well, here's another nice mess

you've gotten me in to. Hm!

l couldn't help it!

The doctor sent me upstairs...

l look like you and you look like me

and l don't know what to do...

Shut up and come on.

Goodbye, Mr Hardy.

Goodbye!

Goodbye, Mr Laurel.

Goodbye, my dear madam.

Wait a minute, l forgot something.