The Watch (2012) - full transcript

What's out there?
Out in the great beyond?

And what's beyond that?
What's beyond "beyond"?

The answer is,
I don't know.

And quite frankly,
I don't want to know.

Because what I do know
is that they don't hold a candle

to the greatest town...

in the greatest country
on the greatest planet...

in the whole universe.

Glenview, Ohio...

USA, Earth.

Here in Glenview,
we value diversity.



I, myself, am friends
with an Indian man named Clyde...

and Mrs. Kim,
a wonderful widow from Korea.

Hey, Mrs. Kim.
Spray me!

Spray me, neighbor.

Whoo!

Sun shower.
Fun shower.

I don't have any black friends yet,
but I am on the market.

- My name's Evan Trautwig.
- Oh, Ed Bosani.

Every day, I ask
not what Glenview can do for me...

but what can I do for Glenview.

Jared, your glutes
are tighter than a snare drum.

That's why I founded the running club...

the Spanish table at the community center.

And created the position
of Deputy Secretary at the city council.



All right,
next item on the agenda...

stipulates curb height
for wheelchair access...

be no more than six inches in height.

I know this is a hot topic,
so I will defer to the commissioner.

Here, dreams really do come true.

A simple man can
start out as a junior manager at Costco.

And, 12 years later,
with hard work and gumption...

end up the senior manager
at that very same Costco.

I should know,
because that man's name is me.

I don't mean to bust your chops, kid,
but this is total bullshit.

Those rats are as flat
as they ever have been.

I'm sorry.
It really should be working.

Excuse me, sir,
if I might.

The activation button is right there.

Holy shit!
This is incredible.

There's chipmunks coming out of the TV,
Costco!

Look, the whole gang's here.

It's a great set. Full HD.
1080p, 240 hertz, TrueMotion.

Hey! Buddy, please,
this is a miracle of technology.

This is incredible.
Where do I pay for this baby?

Justin will load you up.
Go to front-end check out.

You're a beauty.
Thank you, switch man.

Turning the switch on.
Turning on a whole new world for me.

Hey, Justin, if we stop by
some free food samples...

I'm not going to be pissed, either.

But you know what?
It's not all about work.

I have had a lot of fun...

and formed friendships
that will last a lifetime.

Hey! There he is.

So?

There are fifty stars
in the American flag.

The Constitution was created in 1787.

And, I am now an American citizen.

Really!

- Yes.
- Oh!

Antonio, that's great!

I knew it. Good things
happen to good people.

And you are a good man.

And look, boss.

I got a new tattoo to celebrate.

- Wow. That's really fresh, isn't it?
- Yeah.

"Proud to be an American."
Good.

Maybe keep it covered, though,
because it's not really Costco policy, okay?

Yes, of course, boss.

I'm proud of you.
This is great.

All right,
I have to get out of here.

Oh, hey, listen.

If a bag of Bugles and
a six-pack of Coke go missing...

it's on me.
You earned it.

Thanks, boss.

Woke up quick
at about noon

Just thought that
I had to be in Compton soon

I gotta get drunk
before the day begins

Before my mother
starts bitching about my friends

A car pulls up
Who can it be?

A fresh El Camino
rolling Kilo G

He rolled down his window
and he started to say

It's all about making
that G.T.A.

Costco security,
motherfuckers!

Yo, man

Yo, man

Yo, man

Get the fuck out

Cruising down the street
in my six-fo'

Jocking the bitches
Slapping the hos

I went to the park
to get the scoop

Knuckleheads out there
Cold, shooting some hoop

'Cause the boys in the hood
are always hard

You come talking that trash
and we'll pull your card

Oh, yeah.

It's time to come out of the pool,
Denise.

Hey...

What the hell, man!

Shit.

Hello?

Mr. Trautwig?

Is that you?

Who's there?

Okay.

Oh.

What the fuck?

Listen,
they gave me a gun, okay?

And they didn't teach me
to use it properly.

So, you're in a lot of danger.

If you don't just back the fuck up, okay?

Oh, no!

It's just a baby shower, hon.

I don't know why
you're so excited about going there.

Everything is so great here.

We used to hate New York together.

It was like one of our things.

It is great here, Evan.
I love it. It's just a little boring.

Actually,
it's super boring.

I want to get out
and see the world a little bit.

Get some culture, eat some good food.
Go to a few museums.

We have museums here.

I think we're still a couple of days away.

But when I get back,
I'm going to walk through that door...

and we're going
to S-C-R-E-W...

Ooh!

...right on the kitchen floor.

Mmm. I love it
when you spell it.

Definitely.
Or we could do it in the bedroom.

Thank you.

Or we could start in the kitchen,
then move up to the bedroom.

- Bye.
- Have fun.

Be safe!

I love you.

What is going on?

Whoa. Sorry, sir,
I can't let you in there.

It's okay, I'm the manager.
This is my store.

I'm afraid your store is closed
until further notice.

What are you talking about?

We can't divulge that, sir.
Police policy.

Oh, wait a second,
you're the manager.

Do you happen to know the name of the guy
who was working last night?

Yes, Antonio.
Antonio Guzman.

Why? Did something
happen to him?

Guzman.

Yeah, he's dead.

What?

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

It looks like your friend
was ripped apart by a wild animal.

Jesus!

We're dealing with
one sick son of a "b."

Took the victim's skin.

Are there... any leads?

Or fingerprints?
Or did they...?

Slow down, guy.
We only got here two hours ago.

We strung up this yellow tape,
which took a while.

So, you knew the victim well?

Yeah, he's a friend.

He just became an American citizen.

And that made you angry.

No, it made me happy.
I was happy for him.

Then why did you kill him?

I didn't kill him.

What are you talking about?

Why are you staring at me like that?

Just kidding. Come on,
maybe you can help ID the body.

Back here.
I had you going, though. Man!

The victim has been
identified as Antonio Guzman.

Here's what police told us
about the attack.

We will do
the best we can...

but I, for one, would like to put some
of the responsibility...

on the citizens
of this town.

There are only eight cops in this town,

and there's
thousands of you guys.

Not to point fingers
or anything, but...

Stay with us for the latest details
on this developing story.

Back to you, Gail.

That's the half, and as the players
march into the locker room...

we're going to be joined
on the field by, um...

Evan Trautwig.

Did anyone here cry
themselves to sleep last night?

It's okay.
You can laugh.

Laughter is a common expression of grief.

And yes, I did cry...

because a man was killed yesterday.

But tonight,
my tears have turned to fists.

Because whoever did this is still out there.

Who is this guy?

And we need to stop him
before he strikes again!

Oh, he struck again.

No more murders!

Shh!

Because our society has rules.

And one of those rules is...

you can't kill someone
and take their skin!

That's not cool.

So, with that in mind,
I am forming a neighborhood watch.

A task force of concerned citizens

to solve the murder of Antonio Guzman.

To keep an eye on any and
all suspicious activities...

and generally...

get to the bottom of things.

Thank you.

Okay. Solid turnout.

Thanks everybody for coming.

You're that guy from Costco, right?

Yes. I am that guy.

Okay.

All right. You want to--?

Oh.

One more concerned citizen.

Do you mind if I look around
the place a little bit?

Looks like you have a lot of knickknacks.

Oh, wow. Hi.

Neighborhood watch meeting is...?

- Yes. Really?
- Yeah.

- Great. I'm Evan.
- I'm Jamarcus.

- Great to meet you.
- Good to meet you.

Great, that's great.
I was hoping another person would come...

and you're the best
type of person it could be.

Actually, I couldn't have
even hoped for someone like you.

I'm so pleased to have
this effect this early.

Terrific, this is exciting.
Come on in.

- I'm excited, too.
- Great.

Most people are disappointed
when they meet me which is so...

- British?
- I am, and you're American.

Yeah.

This looks like it's from Thailand
or something.

I don't know what it is.
Beautiful.

Oh, my God!
There's another doll in here.

Hi, look at this.
There's a doll in here.

Man, look at this thing.
Oh, my God, there's another one.

Look at this.
Did you know that?

Yeah. I did.

It's a Russian nesting doll.
Do you want to have a seat?

That's incredible.
Look at that little doll.

Oh, my goodness, look at that.
It keeps going.

It keeps going, there's more.
There's more dolls in here.

They call them nesting dolls.

You want to sit down?
We can start the meeting.

There's more dolls.
You have one doll, you have another.

I put this on top of this doll.

I just have to see.
I have to get to the bottom of it.

You're kidding me.

Okay, why don't we start the meeting?

You're not going to tell me
that goes again.

What's that?

Guys, there's another one.

Where can I pick one of these up?

I'm not sure.

Want to sit down?
We can get going.

I'm going to jump in here and do this.

Let's make party out of this thing, right?

Here's some handbooks.

Uh-huh.

All right.
My name is Evan.

I want to thank you all for coming...

and I thought we'd start out
by just getting to know each other.

Maybe we each stand up,
say who we are...

why we joined up,
what it's all about for us, okay?

You have any beers
while we get acquainted?

Beers? No, no beers.

All right,
I'll start this off.

My name is Bob,
with a "B."

Welcome, Bob.

I love the town.
I love my wife, I love my daughter.

And I love getting a chance
to hang with the guys.

So, I'm really into
what you're doing here.

Once a week,
away from the wife and kids.

Telling some dirty jokes,
having some beers, if we're good.

I really look forward to getting
a chance at tearing this shit up.

Really fucking it up.

Great. Thank you, Bob.

Really great to meet you, bub.
You, too, pal.

Uh...

That was a great speech.

I'm Franklin.

Welcome, Franklin.

Yeah.

A few years ago,
I dropped out of high school.

I wasn't feeling the vibe.

I wanted to become a member of
the Glenview Police Department.

I guess they didn't see
the magic that was me.

Apparently,
I didn't pass the written exam...

or the physical exam,
or the mental health exam.

Whatever that means.

So, here I am with this vigilante squad.

And I figure,
that's the best way

to work through my emotional shit...

and bust some heads in the process.

Okay. Just to be clear,
we're not a vigilante squad.

Vigilante squad, militia...
Whatever you're going for, doesn't matter.

No, not a militia or a vigilante squad.

Every group needs a wild card...

and I think it's safe to say
we found ours.

I dig it.

Thank you, Franklin.

You got a good one here.

What are you about?

Hello, my name is Jamarcus.
I'm recently very happily divorced...

and just looking to get more involved
in the local community.

Well, that was simple.
Welcome, Jamarcus.

Also, I have
this one scenario in my mind...

that I'm kind of hoping
plays out like this.

Young, sexy, Asian housewife.
Alone at night, frightened.

A noise out by the trash cans.

Best call the Neighborhood Watch.

I show up, look heroic and then,
get this...

She sucks my balls.

Hear me now.

I'm also interested
in that happening to me.

Okay, well,
Jamarcus, Bob, Franklin.

I guess it doesn't matter
what brought us all here.

What matters is
that we're all united in one cause.

And, with that,
I would like to welcome

you all to the first
official meeting of...

the Neighborhood Watch.

Yay!

Now, I've taken the liberty...

of dividing Glenview into 12 sectors.

Though some might argue there are 13...

if you abide by
the Yorktown Zoning Commission ruling.

I'm not buying it,
but I'm not from Honeywell County.

Thank God.

I'm sorry to be the squeaky wheel...

but it feels like you have
a lot of dense material...

that you're starting to go through here.

And to be honest with you,
my house is about five blocks away...

and I just fixed her up.

Gentlemen, I got drinks,
I got La-Z-Boys, I got flat screens.

I got the whole nine.
I know you guys are going to love it.

I just want to throw it out there.

If I'm overstepping,
just say the word...

and you're not going to hear another
squeak from this little wheel.

Well, honestly...

That sounds a fuck-load better than this.
No offense.

I don't even know
why I'm still sitting here.

I'm going to go warm up the car.

You're going to love this place.
It's awesome.

Gentlemen...

Welcome to paradise.

Oh, yes.

I'm a construction manager, and...

I built this little slice of heaven
with my own two hands.

It's so nice. I love it.
I'll set up over there.

You have a pool table.

Yeah, I just got it re-felted.
Go ahead and take her for a spin.

Hey, you like that thing, huh?

It feels like this chair
is inside me, Robert.

That is the best $2,300 I ever spent.

It's like Toys "R" Us
for your ass and back.

It feels like a thousand little baby
wizards are massaging my ass cheeks...

with their little baby wands.

Powerful imagery, brother.
I'm digging where he's coming from.

Handbooks. Boom.

What's your poison?
You down with Scotch?

- No poison.
- Scotch and yes.

- No poison.
- Scotch and yes.

- No.
- Scotch and yes!

We got a lot of ground to cover

and we're already an hour behind.

So, why don't we just dig in and
then we can get to whatever afterwards?

Guitar.

Come on, Evan,
we're just bonding a little bit.

Tell me about yourself.
I know you got a wife.

Do you have any kids?
How old?

Uh, zero years old.
No kids.

That's a shame.

I couldn't imagine
my life without my little Chelsea.

- Being a parent is unbelievable.
- That's great.

Dad, can I go to a movie at 11?

Hell, no!
It's a weeknight!

But Mandy and Judy are going.

Mandy? Thank you
for proving my point.

Mandy's dead weight, she's a succubus.
I told you that.

Dad, I'm trying to talk to you like an adult,
and you just--

Don't want to listen!
That's right, so skedaddle.

Get up there and do your homework.

Are you serious?
I fucking hate it here.

I fucking love it here!

That's my little princess.
That's my little angel, Chelsea.

I'm sorry I didn't get a chance
to introduce you guys.

How about some drinks?
Fresh horses for my men.

Yes, thank you.

Get in there,
Frankfurter!

- Yeah.
- No.

Come on, Evaroo.

- No, thanks.
- You'll be bummed if you don't.

Can I interest anyone
in some finger foods?

I got to order some pies
up in this thing, right?

Okay, you know what?
You guys got your own thing going on there.

I am going to put up some fliers.

Come on,
have one drink.

- No?
- I'll see you guys.

Okay. See you
tomorrow night.

Same Bob time.
Same Bob place.

Hey, fella!
What are you doing?

There you are.

1162 Jerome Park Drive.

Excuse me?

I'm 1157 Jerome Park Drive.

Name's Paul.
I just moved in.

Oh.

Oh, sorry. I'm Evan, hi.

Evan.

Evan Trautwig, subscriber to
Men's Fitness.

Oh, yeah, that's mine.

- Thank you.
- Not that you need it.

Excuse me?

You got the body of a decathlete, Evan.

And you got great skin.

You live here alone in this big old house?

No, I live with my wife.

My female wife, Abby.

- I'm going to go inside now.
- Mmm.

All right, Evan Trautwig,
nice to meet you.

Stay fit.

Evan Trautwig!

Yeah.

It was really cute.
We all got our own puff paints...

and made these little customized onesies.

Wow.
So, you started another club.

No, it's not a club.
It's a task force of concerned citizens.

I went to the Spartan's game
and made a speech.

And the community really responded.

Guess who peed
on an ovulation stick on the plane?

- You?
- Yep.

It's kind of faint,
but I think there's two pink lines.

Yeah? I can't tell.

Well, I think we should do it anyway.

- I would love to do it.
- Just to be safe.

Mmm. Mmm.

But I got to go meet
the Neighborhood Watch guys for a patrol.

Evan, you promised.

I know, but I also promised Antonio's
family that I would catch his killer.

I made a vow.

Okay, okay.

It's a great group of guys.

Really. I'm very excited.

Here we go.
Badass jackets for the Watch.

I went to the mall this morning
and I had them made up.

Get them while they're hot.

Let's do it.

Got your names on them.

All right, Bob,
this is great.

What happened to my logo?

This is just like your initial logo,
only now it's awesome.

This has nothing to do
with my original logo.

My logo was an eye that was
watching over the neighborhood.

I don't know what this is.
A tiger with wings?

Exactly.

This is a tiger,
who's fierce and sleek.

But it's got wings, so it
flies above the neighborhood.

And if it sees a domestic problem,
it kills it.

The other thing is,
your original one is here.

Got the eye right there on the side.

It's always on the side.

That's weird, because
it's like an eye on the shoulder...

but there's a tiger on your back.

Weird, how?

What are we,
the Flaming Tigers?

Because that's what it looks like.

We're the Flaming Flying Tigers.

It makes no sense.

Are you out of your mind?

This is inspiring for the Watch.

Whenever you have a tiger,
flames and wings,

all on the same logo...

it's like the Chinese symbol for
"Shut the fuck up and dance!"

This is inspiring for the Watch.

I don't know.
What, are we in a doo-wop group?

Are we're going to stand over a garbage
can with fire and harmonize?

I would see
this doo-wop group.

For your information,
doo-wop groups were known to close ass.

Singing was their hobby.
Closing ass was their job.

The baritone from Boyz II Men
had to stop making music...

because he got so much pussy.

Thank you.
They're like ass collectors.

This is not about fashion.
This is about brotherhood.

This is about solidarity.
You should get that more than anybody.

He's actually right.

Pigs have uniforms.
I think we should have uniforms, too.

We have to match
those fuckers on every level.

You understand?
Every level.

Can I just say, Bob,
that these are the shits?

Just "the shit."

These are just shit.

Okay, you know what?
Fine, I'll wear it.

But you have to promise me that tonight...

we're actually going to do something.
Okay?

- Absolutely.
- For sure.

Gentlemen,
we're part of more than a club.

We're part of a way of life.

We're making a commitment to ourselves
and to the Watch today.

Get your hands in here, Evan.

Get that pretty hand in there.

On three, let me hear you singing out
with pride in your hearts.

Neighborhood Watch.
One, two, three.

Neighborhood Watch.

Yeah,
this is boring.

Franklin's right. We're not going to
sit here all night, are we?

Yeah, guys, we are, if we need to.
It's a stakeout.

I don't mean to sound childish,
but I do have to pee.

You should have peed earlier.

I'm sorry, as an adult,
you're just going to have to hold it.

- How are you doing, Jamarcus?
- Ready.

I still have to pee. The liquid comes in,
the liquid's got to come out.

I got to piss.

- Why don't you just pee in this?
- Oh, great.

That's a good idea.

Don't pee in that.

I'm mounting up to piss.

No, you're not going to pee in a can.

- Why not?
- No, Bob.

I'm not going to miss
anything. I'm a good shot,

- I'm going to get it perfect.
- Open the door.

I've taken lots of road trips.
I've always done that shit.

No. Piss out the door.

And blow our stakeout position?

You're not going to pee in a can.

I'd never hear the end of it from you if
I blew our stakeout position.

There's no shot.

I got to mount up.
I'm mounting up.

- Okay, in we're going.
- Oh, my God, we're going.

I've had to pee so bad for so long,

it's borderline sexual,
Evaroo.

I'm not missing, either.
Tell him.

It's incredibly controlled, Evan.

It's like he's threading a needle.

I know I'm okay because
I can feel the steel right around the tip.

I've got the mushroom pushed
right against the cold steel.

Bob, hit me with a beat.
Hit me with a stop and go.

Stop it.

Make it happen.

Stop it.

Make it happen.

Stop it.
Make it happen.

You're killing it.

And we're done.

Well done.

Thank you.
That was a good idea.

Would you be a pal and hold this for me?

Oh, come on!
That's enough.

I'm busting your chain!

Hey, did I miss anything
while I was pissing?

Did we catch the killer?

Lighten up, big guy!

I'm glad you think this is so funny, Bob.

I'm glad you think
this is a laugh riot, okay?

Let's all have a laugh
while Antonio Guzman's killer

continues to roam free.

You know what?
He's right.

That sicko's probably out there right now,

staring at us from a distance.

Beating the living shit out of his dick.

Reliving his sick fantasy.

What are you doing?

Popping a top.

- No, you can't do that.
- Why not?

It's against the law,
it's illegal.

You can't have open alcohol in a car.

The car's not moving.
There's not even a key in the ignition.

Doesn't matter.

Franklin, you failed the police test.
Is this illegal?

It's definitely illegal.

But I also failed the boring test,
you know what I'm saying?

- I dig it.
- Hook me up.

I'm going to drink
this little, little cervezas.

All right, Jamarky-Mark?
Cannonball coming at you, coming in hot.

Evaroo,
you want to hold off?

I don't blame you,
you're driving.

Hey, to great times.
And doing it right.

To criminality.

Evan, tasty cervezas.

Keep it low, guys.
Seriously.

Put it low, put it between your knees.
Even lower.

I've been here many times, trust me.

Act like nothing's going on, you're fine.

Fucking guys.

Hello, officers.

Evening, gentlemen.
Are you doing a little cruising?

No, officers.
We're actually on...

Neighborhood Watch business.

Hide your bong, Chucho!
Neighborhood Watch is here.

Sergeant,
do you remember me?

No.

Have I arrested you before?
I'm not so good with faces.

Not good with faces.

You're a cop.
What do you mean you're not good with faces?

I don't see the connection.

But what I have been seeing
are these babies.

How's it been going?

Good, actually.
Very good.

Great.

We thought we'd start here at the Costco
and stake it out for a while.

Because as you know, most killers
return to the scene of the crime.

Oh, of course they do.

The killer always returns
to the scene of the crime.

So, fancy seeing you here, Trautwig.

At the scene of the crime.

I don't know what that means.

It means it's super-suspicious
that you're here right now.

And it makes me feel
like you have some secrets.

Well, I don't.

Anyhoo, when you fellas
finish playing Hardy Boys...

don't forget to pay this ticket

for those open alcohol containers.

And, this one is for putting up 200 fliers
without a permit.

What?

I'm sorry, guys.

You fellas have a safe night.

Hit it, Chucho.

God damn it!

I know he remembers me.
He's just messing with my head.

You can't drink in your car anymore?

What the hell is this country coming to?

Evan Trautwig.

Yes. Of course.

Noise complaint at the football field.

This is it, guys.

It's our first call.

Hell, yeah! Let's roll.

Let's do it.

Do you see anything?

Uh-uh.

- Hello?
- What the hell?

Turn off the lights!

Ahh!

I'm hit!

What the fuck is going on?

Robert,
we're getting ambushed!

What's happening?

We're getting egged.
It's raining egg!

We came to help!

Yolks on you,
ass-wipes!

Yolks on me?

A fucking pun!
I'm going to kill this kid.

I'm going to kill you.

God damn it!

They're getting away, Bob!

No, they're not.

Because one of us is the founder
of the Glenview Running Club!

Yeah, you fucked him up, man!

Who's laughing now, kid?

I bet you didn't egg-spect
to get your ass kicked.

You throw eggs at people.
You think that's funny?

Look at how much pain he's in.

Guess what you learned tonight?

You don't mess with
the Neighborhood Watch, baby!

Undefeated!

Look at Evaroo with the high hands.

Shit, we got him!

La, da, da, da, dah
It's the motherfucking D-O-double-G

Snoop Dogg

La, da, da, da, dah
You know I'm mobbing with the D-R-E

Yeah, yeah, yeah

You know who's back up
in this motherfucker

Motherfucker

A-ha!

That's right.
Neighborhood Watch.

Suck a fat dick, Chucho.

What's going on here, guys?

Egging, Sergeant.

- This guy's an egger.
- Eggs, huh?

Yeah, eggs.
The coward's weapon.

It's good you brought him in.

And then he tried to run away
on his little skitterboard.

Did you really? Hmm?

Get back to the playground,
and the monkey bars.

Do you think it's nice
to throw eggs at people?

Do you?

Answer the question.

It's rude.

It hurts people's feelings,
and it hurts their faces.

And now, you deal with the consequences.

Homegirl's trying to make an omelet.

- Look at me.
- Look at his face.

- Look at my face.
- Look at his face and listen to me.

Look at him and listen to me.

Look at him and understand me.

Look at both of us,
but understand no one.

Listen to my words and hear his face.

Do you think it is funny to
throw an egg in somebody's face?

You think it's a yolk?

I'll shove a full egg inside
your asshole and watch it hatch.

Franklin...
Inappropriate.

I understand, that's too far.
Sorry.

She's all yours.

Great work.

Here's your bag.

Well,
that was super weird.

Am I under arrest?

Of course not.
Those guys are a joke.

Can one of you guys
give me a ride home or something?

Fuck, no.

I'm not a chauffeur,
and neither is Chucho over here.

Right, buddy?
Get out of here.

Real nice.

Hello?

Okay. Really hilarious.

Quit screwing around or
I'm going to pelt somebody.

Screw you. I'm out of here.

Leave me alone!

Just leave me alone!

We are fucking gods!

What did she say, Evan?

You ain't seen nothing yet

Come back again.

B-b-baby, you just
ain't seen nothing yet

Tell me about it.

What?

B-b-baby, you just
ain't seen nothing yet

Damn right.
You been around!

All the way from London, England.

Put your hands together.
Make him feel welcome, everybody.

Now this is Jamarky-Mark.

He said that
any love is good love

Here we go.

So I took what I could get

Yes, I took what I could get

And then she looked at me
with those big, brown eyes

Oh, shit!

Is everyone all right?
Are you guys okay?

We hit someone.

What?

Was it a kid?
Evan, did you hit a kid?

No. What?

Why did you take your eyes
off the road to sing?

There's beer and piss all over the car.

Everyone just stay calm for a second.
Let's focus, just relax.

We can't calm down.

There's open alcohol, we're inebriated.
I have weed in my pocket.

Evan could get 15 years to life for this.

What?

Don't worry about that.

This can't happen to me.

Here's what we do, we focus on the living.
Just drive us out of here.

I'm not going to drive away.
I'm going to see what it is.

Evan?

What is it?

It looks like you just
hit some freakishly big fly or something.

What the fuck is this thing?

It looks like an octopus tentacle
or something.

All right, I think it's very obvious
what happened here, guys.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon
to figure this one out.

Evan accidently,
obviously,

hit a crate that
fell off the back of a truck...

that just so happened to be
carrying some freshly caught octopus...

to a nearby sushi establishment.

It's octopus and a fresh one.

You got nothing but the thing
and the octopus and this...

and I think we pack it in
and we know what happened.

Okay. Worst-case scenario.

Evan murdered a Japanese man

- who was eating octopus while crossing the street.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on.
I did not murder anybody.

It doesn't matter.
Do you know why?

Because no one's going to say shit
about this to anybody.

Because we don't dime on our fellow
Neighborhood Watchers, okay?

Wait a second,
I've seen this stuff before.

Back at Costco, this was the
stuff by Antonio's body.

Had he just won a
Nickelodeon's Kids' Choice award?

Franklin, he was dead.

So, he wasn't eligible.

That's pretty amazing,
then, that he won.

Because, usually
you have to do some sort of...

kids-type thing
to win that award.

It feels like cum.

Ew.

I dare anyone to touch it
and tell me it doesn't feel like cum.

May I?

Yeah, that's cum.

Well, it's green.
It's not cum, it feels like cum.

The texture, the flavor,
the color, the consistency.

It's very cum-like.

Hey, guys, check this out.
I found something.

What is it?

I don't know.

It looks like a big,
silver basketball or something.

What is it?

It looks like a toy.

What the fuck is that?

What is going on up here?

We got company.

What in the hell are you people
doing in my yard?

Hi. Sorry, we're the
Neighborhood Watch.

We're just out on a nightly patrol.

How are you doing?
I'm Evan Trautwig.

I got your neighborhood watch
right here, sweet lips.

We're on your side, sir.

We're just wondering
if you heard anything strange...

or just anything
out of the ordinary tonight.

You mean like four nitwits...

standing around on my lawn
in the middle of the night?

That's kind of strange,
don't you think?

If being overly aggressive
and a little bit snippy was a crime...

I'd be making
a citizen's arrest right now.

Why don't you just shut
your cocksucker there, dickweed?

We're taking time out of our busy schedules
to help the neighborhood...

so, I think you could just--

Excuse me.
I got a phone call, here.

- Hey, Bill.
- "Bill."

I got four members of the
Baby-sitters Club up here...

It's the Neighborhood Watch.

...trying to solve some kind of mystery
before beddy-bye time.

I'll call you back later.

It's okay, sir, we get it. Thank you.

You guys,
I'm going to count to ten.

You know what?
Let's start again.

I'm going to count to ten!

He wants to count.

Steal that cool ball.

Two. Three.

Nice to meet you.

Fuck you, Curly.

Four.

Get in your goddamn
soccer mom van and move on out.

Neighborhood Watch,
what a fucking joke.

Look at this.

Every time
I stick a finger in, another light goes off.

That's weird.

Why don't we try to stick all
our fingers in at the same time

and see what happens?

All right, guys,
let's all finger these holes together.

This is a bad idea.

Don't be such a pussy,
Jamarcus. Come on.

Come over here and
finger-bang this ball with us.

I don't like this.

Come on, Jamarcus.

Fine, but this is a bad idea.

Get your finger in there.

Whoa!

Jesus!

Holy shit!
Are you kidding me?

Did you see that shit?

That cow's fucking head exploded.

That's terrible for the cow but
this thing's fucking awesome.

This is a major find.

This thing is the shit!

Okay, nobody touches
this ball until we figure out what it is.

We definitely should not
fuck around with this thing.

The last thing we want to do
is cause a disturbance.

Goodbye, tractor!

Yeah!

Hay, yeah!
Hay, now!

Hey, great.
That's hilarious, that was so fun.

We blew that shit up.

That cow's fucking head
just poofed, just puffed.

Guys, this is not from this world.

I think it could be the government.

There are lots of these kind
of prototypes that you find.

It's always the government.

I don't disagree that there could
be a government...

or an alien or where governments
and aliens connect.

Get the fuck out of here, man.
They're not aliens.

- I think you're paranoid.
- I'm not paranoid.

Everything's on the table.

It was probably on the way to
the Mac Store and fell off the truck.

This is like a magical 8-Ball,
bowling ball that blows shit up.

I'm trying to find a killer, here.

Right. A killer alien.

Somebody killed Antonio, okay?
I don't know if they're an alien.

I don't know if it was an octopus.
I don't know what it was...

or who it was, but this has
something to do with it, right?

Yes. That's a yes.

We don't know what it is.

That's a correct as well.

It's the same goo
that was on Antonio's body.

This is information
you're sharing and I'll say "yes" to it.

The goo was on the car.

The orb was near the car.

Let's call her Lucy.

The second after we find...

Lucy...

who kicks us off his property?
Crazy old guy with a shotgun.

Why did he want us off his property?

Why did he not want us near
the ball or the goo?

We have got to kick his tires.

There's something we have to figure out.

I think we dress Franklin up as a girl
named Francesca.

He goes to the door as a salesman

because they'll suspect him any other way.

- He's pretty enough.
- I'm listening.

He's an attractive guy and
he has the features where he can fool them.

Feminine features.

We put Franklin in a costume
to befriend the old man.

He lets Franklin in the house.
Boom, he's in!

Now it's intel,
he's under the radar.

It's an attractive lady showing up.

His liver-spotted hands
are going to want to caress her.

Can I tell you something, Bob?

Mmm?

That could work.

Yes!

- Here's the thing.
- Finally!

I'm not going to go past second
with this old guy...

but if I have to,
I will.

I think it's important
we get really confirmed...

on what you're prepared to do,
so it's not a new thing.

I will use both hands.
I won't use a mouth.

He may use his hands
and may not use his mouth.

I think you got to make it all go down
before you get found out.

What's the best case on this one?

Here's the best case scenario.

He's a lonely old man,
he wants to waltz.

He wants to listen to some of the
old songs from his childhood.

Worst case scenario,
you're getting fucked in the ass.

Either way, we're going to find out
who this old guy is.

Either way, we're going
to get involved in this guy's life.

Here's the pressing question.
What do we do with this?

We don't give it to the cops.

Agreed. This is ours,
no one hears about it.

We keep it a Neighborhood Watch secret.

- Cheers.
- We're in the game.

To the Watch.

Boom!

Ew.

"OMG, Mandy's party
is so awesome."

Good for Mandy.

Fricking kidding me, right?

Chelsea!

Dad, what the eff!

Don't "eff" me.
Who's this boy toy named Jason?

Boy toy?

What's his toy story?

Wait, were you creeping
on my Facebook again?

Are you kidding me?

You're going to let some guy carwash
the inside of your mouth...

with his tongue, and then you're going
to post it on the Internet?

Stop Internet-stalking me, okay?
Just get out of my room.

You don't see me and your mom posting
our sessions on the Internet?

Ew! That's disgusting!

How do you think that makes me feel?
It is disgusting.

You keep your tongue in your mouth.

And what's going on with this collage?

This is moving in the direction of
strippers on spring break.

That's a collage of my friends, Dad.

The whole thing is uncomfortable.

I'm not comfortable with what's going on,
Chelsea.

If you're uncomfortable,
then get out!

Sex is for love.

"Sex is for love."

Here's what's happening now,
the video is off.

Okay, Dad, I'm going to get the video off.

- We got a problem.
- Okay, please, get out.

Houston, we have a problem.

That's good. Really
productive conversation.

We should do more of it.

Right on the edge.

You're right on the edge.

You and tequila
make me crazy

- Hey.
- Hey, buddy.

Come on,
I saved a seat for you.

You said you were desperate.

Here, take a load off.

Look, I know we're trying to catch
the Costco killer, but...

it's good to have
an honest heart-to-heart

with just a couple of guys, right?

There's my boy.
Bring it down here. Get in here.

- It's all about honesty, right?
- Mmm.

I've been being honest with my daughter,

I don't think she wants to hear it.

My wife's been
travelling so much for work...

that a lot of the parenting stuff
has fallen on me lately.

How about you?

When are you going to take
the plunge and knock a few out?

It's not that simple.

Well, it's about as simple as putting
your dick in a vagina.

You know what I mean?
Make it happen.

Well, I really don't have a choice.

It turns out that my gun...

doesn't really...
shoot too well.

Gun?

You mean your prick?

Why are you saying "gun"?
It's just two guys, sitting on a bench.

You can say it. Say "prick," say "cock."
Just say "prick."

Anyway, then you take a couple
of those blue bombers.

You got to get that whang nice and stiff.

It'll get you all monstered up.
Oh, it will.

And then you'll be fucking
like a champ in no time.

I know a guy that'll give you some,
and I got some from Mexico--

That's not the problem.

I'll get you some of those Mexican bombs.

I can do everything.
It's just that...

About a year and a half ago...

Okay.

...Abby and I started
trying to have kids.

And nothing was happening.

So, on my own, I went to see this doctor
to get my sperm checked.

I've always wondered about that.

I've had a curiosity,
if you don't mind.

When you go to one of those doctors...

do you jerk yourself off,
or does the doctor jerk you off?

Or an assistant?

Is it like a massage parlor?

Or do they have a medical machine

that does the milking for you?

Like, milks you like an animal.

I'm asking how you get the cum out of you.

- I...
- They do it.

No, I jerk me off.

Okay.

Doesn't matter.
The point is, I went, I got tested.

And... no go.

I'm shooting blanks.

I could shoot a bucketful,
it would make no difference.

The doctor's actual words.
"A bucketful."

It's because of me we can't have kids.

Just me.

I didn't realize
that that's such a big deal.

I mean, it's 2012.
Can't you just get a ball transplant?

Yeah, I don't
think the science is there yet.

What did the old lady say
when you told her?

Evaroony, don't tell me
that you haven't talked to her about it.

What am I going to say?

"Hey, honey, guess what.

"The one thing you want most in the world,
I can't give you."

Evan, you listen to me.

You talk to Abby.

She married you.

Not your dead jizz.

Thanks.

Evan Trautwig.

This is Manfred Salisbury.

- Are you on my roof?
- What?

There is somebody on my roof,
jumping around like a maniac.

Is that one of you idiots?

It most certainly is not.

Please, just hang tight,
Mr. Salisbury, we'll be right there.

Yeah, I bet you will.

We have to get to Manfred's.
Call the Watch, come on.

Nobody's here.

Seriously?

Did you see anybody on the roof?

No.

Okay, we should fan out.

Franklin,
you and Bob get in the car.

Check the block,
see if you get any action.

Jamarcus and I will go around back.
Okay.

Got it.

Good.

Hey, guys, let's stay focused.
We're in the field, right?

Okay.

N.W.

Shh.

Hear that?

This is Manfred's.

This is not good.

What is that?

I don't know.

Oh, my God.

Evan, we should run for our lives.

We should go up to it.

Why would we go up to it?
We should go.

It looks scared.

Maybe he's injured.
Maybe that's what we hit in the car.

Yeah, and maybe it's really
pissed off about it and is going to eat us.

Only one way to find out.

Come on.

Evan.

Evan, what the fuck are you doing?

It obviously
doesn't understand our language.

I'm making friendly tones
to show it that we mean no harm.

Hello

Wow.

Oh, no.

I see you.

I see you.

Hungry?

Food?

Food?

Gum.

It's okay.
You just chew it.

You want some?

Gum, gum, gum for you

He likes it.
Jamarcus, he likes it.

Everyone likes gum.
Let's go.

He's digging something.

He's got something he wants to show us.

Want to share your gift, huh?

Oh, mother of fuck!

Jamarcus,
what are you doing?

Run, man!

Run!

Fucker!

Oh, shit!

Jesus!

Are you okay?

That was really stressful.

I think I killed it.

What's going on here?

Gentlemen, we formed
the Neighborhood Watch...

with a very specific task.

To find the murderer of my friend,
Antonio Guzman.

Well, tonight,
I say to you...

Holy shit!

Jesus Christ!

What the fuck is that?

It's an alien.

It killed Manfred,
then it tried to kill Jamarcus.

I came up and nailed it
with a garden gnome...

and it cracked its neck,
and it's dead.

This is fucking insane.

I know, we tried to find a killer,
but guess what?

We found a fricking alien.

It touches it
and it feels it. Ugh.

This intelligent,
sentient being...

travelled untold light years
to come and visit our planet.

And you killed him.

Nice! Evan, yeah!

He killed it.

Holy shit.

Screw the police department.
I'll get into the CIA for this.

I think we should slow down,
keep this quiet.

Or 100 miles an hour and really loud,

because you're looking at an alien.

I'm thinking about T-shirts,
merchandising, movie deals.

My mind's going crazy
with this thing, here.

- Who wants a snapper with the alien?
- I do.

Let's go, bitches.
I don't want to put pressure on you...

but it's the first historical picture
of anyone with an alien.

So, whatever that means to you.
Here we go.

Ready?
And we're bringing it.

Let me share in the sunshine.
Somebody get in here.

Does she walk?
Does she talk?

Does she come complete?

The memory of my angel

Could never cause me pain

My blood runs cold

My memory has just been sold

My angel is the centerfold

Angel is the centerfold

Na, na, na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Na, na, na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Yeah. Put your dick
on its shoulder.

Boom!

Na, na, na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Make it last forever

Ever

Don't let our love end

Make it last forever

And ever...

Ahh!

Oh, my God!

Bob, the pool balls aren't hurting him!

Franklin,
you have to hit him.

- This is bad aim.
- Fuck!

Please don't kill me!

What the fuck are you doing, Jamarcus?
He's not a bumble-bee!

Evan, help! He's going to kill me, man.
I don't know what to do!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

He's going to eat my face!

He's getting goo in my mouth!

Franklin, Jamarcus!

We got him.

I can taste the fucking goo!

That's right, give up.
Just go to sleep.

Relax. You go to sleep.

We are already among you.

What the fuck was that?

You can forget about the damn
merchandising play.

Is everyone all right?

Fucking alien came on my face.

Ow!

Did you hear that thing?

"We are among you."
What does that mean?

It means there's more of those
damn things out there.

Oh, my God.

That's why they take the skins.

To wear them.

They're among us.

Oh, fucking great.

And that damn thing's been to my house,
he knows where I live.

I think if that thing had wanted us dead,
we'd be dead, Bob.

So, we don't know
who is and who isn't an alien.

Bressman's one of them,
I guarantee it, 1000 percent.

Yeah, we should keep this quiet

until we find out who we can trust.

Right now,
we can't trust anybody.

People are strange
when you're a stranger

Faces look ugly
when you're alone

What are you doing?
Back off.

Streets are uneven
when you're down

When you're strange

Faces come out of the rain

When you're strange

No one remembers your name

When you're strange

When you're strange

When you're strange

People are strange
when you're a stranger

Faces look ugly
when you're alone

Women seem wicked
when you're unwanted

Streets are uneven
when you're down

When you're strange

Faces come out of the rain

When you're strange

When you're strange

When you're strange

Have you guys been sleeping?

I haven't slept at all.
I'm not dealing with this well.

Anyone of these people could be an alien.

Check her out.

It's like she's studying
some new discovery or something.

Some strange object.
Some weird, bizarre human... circle-fruit.

Looks like she's thinking,
"Can I ingest this?

"Should I put it
in my flavor snout?"

Look at this piece of shit over here.

That alien hasn't learned
how to eat properly yet.

He's so primitive.
So clumsy.

So dangerous.

There's that motherfucking Jason kid.

That's the kid that's all over
Chelsea's Facebook page.

Magnums?
There's no way your dick's that big!

Hey, hey, hey.

Bob. It's a family store.

There's no way his dick's that big,

that he needs to buy that shit.

Some people's are that big.

Otherwise they wouldn't
sell condoms like that.

He's right.
They're a big seller.

I swear to God,
I'm going to rip his dick off.

You're going to need two hands, Bobby.

Hello there, neighbor.

Jesus!

I'm so sorry,
did I startle you?

It's good for you, though.

It gets the heart racing
and I know you like to stay fit.

In any case,
I just moseyed on over here...

to invite you to a little bit of a gathering
I'm having at my home.

A lot of interesting characters
will be in attendance...

and I think you
might be interested in them.

Um...

I'll think about it.

Don't think about it too long,
because before you know it...

Life's over.

Isn't that the truth?

Holy shit!

He's one of them.

I can't believe
I didn't figure it out earlier.

He's so creepy.
He's been spying on me.

He said I had nice skin the other night.
Get it? Skin.

You have incredible skin.
You don't have to brag about it.

No, the aliens rip off the skin.

Did you see all the batteries
that guy bought?

Nobody needs that many batteries.

Nobody from Earth,
that is.

He said before we know it,
life ends.

Maybe he thinks
you're getting kind of close...

and he wants to take you out.

This is what it's about.
Tonight.

This is why we formed
the Neighborhood Watch.

I just have to grab my jacket.

Oh. Thank goodness.
It's the leader of the Neighborhood Watch.

Abby, what the fuck?

I'm forming a little club, too,

and it's only got one opening...

- ...and it needs to be filled.
- Do you have any water?

Oh, my God!

No. Go out, go out!

Is that Mrs. Evan?

- Is that your jacket?
- That's your wife?

It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Trautwig.
I'm Franklin.

I'm a dear friend of Evan's.

She doesn't care.

What? You're starting a club,
you want me to fill your hole?

- What's going on?
- Are you making fun of me?

Honey, I'm not making fun of you.
You look awesome.

It's just the timing is weird.

No, what's weird is that
I have to make an appointment...

- to have sex with my husband.
- No you don't.

And then he forgets and
brings a bunch of weird dudes over.

That little one saw everything.
Evan, come on!

I'm sorry.
I forgot, I'm sorry.

Yeah. You forgot.

Give her some truth, pal.
She needs it.

What? What is that?

Be that truth-teller,
brother.

I have no idea.

I don't even care.
Just... here.

Go play with your friends.
Take your stupid jacket and go.

Please believe me,
there are forces greater

than what we're talking about here...

that I can't explain to you.

That I promise I will explain to you
at a certain point...

but it can't be right now.

- Go!
- I'm sorry.

Honey, if I...

Come on.

Hey, it's beer.

- Are you serious?
- Do you want some?

Here we go.
Someone's coming.

Do you see that?

We don't know what that is,
but that's a couple.

Guys...

I definitely smell alien
all over this thing.

Bob, vibrate.

It'll be one second.
Hang on, one second.

Hello? What?

Are her parents going to be there?

Absolutely not!
What the hell are you talking about?

No.

Damn it, guys, I'm sorry.
We have to get out of here. Let's go!

What are you doing?
You're going to give away our position.

Okay, listen to me.
I have to fill you in quick.

Chelsea is on her way
to Mandy's house for a party.

Her parents are not there.

What I can gather so far from Mandy's
Facebook page...

is she's a total whore.

This is going to be
a full-blown fuck festival.

There is going to be touching and pulling.
There is going to be climaxing.

Chelsea's going to be there any minute

and I cannot allow that to happen.

I need you guys to come with me.

We need to put a stop to this.

Bob, what are you talking about?

We are literally at
the possible doorstep of an alien hive.

You're right.
We have to split up for a little bit.

Jamarky-Mark, you stay with the Evanator.
That's right.

Frankfurter, you come with me.
Me and my guy work well together.

So fucking far ahead of you,
it's not even funny.

What? No! Franklin!

Franklin,
you're not going anywhere.

Bob, your daughter
is not official business.

Our mandate is to pursue murderers,
and thieves, and aliens...

and anyone who threatens to tear

the fabric of this neighborhood apart.

My mandate, as a father,
is to pursue little pricks...

that try to tear the fabric
of my daughter's hymen apart.

Shh!

Don't you walk away.
Don't you dare.

Oh, I dare!

This sucks! This sucks!

Shut up!

I'm a bird.
They can't hear me, idiot.

We're good. Let's go.

It sounds like somebody's getting
ripped apart in there.

Smells funky and musty.

Do you see anything interesting?

You okay?
Are you okay?

I'm okay.

Hi, Paul.

Hi, Evan.

- Phew!
- You all right?

You scared us.

And who is this mountain of a man?

My name's Jamarcus.

Jamarcus.

Shall we?

Show time like cable
Get up on that table

I love your sexy body
And I know you like this paper

Bottles coming like
they got legs on 'em

The way I kill 'em, man
This beat will make 'em
wanna call the feds on me

Good, good night
Good, good night, night, night

Good, good night
Good, good night

Thanks for taking me here.
This is erotic as hell.

Big Bob, you got daughter at 12 o'clock.

Move to extraction?

Stand down, seal six.

If we go in there hot,
we'll humiliate her

for the rest of her high school days.

Let's just lay low.
Just taking in intel.

Look, there's that kid from Costco
with the big fat dick.

Walking around with his massive cock,
like he owns the joint.

That shit's just
banging against his kneecaps.

Twenty bucks that guy's dick
dips into the toilet

when he takes a shit.

Whoo!

Hey, girl.

Uh-oh.

Dig that shit! Dig that shit.
Who's your daddy?

I'm her daddy,
you piece of shit!

- Come to daddy's bedroom.
- Okay.

- It's the master bedroom.
- Ooh!

Let's move ass.

- Which way are we going?
- Down! Down!

Right this way, gentlemen.

Please, after you.
Thank you, Jamarcus.

It's a nice place you got here, Paul.
I like the paint.

Thank you,
Evan Trautwig...

and allow me to pay you
a compliment in kind.

I see you out there, jogging...

and I often think to myself, "My God.

"What a perfect specimen."

Excuse me,
two perfect specimens.

Gentlemen...

Say goodbye to the world as you know it.

More!

And say hello to paradise.

Welcome to the sanctuary of
the human spirit, gents...

because tonight is all about freedom...

and, some about boning.

I think we solved the battery mystery.

Come on in, boys.
The water is just right.

Yeah,
the cinematography is unreal.

It's definitely going to win Best Picture.

- Switch?
- Yeah.

This is disgusting.

It stinks in here.
Come on, I was wrong. Let's go.

Hey, do you mind if I suck on your balls?

I'm going to see how this plays out.

I'm going.

Oh, here we go.

I'll get your name in due course.

Mr. McAllister.

Mandy, this is quite a gathering
you got cooking here.

I'm a little surprised.

It's a little late
for the chess club to be out.

What have we got here?

A little weed,
a little tequila.

Where's the hard stuff,
pussies?

- Are you guys twins?
- Yes.

Oh, my gosh.
I can't even tell you guys apart.

I'm kidding. Slow down.
You kids are out of your mind.

I feel like the three of us just met...

but I feel like
I'm the triplet in a weird way...

but in a sexual way.

Where do we take it from here?

I'm located about
45 minutes south of here.

I live with my mom.

I'm not here to break up the party.

I want you kids to get hopped up,

but I'm looking for a Chelsea McAllister.

Anyone here know where she might be?

You guys know who
I'm talking about, right?

Maybe we should go back to the party?

No. I want to
keep doing this.

Okay, I just think
we're going a little fast.

We're not.
This is amazing.

We should keep moving at this exact pace.

Maybe even a little bit faster.

Seriously, Jason,
stop it.

Seriously, Chelsea,
I don't want to.

- Chelsea?
- Dad?

- What are you doing here?
- What the hell?

Dude, get out of here.

- Let's just go.
- Are you okay?

You're ruining this.

Catch you later, Chels.

Oh, shit.

Hey!

Hey, jackass.
I'm talking to you, prick!

You think you're cute,
you little fuck!

Oh, my God!

Ouch!

That looks like a real gusher, Bob.

Come here.

Dad!

Dad!

Are you okay, Dad?

I'm okay, honey.
Just stung a little bit.

You don't fuck with Bob.
You show Bob respect.

Okay.

Bob's my special guy.

That's right.
That just happened.

You don't tell your parents about this.

You don't tell your friends about this.

You write it in your dream journal,
you lock it up...

and you put it under your pillow.

Or I will come back here
and I will kill each and every one of you.

Except for those two hot girls
I was talking to.

They have my information,
please have them get in contact with me.

They seemed great.

I'm glad you showed up tonight.
I'm sorry.

It's okay, honey.

- Come on, let's go home.
- Okay.

I'm okay, honey.

I think you got it all.
You can put it away.

- You doing all right?
- Mmm-hmm.

Bob, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, I'll be in in a second.
I love you so much.

I love you, too.

I appreciate you showing up.
I know it takes a big man to apologize.

What happened back there was not cool.

You abandoned your post.

If that had been an alien hive,
we would have been killed.

- So, it wasn't a hive.
- Where's Jamarcus?

Jamarcus decided to stay at Paul's.

And no, it wasn't a hive.
It turned out to be a local orgy.

- What?
- There's an orgy happening, locally?

So, you're mad at me for leaving an orgy?

It doesn't matter what it was.
The point is, you left us hanging.

It's the principle.

No, the principle is I went to go help
my daughter who was in trouble.

Evan, you can't be such a control freak.
You're too uptight.

Yeah, Bob, I'm uptight.

I'm uptight about the aliens
that are killing people in our neighborhood.

That's what I'm uptight about.

Neighborhood Watch isn't for people

who can't handle their
daughter's personal shit.

Did you even hear how you sound right now?

Why don't you look at your own
personal life, Evan...

because you don't even have one.

You don't talk to your wife.
You don't have any friends.

- I have friends.
- No, you don't, man.

- I have tons of friends.
- No, you don't. You have clubs.

You start these clubs,
and you become a dictator.

You just boss everyone
and you tell them what to do...

because you're running away
from what really matters.

You don't have the guts to deal with
what's going on in your own home.

I have the guts to do this.

You're out of the Watch.

You can't throw me out of the Watch.

I just did.

Okay, I don't care.
I'm going to start my own watch.

You can't, because there already is a watch.
So you can't do that.

Oh, yes, I can start my watch...

because if I'm not in your watch,

you can't give me rules anymore.

I'm going to keep my own logo, too.

I never liked that logo, anyway.

My logo is awesome!
My logo is Chinese.

The Chinese understand movement...

and I understand the Chinese.

I combined flight with flames,
with a tiger.

What am I combining, Evan?

Serenity, optimism, attack.

Franklin, let's get
some pudding inside you.

Franklin,
you do not go in that house.

Jesus, Evan, you don't own him.
You don't own all of us.

Franklin is his own man.
He can make his own decisions.

He can think for himself.

Franklin, get your fucking ass
in the house!

Don't you speak with Franklin!

Franklin, you stay!
Franklin, stay!

Come! Franklin, come.

Come here.

Frank. Come here, Franklin.

Come here, Franklin.
Franklin, look at me.

Franklin, come on.

Evan, you're a special friend...

But I live here.

How does it feel, Evan,
to be in a club of one?

Maybe he's jacking off too much.

Like, the well is dry
by the time you get home.

Ew. Stop.

Have you noticed any abrasions or
signs of stress on his penis?

Abrasions? No.

Like, he's pulling on it too hard?

I'm sterile.

Bye-bye.

- Hey, Carla.
- Hey.

Honey, I can't have kids.

I went to a doctor and got it checked out.

And I am barren.

It's me, it's not you.

It's not the both of us,
it's me.

And I've been trying to tell you,

but just every time
you wanted to have sex...

it was all I could think about.

And I didn't know how to tell you, so...

Why wouldn't you tell me?

Isn't that the kind of thing that
couples figure out together?

I just knew how much
that you wanted this...

and I didn't want to let you down.

Yeah, but I want this.

More than anything.

I don't know, we can figure all
that other stuff out.

All I ever wanted was for us to be a team.

That's all I ever wanted.

No more secrets, okay?

Actually...

There is one more secret.

Okay.

Hey, Evan.

Jamarcus,
now is not a good time.

Well, I need to tell you something.

I know, I just need to be
with my wife right now.

This is more important.

Whatever it is,
it isn't.

Trust me, we need to get the Neighborhood
Watch together now.

Do you want another one?
Is that going to hold you over?

I'll eat more pudding if you have more.

I don't know that I'm open
to an apology yet.

Are you serious?

Jamarcus,
what is going on?

Oh.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

Is that a parlor trick?

It's okay. It's okay.

Touch my goo, Bob.

Feels like cum.

Holy fuck,
it feels like cum!

He's a fucking alien!

You stay the fuck back,
Jamarcus!

What the hell is going on?

Franklin,
I'm not here to hurt you.

Believe me,
I've had many chances to kill you.

You're one of them?

You're an alien?

Look, our ship came here six months ago...

and we have been hiding ever since.

We inhabited your human form
to infiltrate your society...

and learn your weaknesses,
but instead--

Why is this thing still talking?
Let's kill him.

Because in a few hours,
our transmitter will become operational.

When it signals, our armada
will commence a global invasion...

starting here in Glenview,
which is clearly not ideal for you.

- What?
- Why?

We're aliens.
That's what we do.

We come to planets,
we destroy them, we move on.

Wait a minute.

Did you kill Antonio?

No! God, of course not.
I know who did, his name is Flertrok.

The man is a fucking cunt.

Where is this transmitter thing?

The only place big enough,
with enough power and supplies.

Costco?

Yeah.

You've been planning
an alien invasion in my Costco?

You really do have everything
we need under one roof.

Why are you telling us this
if we don't have any time to stop it?

What kind of sick
fucking head game are you playing?

Well, because there's good news.

If you leave now,
you will survive the initial invasion.

And after that,
if you take to the desert

and live in caves and crevices...

you could live with moderate dignity
for most of your lives.

I don't believe a word he's saying.
He betrayed the Watch.

Yes,
but since then...

I've come to know humanity's compassion
and beauty and love.

I don't want to lie anymore.

And also the ball-sucking
was a real eye opener.

Look, I'm not going to ask
for your forgiveness...

because I don't deserve it.

I'm really sorry.

Just go.

Okay.

Please, save yourselves
while there's still time.

What the hell is happening?

If we don't leave here right now,
we're going to die.

Guys, are you actually talking about
giving up and leaving Glenview?

No, I think we go and alert
the authorities.

Get as many people out as possible.

And then what?

And then, I don't know.

Evan's right.
We need to hit the caves.

Guys, we're not going to let Glenview
become ground zero...

for an alien invasion
and not do something about it.

We're the Neighborhood Watch.
This is what we do.

No, Bob, come on.

It's what we did,
or never really did,

because we didn't really do anything.

Until now.
I say, tonight we change that.

Evan, you started the Neighborhood Watch

because you believed in something.

You believed in this town.

You believed in these people.
You believed in us and I still do.

We're not going to let
a bunch of aliens waltz in here...

and do whatever the hell they want to do.

I say,
not on our watch.

I say, they drew the short straw
when they picked Glenview.

Now, come on, guys.
Get your heads right.

This neighborhood is going to
need our best tonight.

Evan, some aliens
just set up tents in your store.

What do you want to do about it?

Costco is for members only.

Let's take out that transmitter.

Now we're talking.

All right, Watch,
this is it.

Now it gets real.

That's a cute
10-milli Beretta, Bobby.

But I say we make a pit stop at my house.

Welcome to the candy shop,
motherfuckers.

- Jesus.
- Nice.

Holy shit.

Ladies first.

This one looks cute.

Cute and deadly.

Just like me.

Ew.

Franklin, what are you doing?
Who are these people?

And what are you doing with these guns?

God damn it, Mom.
Stay the fuck out of my room!

I don't go through your shit.
I don't touch your butterflies.

Stay the fuck out.

Everyone out of my room.
Everyone out of my room.

Everyone leave.
Everyone out.

Nice to meet you.

It was a pleasure.

I'm sorry, Mama.
I was just trying to impress my friends.

I was trying to be a big man.

I love you. Stay inside
the house tonight, okay?

You're an angel.

Glenview P.D.
This is Sergeant Bressman.

Bressman, it's Evan Trautwig.
Listen to me very carefully.

There is an alien invasion
happening at the Costco.

I know it sounds crazy,
but you have to get down there right now.

An alien invasion, really?
At Costco?

Right now?
Oh, great, I'm on my way.

Oh, wait, no, I'm not.
I'm still here for some reason.

Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.

Bressman, you were right.
Trautwig is the Costco killer.

He's going to take us
to Costco right now and kill us.

You've got to help us.

- He's coming.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- He believed that?

Look.

Oh, my God, that's an alien.
I am looking at an alien.

I know.
It can be a total mind-fuck.

What do we do?
Bust in the front door, guns blazing?

I love the enthusiasm,
Frank-n-Beans...

but I think we're going to need a
different kind of strategy here.

There's only one way underneath the store.

It's through the drainage grate
in frozen foods.

When we re-built
the tire section...

we put shelving over the trash chute,
but we never sealed it off.

Stay behind me.

Let's go.

Pop this bitch open.
I'll cover you.

Let's go, guys.
Let's go.

- I can't.
- Shh!

Do you have nails?
Do you have nails?

He's guarding the grate.
Are you guys in position?

In position.

This is exciting.

Okay.

All right,
we shoot him on three.

I repeat. Shoot on three.

One.

Two.

Three.

Freeze, Trautwig.

Game over.

- Where did it go?
- I don't know.

You're under arrest for the murder
of Manfred Salisbury...

Antonio Guzman
and that little punk skater kid.

Drop the guns.

You don't understand what's happening.

There's aliens in the store.

Oh, yeah? Aliens? Where?

It was right over there
until you scared it.

Now keep your mouth down.

Oh, aliens who are scared
by the sound of a door opening.

Look out, Earth,
you've met your match.

Drop the guns!

We're not going to drop our guns,
because there are aliens here.

Chucho, what's up, buddy?
You got something to say?

What the fuck is that thing?

Oh.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Chucho!
Chucho, Chucho!

Stay with me, buddy.
Stay with me!

No, no, Chucho.
Come on!

Come on,
stay with me!

His heart is out of his body, fella.

I don't think he's going to make it.

What? No, he's
going to make it.

Come on! Come on!

Listen, cop!

You got a lot of shit
you need to brought up to speed on...

and I don't have the goddamn time

to hold your hand and walk you through it.

First, aliens exist.
Deal with it.

Second, your boy Chucho is dead as fuck.

And there isn't anything
on God's green earth

that's going to bring him back to us.

Now, I have a bunch of aliens
underneath this Costco...

and we are moments away from this Earth being
stomped a new asshole!

I have one important question,

and I need you to answer it
for me right now.

Are you with us?

Are you a cop?

No.

You rejected me
because I was too awesome for you.

Well, that was clearly
the biggest goddamn mistake I've ever made.

I'll do whatever you say, kid.

Lock and load, bitches.
Anything from outer space, kill it.

Come on. That alien was guarding
that grate for a reason.

Die! Die!

You... killed...
my... friend!

You stupid Flertrok!

I don't know if we can confirm or deny

whether or not that's Flertrok...

but this thing's a goner for sure.

It hurts.

I guess this is the part
where you leave me to die.

No, no.
You're not going to die.

Yeah, you're not going to die.

He's going to die.

You better get some help.

That doesn't sound good.

Come on, we got to find that transmitter.

Hey.

Go kill me some aliens, baby.

All right.

Okay.

Hey. I need you to be
strong for me, okay?

Ew.

- Franklin.
- What are we doing?

- You ready?
- Yeah, okay.

I'm just going to lift your arm.

Here we go.

Holy shit.

Gentlemen.

What the hell are you doing down here?

Nothing, really.
Just picking up some paper towels in bulk.

A super big tub of mayo,
and what else?

Oh, yeah,
transmitting a signal

to my armada to destroy your entire race.

Holy shit!
He's an alien!

You motherfucker!

You guys go destroy the transmitter.
I'll deal with this jackass.

No. We're not going
to leave you alone with him.

Goddamn it, Evan,
we don't have time for this shit.

Just go, go, go! I got him!

Bob's right,
they have some shit

they have to work out.
Let's just go.

- Okay, you be careful.
- Come on.

Okay. Okay, Bob.

You can do this.

Come on, Bob!
This is too easy.

Whoo!

Yeah!

Oh, my God.
What do we do?

I have an idea.

My idea didn't work.

Evan,
they're not dying!

I'm out of bullets.

So am I.

It will be an honor
getting skinned alive next to you.

What is happening?

Why are their dicks exploding?

Hi.

That's the only way to kill us.

Severe trauma to the dick.

That's where our brains are.

Like all guys,
am I right?

You know it.

Bob, come in. If you can hear me,
their weakness is their dick.

Their Achilles' heel is in their dicks.

Die!

Magnum, my ass.

I only needed one hand for that shit.

Jamarcus, how do you shut this thing down?

Looks like the orb's powering it,

so maybe removing the orb
would de-power it?

You're guessing?

You seriously don't know
how this thing works?

I'm not an engineer,
I didn't build it.

Do you know how your cell phone works?

Yes, I know how my cell phone works.

You hit a bunch of numbers,
and you hit send.

At least don't you
know the basic--?

What do you mean, "the basic"?
Look at it, it's not fucking basic.

It looks complicated.

That light bit...

That light.
That means it's almost charged, right?

What's happening?

Whoa! What the fuck
is he doing here?

Bob, it's all right.
We were surrounded and he saved our asses.

Are you okay?

He came in here jacking dicks.
Left and right.

Shit! What is that?

I'm going to go get that orb thing.

You guys cover me,
all right?

Yeah, Evaroo, just go quick.
Hurry up, this place sucks.

I've gone to the other side, guys,
I'm fucking way in it.

If first thing in war is lost
is fucking innocence...

Yeah!

Better watch it.
Hurry up, buddy.

Hurry up.

It's transmitting!

Get it off that thing.

- It worked!
- All right!

Let's get the fuck out of here.

What is it?

Franklin!

Holy shit!
Evan, let's go!

We got to get the orb out of here!

Cover us.

Let's go.
I got you Frank-n-Bean!

Come on! Let's go!

Get up there, Frank.

Come on, move, move, move!
This place is crawling.

Ahh!

Jamarcus!
Give me your hand!

Take the orb out and go!

No Watchman left behind!
Give me your hand!

Come on, pal!

Come on, brother.
Let's go.

Fridge!

Let's go.

Come on, go, go!

Come on! Let's go!

Franklin, the switch!

Get back, Abby!

Abby! Take cover!

Come on, boys!
Let's plug these motherfucking holes!

Goodbye,
sweet child of mine.

Evan!

Wait, what's happening?
Did we win?

I can't see.
Are those tears of joy?

They're not tears of joy, are they?

Oh, no! Your husband's
dead, isn't he?

Your husband's dead.
I'm so sorry.

You're going to find somebody.
You're going to find somebody.

You're a great person.
Life goes on.

There's always something
better around the corner.

That's what my mom always said.

I'm single, too, actually.

Hey.

Your Costco.

I'm sorry, baby.

Don't be.

She'll rise again,
like a phoenix from the ashes.

And when she does,
we'll be there.

We did it, Ev.

Yeah. We did.

You came back for us.

We went to an orgy together.
We are friends forever, now.

I'll explain that to you later.

Yeah.

Hey.

I'm sorry about that stuff I said before.

Forget it, man. I'm really sorry
about the stuff I said, too.

I mean, that's what brothers do.
They fight.

But then they always make up, right?

Are we cool?

Yeah.

Get in here, little big man!
That's my guy.

That was really beautiful,
you guys.

Now, do me.

What?

Apologize to me.

For what?

If I have to tell you,
then the apology is meaningless.

All right, Frank-n-Beans.
Get in here.

Thank you.

Come on, Jamrock.

Listen, baby, I know things get tough,
but I'm okay.

You got to stop that.

I understand.

What are you
doing? Really.

I'm in a weird place.
I'm sorry.

I don't want to come off
as a bottom feeder...

but there could be a couple of
knickknacks in that store...

Don't even finish it.

I'm going to pick up a couple of
knickknacks or something...

That stuff is all covered by insurance.
You can't...

What are you...?
Hey.

I used to think
I had it all.

But then I realized,
what was it all about without friends?

Let's get in a little tighter, here.

Let's keep the hands above the hips.

Let's keep it 1950s in this bitch, okay?

Is it true your dad ripped
your last boyfriend's dick off?

Yup.

You guys be home by midnight.

I was thinking 10:30, sir,
if that's okay with you?

Don't be such a suck-up.
Are you going to blow me in the driveway?

Midnight's going to be fine.

Sometimes, someone you thought
was a total douchebag...

I mean, like a real
piece of shit guy...

turns out to be your best friend,
and your partner.

And for me...

even though my testicles had completely
betrayed me, Abby hadn't.

She and I were a team.
And a family.

Where did you come from?

I now know that
we are not alone.

And I'm feeling
pretty good about that.

That's right.

So, if you hear something
go bump in the night, never fear...

because the Neighborhood Watch,
as always, is watching.

The neighborhood.

For aliens.

B-b-baby, you just
ain't seen n-n-nothing yet

Woke up quick
at about noon

Just thought that
I had to be in Compton soon

I gotta get drunk
before the day begins

Before my mother starts
bitchin' about my friends

Then I let the Alpine play
Play

Bumping new shit by NWA

It was gangsta, gangsta
at the top of the list

Then I played my own shit
It went something like this

Cruising down the street
in my six-fo'

Jocking the bitches
Slapping the hos

I went to the park
to get the scoop

Knuckleheads out there
Cold, shooting some hoop

A car pulls up
Who can it be?

A fresh El Camino
rolling Kilo G

He rolled down his window
and he started to say

It's all about making
that G.T.A.

'Cause the boys in the hood
are always hard

You come talking that trash
and we'll pull your card

Knowing nothing in life
but to be legit

Don't quote me boy
'cause I ain't saying shit

Yo, man

Yo, man

Yo, yo

Yo, man

Get the fuck out