The Vicar of Dibley (1994) - full transcript
The 100-something vicar of the small English village of Dibley has passed on. A new vicar has been requested for a replacement. What they get is Geraldine Granger, a non-traditional, chocolate loving, rock n' roll playing vicar. That is not what gets the citizens of Dibley in a uproar though. It's because she is a woman. Still, that doesn't stop Geraldine from proving her worthiness to the village. After time, the villagers (with the exception of influential David Horton) accept Geraldine as The Vicar of Dibley.
Hello there! Exciting week!
As you know, the masks that we were
told were unnecessary and pointless
have now been declared
vital and compulsory.
So today, I have the results of
the Great Dibley Mask
Design Competition. Yes!
I'm going to try to show as
many of the entrants as I can.
First, Category One, and
I've tried them all on,
is "Misunderstandings."
This one, for instance...
...and this...
...and this.
Marvellous work, everyone,
but perhaps I didn't
make myself clear. I did.
We were really looking
for Covid masks,
not Halloween stroke
made-by-a-serial-killer masks.
So we move on to those
that actually qualify.
This one was probably still
a little bit too weird.
It's a cabbage leaf
and reminds me too much of my
first boyfriend's complexion,
to be honest.
And this one is, well
it is what it is.
It's an egg box.
And this one is...
...a shoe.
So, in the end, these are
our three winners, right?
In third place,
from George Strout...
...it's a pair of underpants.
Though it might have been a nice
idea to wash them first, George.
Urgh!
And from Amelia Kitteridge,
this!
Nice! Very safe indeed.
And in first place...
No, no, no, no.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
That's my husband's
message to me. Sorry, sorry.
And in first place, the winner,
it's got to be this one.
From our local nurse,
Sarah Farrell.
And if it's good
enough for the NHS,
it's certainly good
enough for the rest of us.
Without the NHS,
all of us would be losers.
And this is my
message to all of you.
Bless the NHS.
See you next week, folks.
Yes, er, hello there.
Er, great to see you.
Er, my name is Hugo Horton
and the vicar has asked me
to do the sermon this week because
she and her husband, Harry,
have gone away on a last-minute
pre-lockdown pilgrimage
to Cadbury World.
Anyway, she chose me because, well
I've got a bit of time on my hands
because my father,
David Horton, moved
to Monaco in the summer
and married my new
step-mother, the Baroness.
I missed the wedding, alas, because
of the rule of six which they
are very strict about in Monaco.
Only 600 guests allowed
and I, er,
I just missed the cut.
Er, so, yah.
So, unlucky. Yeah.
Anyway, the vicar
said just... just talk
about what's been on
your mind during lockdown.
So that's what I'm going to do,
er, with the help of some charts.
Now, the big question is,
how many times can you say the same
word in a row and still make sense?
Now, my starting point is
a famous tongue twister.
Imagine a teacher trying to explain
the difference between "had"
and "had had".
She sets the class a test and marks
the test and observes that,
"Joanna, where John had had had
had had had had...
...had had had had
the teacher's approval..."
Incredible.
That's 11 hads in a row!
And I've been thinking about this a
lot and suddenly it occurred to me,
what if someone was saying
this tongue twister BUT
there are two versions of it?
And that this someone,
let's call them Gertrude,
is comparing the versions,
one told by Charlie,
one told by Julia.
And in Charlie's version,
he has "had had" first
and Julia has "had" first, so,
this is what we get.
Charlie, where Julia had had had had
had had had had had had had had had
had had had had had had had
had had had had had had...
...had had had had had had
had had had had had had had.
Gertrude's approval.
That's an incredible 39 hads.
And what does this have to
do with Jesus, you ask?
Well it's obvious, really.
When they hear it,
most people exclaim,
"Jesus!
That was a waste of time."
Er, so, erm, er...
...I'll finish with a joke,
because my wife used to say...
My wife used to say,
"Go on, Hoogs,
"Crimewatch isn't
a funny as it used to be.
"Tell me a joke."
So, er,
I reckon we all
need cheering up now.
Here is Alice's
favourite joke...
...which is pretty funny,
actually.
How do you start
a teddy bear race?
Ready, teddy, go!
It's hilarious.
Absolute classic.
So watch out, Michael McIntyre!
Here comes Hugo McIn... Horton!
Next week, thank God,
the vicar returns.
What can I say?
It really has been
the strangest year ever.
But always remember,
the village folk of Dibley
have been challenged before.
There was a time when they lived
in constant fear of being
devoured by wolves or bears,
shortly after the opening of Owen
Newitt's ill-fated safari park.
And going back further, in 1681,
the Dibley witch trial took place
and five women were
burnt as witches.
In 1682, the second
witch trial took place
and seven women were
burnt as witches.
And in 1683, the third
witch trial took place
and they burnt all the women in the
village just to be on the safe side.
But this has to be
an especially bad year.
Yet on we go and maybe there'll
be some changes for the good.
I mean, the world
is always changing.
When I first got this job,
women vicars were
considered freaks
and now we're like salted
caramel! We're EVERYWHERE...
...and absolutely delicious.
And even though we've had
to cancel the Nativity play,
grrr, sorry about that,
I have instead written this
lovely Nativity
poem for you all.
OK, here we go...
Mary, a sweet girl rather shy.
Was amazed when
an angel dropped by.
"God wants to give birth."
"To his son on the Earth."
"Would you like
to give it a try?"
Mary said,
"This is so unexpected."
"And I'm thrilled that
I've been selected."
"But it's bringing us down."
"There's a virus in town."
"And I worry we'll
all get infected."
Said the angel
"Be of good heart."
"You must just
keep six feet apart."
But Mary replied "The
other thing is, I'm a virgin."
"And if a baby's emergin'."
"My boyfriend will
think I'm a tart."
That's a classic!
So, darling friends,
it's an honour
to be part of your village
and during this terrible tragedy
we've all learnt that community
is what really matters.
So, we will prevail
and I'll be with you when we do.
I once thought that
I'd leave this village
and become a bishop,
or Stormzy's wife.
But I've realised that's
just not going to happen.
Someone once said,
"Families are a great
opportunity to spend"
"time with people you would
otherwise do your best to avoid."
Well you're my family now
and you're not
getting rid of me...
...ever!
Happy Christmas!
As you know, the masks that we were
told were unnecessary and pointless
have now been declared
vital and compulsory.
So today, I have the results of
the Great Dibley Mask
Design Competition. Yes!
I'm going to try to show as
many of the entrants as I can.
First, Category One, and
I've tried them all on,
is "Misunderstandings."
This one, for instance...
...and this...
...and this.
Marvellous work, everyone,
but perhaps I didn't
make myself clear. I did.
We were really looking
for Covid masks,
not Halloween stroke
made-by-a-serial-killer masks.
So we move on to those
that actually qualify.
This one was probably still
a little bit too weird.
It's a cabbage leaf
and reminds me too much of my
first boyfriend's complexion,
to be honest.
And this one is, well
it is what it is.
It's an egg box.
And this one is...
...a shoe.
So, in the end, these are
our three winners, right?
In third place,
from George Strout...
...it's a pair of underpants.
Though it might have been a nice
idea to wash them first, George.
Urgh!
And from Amelia Kitteridge,
this!
Nice! Very safe indeed.
And in first place...
No, no, no, no.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
That's my husband's
message to me. Sorry, sorry.
And in first place, the winner,
it's got to be this one.
From our local nurse,
Sarah Farrell.
And if it's good
enough for the NHS,
it's certainly good
enough for the rest of us.
Without the NHS,
all of us would be losers.
And this is my
message to all of you.
Bless the NHS.
See you next week, folks.
Yes, er, hello there.
Er, great to see you.
Er, my name is Hugo Horton
and the vicar has asked me
to do the sermon this week because
she and her husband, Harry,
have gone away on a last-minute
pre-lockdown pilgrimage
to Cadbury World.
Anyway, she chose me because, well
I've got a bit of time on my hands
because my father,
David Horton, moved
to Monaco in the summer
and married my new
step-mother, the Baroness.
I missed the wedding, alas, because
of the rule of six which they
are very strict about in Monaco.
Only 600 guests allowed
and I, er,
I just missed the cut.
Er, so, yah.
So, unlucky. Yeah.
Anyway, the vicar
said just... just talk
about what's been on
your mind during lockdown.
So that's what I'm going to do,
er, with the help of some charts.
Now, the big question is,
how many times can you say the same
word in a row and still make sense?
Now, my starting point is
a famous tongue twister.
Imagine a teacher trying to explain
the difference between "had"
and "had had".
She sets the class a test and marks
the test and observes that,
"Joanna, where John had had had
had had had had...
...had had had had
the teacher's approval..."
Incredible.
That's 11 hads in a row!
And I've been thinking about this a
lot and suddenly it occurred to me,
what if someone was saying
this tongue twister BUT
there are two versions of it?
And that this someone,
let's call them Gertrude,
is comparing the versions,
one told by Charlie,
one told by Julia.
And in Charlie's version,
he has "had had" first
and Julia has "had" first, so,
this is what we get.
Charlie, where Julia had had had had
had had had had had had had had had
had had had had had had had
had had had had had had...
...had had had had had had
had had had had had had had.
Gertrude's approval.
That's an incredible 39 hads.
And what does this have to
do with Jesus, you ask?
Well it's obvious, really.
When they hear it,
most people exclaim,
"Jesus!
That was a waste of time."
Er, so, erm, er...
...I'll finish with a joke,
because my wife used to say...
My wife used to say,
"Go on, Hoogs,
"Crimewatch isn't
a funny as it used to be.
"Tell me a joke."
So, er,
I reckon we all
need cheering up now.
Here is Alice's
favourite joke...
...which is pretty funny,
actually.
How do you start
a teddy bear race?
Ready, teddy, go!
It's hilarious.
Absolute classic.
So watch out, Michael McIntyre!
Here comes Hugo McIn... Horton!
Next week, thank God,
the vicar returns.
What can I say?
It really has been
the strangest year ever.
But always remember,
the village folk of Dibley
have been challenged before.
There was a time when they lived
in constant fear of being
devoured by wolves or bears,
shortly after the opening of Owen
Newitt's ill-fated safari park.
And going back further, in 1681,
the Dibley witch trial took place
and five women were
burnt as witches.
In 1682, the second
witch trial took place
and seven women were
burnt as witches.
And in 1683, the third
witch trial took place
and they burnt all the women in the
village just to be on the safe side.
But this has to be
an especially bad year.
Yet on we go and maybe there'll
be some changes for the good.
I mean, the world
is always changing.
When I first got this job,
women vicars were
considered freaks
and now we're like salted
caramel! We're EVERYWHERE...
...and absolutely delicious.
And even though we've had
to cancel the Nativity play,
grrr, sorry about that,
I have instead written this
lovely Nativity
poem for you all.
OK, here we go...
Mary, a sweet girl rather shy.
Was amazed when
an angel dropped by.
"God wants to give birth."
"To his son on the Earth."
"Would you like
to give it a try?"
Mary said,
"This is so unexpected."
"And I'm thrilled that
I've been selected."
"But it's bringing us down."
"There's a virus in town."
"And I worry we'll
all get infected."
Said the angel
"Be of good heart."
"You must just
keep six feet apart."
But Mary replied "The
other thing is, I'm a virgin."
"And if a baby's emergin'."
"My boyfriend will
think I'm a tart."
That's a classic!
So, darling friends,
it's an honour
to be part of your village
and during this terrible tragedy
we've all learnt that community
is what really matters.
So, we will prevail
and I'll be with you when we do.
I once thought that
I'd leave this village
and become a bishop,
or Stormzy's wife.
But I've realised that's
just not going to happen.
Someone once said,
"Families are a great
opportunity to spend"
"time with people you would
otherwise do your best to avoid."
Well you're my family now
and you're not
getting rid of me...
...ever!
Happy Christmas!