The Troops & Aliens (1979) - full transcript
The bungling inspector Cruchot (Funès) finds himself trying to save the residents of St. Tropez from some oil-drinking humanoid aliens. The only way to tell the aliens from the real people, besides their constant thirst for oil-products, is that they sound like empty garbage cans when you touch them. Chaos is ahead.
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Put the luggage in the trunk.
Sorry, darling.
You should come for a couple of days.
Perros-Guirec is not far.
Gisèle really wants to get to know you.
I'll try, darling.
Beware of the radars.
There's one here.
There's one here too,
and this one's really...
Sweetheart...
Victor 6500, 650 here, do you read?
6500, do you hear me?
- 6500 here, I hear you.
Get a roadblock organised
on the 559...
...and stop the Oldsmobile
with licence plate 1919 RB 83.
Understood. Over.
I'm listening.
- Victor 6500, Toulon brigade?
Find a big banner
and hang it across the road.
And write in big,
clear letters...
Hello, madam.
Would you mind stepping out?
Ludovic, that's real love.
You're already here.
Come on, get out. Into the car, quickly.
Hurry. Come on, get in.
I think I'll go to the beach.
Sergeant.
- What happened?
We just arrived.
- Before that, I mean.
Before that we weren't here.
Come on.
We'll talk about it later,
Cruchot, Beaupied, on the road.
Go past the forest and drive towards
Pampelonne and Gassin...
...and then to Paillas
and Les Sellettes.
We're alone now,
so call me lieutenant.
Yes, captain.
How pretty you are, commander!
How beautiful you seem to me!
In truth, if your song
is like your plumage,
You are the phoenix of the
hosts of this wood.
Yes, colonel. General...
What is it?
- No idea.
Go have a look then.
I don't get it. Everything's fine.
Go away.
Go away.
Go away.
Go away, I said.
Go away.
Get lost.
Chief...
A saucer... a flying saucer.
I saw it.
It was there and then it went...
It flew off. It was this big.
I saw it, really.
- Yes, me too.
It was a flying saucer, chief.
It was this big.
I really saw it.
I saw it.
It was on the ground.
- How many were inside?
I don't know.
- How long was it.
Very long. It was this long.
- And the colour.
Metallic grey.
Did you see that?
He's giving press conferences now.
He's making big fools out of us.
Put an end to it.
Right away.
It was really this big.
I'm warning you. Stop pulling
my leg. What was the saucer like?
Tropezoidial.
- Trapezoidial.
Yes, trapezoidial,
with square windows.
Before, you said they were round.
- Yes, squarish round.
First it was spherical,
then oval and now tropezoidial.
Trapezoidial.
- Shut up and type, Taupin.
Sergeant, your car is ready.
I have to go. I want a report.
He didn't see a thing.
He's a pyromaniac.
Come on, try.
It looked like a top.
A top like my grandfather gave me
once for Christmas.
I'll never forget it. With his
white beard and his red robe.
He walked 6 kilometres to
give it to me, my gramps...
Cruchot.
- Yes, sergeant...
How old are you?
- Tuesday, sergeant.
No, I'm asking how old you are.
Wednesday.
- Are you making fun of me or what?
How old are you? Answer, answer.
One, two, three...
- Three? You look twice as old.
How pretty you are, sergeant!
How beautiful you seem to me!
In truth, if your milk can
is like your cheese,
What? Milk can?
You're really making fun of me.
Did you have leave coming up?
That's been cancelled then.
What's happening? What's wrong?
Go and have a look.
The spark plugs are in place,
so is the connecting rod, and the pistons.
Everything's normal.
Let me.
Go away.
Go away.
Go take a leak.
Go take a leak.
Sergeant...
It's working again.
I fixed that well.
A flying saucer.
This big...
What? Where?
- Didn't you see it?
You didn't see it?
Come along then.
There. There it was. I swear.
But I don't see anything.
Listen, there's nothing here.
- Yes, because suddenly...
Maybe, but there's nothing here now.
Can I be relieved?
- What's wrong?
Doesn't it drive you nuts,
al that commercial chatter?
Relax. Catch your breath
in my office.
I saw it.
You have to believe me.
Yes, we saw it,
as we'll see now.
What did you see?
An unidentified Dubonnet in the shape
of a Tefal pan...
...with luminous Aspro windows
and it went Bic, bic...
Stop it, Cruchot,
now you're really losing it.
No, I changed two boxes of washing
powder for one box of Ariel...
...and I was in the Yoplait.
You're losing it and you're
doing clandestine advertising to boot.
Me, Fixudant? Not for one Omo did it look
Ricard to me. Not for one Omo.
I know, mayor, but listen.
And those statements to the press.
Have you gone mad?
You're exaggerating. Who says
they saw a Cinzano?
It may not be very Astra,
but visibility was poor.
You couldn't distinguish a Seb toaster
from a Dior panty.
Commercials are really
becoming a plague.
Make an OBAO bath and rub
yourself with Patenotre peppers.
Why are you here? What do you want?
- Peace.
We have no bad intentions
with your planet.
Don't be in our way and
we'll remain friends.
We have come to study the customs
and behaviour of the earthlings...
...by mingling with the people.
You have a lively imagination.
Our research area is Saint-Tropez
during the holiday months.
Enough of that. Get lost or I'll show
you what my research area is.
I see you don't believe me.
- Out, quickly.
Where is he? Where is he?
Your appearance and voice
pose no problem to us.
We copy them like that.
And we can do more. Much more.
Don't force us to create chaos.
Let's remain friends, brother.
Chief, I've got one.
Where is he? Where is he?
Chief, chief...
There they are, there they are.
Who?
- The aliens.
I saw one. They change
appearance like that.
The one downstairs, that's me.
They can't be destroyed.
They don't feel anything.
And when you tap them,
they sound hollow.
You gave me a fright.
I thought you were asleep.
What's wrong with him?
- I saw him, sergeant.
Go to sleep.
- They sound hollow. I saw them.
He must have been dreaming.
- No, Mr Cruchot.
We talked to him,
but he's narrow minded.
Do I get more understanding from you?
- Of course, sergeant.
Keep it quiet that we're here.
This is a peaceful exploration.
You said that so well.
You could be a comedy actor.
A drink before you return to
your saucer? Who wants the drink?
Convinced now?
- Yes, general.
Mister president, eminence,
at your service, eminence.
Keep it quiet and discrete.
Oil... It's oil.
Oil...
Back already? And your meeting?
That's tomorrow. I was mistaken.
You must be tired.
- I'm broken.
I'll get you a pick-me-up.
Madam...
- Mr Cruchot.
Did you want anything?
- That's not your husband.
Your husband isn't your husband.
- But Mr Cruchot...
It's an alien that looks
like your husband.
Do you have a fever?
- Do you have a glass?
A drinking glass.
You're not going to drink that, are you?
- No, but your husband will.
You'll see. He feels no pain
and he sounds hollow.
But Cruchot, what are
you doing here?
Drink this, sergeant.
- What is it?
Drink, it's a surprise.
You're crazy, Cruchot.
- There's two of you.
The other one sounds hollow and drinks
oil. - I'm afraid.
Beaupied saw one and
me too and it was you.
Get out of here. I'll see you tomorrow,
if you'll act normal again.
Out, I don't want to see you.
And I was so proud of that brigade.
It's the end of an era.
Attention.
At ease.
I can keep it short, gentlemen.
The stories about UFO's are spreading
dangerously fast through our ranks.
It's really becoming a
collective hallucination.
The statements about so-called
aliens...
...are made up and
aren't based on anything.
But I touched them.
- Shut up.
Don't make fools of us.
If you see or hear anything else,
come to me.
Dismissed.
But the country's in danger.
- Silent. Not to a colonel.
I'll walk with you, colonel.
That's one. That's them.
No, not the colonel.
Come. My wife will make some tea.
You're going against the rules,
and you know it.
Stop him. Stop him.
Bastards...
Colonel, I apologise for him,
for her, for me. My apologies.
He's lost it. He's hallucinating.
Don't be fooled. He's one of them.
We have to undress him.
Lock him in his room.
Come along, colonel.
Relax. I'll grab a chair.
Quickly, a chair.
What was wrong with that man?
What did I do?
It's incomprehensible.
It's unforgivable. He must have
been in the sun without his kepi.
He got hit with a hammer.
- Yes, Gerber, but...
Remember Champagne in '17.
Rebellion has to be crushed.
Some orange blossom will do you well.
That's a strong cup.
I'll see what we can do
about the whole matter.
You're not in too much pain?
- No, it's nothing.
Sergeant, Cruchot escaped.
Follow me.
My son...
Careful, your uniform doesn't
make you invulnerable.
Drive, Mother Superior, drive.
Did you see sergeant Cruchot?
- No, I didn't see a thing.
But those were your colleagues.
- I'm on a secret mission. Drive.
Whatever you say, my son.
The fate of humanity depends
on it. I'm on my own.
No, my son, God protects
those who support him.
The sergeant.
Didn't you see sergeant Cruchot?
Did anything happen?
- No, but he needs his rest.
I wanted to warn you,
in case you see him.
We help and support
the needy and the helpless.
So don't count on us
to help you.
As you wish, sister. Goodbye.
Sister...
Did you... Wait.
Let me help you. That's too heavy.
Give it to me.
Did you find him?
Keep looking then.
What is it? Are you ill?
Where did you want to go?
Are you in pain?
Are you ok?
Who did that?
- They hit me...
Who? Mother Superior?
Mother Superior...
A strong woman, you know.
Keep looking.
Where is it?
- I don't know.
The laundry's hanging there.
Monsignor...
Everything ok in your community?
- Perfect, Monsignor.
We laid out a new garden.
You should see it.
Mother Superior...
Look what I found in the washhouse.
That's sergeant Gerber.
He leads our gendarmes.
Are you still here? Who asked you to
do that? Sister?
No, not me.
- I offered myself.
That's very kind, but this is
not a mixed community.
Is this yours?
Monsignor, Mother Superior...
People praise your choir.
I'd like to use it for the procession.
Can I hear it?
- Of course. I'll call the sisters.
That was beautiful. Very good.
But who's the sister who sang
slightly off key?
Who is it?
- Sister Cruchotte from Newfoundland.
She got a cold trying to
convert the Eskimos.
That must have been a very
special mission, sister.
What did those strangers
think of God's word?
She lost her voice, sergeant...
monsignor.
How did they receive God's word...
Hold the thief. Hold the thief.
What is it, my son?
Someone stole a can of oil
from my gas station.
Oil? Where is he?
He hid in the chapel.
- Let's have a look then.
In the name of the Father, the Son
and the Holy Spirit.
May the mercy of Jesus Christ,
the love of God the Father...
...and the unity of the Holy Spirit
forever be with you.
And with your spirit.
I confess to Almighty God,
Creator of heaven and earth...
...for Jesus Christ,
his only Son...
...to the blessed Virgin Mary...
...to John the Baptist,
to archangel Michael...
...and the apostles Peter and Paul...
...to all the saints
and all my brothers...
...that I have sinned, in thought,
word and deed...
...through my fault, through my fault
through my most grievous fault.
I wanted to return it.
I'm not a thief.
My can.
Through my fault, through my fault.
I absolutely must have one.
- Take this one.
Sergeant...
Now he's even dressed like a nun.
You don't even stop at sacrilege.
The Lord punished him.
- Put him in the car.
As a nun...
That's going to be court-martial.
Thanks again. Without you, we
would have had to walk.
Licence number can't be read, light
broken and blinker not working.
Details, you might say,
but still.
Nothing serious. Twice you didn't give
right of way and you sped once.
I absolutely must have one.
Taupin...
You kiss so well. I never met
anybody like you.
Taupin. Come and explain this at
the police station. Come on.
Careful, you.
Where can he be?
We have to find him today, or
I'll have to inform my superiors.
Beaupied, we do the city.
The rest to the beach.
My son...
Mother Superior...
Enjoying the sun?
- I'm integrating.
Like the worker priests.
How's the investigation going?
They're dressing like gendarmes now
and harassing the girls.
Who, my son?
- That's a long story. Goodbye.
Now I've got them.
I need to have one.
Don't go anywhere.
Get up. We have to get them.
Come on.
With the languid lamps
clear and colourless
...on deep cushions impregnated
with odour...
With a charm as powerful
as an evil angel To
trouble and calm where
my soul had retreated.
With an audacity and
wild innocence that
gave a strange pang to
each metamorphosis.
Her arms overcome, thrown
like vain spears...
...showing how fragile she
was and how beautiful..
What have they done to them?
Come in.
Am I not disturbing, Mr Gerber?
Mrs Cruchot, come in.
Back from holiday already?
- I don't hear from Ludovic.
You did well to come back.
He keeps seeing UFOs and aliens.
He attacked the colonel
and dressed up like a nun.
But that's terrible.
Where is he?
On the run. He was last seen
on the beach of Pampelonne.
Excuse me.
My kisses are as light as
these ephemera that fondle
The large translucent
lake in the evening air.
I feel heavy terrors melt over me
And scattered black phantoms collide.
Separated from the world
by our closed drapes, We
become indifferent to it,
and that brings rest.
She sought, with eyes troubled by the storm,
And her simple sky already far away.
Excuse me,
I thought you were my wife.
Hello, miss.
So that's why you didn't come.
I'm filing for a divorce.
But no, darling, I can explain.
You'll pay for this.
Just wait.
- That's not your wife. She's fake.
Taste this and you'll see.
That gendarme keeps following us
it's becoming a pain
do something about it
Good that you're here.
I can explain it all.
That woman...
- She's from another planet, yes.
Stop with those wild stories.
Nobody believes me, but it's true.
They really exist.
Poor Ludovic, you need affection.
You need a break.
As you wish, darling, but never
bring up divorce again.
Shall we have dinner somewhere
out of the city? It will do you good.
Whatever you want, sweet darling.
It's great to take a break like this.
I'm so happy and relaxed.
Watch the road, though.
- I know it by heart.
I thought you knew it by heart.
I feel so young, so young.
I want to kiss you.
No, look ahead.
I know that trick. Is this to get me into
the bushes? After all those years?
I swear, darling...
- You're like a schoolboy.
It's touching and I'm flattered.
And we have time to go
for a little walk, actually.
It's good for the appetite.
- You're right.
We have to make the best of
these rare moments. Come on.
Do you remember the
first time I saw you?
You were driving like a maniac. Fast and
dangerous. I loved you from the start.
And you haven't changed a bit.
It's as if it was yesterday.
Yes, Ludovic.
Our love is the strongest.
And it has to remain
strong. And pure.
My little bird. - But when I
saw you with that other woman.
I thought she was an alien.
Even if they exist, forget about them.
Only think of us.
My dearest...
Josépha, I love you.
We have to run, Josépha. Come.
Go on board, Mr Cruchot.
Inside, Mr Cruchot.
- No.
Chief, are you there?
This can't be true.
Where are you?
- Here.
My darlings, I love you.
You're so sweet.
My dear little Tricard, Berlicot.
We have to take you.
- My pigeon, where are you?
In the woods, chief.
Are you making fun of me?
Come on, darling,
it's a misunderstanding.
No, we have nothing more to
say to each other. Call my lawyer.
It's between them and me. I have to
prove they exist or my wife leaves me.
I'm going away with my wife.
Cruchot, your wife was really upset.
It was touching.
You'll hear from me.
In the meantime, stay inside.
But they exist.
- You stay here.
Goodbye, gentlemen.
- Goodbye. Enjoy your meal.
Now I'm in command.
I'm the tallest.
I'm in command now.
- No, I'm the strongest.
No, me, because I'm the fattest.
I'm in charge, because
I have the chair.
Silent. Listen.
One of the girls dropped
this on the beach.
They're transmitting a code.
A salad for one and a makala for eight.
That comes from the Cabanon.
Makala is their specialty.
We're grounded.
- We can't leave here.
I'm in command now. Come on.
Follow me.
Those two aren't leaving.
Can I go?
Everything ok?
They're weird. All they eat is lettuce
and you know what they drink?
I know, thank you.
That way and act natural.
Don't you dare or
I make you disappear.
Forget what you saw.
Forget we were ever here.
Or else the whole city suffers
the same fate. Remember that.
Come on, go.
What are you doing here?
And in uniform?
I told you to stay inside.
- An emergency.
What was that?
- False alarm.
Just a silly joke.
- Go back then. I'm going to eat.
But wasn't it here?
- What, sergeant?
The restaurant, the Cabanon.
- There's nothing here.
What?
- There never was.
There always used to be
a restaurant here.
Never? I've been coming here for years.
- Never.
But I've been coming here for years.
I had dinner here two days ago.
I sat here.
I had ragout here. Exactly here.
I'm not crazy.
But I'm not crazy.
You're fooling me.
Someone's fooling me.
No, no. One sees aliens ands the other
one sees restaurants.
To the police station and quickly.
I'll find out what's happening here.
Mr Gerber...
You'll never believe what happened.
They stole my restaurant.
Where's the Cabanon?
- Stolen.
What times we live in.
But it's true. It's true.
We're going around in circles.
What if we... No, we can't.
Or...
- No, go back to sleep.
We'll get one. Then we find out what
their weak spot is.
Easier said than done.
- Especially when they're disguised.
We need to have a secret sign.
Like what?
- We'll wear our kepi Blériot style.
No...
Actually, what's inside this?
Everything ok.
You were right.
They exist. Look what's left of them.
Did you see it?
Totally rusted away.
Damn, that's it.
We've got them. They rust.
They rust. We've got them.
They rust.
How do we recognize them?
- The shower...
Have you all gone mad?
We received 142 complaints. 142.
Poor passers-by were
harassed. What kind of joke is that?
What kind of losers are you?
And put your kepi straight.
How dare you wear it
Lindbergh style?
How is this possible? What do you think,
mister civil servant?
And you, Bertier?
- Me too.
I've had enough of this nonsense.
We look like total fools.
The aliens look like us. So we
have to take precautions.
And don't yell like that. We
know how to destroy them.
By spraying people?
How will you destroy them?
- They rust, colonel.
A bit of water,
and see what's left.
Not convinced, colonel?
- I'm stunned.
That's unbelievable.
Bring me one that works.
We're going to lure them.
- How?
Like a hunt.
With a decoy, with a fake saucer.
A fake saucer and there we go.
Go ahead. I'll cover you.
But it's your responsibility.
Isn't it?
I don't want any trouble.
Everything is ready.
- Let's go then.
That starlight is beautiful.
The closest star is Proxima
Centauri, around 4 light years away.
And 1500 to Deneb, close to
the Swan, which is even further.
That's the Great Bear.
That bright one there is Altair.
- And that's the Little Bear.
Oh, the Little Bear.
That's where they must be from.
- Silent.
And there they are.
That's you, sergeant.
- That's me.
That's you. That's us.
But I'm here.
But it's them.
We know what to do. Wait until
they're close before you attack.
Attack.
We're the last pillars of
civilisation. Let's go.
Retreat.
It's so crowded on the quay.
Back to serious work.
Get your booklets out.
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Put the luggage in the trunk.
Sorry, darling.
You should come for a couple of days.
Perros-Guirec is not far.
Gisèle really wants to get to know you.
I'll try, darling.
Beware of the radars.
There's one here.
There's one here too,
and this one's really...
Sweetheart...
Victor 6500, 650 here, do you read?
6500, do you hear me?
- 6500 here, I hear you.
Get a roadblock organised
on the 559...
...and stop the Oldsmobile
with licence plate 1919 RB 83.
Understood. Over.
I'm listening.
- Victor 6500, Toulon brigade?
Find a big banner
and hang it across the road.
And write in big,
clear letters...
Hello, madam.
Would you mind stepping out?
Ludovic, that's real love.
You're already here.
Come on, get out. Into the car, quickly.
Hurry. Come on, get in.
I think I'll go to the beach.
Sergeant.
- What happened?
We just arrived.
- Before that, I mean.
Before that we weren't here.
Come on.
We'll talk about it later,
Cruchot, Beaupied, on the road.
Go past the forest and drive towards
Pampelonne and Gassin...
...and then to Paillas
and Les Sellettes.
We're alone now,
so call me lieutenant.
Yes, captain.
How pretty you are, commander!
How beautiful you seem to me!
In truth, if your song
is like your plumage,
You are the phoenix of the
hosts of this wood.
Yes, colonel. General...
What is it?
- No idea.
Go have a look then.
I don't get it. Everything's fine.
Go away.
Go away.
Go away.
Go away, I said.
Go away.
Get lost.
Chief...
A saucer... a flying saucer.
I saw it.
It was there and then it went...
It flew off. It was this big.
I saw it, really.
- Yes, me too.
It was a flying saucer, chief.
It was this big.
I really saw it.
I saw it.
It was on the ground.
- How many were inside?
I don't know.
- How long was it.
Very long. It was this long.
- And the colour.
Metallic grey.
Did you see that?
He's giving press conferences now.
He's making big fools out of us.
Put an end to it.
Right away.
It was really this big.
I'm warning you. Stop pulling
my leg. What was the saucer like?
Tropezoidial.
- Trapezoidial.
Yes, trapezoidial,
with square windows.
Before, you said they were round.
- Yes, squarish round.
First it was spherical,
then oval and now tropezoidial.
Trapezoidial.
- Shut up and type, Taupin.
Sergeant, your car is ready.
I have to go. I want a report.
He didn't see a thing.
He's a pyromaniac.
Come on, try.
It looked like a top.
A top like my grandfather gave me
once for Christmas.
I'll never forget it. With his
white beard and his red robe.
He walked 6 kilometres to
give it to me, my gramps...
Cruchot.
- Yes, sergeant...
How old are you?
- Tuesday, sergeant.
No, I'm asking how old you are.
Wednesday.
- Are you making fun of me or what?
How old are you? Answer, answer.
One, two, three...
- Three? You look twice as old.
How pretty you are, sergeant!
How beautiful you seem to me!
In truth, if your milk can
is like your cheese,
What? Milk can?
You're really making fun of me.
Did you have leave coming up?
That's been cancelled then.
What's happening? What's wrong?
Go and have a look.
The spark plugs are in place,
so is the connecting rod, and the pistons.
Everything's normal.
Let me.
Go away.
Go away.
Go take a leak.
Go take a leak.
Sergeant...
It's working again.
I fixed that well.
A flying saucer.
This big...
What? Where?
- Didn't you see it?
You didn't see it?
Come along then.
There. There it was. I swear.
But I don't see anything.
Listen, there's nothing here.
- Yes, because suddenly...
Maybe, but there's nothing here now.
Can I be relieved?
- What's wrong?
Doesn't it drive you nuts,
al that commercial chatter?
Relax. Catch your breath
in my office.
I saw it.
You have to believe me.
Yes, we saw it,
as we'll see now.
What did you see?
An unidentified Dubonnet in the shape
of a Tefal pan...
...with luminous Aspro windows
and it went Bic, bic...
Stop it, Cruchot,
now you're really losing it.
No, I changed two boxes of washing
powder for one box of Ariel...
...and I was in the Yoplait.
You're losing it and you're
doing clandestine advertising to boot.
Me, Fixudant? Not for one Omo did it look
Ricard to me. Not for one Omo.
I know, mayor, but listen.
And those statements to the press.
Have you gone mad?
You're exaggerating. Who says
they saw a Cinzano?
It may not be very Astra,
but visibility was poor.
You couldn't distinguish a Seb toaster
from a Dior panty.
Commercials are really
becoming a plague.
Make an OBAO bath and rub
yourself with Patenotre peppers.
Why are you here? What do you want?
- Peace.
We have no bad intentions
with your planet.
Don't be in our way and
we'll remain friends.
We have come to study the customs
and behaviour of the earthlings...
...by mingling with the people.
You have a lively imagination.
Our research area is Saint-Tropez
during the holiday months.
Enough of that. Get lost or I'll show
you what my research area is.
I see you don't believe me.
- Out, quickly.
Where is he? Where is he?
Your appearance and voice
pose no problem to us.
We copy them like that.
And we can do more. Much more.
Don't force us to create chaos.
Let's remain friends, brother.
Chief, I've got one.
Where is he? Where is he?
Chief, chief...
There they are, there they are.
Who?
- The aliens.
I saw one. They change
appearance like that.
The one downstairs, that's me.
They can't be destroyed.
They don't feel anything.
And when you tap them,
they sound hollow.
You gave me a fright.
I thought you were asleep.
What's wrong with him?
- I saw him, sergeant.
Go to sleep.
- They sound hollow. I saw them.
He must have been dreaming.
- No, Mr Cruchot.
We talked to him,
but he's narrow minded.
Do I get more understanding from you?
- Of course, sergeant.
Keep it quiet that we're here.
This is a peaceful exploration.
You said that so well.
You could be a comedy actor.
A drink before you return to
your saucer? Who wants the drink?
Convinced now?
- Yes, general.
Mister president, eminence,
at your service, eminence.
Keep it quiet and discrete.
Oil... It's oil.
Oil...
Back already? And your meeting?
That's tomorrow. I was mistaken.
You must be tired.
- I'm broken.
I'll get you a pick-me-up.
Madam...
- Mr Cruchot.
Did you want anything?
- That's not your husband.
Your husband isn't your husband.
- But Mr Cruchot...
It's an alien that looks
like your husband.
Do you have a fever?
- Do you have a glass?
A drinking glass.
You're not going to drink that, are you?
- No, but your husband will.
You'll see. He feels no pain
and he sounds hollow.
But Cruchot, what are
you doing here?
Drink this, sergeant.
- What is it?
Drink, it's a surprise.
You're crazy, Cruchot.
- There's two of you.
The other one sounds hollow and drinks
oil. - I'm afraid.
Beaupied saw one and
me too and it was you.
Get out of here. I'll see you tomorrow,
if you'll act normal again.
Out, I don't want to see you.
And I was so proud of that brigade.
It's the end of an era.
Attention.
At ease.
I can keep it short, gentlemen.
The stories about UFO's are spreading
dangerously fast through our ranks.
It's really becoming a
collective hallucination.
The statements about so-called
aliens...
...are made up and
aren't based on anything.
But I touched them.
- Shut up.
Don't make fools of us.
If you see or hear anything else,
come to me.
Dismissed.
But the country's in danger.
- Silent. Not to a colonel.
I'll walk with you, colonel.
That's one. That's them.
No, not the colonel.
Come. My wife will make some tea.
You're going against the rules,
and you know it.
Stop him. Stop him.
Bastards...
Colonel, I apologise for him,
for her, for me. My apologies.
He's lost it. He's hallucinating.
Don't be fooled. He's one of them.
We have to undress him.
Lock him in his room.
Come along, colonel.
Relax. I'll grab a chair.
Quickly, a chair.
What was wrong with that man?
What did I do?
It's incomprehensible.
It's unforgivable. He must have
been in the sun without his kepi.
He got hit with a hammer.
- Yes, Gerber, but...
Remember Champagne in '17.
Rebellion has to be crushed.
Some orange blossom will do you well.
That's a strong cup.
I'll see what we can do
about the whole matter.
You're not in too much pain?
- No, it's nothing.
Sergeant, Cruchot escaped.
Follow me.
My son...
Careful, your uniform doesn't
make you invulnerable.
Drive, Mother Superior, drive.
Did you see sergeant Cruchot?
- No, I didn't see a thing.
But those were your colleagues.
- I'm on a secret mission. Drive.
Whatever you say, my son.
The fate of humanity depends
on it. I'm on my own.
No, my son, God protects
those who support him.
The sergeant.
Didn't you see sergeant Cruchot?
Did anything happen?
- No, but he needs his rest.
I wanted to warn you,
in case you see him.
We help and support
the needy and the helpless.
So don't count on us
to help you.
As you wish, sister. Goodbye.
Sister...
Did you... Wait.
Let me help you. That's too heavy.
Give it to me.
Did you find him?
Keep looking then.
What is it? Are you ill?
Where did you want to go?
Are you in pain?
Are you ok?
Who did that?
- They hit me...
Who? Mother Superior?
Mother Superior...
A strong woman, you know.
Keep looking.
Where is it?
- I don't know.
The laundry's hanging there.
Monsignor...
Everything ok in your community?
- Perfect, Monsignor.
We laid out a new garden.
You should see it.
Mother Superior...
Look what I found in the washhouse.
That's sergeant Gerber.
He leads our gendarmes.
Are you still here? Who asked you to
do that? Sister?
No, not me.
- I offered myself.
That's very kind, but this is
not a mixed community.
Is this yours?
Monsignor, Mother Superior...
People praise your choir.
I'd like to use it for the procession.
Can I hear it?
- Of course. I'll call the sisters.
That was beautiful. Very good.
But who's the sister who sang
slightly off key?
Who is it?
- Sister Cruchotte from Newfoundland.
She got a cold trying to
convert the Eskimos.
That must have been a very
special mission, sister.
What did those strangers
think of God's word?
She lost her voice, sergeant...
monsignor.
How did they receive God's word...
Hold the thief. Hold the thief.
What is it, my son?
Someone stole a can of oil
from my gas station.
Oil? Where is he?
He hid in the chapel.
- Let's have a look then.
In the name of the Father, the Son
and the Holy Spirit.
May the mercy of Jesus Christ,
the love of God the Father...
...and the unity of the Holy Spirit
forever be with you.
And with your spirit.
I confess to Almighty God,
Creator of heaven and earth...
...for Jesus Christ,
his only Son...
...to the blessed Virgin Mary...
...to John the Baptist,
to archangel Michael...
...and the apostles Peter and Paul...
...to all the saints
and all my brothers...
...that I have sinned, in thought,
word and deed...
...through my fault, through my fault
through my most grievous fault.
I wanted to return it.
I'm not a thief.
My can.
Through my fault, through my fault.
I absolutely must have one.
- Take this one.
Sergeant...
Now he's even dressed like a nun.
You don't even stop at sacrilege.
The Lord punished him.
- Put him in the car.
As a nun...
That's going to be court-martial.
Thanks again. Without you, we
would have had to walk.
Licence number can't be read, light
broken and blinker not working.
Details, you might say,
but still.
Nothing serious. Twice you didn't give
right of way and you sped once.
I absolutely must have one.
Taupin...
You kiss so well. I never met
anybody like you.
Taupin. Come and explain this at
the police station. Come on.
Careful, you.
Where can he be?
We have to find him today, or
I'll have to inform my superiors.
Beaupied, we do the city.
The rest to the beach.
My son...
Mother Superior...
Enjoying the sun?
- I'm integrating.
Like the worker priests.
How's the investigation going?
They're dressing like gendarmes now
and harassing the girls.
Who, my son?
- That's a long story. Goodbye.
Now I've got them.
I need to have one.
Don't go anywhere.
Get up. We have to get them.
Come on.
With the languid lamps
clear and colourless
...on deep cushions impregnated
with odour...
With a charm as powerful
as an evil angel To
trouble and calm where
my soul had retreated.
With an audacity and
wild innocence that
gave a strange pang to
each metamorphosis.
Her arms overcome, thrown
like vain spears...
...showing how fragile she
was and how beautiful..
What have they done to them?
Come in.
Am I not disturbing, Mr Gerber?
Mrs Cruchot, come in.
Back from holiday already?
- I don't hear from Ludovic.
You did well to come back.
He keeps seeing UFOs and aliens.
He attacked the colonel
and dressed up like a nun.
But that's terrible.
Where is he?
On the run. He was last seen
on the beach of Pampelonne.
Excuse me.
My kisses are as light as
these ephemera that fondle
The large translucent
lake in the evening air.
I feel heavy terrors melt over me
And scattered black phantoms collide.
Separated from the world
by our closed drapes, We
become indifferent to it,
and that brings rest.
She sought, with eyes troubled by the storm,
And her simple sky already far away.
Excuse me,
I thought you were my wife.
Hello, miss.
So that's why you didn't come.
I'm filing for a divorce.
But no, darling, I can explain.
You'll pay for this.
Just wait.
- That's not your wife. She's fake.
Taste this and you'll see.
That gendarme keeps following us
it's becoming a pain
do something about it
Good that you're here.
I can explain it all.
That woman...
- She's from another planet, yes.
Stop with those wild stories.
Nobody believes me, but it's true.
They really exist.
Poor Ludovic, you need affection.
You need a break.
As you wish, darling, but never
bring up divorce again.
Shall we have dinner somewhere
out of the city? It will do you good.
Whatever you want, sweet darling.
It's great to take a break like this.
I'm so happy and relaxed.
Watch the road, though.
- I know it by heart.
I thought you knew it by heart.
I feel so young, so young.
I want to kiss you.
No, look ahead.
I know that trick. Is this to get me into
the bushes? After all those years?
I swear, darling...
- You're like a schoolboy.
It's touching and I'm flattered.
And we have time to go
for a little walk, actually.
It's good for the appetite.
- You're right.
We have to make the best of
these rare moments. Come on.
Do you remember the
first time I saw you?
You were driving like a maniac. Fast and
dangerous. I loved you from the start.
And you haven't changed a bit.
It's as if it was yesterday.
Yes, Ludovic.
Our love is the strongest.
And it has to remain
strong. And pure.
My little bird. - But when I
saw you with that other woman.
I thought she was an alien.
Even if they exist, forget about them.
Only think of us.
My dearest...
Josépha, I love you.
We have to run, Josépha. Come.
Go on board, Mr Cruchot.
Inside, Mr Cruchot.
- No.
Chief, are you there?
This can't be true.
Where are you?
- Here.
My darlings, I love you.
You're so sweet.
My dear little Tricard, Berlicot.
We have to take you.
- My pigeon, where are you?
In the woods, chief.
Are you making fun of me?
Come on, darling,
it's a misunderstanding.
No, we have nothing more to
say to each other. Call my lawyer.
It's between them and me. I have to
prove they exist or my wife leaves me.
I'm going away with my wife.
Cruchot, your wife was really upset.
It was touching.
You'll hear from me.
In the meantime, stay inside.
But they exist.
- You stay here.
Goodbye, gentlemen.
- Goodbye. Enjoy your meal.
Now I'm in command.
I'm the tallest.
I'm in command now.
- No, I'm the strongest.
No, me, because I'm the fattest.
I'm in charge, because
I have the chair.
Silent. Listen.
One of the girls dropped
this on the beach.
They're transmitting a code.
A salad for one and a makala for eight.
That comes from the Cabanon.
Makala is their specialty.
We're grounded.
- We can't leave here.
I'm in command now. Come on.
Follow me.
Those two aren't leaving.
Can I go?
Everything ok?
They're weird. All they eat is lettuce
and you know what they drink?
I know, thank you.
That way and act natural.
Don't you dare or
I make you disappear.
Forget what you saw.
Forget we were ever here.
Or else the whole city suffers
the same fate. Remember that.
Come on, go.
What are you doing here?
And in uniform?
I told you to stay inside.
- An emergency.
What was that?
- False alarm.
Just a silly joke.
- Go back then. I'm going to eat.
But wasn't it here?
- What, sergeant?
The restaurant, the Cabanon.
- There's nothing here.
What?
- There never was.
There always used to be
a restaurant here.
Never? I've been coming here for years.
- Never.
But I've been coming here for years.
I had dinner here two days ago.
I sat here.
I had ragout here. Exactly here.
I'm not crazy.
But I'm not crazy.
You're fooling me.
Someone's fooling me.
No, no. One sees aliens ands the other
one sees restaurants.
To the police station and quickly.
I'll find out what's happening here.
Mr Gerber...
You'll never believe what happened.
They stole my restaurant.
Where's the Cabanon?
- Stolen.
What times we live in.
But it's true. It's true.
We're going around in circles.
What if we... No, we can't.
Or...
- No, go back to sleep.
We'll get one. Then we find out what
their weak spot is.
Easier said than done.
- Especially when they're disguised.
We need to have a secret sign.
Like what?
- We'll wear our kepi Blériot style.
No...
Actually, what's inside this?
Everything ok.
You were right.
They exist. Look what's left of them.
Did you see it?
Totally rusted away.
Damn, that's it.
We've got them. They rust.
They rust. We've got them.
They rust.
How do we recognize them?
- The shower...
Have you all gone mad?
We received 142 complaints. 142.
Poor passers-by were
harassed. What kind of joke is that?
What kind of losers are you?
And put your kepi straight.
How dare you wear it
Lindbergh style?
How is this possible? What do you think,
mister civil servant?
And you, Bertier?
- Me too.
I've had enough of this nonsense.
We look like total fools.
The aliens look like us. So we
have to take precautions.
And don't yell like that. We
know how to destroy them.
By spraying people?
How will you destroy them?
- They rust, colonel.
A bit of water,
and see what's left.
Not convinced, colonel?
- I'm stunned.
That's unbelievable.
Bring me one that works.
We're going to lure them.
- How?
Like a hunt.
With a decoy, with a fake saucer.
A fake saucer and there we go.
Go ahead. I'll cover you.
But it's your responsibility.
Isn't it?
I don't want any trouble.
Everything is ready.
- Let's go then.
That starlight is beautiful.
The closest star is Proxima
Centauri, around 4 light years away.
And 1500 to Deneb, close to
the Swan, which is even further.
That's the Great Bear.
That bright one there is Altair.
- And that's the Little Bear.
Oh, the Little Bear.
That's where they must be from.
- Silent.
And there they are.
That's you, sergeant.
- That's me.
That's you. That's us.
But I'm here.
But it's them.
We know what to do. Wait until
they're close before you attack.
Attack.
We're the last pillars of
civilisation. Let's go.
Retreat.
It's so crowded on the quay.
Back to serious work.
Get your booklets out.
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