The Touchstone (2012) - full transcript

THE TOUCHSTONE is a teen comedy about a student on a high school field trip who uncovers a relic that makes whoever has it irresistible to virgins, and the disastrous consequences that occur when he and his friends try to use it to get the girls of their dreams.

(percussive rock music)

- Gimme your water, faggot.

I'm so fucking thirsty.

- Oh my God.
- Oh my God.

(students chattering)

- [Student] How big is it?

(laughing)

- [Student] Oh my God, really big.

(students chattering)

- [Student] You know
what I'm talking about.

- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do!



(students chattering)

- [Student] It's okay, it's gonna be okay.

- What's up?

- I thought I told you to leave me alone.

(thudding)

Are you for real, are you?

(students chattering)

(books thud)

- [Student] What's up, queer bait?

- Oh, if it isn't Justin
and his baby Peterson.

- Ouch.
- Blow me, dude.

- Hey, was that Amber
that was just walking by

with her fine ass?

- Yeah, me and her, we got
a little thing going on.



- Oh, please, you couldn't hit that

with roofies and a guided missile.

- Oh, you're one to talk, Romeo.

- Hey, what do you think
about my massage parlor idea?

- I mean, I'm into it,
but we still need a ride.

- Yeah, I was planning
on asking Roger at lunch.

- That kid is the biggest
pussy in our school.

10 bucks says he doesn't do it.

- Bet.

Hey, see you third period?

- All right, sounds good, man.

- You know, raccoons are
really filthy animals,

but they make great hats.

Just look at this one.

Can anyone tell me who
made this hat famous?

Anyone?

Amber McKay?

- Davy Crockett.

- That's right, the greatest explorer

on the American frontier.

Just like each of you, because, tomorrow,

on our field trip to Kickapoo Mountain,

we're gonna be looking for fossils

and arrowheads and bones and relics,

anything you can find.

- How about finding a clue?

He thinks cosplaying is gonna
make this shit interesting?

- Yeah, and, to make matters worse,

tomorrow's gonna be hot as balls.

- [Teacher] Who could
beat something like that?

- Speaking of hot.

I'd like to explore for
some of her buried treasure.

- [Teacher] I had to get a
whole bunch of rabies shots.

- What do you mean?

- And then I got scurvy.

- A massage parlor?

I bet you'd catch more
crabs than an Alaskan whore.

- That's what condoms are for, dude.

- Didn't you hear they busted
one of those places last week?

It was on the news, the
cops locked up everyone.

- Yeah, where do you think I got the idea?

- You guys are straight-up crazy.

- Look, Ryan's dad said this only happens

once every five years.

They raid some unlucky
joint just to make it

look like they care about
stopping prostitution.

Then it's back to business as usual.

- It's true, man.

When was the last time you
heard about a raid like that?

- Yeah, so you in?

- Sorry, I don't need it that bad.

- You know who says that?

Guys who need it the worst.

- 10 bucks, man.

- Better see if Sean can take us.

- Sean, for reals?

Come on, man, I'm not letting that pussy-

- Ah, too late.

Sent.
- Great.

(Justin chuckles)

- Have you guys seen Jordan today?

- [Girls] Oh my God!

- He's so cute.

- So, Cindy, what are you wearing

to your party Friday?

- [Cindy] I don't know,
I haven't found it yet.

- [Student] What about you, Amber?

- Well, Matt likes red, so you know.

- So you seriously let him
influence what you wear?

- Hey, sometimes a girl's gotta sacrifice.

- And how far does the sacrifice go?

Have you guys...

- No!

But we do lots of non-entry stuff.

If I let him get with me too soon,

he may decide there's nothing to keep

him around for the summer.

- Guys are such horndogs.

- Not all guys.

Like Diaz, he's the opposite.

I feel like I'm ready, but
he just keeps making excuses.

Maybe...
- Don't be ridiculous.

You're beautiful.

- Maybe he has steroid dick.

You know, the one muscle
that doesn't benefit.

- Hey, what do you guys think of Ryan?

- Ew, isn't he like best buds

with that perv Justin Peterson?

- [Girls] Ew!

- He's disgusting.
- Gross.

- Yeah, but I don't know,
I heard he likes me.

- I don't get you, Amber.

Matt is fucking hot, and
you're considering Ryan?

- Last time I checked,
a girl can still look.

A girl has got to keep
her options open, right?

- All I know is, I wouldn't
fuck Justin Peterson

with your pussy.

(laughing)
- Cindy!

- Did you see Amber's butt
in those skinny jeans today?

Aw, man, she bent over and, ooh,

out popped the whale tail.

- What the hell's a whale tail?

- Dude, it's like when
the thong is poking out

and it's like a whale tail.

- [Boy] What's up, my niggas?

- Nice one, Sean.

- So I heard there's a couple of pussies

out here looking for a ride.

- Yeah, you got mama's whip?

- Yeah, would your mom blow
me for a wooden nickel?

Of course.

- [Justin] Go to the car.

- [Sean] Hold on, I just
gotta move some shit.

Got a diaper bag and some
baby shit or something.

- Fuck off, nerd.
- You don't know us like that.

- What?

Assholes.

(knocking)

- [Ryan] Hey, buddy, can you let us in?

- [Justin] Asshole.

- What, I thought you guys were too cool.

- Dude, Pam Blake and Tammy
Powers were right there.

What did you want us to do?

- Yeah, this car is like
kryptonite to all poontang.

- Man, did they see me get in?

- Yeah, probably.

- Shit, why didn't you guys say anything?

- Oh, like you had a chance anyway.

Just drive.

- All right, so who am
I dropping off first?

- Who said anything about going home?

- My mom, for one, I mean...

- See, here we are.

This is what I was telling
you about, the back pages.

Oh, see, look, they got tantric massage.

That's Kama Sutra type stuff, you know?

Me love you long time.

Oh, and here's some shiatsu.

I'm pretty sure that's
like doggy style, right?

- You retard, you're thinking of Shih Tzu.

- [Sean] What are you guys looking at?

- God, massage, dumb ass!

What, are you trying to get us killed?

- Jesus, seriously, man,

pay attention.
- Fuck.

- [Ryan] All right, what
about this one up here?

- [Justin] $95, what, are they
giving me a free phone, too?

- Wait, massage, are you guys high?

I just heard on the news, they
raided one of those places.

- All right, this one over here.

There's no price, maybe 95 is cheap.

- Nah, nah, I saw this on the Internet,

chicks giving it up for like 50 bucks.

- Where are we going?

- Take us here, this one.

Take us to 8107 Wheeler Avenue.

- That's like way across town.

My mom needs the car.

- Oh, stop being a wuss.

Mommy will understand.

- Well, your dad will, anyways.

- [Justin] (chuckles) Bet.

- Just drive, faggot.

- What the hell, this
doesn't look like anything.

- Yeah, well, maybe that's the point.

- It says Suite 300-A.

- Maybe someone should stay guard outside.

- Stay guard for what?

We're not bank robbers, I
just wanna get my dick sucked.

- Wait, wait, shithead,
how's this gonna work?

What are we supposed to say?

- Just ask for the special.

- What's the special?

- Does it matter?

It's not like they're accidentally

gonna give us an oil
change instead of a blowjob

if we ask for the special.

- Shit, man, I don't have any
cash, just my credit cards.

- Just use that.

- You explain to mom a massage parlor bill

on her statement.

- He makes a good point.

- All right, well, just
wait for us in the lobby.

We'll get you next time.

Just don't fucking leave us here, okay?

- Okay.

- Can I help you?

- [Justin] We're here for the...

- We're here for the special.

- Yeah.

- You been here before?

- Yeah.
- Yeah!

Yeah, lots of times.

- Yeah.

- $65, each one, you pay now.

- See, told you, 95 my ass.

(soft Asian music)

- Oh, I'm good, I already got a massage.

From my mom.

(soft Asian music)

Not any fucking porn?

- You pick girl now.

- Hi, I'm Ryan.

- Hi, I'm Walter.

You.

(woman sighs)

(soft Asian music)

- Ryan?
- Oh, no,

it's actually Brian with a B.

- [Sean] Do you take credit cards?

(soft Asian music)

- So, just like this?

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

You wanna look me in the eyes?

I don't know.

What?

I'm pretty sure this was not in the ad.

- Welcome.

(soft Asian music)

- To the special.

- Sure.

- Thank you.

(woman speaking foreign language)

(soft Asian music)

- [Sean] Holy shit!

- Cannot speak English!

She ask you, $100 full service!

1-0-0.

- Oh, okay.

- You say you been here before!

- I paid 65, so I'm not
going to pay any more.

(woman speaking foreign language)

- Bullshit!

(screaming)

- Raid, dude, it's a fucking raid!

(chattering in foreign language)

- Hey, hey, hey, cops, hold it!

(shouting)

- [Justine] Go, go, go, go, go!

(shouting)

Is he coming?

- I don't think so, man.

(siren wails)

Shit, dude, where the fuck is Sean?

- Are you shitting me?

Aw, dude.

Come on, let's get out.

- How could that happen?

- I don't know, dude, I
was horny and distracted.

- You know what the cops are
gonna do if they find that?

- Fuck!

- All right, relax, relax.

What was in it?

- My school ID, my library card,

like another 50 bucks.

- Dude, damn.

Sean!

Where the fuck where you, asshole?

You know the place got raided?

- Yeah, yeah, imagine that.

Hey, check this out.

- Jesus Christ, dude.

- [Sean] Yep.

- That's got to be like 1000 bucks.

- Hey, look with your
eyes, not your hands.

- What'd you do?

- Well, I took it.

Found it and just took it.

Pretty gangster, huh?

- Dude, I'm impressed, that's awesome.

- [Justin] You better
give us out 65 bucks back.

You fucking better!

Fuck!

- The bitch stole his wallet, man.

Let's get outta here.

(van revs)

Nah, man, I'm sure if they found it,

they would've called your parents by now.

- [Woman] I do not want
to hear anymore about

how I don't pay you enough attention!

- [Man] Well, you don't!

This cable gets laid more than me!

When was the last time
you weren't too tired?

- Nah, dude, it's my parents.

I can't hear you.

I'm gonna call you
back, though, all right?

All right, bye.
- Will you keep it down

for Christ's sake?

Your son is in...
- You're the one

who needs to keep it down!

A man needs to sow his oats

more than once every six months!

(pounding thrash metal)

- Get out there!

We're gonna kill Western this year.

- Western is dead!

- It's already to go!

- Yeah!

- Come here, wall fag.

You know what time it is?

Flight 269 cleared for takeoff.

Get the fuck off.
- I'm outta here.

- What?

- Move over, faggots.

- [Sean] Ow!

- [Bully] Time to break this!

(laughing)

(Sean groans)

Looks really good faggot.

Cry home to your mother.

(Sean groans)

(shouting)
(groaning)

- Come on, bitch.

It's time for your big entrance.

- Come on, you pompous fag.

Let everyone see your tighty whities.

- No, I don't wanna do this!

- Guess where we're going?

- Why do you?

Oh, no!

- [Bully] Outside, faggot.

Outside, bitch.

(laughing)
(chattering)

- [Student] Poor Sean, are you okay?

(laughing)
(chattering)

- I got your shorts, man.

- Thanks.

Excuse me while I go commit suicide.

- [Student] Take pictures!

- [Ryan] Is your ass okay?

- [Student] Oh my God.

- [Student] What?

- Hey, Ryan, how was school?

- It sucked.

- Ryan!

- What, Mom, you want me to lie?

We had to play football in PE today.

It was embarrassing.

- Oh yeah?

Meet any hot babes?

- Just the cheerleaders.

- Cheerleaders.

Let me tell you about that.

You think you want girls,

and, before you know it, you're 45,

you're balding, maybe you
put on a pound or two,

and your dearly beloved wife of 20 years

won't give you the time of day.

- And your point is, Bill?

- Well, I remember when
you were a cheerleader.

- Oh, back when you were in shape?

Now look at you.

- I'm just saying, a lot of young ladies

would be very interested in me.

- Dad, Mom!

Are you kidding me?

- Do your homework, young man!

And clean that filthy rodent cage!

Ryan!

Ryan, can you come down for a minute?

Ryan!

- Yeah?

- Your permission slip,
the field trip tomorrow.

- That's right, I almost forgot.

Dad, I saw on the news last night

that the massage parlor got raided again.

I thought you said that only happens

like once every five years.

- Yeah, well, I've been wrong before.

It's terrible news, though.

Now where am I gonna go
to get my weekly coochie?

- That's not funny!

- It's a joke, El, at
least an attempt at one.

- You can go wherever you want.

No one would have you,

and I won't be here when you get back.

- Dad.

- [Dad] Yeah, Ryan?

- Never mind.

(bus rumbles)

- All right, we're going on
a trip to Kickapoo Mountain.

Gonna see lots of cliffs
and water and waterfalls.

Hey, you boys aren't
playing for money, are you?

- [Boy] No.

- No, not at all.
- Okay, all right.

All right, we're gonna see the mountain,

we're gonna see the
river and some waterfalls

and lots of (speaker drowned out by bus).

We're going to see waterfalls

and bugs and bears (speaker
cut off by squeaking).

(laughing)

And then we're gonna
see where Daniel Boone

paddled his canoe down the river

and Pike wrestled a bear.

(laughing)

All right, we're here.

Everybody out, leave
your lunches on the bus.

- Dude, Amber's all alone.

You should go talk to her.

- What am I gonna say?

Hey, Amber, I'm the retard who
you want nothing to do with,

but will you have sex with me?

Is that good?

- That's not bad.

Or you could go give her
a compliment or something.

God, just watch me, all right?

- Excuse you.

- That was good, that was really smooth.

I thought you had her.

(water roars)

(students chattering)

- [Teacher] Wow, getting a
little bit violent over there.

- I know!

- [Ryan] You find anything?

- Yeah, I found out how much my balls

can sweat in 30 minutes.

- This sucks!
- This sucks!

It sucks.
- Man, this shit sucks.

- [Justin] What is that?

Should we go talk to Rosenbaum?

- [Ryan] Yeah, where is he?

- How the fuck would I know?

- Hey, Mr. Rosenbaum, you
ever see one of these before?

- [Mr. Rosenbaum] Looks like
a small fetish of some kind.

- A fetish, like into feet
or bukkake or something?

- Don't be stupid, Justin.

It's a name given to
small carvings like this

by Native American peoples.

They believe it harnesses
the power of nature.

Nice find, Wilson.

- Thanks.

(water hisses)

- [Justin] Ah, God.

- [Cindy] Hey, Brian, what's going on?

- It's Ryan, actually.

- Hi, Ryan, you have
something on your face there.

- Um, what?

Yeah, totally.

- [Girl] Oh, poor thing.

Dust him and he gets so cute.

- [Amber] Why don't you come sit with me?

- With me.

- I mean, ladies, we can just all go up

and sit together, right?

Yeah, that's fine, okay.

- Oh my God, Ryan, you are so funny!

- I try really hard.

- Oh, you have sweat dripping

from your forehead right there.

- [Cindy] All that digging.

- [Amber] You mind if
I, you know, wash you

off a little later, hmm?

- [Ryan] I don't mind at all, no.

- [Amber] Okay.

- Yeah, I'm telling
you, man, it was crazy.

It was like a feeding frenzy.

Sydney Tollover even grabbed it.

- Grabbed what?

- It, you retard.

- She grabbed your Justin
Peterson on the bus?

- Dude, all I know is that
they wanted it, all right?

Goddamn, Amber smelled so good!

Ah, shit.

- Hey, what up, Ryan?

- What's up, Matt?

- So, what do you think you're
doing with Amber today, huh?

You know, my Amber?

- Yeah, faggot.
- Wait, your Amber?

Like, you got a receipt for that shit?

- Back the fuck up.

- Dude, what the hell, all right?

She came on to me, I didn't do anything.

- All right, well, maybe next time,

you should play a little harder to get.

- Yeah, well, maybe Amber

finally got herself a little class.

- Yeah, class.
- Got herself some class, huh?

(grunting)

- Stay down like how your dad likes it.

- Fuck face!

- [Diaz] Dumb asshole.

- [Justin] Dude, you all right?

- Yeah, yeah.
- I had your back.

I mean, from like over there,

but, like, you got his back?
- Yeah.

- [Ryan] Fuck those guys, man.

- [Justin] The car is that way.

- So how was the field trip today?

- It was all right, I guess.

Beats being at school.

- Find anything interesting?

- Actually, yeah.

(mysterious instrumental music)

- Say, that's pretty neat!

Looks like a little rabbit or something.

- [Ryan] You like it, it's yours.

- You don't want it?

- Hell no, it's just an old rock.

- Suit yourself.

Thanks!

You know, there was a time when you

used to kiss me goodbye.

- That ship sailed a long time ago.

- You see that, Ryan?

That's a former cheerleader talking.

- Maybe there's nothing worth
kissing any more anyway.

Oh, you're still here.

Ryan, I.

- Sir, excuse me, sir,
you forgot your receipt.

- Oh, thanks very much.

- And my number.

Call me.

Okay?

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Who is this?

Oh, well, you'll have to hold on.

Just hold on a minute.

Bill, it's for you.

Tom Riley from golf.

- Hello.

Tom, yes.

There must be some misunderstanding.

Yeah, but that's not the way it happened.

I swear to you, your
Lindsey was hitting on me.

Of course I know she's 17!

I don't think of your daughter that way.

I never said two words to her.

I'm telling you for the
last time, talk to her!

She came on to me.

I didn't do anything!

- He didn't do anything.

- That's right.

Now, goodnight.

- I'm telling you, it's the rock.

I mean, seriously, that's
gotta be the reason

why those girls got all sexed up with me

on the bus yesterday.

- Bullshit.

You're so fucking dumb.
- You're an idiot, man.

- No, I'm not kidding, I'm not kidding.

My dad's golf partner won't even talk

to him anymore because, all of a sudden,

his daughter wants to fuck my dad

right after I gave him the rock.

- Gotta admit, that's pretty wack.

- You think it has some
sort of Spanish fly powers

or something?

- I mean, yeah, something like that.

You know, it's definitely
more than just a rock.

- I mean, there's only
one way to make sure

it works like you say it does.

- Yeah, no, we gotta test it.

- Yeah, like now.

So give it!

- My dad still has it.

- Well, you gotta get it back!

- Yeah, I know, but I don't
wanna get him suspicious.

I gotta wait for the right
opportunity to swipe it.

- Hey, man, we'll go to the library

and try to figure out what it is.

- Yeah, that's a good idea.

I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna grab it,

and then we'll meet up later.

- Wait, we'll go to the library?

- Come on, man, it'll be nice.

Just me and you browsing.
- I'm so fucking lucky

you're my ride home.

Dude, you have no idea
how many cool points

I'm losing being seen at a library.

- Dude, you are so stupid.

A condition, which studies show,

is linked to low library patronage.

- Yeah, so is nerdism.

- That's not even a word, man.

- Shut up, Sean!
- You can't just add

"ism" to a word.
- Let's just find a computer.

- [Sean] All right, all
right, all right, all right.

So just look up Native American.

Okay, just Native American.
- I got it.

- Stones, rocks.
- How about this one?

- Hi, welcome to my wild world of fantasy.

- Wild world of fantasy, Sean.

- What is this?
- I absolutely love to play.

- She loves to play.
- I enjoy all sorts

of kinky fetish fun.

- Kinky fetish fun, Sean.

- It's too loud.
- You sick, sick bastard!

- [Sean] Just turn it down.

I don't want people looking at it.

- There's no one here.
- Sometimes, I like to spank

bad little boys.
- Keep that guy,

those guys waiting?

- After all, you need to be punished

when you've been naughty.

- [Justin] Punished.

- I'm talking to you, Uncle Frank!

- [Sean] All right, navigate away.

People might be monitoring
user activity or something.

- [Justin] Really?

- Yeah.
- They don't monitor

that shit, who has the time?

- [Sean] I don't know,

just navigate away.
- Hi, guys.

- [Fetish Girl] I know
exactly what you need.

- Hey, Cindy.
- I'll restrain you

and make you crawl on your hands and knees

and clean my toilet with your tongue.

And, after that...
- Disgusting!

- [Fetish Girl] I'll
drain you of your nasty

man juice.
- Station Two.

- [Fetish Girl] And feed it to you

like the pig that you are!

- Can I use your computer
to print something.

- Well, you'll have to ask Sean.

He's the one using it.

- [Sean] Nah.

- Station Two, I'm going to
have to ask you to leave.

- Yeah, get a life, perv.

Am I right?
- Would you like me

to paddle your little bottom for you?

- We cannot have public access computers

used to view pornographic content!

- [Fetish Girl] Well,
you can forget about it,

you sick bastard!

- Fucking never mind.

- And this is also a no swear zone.

Now beat it, Mister.

- [Fetish Girl] And I'll
put these toes in your face

and give you all this
athlete's foot, actually.

- Ew, what the hell?
- God!

- [Fetish Girl] You like that?

- Video game broken?

- What, a guy can't just
hang out with his dad

and watch the news?

- You kidding me?

This is great!

Tell you what, you want a beer?

- Fuck, yeah, sure.

- Get one for me, too, would you?

Well, I'm gonna take a shower.

No more beer for you.

- All right.

(shower hisses)

- Ooh, Lindsey.

Oh, holy fuck!
- I didn't see anything!

So, you guys ready for this?

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

(funky instrumental music)

Dude, can you fucking believe it?

- [Amber] Ooh, hi, Brian.

- Amber.

- I was wondering what you
were doing after school?

Maybe you and I could, um?

Oh, so, like I was saying,

maybe you and I could go out after school.

- And me.

I'm having a party this Friday,

if you wanna come.

- Excuse me, ladies.

You, I need a word with you.

Grab him, boys.

- Hey.

Stop!

What are you doing?

Let go of me!

Hands, get your hands out of my pants!

(funky rock music)

- And so, class, tonight's assignment

is to read any short story by any author

of the Romantic period.

Katie, darling, where do
you think you're going?

- I was just gonna change my seat

somewhere in the back.

- No, you'll sit in your assigned seat.

- Hey, stop!
- Move!

- Girls!
- Stop!

- He's mine!
- Hey, stop!

- Stop!
- What are you doing?

- Katie, go, go to the
principal's office right now!

- Get outta here!
- Stop!

- What's going on?
- Katie, no!

- Girls, stop it!
- Get off of him!

- Stop it, Gina.

Go to the principal's office

right now.
- Yeah, go to

the principal's office.
- He's mine!

- You, too.

Come on, get out.

- I didn't do anything.

- What's that you've got, Mr. Wilson?

- Oh, it's nothing.

It's my good luck charm.

- Well, whatever it is, it has nothing

to do with English literature.

- It's got something to do
with the Romantic period.

- Now, you may have it back after class

or later in detention, if you'd rather.

(percussive instrumental music)

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

(record scratches)

What's going on here?

(bell rings)

(percussive instrumental music)

- Miss Sumner, I've been bad.

Can I have detention?

- Boys, go on.

You're gonna be late for your next period.

Go on, go, go, go.

- Miss Sumner, you are
so fucking beautiful.

- Thank you, Art.

Thank you, go on.

Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo,
go, go, go, go, go.

Go, boys, go.

(percussive instrumental music)

Next time, leave your toys at home.

- Yes, ma'am.

(record scratches)

- Dude!

Try it.

- No way, man.

- Well, here, give it, I'll try.

- Yes, Mr. Peterson?

- Miss Sumner, I was
wondering, do you like me?

- Well, certainly, Justin.

I like all my students.

- Good, 'cause I just wanted to know if.

- Wait til I talk to your mother

about that filthy mouth of yours!

- [Justin] Didn't work at all.

- So, you're sure you
haven't seen him, man?

- Yeah, dude, not since
fifth period English.

- Guys.
- Oh my God!

- Dude, where have you been, man?

- I'm trying to get away
from these girls, man.

If I'm not careful,
they'll be all over me.

You know, it kinda sucks being hot.

- Yeah, don't forget it's just because

of what's in your pocket.

You are still a loser.

- Yeah, man.

- And it doesn't even work right.

- Are you kidding me?

Did you not see Sumner today?

She was off the chain hot.

- Sumner, from the English department?

Are you high, man?

- [Ryan] You didn't tell him?

- Nope.
- Dude, Sumner got a hold

of the rock today and she turned

into like the phattest
hottie I've ever seen.

- Shit, man, if only I
was dumb like you guys

and wasn't in AP, we could
have the same classes.

- Gee, no offense, asshole.

And, anyway, how come when I had the rock

and I talked to Sumner, she went all

Jerry Springer on me?

- I can't figure that one out.

- You hit on Sumner?

- Maybe she's like a tranny or something.

I've seen some pictures
where you can hardly tell

if they have...
- Dude, shut the fuck up.

No way, dude, all right, listen,

it's very obvious that we need to do

some more tests on this.

All right, can you guys skip next period?

- Dude, for this, I would skip college.

- All right, all right,
Sean, go get your car.

- Wait, why?

- Don't ask fucking questions,

just go get your car.

- Okay.
- Shit, girls, girls, come on!

- I'll get my car, meet me at the corner.

All right, where are we going?

- To your house.

- What, that's the last place I wanna go

when we're skipping school.

- Yeah, I know, I just wanna try

this thing out on your mom.

- What, no way you and that rock

are going anywhere near my mom!

- Jesus, take it easy, psycho, all right?

I just wanna see if someone like your mom,

like a Sumner, doesn't
get the hots for me.

That might tell us something.

- Yeah, it'll mean she's
not into stupid fags.

- Oh, come on, Sean, it's not
about him banging your mom.

Is it?

- Of course not, dude.

Sean's mom is a cow, not a cougar.

- Take it back, say you're
sorry and take it back

or get out of my car and
we're not friends anymore.

- Jesus, dude, don't be so sensitive.

- Say you're sorry.

- All right, all right, I'm sorry.

We can go somewhere else.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry your mom is a cow.

(Justin moos)

(laughing)

- So, what are we doing at the mall?

Only the skeezers hang out here.

- He's got a plan obviously.

- Yeah, what?

- Just a plan, shut the fuck up.

All right, so what's this
plan of yours, genius?

- It'll all make sense in a minute.

Just keep your eyes peeled.

- For what?
- For what?

- You'll see.

- I see a mall.

- There she is.

- What, all I see is Sally Beasley.

- Easy Beasley, I get it now.

- Yep, yep.

I'm thinking the rock
only works on virgins.

- Oh, yeah, you idiots, Sally Beasley's

slept with like half our class already.

- I think the point is
to prove it won't work.

- Yeah.

- There she is.

Hey, Easy, uh, Sally.

How you doing?
- I know you?

- We go to school together, Ryan Wilson.

- Right, right.

- I was just wondering if
you're feeling what I'm feeling.

- Like that stomach
flu thing going around?

- No, not the stomach flu thing.

- You must be Billy Godfried's brother.

- No.

- Yeah, you are.

I'd recognize that bone
structure anywhere.

Only, you're even cuter.

(Sean chuckles)

- I think we've learned
all we need to know, guys.

- Let's go.
- Thanks a lot, Sally.

- Come on.
- Whatever, you guys

are weird.

- Dude, can you believe this?

I mean, holy shit!

- I know, man, Sally likes me.

- No, ass clown, fucking virgins!

- Hey, Ryan, didn't you say before

when Sumner got the stone

that you said she looked hot.

- Yeah, well, why are
you bringing that up?

- Well, I mean, you said before

that while you were on vacation

you bagged no fewer than two hotties.

- You guys know I've always
had a thing for Sumner.

I mean, I always thought
she was really sexy,

like kind of like a TILF.

- Try a GILF, maybe, virgin.

- Whatever, dickwad.

(chuckling)

The point is it was no different for me

yesterday with Sumner.

Why, did you think she was
hot just because of the stone,

you fucking virgin?

- Hey, first off, this
is about you, Wilson,

and, second off, you all know I had

Nancy Mullin upstairs at that party

last year on Halloween.

Oh my God.

- I'm gonna fuck you.

Fuck!

Justin Peterson!

I thought you were Mike!

- No shit?

He's a skeleton, too.

- So fucking gross!

- I can be Mike!

Mike's a dick!

- Yeah, conveniently on
the night she left town,

so we could never confirm the hit.

- Awm, whatever, you know
she was digging on my boner.

- Yeah, whatever.

Jesus.
- Well, wait, anyway,

what are you talking about, virgin?

- Oh yeah, don't bother with him.

He's not gonna understand.

- Hey, son.

- Hey.

- How was school today?

And don't say it sucked.

- It was okay.

Are you guys okay?

- Everything's good, real good.

- All right, I'm gonna be in my room.

Yeah, man, I'm sitting down, what's up?

- So where would you find
the highest concentration

of virgins this side
of the known universe.

- I don't know, sitting
right behind your computer?

- Ha, very funny, no.

Remember that girl that I challenged

to that hot dog eating
contest in my pants?

The one who slapped me?

- (chuckles) Yeah, dude,
that was hilarious.

Then you...

- Yeah, where did she go to school?

Yeah, remember, we
stopped her that one time?

- Yeah, yeah, I remember.

It was like Saint something.

- Saint Agnes Catholic School

for Girls!
- For Girls!

- Hi.
- Hey.

- So where's your new boyfriends,

Ryan and that dork with the glasses?

- I haven't seen them.

- Tell you what, if you ever, ever

embarrass me like that again!

- Ow, you're hurting me.

- No, you're only hurting yourself.

- What are you looking at?

(deep organ music)

- Oh, here we go, here we go.

- Where did you guys find this place?

- Sure as hell didn't find
it in a fucking library.

- Oh, this is gonna be fun.

- Let's do this.

(tense instrumental music)

- Shit, man, they've got security.

- Well, if you were
interested in preserving

the hymens of 500 girls, wouldn't you...

- Shut up.

Oh, shit, let's go.

- Okay.

(tense instrumental music)

- [Girl] Do something, come on!

(girls shouting)

- [Girl] Oh my gosh.

You're so mean.

(girls chattering)

- [Girl] You suck.

(girls chattering)

- [Girl] Come on, really?

(magical instrumental music)

- [Girl] Ow, my face!

- See, you have to pay attention.

Your enemies are all around you.

They try and get things from you.

They want your goodies, and you must

always protect yourselves,
ladies, at all times.

(tense instrumental music)

Okay, ladies, remember,
it's about winning.

- Gimme the rock.

- No.
- Come on, gimme the rock!

Give me the rock!

- And to be sure that no one, no one,

gets your goodies.

- Hi there.

- [Justin] Hi, I've come for you.

- You lucky bastard.

- Why'd you give him the rock, man?

- Can you believe this?

- Allow me!

- Oh, Jesus Christ!

(gasping)

Sorry, forgot, Catholic school.

- I'll come back for you.
- Run, dude!

- [Justin] Go, go, go!

- Two JP's loose, on the run, copy!

- JP's?

- Juvenile perverts!

(exciting instrumental music)

- That was way too close, dude.

How'd you get away?

- I punched him, man.

- Punched him?
- Yeah.

- Dude!

(toilet flushes)

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, please, please don't scream.

(girl screams)

(exciting instrumental music)

- Hey, how are you?

Yeah, I'm good.

So are we still on for dinner tonight?

Oh, why is that?

- Hey.

- Hi.
- How are you?

- I'm good, how are you?

Fuck, call me!

(exciting instrumental music)

- Been looking for them for 20 minutes.

- 20 minutes, you mean we lost them?

- Yeah, or else we scared them off.

- Man.

- [Justin] Ow!

- What the?

- I can explain.

(laughing)

- Shit, man, where's Justin?

- I don't know, dude, he's
trapped behind enemy lines.

- He's fucked.

- Let's get outta here.

- You mean you have no library card,

no ID, no nothing?

- No, I lost it all at Mass.

- I'm going out to look for the others.

- Good idea.

- Jim, I think we can handle it from here.

Why don't you go ahead with Dwayne?

- Well, he's not armed, but.

- Jim, please, God will protect us.

- Okay, Sister, you're the boss.

- Look, sisters, I know,

I'm a really good kid, it's just, I don't.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

- Oh, my blessed son,

my hot, hot son!

- [Justin] Oh, Jesus Christ!

- Sister Pat, I can't believe you,

acting like a whore of Babylon.

- Don't you sister me, Sister!

I saw you and that
pornographic tongue of yours.

- Okay, so where are you now?

Are you okay, dude?

You sound a little weird.

Okay, okay, bye.

- So what's the dealio, man?

- Dude, he got away.

- Thank God.

- I will, turn this piece of shit around.

All right, so you at least
saved the rock, right?

- Yeah, here.

I'd rather have nothing
to do with it right now.

- Dude, what's wrong with him?

Maybe we should take him to
the hospital or something.

- No, dude, that's just
gonna freak him out,

and don't call his parents.

Just shut the fuck up.

- Are you sure you can't remember

anything after the guards
left the room, man?

- I don't wanna talk about it.

I can't believe we cut all day of school,

we're sober, and we struck out.

- Dude, you gotta look at it this way.

We still have a magic rock that can

get us laid whenever we want.

- Yeah, all it's gotten me so
far is punched in the face.

- Man, I'm like scarred for life.

- That's it, dude, what
happened back there?

- I said I don't wanna talk about it.

- All right.

- The point is, we've had that rock

for like three days, and we
haven't done dick with it.

- Yeah, he's right, man, you
never even let me touch it.

- That's what she said.

- Cut the jokes, Wilson.

We just wanna get laid,

like any guys in our position would.

- All right, the Catholic
school thing was your idea.

- That's not the point.

The point is I've never
gotten laid ever, all right?

There, I said it.

And society puts a lot of
pressure on a guy like me,

who won't feel normal
until he earns the right

to say, sure, I had sex, so what?

- There's always Cindy's party tonight.

We sort of got invited.

I say we get in there and tap

some hot cheerleader ass
before the magic is gone.

- Now he is speaking my language.

- All right, all right, all right,

I'm gonna bring the rock tonight.

Are you happy?

I don't see how this is my fault, though.

- Woo!

- [Ryan] Dad!

- [Bill] Yeah, Ryan?

- Nothing, never mind.

Penicillin.

Rabies, who has rabies?

Scurvy?

What is he, a pirate?

Jackpot!

(pills clatter)

Nom don't come in, I'm not decent!

- Got a minute?

- Yeah, sure.

- Before you go out to wherever
you're gonna go tonight,

I wanted to talk to you
about your mom and me.

I guess you figured out by now

that the tension's
pretty thick around here.

- Yeah, a little bit.

- This is the part of the conversation

where the Dad manual
says I'm supposed to tell

you how everything's gonna be all right

and how you shouldn't worry.

But you're not a kid anymore.

You deserve better than that.

The truth is, your mom and me,

we've been talking, and, well,

I just don't know how it's gonna turn out.

- But you still love her, right?

- Yeah, yeah, of course, I
love her, I love your mom.

Your mom is a wonderful woman.

She's a beautiful woman.

I probably should've told her that

more often than I did.

But this marriage, it's like the old song,

the thrill is gone.

Listen, no matter what happens,

you know that your mom and I both,

we love you very much.

- Yeah, sure, Dad.

- All right.

- Thanks for being so
straight with me, Dad.

- Any time, buddy.

Ryan, your mom is right,

that guinea pig cage,

this room does smell like pee.

- All right, I think we're good.

Ready?

- What's with all the sneaking around?

- If you must know, I got grounded

for what I said to Sumner.

- What exactly did you say to her?

- I asked her if she
wanted to go down on me

and suck my dick and
finger my butthole, okay?

- (chuckles) Jesus, dude.

- Yeah, I mean, I've
always wanted it done, so.

- With Sumner?

- Ah, no, dude, like in general.

- All right, that's what I thought,

because that bitch has big hands.

- [Justin] Look at this guy.

- [Ryan] What are you doing, shitass?

- [Justin] Yeah, get off that car.

You're gonna scratch it.

- [Ryan] Where's your van?

- This is my car.

(Justin laughs)

- Bullshit.
- Yeah, okay.

- Bullshit.
- You got a bunch

of keys, but that doesn't mean you're...

- Just get in.

- [Ryan] What the fuck,
where'd you get this?

- You remember the money I
got from the massage parlor?

- No way, dude.
- Yeah.

- Oh, so you can go out and buy a car

and you can't give me $65?

- [Sean] Come on, man, let's go.

- Fucking asshole, dude.

Just, let's go.

Hold on. (laughing)

(roof buzzes)

- That is so sexy.

Damn, dude.

I'm jealous.

- How are we not gonna
get laid in this thing?

- We will get laid in this thing.

- Anyways, anyways, who's
got something to drink,

'cause I got nothing, and
I need something, please.

- Well, I got these wine coolers.

My mom used to drink
them before my dad left.

- Well, maybe that's why he left.

(Ryan chuckles)

- [Sean] Dude, dude, don't
get it all over my car, man.

Well, what do you have?

- I got pills!

I think they're prescription.

- Prescription?
- Yeah.

- Here, hold this.

- Dude.

Yeah.
- What is this

brown stuff in here?

- It's hedgehog shit, but.

- Oh!
- Dude, what?

- It's not even that important.

Let's just dig in.

That's pussy shit.
- How is it?

- That is pussy shit.
- Okay, man.

Well, no one wants your
little shit medicine.

(laughing)

How's that taste?

Terrible?

(heavy metal music)

- Are we good?

What the fuck are you doing?

- Dancing, man, what does it look like?

- It looks like you're
having a goddamn seizure

is what it looks like.

- Okay, okay, man, just give me the rock

so I can get some cock.

- Did he just say what I think he said?

- I mean so I can give her some cock.

- All right, that's what I thought.

All right, you're gonna go in there,

you're gonna find the first
girl you want, all right?

Otherwise, you're gonna
have honeys all over you.

- Right.
- You wanna be careful,

otherwise, we're gonna score
a big fat zero on this.

You got it?
- I got it.

- All right.

What the fuck are you doing?

- It's cologne, man, I wanna
smell nice for the ladies.

- Would you just get your
ass in there, all right?

And make sure you come back

as soon as you're done
taking care of business

so we can have a turn.
- Okay.

- If you so much as look at
Amber, I'll fucking kill you.

You got it?

- Okay, man, does my hair look good?

- It looks terrible.

- What the fuck does it matter?

It's a sure goddamned thing.

Get your ass in there already!

- Okay, man, wish me luck.

- Good luck.

- [Sean] Yeah!

- He is so fucked.

- [Sean] Woo!

- Which means we're fucked.

- Why the fuck did we give him
the rock in the first place?

We just screwed ourselves!

Oh my fucking God, dude!

- I have some drinks downstairs
if you wanna go grab some.

I'll be right there.

Hey, wait!

- [Boy] Who the fuck was that?

- Some wieners.

- Hey, Sean, right?

- Yeah, Tammy from geometry.

- Yeah, did you just get here?

- Uh, uh...
- Huh?

Are you okay?

You disgusting creep!

- Wait a minute, you're not a virgin?

- I never!

(Sean groans)

What business is it of yours anyways?

You have a lot of nerve, asshole.

And if you ever tell
anyone about me fucking

Matt Waite at the carnival,
I'll fucking kill you.

- Bitches be crazy, right?

(funky rock music)

- Hey, handsome.

- Oh, hey, Sally.

You here with someone?

- I'm here with you.

You know, there's a back room with a sofa.

- Are you drunk, 'cause I could...

- No, follow me.

Is this okay?

- Oh, yeah, it's nice.

Do you come here a lot?

- Hmm?

- Have you been here before?

Uh, uh, Sally, can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

- You've done this, I've
never done this before.

So why me?

- You seem nice.

The opposite of most guys I've been with.

It turns out, most guys really are pigs.

- I'm not a pig, am I?

- If you're asking the question

because you think that you might be one,

it means you have a conscience

and, therefore, no, you
definitely are not a pig.

- That's good to know.

- What do you think, who do
you think he's doing in there?

- I don't know, man.

I swear to God, if he loses that rock

or gets caught or something!

- Dude, you're freaking out, right, man?

Chill, it'll be all right.

- It shouldn't take him
more than 10 seconds.

He should be out here by now.

- Maybe he's doubling up.

- All right, it's 10:40, I'm going in.

- Let's do this!

(chattering)

- One more time, one more time.

(chattering)

- You suck!

(shouting)

- Oh, way to like spill it on my back.

- I bet you like that, huh?

(shouting)

- Miss!

(chattering)

- You can do it, let's go!

- I got it.

(shouting)

- I am so fucking twisted.

This stuff is so amazing.

- It is.

Save some for me.
- Okay.

- Finish your game now, faggot.

- What the fuck?

- I can't believe she's not here yet.

- I know, can you believe
what she did with him?

Homewrecker.

- [Girl] Oh, hi, guys.

(chattering)

- Sorry about that!
- Okay.

And I'm drunk.

- Where'd you get that ball?

- Man, I took it from
the fucking pool table.

It's a shitty sport.

- Come on, come on, make this shot.

- All right, bitch.
- I got this, I got this.

- All right, move it.

(chattering)

Drunk bitch.

My quarter now.

- Hey, we need a replacement.

Anybody?

Hey!

Justin.
- Faggot.

- Come on.
- Me?

- [Matt] Come on,
Peterson, are you a pussy?

- Oh, fuck that, let's do this, come on.

- Come on.

All right.

We got this.

- [Party-Goer] You suck, you suck.

- No!
- Come on.

- [Matt] Someone gets
lost in the muscle sauce,

trying to play catcher.

- Hey, Amber.

- Hey.
- Hey.

This is an awesome party.

- Yeah.

- So Cindy's parents
don't mind about all this?

- They're in Barbados.

- Oh, that's awesome.

I was wondering, have you
seen Sean around anywhere?

- No, try outside.

- Yeah, I looked outside,
but what about upstairs?

- In the bedrooms?

(chuckling)

- Yeah.
- All I know

is I haven't seen him.

- All right.

Listen, I was wondering if maybe sometime

you wanted to go out to
dinner and a movie, maybe?

- Aw, thank you!

But, you know, I'm kinda seeing
Matt Waite right now, so.

- Yeah, I know, but I'm gonna

definitely see you later, okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

(pulsing electronic music)

- Okay, well, I'm going
to go freshen up a bit.

- I'll come find you.

- [Sally] Okay.

(pulsing electronic music)

- Hey!

(pulsing instrumental music)

You smell nice.

- (chuckles) Hey.

- Why haven't I ever noticed
you have such a cute ass?

(Sean chuckles nervously)

Come on, let me just suck it.

- Dude, dude, what are you doing?

What, dude!

Stop!

(Sean screams)
- Don't struggle.

- [Sean] This won't fly, I can't!

- Oh, Jesus, dude, throw me the rock,

get rid of it!

(pulsing electronic music)

- Oh my God, what the?

Oh my God!

(pulsing electronic music)

(chattering)

- Amber, Amber, come here.

I wanna show you something, come here.

Do you wanna go upstairs?

- Sure.

- All right, come here.

(chattering)

- Nothing.

(shouting)

- Diaz, let's go, Freddy!

Come on, take a little sip.

- [Matt] All right, all right, all right.

(shouting)

- Diaz!

- [Matt] All right, one
more, one more, one more,

one more, one more.

(chattering)

(shouting)

- [Party-Goers] Drink,
drink, drink, drink,

drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,

drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink

drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.

(shouting)

(laughing)
(retching)

- [Party=goer] Oh my God!

- You mother-faggot.

My grandmother gave me this shirt.

What's wrong with you?

(chattering)

- Oh, get the fuck outta here!

(pulsing electronic music)

- Wait, wait, wait.

I actually kind of like the dark.

- Whatever you want, sweetie, anything.

(pulsing electronic music)

- Amber, wait.

- I want you to know,
I've never, you know.

- No, trust me, I know.

- It feels so strange.

- Strange like you don't wanna do this?

- No, of course, I do.

It's just I can't believe
you and I have never.

- That's because you really don't...

- Whatever you want, Ryan Wilson.

I'm yours.

- Amber, wait.

I can't do this.

- Is it me?

Oh, you want me to go down, okay.

- No, no, no, no.

I don't need you, I just
realized I don't have a condom.

- Are you serious?

Look, I'm so ready for this.

- No, Amber, trust me.

I am crazy about you, it's
just that this is wrong.

I'm sorry.

- [Justin] Oh my God, dude.

All right, all right,
all right, tell me, bro,

was it really wet?

- Yeah, and hot, but the good hot.

- [Justin] Oh my God, that is amazing!

- Yeah, but you know, right?

- Oh, about Easy Beasley, yeah,
everybody knows about that.

I'm talking about Diaz almost getting

his mouth all over your dick, dude.

I heard you got some of that cock

you were talking about earlier.

- [Sean] Okay.

- Oh, stud muffin, tell
me, was she amazing?

- Yeah, man, she was amazing.

- All right, well, you have to tell me

all about it later, but, for now,

please, give me the rock.

- I don't think it's
such a good idea, dude.

- What are you talking
about, are you fucking crazy?

- Yeah, fair is fair.

- Give me the goddamn rock.

- I couldn't do it, all right?

I pussyed out.

- Bullshit, you expect us to believe

that you didn't get with
the finest piece of ass

that goes to our high school?

- Dude, this is so wrong, all right?

These girls think that we're
untouchables, all right?

They don't even like us.

The only reason why they
wanna have sex with us

is because of this fucking rock.

It's like date rape, it's sick.

- Are you fucking crazy?

All of a sudden, you're a fucking saint?

Look, just because you
can't take advantage

of the best thing that's
ever happened to guys ever,

doesn't mean I feel the same way.

You and Sean had your chance.

Now give me the fucking
rock, it's my turn.

- I'm not giving it to you, man.

- [Justin] Give me the fucking rock.

- Get outta here, dude, I'm
not giving you the rock.

- If you don't give me that rock,

you're fucking dead, all right?

You're fucking dead!

- Well, you're just gonna
have to take it from me, man.

- [Justin] Give me the...

- Fuck, get off of me, man!

What's wrong with you?

(fleshy smack)
(grunting)

- Give me the fucking rock.
(fleshy smacks)

Fucking asshole.

Fucking shit.

(funky electronic music)

- Cindy, hey, you and me, upstairs.

- Okay.
- Let's go.

(chattering)

- It's weird, you know, man?

You and Justin have been
friends since like forever.

- Yeah, well, we didn't know Diaz

was a gay virgin, either, did we?

- No.

- I think my parents are
getting a divorce, man.

- Shit, man.

I'm sorry.

What are you gonna do?

- Here's your fucking rock
back, you stupid pussy.

- Justin, where you going, man?

Ryan's...

What are we gonna do about the rock?

- I'll take care of it, dude.

- What are you gonna do with it?

- I said I'll take care of it!

(moody rock music)

♪ I don't want to go it alone ♪

♪ I don't want to go it alone ♪

- [Justin] Ryan.

- How'd you find me here?

- We've been best friends
since we were seven, dude.

You run when you're mad.

- What the fuck do you want?

- Just wanna say I'm sorry, dude.

I mean, last night, this
whole thing with the rock,

it's just I don't wanna
lose my best friend, right?

- Who sounds like the pussy now, huh?

- I guess I resemble that remark a little.

- A little like your baby Peterson?

- Fuck off, dude.

- Yeah, I guess we're cool.

- Good.

So I wanna tell you this new plan

about us getting laid.

- (chuckles) Do I even wanna hear this?

- Swingers clubs, dude.

All right, we pay 50 bucks,

and these wives just like split up

with their husbands for it.

- Where do you get these ideas?

- Where do I get all my ideas?

They just come to me.

- Right.

- All right, man, we good?

- Yeah.
- All right.

What'd you do with the rock, anyway?

- I figured we'd use it one last time.

I gave it to the two people who need

it way more than we do.
- Awesome.

(rock music)

- Well, that was the movie.

- I've seen better, I've gotta tell you.

No explosions, no car chases.

- Oh, please.

It was romantic, I loved it.

- Hey there, stud.

(girls chatter)

- What is this, what's going on?

- I told you, the ladies can't keep

their hands off me.

- Hey, beefcake.

- Come here, big daddy.

- How can you be?

Girls, ladies!

Let me make something clear.

He may not be perfect, we
may argue from time to time,

I may not always give him all
the attention he deserves,

but this is my man!

And nobody's allowed to put
their hands on him anywhere

or take him home and make
love to him, except me!

Now get out!

Come here, baby.

(sultry instrumental music)

Oh, Daddy, oh, Daddy.

Come here, tiger.

Whoa.

- Give me some of that jiggy-boo, baby.

(laughing)

- [Mom] You are hot, hot, hot!

Oh, baby!

- Well, Amber, I'm sorry
that you can't acknowledge

that Changling is the
greatest movie of all time.

No, I am being serious.
- Oh, baby!

- I can't hear you, it's my parents.

Anyways, are you going to Ava's party?

Nah, I heard it's supposed to be great.

I think they're getting a keg,

and I was thinking that maybe we could,

I don't know, go together?

- Okay.

- Yeah?

(water hisses)

- Are you sure you wanna do this?

- Yeah, I'm sure, man.

- What are we doing up here, anyway?

- It's a long story and, believe me,

if I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

- What's with the rock?

- Found it on Mr. Rosenbaum's field trip.

It's a fetish.

- You mean like when you get off

from being choked during sex?

- Well, that's enough talk.

Let's just throw it.

- [Sally] Can I throw it?

- Yeah, sure.

Oh my God, Sally, anyone
ever tell you that...

- [Justin] The hottest girl ever.

- No, but thanks.

- Hey, I'd throw that thing if I were you.

- Okay.

(water hisses)

- You never did it.

- I couldn't after what you said.

It made me guilty, I got whisky dick.

- You mean neither of you two guys

actually did anything?

- What, what are we talking about?

What's going on?
- Nothing!

And when it comes to these two virgins,

I mean nothing.

Come on, let's go.

- [Sally] Okay.

- Oh, well, I guess that's that.

- Yeah.

Well, who needs magical powers anyway

when you're all that?

- I mean, right, we'll get
laid when the time's right.

- Yeah.

- So tell me about this swingers thing.

- Oh yeah, it's advertised online.

These married chicks, right,
they swap partners and stuff.

- Wait, wait, wait, how old are they?

- I'm pretty sure they wouldn't appreciate

us asking that, but,
anyway, these married.

(percussive rock music)