The Thrill of It All (1963) - full transcript

The Happy Soap Company is owned and managed by the Fraleigh family. Although he is more of a company figurehead than an active participant in the company's day-to-day business, anything that family patriarch Tom Fraleigh wants for the company he usually gets. What he wants is Beverly Boyer - the wife of his daughter-in-law's obstetrician, Dr. Gerald Boyer - to appear as the company spokesperson when Beverly, who he meets at a small dinner party, mentions a personal and true story about how Happy Soap saved her life. She is to appear in a live commercial spot during a Happy Soap sponsored television show telling her story just as she told Tom. Despite Beverly's performance going poorly in her own mind, Tom loved it and how refreshing and honest Beverly came across to the viewer. So Tom signs her to a one year, $80,000 contract to continue doing the same. This move is questioned by Happy Soap's own managers and its advertising company. But it is questioned even more by Gerald, who believes Beverly's place is in the home taking care of the house and their two adolescent children. As Beverly continues to do the commercials, her fame rises and her professional commitments increase which add another level of strain to their marriage. Only a natural act by Mrs. Fraleigh Jr. may be able to save the Boyer's marriage.

[ Knocks On Glass ]

OH!

OH!

[ Giggling ]

[ Giggling ]

OH!

DARLING?
DARLING.

I'M PREGNANT.

[ Johnny Mann Singers ]
♪ YOU KNOW IT
I KNOW YOU KNOW IT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I SHOW IT

♪ IMPOSSIBLE DEAL TO CONCEAL
WHEN YOU FEEL ♪



♪ THE THRILL OF IT ALL

♪ OH, BROTHER, I GOT A FEELING
LIKE NO OTHER ♪

♪ THE MOMENT WE MET
I COULD BET I WOULD GET ♪

♪ THE THRILL OF IT ALL

♪ LOVE CAN BE FRIGHTENING

♪ A BOLT FROM THE BLUE

♪ THAT TENDER LIGHTNING

♪ STARTS YOUR HAPPY HEART
A-THUNDERING I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ WE KNOW IT
I KNOW WE KNOW IT ♪

♪ WE BOTH SHOW IT

♪ WE'RE WALKIN' ON AIR
LOOK-A HERE, LOOK-A THERE ♪

♪ THE THRILL OF IT ALL

♪ THE LUCKIEST PAIR, I DECLARE

♪ WHEN WE SHARE



♪ THE THRILL OF IT ALL

♪♪ [ Orchestra Continues ]

♪♪

♪ LOVE CAN BE FRIGHTENING

♪ A BOLT FROM THE BLUE

♪ THAT TENDER LIGHTNING

♪ STARTS YOUR HAPPY HEART
A-THUNDERING I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ WE KNOW IT
I KNOW WE KNOW IT ♪

♪ WE BOTH SHOW IT

♪ WE'RE WALKIN' ON AIR
LOOK-A HERE, LOOK-A THERE ♪

♪ THE THRILL OF IT ALL

♪ THE LUCKIEST PAIR
I DECLARE ♪

♪ WHEN WE SHARE
THE THRILL OF IT ALL ♪

♪ THE THRILL OF IT ALL ♪

[ Woman Over P.A. System ]
DR. SCHULTZ, DR. SCHULTZ.

YOU ARE WANTED IN SURGERY TWO.
EMERGENCY.

DR. SCHULTZ, EMERGENCY.
SURGERY TWO.

MR. CAPUTO?
YEAH, THAT'S ME.
THAT'S ME.

YOUR WIFE HAD A BEAUTIFUL
SEVEN-POUND BABY GIRL.
THEY'RE BOTH FINE.

HOW ABOUT THAT?
SEVEN-POUND BABY GIRL!

H-HOW MUCH
DID IT WEIGH?
SEVEN POUNDS.

YOU CAN GO IN AND SEE
YOUR WIFE AND DAUGHTER NOW.

DON'T I HAVE TO BE STERILE?
THE NURSE WILL FURNISH YOU
WITH A HOSPITAL GOWN.

THANK YOU, DOC.
I MEAN, THANK YOU, DOCTOR!
YOU'RE WELCOME.

THANKS.
[ Woman On P.A. ]
DR. GERALD BOYER, TELEPHONE.

DR. GERALD BOYER, TELEPHONE.

DR. BOYER,
TELEPHONE, PLEASE.

DR. BOYER.

WHO? MR. GARDINER FRA--
OH, YES. MR. FRALEIGH!

HOW ARE YOU, SIR?
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

NOT A THING, MY BOY.

I'M JUST CALLING ON BEHALF
OF MRS. FRALEIGH AND MYSELF.

I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW UTTERLY DELIGHTED
WE BOTH ARE AT THE NEWS.

Y-YOU'RE A POSITIVE GENIUS.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GIVING ME
MORE CREDIT THAN I DESERVE.

OH, NONSENSE.
WE'RE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL
TO YOU, DOCTOR.

I'M HAPPY TO HAVE DONE
WHAT I COULD.

JUST A MOMENT, DOCTOR.

DOCTOR, I'M HAVING
A FAMILY DINNER TONIGHT
TO CELEBRATE WHAT HAPPENED.

IT WOULD GIVE US
GREAT PLEASURE IF YOU AND
YOUR WIFE COULD BE PRESENT.

- THAT'S VERY NICE
OF YOU, BUT I--
- PLEASE, DON'T SAY NO.

I KNOW HOW BUSY YOU MUST BE,

BUT COULDN'T YOU LOOK
ON THIS VISIT AS A HOUSE CALL?

IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH TO US
IF YOU COULD BE THERE. PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT, VERY WELL.
WE'LL BE THERE.

THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
OUR CHAUFFEUR WILL
PICK YOU UP AT YOUR HOME.

OH, NO, IT'S REALLY
NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
I INSIST.

GOOD NIGHT,
MRS. FRALEIGH.

GOOD-BYE.

LET ME DO THAT FOR YOU.

OH!
[ Giggles ]

[ Laughs ]

COME ON NOW.
SIT AROUND HERE.
TILT YOUR HEAD BACK.

I SAID BACK,
NOT FORWARD. COME ON NOW.
I WANT TO SHAMPOO YOUR HAIR.

I DON'T WANT YOU
TO SHAMPOO ME!

DARLING, I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO PLAY GAMES WITH YOU TODAY.

I HAVE A ROAST IN THE OVEN,
AND MOMMY'S VERY BUSY.

I DON'T WANT YOU
TO SHAMPOO ME.
MAGGIE, WHY NOT?

'CAUSE THAT SHAMPOO
SMELLS "OOKY"!

IT SMELLS LIKE
IT ALWAYS SMELLS.

SMELLS LIKE THE CRACKS
IN THE SCHOOLYARD.

CAN'T WE USE
THE NEW SOAP YOU BOUGHT?

IF I DIDN'T HAVE A ROAST
IN THE OVEN, YOU'D GET
THE PINE TAR AND LIKE IT.

[ Ringing ]

MOMMY, THE PHONE
IS RINGING.
I KNOW IT IS.

PICK IT UP, HONEY,
AND FIND OUT WHO IT IS.

HELLO? WHO IS THIS?

THIS IS DADDY.
HELLO, ANDY, HOW'S MY BIG--

IT WAS DADDY.
OH, WHAT DID HE SAY?

"HELLO, ANDY."
[ Phone Ringing ]

ANSWER THE PHONE
AND TELL DADDY THAT MOMMY'S
SHAMPOOING MAGGIE'S HAIR.

[ Ringing Continues ]

MOMMY'S SHAMPOOING
MAGGIE'S HAIR.

ASK DADDY WHAT HE WANTS.

DON'T HANG UP--
[ Receiver Clicks ]

OH, NO, ANDY.

I TOLD DADDY.

[ Phone Ringing ]
YOU DIDN'T HANG UP
ON HIM AGAIN?

OH, ANDREW. NOW, THIS TIME
ASK DADDY WHAT HE WANTS...

AND DON'T HANG UP
UNTIL DADDY TELLS YOU TO.

ANDY, BEFORE YOU HANG UP
AGAIN, TELL MOMMY
I WANT TO SPEAK WITH HER.

DADDY WANTS
TO SPEAK TO YA.

I TOLD YOU THAT I AM
SHAMPOOING MAGGIE'S HAIR.
ASK DADDY WHAT HE WANTS.

WOULD YOU DO THAT, PLEASE?

MOMMY'S SHAMPOOING MAGGIE'S
HAIR AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?

JUST TELL MOMMY NOT
TO PREPARE DINNER TONIGHT...

BECAUSE WE'VE
BEEN INVITED OUT.

TELL HER
I'LL BE HOME VERY SOON.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME, ANDY?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND DADDY?

DID YOU UNDERSTAND ME,
ANDY?

ANDY, DID YOU
HANG UP AGAIN?

ANDY, ARE YOU THERE?

- DADDY, CAN I HANG UP NOW?
- YES, YOU CAN HANG UP NOW.

ANDREW, COME IN A MINUTE.
WHAT DID DADDY SAY, HONEY?

HE SAID THAT HE'S
COMING HOME SOON.

IS THAT ALL HE SAID?

HE ALSO SAID, "ANDY,
DID YOU HANG UP AGAIN?"

YOU DID VERY WELL,
SWEETHEART.
YOU REALLY DID.

DOES THE HAPPY SOAP
SMELL BETTER THAN
THE "OOKY" SOAP?

IT DOES, MOMMY.
IT SMELLS JUST LIKE
MY PIANO TEACHER.

NOW I SMELL JUST LIKE HER.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S BETTER
THAN SMELLING LIKE
A SCHOOLYARD ANY DAY.

MOMMY, CAN I HAVE
A BATH AND SHAMPOO?

WHAT? YOU'RE NOT DUE
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT. HUH!

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T MIND
MY LEAVING NOW, MRS. BOYER?

I COULD SERVE
AND LEAVE LATER.
I WON'T HEAR OF IT.

THESE CHURCH SOCIALS
RARELY START ON TIME.
YOU GO RIGHT ON.

BESIDES, I HAVE
AN EXCELLENT HELPER.

HAVE YOU NOTICED?

BE CAREFUL NOW, HONEY.
DON'T DROP IT.

WELL, I GUESS
I'LL BE GOING.

I SHAN'T BE LATE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH,
MRS. BOYER.

ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
BYE-BYE.
BYE!

HI.
PERFECT TIMING.

BETWEEN MEDIUM AND
MEDIUM RARE. PRETTY?
BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT WAS IT TODAY?
A GIRL.

DIDN'T ANDY GIVE YOU
MY MESSAGE ABOUT OUR BEING
INVITED OUT TO DINNER?

OH, NO.
WHO INVITED US OUT TO DINNER?

MRS. FRALEIGH,
ONE OF MY PATIENTS.
I TOLD ANDY TO TELL YOU.

WELL, HE DIDN'T.
THAT'S MY BOY.

WELL, YOU STILL
GOT TIME TO DRESS.

I'VE JUST ROASTED
A $6.34 STANDING RIB ROAST.

I'LL EAT IT
FOR BREAKFAST.

HEY, SWEETHEART.
WHAT?

DID YOU KNOW
I'M A GREAT DOCTOR?

I'VE ALWAYS SUSPECTED IT.
HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?

I HELPED A LADY
BECOME PREGNANT.

YOU DID WHAT?
SHE'S BEEN TRYING
FOR 20 YEARS.

OH. OH, REALLY?

UM, WHAT DID YOU DO?

I GAVE HER
A PIECE OF ADVICE.

I TOLD HER AND
HER HUSBAND TO STOP
TRYING TO HAVE A BABY.

YOU MEAN STOPPING DID IT?

NO, RELAXING DID IT.

WE GOT A DATE?
MMM.

WHAT ABOUT
THE CHILDREN?
LET 'EM GET THEIR OWN DATES.

BUT I GAVE OLIVIA
THE NIGHT OFF.
GET A SITTER.

TO HIRE A SITTER
AT A DOLLAR AN HOUR WHEN
WE'RE PAYING A HOUSEKEEPER,

I JUST THINK IT'S A SIN.

BEV, EVEN THE BEST OF US
SIN ONCE IN A WHILE.

TONIGHT'S YOUR NIGHT.

NOW, STOP IT.

NOW, COME ON NOW.
TELL ME ABOUT MRS. FRALEIGH.

DID YOU REALLY TELL HER
TO STOP TRYING TO HAVE A BABY?

I TOLD HER
MORE THAN THAT.

I ALSO TOLD HER TO TAKE
A THREE-MONTH OCEAN CRUISE
WITH HER HUSBAND.

THAT DID IT, HUH?

THAT TOOK THE PRESSURE OFF
PSYCHOLOGICALLY.
MMM.

HOW DID YOU KNOW
IT WOULD WORK?
I DIDN'T.

BUT I KNEW I HAD THREE
THINGS WORKING FOR ME.

THEY WERE CAPABLE;
THEY LOVED EACH OTHER;

AND THERE IS VERY LITTLE
TO DO ON A THREE-MONTH
OCEAN CRUISE.

OH, YOU ARE A GREAT DOCTOR.

CHAUFFEUR'S LOOKING.
OH, HE DOESN'T MIND.

EXCUSE ME. YOU DON'T MIND
IF WE KISS IN THE BACKSEAT,
DO YA?

NOT IF IT
PLEASES YOU, SIR.

[ Doorbell Ringing ]

GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING.

[ Butler ]
UH.

MAY I HAVE
YOUR NAME, PLEASE?

DR. AND MRS.
GERALD BOYER.

OH, YES, MR.
AND MRS. WINGATE.

WILL YOU FOLLOW ME,
PLEASE?

♪♪ [ Suspenseful Music ]

[ Door Thudding ]

MR. AND MRS....

SOMETHING.

♪♪ [ Music Continues ]

[ Whispering ]
I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME.

I'M SORRY WE'RE LATE.
WE HAD SITTER PROBLEMS.

I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE
THAT KIND OF PROBLEM.

SO GLAD TO MEET YOU,
MRS. BOYER. DOCTOR.
SHH!

SHH! DAMN!

[ Muttering ]

THANK YOU.
SHH! DAMN!

HE MEANS ME.

♪♪ [ Trumpets ]
HERE IT COMES!

[ Announcer On TV ]
BEFORE JOINING THE THIRD ACT
OFHAPPY PLAYHOUSE,

HERE IS A BRIEF WORD
FROM OUR HAPPY GIRL.

HI! I'M SPOT CHECKER.

I'VE JUST BEEN SIGNED
TO APPEAR IN A MOTION PICTURE.

OF COURSE,
IT'S JUST A SMALL PART.

BUT ALL THE GLAMOROUS
MOVIE STARS STARTED OUT
BY PLAYING SMALL PARTS.

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS
A GIRL MUST LEARN...

BEFORE SHE CAN BECOME
A GLAMOROUS MOVIE STAR.

FIRST OF ALL, SHE HAS
TO LEARN WHAT CLOTHES TO WEAR...

AND WHAT HAIRSTYLE,
OH, AND HOW TO ACT.

A FAMOUS STAR ONCE SAID TO ME,
"SPOT," SHE SAID,

"IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU LOOK
LIKE A STAR OR ACT LIKE A STAR.

YOU MUST SMELL LIKE A STAR."

SO IT WAS THERE AND THEN
THAT I LEARNED ABOUT...

"HAPPY SOAP,"
THE HEAVENLY SOAP.

IT SMELLS LIKE STARS.

[ Spot Clearing Throat ]

WON'T YOU JOIN ME...

[ Water Rippling ]

AND FIND TRUE HAPPINESS
IN YOUR BATH?

JUST YOU
AND A CAKE OF HAPPY.

[ Giggles ]

COULDN'T SELL ME
A CAKE OF THAT SOAP.

THAT SOAP SAVED
MY LIFE TODAY.
WHO SAID THAT?

PUT THE DARN LIGHTS ON!

NOW WHO SAID THAT?
WELL, I GUESS I DID.

WHO ARE YOU?
SHE'S WITH ME, SIR.

FATHER, THIS IS
DR. BOYER AND HIS WIFE.

DR. BOYER'S
MY OBSTETRICIAN.

OH, YEAH!
NICE GOIN', DOC.

NOW, YOUNG LADY,
WHAT THE DEVIL DID YOU MEAN,

"THAT SOAP SAVED
MY LIFE TODAY"?

IT WAS JUST A FIGURE
OF SPEECH, MR. FRALEIGH.

HOW IN TARNATION CAN
A SOAP SAVE YOUR LIFE?

MAYBE I PUT IT TOO STRONGLY, BUT
IF IT WEREN'T FOR HAPPY SOAP,

I'D STILL BE IN
A HASSLE WITH MY DAUGHTER.

- HOW'S THAT?
- YOU REALLY WANT TO HEAR THIS?

YEAH. GO ON!

WELL, UM, FOR YEARS,
I'VE BEEN SHAMPOOING...

MY DAUGHTER MAGGIE'S HAIR
WITH A PINE TAR SHAMPOO.

HUH?
WITH A PINE TAR SHAMPOO.

TODAY SHE REFUSED TO LET ME.
WHY?

BECAUSE SHE SAID
THE SHAMPOO SMELLED LIKE
THE CRACKS IN THE SCHOOLYARD.

SMELLED LIKE WHAT?
SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
GO ON, GO ON!

WELL, SHE JUST REFUSED
TO LET ME WASH HER HAIR.

HEAVEN KNOWS SHE NEEDED IT,
BECAUSE HER BROTHER ANDREW HIT
HER IN THE HEAD WITH A MUD BALL.

- HA!
- WHY, THAT LITTLE SON OF A GUN.

BECAUSE SHE HIT HIM
WITH ONE FIRST
RIGHT IN THE MOUTH.

HA, HA! MUD BALL,
RIGHT IN THE MOUTH. GO ON!

OH, WELL, SHE, UH, UH, FINALLY
AGREED TO LET ME WASH HER HAIR.

BUT ONLY IF I WOULD USE
HAPPY SOAP.

SO I DID,
AND SHE JUST LOVED IT.

SHE SAID THAT IT MADE HER
SMELL LIKE HER PIANO TEACHER.

HEAR THAT?

THEN HER BROTHER ANDREW
INSISTED THAT I WASH
HIS HAIR WITH HAPPY SOAP.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

MUD BALLS IN THE MOUTH!
LITTLE KIDS THAT LIKE TO SMELL
LIKE THEIR PIANO TEACHER.

NOW, DAD, YOU SHOULDN'T
BE GETTING EXCITED.

SHOULDN'T BE
GETTING EXCITED?

THAT'S THE DAMN TROUBLE
WITH YOU YOUNG'UNS.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN
TO GET EXCITED.

YOU SHOULD BE SHOUTIN'
INSTEAD OF ME.

I SHOULD?
DARN RIGHT.

SUPPOSED TO BE IN ADVERTISING.
DON'T EVEN KNOW WHEN TO SHOUT.

FATHER, PLEASE,
WE HAVE GUESTS.

IF I DON'T SET THE STICKS
OF DYNAMITE, NO HOLES GET DUG.

YOUNG LADY, HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE TO GO ON THE TV AND
SAY WHAT YOU JUST SAID TO ME?

UH, WHAT?

- ON TELEVISION.
- WHY?

WHY? BECAUSE
I MANUFACTURE HAPPY SOAP,
AND I THINK YOU CAN SELL IT.

BUT, SIR, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH SPOT CHECKER?

WE'VE WORKED SO CLOSELY
WITH HER.
I KNOW HOW CLOSELY YOU WORK.

I THOUGHT SPOT INVITING PEOPLE
TO JOIN HER IN HER BATH
WAS VERY EFFECTIVE.

MAYBE THEY'RE BATHING WITH HER,
BUT THEY SURE AS HECK AREN'T
USING HAPPY SOAP.

I LIKE YOU.
HAVE A NUT.

WHAT YOU SAID IS WHAT
I LIKE TO HEAR ON THE TV.

NEVER DID LIKE THEM
SKINNY STARLINGS.
"LETS," DAD.

LET'S WHAT?
STARLETS,
NOT STARLINGS.

- OH, SHUT UP!
- FATHER, MUST YOU?

YEP. ONLY WAY
TO SHUT HIM UP.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

NEXT FRIDAY
ON THE HAPPY PLAYHOUSE?

OH, MR. FRALEIGH, REALLY.
I'M VERY FLATTERED.

BUT, UM, OH, I COULDN'T.

- WHY NOT?
- I'M NOT AN ACTRESS.
I'M A HOUSEWIFE.

MR. FRALEIGH, I KNOW MY WIFE.
WHEN SHE SAYS NO--

ALL I'M ASKING YOU
TO DO IS TO SAY
THE EXACT THING YOU SAID TO ME.

ONLY DIFFERENCE IS
YOU'LL BE SAYING IT TO A CAMERA,

AND THEY'LL BE PAYING YOU
$332 TO SAY IT.

MR. FRALEIGH,
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

I KNOW BEVERLY.
GERALD, UM,

IF IT MEANS THAT MUCH,
UH, TO MR. FRALEIGH,

UM, MAYBE I COULD
GO ON TELEVISION.

- BEVERLY!
- NEXT FRIDAY, IT'S A DEAL!
NOW LET'S EAT.

BRING ON THE GRUB!

HELLO. MY NAME
IS BEVERLY BOYER.

I'D LIKE TO TELL
ALL OF YOU LOVELY PEOPLE...

ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED
AT MY HOME THE OTHER AFTERNOON.

TSK. OH, DEAR.

NOW, MAGGIE, WHY AREN'T
WE EATING OUR PORRIDGE?

IT HAS TOO
MANY LUMPS.
WELL, WE'LL FIX THAT.

CAN I HAVE MAGGIE'S LUMPS?

NOW, REALLY,
YOU DON'T WANT THEM.
YES, HE DOES!

I ROLL 'EM IN SUGAR
AND THEY TASTE LIKE CANDY.

GOOD MORNING, GROUP.
GOOD MORNING, DOCTOR.

GOOD MORNING,
DADDY.
HI, DADDY.

NO BREAKFAST FOR ME
TODAY, OLIVIA.

WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?
TO THE HOSPITAL.

YOU GONNA
DELIVER A BABY?
MM-HMM.

- CAN YOU BRING IT HOME?
- 'COURSE HE CAN'T.
IT'S NOT HIS BABY.

DADDY'S ONLY THE DELIVERYMAN,
LIKE THE MILKMAN.

BUT DADDY BROUGHT
YOU AND ME HOME.

THAT'S BECAUSE MOMMY
HELPED WITH THOSE DELIVERIES.

IF SHE HELPS AGAIN,
WILL YOU BRING IT HOME?

OKAY, I WILL.
OH, YOU PROMISE, DADDY?

I PROMISE.

SO LONG, TIGER.
SWEETIE. MM-MMM.

BYE, DADDY.
BYE, DADDY.

DRINK UP YOUR MILK.
YOU WANT TO SAY TA-TA TO MOMMY.

WE'LL BE TARDY FOR SCHOOL.
COME ON.

HI THERE.

MY NAME IS BEVERLY BOYER,
AND I'M A HOUSEWIFE.

I'D LIKE TO TELL ALL OF YOU

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AT MY HOUSE
JUST THE OTHER NIGHT.

HI!

OH. HELLO.

HI, FOLKS.

MY NAME IS BEVERLY BOYER,
AND I'M A HOUSEWIFE.

MOMMY, WHY ARE YOU
TALKING TO YOUR MIRROR?

- OH!
- MOMMY, WHY ARE YOU
TALKING TO YOUR MIRROR?

OH, HONEY, MOTHER'S NOT
TALKING TO THE MIRROR.
SHE'S PRACTICING.

TO SAY YOUR NAME?
NO, SILLY.
I KNOW MY NAME.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT? WHAT?

MOMMY'S GONNA BE
ON TELEVISION.

ON TELEVISION?
YEAH!

CAN WE WATCH YA?
CAN WE WATCH YA?
YES, YOU CAN.

WAIT. IT MIGHT BE
A BIT LATE FOR YOU,
SO WE HAVE TO ASK DADDY.

YEA!
MOMMY'S GONNA
BE ON TELEVISION.

ISN'T THAT NICE?
[ Car Horn Honking ]

HOW ABOUT THAT?
OH, THERE'S YOUR RIDE.
KISS MOMMY GOOD-BYE.

MOMMY'S GONNA BE
A BIG TELEVISION STAR.

I LOVE YOU. GOOD-BYE.

[ Maggie ]
GOOD-BYE, MOMMY.

HELLO, I'M BEVERLY BOYER,

AND I'M GONNA BE
A BIG TELEVISION STAR.

OHHH.

[ Man ]
SO, NONE OF YOU
KNOWS ANYTHING.

WHEN'S MOMMY COMIN' ON?
SHH. SOON, ANDY.

[ Man ]
AND YOU KNOW OF NO,
UH, ALLIED FORCES...

IN THE AREA?
NO.

IS THAT MOMMY?
NO, MOMMY
DOESN'T HAVE BLACK HAIR.

YOU ARE A VERY
OBSTINATE, PROUD PEOPLE.

BUT WE HAVE WAYS
TO MAKE YOU REMEMBER.

YOU ARE COMPLETELY
INNOCENT, AREN'T YOU?

KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
[ Soldier ]
OOP!

VERY WELL. WE HAVE
WAYS OF MAKING YOU...

REMEMBER THESE LITTLE,
UNIMPORTANT DETAILS.

WAYS YOU WILL NOT FORGET.

ALL RIGHT, GUARD,
TAKE THEM AWAY.

AH, THE YOUNG GIRL,
LET HER STAY.

MAYBE, MADEMOISELLE,
YOU WOULD CARE FOR
A GLASS OF WINE?

IT IS AN EXCELLENT WINE.

PERHAPS I WILL
TAKE THE WINE.

AH, THAT IS BETTER.

AH, YES, FRAULEIN,
YOU WILL LEARN,

AS, UH, YOUR PEOPLE
WILL HAVE TO,

THAT IF THEY WANT TO, UH,
FILL THEIR STOMACHS AGAIN,

THEY WILL HAVE TO SWALLOW
A LITTLE PRIDE...

ALONG WITH THE FOOD.

YOU!

GUARDS!

YOU-- YOU PIG!

AND WHAT ARE YOU
IF I AM A PIG?

[ Whispering ]
YOU'RE ON.

OH, HELLO, I'M BEVERLY BOYER,
AND I'M A PIG.

- A PIG?
- PIG?
- PIG?

- PIG!
- WHAT DID MOMMY SAY?
- SHE SAID SHE WAS A PIG.

[ Man ]
MOVE OVER, MOVE OVER.
[ Stage Crew Snickering ]

[ Snickering Continues ]

MAY I START AGAIN, PLEASE?
GO AHEAD.

UM, HELLO, UM,
MY NAME IS BEVERLY BOYER.

AND I'M A HOUSEWIFE.
[ Snickering Continues ]

QUIET, QUIET.
WHAT I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU
IS, UM, ABOUT HOW...

HAPPY SOAP SAVED MY LIFE.

UM, LAST WEEK I WAS
IN SUCH A HASSLE WITH
MY DAUGHTER MAGGIE.

UH, UM, SHE WOULDN'T LET ME
WASH HER HAIR WITH
OUR REGULAR SHAMPOO.

AND, UM, SHE SAID
THAT IT, UM, UM,

IT SMELLED LIKE THE CRACKS
IN THE SCHOOLYARD.

[ Stage Crew Laughing ]
[ Man ]
SHH! SHH!

YOU KNOW HOW CHILDREN CAN GET.
AND, UM, ANYWAY,

THAT AFTERNOON I PURCHASED
SEVERAL BARS OF HAPPY SOAP.

[ Whispering ]
PICK UP THE BAR.

[ Whispering ]
THE OTHER BAR.
[ Laughing Continues ]

- AND, UM--
- TURN IT AROUND.

[ Snickering, Laughing
Continue ]

UM, UH--

UH, UM--
AND SHE INSISTED...

THAT I WASH HER HAIR
WITH THE NEW SOAP.

IT'S NOT NEW.
OH, NO, HAPPY SOAP
IS NOT A NEW SOAP.

IT'S AN OLD SOAP.
[ Laughing Continues ]

I JUST HAD NEVER
USED IT BEFORE.

- YOU HAVE USED IT.
- I HAVEN'T.

I REALLY HAVE NOT
USED THIS SOAP BEFORE.

ANYWAY, WHAT I WANT
TO TELL YOU IS...

THAT I DID USE IT
TO SHAMPOO HER HAIR.

AND SHE LOVED IT.
[ Snickering ]
QUIET.

AND SHE SAID TO ME,
"OH, MOMMY, NOW I SMELL
LIKE MY PIANO TEACHER."

[ Laughing Increases ]

SHE DID.
[ Snickering Continues ]

AND ALL I WANT TO SAY IS
THAT THE SOAP WORKED JUST FINE.

AND IT GOT RID OF ALL
THE TRACES OF THE MUD BALLS.

MUD BALL?
YEAH! MUD BALLS!

CUT! CUT!

[ Laughing Continues ]

BYE.
SMILE.

[ Laughing Continues ]
KEEP SMILING.

KEEP SMILING.
TAKE IT OFF HER. SHE'S NOT
GONNA SAY ANYTHING ELSE.

THAT'LL BE FOUR
AND A QUARTER, LADY.

KEEP THE CHANGE.
OH, THANKS.

LISTEN, LADY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HE DID TO YA,

BUT LIKE I ALWAYS SAY:
"TO ERR IS HUMAN,
AND TO FORGIVE IS HUMANER."

[ Sobbing ]

THAT A WAY, LADY.
FORGIVE AND FORGET.

IF YOU'LL FORGIVE,
I'LL TRY TO FORGET.

WAS IT REALLY THAT BAD,
SWEETHEART?

IF ANYBODY ASKS ME
TO GO ON TELEVISION AGAIN,
I HOPE YOU'LL--

I WILL.
I'LL BEAT 'EM OFF
WITH MY STETHOSCOPE.

[ Sobbing ]

YEAH, YOU HEARD ME.
I SAID I WANT THAT GIRL.

BUT, DAD, WE ALREADY
HAVE A COMMITMENT
WITH SPOT CHECKER.

THIRTY-FOUR MORE BATHS
AT $1,500 A BATH.

TELL HER SHE'S WASHED UP.

DAD, I THINK YOU'RE BEING
A LITTLE PREMATURE.

YOU DO, HUH?

- DON'T YOU READ THE PAPERS?
- [ Nut Shells Scattering ]

"LAST NIGHT ON HAPPY PLAYHOUSE
THE ONLY MOMENT OF
ORIGINALITY...

"WAS PRODUCED BY A DISARMING
YOUNG LADY WHO DELIVERED
THE COMMERCIAL.

"IT'S A SAD DAY
FOR TELEVISION...

WHEN THE SPONSOR'S MESSAGE
HAS MORE VALUE THAN THE PLAY."

GET HER! BEVERLY
IS MY NEW HAPPY GIRL!

[ Doorbell Ringing ]

HI, DADDY!
OH, YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY.

YOU'RE A WISE CHILD.
IS YOUR MOTHER HOME?
[ Beverly ] WHO IS IT, ANDREW?

IT'S NOT DADDY.
IT'S A MAN.

TAKE ME TO YOUR MOTHER.

WELL, WHO IS IT?

IT'S MIKE PALMER.

OH. I'M SORRY, MR. PALMER,
BUT I'M VERY BUSY.

MRS. BOYER, WOULD YOU
CONSIDER BECOMING...

THE TELEVISION SPOKESWOMAN
FOR HAPPY SOAP?

I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A BIT FUNNY.

I'M SERIOUS.
THEY WANT YOU
TO SELL HAPPY SOAP.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I WAS TERRIBLE.

I STAMMERED ALL OVER THE PLACE.
I LOOKED LIKE AN IDIOT.
YES, I THOUGHT SO.

BUT OLD TOM WAS ENCHANTED
WITH YOUR STAMMERING.

DO YOU MEAN--
DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU'RE
ACTUALLY OFFERING ME A JOB?

NOT ME.
THE OLD MAN.

WELL, I'M NOT INTERESTED.
I WILL NEVER GO ON TELEVISION
AGAIN EVER.

I AM DEFINITELY NOT INTERESTED.
IF YOU HEARD THE AMOUNT,
YOU MIGHT BE.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME VERY WELL.
MAY I, PLEASE?
THANK YOU.

IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I REALLY HAVE
A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

DO YOU, UH-- YOU BOTTLE
YOUR OWN KETCHUP?

YES, YES, I DO.

OH, HERE, ALLOW ME.

THERE WE GO.
WHERE DO YOU WANT IT?
HERE, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD-BYE, MR. PALMER.

[ Clears Throat ]

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYBODY
MAKE KETCHUP BEFORE.
IT'S A FASCINATING--

MR. PALMER, I TOLD YOU BEFORE.
I AM NOT GOING ON TELEVISION.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN
SO EMBARRASSED IN MY LIFE.

I MADE A FOOL OF MYSELF.

THERE WERE
ABOUT 1,200 PEOPLE
WHO DIDN'T THINK SO.

WHAT 1,200 PEOPLE?
THE 1,200 PEOPLE
WHO CALLED AFTER THE SHOW...

AND SAID YOU WERE THE MOST
REFRESHING, SINCERE PERSON
WHO EVER SOLD A BAR OF SOAP.

OH, THEY WERE LAUGHING AT ME
IN THE STUDIO.

FOR JUST A FEW SECONDS.
YOU WERE FUNNY.

BUT LOOK, WHEN YOU GOT
DOWN TO SELLING SOAP,
YOU SURE SOLD SOAP.

NOPE. THERE IS NOTHING
YOU CAN SAY THAT WILL
MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND.

SO YOU CAN JUST TAKE YOUR $332
AND, AND PLEASE LEAVE.

I'M LEAVING.

BUT, UH,
WITH MORE THAN $332.

- I DON'T CARE IF IT'S 500!
- IT'S MORE THAN TWICE THAT.

A THOUSAND DOLLARS?

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

NOT AS RIDICULOUS
AS $1,500... A WEEK.

$1,500 A WEEK?

FOR 52 WEEKS.

FIFT--

HOW MUCH IS
52 TIMES 1,500?

ABOUT 80,000.

OH!
[ Screams ]

- [ Screams ]
- MRS. BOYER!

MRS. BOYER!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

HEY, HOW'S
MY FAVORITE SON?

MOMMY'S IN THE CELLAR
WITH A MAN.

OH? ANYONE WE KNOW?

NO, DADDY.
WE DON'T KNOW HIM.

DID YOU SAY 80,000--
$80,000?

YES, YES, $80,000.
HERE. LET ME HELP YOU UP.

WHAT YA DOIN', FOLKS?
WHAT?

MAKING KETCHUP, DEAR.

YOU KNOW--
YOU KNOW MIKE PALMER.

YES, I REMEMBER
MR. PALMER.
HE WAS JUST TELLING ME--

ALLOW ME.
OH. RIGHT.

VERY GALLANT, SIR.
COME ALL THE WAY
FROM THE CITY...

JUST TO HELP A LADY OUT
OF A BASKET OF TOMATOES.

YOU DID
TELL HIM NO?

NO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

MOMMY, YOU'VE GOT TOMATOES
ALL OVER YA.
YES, DARLING, I KNOW.

I ASSUME HE OFFERED YOU A JOB.
I READ THE REVIEWS.

ANDY, PLEASE,
DON'T DO THAT.

I WAS WIPIN'
THE TOMATOES OFF.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

GO OUT AND PLAY, PLEASE.

CAN I PLAY
WITH THE TOMATOES?
NO.

I LIKE TO
SQUOOSH AROUND.
WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP?

DO AS YOU'RE TOLD.
DARLING?

WELL, UM,
ACTUALLY, UM,

MR. PALMER
DID OFFER ME A JOB.

HE DID.

BUT I TURNED HIM DOWN FLAT,
MANY TIMES.

EVEN ASKED ME TO LEAVE.
I DID.

GO ON.

AND, UM,

BUT I JUST COULDN'T
SAY NO TO $80,000!

EIGHTY THOUSAND?
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
YES!

THAT'S JUST WHAT I SAID.

I'M SURE YOU TWO WOULD BE
MOST COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY...

DISCUSSING MY RIDICULOUS
OFFER IN PRIVATE.

I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.
BYE NOW.

[ Footfalls Departing ]

BEVERLY?
HUH?

BEVERLY, WHAT
ARE YOU THINKING?

I'M THINKING
OF TAKING A SHOWER.
BEVERLY!

YOU'LL BE LEAVING
THE CHILDREN
ALONE TOO OFTEN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE GOING
TO PAY YOU $80,000...

JUST TO COME DOWN
TO THE STUDIO ONCE A WEEK.

WHY IS DADDY
YELLING AT MOMMY?

BECAUSE MOMMY WANTS
TO BE A TV STAR, AND DADDY
DOESN'T WANT HER TO BE.

OH, THAT'S MEAN.

IT'S NOT AS IF
WE NEED THE MONEY.

OUR BANK BALANCE IS HEALTHY.
THERE'S NO REASON
FOR YOU TO WORK.

DR. BOYER, YOU ARE A FRAUD.

OH!
HOW DID YOU ARRIVE
AT THAT?

OH, I'VE GOT YOU NOW, DEAR.
RIGHT HERE, AND I QUOTE:

"IN SOME CASES, HOUSEHOLD
DUTIES, IMPORTANT AS THEY ARE,

"ARE NOT SUFFICIENT
TO GRATIFY A WOMAN'S
DESIRE FOR EXPRESSION.

"MRS. AMERICA MIGHT DO WELL TO
START EARLY IN HER MARRIAGE...

A PLANNED CULTIVATION OF OUTSIDE
INTERESTS AND HOBBIES."

RIDICULOUS!
AH, YOU WROTE IT, DARLING.

I KNOW I DID,
BUT IT DOESN'T PERTAIN TO YOU.

OH, IT DOESN'T?
CERTAINLY NOT.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE
PLANNING FOR OUR KIDS
TO REMAIN YOUNG FOREVER.

OF COURSE I'M NOT.

DADDY'S NOT PLANNING
FOR US TO REMAIN YOUNG.

CAN HE DO THAT?

YOU HAVE OUTSIDE
INTERESTS AND HOBBIES.

YOU HAVE THE P.T.A. AND
YOU MAKE YOUR OWN KETCHUP.

THE P.T.A. AND
HOME-BOTTLED KETCHUP?

THAT IS IT.
AND IT'S NOT VERY FULFILLING.

I DIDN'T REALIZE YOUR
LIFE LACKED FULFILLMENT.

YOU'VE ALWAYS SHOUTED HOW
BEING A DOCTOR'S WIFE
WAS CAREER ENOUGH.

IT IS. I DIDN'T MEAN
TO SOUND AS IF I'M UNHAPPY.

I'M VERY HAPPY,
AND YOU KNOW THAT.

BUT--
BUT SELLING HAPPY SOAP
WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPIER.

YOU KNOW I WOULD NEVER
CONSCIOUSLY GO OUT LOOKING
FOR A JOB, DON'T YOU?

BUT TO HAVE SOMETHING
LIKE THIS JUST LAND IN MY LAP.

HONEY. HONEY.
IT'S ONLY ONCE A WEEK.

AND I WON'T LET ANYTHING
INTERFERE WITH MY WIFELY DUTIES.
I PROMISE.

SHOT DOWN BY
MY OWN ARTILLERY.

THE PROGRAM IS OVER AT 9:00,
SO I SHOULD BE HOME
BY 10:30, OLIVIA.

ANDREW HASN'T
HAD HIS VITAMIN PILLS,
SO SEE THAT HE GETS THOSE.

MAGGIE WANTS
TO WEAR HER FLOWERED PANTIES
TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.

YOU'LL HAVE TO HAND WASH THEM,
IF YOU DON'T MIND.
I WILL.

IF DR. BOYER COMES HOME BEFORE
I DO, TELL HIM THERE'S A NOTE
IN THE KITCHEN ON THE BOARD.

THE CHILDREN WANT TO WATCH ME
ON TELEVISION TONIGHT.

I SAID, "ABSOLUTELY NOT,
BECAUSE IT'S TOO LATE."

SO IF THEY
GIVE YOU AN ARGUMENT,
LET 'EM WATCH.

CHILDREN!
MOMMY'S LEAVING!

HURRY UP! I'M LATE.
I WANT A KISS.

BYE, MOMMY!
BYE, MOMMY!

OH! WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN DOING?

I THOUGHT THEY WERE
WATCHING TELEVISION.
OH!

I'M MAKING ANDY'S HAIR
SMELL HAPPY AGAIN,
LIKE MY PIANO TEACHER.

THE HAPPY SMELL
WORE OFF.

SOMETHING ELSE IS GOING
TO WEAR OFF IF YOU DON'T
GET UP IN THAT BATHROOM.

I'M SO LATE.
I'LL TAKE CARE
OF THE LITTLE DEVILS.

MAKE SURE THEY DON'T
DROWN EACH OTHER.

GOOD-BYE!
GOOD-BYE, ALL! SEE YA!

WHAT DID HE SAY?
"THE HAPPY SMELL WORE OFF."
[ Giggles ]

"MOMMY, THE HAPPY SMELL
WORE OFF."

THOSE WERE HIS EXACT WORDS.

AND, UM, WELL,
THERE HE WAS,

STANDING IN THE HALLWAY
WITH A HEAD FULL OF SHAMPOO...

DRIPPING ALL OVER
MY NICE BLUE RUG.

IS HE GONNA GET IT
WHEN I GET HOME.

MAGGIE SAID SHE WAS
MAKING HIS HAIR SMELL HAPPY.

I-I KNOW IT SOUNDS SILLY,
OF COURSE,

BUT I ALWAYS SAY, "DON'T
KNOCK IT 'TIL YOU TRY IT."

AND, UM, TONIGHT,
I'M GOING TO GO HOME...

AND SHAMPOO
MY HAIR WITH HAPPY SOAP,
AND I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

OH! OH, UM,
I MEANT TO TELL YOU:

DON'T FORGET YOU CAN
SHOWER WITH IT.

AND WE KNOW
IT'S GOOD FOR THAT.

BYE.

[ Announcer ]
WE WILL RETURN TO THE
THIRD ACT OF HAPPY PLAYHOUSE--

GENTLEMEN,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WOULD YOU HIRE HER
TO SELL SOAP?

IT'S DIFFICULT TO MAKE
A SNAP APPRAISAL UNTIL
WE TEST-MARKET HER POTENTIAL.

I'D HAVE TO GO ALONG
WITH BILLINGS ON THAT.

I'D RATHER NOT COMMENT
UNTIL EXPLORATORY SAMPLINGS
CAN BE MADE.

I ADVISED AGAINST IT,
BUT THEY HIRED HER ANYWAY.

YOU MEAN SHE'S
ALREADY BEEN HIRED?

ONE YEAR, SOLID.
BUT WHY?

MY DAD ORDERED IT.

OH. WELL, UH,
NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

I'M INCLINED TO GO
ALONG WITH YOUR DAD.

SHE HAS A NEW AND HONEST
APPROACH TO THE PRODUCT.

YES, I'M TEMPTED
TO GO ALONG WITH BILLINGS
GOING ALONG WITH YOUR DAD.

SHE DOES HAVE A--
NEW AND HONEST APPROACH?

I'LL GO ALONG WITH THAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK,
VAN CAMP?
OH, I QUITE AGREE.

WITH WHAT?
WITH EVERYTHING.

GOOD THINKING.

[ Knocking ]
COME IN.

[ Announcer On TV ]
AND NOW WE RETURN--

OH! MRS. BOYER.
WE WERE JUST TALKING
ABOUT YOU.

OH, MIKE, WAS I ALL RIGHT?
YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

I WAS SO NERVOUS.
I WISH YOU'D WRITE
THINGS OUT FOR ME.

MRS. BOYER.
HELLO, MR. FRALEIGH.

MR. BILLINGS, MR. STOKELY,
MR. VAN CAMP.
HOW DO YOU DO, GENTLEMEN?

[ Together ]
HOW DO YOU DO?

YOU WERE JUST FINE.
THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT DAD WANTS.

OH, GOOD.
I HOPE I PLEASED HIM.
YOU WERE DELIGHTFUL.

WE'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT
AT THE PARTY TONIGHT.
WHAT PARTY?

IT'S AT THE CARTIER HOTEL.
I WANT ALL MY STAFF AND
NETWORK PEOPLE TO MEET YOU.

OH, I DIDN'T KNOW
ABOUT A PARTY.

OH.
NO. AND...

MY HUSBAND'S
EXPECTING ME AT HOME.

HE WOULD BE PERFECTLY
WELCOME TO JOIN US.

AFTER ALL, YOU ARE
OUR GUEST OF HONOR.

[ Mike ]
WHY, CERTAINLY.
OH! REALLY?

THAT'S VERY NICE.

UM, UH, MAYBE I COULD CALL HIM
AT THE HOSPITAL...

AND HE COULD MEET ME AT
THE PARTY WHEN HE'S FINISHED.

FINE, FINE, FINE.

OH, I'LL DO THAT.
GOOD.

I HATE TO BE A KILLJOY,
BUT SHOULDN'T WE WATCH THE ART
WE'RE SPONSORING THIS WEEK?

OH, GOOD HEAVENS.
THIRD ACT, THIRD ACT.

MIKE, MAY I
PHONE FROM HERE?
YEAH, SURE. RIGHT HERE.

OH, HELLO, IS
DR. BOYER THERE, PLEASE?

OH, YES, I'LL WAIT.

LORRAINE, WHAT A SURPRISE.
YOU WILL JOIN ME IN A GLASS
OF CHAMPAGNE, WON'T YOU?

WAITER, ANOTHER GLASS,
PLEASE. WELL.

WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
I MUST SAY YOU'RE LOOKING
MARVELOUSLY WELL, MY DEAR.

IN HONOR OF THIS OCCASION,
I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST.

TO YOU, LORRAINE.
THANK HEAVENS
I DIDN'T MARRY YOU.

TELL ME, DO YOU STILL HAVE
THOSE MAGNIFICENT,

SOFT, WHITE SHOULDERS?

WHOM DO YOU TANTALIZE
WITH THEM NOW?

YOU-- YOU TRAMP!

WAITER! YOU TRAMP!

HEY, ISN'T THAT SCENE
LIKE THE ONE LAST WEEK...

WITH THE NAZI AND
THAT WOMAN, YOU KNOW?

SIMILAR,
BUT THE PUBLIC DOESN'T
NOTICE THINGS LIKE THAT.

THEY DID THAT PLAY
LAST WEEK EXCEPT
THEY WORE DIFFERENT COSTUMES.

YEAH, IT'S THE SAME STORY.

IT'S MUCH TOO SUBTLE
A VARIATION FOR
THE PUBLIC TO DETECT.

YES? OH, NO,
DON'T BOTHER HIM NOW.

BUT WOULD YOU PLEASE
GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?

HE'S TO MEET YOU
AT THE CARTIER HOTEL
IN THE PRIVATE DINING ROOM.

'TIL 1:00.
ALL RIGHT, MRS. BOYER.
I'LL SEE HE GETS THE MESSAGE.

[ Woman Over P.A. ]
DR. KRINDLE, YOU ARE
WANTED IN SURGERY ONE.

HELLO, UM, I'M TRYING...

TO GET IN TOUCH
WITH MRS. BEVERLY BOYER.

THERE AIN'T NOBODY HERE NOW.

BEVERLY? OH, THE ONE THAT
DID THE COMMERCIAL. CUTE GIRL.

SHE'S GONNA BE ON NEXT WEEK.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY AND
GIVE HER A RING THEN?

THANKS.
I'LL DO THAT.

♪♪ [ Orchestra ]
[ Crowd Chattering ]

THANK YOU.
EXCUSE ME.

OH, BEVERLY, YOU
MUST BE SO PROUD
OF YOURSELF.

I'D BE ABSOLUTELY PETRIFIED
IF I HAD TO STAND
IN FRONT OF A CAMERA.

I WAS! I WAS
A NERVOUS WRECK.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
I WAS GOING TO SAY.
I JUST RATTLED ON.

YOUR RATTLING IS WHAT
MADE THAT COMMERCIAL.

IT'S SO REFRESHING
TO HEAR SOMEONE
SPEAK SO NATURALLY...

AND SO HONESTLY
ABOUT A PRODUCT.

THANK YOU. WE'RE PLEASED
YOU LIKE OUR NEW APPROACH.

YOUR NEW APPROACH?
IT'S BEEN ON OUR LAUNCHING PAD
FOR QUITE A WHILE.

JUST WAITED UNTIL WE FOUND
OUR LITTLE ASTRONAUT.

WE HAVEN'T
SEEN DR. BOYER.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

WHAT TIME IS IT, PLEASE?
AFTER 1:00.

IS IT?
OH, WELL, HE SHOULD
BE ALONG ANY MINUTE NOW.

"COLD FRIED CHICKEN
IN THE MEAT KEEPER.
WILL BE HOME ABOUT 10:30.

I LOVE YOU, BEV."

OLIVIA?

OLIVIA, ARE YOU AWAKE?

[ Whispering ]
OLIVIA? ARE YOU ASLEEP?

[ Whispering ]
OLIVIA?
[ Screaming ]

WHO ARE YOU?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
IT'S ME!

OH, DR. BOYER,
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS YOU.

DO YOU ALWAYS SLEEP
WITH A BAT?

YOU READ SUCH AWFUL THINGS
IN THE NEWSPAPERS.

A GIRL CAN'T BE
TOO CAREFUL.

WHAT WAS IT YOU WANTED?
DID MY WIFE CALL TONIGHT?

IT'S AFTER 1:00.
SHE'S NOT HOME YET.

YOU MEAN SHE ISN'T
IN THE HOUSE?
NO, SHE ISN'T.

YOU MEAN YOU AND I
ARE HERE ALONE?

NOW, CALM YOURSELF, OLIVIA.
I DIDN'T COME HERE
FOR ANY FOUL PURPOSE.

[ Screams ]
GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
GET OUT! GET OUT!

I HEREBY TENDER
MY RESIGNATION!
ACCEPTED.

- MOMMY! MOMMY!
I'M SCARED.
- [ Ringing ]

HELLO? ANDY.
MOMMY, I'M SCARED.

GERALD?
YES, AND WHERE
THE DEVIL ARE YOU?

MOMMY, I'M SCARED.
ANDY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

GERALD, WHAT IS GOING ON
AROUND THERE?

IS THAT ANDY CRYING?
YES.

WHAT WOKE HIM?
OLIVIA WAS SCREAMING.

OLIVIA? WHAT WAS SHE
SCREAMING ABOUT?

SHE THOUGHT I WANTED
TO GET INTO BED WITH HER.

SHE THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO--
[ Shouting ]
WHAT?

I'LL BE RIGHT HOME.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
WHAT HAPPENED?

[ Car Horn Honking ]
OLIVIA, YOUR TAXI'S HERE.

TAXI? OLIVIA?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M LEAVING.
I'LL NOT LINGER IN THIS DEN
OF INIQUITY ONE MOMENT LONGER.

BUT, OLIVIA,
YOU'RE SO HAPPY HERE,
AND YOU KNOW WE ALL LOVE YOU.

WELL, I DON'T NEED
THAT KIND OF LOVE.

OLIVIA?
GERALD BOYER, WILL YOU PLEASE
TELL ME WHAT WENT ON?

IF YOU'D BEEN HOME
WHERE YOU BELONGED,

WHATEVER WENT ON
WOULD NOT HAVE GONE ON.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
IT IS ALL RIGHT IF
I TAKE TIME OUT...

FROM MY HOUSEHOLD DUTIES
TO DELIVER A BABY?

[ Andy ]
MOMMY! MOMMY! I'M SCARED!
OH!

[ Man ]
LOOK INTO THE LENS.

WET YOUR LIPS.
NOW, LOVE THAT SOAP.

GOOD. GOOD.

[ Camera Clicks ]
GOT IT!

MIKE. MIKE?

KISSING A BAR OF SOAP
IS A BIT MUCH, REALLY.

THE CAPTION WILL READ:
"HAPPY SOAP SAVED MY LIFE."

YOU'D KISS SOMEONE
WHO SAVED YOUR LIFE,
WOULDN'T YOU?

JUST ONE MORE NOW, DARLING.

HOW MUCH LONGER
WILL I BE, PLEASE?
JUST ONCE MORE, DEAR.

I'VE GOT TO GET GOING, MIKE.
I'VE GOT A NEW MAID.

SHE'S GOING TO RUN
INTO DIFFICULTIES--
BEVERLY! PLEASE!

LET'S JUST GET
THIS LAST ONE.

GOOD. GOOD.
[ Camera Clicks ]

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

HELLO?
"VAT" IS IT?

- HELLO, THIS IS DR. BOYER.
- DR. BOYER NICHT HOME.
HE HOSPITAL.

NO, I'M DR. BOYER.
I'D LIKE TO SPEAK
TO MRS. BOYER.

MRS. BOYER,
PICTURE PARLOR.

[ Speaking German ]
DOCTOR NOT HOME!

HELLO? HELLO?

I GUESS I'M NOT HOME.
MISS THOMPSON.

YES, DOCTOR?

DO YOU SPEAK
ANY GERMAN?
A LITTLE
HIGH SCHOOL GERMAN.

PLEASE CALL MY HOME
AND TRY TO MAKE THE NEW
HOUSEKEEPER UNDERSTAND...

THAT I WILL BE HOME
FOR DINNER, BUT I'LL
BE A LITTLE LATE.

I'LL TRY, DOCTOR.

[ Phone Ringing ]

I'LL GET IT,
MRS. GOETHE.

HELLO?

HELLO. MY NAME IS
FRAULEIN THOMPSON.

ICH BIN EINE
KRANKENSCHWESTER.

UH, UH, UM--

OH, OH, UM--
EIN MOMENT, PLEASE--

UH, BITTE. BITTE.
UH, UH, MRS. GOETHE!

MRS. GOETHE,
IT'S FOR YOU!
[ German ]

HELLO?
"VAT" IS?

UH, ICH CALL
FOR DR. BOYER.

DOCTOR NOT HOME!
CALL-- [ German ] JA?

SHE SAYS YOU'RE NOT HOME.

SHE'S RIGHT.

OH! OH, DARLING.

I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TONIGHT.
YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME.

I DID, BUT EVERY TIME I CALLED,
I FOUND OUT I WASN'T HOME.

WHAT?
OH, NEVER MIND.

HI, DOC.
YOUR WIFE'S GONNA BE QUEEN OF
THE TEN-SECOND STATION BREAKS.

- I'M FILMING A COMMERCIAL.
- WHAT TIME WILL YOU BE HOME?

I'M SORT OF FREE TONIGHT.
NO BABIES DUE.

I SHOULDN'T BE TOO LONG,
SHOULD I?
NO.

IT'S ONLY A
TEN-SECOND COMMERCIAL.
KISS ME FOR GOOD LUCK, DARLING.

OH! GOOD-BYE,
DARLING.

GOOD NIGHT.
THANK YOU.
YOU TIRED?

NO, I'M FINE, MIKE,
EXCEPT THAT IT TOOK SO MUCH
LONGER THAN I THOUGHT.

WELL, YOU WERE
WONDERFUL.
WAS I?

YOU WERE, I TELL YA.
THANK YOU.

OH, DARLING.
I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE.

A TEN-SECOND
COMMERCIAL?

I'LL JUST DRIFT OFF.
GOOD NIGHT.
IT WAS WONDERFUL.

GOOD NIGHT, MIKE.
THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.

I DIDN'T DREAM
IT WAS GOING TO BE AS
COMPLICATED AS IT WAS.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW LONG EVERYTHING TOOK:
MAKEUP, COSTUMES, HAIR--

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
A BABY THAT WASN'T DUE
DECIDED IT WAS.

BETTER NOT WAIT UP
FOR ME.
IT WON'T ALWAYS BE THIS HECTIC.

I HOPE NOT.
GOOD NIGHT.

OH, HELLO,
HERR DOCTOR.
HELLO, MRS. GOETHE.

I DON'T IMAGINE
MRS. BOYER'S HOME.
JA, MISSUS HOME.

THAT'S A SURPRISE.
VAT YOU SAY?

I DIDN'T SEE HER CAR
IN THE DRIVEWAY.
HER CAR!

CAR IN BACK HOUSE.
IN THE GARAGE?

JA. MISSUS UPSTAIRS.
OH, SHE PRETTY.

ALL DRESSED UP.
[ Whistles ]
PRETTY?

IS THAT SO?
JA.

YOU WANT SOMETHING EAT?

PERHAPS... LATER.

OH! YOU PRETTY TOO!

[ Whistles, Giggles ]

OH! OH, GERALD!

OH, HONEY, ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT? OH, DARLING.

DARLING?
DARLING?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
OH. WE WERE TAKING
PICTURES, SWEETHEART.

WE WANTED TO DO THIS
AT THE STUDIO, BUT WE--

YES, THEY DID,
AND, UH, I THOUGHT...

IT WAS A GOOD IDEA
TO DO IT HERE.

MIKE, WOULD YOU
LEAVE US ALONE A MOMENT?

YEAH, YEAH, FELLOWS,
LET'S TAKE A BREAK.

SWEETHEART. OH!

OH!

SO THIS WAS YOUR IDEA?

DARLING,
I DID IT FOR YOU.
FOR ME?

YOU HAD ALL THIS
BROUGHT IN HERE FOR ME?
I MEANT US.

WE'VE SEEN EACH OTHER
SO LITTLE, I THOUGHT
INSTEAD OF GOING TO A STUDIO,

IF I WERE TO DO
THE LAYOUT HERE--

OH, WE'D GET A CHANCE
TO SEE EACH OTHER.
YES.

I'LL BE FINISHED
IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.

I'M DUE AT THE HOSPITAL
IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.
OH.

WELL, I'LL JUST HAVE
THE PHOTOGRAPHERS WAIT.

THEN THEY CAN GET THEIR SHOTS
AFTER YOU LEAVE.

OH, AND WE COULD
SEE EACH OTHER, WHILE
THEY WAIT IN THE HALL.

GERALD BOYER,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO TAKE A DRIVE
IN AN OPEN CONVERTIBLE...

AND TRY VERY HARD
TO COOL OFF!

[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Horn Honking ]

WHY DON'T
YOU LOOK WHAT
YOU'RE DOIN'?

[ Horns Honking ]

[ Horns Continue ]

[ Siren Wailing ]

LET ME HAVE YOUR
DRIVER'S LICENSE, MISTER.

WHAT? OH, OH,
IT'S ALL RIGHT, OFFICER.
I'M A DOCTOR.

I DON'T CARE
IF YOU'RE PETER PAN.
THAT'S NO REASON TO STOP SHORT.

NOW, GIVE ME
YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.

B-BUT THAT'S MY WIFE
UP THERE.
THAT'S VERY NICE.

WOULDN'T YOU STOP
AND LOOK IF YOU
SUDDENLY SAW YOUR WIFE...

STARING DOWN AT YOU
FROM A BILLBOARD?

I WOULDN'T STOP
AND LOOK IF MY WIFE
WAS HANGIN' UP THERE.

HERE. NOW, GET THAT CAR OUTTA
HERE, AND THE NEXT TIME, LOOK
AT YOUR WIFE AT HOME, WILL YA?

I WOULD IF SHE WAS
EVER THERE.

TEN BUCKS JUST
TO LOOK AT MY WIFE?

THERE. SOME
VITAMINS AND MINERALS
I'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE.

MM-HMM. DOCTOR, COULDN'T YOU
GIVE ME A LITTLE CLUE AS TO
WHEN I MIGHT EXPECT IT?

I KNOW HOW IMPATIENT YOU ARE,
MRS. FRALEIGH, BUT THERE'S
NOTHING TO DO NOW BUT WAIT.

YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE IT,
DOCTOR, BUT I AM REALLY
NOT IMPATIENT.

I'VE WAITED SUCH A LONG TIME
FOR THIS EXPERIENCE, I'M
SAVORING EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

I-I'VE BEEN TAKING
VERY LONG WALKS
UP AND DOWN FIFTH AVENUE.

FINE. EXERCISE
IS VERY IMPORTANT.

I DON'T WALK
FOR THE EXERCISE.

I WALK TO SHOW OFF.

I'M PROUD OF MY CONDITION.
IS THAT SILLY?

SILLY? THAT'S ABOUT
THE HEALTHIEST ATTITUDE
YOU COULD HAVE.

OH, I DON'T KNOW WHEN
I'VE BEEN SO HAPPY.

OH, I GUESS THERE'S NOTHING
MORE FULFILLING IN LIFE...

THAN HAVING A BABY.

OH, LISTEN TO ME.
SOMETHING YOU'VE PROBABLY
HEARD A THOUSAND TIMES.

NEVER STATED
SO BEAUTIFULLY.

THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
IF NOT BEFORE.

OHH.
[ Chuckling ]

[ Mrs. Fraleigh ]
THERE'S NOTHING MORE
FULFILLING IN LIFE...

THAN HAVING A BABY.

MISS THOMPSON,
WOULD YOU COME IN, PLEASE?

[ Door Opening ]
YES, DOCTOR?

MISS THOMPSON, WOULD YOU
PLEASE SEND THREE DOZEN
ROSES TO MY HOME...

AND A COUPLE OF BOTTLES
OF CHAMPAGNE?

IMPORTED.
THEN RESERVE A TABLE
AT THE, UH,

RITZ PAVILION...

AND CALL MRS. BOYER AND
HAVE HER MEET ME THERE
AT 8:00.

YES, DOCTOR.
IS IT MRS. BOYER'S
BIRTHDAY?

HER BIRTHDAY?
NO, NO, NOT EXACTLY.

BUT IT MAY BE SOMEBODY'S.

PARTY OF FOUR.
TEN O'CLOCK? YES.

THIS IS A MARVELOUS IDEA!
I SHOULD HAVE INVITED
YOU OUT WEEKS AGO.

YES, SIR?
YES, I HAVE A RESERVATION.
DR. GERALD BOYER.

OH, YES, DR. BOYER.
THERE WILL BE A LITTLE WAIT.

YOUR TABLE
WILL BE READY SOON.

I MADE THE RESERVATION FOR
8:00. IT'S AFTER THAT NOW.

I AM SORRY, SIR. WE HAVE
BEEN RATHER BUSY TONIGHT.
PLEASE.

AREN'T YOU
BEVERLY BOYER,
THE HAPPY GIRL?

YES, I AM.
OH, MAY I HAVE
YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

FOR MY LITTLE
GRANDDAUGHTER.

SHE'S ONLY THREE,

BUT SHE JUST LOVES
TO LISTEN TO YOU
TALK ABOUT YOUR SOAP.

REALLY? OH, HOW NICE.
HOW STUPID OF ME,
MISS BOYER.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
OF COURSE I HAVE
A TABLE FOR YOU.

THANK YOU.
[ Snapping Fingers ]
WAITER.

TABLE THREE FOR
MISS BOYER AND PARTY.
PLEASE FOLLOW ME.

THANK YOU.

PERHAPS MISS BEVERLY
WISH TO HAVE SOME WINE?

UH, WE'D LIKE SOME
CHAMPAGNE, PLEASE.

WELL.
THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME. AREN'T YOU
THE HAPPY GIRL, BEVERLY?

YES, I AM.
SEE, LENA?

- I TOLD YOU.
- MAY WE HAVE YOUR
AUTOGRAPH, MISS BEVERLY?

MY NIECE'S DAUGHTER
WOULD ADORE IT.

DO YOU HAVE A PEN?
OH. I DON'T KNOW--

HERE, DEAR.
THANK YOU.

NOW ME. IT'S FOR
A NEIGHBOR'S CHILD.
WOULD YOU PERSONALIZE IT?

JUST WRITE:
"TO GEORGIE,

A SWEET, DARLING LITTLE BOY
OF WHOM I AM VERY FOND OF."

AND SIGN IT.
UH, PARDON ME.

ARE YOU ANYBODY?
W--

THIS IS
MY HUSBAND.
OH, MR. BEVERLY!

NO, DOC BEVERLY.

- I-I MEAN DR. BOYER.
- MARRIED TO A DOCTOR.
ISN'T THAT NICE?

WE'LL BE WATCHING YOU
ON TV, BEVERLY.
REMEMBER TO WAVE TO US.

[ Giggling ]
THANK YOU.
UH, THAT'S MY PEN.

OH, I'M SORRY.

OH, DARLING, I'M SORRY.

WHAT A THING TO SAY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART.
I'M NOT THAT SENSITIVE.

IT IS
BEVERLY BOYER!

YOU'RE SO MUCH PRETTIER
ON TELEVISION,
I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

AREN'T YOU THE ANNOUNCER
WHO SAYS, "HERE SHE IS,
MISS BEVERLY"?

I TAKE IT BACK.
I AM THAT SENSITIVE.
COME ON, SWEETHEART.

OH, BUT, MISS BEVERLY,
I WANT YOUR AUTOGRAPH.
WE'RE GOING.

WE DON'T HAVE A PEN.

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO ANY OF
YOU COLLEGE BRAINS WE'RE NOT
MAKING FULL USE OF OUR GIRL?

DAD, SHE HAS BEEN
ON THE AIR EVERY FRIDAY
FOR THE PAST FIVE MONTHS.

SHE IS ON
BILLBOARDS.
SPOT COMMERCIALS.

MAGAZINES.
RADIO.
NEWSPAPERS.

WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
WHAT ELSE IS THERE? THERE'S
HAPPY DETERGENT, YOU BOOBS.

GET ANOTHER PROGRAM AND
LET HER SELL DETERGENT!

YES, DAD.
WHAT KIND OF
PROGRAM, DAD?

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

GIVE ME ONE OF THEM DAMN SHOWS
WHERE EVERYBODY IN THE FAMILY
IS SMARTER THAN THE FATHER.

OR BUY ME A TALL MARSHAL
WITH A GOOFY SIDEKICK.
DON'T MATTER.

COME ON!

[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Monkey Chattering ]

[ Horn Honking,
Woman Screaming ]

- [ Crowd Cheering ]
- ♪♪ [ Dramatic Music ]

- ♪♪ [ Drums ]
- [ Maggie ] LOOK AT THE COLOR.
- ♪♪ [ Rock 'n' Roll ]

ANDY, IT'S NOT A TOY.
IT'S A NEW SET.

NOW, Y-YOU'VE
GONE TOO FAR.
ONE MORE.

[ Airplane Diving,
♪♪ Dramatic Music ]
THAT'S ENOUGH.

POUR ONE.

WE DON'T SERVE DRINKS
TO KILLERS.

NOW, KITTY,
WHO'D I EVER KILL?

MY FATHER AND MY BROTHER,
TO NAME TWO.

BARTENDER,
A BOTTLE AND TWO GLASSES.

DON'T YOU TWO
THINK YOU'D BE MORE
COMFORTABLE IN BED?

WE WANNA SEE
MOMMY FIRST.
WE DIDN'T
SEE MOMMY TODAY.

JA,THEY NICHT
SEE MAMA TODAY.

FIRST THEY SCHOOL,
AND THEN MAMA GO
TO PRETTY PARLOR.

WELL, ALL RIGHT,
YOU CAN SEE MOMMY,

BUT RIGHT AFTER MOMMY,
TO BED, HUH?

ALL RIGHT, KITTY,
POUR.

POUR!

SHE'S GONNA HIT HIM
ON THE HEAD WITH THE BOTTLE.

FIRST SHE'S GONNA
SPRITZ HIM.

I'M NOT GONNA
HURT YOU, KITTY.

AH, YOU--

YOU-- YOU FLOOZY!

YOU-- YOU TRAMP!

IN A MOMENT,
WE'LL SEE THE CONCLUSION
OF THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

MARSHAL TUCKER, M.D.

BUT FIRST, AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE
FROM OUR HAPPY GIRL,
BEVERLY BOYER.

YOU KNOW, IT REALLY
SEEMS FUNNY TALKING TO YOU
ON A TUESDAY NIGHT...

SINCE FRIDAY'S BEEN MY DAY TO
TELL PEOPLE ABOUT HAPPY SOAP.

THEY STILL HAVEN'T
SEEN THEIR MOMMY TODAY.

MRS. GOETHE.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET
YOUR HOPES UP TOO HIGH...

BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL
GOING TO HEAR A COMMERCIAL.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU
DECIDE TO GO TO THE KITCHEN
FOR A SANDWICH...

OR A, YOU KNOW,
BOTTLE OF BEER.

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU
ABOUT ANOTHER HAPPY PRODUCT.

HAPPY DETERGENT.

NOW, ITS LABEL
MAKES MANY CLAIMS.

IT SAYS IT'S GOOD
FOR DISHES, CLOTHES,

WOODWORK...

AND EVEN THE TILE
AROUND YOUR SWIMMING POOL.

OF COURSE, I WOULDN'T KNOW
ABOUT THAT BECAUSE, YOU SEE,
I DON'T HAVE A POOL.

AND I'M CERTAINLY NOT ABOUT
TO PUT ONE IN JUST TO, UM,
TEST THIS.

BUT I DO KNOW THIS:

THAT THE HAPPY PEOPLE
MAKE A FINE PRODUCT,

AND THEY WOULDN'T LIE.

BYE.
GOOD GIRL!

TURN HER OFF.
TURN HER OFF.

IS THAT YOU, PALMER?
GET HER A SWIMMING POOL.

DAMN THE COST.

I WANT IT IN HER BACKYARD
IN TIME FOR THE NEXT COMMERCIAL.

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GET PERMISSION.
I WANT IT TO BE A SURPRISE.

NOW GET OVER THERE
AND START DIGGIN'!

I WANT IT IN
BY TOMORROW NIGHT.
GIVE ME A NUT.

GOOD MORNING.
I THINK YOU WAIT FOR MISSUS.
SHE COME SOON.

YEAH. HERE WE ARE.
AH! AH!
[ Speaking German ]

SHE NO TELL ME
SHE ORDER HOLE!

OH, WELL, DON'T
WORRY, MRS. GOETHE.
THIS IS A SURPRISE.

WHEN WILL MRS. BOYER
BE BACK?

SHE COME FOR LUNCH, 12:00,
AND THEN YOU SEE!

MOM, CAN WE PLAY GOLF
'TIL LUNCH IS READY?

YES, DARLING, YOU CAN PLAY
IN THE BACKYARD.
HURRAY! HURRAY!

COME ON, MAGGIE.
YOU BE THE CADDY.

DON'T CHOP UP THE LAWN
LIKE DADDY.

[ Workman ]
TAKE IT EASY.

[ Men Chattering ]

[ Speaking German ]

MRS. GOETHE, YOU'RE SPEAKING
IN GERMAN AGAIN, DEAR. I DON'T
KNOW ONE THING YOU'RE SAYING.

MOMMY, MOMMY!
DARLINGS, WOULD YOU PLEASE
GO OUT AND PLAY IN THE YARD?

THERE'S NO BACKYARD.
THEY TOOK IT AWAY!

ANDREW, NOW REALLY.
HONEST, MOMMY.
COME AND LOOK.

JA, GO!
I GUESS WE HAVE TO PLAY GAMES.

WHO DID THAT?
I DIDN'T. I DIDN'T EVEN
SWING MY CLUB ONCE.

NO, HE DIDN'T
DO IT, MOMMY.
WHO DID THAT?

MAYBE DADDY DID.
COMPLIMENTS OF
HAPPY DETERGENT.

ONE FILTERED
SWIMMING POOL.

WHAT?

A SWIMMING POOL?
FOR YOUR CHILDREN
TO SWIM IN...

AND FOR YOU
TO DO COMMERCIALS.

OH, BUT THAT'S
RIDICULOUS!

DOES MY HUSBAND
KNOW ABOUT THIS?

NO. WE THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE
TO SURPRISE HIM WITH IT.

OH! SURPRISE HIM?
DON'T TELL ME HE
WOULD OBJECT...

TO SOMEONE GIVING YOU
A FREE SWIMMING POOL.

EVER SINCE THAT NIGHT
AT THE RESTAURANT, HE OBJECTS
TO EVERYTHING I GET:

MONEY, COMPLIMENTS,
POOLS.

POOLS?
OH, MIKE!

STANLEY, WE WANT
A REAL HIGH PYRAMID.

HIGH AS YOU CAN GET IT.
ALL RIGHT. STRAIGHT LINE
RIGHT ALONG HERE.

USE ALL THESE BOXES.

[ Mrs. Fraleigh ]
I GUESS THERE'S NOTHING
MORE FULFILLING IN LIFE...

THAN HAVING A BABY.

HI.
HI.

SWEETHEART,

I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR MY BEHAVIOR.

THESE LAST FEW WEEKS,
I'VE BEEN-- WELL,

LESS THAN
A LOVING HUSBAND.

OH, DARLING, I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU
MUCH OF A CHANCE TO BE.

EVER SINCE THAT NIGHT
AT THE RESTAURANT--
I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

I WOULD LIKE TO
MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

WHEN?
WELL,

YOU HAVE ANY PLANS
FOR TONIGHT?

NO. I WAS JUST WAITING
FOR A CALL FROM MY HUSBAND.

[ Slurping Sound ]

WHAT WAS THAT?

SOUNDS LIKE RAIN.
MM-HMM.

I LEFT THE TOP DOWN
ON THE CONVERTIBLE.

MM-HMM.

[ Slurping Continues ]
I GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO
PUT IT IN THE GARAGE.

MMM.

HEY.
HMM?

DON'T YOU RUN OFF.

THE POOL!
GERALD!

- GERRY!
- WHAT?

DEAR, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
WE HAVE A POOL.

OH!

OH!

GERALD, I'M COMING.
DARLING, I'M COMING.

OH! OH, DARLING,
YOU'RE DRIPPING WET!

WHERE DID THE POOL
COME FROM?
OH, OH, OH.

DARLING, YOU MUST BE
CHILLED TO THE BONE.
IT'S A HEATED POOL.

HOW DID IT GET HERE?
PLEASE DON'T SHOUT.

[ Slurping ]
I HAVE TO SHOUT TO BE HEARD
OVER THAT BILGE PUMP.

IT'S A FILTER, DARLING.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I WANT TO KNOW HOW
IT GOT IN MY BACKYARD!
PLEASE BE QUIET. I'LL TELL YOU.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GET
SO EXCITED, DARLING?
EXCITED?

I JUST DROVE MY CAR
INTO A SWIMMING POOL!

GERALD? YOU ALWAYS SAID
YOU WANTED A POOL.

DON'T YOU THINK I SHOULD BE
CONSULTED BEFORE YOU SPEND
$5,000 OF OUR MONEY?

OH, SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
DARLING, I DIDN'T SPEND
ONE CENT OF OUR MONEY.

OH, I SEE.
IT'S COME TO THAT!

COME TO WHAT?
"OUR" MONEY
AND "YOUR" MONEY.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU.
THIS IS STILL OUR HOUSE...

AND OUR BACKYARD
AND OUR CHILDREN, AND WHEN
WE BUILD A SWIMMING POOL,

IT WILL BE BUILT
WITH OUR MONEY.

AND WHAT IS "OUR" MONEY?

OUR MONEY IS WHAT I EARN
BY BEING A DOCTOR.

OH, AND WHAT I'VE EARNED
IS NOT OURS?

IT'S YOURS!
OH!

YOU MEAN THAT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO
PARTICIPATE IN THIS HOUSEHOLD?

WHAT'S MINE IS MINE
AND WHAT'S YOURS IS OURS?
IF YOU LIKE.

WELL, I DON'T LIKE.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
MY RIGHTS AS A WOMAN?

I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM.
THEY GREW AND GREW...

UNTIL THEY SUFFOCATED
MY RIGHTS AS A MAN.

WHOEVER SAID ALL MEN
ARE CREATED EQUAL
DIDN'T ANTICIPATE...

A WOMAN MAKING $100,000
A YEAR AND SPENDING IT
ON SWIMMING POOLS.

I DID NOT SPEND IT
ON SWIMMING POOLS!
YOU'RE GONNA WAKE THE CHILDREN.

GOOD! IT'LL GIVE 'EM
A CHANCE TO GET REACQUAINTED
WITH THEIR MOTHER.

BY THE WAY, HOW MANY MINUTES
DID THEY SEE YOU TODAY?

MANY MORE MINUTES
THAN THEY'VE SEEN YOU,
DR. BOYER.

OH, I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU.
NOW YOU HAVE FINALLY DONE IT.

DONE WHAT?
YOU HAVE
FINALLY SUCCEEDED...

IN EQUATING THE DELIVERY
OF A BABY WITH THE DELIVERY
OF A COMMERCIAL.

OHH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I AM FILLING THIS SUITCASE
WITH MY CLOTHES.

OH, REALLY?
WELL, I'LL HELP YOU.

AND I'M GONNA CONTINUE
TO DO IT UNTIL YOU GIVE UP
THIS ASININE CAREER...

AND GO BACK
TO BEING A WIFE.

"GO BACK
TO BEING A WIFE"?
YES!

THAT'S MINE!
GIVE ME THAT!
I WANNA TELL YOU.

I'M THE KIND OF A HUSBAND
WHO LIKES TO SEE HIS WIFE.

NOT STARING AT HIM
FROM A BILLBOARD...

OR LOOKING UP AT HIM
FROM A MAGAZINE AD.

I WANT TO SEE HER
IN PERSON AND OFTEN.

ARE YOU GIVING ME
AN ULTIMATUM?
YES, DAMN IT!

WELL, THAT'S JUST FINE.

YOU CAN SEE ME ON PAGE 41!

YOU MIGHT NEED THIS.
YOU CAN REACH ME
AT THE OFFICE...

IF YOU GET TIRED
OF KISSING SOAP!

[ Shrieking ]

[ Grumbling ]

[ Growling ]

[ Slurping ]

YOU ASK HER.

BUT HER EYES ARE CLOSED.
MOMMY SAID NEVER TO WAKE HER
IF HER EYES ARE CLOSED.

THEY'RE NOT CLOSED
TIGHT. LOOK.

THEY LOOK TIGHT.
THERE'S A LITTLE SLIT
IN THIS ONE. SEE?

I DON'T SEE
NO SLIT.

RIGHT THERE.
OH, NOW I SEE IT.

IT'S A BIG SLIT.

MMM.

GOOD MORNING.
[ Both ]
GOOD MORNING, MOMMY.

ARE YOU AWAKE?
WHAT IS IT?

CAN WE GO OUT AND
PLAY IN THE SNOW?

DO WE HAVE TO PUT
OUR SNOWSUITS ON, MOMMY?

WILL YOU GO HELP US
BUILD A SNOWMAN?

WHAT?
A SNOWMAN.

ANDREW, THERE'S
NO SNOW, SWEETHEART.

YES, THERE IS.
OUT IN THE BACKYARD.
IT DIDN'T SNOW IN THE FRONT.

HONEST, MOMMY.
HONEST, MOMMY.
COME AND LOOK.

OH.

OHH.

DO I HAVE TO DO THIS?
HUH?

[ Muttering ]

WHAT?
WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S SLIPPERY.
[ Shrieking ]

WHAT IS THIS?
OH! WHERE ARE YOU?
COME OUT OF HERE.

[ Mumbling In German ]

COME ON! IT'S--
OH! COME ON HERE!

[ Speaking German ]

[ Children Chattering ]

COMING!

OH. HELLO.
HIYA.

ARE YOU THE LADY THAT
CALLED ABOUT THE STUFF?
YES. IT'S IN THE BACKYARD.

RIGHT AROUND THERE.
I KNOW IT'S NONE OF
MY BUSINESS, LADY,

BUT HOW DID YOU HAPPEN
TO GET THREE TRUCKLOADS OF
POTATOES IN YOUR BACKYARD?

POTATOES?
SAYS SO RIGHT HERE.
"PICK UP SPUDS."

OH, NO,
THAT'S A MISTAKE.
I FIGURED IT WAS.

WHAT KIND OF A NUT
WOULD HAVE THREE TRUCKLOADS
OF SPUDS IN THEIR BACKYARD?

NO, IT'S SUDS.
SUDS?

SUDS.

[ Man #1 ]
IT'S BEAUTIFUL!

[ Man #2 ]
YEAH, IT'S--
IT'S LIKE HEAVEN.

[ Man #3 ] THAT'S
THE CLOSEST TO HEAVEN
YOU'LL EVER GET.

- IT'S ALMOST A SHAME
TO BUST THE THING UP.
- LOOK AT THE DIFFERENT SHAPES.

THERE'S AN ANGEL
WITH WINGS.

HEY, YEAH.
THAT LOOKS LIKE ONE OF
SANTY'S REINDEER.

HEY, THERE'S A NAKED LADY.
WHERE?
WHERE? WHERE?

AH, THE WIND
BLEW THE BEST PARTS AWAY.

YEAH.
AWW.

LOOK, GUYS.
YOU TWO TAKE THE ANGEL
WITH THE WINGS.

YOU TWO, TAKE
THAT REINDEER.

I'LL TAKE
THE NAKED LADY.
OHH!

CAREFUL OF THIS STUFF.

I LOVE THIS KIND OF WORK.
THIS IS THE BEST-SMELLIN'
GARBAGE I EVER HANDLED.

HEY, I LOST THE LADY'S HEAD.
WAIT A MINUTE. HERE IT IS.

HEY, HOW DO YOU
KEEP IT ON THE SHOVEL?
WATCH IT, LOUIE.

PARDON ME. DO YOU KNOW IF
THEY'RE SENDING THE CRANE OVER?
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.

THIS STUFF
AIN'T THAT HEAVY.
OH, NOT FOR THIS.

THERE'S A CAR
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL.
A CAR.

YES.
YOU MEAN LIKE
AN AUTOMOBILE?

EXACTLY.
HOW DID YOU
EVER MANAGE--

LOOK, I CAN'T GO INTO IT NOW,
BUT IT'S DOWN THERE.
BELIEVE ME.

HEY, GUYS, THE LADY
SAYS THERE'S A CAR
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL.

NO FOOLIN'!
A REGULAR CAR?
A REGULAR CAR.

HOW 'BOUT THAT.
WHAT KIND OF CAR IS IT?
A CONVERTIBLE.

AND YOU CAN'T MISS IT.
IT'S THE ONLY ONE DOWN THERE.

SHE PROBABLY OVERLOADED
HER WASHING MACHINE.

THEY TELL YOU NOT TO,

BUT SOME PEOPLE JUST
DON'T READ THE BOXES.

MM-HMM.

[ Onlookers Chattering ]

ALL RIGHT,
STAND BACK, FOLKS.
WE'RE GONNA HAUL HER UP.

OKAY, CHARLIE!
BRING HER UP!

[ Applause ]

OH, GOOD MORNING,
DR. EHRLICH.

MM-HMM.

OH, UH, UH, JUST
SPENT THE NIGHT
IN A HOTEL.

MM-HMM.

MISS THOMPSON.

MISS THOMPSON?

YES, DOCTOR?
I WONDER IF I COULD
BORROW A MATCH, DOCTOR.

OH, CERTAINLY.
THANK YOU.

OH, I'M SORRY.
YOUR MATCHES.

HUH. I HAD MATCHES
IN MY POCKET ALL THE TIME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT?
- WHAT DO I THINK OF IT?

OH! YOU MEAN
WHAT'S THE HIDDEN
PSYCHIATRIC MEANING...

BEHIND MY BORROWING A MATCH
WHEN I ALREADY HAD MATCHES?

WELL, I'D CALL IT
ABSENT-MINDEDNESS.

I'M SURE THAT YOU WOULD
DIAGNOSE IT AS, UH,

A CONVENIENT SUBCONSCIOUS
ATTEMPT FOR ME TO COME
IN HERE AND CHAT WITH YOU.

DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE,
DOCTOR?

MM-HMM.

[ Mrs. Goethe ]
HELLO?
IT'S ONLY ME, MRS. G.

HI.

AM I WELCOME?

WELCOME HOME!

FORGIVE ME?

FORGIVE YOU?
MM-HMM. FOR ACTING
LIKE A VICTORIAN FOOL.

FOR REFUSING TO ACCEPT
THE FACT THAT YOU
HAVE A CAREER.

OH, DARLING,
DO YOU MEAN THAT?
OF COURSE I DO.

OH!
NATURALLY, I'LL HAVE TO
READJUST MY LIFE A BIT.

YOU'D READJUST
YOUR LIFE FOR ME?

YOU'RE MY WIFE,
AREN'T YOU?
OH, YES, DARLING, I AM.

SWEETHEART,
I'VE GOT TO GET
BACK TO THE OFFICE.

UH-UH.
I'VE GOT
PATIENTS WAITING.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO.
I MUST.

WOULD YOU COME HOME EARLY?
I'LL BAKE YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL.

WITH R-R-R-R-RUM.

[ Growling ]

OH, NOT TONIGHT, HONEY.
I FORGOT. I'M SORRY.

I'VE BEEN INVITED TO THIS
BACHELOR PARTY. ONE OF THE
RESIDENTS AT THE HOSPITAL--

OH, DARLING,
DO YOU HAVE TO GO?
HONEY, I HAVE TO.

IT'S A BORE, BUT--
YOU DON'T NEED A TUXEDO
FOR A BACHELOR PARTY.

IT'S A FORMAL
BACHELOR PARTY.

SO LONG, SWEETHEART.
BETTER NOT WAIT UP
FOR ME.

BYE.
OKAY.

[ Door Closes ]

HERE.

AND AWAY WE GO.
[ Laughing ]

WHERE DID
HERR DOCTOR GO?
TO READJUST HIS LIFE.

AH! SO.
GOOD.

WOULD YOU CARE FOR
A PICTURE, SIR?

OH, YOUNG LADY.
WOULD YOU CARE
FOR A PICTURE, SIR?

YES, PLEASE.

READY?
SHOOT.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU,
MISS THOMPSON.

OH! [ Nervous Laugh ]
GOOD MORNING, DEAR.

DO I HAVE TIME
FOR A SHOWER
BEFORE BREAKFAST?

YES, YOU DO, DEAR.

♪ YOU'RE A SWEETHEART
IF THERE EVER WAS ONE ♪

♪ IF THERE EVER WAS ONE
IT'S YOU ♪

[ Water Running ]
♪ YOU'RE A SWEETHEART

♪ IF THERE EVER
WAS ONE ♪

♪ IF THERE EVER WAS ONE
IT'S YOU ♪

♪ YOU'RE A SWEETHEART ♪

[ Water Stops ]
HONEY?

SWEETHEART, I'M
SURPRISED AT YOU.

OH, I-I--
LETTING ME GO INTO THE SHOWER
WITHOUT MY UNDERWEAR.

♪ YOU'RE A SWEETHEART

♪ IF THERE EVER
WAS ONE ♪♪

WELL, WAS
THE BACHELOR PARTY FUN?

- IT WAS OKAY.
- UM, WERE THERE
ANY WIVES THERE?

HONEY, IF WIVES WERE
ALLOWED, WOULDN'T I
HAVE ASKED YOU ALONG?

- NO WOMEN?
- OF COURSE NOT.

SAY, YOU'RE NOT DOING ANY
COMMERCIALS TONIGHT, ARE YOU?

NO. I'M FREE TONIGHT.

MMM.
THAT IS A SHAME.

THE ONE NIGHT YOU'RE FREE,
AND I'VE GOT TO GIVE A LECTURE.

SO LONG, SWEETHEART.
I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

WHEN WILL YOU
BE HOME, DEAR?
UH, I'M NOT SURE.

BUT DON'T
WAIT UP FOR ME.

OHH!

♪ HOW DRY I AM

♪ HOW DRY I AM

♪ NOBODY KNOWS

♪ HOW DRY I AM

♪ HOW DRY I AM

♪ HOW DRY I AM

♪ HOW DRY I AM

♪ HOW DRY I AM

♪ HOW DRY I AM ♪

HONEY. WHERE
ARE YOU, HONEY?

OH, DARLING,
I'M RIGHT HERE.

I WANT YOU, HONEY.
WHAT IS IT, DARLING?

OH, YOU KNOW
SOMETHING?
WHAT?

YOU'RE A GREAT WOMAN,

AND I'M A BIG, FAT RAT.

DON'T YOU SAY THAT!
I AM! THE WAY I'VE
TREATED YOU. I AM.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.
I AM.

NO, YOU'RE NOT!
I AM. I'M
A BIG, FAT RAT.

YOU'RE NOT
A BIG, FAT RAT.
YOU--

YOU'RE A SWEET,
WONDERFUL WOMAN.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY
IT'S TAKEN ME SO LONG
TO FIND OUT.

HUSH, DARLING.
DON'T SAY ANY MORE,
PLEASE.

[ Sniffling ]
YOU'RE THE MOST...

WONDERFUL,
UNDERSTANDING WOMAN...

IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

GLORIA.

GLORIA! OOH!

OOH!

YOU'VE ONLY GOT
A FEW MINUTES
BEFORE YOU GO ON.

YOU BETTER
START CHANGING.
I'M WEARING THIS.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR
DRESS. I MEAN YOUR PERSONALITY.

I'M SORRY, MIKE.

CAN'T HAVE A NERVOUS,
OVERWROUGHT, UNHAPPY
HOUSEWIFE...

TELLING AMERICA
ABOUT HAPPY SOAP.

LOOK AT YOU.
YOUR EYES ARE RED.

YOU'RE TWISTING YOUR HANKIE.
YOU'RE BITING YOUR LIP.

THAT'S NO WAY FOR
A CAREER GIRL TO ACT.

I DON'T THINK
I'M CUT OUT TO BE
A CAREER GIRL.

OUR SPONSORS
THINK YOU ARE.
WELL, MY HUSBAND DOESN'T.

YOUR HUSBAND'S
A VICTORIAN.

MY HUSBAND IS A DOCTOR,
AND I'M A DOCTOR'S WIFE.

OR I USED TO BE.

USED TO BE?

OH, MIKE,
EVERYTHING IS--
[ Phone Ringing ]

EVERYTHING IS-- OH!

HELLO?
YES.
MRS. BOYER?

DR. BOYER ASKED ME TO CALL.
HE'LL BE HELD UP
AT THE HOSPITAL TONIGHT.

HE WON'T BE ABLE
TO PICK YOU UP AT THE STUDIO,
BUT HE WILL MEET YOU...

AT THE CARTIER HOTEL
LATER IF HE CAN.

MRS. BOYER,
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES. YES,
I UNDERSTAND.

[ People
Chattering ]

AW, CHEER UP, HONEY.
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.

OH, MIKE,
I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

HOW COULD I FORGET
THE NAME OF OUR SOAP?

WHAT DID I
FINALLY CALL IT?
PALMOLIVE.

OH.
HAVE ANOTHER DRINK.

I KEPT THINKING
ABOUT GERALD.

I KNOW HE'S
AT THE HOSPITAL, BUT--

BUT YOU'RE NOT SURE.
OF COURSE I'M SURE.

WELL, BY CALLING
THE HOSPITAL, YOU CAN
BE ABSOLUTELY SURE.

I'D NEVER DO THAT.
WHY NOT?

HE MIGHT NOT BE THERE!

HE SAID, "YES, BUT
ONLY ON THURSDAYS."

- GARDINER.
- EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE.

YES, DARLING?
GARDINER.

I'M GOING
TO HAVE A BABY.
YES, DARLING.

I KNOW.

OH, MY GOD, YOU MEAN--

A-A-ARE YOU SURE?
QUITE SURE.

OH. WELL, YOU--
JUST--

BEVERLY,
BEVERLY!
YES?

CALL YOUR BABY.
MY WIFE'S HAVING
A HUSBAND. QUICKLY.

OH!

THE DOCTORS' HOSPITAL, PLEASE.
88th STREET.

NOW YOU'LL KNOW.

IS DR. BOYER THERE, PLEASE?
THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

HE'S NO--
HE'S NOT?

WELL, CAN YOU REACH HIM?
OH, FINE.

TELL HIM MRS. GARDINER FRALEIGH
IS ON HER WAY TO THE HOSPITAL
TO DELIVER.

YES. THANK YOU.
[ Stammering ]

HE'LL MEET YOU AT
THE HOSPITAL.
WOULD YOU MIND
COMING WITH US?

IT'S JUST THAT--
IN CASE-- I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT--

EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.
IT'S JUST A MATTER OF--
EXCUSE ME.

GARDINER, I AM NOT
GOING TO HAVE THE BABY
IN THE CAR.

BUT I WOULD LIKE BEVERLY
TO GO WITH ME. WOULD YOU?
OH, YOU KNOW I WILL.

ARE YOU AFRAID?
ONLY OF BEING ALONE IN THE CAR
WITH AN EXPECTANT FATHER.

DO YOU WANT ME
TO CARRY YOU?
OH, GARDINER! REALLY.

ALL RIGHT, J-J-JUST GO QUIETLY.
HURRY. KEEP MOVING. MIKE,
WOULD YOU GET THE CAR, PLEASE?

YES, RIGHT.
THERE'S NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.

ALL RIGHT, SIDNEY.
WHERE TO, SIR?

THE HOSPITAL,
YOU IDIOT!

DR. BOYER.
OH, HELLO, MIKE.

PARTY BREAK UP EARLY?
NO, IT JUST MOVED
TO THE HOSPITAL.

MRS. FRALEIGH?
YEAH. CAN I
GIVE YOU A LIFT?

YES, PLEASE.

GO TO DOCTORS' HOSPITAL.
WE GO UP THIRD AVENUE
TO 88th,

TURN RIGHT
AND GO TO THE RIVER.

[ Horn Honking,
Tires Squealing ]

[ Horn Honking ]

IT'S ALL RIGHT, MRS. FRALEIGH.
YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE.

IS THERE ANYTHING
I CAN DO?
JUST GET US TO THE HOSPITAL!

SIDNEY, WHAT'S
HOLDING US UP?

TRAFFIC, SIR.

- HURRY.
- OH, DEAR GOD.

- PLEASE.
- DAMN IT, SIDNEY,
DO SOMETHING!

I'M, UH--
BLOW YOUR HORN!

[ Horn Blowing ]

OH, DEAR ME.
OH, THE PAIN IS
EVERY FIVE MINUTES.

- WE'VE JUST GOTTA HURRY!
- HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.

SIDNEY! SIDNEY,
I DON'T CARE
HOW YOU DO IT,

BUT I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU
EXACTLY FIVE SECONDS
TO GET THIS CAR MOVING.

[ Horn Honking ]

HEY, WHAT ARE YA DOIN'?
GET OFF THE SIDEWALK!

HEY, YOU JERK!
GET OFF THE SIDEWALK!
HEY, MACK, KNOCK IT OFF!

YOU'RE GONNA
HIT SOMEBODY!

[ Drunkenly ]
HEY, SIR, LOOK
WHERE I'M GOIN'.

[ Onlookers Chattering ]

GET OFF THE SIDEWALK!

[ Horn Continues ]
WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE, MACK.
I KNOW YOU HAVE A REASON
FOR DRIVIN' ON THE SIDEWALK,

BUT I WARN YOU,
IT BETTER BE A DANDY.

MY WIFE IS
HAVING A BABY!

THAT'S DANDY ENOUGH.
FOLLOW US.

[ Siren Wailing ]

LOTS OF LUCK!

GOOD EVENING,
DR. BOYER.
GOOD EVENING.
WAS MRS. FRALEIGH ADMITTED?

UH, NOT YET, DOCTOR.
PROBABLY HELD UP
IN TRAFFIC.

IS IT MUCH FARTHER?
NOT MUCH.

[ Gasping ]
OH, DEAR.

WH-WHAT'S THE MATTER?
FOUR MINUTES APART.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS I WISH
MY HUSBAND WERE HERE.

THERE'S A JAM
UP AHEAD, SIR.

[ Horns Honking ]

SIDNEY,
DO SOMETHING!

- SHALL I BLOW MY HORN, SIR?
- YES, DAMN IT.

OH, GARDINER,
YOUR LANGUAGE.
I'M SORRY.

OH, DARN IT!
SHE SAID,
"DARN IT."

SHE HAS NEVER,
EVER SAID THAT.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

IT'S EVERY
THREE MINUTES.
OH, MY GOD.

BEVERLY, GET THE PHONE.
CALL THE HOSPITAL.
IT'S RIGHT THERE.

GET IT OUT.
JUST PUSH THE BUTTON DOWN.

[ Horns Honking ]

[ Buzzing ]

YES?
THEY'RE NOT HERE YET.

IT'S FOR YOU,
DOCTOR.
IT'S DR. BOYER.

BEVERLY,
WHERE ARE YOU?

ON THE EAST RIVER DRIVE
AND 58th STREET.

- HOW'S MRS. FRALEIGH?
- EVERY THREE MINUTES, GERALD.

I COULD GET THERE
IN ABOUT 15 MINUTES. LOOK,
YOU GET BACK TO THE CAR.

I'M CALLING
FROM THE CAR!
OH, DEAR GOD.

PLEASE, MR. FRALEIGH.
GERALD, WHAT SHOULD I DO?

OH, DEAR, DEAR GOD.
MR. FRALEIGH,
I CAN'T HEAR.

I'M GOING TO TRY
TO GET THERE IN TIME.
I THINK I CAN.

TAYLOR, WOULD YOU
GET MY BAG? IF I DON'T,
YOU'LL HAVE TO TAKE OVER.

- IS THERE A BAR
IN THE BACKSEAT?
- IS THERE A BAR?

YES, IT'S RIGHT THERE,
BUT WHY DO YOU--
YES, GERALD, THERE'S A BAR.

THERE'S WHISKEY.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO WITH THAT?

I'M GONNA WASH MY HANDS.
WHY WOULD YOU WANNA--

GARDINER!
MR. FRALEIGH, WILL YOU PACE UP
AND DOWN THE HIGHWAY, PLEASE?

ALLOW ME, SIR.

OHH.

IF I DON'T MAKE IT IN TIME,
DOES ANYONE THERE HAVE A PIECE
OF STRING OR A SHOELACE?

SIDNEY.
MADAM?

DO YOU HAVE
A SHOELACE?
SHOELACE, MADAM?

YES, A SHOELACE.
I'M WEARING LOAFERS.

MR. FRALEIGH, DO YOU HAVE
A SHOELACE?
WHAT DO YOU NEED
A SHOELACE FOR?

OH, MY GOD,
THAT'S BARBARIC.
DO YOU HAVE A SHOELACE?

I'M WEARING GAITERS.
W-W-WELL, BORROW ONE!

BORROW A SH-SHOELACE.

UH, UH, UH,
I'LL GO AROUND.

UH, PARDON ME, SIR, BUT
ARE YOU WEARING REGULAR SHOES?
ARE YOU A NUT?

NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU SEE, I'M HAVING A BABY,
AND I NEED A SHOELACE.

GET OUTTA HERE!
GET OUT OF HERE.

NO, YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE A SHOELACE.

WOULD YOU HA--
NO.

SHOE.
SHOELACES.

SIR, I'LL GIVE YOU
$20 FOR A SHOELACE.

TWENTY DOLLARS
FOR A SHOELACE?
FORTY DOLLARS!

HERE YA ARE.
TWENTY DOLLARS IS ENOUGH.

"TWENTY DOLLARS
IS ENOUGH."

THE MAN OFFERED 40,
BUT MY IRVING HAS TO BE
A BIG SHOT. AHH!

IS THERE A NEWSPAPER
IN THE CAR?
YES, A NEWSPAPER.

AN UNUSED ONE
IS RELATIVELY GERM-FREE.

HERE IT IS.
THANK YOU.
NOW GET ME A NEWSPAPER.

YOU'VE GOT NO TIME
TO READ.
FOR THE BABY!

PLEASE, MR. FRALEIGH,
DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.
JUST GET IT.

AN UNUSED ONE!

GERALD, PLEASE HURRY.

DR. TAYLOR IS GOING TO STAY
ON THIS PHONE IN CASE
YOU NEED INSTRUCTIONS.

I'M ON MY WAY.
HERE, TAYLOR. STAY AWAKE.

MIKE, LET'S SEE IF
THAT CAR OF YOURS
CAN OUTRACE A STORK.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.
YOU CAN'T HAVE
MY SHOELACES.

GET OUTTA HERE.
NO, I DON'T WANT
YOUR SHOELACES.

I NEED A NEWSPAPER,
FOR MY BABY.

I HOPE THE BABY
DON'T OBJECT.
IT AIN'T THE TIMES.

OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
DID YOU READ THIS?

YEAH. YOU CAN KEEP IT.
I DON'T WANT IT
IF YOU READ IT!

GET OUTTA HERE!

PARDON ME, SIR.
COULD I HAVE THAT NEWSPAPER
YOU HAVE IN THE BACKSEAT?

I'M SORRY.
I HAVEN'T READ IT YET.
WONDERFUL!

I'LL GIVE YOU
TEN DOLLARS FOR IT.
TEN DOLLARS FOR A NEWSPAPER?

UH, HOW MUCH?
UH, TWENTY.

THANK YOU.
CALL AGAIN.

TWENTY DOLLARS
ISN'T ENOUGH
FOR A NEWSPAPER?

SOME BUSINESSMAN.

IN A SELLER'S MARKET
LIKE THIS, YOU COULD
HAVE GOT A HUNDRED.

HERE'S THE NEWSPAPER.
WHERE'S DR. BOYER?
WHY ISN'T HE HERE?

- HE'LL BE HERE SOON.
- OH, RELAX, GARDINER.

BABIES ARE BORN EVERY DAY.

THAT'S TRUE, SIR.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU
SHUT UP AND DRIVE?

ARE YOU A DOCTOR?
WHERE ARE THE POLICE?

MY WIFE!

OFFICER, I GOT A MATERNITY CASE
IN A ROLLS ROYCE THREE BLOCKS
AHEAD. CAN YOU GIVE ME A LIFT?

SURE.
HOP ON, DOC.

ARE YOU A DOCTOR?
THAT DID IT.

[ Shuddering ]

[ Sirens Wailing ]
OH, DEAR.

OFFICER!
OFFICER!

OFFICER!
OFFICER!

OH, LOOK, I--
MY WIFE IS
HAVING A BABY.

OFFICER? OFFICER.

OH, THERE HE IS.
THERE'S THE DOCTOR.

DOCTOR?

THERE'S A VERY PREGNANT LADY
AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE. I THINK
SHE'S GONNA HAVE A BABY.

ANYBODY HURT IN THE WRECK?
NOBODY HURT. OVER THERE.

RIGHT HERE, DOCTOR.
FOLLOW ME. FOLLOW ME.

WOULD YOU TRY TO KEEP
THE PEOPLE AWAY? AND
CLEAR THIS LANE OF TRAFFIC.

ALL RIGHT NOW,
CLEAR IT OUT.

HEY, YOU GUYS.
PREGNANT WOMAN.

[ Chattering ]
EVERYBODY, WORK.
GET IT RIGHT THERE.

OKAY, MOVE IT UP.
UP! UP!

THAT'S IT.
MOVE IT OVER.

MOVE THIS CAR OUT.
COME ON!
MOVE THIS CAR OUT.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S
GET THE CAR THROUGH.

HURRY, SIDNEY!

WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT ME?

HOP ON.

[ Sirens Wailing ]

HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!
[ Baby Crying ]

DARLING.
DARLING, I--

WHO'S THAT?
IT'S YOUR DAUGHTER.

IT'S MY... DAUGHTER.

MY-- OH, DARLING!

YOU ARE A GENIUS.

AND-- AND YOU'RE BRILLIANT.
YOU'RE BRILLIANT!

THAT'S BRILLIANT.
TH-THAT'S BRILLIANT!
THAT'S BRILLIANT, DOCTOR.

DR. TAYLOR, WILL YOU
TAKE THE BABY, PLEASE?

[ Gardiner ]
THE BABY IS BRILLIANT!

LOOK IT.
THAT'S A BABY!

TAKE OVER.

OH, HOLD ME.

HOLD ME.

OH, DARLING,
I NEED YOU SO MUCH.

DO YOU NEED ME?
OH, VERY MUCH.

DARLING, YOU KNOW WHEN I
HELPED YOU BACK THERE
IN THE CAR?

AND I HELD THAT NEW LIFE
IN MY ARMS,

I KNEW WHAT YOU MUST FEEL
EVERY SINGLE DAY.

AND I FELT
SO CLOSE TO YOU.

OH, DARLING,

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

AND I WANT TO BE
A DOCTOR'S WIFE AGAIN.

DO YOU THINK
YOU'LL BE HAPPY BEING
JUST A DOCTOR'S WIFE?

OH, YES.

DID YOU DELIVER A BABY
TONIGHT, DADDY?

WELL, HELLO THERE.

[ Beverly ]
AND WHAT ARE YOU TWO
DOING UP?

ANDY WAS THIRSTY.
DID YOU DELIVER ONE,
DADDY?

WELL, YES, I DID,
AND MOMMY HELPED TOO.

- OH! CAN WE KEEP IT?
- NO, I'M AFRAID NOT.

BUT YOU SAID WHEN MOMMY
HELPED, THEN YOU WOULD
BRING IT HOME.

YES, YOU DID.
YOU PROMISED, DADDY.
WE WANT A BABY.

WELL, NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
DARLING, A PROMISE
IS A PROMISE.

NOW YOU TWO GET TO BED,
AND DADDY AND I WILL DISCUSS IT.

- WILL YOU 'SCUSS IT TONIGHT?
- IF DADDY'S NOT TOO TIRED.

NO, I DON'T THINK
DADDY'S TOO TIRED.

HURRAY FOR OUR DADDY!
HURRAY FOR MOMMY!

HURRAY FOR
DADDY AND MOMMY!

CLOSED-CAPTIONED BY
CAPTIONS, INC. LOS ANGELES