The Three Stooges (2012) - full transcript

Everybody inside!

Come on. Time for your chores.

But, Sister Mary-Mengele, the game's tied.

Can't we just play another
couple minutes? Please!

No, you can't. Now get inside.

And pick up that soccer can and put it back
in the equipment shed where it belongs.

Wait a second, Sis, you got to hear us out.

We didn't ask for this

We didn't pray for this

{may not have a sis
Or know my mother's kiss

But that doesn't matter because



Everybody is special

We're not inconsequential

Shut up!

What do you think this is,
The Sound of Music.7

Get in there. Come on.

Enough with the singing.

One, two, three, four, five, six

Roadrunner, roadrunner

Come on, come on, move it.
No wonder your parents didn't want yous.

Gonna drive past the Stop & Shop
With the radio an

I'm in lave with Massachusetts

And the neon when it's cold outside

And the highway when it's late at night

With the radio an



Good Lord!

Mother Superior, come quickly!

Oh, my! Angels from heaven!

They're like the Holy Trinity.
I get to give them the first bottle.

Let me give them a bath.

Can they sleep in my room tonight?

Now hold on, ladies.
Everyone's going to get their turn.

it's not my turn, get somebody else.

Sister Ricarda, how about you?

Will you please go tell the boys to
come down for lunch?

I would, Mother Superior, I swear I would,

but the doctor told me to
steer clear of them for a couple of weeks,

on account of my nerves.

How about you, Sister Rosemary?

Oh, yeah! Just like the Army?

Put the black folks on the front line. Uh-uh.

What about Sister Mary-Mengele?
She knows how to handle them.

Oh, poor thing. She has a toothache,
so she went to lie down.

You mean she's asleep?

Where are the boys?

Huh.

I haven't seen a case like this in years.

And would you look
at all that metal in her mouth.

Must be too much iron in the water.

Don't you worry, Sis. You're in good hands.

We'll have that bum tooth out in no time.

- Anesthetic.
- Anesthetic.

Anesthetic.

Fifteen milligrams. Give.

Five, ten, fifteen.

Boys?

OPE""P, please.

It's the head penguin.
Boxcar seven on three. Break.

One, two, three.

I said open this door.

What are you three up to?

Just dabbling in the arts.

Indubitably.

Oh! Well, lunch is ready.

Oh, boy. Eats.

You're not going to believe this.

That rich couple just called.
They're going to be here in five minutes.

Oh, goodness! But we're not prepared.

All right, well,
you'd better inform all the children

and tell them to
make themselves presentable.

- What about Moe, Larry and Curly?
- Well, you know what to do,

just throw them some chew toys
and keep them out of sight.

We were thinking that

maybe this time
we could hide the other kids

and then with a little help from the Lord
we could...

it's called the bait and switch.

Absolutely not!

Look, as much as I would love
to see those boys get adopted,

I'm afraid they're not ready yet.

And I can't chance
scaring off another couple.

That's it! I quit.

- What?
- It's too dangerous

living around here with those three boys.

I need a safer working environment.

But where would you go?

Don't worry about me.

I got a cousin who hauls traps
on one of those Alaskan crab boats.

One of the crew fell off
and got eaten by sharks.

He's going to slide me right into that slot.

You think they got room for one more?

Okay, hold on, everybody.
Just wait a minute.

Have the boys meet me in my office.

I hope
you'll forgive us for coming early.

We just couldn't stand to wait another day.

Oh, we understand, Mrs. Harter.

This is a great surprise.

We have three delightful youngsters
for you to meet.

Three? We were under the impression
there were more than that.

Nope, that's it. Just the three.

Children, get on in here.
Mr. and Mrs. Harter don't have all day.

Hello

Hello.

How precious.

Yes, I certainly don't envy you

having to choose between
such amazing children.

The choice is easy. I'm your guy.

That is so cute.

- Absolutely adorable. How long's he got?
- Hmm?

He's taking chemo, right?

No, no, no, he's healthy as a mule.

And almost as smart.

Recede, Bojangles.

Pick me. I make the best potato peel
and eggshell smoothies in town.

If you choose me,
I'll let you play with my pet rat, Nippy.

I even taught him a few tricks.

Oh, boys and their rodents.

Mother Superior,
may I have a glass of milk, please?

Oh, who is this?

Hi, my name is Teddy,
and someday I'm going to have a puppy.

Oh, my God! He's wonderful.

I thought you said
there were only the three.

I never said that. I said about three.

All right, Teddy, get in line with the others.

Go ahead.

Down, boy.

Straighten up, boys.

Mr. and Mrs. Harter
have a big decision to make.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

Teddy, this is going to be a day
you'll never forget.

My wife and I have decided

that our family won't be complete

until you tell Moe
that he's coming home with us.

What do you say, sport?
You want to be part of a real family?

Boy, would I ever!

Thank you. We're so excited.

If you fellas are ever out in horse country...

...shopping for a polo pony.

You'll look me up, right?

Sure, Moe.

We'll, you know, keep in touch.

Ah! Quit your blubbering.

What are you trying to do?
Rain on my parade?

No, Moe. These are tears of joy. Honest.

Sorry.

You fellas mind if I have something
to remember you by?

You name it, Moe.

Come here, groundhog.

Thanks, fellas.

Hey, Moe, do you know what day today is?

No clue.

It's your birthday.

Really?

To us it is.

Because today
is the day that you came into our lives.

So, what would you
like as a birthday present?

Uh... I'm good.
This lollypop's really hitting the spot.

Now, come on.

Come on, there's got to be something
that would make your birthday complete.

Just go crazy, champ.
Anything your heart desires.

Well, when you put it that way.

Well? What is it?

He, uh...

He wants us to go back
and get his two friends.

Moe.

Three youngsters are
an awful lot to take on all at once.

Don't you see, Pop, that's the beauty of it.

It's not going to cost you a dime extra.

Them two termites can bunk with me.

I'll even split my meals with them.

Yeah, I don't know, Moe...

And you don't have to worry about
sending them to fancy schools

because they're not interested
in reading or numbers.

Heavy lifting and ditch digging,
that's their dream.

Wow.

Those guys really mean a lot to you,
don't they?

They're all I've ever had.

Moe's right, honey.

We can't possibly
separate these three boys.

There we go. That's my mom talking.

Forget it! It was a bad idea.

I don't want nothing.

Mommy, Daddy.

Please!

Don't go.

Moe!

Moe, what are you doing back?

Uh...

I...

Come on, spill it. What happened?

They were full of baloney.

As soon as we got on the road,
they start spouting off

about me eating my veggies
and washing behind my ears and chores!

Get this, they wanted me to clean the pool
and squeegee the tennis courts.

Every week! Oh, and by the way...

That's for all the stupid things
you did while I was gone.

I told you he'd find out.

Come on. Let's go start a small brushfire
and whiz it out.

it's 12:05 and nothing rang.

Weren't those morons
supposed to fix the bell last week?

Have patience, Sister Mary-Mengele,
they do their best.

At least they're working on something
in there.

Yeah, they've been at it all morning.

Yeah, well, I think I'll go have a little word
with them.

When are you clowns going to fix that...

I knew it.

it's an earthquake.

Man the lifeboats.
Women and children first.

it's Attila the Nun.
She's 100 yards out and closing fast.

You're lucky I'm not in charge

or you three would've been run out of here
a long time ago.

Now, get up on that roof and fix the bell,
you no-good lazy bums!

Who're you calling lazy?

You! And if any of yous
have got a problem with it

you can step forward right now.

Oh, yeah? You got something to say?

Go ahead, champ. Show her who's boss.

And left, right, left. Left, right, left.

Left, right, left. Left, right, left.

And company halt. Drop anchor.

Here we go, here we go. There we go.

- Success.
- Success.

- Success.
- Success.

All right, break it up.

How're we going to get at the bell?
It's hiding in that box.

Why don't you go buy a toupee
with some brains in it? We'll cut it open.

Hey, onion-head, go on back to the shed
and grab the chainsaw.

Why doesn't Larry go?

- Because he's got a headache.
- No, I don't.

- How about now?
- Yeah, it's coming on.

HEY, guys, how's it hanging?

- Heya, Murph.
- Hey, Murph.

Hey, Murph.

You feeling any better?

We missed you at the poker game
last night.

I'm okay, I guess.
So, who was the big winner?

Ah! Peezer cleaned us out.

Peezer? He's seven.

Yeah, but he wears those sunglasses,
you can't tell what he's thinking.

We'll check in on you later, Murph.

- See you.
- Bye, Murph.

See you, Murph.

Monsignor Ratliff e?
We weren't expecting you.

I need to speak to Mother Superior.
It's rather urgent.

Here you go, Murph.
Look what I brought you!

Oh, boy! Cheese!

Where'd you snag this from?

Mousetraps up in the attic.

Oh, come on, Murph.

You got to keep up your cheese molecules
so you can get your strength back.

Enough with the melodrama.

I'm sorry, Murph. it's just,

ever since my brother, Weezer,
got shipped to that foster home

you're all I got.

Oh, Peez, come on.
Don't start feeling sorry for yourself again.

You think you're the only kid in the world
who ever watched his parents drown,

then got sent to an orphanage,
then a couple of weeks later

had his only brother dragged away
kicking and screaming? Dude, it happens.

Yeah, I know I'm being a wuss again.

Look, Peez, I'm not going anywhere.

You and me, we're family now.

We're BFFs forever.

Just like Moe, Larry and Curly.

Were's Curly with that saw?

How should I know?

Well, come on, let's try to pry this thing off.

- All right.
- We'll get this done the right way.

- Yeah.
- Watch yourself. Wedge it.

We're getting nowhere fast. Wait a minute.

Hey, mongoose, grab that sledgehammer.

On the count of three
hit down on this thing.

You got it.

Starting to get
a half a brain in my skull here.

One, two, three.

Sorry, Moe,
it was an honest mistake, honest!

Oh, that's okay, kid.

Mistakes can
happen in the best of families.

This sledgehammer
is probably just a tad off-kilter.

- Yeah, it did feel a little funny.
- Here, let me have a look.

- Yeah, I know what you...
- Ow! My neck!

- How do you feel now?
- All right.

That's good.
Come on, what's a matter with you?

Quit wasting time.

And there's nothing else we can do?

I'm afraid not.

Please send for Moe, Larry and Curly.

I better give them the news first.

Yes, Mother Superior.

I hope you're also going to tell them
who's responsible for this.

Oh, let's not play the blame game, Sister.

I'll just tell them what they need to know.

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

- I got the saw, Moe.
- Yeah, well, you're too late...

What's a matter with you?
You trying to hurt someone? Why you...

Oh, look.

- Now look what you did.
- It's not my fault.

It was a chain reaction on the saw.
See? Saw.

Oh, a punster, eh? Where's that hammer?

- No.
- Where's that hammer?

Give it to me.

No, Moe, please! Oh, Moe!

Oh, boys.

No, no, Moe! I'm a victim of circumstance!

I'll circumstance you!

Those morons.

Why you!

What the...

Hey! Quit horsing around, you two.
You're disturbing my coffee break.

Oh, boy, donuts! Where's mine?

They're small.

- Why don't you have two?
- Okay.

Ah!

Now look what you did, Moe!
You got donut stuck in my ears.

Hey, you're in luck.
They got a donut remover right here.

- What's a donut remover?
- It's one of these.

"Donut Remove-uh."

- Huh. What are the odds of that?
- Hey, mugwumps!

Mother Superior is looking for you.

Here, let me get it for you.

Uh-oh! Is that Sister Mary-Mengele?

I don't know, but the face rings a bell.

Remind me
to gouge your eyeballs out later.

Don't move a muscle, Sis,
we'll be right there.

- Come on. Get going.
- Be careful.

Here we go.

Whoa! Whoa!

Hey, Moe. Hey, Larry.
Fellas, do something!

Moe. Moe!

What's a matter with...

Call 411!

Quick! Help me move Sister M and M
before chowder-head crushes her.

Come on.

Come on, you!

You, help out. You, grab that bucket,
splash some water on her.

Oh!

See, I told you
there's too much iron in the water.

Speak to me, Sis. Say a few parables.

I save 15 % on my car insurance.

She seems fine to me.

Come on,
let's go see what Mother Superior wants.

Hey, look!
Some wise guy is roughing up the sisters.

Why you!

Come on.

Picking on girls, eh?

How do you like that, pretty boy?

You think you're pretty smooth, huh?

Squish! squish! Squish!

Get off of him!

Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry!
Oopsie-daisy!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What are you doing?

We caught this lounge lizard
getting all handsy with the nuns.

This is no lounge lizard!
He's here on official business.

Official business? Why didn't you say so?

Pick me, I'll clip your hedges.

- I'll hedge your clippers.
- I'll fetch your slippers.

I'll scrub the stench
right off them dentures.

You idiots!

I'm not here to adopt!

This is Monsignor Ratliff e from the diocese.

Oh, sorry about that, Señor Ratlips.

Children, Sisters, everyone,
please gather round.

I have an announcement to make.

Oh! Are we getting pizza?

Come, come.

Pull it in.

I'm sorry to have to tell you all this,

but due to the recent economic downturn
and some unforeseen expenses

the orphanage will be forced to close down
at the end of the month.

But what's going to happen to the children?
And us.

Well, you sisters
will be spread around the diocese

and the children
will be sent to foster homes.

Oh, boy, Foster's.
That's Australian for beer.

Would you like that in a bottle or a mug?

- I'll take it in a mug.
- You got it.

Foster home?

Forget it! I'm not going to end up
like Peezer's brother, Weezer.

If someone wants to adopt me, I'll listen.

But I'm not going anywhere
where they're getting paid to love me.

Cheer up, Murph. There's talk of pizza.

Wait a minute, Monsignor.
There's got to be something we can do.

Yeah, what's it going to take
to save this place?

- A lot of this.
- Oh!

Well, that's doable.
How many boogers are we talking about?

Not boogers, dollars, you moron.

Eight hundred and thirty thousand
of them, to be exact.

You can't let them close us down, Mother.
You can't!

This is our home.

Hold on there, skin-tags.
When do you need that money by?

Thirty days.

- Well, consider it done.
- That's right.

Thirty days from now we'll have enough
cash to rent ten of these kid factories.

Oh, yeah, how?

- Why, by doing whatever it takes.
- We'll climb mountains.

- We'll forge rivers.
- We'll forge checks.

Come on, let's get packing.

Attention!

About face.

Company, march!
March! March, march, march!

Goodbye, everybody.

Bye, guys. Bye, you take care.

No cheating in cards.
I'll say hi to Santa. Yeah, I will.

I'm concerned.

Those three boys are
going to be eaten alive out there.

We're going to try sushi.

They don't even know anyone
their own age.

All they know is nuns and kids.

She's right, Mother Superior.
You know how long I've waited for this day.

But now that it's here, I don't know.

Well, what choice do we have?
They either leave today or next month.

Like Moses in the desert,
I believe the Lord will guide them

because they're pure of heart.

And dim of wit.

Boys.

Good luck to you.

Here's a little money
to get you through your first few days.

Good luck, guys.

Don't worry, Peez, you can tell Murph

we're going to be back in a flash
with the cash.

Yeah!

All right, children, let's say goodbye.

Goodbye

Goodbye.

{SINGING} This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine

Oh, this little light of mine

I'm gonna let it shine

Let it shine
Let it shine

Let it shine

- This little light of mine
- Oh, Lord

- I'm gonna let it shine
- I'm gonna let it

This little light of mine

- I'm gonna let it shine, yeah
- I'm gonna let it shine

- This little light of mine
- I'm gonna let...

Shut up!

This ain't a revival, it's an orphanage.

She's right. Time's a-wasting.
Let's saddle up, boys.

Come on, get busy.

- Seat belt, check.
- Check.

Check.

Bell tone.

- Check.
- Tow rope.

Check.

Hey, bunion-head,
you forgot to tie us off to the handlebars.

I couldn't reach it
so I tied us to the back tire.

Oh, good.

You feather-brained...
I'm warning you!

I think we got a flat tire.

Maybe we should let go.

- Do we really have to knock him off?
- What?

Why can't you just divorce him?

You know why.
His father made me sign a prenup.

So what? We have each other.
We don't need your husband's money.

Maybe we don't need it. But I want it.

Look, if you're too much of a wuss,
just tell me...

Oh, no, no, no, I told you.

I'm all in.

I want your hubby gone
just as badly as you do.

I'm just new at this, that's all.

Okay. So how are we going to do it?

What is that racket?

$830,000. First taker gets
a three-man working machine.

It's all spelled out
in this here contract, folks.

That's right, no job is too small,

we'll press your pants,
we'll shine your shoes.

We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze.

What's a matter with you?
Quit giving away the fine print.

- Hey, what's the idea?
- Shut up.

Now smarten up, you two,
or have you forgotten

there's a bunch of little kids
counting on us?

And we've only got 27 days left
to raise that dough.

Hey, bub, your trousers are falling down,
let me help you.

Hey, man,
you trying to get yourself capped?

Oh, no thanks, I don't wear hats.

Why would I with a head of hair like this?

You believe this guy?

Crazy, man.

See you later, fellas.

I think we just found
the answer to our prayers.

Boys, we're getting nowhere fast.

Now spread out
and go drum up some business.

All right.

- Go on.
- I'll go when I'm ready.

- Are you ready?
- Sure, I'm ready.

Goon.

Eight hundred and thirty thousand bucks.
We prefer it in hundreds, folks.

Wow, in the wrong hands,
this thing could be dangerous.

Guys, we've been at this for days now

and all I got is a hole in my shoe.

The kid's right.

There must be a better way to
make a living. Come on, think.

No. No.

- Look, he's on to something.
- Spit it out, tiger.

I can't! it's stuck. Jar it loose, Moe.

What about a job
where you could sleep all day,

meet beautiful babes at night

and make millions
for doing absolutely nothing.

Oh, boy! That's genius. So what's the job?

- That is the job
- Oh, that is...

- And who's going to pay you?
- The boss.

You know, it's just crazy enough to work.

Why, you... And you!

Come on in here.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, look, Moe, I think we got a customer.

Whoa!
Would you look at those getaway sticks.

Spread out.

I'm the foreman here.
What can we do for you?

I'll pay you $830,000 for a job
that won't take you more than 10 minutes.

We'll take it, who do we have to murder?

My husband.

Sorry, lady, you came to the wrong place.
We're working stiffs, not common crooks.

But you don't understand.
You will be doing him a great service.

- Says who?
- Says me.

- Who are you?
- I'm her husband.

Wait a minute, you mean to tell me,

she's planning your funeral
and you're okay with it?

Well, I know it sounds a bit peculiar.

No, no, no, that doesn't sound peculiar.
This sounds peculiar.

Phew. Okay.

My husband is suffering from

an incurable disease
that eventually will kill him.

Unfortunately, it could take a year,
possibly more.

Pain increasing daily
before I lapse into an irreversible coma.

I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah.

It's called coma-toes.

- Oh, coma-toes, huh?
- Yeah.

Are they awake now?

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

I'm sure you can understand why I prefer
to leave this world on my own terms

rather than spend the rest of my life
a vegetable.

I don't know. It sounds illegal.

Wait a minute, legs,
did you say 830,000 bucks?

I did.

That's a good day's pay.

Hey, wait a minute, fellas.

That's exactly the amount of money
we're looking for.

You're right. This must be fate, time bomb.
You can count us in.

That's swell.

Thank you.

- Now here's what we were thinking.
- Yes?

I'd like you to sneak into our bedroom
in the middle of the night

and smother me while I'm sleeping.

Yes, yes.

But do not turn on the lights.

No. No. No.

Wait a minute.
Why don't you want the lights on?

Well, I want it to be a surprise.

Oh, I get it,
you don't want to see it coming, eh?

Bingo.

Hey, look, it's the guy from that thing
all the kids are talking about.

Help. help. help!

That settles that.

- Success.
- Success.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

What did you do? That was not the plan!

What're you yacking about?

He just said he didn't want
to see it coming.

Hey, he?

You look like you could
use a grief massage.

Let it go. Let it go. Try to live in the now.

Get off me!

Too soon?

Hey, you smell garbage burning?

Ah! Ah!Ah!

What are you doing here?

We want the do-re-mi you owe us, lady.

Yeah, 830,000 bucks.

Plus meals.

May I have a moment, ma'am?

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Mind your P's and Q's.

- Don't forget to dot the I's.
- Certainly.

I'm afraid I have unfortunate news.

I've just received word
that Mr. Miosky was struck by a bus.

Oh, no! So Mac is dead?

No.

No? Are you sure?

Oh, yes.
He's still alive, but he's in bad shape.

Your husband is
in contact with the hospital.

He said he'd call with any news.

Thank you, Carbunkle.

Oh, my God.

Come on, blondie, pay up. A deal's a deal.

Our deal was that you would get paid
when my husband died.

And on that count
you have failed miserably.

You mean he's still kicking?

That's right, you idiots!

You have ruined my life,
now get out of here.

- Boy, what a hothead.
- Women!

Wait a second,

with her hubby laid out in the hospital
nursing them tire tracks,

it'll be easy pickings to slide a pillow
over the poor schlump's face

and give him the surprise send-off
he wanted.

Good thinking!
We'll be doing the guy a favor

and making enough money
to save the orphanage.

It's like killing two birds with one pillow.

- It's colossal.
- It's stupendous.

It's even mediocre.

Ow!

- Say, "Ah."
- Ah...

Come on!

Okay, you lumps.
Just keep your lips zippered.

I'll sweet-talk our way in.

Hey, bulldog, how's about being a sport...

...and letting us visit an old pal?
What do you say?

Can't you read? Visiting hours are over.

- Even for family?
- Are you family?

- Certainly.
- Oh, yeah? What's your relation?

His mother and my mother
were both mothers.

You heard me, no more visitors.

Come on.

Follow me. I got an idea.

That the best you can do?
You're scaring the customers.

I'm sorry, I didn't bring my false eyelashes.

Hey! What's the big idea?

- Mind your business.
- Ah!

No, Moe, what are you... Ooh! Ooh!

Hold still. There you go. There.

Oh!

Now go on over to that information desk
and find out where the hubby's room is.

Hurry.

Let me see that.

Ow!

Excuse me, dreamsicle,
that patient who got hit with a bus,

what room is he in?

That would be 386.

Okay, thank you.

Say! I haven't noticed
you around here before.

I like curvy woman.

Oh!

I bet you say that to all the gals.

What do you say,
me and you go out Saturday night,

grab some falafel and couple of pops? Huh?

Why wait,
when you can have a pop right now?

- How'd you make out?
- Mmm...

I don't know,
I guess we'll find out Saturday night.

- No, I mean with the...
- Look!

Hey! Stop them!

In here.

Doctor?

Excuse me,
may I have a word with these ladies?

Doctor?

Oh!

- Yes, proceed.
- Thank you.

Come on, girls,
let's get these diapers changed A-S-A-P.

The bulldog's still out there.

Well, come on.
Let's blend in till the smoke clears.

But we don't know anything about babies.

What's there to know?

You check under the hood
and if there's a leak,

you change the filter. Come on, get busy.

Ah! Triplicates!

Coochie coochie coo! Coochie coochie coo!

Ugh!

You must be French,
that's a lot of wee-wee.

All right, raise your hand,
who wants to go first?

Fine. You bat lead-off.

Here you go. You like that? We'll fix you up.

Double-crossers, eh?

Oh!

Hiya, boys. Yeah. Now who do we got?

No, Moe! Take it easy!
Let's talk this out. Come on!

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, a pea-shooter, eh?

- Yeah, I'll fix you.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hey! Where's your hypocritical oath?

Here it is.

That's it. it's on!

Freeze.

Put him down now. Real slow.

Don't do anything stupid.
This one's got a hair-trigger.

Now slide him over.

Any last words?

What is going on...

"386." Come on, this is it.

There he is.

Mongoose, turn on the tube
so nobody hears us.

Chowder-head, start smothering him
while I wedge that door shut.

All right, bed-sores, nap's over.
Time to get you some exercise.

Here we go. There we are.
All right. There we go. Yeah.

Okay.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

There. Don't go nowhere.

I thought I told you to smother him.

I am, I'm smothering him in onions.

Good thinking, Emeril.
Yeah, let me see that.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Look a kitty cat.

Well, it's been a bad week
for Lenny the Lion.

His nasty disposition
has prompted local zoo officials

to put the proud cat
an a short leash inside his pen.

Zoo employees were refusing
to clean the arnery beast's cage

after several recent close calls.

Uh-oh! He's gone!

No, he ain't. He's turtling.

We're going to need to blast.
Mutton-head, you got any dynamite?

There we go.

Fire in the neck hole. Take cover.

Nurse! Nurse!

Nurse, help!

Hey, hey, just relax, pal,
we'll have a toe tag on you in no time.

No, no, no! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Now what?

You don't need to kill me anymore.
I'm cured.

Cured? What are you babbling about,
plaster-boy?

The bus. They say
it knocked the disease right out of me.

The doctors couldn't believe it.
They say it's a miracle.

A miracle! Just our luck.

Quick, hide.

I'm telling you those bums are in here.

This is the room they were looking for.

Psst!

Get them!

Break time, ladies.

Couldn't have come fast enough.

Huddle. Boxcar 45 on three.

Break. One, two, three.

He don't look so good.

Check his pulse.

Nothing.

You mean, he's...

Not on my watch.
Quick, get me the paddles.

Clear!

it's a zombie! Run for your life!

There they are!

Uh...

Fellas, it's too high...

Why, you lame brains!

Hey, look! A fire hose.

We can lower ourselves
down to the ground.

The kid's right. it's foolproof. Come on.

Why don't you
watch where you're going, bud?

I'm sorry. 100 % my fault.

Sometimes I just
get lost in my own head and...

Moe? Larry! Curly!

- Is that you?
- Depends who's asking.

It's me, Teddo J. Harter.

- Who?
- Teddy, from the orphanage, Teddy.

You remember, Moe,
I went home with your parents.

What're you trying to pull?
The Teddy we knew was this tall

- and only had one shoe.
- Yeah, and he didn't sound like you.

Here, look.
I've got a snapshot of me and the 'rents

leaving the orphanage.

Hey, it is you!

I was wondering,
how are Moe's folks doing?

They seemed like good eggs.

Dad's doing great.
I work with him at the law firm downtown.

But Mother,
she passed on several years ago.

Hunting accident.

- Oh, sure.
- Oh, yeah.

So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you.

- Better yet, I'll tweet you.
- Ah!

Tweet us to dinner? Certainly.

Hey, wait a minute,
where are you guys living?

- You know the Ritz-Carlton on Oak Street?
- Oh, sure.

Yeah, we're camped out
in the dumpster out back.

But not the dirty, beat-up green one,
it's the shiny blue one right next to it.

Oh!

You know, I've got an idea.

Why don't you guys
come crash at my place?

Just until
you get your feet back on the ground.

- Oh, boy! That sounds terrific.
- We're not going anywhere.

What are you talking about, Moe?

Thanks, Teddy bear,
but we're going to stay put.

We got too many irons in the fire right now.

Of course you do.

Hey, look, I got to get going,
I'm supposed to be visiting a friend.

Wait. Let's get a quick pic first.

- What is that gadget?
- This is an iPhone.

EVE-phone?

Hello? Hello? There's nobody there.

It works better on your ear.
Here, come on everybody.

- Where do you think you're going?
- Here, let me get...

Smile.

That's great.
It's so good to see you guys, really.

You haven't changed a bit.

You got rocks in your head?
Teddy was trying to help us out

and you blew him off. What gives?

We'll help ourselves out.

Well, what about the orphanage?
Teddy's dad has dough.

Maybe he would've given us
the 800,000 bucks.

We don't need handouts from that chump.

We told those kids
we'd come up with the cash

and that's just what we're going to do.

Yeah, how?

Well, we still got that seed money,
don't we?

- Seed money?
- The cash Mother Superior gave us.

This 72 bucks is our ticket to riches.

Riches! How do you figure?

Well, it's seed money, right?
What do you do with seeds?

Spit them out.

You plant them. We'll become farmers.

Farmers? I always wanted to be a farmer.

- To the farm.
- To the farm.

To the farm.

A farming we will go

A farming we will go

A farming we will go
A farming we will go

Lydia, you won't believe who I saw today.

Huh?

I said,
you won't believe who I ran into today.

I can't hear you, honey,
what are you saying?

When I visited Mac at the hospital today,

I wasn't paying attention and I literally

ran into these three guys
I haven't seen since I was a kid.

Yeah, that's nice.

Are you okay, pudding?

I'm fine.

Anyway, I'm thinking of inviting them
to our anniversary party.

Yeah,
they look like they're a lot of fun.

Here's a little drink for you, Elsie.

Jonesie, you have to hold still
in order to get a drink.

Hello, Maritza,
you're getting your color back.

Ralphie don't look so good.

Poor guy's drying out.

Oh! Good for you, Ralphie, realizing
there's a problem is half the battle.

Hey, look, our first customer.

What are you doing?

Only selling the finest farm-raised salmon
in the county, that's all.

Yeah, they're all free-range.
No nets, no cages.

They can go wherever they want.

Plus we have smoked salmon.

But this is a golf course.

So what? We let them play through.

- What's your beef?
- Yeah, we're trying to save an orphanage.

Look, are you here to buy fish
or are you just kicking the tires?

Hey! Do your job. Cart path only.

I'll cart path you, you little...

it's the 5-0! Scram!

You again!

Oh, my back!

Stop right there.

Got you!

Hold still.

What's a matter with you? Come on, you.

Yah! Yah, mule! Yah!

Whoa! Easy, Seabiscuit, easy.

We're trapped like rats.

Speak for yourself, rodent.

We're going to need a battering ram.

- You go that way. I'll go this way.
- Okay.

Heave-Ho!

Heave-ho!

Oh! Fellas, ease up,
you're squeezing my ankles too tight.

Quit your whining.

Ho!

That was a close one.

What is that? What's with the light?

I got a better question,

why didn't we go live with Teddy
when we had the chance?

Now we got no Teddy,
no seed money, no nothing.

Yeah, shame on you, Moe.
You put your pride ahead of them kids.

How dare you accuse me of having pride!

Back off.

I won't.

Okay, kid, you got me.

You know, I'm proud of you
for finally standing up for yourself.

Let's shake on it. There you go.

Get out of here.

- This is all your fault.
- Me?

Sneaking up on me, eh? And you.

Get over here.

What's a matter with you?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Why you...

Moe, not that! Anything but that!

Why you! There you go!

There you go.

Get up there!

All right.

Why you!

Stop it! Stop it, Moe! I've had it with you.

You are the cause of all of our problems
since day one.

How do you figure?

You should have gone and lived
with Teddy's folks

back when they wanted to adopt you.

That way you could have come back
and helped us all out.

But no! The great and powerful Moe
is too lazy to squeegee the pool.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, no?

Why do you think
we never got another shot

at getting adopted again?

It's because
when you messed it up that day,

you messed it up for all of us.

If you two got ants in your pants,
then why don't you just leave?

I'm getting sick and tired
of looking at your monkey-faces anyhow.

Being with you two is like dragging around
a couple of boat anchors.

Well, fine.

Then...

Goodbye, Moe.

Yeah. Goodbye.

Well, what are you waiting for?
Go on, scram!

I bet you two earthworms
won't last a day without me.

Hmph!

Bravo. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

What an original way to showcase
your personality. By putting on a skit.

- Very smart.
- Huh?

That is exactly what we're looking for.

Someone who's not afraid of confrontation.

Who's passionate about his opinions,
right or wrong.

That's what America craves.

What are you flapping about?

Oh! He's beautiful.

Congratulations, sir,

you are the newest cast member

of the world's number-one-rated
reality show.

90 % of fall our treats, folks.

We got chocolate, vanilla, strawberry.

No reasonable offer will be refused.

It's remarkable, it's refreshing.

it's repulsive.

What was that for?

I told you we'd need more ice.

Hey, look, a zoo. What do you say
we go in and chisel a lunch?

All right.

What are you waiting for?
Just go in there and do it.

What are you crazy, el pollo loco,
in the head?

I can't just walk in the main gates
and shoot them.

There's people in there. There's protesters.
There's cameras everywhere.

Okay, just give me the gun
and I'll do it myself.

Why do you gotta do that, huh?

Why do you gotta turn everything
into me being a weakling?

I'm not being weak.

I'm being smart.

Oh, yeah.

The polar bear is found
mainly in the Arctic Circle

and the adjacent land masses

as far south as Newfoundland island.

The male bear you're looking at
weighs over 1,000 pounds

and can become quite aggressive.

When hungry, these bears devour
large amounts of food rapidly.

Despite its fluffy fur and teddy-bear look

the polar bear is actually

one of the most ruthless,
predatory carnivores on the planet.

I'm worried about Moe.

You and me, we're survivors,

but Moe, I ain't sure
he's got the right social skills.

Yeah, I'm worried, too.

I don't know
how he's going to fit in out there.

Just look at his haircut.
People must think he's insane.

Yeah.

Wait, wait.

Give me a boost.

No!

Hold on, don't push!

And hurry UP!

Penguins?

No?

Good kitty.

I have a gun.

Don't make me use it.

Hey, little fella, you want a peanut?

Dolphins love peanuts, you know.

Here you go. Catch.

Oh, my God! I think he's snufficating.

Don't worry, pal,
I know the Heineken maneuver.

Yeah.

It ain't working.

I'm coming.

You're doing it wrong. Get out of the way.

I thought I saw a pussy cat.

I did. I did.

Come on. Come on. Come on, boy.

Who's king of the forest now?

- The five times...
- You paid...

Get crazy, get wild
Let's party, get loud

If you wanna have fun...

Have you ever seen this show?

Hmm?

No.

it's a hoot.

Let's party get loud

If you wanna have fun and do something
If you wanna have fun and do something

Get crazy get wild

What the...

That's him.

That's who, dear?

That's Moe! He's on TV!

- How's that Whynatte?
- That is my fourth or fifth.

- What kind of flavor?
- I like coffee, too.

Hey, I'm heading out to 7-Eleven,
anyone up for some gummy warms?

Yeah, maybe if they were soaked in vodka.

By the way, why are you even an our show?

You look like a stretched-out meatball.

Did not Mae tell you
that he '5 using our little program

as a launching pad to make a lot' of paper
to save homeless orphan babies?

Good luck. This guy can't even
buy the right kind of grated cheese.

I asked for Romano, not Parmesan,
you monk.

- Oh! You don't like that cheese
- No.

Let's see what we can do about that.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Haw about some aged cheddar,
tough guy. Come on.

What are you, crazy? That's assault.

Here '5 your pepper. Shut up.

- My man!
- Who asked you, muscle-head?

Moe! You can't just
go around hitting people!

- No, well, can I do this?
- Ow!

Hmm... Hare bouquet.

Are you kidding me? Who does this?

Need some help, folks,
looking for our missing friend.

$3.50 reward. Dead or alive.

Here you are, pal, we're missing our pal.

Hey, get over there and staple up
the rest of these flyers on the pronto.

Aah! Thanks a lot, buddy,
now I got a hole in my head.

Quit screwing with the public.

Cut it out!
Who do you think you are, huh?

Oh, I see.

When Moe slugs you, it's okay,

but when Larry does it,
it's not good enough.

No, no, no, Larry, it's good enough,
it's just that...

You're not doing it right.

When Moe hits me,
it's just better, you know?

You got rocks in your head.
I'm hitting you just the same.

No, you're not. You do this.

And Moe does this.

And Moe doesn't do this.

He does this.

You see?

Ah, you're right.

Come on, think.

Where would we go if we was Moe?

Home.

Home.

Yeah.

{SINGING} Lord, I feel like going home

Where is everybody?

I've tried and I failed and I'm tired and weary

Hello?

Anybody home?

Hi, I'm Al Cerrone,
four- wheel drive SUVs just like this,

with a gas-saving, six-cylinder engine,

only 3' 19,995.

And pick-ups, automatic and air,
only $16,000.

Sister Ricarda.

Boys, what are you doing here?

We've been looking everywhere for Moe.
Have you seen him?

Yeah. I see him almost every night on TV.

He's on that Jersey beach-people show.

You didn't know?

Moe's a big celebrity now.

Oh!

Good for him.

Yeah.

Looks like he didn't need us after all.

So what happened here?
Where are all the kids?

They're closing us down on Monday,

so we had to start moving everyone out.

But we told you to wait.
We were going to get the money.

You got the money?

We got the money?

Well, no.

But we're working on it.

- Oh!
- Oh!

At least you tried.

- Peez!
- Peez!

Thank God you're still here.

They tried to shoo me out,

but I told them
I wasn't leaving without her.

Without who?

Murph?

I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.

Why isn't she in a hospital?

Well...

I'll tell you why.

Because we don't have
any medical insurance.

You should get some.
Just call that little green alligator guy.

Okay, that's it. I've had it with you.

Do you want to know why
we have no medical insurance?

It's because you wombats have caused
so many accidents over the years,

there's not a company on this earth
that will cover us

until we pay the $830,000
we owe for previous claims.

And that's why we're being closed down.

That's enough, Sister.

Wait. You mean the orphanage is closing

because of us?

Check it out, Larry, Curly,

you're responsible for that.

You are and that other moron.

Oh!

Sorry, excuse me.

Yes?

No, no, I want it with custard
not whipped cream.

I ordered an éclair not a Twinkie.

You know it's funny how freedom
can make us feel contained

Is that what you think? Shut up.

- Hey, Moe!
- You, too. Here '5 another one.

Hiya, Sneak, I got you a present.

Really? For me?

- Yeah, go on, open it.
- Okay y.

Ow!

I 'Il just wait here
and listen to you when you speak

Or scream

And every day that you want to waste
That you want to waste, you can

And every day that you want to wake up...

Why you...

Now, there you go.

And every day that you want to waste...

Why you...

You see that?

You see that?

Business!

Why you...

Why you...

And every day that you want to waste...

Kickham, Harter and Indagroyne,
may I help you?

Yes, I'll connect you now.

Oh! I'm sorry, sir,

but the clown college is on the ninth floor.

Oh, no, I'm here to see Teddy Harter.

Tell him it's his old pal, Larry,
from the orphanage.

Oh, Teddo's not here.

He's out making arrangements
for his anniversary party.

All right, then can I speak to his old man?

Mr. Harter is at lunch,
but he should be back soon.

- Nice glasses.
- Thank you.

You got a little spot there.
Let me help you out.

Here you are. Good as new.

By the way, do not lick those.
lam just getting over pink eye.

Mr. Harter.

Just the guy I wanted to see.

I'll take the case. Please tell me
it was Supercuts who did this to you.

No, it's me, Larry.

Moe, Larry, Curly, remember?

From the orphanage.

Oh, my goodness.

Congratulations, you're still in remission.

So, what brings you here?

Look, I'll cut to the chase, moneybags.
We're in a jam.

The orphanage needs $830,000,
or it's going belly up.

Plus, we got a sick kid
getting fitted for angel wings.

Terrific, so who do we sue?

Oh, no, there's no one to sue.

- We need you to give us the money.
- Yeah.

But we're not looking
for a handout, mind you.

We'll work off every last penny
right herein these halls.

Yeah. Look, I'm sorry, but I'm committed
to several other charities,

and besides, I don't have
that kind of money just laying around,

but if you decide to sue the orphanage,
I'm in.

Mr. H, please...

I know what you're thinking,
that we're both lazy bums like Moe,

but we're not.

Some of us aren't afraid
to get our hands dirty.

What? No. I never thought of Moe as lazy.

it's all right.

That slug told us the whole story
about why you dropped him back off.

Well, I can assure you it had
nothing to do with his work ethic.

He was 10.

No, what happened was, he wanted us
to go back for you two,

and frankly it was just too much for us.

Wait. You mean

he wouldn't go without us?

No, he wouldn't.

He was very adamant about wanting us
to adopt all three of you

and it was just out of the question,
you understand.

Anywho, gotta skedaddle.
Late for a meeting.

But if you ever do want to sue anyone
for anything,

a slip in the tub, a bone in the fish,

I'm your guy

Hey.

Who's this lady?

That's Teddo's wife, Lydia.

Teddy's wife?

Yup.

She's one lucky girl.

Then who's the guy on the end?

Oh! That's Teddo's best friend, Mac.

Then who's Mister Fancy Pants
in the top hat and scarf?

That's a snowman.

Yeah, but what's his name?

Yeah.

Now look, either you kick Moe off the show

or we're suing him!

Like, with a lawyer.

Court sounds okay to me.

You know, we could probably do
a cross-promotion with Lockup.

Great, just great.

So basically what you're saying
is this whole show is all about the ratings?

Uh... Yeah.

Unbelievable.

Just because she's wearing a genius hat
doesn't mean she is one.

Hey!

Onion-head. Porcupine!

- Oh, fellas.
- Moe!

Sorry, boss, I couldn't stop them.

It's all right, Johnnie,
you're good, you're good.

Look, Moe, we owe you an apology.

No, fellas, I'm the one
who owes you the apology.

I know sometimes
I tend to fly off the handle.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

No, it's just that
you get a little upset and you...

Shut up when I'm apologizing.

We don't have time for that.
Teddy's in a jam.

You know that woman
who wanted us to take out her husband?

She's married to Teddy.

No wonder she wanted us
to smother him in his sleep.

I knew I smelled a...

A rat!

That's no rat. it's Nippy.

How you doing, buddy?
I missed you, too, Nipps.

Come on, we got work to do.

We got to get to Teddy
before his wife does.

Come on.

Come on, Romeo.

Are you kidding me?

There's three of them?

I don't get you, Lydia.

Why would you throw
a big anniversary party for Teddo?

- I thought we were trying to kill the guy.
- We are.

I just want lots of witnesses

for when that dope accidently falls
head first from the balcony.

Oh!

Well,

you two are certainly looking rather cozy.

Good Lord, Mac,
what happened to your face?

New kitty.

I'm going to go and freshen up my drink.

Okay.

Mrs. Harter, may we please go upstairs
and play in Teddo's game room?

No. You can't go upstairs.

Teddo is busy entertaining
some of my bridge club friends.

Go! Play with the balloons.

But my stupid brother popped
all the balloons. This is the last one.

We can get more balloons.

Carol, go get more balloons.

Yes, ma'am.

Madam. Madam.

Sir, madam.

No! No!

Now, we got to... Whoa! Whoa!

What's a matter with you?
You had the rudder.

Don't you know how to drive?

It just went out of control.

- What kind of poodles are those anyway?
- Standard.

There's your problem.
I can't drive a standard.

You blithering idiots.
What do you think you're doing?

Out of the way, 3PO, we gotta get Teddy.

Ow!

This is an invitation-only party.

Now, good day!

Great, now what are we going to do?

Pierre. Send those balloon men in
as soon as they get here.

Will do.

That's our cue, boys. Come on.

Balloon men coming through.

Out of our way, these things are heavy.

There you go, crusher.

- I don't see him anywhere.
- I smell lobster.

Okay you two,
now spread out and look for Teddy.

And remember,
a man's life is at stake here.

- Ah! Here you are, short stack.
- Thanks, mister.

Ah!

You're up, pal.

No thanks. My, that's an interesting

haircut.

Ah! Thanks, but it's not without some help.

I have a great deal of product in there.

Hey! Where are your manners?

Attaboy.

Mmm.

Ah!

- How's the dip?
- Here try it for yourself.

Mmm.

Aspen is so yesterday.

This season
we're thinking of going to Banff.

Hey, JumboTron,
you seen Teddy anywhere?

No, I haven't. How rude.

Pardon me.

- What are you grub worms doing?
- Getting seconds on lobster.

Seconds? I thought lobster
upset your stomach.

I dipped it in pesto-bismol.

Oh! You like dipping, eh? Come here.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Look, it's Santy Claws. Claws!

What did I tell you about puns?

- Ooh!
- Ah!

Excuse me, I go.

What are you, trying to
get us thrown out of here? I'll fix you.

No, Moe, no, where is your dignity?

Hold still, mister, I'll get it.

One second.

Those three idiots are here.

The Kardashian girls? Where are they?

The three bums. They crashed the party.

Oh, God! We got to get them out of here
before they ruin everything.

Madame!

May I present to you my masterpiece.

Oh, yes!

Somebody, help her!

Mommy!

Think of something, lame brains.

Hey, look. A balloon popper.

I'll get it.

What's the matter with you?
That's a kid up there.

Where's your gun safety?

That was awesome!

No!

Mon gâteau!

Come on, fellas. Pardon me.

Hey, fellas, wait up!

Come on.

Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy,
what's the matter?

- Come on, boy, speak to me.
- Who are you?

- It's us, it's Moe...
- Larry.

And Curly.

Guys? What are you doing here?

All right, buddy, we got you now.

Hey, Mac. Oh, honey,

thanks so much
for inviting the boys behind my back.

That ain't the only thing
she's doing behind your back.

Yeah, she wanted us to
smother you in your sleep.

And now it looks like
she slipped you some knock-out juice.

Lydia, what are they talking about?

Honey, I am as confused as you are.

All I know
is that these men crashed our party,

and when we tried to remove them,
they start acting crazy.

Teddy, you've known us
since you were a baby.

Why, we were the ones who taught you
how to play with matches.

We treated you like a little brother.
Why would we lie to you now?

Wait, Lydia...

Why am I still in bed
if the party's going on?

I'll tell you why.

Oh, Mac...

Don't even think about it, Mac.

Real slow now, drop it to the floor.

Not a problem.

Good work, Dad.

I had a feeling something was going on.
But you, Mac?

I mean, you were my best pal!
Why would you do that?

It wasn't my idea.
She was calling the shots. I swear.

No, Mac,

I was calling the shots.

I suggest we finish this discussion
in a more secluded place

so as not to ruin the party.

Yes, after all it is my anniversary.

Ouch.

I don't get it.
Why did it have to come to this, Dad?

Well, son, I didn't get rich
simply by lawyering.

I married into it.

Unfortunately, when your mom
passed away,

she left everything to you.

So you were just using me
to do your dirty work.

Oh, you cracked the code.

What's so funny, Butterbean?

Nothing, Nippy's whiskers are tickling me.

Who's Nippy?

Him.

Take it out!

Open the door!

Shoot the window out!

No! it's wet!

Why would you let the gun get wet?

When possible, make a legal U-turn.

How long will the air last?

Maybe five minutes if we stay calm.

We gotta break a window.

It's impossible.

There's 1,000 pounds of water
pressing against that glass.

Great, great!
How could this possibly get any worse?

I'm sorry, I guess the pesto-bismol
didn't help with the lobster.

Did you eat the shells again?

I don't know.
It was on the plate and then it wasn't.

Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?

No.

All I got are these stupid, easy-light,
waterproof safety matches.

Why you... Give me that!

- Everybody close your eyes!
- Maybe that's not such a...

Come on, come on,
what's it gonna take, huh?

Come on, what's it gonna take?
Let's make a deal.

- Shut up!
- You shut up.

I'll sing like a canary.
You name them, I'll blame them.

I don't care.

It's ironic, isn't it?

Here I am, the so-called lucky one
who got adopted

and yet I never could find the one thing
that you three have always had.

You're happy with yourselves
and with each other. That's a real blessing.

So what can I do
to pay you guys back for saving my life?

Funny you should ask.

Can you give us 830,000 bucks
to save the orphanage?

No.

That guy that adopted me?

He shipped me off to military school
when I was seven.

And then he just tried to murder me
and run off with my wife.

And you expect me to just give money

to the women
who handed me over to that monster?

I'm sorry, guys, I would do anything
for those kids and you guys,

but I can't do that.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me, Mr. Harter, could you
come over here and give us a statement?

Yeah.

Right this way.

Donut remover!

When you're last
in the rain in Juarez

And it's Easter time, too

And your gravity fails
And negativity don't pull you through

Dan't put an any airs...

We sure botched this one pretty good.

What else is new?

I wonder what happened to Murph
and Peez and the rest of the gang.

I sure do miss those guys.

Why it's almost like I can still hear
the sweet childhood sounds of laughter

and swimming and tennis.

I know what you mean.

Wait a minute,
we didn't have swimming and tennis.

And we didn't have laughter.

Hey, fellas, look!

Yes!

When you got nine teammates,
you gotta pass it. You gotta pass it.

Sister Bernice?

That's it!
I told you one at a time on that board.

You all just lost your diving privileges
for the rest of the day!

The party's over, you little water weasels!

What's going on here?

Oh, crud!

Come on.

- Hiya, Sister.
- Hello, morons.

Hey! Moe, Larry, Curly!

Hey, guys.

- Hey. what's going on?
- How are you guys? Hey!

Oh, boy, did we miss you, guys!

- Welcome home, guys.
- You look great, Murph.

That's because she's not sick anymore.

It turns out
I just had some form of metal poisoning.

Nobody listens to me.

I told you
there's too much iron in the water.

Boys! Where have you been?
We've been looking for you everywhere.

Well, I guess we just didn't have the nerve
to come back and tell you

we failed.

You didn't fail! Look at our new home!

New home? Who paid for all this?

You did!

Huh?

The kid's right.
The money's coming out of your pocket.

Sorry, slick,
but we don't have that kind of dough.

Oh, you will.

See, the network has taken the liberty
of paying off the orphanage's debts

and building the new complex.
Think of it as an advance.

All's you gotta do is sign right here, boys.

And you three will be the stars
of our next big reality show,

Nuns Versus Nitwits. What do you say?

Oh. gee!

I always wanted to be a nun.

Oh! And by the way, the Jersey Share kids
pitched in for the down payment.

Hey, everybody.

- Oh! Hey, Teddy.
- Hi, Teddy.

Gather round, everyone.
I have an announcement to make.

Teddy and his fiancée, Ling,

have just discovered that
our Lord and Savior has left her barren.

So they have decided to adopt.

Hoy! Hoy! Hoy! Hoy! Hoy!

Spread out!

Pick me.
I promise I'll go this time without any fuss.

Oh! I'm sorry, boys, but they've
already decided who they're adopting.

So, how about it, Murph?
Will you be a part of our family?

Are you serious, dude? Me?

And you're not even getting paid?

Oh! Um...

Sorry, mister,
your offer is very nice and all,

but I think you better pick someone else.

It's okay, Murph,

you should go.

This is your big break.

Not a chance, kid. Not without you.

Well, I guess we'll just have to take
all three of you.

What three?
I was just talking about me and Peez.

Well, yeah, of course,

but there's also the kid that we just sprang
from the foster home across town.

Peezer.

Weezer!

Pack your bags,
you three. it's time to go home.

Three cheers for the boys.

- Hip, hip, hooray!
- Oh, please!

- Hip, hip, hooray!
- Hooray!

- Hip, hip hooray!
- Hooray!

Gee, it sure feels good
to not louse things up for once.

Oh, you said it.

Oh!

I'm gonna mash your heads like potatoes.

Hey, fellas, wait! Wait up!

Whoa! Whoa!
How do you steer this thing? Oh, boy!

- Hello, everyone, I'm Bob Farrelly.
- And I'm Pete Farrelly.

And we're the guys that made the movie
you just watched.

We want you to know that all the stunts
that were performed in our film,

they were done by professionals.
And all the tools,

are not real. They're rubber.

Watch this.

Now, let's watch that with sound effects.

Pretty cool.

Remember that sledgehammer scene?
That, too, made out of rubber.

Fake, isn't that right, Bobby?

That's right, Pete.

See. He didn't get hurt.

Remember the eye poke?

Now let's look at that again in slow motion.

Kids, do not poke anyone in the eye.
It's very dangerous.

The point is,
this movie is all about fun and games.

So please play safe at home.

Thank you.