The Three Muscatels (1991) - full transcript

Richard Pryor stars in this parody of The Three Musketeers follows a coed who falls asleep while reading the book and dreams about a trio of swashbuckling heroes.

(dramatic music)

(upbeat hip hop music)

- Oh (sighs).

- En garde, you thief!

- Grow up.

- I said, en garde.

- You big kid, let me
just borrow your shorts,

just for one day?

- No.

- Well, if I shall
win this fight,

I will keep the shorts, right?

- But what if you lose, huh?

- I will clean your room.

- Okay.

Ha, en garde.
- En garde.

- You will clean this
room, you slime bucket.

- I shall not.

(Donna groans)

- You cheated.

- (laughs) You
don't mess with me.

- Greedy.

- I am a Bon Viant (grunts).

- Donna, you're going to be
late for school again, girl.

- Thank you for the shorts.

- Ah.

- Good morning, Mom.

- [Josephine] Good
morning, honey.

Did you finish your term paper?

- Mm-hmm, where's Dad?

- [Josephine] He had
to go in early today.

- Hey, Mom.

- [Josephine] Don't bounce
that ball in my kitchen, boy.

- Okay, shorty.

- I see you been
winning, though.

- Hey, Ma, look what I painted.

- It's beautiful.

It's beautiful.
- You like that?

- Hang it in my room.

- Yeah, you wish, this oughta
be in a gallery, not a zoo.

- Ha, cheap shot, Pete.

- I'm late, I'm outta here.

- Move, Thadius.

- [Thadius] And I want
my shorts back, too.

- Forget you.

- Good morning, Mom.

- Good morning, Thadius.

- Hey, Pete, nice picture, man.

- Thanks.

- Hey, you guys want
to show Mom that dance?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, alright.

- Alright, okay, here we go.

On three, alright?
- Okay.

- Alright, one, two, three.

♪ We are the great Bon
Viant brothers (grunt)

- Ooh, I like that (laughs).

- Whoa, you're running
late again, aren't you?

- Yeah, Dad, what are
you doing back here?

- I forgot some papers.

- Okay, I'll see you later.

- Okay.

- [Andre] Hey, hold
on, hold on, hold on.

- What, where were
you last night?

- Told ya I had something
to do, I'm sorry, alright?

- I don't want to hear that.
- Hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Right on then.

- What's wrong, baby?

- Settle down, settle
down, settle down.

Settle down, settle down.

Settle down, settle down.

Settle down.

Settle down.

- Psst.

- I assume you all have
your term papers ready?

- Yes.
- Oh, yes, sir, yes.

- Uh, you can pull mine out
that picnic blanket you got on.

(students laughing)

- Andrew?

- It's Andre, man.
(girl retching)

- Andre, comment
wasn't necessary.

- There ain't nothing
wrong with her.

- [Woman] Morning sickness.

- You may be excused.

(students laughing)
(chattering and jeering)

- [Fluffy] She's known for
faking and shaking, man.

- Wasn't it the one that goes.

- Oh, yeah!
- What's up, man?

(students chattering
and laughing loudly)

- Settle down, settle down.

Can anyone tell me
anything they've learned

about the 17th century?


- Professor Langford, you
know, the blacks in France--

♪ Kick it, buh-buh-buh
black, black people

- [Victor] Andre, please.

- Just tryin' to help
him out, man, that's all.

- [Victor] He does
not need your help.

Please continue, Isaac.

- I said, blacks in France,
(students snickering)

must have had a lot
of fun in those days.

- Isaac, we know you would've
had fun in those days.

You would've had a
castle full of women.

- Isaac, you would have
worn that old castle out,

running from room to room.

- [Students] Ooh!

- But Isaac doesn't
really need a castle.

He could just pretend,
right, Cynthia?

- I guess.

- You guess, talking
about, I guess.

See, that's what's wrong
with you all nappy-head,

sausage-lip, funky-drawers girl.

- Whoo.
- Fillin' those

bubble-head boys' minds with
all them more happy thoughts.

- Shut up!

- No, you shut up,
sound like a machine gun

and spitting on me, man.

(students laughing)

- Oh, no, let me
tell you something.

I had a grandfather and he had
no problem with stuttering.

I had a cousin named Jose
who had three kids, three,

and no problem ever, but
they had a dog named Pepi,

all the time, all the time
(imitates dog baying),

stutter all the
time, all of them.

And then we had another dog--

- And you talk too much.

- Right.
- She told you.

- Got you.
- Shut up, man.

- Anyway, how you
gonna get any women

when you can't even

(students laughing)

See now, me, y'all know if
I'd been living in those days,

I'd have had all the fine
ladies, 'cause y'all know,

I'm a smooth operator.

- Yeah.

- You aint' nothing
but a smooth criminal,

and give back that
chain you stole.

My brother's gonna
kick your butt.

- Naw, your brother's gonna
mess around and kick the bucket,

messing with me.

- Please, punk,
gimme back the chain.

- Think you better
go sit down, alright?

Come on, girl.
- You stole that.

You make me sick.

- Told ya, I got this
from my grandmother

when she was on her deathbed.

- You lying dog, you stole it.

- I got it, it's mine, I got it.

- You stole it.

- Criminals like you get put
away for a long time, brother.

- I know that's right.

- You better watch
your mouth, sucker.

You don't talk about
my friends like that.

(students laughing jeering)

- Girlfriend.
- Ooh!

- Stop it, stop it, Donna,
come to my desk, please.

- That's what you get.
- She's always going

to the desk.
- Always up there.

- Yeah.
- Here we go.

- Why were you late?

- Well, I wasn't
gonna come at all

because I forgot
about the due date,

and I was hoping you'd
give me some more time.

- You mean to tell me you
have the unmitigating gall,

the audacity, the
effrontery to tell me

something you've had a month
to prepare is not completed?

- Yes, I've been so
busy with dance lessons.

Please, be understanding.

- I assume you're going to do
your thesis on the great work

of Alexandre Dumas,
The Three Musketeers.

- I saw the movie.

- Donna, don't be
foolish, read the book

to get the true essence
of this black man's story.

- He was black?

- Of course he was black.

- [Woman] Donna, I knew that.

- You didn't know
nothing, shut up.

- Of course you know it
now, I just told you.

Donna, I'm going to excuse
you from this class,

but I want you to go
the Renaissance library

and get to work, and
by tomorrow morning,

I want a completed paper
on my desk by 8:00 a.m.

You hear that, Donna,
8:00 a.m., is that clear?

- Yes, sir, and I promise
you, I'll get an A.

(Andre laughing)
- Thief.

I'll see y'all later.
(hand slaps)

(students jeering)
- Hey, where you going?

- Why is Miss Prissy
so privileged?

She gets to come
late and leave early.

- That's right.
- All the time.

- Come on, you guys, she
really is a nice person.

- [Class] Oh, shut up, Cynthia.

- [Fluffy] Old nappy-head girl.

- Just a minute, Miss Bon Viant.

Now where do you
think you're going?

- I'm going to the library.

- Oh, I just bet.

Now, you are always getting
privileges, leaving class early,

and let me tell you
something, I'm sick of it.

Sick of it, sick, sick, sick!

Now your parents were
some of the best students

at this institution.

They also contribute
to this school.

Now what's wrong with you?

- I'm trying, Dean
Baltimore, I'm really trying.

- Well, let's just see
how hard you can try.

I want you to meet me

in my office this
afternoon, understood?

- Yes, Dean.

(man laughs)

Oh, shut up.

- And what are you
laughing at, young man?

- Man, I'm just going to class.

- [Baltimore] I will
make sure you get there.

- [Man] Hey, let
go of my threads.

- [Baltimore] What's
wrong with you?

- Look, can we talk
about this thing

just one more time, please?

- You never do what you
say you're gonna do.

What have you done
for me lately?

- What have I done
for you lately?

- I don't want to
discuss it anymore.

- But wait a minute, baby,
let's talk about this thing,

just one more time.

- [Donna] What's up, Big Al?

- Hi, Donna, I'm the king!

- You're the king, alright.

- Don't talk to him,
he's just an old drunk.

- He's alright,
Estelle, see you later.

- [Estelle] Scumbucket dog.

- Old hag, I am the king,

so you better count
your blessings.

(upbeat hip hop music)

- [Donna] Leave me alone.

- [Charles] Girl.

- Move, just go away.

What are you doing here?

- I followed you.

- You are really pathetic.

- Excuse me, miss, is this
the Renaissance library?

- [Donna] Yes, sir.

- Thank you.

- Look, I said it before
and I'll say it again.

I'm not gonna date you
or any other boxer,

or any kind of athlete.

- Donna, don't forget
about rehearsal tonight.

- Oh, don't, don't
categorize all athletes

as being irresponsible
and stupid.

- That's what you are,
go date Sharon LeBlue.

- I don't want her, I want you.

- I don't want to
hear it, just move.

Go date Sharon LeBlue
or some other girl.

She's always at
your boxing matches.

- I don't want her, I want you.

- I don't care, just move.

- [Charles] Aw, girl,
give a guy a break.

- You've got it, fag.

- Oh, you just
can't be nice, huh?


(upbeat music)

- Hey, hey, no, no, uh-uh,
hey, this is my spot.

This is my spot, there's
a little scribble on it.

That's my name, Russell,
Russell, that's me.

- Whew, your breath is stinking.

- What, what, you smell my
breath from way over there?

- Yes, I do.

- Well, ooh, alright,
fine, fold your legs.

- What are you drinking?

- The muscatel, this the best
wine east of the Mississippi.

- They still making that stuff?

- Yeah, I hope so,
I'm drinking it.

You want some?

- [Donna] No, thank
you, just leave.

I'm trying to do a
book report right now.

- You doin' a report in my spot.

Keep the spot, I don't
want to be dukin' it out

with no lady, so you stay here,

and I'll just find somewhere
else to lay down, okay?

- Just don't start snoring.

- You the one with the bean
dip, baby, don't start farting.

- [Donna] Please
just go somewhere.

- (hums) Get me a nap, baby.

Oh, there we go, legs
now, there go one.

Let me tell ya, I...

- I mean it, don't
start snoring.


I knew you were gonna
start that snoring.

You're right, he said quietly,
I've never been in love.

Stony-hearted fellows like
you have no right to be hard

on poor, soft-hearted fools
like us, said d'Artagnan.

Soft hearts, broken
hearts, muttered Athos.

What's that you're saying?

I'm saying that love's a lottery

in which the prize is death.

You're very lucky to have
lost, d'Artagnan, believe me.

And if you're wise, you'll
take care always to lose.

(peaceful music)

- Drink up, my friends.

(peaceful music)

Oh, oopsy-daisy!

Come on, my friends,
one more time.

One more time.

(men muttering and
chattering quietly)

(bodies thudding)

He'll rather drink here.

Wait, don't talk, my
friends, let's drink.

Come, we drink.

You two gentlemen are
the only ones left

who can drink with Russell.

You like the muscatel, so
I have a reward for you.

Hats, I have a hat
for each of you, ha!

This man, come forward, my
friend, take off your hat.

Here, on sale,
here's a hat for you.

It is nice, okay?

- Uh-huh-huh-huh!

- (laughs) For muscatel!

Come, my friend, for
you, stand up, be brave.

I will make you a Muscatel.

I honorary christen you a
Muscatel, take off your hat.

(Victor laughs)

There you go, monsieur.

It's very good, you
men are very brave.

I can tell you are
looking for adventure.

- Oui, oui.

- I'd like to help you.

I have a friend in
Spain, King Nacho.

His daughter has been
kidnapped and is lost.

(laughs) I thought maybe
you gentlemen could help.

- Do you think
we'll get a reward?

- Yes, I do believe
you will get money.

- Ah, I think we should
be off, John (laughs).

- Then be on your way, be
adventurous, my friends.

I tell you, they don't
make men like they used to.

Superb, the fools will go

and help return this
kidnapped daughter.

You see, if Russell's
muscatel doesn't kill you,

it will make you brave.

Oh well, since it
was my muscatel

that got these two started,

I am going to tell the story.

The two brave men, Victor
Langford and John Bon Viant,

rode off furiously to
rescue the princess,

but first he encountered
some mean Spanish bandits.

- Stop, who goes there?

- [John and Victor]
The Muscatels.

- [Bandits] The Muscatels?

- Yes, and we're looking
for the princess Josephine.

- The princess Josephine,
huh, she's not here.

She's a long way from here,

in our leader Juan
Perez's hideout.

- [John] Then we shall go
a long ways to find her.

- You must get past us first.

Dismount and fight like men.

- Shall we?

- We shall.

- [Both] En garde.

(upbeat music)

- I'm not a fool,
I'm out of here.

- Come back and
fight, you coward.

- Wait, come back,
wait, hold on,

hold on, wait, come
back, wait, hold on.

- [Russell] The Muscatels
chased the cowardly bandit

until the next day.

- You stole my horse.

- You want some cheese,
princess, hmm? (laughs)

- My general, all are
lost, we were attacked.

- Attacked?

- Attacked.

- Who dare attack my men?

- (gasping) Two.

- Two, two what?

- 200, my general,
or maybe more.

- Hmm, must have been
King Nacho's men,

looking for his daughter.

- Must have been, my general.

- How did you escape?

- We had a great fight,
my general, killing many.

I had this plan that
if the enemy struck me

with the slightest blow, I
would fall, ooh, ooh, ah,

and play dead and later escape
and bring the news to you.

But I was fighting so fiercely,

the men could not touch me.

Therefore, I had to trip
myself and crawl under a body

and play dead, my general.

- Good acting,
Carlos, good acting.

You are a fierce fighter
and should be rewarded.

- Well, thank you, my general.

I kill many more next time.

- Were you followed?

- Who, me, Carlos
(laughs) the Fierce?

- I know you, they are
probably right behind you.

Ah, get the princess,
let's get out of here

before they find us.

- Shh, I think I hear them now.

- Oh, what am I doing, cheese
and bread, I'll eat there.

(Josephine groans)

- Stop, you toads.

- The Muscatels (groans).

- This the two, 200?

- Get rid of that knife.

- Now.

(Juan laughs)

- Oh, look, my men, ha ha!

I'm out of here.

- I'm out of here too.

- Stop, you cowards.

(Josephine yelling)

- How dare you, you pig-headed,
goat-headed, goat-toasters,

you know who I am?

I will have those empty shells

you call heads for this.

- Be careful, Senorita, one
of us may be your husband.

- Ha, that is just a dream.

My father would not give me
away to the likes of you.

He would rather see me dead.

That reward was if a
nobleman rescued me,

not some poor, obviously
penniless peasants.

Now take me to the
king, you dogs.

- (imitates howling)
John, in dog language,

that means she is
your wife, for sure.

- [Josephine] Take me.

- You two bumbling idiots
have ruined my plans again.

Now get into the carriage

so that we can beat
them to the castle.

Hurry, Juan, come along, Carlos.

Why do I put up with you
two in the first place?

Off to the castle, immediately.

- Father, I have been
trying to resolve this

since my return
so that I may send

these knaves on their way.

- My daughter, do not
think that I am not happy

to have you back, but you
are a pain where I must sit.

My enemy wanted my
kingdom for you,

and you know how much
I love my kingdom.

- Wine, my king.

- Yes, and pour slowly.

- [Women] Grapes, Your Highness?

- Yes, big round ones (laughs).

(women giggle)

- Sweet apples, my king?

- Oh, two big, firm ones.

- Melons, Your Highness?

- Oh, did you see the
size of those melons?

- Yes, father (laughs).

- Bananas, my king.

- Use your imagination.

- I think not.

My king, would you
really like a banana?

- I would rather peel you.

- We can do that much
later, but right now,

you must deal with your
daughter, for she is so upset.

- [Josephine] What are
you saying, father?

- Do you really think I'd
give up all this for you?

- [Josephine] Yes,
I'm your daughter!

- Josephine, shut up!

Uh, stand up.

Drink up.

This is truly a
magnificent occasion.

I, King Alberto Nacho, and my
son Prince Alberto Nacho II,

do hereby declare this
a day of celebration.

My daughter has been
rescued, my kingdom is saved,

and my enemy for 10 years,
that evil son of a snake,

Juan Perez, has failed
again to get my kingdom,

thanks to our honored guests.

- John Bon Viant.

- Yes, and, uh.

- Victor Langford.

- Yes, and as always, thanks
to my fine English friend,

Count Baltimore, who
saved my life in England.

- Hear, hear.

- [Crowd] Hear, hear.

- Sit down.

John, Victor, one of
you will be very happy

with my beautiful daughter.

- Your Majesty, which one
shall wed the princess?

- Yes, Father, which one?

- Two men are better
than one, my dear.

- No!

- The king always
keeps his word.

Let's celebrate.

- Bring out the
Bean Dip Dancers.

- Yes, the Bean Dip Dancers.

(upbeat music)

Everybody bean dip!

♪ Everybody bean dip

♪ Yeah boy

(man laughing)

♪ Everybody

♪ Everybody

♪ Everybody

♪ Every, every,
everybody bean dip

♪ Yeah boy

♪ Yeah boy

- I told your mother
not to marry that fool.

God rest her soul, he'd marry
you off to a duck if he could.

- Oh, Grandmama, Father
is not a bad man,

he is just so slow.
- Stupid, stupid.

- What am I going to do,
what's going to happen?

(man laughing)

♪ Everybody, everybody bean dip

♪ Yeah boy

♪ Every, every, every,
everybody bean dip

- Estelle, with all due respect,

would you kindly get your
tired old butt out of here

so that I can have a moment
of privacy with my daughter?

- Why, you stupid, ungrateful--

- Grandmama, please, don't
argue with him, he's the king.

- Yes, I am the king.

- You are nothing but
a lucky old African

who won the Spanish
lottery, and this prize

of a little grape field
you call a wine country

has nothing going for it
but the Bean Dip Dancers.

- Stop with the insults.

Now leave, or I'll have you
thrown into the dungeon.

- Say what!

Don't you know I'll kick your
butt all over this castle?

- [Josephine] Grandmama, please.

- You know, I must
really, really love you.

- Guards, take her away.

- Albert, don't let me catch
you on my side of the castle.

You lopsided-head, big-nose,
booger-eating scumbucket fool!

- Bone-head!

My daughter, I would give
up 10 kingdoms for you.

Juan Perez knew this, that
is why he had you captured.

I do truly love you, child.

Since your mother's
death, you have stood

as a constant reminder of her
strength, grace, and spirit.

You know how much I loved her.

- Yes, Father.

- I have decided that you
should marry John Bon Viant.

And you must live
as common people

in a small village in France.

There, Juan Perez
will not be able

to find you and your husband.

May I call them now, Josephine?

- I am ready, my
father, my king.

- John, Victor!

- [Both] Yes, Your Majesty.

- I have had your gold and
jewels loaded onto your horses,

but before you go, I would
like to give each of you

half of this unique medallion.

It has been in my
family for generations.

Let it serve as a
constant reminder

of my gratitude
and appreciation.

Josephine, my crown.

(John and Victor
laughing loudly)

(Alberto clears throat)

- Pardon, Your Majesty.
- Your Majesty.

- Keep it safe, for it
is truly a valuable gift.

- [Both] Thank
you, Your Majesty.

- [John] I shall keep
this close to my bosom.

- [Victor] And I shall keep
mine close to my heart.

- [Russell] Five years later,

somewhere in a little house
in the south of France.

- [Victor] Thank you, Josephine.

I'm going to miss
your splendid meals.

- Oh, sure, you're
welcome, welcome.

- We will miss you, my friend.

- And I will miss you all.

- Oh, Victor, you are just
like one of the family.

You were here when I
gave birth to my sons,

and I wish you could
be here for this one.

- My friend, if we found you
a wife, then would you stay?

- That's a wonderful idea.

- Ah, no, no, no, no,
marriage is not for me.

- Oh, but you'd do so
well with a family.

- [Josephine] Yes.

- And you do well with children.

- I know, as long as
they're someone else's.

(all laughing)

I say, old bean, but
I really must go.

My heart is calling for
adventure and excitement.

- Are you sure?

Is there nothing we can
say to help you stay?

- I'm sure my spirit
is ready to soar.

- Oh, Victor, we'll miss
you, you wild and crazy man.

- Ah ha ha, crazy I am.

- [Russell] Victor went
off to seek new adventures.

Along the way, he picked
up a new Muscatel,

his nephew Isaac.

Josephine gave birth
to a girl named Donna,

who grew up to be a
beautiful young lady,

and her three sons,
Jerome, Peter, and Thadius,

grew up to be
handsome young men.

John was happy he
married Josephine,

but he missed the fun
of being a Muscatel.

Anyway, let's just say that
20 more years have passed by.

And back in Spain,
King Alberto Nacho

is ready to kick the bucket.

(dramatic music)

(laughs maniacally)

- My father, my father,
you sent for me?

- Yes, my son, since I won't
be with you much longer,

there's something
I must tell you.

- Please, do not speak
this way, my father.

- The medallions that I
gave your sister's husband

and his friend
possess great powers.

- I do not understand, Father.

- When the two halves are joined

beneath the picture of
me in the banquet room

and the light strikes
the medallion,

it will open the doors to
great treasures and powers.

The deed to the wine
country in there, too.

You will need all
of these things

to continue ruling in
peace and prosperity.

- Yes, my father.

- Send a messenger
to your sister.

Have her return with her
husband and his friend.

You will need them to
carry on after I'm gone.

- Yes, my father.

- I have also discovered
the enemy within.

- Father, I do not
want you to go.

- I don't want to go either,
son, but this is the big one.

(coughing) But before I go,
I must tell you something.


- Count what, father?

- Count.

- Count the treasures.

Count the vineyards.
(King Alberto coughing)

Count the subjects.

Count, count, count,
count what, Father?

- Count (choking).

(dramatic music)

- [Russell] Meanwhile,
back in France,

Victor and his nephew Isaac
take a break from adventures

and visit the Oui Oui Brothel.

- Where are all our horses?

- So you are the two fools, huh?

There are your horses.

- Are you responsible for this?

- Oui.

- You will die for this.

- [Both] En garde.

(groaning and shouting)

- Stupid little fools.

- It's a big fellow
over there, isn't he?

- Yes, he's very strong.

- I think maybe we
should investigate.

Come, Isaac.

- Madeline, if anyone else
approaches, and I mean anyone,

you tell them not to tie
their horse next to mine.

- I will, sir.

- Isaac, we shall tie our
horses here as we always have.

- Oh, Uncle Victor.

- Tie the horses, Isaac.

- You must be deaf, little man,

or a fool ready to
leave this world.

- Neither, but no
oversized beast

shall tell me where
to tie my horse.

- Then I shall knock you down
and throw you to the winds.

- Speaking of wind,
it seems to flow

quite freely from your mouth.

- (laughs) That sword
will not save you.

- Shall I cut him, Uncle Victor?

- No, Isaac, no,
Isaac, stop stuttering.

- [Isaac] You got
the big puppy now.

- I have played with
you long enough.

Your head seems
to be rather hard.

Perhaps it's better
suited for another world,

perhaps the one above.

- [Isaac] Uncle,
Uncle Victor, please.

- If you put down that sword,

I shall squash you
like a mud pie.

- I believe you
said if, windbag,

but it does seem a bit unfair,
so I shall put it away.

I lied, I lied, I
lied, I lied, I lied.

I lied, I did lie.

- Sir, no man has ever
had victory over me.

May I follow you
and your nephew?

- What do you think, Isaac?

- [Isaac] I think he would make

a fine Muscatel, Uncle Victor.

- Ah, ha ha, then a Muscatel
you are, come, come, come.

- [Charles] A Muscatel?

- [Victor] Come, come.

- Welcome back, Victor.

- Thank you, Madeline.

- [Isaac] Have you ever
had your head busted?

- [Charles] No, head busted?

(glass clatters)
(Charles yells)

- [Isaac] Now you are
officially a Muscatel.

- [Russell] The Muscatels
did not stay long.

They decided to go to
Victor's hometown in England.

Back in Spain, the
evil Count Baltimore

killed King Nachos I and II
and took over the castle.

- (laughs) Juan, Chi Chi is
lovely, you were correct.

- Yes, I know.

- Listen, I want you
or one of your men

to follow the prince's
messenger, kill John Bon Viant.

(both laughing)

And bring his half of
the medallion to me.

I will reward you handsomely.

- Yes, General, but
can I kill both men?

- No, no, Juan,
just one for now.

- (scoffs) Okay, but promise I
can kill the other one later.

- Alright, Juan, you can
kill the other later.

- Ah, thank you, consider
it done, my general.

- Then off with you, ta-ta.

Now, Chi Chi, Juan
tells me you have a way

with certain kinds of men.

- I have a way with
all kinds of men.

- Ah, I believe you, Chi
Chi, but do not fail me.

I am sending you to England
to bring back the other half

of the medallion from a
man named Victor Langford.

Oh, he loves wine and women.

I've known about the
brothel he visits for years,

but I cannot go back to England.

I'm wanted there.

- I am also wanted.
- Hmm.

- And I love it.
- Yes.

- And I will get your medallion.

- Wonderful.

- But I want half
my money up front.

- What?

(sighs) Here.

- And the other half when I
return with the medallion.

- Just bring back the medallion.

- Just have my money.

- (laughs) Yes.

- [Russell] Juan Perez
caught the messenger

and Josephine never
received the letter.

(groaning and screaming)

(Juan laughs)

- [Peter] Mother,
the food is good.

- Oh, you like it?

- Where is Donna?

- Your father took her to
town to buy a new dress.

- (laughs and spits) A dress?
- Yes.

- A tomboy in a dress?

(all laughing)

- Oh, Father, thank you so
much for the beautiful dress.

I just love it.

- It was time, my
lovely daughter.

You've looked like a
tomboy long enough.

- Oh, Father, don't tease
me, I try to be a girl.

(John sniffing)


- I smell something (sniffs).

I smell danger.

- Where?

Oh, stop it, Father.

- I smell Spanish bandits.

- Oh, no.

- You must take this medallion.

Your grandfather said
it was very valuable.

You must keep it
with you always.

- [Bandit] There's
John Bon Viant!

- Go, get your butt out.

(bandits whooping and laughing)

- Shut up, the
girl, she got away.

- You idiot, I heard her say

she was going to
get her brothers.

Take him over there,
we'll get them later.

(bandits laughing)

(brothers laughing)

- Hurry, hurry, get up,
Father has been attacked.

- [Brothers] By who?

- The Spanish bandits.

- Donna, you stay
here with Mother.

- No.

- Donna, please.

- Donna, you must stay
here and protect Mother.

- Father taught me to
use a sword and to fight.

I am going to.

- Well, I am going, too.

- Mother, Father would want

for Donna and you
to remain here.

- Mother, please
let us handle this.

- Stay, Mother, please.

- Alright, we will stay,
but if you do not come,

we will come looking for you.

- Let us prepare to go.

♪ We are the great Bon
Viant brothers (grunt)

- Get out of here.

Mother, Father gave
me this medallion.

- Yes, it was your

Keep it close to your heart.

- I will.

I will look from afar.

- You promise?

- I promise.

- Take care, my child.

- I will.

(men laughing)

- [Juan] Alright,
bring him right here.

- No more, please.

- [Juan] Alright, Bon
Viant, where is your family?

- I will tell you
nothing, Juan Perez.

- [Juan] Okay, get him.

- No!

(men laughing)
(John yelling)

- Wait, wait.

He's dead.

- Good.

You, go get the other
bandits and find his sons.

- Okay, Juan.

- Go!

You are a great and
wonderful leader, Juan Perez.

- [Juan] Yes, I know.

- Yes, you are.

- [Juan] Ha, if
it wasn't for you,

we would have the medallion.


(laughing maniacally)

- What are you laughing at?

(Juan yells)
(bandit groans)


(crickets chirping)

- [Man] Move.

- My brothers have
been kidnapped.

And there's more.

- More?

- Yes, a man named Juan
Perez has killed my father.

- (gasps) How did he die?

- He died laughing.

- Well, that was always
your father's weakness.

That Juan Perez,
that evil Juan Perez.

He was the man who
held me hostage.

- When you were the
princess in Spain?

- Yes, Donna, you must
find your uncle Victor.

He will help rescue
your brothers.

- I don't even know the man.

I don't even know where
the man is, Mother.

- You can find him in England,
at the famous brothel.

Yes, we must prepare.

First, sit down.

Perez and his men will
be looking for us.

I will hide with the neighbors.

I have a plan, but
you must promise me

to please keep the
medallion safe.

- Oh, I will, Mother.

- I'm sorry, but I must do this.

- Oh, the things I do (groans).

- Donna, I'm so sorry.

- Give me your attention.

Presenting Miss Chi Chi Jua Jua.

- [Crowd] Ooh.

- Who is Victor Langford?

- Oh, me.
- Me!

- [Victor] Who wants to know?

- I want to know, and
if you come from behind

all those stale things,
maybe you'll see

something fresh that you like.

- Your big man does
look rather fresh

but I'm not interested.

(crowd laughing)

- Victor, who is she?

- Well, everybody knows

Victor has a different
wench in every land.

- Move.

Perhaps, now, Senor,
you'll see I am beautiful.

All the men, they love me.

They love my eyes.

They love my hair.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- They love my luscious lips,

because I am the
sexiest Spanish woman

that ever walked this earth.

I am the famous Chi Chi Jua Jua.

- [Men] Chi Chi Jua Jua!

- Now that you see Chi
Chi, what do you think?

- I see.

- Now that she touches
you, what do you think?

- Well, I, I--

- Now that she holds
you, what do you think?

- I think whatever Chi
Chi wants, Chi Chi gets.

- What is this old
medallion around your neck?

- Nothing, Chi
Chi, it's nothing.

- Shall we go
beyond gazing eyes?

- Uh, this way,
Chi Chi, this way.

- Ooh!
- Victor's a lucky one.

(Victor laughs)

(men laugh)

- [Russell] Three minutes later?

Is that right,
three minutes later?

That Chi Chi must
be some ba-boo-gie.

(speaking foreign
language) Chi Chi Jua Jua.


- [Man] Bet she's
a little devil.

- Chi Chi will have
only one game now.

- [Man] Chi Chi Jua Jua.

- I hear there's not a
swordsman in this whole inn.

- So, is that what you hear?

- Yes, that's what I hear.

- Let's teach this
lad some respect.

- En garde.

(swords clattering)

(crowd laughing)
(fighters groaning)

(fighter yelling)

- [Charles] I think you
fight like a wild one, huh?

- [Isaac] Shall we join in?

- Oui, yes, come on.

(swords clattering)

(fighters groaning)

- Oh, Victor, do you
see this plain fellow?

- He fights like a girl, huh?

- He's well-trained, but
not a man for all seasons.

He reminds me of a faggot.

- A faggot, what's a
faggot, Uncle Victor?

- A man who cannot remember
whether he's a man or a woman,

because he forgot.

- Who is next?

- [Victor] Boy, we've seen
you can handle a sword.

- Shut up.

- [Isaac] Victor!

- [Donna] Come, en garde.

- Teach him, Uncle Victor.

You are no match for Victor.

- Aha (laughs), where did
you get that medallion?

- From my father.

I am the son of John Bon Viant.

My name is Dorian.

My brothers have been kidnapped,

and my father has been killed
by a man named Juan Perez.

I need your help, Uncle Victor.

- You are the son
of John Bon Viant?

- Yes, I am the youngest son.

You had left before I was born.

- I remember this Juan Perez.

We must go, Muscatels.

Come, come, Dorian.

(dramatic music)

- I don't want to stop
here, I want to go on.

I want to find my brothers now.

- You know, Dorian, I have
noticed that you complain a lot.

What is wrong with you?

- You want to drink now?

- No, I want to initiate you

to make you an
official Muscatel.

- I don't want to be a Muscatel.

I want to find my brothers now.

- You're going to be a Muscatel

if you're going to ride with us.

Charles, will you do
the honors, please?

- I will be happy to do so.
- I don't want to--

(dramatic fanfare)

- Ah, ha, ha!

(men laughing)

- [Donna] You think
that is funny?

- Ah, yes, I do.

(Donna groans)

Look at the little one.

(Muscatels laughing)

(dramatic music)

(mid-tempo bluesy music)

- [Isaac] Dorian, stop, I
think Charles has had enough.

- Come, come, lad,
you were very brave.

Now you're officially a
Muscatel, come, come, come.

Charles, how about some
wood for the fire, please?

- Oui, Victor.

- And Isaac, how
about some food?

How about a nice, plump rabbit?

- Yes, a rabbit.

- No, no, no, a bird,
bird, chicken, chicken.

- Chicken?
- Chicken.

- Uncle Victor, we had chicken
yesterday and the day before.

- Isaac, chicken,
chicken, chicken.

- I don't know why black
people like chicken so much.

- So tell me, how do you
come to know my father?

- Actually, your
father saved my life.

I was being attacked
by these 50 rogues,

oh, no, 75, maybe it was
100, and there I was,

a sword in each hand,
fighting like a madman,

and suddenly, your father
came seemingly from nowhere.

And pretty soon, we had
quelled the situation.

Then, after that, we
went to this tavern.

I think it's, uh, Russ Muscatel,

that was the old chap's name.

We went in there, the
muscatel was so fine,

he initiated us, or
knighted us, as Muscatels.

And then after that,
your father and I,

we roamed the countryside,

going here and there
and everywhere.

- Save that story, I want
to go help the others.

I'll listen to you later.

- But Dorian, you didn't
hear the best part of it.

Let me see, I think,
maybe we had 150 men.

I don't know, maybe 200.

- What are you doing?

- Shh.

- What are you doing?

- I am trying to
catch the chicken.

- How do you know this Victor?

- He's my uncle.

My parents died
when I was young,

and he took me under his wing.

I have been with him ever since.

- You think he could
help me find my brothers?

- Oh, yes, he drinks a lot,
but he knows what he's doing.

- I don't know.

Oh, the chicken is coming.

- Oh, Dorian, you are too loud.

You scared the chicken away.

- I was only trying to help you.

- Go, go, go away, go and
talk to Charles, go away.

- Charles?

- Yes, Dorian.

- I want to apologize for the
way that I attacked you today.

- That is alright, you
and I are Muscatels,

and I am proud of you, you know.

- How did you get
to be so strong?

- I've always lived on a
farm and worked very hard.

- You remind me of my brother.

- Really?

- He has muscles, but they
are not as big as yours.

(Charles scoffs)

How did you meet Victor?

- I met Victor at
the Oui Oui Brothel.

He is the only man that
has ever defeated me,

and that is why I admire him so.

- Mm, I bet he admires you, too.

(Charles scoffs)

I will help you with the wood.

Will you show me how to
build my muscles like yours?

- What is wrong with you?

- I, I, I don't know,
I just, I lost myself.

- Then pick up some
wood and find yourself.

- What on earth is that
concoction you're sipping?

- (laughs) This is the
best wine, muscatel,

this side of the Rhine river.

Please, sit down, enjoy.

Take a sip.

(man sighs)
(men laugh)

That's good, but you need
to work on your laugh more.

Drink more, take a sip.

(laughing loudly)

Oh, Monsieur does it good,
you will need more wine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, your
laugh is a little shaky.

Now, take a deep suck on this.

Deep down, come on.

(men laugh)

Very good.

(laughs) Monsieur, this
is the best muscatel

ever in France, and
this is good money.

(dramatic music)

Chi Chi Jua Jua returns
Victor's medallion

to Count Baltimore
and gets her money.

(Baltimore laughing)

Back in France, the
Muscatels continue searching

for Dorian's brothers.

- I think we should
camp over there.

(peaceful music)

- [Charles Voiceover] I think
something is wrong with me.

I feel strange around
this fellow Dorian.

- Father, thank you for the
beautiful dress, I love it.

- [John] It was time,
my darling daughter.

You've looked like a
tomboy long enough.

- [Victor] Dorian, it
will be night soon.

Come, let us eat.

- I am coming, Uncle Victor.

- [Charles Voiceover]
This cannot be.

I must rid myself
of this feeling.

- That was an excellent
job with the bird, Dorian.

- Thank you, Uncle Victor.

- Isaac, that was a fine shot.

- Yes, the hunting
was good today.

- Let's save the
bread for Charles

because he eats very much.

- He's hungry.

- He's a big fellow, you know.

- [Fluffy] Give me your
money or your lives.

- I'm not in the mood.

I've had a rough day.

- Well, I been robbing
too long to listen.

Now just give it up.

- I'm not in the mood.

- [Andre] Hey, hey, hey, you
heard the big, fat, juicy girl.

Now give it up.

You, gimme that gold
chain around your neck.

(laughs) Don't be stupid.

- You little ragged runt.

- [Fluffy] That's final, I'll
knock the boom out of you,

and we'll kill you.

- Take it easy, highway-woman,
please, take it easy.

Perhaps you've heard of us?

We're the Muscatels.

- And the next time
I'm robbing somebody,

I'll remember to
mention y'all's names.

- (laughs) Big Fluffy,
that was funny.

- Look, highway-woman,
we've had a rotten night,

and we're not going
to take this kindly.

- Kindly or unkindly,
honey, what's yours is mine

and what's mines is mine.

- [Andre] And mine, now give
it up, gimme the gold chain.

Taking a new sword,
too, give it.

- [Isaac] Good work, Charles.

- [Victor] Excellent work.

- Don't mess with me, I
am a Bon Viant (grunts).

- Well, Bon Viant,
uh, I was just joking.

- If your feet were not so
little, I'd take your shoes.

- Ha, I keep this
one, take them off.

- [Andre] No, no, no, no,
please, not my Adidas!

No, please, stop, hey!

(bandit yelling)
(Muscatels laughing)

- Look at the crybaby.

- Look at him,
crying little baby.

- I think we've
punished them enough.

We'll allow them to leave.

I want you out of here
by the count of three.

- Okay!

- [Isaac] Two, three, go away,

you scoundrel!
- My shoes.

- Let's go.
- Go, go, go.

(bandit crying)
(Muscatels laughing)

- [Isaac] So, let us
finish our meal, huh?

- And let's continue
with our meal.

Good work, Dorian, very
good, excellent, excellent.


- He's a little crybaby.


Dorian, we have noticed that
you are very clean for a man.

- Yes, my mother taught
me to be this way.

- It's obvious she had a
great influence on you.

- Yes, we were very close,
but what is your point?

- A man so clean makes
other men nervous.

- And?

- Take Charles, for example.

He's extremely
nervous around you.

- He is!

I mean, he is?

- Yes, yes, he is,
but he'll get over it,

because we're all for
one and one for all.

- That is good to know.

- Dorian, have you
ever been in love?

- Yes, I think so,
why do you ask?

- Because there is a girl

I have this feeling for.

- Isaac, why are you stuttering?

You never stuttered before.

- Ah, I only stutter
when I'm nervous

or thinking about Cynthia.

- Where is she?

- She's at the Oui Oui
Brothel, with her family.

- Do you plan to marry her?

- I want to, but our uncle
Victor would be upset

if I left the Muscatels.

- Isaac, if you love her,
you should follow your heart.

- [Victor] Isaac,
Dorian, it's time to go.

- Where are we going?

- We are going to
the Oui Oui Brothel.

- Oui Oui Brothel?

I want to go find
my brothers now.

- We are, we are
well-known at this brothel,

and Uncle Victor thinks
we might be able to obtain

some information about the
whereabouts of your brothers.

And there I will see Cynthia.

- Let us go quickly.

- Introducing, Madame Dubois.

♪ When I was just a little girl

♪ My head was filled with dreams

♪ I thought that I
could change the world

♪ But my mother says to me

♪ No, no, Gi Gi, no, no, Gi Gi

♪ This is not right for you

♪ No, no, Gi Gi, no, no, Gi Gi

♪ Dreams, they don't come true

♪ Loved a man with all my heart

♪ He turned my dark skies blue

♪ But my father
said, upon my word

♪ He's no good for you

♪ No, no, Gi Gi, no, no, Gi Gi

♪ He is not right for you

♪ No, no, Gi Gi, no, no, Gi Gi

♪ Dreams, they don't come true

♪ My heart was torn

♪ My life was gone

♪ My hopes were almost through

♪ Until I fell upon
this very place

♪ Now I make dreams come true

♪ Oui oui, Gi Gi, oui oui, Gi Gi

♪ This is all right for you

♪ Oui oui, Gi Gi, oui oui, Gi Gi

♪ I make dreams come true

♪ When you come
to me in the night

♪ I treat you right

♪ I do special things for you

♪ Make your fantasy ring true

♪ Oui oui, Gi Gi, oui oui, Gi Gi

♪ This is all right for you

♪ Oui oui, Gi Gi, oui oui, Gi Gi

♪ I make dreams come, come true

(crowd applauding and cheering)

- Victor!

Welcome back.
- Madame!

- And with a new
Muscatel, I see.

- Yes, we're glad to
be back, Madeline.

- The Muscatels, the
Muscatels are here!

- [Leroy] Ah, welcome
back, my friends!

- [Victor] We are
glad to be back.

- Sit here.
- Yes.

- [Leroy] It's good
to see you again.

- Yes, I always love
when we come here.

Sharon, are you still
wearing those glasses

and stealing purses
from the customers?

- No.

- Come with me.

- Leroy LeBlue and
Elizabeth LeBlue,

I want you to meet my
best friend's son Dorian.

- Greetings, Dorian.

A friend of Victor's is a
friend of the LeBlue family.

- Welcome, Dorian, you
look like a fine lad.

- [Donna] Thank you.

- Cynthia, introduce him
to your other sisters.

- Yes, Mama.

Come with me, Dorian.

- [Victor] Let us play cards.

- Wait, I know you.

You little ragged runt,
what are you doing here?

- I came to get, I
came with Big Fluffy.

- And you, where is your wig?

- I don't have it anymore.

I'm back to my normal self,
after you all ran us off.

I stopped robbing, and now I'm
back to doing what I do best.

- You have gotten taller.

Oh, who did you steal
those shoes from?

- [Andre] My Adidas!

- Don't you touch
them, they're mine.

I will give you to the count
of five to get out of here,

or I will call the
other Muscatels.

- Big Fluffy!

Big Fluffy!
- Two, three, four.

Oh, out of here.

- [Isaac] Fiery woman,
ha ha, Big Fluffy.

- Ah ha, they are still running.

- They are bad
thieves, my friends.

- LeBlue, you are lucky.

- You are cheating.
- Yes, I am good.

- Uncle Victor,
when are we leaving?

- Soon, LeBlue has
won all of my francs.

- And mine!

- And mine.

- If I should win your money
back, then can we leave?

- Right away.

- Then move, Isaac, move.

- I cannot play.

- Leroy LeBlue, we shall play.

- Well, my good fellows, I
have a lovely surprise for you.

- Nothing you do
would surprise us.

- Well, we'll see about that.


- Mother!
- Ma!

(dramatic music)

- I've had quite enough
of you Bon Viants.

I don't want to hear any more.

You know all you know who
knows where your sister is.

When I find her, I will kill her

and whoever is
helping her (laughs).

Then, I will have the
medallion and all the wealth.

- They cannot escape, oh
great Count Baltimore.

Or should I say king?

- Oh, king is fine, but
we'll wait for that.

She should be found soon.

- We have hundreds and hundreds

searching the
countryside for them.

- But I thought we
only began with 60,

but surely that will be enough

to take care of those
pompous peasants.

They'll probably run
away like roaches.

- Uncle Victor will
never run from anyone.

- Uncle Victor would
rather die in battle

rather than run in defeat.

- And if you face Uncle Victor,

make sure your
hundreds are present!

- Uncle Victor, Uncle
Victor, Uncle Victor.

Who is this Uncle Victor
that I should be afraid?

Carlos, I want his
head on a platter,

and I want it now.

- Right away, my count.

My king, my king, my king.

- And then torture another one.

- No, no.
- No!

(brothers shrieking)
(guards laughing)

- Dorian, if I lose this hand,

I will give you my
virgin daughter, Cynthia,

but if I win, you will
give me back all the money,

and you will work
for me for two years.

Do you accept?

- Two years?

- Two years.

- I accept.

- Then look at this and cry!

- You are lucky, LeBlue.

- No luck (laughs).

- I will cry, but
only after you cry.

- (laughs) Dorian has
won back our money.

- You have won.

Cynthia, go with Dorian.

- Yes, Father.

(crying loudly)

- Do you love Isaac?

- Yes.

- Then stop crying and
acting like a baby,

and I will show you something.

- Do not show me anything.

- Look.

- You're a girl!

- Yes, but you must
promise not to tell anyone.

- I promise, okay.

- Ooh, Victor is
here, girls, come.

(Victor laughing)

- Victor, it's good
to see you again.

- Ladies, ladies, ladies!

Wine, wine, more wine, wine!

- It's been a long time.

- [Victor] Ah, it
has been a long time.

- Oh, oui, oui, you're
not a virgin anymore.

- So we can put her to
work like the other girls.

- [Cynthia] But I
am still a virgin.

- What kind of man
could not do the job?

- [Group] Hmm.

- Dorian is a
(stuttering), you know.

- A faggot?

- A faggot?
- Faggot?

- A faggot.

- Victor, Isaac called
Dorian a faggot.

- No, Charles, it's a faggot.

- A faggot?

- You mean your
nephew is a faggot?

- No, no, no, no, he is
not really my nephew.

He's my best friend's son.

Let me see this
vision of loveliness.

- How are you, my lord?

- Fare thee, fare thee.

- Fare thee, my lord?

- Ah, very well.

- Does thine eye see something
that I have that you want?

- If all that I
see is truly thine.

- Truly thine, truly thine!

My lord, I may be
no mathematician,

but I can assure you, I'm
in need of no addition.

Would you not agree?

- Ah, completely.

- Then why do you insult me?

- I meant no insult.

It's just that the winds
of heaven that brought thee

take my breast away, I
mean, my breath away.

- Perhaps I should
close your foul mouth.

- Mm, oh, close it, close
it, for mankind, close it.

For heaven's sake, close it.

- We'll close it, eh?

We'll close it.

(bandits yelling)
- Spanish bandits, help.

- This is a warning
to you Muscatels.

- Yes, a warning.

- Carlos don't play that.

- [Bandits] We don't play that!

- New sneakers, new
sneakers, I like those.

New sneakers, I like them.
- Oh!

(bandits laughing)

(women shrieking)
- Charles!

Charles, oh, Charles,
are you okay?

- [Sharon] Pablo, what
are you doing here?

- Senor Victor, my friend's
sister's mother-in-law

Jacquelyn's cousin told my
best man's friend Hector

who told my oldest son, Tyrone--

- Please, Pablo, what is it?

- One-tenth of Juan Perez's
men are coming back to get you.

- How far behind you are they?

- About one-third of
one-fourth of one day.

- We will stop them at
the bend in the road.

Muscatels, we have
work to do, we must go!

- Oh, can I go with you?

- No.

- Why?

- [All] Because
you talk too much.

- Oh.

- Uncle Victor, if they
go back to the castle,

I will be able to
follow their trail.

- That is a good idea, Isaac.

- Farewell, little thief.

I must go and fight
these bandits.

- [Sharon] Be careful, Charles!

- Oh, shut up, you whore.

- You faggot.

- Victor, one of these days,

you're going to make
it up those stairs.

- Ah, the thought put my
enemy at a great disadvantage.

I shall see you soon, farewell.

- Farewell, Victor.

(Victor laughs)

Farewell, Victor.
- We'll miss you!

- Goodbye!
- We'll miss you!

- [Russell] The Muscatels went
after the Spanish bandits.

(dramatic music)

(bandits laughing)

- Let's play some cards, huh?

- You guys cheat!

- Not at cards (laughs).

- Hey, hey, hey, man.

Didn't we kick the
Three Muscatels in
the booty last night?

- (laughs) They'll never
mess with us again.

- Yeah, man.

- Hey, hey, they will not
mess, homie don't play that!

(bandits groaning)

(Dorian screams)

- Dorian!
- Dorian.

- I, I killed a man,
but he is not dead.

Get up!

- Get up, you
stupid little fool.

Victor, make him talk.

- [Victor] Speak or die.

- Count Baltimore killed King
Nacho I and King Nacho II.

He would kill King Nacho
III, but there was none.

He is holding the
Bon Viants (grunts)

inside the castle dungeon.

He sent us to find
the missing Bon Viant,

because he feels that that
one has the missing medallion.

- Why is the medallion
so important?

- When you join the
two halves together

in front of the king's
picture in the banquet room,

it releases great
wealth and power.

- [Victor] How many
men does Perez command?

- Ooh, many, senor.

He has his men and many
more from King Nacho's men.

- How many is that?

- Let me see now, there must be

about (speaking foreign
language) about 35 men.

- [Victor] We can handle
that many, I think.

- Uncle Victor, I
think we should find

a new trail to the castle.

- Isaac, I agree.

Charles, silence the prisoner.

- My pleasure.

(bandit groans)

- [Victor] Do you
see a path, Isaac?

- Only trails of
animals this way.

I think this way is safe.

- Lead on, Isaac.

- So, Dorian it is.

But I know how to take
care of him (laughing).

- [Russell] The
Muscatels continued
traveling through Spain,

but they soon came across
a strange territory.

(Victor shouts)

- [Isaac] It's a very, very
strange place, Uncle Victor.

- [Charles] I think we
should investigate, huh?

- [Victor] Uh-huh-huh-huh.

(Donna shouts)

- [Isaac] (groans) I've
fallen and I can't get up.

- [Charles] Come on,
Isaac, get up, come.

Keep moving.

Come, Dorian.

- [Isaac] Whoa, this
place is lopsided, man.

- [Victor] A very strange place.

I'm not familiar with this land,

but I think we're
someplace in Spain.

(Donna shouts)

(Isaac groans)

- Isaac, are you okay?

- I hate this place.

- Dorian!

- [Victor] Charles,
help young Dorian.

- I will.

- Hopefully, we'll
find some water soon.

- [Donna] I will be okay,
I am just so thirsty.

- To be a faggot or not?

Have I forgot?

Wait for me, I'm coming.

(ominous music)

- [Isaac] Uncle Victor, can
we rest for a little while?

- [Victor] Yes, Isaac,
this is a good place.

- [Donna] I am so thirsty.

- [Victor] I thought
someday I'd be pierced

by a greater sword,

but to die in a
foggy marsh of thirst

is not how I thought
it would end.

It really takes the uh
out of my uh-huh-huh-huh.

- [Isaac] Uncle Victor, I
must tell you something.

- [Victor] What is it, Isaac?

- [Isaac] I, I am in
love with Cynthia LeBlue.

I was planning to leave
the Muscatels to marry her.

I did not discuss it with you,

because I thought that
you would be upset.

- [Victor] Isaac, I
love you like a son,

and if marrying
Cynthia made you happy,

I would share in your happiness,

for the life we live is
no life for a man in love.

- [Isaac] Thank
you, Uncle Victor.

- [Charles] I, too,
have a confession.

Victor, I've loved you
like a father, and Isaac,

I've loved you like a
brother, but Dorian,

I cannot find the words
to express how I feel.

- Wait, do not finish.

I, too, have a
confession to make.

I, I am a (stuttering).

- [Muscatels] Faggot.

- No, no.

♪ Water, water

♪ If you seek water, follow me

- [Victor] Who is it?

- [Charles] What is it?

- [Victor] If that's not
a voice in our minds,

we must follow it.

- Let us go.
- No.

- Uncle Victor, you
know that you are

the oldest and the wisest.

I think you should lead the way.

- Yeah, uh-huh.
- I will lead.

- You go, you go, go.

- Come, Dorian.
- No.

- Come.
- No!

- [Charles] Come on, come.

- No, they're going to get us.

No, too hard to walk.

- [Charles] Come, Dorian.

(Muscatels screaming)

- Do not be afraid.

You must lean sideways
and walk at an angle.

- [Muscatels] Lean sideways
and walk at an angle.

(whimsical music)

- [Frenchy]
Jonathan, our leader.

- Charles!
- He's a big one, ooh.

- [Jonathan] Bring them water.

Welcome, Muscatels.

- [Isaac] He knows who we are.

- How do you know who we are?

- I have been
following and watching.

Young Dorian here
once saved my life,

and we Lopsiders
always pay our debts.

- When did I do this thing?

- [Jonathan] I was injured
on the way to England,

and you were kind enough
to stop and give me water.

- Oh, I remember,
but where are we now?

♪ Gather 'round me,
all you strangers

♪ Listen closely now, you gents

♪ And I'll tell you
about the grandest place

♪ That God has ever sent

♪ It's a land of
clear stream waters

♪ A land o' many spoils

♪ A land where
grateful Lopsiders

♪ Are pleased to work the soil

♪ Oh, I've seen the
place you flatlanders

♪ More fully inhabit

♪ Let me say, from
what I've seen

♪ You can bloody have it

♪ So take a look
around you where

♪ Every Lopsider's a king

- Or a queen!
- Yeah.

♪ Then come along
and join our song

♪ That is, if you can sing

♪ Oh we're lop lop
lopping on the hillside

♪ We're lop lop lopping
through the grass

♪ And there's nothing
like the lopping sound

♪ Of Lopsider bubbies

♪ Lopping as they pass

♪ We're lop lop lopping
as we're working

♪ We're lop lop
lopping as we play

♪ Believe me, we're thrilled
lopping on these hills

♪ And we'll stay here
'til we're old and gray

♪ Living, loving,
'til our dying day

- Jonathan, you said we would
help them fight their enemy

who's been chasing
them in the woods.

I am ready to fight.

- [Frenchy] Let's go
fight, fight, fight.

- [Squeaky] Fight, fight, fight.

- [Frenchy] I am ready.

- Fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight.

- Muscatels, you
have our assistance.

You have our friendship.

- [Victor] Thank you.

- Alright, do you know a
shortcut to King Nacho's castle?

- Well, of course I do.

- [Victor] Then I think we
should have a brief meeting

and plan an attack.

All for one,

- [Group] And one for all!


- [Juan] Oh, you idiots,
you let them get away again.

- Juan Perez, you killed
my father, en garde.

(swords clattering)
(fighters yelling)

(suspenseful music)

- (laughs) I believe
that you have something

that belongs to me.

- I do not know how you
slipped past Juan or my guards,

but it matters little whether
they kill you or I kill you.

You are just as dead.

(fighters shouting)

- Talk is cheap, hand
me the medallion.

- What, this old thing?

Why, I've had this for years.

Did you think I would
fight you fair, you fool?

I remember your blades and
doubt if they have grown dull.

- I always liked fighting
at a disadvantage.

- You little runt, I'm
going to poke your eyes out

and stuff doo-doo
in it (laughs).

- Can you doo-doo this?

(bandit groaning)

(Muscatels and Lopsiders
cheering and laughing)

(Victor groans)

- Count, Count, you're not
really such a bad fellow.

All I want is the medallion.

Why don't you give me
the medallion, Count,

and we'll just--

- I would rather trip,
roll over, fall down,

and break my neck than to
give you what belongs to me.

Oh, can't you see I'm busy?

What is it?

(gasps) What is it!

- Boo!

(Baltimore screams)

- (laughs) Jonathan, I would say

you made that fellow nervous.

- I'd say he's out for the
count, for sure (laughs).

- I'm gonna go and
get my medallion.

- Yes, I'll go and
help the others.

(dramatic music)

- Uncle Victor.

- Yes, Dorian.

- There's something
I must tell you.

- What is it?

- The Lopsiders were
helping Charles and I

to free my family from the
dungeon, and there's more.


- (gasps) Are you sure?

- I am positive.

- Oh.

- Come.

(guards snoring)

(guard screams)
(Jonathan laughs)

(guards shrieking)
(Muscatels laughing)

- Where is Donna?

- [Isaac and Charles]
Who is Donna?

- [Brothers] Where's
Uncle Victor?

- Aha, now there's a
name that I know about.

Come, we must move quickly.

- [Squeaky] Hurry, hurry, hurry.

- [Jonathan] Step lively, lads.

There's good news
waiting upstairs.

- I present Dorian (clears
throat), Donna Bon Viant.

- [Charles and
Isaac] Who is that?

(dramatic fanfare)

- Dorian, I mean Donna!

I'm so happy you are you.

Yes, thank the Lord,
I am not a faggot.

- [Peter] Donna,
where have you been?

- Yes, my sister,
where have you been?

- You missed all the action.

- Oh, Mother, are you okay?

- Yes, yes.

But Donna, do you still
have the medallion?

- Yes, Mother, it is here.

- Victor, come, come.

- [Victor] What
is it, Josephine?

- There is something we must do.

- Yes, we must get the treasure.

Donna, aim these at
the picture carefully.

Carefully, carefully.

(light whooshes)

(cheering and laughing)

- We're rich!

(brothers cheering)

- [Brothers] We are rich,
we are rich! (grunt)

- Wait, wait, I want
to try it (grunts).

- Jonathan, we thank you very
much for all of your help.

- The pleasure was
all mine, farewell.

- Farewell.

- I finally got ya.

- Oh, it's just you.

I had this crazy dream
and you were in it.

- Me?

- Yeah, must've been
this book I was reading.

- Let me see that,
The Three Musketeers?

No, I think it's that bean
dip you've been eating.

I told you about that.

Donna, you know,
I've been thinking.

I'm sorry about what I
said to you earlier today.

- I'm sorry, too.

- Can I make it up to you?

- Yes.

- Would you like to go to lunch?

- Sounds good to me.

- Come on, let me get your
stuff, let me help you.

Coach has been working
me too hard lately.

- I bet, like Sharon LeBlue.

I saw you with her.

- Come on, babe, you know
I only want to be with you.

- Don't let me catch
you with here again.

- Don't worry about it.

Man, who put this
big stick here?

People, geez.

Come on, let's go to
lunch, I'm hungry.


- Now that's what I
call a fairy tale.

♪ Kick it, deejay

(upbeat music)