The Thing About Harry (2020) - full transcript

♪

♪ Can I tell you something ♪

♪ Just between you and me? ♪

♪ When I hear your voice ♪

♪ I know I'm finally free ♪

♪ Every single word is perfect
as it can be ♪

♪ And I need you
here with me... ♪

This is nice.

Mm-hmm.
So nice.

- Sam?
- Mm-hmm?

Do you have a...



Ew. No.

Then what's poking
my back?

It's my phone.

- Relax.
- (Laughing)

I was like,
oh my God,

I hope he's not trying
to get up on this.

Ugh. Gross.

Okay, you don't have
to say it like that, homo.

- It doesn't bite.
- Hey!

We talked about this.

You can't use
that word.

You say it!

I'm allowed.

You don't gotta be mean
about it.



Okay, swap.
I wanna be little spoon.

(Moans)

So what are you doing
this weekend?

For Valentine's Day?
Nothing.

You're not going out
with Gary?

Oh my God, no.

That's something a boyfriend/girlfriend would do.

You know
that's not my jam.

You guys have been dating
for, like, three years.

I think you can call him
your boyfriend,

everybody else does.

Are you trying
to start a fight?

What about you,
Samwich?

You okay?

You mean because this is
my first Valentine's Day

without Malcolm?

It's been
a couple months.

You ready to get back
on the horse?

There will be
no horses

of any kind
in my immediate future.

Which is why I'm so glad
to be getting out of here

for a few days.

Don't have to go to any
of those awful singles parties

and have people give me
those horrible looks

and try to set me up
with guys named Troy

and Devin.

I am just so not ready
for that right now.

Wait, what do you mean
you're getting out of here?

Where're you going?

My friends,
Kelly and Kris?

From high school?
Their engagement party.

We talked about this.

I must've
blocked it out.

My God!

You're going all the way home
for an engagement party?

Ugh. You are
a good friend.

Yes, I am.

(Cell phone buzzing)

Speak of the devils.

Hi!

How are you?

How does it feel
to be "affianced"?

Affi-what?

Affianced.
It means engaged.

Oh! (Laughs)

I like that.
Af-financed.

Like, give me
my money, husband.

No, I--

- Never mind.
- It feels amazing!

We're so excited that you're coming home for our party!

Ask him about Harry.

I'm going to,
give me a sec.

- Ask me what?
- He's not gonna mind.

So listen, we have
a small favor to ask.

Anything for the bride
and groom.

- Great.
- Oh my God.

Could you...
would you mind

giving Harry a lift?

Harry? Harry who?

Harry... Turpin.

Harry Turpin.

Eh, you don't mean
Harry Turpin?

Harry Turpin
who hates me?

Harry Turpin
who made fun of me

pretty much every day
in high school?

Yeah.

You're not
seriously asking me

to spend nine hours
alone in a car

with Harry frickin' Turpin,
are you?

No way!
Say no, Sam.

Kinda.

It's just you guys
go to the same school.

And he was supposed to
drive out with his girlfriend,

but I guess they broke up
or something.

- Shocking.
- And he doesn't have a car,

so he won't be able
to come, unless...

- I don't know, Kelly.
- Say no.

You know, give it to me.
I'll tell her.

No. Stop it.
Stop. Stop.

We really want
him there.

Kris really wants
him there.

Please.

Hey.

What's that sound?

Where are you?

Hell, apparently.

Um, yes, okay.

I will bring Harry.

Oh my God!
Thank you!

Tell him to meet me outside
the Student Union 7 a.m. sharp.

If he is late,
I swear to God

- I'm leaving without him.
- He'll be there.

Thank you, Sam.
Thank you, thank you.

- See you Saturday!
- Mm-hmm.

Wow!

You, my friend,
are a medical marvel.

It's a wonder you can stand up at all without a spine like that.

(Sam sighs)

(cell phone buzzes)

Oh!

- Everything okay?
- He's not here.

What an asshole.

See, and that's
the thing about Harry.

No concern
for anybody else,

just shows up whenever
the hell he wants to.

Ugh. I never should
have agreed to this.

No, you really
shouldn't have.

You could always leave.
You'd be perfectly justified.

Fine, I'll give him
till 7:15.

7:10 in the morning,
what do you think I'm doing?

Oh my gosh,
did I wake you?

Yeah, but it's fine.
I don't mind.

- I mind.
- Shut up, Gary.

No one cares
what you think.

Tell him
I said hi.

- Gary says hi.
- Hi, Gary.

Okay, sorry I woke you guys.
Go back to bed.

No, no, no,
I'll stay on.

Now remember,

if he starts anything,

any, any name-calling
or anything at all,

you just pull over

and tell him,
"Get the hell out."

- Got it.
- Say it.

- What?
- Practice. I wanna hear you.

I'm not gonna...

Fine.
Get the hell out.

You're kidding, right?

What the hell
kinda command is that?

I tell Gary to pick up my ice cream more forcefully than that.

Again.

(Louder):
Get the hell out!

Again! From those
underused balls of yours!

(Low, growly voice):
Get the hell out!

Again! Like the lion
that you are!

(Shouting):
Get the hell out!

- Sorry.
- Stasia: Okay, good.

You're gonna be fine,
babe, okay.

Call me if you need me.

I will. Bye.

- Stasia: Mmm.
- (Cell phone beeps)

(exhales heavily)

Sam: I said 7 a.m.

Sharp. He's not here,
that's not my fault.

And the good news is

I don't have
to spend nine hours

in a car with...

Wait, hey, hey, hey,
no, no, no, wait, wait...

...Harry Turpin.

Hey! Hey! Yo!

Thanks, man.

All right, I know I'm
a few minutes late, but...

- Try 20.
- ...not my fault.

See, my roommate made
these killer tacos last night.

And this morning I had
to evacuate the building,

if you know
what I mean.

And it put me
a little behind sched.

But I made it.

We're here,
road-trippin' home.

No harm,
no foul balls.

Although my balls may be

a little foul, 'cause...

I didn't have time
to shower, you get me?

I... get you.

Oh, would you mind making
a quick stop at The Drip?

I'm gonna need
some serious caffeine

if I'm gonna be
good company for you.

And then she lost her mind

because I forgot
our three-month anniversary!

I mean, is that
even a thing?

Like, who remembers shit
like that?

I don't know,

thoughtful people?

Mmm.

Of course you say that,
you never forget anything.

Yo, remember that time
you reminded Mrs. Brown

we were supposed
to have a bio quiz?

And everyone got
so pissed at you?

Yeah, I remember.

Because I had studied
like we were supposed to,

and I didn't want
to get behind, you know.

We had those big projects
in English and Social Studies.

Plus, it was the first time that you called me "Suck-up Sammy,"

so... not something
I'm likely to forget.

Hey, who called you
"Suck-up Sammy"?

You.

- Me?
- Yeah.

- No.
- Yeah.

No way, man.

You're saying
I made that up?

I gave you
that nickname?

Mm-hmm.

I don't think so, dude.

Trust me,
I remember.

Because after you called me
Suck-up Sammy,

Davey Glick thought
it would be funnier

to call me
Suck-up Samantha,

and that's what people called me for the rest of high school so...

I think I remember
who started it.

All right, I guess.
If you say so.

That's a good one.

You know what?
I'm pretty wiped.

I haven't slept in,
like, three days

because of studying
for mid-term, so...

maybe we have
a little quiet time.

Yeah. Sure thing.

Gotcha.

But, I mean,
three-month anniversaries.

Like, who even thinks
about things like that.

And then this other girl,
we go to this nude beach, right.

Lotta schlongs,
also a few schlorts.

Anyway, so she says
I'm looking around too much

and that I keep checking other girls out while she's around

and she just gets
super insecure about that...

So I catch her
going through my phone,

and I finally have
to say enough, I'm out.

Can you believe that, bro?

Can I believe that you drove
multiple women insane

to the point of
a total psychotic break?

Yes. Yes, I can.

Oh-kay.

- Ouch--
- So you just move on.

As soon as it gets
hard or weird,

before you start to catch feelings,
you just bolt.

Okay, I-I don't know if I'd
put it quite like that, but--

You spent the last three hours
recounting every detail

of your past
five relationships,

and the most
amazing thing is that

in every single one
of them

you did absolutely
nothing wrong.

And yet,

they all have
the same complaints.

Did it ever occur to you
that maybe, uh,

I don't know, maybe,

you had something to do
with what happened.

You know what?
You're probably right.

I mean, at the very least,
I picked them all.

I must like the drama.

And it's not just the girls,
the last guy I dated was completely nut...

See, that's exactly what I--
Wait, what?

Guy? Wha...

What do you mean, "guy"?

As in not a girl.

I'm pan.

- Pan?
- Hmm.

You're... a pan?
What does that mean?

Pansexual.

I... it means that
I don't have a preference

- in terms of genders or--
- No, no. No.

No, I, I know
what it means.

What do you mean
you're...

Well, I mean, I used
to call myself bi,

but somebody schooled me
that pan is way more inclusive

and also honestly
just more... me.

You know, I'm surprised
you didn't know this already.

My mom practically put it
in the family Christmas letter

the year I came out.

But, hey,
now that you know,

maybe we could hit up
some of the bars

in Boystown
together sometime.

Most of my boys are straight,

so I could use
a good gay wingman.

Dude, you okay?

Dude?

(Horn blaring)

(both screaming)

Harry:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

(Breathing heavily)

I guess something called
a tie bar broke,

and they have to get
a part from Hannibal,

so we gotta
spend the night.

I'm fine, Dad.

Don't worry.

Um, "How's Harry?"

He's different.

He's changed a lot
since high school.

Harry: I got sustenance.

Beer, chips,

and for protein,
beef jerky.

It was that
or cat food, so...

Oh, sorry.

Dad, I should go.

All right, I...

love you too.

- Harry: Beer?
- Oh, oh.

So you really
didn't know?

I really did not.

Thought you had me pegged
a long time ago.

Why would I?

I, I know you caught me
staring at you sometimes.

Well, because I thought
you hated me!

Oh!

No. Not at all.

Truth is,
I admired you.

I'm sorry. I...

I don't even know how--
What?

I mean, you were out.

In Liberty, Missouri.

Me, I was just...

too scared.

That's why I made fun of you,
you know that, right?

Because I thought
that if anybody

saw me be nice
to you, then...

I'd be guilty
by association, and...

Yeah, I was just...

I wasn't ready
for that.

But that's no excuse.

I never should have
treated you like that.

I mean it, man.
I was a dick.

I really am sorry.

So what's next for you?

After we graduate?

Well, I was thinking about
going to grad school, but...

I don't know, I think that
I need to just get out there

get some real world
experience, so...

I'll probably just get
on a local campaign.

Like political campaigns?

Mm-hmm.

Is that what you've
been studying? Politics?

Hmm. What?

I'm kind of surprised.

I mean, you seem like
a nice guy, and--

Nice guys don't go
into politics?

Kinda. Yeah.

Well, we need
more nice guys

in politics.

Or else we're never gonna fix
this messed-up world we got.

Hmm? You're gonna fix
the messed-up world, huh?

Yeah. I am.

Good for you.

I like that.

So what about you?

What does the future have
in store for Harry Turpin?

I don't know. I try not
to think about it too much.

Hmm.

That's why I need someone
like you around.

Someone like me?

You know...

driven,

a little extra.

(Gasps)
I'm not extra!

Dude, you're like
the living definition of extra.

- No!
- Man, whatever you say,

Mr. Seven AM Sharp.

Okay. Okay.
Stop deflecting.

We're talking
about you now.

I guess...

the only thing I really knew
I wanted was...

a family.

To be a dad.

Uh, what about you?

You want kids?

I mean, to be honest,

I think I would be
too afraid

to bring a kid
into this world right now,

well, with, like,
climate change

and, you know, just
the general state of things.

I get it.

I think about
that stuff too, but...

I don't know,
sometimes you just gotta listen to your heart

and trust that
everything is gonna work out.

Listening to your heart...

trusting, that's
not my strength.

We all got something
to learn, I guess.

You can trust me,
you know.

I can trust the man
who can't remember

a three month-aversary?

Cubs or White Sox?

Or the Royals?

Cubs. Duh.
Always love an underdog.

You can't call
the Cubs an underdog

if they won
the World Series.

They ate rocks
my entire childhood.

They could win
the next ten World Series,

and I could still
call them an underdog.

Wha-what was
your favorite movie?

Okay, but don't laugh.

Okay, I promise.

Up.

Up?

With the, the talking dogs
who fly the airplanes?

You said you
weren't gonna laugh.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
I just...

I never would have
thought that

that you would say...

It's just,
it's just the beginning of that movie, okay,

where you see
the whole relationship

between the old man
and his wife

and then she dies.

It's just...

That's the first time
I knew what love was

and... the kind
of love I wanted.

Wow!

You're kind of
a romantic, huh?

I like that movie too.

Did you ever

hook up with anyone
from high school?

- Guys, you mean?
- Mm-hmm.

Hell no.

Did you?

I made out
with Scotty Sharp once.

But that was about it.

He's... definitely straight.

You know who I always thought
was a little not straight.

- Hmm?
- Kris.

(Gasps)
Kelly's Kris?

No, me too!

And now he and Kelly
are engaged. Oh!

You know
what's even weirder

than the kinda gay thing?

He and Kelly have been best friends since, like,
sixth grade.

Yeah. Well, you know
what they say,

you're supposed to marry
your best friend, so...

I guess. But I don't think
that's what they meant.

I don't know,
I mean,

I guess it's fine
for straight people,

but a couple guys
could never do that.

Really?

- You don't think?
- No way.

Once guys are in the friend zone,
there's no getting out.

The best you can hope for
is one night of awful sex

but more than likely,
you're gonna have a lousy lay

and ruin the friendship.

Seriously, there is no way

you don't end up worse off
than when you started.

How can you be
so sure?

I mean, l-let's just say

Malcolm and I
started out as friends,

then, you know,
we started dating

and I fell in love
with him,

uh, but we,

we weren't having
a lot of sex, you know,

and then I find out

that he's cheating on me

with half
of his improv group.

I lost him twice,

in one night.

I lost my boyfriend,

and I lost
my best friend.

I'm sorry.

You deserve way better
than that.

I should probably go
take a shower.

I reek.

♪ While we're laying
by the poolside, poolside ♪

♪ Getting tired from the sun ♪

♪ Fading in and out of
long nights, long nights... ♪

(line ringing)

Stasia: (on phone) How is it?
You okay? Did you punch him?

No, it's, uh...

it's actually
pretty great.

Stas Really?

(Shower running)

♪ I wanna spend
with you, you ♪

♪ I wanna be
with you, you ♪

♪ Just take in it all ♪

♪ Just take in it all ♪

♪ Just take in it all ♪

♪ Just take in it all ♪

♪ What a heavenly way to die ♪

♪ What a time to be alive ♪

♪ Because forever is
in your eyes ♪

♪ But forever ain't
half the time ♪

♪ I wanna spend
with you, you ♪

♪ I wanna spend
with you, you... ♪

Suck-up Sammy...

that's funny.

Did you sleep okay?

Mm, I was
kinda lonely, but...

(cell phone buzzes)

(buzzes)

Is everything okay?

Holy shit, it's past ten.

We should probably,
uh, call the garage.

See if the car is ready.

I mean, if we want
to make it home

in time for the party.

Sam: Not much
has changed, huh?

Harry:
That's not true.

There's an Applebee's where
the Fuddruckers used to be.

(Sam chuckles)

Sam: Oh, here we are.

- Hey, listen.
- Yep.

I really am sorry

about being such
a dick during school.

You're pretty awesome.

So I was gonna
head back Monday.

I was thinking
about leaving early,

- don't want to hit rush hour.
- (Door opens)

- Who's that?
- Harry: That's Lydia.

Your ex. She came.

I guess now she's more
like my ex-ex.

You're... back together.

Yeah, she, uh,
texted this morning.

Said she was sorry

and she wanted
to work it out

and that she was already driving over to meet me, so...

(squeals)

Lydia: Hi, baby.

See you back
at school?

(Car door closes)

- Lydia: I missed you...
- Harry: I missed you too.

- (Club music playing)
- (indistinct chatter)

Stasia: So I told him
it was over.

You broke up
with him?

Break-up implies we had some
sort of commitment to break,

which we did not,
but yeah.

He was starting to get
all needy and possessive.

Gary... was getting
possessive?

He insisted on taking me
out tonight, for one thing.

I don't think wanting to take your girlfriend of three-plus years

out on Valentine's Day
qualifies as being possessive.

He knew I had plans
with you.

What, to go to
a Singles Only party?

Stasia: Yeah, exactly.

(Sam sighs)
You're okay?

Totally!

I'm relieved,
to be honest.

You know me. Relationships
just aren't my thing.

Except for that
you've been in one

almost the entire time
I've known you.

Mmm.

(Club music playing)

(music continues)

Bry!

Bryan!

Hey, girl!

Hey, real girl!

Hey.

Two Solo cups
for two solos.

Get it.

- Cheers, queers.
- Cheers!

Ohh!

Most of the hot guys
have congregated

to the
queer pong table.

That's beer pong for...
You get it.

Anyway, that's where
you'll have the best luck

unless you're into
the ladies.

Ohh, just your basic
straight girl unfortunately.

Queer pong
it is, then.

Don't worry. There's plenty
of straight meat over there too.

Okay, let's go.
Come on.

Thanks, Bryan.

So apparently,
there's a million single people in Chicago,

and I still can't
get a date.

Oh, you can get
a date.

You're just
too scared to try.

I'm not scared,
I'm picky.

Picky is just
an excuse

so you don't have
to put yourself out there.

- Not true.
- Really?

Okay, then you know what?
I'm gonna pick out some guys,

and you're going
to go talk to them.

- Fine.
- (Laughing) Oh!

What about...

him?

Oh, who, Toucan Sam?

You know what they say
about big noses.

- Big boogers.
- Ugh!

You're gross. Okay.

Fine. What about...

him.

Sam: Oh,
the lost Kardashian brother?

I guarantee you
that his camera roll is

95 percent pictures
of himself.

Okay, fine, Mr. Picky.

What about...

Overalls?

He's totally
your type.

Honestly, with a body
like that,

if he's not
good enough for you,

he is definitely
good enough for me.

Oh shit!

- Sam!
- Can we get out of here?

- Harry: Sam!
- Why? Who is that? You want me to beat him up?

- No.
- Suck-up Sammy!

- Both: Ohh!
- Oh, too late.

What's up?
How you been, man?

Good, man!
How about you?

Uh, you know, chillin'
like strawberry fillin'.

Li-like in a doughnut.

You know, tasty.

I-I'm kind of wasted.

I'm Harry, by the way.

Oh, I know
who you are.

Yeah?

Well, uh,
who are you?

This is Stasia,
my best friend.

Nice.

So, uh, what are you doing
at a Singles Only party?

I thought you had
a girlfriend.

- Huh?
- Your girlfriend. Lydia.

That's her name, right?

Thee one that you had
the big fight with,

so you had to ride
with me back home.

- And then you guys made up.
- Yeah.

- So you ditched me.
- Uh, whaa...

I didn't ditch you,
my girlfriend showed up.

Whatever.

I'm guessing you guys
aren't still together,

seeing as you
can't remember her name?

Nah, uh, we broke up

before we even
got back to Chicago.

If you'd ever
texted me back

after our road trip,

you might have known that.

Oh, uh...

Yeah, sorry,
I just, um...

I-I got back to school
and got wrapped up in classes.

- You know me.
- So, yeah,

um, after Lynnea...

- Lydia.
- Right.

Lydia. Lynnea came after.

Before the first Mike.

Anyway, so let's just say
that I just felt like

I was playing into
the whole pan stereotype,

- so I--
- Which is?

That we, you know...
get around.

"Get around." Is that, like,
a nice way of saying "slutty"?

Ah, come on.

I'm a romantic.

You know that.

I'm just looking for Mr...

Mrs...

Person Right.

Bu-but you know
what they say,

the definition of insanity
is doing the same thing

over and over again

and expecting
a different result,

so... I decided
to pull the plug,

go full monk.

No more dating.
Totally celibate.

You... are celibate?

For how long?

Okay, it's only been
a couple of days.

I'm serious
about this.

- What?
- Um...

- What?
- You know what?

- Stasia?
- Oh my God!

I'm gonna get
a refill

or some embalming fluid.

Because that would be
less strong. My God!

Ugh!

Okay. So if you're so serious
about not dating,

why are you at this party?

Oh yeah,
my friends dragged me.

Oh.

Plus I've been painting
my new apartment,

and I needed something
to clean the paintbrushes.

So, uh, what have you
been up to

since graduation?

I'm, um...

working for
Nadia Custo.

Should I know
who that is?

I don't know,
did you date her?

No, she's running
for mayor.

She's a,
a real progressive,

and it's part of my job
to make sure people like you

know who she is.

So you're, like, in charge
of PR or something?

Uh... no, I just started.

I'm one of her
community organizers.

It's basically like
one step up from volunteers.

Hey, no need
to be embarrassed.

I'm folding shirts
these days.

Well, that's...
is that, um...

Is that-- Sorry, you never
actually told me your major.

Was it retail

or, um... fashion?

Is that so hard
to believe?

Kinda.

Uh, no. I, I didn't
major in fashion.

I majored in something
much more important than that.

- Huh?
- Marketing.

Uh...

- What, are you judging me...
- Mn-mn.

- ...Mr. Politics.
- Not at all.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
you are. I can tell.

What do you think
politics is, anyway?

It's just marketing the same candidate different ways.

They are not
all the same.

Nadia Custo wants healthcare
for everybody.

She wants more money
for public education.

She's even looking
at a plan right now

to get cars out of
the downtown core.

Talk about a game changer!

- Settle down, AOC.
- Oh!

I, I believe you.

(Dance music playing)

You're seriously
not dating right now?

Okay, I should
probably go, uh...

check on Stasia,
make sure she's not terrorizing anyone.

Oh, uh, okay.

Yeah, and I'll get
some more of this

uh, you know,
paintbrush cleaner.

Yeah, I'll take another one
if you're going.

Uh, okay. Uh, yeah.
Sure, I got you.

Hurry back.

Oh my God!

He's adorable.

How come in all the millions
of times you've told me

the story of
the road trip from hell,

you never mentioned
how fricking hot he is.

Sam: I don't know.

You should be
all over that.

He's not dating now.

Oh please.

He's basically begging you
to give him a reason

to break his vow
of chastity.

If I've learned one thing
from politics,

it's that you can't make someone vote for your candidate

if they're not going
to the polls at all.

You're not running
for office.

You are trying
to get laid.

You know me.
I don't do the,

you know, casual
one night thing very well.

Sure.

But you're never gonna get
to a second night

if you don't do
the first one, Samwich.

Now get back out there
and throw yourself

at that hot piece
of man-ass

before I call your mom
and tell her you quit therapy.

(Gasps)

- Fine.
- (Stasia giggles)

Wait.

- No. No--
- No, it's coming off.

- It's coming off.
- Okay, okay, okay.

♪ I like the way you talk ♪

♪ I like the things
you wear... ♪

♪ I want your number
tattooed on my arm ♪

♪ In ink, I swear ♪

♪ 'Cause when
the morning comes ♪

♪ I know you won't be there ♪

♪ Every time I turn around
you disappear... ♪

Hey, Frat Paddle.

I'm recently single,

and I'm gonna need you
to take me into some sort

of bathroom or closet

and just screw me
into oblivion.

No names, no wants,
no needs,

just two animals
going at it.

You think you
can do that for me?

Attaboy.

♪ I know you won't be there ♪

♪ Every time I turn around,
you disappear... ♪

Nice moves.

Oh yeah?
You like that?

Yeah, sure.

It works in a, like,
is-there-an-earthquake

or-is-he-ahead-of-his-time
kinda way.

Thanks, I think.

Did you just...

Are you flirting
with that guy?

What? No.

Yes, you were.

You just gave him
one of these.

- I--
- I mean, I get it.

He's super hot.

You should totally
ask him out.

That wasn't flirting.

Look, I don't care.

Just own up to it,
Mr. Celibate.

I wasn't flirting.

Look, I'm not gonna
fight you on it...

but you definitely did.

Okay, you're acting
like a freak.

Is there something
you wanna say?

I'm not a freak.

You're a freak.
You're a freak

who can't keep
his horse in the barn.

Is that right, Grampa?

Well, at least I'm not afraid
to ride a horse.

- Wow!
- Mmm.

Well, that's better
than being the rodeo clown.

What does that even mean?

I think you know.

Hey, uh, I'm gonna
get out of here.

I just had sex
with this guy,

and he's waiting
in the bathroom for round two

and I just don't
have it in me.

Great. I'll come with.

Nothing keeping me here.

Good seeing you, Harry.

♪ Every time I turn around ♪

♪ You disappear ♪

♪ I got love for you ♪

♪ I got love for you ♪

♪ Nice to meet ya ♪

♪ I got love for you ♪

Oh, come on,
you missing link.

Hey, we gotta leave soon.
You need to get ready.

What is it, black tie
or something? I'm ready.

You might wanna
put on some pants.

Hey, you're the one
in a towel.

Go get ready.

Harry, we both know you're
gonna wait until the last sec

and then rip on some pants
super fast, but then

you're gonna want
to check your hair

and you're gonna
spend 20 minutes

making it look like
you didn't check your hair.

So get off the game--

Quit riding me, Zach.

I just wanna finish
the campaign, okay.

First of all...

you wish I was
riding you.

Yo, I love it when you get
all dom with me.

You need to get laid.

Get ready. Now!

Sorry, boys.

Where were we?

Zach: Harry!

So who organized this again?

My niece.

Oh yeah. It starts
at 8:00, right?

We should make it.

Sorry. It's just the campaign
is really ramping up,

what with the primaries
next month.

You know, she asked us
not to be late, Sam.

Uh, Usain Dolt,
can we chill?

Eat my dingleberries.

That was rude!

No, making me late for
my girlfriend's trivia night,

that's rude!

Dude, you really need to start
meditating or something.

This kinda stress isn't good
for your heart.

See? Right on time.

She really wants to make sure
we win this week,

so she's brought in
a couple ringers

to handle all the stuff
that none of us know.

- Like what?
- Art and politics.

- Uh-huh.
- Oh wait.

- They're here.
- Who?

My uncle Paul
and his boyfriend Sam.

Shit! Can we go?

- What? Why?
- It's just that, um...

I'm not feeling
especially trivial right now.

Oh my gosh, relax.

Come on, Sam.
Let's do this.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Good to see you.
(Kisses)

You remember Zach,
Uncle Paul.

- Of course I do.
- Good to see you.

And, um,
this is Sam.

Sam, this is
my boyfriend Zach.

Oh, and this is Harry,
his roommate.

Hi.

Okay, folks, we have
seven killer teams

for tonight's
Trivia To the Death.

So grab your seat.
We're about to start.

Is that Harry,
Harry from the road trip?

Oh God. I didn't know.

- I'm so sorry, babe.
- It's okay.

Paul: So, how's my sister?

So you're dating
Nancy Fancy Pants, huh?

His name is Paul,
thank you,

and he's really great.

I can't help it
if he's super smart

and super handsome and a super successful art dealer.

And so what if I am...

dating him?

Why do you care?

If I'd known you were
into rich old guys,

I would have introduced you
to my grandfather.

That's super ageist.

At least I'm not
a man-whore.

Excuse me. I've been
celibate for several...

days this year.

So where are you working
these days?

Still folding shirts
for a living?

As a matter of fact,
I am not.

- Really?
- Hmm?

What are you doing?

I'm, I'm in
telecommunications.

- Oh yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Who you working for?

I'm selling phones
at a kiosk on the Pier.

Now can you be
quiet, please?

They're starting.

Okay, folks. Now we know
how this works, right?

This first team to ring the bell with the right answer gets one point.

At the end of each round,

the team with the lowest score
gets eliminated.

Question one:

what was the first
multi-platform

web browser?

- (Dings)
- Mosaic.

Emcee: Correct.
Please don't hurt yourselves.

One point, team five.

Question two:

what is the biggest island

on Earth?

- (Dings)
- Greenland.

- Nice.
- Yeah!

Come on,
everybody knows that.

Emcee: Question 32:

what nut can you use
to make an explosive?

- (Bell dings)
- Peanut.

EmceCorrect.

Peanut-brained,
am I right?

Emcee: Who was the first
baseball team to win

two World Series trophies
in the '80s?

(Bell dings)

The Cardinals?

Afraid not.
Anybody else?

- (Bell dings)
- Dodgers!

Emcee: That's what
we're talkin' about.

Damn it, Harry!

I thought your little
mouth-breathing friend

had sports covered.

That kinda was
a hard one, Paul.

Which was the first country
to use paper money?

- (Bell dings)
- China.

- Jupiter.
- Water music.

- (Bell dings)
- Hakuna matata!

- (Bell dings)
- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn!

- (Bell dings)
- Jehovah's Witness.

Ooh, sorry, team three.

That is wrong,
and that means you are out.

Okay, folks, so that means

we're down
to our last two teams.

And because we've gone
way over time,

we're gonna sudden death
this mother!

One question for the win.

And the category is...

Art History.

Okay. This artist's
scandalous painting

of a woman
nearly derailed his career

when it was exhibited
in Paris in 1884.

- (Bell dings)
- Toulouse Lautrec!

Emcee: Good guess!
Afraid not!

Team Five, you have 30 seconds
to give me the right answer

for the win,
or we go again.

It's Matisse. It's Matisse.

Mmm, no, it's not.

It's Sargent.

This is my business.

It's Matisse.

It's a painting
he did of his wife.

I'm telling you,
it's John Singer Sargent.

- Madame X.
- Emcee: Twenty seconds.

How the hell
do you know that?

He also did a bunch
of drawings of naked dudes.

I stole a book about him
from the library

so I could
whack off to it.

And sometimes
after I was finished,

I would, you know,
read it.

Okay, I say we go
with Uncle Paul.

- Paul: Yeah.
- Uh, no way. Harry's right.

- Emcee: Ten seconds.
- Zach: I vote Harry.

Okay, um, Sam,

you get
the deciding vote.

Wh... uh!

Sam, are you serious
right now?

You really think that
this pair of shoulders

knows more
about art history

than I do!

Come on.

Harry! I say
we go with Harry!

John Singer Sargent!

That is correct.

- (All cheering)
- EmceCongratulations.

Team Five's the winner.

Ah! I...

Congrats, everyone.

Sam, let's go.

Actually, I think
I'm gonna stay.

You know what?

You are a child!

Goodbye.

My mother
never liked him, anyway.

Ohh!

Harry:
"You are a child!"

- Sam: He's not British.
- Harry: Are you sure?

What's it say
on his passport?

Pretentious?

Is that
a nationality?

I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to...

- I know you liked him.
- No,

not really, I just...

You know, you get
what you settle for.

You know
what I mean?

Plus his apartment
was sick!

- Harry: Was it?
- Sam: Yeah.

Anyway, you guys
get a table,

- I'm gonna say hi to Stasia.
- I know. Great.

Well, well, well,
look who the hell it is.

Both: Mwah!

This is a surprise.

You haven't been here once
since you started dating Paul.

Yeah.

Well, except that
one time,

he had an allergic reaction
to the soap in the bathroom

and you had to leave.

Yeah.

Where is
His Royal Highness?

I think...

that we broke up.

For real?

For real.

Oh, thank God!

Ohh!

I am sorry, Samwich,
I hated him.

- I know!
- He was literally the worst.

Well, he was great
in bed.

He was?

No.

Hi, Nick!

Oh my God.
He's here all the time.

That's so sweet.

It's not sweet.
It's stalkery.

It's not stalkery
when you're dating.

We are not dating. We're...

hanging out.

Well, you've been
hanging out

for six months.

You're ridiculous.

Oh my God,
Harry's here.

What is going on?

We ran into
each other tonight.

It's a long story.
The main thing is

that I realized
my mistake all along

was thinking that we could
ever be more than friends.

As long as we keep it

in the friend zone,
we're good.

He's fun...

and funny, and he's
actually pretty smart,

which for some reason,
I never knew, but...

he's definitely
not boyfriend material.

I need someone grown up.

You know what I mean?
And that's not Harry.

Okay, got it.
Harry it ain't.

Harry it ain't.

Now can you do your job
like a good little bar wench

and fetch me
four beers.

You're so into him.

I am not.

Bro, what are you
talking about?

Dude, you're staring
at him.

No, I was staring
in his direction

because I haven't seen
Stasia in a while,

and I wanted
to wave hello.

Which is something
a Neanderthal like yourself

would never knew is that

that is the
courteous thing to do.

Yeah, well, you've,
you've always been very courteous.

I am.

Dude, you literally farted
at the dinner table last night.

That was
a medical condition.

Yeah.
You're full of shit.

Just like you are now, dude.
I know you.

Zach, shut your gob
before I tell April

what I saw on your computer
this morning.

What?

Okay, we're just friends, man.

Like, let it go.
For real.

For real for real?

For real.

First round's
on Stasia!

To celebrate
my breakup.

Stasia.

- Thank you.
- Mwah!

- See? Courteous.
- April: Yeah.

- To Sam's breakup.
- April: Hmm.

All: To Sam's breakup.

♪ If we never met ♪

♪ I'd be drunk, waking up
in someone else's bed ♪

♪ I'd be lost
in a crowded room... ♪

(indistinct conversation)

(all laughing)

Aww!

Thanks, Harry.

♪ What if I never
started singing? ♪

♪ What if you never ♪

♪ Told your family
you were leaving? ♪

♪ When you felt the pressure ♪

♪ There's a million
different reasons... ♪

Okay, one of the daughters

of... of the Kardashians.

But they don't have
the same last name!

(All shouting)

There's a Kardashian daughter

with a different...
(indistinct)

♪ And baby,
when I close my eyes ♪

♪ I'm thinkin' about ♪

♪ If we never met... ♪

...best beans
in the world.

♪ I'd be drunk, waking up
in someone else's bed ♪

♪ I'd be lost in a crowded room
of fake friends ♪

♪ I wouldn't even know
what love is... ♪

(clattering)

Harry, stop it.

All right,
enough pouting, let's go.

All right, dude,
are you serious?

Okay, no, leave it.

Leave it as a tip.
Come on.

- Just drop it. Yep.
- (Coins clinking)

- Thank you.
- Harry: Let's go.

So that's why
the fat lady sings.

- I don't get it.
- It's because she's...

Because she's happy
about all the sex.

- That's good!
- Okay. Yeah, yeah, got it.

- Oh wait, hold on.
- Oh.

- Eyelash.
- Oh.

Make a wish.

Um...

♪ If we never met... ♪

I gotta pee.

♪ I'd be lost in a crowded room
of fake friends... ♪

(indistinct conversations)

Hey, thanks for helping out
at Pride today.

You were great.

We got a lot
of voters signed up.

Oh yeah, you can't say no
to Sam, right?

(Inaudible dialogue)

Man: Speaking of Sam,

are you guys
like a thing?

Like, a, a couple?

- Me and Sam?
- Yeah.

Uh... no, no,
we're just friends, but--

Okay, cool, would you happen
to know if he's seeing anybody?

Uh, if Sam
is seeing anyone?

Uh, no. He's, he's not.

You know, I just wanted
to make sure

before I ask him out.

Yeah, uh, I mean,
you should definitely do that.

But you should know
that he's...

he's pretty much straight.

Here we go!

(Club music playing)

He's s-straight?

Really?

Wow, did not see
that coming.

♪ Everybody needs somebody ♪

♪ We can't make it
on our own ♪

♪ Turnin' up late
at the party ♪

♪ Ain't goin' home ♪

♪ Let me take you there ♪

♪ Let me take you there ♪

Hey, Sam, let's go have
another drink, all right.

I don't think I can.

I am o-blitch-erated.

We're gonna get
another drink, all right.

Get it, bitches! Whoo!

♪ Oh, come on,
stay the night, yeah ♪

♪ Stay the night, yeah ♪

Hey, two, two tequila shots
and a couple beers.

Shots? Harry, no!

Bottoms up.

Tops, too!
Don't be bottomist.

(Crowd cheering)

Drag Queen:
Happy Pride, Chicago!

How is everybody
feeling tonight?

(Cheering)

Drag Queen:
Can you feel the love?

'Cause that's what it's
all about, right? Love.

Everybody wants it.
Everybody needs it.

So why aren't we
giving it away?

- Whoo!
- (Crowd cheering)

Drag Queen:
What are you waiting for?

Find you some love tonight.

Or at least get you
some ass.

(Club music resumes)

What?

S-so did you mean
that thing you said?

About how when guys
become friends,

they can never be
anything more than that?

One billion percent.

You either end up
having bad sex

or ruining
the friendship, or both.

And there's
no exceptions?

Like, ever?

None. Zero.

No even for...

you and me?

Not even you and me.

Like I'm going to date the guy
who bails on relationship

faster than my parents' dog
eats cat poop.

Oh my God,
I love this song!

- Whoo!
- (Cheering)

♪ I want you ♪

♪ Baby, be mine ♪

♪ Won't you be mine? ♪

♪ Wanna make you mine, boy ♪

♪ Tell me now
what can I do... ♪

I'm gonna go find
my friends!

Happy Pride!

♪ What can I do?
What can I do? ♪

♪ What can I do
to make you my lover? ♪

♪ What can I do?
What can I do? ♪

Damn, Stasia,

leave it to you to find
the only straight guy ...

♪ Kiss, kiss, kiss,
kiss, kiss, kiss, ♪

♪ Kiss my lips ♪

(doorbell rings)

(footsteps thumping)

Casey: Um,
when did you become the world's laziest roommate?

Don't worry. I'll get it.

Oh. Harry's here.

(Door opens)

- Hi, Harry.
- Harry: Hey.

- Casey: How're you doing?
- Harry: What's up?

(Door closes)

Hey, Samwich!

What?

You never call me that.
That's Stasia's name for me.

- Oh, is it?
- Hmm.

Heh. I guess it is.

Those donuts?

(Video game sounds)

Is Harry here?

I thought he was
up there. With you.

Huh.

Whatcha playin'?

Zach: Crackdown 3.

Oh, I love
that game!

Let's get it, girl!

Harry: So listen,

can I tell you
something?

Oh yeah?
What's that?

It's, it's nothing bad.

Oh, I didn't think
it was...

Good. I just,
whenever anyone says,

"We need to talk,"
it's usually something bad, so...

Oh, well, you didn't.

What?

You didn't say,
"We need to talk."

You said, "I have
to tell you something."

Oh, I, I...
(chuckles)

- Yes, I did.
- (Chuckles)

So?

So, uh,
Stasia and I...

kinda made out
last night.

Oh wow!

That's... Ooh.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
At, uh, Pride.

- Hmm.
- I hope that's okay.

Yeah, why wouldn't it be?

Right.

I mean, I,
I told Stasia that,

but she kinda got
in my head a little bit.

So I, uh, snuck out as soon
as I woke up this morning.

You snuck out
of where?

My bedroom?

Zach: So...

you and Harry have
a good time last night?

As a matter of fact,
we did. Why?

No reason.

Just, uh... I'm glad
it was a fun time

if you're both gonna ruin
your relationships with Sam.

We didn't.
Sam's not gonna care.

I mean, Sam's not
into Harry that way.

He said so.
Like... multiple times.

Okay.

What?

You think
he's gonna be weird?

Stasia... spent the night?

Uh... yeah.

- And you guys...
- Uh-huh.

Cool.

What, you couldn't find any
other randos to hook up with?

So you had to start poaching
from the home team?

It wasn't like another one-night stand or anything like that.

No, we didn't just smash
and dash, you know.

We didn't just
sleep together, Zach. Okay.

We actually like
each other, all right.

That's... great!

Yeah, she's really funny

an-an-and fun.

He's actually
really smart.

- Really smart?
- You know, and he's not all clingy--

An-and she's so,
you know...

her own person.

Like you.

I woke up this morning,
and he wasn't even there.

And you liked that?

- Maybe you two are perfect for each other.
- Right?

I mean, how crazy
would it be.

If your two best friends

became, like, a couple.

A couple.

That would be crazy.

Well, I, I should probably
get back to Stasia.

She's gonna wonder
where I am.

Maybe I should take those.

I could tell her
I went to get donuts.

Yeah.

I love you, man.

I love you too.

(Door opens)

(door closes)

Who wants mimosas?

All: Me!

I heard you got
a new job?

Yes! Finally!
No more bartending!

So what is it?

Oh, uh, I'm working
for Windy City Beat,

doing all their, like,
alt events and stuff.

Oh great.

Yeah, they wanted someone
to curate a bunch

of cool, non-touristy stuff
every week, so...

Sam:
Sounds perfect for you.

It is!

And what about you? You still
working down at the Pier?

Uh, no.
God, no, um...

Actually, Stasia got me a job
bar-backing at G and O.

Wow, nice.

Yeah, but then
she up and left me, so...

I up and left him.

Aw, so sad.

Uh, waitress!
Uh, we're gonna need a lot more alcohol,

like, right now.

- Thanks.
- Oh my God, Zach.

- Ha ha ha!
- So stupid.

And I knew
he was lying.

Who would have improv rehearsal after midnight?

A lying liar,
that's who.

But Malcolm,
he would never admit

that anything
was going on.

No, no, no.

Not me, he said.

I would never sleep
with Doug or Eddie.

Stasia: Sam.

Why are you talking
about this?

This happened
a long time ago.

And then...

I came home early
one day

and I caught him

in the shower
with Doug.

And Eddie.

There he was.

Malcolm in the Middle.

You know what I mean?

But it's okay.

Just... you gotta move on.

Like Harry.

Harry moves on
all the time.

That's what he does.

Whenever things get...

hairy.
(Laughs)

Get it?

As soon as things
get hard,

Harry just

cuts and runs,
you know.

That's just
the thing about Harry.

Cut and run.

Just for fun.

- Harry's my name.
- Stasia: Sam.

That's my game.

Sam.

(Whispering):
But when he does that,

I'll be here.

For you.

Stasia.

Anastasia.

Anaphylaxis.

See, now that's
a good drag name,

Ana Phylaxis.

One bite
and she'll kill you.

Oh see. Look,
she's in anaphylaxis shock!

You're an asshole.

Oh!

Thanks, man.

Am I to surmise from the fact that you're sitting here in the dark

that brunch did not go quite
as you might have liked.

There have been funerals
for children

- that aren't as awful as that brunch was.
- Casey: Oh!

Oh my God,
I'm sorry.

Well, at least you did it.

Good for you.

Good for me.

Hey, have you
heard of, um,

of that new
gay dating app?

Buff or Gruff or...

No.

Why, are you
leaving Eddie?

Looking to spice
things up?

(Chuckles)
No, dumbass. For you.

I'm not signing up
for some--

Look, it doesn't have
to be that,

but I did not
March on Washington

and Act-up and Fight AIDS
for all of those years

so that you
could waste your life,

locked in that
malodorous bedroom,

furiously masturbating
to what can only be described

as moderately shameful
amateur pornography.

And listen,
if you want some privacy,

you need to invest
in headphones.

But I'm worried
about your health.

I mean, my God,
your poor bologna pony

must need a break.

Is it, is it bruised?

- Or chafed?
- Okay.

Does it need
arnica ointment--

Okay, I will do...
something.

Just please stop talking
about my penis.

(Chuckling)
Fine.

You deserve someone
to love, you know.

And someone
to love you.

And seriously,
if you need arnica,

I have some
right upstairs.

Go!

All right.

But do the dating app.

One date.

Or else I'm raising
your rent.

Sam:
Let's meet at Em's.

I'll be in the fourth booth
from the door,

wearing a green polo.

A blue polo.

A lime polo.

A burnt orange polo.

We can check each other out
and have a drink.

And if we both agree that the first drink goes well, well,

we can take it from there.

Hey.

Oh!

Sorry, I, uh,
I think I'm having

an allergic reaction

to... something.

Listen, may be better
we just call it a night.

So, now I'm on my third race
for alderman.

I mostly do
volunteer coordination,

get out the vote,
stuff like that.

I work
in politics too!

- No way.
- Well, I used to.

Now I just help run
the Obamas' local foundation.

You wanna get
outta here?

(Both moaning)

♪ I've been thinking
'bout you ♪

♪ Wondering who's stuck
in your head at night... ♪

Man:
And I'm a Cubs guy.

I mean, you gotta pull
for the underdogs, right?

That's what I always say.

Uh, ow.

Sorry, you, uh...

you had something
in your hair.

- Oh, thanks.
- You were saying.

Oh yeah.

I like you.

A lot.

I don't like
to take things too fast

- before we talk about monogamy.
- Yeah, no worries.

- It's just really not my thing.
- Once we get serious, I'm super faithful.

Oh!

♪ Early in the morning ♪

♪ Think about you
all day... ♪

Nice to meet you.

It's nice
to meet you too.

I've been on a few
messy ones of these,

so it's nice to meet
someone cool.

You are really handsome.

Wow, thanks.

Back at ya.

I'm sorry. I don't think
I ever got your name?

I'm Sam.

How about you?

I'm Harry.

I gotta go.

(Sighs)

(beeps)

You're home?

How was it?

- Not for me.
- Why not?

Just wasn't.

You keep finding problems
with everyone.

They can't all be
the wrong guy.

What was he?
Stinky? Wiggy?

Non-monogamy-y?

No.

Harry.

Like, super hairy?

- Uhh...
- Like, fuzzy all over?

You know, I used to date
this total sasquatch.

Loved it.
Never needed a blanket.

No. He was great.

Smart, funny, handsome.

Moderately hirsute.

So?

His name was Harry.

Oh.

He wasn't your Harry, huh?

Oh baby.

(Sniffles)

Sam:
Obviously, it's January.

It's too cold
for canvassing.

But we've got
training events

every weekend
from now until March,

when we should be able
to start hitting the streets.

So, uh,
we're in a good place.

Uh, I'll get you
the final volunteer numbers.

Thanks, guys.

Hi.

(People chattering)

So I'm getting married.

You...

You're, uh...

Oh my God!
Congratulations!

Stasia: Look...

I know we haven't been
exactly close the last year.

God, what's it been,
like a year and a half?

Well, yeah.

You know what?
It doesn't matter. Anyway, um...

the thing is...

I don't really like
a lot of people...

except you...

well, and my fiancé,
I guess.

(Chuckles)

And, um...

I just can't imagine
getting married

without you there.

I mean,
you've been my best friend since the first day of college,

and I just...

Is there any chance
you'd be my Man of Honor?

"Man of Honor"?

Uh...

Is that even a thing?

It is if I say it is.

Is Harry cool with it?

I mean...

I assume so, but...

Well, don't you think
you should ask him?

Why would...
why would I do that?

Because he's the groom?

Oh no.

No, no, no, I'm not...

No, I'm not...
I'm not marrying Harry.

I'm marrying Zach.

You... you're...

Zach?

Stasia:
You didn't know?

No! No! No!

(Stammering) I mean,
I stopped following you guys

on social media,
and then I...

I kinda wondered why
you never got back to me

when I texted you
after Harry and me broke up.

You didn't say that
it was about that.

And then, and then,
you know, I was a little...

embarrassed about the way
that I acted at brunch, but--

Oh my God, I'm sorry.

And when I didn't hear
from you.

I, I figured you didn't
wanna hear from me,

- so...
- I--

Oh my God!
I am sorry too.

But then this happened,

and I figured somebody had to make the first move.
So...

The only reason Harry and I
lasted as long as we did

is because
we both felt so...

shitty about what
we did to you

that we kind of...

had to make it work,
you know.

Well, that and we did really
want to prove you wrong

after all that nasty stuff
you said at brunch, but

mostly, we felt like...

if we ruined our friendships
with you...

it had to be love.

Only... it wasn't.

And I finally realized

that every time I was going
over to their apartment,

the person I was hoping
would open the door was...

Zach.

And I tried to fight it.
I mean, I really did.

Zach is so straight
and average.

You know how
I feel about that.

I don't know.

I just...

I just love him so much.

And the gravitational
pull of that is

so much greater
than any ideas

I had about myself
or my life.

So...

what do you think?

Will Harry be there?

Oh no. No, he's, like,
really mad at us.

Yes.

Yeah, I would be honored.

- When is it?
- Oh!

Valentine's Day.

- Ugh. Isn't that gross?
- Oh ho ho!

But Zach's parents got married
on Valentine's Day,

and it was important
to him, so...

But don't worry, okay.

We're not doing
a rehearsal dinner

or bachelorette party

or shower
or anything like that.

- (Elevator bell dings)
- Just a simple party

that night.

Wow!

- (Stasia giggles)
- You look amazing.

You like?

A twist on the traditional.
Like me!

- (Laughs)
- I love it.

I'm so happy
you're here.

You said
he wasn't coming.

I lied.

(People chattering)

Sorry to ambush you.

I, uh...

asked Stasia
to embellish a little

'cause I didn't think
you'd come

if you knew
I was gonna be here.

It's good to see you.

I've missed you.

Can you believe that
Stasia is getting married

on Valentine's Day?

She likes to think
that she's so edgy,

but let's face it,

she basic.

Yeah.

It's, um...

big of you to be here,

after everything
that happened.

Uh, not really.

I mean, I was never
in love with Stasia.

I love her. I just...

Mostly I'm just glad
she's happy.

So how come
you never called me

if you missed me
so much?

I mean,
it's not like I blocked your number or anything.

I guess I figured you wouldn't wanna talk to me.

Or that I didn't deserve
to see you again.

I mean, you made it
pretty clear

how badly I hurt you.

Well, uh, I should
probably get a drink.

It's good to see you.

The only reason
anything happened with Stasia

was 'cause...

'cause I was trying
to get over you.

Why would you need
to do that?

Ever since, uh,
that trip home...

ever since
we became friends...

I guess I kinda wanted
something more.

And then at Pride...

remember that?

I was just trying to work up the nerve to tell you

that I was in love
with you,

but you made it
really, really clear

that nothing was
ever gonna happen.

Because you
never said anything!

I know.

And then I ruined
everything.

The worst part is that

you were my favorite person
in the world...

and in one night,
I lost you twice.

I, um...

I, um...

was?

Past tense?

You said that I was
your favorite person.

No, stupid.

You are.

Always will be.

You are the smartest,
funniest,

strangest person
I have ever met,

and I love everything
about you.

I love that you need
to control everything...

and that you don't trust a cashier to give you the right change.

Well...

I love that you
never forget anything

and that you need to explain
half of your jokes to me.

And I even love
how crazy I make you,

'cause I know that means
I matter to you.

And...

mattering to you is
kinda all I ever wanted.

♪ If the world was ending ♪

♪ You'd come over right ♪

♪ You'd come over
you'd come over ♪

♪ You'd come over right ♪

♪ If the world was ending
you'd come over right ♪

Zach:
Anastasia Hooper,

you're the most beautiful...

authentic...

thrilling woman
I've ever met,

and I can't believe
I get to spend

the rest of my life
with you.

You surprise me.

You challenge me...

a lot.

You make me want to be
a better version of myself.

I can only hope to do half
as much for you.

I feel like the luckiest person
in the world right now,

and I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life

making sure you feel
that way too.

♪ Never was an early riser ♪

♪ Used to be
an up all-nighter ♪

♪ Never saw
the mornin' light ♪

♪ Quite like I do now ♪

♪ Never said no to a party ♪

♪ Never started savin' money ♪

♪ But everything
is different ♪

♪ Since you've been around ♪

♪ It's the way
you're smilin' at me ♪

♪ It's in the way
you hold my hand ♪

♪ It's the way
I've watched you change me ♪

♪ From a boy into a man ♪

♪ It's a million things
about you ♪

♪ And I don't know
what it is ♪

♪ But I have never known
a love like this... ♪

Can I take you
home now?

Yes.

♪ Never used
to get excited ♪

♪ To sit here in the silence ♪

♪ Holdin' on to somethin' ♪

♪ The way I'm holdin' you ♪

♪ Didn't used to know
how fast time ♪

♪ Walks and runs
and flies by ♪

♪ I never thought
I'd feel so deeply ♪

♪ But damn, I do ♪

♪ It's the way
you're smilin' at me ♪

♪ It's in the way
you hold my hand ♪

♪ It's the way
I've watched you change me ♪

♪ From a boy into a man ♪

♪ It's a million things
about you ♪

♪ And I don't know
what it is ♪

♪ But I have never known
a love like this ♪

♪ I have never known
a love like this ♪

I guess Suck-up Sammy wasn't
such a bad nickname after all.

Stop!

Don't do that.
Don't...

look at me like that.

Don't make me right.

Right?

About what?

About this! About...

how we shouldn't
have done this.

Hey, no, no.

Last night was perfect.

It was everything that
I thought it would be

and, like...

a thousand times better.

Then why do you have
that look on your face?

I finally got a job.

Like... a real job.

Awesome, but?

But...

it's in LA,
and I leave next week.

Are you kidding?

It's one of the biggest

sports marketing companies
in the world.

- How could I say no?
- This is so like you, Harry.

Even getting your dream job
sounds like

something just happened
to you.

I can't believe it.
I can't believe it. I, I...

How could you...

How could you...

let us... do that...

knowing you were just
gonna leave?

- Why didn't you tell me?
- I needed to know.

And, and I am telling you.

I-I'm telling you now!

This doesn't mean
we can't be together.

You know what? I, uh...

(exhales sharply)

I got-gotta go.

Come on, Sam.

We got the whole weekend,

an-and LA's not that far.

I mean,
there's these new-fangled things called airplanes.

(Laughs)

Wha-wha-what?
You don't trust me to do long-distance?

How can I trust you
to do long-distance

when I can't even trust you
to tell me the whole truth.

Before we slept together!

Before I...

I, I let you in.

You had... so many chances
to say something.

Do you seriously not get
what a betrayal that is?

No, of course
you don't.

You know, you say
that you love

all those things about me,

but if you don't understand
that trust is the only thing

that matters
to me, well...

then I, I guess you
don't know me at all.

Or maybe you do
and that's why you did it.

Because you say
you want love,

blah blah, but...

you know,
at the end of the day,

you're just as afraid
of it as I am.

At least I know now

for sure I was right.

We never should have tried to be anything more than friends.

It always screws
everything up.

(Door opens)

(door closes)

Bridget Jones: (on screen)
I have two choices.

To give up and accept
permanent state of spinsterhood

and eventual eating by dogs.

Or not.

- And this time I choose not.
- (Cell phone buzzing)

- I will not be defeated...
- Oh!

...by a bad man
and an American stick insect.

(Beeps)

You ruined...

everything.

A sandwich for Samwich.

So that's it, huh?

You're just never
gonna talk to him again?

Just gonna spend
the rest of your life

burrowed under this duvet,

sweating into my vintage
velvet couch

like some sort
of tragic dust mite?

- (Groans)
- Don't you have to work or something?

- What day is it?
- Friday.

Oh my God,
the rally!

You should probably shower.
You smell really bad.

All right!

Reporter: (on TV) And now to Katie Leonard on the scene

in downtown Chicago. Katie.

Katie: (on TV)
We are coming to you live

from one of the first
big rallies

in what is sure to be
a contentious governor's race.

Mitchell's team has told us
that they plan

on doing
whatever it takes

to take her
to the next level.

After a difficult primary run,
a lot of people were--

♪ I can't write one song ♪

♪ That's not about you ♪

♪ Can't drink without
thinkin' about you ♪

♪ Is it too late
to tell you that ♪

♪ Everything means nothing
if I can't have you? ♪

♪ I can't write one song
that's not about you ♪

♪ Can't drink without
thinkin' about you ♪

♪ Is it too late... ♪

Oh whoa!
Got a wristband?

- Uh, I--
- No wristband, no entry.

♪ I'm so sorry
that my timing's off ♪

♪ But I can't move on
if we're still gonna talk... ♪

Oh, good you're here.
Okay, right through this door. Come on, come on.

Stand there by the door.
Ladies. Ladies.

It's time. Right now.

(Indistinct)
Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!

All right, now remember...

(woman continues talking,
indistinct)

Woman: Energy!
Energy! Energy!

I want you to set up over there.
Come on, let's go.

Big smiles. Big smiles.
There you go.

(Crowd cheering)

Announcer: (over mic)
Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together

for the Illinois Maples
dance team.

(Dance music playing)

Oh!

(Inaudible dialogue)

Cheerleader: Watch out!

- Cheerleader: Look out!
- Whoa!

(Cheerleader grunts)

Hey, come here!

Get off the stage!

Ow!

Yeah! You!

(Both grunting)

(scattered applause)

Man: Whoo!

Um... uh, I...

Sorry. I,
I didn't mean to...

mess things up.

Someone in this very crowd
once told me that

wh-when you make a mess
of things, you gotta fix 'em.

You got to take responsibility
for what you want in this life.

And if you want
the best governor

for your state of Illinois,

then you have to go out there
and accept responsibility,

an-and work as hard as you can
for Lindsay Mitchell!

(Crowd cheering, applauding)

Uh, just...
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Um...

Uh, one more thing.

Sam. Sam Baselli.

Just, just listen
to me. Please.

You were right,
about everything.

I have to take responsibility
for what I did,

and for what I want.

And what I did
was messed up.

And I don't just mean
that opening number.

And what I want
is you.

I'm not going to LA.

There are other jobs.

But... there's
no other Sam Baselli.

You're my best friend, Sam.

And wherever I have to be
so I could fall asleep

with you in my arms and wake up looking in your eyes...

that's where I'm gonna be.

I'm not going anywhere
because...

I love you.

Girl: Aww.

(Clears throat)

And you can trust me
on that.

For real.

Well, are you gonna come up
and kiss him, Sam?

Or should I?

(Lindsay laughing)

(crowd cheering)

(grunts)

(crowd cheering, applauding)

Lindsay:
How about that?

That young man put it all
on the line...

I know you like to be right
about everything,

but you were
so wrong about this.

Friends can fall in love...

and I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life

making sure
you know it.

I don't mind
being wrong.

♪ I'm just wild about Harry ♪

♪ And Harry's wild about me ♪

♪ The heavenly blisses ♪

♪ Of his kisses
fill me with ecstasy ♪

♪ He's sweet
just like chocolate candy ♪

♪ Or just like honey
from a bee ♪

♪ Oh, I'm just wild
about Harry... ♪

Hey!

(Baby giggles)

- How was your day?
- Good.

Yeah? You have
a good day?

Yeah.

- A little bit moody today.
- Aww.

(Indistinct conversation)

♪ Oh, I'm just wild
about Harry ♪

♪ And he's just wild
about me ♪

♪ I'm just wild
about Harry ♪

♪ And Harry's wild
about me ♪

♪ The heavenly blisses ♪

♪ Of his kisses
fill me with ecstasy ♪

♪ He's sweet
just like chocolate candy ♪

♪ Or just like honey
from a bee ♪

♪ Oh, I'm just wild
about Harry ♪

♪ And he's just wild
about me ♪