The Telephone (1988) - full transcript
One evening, unemployed actress Vashti Blue (Whoopi Goldberg) returns to the apartment she shares with her pet goldfish and owl. On the answering machine, Vashti listens to her messages, and hears her agent remind her of an audition, as well as a notification about her overdue telephone bill. She also hears a voice she believes is her former lover, Larry. Throughout the night, Vashti entertains herself by dialing different telephone numbers, talking to the local market, video store, police station, and her friend, Jennifer. The noise from the calls causes Vashti's next-door neighbor to yell at her in frustration. Later, Vashti's former agent, Rodney, and his new client, "Honey Boxe," arrive, asking to use her telephone. However, Vashti refuses Rodney's request. Rodney tells Vashti that her bad attitude always made it difficult to find her acting jobs. Annoyed, Vashti asks Rodney and Honey Boxe to leave. But the best and and most is about to come.
Hi, you guys.
-What's happening, Slick?
-♪ (saxophone music)
-How you doing?
-How you doing?
Good.
♪ (saxophone music)
(humming)
Hey, how you doing?
Max, Max, how you doing?
I am glad to see you.
I got to go
to a costume fitting,
I need a couple of bucks.
-I am late.
-Oh yeah, okay.
I thought you were
in Kansas doing Falstaff.
Falstaff will have to wait.
Max: I am sick of being broke.
Sick of it!
This other job pays
a lot more money
and it's right here
in the city.
-Really? What is it?
-It's a commercial.
It's for Faffner's
Fine Franks and Fancy Hams.
When are you gonna do
some Shakespeare again?
You were the finest
Cleopatra I have ever seen.
Thanks, Max. You were
not bad in that yourself.
Ha-ha, yeah...
what's happened to our Antony,
the great Larry?
We are not together anymore.
Max:
Oh, I am sorry to hear that.
Those beastly reviewers!
You know what Dickens
called the critics?
Crickets!
That's what he called them.
Crickets! Little tiny bugs.
Max, you're probably
the only one
in the world that knows that.
You know what Nietzsche
called his sister?
Bye! I'll see ya.
(people arguing
in the background)
-Hello, big Bert.
-(owl hooting)
You know what I brought ya?
I brought you three
little-bitty blind mice.
Blue: What do you think of that?
Yeah!
Alright, I lied. I brought you
a piece of uncooked Big Mac.
Don't look away from me
when I am talking to you.
What's the matter? Come on!
Hey, you mad at me?
Okay.
Alright, I'm not gonna
speak to you either.
Really?
Oh, now you want attention.
Forget it, Bert.
Meet me downstairs.
(telephone ringing)
(telephone ringing)
(telephone ringing)
Hello?
I've been calling you.
I let it ring and ring and
ring. Where were you?
I was in the shower.
♪ (jazz music)
You there old fool?
-Hey, you there?
-♪ (jazz music)
Hey, how now, Mob?
How you doing?
You hungry? I bet you are.
I bet you are very hungry.
Well, wrap your cute little
chops around this.
Here you go.
(owl hooting)
Mr. Marshall.
Mr. Bert Marshall, I presume.
You know
you guys, yes, yes,
you guys look so much alike.
Jesus! Here, come on.
Good boy, good boy.
Look at that.
You guys look just the same.
You got the same round head.
Same round eyes.
Same round body.
Shit! You probably got
the same round mother!
Here you go.
Where you gonna go?
Want to sit?
No? Or walk?
Come... well...
Alright.
You can hang out over there
as long as you don't
drop that thing on the bed.
(whistling a tune)
(clapping hands)
(water flowing from faucet)
Burt, roach kill now!
Good boy.
(whistling a tune)
Midge:
Hi, Blue.
It's Midge at the agency.
Did Mr. Stein call regarding an
audition on Friday? Thank you.
(humming a tune)
-(answering machine beep)
-Hey, foxy mamma.
Ready for a blast
from your hot loving past?
Sure you are.
We've got some heat about to
come down on this place.
I'll call you later.
We get down!
I really can't understand
what you're saying
but I'll try it again.
Oh god, I hate these machines.
(answering machine beep)
-(humming a tune)
-(answering machine beep)
Hello, Miss Blue,
This is Mrs. Cronkite
of City Gas and Electric.
Last time we spoke you said
the payment would be
immediately forthcoming.
Call customer service
regarding your
overdue balance.
(answering machine beep)
(humming a tune)
Hey, hey, away from the toes.
I'm not that kind of girl.
Stop sucking my toes, boy.
(answering machine beep)
Swimming, swimming, swimming
in the swimming pool
goes Moby Dick.
Miss Blue,
this is Miss Butterworth,
calling in regards to
your overdue telephone bill.
Call me at the
business office.
Up yours, crone.
Thank you.
You are making me
hot and bothered, fish.
(answering machine beep)
Hey, pretty mamma,
Big Ray from East LA.
Give me a call,
we've got it--
You got nothing I need.
Baby, I got
everything you need.
You got nothing.
I'm here at a bar in Berkley,
can you dig it?
I don't know
the name of the bar
but this is why I've recorded
the number of the telephone.
4-9-9-7-7-1-3.
Call me and get down.
(answering machine beep)
Moby, Moby!
Damn! Moby!
Swim, swim, stroke, stroke.
Swim, boy, swim.
Way to go, buddy, way to go.
Good boy, good boy.
That's the last time
we go swimming together.
Hi, Linda.
Yeah, it's Blue.
Yeah, good. How you doing?
Good.
Getting any?
Yeah, me neither.
So, is Mr. Stein around?
What do you mean you'll see?
You can't see from
where you are sitting?
No, I am returning his call.
Well, I am sorry but I,
you know...
No, don't put me on hold.
No, don't, don't put me on--
You know I could--
Well--
Yeah, okay. I'll hold.
George?
Linda? Shit!
Where's George?
Well, I am sorry
but that's not my fault.
What? Oh yeah?
Well, look, I don't need this.
You don't need this.
So let's forget it, okay!
Fine. Goodbye.
Christmas in July.
Starring the fabulous,
Herbert Marshall.
To hell with the titles.
I don't know if
you've ever heard it.
But there's an old legend
about three people
who lived in the
city of eternal night.
Their city was in ruins.
But they saw it
not as a fallen citadel
but as a great
and beautiful...
This is where
it should begin, dammit.
Shit!
Hi, Jen, it's me. You know--
What?
Yeah, I'll wait.
Bert, I swear to god,
if you drop
that bug's head on my pillow...
Hi, remember the movie we
went to see the other night?
The Frank Capra film?
Yeah.
K-Y Madness.
No, it's a joke.
It wasn't called K-Y--
Well, you know what K-Y is.
You never heard
of K-Y jelly, Jen?
It's a lubricant.
No, it's a sexual lubricant.
I can't believe it.
Do you think Frank Capra
would really make a film
called K-Y Madness?
No, but it was a joke.
Yes, yes, yes!
Good, Jen.
Jesus, girl.
Anyway, remember the movie
we went to see?
It was
Christmas in July,
with Jimmy Stewart
and Donna Reed.
Yeah.
And a great backup cast
headed up by the late,
great Bert Marshall.
Yes! Yes!
So, I go to the store,
I rent it.
I am sitting here. I cannot
find the sleigh ride sequence.
Yeah...
no, no, no, no.
I mean, look,
the important thing
really is that you know,
somebody has butchered
Christmas in July
.
And you know what
I am gonna do?
I think I'm gonna take
myself down
to that video-cassette store
and I'm gonna kick some ass.
What?
Southern-- this ain't no
Southern accent.
This is what they call
Texas accent,
the great, Southwest.
Oh, you remember who could do
a really good Southern accent,
don't you?
Yeah.
I mean Larry was good at that.
He's very good at that.
Well, no, but that's not true.
It's not true.
No.
I told him all,
I told him all the time.
You know, I would sit down
and I would say, you know,
"Shit, you're doing great".
You know,
I was very supportive.
I think I was
incredibly supportive
under the circumstances,
you know.
And I told him, I said,
"Man, you know,
you are really talented."
Well, how do
you make somebody--
how do you make
somebody believe
that they've got something
that they don't think
they have?
No, no...
I mean, no, I am very aware
of why he left.
Okay it's because...
no, it wasn't a week.
I was gone for
a couple of days.
It was a couple of days, Jen.
It wasn't like I was
gone for months.
No, they gave me
great reviews.
They gave me--
if I had a blown this man
I couldn't have
gotten a better review.
And they didn't mention him.
And that's what
pissed him off.
(owl hooting)
Jen...
Thanks.
Bye.
♪ (piano music)
(owl hooting)
(owl hooting)
Well...
Who? (in a hooting voice).
Who? (in a hooting voice).
Me...
(owl hooting)
Don't you bullshit me, child.
You know you want a condo.
What about a chateau?
Let's talk about a house.
We want it all,
isn't that right?
Yeah.
"-What do we want?
-A house.
-When do we want it?
-Now."
What do you think?
We want it all, right, boys?
Ain't that right?
We want it all.
So, what are you looking at?
I mean, do I have spinach
in my teeth or something?
Huh?
Yeah.
Hello, operator.
Can you give me the number
to Big Vic's Video, please?
Oh no, never mind. I got it
here on the bag, thank you.
Hello, Big Vic's Video?
Yeah, can I...
speak to Big Vic, please?
What do you mean there is
no Big Vic at Big Vic's Video?
I just guess there is no
teenie-weenie Vic there
either, huh?
Well, fine I'll talk to
the manager.
Yeah, hi.
My name is Vashti Blue.
I live at 1751 10th Street.
And I rented what was
supposed to be
a full-length version
of the Frank Capra film,
Christmas in July.
Yeah. Well, I've spent an hour
searching for the
sleigh ride sequence
and it's not there.
I mean, it's just been--
No, no, I'm sorry,
we're talking about
time wasted, sir.
I mean this is
time lost forever,
down the drain.
You know what I'm saying,
gone, gone, gone, kaput,
etcetera, etcetera!
I mean...
well, Mr. Big Vic manager,
let's see what the police
authority have to say
about the nature of your game,
thank you very much.
Jesus!
Hello, operator.
Can you give me the police?
What precinct?
I don't know.
I live at 1751 10th Street.
Get me the nearest
precinct to that address.
Thank you.
Hello?
Who?
Well, Sergeant Beckett,
if indeed that is your name,
can you give me
the bunco squad, please?
Yeah, the bunco squad,
isn't that who deals with
fraudulent practices?
Yes, fraudulent practices,
Mr. racist man!
Well, look,
I am talking to you about
what was supposed to be
a full-length uncut version
of Frank Capra's film
Christmas in July.
The Chamber of Commerce,
are you serious?
I want action. I want...
recourse!
And I want them both.
I want them now!
What do you mean
Capra never made a film
called
Christmas in July ?
What are you,
some kind of Capra nut?
You know, I happen to be
paying your salary,
Mr. Sergeant Samuel A Beckett!
What? No, please in God's name
don't put me on hold!
Look...
Look, you probably think
I am making this up,
you know. But you...
you sound like a really
sharp Dick Tracy type.
Let me ask you something.
Are you able to trace
phone calls?
Yeah, like the one
I am making to you now.
Well, can you trace it?
Well, how the hell
am I supposed to know
where I am then!
Hello?
Alright!
Which one of you guys
raided the fridge?
Huh?
Was it you?
Ah, yes, I think so.
I think so.
I think I know who it is.
Smoked my cigarettes too, huh?
Where do I have cigarettes?
(dog barking)
♪ (jazz music)
(humming a tune)
One cigarette,
I only have one cigarette.
Let's call the market.
Just call the market.
It's not a problem.
Hello, Cora's market?
Yeah, this is Vashti Blue,
at 1751 10th Street.
Apartment 4-2-B.
Yeah, as in
"to be or not to be."
Right!
Well, look it seems as though
we're out of cigarettes here.
It's a bit of a shortage,
it's really a veritable dearth,
you might say.
Well, Marlboro is the brand
of choice,
soft pack please.
Well, no, that's all.
Just one pack,
I am trying to cut down,
you know.
Doctor's orders.
Jesus, yes, I used to
smoke two packs a day,
you ready for that?
Oh yeah,
Gauloises, unfiltered.
Oh, you know the cigarette?
Yes, it's French.
Very French.
Very dark tobacco.
Tabac du Afrique,
the French love to call it.
What?
Oh, no, I know you're busy.
Oh, no, of course
I would expect that.
I mean, Jesus, you've got quite
an area over there, you know.
No, no, I...
I really understood you.
I understand you, really.
I mean,
you don't make deliveries
for one pack of cigarettes.
God, how much clearer
could it be!
Well, send over a carton.
Yes, send over a carton,
Mr. cancer man!
Oh! Just kidding!
What? You don't make
deliveries for less than $20?
Are you serious?
Well, alright then.
We'll make up the difference.
Let's talk about staples.
Yeah, everybody could use
a staple or two, am I right?
Well, don your thinking cap,
Mr. staple man!
What do you think?
Let's talk about getting some
eggs, mints, cheese,
mayonnaise, milk.
Parmesan cheese,
I don't know, what else!
Well, Jesus, I mean I could
use some flour and butter
sugar, salt, pepper, you know.
We are talking about
major staples.
Now look,
what else would you recommend?
I mean,
if it was you talking to me,
what would you want to hear?
Ah, meat market!
Delicatessen.
Ah... alright.
Hello, Deli...
You say New Delhi and
I say Old Delhi, what's that?
Oh, you don't...
you sounded...
don't worry about it.
Yes, you are young gentleman
in Old Delhi
and I am young miss lately
of New Delhi.
It's very funny, yes? Is it?
Oh, yes.
Yup. Yes, young sir, please.
Do you have
the good curry powder?
Yes, yes, yes.
You have the good chutney?
And do you have the chutney
from the region of Madras?
Yes, yes, yes,
oh this is wonderful.
And you have the
good peel of Calcutta?
It's very funny,
peel off of Calcutta!
That's what most people
in Calcutta do, they peel off!
Yes.
Oh, oh, do you have
a good ripe mango fruit?
You know,
it's the fruit
of great passion.
Or perhaps you know this.
Yes, you do.
What a smart young man you are.
And now, sir,
because we speak and think
only of great passion,
tell me, do you perform the
positions of the Kama Sutra?
Yes, the Kama Sutra!
This is our sacred book
of love and lovemaking!
You see, I have a copy
even before me now
profusely illustrated.
I am never without it.
Let us now consider
the ever popular and
sacred position number nine.
In this sacred position,
I will lie supine--
You know what supine means?
Yes, upon my back
with a silken cushion
beneath my fabulous derriere.
My pear-shaped breasts
thrusting upwards.
Yes, it's a provocative kind
of manner, don't you think?
Oh, it's so.
And my exquisite lamp
beginning to moisten
and sweaten and tingle.
Oh-ho,
you are very funny, yes.
And you, your turn.
Oh, you must lower your head
of your person ever so slowly.
But wait, young sir,
please let's speak momentarily
of your sexual endowment.
For you see there are
certain sacred positions,
which require an adequate,
not just a teeny one,
an adequate endowment,
if they are to be performed
to the best advantage.
Now then,
in all frankness, tell me,
would you say that you are
endowed like a pigeon,
or more like a hawk?
Would you liken your endowment
to that of a gazelle,
or that of a donkey?
Or that with a gentle dolphin?
Or would you say you are
more hung like a swamp gator?
Hello?
Hello?
Masai!
All that talk about vitals
has left me a might peckish.
(humming)
Welcome to the House of Yap.
(humming)
This is the house where we all
make Japanese friendship.
(humming)
I am a person who gonna
make you full tonight.
Good to see you, Bert.
Please, it's very interesting
to see all of you here.
What bring you
to House of Yap?
(humming)
Perhaps you heard story
of how House of Yap
came to be.
(humming)
Our founder, Mr. Lopy,
he come one day and tell
story about honorable wife.
Here is Mr. Yap,
here is Mrs. Yap.
Off he go to war one day
saying to honorable wife,
"Don't get nooky without me".
She said, "How can
I keep myself together?"
He said, "I don't care.
I put chastity belt on you."
That's what he did,
ladies and gentlemen.
Chastity belt.
Chastity belt would have very
one specific strange thing.
Chastity belt have
the guillotine.
(humming)
Off Mr. Yap go to fight
for honor and dignity.
(humming)
But honorable wife
have a good time.
Sort of whoop it up.
This is Japanese joke.
Very funny, House of Yap.
Now, he come back one day
only to discover
many soldier with penis gone.
(humming)
Gone!
But, all across his property
many, many, many warrior
stand going, "Oh, shit!"
"Oh, shit!"
Honorable Yap was
very disappointed.
He say to wife,
"You've been with every Tom,
Dick and Lopy."
Get it? Very, very funny joke
here at House of Yap.
(humming)
So, then he look up
on hill and see only one
honorable, honorable man
standing penis erect in place.
(humming)
He rush up to man and he say,
"You only honorable man here.
Tell me how can I take care
of you. What can I do?"
Man tell,
"My fend, I dun no."
Thank you very much,
thank you very much.
This all part of your
Lope Yap fun house.
Very funny, thank you.
Thank you, oh no, please.
-Please, thank you.
-(banging on the wall)
Neighbor:
You'll make anybody
go crazy with that noise.
Say what?
What... where... what?
You know what I say,
Miss noise maker.
I will call the super.
What are you going to
call him, honey?
Shit, I didn't even know
you was there.
Shit, I came and knocked on the
door and nobody say anything,
I just naturally assumed
you was dead.
But I guess,
no such luck, huh.
I am going to get you
evicted from this building
because you're nothing but
a crazy noise maker in there.
I call Immigration.
I call the Green Card man.
Oh really?
Well, let me tell you
something.
Honey, it just so happens that
I'm entertaining here tonight.
That's right,
I am entertaining people
from the big world of
show business, that's right.
And I don't need any more
interference from you,
what do you think of that?
-(banging on door)
-And I have people,
I have people...
What's that happening in there,
Leroy, leave that woman alone.
Say, baby,
you want some big black snake,
I got some for you
to put right in your mouth.
Leroy, leave that woman alone.
Oh, I just love it when
Leroy does crazy--
Steven, please,
Leroy doesn't understand
that he's got a foolish,
big lip crack headed woman
on the other side of the door.
And if you
keep encouraging him,
he's just going to flip out.
Well, I don't understand
what's the matter with her.
Please, Contessa,
don't start--
Well, I think
it's very disgusting of you
to come in and invade
our party this way.
-
No parties allowed in here.
-Oh, this is not something we
must discuss now, is it?
Oh, my god, Helga, please.
-Don't start with her.
-Don't start with me.
Hey baby, let me have some
pussy in there.
Leave her for Christ sake!
Leave me alone.
Stop that bad talking
in there.
I am calling the super.
I am calling
the Green Card man.
Hey bitch,
what you doing in there?
What you doing in there, baby?
Now please don't start
with everybody.
We have some very important
people coming tonight.
This is not the kind of party
which I want to be a party to.
Don't start, Helga.
What's the matter
with the woman in there?
She seems to have a
bit of a problem with us.
I don't think
she has a problem.
What do you think that is?
Oh, darling, I think it's
really quite important for her
to be able to enunciate
the things which are
truly bothering her.
Hey, baby,
come on let me have some.
Leave her for God sake, Leroy.
Leave her, Leroy!
Come on, baby,
I'm going to give you some.
You are disgusting!
-What's the matter with you?
-(dog barking)
Why are you such a bitch
anyway?
I'm just entertaining friends.
And as a matter of fact,
if you are very nice to us
perhaps we'll let you here.
But we have special guests
this evening.
People who come all the way
from London
to speak the spoken word.
Oh, they are here now!
Oh, Derrick,
it's so good to see you.
It's Derrick and Penelope,
we are here to entertain--
Oh, my god! It's so wonderful
to see you again.
You know everybody, don't you?
Of course, my dear.
You know that
that is what they want.
Yes, of course, how do you do?
Well, first Steven,
I want you to meet
Leroy Brown.
Say man,
you the hell it is true?
That's right, sir.
Oh come on and give me
something here.
-That's some funny shit--
-Leroy, stop!
Alright, man!
Shit, I just trying to act--
Leroy, stop!
-Contessa, please continue.
-Thank you very much.
Well, I want to introduce
you to the Dante's.
I want to introduce you
to Leroy and to Steven,
who is a little bit fay,
but that's okay,
nobody matters.
How do you do?
Oh, I am so glad to--
God, it's so really cool to--
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Don't come on to my company.
Alright. God!
What's the matter with you?
Well, I am really upset
because this stupid woman
on the other side of the door
doesn't seem to have
her shit together today.
-(dog barking)
-Isn't that true?
Stop it! You are crazy.
(dog barking)
I am not crazy.
I am simply entertaining
my friends.
And as these people have come
all the way from London,
I think that I would like to
hear them do a little bit of
Shakespeare.
-What do you think?
-Well, I don't think that
Shakespeare is really the
thing we need to hear tonight.
I don't understand
why everyone wants to
listen to
Shakespeare, Shakespeare,
Shakespeare!
Helga, please.
I can't hold my tongue
anymore, ja!
I want to hear
Nietzsche, Rilke,
anything which has to do
with the German people. Heil!
What do you mean?
Leroy, please don't start
with me.
Stop please.
I fear...
I fear something
spectacular coming on.
(plates crashing and breaking)
You foreigners are ruining
this country.
The Green Card men
will get rid of you.
Shall we begin?
I think so.
May I present to you
Penelope Parker,
first grand dame
-of the theatre of--
-Thank you.
You know
when I think of all
the places I've played,
I cannot say that
I have e'er been mo'ed
as I am mo'ed by
your company, madam.
Thank you so fucking much.
Shit! Coming from you
that's a real...
you know.
You're going to speak?
Yes, but I must prepare...
Shh!
-What's the bitch gonna do?
-Shut up! Leroy!
Thus play I in one pre--
Many persons many people
and none contented
Sometimes am I king
and then treason makes me
wish myself a beggar
and so I am.
Then crushing poverty
persuades me
that I was better when a king
Then am I king'd again,
and by and by
think that I am unking'd
and straight am nothing.
But where nor I nor any man
but man is
with nothing shall be pleased,
till he be eased
with being nothing.
Music do I hear?
Ha, ha!
Keep time.
How sour sweet music is
when time is broke
and no proportion kept!
So is it in the
music of men's lives.
I wasted time
and now doth time waste me.
Thank you, thank you, no, no,
please thank you,
thank you all.
Thank you all, thank you.
Thank you!
Thank you!
(cars crashing into
each other out on the street)
(cars crashing into
each other out on the street)
And now doth time waste me.
(sirens blaring on the street)
(people screaming and arguing)
(sirens blaring on the street)
(people screaming and arguing)
Hello, Mrs. Butterworth?
My name is Blue, Vashti Blue.
I live at 1751 10th Street.
And I am calling you
about my overdue bill.
No, I got a notice from you
saying my bill was overdue.
-2-9-9-4-9-9-3.
-(sirens)
Yeah, how much is it?
Sixty five dollars, ah, okay.
What kind of credit questions?
I thought
I answered all of those
when I first got the phone.
Yeah.
Yes, I am still an actor.
I beg your pardon!
Now, tell me Mrs. Butterworth
why would you consider me
to be a "high risk"?
Yes, but why do you need
a security deposit against me?
I am not a high risk client.
Well, I am sorry
I don't believe--
Look, why didn't you
mention this
when I came in to get
a phone originally?
Well, are you going to blame
every actor in the world
for this?
What?
Fine, just, what--
just how much is it?
What?!
Lady,
I don't make that kinda--
Fine.
Yes, thank you very much. Yes.
God!
Hi, Jen, it's me.
Well, I know I sound excited.
I just got off the phone
with the phone company.
You know what they told me?
They want $65 and cents 20
which I owe them
on an overdue bill.
Plus they want a $500 deposit.
Yes, a $500 deposit,
$565 and 20 cents.
Yes!
Well, I know that but I
don't have the money.
Well, I'll just have to find
it somewhere, won't I?
Oh yeah, right!
Me sell the animals, right!
Yeah. Thanks, Jen,
that's real helpful.
Yes, yes, I know that
Larry would know what to do.
Would you like me to tell you
what he would tell me?
He would say,
"Sell your wedding rings."
And specifically he would tell
me to sell my engagement ring,
which then I would have
to remind him
isn't worth shit because
it's Cubic Zirconia.
Yes, no, it's phony.
Jen, it's cheap.
He gave it to me out of love.
Well, is it my fault?
No!
Listen,
Judy Garland 155 years ago
ran up a bill in Dallas, Texas
and left and didn't pay.
Yes!
Yes, now I have to pay
for some dumb thing
that she pulled 155 years ago.
I don't know she probably
paid him later on, who knows!
Well, I don't know.
I don't know,
I'll get it from somewhere.
Can I borrow some
money from you?
I forgot.
I forgot!
What do you want from me?
No, she doesn't have
any money.
Jennifer, my mother
does not have any money.
No, I don't have any either.
I don't know... shit!
I know if it's not one thing
it's another.
What are you gonna do, right?
What are you gonna do?
In the words of
Scarlett O'Hara,
"Fuck 'em!
I'll think about it tomorrow."
No, she didn't really say that.
No, Jen... Jen, forgive me.
I am looking at the window
there's incredible
gridlock outside.
I want to check it out.
Okay.
No, I'll talk to you later.
(sirens getting louder)
Yes...
Yeah.
Alright.
Bye.
(woman screaming
and wailing)
(woman screaming
and wailing)
(sirens)
(woman screaming
and wailing)
Top of the evening to you,
Dial-a-Priest,
who am I speaking to?
Father O'Dwyer, oh, I see.
And in fact,
you are a genuine priest.
Well, father,
before I get into
what it is
I've called you about,
could you offer up a prayer
now for all the people
who are maimed or taken apart
on the freeways of our fine,
fine city?
Yes, I'd like--
I would love that, sir.
Thank you.
And now, father, are you
ready to take my confession?
Oh, yes,
I quite understand that.
I'll give you my
credit card number
when I am satisfied
you are a true
and real priest.
What diocese do you represent?
Diocese, father, diocese!
Yes, I understand that,
which one do you represent?
Ah...
well, do you have any one
there from the
Holy Temple of the
Blessed Lamb and Virgin?
Oh, fine, that will be fine.
Now, let me ask you
something, father,
then I'll give you my
Visa card number
straight away.
What's the very worse thing
ever confessed to you?
And you could still give
him absolution
and your blessing, father?
Because I don't want to
spring my plastic,
you see, until I am dead sure
that I can receive from you
absolution and a blessing.
Oh, that's fine,
that'll be fine.
Now, father, just one more
thing before we begin.
What are you wearing under
that dark cassock of yours?
Yes, up under the cassock, fa--
Hello?
Hello?
Well, I wasn't all that sure
you were a true priest
from the giddy-up, sir!
Alive, alive, oh-o
Singing cockles and mussels
Alive, alive, oh-o
-Can you all see over there?
-Yeah.
Can you hear me?
A little.
Those are shitty seats,
you know.
(laughter)
Don't worry about it,
I'm going to come over there
later on.
-How you doing?
-Good.
Good. I feel like shit.
-How are you?
-Fine.
You know, I am ill.
I got a cold.
You know fucking is
the worst thing for a cold.
You know, people stick
their tongues in your mouth,
and that's for the cold fun.
Who the hell wants to be laid
by-- by the cold?
that's what I want to know.
(laughter)
A ducky face?
(laughter)
How's that for a ducky face?
(laughter)
(knocking on the door)
Who is it?
Rodney:
It's Rodney, your
ex-agent, who still loves you.
♪ (jazz music)
-Darling!
-Hello, Rodney.
What... brings you to
this neck of the woods?
Well, we are not
fully moved into
our new suite of offices yet
and I stopped by to
pick up some mail.
I want you to meet
a new client of mine.
Say hello to
the fabulous Honey Boxe.
That's Boxe with an "e".
Don't you just love it?
It drives my publicity
department up a wall.
-This is Blue.
-I am very glad to know you.
Rodney has told me
so much about you.
I am sure he has.
Look, it's nice to meet you
but I am in the--
Oh, no, no, thank you,
we can't stay.
We have an appointment
with Al Goldstein,
in approximately 45 minutes.
It looks like Honey is
going to be landing
a very choice role.
We were in the building
and I wanted to say hello
-and use your phone.
-Ah, look...
I am glad to see you,
hello to you,
hello to Honey Boxe
with an "e"
but I am expecting
a very important call.
Oh, anything an agent
should handle?
Rodney, you are not my agent
anymore. Remember?
So let's forget that.
Look, I am in the middle of
a lot of stuff.
It's good to see you,
I really got to get back--
You-- just go on
and do your work.
We'll wait for your phone call
to come through
and then I can use the phone.
Meanwhile, we are here
you might as well
take advantage of it.
-We'll be a captive audience.
-I know--
Now you put that
perfect little piece of
pink prime right here, baby.
And keep it warm
for your Uncle Rodney.
Wow! You haven't lost
any of your
je ne sais quoi
, have you?
So they tell me.
But then you really never
got to know me in that way,
did you, Blue? I mean
in a purely biblical sense.
Yes, well, Rodney,
I do recall telling you,
however if you got me some
work on the legitimate stage,
screen or tube, that I would
blow you in Macy's window.
You see, Miss Honey,
he couldn't quite get it up.
She's a pisser,
did I tell you?
Did I tell you!
You know, kiddo, you know
what your problem is, kiddo.
Come here,
you don't even know how
to be nice to the producer.
And do you know what
your problem is, Rodney?
You are a dickhead!
(laughter)
Okay!
Dickhead.
Okay, okay.
Okay...
Just roast down my back.
Like a duck, huh?
Let's take a look
at this routine of yours.
Look, I got to get back
to work, okay.
I just--
Oh, I would love to
see your tape.
Turn it up.
Honey, you really want to
see this?
-Yeah.
-You really want to see it?
-Yeah!
-Vashti: Really?
Yes!
Yeah, okay.
Let's try...
Check the patient.
(laughter)
Who wants the ducky face?
-(laughter)
-That's funny!
(laughter)
Everybody told me I should
myself all the time,
you know.
(laughter)
(laughter)
That's so funny!
That's the shitiest tape
I have ever seen.
It's putrid.
You look like a splotch.
Like a Xerox splotch.
(laughter)
What the hell are you
laughing at?
She's funny, can't you see
the audience loves her?
You think that is funny?
That is tasteless!
Blue,
I think you are terrific.
Rodney,
when am I gonna be on a tape?
-I want to make a tape.
-Are you kidding me?
I would never allow
a client of mine
to appear in a piece
of dreck like that.
You might as well be
in a porno skin flick.
Rodney babe, it's all
in the eye of the beholder.
That's right!
-I think she is funny.
-Oh yeah?
Wait outside, cunt!
What?
Rodney: I just want to talk
with lady privately, okay!
Rodney: Outside.
-Well, thanks, Blue.
-Miss Boxe, my pleasure.
I think you are terrific.
You actually consider
that crap to be humorous?
Rodney, does-- Hey, hey,
that's my last Marlboro.
You mind not taking
my last cigarette, please.
I'll buy you a carton.
Thank you.
That's so Caucasian of you.
Look it doesn't say
humorous person on my mailbox.
It says V Blue. Period.
How do you know it's not
going to get better,
funnier, brighter with time?
-Please, I don't think so.
-Vashti: Oh, give me a break!
Now, you remember
I broke my bottom
trying to get you
commercial work. Remember?
You broke nothing
trying to get me--
And you didn't get any work
because of your attitude.
Attitude, girl.
The correct attitude.
You know, you are right.
The more I think about it
the righter you are.
And you know,
I've been working on
something kinda special.
And I think...
I think you'll like it,
Rodney.
I think you should sit down,
Rodney, 'cause...
this is something I feel like
is just for you.
You know I based it on
Salome's Dance
of the Seven Veils.
Honey:
Rodney!
Would you wait
in the fucking car!
But I call it the "Dance of the
Seven Flatulencies".
(humming)
The first flatulence
is dedicated
to the dickhead producers.
(making fart sounds)
(humming)
And the second
to asshole agents.
(making fart sounds)
You get my drift, Rodney?
(making fart sounds)
What's the matter,
you seem a little nervous.
I mean these flatulencies
were made just for you.
-(making fart sounds)
-Christ Almighty!
You know you should
see a psychiatrist.
A shrink,
you should see a shrink!
Rodney:
Go to a hospital
for the insane!
-Yeah!
-(owl hooting)
So now prosperity
begins to mellow
and drop into the
rotten mouth of death.
Here in these confines slyly
have I lurked to watch the
waning of mine enemies.
Owl, thou did prophesize
the time would come
that I should wishfully
to help thee curse that
bottled spider,
that foul hunched-back toad.
Earth gapes
hell burns,
fiends roar, saints pray,
to have him suddenly
conveyed from hence.
Cancel his bond of life,
dear god I pray,
that I may live and say,
"Rodney...
is dead."
I am going to get
you evicted from this building.
Thank you, no, no, please.
Thank you so much.
-(banging on door)
-Thank you.
No, no, we must have music
to soothe our savage beast,
shan't we? Yes.
(owl hooting)
♪ (music)
(banging on door)
Hey, the music is loud!
(banging on door)
Do you hear me?
♪ One Love One Heart
♪ Let's get together
and feel all right ♪
♪ Hear the children cryin'
♪ One Love!
♪ Hear the children cryin'
♪ One Heart!
♪ Sayin' give thanks and
praise to the Lord ♪
(neighbor screaming
outside the door)
♪ and I will feel all right
♪ Sayin' let's get together
and feel all right ♪
(neighbor screaming
outside the door)
♪ Wo-wo-wo
♪ Let them all pass
all their dirty remarks ♪
♪ One Love!
♪ There is one question
I'd really love to ask ♪
♪ One Heart!
♪ Is there a place
for the hopeless sinner ♪
(neighbor screaming
outside the door)
♪ Who has hurt all mankind
just to save his
own beliefs? ♪
♪ One Love!
♪ What about the one heart?
One Heart! ♪
♪ What about-- Let's get
together and feel all right ♪
♪ Let's get together to fight
this Holy Armagedd-i-yon ♪
♪ One Love!
♪ So when the man comes
there will be no, no doom ♪
I'm sorry,
did you say something?
You drive me crazy!
-What's the matter?
-I'm trying to get some sleep.
Oh, wait, wait...
♪ The Father of Creation
♪ One Love!
♪ What about the one Heart?
♪ One Heart!
♪ What about the-- Let's get
together and feel all right ♪
-♪ I'm pleadin' to mankind
-(banging on door)
Could you please stop
making all that noise?
I have to check
my answering machine.
(neighbor complaining
outside the door)
... can't understand
what you're saying
but I'll try it again.
Oh, god,
I hate these machines.
Hush up in there, I am trying
to check my stuff, lady.
I really can't understand
what you're saying
but I'll try it again.
Oh, god,
I hate these machines.
Oh, god,
I hate these machines.
Hi, Jen, it's me.
I want you to
listen to something.
No, really, I want you to just
listen to something, okay.
Hold on.
(answering machine beep)
I really can't understand
what you're saying
but I'll try it again.
Oh, god,
I hate these machines.
Who does that sound like?
Can you--
Well, no, you hear
the way he said machine?
Just the idea of him
saying machine.
You know who it is.
He hated machines.
Are you trying to tell me that
you don't think it's possible
that it was him calling
and disguising his voice?
Here, wait a minute.
Oh, I get it.
Oh, I see, you don't have time
to like
check this out with me.
No, excuse me, Miss
I-am-too-busy-for-my-friends.
No, it's not problem for me.
It's not a big deal for me,
Jennifer.
I mean,
Jesus Christ, you know, I...
I don't think
that it's so hard
for you to do this for me.
Now, just listen
one more time, okay?
...what are you saying
but I'll try it again.
Oh, god,
I hate these machines.
Hi.
Didn't it sound like him?
Well, yes, of course,
I slowed it down.
That's how you make
an ID on a phone,
you slow it down.
That's what they did
in the Kennedy case.
It's a voice print.
Okay, fine. No problem.
Yeah, just...
Jennifer, I just want you
to listen to this, okay.
Because I think that you can
really help me identify
the person on the phone.
I think it's Larry, okay!
What do you mean
what's the matter with you!
There's nothing wrong with me.
No, I am not tense.
I am not tensed at all.
I just wanted your help.
That's all.
I just want you to help me
ID this thing.
That's all.
Oh, well, yes, excuse me. I
see you have to get your rest.
Well, Jennifer, let me
tell you something, you know.
I haven't slept for a couple
of days now, you know that.
No, I haven't.
I haven't, no!
I've been sitting around
trying to figure out
what's going on
on this machine, see?
But I don't have
any friends anymore.
Anyone to check it with,
you see.
So, no, yes, of course.
I've tried Percodan,
I've tried Demerol.
I've tried Nembutal.
Yes, I've taken them all.
As a matter of fact
I took so many of them
the other night I got up
and I got over to the middle
of the floor and collapsed.
Yes, because I couldn't
get out of the chair.
You know what I am saying.
I got up and
I couldn't like get it
together to walk, Jennifer.
I mean, I have been
taking so many pills
to just try to keep myself
in some kind of order
that I am a little...
I'm a little...
I'm a little over-sensitzed.
You understand
what I am saying?
Well, it just so happens
that all I can seem to do is
think about Larry, you know.
So that's why
I am calling you.
That's why I am calling you
because you are my friend,
you know.
And I... I...
I can't quite take it
any more, you know!
I've... tried everything.
God, I have sat there,
I have tried to immerse myself
in some kind of mind fluid
that will
black his face up for me.
But unfortunately
I can't seem to do it.
Do you know what I am saying,
Jennifer?
I just can't seem to quite
get it together,
to get this guy out
of my mind. You understand?
It was quite a run,
don't you think?
Well, I...
I just...
God, I'm real
embarrassed now. God!
Yeah, I'll breathe.
Yeah, it's okay,
I'm breathing, Jennifer.
It's okay.
You know,
guy is showing me
all sorts of memory there.
Who knows this...
This could be the beginning
of some award winning
performance, Jennifer.
And just think...
You were there,
you were the midwife.
Ain't it great?
Christ!
The time you start
freaking, you know.
I should just sit down
and remember that
piece that Sam used to do,
remember?
Yeah, I did it for you
when we first met.
Yeah.
Yeah, from
Blues for Mr. Charlie.
It was a classic.
He lay beside me
on that bed like a rock.
As heavy as if it were
like he had fallen,
fallen so far and
landed so heavy.
He seemed to be
sinking out of sight,
with one knee
pointing to heaven.
My god,
he covered me like that...
He wasn't at all
like I thought he was.
He fell on...
He fell on me like
life and death.
My god, his chest, his belly,
the rise and the fall
and the moans.
How he clung, how he
struggled, life and death.
Why did it seem
to me like tears.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a gorgeous piece.
Oh shit, Diana Sands, man!
She killed with it.
She was something.
She probably had
Larry in her life too.
Yeah.
Boy...
I didn't realize
it was so late.
Um,
right, you know...
Do what you...
go do... you know.
I'll just,
I'll call you later.
No, I'm just gonna
stay and I'll...
I'm expecting
a couple of calls.
Yeah.
Thanks, though.
Yeah, I'll talk to you later.
Yeah, have fun.
Bye.
(bird twitter)
(saxophone playing
in the background)
(sirens)
♪ (Jazz standard
Sweet Georgia Brown) ♪
(answering machine beep)
It's me again. Big Ray, from
East LA, 4-9-9-7-7-1-3.
And baby, I've got
everything you need.
The Saint's bar and grill?
Great, can I speak to
Big Ray, please?
Yeah, Big Ray,
you know Big Ray.
Actually he is not
as big as he thinks he is.
I guess that would be
a matter of opinion.
He's pretty,
pretty hard to miss.
You know who
I am taking about?
Oh, yeah, can I talk to him?
Well, why didn't you say that?
How long has he been gone?
Ten minutes. Alright.
No there's no message.
Thanks.
Did you think that you
were going to be able to
refer to my mother that
way and not piss me off?
You know, boy...
If I didn't know better,
I think you were looking for
a Chicken Licken.
But I'll have to give it
to you in a minute, boy.
I've got business
to attend to.
Now about that problem.
Well, it seems I have
left the phone off the hook.
Gives the old phone
company the ability
to just take my pants
in payment.
Do I care?
Fuck no!
(banging on door)
-(dog barking)
-Hey, lobster-crack peeler!
-Neighbor:
What do you want?
-What's going on in there?
Neighbor: Be quiet!
I am watching
Wheel of Fortune.
I am feeling a little
lonesome out here.
I don't have any one
to talk to.
-
Be quiet!
-And I thought maybe since
you are such a sweet woman
I might be able to muster up
a little cracker spoon for you.
You see there's something
about a person who lives alone
in a small room and
gets a little distorted,
you know what I mean?
I don't think its
anything that
anyone should be
concerned about.
But there's something
about you, babe,
that makes me want to be
a mighty man.
A man that has more to offer
than just a
little horse's pecker.
-(banging on door)
-But some affection
and some respect for what
you know you know how to do.
(neighbor screaming
outside the door)
Because often times
people don't like to listen
to what they think
you know because
they are sure that
you don't know
what you're talking about.
Well, I don't agree with you.
I think it's very
disgusting that
you would put her in
such a situation as this.
(neighbor screaming
outside the door)
This has got to be a job,
always more to love.
Listen to that
Afro-mambo-beat, baby.
-Get down!
-(clanging of utensils)
Yay-yay-yay-yay
Well, I must tell you that
I think it's very awkward
of you to keep
going on this way
when I am pleading with you,
when I am begging you for
some kind of human contact.
(clanging of utensils)
Because nobody's home tonight,
every one is out.
They are all out
in the streets partying.
I don't think it's really
that they're partying
because it's more like
people are begging,
screaming for someone
to make them say,
"I am coming."
(clanging utensils)
(dog barking)
Neighbor:
After my
Wheel of Fortune
I'll bring the super
and throw you out.
Vashti: Throw me out?
Did you fuck up
my lights in here?
Was that you?
Neighbor: Get away from my door!
Why do you think you can
just come into people's life,
do the fucking thing
and turn the lights off?
-It's not what I wanted.
-
Get away from the door!
All I wanted was
someone to talk to.
(banging on door)
(dog barking)
It seems that my lights
are out now
and I can only
assume it's because
you've blowing your fucking hair
with your
goddamn blow-dryer over there.
But that's okay.
Because I'm not really
that nerve wrecked about it.
It's really not something
I'm freaked out about
at this point because
you know,
it doesn't bother my owl.
Because he does his best
work in the dark.
Doesn't bother my fish,
because he don't give a shit!
I mean, so why should I
be freaked out
about the fact that
I don't have any light.
But that's not really true,
is it?
I don't think
it's really true.
You're crazy!
I don't think it's really true
at all because...
I've had worse
situations than this.
I have overcome shit that
no one would ever believe.
So why should I let a little
darkness freak me out?
When there are these
sturdy wooden matches
that god gave us,
so that we would
never have to freeze
in the fucking jungle again.
I wonder if that's why...
Catholic churches use it.
I know I have more
candles than this.
There we go.
Good old Larry,
saved my ass one more time.
(owl hooting)
♪ (instrumental music)
God...
Why have you forsaken me?
Hear that lonesome
whip-poor-will
Sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train
is winding low
I'm so lonesome
I could cry
(knocking on door)
Who is it?
Phone technician:
Phone company!
(knocking on door)
Who is it?
The phone company.
Will you open up, please!
I'm afraid I can't.
You see
I'm entertaining tonight.
I won't take a moment, ma'am.
Ma'am, come on.
I have to finish up my work,
can you open up?
I think you should
come back another time.
You see it's after 8 o'clock.
Yeah, well I've been coming
by here for days, lady
and there is nobody who
answers the door, alright!
Now, I've got myself
a city action permit here
on behalf of the
telephone company,
and I'm afraid you
gotta open the door.
Sir, your services are
not needed here tonight.
-
Oh, come on, lady...
-(banging on door)
you're wasting
time for both of us.
Huh?
Hey, come on, lady...
will you open the door?
(banging on door)
(banging on door)
Easy, peasy.
You gotta lock your door,
you know.
It's a terrible neighborhood.
Now, I've been coming
by here for days,
I got a work order here
to pick up the telephone.
I'm trying to finish it off
because I'd like to get up
in the morning
to do something nice
for a change,
like may be go fishing.
I don't do this
24 hours a day, okay?
Says here I got to
pick up a telephone from...
I don't know...
I can't see nothing in here.
For somebody vasti-blasting
something blue.
Are you Blue? Actor?
Are you an actor?
Ever see anything you were in?
Okay, look, lady,
just sign this for me please.
What's going on
around here anyway?
What are you having some
kind of a séance or something?
Vashti:
I told you I'm entertaining,
it's a candle light dinner
for two.
What are you having?
Leftover Chinese?
(owl hooting)
What the--
what is that?
Is that... what is that thing?
Is that an owl?
Take the light
out of his eyes.
Is that alive?
You live with that?
Take that light out of...
Owl shit!
Jesus!
Whoa!
Oh, you live right by
the freeway, eh?
That's convenient.
Quiet.
Oh, look it's still
Christmas at your house.
You know what lady?
I'll tell you something.
This is a goddamn fire hazard,
you know?
This thing goes up
like a matchbox,
and you and all your little
actor friends go up with it.
Just go up in a
big boom of smoke!
What do you say
give me a candy cane?
You finished that thing?
Oh, and this is
illegal wiring thing.
I saw that too on the way in,
that's cute.
You could... you could
get reported for that.
You sign that thing or what?
I beg your pardon?
Well, I got an order
to pick up an instrument.
This is the instrument, right?
This is the one,
the only one?
You are not
hoarding telephones
or anything like that...
I mean, I really don't want
to have to come back here.
Is that the receiver?
Could you get that for me?
I really don't care to go
in there, if you don't mind.
Must be crazy.
See, I'm an actor,
that's my profession.
When people want
to call me for jobs
they call me on the phone.
And you...
you take my mother or
my father, my kid if I had one.
But I cannot let
you take my phone.
Are you kidding me, lady?
You mean to tell me that
you like actually,
actually developed some kind
of a sentimental attachment
for this telephone?
It looks more to me like
something you'd have
phone sex with.
It's... it's not
sentimental attachment
It's my lifeline. It's the way
I'm connected to the world.
See, without it I...
I don't exist.
Phone technician:
Are you joking me?
This phone is dead.
I mean this phone is dead.
It doesn't work
it's disconnected.
It's been that way
for over two months.
I'm just here to
pick up the instrument.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean it's still the property
of the phone company, right?
I mean dead or alive
it's still their equipment,
if you know what I mean?
And it's useless to you
the way that it is, right?
You made a mistake.
There's nothing
wrong with my phone.
What? You must be playing
around with me, right?
Come on, look at this.
Service terminated!
November, the third.
No restoration
without deposit!
There is nothing
wrong with my phone.
Jesus Christ, lady,
this phone is dead.
This phone doesn't work.
There's nothing
happening in here.
The phone is dead.
It's out... it's over.
It's finished. It's been that
way for a long, long time.
Try it.
There's nothing
wrong with my phone.
What the--
What are you hitting
me in the head
for with your goddamn phone?
You hit me with
a goddamn telephone!
-Nothing wrong.
-God! Damn! Jesus!
What the hell!
What's the matter with you?
Bloody you hit me
with a goddamn phone!
-(owl hooting)
-What's the matter with you?
What the hell is going on?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Jesus! You stabbed me!
You stabbed me!
What the fuck are you doing?
God! Damn it!
You killed me with a telephone?
(owl hooting)
Hello operator.
Can you connect me
with the police, please?
Thank you.
Hi, to whom am I speaking?
Sergeant Beckett.
My name is Blue, Vashti Blue.
I live at 1751 10th Street.
Yes, I've been a bad girl.
Yes, I'll hold.
♪ (Beach Boys performing
Happy Endings) ♪
-What's happening, Slick?
-♪ (saxophone music)
-How you doing?
-How you doing?
Good.
♪ (saxophone music)
(humming)
Hey, how you doing?
Max, Max, how you doing?
I am glad to see you.
I got to go
to a costume fitting,
I need a couple of bucks.
-I am late.
-Oh yeah, okay.
I thought you were
in Kansas doing Falstaff.
Falstaff will have to wait.
Max: I am sick of being broke.
Sick of it!
This other job pays
a lot more money
and it's right here
in the city.
-Really? What is it?
-It's a commercial.
It's for Faffner's
Fine Franks and Fancy Hams.
When are you gonna do
some Shakespeare again?
You were the finest
Cleopatra I have ever seen.
Thanks, Max. You were
not bad in that yourself.
Ha-ha, yeah...
what's happened to our Antony,
the great Larry?
We are not together anymore.
Max:
Oh, I am sorry to hear that.
Those beastly reviewers!
You know what Dickens
called the critics?
Crickets!
That's what he called them.
Crickets! Little tiny bugs.
Max, you're probably
the only one
in the world that knows that.
You know what Nietzsche
called his sister?
Bye! I'll see ya.
(people arguing
in the background)
-Hello, big Bert.
-(owl hooting)
You know what I brought ya?
I brought you three
little-bitty blind mice.
Blue: What do you think of that?
Yeah!
Alright, I lied. I brought you
a piece of uncooked Big Mac.
Don't look away from me
when I am talking to you.
What's the matter? Come on!
Hey, you mad at me?
Okay.
Alright, I'm not gonna
speak to you either.
Really?
Oh, now you want attention.
Forget it, Bert.
Meet me downstairs.
(telephone ringing)
(telephone ringing)
(telephone ringing)
Hello?
I've been calling you.
I let it ring and ring and
ring. Where were you?
I was in the shower.
♪ (jazz music)
You there old fool?
-Hey, you there?
-♪ (jazz music)
Hey, how now, Mob?
How you doing?
You hungry? I bet you are.
I bet you are very hungry.
Well, wrap your cute little
chops around this.
Here you go.
(owl hooting)
Mr. Marshall.
Mr. Bert Marshall, I presume.
You know
you guys, yes, yes,
you guys look so much alike.
Jesus! Here, come on.
Good boy, good boy.
Look at that.
You guys look just the same.
You got the same round head.
Same round eyes.
Same round body.
Shit! You probably got
the same round mother!
Here you go.
Where you gonna go?
Want to sit?
No? Or walk?
Come... well...
Alright.
You can hang out over there
as long as you don't
drop that thing on the bed.
(whistling a tune)
(clapping hands)
(water flowing from faucet)
Burt, roach kill now!
Good boy.
(whistling a tune)
Midge:
Hi, Blue.
It's Midge at the agency.
Did Mr. Stein call regarding an
audition on Friday? Thank you.
(humming a tune)
-(answering machine beep)
-Hey, foxy mamma.
Ready for a blast
from your hot loving past?
Sure you are.
We've got some heat about to
come down on this place.
I'll call you later.
We get down!
I really can't understand
what you're saying
but I'll try it again.
Oh god, I hate these machines.
(answering machine beep)
-(humming a tune)
-(answering machine beep)
Hello, Miss Blue,
This is Mrs. Cronkite
of City Gas and Electric.
Last time we spoke you said
the payment would be
immediately forthcoming.
Call customer service
regarding your
overdue balance.
(answering machine beep)
(humming a tune)
Hey, hey, away from the toes.
I'm not that kind of girl.
Stop sucking my toes, boy.
(answering machine beep)
Swimming, swimming, swimming
in the swimming pool
goes Moby Dick.
Miss Blue,
this is Miss Butterworth,
calling in regards to
your overdue telephone bill.
Call me at the
business office.
Up yours, crone.
Thank you.
You are making me
hot and bothered, fish.
(answering machine beep)
Hey, pretty mamma,
Big Ray from East LA.
Give me a call,
we've got it--
You got nothing I need.
Baby, I got
everything you need.
You got nothing.
I'm here at a bar in Berkley,
can you dig it?
I don't know
the name of the bar
but this is why I've recorded
the number of the telephone.
4-9-9-7-7-1-3.
Call me and get down.
(answering machine beep)
Moby, Moby!
Damn! Moby!
Swim, swim, stroke, stroke.
Swim, boy, swim.
Way to go, buddy, way to go.
Good boy, good boy.
That's the last time
we go swimming together.
Hi, Linda.
Yeah, it's Blue.
Yeah, good. How you doing?
Good.
Getting any?
Yeah, me neither.
So, is Mr. Stein around?
What do you mean you'll see?
You can't see from
where you are sitting?
No, I am returning his call.
Well, I am sorry but I,
you know...
No, don't put me on hold.
No, don't, don't put me on--
You know I could--
Well--
Yeah, okay. I'll hold.
George?
Linda? Shit!
Where's George?
Well, I am sorry
but that's not my fault.
What? Oh yeah?
Well, look, I don't need this.
You don't need this.
So let's forget it, okay!
Fine. Goodbye.
Christmas in July.
Starring the fabulous,
Herbert Marshall.
To hell with the titles.
I don't know if
you've ever heard it.
But there's an old legend
about three people
who lived in the
city of eternal night.
Their city was in ruins.
But they saw it
not as a fallen citadel
but as a great
and beautiful...
This is where
it should begin, dammit.
Shit!
Hi, Jen, it's me. You know--
What?
Yeah, I'll wait.
Bert, I swear to god,
if you drop
that bug's head on my pillow...
Hi, remember the movie we
went to see the other night?
The Frank Capra film?
Yeah.
K-Y Madness.
No, it's a joke.
It wasn't called K-Y--
Well, you know what K-Y is.
You never heard
of K-Y jelly, Jen?
It's a lubricant.
No, it's a sexual lubricant.
I can't believe it.
Do you think Frank Capra
would really make a film
called K-Y Madness?
No, but it was a joke.
Yes, yes, yes!
Good, Jen.
Jesus, girl.
Anyway, remember the movie
we went to see?
It was
Christmas in July,
with Jimmy Stewart
and Donna Reed.
Yeah.
And a great backup cast
headed up by the late,
great Bert Marshall.
Yes! Yes!
So, I go to the store,
I rent it.
I am sitting here. I cannot
find the sleigh ride sequence.
Yeah...
no, no, no, no.
I mean, look,
the important thing
really is that you know,
somebody has butchered
Christmas in July
.
And you know what
I am gonna do?
I think I'm gonna take
myself down
to that video-cassette store
and I'm gonna kick some ass.
What?
Southern-- this ain't no
Southern accent.
This is what they call
Texas accent,
the great, Southwest.
Oh, you remember who could do
a really good Southern accent,
don't you?
Yeah.
I mean Larry was good at that.
He's very good at that.
Well, no, but that's not true.
It's not true.
No.
I told him all,
I told him all the time.
You know, I would sit down
and I would say, you know,
"Shit, you're doing great".
You know,
I was very supportive.
I think I was
incredibly supportive
under the circumstances,
you know.
And I told him, I said,
"Man, you know,
you are really talented."
Well, how do
you make somebody--
how do you make
somebody believe
that they've got something
that they don't think
they have?
No, no...
I mean, no, I am very aware
of why he left.
Okay it's because...
no, it wasn't a week.
I was gone for
a couple of days.
It was a couple of days, Jen.
It wasn't like I was
gone for months.
No, they gave me
great reviews.
They gave me--
if I had a blown this man
I couldn't have
gotten a better review.
And they didn't mention him.
And that's what
pissed him off.
(owl hooting)
Jen...
Thanks.
Bye.
♪ (piano music)
(owl hooting)
(owl hooting)
Well...
Who? (in a hooting voice).
Who? (in a hooting voice).
Me...
(owl hooting)
Don't you bullshit me, child.
You know you want a condo.
What about a chateau?
Let's talk about a house.
We want it all,
isn't that right?
Yeah.
"-What do we want?
-A house.
-When do we want it?
-Now."
What do you think?
We want it all, right, boys?
Ain't that right?
We want it all.
So, what are you looking at?
I mean, do I have spinach
in my teeth or something?
Huh?
Yeah.
Hello, operator.
Can you give me the number
to Big Vic's Video, please?
Oh no, never mind. I got it
here on the bag, thank you.
Hello, Big Vic's Video?
Yeah, can I...
speak to Big Vic, please?
What do you mean there is
no Big Vic at Big Vic's Video?
I just guess there is no
teenie-weenie Vic there
either, huh?
Well, fine I'll talk to
the manager.
Yeah, hi.
My name is Vashti Blue.
I live at 1751 10th Street.
And I rented what was
supposed to be
a full-length version
of the Frank Capra film,
Christmas in July.
Yeah. Well, I've spent an hour
searching for the
sleigh ride sequence
and it's not there.
I mean, it's just been--
No, no, I'm sorry,
we're talking about
time wasted, sir.
I mean this is
time lost forever,
down the drain.
You know what I'm saying,
gone, gone, gone, kaput,
etcetera, etcetera!
I mean...
well, Mr. Big Vic manager,
let's see what the police
authority have to say
about the nature of your game,
thank you very much.
Jesus!
Hello, operator.
Can you give me the police?
What precinct?
I don't know.
I live at 1751 10th Street.
Get me the nearest
precinct to that address.
Thank you.
Hello?
Who?
Well, Sergeant Beckett,
if indeed that is your name,
can you give me
the bunco squad, please?
Yeah, the bunco squad,
isn't that who deals with
fraudulent practices?
Yes, fraudulent practices,
Mr. racist man!
Well, look,
I am talking to you about
what was supposed to be
a full-length uncut version
of Frank Capra's film
Christmas in July.
The Chamber of Commerce,
are you serious?
I want action. I want...
recourse!
And I want them both.
I want them now!
What do you mean
Capra never made a film
called
Christmas in July ?
What are you,
some kind of Capra nut?
You know, I happen to be
paying your salary,
Mr. Sergeant Samuel A Beckett!
What? No, please in God's name
don't put me on hold!
Look...
Look, you probably think
I am making this up,
you know. But you...
you sound like a really
sharp Dick Tracy type.
Let me ask you something.
Are you able to trace
phone calls?
Yeah, like the one
I am making to you now.
Well, can you trace it?
Well, how the hell
am I supposed to know
where I am then!
Hello?
Alright!
Which one of you guys
raided the fridge?
Huh?
Was it you?
Ah, yes, I think so.
I think so.
I think I know who it is.
Smoked my cigarettes too, huh?
Where do I have cigarettes?
(dog barking)
♪ (jazz music)
(humming a tune)
One cigarette,
I only have one cigarette.
Let's call the market.
Just call the market.
It's not a problem.
Hello, Cora's market?
Yeah, this is Vashti Blue,
at 1751 10th Street.
Apartment 4-2-B.
Yeah, as in
"to be or not to be."
Right!
Well, look it seems as though
we're out of cigarettes here.
It's a bit of a shortage,
it's really a veritable dearth,
you might say.
Well, Marlboro is the brand
of choice,
soft pack please.
Well, no, that's all.
Just one pack,
I am trying to cut down,
you know.
Doctor's orders.
Jesus, yes, I used to
smoke two packs a day,
you ready for that?
Oh yeah,
Gauloises, unfiltered.
Oh, you know the cigarette?
Yes, it's French.
Very French.
Very dark tobacco.
Tabac du Afrique,
the French love to call it.
What?
Oh, no, I know you're busy.
Oh, no, of course
I would expect that.
I mean, Jesus, you've got quite
an area over there, you know.
No, no, I...
I really understood you.
I understand you, really.
I mean,
you don't make deliveries
for one pack of cigarettes.
God, how much clearer
could it be!
Well, send over a carton.
Yes, send over a carton,
Mr. cancer man!
Oh! Just kidding!
What? You don't make
deliveries for less than $20?
Are you serious?
Well, alright then.
We'll make up the difference.
Let's talk about staples.
Yeah, everybody could use
a staple or two, am I right?
Well, don your thinking cap,
Mr. staple man!
What do you think?
Let's talk about getting some
eggs, mints, cheese,
mayonnaise, milk.
Parmesan cheese,
I don't know, what else!
Well, Jesus, I mean I could
use some flour and butter
sugar, salt, pepper, you know.
We are talking about
major staples.
Now look,
what else would you recommend?
I mean,
if it was you talking to me,
what would you want to hear?
Ah, meat market!
Delicatessen.
Ah... alright.
Hello, Deli...
You say New Delhi and
I say Old Delhi, what's that?
Oh, you don't...
you sounded...
don't worry about it.
Yes, you are young gentleman
in Old Delhi
and I am young miss lately
of New Delhi.
It's very funny, yes? Is it?
Oh, yes.
Yup. Yes, young sir, please.
Do you have
the good curry powder?
Yes, yes, yes.
You have the good chutney?
And do you have the chutney
from the region of Madras?
Yes, yes, yes,
oh this is wonderful.
And you have the
good peel of Calcutta?
It's very funny,
peel off of Calcutta!
That's what most people
in Calcutta do, they peel off!
Yes.
Oh, oh, do you have
a good ripe mango fruit?
You know,
it's the fruit
of great passion.
Or perhaps you know this.
Yes, you do.
What a smart young man you are.
And now, sir,
because we speak and think
only of great passion,
tell me, do you perform the
positions of the Kama Sutra?
Yes, the Kama Sutra!
This is our sacred book
of love and lovemaking!
You see, I have a copy
even before me now
profusely illustrated.
I am never without it.
Let us now consider
the ever popular and
sacred position number nine.
In this sacred position,
I will lie supine--
You know what supine means?
Yes, upon my back
with a silken cushion
beneath my fabulous derriere.
My pear-shaped breasts
thrusting upwards.
Yes, it's a provocative kind
of manner, don't you think?
Oh, it's so.
And my exquisite lamp
beginning to moisten
and sweaten and tingle.
Oh-ho,
you are very funny, yes.
And you, your turn.
Oh, you must lower your head
of your person ever so slowly.
But wait, young sir,
please let's speak momentarily
of your sexual endowment.
For you see there are
certain sacred positions,
which require an adequate,
not just a teeny one,
an adequate endowment,
if they are to be performed
to the best advantage.
Now then,
in all frankness, tell me,
would you say that you are
endowed like a pigeon,
or more like a hawk?
Would you liken your endowment
to that of a gazelle,
or that of a donkey?
Or that with a gentle dolphin?
Or would you say you are
more hung like a swamp gator?
Hello?
Hello?
Masai!
All that talk about vitals
has left me a might peckish.
(humming)
Welcome to the House of Yap.
(humming)
This is the house where we all
make Japanese friendship.
(humming)
I am a person who gonna
make you full tonight.
Good to see you, Bert.
Please, it's very interesting
to see all of you here.
What bring you
to House of Yap?
(humming)
Perhaps you heard story
of how House of Yap
came to be.
(humming)
Our founder, Mr. Lopy,
he come one day and tell
story about honorable wife.
Here is Mr. Yap,
here is Mrs. Yap.
Off he go to war one day
saying to honorable wife,
"Don't get nooky without me".
She said, "How can
I keep myself together?"
He said, "I don't care.
I put chastity belt on you."
That's what he did,
ladies and gentlemen.
Chastity belt.
Chastity belt would have very
one specific strange thing.
Chastity belt have
the guillotine.
(humming)
Off Mr. Yap go to fight
for honor and dignity.
(humming)
But honorable wife
have a good time.
Sort of whoop it up.
This is Japanese joke.
Very funny, House of Yap.
Now, he come back one day
only to discover
many soldier with penis gone.
(humming)
Gone!
But, all across his property
many, many, many warrior
stand going, "Oh, shit!"
"Oh, shit!"
Honorable Yap was
very disappointed.
He say to wife,
"You've been with every Tom,
Dick and Lopy."
Get it? Very, very funny joke
here at House of Yap.
(humming)
So, then he look up
on hill and see only one
honorable, honorable man
standing penis erect in place.
(humming)
He rush up to man and he say,
"You only honorable man here.
Tell me how can I take care
of you. What can I do?"
Man tell,
"My fend, I dun no."
Thank you very much,
thank you very much.
This all part of your
Lope Yap fun house.
Very funny, thank you.
Thank you, oh no, please.
-Please, thank you.
-(banging on the wall)
Neighbor:
You'll make anybody
go crazy with that noise.
Say what?
What... where... what?
You know what I say,
Miss noise maker.
I will call the super.
What are you going to
call him, honey?
Shit, I didn't even know
you was there.
Shit, I came and knocked on the
door and nobody say anything,
I just naturally assumed
you was dead.
But I guess,
no such luck, huh.
I am going to get you
evicted from this building
because you're nothing but
a crazy noise maker in there.
I call Immigration.
I call the Green Card man.
Oh really?
Well, let me tell you
something.
Honey, it just so happens that
I'm entertaining here tonight.
That's right,
I am entertaining people
from the big world of
show business, that's right.
And I don't need any more
interference from you,
what do you think of that?
-(banging on door)
-And I have people,
I have people...
What's that happening in there,
Leroy, leave that woman alone.
Say, baby,
you want some big black snake,
I got some for you
to put right in your mouth.
Leroy, leave that woman alone.
Oh, I just love it when
Leroy does crazy--
Steven, please,
Leroy doesn't understand
that he's got a foolish,
big lip crack headed woman
on the other side of the door.
And if you
keep encouraging him,
he's just going to flip out.
Well, I don't understand
what's the matter with her.
Please, Contessa,
don't start--
Well, I think
it's very disgusting of you
to come in and invade
our party this way.
-
No parties allowed in here.
-Oh, this is not something we
must discuss now, is it?
Oh, my god, Helga, please.
-Don't start with her.
-Don't start with me.
Hey baby, let me have some
pussy in there.
Leave her for Christ sake!
Leave me alone.
Stop that bad talking
in there.
I am calling the super.
I am calling
the Green Card man.
Hey bitch,
what you doing in there?
What you doing in there, baby?
Now please don't start
with everybody.
We have some very important
people coming tonight.
This is not the kind of party
which I want to be a party to.
Don't start, Helga.
What's the matter
with the woman in there?
She seems to have a
bit of a problem with us.
I don't think
she has a problem.
What do you think that is?
Oh, darling, I think it's
really quite important for her
to be able to enunciate
the things which are
truly bothering her.
Hey, baby,
come on let me have some.
Leave her for God sake, Leroy.
Leave her, Leroy!
Come on, baby,
I'm going to give you some.
You are disgusting!
-What's the matter with you?
-(dog barking)
Why are you such a bitch
anyway?
I'm just entertaining friends.
And as a matter of fact,
if you are very nice to us
perhaps we'll let you here.
But we have special guests
this evening.
People who come all the way
from London
to speak the spoken word.
Oh, they are here now!
Oh, Derrick,
it's so good to see you.
It's Derrick and Penelope,
we are here to entertain--
Oh, my god! It's so wonderful
to see you again.
You know everybody, don't you?
Of course, my dear.
You know that
that is what they want.
Yes, of course, how do you do?
Well, first Steven,
I want you to meet
Leroy Brown.
Say man,
you the hell it is true?
That's right, sir.
Oh come on and give me
something here.
-That's some funny shit--
-Leroy, stop!
Alright, man!
Shit, I just trying to act--
Leroy, stop!
-Contessa, please continue.
-Thank you very much.
Well, I want to introduce
you to the Dante's.
I want to introduce you
to Leroy and to Steven,
who is a little bit fay,
but that's okay,
nobody matters.
How do you do?
Oh, I am so glad to--
God, it's so really cool to--
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Don't come on to my company.
Alright. God!
What's the matter with you?
Well, I am really upset
because this stupid woman
on the other side of the door
doesn't seem to have
her shit together today.
-(dog barking)
-Isn't that true?
Stop it! You are crazy.
(dog barking)
I am not crazy.
I am simply entertaining
my friends.
And as these people have come
all the way from London,
I think that I would like to
hear them do a little bit of
Shakespeare.
-What do you think?
-Well, I don't think that
Shakespeare is really the
thing we need to hear tonight.
I don't understand
why everyone wants to
listen to
Shakespeare, Shakespeare,
Shakespeare!
Helga, please.
I can't hold my tongue
anymore, ja!
I want to hear
Nietzsche, Rilke,
anything which has to do
with the German people. Heil!
What do you mean?
Leroy, please don't start
with me.
Stop please.
I fear...
I fear something
spectacular coming on.
(plates crashing and breaking)
You foreigners are ruining
this country.
The Green Card men
will get rid of you.
Shall we begin?
I think so.
May I present to you
Penelope Parker,
first grand dame
-of the theatre of--
-Thank you.
You know
when I think of all
the places I've played,
I cannot say that
I have e'er been mo'ed
as I am mo'ed by
your company, madam.
Thank you so fucking much.
Shit! Coming from you
that's a real...
you know.
You're going to speak?
Yes, but I must prepare...
Shh!
-What's the bitch gonna do?
-Shut up! Leroy!
Thus play I in one pre--
Many persons many people
and none contented
Sometimes am I king
and then treason makes me
wish myself a beggar
and so I am.
Then crushing poverty
persuades me
that I was better when a king
Then am I king'd again,
and by and by
think that I am unking'd
and straight am nothing.
But where nor I nor any man
but man is
with nothing shall be pleased,
till he be eased
with being nothing.
Music do I hear?
Ha, ha!
Keep time.
How sour sweet music is
when time is broke
and no proportion kept!
So is it in the
music of men's lives.
I wasted time
and now doth time waste me.
Thank you, thank you, no, no,
please thank you,
thank you all.
Thank you all, thank you.
Thank you!
Thank you!
(cars crashing into
each other out on the street)
(cars crashing into
each other out on the street)
And now doth time waste me.
(sirens blaring on the street)
(people screaming and arguing)
(sirens blaring on the street)
(people screaming and arguing)
Hello, Mrs. Butterworth?
My name is Blue, Vashti Blue.
I live at 1751 10th Street.
And I am calling you
about my overdue bill.
No, I got a notice from you
saying my bill was overdue.
-2-9-9-4-9-9-3.
-(sirens)
Yeah, how much is it?
Sixty five dollars, ah, okay.
What kind of credit questions?
I thought
I answered all of those
when I first got the phone.
Yeah.
Yes, I am still an actor.
I beg your pardon!
Now, tell me Mrs. Butterworth
why would you consider me
to be a "high risk"?
Yes, but why do you need
a security deposit against me?
I am not a high risk client.
Well, I am sorry
I don't believe--
Look, why didn't you
mention this
when I came in to get
a phone originally?
Well, are you going to blame
every actor in the world
for this?
What?
Fine, just, what--
just how much is it?
What?!
Lady,
I don't make that kinda--
Fine.
Yes, thank you very much. Yes.
God!
Hi, Jen, it's me.
Well, I know I sound excited.
I just got off the phone
with the phone company.
You know what they told me?
They want $65 and cents 20
which I owe them
on an overdue bill.
Plus they want a $500 deposit.
Yes, a $500 deposit,
$565 and 20 cents.
Yes!
Well, I know that but I
don't have the money.
Well, I'll just have to find
it somewhere, won't I?
Oh yeah, right!
Me sell the animals, right!
Yeah. Thanks, Jen,
that's real helpful.
Yes, yes, I know that
Larry would know what to do.
Would you like me to tell you
what he would tell me?
He would say,
"Sell your wedding rings."
And specifically he would tell
me to sell my engagement ring,
which then I would have
to remind him
isn't worth shit because
it's Cubic Zirconia.
Yes, no, it's phony.
Jen, it's cheap.
He gave it to me out of love.
Well, is it my fault?
No!
Listen,
Judy Garland 155 years ago
ran up a bill in Dallas, Texas
and left and didn't pay.
Yes!
Yes, now I have to pay
for some dumb thing
that she pulled 155 years ago.
I don't know she probably
paid him later on, who knows!
Well, I don't know.
I don't know,
I'll get it from somewhere.
Can I borrow some
money from you?
I forgot.
I forgot!
What do you want from me?
No, she doesn't have
any money.
Jennifer, my mother
does not have any money.
No, I don't have any either.
I don't know... shit!
I know if it's not one thing
it's another.
What are you gonna do, right?
What are you gonna do?
In the words of
Scarlett O'Hara,
"Fuck 'em!
I'll think about it tomorrow."
No, she didn't really say that.
No, Jen... Jen, forgive me.
I am looking at the window
there's incredible
gridlock outside.
I want to check it out.
Okay.
No, I'll talk to you later.
(sirens getting louder)
Yes...
Yeah.
Alright.
Bye.
(woman screaming
and wailing)
(woman screaming
and wailing)
(sirens)
(woman screaming
and wailing)
Top of the evening to you,
Dial-a-Priest,
who am I speaking to?
Father O'Dwyer, oh, I see.
And in fact,
you are a genuine priest.
Well, father,
before I get into
what it is
I've called you about,
could you offer up a prayer
now for all the people
who are maimed or taken apart
on the freeways of our fine,
fine city?
Yes, I'd like--
I would love that, sir.
Thank you.
And now, father, are you
ready to take my confession?
Oh, yes,
I quite understand that.
I'll give you my
credit card number
when I am satisfied
you are a true
and real priest.
What diocese do you represent?
Diocese, father, diocese!
Yes, I understand that,
which one do you represent?
Ah...
well, do you have any one
there from the
Holy Temple of the
Blessed Lamb and Virgin?
Oh, fine, that will be fine.
Now, let me ask you
something, father,
then I'll give you my
Visa card number
straight away.
What's the very worse thing
ever confessed to you?
And you could still give
him absolution
and your blessing, father?
Because I don't want to
spring my plastic,
you see, until I am dead sure
that I can receive from you
absolution and a blessing.
Oh, that's fine,
that'll be fine.
Now, father, just one more
thing before we begin.
What are you wearing under
that dark cassock of yours?
Yes, up under the cassock, fa--
Hello?
Hello?
Well, I wasn't all that sure
you were a true priest
from the giddy-up, sir!
Alive, alive, oh-o
Singing cockles and mussels
Alive, alive, oh-o
-Can you all see over there?
-Yeah.
Can you hear me?
A little.
Those are shitty seats,
you know.
(laughter)
Don't worry about it,
I'm going to come over there
later on.
-How you doing?
-Good.
Good. I feel like shit.
-How are you?
-Fine.
You know, I am ill.
I got a cold.
You know fucking is
the worst thing for a cold.
You know, people stick
their tongues in your mouth,
and that's for the cold fun.
Who the hell wants to be laid
by-- by the cold?
that's what I want to know.
(laughter)
A ducky face?
(laughter)
How's that for a ducky face?
(laughter)
(knocking on the door)
Who is it?
Rodney:
It's Rodney, your
ex-agent, who still loves you.
♪ (jazz music)
-Darling!
-Hello, Rodney.
What... brings you to
this neck of the woods?
Well, we are not
fully moved into
our new suite of offices yet
and I stopped by to
pick up some mail.
I want you to meet
a new client of mine.
Say hello to
the fabulous Honey Boxe.
That's Boxe with an "e".
Don't you just love it?
It drives my publicity
department up a wall.
-This is Blue.
-I am very glad to know you.
Rodney has told me
so much about you.
I am sure he has.
Look, it's nice to meet you
but I am in the--
Oh, no, no, thank you,
we can't stay.
We have an appointment
with Al Goldstein,
in approximately 45 minutes.
It looks like Honey is
going to be landing
a very choice role.
We were in the building
and I wanted to say hello
-and use your phone.
-Ah, look...
I am glad to see you,
hello to you,
hello to Honey Boxe
with an "e"
but I am expecting
a very important call.
Oh, anything an agent
should handle?
Rodney, you are not my agent
anymore. Remember?
So let's forget that.
Look, I am in the middle of
a lot of stuff.
It's good to see you,
I really got to get back--
You-- just go on
and do your work.
We'll wait for your phone call
to come through
and then I can use the phone.
Meanwhile, we are here
you might as well
take advantage of it.
-We'll be a captive audience.
-I know--
Now you put that
perfect little piece of
pink prime right here, baby.
And keep it warm
for your Uncle Rodney.
Wow! You haven't lost
any of your
je ne sais quoi
, have you?
So they tell me.
But then you really never
got to know me in that way,
did you, Blue? I mean
in a purely biblical sense.
Yes, well, Rodney,
I do recall telling you,
however if you got me some
work on the legitimate stage,
screen or tube, that I would
blow you in Macy's window.
You see, Miss Honey,
he couldn't quite get it up.
She's a pisser,
did I tell you?
Did I tell you!
You know, kiddo, you know
what your problem is, kiddo.
Come here,
you don't even know how
to be nice to the producer.
And do you know what
your problem is, Rodney?
You are a dickhead!
(laughter)
Okay!
Dickhead.
Okay, okay.
Okay...
Just roast down my back.
Like a duck, huh?
Let's take a look
at this routine of yours.
Look, I got to get back
to work, okay.
I just--
Oh, I would love to
see your tape.
Turn it up.
Honey, you really want to
see this?
-Yeah.
-You really want to see it?
-Yeah!
-Vashti: Really?
Yes!
Yeah, okay.
Let's try...
Check the patient.
(laughter)
Who wants the ducky face?
-(laughter)
-That's funny!
(laughter)
Everybody told me I should
myself all the time,
you know.
(laughter)
(laughter)
That's so funny!
That's the shitiest tape
I have ever seen.
It's putrid.
You look like a splotch.
Like a Xerox splotch.
(laughter)
What the hell are you
laughing at?
She's funny, can't you see
the audience loves her?
You think that is funny?
That is tasteless!
Blue,
I think you are terrific.
Rodney,
when am I gonna be on a tape?
-I want to make a tape.
-Are you kidding me?
I would never allow
a client of mine
to appear in a piece
of dreck like that.
You might as well be
in a porno skin flick.
Rodney babe, it's all
in the eye of the beholder.
That's right!
-I think she is funny.
-Oh yeah?
Wait outside, cunt!
What?
Rodney: I just want to talk
with lady privately, okay!
Rodney: Outside.
-Well, thanks, Blue.
-Miss Boxe, my pleasure.
I think you are terrific.
You actually consider
that crap to be humorous?
Rodney, does-- Hey, hey,
that's my last Marlboro.
You mind not taking
my last cigarette, please.
I'll buy you a carton.
Thank you.
That's so Caucasian of you.
Look it doesn't say
humorous person on my mailbox.
It says V Blue. Period.
How do you know it's not
going to get better,
funnier, brighter with time?
-Please, I don't think so.
-Vashti: Oh, give me a break!
Now, you remember
I broke my bottom
trying to get you
commercial work. Remember?
You broke nothing
trying to get me--
And you didn't get any work
because of your attitude.
Attitude, girl.
The correct attitude.
You know, you are right.
The more I think about it
the righter you are.
And you know,
I've been working on
something kinda special.
And I think...
I think you'll like it,
Rodney.
I think you should sit down,
Rodney, 'cause...
this is something I feel like
is just for you.
You know I based it on
Salome's Dance
of the Seven Veils.
Honey:
Rodney!
Would you wait
in the fucking car!
But I call it the "Dance of the
Seven Flatulencies".
(humming)
The first flatulence
is dedicated
to the dickhead producers.
(making fart sounds)
(humming)
And the second
to asshole agents.
(making fart sounds)
You get my drift, Rodney?
(making fart sounds)
What's the matter,
you seem a little nervous.
I mean these flatulencies
were made just for you.
-(making fart sounds)
-Christ Almighty!
You know you should
see a psychiatrist.
A shrink,
you should see a shrink!
Rodney:
Go to a hospital
for the insane!
-Yeah!
-(owl hooting)
So now prosperity
begins to mellow
and drop into the
rotten mouth of death.
Here in these confines slyly
have I lurked to watch the
waning of mine enemies.
Owl, thou did prophesize
the time would come
that I should wishfully
to help thee curse that
bottled spider,
that foul hunched-back toad.
Earth gapes
hell burns,
fiends roar, saints pray,
to have him suddenly
conveyed from hence.
Cancel his bond of life,
dear god I pray,
that I may live and say,
"Rodney...
is dead."
I am going to get
you evicted from this building.
Thank you, no, no, please.
Thank you so much.
-(banging on door)
-Thank you.
No, no, we must have music
to soothe our savage beast,
shan't we? Yes.
(owl hooting)
♪ (music)
(banging on door)
Hey, the music is loud!
(banging on door)
Do you hear me?
♪ One Love One Heart
♪ Let's get together
and feel all right ♪
♪ Hear the children cryin'
♪ One Love!
♪ Hear the children cryin'
♪ One Heart!
♪ Sayin' give thanks and
praise to the Lord ♪
(neighbor screaming
outside the door)
♪ and I will feel all right
♪ Sayin' let's get together
and feel all right ♪
(neighbor screaming
outside the door)
♪ Wo-wo-wo
♪ Let them all pass
all their dirty remarks ♪
♪ One Love!
♪ There is one question
I'd really love to ask ♪
♪ One Heart!
♪ Is there a place
for the hopeless sinner ♪
(neighbor screaming
outside the door)
♪ Who has hurt all mankind
just to save his
own beliefs? ♪
♪ One Love!
♪ What about the one heart?
One Heart! ♪
♪ What about-- Let's get
together and feel all right ♪
♪ Let's get together to fight
this Holy Armagedd-i-yon ♪
♪ One Love!
♪ So when the man comes
there will be no, no doom ♪
I'm sorry,
did you say something?
You drive me crazy!
-What's the matter?
-I'm trying to get some sleep.
Oh, wait, wait...
♪ The Father of Creation
♪ One Love!
♪ What about the one Heart?
♪ One Heart!
♪ What about the-- Let's get
together and feel all right ♪
-♪ I'm pleadin' to mankind
-(banging on door)
Could you please stop
making all that noise?
I have to check
my answering machine.
(neighbor complaining
outside the door)
... can't understand
what you're saying
but I'll try it again.
Oh, god,
I hate these machines.
Hush up in there, I am trying
to check my stuff, lady.
I really can't understand
what you're saying
but I'll try it again.
Oh, god,
I hate these machines.
Oh, god,
I hate these machines.
Hi, Jen, it's me.
I want you to
listen to something.
No, really, I want you to just
listen to something, okay.
Hold on.
(answering machine beep)
I really can't understand
what you're saying
but I'll try it again.
Oh, god,
I hate these machines.
Who does that sound like?
Can you--
Well, no, you hear
the way he said machine?
Just the idea of him
saying machine.
You know who it is.
He hated machines.
Are you trying to tell me that
you don't think it's possible
that it was him calling
and disguising his voice?
Here, wait a minute.
Oh, I get it.
Oh, I see, you don't have time
to like
check this out with me.
No, excuse me, Miss
I-am-too-busy-for-my-friends.
No, it's not problem for me.
It's not a big deal for me,
Jennifer.
I mean,
Jesus Christ, you know, I...
I don't think
that it's so hard
for you to do this for me.
Now, just listen
one more time, okay?
...what are you saying
but I'll try it again.
Oh, god,
I hate these machines.
Hi.
Didn't it sound like him?
Well, yes, of course,
I slowed it down.
That's how you make
an ID on a phone,
you slow it down.
That's what they did
in the Kennedy case.
It's a voice print.
Okay, fine. No problem.
Yeah, just...
Jennifer, I just want you
to listen to this, okay.
Because I think that you can
really help me identify
the person on the phone.
I think it's Larry, okay!
What do you mean
what's the matter with you!
There's nothing wrong with me.
No, I am not tense.
I am not tensed at all.
I just wanted your help.
That's all.
I just want you to help me
ID this thing.
That's all.
Oh, well, yes, excuse me. I
see you have to get your rest.
Well, Jennifer, let me
tell you something, you know.
I haven't slept for a couple
of days now, you know that.
No, I haven't.
I haven't, no!
I've been sitting around
trying to figure out
what's going on
on this machine, see?
But I don't have
any friends anymore.
Anyone to check it with,
you see.
So, no, yes, of course.
I've tried Percodan,
I've tried Demerol.
I've tried Nembutal.
Yes, I've taken them all.
As a matter of fact
I took so many of them
the other night I got up
and I got over to the middle
of the floor and collapsed.
Yes, because I couldn't
get out of the chair.
You know what I am saying.
I got up and
I couldn't like get it
together to walk, Jennifer.
I mean, I have been
taking so many pills
to just try to keep myself
in some kind of order
that I am a little...
I'm a little...
I'm a little over-sensitzed.
You understand
what I am saying?
Well, it just so happens
that all I can seem to do is
think about Larry, you know.
So that's why
I am calling you.
That's why I am calling you
because you are my friend,
you know.
And I... I...
I can't quite take it
any more, you know!
I've... tried everything.
God, I have sat there,
I have tried to immerse myself
in some kind of mind fluid
that will
black his face up for me.
But unfortunately
I can't seem to do it.
Do you know what I am saying,
Jennifer?
I just can't seem to quite
get it together,
to get this guy out
of my mind. You understand?
It was quite a run,
don't you think?
Well, I...
I just...
God, I'm real
embarrassed now. God!
Yeah, I'll breathe.
Yeah, it's okay,
I'm breathing, Jennifer.
It's okay.
You know,
guy is showing me
all sorts of memory there.
Who knows this...
This could be the beginning
of some award winning
performance, Jennifer.
And just think...
You were there,
you were the midwife.
Ain't it great?
Christ!
The time you start
freaking, you know.
I should just sit down
and remember that
piece that Sam used to do,
remember?
Yeah, I did it for you
when we first met.
Yeah.
Yeah, from
Blues for Mr. Charlie.
It was a classic.
He lay beside me
on that bed like a rock.
As heavy as if it were
like he had fallen,
fallen so far and
landed so heavy.
He seemed to be
sinking out of sight,
with one knee
pointing to heaven.
My god,
he covered me like that...
He wasn't at all
like I thought he was.
He fell on...
He fell on me like
life and death.
My god, his chest, his belly,
the rise and the fall
and the moans.
How he clung, how he
struggled, life and death.
Why did it seem
to me like tears.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a gorgeous piece.
Oh shit, Diana Sands, man!
She killed with it.
She was something.
She probably had
Larry in her life too.
Yeah.
Boy...
I didn't realize
it was so late.
Um,
right, you know...
Do what you...
go do... you know.
I'll just,
I'll call you later.
No, I'm just gonna
stay and I'll...
I'm expecting
a couple of calls.
Yeah.
Thanks, though.
Yeah, I'll talk to you later.
Yeah, have fun.
Bye.
(bird twitter)
(saxophone playing
in the background)
(sirens)
♪ (Jazz standard
Sweet Georgia Brown) ♪
(answering machine beep)
It's me again. Big Ray, from
East LA, 4-9-9-7-7-1-3.
And baby, I've got
everything you need.
The Saint's bar and grill?
Great, can I speak to
Big Ray, please?
Yeah, Big Ray,
you know Big Ray.
Actually he is not
as big as he thinks he is.
I guess that would be
a matter of opinion.
He's pretty,
pretty hard to miss.
You know who
I am taking about?
Oh, yeah, can I talk to him?
Well, why didn't you say that?
How long has he been gone?
Ten minutes. Alright.
No there's no message.
Thanks.
Did you think that you
were going to be able to
refer to my mother that
way and not piss me off?
You know, boy...
If I didn't know better,
I think you were looking for
a Chicken Licken.
But I'll have to give it
to you in a minute, boy.
I've got business
to attend to.
Now about that problem.
Well, it seems I have
left the phone off the hook.
Gives the old phone
company the ability
to just take my pants
in payment.
Do I care?
Fuck no!
(banging on door)
-(dog barking)
-Hey, lobster-crack peeler!
-Neighbor:
What do you want?
-What's going on in there?
Neighbor: Be quiet!
I am watching
Wheel of Fortune.
I am feeling a little
lonesome out here.
I don't have any one
to talk to.
-
Be quiet!
-And I thought maybe since
you are such a sweet woman
I might be able to muster up
a little cracker spoon for you.
You see there's something
about a person who lives alone
in a small room and
gets a little distorted,
you know what I mean?
I don't think its
anything that
anyone should be
concerned about.
But there's something
about you, babe,
that makes me want to be
a mighty man.
A man that has more to offer
than just a
little horse's pecker.
-(banging on door)
-But some affection
and some respect for what
you know you know how to do.
(neighbor screaming
outside the door)
Because often times
people don't like to listen
to what they think
you know because
they are sure that
you don't know
what you're talking about.
Well, I don't agree with you.
I think it's very
disgusting that
you would put her in
such a situation as this.
(neighbor screaming
outside the door)
This has got to be a job,
always more to love.
Listen to that
Afro-mambo-beat, baby.
-Get down!
-(clanging of utensils)
Yay-yay-yay-yay
Well, I must tell you that
I think it's very awkward
of you to keep
going on this way
when I am pleading with you,
when I am begging you for
some kind of human contact.
(clanging of utensils)
Because nobody's home tonight,
every one is out.
They are all out
in the streets partying.
I don't think it's really
that they're partying
because it's more like
people are begging,
screaming for someone
to make them say,
"I am coming."
(clanging utensils)
(dog barking)
Neighbor:
After my
Wheel of Fortune
I'll bring the super
and throw you out.
Vashti: Throw me out?
Did you fuck up
my lights in here?
Was that you?
Neighbor: Get away from my door!
Why do you think you can
just come into people's life,
do the fucking thing
and turn the lights off?
-It's not what I wanted.
-
Get away from the door!
All I wanted was
someone to talk to.
(banging on door)
(dog barking)
It seems that my lights
are out now
and I can only
assume it's because
you've blowing your fucking hair
with your
goddamn blow-dryer over there.
But that's okay.
Because I'm not really
that nerve wrecked about it.
It's really not something
I'm freaked out about
at this point because
you know,
it doesn't bother my owl.
Because he does his best
work in the dark.
Doesn't bother my fish,
because he don't give a shit!
I mean, so why should I
be freaked out
about the fact that
I don't have any light.
But that's not really true,
is it?
I don't think
it's really true.
You're crazy!
I don't think it's really true
at all because...
I've had worse
situations than this.
I have overcome shit that
no one would ever believe.
So why should I let a little
darkness freak me out?
When there are these
sturdy wooden matches
that god gave us,
so that we would
never have to freeze
in the fucking jungle again.
I wonder if that's why...
Catholic churches use it.
I know I have more
candles than this.
There we go.
Good old Larry,
saved my ass one more time.
(owl hooting)
♪ (instrumental music)
God...
Why have you forsaken me?
Hear that lonesome
whip-poor-will
Sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train
is winding low
I'm so lonesome
I could cry
(knocking on door)
Who is it?
Phone technician:
Phone company!
(knocking on door)
Who is it?
The phone company.
Will you open up, please!
I'm afraid I can't.
You see
I'm entertaining tonight.
I won't take a moment, ma'am.
Ma'am, come on.
I have to finish up my work,
can you open up?
I think you should
come back another time.
You see it's after 8 o'clock.
Yeah, well I've been coming
by here for days, lady
and there is nobody who
answers the door, alright!
Now, I've got myself
a city action permit here
on behalf of the
telephone company,
and I'm afraid you
gotta open the door.
Sir, your services are
not needed here tonight.
-
Oh, come on, lady...
-(banging on door)
you're wasting
time for both of us.
Huh?
Hey, come on, lady...
will you open the door?
(banging on door)
(banging on door)
Easy, peasy.
You gotta lock your door,
you know.
It's a terrible neighborhood.
Now, I've been coming
by here for days,
I got a work order here
to pick up the telephone.
I'm trying to finish it off
because I'd like to get up
in the morning
to do something nice
for a change,
like may be go fishing.
I don't do this
24 hours a day, okay?
Says here I got to
pick up a telephone from...
I don't know...
I can't see nothing in here.
For somebody vasti-blasting
something blue.
Are you Blue? Actor?
Are you an actor?
Ever see anything you were in?
Okay, look, lady,
just sign this for me please.
What's going on
around here anyway?
What are you having some
kind of a séance or something?
Vashti:
I told you I'm entertaining,
it's a candle light dinner
for two.
What are you having?
Leftover Chinese?
(owl hooting)
What the--
what is that?
Is that... what is that thing?
Is that an owl?
Take the light
out of his eyes.
Is that alive?
You live with that?
Take that light out of...
Owl shit!
Jesus!
Whoa!
Oh, you live right by
the freeway, eh?
That's convenient.
Quiet.
Oh, look it's still
Christmas at your house.
You know what lady?
I'll tell you something.
This is a goddamn fire hazard,
you know?
This thing goes up
like a matchbox,
and you and all your little
actor friends go up with it.
Just go up in a
big boom of smoke!
What do you say
give me a candy cane?
You finished that thing?
Oh, and this is
illegal wiring thing.
I saw that too on the way in,
that's cute.
You could... you could
get reported for that.
You sign that thing or what?
I beg your pardon?
Well, I got an order
to pick up an instrument.
This is the instrument, right?
This is the one,
the only one?
You are not
hoarding telephones
or anything like that...
I mean, I really don't want
to have to come back here.
Is that the receiver?
Could you get that for me?
I really don't care to go
in there, if you don't mind.
Must be crazy.
See, I'm an actor,
that's my profession.
When people want
to call me for jobs
they call me on the phone.
And you...
you take my mother or
my father, my kid if I had one.
But I cannot let
you take my phone.
Are you kidding me, lady?
You mean to tell me that
you like actually,
actually developed some kind
of a sentimental attachment
for this telephone?
It looks more to me like
something you'd have
phone sex with.
It's... it's not
sentimental attachment
It's my lifeline. It's the way
I'm connected to the world.
See, without it I...
I don't exist.
Phone technician:
Are you joking me?
This phone is dead.
I mean this phone is dead.
It doesn't work
it's disconnected.
It's been that way
for over two months.
I'm just here to
pick up the instrument.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean it's still the property
of the phone company, right?
I mean dead or alive
it's still their equipment,
if you know what I mean?
And it's useless to you
the way that it is, right?
You made a mistake.
There's nothing
wrong with my phone.
What? You must be playing
around with me, right?
Come on, look at this.
Service terminated!
November, the third.
No restoration
without deposit!
There is nothing
wrong with my phone.
Jesus Christ, lady,
this phone is dead.
This phone doesn't work.
There's nothing
happening in here.
The phone is dead.
It's out... it's over.
It's finished. It's been that
way for a long, long time.
Try it.
There's nothing
wrong with my phone.
What the--
What are you hitting
me in the head
for with your goddamn phone?
You hit me with
a goddamn telephone!
-Nothing wrong.
-God! Damn! Jesus!
What the hell!
What's the matter with you?
Bloody you hit me
with a goddamn phone!
-(owl hooting)
-What's the matter with you?
What the hell is going on?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Jesus! You stabbed me!
You stabbed me!
What the fuck are you doing?
God! Damn it!
You killed me with a telephone?
(owl hooting)
Hello operator.
Can you connect me
with the police, please?
Thank you.
Hi, to whom am I speaking?
Sergeant Beckett.
My name is Blue, Vashti Blue.
I live at 1751 10th Street.
Yes, I've been a bad girl.
Yes, I'll hold.
♪ (Beach Boys performing
Happy Endings) ♪