The Tale of Soldier Fedot, The Daring Fellow (2008) - full transcript

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Film Company "CTB"

Animation Studio "Melnitsa"

Believe it or not,

once there lived soldier Fedot,
and this is the tale of the daring fellow.

He was neither handsome
nor a fright,

neither wealthy nor hard up,
neither ragged nor dressed up

Fedot's mission
was hunting and fishing.

The Tsar had fish and game,
Fedot had thanks and that was his gain.

One day Fedot was ordered

to come to the court.



Out of dread
Fedot turned wet,

his ears started ringing,
his guts gave way,

and here's the beginning of the tale,
so to say.

THE TALE OF SOLDIER FEDOT,
THE DARING FELLOW.
Based on the tale by Leonid Filatov

TSAR
Mon - Fri
9 a.m. - 5 p.m.

The British envoy has come for
Our refreshment after night before,

While we only have to eat
Stale bread, a bone... and that's it!

You must go and bring some food,
Something special, something good,

Say, a partridge, or a grouse
Or whatever, from the wood.

If you can't do that, my dear,
I shall have to execute you, hear?

It's a matter of importance,
A state affair, is it clear?

What affliction! What a shame!
There isn't any trace of game.

Pr'haps that's the bird I have to shoot,
It's at least some kind of food!

They say pigeon meat is bad,
I should not agree with that,



When you have it with a sauce
It's like a grouse, or not worse.

Please, don?t hurt me, dear Fedot,
It?s quite worthless, is it not?

Just one bird is not enough
For a dish or pillow stuff.

Your foreigner might like to eat
Some kind of very special meat,

Whereas my meat?s just enough
To make a wild cat laugh.

Is the goblin somewhere here?
Are these tricks of the evening air?

Is there anything the matter
With my eyes or with my ear?

Don't do wrong to me, Fedot,
Take me home, and you know what:

When you bring me to your chamber
I shall be your destined lot!

I shall sew and wash and cook,
Never give you a rebuke,

I shall keep the house clean,
And I'll play the violin!

What a story, what a gag!
All right, get into my bag,

When we get home I'll find out
What this trick is all about!

Hello, Fedya, from now on
You and I will get along,

I'm Marusya, your good wife,
Or should I say, your better half.

Why are you silent? Have you got
A bone or something in your throat?

Maybe, you don't like my head-dress,
Or, maybe, you dislike my coat?

There is nothing I won't do
To admire you and be with you,

But I don't think that I can
Marry you and be your man.

See, this morning I was called
To the Tsar, and I was told

To get, you know? a sort of a grouse
?nd bring it to the Royal house.

Though it's not a hunting season
With the Tsar it's hard to reason,

Then I thought, all right, a grouse
Is not a bison, so it's easy.

I have tramped the woods all day
But was out of luck today:

There was not a single game bird,
Nothing good came in my way.

So there isn't any chance
That I go out for a dance,

When I see the Tsar tomorrow
He'll chop of?my head at once.

Without my head.., well, I don't think
That I'm good for anything,

For it's my mind that makes the meaning
And the essence of my being!

Now, don't worry, don't complain!
You will have the meals and game.

Stand before me, Frol and Tit,
Get immediately what we need!

Do you hear what I say?
Go and do it without delay.

You don't have to doubt us,
We have done it many times!

I am interested in
Your technology of seedin':

Do your farmers skin the swedes
When they plant them in the fields?

Yes.

I'm interested in
Your daily eating routine:

Do your people have their cocoa
With or without saccharine?

Yes.

Then there's another thing
That I'm interested in:

Do your women wear knickers,
Sort of underwear, I mean?

Yes.

Are you crazy? Shame on you!
Think whom you are talking to!

Women is the subject you
Turn all conversations to!

Will you shut up, be so kind.
If you don't, I'll jail you, mind!

It's not an idle talk, you see?
It's my foreign policy!

Look, she's quite a big lass
But she is as thin as a lath!

So I'm thinking, if we can
Marry her to this here man.

Not even I - not for your life! -
Would really want to be his wife,

All he has in mind is try
And swallow something on the sly!

"Yes" is all he is repeating,
While he never ceases eating,

Close your eyes, and he'll devour
Half of Russia, at one sitting!

Tell me, are there any ways
of marrying of our princess?

Don't you know, there aren't many
Eligible men among her friends ?

If there were a legion around,
You could argue, there?s no doubt,

But there isn't, so we have to
Pick what there's to be found.

You're Russian Tsar, it'll be fair
If you mind your own affair,

How I live and whom I love
Are the matters of my care.

Love is blind... If that is true,
You will love the envoy, too.

And along with that you'll set
My worsened foreign trade straight!

You may frown and complain,
Yet I'll say it to you again,

As an individual I have
Rights for free marriage and free love.

Maybe, I would give consent
And get married in the end,

If it were Fedot the soldier
Who would offer me his hand.

Silly girl, you hold your tongue!
Don't you know where you belong?

Go and lock up in your room,
Learn your sol-fa, get along!

General, you're feeling blue.
Is it quinsy or the flu?

Or you've drunk too much of beer,
Or you've lost at cards, have you?

Or your army is too small,
Or you do not want to serve at all,

Or you've found some defects
In a cannon tube or cannon ball?

Tell me openly, don't lie,
What is it that makes you sigh?

I should like to know in detail
When and where and what and why!

Well, I went to see Fedot
The other day, and you know what:

When I saw his charming wife
I fell down on the spot.

It's two days, upon my word,
That I haven't touched the sword,

There's nothing left for me but sigh,
I'm afraid, I'm going to die.

Yesterday, I will confess,
I made a sin: I wrote a verse,

The doc is scared for my brains,
It's a shock of love, he claims.

The soldier must be gotten rid of.
Didn't he know that I'm a widow?

I'll remind you of your duty:
Go and bring me now that beauty!

As for this insidious man
Wipe him out, if you can,

Grind him out so that he
Mightn't hang around here!

To kidnap her I've got wits,
But think of people in the streets,

When they learn it's your idea
They will tear you to bits.

Are you such a fool all days
Or is it just on Saturdays?

Must I tell my minister
Everything in every case?

To prevent the vicious tongues
You must act on legal grounds,

Or, in other words, just try
And do it... on the sly!

You are not yourself today,
Looking pale, struck with dismay.

Are the Turks approaching Moscow,
Or the Swedes stand in your way?

Have this aspen bark, a bit,
It will do you good indeed,

After all, it isn't nitric,
It's a gift of nature, isn't it?

The aspen juice, my General,
Has got a healthy mineral,

No General has died from it,
Just have a taste, and you'll be fit.

Lay off, woman, I'm not ill,
Let us step across the hill,

Scare away those hedgehogs, squirrels,
I must talk to you, it's serious!

There's a soldier, Fedot by name,
He thinks he's got too much brain,

I was told the other day
To put him out of the way.

How? By cutting of his head?
There'll be a noise, I'm afraid.

Can you give me your advice
As to how to make him dead?

Magic, magic, you know what,
Three are here, yours are not,

Ace of diamonds, oaken coffin,
Tell me all about Fedot...

Well, if he's so prompt and smart
As to dare disregard

Our sovereign, let him get,
By tomorrow, a golden carpet.

It has got to have a grand
Map-like view of the whole land.

If he doesn't make so bold,
It will be his own fault.

What a woman! What a skill!
That's the end of my ordeal!

You could be a politician
And hold a minister's position!

I can pay you back, I think,
Marten, beaver - anything!

If you want, I'll give you coins,
Gold or silver - it's your choice.

Keep us without sin this day,
Better put your coins away,

I'm not doing it for money,
I enjoy it, so why pay?

Should you have some trouble again,
Come, don't treat me with disdain,

After all, I'm not a beast,
I will always soothe your pain.

By tomorrow you must get
A carpet of a spun gold thread,

Try and do it for all you're worth,
It's a state affair, don't forget!

It has got to have a grand
Map-like view of the whole land.

'cause from my balcony I see
Nothing. Do you understand?

If you don't fulfil the task
And don't do as you are asked,

I shall have to hand you in
To the butcher in the mornin'!

Tell me, why are you so angry?
Why don't you eat, you must be hungry.

Is the porridge overdone?
Or the meat is underdone?

Dash it! I don't feel like eating,
The Tsar's ferocity is killing!

The villain knows no justice, heck!
There's no keeping him in check!

He has ordered me to get
A carpet with an ornament

Which must be as big as Russia
With the lakes and woods on it!

Don't you worry, don't you sob!
Never mind the crazy snob!

Stand before me, Frol and Tit,
Get immediately what we need!

Do you hear what I say?
Go and do it without delay!

You don't have to doubt us,
We have done it many times!

I was told to get a carpet,
As you see, I've really got it,

Both the pattern and the colour
Are exactly as you wanted!

Oh my!

The whole of Russia is depicted
On the carpet. You may keep it.

It's my spouse's gift, brand new,
She has woven it for you!

You're a dodger through and through!
How m'ny maids are you married to?

You cannot be engaged to
An entire weaving mill, can you?

I know you have a wife, Fedot,
She's the only one you've got,

And to weave a thing like this
One has got to have a lot!

Is the carpet not so fine?
Or you don't like the design?

Then I'll put it on my shoulder,
That's the end, I draw the line!

Lest my efforts be in vain
I shall sell it to trades men,

And I do not care a damn
If it flows to Amsterdam!

I would be so glad to slash
You with a whip or with a lash,

So that you might never again
Play your jokes on serious men!

However, as a man I'm quiet,
And I'm fair, I'll give you right:

Here's a coin for you, buy vodka.
Now get out of my sight!

Well, my General, I imagine,
You have missed by a small margin,

But this margin will make up
Five years of a prison camp!

You're broad in shoulders all right,
But you've grown dull in mind,

There's a chance, at state expense,
To restore your mental health.

You may jail me any day
For any term, but I should say,

Prison as an object lesson
Will not help me anyway.

I would rather, sword in hand,
Fight for our dear land,

As for these petty intrigues
Count me out of such things!

Come, your honour, be a good chap,
Don't you get into a flap,

Think about how Fedot
Can be laid down without a sword.

If you fool about 'nd refuse,
Then don't look for an excuse;

I shall wipe your mug, you swine,
With this very fist of mine!

Why are you so glum again?
What's the reason, who's to blame?

Are the Spaniards too pugnacious?
Do the French lay any claim?

Here's a mould drink I have made,
Take a gulp, don't be afraid.

It will help you to forget
All the cares of life, I bet!

Though it?s out of the way,
It will cool you anyway,

You'll be healthy by tomorrow
If you do not die today!

It's the soldier-man again,
He has caused me so much pain!

That's the reason why I'm ailing,
And I'm suffering from strain.

The bloody scoundrel's so clever!
He has fooled me! Well I never!

All your magic was in vain,
He got the carpet all the same!

Though he doesn't seem so bright,
He has got a keen mind!

Next time, when you do your magic,
Try to do it damn right!

Magic, magic, you know what,
Three are here, yours are not,

Ace of diamonds, oaken coffin,
Tell me all about Fedot!...

Ah-a, mm-mm... To my calls
I've got the following response:

Let him search and find a deer
With the branch of golden horns.

There's nowhere in the world
Such a deer, take my word!

I can tell you that for sure
As a naturalist, my lord!

Shake of idleness! Today
You'll have to get under way,

I'm in a desperate need of a deer,
It's a state mission, I must say.

If you're a loyal man,
You will do the best you can,

Go across the hills and swamps,
Find a deer with golden horns.

Don't talk back, and do not scold,
Go and do as you are told,

Or you'll get to know right off
How your head can be cut off!

Tell me, why are you looking blue?
Does anything worry you?

Has the soup too little salt?
Has the beefsteak any fault?

Dash! To eat I'm not willing,
It's the Tsar again. The villain!

He will call me to account
For the task that he has given.

He's s more ruthless than a foe!
He has ordered me to go

And find a deer, and he wants
A deer with golden horns!

There's no reason to be sad,
Things are not as bad as that.

Stand before me, Frol and Tit,
Get immediately what we need!

Do you hear what I say?
Go and do it without delay!

You don't have to doubt us,
We have done it many times!

You've been waiting for it, right?
Well, I've got it, look outside!

Did you order me a deer?
There you are! You can take pride!

The deer's horns, for you to know,
Give out a brilliant sparkling glow,

It's as bright as broad daylight,
So you'll need no lamp at night.

No such deer can be found
In these places, nor around!

There are three of them or so
In Baghdad, for all I know.

Now, you soldier, figure out
Where is Moscow and where's Baghdad,

Could you possibly have travelled
To Baghdad in just one night?

Damn! You're really being funny!
The deer isn't so fine, eh?

Didn't you tell me yesterday
To get one for love or money?

If you are as rich as that,
I'll return it to Baghdad.

Who's the ruler there now?
The chap will really be glad!

Lay off, Fedya, and don't fret,
Or you will lay down your head!

I know what you're driving at,
I see through you, remember that!

Anyhow, to save your face
I'll excuse you in this case,

Here's a coin for you, buy vodka.
Now get out of this place!

You have done your best, old chap,
Yet Fedot escaped the trap,

Here's the official notice
of your death I have made up.

First, however, I must think
How to kill you best, you pig,

Shall I strangle you with a pillow,
Or just strike with a candlestick?

I have come to grief, my lord,
You may hit me, here's the sword,

I just want to tell you: don't
Bother me with this Fedot!

I'm a fool, but judge me not ,
I'm a man of a different sort,

I would rather go to combat
Or take part in an assault.

You are brave when sword in hand,
But you've got to understand,

You must overcome the soldier
Using wisdom, and - unarmed!

If you do all anyhow,
As you've done it up to now,

I shall bring you to the scaffold,
Under axe, you scarecrow.

You are suffering from nerves,
There's a pimple on your nose,

It's the politics that tells
On your spirit and your health.

Take this pill of rabbit's dung,
It's been really well done!

It's much healthier than honey
Though it doesn't taste so fine.

And although it isn't sweet,
And some people die from it,

Those who manage to survive
Live a long and healthy life!

It's all rubbish what you say,
You had better find a way

And tell me how the soldier-man
Can be put out of the way.

Though you really tried hard
All your tricks have fallen flat!

Don't pretend you're hard of hearing,
I just don't believe in that!

You should pull your wits together,
Try and use your magic better,

For we must admit: Fedot
Isn't so brainless as we thought!

Generally, I'm sly and shrewd,
Or, should I say, I'm quite crooked,

But today my luck is out,
I can't make my magic good!

All these days I've been in pain,
Burning inside, all aflame,

I've been suffering of late
From inflammation of the brain!

Oh my back! I'm feeling stiff!
I think I need some relief!

Therefore, such being the case,
Leave me alone, I'm on sick leave!

You are ill. Well, never min'
Eat a frog, and you'll be fine.

Mother nature, as I heard,
's the best healer in the world!

You don't even think about
Cheating me an' fooling around!

You are wicked, so don't shirk,
Turn your wickedness to work!

If you don't do as you're told
I shall draw out my sword!

Though you're a friend of mine
I shall make you toe the line!

Magic, magic, tell me what,
Three are here, yours are not,

Ace of diamonds, oaken coffin,
Tell me all about Fedot!..

Let the soldier show his skill,
Let him get something unreal,

Something That Cannot Be Found,
In This World, Nor Underground!

Now, Fedot, you're in for it!
The idea is just brilliant!

You will never carry out
Such a task! On no account!

Do your utmost and get me
Something That Cannot Be!

Write it down for it might
Somehow get out of your mind!

I shall tell you my condition:
If you don't fulfil the mission,

I shall tear you to ribbons
For I hate your disposition!

Cheer up, get under way!
You must do it without delay ,

It's a matter of state importance,
D? you understand what I say?

Will you get it of your chest?
Tell me, why are you depressed?

Has the salad a la Milan got
No truffles in it, or what?

No, Marie, I love your food,
It's extraordinarily good!

I'm just worried that my life
Has been ruined to the root!

What am I supposed to do?
Who can help me, maybe you?

This time the Tsar ordered me
To get Something That Can't Be!

There's no use to worry at all,
All I have to do is call:

Stand before me, Frol and Tit,
Get immediately what we need!

Do you hear what I say?
Go and do it without delay!

Sorry, mistress, we resign
For it's out of our line.

If we had a sketch or drawing,
We could work it out fine!

There's no use to search like this,
We won't venture, don't insist,

Where is it, something unreal ,
Something that does not exist?

There's no use to scout around
For the thing that can't be found!

Darling, don't be hard on me,
I can't help it, as you see,

Nothing doing, you will have
To search for it yourself, my love!

When abroad don't make a sin,
Keep your mind and body clean,

Do not enter conversations,
And don't strike up an acquaintance!

Take care, dear, don't go astray,
Keep from empty troubles away,

Eat sour cream and cottage cheese.
Think about your health, that is.

You don't need to have a fright,
Everything will be all right,

I shall carry the task out
And return home safe and sound!

Don't lose heart while I'm away,
Water flowers every day,

There's a tambour, a balalaika,
You can do the needlework or play.

Should somebody bother you,
You know well what you can do,

I don't have to teach you, dear,
The frying pan is over here!

Tell me good or bad news,
It must be the bare truth,

Which I know is never nice,
Yet it's better than sweet lies!

However, if the news you've got
Is something like I don't know what,

I can tell you, you'll be jailed
For ten years, you mark my word!

Your majesty, let me report:
At break of day Soldier Fedot

Set of on a mission voyage,
We've got rid of him, thank God!

May the scoundrel rove the seas,
A good lesson to him it is!

You and I are now secure
From seeing his ugly face, for sure!

Nurse, hey, Nurse, will you come here?
There's some work for you, my dear,

I've got hairs that are grey,
Will you tear them away?

As for those that aren't grey
Shape them in a proper way,

Take it easy with the brush,
I've got hair there, not hay!

What's there to brush, you dry old stick?
Your hair is not that thick ,

Every hair that you have
Must be registered, I think!

Tell me, why d'you need a wife
Now that you have lived your life?

I can tell you: as a man,
Sorry... you aren't worth a damn!

Well, although my hair is grey,
I must marry anyway.

The shah of Persia's just as bold,
He's got forty wives, they say!

As for me I want a wife,
Only one, not three or five.

Do you think I cannot make it,
In the sense of intimate life?

The shah has obviously got
Might and strength while you have not!

You're so small, you gnat, that one
Cannot see you under the crown!

At your age you're not so strong
As you were when you were young.

Think about your health, you're over
A hundred , if I'm not wrong.

I'm over a hundred, well, so what?
I feel young, my blood is hot!

After all, it is well known
That all ages are love-prone!

So whatever you might think,
I'm fit for such a thing,

I'm liable to love
Like any other human being!

You're one of those, my friend,
That do not have ill intent,

That may give an awful fright,
Like a grass-snake, but don't bite!

To kidnap somebody's wife
One has got to be in love,

Whereas you must play it safe
Trying to escape the grave.

Why are you silent, General,
Rattling your decoration metal?

Don't you see the way the nurse
Lays the state under a curse?

While the nurse is damning me
The minister sits silently,

Your first care is defence,
So repel the enemy!

Let her grumble, I don't mind,
Women never judge men right!

As for you, you needn't doubt,
You're a lover of a perfect kind!

Your profile inspires pride,
You're shah of Persia from behind!

Move your crown up a little,
Just to make a better sight!

Look, he's not an enemy,
He has told the truth to me,

After all, he's not so stupid,
However foolish he may be!

As for you, you only try
To make trouble and defy

Your superiors. I wonder:
Are you not a foreign spy?

If you tail on me, you rat,
I shall see about that!

You just wait a day or two,
I shall have high words with you!

I gave orders that Fedot
Should urgently go abroad,

He is gone and lost for you,
I've got rid of him, in short!

To avoid a lonely life
Marry me and be my wife!

Why not? I'm a man of note,
And I'm sensitive to love!

No sooner had Fedot
Taken the road

Than the ravens flew in
To his garden plot!

Don't be silly, do as I say,
Take what I lay in your way!

Widowed Tsars don't come to see you
In your house every day!

Come along now! I insist!
I shall lead you to the priest.

If you're dumbfounded with delight,
Sniff ammonia, you'll be all right!

Your Majesty, you'd better chase,
Court and marry someone else,

Me, I'll wait for my Fedot,
Watch the calendar, 'nd count the days.

Don't believe in rumours, lass,
The soldier won't return, alas!

He's somewhere in Beirut
Eating some sort of fruit!

Just try to see it my way,
You're at home while he's away!

He is gone and lost for ever,
Sure as fate, he's had his day!

You may beat me with a rod!
You may smash me with a sword!

Yet I'll never be your wife!
Not even to save my life!

Now, Marusya, don't make me cross!
Don't let's quarrel just for once!

I should say, the other day
I got a guillotine from France!

Thus I think you will agree:
You had better marry me,

After all, I'm only human,
Not an iron man, you see?

Leave the house, you wicked man,
And give up your crazy plan!

If you don't get out now,
I shall help you, with a pan!

Hey you, there in the doorway!
Come and chain her right away!

Throwing pans at Tsars! What's that?
Is it a new trend today ?

You'll have to sweat like a bull
To catch hold of me, you fool,

Farewell, old man, you may,
See me around again some day!

London

Marusya!..

Why do the birches in Russia
rustle noisily so?

Why do these white-trunk trees
understand it all?

Leaning against the roads,..

To indulge the Tsar's caprice
I've been often overseas,

Frankly speaking, I have never
Seen a place as bad as this!

The Buyan Island

Though it wouldn't be so bad
If there were food to be had,

If I had at least goose-foot,
I would be content with that !

If somebody wants to eat,
Welcome here, take a seat:

I've got heaps of foodstuff here,
There's a whole lot of it!

Here's, for instance, a bread loaf,
Have a taste, it's straight from stove!

Here's turkey from the pot!
Here's cherry-plum compote,

Here's sausage, here's cheese,
Here's caviar, if you please,

Here is sturgeon from the Don,
Here are Caribbean shrimps...

What sort of miracles are these?
I want to know whose voice it is!

There's no hiding place around,
Just the ocean - and no trees!

Master, come into my view,
Show me what you're like, will you?

For a guest to dine alone
Isn't a proper thing to do!

Well, I would, but my appearance
Seems to be a bit mysterious,

Sometimes I have a puzzling thought:
Do I really exist or not?

I've got troubles, I can't help it,
I've got food but I can't eat!

There's tobacco, I can't sniff it,
There's a bench but I can't sit.

It has been a thousand years,
I'm sick and tired of all this!

I can't hang myself, for heaven's sake
For I haven't got a neck!

What an encounter! Oh Lord!
I have found you! My word!

Something That Cannot Be Found,
Nowhere In The Whole World!

Why should you get on like that,
Idling about, feeling bad?

Maybe, you and I should better
Sail to the Russian Tsar together?

Good afternoon! How are you? We are
Very glad to see you here.

Very good! Salam aleikum!
Buenos sera! You are welcome!

Where are you from? How old are you?
Are you married? Do you intend to?

Would you like to tell our freulein,
Tete-a- tete, a word or two?

You're discussing policy
With a savage, can't you see?

It's just three days since the envoy
Has come down the palm-tree!

You're a spy, and it's a fact!
You're talking through your hat!

You have damaged my relations
With all friendly foreign nations!

I wait for visitors for years,
And they're turned out by the nurse!

After all, I must find someone
Who would marry our princess!

Look at his face, his ugly ears,
And the nose-ring that he wears!

Look, his skin is speckled, too,
Like the egg of a cuckoo!

Frankly speaking, even I
Wouldn't sleep with him. Oh my!

How can you give the girl in marriage
To such an ugly man, a savage!

When there isn't any chance
One's content with what one has!

With regards to looks the princess
Is far from being a bunch of sweetness!

She's got to marry any man,
A hunchbacked or a speckled one

Because even speckled ones
Do not come in flocks to us!

You know he comes from wilderness!
Look what he's eating! My goodness!

Remember that topaz vase?
He's devoured it! Bless my stars!

For a "thank you" they will eat
Anything, even poisoned meat!

The man may be quite innocent,
Yet we must keep an eye on it:

When you offer him some eats
Tell him he must know the limits!

For he may eat up his bride
In the heat of appetite!

To go out with such a brute?
I should be damned, if I could!

He is not much to look at
And a cannibal at that!

Should the queer troglodyte
Take a fancy to your sight,

He will surely lose for ever
His cannibal's appetite!

Father, you may whine and groan,
But I?ll come into my own!

I would rather give my life
Than become a cannibal?s wife!

If it were my friend Fedot
Who?d propose to me, why not?

I would give consent, you see,
He is just the man for me!

Harping on the same old string
Isn?t there a better thing?

This Fedot is all for you
Cares and grieves and everything

Your Fedot appears to be
At the bottom of the sea,

Or the ocean, for that matter,
So he needs no wife, you see?

Well, if what you say is true,
I will give the devil his due,

I?ll stop eating, as a protest,
To revenge myself on you.

The caviar I used to eat,
As a rule, a pail of it,

I?ll stop eating, and from hunger
I?ll fall ill and die, indeed!

Here and there the same old scene
From ministers to kith and kin

There are wreckers everywhere
Godless doubters, I mean.

Come on, honey, be so good,
Lay the table, bring some food,

Will you give me one of those
Nicely baked loaves of yours!

Give me your delicious shchi,
Make it rich and thick for me,

I've become as thin as a rod
Eating rabbit food abroad.

There is not a soul around ,
Just the wind, and not a sound ,

Is there anything the matter?
I just cannot make it out!

Welcome, honey, what went wrong?
You have travelled far too long,

You must have forgotten me,
It's a year since you've been gone!

Henriettes and Josephines,
I've seen plenty overseas,

But I haven't seen a beauty
Such as you among those queens.

I have travelled rather long
And I haven't gone wrong,

I have found in the end
Something to the Tsar's content!

Honey, had you known before
Whom you were sweating for,

I can tell you, you'd have never
Ever stepped out of your door!

When you left, the shameless man
Had a try to win my hand,

Urging me to come to reason
And be his spouse by next season.

Did he really? What a bastard!
How can such a man be trusted?

How can I struggle for his honour
And be loyal to my master?

Anyhow, I'll make him hot,
I shall tell him what is what!

And I'll show what I can do:
Paint him all o'er black and blue!

He wouldn't dare! The way he mocks
And makes fools of Russian folks!

I'll take care of him somehow,
I've got nothing to lose now!

There's... what is it?.. a crowd
of people on the palace grounds!

So it's obvious: things are taking
A social turn, if I'm not mistaken!

It's Fedot who is to blame,
He is playing a deep game,

Setting people against you,
Urging them to stage a coup!

What about you, my lord?
You've got such a sharp sword,

Don't I keep you by my side
To protect my peace and quiet?

Some day, when two Sundays meet,
You'll get a medal, I promise it.

All you must do is prevent
The overthrow of my government!

A lot I care for a medal!
I've got heaps of them already!

When I have them all on me
I look like a Christmas tree!

And I don't see any sense
To come out in your defence,

You have made your own bed,
So you lie on it, my friend!

What the hell, explain to me,
Does this all suppose to mean?

We are not a France of a sort
Where people sow discord!

Who is willing to Siberia?
One by one, come out here!

Staying there in a prison
Will quickly bring you all to reason!

As for reason, we are not blind,
We all have a lucid mind

And distinguish, thanks to God,
Rubbish from forget-me-not!

Tell me, why did you send me of
To a place no one knows of?

Is it not because you wanted
To get married to my wife?

How did this idea get
Into your goddamn villain's head?

Throwing dirt at honest people
That's what I call what you said!

Does it befit a man like me
To court your wife? How can it be?

There's no use, as I can see,
To send you out across the sea!

Now calm down, your majesty,
We're not here for a cup of tea,

If you quarrel, you big bug,
I shall smash you in the mug!

Your notorious malice spreads
As far as Che-re-po-vets!

In my person, ill-intentioned,
You have spat upon the nation!

Calm down, Fedya, don't be mean,
My people are my kith and kin,

Without thinking of them, I should say,
I can't live a single day!

When I eat my butter and bread
Thoughts of the people enter my head,

Both the caviar and compote
Stick like crazy in my throat!

It's the General's dirty tricks,
He engages in intrigues,

And he's the only one to blame
For defaming my good name!

No, no, brothers, it's not true!
I have lost my eye for you!

You're my people, can I ever
Be against you? Well, I never!

I acknowledge all my guilt
And the gravity of it,

I should ask you, let me go
And fight in a current war.

If there's no war, I'll accept
Prison, exile - all, except

That I wish it were near
The Black Sea, in the Crimea!

You should blame Yaga for this,
She's the worst of enemies,

Even dragon Gorynytch
Cannot rival our witch!

I'm a folklore element,
I have got a document!

I can fly away from here
Any time, at any moment!

Sorry, I have gone astray,
It just happened that way,

Don't be strict to me, I'm only
A child of nature, so to say!

If it comes to that, blame these
Two of my accomplices.

Though I look an evil doer,
Compar'd wi' them, I'm pure!

You're all so shrewd, you folk,
I'm in a state of shock!

You blame one another while
Each of you is equally vile!

Though we Russians feel contempt
For severe punishment,

Yet I'll have to try you, friends,
For a criminal offence.

We shall put you in a barrel,
Throw you in the sea to travel.

It's not a travel first class,
So don't expect a ship from us.

May the ocean take you round,
Get you to the Buyan Island,

I will give you my accordion,
So that you might not grow wild.

I'm sorry, I must say,
The accordion doesn't play,

However, as a sign of culture,
You will need it anyway.

As for poor wretched tsar,
Let him travel very far,

I don? care a wooden button
For his waning fighting star.

God be praised, now, in the end,
He has taken punishment

Now, without hesitation,
You can marry me my friend!

I would gladly marry you,
I?ve got a wife, I don?t need two,

There many men around
Single men, and good ones, too.

I?m neither Turk nor Greek
I?m married, and I?ll stick

To my family; I?ll never
Change my wife for any chick!

So you?re incapable at all
To help out the grieving girl

But so far I am a princess
The tsar?s daughter after all!

Now if you don?t take your chance
And get me what I want for once

You will get out of here
Straight into the butcher?s hands!

Come, come, princess, don?t be sad
Don?t pretend you are in bad!

And if love has not come out
I apologize for that.

I just cannot be in debt,
So I?ll do something instead,

I will side with you in trouble,
Do the best I can, you bet!

We will not shed tears for once
For it's time to eat and dance,

Come out, stand in front of me,
Something That Cannot Be!

It is a long time that I
Have been standing nearby ,

Waiting for you to wind up,
Not daring to interrupt!

Now, my fellow countrymen,
Keep your chins up if you can,

After all, we are not here
For a funeral, are we?

Bring us all that you can get,
Marmalade and chocolate

Finnish bacon, sausage, ham,
Smoked meat from Amsterdam!

Get that Swiss cheese wrapped in rolls,
I mean the one that's full of holes.

Make for us a feast unheard of
And unseen within the walls!

And if somebody wants a drink,
Home-brew, wine or anything,

He may have a glass or two,
There's something to drink to!

Sergei Bezrukov (Fedot)
Chulpan Khamatova (Marusya)
Victor Sukhorukov (Tsar)
Dmitry Dyuzhev (General)

Alexander Revva (Old Witch)
Eugenia Dobrovolskaya (Nursemaid)
Mikhail Efremov (Something-That-Cannot-Be)
Irina Bezrukova (Princess)

Director
Lyudmila Steblyanko

Translated from the Russian
by Alec Vagapov

Subtitles by Boris Bulgakov

Oh my!

THANK YOU