The Take Out Move (2022) - full transcript

When a shadowy figure instructs two different men to take out the same woman, they both end up at her home at the same time, fighting each other and the absurd situation to be the one to complete the assignment.

- Thank you for coming.
- Thank you for selecting me.

I know it must have been
a difficult decision.

It was.

This is the girl.
Her name is Amber.

Address on the back.

I think your mission is clear.

Not a problem, Mr. Fanst.

Consider it done.

Before you take her out,

you must ensure that
she successfully completes

this series of tasks
laid out before her.

It is only after these tasks
are completed

that you can move forward
with taking her out.

- Is that clear?
- Absolutely.

Yes, sir.

As always,
secrecy is imperative.

It must be done quietly
by you by 8:00.

If you haven't taken her out
by then, the deal is off.

Remember, this is your final job
before full induction.

and you will be accepted.

Failure, as you know,

leads to termination.


Not a problem.

I like you.
You know that, right?



I want you to know

you are the only person
I selected for this job.

I trust you will be
able to do it...


Of course.

Of course.


Yeah. I don't know,
he's just lying on the couch.

Because he's unconscious.

What was I supposed to do,
call an ambulance

and wait around
and answer questions all day?

Yeah, exactly.

It's not my fault
this keeps happening to me.

That time was
completely different.

I don't know,
shaggy hair, scruffy face.

He's not completely hideous
if that's what you're asking.

I don't know.
Why would I peek at his dick?

Yeah, well, clearly you don't know
me as well as you think you do.

Okay, fine,
I looked at his dick.


Yeah. Okay.

Look, I got to go.

Lots to do today.

All right.
See you soon.




Can you hear me?

Wow! What the fuck?
What the fuck?

Hey! Are you okay?

I don't know.

Where am I?

You're in my living room.

What happened?

- A door hit you.
- What?

- In the face.
- What?

I hit you with a door
in the face.

Look, the details
really aren't important.

How are you feeling?

Like a truck just ran me over.

Oh, you poor thing.

If you follow me
into the kitchen,

I can get some ice
for your vagina.

What? You hit me in the face.

- Barely.
- You knocked me unconscious.

- With a door.
- Wh...

Well, I guess that
makes me "a-door-able."

Oh, or maybe that makes you
a total pussy.

Come on.

- This is a nice place.
- Oh, thanks.

I just rent out the guest room, but the
owners of the place are always traveling,

so I kind of have
the full run of the place.

Right now, they're in Belize.

Really? For how long?

About a month.
It's cool, right?

That's super cool.

- I'm Whalen, by the way.
- Amber.

Nice to meet you.

Except for the whole
door-to-the-face thing.

An ice pack for your vag.

I almost forgot.

Your vagina is down there.

- Thanks, but...
- Ice your vagina.

- But I don't...
- Ice your vagina.

There. Is that better?

My dick is cold.

But how's your vagina?

It's cool too.

- Is that cake?
- Yeah, I made it.

- Do you want a piece?
- Sure.

It's red velvet.

Oh. Then never mind.

You don't like red velvet cake?

Don't even get me started
on red velvet cake.

What's wrong
with red velvet cake?

Red velvet cake is just a bland,
semi-chocolate-adjacent confection

that people have only convinced
themselves they like

simply because
it's a pretty color.

Red velvet cake is awesome!

Really? Because if it wasn't
red, nobody would eat it.

If it was brown,
it would just be

pretty shitty chocolate cake,
and nobody would care.

Great. Now you've ruined
my favorite dessert.

Thank you for that.

You are welcome.

Can I take this ice
off my dick now?

In all seriousness,

I do feel bad about hitting you
with that door.

- In the face.
- In the face.

Listen, I'm gearing up
for a pretty big day,

but feel free to stay and rest
as long as you need.

I'm not going anywhere
anytime soon.

Thanks, I will.

Come on.

There we go, nice and easy.

I should probably get that.


- Hi!
- Hi!

- Melissa?
- No.

Is Melissa here?

No, no Melissas here.

Nobody named Melissa lives here?


I see.

I knew it! I knew
this would happen again!

This always happens!
I shouldn't even be surprised.

- What?
- Nothing.

What happened?


I shouldn't have even
expected her to show up.

They never show up.
I hate blind dates.

Someone told you
Melissa lived here?

You poor thing.

And you brought flowers.

You poor thing.


Oh, can I ask you a question and
you promise me you'll be honest?

Of course.

Is that red velvet cake?

- Yes.
- I love red velvet cake.

I know! So good, right?

So good.

Only a complete fucking asshole
wouldn't like red velvet cake.

Amen, brother!
Would you like a piece?

I don't know if I should.

A lifetime on the hips,
you know what I mean?

I do.
But you know what?

Sometimes you just have
to say "fuck it."

- Fuck it!
- Exactly!

Because you deserve cake.

I do deserve cake, don't I?

You deserve red velvet cake!

The best cake.

The best cake for the best boy!

- Thank you.
- Of course.

This has been a crazy day...
for a lot of people.

Why don't you sit down
and get a bit of rest first?


Come on.

There we go.

Do you want to talk about it?

What's wrong with me?

- Whalen?
- Davis.

Do you two know each other?

How do you two know each other?

We share common interests.

Really? That's nice!

Yes, it's very nice.

It's the best thing ever.

Oh, will you guys excuse me
for just a minute?

Of course.

Not a problem.

- What are you doing here?
- Nothing. What are you doing here?

- Nothing.
- Yeah, me too.

Mr. Fanst didn't by chance call
you in for a meeting recently?

- Maybe. You?
- Maybe.

- So we're here for the same thing, aren't we?
- Certainly, seems that way.

- Any chance we can both do this?
- I don't think so.

Evidently, one of us
is supposed to fail.

- I'm afraid I can't afford to do that.
- Well, neither can I.

Well, then, I'd say we have
a problem on our hands.

I'd say you do.

Sorry about that.
What were we talking about?

Davis was just explaining
how he got rid of his latest...


What was the name
of that ointment again?

I'll be sure to write it down

so the pharmacist gets it
just right for you.

His is a scorcher.

That's what we were
talking about?

You don't remember?

That's all this guy ever
talks about it, his "region."

- I don't talk about my region that much.
- It's pretty constant.

I don't talk about my region
in great frequency.

I actually don't even
refer to it as my "region."

- He calls it his region all the time.
- I don't talk about my region!

See? He's still doing it.

I'm pretty sure that's not
what we were talking about.

Are you okay?

Yeah. What's wrong with you?

There's something
really wrong with him.

I"m glad you noticed too.
What's wrong with you?

All this region talk.

I'd say it's beneath you, but
now I'm not so certain that it is.

Why don't you go peddle your
pornography elsewhere, you smutmonger.

It's disgusting, and I will not
allow it underneath my roof.

Why don't you just show us on
the doll where he touched you?

You've offended our host
and the damage is beyond repair.

I suggest you leave immediately.
Good day, sir!

Well, that's not exactly
what I meant.

Yeah, Whalen,
don't be so judgmental.

He's so judgmental.
Intolerant, really.

That's probably a better word
for it, intolerant.

It's sad.
Disgusting, even.

"Disgusting" might be
how most people describe it.

Is this because
I'm 1/64 Cherokee?

So racist, Whalen, so racist!
You should leave.

Go until you can get some proper
counseling and some real perspective.

Go. Heal your mind,
heal your heart, heal your soul.

Take some much needed
Whalen time.

It's okay. Nobody here
is going to judge you.

Anyway, so sorry
you have to leave so soon.

We're really going
to miss you, pal.

Oh, such a bummer
you have to be leaving.

Hey, write, keep in touch.
And, hey, don't be a stranger.

Are you both leaving?

- No.
- No.

So, you're both staying.

- No.
- No.

I think I know
what's going on here.

You do?

It's pretty obvious.

It is?

You both have had
a really rough day,

and you both need some rest.

Nobody's going anywhere
until I'm good and ready.

And I won't take no
for an answer.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Okay.

Good. Follow me.

Relax and make yourselves
right at home.

I'll be back to check
on you boys in a bit.

What is your problem?

How dare you imply
that I'm 1/64 racist?

You know I'm sensitive to
the plight of the Native peoples.

- What are you talking about?
- Why do you always have to cause problems?

What are you talking about?

A rash on my region!

Where the hell
did that come from?

- That was funny.
- Yeah, funny like a fox.


Just don't let the door hit you
in the ass on the way out.

Oh, okay.
I'm a little confused.

Are you walking or should I call you a cab?

Look, she's gonna come out of
that room in less than one minute.

And when she does, one
of us had better not be here.

Like, I don't know,
you, for example.

I'll tell you what.
Why don't we put it to a vote?

Who here thinks
Whalen should stay?

Let's see, one, two, three...

Wow! No one.

Nobody likes you.
It's unanimous. Leave.

- Don't touch me.
- I'm sorry.

Why don't you leave
and we'll call it even?

Okay, that sounds fair.

Let me just give you this
first, though, hold on a second.

Fun's over.

Guess so.

Let's do this.



Ouch! Time out!
Time out! Time out!

- What is it?
- I think got something in my eye.

Ew, is it an eyelash?
Can you see it?

Let me look.

Oh! What the fuck?

Yeah, you like that?

No, I did not like that, at all.

That was a cheap shot
and you know it.

What's wrong with you?

All's fair
in love and war, bitch.

- This is why no one likes you.
- No, it's not!

I mean, people like me.

All right, fine.

Nah, I'm just kidding.
I can't really do a back flip.

Oh, that would have been
so awesome!

- Right?
- Yeah.


Are you guys feeling better?


- Ow!
- Ow!

- What?
- What?

- Stop copying me!
- Stop copying me!

- No!
- No!

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Damn it!
- Damn it!

Okay, okay.
It's getting ridiculous.

I have an idea.

Heads, I stay;
tails, you leave.

Wait, how dumb
do you think I am?

I get to flip it.

Hmm. Tails.

Ceiling looks good.

You wanna check the floorboards?



Oh, my God!

I'm so exhausted!

I need to do more cardio.

No more skipping Zumba class.

Promise yourself, Davis.

Let me just catch my breath.

Then I'll kick your ass.

You're so dead...

as soon as I find
an oxygen tank.

Just... just another minute.

Just a little more.

Rest is good.

- Okay.
- I'm ready...

whenever you are.

I'm ready.

Okay, I'm ready.

No. No.
Not yet, not yet.

- Oh, I think I'm dying.
- Oh, thank God.


- You okay?
- What's wrong?

My help for today
just totally bailed on me.

I'm so screwed.
I have so much to do today.

Now I'm never
gonna get it all done.

- I'll help you.
- I will too.

You guys would do that?

I won't leave until everything
on your list is done.

Me either.

Oh, my God!
You guys are lifesavers.

I can't believe you guys
would do this for me.

Well, I'm full of surprises.

You're full of something.

- Holy shit!
- I know, right?

The owners of this house asked me to
help them clean out some of this stuff.

I could really use your help
with a bit of the lifting.

- Of course.
- That's what we're here for.

So, which of the stuff
do you need help moving?

- All of it.
- All of it?

W-Where are we supposed
to put it all?

In there.

But all this stuff
won't fit in there.

Thank you.
Let me know when you're done.

What the fuck?

Whatever, wussy.
Start lifting.

I'm not a wuss.
You're a wuss.

You are a wuss,
that's why I said it.

So, the recipe
I developed for my class

is an original
organic vegan spin

on classic Scandinavian
comfort food.

Look, we don't have
that much time.

I don't care
what it tastes like,

we tell her it's fantastic
and move on, got it?

Got it.

Here it is.

That looks amazing.

Yes, very... inventive.

Wait till you taste it.

- What is it?
- It's chicken.


I thought you said it was vegan.

It is.

It's "chicken" with a "K."

Chicken's always spelled
with a "K."

What the fuck is going on?

You guys wanna know
what's really weird?

We call cows beef, pig pork,

sheep mutton, and deer venison,

but chicken...

We just call it chicken.

Isn't that weird?

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Try it!

You seem really uncomfortable.

Dude, just, honestly,
don't get so close.

Why are you so uncomfortable
with this?

Why are you not
uncomfortable with this?

- Stop moving, please.
- Sorry.

I'm just really
comfortable with my masculinity.

This kind of stuff
doesn't really bother me.

- My inner thigh is touching your dick.
- Is it?

I hadn't really noticed Little G
sort of has a mind of his own.

Little G?
Your dick's a rapper now?

My dick's musical stylings
are not confined to one genre

and defy labeling,
thank you very much.

And I'm pretty sure my dick
is touching your thigh.

- That's what I just said.
- No.

You said that your thigh was touching my
dick, but my dick is touching your thigh.

Little G is the aggressor.

I just wanted to make sure you knew that.

- Stop moving.
- Sorry.

She's right, though, you
probably should stop moving.

- Especially your inner thigh.
- Oh, my God!

On second thought,
keep doing it.

Stop it.

Okay, jiggle, do it.

- Oh, yeah.
- Stop it.

Oh, jiggle for me.


Don't move!

- Don't move.
- Stop it.


- Please tell me you're faking.
- Stop climaxing.


I'm telling you, this one
girl's room smelled like shit.

I know that we say that
spoiled milk and dirty sneakers

smell like shit, but they don't.

They smell bad;
her room smelled like shit.

Like a pile of shit.

Like somebody just went
in there, took a dump,

and then left it there
for like a very long time.

And then she just went on
living her life

as if the pile
and the stink weren't there.

So, what did you do?

She broke up with me.

Can't you like
just try to sympathize?

Shut up.


What do you think?

Davis, you have to try it too.


That's... something.

- Right?
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.
- Right.

The secret ingredient is love.

- Hmm.
- I'm just kidding.

The secret ingredient
is Helsinki yak juice.


Yak... juice?


I don't even wanna ask
what that means.

Not that it's super important
right now,

but anything coming
from a yak is not vegan.

Sure, it is.

This is from a yak.

- With a "K."
- Yak was always spelled with a K.

You know what?
Never mind.

Do you like it?

Yeah, it's...
Yeah, it's pretty good.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.


Keep eating!

This is gonna go really bad
in like 20, 25 minutes.

All right,
only two more courses to go.

- Ow! Hurry up!
- I'm trying!

How many cats
could she possibly have?

This is clearly
the work of a mountain lion.

Oh, God, I got it in my eye!

I'm blind!
Cat piss made me blind!

Her cats need a healthier diet.

Get a dog, woman!

- Help me!
- I can't see!

- Lift the bag!
- I can't!

I don't wanna do this anymore.

So, what I'm saying is,
you know how some gay guys

talk in stereotypical gay voice?

I don't think we should
be talking about this.

Well, what if everyone had
their own stereotypical voice?

Like you go into a bar
and every woman you meet,

you know instantly
what she's into

just by the sound of her voice,
right off the bat.

Just by her accent, you
know that this girl's into S&M,

and then you don't have to find
out the hard way two hours later

when she's melting cinnamon-scented
candle wax all over your junk.

That's oddly specific.

No, it isn't.

Instead, right away, you know
from the moment they say hello,

you would know that this girl
does anal on the first date.

And this guy,
he definitely goes down

on his woman
for like a very long time.

It'd be a hell of a system and
it would really, really streamline

the whole dating process.

You're weird guy.

I know.

Doesn't mean I'm wrong, though.

So, the second course
is just pickles?

Don't even get me started
on pickles.

What's wrong with pickles?

Why would anyone do that
to a cucumber?

I mean, brine? Really?

You have really strong opinions
about food.

Look, I get it if you're
sailing across the ocean

and it's the only way
to preserve food

because it's the 1600s
or whatever,

but nowadays,
people have refrigerators.

So we no longer need
to soak our food

in piss and vinegar
or whatever it is.

I'm pretty sure the first
ingredient in brine is not piss.

And what is it, then?

What's in pickle juice?

- I have no idea.
- So, it could be piss.

- It's not piss.
- It's probably piss.

You guys basically
just confirmed that it's piss.

Can't argue with science.

- Excuse me, Amber.
- Yes?

- Why am I holding this grapefruit?
- Why do you care?

Because I thought it would be
cool and fun to draw.

I'm trying to understand
my motivation.

Your motivation
is to stand there and shut up

so she can draw us as quick as
possible before you try to get me pregnant.

Oh, relax.
That would never happen.

You're not my type.

What the hell's
that supposed to mean?

- Huh?
- "You're not my type."

I'm everyone's fucking type.

Are you fucking kidding me
right now?

No. I'm manly
in a non-threatening way.

I'm charming
and I have rugged good looks.

Any woman would be lucky
to have me.


Admit it, if you were a man
and I was a woman,

you'd totally wanna fuck me.

- I am a man.
- Uh... see what I mean?

You're a very strange dude.

It's not my fault
you're into me.

- Stop moving!
- Sorry.

- Can you scoop...
- Hold the bag!

- Hold the fucking bag!
- Okay!

- Why does she hate us?
- Why do the cats hate us?

They don't hate us,
they hate her!

- Your cats hate you!
- Just so you know.

Did you two say something?

- Nope.
- So glad we can help.

Yay, cats!

Oh, good!

Ow! Ow! Stop!


Okay, good.

So now just go to your desktop.

- My desktop?
- Yes.

- Go to your desktop.
- Okay.

How do I do that?

Okay, it's just like
I showed you before.

30 seconds ago.
For the fourth time.

But that's okay.
You just...

- This?
- No.

- This?
- No.

- This?
- No! Don't do that!

- Sorry.
- No, it's fine.

These things take time.

Let's just try it
a different way.

What's a right click?

Oh. My. God!

Any notes?

Can we go inside now?

Second verse, same as the first.

You can't declaw cats.

When I was a kid, everyone declawed
their cats to preserve their furniture.

You can't declaw cats.
It's cruel.

Cruel? We neuter them
all the time.

Bob Barker encouraged
that shit for years.

But that's to control
the population.

Oh, so it's inhumane
to trim a cat's claws,

but to chop their balls off
is totally cool?

You know what?

You're actually making
a lot of sense right now,

which means I've been breathing
in cat piss fumes for way too long.

Fuck you!

Sometimes, there is no truth.

Let's say
you meet a girl at a bar.

Does she have a specific lisp?

Shut up.

It's 2:00 a.m.
You're drunk.

You go back to her place
for a little ground and pound,

and then you sneak out as you're
won't to do, and you find your way home.

Now, was that girl looking hot
that night?

There's no way of knowing.

You can't remember her name and you don't
remember how to get back to her house,

so you can never go back there,
even if you wanted to, and you don't.

And she can't contact you
because you were meticulous

about not leaving behind
any distinguishing information,

which is part,
but not all, of the reason

why you gave her
the fake name Paco.

And even if she could contact
you, what's she gonna say?

Girls have no realistic sense
of what they look like anyway.

Skinny girls think they're fat,
fat girls think they're skinny,

and deep down even the most
attractive women in the world

think they're disgusting.

Now, your friends
were also there.

No matter how hot she was,

they're just gonna
tell you she was ugly.

And no matter what kind of
sorry-ass, low-down, ragged bitch

she looked and smelled like,
you're going to insist to your dying day

that she was
so motherfucking fine.

So, what's the truth?

There is no truth.
She's Schrodinger's biatch.

She's both hot and butt-ugly
at the same goddamn time.

That's actually pretty deep.

Hey, if you bang an ugly chick
in the forest,

and no one's around to see it,
did you actually bang her?

Yes, Whalen, you did.

The answer on that's
not gonna change.

Stop asking.

Okay, so I know grammar and
punctuation can be confusing,

but you just need
to add a comma.


After the verb.

After the verb.

What part of speech is "angina"?

Is it a verb?

And that's not
what "irrepressibly" means.

- Why not?
- Because it doesn't.

And "conversate" is not a word,
I promise you.

Oh, really?

Because I'm pretty sure
you and I

are "conversating" right now.

Just don't.

Fine. I guess I'll just
"conversate" by myself.

I hate our school system.

- Are semicolons real?
- I hate it so much.

What does spell check do?

Fuck cats.
You got a dog?

Yeah, I have a little pug
and chihuahua mix.

- You'd love him.
- That's great, man.

- I have an English Mastiff.
- Holy shit.

You wanna see my big guy?

Definitely, but let me
show you mine first.

Hold on, sometimes
it gets stuck in my pants.

All right,
feast your eyes on this.

Wow! You're right, man,
that's super cute.

- Thanks, man.
- That's a perfect size.

Yeah, I'm really lucky.

Works great for me too.

Makes the chicks go crazy.

- Really?
- Hell, yeah!

I mean, I take him out,
walk to the park,

meet tons of women that way.

Really? You just take him out
and show him off?

Hell, yeah.

I mean, I show them
my best smile first,

but it's when they look down
and see him

that they just go crazy.

They come running over
and they're so excited

to put their hands all over him
and give him tons of kisses.

Sometimes two or three girls
at a time.

The amount of stroking from random
women at the park is unbelievable.

All right, now, check out
the size of this fat hog.

Holy shit!
You weren't lying.

- That sucker is huge.
- Yeah.

Sometimes I think this big
might actually be too big.

Really? I didn't know
there was such a thing.

Oh, there is.
Trust me.

When you're toting around
one this big,

- it actually makes it harder to meet women.
- Huh.

Most girls see from a distance and
they just start backing away slowly.

And if there's kids around,
pfft, forget about it.

Nobody's gonna let their kids
touch a monster this size.

Not that I'd want them to,
but, I mean, if their moms

are okay with it, I guess I
would be too, you know?

- Mm, yeah.
- Don't get me wrong.

There's some cool things about
having something this big.

It keeps me from getting
bored when I'm lonely,

especially when it's the middle
of the night and I can't sleep.

But cleaning up
after he's done his thing...

Not cool, believe me.

- You know what we should do?
- What?

- Put them together.
- I don't know.

I don't know if I'd be comfortable
around something that big.

Let alone
how my little guy would react.

- Although, it could be kind of cool.
- Right?

convinced me. Let's do it.

All right, that's enough,
you sickos!

Keep your dicks
away from each other!

That was good advice.

You're welcome.

Come on.

All right, boys,
we're going for a ride.

Where are we headed?

- It's a surprise.
- How fun.

It's gonna be super fun.

Okay, but first, let me finish
my thought, please?

- Fine.
- Okay, so as I was saying, my dick is not that dirty.

I mean, I wash my hands
when I take a piss, sure,

I'm not an animal,
but this dude,

he went and took a piss and
then proceeded to wash his hands

in scalding hot water
and a pile of soap

for like five minutes just
because he touched his own dick.

I mean, I don't know what
meth-head's dirty, dirty ass crack

this dude was messing around in
ten minutes before that,

but my dick's not that dirty.

And if your dick is that dirty,
like so dirty that your hands

just touch it
and they instantly become

absolutely fucking filthy,

then you're probably not
the kind of guy

who's in the habit
of washing his hands

when he takes a piss
in the first place.

- Can we go now?
- If I'm being honest,

I should be washing my hands
before I touch my dick.

My hands are disgusting.

They touch all sorts
of dirty shit every day,

like doorknobs, and money,
and shoelaces.

I mean, my dick basically
wakes up in the morning,

it takes a shower, puts on
a clean pair of underwear,

and then just sits there
all goddamn day,

minding its own business.

My dick's probably
the cleanest part of my body.

Except when it's touching
your inner thigh, Whelan.

Then the whole thing is dirty.

The whole thing.

- What is he talking about?
- His region.

Of course.

Thank you, guys.

I feel a lot better now.
We can go.

He sent me flowers every day.

He asked me out every weekend,
even though I kept saying no.

He stopped by my apartment just
to tell me he was thinking about me.

It was so romantic.

I miss him.

That's fucking creepy.

Persistence is romantic.

It shows a woman
how much you love her.

The persistent pursuit of a woman
is only called romantic in the movies.

In real life,
it's called stalking.

That shit is illegal, trust me.

Well, think about it.

You buy a gallon of gas.

You buy a gallon of milk.

Would you ever buy
a gallon of soda?

No, you buy
two-liter bottles of soda.

Why? Nothing else
in this country is in liters.

If you tried to sell a liter of gas to an
American, they'd punch you in the dick.

Cans are in ounces.

Even the little bottles of soda
are on ounces.

But if you want a big bottle,
suddenly you're in Europe buying liters.

It makes no fucking sense.

I have a major rant boner
right now.

Can we please go?

Okay, are we rolling?

Davis, these are my cameramen.

This is Johnny, and that's
his brother Jimmy over there.

- Hello.
- We good?


What's up, guys?

Thanks for tuning in
to this week's video.

Don't forget to like
and subscribe

because we've got a great one
for you today.

Are you a YouTuber?

I'm an influencer.

It's prank week!

Today's mark is waiting
in line at a coffee shop.

Well, you told him
to get you a latte.

Shut up.

And he has no idea
what's about to happen.

- What is about to happen?
- Shut up.

Come on.

Okay, there he is.

- What are we doing?
- Just follow my lead.

There he is!

This is the asshole
I was telling you about.

- What?
- And his new slut.

- Oh...
- Oh, not so loyal that slut.

Hurts, doesn't it... Steven?

What's happening?

I bet you thought
you'd never see me again.

Well, here I am.

Kick his ass, Gary.

- Me?
- Yes, Gary.

Do your thing.


Hey, asshole!

You better...

s-stay away from my sister!

Yeah, tell him, Gary!

Yeah, you better not
touch her ever again!

- Guys, I'm a little confused.
- Yeah.

You're confused about what's
gonna happen if you don't...

s-stop trying to force her to have
a back-alley abortion, you sicko!

Oh, no. Nope, not me.

No... no forced abortions here.

- I... I don't even know them.
- Oh, really...

- Steven.
- ...Steven?

After you've explored each other
from every angle

and ravaged each other
in every hole?

- Well, maybe not every hole.
- In every... single... hole.

How dare you deny
that you know her biblically,

mythically, and exponentially?

- Okay, maybe we should just...
- Shh, you stay out of this.

And you, you stay away
from her dog too.

Cringle doesn't like
your kind of "petting."

I don't care what you say.

No more trying to hide
the panda in the grotto.

No more donkey punching.

No more trying to make
the bald man cry.

You disgust me, sir.

Yeah, well...
you know what, Gary?


- Steven.
- ...Steven?

Maybe you should stop
sending her dick pics.

She doesn't want to see
your dingus, no one does.

- My dingus?
- Yeah.

Does anyone here
want to see Gary's dingus?

No one? No one!

No one wants to see your dingus.

Your dingus is unwanted.

You send your sister dick pics?

No. No, I don't.

You look familiar.
Don't you live in my building?

Me? No, I've never been
to apartment 3-C.

Stop telling people
I send my sister dick pics!

- Stop telling people I wanna bang her dog!
- Stop calling me Gary!

This is really confusing.

And let that be a lesson to you.

She's gonna keep this baby,

and we're gonna raise it
as our own.

And if I ever see you again,

my sister's finger
won't be the only thing

getting repeatedly shoved up
your ass.

Don't forget the almond milk.

That was so good!

What? Like you've never tried
to bang someone's dog before?

No frontsies!

Okay, that was fucking crazy,
and she's crazy,

and we both need to get
the fuck out of here.

You can go, I can't.

I can't afford to fail.

Neither can I.

How did we even end up here?

I don't know.
And I don't feel well.

I think I have Ebola.

Ebola. Really?

Are you bleeding out of
your ears, eyes, and anus?

I'm not bleeding
out of my ears and eyes.

I am bleeding out of my anus,
though, to be fair.

I don't think that has
anything to do with Ebola.

What if we both just leave?

- They'll have to grant one of us induction anyway, right?
- I don't know.

But if this is what it takes, I'm not even
sure if I wanna be inducted in anymore.

I can't handle
any more of these tasks.

Me either.

Okay, I'll admit that ended up
taking a few unexpected twists,

but it turned out better
than I could have ever imagined.

Your "dingus" line
is already trending.

I consider that
a job well done, boys.

I'm all done with my list.
Thank you so much for your help.

- So, all your tasks are done?
- Yeah.

That means ours almost is too.

- What?
- Nothing.

Okay, I have to go finish
getting ready,

but it's such a relief
to have everything else done.

We should celebrate.

You heard the lady,
it's time to celebrate.

For one of us.

And to think
you almost just quit, bitch!

Me? You almost just quit.

- That's not how I remember it.
- "That's not how I remember it."

Look, the tasks are done.

- It's time for one of us to finish this.
- Fine!

Then let's figure it out,
once and for all, like men.

Best of three!

Why are you so good at this?

Why are you so good at this?

Why are you so good at this?

- Fuck!
- Fuck!

- Fuck!
- Fuck!

- Fuck!
- Yes!

- Best of five!
- What?

- Yes!
- No!

One. I win!

- Best of seven!
- Ah!

- Ow!
- Yes! You suck!

I found you!

- You're it!
- Damn it!



Lick that!

You're disgusting.

Hey, so we're having
a bit of trouble

agreeing on a decision
and we need your help.

Got it. I'm thinking of a
number between one and 100.

- Go.
- Uh... 37?


And the number is...

Neither of those.

Sorry, guys.
Good luck.



- All right. Stop, stop, stop.
- What?

- Why?
- What are we even doing?

I don't know, I thought you knew
the rules to this game.

Okay, this is stupid and it's not even working.

We need to figure this out
and bring it to an end.

Well, why don't I just kill you
and take out Amber myself?

You could die trying.

Okay, look, neither of us
is that tough, okay?

- So, we might as well stop acting.
- Oh! Thank God you said that.

I was starting to feel

- Were you feeling uncomfortable?
- A little bit, yeah.

- Okay, I have an idea.
- I was thinking the same thing! Pants-off dance-off?

I like where this is headed.
I'm in.

What? No.
Suppress your junk, please.

- You sure?
- Yes!


We're gonna do this rationally.

And you know what?

No matter what happens,
despite everything,

I just wanted you to know
that I had fun today.

Of course you had fun; you
got to hang out with me all day.

- I had to fucking hang out with you.
- You're the worst.

I know.

Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.

Each one of us is gonna
give the other guy five minutes

to accomplish the mission,
and the best man wins.


You can even go first.

Thank you, I will.

But you just said you were giving
me five minutes to get it done.

Right, I did.

But I didn't say
I wouldn't try and stop you.






You will never reach the girl.

We shall see.

Your training is good,
but not good enough.

Your breath is terrible.

You failed.

You've gone soft.

That is not what your mother
said last night.

Ha ha!
That shows your ignorance.

My mother is dead,
just like you.

You are no match for me.

- You sound like an asshole.
- You sound like an asshole.

- So is your face.
- Enough!

This ends now!

Why are you smiling?

Your five minutes
must be up soon.

Oh, my five minutes ended
a while ago.

You've been on the clock for a
good two, two and a half minutes now.

Clock's ticking.




Come on!

Come on!



Are you kidding me?

What kind of psycho
hits someone with a brick?

Oh, you are such a baby.

Me? Why you gotta
throw things?

Because fuck you, that's why.

That not a very good reason.

Time in!

What the hell
are you two doing?

Leaving me out?

I wanna play.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Are you two crying?

- No!
- I'm not crying, you're crying!


Guys, this is so us.

Okay, thanks, you two.

That was really fun,

but I really have to go
finish getting ready.

See you inside.


- Fuck you.
- Fuck you!

I need this!
She's mine.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey!
- Hello.

What are you doing here?

Do you two know each other?

I don't think so.

No. Hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm here to take Amber out.

- What?
- What? Now?

And you're just gonna let him?

Well, at this point, I don't
think I really have a choice.

We've been dating
for eight months now.

He takes me out every weekend.


- He's the greatest.
- I'm the greatest.

My friends call me Fanst.

Sorry I couldn't help
with all your stuff today, babe.

Last-minute conflict,
you understand.

Oh, it's okay.

Luckily, the universe
delivered me these two angels

to help instead.

Amazing how that happens.

Two perfect helpers to help you with
your insanely long list of things to do

exactly when you needed them.

The Universe truly works
in mysterious ways.

It sure does.

It sure does.

It does?

I have to go finish
getting ready.

But thank you guys so much.

Sweetie, take care
of these boys for me, okay?

Oh, I will.

Sorry, guys,
you were this close,

but it looks like neither of you
are going to take Amber out tonight.

It's too bad.
She's a fun girl.

Great date.

As a result of this,
I regret to inform you

that the Omega House
has bids for neither of you.

Sorry. Better luck next time.

Remember, there's always
spring rush.

And there's always
other fraternities.

Hail Omega.

You can show yourselves out.

- We just got fucked, didn't we?
- Yep.

- He was dating her the whole time, wasn't he?
- Yep.

Neither of us ever had
a chance of taking her out.


You want to get some takeout?

Good move.



Do you wanna talk about it?

What is wrong with me?

- Whelan?
- Davis.

Let me just give you this
first, though, hold on a second.

Why are you so uncomfortable
with this?

Dude, just honestly,
don't get so close.

- Shit, I said the wrong one first.
- Idiot.

Is this because
I'm 1/64 racist? Wow!


- You guys would do that?
- I won't finish.

- Oh, fuck.
- Pfft!

I won't finish until...

You won't finish until you do.

I won't leave until everything I... Fuck.

- That's not how I remember it.
- "That's not how I remember..."

It's really good.
It's so awesome.

- That's not how I remember it.
- "That's not how I remember it."

- Look, the tests...
- I got it, I did it.

Let's move on. Okay.

I did it.
I didn't break.

Is that too much ass
or is that okay?

Is there ever such a thing as too much...?

Hi, we're trying to have
a bit of trouble agreeing...

having a bit of trouble," right?


I looked right at the camera.

- All right, do it again.
- Sorry.

Hey, we're having
a bit of trouble

coming to an agreement on a...
Is it... What the fuck?

I was doing this right earlier,
but I fucked it up.



That was good.

I'm doing it until I did it
better than you in the original.

Holy fucking shit!
I'm so happy I made that.

Whoa, whoa, okay, okay.


- Oh!
- Sorry!

I'm so sorry!
That was my fault.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

He gets a hug?

Oh, fuck.

The game is nut slap.

You're on.

Oh, God, delayed reaction.

Did I get your nuts?

- They were on the bowl.
- Aw.

You're such a baby.

I am not.
What the fuck is that line?

This actually feels amazing.
I should do this more often.

- It's not piss.
- It's basically piss.

You guys basically just
basically confirmed it's piss.

Can't argue with science.

- Basically.
- He's basically right.

- It's not piss.
- You basically just confirmed it's piss.

You can't argue with science.

Fucking shit!


- Ready!
- What's going on?

- And... I think your brains are frying.
- Trying so hard.

And... action.

What is happening?

That is so funny!

I got it, I got it.

- We still rolling?
- Still rolling.

And... action.

What is happening?

I can do it.

You throw a right punch

and then you grab
with your right arm.

- Okay.
- Ready, and action.

That was money.

This was a really good idea.

I know, right?
So good.

We should get
some red velvet cake.

- Motherfucker!
- Ah!