The Sympathy Card (2019) - full transcript

When Emma's cancer takes a turn for the worse, she presents her new wife Josie a deathbed order: find someone new while Emma is still around to approve of her choice.

[mellow music playing]

[people chattering]

I'm an alternate.

-I'm sorry, what? -Oh, on the soccer team.

I'm an alternate.

I signed up late so all the regular slots

were actually already taken, but they let me in anyway.

Yeah, I'm actually not that into sports

but my sister-in-law thought it might be a nice way to meet other lesbians.

'Cause it's like everybody says that lesbians are friendly

but I really don't find that to be the case, do you?

-I'm not a lesbian. -Oh.

I'm sorry, how are you on a lesbian soccer team then?

I'm not.

My kids, they're playing over there.


-Lesbians can have kids. -Oh!

Oh, yeah, I know... I, um...

I just made mine the... the old fashioned way.

Yes, with a penis.


I actually always found penises to be rather confusing

and I could never tell if that was more of my own personal taste

-or if that's maybe something-- -You know what?

I am just gonna... I'm gonna go. It was nice... I'm gonna go.

It was so nice to meet you, so...


[upbeat music playing]

-[grunts] -[whistle blows]

Oh! Come on, Emma. It's a friendly game.

She's fine. Rub some dirt on it, sweetie.

Let's go again!




-[girl 1 groans] -[whistle blows]

That one was her fault.

Do we have any alternates?

-Oh. -Come on in, hun. Now don't be shy.

Go ahead.

-Ready? -Uh, yeah.


Hi, I'm Josie. Sorry.

Stop. Ouch. Stop it.

Stop. Stop it.

-Oh. -Oh, my God! -[all gasp]

-[girl 2] Oh. -[whistle blows]

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.

You're bleed... You're bleeding.

-[Emma] No. -[Josie] Oh!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-Uh... -[all snicker]

[Emma] It's not funny.

Hey, it was so lovely meeting you.

-[Emma] Fuck off! -Okay. It's nice meeting you.



Is it broken?

Those things will kill you, you know.

Not if fucking Dyke Tyson gets to me first.

I'm sorry. This is why I don't play sports.

I just came here to meet lesbians.

You guys are lesbians, right?


[Josie] What?

-[Emma] Hey. -What?

You got a name?

Josie. Josie Bacon.

You got a car Josie Bacon?

It's that piece of shit over there.

All right. You're gonna drop me off...

get cleaned up, pick me up at seven.

Dinner's on you.

Sure. Absolutely, it's the least I can do.

And bring flowers.

Flowers, why?

You bring flowers to a first date, killer.

[mellow music playing]

I can recommend something if you like.

Yeah, that'd be really helpful.

Okay. For starters, are you going to a wedding or a funeral?


[soft music playing]

By the power vested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,

I now pronounce you wife and wife.

-Jesus! -Oh. -[both laugh]

You heard that mom, wife and wife, we are legally married.

That means you're no longer next of kin.

All my end of life decisions are now Josie's, the wake, the funeral.

I mean, you have no say whatsoever.

She wants to donate my corpse to some weirdo lesbian sex party,

there's not a thing you can do about it.

I don't want to donate her corpse to a lesbian sex party, Margaret.

But you could. You could if you wanted to.

Right. I really don't want to.

[Emma] Because she's my wife now,

if she wants to donate my vagina to dildo research...

Seriously, Emma. Come on.

They have to research the dildo somehow.

You know what? I don't think that that's how they research the dildos.

[Emma] You know what else this means?

It's not a phase, it's not a college thing,

I'm going to spend the rest of my short, cancer-ridden life

legally married to this woman.

I mean, honestly, Mom, how do you feel about this?

I'm seriously really very happy for you.

Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah, I'm sure you are.

-You happy about this? -Hmm.


-[Emma] I know. -[both moan]

How about this one? You like this? Like that?

You like this one? Huh, you like that?

Thank you so much for coming, Margaret.

It was such a nice gesture. Okay.

Emma. Okay.

[both continue moaning]

Am I done?

[Emma coughing]


It's chamomile, when you're ready.

Stupid lung cancer.

Oh, lung cancer is the stupidest.

Nobody even feels bad for me.

It's like they hear that I have cancer and like,

"Oh my God! What a tragic... Oh, it's lung cancer.

"Well, that's what you deserve Smokey Robinson."

-Did somebody actually call you Smokey Robinson? -Nope.

-Hypothetically. -Oh!

Hypothetical assholes.

I just want a little sympathy. [scoffs]

Is that so petty?

I think you're pathetic, in every way.

-Thank you, babe. -Mm-hmm.


Speaking of sympathy, I have a favor to ask you.


When I die, I want you to use the sympathy card to get laid.


I mean it.

You've been out of the game for a long time

and you're going to need the sympathy card.

I don't want to think about this.

Look, I know you,

you are going to be moping around for years and years.

You're gonna waste a perfectly good sympathy card.

If you don't use it, I'll haunt you while you're pooping.

Oh, well, lucky for me I don't believe in the afterlife.

Josie, this is important to me.



Fine, I'll use your death to manipulate women into having casual sex with me.

Okay, I don't believe you at all.

So that's what we're gonna start now while I'm still alive.

Consider it a deathbed order.

A deathbed order is not a thing.

-Yes, it is. -No, it's not.

-You just made it up. -Okay.

Consider it a deathbed request.

You're serious?

You... you want me to leave my dying wife in bed

so that I can go out and have sex with somebody else? That's crazy.





So she's giving you permission to screw around.

No, no, it's not permission. She's making me.

You have the best wife in the history of wives.

Better than me?

So much better than you. You never tell me to go have sex with other women?

No, because I'm not dying.

We're all dying, sweetheart.

[laughs] Okay, well, she can't be serious.

Oh, no, she's serious. She called it a deathbed order.

Is that a thing?

No, I don't think so, and yet, here we are.

Wow, so what are you going to do?

I don't know.

I really want Emma to be happy in our last few months,

but, my God, she's using the whole "I'm dying card"

and she's been a real dick about it.

So why does she want you to like...

-You know? -Lesbian sex looks nothing like that, sweetheart.


Because I'm really bad at meeting women

and she wants to make sure that I can still do it.

So she can die and know you won't be alone.

Best wife ever.

Seriously, best wife ever.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I know this is gonna sound really weird coming from your older brother,

but I'm totally gonna help you get laid.

Yep, so weird. So, so gross and weird.

So gross. Weird.

So, we're having some friends over tomorrow night

and we are having Katherine over, and she's beautiful and smart.

And literally the only lesbian I know.

Okay, well, just because we're both lesbians

doesn't mean we're going to be attracted to each other.

Well, I mean, everyone's attracted to Katherine.

I mean, house plants are attracted to Katherine. -[both laugh]

And I'm not saying you have to like scissor her on the coffee table.

I'm just saying like low grade flirting,

just to get your groove back.


No, it's fun. It'll be so fun. Lesbians are fun.


[mellow music playing]

[music drowns speech]

[all chattering]

What are you doing?

Oh, um, I'm taking a picture of her, um, so that Emma can see it

because she needs to approve of all the women.

Emma's kind of a control freak, huh?


Hey, so, uh, what kind of music do you think she's into?

Well, here's the novel idea. Why don't you go ask her?

Oh, yeah, she seems, um, super busy. So I... Nah!

Yeah, Tate is describing tabletop role playing games to her

so I'm pretty sure she wants to be interrupted.

Yeah, it's cool because, you know, after level 20

you actually get to fight Stalin's Ghost.

Yeah, okay.

Coming in hot.

So, what kind of music are you into, Katherine?

Uh, Salsa.

Well, well, well.




Who's that?

It's Josie, texting me about the woman she's gonna try to fuck tonight.

Why do you tell me these things?

Why do ask, Mother?


-It was so good to see you. -It's been so long.

Thank you for coming.

It was really nice to meet you, Jody.

Oh, Josie. But, yeah.

Jodie, too actually because those two

are sort of interchangeable on your name scale.

Oh, great.

-All right. Bye. -Bye-bye.

-See you soon. -All right. Have a good night.

Stay warm.

Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh, my God.

Have you ever interacted with a human being before?

Was that your first time?

Oh, my God! I'm so weird.

Okay, that was my fault.

Katherine is very intimidating for your first go.

Yeah, yeah. She's like... She's like a medieval queen.

Or like a... like a lady lawyer or something.

You just need more eccentric people.

Okay, like the girls in Tate's gaming group.

You want me to bring around my goth girls after that display?

Deathbed orders, honey.

It's disgraceful.

You know, I'm just... Don't worry.

I'll swim right out of here.

Oh, pardon me.

-Actually, this gonna take a while. -[Josie] Okay, yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, God!

Oh, Jesus!

You should sweep once in a while.

Oh, enough.

I dropped a cracker underneath that.

-Can you... -All right. -[Josie] Oh, God!

[mellow music playing]


what is your favorite animal?

I don't really have one.

Ah, that's, uh, fairly unusual.

-Is it? -Yeah.

I find that, um, most people have a favorite animal.

But you know what? I could be wrong. Maybe

you want me to ask somebody else in here?

Are you nervous?

-No. -Huh?

Maybe I am, a little bit.


But it's a first date. That makes everyone nervous, right?

But why? There's only like one of three possible outcomes

and they're... they're all non-lethal.

What are the three outcomes?

Okay, so, um... So outcome one, we fall madly in love

and end up in a long term relationship.

-See? That's terrifying. -Okay.

Um, outcome two, we are not a good relationship match,

but we are attracted to each other and go for a one-night stand.

Also terrifying.

Well, there's outcome three. Um...

We hate each other and we never see each other again.

-So like from your end... -Mm-hmm.

...what are the chances of outcome three?


Not good, killer.

Is that a leaning in smile move?

-Totally. -Yeah, I knew. It always works.

-I didn't know what the-- -I know, yeah. It's really great.

Okay, good.


Um, so it's gonna be outcome one.

Yeah, or outcome two.


You okay?

Are you having a panic attack?


You are... You are having one.

[breathing heavily]


Okay, you just have to breathe, I think.

-Um, just put... You good? -[groans]

-I'm good. -Yeah, just go slow.

-I'm good. -Oh, my... Oh!

-Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. -Oh, my God!

-[Josie] Um...I'm so sorry. -[Emma] Oh, my God.

-I'm so sorry. -[groaning]

-[Josie] I'm so sorry. -[Emma] You're so fucked up.

-I'm so sorry. -Um.

-Your whole nose probably just went into your face. -[Emma] I'm very sorry.

I'm so sorry. Oh, my God!

Is there like a nurse or somebody on staff here?

Are any of you a nurse? There's so many women here.

Or a doctor. I'm sorry. I'm so sexist.

I'm so sexist. If there's a doctor that would also be so helpful.

I'm gonna be fine. I'm actually just gonna...

Maybe I'm actually just gonna to sit on the floor for a little bit.

It's just gonna be fine.

Oh, it's fine. We're good. Just the check or...

Is she here? No, that's okay.

-This is our island of misfits. -Hm, I can relate.


Can't we all?

What flowers should I buy if I'm trying to impress goth girls?

You are my favorite customer.

Have I ever told you that?

[mellow music playing]

-Are you going to embarrass me? -Well, yeah, probably.

Just take the game seriously.

If they think that you're mocking them, they're going to tear you apart.

Why would they think that I'm mocking them?

Because you brought a cactus.

I was told by a professional that goth girls like succulents.

A professional what?

Just stand your ground and don't let them fuck with you, okay?

Don't let them fuck with me. Got it?

-Okay. -Yeah.

Okay, so 14 plus two modifier

for enchanted broadsword does seven plus four.

So 11 damage.

Why'd you bring the cactus?


Cool. Prickly.

Great role, Josie, what do wanna do?

Um, I guess I'll take another swing at Stalin's ghost.


Sorry, should I not do that?

I mean, it's totally fine if your goal was to have your entire party die.

Is that your goal?


Okay, I guess I will, um, go ahead

and attack the demon that's sucking on Greg.

-Gracias. -[Josie] Yeah.

Okay. Tate, you're up.

I'm gonna summon the fleet of flying U-boats from the battle dimension.

I have three Double Armor spells I'm gonna apply to each winged samurai.

You know what? I'm sorry. I want a do over.

I don't want to attack Greg's demon. I want to attack Greg.

You want to attack a member of your own party?

-[Josie] Mm-hmm. -Yeah, no, you can't actually--

I will shove this succulent up your ass.

Don't fuck with me, Greg.

Don't fuck with me.

Tate, I think that now would be a great time to revisit the guest policy.

So I'm not that great at reading situations.

That's not a strength of yours. No.



Well, you can't say I didn't give it a sincere effort.

It is not a sincere effort when your wingman is your useless brother.

Hey, Tate is weirdly good with women, given how objectively gross he is.

-You are not taking this seriously. -I am.

I've just reached the ceiling on my ability to get laid.

I'm really bad at it, always been really bad at it.

And, you know, deathbed order or not, I'm gonna continue to be really bad at it.

Yeah, you definitely need some help.

Uh, so I'm calling in the Amazons.

What? No, I don't want to go out with Amazons.

I've already called them and you're going to a party with them tomorrow night.

Tomorrow? But that's our cuddling and Thai food night.

Well, I'm cutting off all cuddling and Thai food

until your mission is accomplished.

You can't withhold cuddling and Thai food, that's my lifeblood.

-No. -We get to cuddle and spoon.

-Get off of me. -No.

You need a little bit of motivation. Okay?

Go get laid once

and then we will be spooning in a vat of noodles and peanut sauce.


The Amazons terrify me.


You and Emma are literally the last couple we know still doing monogamy.

Nobody does it anymore. It's very '90s.

Things have gotten a lot easier since you were last single.

Yeah, free love is back and ladies are in charge of their own orgasms.

Well, that's not entirely true.

Katrina and I are in charge of every orgasm within a 100-foot radius.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Show me What's best in the world ♪

♪ And I'll show you What's best in my heart ♪

Wow, I feel very underdressed.

Hey, everybody. This is Josie.

Her wife sent her out tonight to get laid.


Volunteers, line starts here.

[all cheer]

♪ We've got it all Across two wide worlds ♪

[mellow music playing]

[women laughing]

[chuckles] Definitely not going to eat that guacamole.


[both laugh]


-[Alex] Yeah, it's pretty cool. -[Josie] Yeah.

[Alex] I got it at an anime con in New York.

It's a one of a kind, Kristen Porter drew it herself.

-Kristen Porter was there? -Well, no.

Um, no, she wasn't physically there but the guy...

The guy said it was an original and, um...

Well, you know, he had a certificate and a nice... a nice booth so...

Well, somebody in a booth would never lie.

Yeah, my brother actually introduced me to Warrior Lab when we were in high school.

I wasn't that into anime at the time but he loved her exciting--

Can I kiss you?


I'm asking your consent to kiss you.

I'm sorry if I'm being a little bit too forward

I just don't really like to waste time.


Yeah. Uh, yeah, I guess.

Look, I'm not really into the whole exhibitionist thing.

I live close by we can fuck in my place, okay?

Yeah, I would be...


That would go swimmingly.

Okay, cool. Well, let me just go grab my stuff and say goodbye to Helena.

Don't go anywhere, okay?

Oh, shit!

[indistinct chatter]

I know but...

Are you taking fucking pictures?

Uh, no.

Alex, did you agree to a photoshoot?

-Do you know this person? -I... I just met her.

What the fuck are you doing taking pictures?

This is a safe space.

I actually wasn't doing anything weird.

Um, I was just taking photos so that my wife would know who I was having sex with.

How did you get in here?

Came with the Amazons, Katrina and Cherub.

-Well, you've got to get out. -Fine. I was just leaving. We... we were just leaving.


Sorry I didn't know the orgy etiquette.

So you think this is an orgy now?

Uh, Katrina, Cherub?

What's wrong?

Did Little Miss Candid Camera come with you?

Oh, come on. Seriously, Josie? This is a safe space.

Fine. I'll leave your safe space.

Sorry that I'm invading your safety with my un-safeness.

Just, you know what? Just have a great safe night.

Your safety net thing.

[door closes]

She's a little...

I'd say she's a lot.

♪ My darling, love you forever ♪

♪ Stop, this is disaster ♪

♪ This is breakdown way ♪

♪ You want to drive faster But you can't ♪

This... I'm up there.

So you're going to come inside with me and drink away the excruciating pain.

This is...



-Nothing. -No, it's something.

You just got like... You have a real sad-y face on right now.

Okay, it's just... just...

-You're choosing outcome two. -What do you mean?

Yeah, you want me to come upstairs and have a one-night stand?

-That's outcome two. -I did not say that. I did not say that.

But like, I mean, would coming upstairs be a bad thing?

No, it would...

It would be nice. It's just I was kind of hoping for...

Outcome one.

Okay, then. Um, so you make it happen.

I... I don't... I don't know how to do that.

You say something like, "Can I get a raincheck on that drink?"

Oh, yeah. No, I don't... I... I actually really don't talk like that.

And also, you know, what is a raincheck?

Is it like an actual check? I've never really--

No, you just use your own words and you just make an excuse.

-Right. -Okay. -Okay.

Can I get a raincheck on that drink?

Very normal.

Um... And then, uh, well, you have to initiate a good night kiss.

And if you're hoping for outcome one,

it's going to be like a really good kiss.

Okay, like... Like a good, sexy goodnight kiss.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, not too sexy

because like you have to leave me wanting more.

-Okay. -Okay, great.

-Here goes... -It does.





Am I really initiating if you're telling me to initiate?

Josie, I really need that drink.

-My nose is fucking killing me. -Okay. I'm so sorry. Okay.

-Okay? -Okay.

-Great. -Ready?


♪ Is it everything? ♪

♪ Isn't it everything? ♪

♪ Isn't it everything? ♪

♪ Is it everything? ♪

Outcome one, huh?

-Okay, outcome one. -Okay.

-Okay. -Okay. Outcome one.

Okay. Bye.

♪ Yes you may ♪

♪ The risk is everything ♪

Sit down because I'm gonna yell at you.

You can't yell at me, I have cancer.

-Stop making cancer rules. -I'm not.

Obviously you don't yell at somebody with cancer.

-That's just good manners, baby. -Sit down, Emma.

Ooh, it's serious.

Okay, I officially veto your deathbed order.

You're clearly not of sound mind as evidenced by the fact

that you're sending your wife out every night to make love to other women.

Make love? Is that... Is that what you say to them?

I don't know. Is that wrong? I'm... I'm really bad at this.

So, we need to get you back up on that horse.

I don't want to get back up on that horse.

I want to spend my nights with you

not out with the Amazons or making out with some girl.

Did you make out with some girl at that party?

No, it was... We didn't make out.

We just... Just like kissed a little.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, way to bury the lead.

Who is she?

Just some really forward girl named Alex who was into anime.

You found another lesbian who's into anime, that is amazing.

-Was she cute? -Yes, she's cute, but you're... You're missing the point.

I don't want to make out with her. I want to make out with you.

Well, I'm literally home coughing up a lung.



I don't know how many nights we have left.

I... I want to be here for all of them.

Honestly, it would be better if you weren't.

What do you mean?

Your emotions bum me out?

My emotions bum you out.

I'm sorry if I'm sad that my wife has cancer.

Okay, it's expected that you'd be sad.

But do you have to be so unrestrained about it?

You're just... You're like... Bluh, you're everywhere.

Your emotions are all over the place.

Cancer or not you're being a real asshole right now.

I don't have time to dick around, okay?

This sympathy card plan is a win-win.

You get your practice in and I get you out of my proverbial hair.

If you didn't want me around why did you marry me?

-That is not-- -No, you know what?

Don't answer that.

My display of emotion may bum you out.

[mellow music playing]

-Okay, ready? -Yeah.

-One, two... -Look, just surprise me.


Here comes the surprise right now.

-Oh, my God! -Oh, my God!


Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. I'm so, so...

[both laugh]

-How does it look? -Um...

-Yeah, it looks ugly, really ugly. -[gasps]

No, I think it looks beautiful and elegant.

Um, yeah, no, it's huge

and I think the satellites can see them from space.

Oh, my God!

I think you should kiss it and make it better.

Oh! Yeah. I don't want to kiss your huge...

-Yes, you do. -...ugly honker.

-Yes, you do. -Why? Why?

Because I told you to.

And you like being told what to do?

And you like being told what to do, right?

I'm gonna tell you what to do and you're gonna do it, all right?

Kiss my nose.


Kiss my super sternal notch.

I don't know what that is.

Did I tell you you could talk?




[both breathing heavily]

Oh, my God!

Take your pants off.

You don't come until I tell you.

-Do you understand me? -Yes.

-You understand me? -Oh, my God. Yes.

Not yet.

Wait. Wait.



[both breathing heavily]

Was I weird?

What do you mean?

Like in the bathroom...

that I liked all that stuff.

Was I weird?

No, I thought it was hot.

I feel weird like I'm wired wrong.

Your wiring is top notch.

[both laugh]

I just... I mean...

I guess I always knew that I was into... You know.


But I... I just never really...

I guess I always just sort of thought something in me was kind of broken.

Whoever said you were broken is fucking wrong.

There is not a thing broken about you.

I guess I sort of just wish...

That you could get off on being dominated without shame spiraling?

[both laugh]

Yeah. How do we do that?

I feel like lots and lots of practice.

-Practice. -Yeah. Mm-hmm.


[both laugh]

Oh, my God! You're terrible.

Just practicing.


Oh, I just discovered something really great.


I need flowers that make somebody with cancer forgive you for yelling at them.

I need some coffee.

Do you want to get coffee?

Let's get coffee.

[Josie] Yeah, I guess she got really into the idea of me

finding somebody else because I was so bad when I first met her.

I don't use the sympathy card to get laid then she'll just keep pushing until I do.

I'm pretty good but I don't know if I have a flower arrangement for that.

Hm. I'm sorry, I sort of just unloaded this all on you.

Well, it's fine.

My days are usually a lot more boring than this.


I used to have boring days. I miss being bored.

I can be boring.

You want to have a boring conversation?

Oh, my God! I would love that.

One boring conversation coming up.



I'm thinking of replacing the metering device

on one of the refrigerators at the shop.

I don't know what a metering device is.

-Would you like me to tell you? -Oh, my God, more than anything.

The four basic components of refrigeration

are the metering device, the condenser, the compressor and the evaporator.

Okay, tell me in detail about every single one of them.

Counter intuitively the key to good refrigeration

is actually the heat transfer rates.

That is the most boring thing I've ever heard. Please continue.

All right, it's like the heat goes out, the cold comes in, you know what I'm saying?

-Just like wild. -Yeah, keep going. I'm numbed.

You know, anytime I get a little nervous, something like that,

I just think about me and my refrigerators.

[both speaking indistinctly]

So then she said my answer didn't count

because the real state of Puffed Marshmallow Man was actually Marshmallow sized.

What do you mean? It was like 30 stories tall.

The one that attacked them was a representation of the one in Ray's imagination.

The real one...

-Is a cartoon marshmallow. -And presumably very small.

So, uh, she didn't give me the points and we lost the game.

[both chuckle]

All right, I gotta open up.

Thanks for this.

Thank you. It was fun blowing off work.

Yeah, don't tell my boss. I'm on paid leave to take care of my sick wife.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What am I gonna do? Oh, Jesus!

Can we go back to talking about the marshmallow man?


Here, give me your phone.

Give me your phone.

-Okay, now make the duck face. -The duck face?

You know, the duck face.

Are you sending that to Emma?

You said she wouldn't let up.

Let her chew on that for a while.

Good luck.

[cellphone vibrates]

This is my life. Yeah, that's fine.

I'm not freaking out.

-Jesus! -Sorry.

What are you, a ninja?

Uh, hey, so what flowers do you want to bring to dinner with me and my wife...


[both laugh]

Yeah, because of the picture.

-Oh, yeah, consequences... -Yeah. -...of our actions.


So, I understand you're interested in fucking my wife?

Very interested.


I'm sorry, why am I here for this?

It's Sunday dinner, Mom. It's family time.

Oh, for Christ's sakes!

How long have you been working at the flower shop?

I own it, actually.

Pretty risky time for a small business owner, wouldn't you say?

I supplement my income by selling meth out the back.

[chuckles weakly]

Yeah, she's... She's joking.

You're joking, right?


You're in.

We're going to clear out. You can use my mother's bed if you want.

Let's go, Mom.

What, we're not even going to eat?

That's it?

What do you mean?

-You just say you're in and we're done? -What do you want me to say?


I don't understand.

First you micromanage and now you're being all cavalier about it.

We got to get this deal done.

Beggars can't be choosers, Jose.

Beggars can't...


Just wow!

Aren't you gonna go after her?

I can't. I'm dying.


It's not gonna work.

They're a good match.

No, I mean your plan.

Hating you isn't going to make it any easier for her after you're gone.

Do you have a destination in mind?

God! She's such an asshole.

Yeah, she is intense.

I'm going into shock.

[breathing heavily]

-[Siobhan] You know what used to help me feel better? -Uh, what's that?

When I was a kid, I'd stick my Barbie into a cup of fruit punch

and then stick that in the freezer.

And when I'd pull it out a couple hours later, I'd have like a Barbie popsicle.

I'd just lick and lick, and lick until I got to Barbie.

It's amazing that my parents didn't see the whole lesbian thing coming actually.


How... how was that helpful?

Yeah, I realized midway through the story how unhelpful it was.

Do you see a Barbie or freezer anywhere?

-[Siobhan] Mm-hmm. -Oh, my God!

[both laugh]

How many days in a row did you wear that?

-Seventeen. -And nobody said anything?

People always put service workers in the background.

They hardly notice who serves their coffee or gives them their flowers.


Sounds pretty appealing to me actually.

I'd love to fade into the background.

I'm sorry about tonight.

I inserted myself and caused more problems.

-It's a bad habit of mine. -No, you were trying to help.

-I failed tragically, obviously. -No.

You're helping. This...

This this is helping.

I wish I could help more.

Yeah, or you could tell me what to do.

Pour yourself another glass of wine.

Down that bitch.

Go again.

Stop, stop.

Put the glass down.

Stand up.

Twirl around.

Did I say you could look at me?

Get on your hands and knees.

Crawl to me.

Now look at me.

Take these off me.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Just tell me what to do.

Make me come.

♪ Realize I care I care ♪

♪ Call me Oh, your dirty little secret ♪

-♪ Name a time ♪ -♪ Name a time ♪


-♪ Break it down ♪ -♪ Break it down ♪

-♪ Break it down ♪ -♪ Before you break it ♪

♪ Better still ♪

♪ Remind me why I'm here ♪

- ♪ Call me ♪ -♪ Your dirty little secret ♪

♪ Dirty little secret ♪

-♪ Name a time ♪ -♪ Name a time ♪

-I feel like such a heel. -Why?

Last night, I took advantage of you.

My wife ordered me to do you, so your conscience should be clear.


I just don't want to get in the middle of drama.

-Yeah, you do. You totally do. -[laughs]

Yeah, okay.

Emma orchestrated the whole thing.

I would have never let last night happen

if I wouldn't have been so pissed at her.


I can't... I can't even get laid without her help.

I'm very sleazy.

[chuckles softly]

I would have gotten into your pants eventually.

No one can resist a florist.

Mm. Mm-hmm.


I don't know what I'm doing.

-I need to get better at this. -You seem pretty good at it.

I mean, at dating.

Are you asking me on a date?

I... I mean, I...

I don't... I don't know. What would you say if I did?

There's only one way to find out.


Oh, you want me to actually...

Yeah, okay. Um...

Would... would you care to go on a date with me?




Yeah, okay, okay.

[both chuckle]

Okay. Cool.

So what... what do we... What do we do now?

You could go down on me again?

You got it.

It was just a suggestion but...

[both chuckle]

I'm glad you're so enthusiastic.

[mellow music]

So, sorry.

[mouths] Sorry.

Okay, so what do we need to do?

There are no real changes, 100% of all assets still go to you.

Do you have a health care proxy in case you become incapacitated?

Um... Yeah, it's Emma.

You backed the wrong horse for that one, huh?

Is there someone else you could name?

-Um, probably my brother, Tate. -Nope.

He's a full grown Muppet. Veto.

Jeanie, does she get a veto?

It's my will, I veto if I want to veto?

Okay. Um...

So Juliana, she's my sister-in-law.

Uh, she married the Muppet. She's a Muppet-in-law.

We can't trust her judgment on anything.

Jeannie, write down the name Siobhan Knighten.

I have no idea how to spell her first or her last name.

Are you insane? You want me to put her in your will?

You're terrible with money. She's a very responsible small business owner.

I just met her. I haven't even gone on a date with her yet.

-Slept with her. -No, I didn't...

-She made me. Ask Margaret. -Leave me out of this.

Of course, I made you. I have fucking cancer.

I need to make sure that you're taken care of, baby.

Are you... Are you planning on going on a date with her?

I'm married to you. I want to go on a date with you.

Time for dates is over killer.

Okay, we're past dates.

When are you seeing her again?


-Are you nervous? -No.


I lied. I am nervous.


[mellow music playing]

♪ For all those lonely nights ♪

♪ The feeling is so great ♪

♪ You're like the folk in... ♪

We're here.


You're through the hard part already.

She knows you and she likes you.

She probably thinks I'm a weirdo.

You are a weirdo.

Very loveable weirdo.

Except when I'm collapsing in a puddle of anxiety on the floor.

What topics should I ask her about?

Don't go with any topics.

If there's silence, just sit comfortably in the silence.

In fact, don't even talk first.

-I should have some backup questions. -Hmm.

Like, what her favorite holiday is?

That'll kill some time.

She has already gone through so much shit for you.

She's still here, so she obviously knows how special you are.

[Emma moans]

[Josie sighs]

Wish me luck.

You don't need luck.

You're a force of nature, Killer.



Where to, ma'am?


Can you just drive around until I fall asleep?

[soft music playing]

-You look nice. -Oh, thanks. You too.

That sweater really flatters your figure.

Thank you.

So what's your favorite holiday?


Martin Luther King Day.

Interesting. Why?

Because fuck racism.

Totally. Racism is the worst.

It's good that we see eye to eye on racism.



-How about you? -How about me, what?

-What's your favorite holiday? -Oh, Halloween? Definitely.

-It's coming up. -Yeah, I'm excited.

I like wearing...


You like wearing things?

Sorry. You know when, um, you can't think of a really obvious word. Um...

It's the... it's the Halloween thing that you wear.

-A costume? -No, for your... for your face.

-The costume for your face. -A mask?

Mask! That's it!

Oh, my God! I can't believe I didn't remember the word mask.

Must have heatstroke or something.

Are you hot?

No, just like generalized heatstroke.

Oh, my God!

Should not be this nervous on a first date with someone you already slept with.

I think the whole dinner date thing is a bit too formal.

-It's too much pressure. -Yeah.

I'm feeling an unwieldy amount of pressure right now.

Let's get out of here and do something more relaxing.

I got an idea.

Lead the way.

[Josie chuckles]

[Josie] Hey, can I ask you something?

Is your favorite holiday really Martin Luther King Day?

No. I love racism.

I didn't want to say anything but me too.

-Racism is like just the best. -Yeah.

[both laugh]

Well, well, well. Look who it is.

Hi, Tom. Mora.

You hear that, honey? She remembers our names.

-[Mora] Come on, sweetie. -No, I find it heartwarming.

How have you been?

And did you see that, honey?

She's actually mastered the mimicry of human emotion.

It's almost like she gives a shit.

Take a lap, sweetie.

Take a lap.

-Can't with you. -Take a lap.

Is he okay?

He's just hurt.

I'm sorry. Tell him, I'm sorry.

You really shouldn't have come here.

You knew this is our place.

I didn't know this is your special place.

You think because we're poly, we don't have feelings.

I never said that.

You think you could just disappear from our lives without a goodbye?

I'm taking a lap.

I swear, I don't remember coming here with them.

Hey, you know, they probably just mistook you for someone else

that broke their heart, who was also into hot tubbing.

We were in a full-fledged relationship and I just ghosted.

Ghosted, what is that?

I just left without saying a word.

You know, you... You were probably really young.

It was like nine months ago.

Well, you know, people can mature a lot in nine months.

It's, you know, it's like a full baby from what I understand.

[both chuckle]

It just got intense, you know.

Two people looking at you like the answer to their relationship problems.

I usually only make it a habit of disappointing one person at a time.

I find it hard to believe that you would ever disappoint anyone.

I know I make a decent first impression, but...

I'm toting compartments full of baggage.


my dying wife got me laid, so...

[mellow music playing]


Let's just do this forever.


I know, right?

Screw my life as a small business owner.


Yeah, shouldn't you be open by now?

Hmm. Mm-mm.

I open late on Mondays.

Today is Monday? Shit!

-What's wrong? -Um, I'm a terrible person.

What a terrible person I am! How did you get here?

-I took a Lyft. -You have a compromised immune system.

You shouldn't be taking rideshares.

It's a perfectly clean car.

Oh, hi, Josie. Were you not in here before or am I losing my mind?

-I was just late. Sorry. -Okay, good.

Well, I'm glad you're here.

I've got some, uh, interesting news.

Take a look at that.

-That was your tumor three months ago. -Yeah.

That's your tumor now.

-Um, it's... -It's smaller.

But that's not possible.

Tumors don't shrink, they grow.

-Sometimes they shrink. -Okay, but mine's not.

-Mine is growing. -[scoffs]

-What does this mean? -It's too early to tell now.

Could be a temporary anomaly or could be a trend.

Time will tell.

Time, I thought that's what we don't have.


Maybe not.

[Josie gasps]

Don't make a big deal about this, okay.

It's nothing. [chuckles weakly]

-What do you mean it's nothing? -You heard her.

Yeah, I heard her. She said trend.

She also said anomaly.

-She also said maybe not. -Okay, Jesus!

The point is nothing has changed and I just I don't want you getting excited about it.

How can I not get excited? You might be going into--

Do not say the R word.

I will. I'll say it. Remission.

Remission. Remission.

I am not going into remission. I can feel it.

You can feel it?

What are you, an X-man?

Is that a nerd reference? 'Cause you know I don't get nerd references.

Look, nothing in this plan has changed.

We move forward with the plan.

-How was your date? -My date?

My date doesn't matter.

How can you ignore the possibility that you might be getting better?

Because I'm not.

It's not part of the plan.

You... You have problems.

I know, cancer.

No, like other mental problems.

Why is it so hard for you to believe that everything might just be okay?

Mom, what are you doing in oncology?


[mellow music playing]

[on voicemail] Hi, you've reached Josie.

Yeah, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I get a chance.

Thanks. Bye.

You're coughing less.

I only counted three coughs all day.

Are you counting coughs now?

Just in case the doctor asks.

Mm-hmm. [chuckles]



You can get that.

I'm good.

Josie, do you want a shot at happiness or do you want to stay here nursing a ghost?

You make me happy.

Thank you.


But so does she.

Even if my tumor is shrinking, we have no idea what that means.

It could buy us maybe six months or a year?

How much of your future do you want to trade in for a little extra time counting my coughs?


tell me what to do.

I'll do it.

I don't have the energy this time.

I'm sorry, Killer.


[mellow music playing]

-Hmm. -Hi, cutie.


-Mm-mm. Looks good. -Mm-hmm.

Okay, Killer. We got to talk about the flowers.

-What do you mean? -Look!

Yeah, okay, I should throw some of those out.

Yeah, it's not just about throwing them out, okay?

You need to stop bringing me flowers.

But it's date night. You...

You bring flowers on date night.

I know and you are so cute.

But the time for flowers is over.


Um, I don't know. That's just how it goes.

-Just how it goes? -Yeah, it's just... It's the way that it is.

Well, how come everybody knows the way that it is except for me?

Does everyone have like a book of appropriateness and I just didn't get sent my copy?

-Babe... -No, I'm sick of it.

I don't want the time for flowers to end. It's fucking sad.

It is fucking sad, but, um,

the time for flowers ending makes way for new times.

Like sharing each other's toothbrush

and farting in front of each other, bad morning breath.

Those are gross times.

Those aren't better than flower times.

But the good thing about those times is they don't end.

-They don't? -Mm-mm.

Come, come here.

No, those gross times go on forever.

Like, for the rest of our lives forever.

-[laughs] -Okay.


I'm sorry.

You got to get the cough checked out.

I'm fine. I'm allergic to flowers.


Oh, yeah. Okay, now you're telling me?

Mm-hmm. Go get washed. Need any help with this?

No, don't touch what I'm cutting.

[mellow music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

And, you know, it came as such a surprise to everyone.

Yeah, and us too.

This structure, it seems kind of strange.

Just stop squirming so much. You're drawing a lot of attention.

Am I squirming? Sorry.

I want you to serve Memphis barbecue at my funeral.

You want me to serve it? On what planet do I outlive you?

Oh, I definitely die first.

Have you seen what I've eaten today?

You're hardy? I have like a devil-may-care lifestyle.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You're such a wild woman. Yeah.

She fell asleep knitting last night.

That's just because I was recovering from my crystal meth bender the night before.


[whispers] Hey, sorry. Sorry for your loss.

You suck.

[whispering] Stop laughing like a crazy person.

-Okay, bye. -Bye.

-Sorry for your loss. -Thanks.

How's Emma doing?

She's all right. She's pretty good at this type of situation.

Do you want something to eat?

No, I should probably head out. I'll see you around.

-You'll see me around. Did I do something wrong? -No.

I just burst in and made your life way more complicated.

It was selfish.

I just really liked you.

-Liked me, as in past tense? -No, I still like you but...

don't you think things would be a lot simpler for you without me?

I mean, simpler isn't always better.

When Emma started this whole sympathy card thing,

she was trying to control me but it's my choice.

Josie, you can't choose me over your dying wife.

I'm not.

I choose her too.

I'm choosing not to choose. Not choosing is my choice.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Did I ask your opinion?


Then shut up and kiss me.

Are you trying to be more assertive because you think--

You like that?

That was great.

No, seriously. Did you like that?

Because usually I'm on the more submissive end of the spectrum and I just am not sure--

Should probably get back in there.

Yeah, it's probably bad form to be making out with another woman

at your mother-in-law's funeral.



Oh, hey. Uh...

Saturday's Halloween.

-Your favorite holiday. -[chuckles]

See, I listen when you talk.

Um, my brother's having a party, super low key,

just handing out candy to neighborhood kids, drinking beer.

Don't get those two mixed up.

Oh, yeah. Thank you so much. I'll write that on my hand.

You'll get to hang out with Tate and Juliana. They're pretty awesome.

That sounds great.

Okay. I'll text you the details.

[indistinct chatter]

What are you doing?


So who was that? there for you... -Yeah, she... Yeah, she was that way.

Just always sort of like this huge presence.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Moving boxes one by one ♪

♪ Pack them up Until they're done ♪

♪ If we stay ♪

♪ We might waste away ♪

♪ Patching walls And pushing broom ♪

♪ Dusty floors And empty rooms ♪

♪ Where we can hide ♪

♪ We can go outside And come back home ♪

♪ Wait for a version Of your fate ♪

♪ That you make ♪

[Tate] Like, it's like fire or something like that.

I love that and this is amazing.

-Yeah, yeah. You look dope. -What about, you know...

-Yes. Do you recognize us? -Yeah, do you know who we are?

-You do? Do you? -Of course, I do.



-I was gonna say, actually I like your eye shadow. -Thank you.


It's amazing. It was a surprise. I had no idea.

Thanks, Jose.

-Oh, uh, Katherine, you remember my sister Josie? -Of course.

Oh, it's nice to see you again.

Katherine was just showing us her engagement ring.

Oh, yeah.

Wow, that is total commitment to the costume.

Oh, no. It's a real ring. I'm really engaged.

Not to Frankenstein. To a person.


[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

[all chuckle]

-And they... Here they go, to the door. -I guess so.

-Hey. -Trick or treat.

Oh, do you guys look great.

-You have a popular house. -I do have the popular house.

Thank you for saying that. That makes me feel much better.

All right. Bye.

[laughs] and...

Flowers? Wow.

-She makes great patterns. -Yeah. Yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

-Oh, really, really, really? Invisible? -[doorbell rings]

-[man] Yeah, basically. -[Tate] Wow.

-Trick or treat? -Yeah, okay. I can do that.

There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go.

-Happy Halloween, you guys. -Thank you.

You're welcome. Happy Halloween.

-[boy] Bye! -Bye.

I think the trick or treaters are done, honey.



-You all right? -Yeah, I'm fine.

Your little girlfriend sucks.

-Tate! -What?

I'm entitled to my opinion. I give that asshole two thumbs down.

Okay, I don't think Josie wants to hear it and you can't give two thumbs down.

What are you talking about? Of course, I can. I'm Gene fucking Siskel.

We're part of a duo. We each get one thumbs down equaling two thumbs down,

otherwise it would be four thumbs down.

My marriage is a sham. Would you get me out of here, please?

I beg you.


-[Tate] You want to crash on the couch? -No, I should get home.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm the superhero, right?

Damn right, you are. Come here.

[mellow music playing]

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I chase you out On that palomino ♪

♪ Haunted by the desert sky ♪

♪ At your heels The dust can... ♪


How was the party?

♪ I heard you singing In distant places ♪

Come here.

♪ With words That filled the night ♪

♪ Your eyes jump off The empty pages ♪

♪ Like coffee colored wine ♪

♪ And I'm ♪

♪ Gonna keep you a mystery ♪

♪ And I'm ♪

♪ Gonna keep you a mystery ♪

♪ I held you close With arms so weary ♪

♪ I lost you when I've tried ♪

♪ To pull you out Of a perfect moment ♪

♪ Like I could make you mine ♪

♪ I seen you dancing with men They're helpless ♪

♪ But know you more than I ♪

♪ Behind your eyes There's a plane that's landed ♪

♪ While the people still fly ♪

♪ And I'm ♪

♪ Gonna keep you a mystery ♪

♪ And I'm ♪


Oh, my God! How is she taking this long?

-It seems longer than usual. -Right?

Like, I feel like she does not usually take this long.

Hey, you know what?

Dr. Wells is probably just taking like a super quick nap.

Yeah, yeah, she's a very busy woman,

so she's probably just like, scheduled a high colonic...

-Yeah. -...between patients.

Yeah. She probably like grabbed your test results

and then she just snuck in for a quick mani-pedi.

She's probably baking like a very fast souffle.

-Yeah, yeah, that's right. -Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I hear footsteps.

Here we go.

[mellow music playing]

♪ Can you feel it building up ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ From the bottom to the top ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Well, you know what it's not ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And I hope it never stops Yeah ♪

♪ I didn't think That you existed ♪

♪ Yeah, I was sure, I was sure That I would miss this ♪

♪ But there you are ♪

♪ You said to me And there you are ♪

♪ You said to me ♪

♪ I can see you Reaching for me ♪

♪ Bracing with electricity ♪

♪ Something happens When we touch ♪

♪ Now the floor's On the ceiling ♪

♪ It's a love rush Things are glowing like neon ♪

♪ Something happens When we touch ♪

♪ Yeah, it's a love rush ♪

♪ Something happens When we touch ♪

♪ Now the floor's On the ceiling ♪

♪ It's a love rush ♪

♪ Supernatural feeling ♪

♪ Something happens When we touch ♪

♪ Yeah, it's a love rush It's a love rush ♪

♪ Did I surprise you With my hot hand ♪

♪ Heard you were looking to be Grounded just like I am ♪

♪ Well, there you are ♪

♪ You said to me And there you are ♪

♪ You said to me ♪

♪ I can see you Reaching for me ♪

♪ Bracing with electricity ♪

♪ Something happens When we touch ♪

♪ Now the floor's on the ceiling It's a love rush ♪

♪ Things are glowing like neon ♪

♪ Something happens When we touch ♪

♪ Yeah, it's a love rush ♪

♪ Something happens When we touch ♪

♪ Now the floor's on the ceiling It's a love rush ♪

♪ Supernatural feeling ♪

♪ Something happens When we touch ♪

♪ Yeah, it's a love rush ♪

♪ It's a love rush ♪

♪ It's a love rush It's a love rush ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ It's a love rush It's a love rush ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Something happens When we touch ♪

♪ Now the floor's on the ceiling It's a love rush ♪

♪ Things are glowing like neon ♪

♪ Something happens When we touch ♪

♪ Yeah, it's a love rush ♪

♪ Something happens When we touch ♪

♪ Now the floor's On the ceiling ♪

♪ It's a love rush Supernatural feeling ♪

♪ Something happens When we touch ♪

♪ Yeah, it's a love rush ♪

[woman] [inaudible] Take four, pick up.

So why does she want you to like...


So why does she want you to like...

So why does she want you to like...

So why does she want you to like...


So why does she want you to like...

So why does she want you to like...

Why does she want you to like...

You know what I mean?

Like that, right?

Like that.

Like, why does she want you to like...

No? I don't know.

-All right. That's all I have. -[all laugh]