The Swingin' Pussycats (1969) - full transcript

(fanfare music)

- Hold it, one tiny little moment please.

Before the film begins

I'm going to give you a very short lesson.

First your imagination
or if I may say it sex.

And sex is all in our imaginations.

It's our purpose here to have fun,

only after it's over,

I'm sure you'll be oh so good at imagining

and just exactly like us, awfully naughty,

but oh dear, a perfect weekend host.



Yes, everything's all nicely filmed.

All about my sisters fancy friends

who simply never sleep at all.

They're very charming, very experienced

but find a bed and before
a girl can say yes,

somebody is sure to move in next to her.

Sorry, I'm forgetting
to give you my lesson.

If you watch closely you'll
see how everything's done

and you can specialize.

I say what's the point in
sex if you can't enjoy it.

Happiness is where you find it.

If you find this shocking,
you better find it out now,

because this show is all
pussycats, naughty and nice,

and you'll be seeing,



well if I tell that I'd blush a little.

This film shows modern youth
but the way it is dick.

For fun today we do what
would have been shocking

in our parents time.

There's no sense preaching either.

Kids today all expect some sex.

Okay, so I'm a pussycat you must face it.

As far as I'm concerned
you're for so few years

and you should enjoy it.

And before it's too late

you've just got to make it and be free.

You can't stop friendly fun.

Don't get an idealistic hang
up because then you've had it.

Forget the old tired air, it
belongs in the Dark Ages, okay?

And besides sex is better
for you than anything

and not fattening at all.

'Fraidy cat?

Then don't be.

The show starts in just a few seconds,

because this is it.

Prepare for countdown.

20, 19, 18,

17, 16, 15,

14, 13, 12,

11, 10, nine,

eight, seven, six,

five, four, three,

two, one.

Blast off.

Well this is it and it's time now

for this lesson of mine to be ended.

I'll be busy in a second,

I can't say if I'll be
a good little pussycat.

What more can I say?

Have lots of fun with
the film, just as we did,

as the old saying has it

"the only thing a girl knows
is don't look for lessons."

And it's for the show baby,

it's got to be good.

(cheerful music)

(cheerful music)

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
Yes how well I remember

that beautiful mansion

with it's private park and nearby river.

Philander Manor, on the Sly.

I was engaged as violin
master to the luscious,

the daughters of the Baroness.

I fiddled around quite a lot.

(classical violin music)

(moaning)

- Sybille.

You're fantastic my dove, my darling.

- But Senor Philoni, have you
my permission to say that?

- Oh but my dear,

we just spent an unforgettable
session together.

- So what if we do have fun of course,

but make sure you know
who's in charge here, hmm?

- Yeah.

- I mean it, you've got to do what I say.

(laughs)
- Darling whatever you want,

just ask hmm.

- You're a pretty competent musician,

my little violinist.

(laughs)

Now I must ask you to turn around.

- For modesty?

- Of course, after I'm
the children's governess,

I must maintain the
traditions of the family

and set a good example.

- It is important yes.

(cheerful music)

- Want to go again hmm?

Let's hold it for this evening.

Now get lost.

- Just like this.

- [Sybille] Don't forget your instrument.

- You're joking.

(suspenseful music)

- [Sybille] Jennifer, Jennifer.

(sighs)

Open up there.

- The doors open.

- You've been like that all night?

- [Jennifer] Like what?

- All alone?

- Hmm.

- Well I suppose it can't
do any harm now and again.

- Do we have to make it every night?

- My darling, you know your family

has very important traditions.

- And how, dating from earliest time.

The picture there, how often
have you been told about

great great grandma's wild times

with the Baron Balsino,

noted for his large holdings

and he planted a tree every time they met.

Well last night Robert took care

of the whole forest of trees.

- (laughs) Oh my little siren.

- He's fantastic.

- Robert what are you doing?

- I'll show you in a second.

- I thought you were
with Jennifer all night.

- You got it.

But I'm always hungry at breakfast.

A bird in the hands worth two in bed.

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
A bird in the hand.

There were birds on every hand
and on everything else too.

Oh those golden days,

recuperating from the nights before.

Before and after.

The view overlooking the
valley was beautiful,

there at Philander Manor, on the Sly.

Oh those girls were
talented, I'll say that.

They could play an instrument beautifully.

Lucky chance for a violin teacher like me.

Veronica here was the best.

When she got started she
could improvise for hours.

- You should be dressed,

you're meeting your sister at the station.

- It's hopeless getting
dressed this early.

I don't function very
well the rest of the day.

- Well listen, Veronica's
gone to wake up John.

- Our chauffeur.

When?

- Oh half an hour ago I'd say.

- Then I wouldn't worry dear,

they'll be occupied for quite a while.

- Occupied?

- Yeah.

- Nonsense.

- Knowing John it could last three days.

- Alexandra will be sitting there,

it isn't very polite.

Veronica should know

there's a time and place for everything.

(laughs)

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
But the time was always right

in this place.

Poor Sybille she had her
hands full with those girls.

- Veronica.

Veronica!

Veronica.

John.

John, are you in?

John?

(window knocking)

- You want me?

- That's the point at the moment.

John this is serious.

It's been an hour and I
mean it's been far too long,

far too long for a child to wait.

- You don't say.

- [Sybille] John get dressed at once.

- Come back.

In a minute or two
he'll be right with you.

You're welcome to join us.

- That's too kind, but there's the matter

of getting your sister if you don't mind?

(moaning)

- Duty calls.

Take it easy I'll go.

- Yes you will.

I'm getting him tonight.

Hmm.

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover] Ah yes,

our delicious little Alexandra.

An unplucked rose.

The one exception to Sybille's
otherwise perfect record.

She's just out of finishing school,

but it's really only the beginning.

(laughs)

(whistling)

- Nice day.

- Yes.

Um, how do you do Mart?

- [Mart] Mind if I sit down?

- No, make yourself comfortable.

(laughs)

Yes it's pretty nice weather.

- Never been better Samuel.

Yes you'd think for this time of year

we'd be having quite
a lot of thunderstorms

but there isn't a cloud in sight.

- Yes, yes, it's a nice day.

- That's right?

- (laughs) You live around here my dear?

- Hmm-mm.
- That's splendid.

Makes us all sort of neighbors in a way.

- Yes, so pleased to know you.

- She's a polite little thing.

Mind if I get closer?

Would you be interested
in seeing my works of art?

- Your paintings?
- Yes.

- She would rather visit
my house wouldn't you?

We might decide to play
party games my dear,

I'm sure you'd be delighted.

We'll play phonograph records,
yes, and you could dance.

(laughing)

- Darling there you are.

I've looked everywhere for you.

It's good to see you.

- Hold it, I've never seen your face.

- You forget every face you ever see,

you ought to recall mine.

But here I find you
talking to dirty old men.

I'm disappointed, that's
not a very pleasant sight.

Just string it along and put
our friends on the road eh?

Back to the asylum.

And how's your dad, the
Commissioner of Police,

is he still as tough as he ever was.

- He just organized a new Moral Squad.

(laughing)

- I'm Frank Haller.

And now you know me and if you
need protection I'm around.

- Thanks a lot,

I'll be perfectly safe for the
moment and you're pushing--

- I'm a little impetuous.

- That's not my style.

- I guess I've got to explain first.

Frank Haller, okay.

Doing advanced research on painting.

On my way to Philander Manor.

- You mean you're going to Philander,

why for goodness sake?

- [Frank] The erotic paintings there

are fine examples of primitive rustic art.

- Ah.

- Yes.

It would seem, the mother
has three daughters,

and she's a funny old dame.

That goes for all of them.

There's a family tradition,

the whole thing dates
from the Middle Ages.

They're supposed to be
very seriously dedicated

to finding every way that's known to--

- Give pleasure.

They're especially talented,

they're born to offer everything to a man.

If a maiden doesn't offer
everything she may be disowned.

- That's wonderful,
where'd you learn all that?

- Oh I can't take any credit.

You can take a good look

at one of the funny old dames daughters.

- Oh, I've got the old
foot in up to the ankle.

- As for Philander Manor,

I was hopelessly out of
my place in my house.

You see I was unfortunately too young.

- [Frank] And what happened?

- They all figured that for me

it was the School for Modern Young Ladies.

So they packed me off to get educated.

- You got educated?

- Afraid not, I'll have to learn at home.

(horn honking)

Oh there's John.

Come on, from now on you're my guest.

- Good morning Miss Alexandra.

- Good morning.

- You do remember me don't you?

- Yes sure.

I changed much?

- You sure did.

I must say you filled out a bit,

but then you'd have to
considering your family tradition.

- Frank Haller a friend of a mine, John.

- Hello.

- Just wait for Miss Sybille
to get her hands on him.

- I hope that this Haller is the kind

who's a swinger like us,
sounds like a nice chap.

- [Robert] Yes.

- Robert knows who to ask here.

- You don't understand my
concern is with my house guests.

That they're at ease, I
think they feel at home here.

- Hmm, you ought to know.

- He called from the station,

he's been after an invitation
here for a long while,

he's heard of the traditions.

- I think that Frank will
fit in fine here, hmm?

What's he do?

- Artist, finishing his studies.

He's doing advanced research,

mainly on nudes and such.

Frank's a connoisseur of the erotic.

- Do you think you'll be
helpful in his studies?

- Oh I suppose I'm erotic all right.

You know in fact, a little time with me,

and he'll make a doctor's degree.

- I think Frank will find us interesting.

I mean we ought to help
in the boys education.

- Right teacher.

- I'm going to relax when I get home.

Just lounge around.

I've had enough studying books.

It's pretty nice there,
I'm looking forward to it.

Maybe I'll have a little
fingering practice.

- What?

♪ Hmm na na num ♪

- Fingering practice?

- Violin dummy.

It's the big idea momma.

She wants all her daughters
to play the violin.

- Oh sure.

- Hey John is the violin professor

really at our beck and call?

What's his name, Senor Philoni, I think?

Anyhow is he really as good as they say?

- I guess so.

If you believe the women he's alright.

- By the way, I was
wondering about this place,

this School for what did you say?

Modern Young Ladies.

Did you have a good time?

- Are you being funny?

- Did they even prepare
you for what you must do?

- Oh goodness that.

I'm never worried about sex.

I'm actually a virgin.

- What!

(brakes squeal)

- John you were listening.

A fine chauffeur,

try to keep a secret before
you know that it's out.

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
Martin the butler,

been here longer than
anybody here can remember.

And he'll probably go on
long after we're all gone.

One thing about Martin,
nothing shocks him.

He's seen everything and done everything

and there's nothing new to learn.

- Kiss it go ahead.

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
Sometimes I think Martin

was there watching when he
was in the fruit business,

but Martin is discreet.

In two years he spoke to
me exactly three times.

Once was when I was going to
a private lesson on the beach.

- Faster, faster young man.

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
He didn't a miss a thing.

Working at that place for
a hundred years or so,

he had an instinct where the action was.

(peaceful music)

(moaning)

He should write his memoirs
and put Casanova in the shade.

You never knew what was going
on behind that stone face.

What was he thinking?

- Very crude, much grander
style in my own days.

- Alex, it's pretty funny all the same,

that you returned to
us exactly as you were

when you went away to school.

- It's not so odd, anyway
I'm ready to learn.

- Well I think of my
experience at your age.

I was invited here to stay

and I had the whole world by the tail.

- That was many years ago Miss Sybille.

- What?

- The saying goes

"when told too often, a
tale is unappreciated."

- [Sybille] Hmm.

- Made with rum.

Welcome home Miss Alexandra.

- Thanks.

- Rare bird our Martin.

- According to the family
history he was a ball of fire.

- They say he was a real bull.

- I can't think he'd be so sexy,

he seems far too haughty.

- Oh what would you know
about it you virgin?

One never knows what's underneath.

That's the part I like, finding
out who a man really is.

Finding someone who really appreciates me.

- Alright, I've got to get started.

- Over 16 already and not started.

- And to think, the brochure
of that girls school said

"we teach everything a
modern girl should know."

Hmm.

- (laughs) Every morning
we got the pill to take.

- Handing out pills to a lot of virgins.

- Girls please be a bit discreet.

- Who cares?

What matters is she needs a man.

- Well what do I do now?

- Well what does she do now?

- Well what does she do now?

- What does she do now?

If momma's stuck with a virgin,

well it happens to the best families.

- If you really knew you
wouldn't say that my dear.

- In her day she was a pussycat.

- I got it, why don't we
give her a coming up party!

- Oh yeah, stroke of real genius.

You solved the problem honey,

to Alexandra's first coming up party.

- Wait a moment, I arrange social events.

Jennifer that is a good idea.

- Sure, I'm full of good
ideas if anyone would ask me,

but around here nobody does.

- Around here we've all got our own ideas.

- This Haller, will be
Alexandra's roommate.

- Aren't you being generous my dear?

- That's right it's my nature.

And besides it looks as
though she's awfully gone

on Frank Haller.

Any little voice Alex?

- The only voice Sybille
hears is poor momma's groan

when she learns of Alice's condition.

- Look your mother put me in charge of you

and I'm going to guide your paths.

- Oh Sybille we need
about as much guidance

as a bunch of horny rabbits (laughs).

- That's not funny.

Senor Philoni's a musician,
he ought to get an invitation.

- Oh the maestro.

Rather too crude for me,
but I'm glad you like him.

- Philoni is a great artist.

- [Jennifer] And you're
such a lover of art.

- Okay, we'll have the
regular man and the Count

and his little friend too.

- There's one man too many
including this Senor Philoni,

we can't do that.

- A man too many, wow
she sure is a virgin.

Huh, what in this family?

(laughs) That'll be the day alright.

(cheerful music)

(people chattering)

(laughs)

- You really know how to dance.

- What a party looks like
somebody is feeling great.

- Yeah she looks good tonight.

- You noticed your Jennifer there?

I suppose you'll be getting
married pretty soon,

I wish the two of you all the best.

- I'll drink to that.

There's something you ought to know.

- Hmm.

- It's a little delicate.

I'll tell you she'll kill
me off before my time,

if you know what I mean.

- I'd say you're pretty lucky.

- You think so pal?

You don't know, at night she's an animal.

And any night there's moonlight

she wants to dance and do it moving.

She's difficult.

- Ooh, hi cutie!

- Listen pal you shouldn't
complain, you've got it made.

- Yeah every night, if
only she could stop.

Be easier to explain to her

if only her old family
tradition wouldn't interfere.

When do you see the picture gallery?

- In the morning.

Great party, who invited spring time?

- Hello.

- I just adore martinis,
I make them so well.

They're just wild, make a tiger out of me.

(cheerful music)

(laughing)

Eugh.

- You make those things differently.

- Rather, this is mouth wash.

- Yes, they never know the difference.

- God it's a pity

we never got better
acquainted living next door.

- Quite so, maybe tonight
we remedy that huh?

- Well we all may just go to bed soon.

- Senor Philoni get out of my house.

- Madam have I offended you, what is it?

- My poor boy.

You haven't slightest idea,

I won't tolerate someone
who listens at doors.

- I assure you Sybille, a man
knows Alexandra's a virgin

without listening at a door.

- Nevertheless you did just that.

If you tell anybody she's a virgin

you'll be out of here and fast.

- Oh upon my honor.

- That isn't much but
I guess I'll take it.

- Oh believe me Sybille,
I'll do anything Sybille,

keep any secret, I can't stand it.

- Oh Philoni.

- I see that Senor Philoni has
the situation well in hand.

(laughing)

- I do say take it easy.

- You must understand that
at instant my only intention

is to get you to bed.

- Senor Philoni is that
a nice thing to say.

Fine come tonight.

- What about now?

- What a very interesting idea.

(cheerful music)

- Where's she going?

- Upstairs with Philoni.

- Uh huh.

- Hey, your pals doing alright.

- It's too warm in here,
do you feel like dancing?

- Is it time for you to
spring your technique

and get me to come outside
for a moment of relaxation,

is that the plan?

- Hmm-mm.

(cheerful music)

- She's from this clan, you can see that.

- Uh huh.

- How about us?

- Jennifer why do we always
have to do what mother says?

- Oh you never complained
when we were first engaged.

Oh dear you're growing senile.

Huh darling?

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
And so it went round and round.

Everybody dancing, well
you know what I mean.

Even the Count, who used
to look the other way,

so to speak.

- It's so nice getting acquainted.

- Rather.

- Now darling get ready for it,

you're going to need all your energy.

(laughing)

- [Count] Ow.

(bed squeaking)

(moaning)

(laughs)

- Philoni, tell me why do
you bring your instrument?

Does it excite you or something?

- Oh, I'd be lost darling without it.

- (laughs) Oh my dear
you're a great artist.

(bed squeaking)

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
At about this time

Jennifer got a bee in her bonnet.

She was determined to break
the world speed record

for getting undressed.

17 seconds flat so to speak.

- Oh brother, all I do is
stop to tie my shoe lace

and you're already undressed.

(peaceful music)

- Okay senile.

(laughing)

(kisses smacking)

(moaning)

(bed squeaking)

(laughing)

(moaning)

- Listen Butler do these
parties always end up like this?

- So have ended parties
here for 400 years.

For nearly the whole night

they keep half demolishing this house,

for as it happens
everyone is under a spell.

- Yes but surely not Count Sebastian?

- Young man it's absolutely sure.

(cheerful music)

(moaning)

- Don't.

I fell we've gone far enough as is Frank.

- Alexandra you're a fine actress.

- I'm sorry you think so.

- Yeah you sure could've fooled me.

Okay anyway you want it, but
it's a rotten trick to pull.

- I didn't say I would did I?

- What about all that tradition?

- It's absolutely correct I tell you.

- Oh sure.

- Oh come on, don't look like that.

- What?

- Frank, I'm really sorry.

I'm very modern, I wouldn't
mind a bit darling,

if you wanted to go to bed
with one of my sisters.

(beds squeaking)

- This place is funny.

It turns us all into beasts at night.

- Now don't talk like that.

You're not a beast.

To me all that is much
too important Frank.

The first man who makes love to Alexandra

gets all there is to get, right?

(laughs)

- You know what you are my darling?

You're a black sheep.

- I'll just never escape it.

I'm afraid my mother will have to make do

with Jennifer and Veronica.

Only it really isn't my fault.

I'm hopeless.

- (laughs) That you are.

And I'll tell you a secret.

Don't tell anybody.

So am I.

- But this party must
come to an end sometime.

- Young man you have no idea,

not the foggiest notion
concerning Philander.

Late parties are tradition
in this house sir.

No Philander party can end
until each man is satisfied.

- Well?

- If it's really so important,

only this time see if you can do better.

- I'll see what I can do.

(moaning)

- It's no good Frank.

Tomorrow's another day.

- Oh that was fun wasn't it?

- Yes, glad you liked it.

(laughing)

(sighs)

(cheerful music)

- Hey, where's the gang anyway?

- Here we are.

(laughs) He was fantastic.
- Hello.

- I thought we'd never
get finished (laughs).

- Mission accomplished.

Everything went fine.

- Hot stuff.

- Let's go for a swim.

- Oh yes.
- I like that.

(cheering and chattering)

- Naked?

- Naked.

- With girls?

(laughing)

(cheering)

(water splashing)

(groans)

- [Men Together] Ready one!

(water splashing)

Ready two!

(screams)

Ready three!

(screams)

Ready four!

(laughing)

- [Count] Whoa, it's crazy cold.

- They're really a
different sex from us men.

- How do you like getting pushed in huh?

- How do you like it?

(laughing)

- [Count] Veronica it's your turn.

- Robert.

(laughing)

Robert where are you?

Robert?

- What's wrong he sink?

- I forgot he can't swim.

Where are you darling?

- Now the time for Philoni
to come to the rescue.

(whistle slides)

On second thought you go.

- Alright 'fraidy cat.

(water splashing)

(groans)

- Come back.

(panting)

- You alright?

- Yeah I guess so.

- Don't worry he's okay.

We'll have those later.

- They also serve while we stand and wait.

- Robert, what's the matter darling?

- Help me.

- Jennifer fished me out so.

I suppose that means I'm hooked.

We're getting married.

- [Veronica] Married!

- Wonderful, let's drink to that.

Martin, champagne.

- Oh dear oh dear, the youth of today.

- Jennifer, tell me what about Alexandra.

- I'm not sure but her light is still on.

(laughing)

- This is a pretty nice room.

Soft huh?

- Hmm-mm.

- You read a lot of books?

- Naturally.

- Hmm.

It's really not bad here.

- And have you noticed
the bed, how large it is?

And it's got re-enforced springs.

You should try it.

- Hmm-mm.

- To Jennifer and Robert.

(laughing)

- Yes to Jennifer who's
going to be a married lady,

all official and with her very own husband

who nobody will steal.

- He's mine now maybe but as for stealing.

- Oh that isn't fair darling.

He's all yours.

Now.

- May everything life go there way,

especially more big nights
Jennifer, for always.

- [Sybille] Let's see the fiance's kiss.

- Hmm, know what I want my big darling?

Come on, we'll see if
you can impress me again?

- Not again, not every night.

- Listen for tonight's
specialty it's family onLy.

All others are not permitted.

You must be quiet as a mouse got it.

Are you in this family Senor Philoni?

- If I'd better to say so,
the maestro has no family.

- Yes that might be.

Alright come on, but don't
give the gag away, okay.

(laughing)

- Our queue to adjourn I think, shall we?

- Hey come on guys.

(laughing)

Shh, shh, shh.

- No thank you Martin.

- I don't want any.

- Well Count, how you feeling?

Looks like you scored with Veronica.

- She's really something.

Poor my man.

- [Martin] Yes Your Grace.

- Here's to you.

- Go on if you want, see if I care.

Deary I couldn't care less.

I'm going now.

- Let me give you a bit of good advice

that suits your time.

Life is very like a bookstore,

far better to keep your
hands off the entire shelf

unless you can keep your place.

Hmm.

(laughing)

- [Frank] Very good, very good.

- Shh, shh.

- [Alexandra] A little
surprise I was saving for now.

- [Frank] Yes, you're in
a very nice position now.

(laughing)

- [Alexandra] Your piece is in danger.

- [Frank] Exactly look at this.

(laughing)

Remember I told you, all I
need is a little opening.

- [Alexandra] You've had practice.

(laughing)

Why don't you let me move first?

(whistles)

- [Frank] Oh no, I've
got you where I want you.

- [Alexandra] True.

- It won't be long.

- [Frank] I'm going to
mate you in three moves,

so get ready.

- Suppose we go down and
prepare a celebration okay?

- Okay.

- [Frank] Your rook is in danger.

- Hold on.

- Check.

And mate.

- They're,

They're just playing chess.

- What are they playing?

- Chess.

- That's your second checkmate.

I guess I'm not a very good player.

Thank you.

What an idiot you are coming to my bedroom

in the middle of the night
and end up just playing chess.

- It breaks up the routine.

- Suit yourself, all I
know is I'm delighted.

Are you sure you wouldn't
rather be with the others?

- I'm sure, I'd rather stay
here and play chess with you.

I'm crazy about chess.

(suspenseful music)

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
Gloom reigned over the party.

Tempers were short.

Alexandra was still a virgin.

The twilight of the gods.

No one had a solution.

Then good old reliable
Martin came into the room.

(clears throat)

- Philoni.

- I know the way out.

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
The more I remember,

the more I marvel that I lived through it.

Mostly it was the nightly private lessons,

sometimes with encore after encore.

I would be heading back to my room,

dreaming of sleeping 'til noon

and the fickle finger of fate

would pluck my instrument again.

(groans)

A mystery surrounded that house.

(cheerful music)

(yawning)

- Only a few feet to go.

At last.

(yawns)

(groans)

- Philoni, I've endubed, let's go.

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
Talk about cock of the roost.

I slept all the next day.

But Francince the maid was
bouncing about bright and early.

Even the forest ranger Hugo
was staggering out of bed

at first light of dawn.

It's just as well,

because you didn't have to get
up too early in the morning

to be smarter than Hugo.

And in the main gallery
Haller was getting the tour.

(peaceful music)

(clears throat)

- An 18th Century King
and a female of this house

near the end of that century.

Notice it's barren austerity.

All extraneous detail is absent.

- Well the situation is clear enough.

- It's called The Time the
Monarch Fancied One of Ladies

in His Court and Went on to Have Her.

But in truth it was the
lady who made her choice,

predating this event by
several hundred years

was the Philander tradition
of which you have heard.

- [Frank] Yes.

- [Martin] Hmm.

- Hmm.

- You mustn't expect to see every detail.

His Majesty's glory couldn't
be caught by a crude painter.

(peaceful music)

A 19th Century King making
a check on his subjects

caught in the act by the artist.

- Remarkable.

The technique is really quite similar,

though separated by a century.

- As to technique,
painters serve the family

and Philander was their home.

Very soon they would
develop the techniques

demanded by the ladies of the house.

That's why there is a
similarity in all the pictures.

(clears throat) The 20th Century.

On your left you can see my leg.

I must admit the Master of the House

took a narrow view of the matter.

- I can imagine.

But you weren't climbing
into you mistresses

bed all the time?

- [Martin] Oh all the
time sir, all the time.

- A good butler does what he's told.

Boy you're a stud from what you say.

- Yes my prowess was fantastic,

only I can't take much credit.

In this house everyone is supercharged.

- What is the secret of this place anyway?

- Hmm.

- Come on Martin,

I'm sure it's not just
that tradition nonsense.

- However I must not tell you.

- Oh sure you can.

I swear I won't tell anybody.

- Yes only I'd prefer not to sir.

- Oh go ahead.

- Mr. Haller you are
an honorable young man,

I will tell you considering
your feelings for Alexandra.

Ever since I arrived here,

I've had incidents as depicted there.

- Something drove you to it?

- For nine centuries

there's existed a secret
known only to the family sir.

- Secret what do you mean?

- It's self evident, only I
think you would never guess it.

It's the water.

- The water?

- It has a very strange action,

it invigorates a man's organs.

Yes and that goes also for the ladies,

in fact it's far stronger.

You can attest to that.

And of course there's no
morning after effects.

I believe that our water

is the world's greatest aphrodisiac.

As an upstanding drinker
may I state that position.

- Right out of the Arabian Nights.

You don't still drink it do you?

I mean, considering your age.

- Hmm.

(whistles)

- What is it my dear?

- This is Mr. Haller,
if you would allow me.

Hilda's my future bride.
- Hello.

- Dear Mr. Haller is studying.
- That's nice.

- Your future bride.

- Hmm.

Yes of course, I don't
reveal her to the others,

you understand, the atmosphere
in this house isn't right.

She's bashful but after two
or three glasses of water,

dynamite.

That's the moment of action.

- Yeah, you're very lucky.

All the best until the well runs dry.

- Hmm.

- Oh this Haller's a child alright.

- Then let him take his
time with poor Alexandra.

- No I can't.

Your mother's coming home in a day or two,

it might take weeks for that man.

- Then Mr. Haller's no man.

- Hey just 'cause you hold
the indoor speed record.

- [Veronica] Hmm.

- That's enough, now both
of you check your lists.

- Darling, what about your own list?

It's full of big successes.

- Now Veronica, let's
speak no more of that.

Alexandra's a problem.

She's like a tiny bird.

- Oh brother.

- Well try to help a little.

Jennifer, for heaven's
sake, think of a suggestion.

- Suggestions, I don't
care if it's Snow White,

but not my Robert, remember that.

- Why don't we just send
her out into the street.

- Really Veronica.

No, I'd have to know my choice was right.

Very tricky business,

it's very hard to find a candidate.

- I think you need some lessons.

- I know how to find a man.

- You wouldn't throw little Alexandra

to one of those gorilla men that you pick?

- I'll have you know my
friends are all cultured.

I'll find her a fantastic guy.

A sort of appetizer.

A foretaste of things to come.

- Oh and Frank Haller
as desert, very nice.

- Well I'm hoping to get her off

to a proper, beautiful start.

Alexandra's facing ruin.

For her sake I'd like to
get her a terrific man.

One who'd be firm and in good condition.

- Hmm-mm.

- Yes I'll get her Hugo.

(peaceful music)

Look Hugo.

- Yes Miss Sybille.

- Hugo, you like your friend Alexandra?

- Oh naturally.

- Unfortunately Alexandra
isn't quite herself.

- Can I help?

- Yes, listen carefully to what I say.

Since Alexandra is one of the family

she must follow in its traditions.

You know what that is?

- Well I'm not very sure,

mother said she'd tell me on day and--

- It's alright, don't worry.

For Alexandra it's a question
of her being initiated.

She's 20, she's ripe for it.

She'd be so happy to
receive your attentions.

- Give her attention?

- That's right, only see
you put everything into it.

(door knocking)

(sighs)

- Yes.

What a pleasant surprise,

I was just wondering where you were?

- No hold it a second,
I wanna talk to you.

- Yes darling, what did
you wanna say to me?

Look, I'll listen to
everything, everything.

- Jennifer please, I have to talk to you.

- Whisper it to me in bed.

Oh darling, anything you
want, whatever you say.

- Baby listen, please, don't
you think we get too much.

Look honey, every man needs
a break once in a while.

- A break?

Tell me what you said again.

Break?

- Yeah.

- Listen did you come
here to make a phone call?

Get out of here.

And if you can't perform,
I'll find a man that can.

You can't that's damn sure.

You're a wash out, I hate you.

- We're engaged.

- Our engagement is now broken.

See, alright, push off.

- Jennifer please, you've
gotta understand honey.

Do we have to make it both day and night?

- Yes day and night.

I want a real man, not a weakling.

(groans)

(peaceful music)

- It certainly is large.

- Yeah.

- Idiot, I mean him there?

- Where?

I never saw him before.

- Hugo you're tickling me, don't.

- We've got to talk Alexandra.

- Keep your big paws off of me.

- Sorry I was just checking,
I always get carried away.

You know I've had plenty of experience.

I've been charge of chimpanzees.

- I'm not a chimpanzee.

Cute.

- What is?

- Can't you see?

A baby.

- She's grown, they
have very funny habits,

for instance Alexandra when
they wanna have children

they do a certain thing.

- I've heard.

- They're in love you know and
the male does his specialty.

Let me show you.

- In the year 1022, according to legend,

a certain King Axelrod
the Bold was out hunting

when he fell into a hole.

For months he stayed there.

One day he returned to his home,

by this time he had discovered the source.

Hmm, well better drink to that.

A week later he sprouted
big horns on his viking--

(gun fires)

What was that?

- Martin is somebody hunting?

- In a manner of speaking miss.

One of Miss Sybille's ideas.

- Hey there's Alexandra look.

- Oh.

- [Frank] Somethings up!

Alexandra, what happened?

What is it?

- Nothing Frank, I was
on the observation tower

with Hugo just now.

- He shot at you?

- He went right out of his
mind and he started telling me

about how hippo's get their action.

He also knows a lot about--

- Another of Miss Sybille's
ideas has backfired.

(laughing)

- Hey what is this?

Some kind of joke or what?

(groaning)

(laughing)

- Running for his life the poor guy.

- [Sybille] This is terrible.

- Never a dull minute.
- What's the matter?

- This telegram says
your mother is coming.

- Oh she picked a marvelous
time, does it say when?

- In the morning.

- Wonderful, I'll be really
delighted to see her.

- But Miss Sybille must
think of all of her duties.

- [Sybille] Duties?

Perform a miracle in 24 hours.

- Exactly, everyone fitted out for battle.

All our forces must gird their loins.

- I do hope you're not stagnating?

- Yes Martin, I'm beginning
to think I'm slipping.

I simply must find a solution.

- Oh in time you'll find a
lad who'll fill your need.

- I'll find him, only
if it isn't very soon

it'll be too late.

Who though?

I'm telling you Martin I'll
find a candidate today or else.

It's only right.

- If instead they'd had you as a daughter,

the Philander tradition
would certainly be safe.

- Yes I must say it's difficult
to stick to tradition.

Quite likely the tradition's wrong.

- Quiet Sybille in this
house ghosts hear everything.

- The ghosts, you mean the
house is full of spooks?

Well I didn't think anybody
believed the Philander curse

but the old legend.

Who breaks the traditions goes sexless.

I'm doing my best, look what do they want?

- My dear Philanders
principles are very ancient

and Miss Alexandra
ought not to break them.

- She should never have returned home.

- However she is returning home.

You have a duty.

- I'm only human, who is she anyway?

What can she do?

- Very likely you would first get fired,

then your love life would come to an end.

- [Sybille] I'll have to
sacrifice John to Alexandra.

- It's evident the
chauffeur is beneath her.

- He'll make her you'll see.

The man has special abilities.

That ends our problem.

I'll be generous.

Yes, the fellow is a natural.

- Only a bit phony if I may say so.

- Of course, so much the better.

She'll have her fling first
and then forget him for good.

- Alexandra is sensitive,
someone who hates crudity.

I find that fellow sub-human.

- [Sybille] Nonsense
Martin, I'm not worried.

- Do what you must by all means.

Only this house can't be tainted.

Good morning.

- Oh.

(water splashing)

(sighs)

(sighs)

- Very nice, care to take a swim.

- Oh for heaven's sake.

Excuse me who are you?

- I could ask you that.

I mean you're on our property,
didn't you know that?

- No, sorry.
- I'm glad you're here.

- I should have known.

- Please forget it,
you're more than welcome.

It was a surprise for me too dear.

My brother is friendly
with Veronica your sister.

- Your Sebastian's sister.

- [Sebastian's Sister] Yes that's right.

- You must have your
brother bring you over

to parties at our house.

- You're very kind, only
I'm afraid your parties

are much too conventional for my tastes.

You're very beautiful, you know that?

Especially like that.

A Venus of Botticelli.

Only you're gonna catch cold like that.

(laughing)

(moaning)

- Right now girl.

- Oh boy you've got hot pants.

- Call the fire department.

(laughing)

(moaning)

(moans)

- What's your name?

- Graziella, and yours?

- Alexandra.

- You're a pretty girl, am I?

- Yes you are Graziella but--

- Yes but.

- This is hopeless can't you see that.

- Alexandra I'm sorry if I offended you.

- It's not that, you're very nice,

only it's a sort of moral issue.

I guess I have funny ideas of sex.

- I don't understand.

- I don't know how to explain it to you.

I figure it's like playing chess.

- What?

- Chess teaches you to understand things.

I'm much too logical I know,

but the more you look at sex

the more it proves that
its purpose is much higher.

Ever think of that?

- Uh uh.

- Will you come to a party?

- If you wish.

(gong chimes)

- The tables deserted.

- The gentleman are in the
wine cellar Miss Sybille.

- Why may I ask?

- Well Robert is down in the cellar

hoping to forget his heart is broken

and young Haller is assisting him.

- Upsetting the whole house routine.

- Youth has its trials Miss Sybille.

- Jennifer and Veronica where are they?

- Miss Jennifer left for town

about three quarters of an hour ago.

I understand she has several
friends of dubious reputation

and as for Veronica.

- Where's Veronica?

- I'd say the best thing
is not to tell him.

Young man Veronica's
out for an unknown time.

- Veronica is betraying me.

I'm gonna go and find her and that's that.

- When the old Count Balomile

was living every gentleman acted.

They're animals today.

- Yes of course, only where is Veronica?

- She's off to the middle of the forest

learning how animals, at
certain times, create podgany.

In Hugo's den.

- Disgusting I've lost my appetite.

- It had that affect on
Alexandra, afterward she went off.

- And where did she go?

- It seems she has a lesson with Philoni.

(gasps)

Hmm.

- [Senor Philoni
Voiceover] For me, this was

the beginning of the end.

(groans)

- Damn.

(violin scraping)

- Right along.

Ah, nicely.
- Sweetly.

- Sweetly.
- Sweetly.

- Lightly.
- Lightly.

- Yes.

- Hmm.

(violin scraping)

(humming)

- Back nice and straight.

Good, that's right you're learning.

Bow held lightly.

That's it.

- Good student?

- Hmm, mwah.

Magic.

(violin scraping)

(gasps)

(groaning)

(moaning)

(crashing)
(screams)

- Philoni, what are you doing here?

You come out of this room at once.

- (groans) My instruments all broken.

- And so is your contract.

I take it that's clear.

Well it's been nice knowing you.

There's a train in an hour.

(melancholy music)

- He said the most awful things to music.

- [Sybille] Don't worry maestro Philoni

will trouble this house no longer.

He's leaving immediately.

And if he knows what's good
for him, he won't come back.

(sighs)

(mumbling drunkenly)

- You know what's here Frank?

Alexandra hates men.

- You're full of hot air.

She's a very wonderful girl.

- Yeah but she doesn't know
what she wants old buddy.

Jennifer does though.

- She's a pretty great girl, boy.

- Great and difficult.

- I was speaking about
her sister Alexandra.

- She's nice, I speak
of my fiance Jennifer.

That is what?

Her case is hopeless.

- Yeah, yeah.

Listen don't you worry old pal,

the girls need us and we've got to help.

Yeah but, it won't be easy.

But otherwise we'll lose 'em.

I wonder if the wine's doing us any good?

You wanna try the water?

- Uh uh, I don't need it.

Man, I am at my best with wine.

- Hmm.

- Yeah wine really
makes me a real, a real,

what do you call it?

- I hate to say it, it
makes you unable to--

- I got it, alright, a bull.

That's what it makes me like.

- No fool.

- Hmm-mm.

And it'll do the same thing for you.

(hiccups)

Let's have another bottle alright?

After we have lots of
wine, I've got a plan.

- What's the plan for?

- You go to Jennifer, I
got to Alexandra, got it.

- You'll be thrown on out on your backside

in four seconds flat, you think of that?

- We'll see what she does.

After I drink a little wine I'm in gear.

(woman laughing)

- You hear anything?

- Nah.

- I heard it, there's somebody listening.

- It's an halluci---

- Nation.

- Hallucination, that's all it was.

- Let's try your scheme.

Only you're gonna be out so fast.

- Bet I'm not, Bobby has a plan.

- Yeah, what is it?

- It's an old trick.

We gotta get 'em in the dark.

- Now when the Baroness arrives,

oh you're unfastening my skirt.

- Yes, you were saying?

- Now listen, she's
coming on the early train.

The moment she spots
you bow say good morning

and give her the flowers,
it's very important.

She insists on elegance.

Her first impressions are lasting.

Always check if your tie is straight.

- And when I speak to her say madame.

- She isn't haughty,

however she maintains
a very fine atmosphere.

Nice and friendly.

Hmm.

And you must admit she gives
her personnel good pay.

That's why it's best all around for us

to do everything right.

(moaning)

- Oh bow, right after you.

After me.

(hiccups)

Shh.
- Shh.

- Jennifer.

- No that's Alexandra, no good.

You go to that door.

There.

Yeah down there.

- Hmm-mm.

- Go on tiger.

- Yeah that's right.

(groans)

- [Robert] Damn.

(laughing)

(gasps)

- Oh no, no, no, no, lights.

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
At last the old house

creaked contentedly,
or shall I say rocked.

Everyone was finally happy
and continued until daybreak.

Ah the fateful day, the arrival
of the Baroness was at hand.

There remained only a few last
minutes details to attend to.

- So long see you later.

(laughs)

(groaning)

- What a night.

(groaning)

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
Such a peaceful scene.

The sun warm, the birds singing

and all hell about to break loose.

- Okay, just stay as you are
and curtesy when she appears.

We wanna do this right, don't we.

Oh yes Jennifer, you mustn't tell her

that you've broken your engagement.

At least not right away.

- Since last night Robert
and I are engaged again.

Oh I don't know how long
it'll last but we'll see.

(groans)

- Hello all.

- [Sybille] Good morning Mr. Haller.

- I'm pretty sure he emptied a whole keg.

It was full when he opened it.

- You bet I did.

- [Sybille] A keg?

- Oh my poor head.

- No better yet?

- No better.

- We do look nice and so dissipated.

A fine sight for the Baroness.

Oh Martin, you'll be next
to Francine, on the end.

- I know my place.

In the receiving line,
families always first,

a matter of decorum.

- She's coming, she's coming.

- Decorum, quiet not.

(cheerful music)

- Baroness.

- Good morning children.

- [Together] Good morning.

- (speaks in foreign
language) It is very good,

don't you think?

For our family album.

- Ours did you say?

- (speaks in foreign language)
Darling, I think we should

let out little cat out of the bag, no?

I'm to be your father.

Such a nice family, I
want to know you all.

Each one, yes.

Well what do you say?

- I'll be damned.

- You like?

- Darling, is that your comment?

You feel that I've left it too late.

- Oh no Madam, in this
family everybody stays young.

- (speaks in foreign language) as you say.

(speaks in foreign language) My dear,

what you said is genius.

- What you said is genius, uh.

- I think mother's crazy.

- We'll all talk later,
for now we're going to bed.

- To bed do you mean?

- No no no, of course not.

The last week we haven't
slept, we were always laughing.

Tomorrow I'm going to
organize a feast, if I may.

- (speaks in foreign language)
Yes that is my style.

- Wait a second, for once you're my guest.

- (speaks in foreign
language) That is true.

Only soon you will be the
Countessa Henrietta Di Casagrande.

A name which is the history
books since the Middle Ages.

(speaks in foreign language) Casagrande,

and I'm the latest, it is time
for me to express the honor

of the occasion when we
link our names together.

- I prepared the bedrooms
with connecting doors.

- Mikaelo.

- (speaks in foreign
language) No no no no,

I feel especially untired, no bed for I.

I will stroll in our park.

You go ahead and you sleep eh?

And dream of me.

- Your friends very definite, is it true?

- I hope it is, I'll be quite alone soon

with Alexandra now in the hands
of the splendid Mr. Haller.

I congratulate you dear.

- If I may say, a very neat job,

and I feel I should emphasize it.

- I do think you're well
suited to your duties.

- Oh it's not very much
really, I just do what I can.

- Yes Miss Sybille precisely,

it's unfortunate we can't
say the same for Veronica,

who's a bit lost right now.

- Nothing of the sort.

Oh it is nothing.

I'd far rather hear
all about your travels.

- No, what is this about Veronica?

For goodness sake what is it?

- [Sybille] Oh a minor matter.

- She's hopelessly in love with Hugo,

but it's a minor matter for Veronica.

- But what harm could come of
it, Veronica likes forests.

- A lonely forester.

- That'll be enough.

- [Sybille] What is
the matter with Martin?

- It's his familiar old scene.

- Yes, you know what he's always saying.

- [Together] "I don't find any precedent."

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
As you can imagine

I was definitely not included
in the homecoming festivities.

They all just forgot about me.

As far as the family was concerned,

I was, I was invisible.

I didn't exist.

As if that weren't enough,

I couldn't find my violin bow.

Might have left it anywhere.

Maybe here in Veronica's room.

You know, underneath my rough
exterior, I'm sensitive.

I don't like being ignored.

Ah memories.

Yes, no matter what

I'll always have my
memories of Philander Manor.

That's what I'll do.

I'll collect souvenirs,

they may forget me, but
I'm going to remember them.

Nice.

But hardly a good souvenir?

Memories.

I'd like to take the whole bed,

but there'd be all hell to pay if I did.

Hmm, if these beds could only talk.

Well what have we here.

Oh Veronica, little wildcat.

So far so good.

(cheerful music)

- You practicing your adeptness

at making pictures Count Casagrande?

That is clever.

Sir I do hope you're getting good poses.

- (speaks in foreign language)
Nature reveals herself to me.

- I'm glad that you're
getting masterpieces.

- Yeah.

- Do you think our birds are beautiful?

(speaking in foreign language)

- Nature's gift.

- Yes, I like to see nature at work.

- I can tell you're a master sir.

You've a certain knack, wouldn't you say?

- Oh my senses are fine.
- Aptitude for making scenes.

- In a way you could say.

- Hmm.
- How do you say it?

(moaning)

- [Veronica] Oh Hugo.

(laughing)

Oh you.

(laughing)

- Peasant.

(laughing)

Miss Veronica!

- (gasps) Martin!

- Miss Veronica, are you here Veronica?

Little fool.

- [Veronica] Yes Martin, I'm here.

- And where precisely are you?

I was sent to look for you Veronica.

It's very bad to ignore your mother.

- My mother, already?

Oh thanks a million, I'll go right away.

You're an angel.

- Be careful Veronica,

and that goes for you too Hugo.

(peaceful music)

- Yes?

- [Senor Philoni] It's only me.

- Ah Senor Philoni.

- I've lost my fiddle
stick, my fiddle bow,

I mean, my violin bow.

I wonder whether you've found anything

like that in your bed recently?

Something long.

- Well, tel me what it looks like.

- Oh it was, um, well quite
long and bent slightly.

I do hate to bother you,

only I don't want to buy another one.

- It certainly sounds familiar,

only I'm not sure, you know how it is.

You better make an inspection yourself,

I'll help you.

Maybe we'll get lucky.

- Yes, you never know?

- [Jennifer] You find it?

- [Senor Philoni] Not yet.

- [Jennifer] Are you looking?

(laughing)

- [Senor Philoni] Okay.

Okay.

- [Jennifer] Years ago, I
lost something in this bed.

(laughing)

- [Senor Philoni] Oh this is it?

- [Jennifer] No it's not.

- [Senor Philoni] It's not.

- [Jennifer] No.

- [Senor Philoni] How about this?

- [Jennifer] No, Senor Philoni.

- [Senor Philoni] How about this then?

- [Jennifer] (gasps) Well how about this?

- Ow!

I hope there are no broken parts.

- [Jennifer] Philoni!

- My dear.

You kindly took pity, upon
a poor struggling musician.

A souvenir, for my old age.

(laughing)

♪ O la lo o ♪

(laughing)

(moaning)

♪ Do de do ♪

(cheerful music)

- This whole affair is a fiasco.

- Not at all, your mother doesn't
suspect nothings happened.

- Oh she suspects, she's
just overlooking it.

Mother's brilliant at it.
- Yes.

You know her game, but
you better think about it

before she goes too far.

Where have you been in the woods?

- Yes, waiting for my
prince to turn into a beast.

- You weren't here, it's a shame.

- Hey who's that retread
Romeo I saw wondering around.

- He's a Count if you please,
Mikaelo Di Casagrande.

- Hmm, that's cool.

Is he visiting one of you?

- What do you hear?

- Not you.

- No come on, who is he anyway?

- He's my daddy.

- The father mother picked
for our little girls.

- Well it's a good thing.

You having a father's a pretty good idea,

having a steady hand on the tiller.

A little discipline is called
for, you can all use it.

Especially you hanging around Hugo

exploring the birds and the bees.

- There's plenty to learn in nature.

- Anyway, he's crazy if you ask me,

the way he sneaks around.

He reminds me of the old time movies

when everyone overdid the acting

and did a lot of mugging, he's good at it.

Martin how would you size up

momma's new protege from Italy?

- After due consideration,

I'm sure the Count's real
interest isn't photography.

- Who cares anyway?

- What are his interests then?

- [Martin] Women, preferably undressed.

- Oh, that isn't so difficult
to understand in such a man.

- We'll go off in the
forest, he might like it.

- Don't joke about it please.

It's quite clear the
mans a fraud and liar.

- [Sybille] A fraud?

- A fortune hunter.

Keeps a porno apparatus.

- He's got a porno apparatus?

Doesn't every man have one?

I don't see what's so wrong in that.

How do you know he's a fraud?

- Time reveals all.

Events will prove it.

(whistling)

- Alexandra.

Alexandra!

(whistles)

- Yes, what is it?

- I have to talk to you.

I'm gonna come in just for one second,

is that alright?

I have to see you.

- Sure come on up.

(cheerful music)

(door knocking)

- Yes.

- It's only me, I hope
I'm not disturbing you.

I know I'm no longer welcome,

in a way I'm sticking out my neck.

Only, I'm sorry we've broken up

and I've no intention of
doing anything stupid.

- Oh Philoni, you're sweet.

Darling you mustn't take
what I say seriously.

You're welcome here anytime.

Now what can I do for you darling?

- You didn't happen to see my,

my long strand bow.

Surely you'd recognize it?

- Your long strand.

Oh that splendid creation,
a tragedy to lose it.

I think we better look for it, don't you.

- Oh brilliant idea.

(laughing)

- [Sybille] I'm looking.

- [Senor Philoni] So am I.

(laughing)

- [Sybille] I found it.

- [Senor Philoni] You can say that again.

(laughing)

(bed rattling)

- [Sybille] Oh Philoni.

(groans)

- You're awfully nice helping me Sybille,

we didn't find it,

only instead we created
a voluptuous symphony.

These trophies for my
old age, to treasure.

Old age.

If my bad times win a chariot,

these damsels I must leave,

for I hear the muse and I must seek her.

For a Philoni pursues his destiny.

Oh.

I am a man of action.

- Oh action.

(cheerful music)

(door knocking)

- Just a second.

- Cute nightgown.

- Glad you like it.

Come in, we'll have a game.

- Thanks.

I've to talk to you Alex,

it might be easier if you
come over here and sit down.

- Yes go on.

- Alright.

- Go ahead Frank, what was it?

- There's something I hate to talk about.

Well it looks like I have to
bring it up no matter what.

I really don't know where to start.

- I don't know what it
could possible be Frank,

but you can talk to me about it.

- Well it's.

It isn't bad, it's just not a good start,

if we're going to get serious.

- Oh you mean the business
I had with Graziella.

If that's it Frank, forget it.

I mean Frank, it's not
Graziella that I love.

She's a very nice person
that I had to put straight.

The poor girl was all messed up about sex.

It's you I want.

I love you.

You should know it.

(cheerful music)

- I'm sorry I betrayed you.

- Darling you can't betray anyone

before even being engaged.

- Yes you can.

It was betrayal.

Because I mean it when I say I love you.

I was down in the wine cellar with Robert

and we were feeling no pain.

We got to talking, about
the women in this place.

All of you are difficult,

we agreed to switch girls.

To bring the two of you in line.

I must have been stoned,
can you forgive me?

I got carried away.

- And it's much better
following your force of nature.

Now don't be mad darling,

but I heard both of you
having your little talk

and I let Robert into my room.

- What?

You knew what he was coming in for

and you opened the door to him.

- Yes, isn't that what you wanted?

- [Frank] I was too
drunk to think straight.

- I see, well after all it was your idea.

- No, I just agreed to it.

It sounded okay, so we came
up and I went to Jennifer.

- It wasn't her.

- What?

What are you talking about?

I don't understand.

I slept with someone in here.

- It isn't difficult you know.

You were with me.

- And I thought I understood women.

I'm an idiot.

- Yes you are.

(cheerful music)

- Alexandra and I heard the entire story

Frank and you concocted
so we switched rooms

and that was that.

- No kidding.

That was darn clever.

- I won't ever forget that
my Robert's pretty great

in spite of all his crazy ideas.

- You're a funny bird.

I want you--

- Now precious, you don't
expect me to pass you around.

(moaning)

(cheerful music)

(bed rattling)

(cheerful music)

(laughing)

(clattering)

- Oh, I'm attacking your King.

- Give me an opening and
find out who attacks.

(moaning)

(cheerful music)

- What do you bet he's giving a lecture

on the birds and the
bees and the butterflies.

- Oh come, we don't peak
through keyholes around here.

Besides they're playing chess as usual.

- It's very strange,

my Geiger counter's going, radioactivity.

Hmm.

(cheerful music)

- I see, so I must congratulate Alexandra.

- I never knew such happiness momma.

- Oh my goodness, a bonus.

Imagine two marriages.

- There are three marriages.

Three, it's all agreed I'll
be marrying Mickey very soon.

- Where is Mr. Lucky, he isn't here?

- [Martin] Cocktails?

- Thank you.

- [Frank] Philander water.

- It's a tradition in our house.

- Yes Frank already knows
a lot about the traditions.

- Oh does he, how nice.

Now may I ask a favor?

Mikaelo is lacking, it's best I think

if his education goes slowly.

- It's not that simple.

He is a slave to passion I'm afraid.

- Of course, he is like that.

Astonishing how much you discern Martin.

- [Martin] Madam, I see
only what discretion allows.

- Veronica not feeling well?

- Oh Madam, Veronica
felt like taking a walk.

- Indeed, it's a wonder
her feet don't suffer.

- I think it's a bunch of nonsense.

- It's not, I swear it.

Look I got the room
right next to Francine,

he spent the whole night with her.

- Casagrande?

- I don't know what he's called.

The Spaniard.

But he's a big make out artist.

- Count Casagrande's Italian

and I'll bet 10 to one you made a mistake.

- It's him alright, I'll prove it.

This minute he's with
Francine, you wanna see?

- What?
- Come on.

He's taking over and if he
does she'll only be sleeping

with her master.

- That's a silly thing to say.

- Just let it go at once.

Will you?

- Don't resist, I am not
the same as last night?

- Last night was different,

you photographed me with no clothes on

and made me sleep with you to get it.

- Yes but I pleased you.

Deny that you weren't.

There we go, come on we go again.

- Count, you don't know beans about it.

Why don't you get lost?

If the Mrs. only knew how you--

- (speaks in foreign language)
Like we say in Sicily.

- But you're engaged?

- Naturally, then soon
I'm master of big estate.

- Oh are you a phony boy.

- That's right.

Since I'm going to be
the big boss around here,

you have to do what I say.

(groaning)

- Trouble ahead.

- [Francine] No, stop.

(groaning)

(lock clicking)

- It's a good thing I
found out about that phony

before mother gets taken for a ride.

Thank you.

- Aha.

Would you mind explaining
what you're doing?

- Oh please Sebastian.

I'm not interested in fighting right now.

Don't you get the message.

Come on we'll be too late otherwise.

- What message please?

- Oh, let go off me.

I don't want to see you ever again.

- You prefer cavorting
with this lout, come on.

- [Hugo] Who's a lout?

- Well as long as Veronica's not here

I may as well drink her water.

- If you want my opinion that's
bringing ice to Eskimo's.

- I suggest that Martin learn
what the butler's place is.

- But Sybille dear, Martin
is part of the family.

- I think only of my duty.

And might I give full
credit to my co-worker

who is ever busy day and night.

Her complete devotion to
affairs is so extraordinary

you can't believe it.

- Oh is that so?

- He's angry.

Now he won't serve desert
for the next few days.

It's how he always
punishes us when we're bad.

- Why was he angry?

- [Veronica] Let me go.

- [Sebastian] Come on.

- Hold on everyone looks like fireworks.

- [Veronica] You're a thief.

- Jezzebelle.

Oh, oh no please stay seated.

This could be the last
time you ever see me,

I shall not be marrying this girl.

- Don't worry about it.

That's okay fella.

Between us Veronica's a lucky girl.

- You'll be right at home
in this crazy family.

- Would you mind explaining that?

- Madam I regret to say
Veronica and I are off.

I encountered her with a low personage,

Hugo the forest ranger.

- Oh you find that serious?

- [Sebastian] I do Madam,
a daughter of your family

being mauled by that
gorilla, it's shameless.

- So Veronica is shameless.

- Hardly the best
deportment for a young lady.

- Par for the course for me.

- You aren't making me angry,

I expect remarks like that in this family.

- Oh this family can surprise you

and maybe you don't like surprises.

- Please Jennifer.

- There are plenty of
surprises in your own family.

- Nevertheless let us
speak only of this one.

Oh, you're the one Graziella spoke about,

how innocent you are.

You ought to know about your daughters

and I intend to tell you all about them.

One has the morals of a polecat.

- Thank you.

- Another is sexually abnormal.

- Thank you.

- Another unfortunately
doesn't have a brain.

- Thank you.

- No one here is normal, good day.

- Thank you.

Oh, a disgrace letting that man come here.

Good riddance.

We certainly don't need him

and Veronica might have married that dote.

I want this established once and for all,

the men who come here have got to see.

- [Martin] Madam.

- No get rid of it.

No wait, I'm going to drink it.

Where was I?

- Tradition momma.

- That's it, our tradition.

All the men, oh the list
goes back far in the past

and includes Alexander and Cromwell,

the pride you feel when you
think of all those centuries

seeking up girls like you.
- Momma.

Momma, you don't know about Casagrande.

- In there.

- He's in there you say?

- Yeah.

- Bet money on it?

- Hmm-mm.

- That louse in there with
Francine makes me sick.

Who's got the key?

- Veronica, she's getting
her mother to come.

- Why wait?

(groaning)

(gasps)

- Mamma mia!

- Now the fireworks begin.

(explosions booming)

- No my dear it isn't true.

You must certainly be mistaken.

- How many times do I have to tell you?

He spent the entire night with
her in the servants quarters.

- If you really mean--
- I know because Hugo and I

are pretty friendly.
- Don't say that.

- Why shouldn't I say it Sybille?

- Veronica means that
I wanted her to ask him

about the chimney, you remember our fire.

- No it's time we told the truth for once.

- Yes, tell me the truth.

- Hmm, it's hit the fan, oh boy.

- Hmm-mm.

- You spent the night with Hugo?

- Yes.

- And other nights as well?

- Several nights.

I heard Francine and
someone arguing then they--

- Mikaelo?

- Yes he was with Francine.

They were fighting over some damn photo

and then after a moment they went to bed.

- That's disgusting, Mikaelo with her.

- Hmm.

- He's a fortune hunter momma.

- So, all he wants is my property?

All his passion was a sham.

Let this be a lesson for
us all, don't trust men.

- Oh she's a child, just
a child imagining things.

- Yes, only she knows the
score better than some.

- She's beginning to
join the family (laughs).

- Alexandra shouldn't say such things.

- Look, be serious
Alexandra's an adult now.

- I trust one of you gentleman

will escort Mikaelo from
this house, and Francine.

Now follow me.

- [John] Just keep moving down.

- You'll pay for this.

See here, look you've no right.

- No right huh?

(speaking in foreign language)

- You don't understand,
you're trying very hard.

I caught you with Francine.

- This child, who knows what she will do.

She called me and as soon as I
was there she jumped upon me.

- You liar.
- Mamma mia!

- You liar, you know you're lying.

You caught me making love to John.

- It certainly looks like he's guilty.

- I'll hear him before I decide.

It's none of your business.

If you have anything to
say in your defense say it.

- The monster photographed
John and me naked.

- And he made her put out--

(groaning)

That's a monster.

- I didn't want everyone
to see everything.

- Now I understand the deal

Francine's okay, it's all pretty boy.

- He's an old leech that's why.

- I better take her away before
she loses a lot of clothes.

(speaking in foreign language)

- That's all from her, now
explain your side of it.

- I'm innocent is all.

(speaks in foreign
language) She rolls around.

I couldn't get away.

- Alright Casagrande listen to me,

if all of this do fancy,
fancy, what do you call it.

- Listen to him.

- Shall I go on Baroness?

- Go on and say it.

- We do it because it's beautiful.

To us sex is something special,

we respect and love our partners.

- That's the truth isn't it.

- We don't do anything against the girls.

- Yeah that's right.

Maybe he ought to get taught a lesson.

- No there's no point,
it wouldn't do any good.

Buster'll never learn.

Now you better be on your
way, I mean now, you agree?

- You've got 10 seconds.

- (speaks in foreign
language) All this Madam,

making charges, I'll get the police.

- Yes call the police
sir, that's a good idea.

I took the liberty of packing your things

Count Casagrande.

I threw all of them in the ash can.

- My things in the ash
can, a servant can do that?

- It is our job to clean up the house,

but you can look for them in the alley.

The point is Count, you visit
is now definitively ended.

Oh and if you go to the police station,

file a charge also against me

because it is I who took some photos

out of your beastly baggage,
so go and tell them.

- Photos you say?

What photos?

- These photos, only they
aren't amateur photos.

This is professional photography.

He would have made hundreds of these.

The pornographic market
wants this sort of thing.

Happily we have frustrated his plans,

otherwise you'd appear in the
Health and Fresh Air Annual.

- Not bad eh?

He got a good angle on me here didn't he?

- My legs are much too short in this one.

- [Jennifer] Oh look at this one.

- Oh they are good.

You will send me copies.

- [Robert] Who's in this one?

I can't see the faces.

- [Alexandra] Hugo looks
very good in this one.

- [Jennifer] Let me see, oh yes.

- [Madam] Children.

- Viscount Mikaelo Di Casagrande.

(speaks in foreign language)
That's the end of him.

- The man's name is
Schilpol Wolfgang Amadeus.

- Shocking.

- Shocking?

It's unspeakably ill bred.

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
So it came to pass

that Wolfgang Amadeus
Schilpol was the first to go.

- Here's your tip.

(speaking in foreign language)

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
John caught the solemnity

of the occasion and put his
stamp of approval on it.

(groaning)

(melancholy music)

- Ba.

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
Next the simple Hugo

got the boot.

Veronica swore to her mother

that she never wanted to see him again.

Veronica's impetuous though.

Hugo's of the more practical turn of mind.

- Later honey, later.

Come on.

- [Senor Philoni Voiceover]
Next Sybille flew the coop.

She could've stayed.

But Sybille in this house

was getting to be like the
smart kid in geometry class.

She knew all the angles.

Of all of them, Sybille
had the fiery temper.

Many's the time our little
duets ended up fortissimo.

So long Sybille.

And then it was my turn.

But I wasn't defeated.

- Onward.

Total exhaustion with
relapse and complications.

But nothing like the
complications of this family.

Oh those girls,

they're always dancing in my mind.

They brought me to this, an untimely end.

Ooh.

And talking about ends,

never fear because the end is in sight.

(people chattering)

- So here we are, the happy
family together at last

with no one to intrude upon us.

- That's enough excitement for one day.

- I feel I'm a member
of the family already,

is that a good sign?

(laughing)

(doorbell chimes)

- Hey do you figure that
phony had the gall to show up?

- [Robert] I don't think so.

- I'll see who it is Martin.

- [Veronica] But what if it's him?

- Oh my god if he gets violent.

- He isn't violent.

- If I may speak plainly,

I believe he won't return.

I think the man's terrified
of the woman in this place.

- That's true.

But I assure you my dear,
it's really a man's house.

- The history of this
house is full of stories

that tell of falling
into traps set by women.

- That's a false idea.

- [Jennifer] It's in the history books.

- Darling, it's not the sort
of thing you find in books.

- Okay, demonstrate for us.

- Robert.
- Sorry.

- Come in.

My friend Graziella momma,
she lives next door.

- How do you do?

- How nice.

- Hello.

I'm really here for my brother tonight.

- [Madam] Oh yes?

- Oh that looks good.

- [Madam] For your
brother, I trust he's well?

- He's brooding.

- [Madam] Most unfortunate our quarrel,

I trust just the heat of the moment.

- My poor dear brother
Sebastian is very unhappy.

He means to ask for Veronica's hand again.

- (laughs) Veronica's hand isn't available

if the man's not interested in the rest.

(laughing)

- He's very reserved, well
mannered and courteous,

I like that in a man.

- [Madam] So do I.

- What counts for Veronica

is being around when she wants him.

- Now Robert, a man can
have tact and digression,

that's attractive too.

- Yes it may be for you dear lady,

only ask yourself what's in her head now.

- And if I may now bring
in some fresh water,

fresh from our well.

A fine family custom, centuries old.

- Does it still do the job for you Martin?

- Hammer and tong.

If I may speak quite personally

for more than half a century this water

has been a companion.

I drink it each day,
especially every evening,

I make it a point to take it.

Should you desire it my lady,

I could call after
everyone's gone to sleep

and spend a whole night

as if the God Apollo should come in

and cover the Goddess Aphrodite.

- I'm so very tired,
maybe I should go to bed.

There's nothing else for it.

I'll say goodnight,

I trust you are all going to be happy now.

Aphrodite awaits Apollo

and this Aphrodite is
full of anticipation.

- I never forget anything.

I've got whatever I need, a fresh glass.

- [Together] Goodnight momma,
don't let the well run dry.

(laughing)

(cheerful music)