The Swing of Things (2020) - full transcript

[airplane overhead]

[upbeat hip hop music]

[mumbling]

[man] All right.
So... save the day... [indistinct]

All right. All right.
Here we go. Okay.

Think about the future,
think about...

The power is in... future.

- [man] Tommy, let's go!
- Is inside all of us.

- That's good.
- Let's do this!

- Get rid of the cheap bike!
- Hold on, I'm coming, I'm coming...

- Damn it.
- Come on.



- Tommy.
- I'll take...

Sorry, sorry. Yeah, I know...

- Did you have sex last night?
- No, I didn't...

I know. But listen, this is important.

This is the biggest meeting of our lives...

- I know, I know, I know. I'm... I'm...
- And you look stressed out,

and I think you really need
to just go to that conference room

and just jerk one off.
It will make you operate.

Like, through the body.

- I'm not doing this.
- You know what I mean?

[woman]
Oh, today's a nice day.

You know, you guys are my best friends.

I really mean it. Okay, puppies.

Don't be mean.



Just come this way. Come on.

- [dog barking]
- Oh.

Oh, God. Uh... oh.

No, that's my leg.

Come on.

- Come on. You're gonna go this way.
- [phone ringing]

- Oh, that's the phone.
- Crazy. Yeah...

Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Okay. This is him.

It's him. Oh, God.
This is him.

[screams]

[screams]

Get over here. No.

Oh, God.

Come on.

- Get inside.
- Ooh. Now, where have you been?

Come, come, come, come, come.
Come. Gonna make this.

[whistles] Come on. Come on.

I was walking the dog.

Right... Okay.

Nervous energy before the show.

Yeah... You look like shit.

[dog whimpers]

What's wrong with the way I look?

You're not gonna believe
who called me today.

I got a call from the fashion house.

And?

I didn't listen to it,
because I was a little scared...

[groans] Okay.
You need to stop being so chickenshit.

- I just wanted to listen to it with you.
- You can handle more than you think.

- Okay. Well...
- Give it to me.

[woman on phone]
Bonjour. I regret to inform you

that we are declining
to carry your designs.

We wish you the best of luck
with your future endeavors.

Au revoir.

It's okay. There's another message,
there's another one.

[woman on phone]
Hi, honey. It's Mom.

I'm trying to send you
that thousand dollars you need...

Are you borrowing money
from your parents again?

- I'm such a mess.
- Oh, no, babe...

- Everything's gone wrong.
- No, you're not a mess.

You just... You just need
a little bit of TLC.

- That's all.
- [indistinct]

Hey, look. You're gonna be great.

Okay? I'll fix you up.
I'll fix all of this.

They're gonna love you.
They're gonna love your designs,

the buyers are going to give you an order

that'll transcend
your wildest dreams, yeah?

- Yeah?
- I don't know. If you say so.

Okay. All right, love.

Um, but maybe you should just
have a little shower first.

[woman on phone] Hello, thank you
for calling Schmiegel Ad Agency.

- How can I direct your call?
- [phone ringing]

[man] Tom? One day,
this will all be yours.

I built this whole empire,

and my number one achievement to this day,
MOFO Moonshine.

Look at this art. Look at it.

"Lick, swallow, and suck.
No limes needed."

It's like a Picasso ofjizz
that came out of me onto this canvas.

Yeah.

[exhales]

- I cannot do no wrong.
- [door opens]

He's early, so we are leaving.

- Now.
- All right.

Whoa... Whoa, check this out.

- Holy smokes!
- Hey, hey, wait. No, no, no, no...

How do you turn this thing on?

You're gonna break your neck.
Those things are death traps.

They kill people all the time.
You can't even ride a bike.

- You're gonna shoot through the roof...
- [doors opening]

Mr. Johnson,
if you can wait one moment to...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No man stands in front of the boss.

Unless Little Jerry says so.

[dog whimpers]

Little Jerry, what do you say?

[dog whimpers]

He said it's okay.

All right.
What do you got, Irene?

Um, well, we have the projection
all set up for you.

Come on. Wow me. [chuckles]

Right. Okay. Well, you know,

we were thinking to focus on this amazing
innovation you created, and...

Well, uh, Elon Musk, he has innovation.

- Next.
- Let's take the future technology

and make it available
for the consumer today.

Apple. Smart and affordable. Next.

[muttering]

- What do you got?
- Bye-bye.

"Johnson Jetpacks.
Making the future fun again."

What did you say?

"Making the future fun again."

Well, Mr. Johnson, we're a quarter
of the way into the 21st century,

but the future isn't nearly
as cool or wild as we dreamed.

Until today.

By making the future fun,
we open the world's imagination.

- I mean, look at this thing.
- No, I...

It is a beauty!

This isn't just a jetpack
that you created.

It's like a... it's like, uh...

- A vibrator for the mind.
- Yes!

It's like a vibrator for your mind.

And what does the world need
more than vibration right now?

Nothing. The world needs vibration.

So why don't you get over here,
just strap on, ride hard,

and blast off in a Johnson Jetpack?

Tomorrow...

is today.

Idiots...

You're saying it's like sex?

Riding them hard and wet?
Tomorrow is today?

Is that what you're telling me?

I just wanna apologize, that was...

It's genius! It's brilliant!

Where were you hiding this guy?
You got a Don Draper on your team.

And you, vibrations.
Genius, genius.

Why do you act so stupid?
And who are you?

Uh, my name's Tom.

- Tom.
- Tom,

you're gonna be the new face
of the Johnson Jetpack.

Now put that helmet on.
Let me see you in that jetpack.

- Good, good.
- Uh...

- Model that baby.
- Uh, okay.

Oh, I like it.

I think it's... I think it's on, man.

- [powering up]
- I think it's on. Get this off of me.

Oh... shit.

[yells] You pushed the wrong button.

I told you this was stupid.

[yelling]

[Mr. Johnson] Excellent!
Watch your head.

[yelling] Stop!

Man, that thing's way faster
than I thought it would be.

- [yelling]
- Oh! That's gotta hurt.

- [yelling]
- Oh my gosh!

What's he doing?

- [clanging]
- Oh. Good thing he's wearing a helmet.

[grunting]

[yelling]

Fuck you, Ricky!

- Look out!
- [all yelling]

Hmm.

Okay. The finishing touches.

- All right.
- Don't do too much of that stuff.

- Okay.
- Okay. Just a little.

Why is this mascara so clumpy?

Did it expire?
Does mascara expire?

I don't know. Honestly,
I don't really care what I look like.

It's not like I'm trying to get picked up.

Yeah, because that would be a nightmare.

Men are a pointless distraction.

That's kind of the point, babe.

Speaking of distractions,
I sent Molly out for the night.

Thank God.
She's a roommate from hell.

I don't know.
I think that I have enough on.

Is this... Am I good?
Do I look...

You look beautiful.

Honestly, I just really need this to work.

It's going to be great.

It's gonna be a hit.

Those bitches have never looked better.

- Do you really mean that?
- Yes, I do.

Okay.

[sighs] Well, let's go kill it.

Yeah, let's go kill it.

And we have Miss Kesha
Rockefeller Jones.

She will go "boom, boom" in your room

in a custom jumpsuit
made of authentic jersey polyester.

Is that my boxed wine?
Someone's gonna have to pay for that.

Molly? What are you doing here?
[chuckles]

Tonight is my doggy fashion show.

I thought you were joking.

Uh, okay.

So, Laura, why don't you get
our next doggy model ready?

And, Molly,
why don't you go to your room?

Now. We can...
Kind of little busy here.

I brought Laura a friend.

Because everyone knows
that she could use a good fuck.

Okay. That's enough.
Just... go to your room.

This one's for you.

- Meet Mateo.
- I'm Matias. He's Mateo.

[Speaking Spanish]

Mateo. Ma-tat-o.
Who gives a fuck?

He's hot and horny,

and he has hasn't shot a load
in over two weeks.

Get ready because his dick's gonna be like
a McDonald's milkshake machine.

[hissing sound]

[groans]

Okay. Isn't she a riot?

Okay. Can you please just leave?

Yeah.

Fine.

I was gonna share,
but since you're being so rude,

I won't. Come on.

Where were we? [chuckles]

[exhales] Are you sure
these people are real buyers?

Yes. I found them online.
They had great reviews.

- [belching]
- Huh. Who's the charmer?

[Laura] He's a Pet Core representative.
Employee of the month.

- [Georgia] And the cat lady?
- Uh, she's the owner of Feline's Behinds.

- [Georgia] And... Judas?
- [Laura] Uh, he just showed up.

Oh, okay.

- Laura, why don't you get...
- This isn't happening,

- this isn't happening.
- ...our next doggie model?

[upbeat music plays]

[Molly] Yeah, that's my boy, whoo-hoo!

[laughing, screaming]

Fuck, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, daddy, hit the spot!

Oh, fuck!
[moaning]

- [elephant trumpets]
- [Molly] Oh, yeah!

- Oh, fuck!
- [slapping]

Oh, fuck, daddy!
Keep going.

Keep going. Oh, yeah!

- Oh, fuck. Slap that ass! Slap it!
- [clattering]

[moaning] Fuck, yeah.

Oh, yeah. [moaning]

Oh, yeah!

- This house needs an exorcism.
- [Molly] Oh! Oh, yeah!

Uh, okay.
Look, look, um, just wait.

The... the... tuxedo.
Tuxedo.

You haven't seen anything yet.
This is the grand finale.

What kind of bridal party would it be
if your little furry friends,

furry friends couldn't
walk down the aisle with them?

You'll say "I do"
to the exquisite designs of Doggie Style.

[Molly moaning]

[sheep bleating]

[elephant trumpets]

Look, I'm just the cashier for Pet Core.

I think I responded
to the wrong ad. Sorry.

Um, do these come in human sizes?

Um, also I need to pee,
where's your litter box? Meow.

Uh, where did you find these morons?

Who's next?

- This was an awful idea.
- Hey, no, no, no, no.

We will come up with a plan, okay?

Speaking of plans,
either of you have a plan B pill?

Mr. Argentina forgot to pull out.

Okay, look, you lazy, selfish,
irresponsible nympho alcoholic.

I am not lazy.

And you look awfully tense.
Wanna fuck?

[sighs] Our roommate is going through
a very difficult time right now.

I think that some words of encouragement
would be very much appreciated.

Sure. Rent's due tomorrow.

[dog barking]

I'm gonna kill her in her sleep.

- [door shuts]
- Hey.

[Car peels off]

Let's have a drink, babe.

We'll get it next time.

Next time.

♪

Gold. Something gold.

Gold, uh... Gold, um...

Gold ideas... Gold idea...

Here's your order.

Hey, uh, are you guys hiring?

I've never worked in a food truck before.

Benny...
Benny and the Jetpacks, yup.

That's a good one.
That's a good... That...

We can put some good music to that.

- You want an application?
- I'd... Yeah. Sure. Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, lady, and take one of these.
It'll help you chill out.

Thanks. I guess.

Hey, do you have a pen?

Excuse me, do you have a pen?

[sighs] Nobody has a pen. Great.

I have a pen if you...

don't mind red.

I love red.

- Thanks.
- Uh, here.

- Is this lingerie?
- No, I got it. Don't...

Don't worry about it.

- They're tutus.
- Tutus for dogs. Wow.

I'm a designer.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's pretty, uh...

- Kind of stupid.
- ...brilliant.

- You really think so?
- Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, can I buy one from you?

Do you have a dog?

I don't...
No, I don't have a dog.

Yeah, I'd probably
fit it around one of my legs.

[both laughing]

That is the first time
I've smiled in over a week.

Well, you have a nice smile.

- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.

No one wants to buy any of my designs.

Well, I mean, I...
I work in advertising.

I can help you come up
with some new stuff maybe and...

Over dinner or, uh...

Okay. But it...
As long as it's not a date.

What, you got something against...

- against dating dudes?
- No.

I just told myself
I'm not gonna date anybody

until I make
my first business transaction.

Oh, well, then we...
We gotta get on this.

- Yeah.
- Time's wasting.

Poodle skirts.

Poodle skirts for poodles.

- Okay, you got some good ideas.
- Right? Rottweilers in leather.

Leather jackets around their butts.

[laughing]

[Tom] It was electric from the day we met.

Thanks to everyone for coming

and spending some time with us
before the big day.

We're really looking forward
to the trip with both families.

I've never been happier.

Thank you so much for saying yes, Laura.

Of course. That was beautiful.

[woman] That was beautiful.
Thank you so much.

Hey, did everybody get enough to eat?

- Oh, yeah.
- It was good.

- I could use...
- It was good. Thank you.

- ...another one of these.
- [woman] You guys are adorable.

[Laura] I'm so happy to be
joining your family,

- Mr. and Mrs. Rothstein.
- [yawns]

[Mr. Rothstein]
Always a pleasure.

- [Laura] Ahem.
- I'm sorry. It's jetlag.

[woman] Oh, what's the matter, Lance?

[Lance] Nothing.
I'm really happy for you two.

But can I ask?

Why do we all have to fly down

to this Caribbean hellhole
for these nuptials?

Why not have them at home?
Why not Canada?

Lance, you're not even Canadian.

[all grumbling]

Lance, what's wrong with you?

- Don't you know where you're from?
- Ricky, please shut up.

Oh, you hadn't heard?

I'm an orphan.

[Laura]
Oh, here we go.

I didn't know you were adopted.

Oh, that's true. I'm an orphan.

All I ever really wanted
was to be taken in...

- [phone ringing]
- ...by a kind family and then finally...

[man on phone] Manfred? Manfred...

...these loving parents
came along and adopted me

because they couldn't have
children on their own.

It's... It's true.

[groans]

Until they did have a real kid, right?

They were finally able to conceive

and they had the miracle biological child,
the golden girl,

and she just kind of, I don't know,
just took up all the love

and old Lance just kind of got
lost in the shuffle.

- The hell am I missing here?
- My life.

- Well, that's nice.
- Okay. Well...

You sound successful.

- Wow. It's so soft.
- Sherry, Manfred, Lexi, thank you.

And to your son, Tom,
I'd just like to say, uh,

son, if you break her heart,
I'll kill you.

That's a joke. It's just a joke.

- [laughing]
- Good speech.

- He's joking, he's joking. It's a joke.
- It's such a funny joke.

[upbeat music]

Hi, super cute couple.

Can I offer you
a pre-wedding trip beverage?

Actually, I had a question.

Um, when I was coming onto the plane,

somebody was telling me
about, urn, a Club Mile High,

and I was wondering if...

um, is that like a credit card thing
where you have to sign up or do you, um...

Do you get extra miles from that? Is it...

[flight attendant chuckles]

Rude... Rude people on this plane...
Hey, baby, hey.

- What happened?
- Nothing...

I'm just checking.
Are you... You okay?

You... you seem like
you were just like zoned out.

[exhales sharply] Not... not really, no.

Yeah, what's...
What's going on?

- I just feel anxious and I...
- Oh, the flight?

No, it's just the wedding.

I... I just wanna make sure
everybody has fun.

I just want this to be great.

Babe, it's gonna be fantastic.
We prepped...

- Okay.
- ...the shit out of this wedding.

Okay. Just keep telling me that.
I need to hear it.

We prepped the shit out of this wedding.
Say it with me.

- We prepped the shit...
- Prepped the shit

out of this wedding, yeah.

- Okay.
- Yeah, we're good.

Okay. Thanks, babe.
I feel better.

- Great. Now just...
- I feel... I'm just gonna try to sleep.

- Great. Just relax and...
- Okay.

[clears throat]

Do you wanna move over one?

No, I really like the middle seat.

Okay. I need you to take
your hand off my leg.

- That's your leg?
- Yes.

Do you moisturize it?

I need you to remove your hand,

or I'm going to show you
why my favorite movie is Rocky!

Jesus.

Hey.

[seat creaking]

- [grunting]
- [banging]

It's just turbulence.

- [banging]
- [Ricky] Ricky doesn't care.

[grunting]

- [pig squealing]
- [Ricky] Oh, shit, you broke my nose!

- [bell dings]
- [Ricky] Damn it.

[woman on PA] Ladies and gentlemen,
due to severe weather,

we're being rerouted
to the island of Jamaica.

Cabin crew, prepare for landing.

Babe...

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Uh... put your seatbelt on.

- We're here?
- We're close.

Okay. Okay.

[airplane overhead]

[woman on PA] Until further notice,

all flights to the Bahamas are cancelled
due to severe weather.

We're supposed to be
getting married in four days.

Babe, it's gonna be fine, okay?
We're gonna get...

How are we gonna find a resort?

I'm... I'll... I'll take care of it.
It's just gonna be a minor hurdle.

- There's no way.
- I think this is very exciting.

Yeah. And pretty scary, eh?

Representative, please.

[woman on phone] Your call
is very important to us. Please...

- Get our flights figured out.
- No, no... it's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be great. Okay?
And I'm gonna get a hotel for us,

and we're gonna...
I'm gonna find...

I didn't pack...
[mumbling]

- Yeah, mon.
- No seeds and stems, all right?

No guarantees, mon.

Come on, dude, hook me up, hook me up.

♪ In the government yard in Trenchtown ♪

Oh, what happened to your nose?

Hey, mon! Welcome to my island.

I am a Rasta Man, a native of Jamaica.

I'm sorry, could you just give us...
Give us one second, sorry.

You like the weed?
You like them girls?

No, we... We just had
an emergency land here,

we're trying to look
for a hotel for my family.

- So, can you just like...
- Yeah, mon. This is fit, my friend.

Real talk, uh, my name is Ira Goldstein,
I'm actually from Long Island.

I work for a hotel in Negril,

and I can get you guys
a great deal, five-star resort.

- We're talking beautiful pools...
- [Ricky] Yeah.

- ...hot tubs, luxurious rooms.
- Wow.

- Yeah. Yeah?
- Hot tub, pool?

Okay. Yeah, yeah.
You guys... You guys do weddings?

We do it all, mon, all inclusive.

[upbeat music playing]

What?

Nothing, mon. You look good, is all.
Real good, mon.

Oh, I'm sorry, uh, I'm not...

Oh, I'm not into you in that way,
uh, I'm not gay or anything.

Not... Not that I have any problem
with anybody who is gay.

It's just I tried it out once
before I got married,

and it just really wasn't for me,
you know what I mean?

Me and my wife Lakesha, mon,
we're gonna open up

the most beautiful dry cleaner
right here in Negril.

See, so it's
sort of a family business, mon.

We're gonna call it
Jamaican Ass Do Your Laundry.

We do all your dirty laundry.
Yeah, mon.

[upbeat music continues]

Welcome to Hedonism II,
where all your dreams come true.

Winston, I need you to take over,
I got to take a poop.

Welcome, friends.

I'm glad you made it
safely through the storm.

My name is Winston and...

We... We've had a very long day.

Ira said our rooms would be ready.

Sorry, we're just really tired, eh.

- And a little emotional.
- Where's the bar?

[upbeat music plays]

- [Mama McGursky] Papa?
- [Papa] Hmm?

Our daughter is only getting
married once... I hope.

And if you wanna sit back,
relax, and massage those toes,

you deserve it.

No, no, no. We deserve it, Mama.

Should I slip into something
more comfortable?

Ooh, I like that idea.

This was my mama's muumuu.

I always liked your mama, eh?

- [laughing] I'll be back.
- [laughing]

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Hmm.

- [upbeat music]
- [people chattering]

[Ricky] Ooh, jackpot.

Hey, blondie, where you going?

I'm going back to my room.
What are you doing?

Can Ijoin you?

Sure.

- Are you sure?
- Why not?

- Me? Really?
- Yeah.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

- Are you sure?
- Are you gonna take good care of me?

I mean, this isn't a prank, is it?

Baby, I am the luckiest guy in the world.

Tell me about it. Maybe we should
just stay here for the rest of vacation.

So down.

Hey, look, I know that this,
you know, isn't what we planned,

and I know the past few days have been
an emotional rollerooaster,

to say the least.

But I promise you, you're gonna have
the wedding of your dreams, okay?

- You do?
- Yeah.

I have a really good feeling
about this place.

Okay. I know it's not
what we planned, but...

I trust you.

- I love you.
- I love you,

- Mr. McGursky-Fairfax Rothstein.
- Oh, no, no, no.

It's Mr. Fairfax Rothstein-McGursky
if we're gonna do that.

Oh, well, looks like you have
some convincing to do.

I don't think so. Okay.

♪

This is where you'll be married...

on your very special day.

What do you think?

We love it.

Wonderful.

[birds chirping]

[Mama McGursky] Look at these trees!

This place is paradise!

[Papa] They all look the same.

- You all right there, Papa?
- Right behind you, Mama.

- Exactly where I like you.
- [laughing]

I trained you well.

- Oh, oh! [shushing]
- What is it? What is it?

[chirping]

Do you know what that is?

- What is it?
- If I'm right,

the girls at Simonson's
Portage Trail Nature Club

are gonna be green with envy.

I think
that's a Lesser Antilles bullfinch.

- The less... The lesser?
- The lesser.

The only species of bird

where the female eats her mate
after she copulates.

- [shushing] Oh.
- What's that?

[birds screaming]

Yes.

[exclaiming]

- Oh, oh, you okay?
- Yes!

- [chuckles]
- Oh, bird spunk!

- [laughs]
- Nice.

A souvenir!

[Papa laughs] Oh, yeah.

[Mama McGursky] Betty Jean Davidson
can't top that.

[Tom] All right.
Close your eyes, keep them closed.

You're... You're...
Don't ruin the surprise.

All right. Here we go.
All right. Open your mouth, give me...

Give me a little tongue.

And, okay, what do you...
What do you think of that one?

- So good.
- Right?

- So good.
- Yeah.

- So, now...
- That's the one.

No, no, no, you gotta try more,
you gotta try them all.

- Oh, my gosh.
- All right.

[laughing]

All right. What do you
think of that one? Oh.

Okay.

That one's really good, too.
Did you try that one?

What?

[soft grunt]

I think...
I think it's a Caribbean thing.

Yeah. It's the...

Probably the only person
like that we're gonna see.

She probably...
She's a native, I think.

Okay. Okay.

Mr. Manfred, sir.
How you doing, mon?

Bloody Mary, please.

Look, I know you're a very busy man,
you're here on vacation with your family,

but I would love to schedule some time
to talk about my business proposal.

Open up the dry cleaning
here on the island.

Get this, one-hour dry cleaning.

Well, hello, handsome.

Sorry, I'm, uh, I'm actually
married, I don't swing.

- I love me a silver fox.
- We'll talk, Mr. Manfred.

What's your name?

[Mr. Manfred] What's a silver fox?
I'm sorry, do we know each other?

[pop music playing]

- Hi, darling.
- Hi, ladies.

[Mama McGursky sighs]

You know, it's been years since I've had
a professional massage.

Not quite sure how I feel about another
man's hands running all over my body.

I think Papa would prefer it
if I had a lady.

Where's the fun in that?

Uh, when's the last time
your husband gave you a proper massage?

You know, you're right.

Papa usually just likes
to get right to it.

Last time your father used his mouth
for anything other than...

- Morn, come on.
- Yes, dear, you're right.

- That's too much information.
- No! Too much. Uh-uh.

I'm sorry. Yes, you're right.
You're right.

- No.
- I apologize. I don't...

I just hope that my masseur has,
like, strong hands, you know.

[upbeat music]

Hello. Are you ladies ready?

[Mama McGursky] Oh... oh.

Take that off. Take that ring off.

Oh, my God, yes.

[man] Uh-huh.

Mmm...

[moans]

Uh-huh.

- [moans]
- Mm-hm.

That's great. Yeah.

Mmm...

You know, my family's here.

I didn't realize
how stressful it was gonna be.

[chuckles] Family is just
so boring, you know.

Why bring family?
You should choose your friends.

And I tell you what,
I can be your little friend.

You know, actually,
I'm really excited, though,

I can't wait to move on with Torn.

I mean, I'm in it for life.
I'm excited.

I can't wait, either.

You see, uh, sometimes
the unexpected detours in life

make the greatest adventure.

That's a little low, sir.

You were booked for the full package.

- I'm getting married.
- I know.

Congratulations.

- [chuckles]
- [screams]

This is not what I meant
by full package!

[indistinct]
I'm sorry for the bad touch!

Well, that got weird quick.

- I know, right?
- [door opens]

- [Mama McGursky] Get out!
- Okay.

Nobody touches
the honey pot but Papa Bear!

[man]
That is one crazy white woman.

Ah, just what the doctor ordered.
What are you looking at?

- Yes, yes, yes.
- [Laura] Morn?

Oh, my God, what kind of a resort is this?

[Mama McGursky]
I don't know, but I love it.

Hey, where's the ocean?
That's what I'm talking about.

Yay, get a little pina colada.
Pursue pleasure, indeed.

[Laura] A swingers resort, Tom?

There is no way this is gonna work.

We don't have food, flowers,
the little doily things for the table.

Did you see that guy?
He was like a dick with teeth!

So, is this what's it like
in your big American cities, then?

No, it's Jamaica, man.

Fortunately, I'm not a prude,

because everything
around here is having sex,

especially the birds. [chuckles]

Well, this place is paradise!

Lance, my boy.
How was your trip in, son?

Pretty good. Pretty good.

- Hi, Lance.
- Hi, Morn.

Oh, where are we?
This is the... [indistinct]

I'm sorry, I'm just a little confused.
Why is everybody so upset?

I mean, what's going on?
I mean, how happy are we

that we're not up in Manitoba
for this wedding, right?

I'm getting married at a swingers resort.

[Lance] A swingers resort,
like a nudist colony?

What... are you kidding me?

All right, this all goes back to Tom.
This is Tom's fault.

This is a nudist colony?
You're sick, buddy!

All right. Everybody just calm down,
let's figure out a plan B.

[sighs]

- [man humming]
- [knocking at door]

- Yup.
- Hi, there.

I'm Lance,
are you the manager of this place?

Absolutely. Make yourself comfortable,
take your jacket off.

Okay, thank you.

[groans] Thanks.

Hey, while you're at it, go ahead
and take your pants off, too.

- I'm sorry?
- If you want.

My Pants?

Well, I'm okay, thanks.

[clears throat]

How can I help you, Larry?

It's Lance, but that's okay.

- Well, I wanted to lodge a com...
- Oh, you like that?

It's my ex-wife, former guest.

I wanted to lodge a complaint.

Ooh... [laughing]

You had me worried for a second.

I have a lot of guests come in
here wanting to lodge something,

usually not complaints.

Upper management, at a beautiful
adult swingers resort.

And for the life of me,

I cannot walk out those office doors
without a top or bottom.

Can I help you, Larry?

Well, uh, first of all, this is a topnotch
resort, so congratulations to you.

Um, I was just... Had a question
about the activities.

There's zip line, paragliding,
bungee jumping.

All nude. Those are all totally nude
activities you've mentioned.

That's true.

Actually, the bungee jump is closed
due to an incident last week.

A guy, older fellow...
late 70s, early 80s... jumps.

Old-timer's got incredible form,
his head is at a safe distance,

but his balls extend just enough
to tap the sand really hard.

Put him in the hospital...

died the next day.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Nothing related to the bungee jump.

My condolences.

I think I understand
what's happening here.

[Lance] Look, my sister is getting married
this weekend,

albeit to a total putz,

but still, I wanna make sure
it's special for her

and not a sex surge, do you understand?

♪

I got to thank you for your concerns.

I'm taking baby steps to improving
the staff tact around here,

you know what I mean?

I think you do. [grunts]

Here's what I'm gonna do for you, Vance.

To make sure your stay is comfortable,

I'm gonna give you Groupons
to our best clothing optional classes.

Try to enjoy yourselves.
Take it slow, too.

And that's my advice to you,
Vince, that you do the same.

Oh, look, yoga class, look at that move.

Oh... [chuckles]

Well, no, that is nude yoga.
She is flexible.

[thunder rumbles]

♪

[Mr. Manfred grunts]
No, Bill, can you hear me?

[Tom] Sure you don't wanna
come with us?

Look, I hate to have to say this, pal,
but, uh, we're enemies now.

You ought to know something about me, Tom.

I have a certain set of skills.
Do you know what Krav Maga is?

No.

See this, Torn? It's a fist.

And it might be small,
delicate even, like a snowflake,

but it's not the size that matters.
It's what you do with it.

If you so much as harm
my baby sister in the slightest,

not even the splendid Canadian
nationalized healthcare system

will be able to save you.

And by the way,
that hat's fucking stupid.

Lance, you should come, buddy.

We got a bunch of guys,
no women, it's a perfect sausage-fest.

I like you, Rick, I do,
but, uh, I got a meeting.

Lance, son.

That boy...
[chuckles]

Won't swim, won't play hockey,
always got an excuse.

[music playing throughout]

[birds chirping]

[Tom] This day has been so good.

You boys done got your sea legs, mon?

Yeah, mon.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- Yeah.

Canadian beer, looks good...

Wow, but it's not.

[chuckles]
Moose Knuckle, that's funny.

Torn, Mama says
you designed this label.

Yeah, I did.

Wait, wait.
You designed this label, Tom?

[Tom] Mm-hmm.

- Oh, that's pretty cool, pal.
- Thanks, Dad.

[Ira]
Can I get you boys some weed?

Home grown,
I call it the Rasta Jew, man.

- That's what I call it, man.
- No, I...

I'd end up on the front of that boat
passed out.

That's what happened to the captain.

That's why I'm driving the boat.

- Rasta Jew?
- Yeah, man.

- I'm in.
- Yeah, man.

[pop music playing]

Goddamn.

This is exactly what my old buns needed.

[laughing]

- Mine, too.
- Oh, oh.

What do you all know about being old?

I have shoes older than the both of you.

- I have a present for you.
- Georgia, where'd you get...

- Nice.
- You light that thing up.

Oh! Oh, it's been over 30 years
since I've had a whiff of them, um...

Weed, grass, ganja, gateway drug, yeah.

You know, it seems like just yesterday

we were at Kappa Delta Pi,
doing Jello shots off the swim team boys.

Honestly, we'd start with one up here

- and then you sort of work your way down.
- Hey, Georgia?

- Stop, that's my mother-in-law.
- [coughing]

At the end of the semester,
I had no gag reflex.

That's the only thing
I got out of college, too.

- Right?
- Honey, I am sure that Sherry and I

both have done things we're not
necessarily proud of in our past.

- I used to be a very dirty girl.
- Morn, stop it.

- [Georgia] No.
- Very. They used to call me Mud Pie.

No!

[reggae beat playing]

[grunts]

How you doing?
You got anything, uh,

kind of healthy for somebody
who's trying to get back into shape?

- I got that weed.
- Okay. Thank you.

Looks great. Appreciate it.

I'll have one of those.

You know what?
It's on me, there you go.

It's all-inclusive.

Okay, well, second one's on me, too.

Oh, you're such a gentleman.

Where I come from, I believe...

it's my theory that a woman
such as yourself

should, you know, be treated like a lady.

Where are you from?

I'm from Canada
by way of, uh, Mississippi.

How can you be Canadian from Mississippi?

Well, it's...
Uh, it's a little complicated, you know?

I know complicated.
I was left at the altar.

I woke up yesterday
and my fiance was gone.

Uh... you were left at the altar?

I'd like to meet the son of a bitch,
excuse my language,

that left you at the altar.

That was crazy enough
to leave you at the altar

and teach him a thing or two
about chivalry.

What, teach him...
Teach him about some weed?

No, thanks.
Not right now, hoss.

You know what?

Let's not even think about it, all right?

Here's to new beginnings.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Mango-carrot fusion.
Here's to it.

♪ Jamaica is my home ♪

♪ Oh, Jamaica is my home ♪

- Get it?
- Mm-hmm.

- ♪ Jamaica is my home ♪
- That's a small fish.

I know, I thought
it would be a lot bigger.

Sounds like you've been
enjoying yourself, mon.

Yeah, mon.

You gotta get yourself
a nice Jamaican woman

to make you some
of that good jerk chicken, man.

Hey, anybody else
wanna go out for a swim?

No, mon. Don't do it.

The water's beautiful.
Why can't we jump in?

What happens at Hedonism
stays at Hedonism.

But the sea, she remembers, man.

Few years back,
some of the more adventurous guests

would have the hotel ferry them
out right to this spot here.

They'd take the current
all the way back in,

screwing the whole way.

Called it riding the dolphin, man.

What the hell are you talking about?

That was before
the real dolphins joined in.

Maybe it was the smell,
all them juices percolating in the water.

First they followed them into the shore,
almost like they was protecting them, mon.

Then one sunset, the dolphin jump up,
knocked the man right off his woman.

[dolphin chittering]

Empty bikini washed up on shore, mon.

Ever since, no fucking in the lagoon.

And no swimming in this spot right here.

- I'm not going swimming.
- I'm not going in.

[laughing] I'm fucking with you guys.

[chuckles]

[dolphins chittering]

♪

Why does...

Why do people
always misinterpret who I actually am?

I don't get it.
Everybody seems to like this guy.

I don't get it. I'm just... it's over.

[sighs] Dolphins?

Sherry, Sherry, tell us
some of your wild tales.

[Laura] All right, that's...
That's it, stop.

I don't think we need to go there.
Maybe just another time?

Chill out.

Chill out, babe, come on.

Oh.

[gasps]

You ladies mind if I join?

Yeah... No.

- No. No. Please.
- [coughing]

Please.

[neck cracking]

Um, would you like, urn, to...
To suck... I mean, blow...

Um, do...
Do you want some?

[exhales]
Ladies, ladies.

- I don't bite.
- Really?

Unless you want me to.

[laughing]

- Fish up.
- Pull, pull it in.

Got it. He's coming up.
He's coming up.

- Pull it and get the hook, Torn.
- He's coming up. He's coming up.

[mumbling]
Get the gaff.

Get the hook.
There we go. Keep coming.

You got him. You got him.

Corning up, coming up,
he's coming up.

Grab him, somebody grab him.

- Let me get a pole.
- Here, hold... hold my pole.

- That's a bigger fish than you.
- Look at that.

- Whoo.
- Yeah, baby. Look at that, Torn!

Oh, he's in the water.

- He's in the water.
- Oh, shit, man.

- He's dolphin meat, man.
- Look, you got him.

- [dolphins chittering]
- [yelping]

Ah, dolphin! Dolphin!

- Oh, shit. I'll get him, mon.
- [Papa] You get him! It's your boat.

[yelling] Dolphin!

Something got my leg!
Somethings touching my leg!

[dolphin chittering]

Ayo, weary traveler.

You care for some dark Jamaican rum?

Don't mind if I do.

I'll take a belt right out of the bottle.

Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, change my perspective a little.

- [man] Yeah.
- It's good. That's good.

I'm Lance. What do you go by?

Island Man.

Ain't got no name.

You got this crafty boat here.

Obviously. You can't be no island man
if you don't have a ship.

[Mama McGursky] Oh. Oh, I am still
thinking about that incredible massage.

Oh... [moans]
Me too. [moans]

Oh, the face he did.

[moaning]

Can't remember the last time
Manfred took me dancing.

[moans] Wow. Wow.

Wow. Oh, try this, Georgia.
It's really fun!

You're like a cross
between a unicorn and a stork.

- A stork.
- Georgia.

- [cracking]
- Oh, oh, oh...

- There you go.
- Are you okay?

Oh, yeah.
Something just popped out.

- Are you sure?
- No, it just popped out.

- What's the matter?
- I don't know.

Then they eventually
had their own child,

you know, their real kid.
Their biological child.

And then they tried to get rid of you?

No. She never made me feel less than,
she made me feel like her real brother.

And you know what I did?
I acted like a jerk.

I didn't even protect her
the way I should have.

So like you were the one abandoning them?

All right, look.

Let's go and find your destiny.

Oh, right now?

All right. Let's do it.

I'll have another old swig of that rum.

[Island Man] Go ahead, son.

Tell your tale to the ocean.

[Lance]
They really never stopped loving me.

It was more just me.

It was what was going on inside of me,
and I was just insecure of it.

I mean, I never even
did this with my old man.

[Island Man]
All right. I'll be your poppy.

[Lance] Should I be nervous?
I can't quite see the bottom here, Poppy.

[Winston] Gentlemen,
I hope you had a great day at sea.

- You ready for a party?
- [Tom] I need to go to bed.

I think I got way too much sun today.

[Ricky] What the hell
are you talking about, Tom?

I've been waiting this whole darn time
to get into some nasty trouble.

[Tom] All right. Fine. One drink.

- [people chattering]
- [dance music playing]

Let's take some shots and get fucked up.

[man] Welcome to the par-ty.

♪

- [women laughing]
- I think I've died and gone to heaven.

[Georgia]
Oh! What have you done to yourself?

I don't know, I pulled something.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, and how did you pull that, miss?

Well, it's either dancing
or looking at that beautiful man.

Classic Mud Pie.

Mud Pie and Cotton Candy
are like Thelma and Louise.

Most beautiful bride,
well, this is my stop.

Goodnight, ladies.

- [exhales] That was fun.
- That was fun.

Your father and I are so happy for you.

Of course, we were very worried
about you for a while.

I know.

You know, I'm so excited, too.

He really is the man of my dreams.

Your father's the man of my...

[snoring]

Mom?

Did you...
Did you fall asleep with...

- I'm right here. I'm right here.
- ...your eyes open?

- Again?
- I'm right here.

I'm worried about you.

It looked like you fell asleep
with your eyes open. Mom?

Are you okay?

I'll just...

[reggae music playing]

[birds chattering]
Tits, tits, tits...

tits, tits, tits, tits,
tits, tits...

SWEET... tits, tits, tits, tits, tits,
tits, tits, tits

SWWEEEETTTT

[parrots chattering]
I can't stand these goddamn tourists.

Did you hear...?

No. What?

I heard one of them blew the other one...

His fiancé is gonna be PISSED!

Not as much as she will be
during the wedding.

Yeah... If there's a wedding... HAHA.

[birds chattering] Tits, tits, tits,
tits, tits...

NNNNN... Dicks. Dicks. Dicks. Dicks.
Dicks...

BIIIIGGGGG...
Dicks. Dicks. Dicks. Dicks. Dicks...

[gong rings]

I feel like shit.

Oh, hey, sexy.

You really went all out last night.

Shit.

Don't go.

[door opens, closes]

♪

[Tom] Ricky!

Ricky! Ricky!

Yo, get up, man.
What the fuck happened last night?

- Hey, hey, what happened?
- [grunting]

- We took some pills.
- We took some pills?

Yeah, I'm sorry.
We got fucked up, had some bananas.

Fuck!

What happened with the girl?

[mutters] I woke up in her room and...

- Oh, shit. You fucked her.
- No, I didn't fuck her, okay?

- Nice.
- No, that's not nice!

Oh, this is a bachelor party well done.

- No.
- Yes. [yells]

Well, I had my pants on.
I had my shoes on. And...

Oh, that doesn't mean anything.

This is all your fault.

[Ricky panting]

Fuck!

It was a good night.

Let's do it again.

[man laughing]

[Island Man]
Remember, every man is an island

trying to find his way home.

What did I drink?

[Island Man] Time to go home.

Have faith, and always follow the current,

no matter how rough and tough
the seas may be.

[grunts]

Now, go on and find your next adventure.

Ow! Where the hell am I?
I mean, was this guy real?

[Island Man]
But not that direction. Lord God!

You're going the wrong way.

Gosh, I'm so hung over.

You were supposed
to look after him, Ricky.

I did, I think.

What did you guys do last night?

We just passed out after the hot tub.

I would love to pass out
in a hot tub with you.

[grunts]
I would, I would, I would.

Okay.
For the last time, Ricky,

there is no scenario in which
I will ever sleep with you.

Not even... Not even
if there was a nuclear holocaust

and we were
the last people left on Earth.

Not even if I thought it would cure
cancer, Ebola, and AIDS!

Not even if it stopped people
from voting Republican.

I don't wanna get political with you.

I just wanna have some sex
with you on the beach.

Okay. Ignore them.

What are we gonna do today?

Uh, I think we should probably
just fall asleep on the beach and just...

[man] Hey, banana boy?

I think he's talking about us.

Yeah. I'm banana boy.

Deep throat!

[Ricky] Yep. That's me.

- He's... He's talking to me.
- He's talking to Rick.

This is one of Ricky's things.

- I'm sorry.
- He's a banana...

We... We should just get out of here

- and go hiking around, or something.
- Yeah.

- Bye, guys.
- Love you, bro.

Bye.

So? That was strange.

What exactly did you two
get up to last night?

We acted like true gentlemen
last night, if you must know.

Okay. This was fun.

- See you soon.
- In hell.

Miss you already.

[chuckles]
Oh, hello.

We're here.
The... The... Oh, the...

What she's trying to say is we are here
to see the psychosexual kinesiologist,

who also happens
to be a subdural neuromanipulator.

She's actually a sex coach.

Okay. Well, I just like to say
subdural neurologist

because it makes me feel smart.
[giggles]

Could you go ahead and sign
these first for me, please?

Oh, sure. Sure.

[gasps] Oh, oh, oh...

[chuckles] I got it.

Oh, you're all right.

"Mindful Sexuality." Uh-huh.

"Water Work. Love Your Leather.

How to Dom Your Inner Sub,
Candle Play: Don't get burned."

Sign me up for everything.

Name.

What address?

All right.

Uh, what's "safe word"?

[reggae music playing]

[humming]

Whoo. Oh, that's refreshing.

Oh. Howard Freeman, upper management
and DODC here at Hedo II.

I've been watching you very, very closely

since your arrival here, and...

and I have to say,
you really have a nice way about you.

You're light on your feet, agile,

and I notice when you walk
into a room, just lights up.

Thanks.

You ever done any professional dancing?

No, I... I did a high school,
uh, Sound of Music.

♪ The hills are alive ♪

I bet you gave old Plummer
a run for his money, huh?

Hey, speaking of plumbing,
how are your pipes doing, Tom?

They're good.

The dry-cleaning for your wedding,

it's gonna be nothing short
of perfection and gratis.

What's, uh, what's gratis?

That means on the house, Tommy boy.

I'll see you at the wedding.

[Tom VO] Who the hell was that?

Hi.

[laughing]

This is a double, right?

- Lance, Lance.
- Oh, hi.

Okay. So, something is going on.

- The boys were acting...
- Yeah.

...so weird
at breakfast this morning.

- Super suspicious.
- Something's going on.

Something very, very odd
is happening around here.

People were walking past
and they were shouting things like,

"Oh, banana blow job,
cock cowboy," and "deep throat."

And I think...

Ricky gave Tom
a blow job last night.

Uh... [sucks air through teeth]
Okay.

Well, that's absolutely
gonna devastate Laura.

But nobody wants to listen
to old Lance. No.

No one wants to listen to Lance.

I've had an idea. All right.

I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna fix this.

I'm gonna figure it out.
And then I'm gonna come find you, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay?

Okay. Just call me in my room.

So, you wanna go check out the nude pool?

Ah, there's a nude pool.

She'll come, too.

Strange winds are blowing around here.

[deep breath]

A perfect orgasm

is a confluence of all five senses:

Touch...

Taste...

[sniffs, moans]

Smell...

[moans] Sound...

And sight.

And unroll to reveal your tools.

We will focus on one sense at a time.

Placing all of your tools...

[exhales]

Let your hands and your bodies
express your sensations.

[rhythmic breathing]

- Gentlemen.
- [bell ringing]

We are ready for you to enter us.

You can do this. Yeah!
Yeah, you can.

No, no, stop it.

All right. Come on.

God, I'm a good friend.

[deep breath]

[reggae music playing]

Hey, Mr. Ricky.

Do you wanna order
a cold drink for a thirsty girl?

Yeah, I do.
A lot of tits and ass everywhere.

[exhales]

Hey, Ricky!

Whoa!

I knew you come around
for some of that Ricky dick.

Let's go make a Ricky flick.
Come on.

[whimpers]

Tantric sexual stimulation,

it's about admitting a desire.

Share a desire.

[sex coach laughs]

- That's my finger.
- [laughing]

[sex coach] Share a fantasy
you've never admitted.

- [laughing]
- [spitting]

Meow.

Now, experience your sensations.

- [explosion]
- [moaning]

[snoring]

- [burning]
- [grunts]

[reggae music playing]

[coughing]

- Huh?
- There's a beautiful girl, mon.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
She's attractive all right.

Something about her.

You should go talk to her, mon.

Oh, uh, yeah.
Actually, we already met.

She's, you know,
she's going through kind of a hard time.

- She got left at the altar.
- Yeah, mon.

- Yeah. Very sad.
- Broken heart, mon.

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

You should mend that heart
with big Janelle right there.

Get an orgy going. I can watch.

You take her to the romper room, mon,
and you tie her up like a goat.

No. You're not hearing what I'm saying.

She's a nice girl.
She just got left at the altar.

She's going through kind of a rough time.

If I were to say something to her,
it'd be like, I don't know.

"Would you like to go for a walk
on the beach?" Something like that.

- You see what I'm saying?
- Yeah, mon. Yeah, mon.

- Yeah.
- She is a really pretty woman.

It does seem like she's looking
over here, though.

She's definitely
looking right at you, mon.

- Hold the gaze.
- Yeah. You think so?

She's almost as beautiful as my wife.

- You're married?
- Yeah, mon.

So, what are you doing
in this cabana right beside me?

I was noticing your pants.

They're, uh, really nice.

- What kind of pants are those?
- Oh, you're not Jamaican? Where you from?

I'm actually from Long Island.
But, uh, dual citizen, mon.

Uh... Let me, uh...

Let me press
these pants for you, for real.

No, thank you.

By the way, my wife think
you look like Matt Lauer, man.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I don't know if you heard,

he got into a little trouble
back in the States.

Oh, no, mon.
She's gonna be devastated.

Is he gonna be okay?

Have you been here the whole time?

[exhales]

[pop music playing]

[Tom] All right. I think I hear
the waterfall right over here somewhere.

All right. It's just right over here.

So...

You wanna just take our clothes off?

♪

Are you okay?

Georgia, what did you discover
about Tom and Ricky?

- Uh...
- Did Ricky fellate Torn?

So, uh, Ricky...
Ricky is, urn, straight, yeah.

Straight as an arrow for you, babe.

And, you know,
he's a surprisingly, uh...

deep and, um, spiritual...
philosophical individual.

Very philosophical.
Um, Shakespeare once said...

- Did you blow Tom?
- Uh...

Why are you looking at her?

Simple question;
did you go down on him?

I'm not sure what happened.
It was a big night out.

We took some pills and Tom
woke up in some chick's room.

- But it's all my fault.
- [Lance] Okay.

I'm gonna, uh, go grab a wet wipe.

♪

[Lance VO] Okay. A guy as dumb as Tom

has to leave a few clues
here and there.

Jesus Christ.

Just you, Lance.

[elephant trumpets]

- [moaning]
- Oh, gee.

[glass shatters]

Shit. Luckily, this is all inclusive.

[indistinct chatter]

[door unlocks]

- Ooh.
- Oh.

- Okay.
- Can you get it off?

- Yup.
- Oh.

[grunts]

Ooh!

[Lance coughing]

Dude, what the fuck, man? Shit.

Don't you have any boundaries?

Yeah, I got boundaries.

I also got a couple of questions
for this guy right here, your fiance.

I just had a little chat
with your best man.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Look, Lance, Tom is a good guy.

I love him and we're getting married,

and you have to learn
how to just deal with it.

Oh, you want me to deal with it?

Let me tell you something about
this so-called "good guy," all right?

And this hurts me to tell you this,
but he slept with another woman.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no.

Sit down! That's right, honey.

He fornicated with another girl.

- [Laura] What?
- Yeah. Tell her.

- Explain it to her.
- What is he talking about, Tom?

- [exhales]
- Yeah, what am I talking about, Tom?

You know what?
Let me handle this one.

My investigation so far
has yielded the information

that, uh, there is a woman named Anna.

Does that ring a bell, Tom,
if that's even your real name?

I-I-I... I don't...
I don't know... I don't... I don't...

- [muttering]
- I...

What, is English your second language?

- I... Okay...
- Speak!

- Okay.
- Just tell me what happened.

I... I woke up in another
woman's room and I don't...

- I don't think I did anything.
- Oh, oh, oh.

You woke up in another woman's room?

- Are you hearing this, honey?
- I... Okay.

I had... I had... I had no
shirt on but my shorts were on.

- My shorts were on...
- His shirt was off

but he thinks he had his underoos on.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

But my... My shoes was...
My shorts were on...

- She's furious.
- And my...

My shoes were on and... And I don't...

I wouldn't... I wouldn't do anything.
I know myself.

He thinks that he had clothes on.

Starting to see what I mean here?

I... Dude, that's not...

It's not what you think.
I didn't cheat.

Go walk it off, sis.
I'm right behind you.

You're disgusting. I agree
with what she said a hundred percent,

and so far as I can tell,

you're just one more guy
who cheats on his fiancée.

And I think that that's just horrible.

And this room's a goddamn pigsty.

[door opens, closes]

Mom, Dad, I have to tell you something.

Oh. What the...

- What the fuck?
- [toilet flushes]

You must be the bride.
Congratulations.

- Hi, honey.
- Morn?

[thunder rumbles]

[Lance] He had us all fooled.

I got to admit,
you did seem pretty happy.

And I'm sorry that I wasn't
more happy for you.

Well, I didn't exactly always
make it easy for you to be happy for me.

You don't have to say that.

I'm just sorry that I never
really tried to understand you.

Hey, to me, you were the only person

that never really
did understand me, all right?

And, well, I'm sorry I didn't
treat you like a real brother.

Lance, you're better than any real brother
I could ever ask for.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Please, just talk to me. Please.
- Don't talk to me.

I can't even look at you.

Excuse me.
Is everything okay?

No, I need a car to the airport.
I'm leaving.

- What about your beautiful wedding?
- It's not happening.

At this point, it's too late.

There is no cabs, no flights out.

Winston, she's got to fly out tonight.

I'll get her a cab
and the first flight out in the morning.

It's a great idea.

Tonight, you either stay with Georgia
or you stay with myself.

And buddy, your ticket's been punched.

Laura, come this way.
Thank you, Winston.

You know, it would've been
such a wonderful wedding.

[pop music playing]

- Morning, son.
- Morning, Dad.

[groans]

I don't really know what to do.

I thought it was
what you and Morn have.

Well, your morn and I have...
discovered new things, too.

We've been together a long time
and the flame starts to die a little bit,

you know, not like that seven-year itch
kind of thing,

but something a whole lot more.

You know, so you try something.

You don't think you're gonna
like it, but you do.

So you try something else.

You know, every time I see you
and Laura Jane together, I...

I just think,
"Boy, don't ever lose that."

[sighs]
You think it's too late to fix this?

Well, son, in the end, nothing's too late.

Dad, what do I do?

I can't tell you that, son.

That's up to you to decide.

Worst fucking day ever.

Hey, man, can I get a couple,
um, a couple shots, just...

just line them up here,
and I'll take them.

[pop music playing]

Tommy, you look ridiculous.

So what? You fucked up.

Now listen to me carefully.

I have three words
of advice for you, kid.

Chase your dreams, fulfill your destiny,
and go get a haircut.

You look like a moron.

Quit feeling sorry for yourself.

Sober up, take a shower and go get her.

And use deodorant. I'm a hallucination,
I can still smell you.

Mr. Tom, hurry up, mon.

She's a runaway, mon.

All right, let's go, let's go.

All right, Andy.
Rip these roads, mon.

[Tom] All right, let's go.
How long until we get there?

- Two hours, mon.
- [Tom] Fuck.

He's cute.

- He is hot.
- So wasted.

I couldn't even take his shoes off.

- That's how loyal he is.
- Wow.

Oh. Who's Laura, anyways?

I don't know. I don't care.

- Oh, man.
- I just love him.

- Laura, I need to throw up.
- It's a shame.

- Laura.
- He loved his fucking girlfriend.

- Who's Laura?
- Oh, fuck!

- Laura.
- Who's that?

All right, thanks, guys.

[Andy] All right, Tom.

[Ira] Make sure you tell her
that you love her

and that she's
the only woman in the world,

and you take her to the romper room
and you tie her up like a goat.

All right. Thanks. Yeah.

[people chattering]

[phone ringing]

- Hello?
- [Georgia] Laura?

- Georgia?
- I have something to tell you.

Laura, can you hear me?

- I can't... I can't hear you.
- Laura, he didn't do it.

♪

I really...
I really messed up,

and I can't stop
thinking about you and I was...

I was... I was running around
the hotel looking for you and...

Stop. I know you would
never do anything to hurt me.

This weekend has been...
It's been crazy,

and with, you know, the family and...

I can't imagine my life without you.

- I just-I just had-had to tell you.
- Can you just shut up and kiss me?

[pop music playing]

Hey, uh, Mr. Manfred, sir.

- Mr. Manfred, sir?
- Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.
This isn't a bad time, is it?

I was hoping I could maybe talk to you
about that business proposal.

Do you have a few minutes to talk?

[chuckles, sighs]

How much?

Uh, I'm sorry. I don't...

How much?

How much for you to leave me
and my family alone

for the rest of our lives?

Five hundred?

Half million dollars?

Oh, no, no. No, no, no.
Not a half million dollars,

like, I was thinking $500.

I... I... I already got 1,500 saved up

so that would put me at 2,000
which should be a nice nest egg

to open a little dry cleaner
right here on the island.

[chuckles]
Who do I make that out to?

Ira Goldstein, sir.

Good job.

Good doing business with you.

On second thought,
would you maybe, uh, pay me in cash?

Check's totally fine.
Don't even worry about it.

Thanks, Mr. Manfred.

[glass clinking]

[Lance] Uh, first off, I've been
down here a couple of days now,

and I've gotten the chance
to know both families

and talk to a lot of people
about Tom here,

and I've heard what a charming,
kind, smart fella he is.

And, uh, I'm the luckiest guy
in the world,

because he's gonna take care
of my baby sister, which is great.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thank you.

- Great job, Tommy. I'm proud of you.
- Well, we did it, didn't we folks?

Huh?

[man] Yeah.

I don't think that any of us
thought that we would end up here.

- [laughing]
- Two great, very different families.

Laura Jane, I am honored
to call you my daughter.

Um, if I... If I could just take
one more second

to say something
to my beautiful wife, Sherry.

For so many years I have been
obsessed with my work.

But I've realized that... the only
thing that matters is you.

[applause]

But the one thing I hope these kids learn

is that it doesn't matter
where you are or when it is.

But if you have the person you love

standing next to you by your side...
[chuckles]

you're in the right place
at the right time.

And if you have that,

you will have something that will see you
through a whole host of hard times,

which include, but are not limited to,

the occasional dalliance,
premature ejaculation,

no ejaculation, hemorrhoids,

that thing they do
where they grind their teeth,

insomnia, loose teeth,
failing vision, halitosis.

Menopause.

[applause]

I can't wait to spend
the rest of my life with you.

- [applause]
- [glass clinking]

Give it, boy.
Give it. Go.

[pop music playing]

[reggae music playing]

[dolphin chittering]

There's a...

There's a... you got a dolphin...

Hey! Hey!
Look! Look to your left!

To your left! No, I'm not
waving to you. No!

[grunts]

[dolphin chittering]

[dolphin] Retreat.

We'll be back.

[grunts]

I'm great.

You saved my life.

If you can believe it,
I'm terrified of the water.

At least I used to be.

You're my hero.

I'm not a hero.

I'm just Lance.

Lance, kiss me, you fool.

[upbeat music playing]

[birds chattering]
Tits, tits, tits...

tits, tits, tits, tits,
tits, tits...

SWEET... tits, tits, tits, tits,
tits, tits, tits,

♪

[laughing]

The director is losing it
in the background.

[laughing]

[Lance] Just because
you don't know where you are,

doesn't mean you're lost, Lance.

It sounds like something Poppy would say.

I guess it all worked out for the best.

That being said, where the hell am I?

We are about to have our sixth kid.

And Mr. Manfred, sir,
we're gonna name that kid after you,

and I don't care
if it's a boy or a girl.

Take me.

But you see, that's an area I actually
don't have a complaint about.

Papa, although he looks
large and heavy...

- is large and heavy.
- [coughing]

[ukulele playing]

[Ricky] I'd like to dedicate a song

to all the girls that slept with Ricky.

Uh, uh, uh...

Come back.

[Ricky] Yup.

♪ Ricky's all up in ya ♪

♪ Ricky is a ninja ♪

♪ Ricky's all up in ya ♪

♪ Ricky is a ninja ♪

♪ Ricky's all up in ya ♪

♪ And Ricky is a ninja ♪

♪ All up in Jamaica ♪

♪ Ricky's all up in ya. ♪