The Swearing Jar (2022) - full transcript

[people chatting & laughing]

[glasses clinking]

[cellphone record button dings]

Okay.

♪ You're an asshole, an ass hat
An ass-blowing shit mind ♪

♪ A cunt, yes, a cunt
The US, not UK kind ♪

♪ A dipshit, a tit brain
A dim motherfucker ♪

♪ A camel-toed, chesticled
Stunted fist sucker ♪

♪ Happy birthday, baby ♪

♪ Celebrate your own way ♪

♪ Laughter
Gets us through the worst ♪



♪ Fills our purse with joy ♪

- [applause]
- [woman] Whoo-hoo! Carey!

[man]
Yeah, Carey! Whoo!

Carey has requested
that all the guests

make a video message.

Hm.

[party horn blaring]

Am I waiting
for a countdown or what?

[audience applauding]

- [Owen] Here.
- Thanks.

[audience whooping
and applauding]

Happy birthday,
Mr. Popular.

And thank you.

[inhales sharply]
That was a stupid thing to say.



♪ I'm a dick, I just suck
I'm the worst fucking human ♪

♪ A butt job, a nutsack
A shit-licking poo man ♪

♪ A pole-smoking write-off
A shit pile congealing ♪

♪ A thunderpuss scared
Of whatever she's feeling ♪

♪ Happy birthday, baby ♪

♪ We'll celebrate
Our own way ♪

♪ Laughter
Gets us through the worst ♪

♪ Fills our purse with joy ♪

[Carey] Thank you all
so much for coming.

It's, um...

you're awesome.

I... I have
a thousand things to say.

So, I am... I'm just not gonna
say anything and, uh...

we're gonna begin with, uh...
Thank you.

Um...

I'm gonna begin
with the first song

that I ever wrote for Simon.

It's, uh,
it's called "Too Smart."

- [woman] Whoo!
- [lively guitar strumming]

[Carey]
Uh, I should just say,

I wrote this
after a few martinis.

So, this is more like

the fantasy version
of our first date,

which isn't far from what
actually happened,

except that, in reality,
we slept together

- on the first...
- [lively guitar strumming]

♪ I awkwardly smiled ♪

♪ You awkwardly knew ♪

♪ That I would be yours
One day ♪

♪ And you came out
And told me that, too ♪

♪ And you're awfully smart
I thought ♪

♪ And much too stubborn
For me ♪

♪ But somehow I want ♪

♪ I thought need
I thought lust ♪

♪ For conversations with you ♪

♪ Awkward me
Meets witty you ♪

♪ Does her best
To play it cool ♪

♪ Awkward girl
Meets mental giant ♪

♪ Careful not to be reliant ♪

♪ You awkwardly watched ♪

[biker] Hey, watch it!

♪ I awkwardly tuned ♪

♪ And asked you
About all your goals ♪

♪ All the things
That you wanted to do ♪

♪ My face showed no sign ♪

♪ But still your face knew ♪

♪ That six
Short months later ♪

♪ My too smart love ♪

I'd be married to you.

- [Simon] Watch a doin'?
- [she gasps and sighs]

- Nurturing my weaknesses.
- [Simon] Uh-huh.

And telekinesis
is first on the list?

Cooking, you weirdo.

I'm glad you're in my life,
you know that?

- What did you break?
- Nothing.

- Nothing, I'm just feeling...
- Guilty?

Grateful.

Good.

You're about to get gratefuler.

Oh, gratefuler's not a...

You're just gonna leave
the whole place like this?

[Simon] Hey,
this is a total disregard for...

I have some news.

- Well, so do I.
- You look dapper.

- Well, that's not news.
- Were you at a funeral?

What? No.

I had
that photo shoot before my...

Dapper? Really?

Huh, thank you.

I'm kinda itchy, though.
I think I'm allergic to tweed.

Can... can you remind me
to get a toothbrush?

- Mine fell in the toilet.
- Okay.

So, does your news
by any chance involve Ritalin?

Uh, no, it, uh...

it involves, uh, eggs.

Disappointing.

And, uh,
and... and... and your penis.

Intriguing.

And something cute and small
that you've wanted

for a long time.

What's that?

You're getting my hopes up
right now.

And if you're talking
about a bunny,

- I will never forgive you.
- [laughing]

What would your penis
have to do with a bunny?

Carey. Hey.

Are...

Are you...

Wha...

Holy shit!

No. No, no, no.
No more swearing.

We... we have to be
role models from now on.

Well-rounded role models
who... who... who cook.

Holy fucking shit!
We're having a baby!

We're having a... [gasping]

Oh, wait, wait.
This isn't a joke, right?

No, that would be mean.

You've done that
kind of thing before, Carey.

Never again... no swearing,

no takeout,
no unmotivated cruelty.

[Simon sighing lovingly]

Holy frickin' poop!

I know, right?
Wait, where are you going?

Uh, I need to get some air.

You can't tell anyone yet.

[Simon whooping loudly]

[Simon] Yes!

[Carey] Wait, what's yours?

- What, what? My what?
- [Carey] Your news.

- Pales in comparison.
- [Carey] I thought it might.

[Simon]
Bill! Guess what?

Today is epic! Okay?

Uh, we're getting a bunny.

[Bill] Oh, well, keep it away
from my daughter, Savannah.

- She's stronger than she looks.
- [Simon chuckling]

[tranquil music plays]

[sighing]

Holy shit.

[passionate guitar strumming]

♪ The night we fought
I told you that I hated kids ♪

♪ The night we fought
You lied that you do, too ♪

♪ But when I lay beside you
With my hand on yours ♪

♪ I knew I wanted kids
With only you ♪

♪ You were soaking ♪

♪ And I knew I wanted kids
With only you ♪

♪ The night you got so drunk
You won your poker game ♪

♪ I tucked you in
And watched you ♪

♪ While you snored ♪

♪ And though
I'd always thought ♪

♪ Love was a fantasy ♪

♪ That's'cause I'd never been
In love before ♪

♪ You were drooling ♪

♪ And I'd never been in love
Like this before ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Whether it's right
Or wretched ♪

♪ Don't go ♪

♪ Baby let's make
This one night stand ♪

♪ You won
What you came for ♪

♪ The girl
Who you wanted to land ♪

♪ Without playin' a hand ♪

♪

- Oh, no!
- [Simon] Shh, shh, shh!

[Carey giggling]

♪

This is why we need
pre-natal classes.

[Simon]
Still cute, though.

♪ So, on this night
I'm telling you ♪

♪ I'm yours for life ♪

♪ And on this night
I know you feel it, too ♪

♪ And one day
When we're old and grey ♪

♪ And have ten kids ♪

♪ We'll laugh about the things
We thought we knew ♪

[crowd whooping and applauding]

Jamar? James? Jasper?

- Oh, Jesus.
- Too hipster?

Boring.

You're grumpy today.

Well, thank you for saying so.

That always helps.

Jesus counts as a swear word,
by the way.

Five bucks in the cursing jar.

Okay, if there is a jar...
And, just as an aside,

no one under the age of 80
uses the word "cursing"...

It isn't activated

until both parties
are aware of its existence.

And five dollars?

You're insane.
That's way too much.

- Honey.
- Yes, love muffin?

Why are you reading
the obituaries?

Because I'm being
a responsible husband.

Looking up baby names.

- Simon, they're dead people.
- [Cyrus] Cocksmith?

- Double latte?
- Uh, that... that's mine.

- Thank you.
- [Simon] Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.
- [Carey] Thanks.

- Sorry.
- [chuckling]

[Simon]
It shocks me that people

go through life
with these names.

Eleanor Farts, for example.

- That is not in there.
- [Simon] Yeah, it is.

Eleanor Farts.

[chuckles]
I mean, what kind of life

must she have had
with that name?

[Carey] Was she married?

Uh, da-da-da-da,
yada, yada, yada.

"Loving wife to Lewis."

[Carey & Simon]
Lewis Farts.

- And she took his name.
- [Simon moaning]

Oh, man.

[sighs] They had kids.

- Fucking car accidents.
- Whoa!

All right.
[Simon clears his throat]

Hey, you're gonna get us banned.

- What?
- It's your rule.

With the swearing.
Let's go.

[blissful music]

Fine.
Yeah, we can do that.

Great. Good.

- All right.
- [Simon] Mm-hmm?

- Mm-hmm.
- Check in there.

[Carey] I have so much money,
it's just...

Hey, can I borrow five dollars?

[laughing]

Ah!
[clearing throat]

[laughing]

Oh, this is a good one.

Monica Motherfucker.

[Simon] Seriously.

[Carey] Ooh, Lavinia.

I like that one.

Lavinia.
I'm gonna add it to my list.

[Simon groaning]

What?

[sighing] Well,
Lavinia is a character

from a Shakespeare play.

Perfect,
it'll make us sound smart.

[Simon] She had
her hands hacked off

and her tongue cut out.

See, that right there is why
I don't like Shakespeare.

Yeah, you always
stick to the comedies.

There's fewer amputations.

"How happy some
o'er other some can be.

Through Athens
I am thought as fair as she."

Um, why do you know that?

I trod the boards.

Yeah,
a few times in high school.

That is a shameless lie.

It is not a lie!
I never lie.

Midsummer Night's Dream,
tenth grade.

Winter's Tale, eleventh grade.

Midsummer Night's Dream,
twelfth grade.

Were you the donkey?

I'll have you know that I won

the Holy Blessed Sacrament's
Dramatic Arts Award

for my portrayal...

of a young lover.

- I... I am very proud of you.
- Thank you.

Why haven't you bragged
about this before?

Because, I...
[clearing throat]

...played Helena.

- Excuse me?
- I played Helena!

[laughing]

It was an all-boys school
and I was skinny.

And had rosy cheeks
and a demure disposition.

Oh, my God,
can you please do another one.

Absolutely not.

I will let you win
the next three fights.

- "And I, an old turtle."
- You played a turtle?

What? No. It's a metaphor.
It's from The Winter's Tale.

"And I, an old turtle,

- will wing me..."
- Turtles can't fly.

I believe Mr. Shakespeare
is referring to a turtle dove.

Well then why doesn't he
just say

- turtle dove?
- Oh, God.

"And I, an old turtle,
will wing me

to some withered bough,

and there, my mate...

that's never to be found again,

lament...

till I am lost."

[Carey giggling]

That's enough
couple time for me.

I like that quote.

- Will you write it down for me?
- Aha!

A born-again fan of the bard.

Wait, wait, wait.
Come on, where are you going?

I need to wing me to school,

where 36 minds are waiting
to be shaped.

- On a Saturday?
- Yeah, we have band practice.

Oh, I wasn't aware
that band could shape minds.

Huh.

Wait!
I wanna give you something.

- No!
- [Simon] Yes!

- No.
- Please, please, please.

- No!
- I'm not gonna do anything.

I don't trust you,
even a little bit.

[Simon] I won't do anything.
Come here. Here.

[kiss smacks]

What was that for?

I just haven't kissed you
in a while.

You kissed me this morning.

- Shh.
- Ew. [laughs]

Shakespeare is...
Shakespeare is depressing.

Don't be depressing.

- =Be this guy.
- [Simon] Hmm.

Yeah, you know that's me, right?

Yeah, look how happy you are
with your big, white teeth.

Ah, the better to eat you with.

- Ew. No.
- [Simon] No?

- Yeah.
- [Carey] Okay.

Okay, I'm going upstairs.
Go buy oat milk.

Yes, dear.

[Carey laughing] What?

What is going on?

[laughing]

[enchanting music]

[Carey laughing]

[laughing] Oh, my God.

[laughing]

♪

[Carey laughing]

♪

[sighs]

[lively & enchanting music]

Babe!

You were... it's your...
In the window.

I can't hear you.

I hate this game.

What? You're...

Where are you going?

♪

It helps while you're working

to seem like you want to be
here, Owen.

Let's role play.

I'm a customer,
I am bleeding from the head,

and I'm looking
for the hospitals.

You should probably
just go to a hospital.

So, I'm like,
"What do you hear? Nothing.

Because you're listening
to old person music."

Hi!
Can I help you find something?

[man] Yeah, I'm just looking
for the philosophy section?

♪

Do you need a pen?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Okay, uh, I...

I can find one. Here.

I am your man with the pen.

He... here, um...

Thank you.

Um...

sorry, what are you doing?

I mean, sorry, what are you...
What are you writing?

Lyrics. Sort of.

[Owen]
Oh, you write songs?

Sort of.

Always in bookstores?

Not usually.
It's been a weird day.

Could I see what you got so far?

Um...

- May, the 4th.
- [Owen] Like, the date?

Yes.
But also the title.

"May the 4th be with you."

[chuckling] No.

You play guitar?

I do... I do. But I quit.
I... I'm more of a singer.

But I quit that too... it's...

Well...

yeah, it's a long story, so...

Oh, I got time.

- I do not.
- I'm Owen.

Yeah, I... I got that.
Your name tag.

Okay, it was nice to...
Thank you, Owen.

♪ You ♪

♪ You came along ♪

♪ And you found your way
To me ♪

♪ Through a... ♪

♪ Through that
Deep bullshit sea ♪

♪ From which
I'd been drinking ♪

No, too gross.

♪ From which I'd been... ♪

♪ Drowning ♪

♪ You took... ♪

♪ My cautious hand ♪

♪ And you asked me
To be your wife ♪

[jar rattling]

What?

You said bullshit.

- [Carey] No, I didn't.
- You sang it.

- Sing-swearing doesn't count.
- Oh!

♪ I wish
You fucking told me that ♪

♪ You fucking asshole ♪

♪ 'Cause I really
Really, really like ♪

♪ To swear ♪

[Carey laughing]

So, what are we gonna do
with this, huh?

- It's for the baby.
- Boring.

All right,
you know what we should do?

We should save up
for a, uh, for a vacation.

In, like, Cuba or something.

Yeah, 'cause
communism is so relaxing.

North Korea? [chuckling]

Um, are you scrap booking?

[sighing]
It's just for work.

What is with you?

[mockingly]
What is with you?

Um, and by the way,
I hate to break this to you,

but, uh, we're not gonna be
able to afford a vacation

for at least, like, three years.

[groaning]

I think we're gonna have to
do it sooner than that.

[gasping]
Oh, my God! You'll be 40.

[Simon] No, I won't.

Yeah, you will. I mean...

- No. 40 sucks.
- [Carey laughs]

I'm not gonna be 40. Nope.

I'm not gonna be 40,

because I'm never, ever,
ever gonna be 40.

Are you actually upset?

[scoffs] No.

Good. It's settled.

The money goes
to a big fat 40th birthday

with 40 little candles
on a 40-inch cake.

♪ Why you gotta be
A bitchy bitch ♪

♪ With a baby in her belly? ♪

[cellphone ringing]

Oh, are you cheating on me?

I'm not the one eyeing baristas.

- Two ché.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Touché.

- Ah?
- [Carey] To...

- Touché.
- [Carey] Two ché?

[Carey]
You speak French?

Je speak lebest French.

- Oh, boy.
- Mm-hmm.

[Carey] Mm-hmm.

Um...

[Owen] What are you looking for?

Uh... what?

[Owen] Um, well,
you're... you're here, so...

- I figure you must want a...
- [Carey] Oh! I...

...un livre.

I, um...

an art... art book.

[Owen] Okay, we have that.
Um, anything specific?

Like...

Drawing?

[Owen] All right.

♪

So, you're a musician
and an artist?

[Carey] Oh, God no.
I can't draw a happy face.

I just thought...

creative outlet, you know?

Other than music?

[Carey] Yeah.

[Owen] Why not just
get better at, uh...

music?

- Thanks.
- No, I'm...

- [Carey laughing]
- I learned French as a child.

Obviously.

And, um, then
I studied Spanish and Latin

in high school,
and then a year ago

I... I studied, uh, Korean,
when I cracked my patella.

You... you speak five languages?

No, I... I speak no languages.

That's my point.

You know,
if I would've stuck with French

I would be fluent and I could
be the Prime Minister by now.

Instead of slinging books
and answering to a toddler.

- Uh...
- Well...

- [Carey] Oh, right.
- [Owen] Mm-hmm.

- Right.
- [Owen] Sorry.

- I'm not so good at, uh...
- Talking?

Striking people.

I mean,
with striking people, you know?

Not actually striking them.

I'm in a band.

Cool. Cool.

[Owen] I don't know why
I said... I mean I said that

'cause I just
want you to know I don't...

It's not what I do, work here.

I mean, I work here,
but it's not who I am.

Not that I judge people
who do do just this.

- [laughing]
- I'm sweating.

- [Carey] Yeah.
- Uh...

[Carey] Uh...

I wondered...

I'm wondering, if maybe

you'd wanna grab a coffee
with me sometime?

Oh, wow.

Uh, I can't.

- Of course.
- I would... I would love to.

- Um...
- [Owen] But?

- I can't.
- [Owen] Mm-hmm, yeah. Mm-hmm.

[Carey] I...
I'll have a think about that.

- [Owen] Mm-hmm.
- All right.

I still didn't get your name,
by the way.

It's really nice
talking to you, Owen.

[doorbell ringing]

[Simon groaning]

I hope you weren't smoking
on the lawn.

I wasn't smoking,
I was quitting.

[Simon]
With a cigarette in your mouth?

It's unlit and it's menthol.

- This is phase two.
- And what was phase one?

[Bev]
Switching to menthol.

You've always smoked menthols.

Phase one is a very long phase.

- [Simon groaning]
- May I?

[Carey] Please do.

[Bev]
So, why am I here?

Because you missed us?

[Bev]
No, I got a message from Simon.

"Please call me, Mother.

I have
important news, Mother."

[Simon] Yeah, so,
the normal human response

would be to just call back.

[Bev]
I tried that several times.

Oh, damn,
I must have hit the red button

instead of the green one.

Well, it's...
It's so nice to see you.

I... I can't think of anything
he'd need to tell you.

Especially not now, this month.

What's the news?

Yeah, Simon, what's the news?

You...

[groaning] Um...

you know, that, uh,
we've decided to, uh...

you know, to get some help.

With, uh, the...

baby making.

What Simon means
is... is that we've decided

to start trying,

and, so, if all goes well,

we'll... we'll have
some actual news sometime soon.

- And... and then...
- [Simon clears his throat]

...we can wait until
the first trimester is over

and we'll let you know.

[sighing]

We're having a baby.

- Simon!
- [Bev] Oh, lord.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, yes, mother. We're sure.

- You're gonna be a grand...
- No. Don't you dare.

A baby.

I... I... I...
I'm only at ten weeks.

- Nine and a half weeks.
- Very different from the movie.

A baby. A baby.

[laughing] A baby!

And, actually, it feels
kinda good to tell someone.

[chuckling]

Just because I'm not frowning,

doesn't mean
you're not in serious trouble.

Didn't understand any of that,
too many negatives,

just gonna keep smothering.

You need to work on
delivering good news.

That message was somber.

- [Simon clearing throat]
- [Bev] And, uh...

I...

well done on the...
On the baby making front.

You will be a wonderful mother.

- Oh, thank you.
- [Bev] Thank goodness.

Because if he's anything
like his father,

you'll be bringing it up alone.

- Excuse me?
- [Bev] What?

He abandoned us.

And that kind of thing
can be genetic.

He didn't abandon us, he died.

He did that, too.

[Simon] Okay, you know what,
this has been great.

You should really invite
yourself over more often.

No, hey, don't be so sensitive.
I was just pointing out...

I'd rather be like him than you.

- Simon!
- And there we go.

[Carey] He didn't mean that.

- [Simon] Yes, he did!
- Um...

I... I'll get you
a glass of water, okay?

[Simon] No, you cannot possibly
take her side on this one.

I am not taking anyone's side,

because I'm an adult,
not a six-year-old.

[Carey] Can you stop
putting glasses on the bottom?

She makes me wanna
kill people with my hands.

Then why did you phone her?

Nice secret-keeping, by the way.

You should be a spy!

I didn't think
she'd actually show up.

You're not supposed
to tell anyone.

I know, I know, I know.

But don't I look handsome?

Hm? Mmm.

[sighing]
I am gonna go out there.

[scoffs] And I'm gonna
make her feel better.

And then
I'm gonna come back in here

and you're gonna
make me feel better.

Wait, can I use
the magic sex pinkies?

Not this time.

Bev, I...

I'm too upset to hydrate.

I'm... I'm really sorry.

[Bev] He can be cruel.

Sometimes.

He doesn't get it from me.

He... he might've gotten
it from me.

[scoffs]

- He loves you a lot.
- [Bev] No.

Aside from me,
you're the only person

he's comfortable being mean to.

Ah, lucky us.

Hm.

Relationships are hard work.

As many of you know. Uh...

[woman]
You can say that again.

We all do...

Sorry, I didn't mean
you two in particular.

- [laughter]
- You seem, um...

Just... Um...

We all do stupid things

and we make mistakes, but...

when you're wildly in love,
you find a way

to move past these mistakes.

'Cause it's a rare
and miraculous thing...

to find your one,
true soul mate.

[whispers] Owen.

[energetic guitar music plays]

♪ You ♪

♪ You came along ♪

♪ And you found your way
To me ♪

♪ Through all the mystery ♪

♪ I thought I had ♪

♪ And you ♪

♪ You loudmouth, you ♪

♪ You talk
At the same time as me ♪

♪ But that doesn't guarantee ♪

♪ That you're not listening ♪

♪ Before you
Love was a kick in the teeth ♪

♪ 'Cause most men are scared
And the others were cheap ♪

♪ But you weren't scared
To be mine ♪

♪ To be kind ♪

♪ And you ♪

♪ You came along ♪

♪ You duck-paddled
Your way to me ♪

♪ Through that deep
Dirty sea ♪

♪ In which I'd been drowning ♪

♪ You took ♪

♪ My cautious hand ♪

♪ And you asked me
To be your wife ♪

♪ To swim together
And build a life ♪

♪ Choke on laughter together ♪

♪ And I thought love was
Like sickness and death ♪

♪ You know
That they're coming ♪

♪ But you don't hold
Your breath ♪

♪ But I did not know a tenth ♪

♪ Of love's strength ♪

♪ Until you... ♪

[dissonant guitar strumming]

[strumming stops]

Sorry,
I can't remember that one.

[scattered applause]

Okay, yeah, we'll...

Uh, we'll just go on
to the next one.

["Trouble" by Tallies
plays in headphones]

- Whoa!
- Hi, sorry.

- I'm sorry. Whoa, hi.
- [both laughing]

I'm... I'm sorry.
Are you... you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right, I...

My upper back's
really sensitive.

- I didn't see you.
- Oh, I...

You look nice.

Thanks.

Did I look
a little rough last time?

No, no. No.

I mean,
you looked a little tired,

and your... your nose was red.

Like you'd been outside.

[laughing] Wow.

In a good way.
In a cute way.

Like an Irish person
or a Scottish person

or someone with a...
Fair complexion.

- You know what I mean?
- Hm.

Anyways, yeah. Hi.

- You look nice today, too...
- Thanks.

- ...Owen.
- Thank you.

Um...

I'm Carey, by the way.

I... I don't think
I... I actually told...

- Told you that last time...
- It said it on your card.

- Right.
- Which you gave to me.

- Yes.
- [both chuckling]

Uh, thanks for your email,
by the way.

- Made me laugh.
- Good.

- [laughing]
- That wasn't my goal, but good.

My goal was...

to get you
to email me back, but...

[Carey sighing] Um.

Um, yeah, a... about that, um...

Hey, but you're here now,
so that's a nice surprise.

Full of surprises.

Um, I, uh...

um...

I shouldn't have done
that the other day.

Uh, given you my card.

I'm... I'm...

I'm just not in a...
A... any position to be...

You know, I... I... I can't...

be going on dates,

so I shouldn't be giving
out my card willy-nilly.

Did you come
and see me to tell me

you can't come and see me?

[Carey laughing]

Um...

I really liked meeting you.

I... I just... I have a situation.

Situation?

Are you taken?

- Taken?
- Yeah.

Taken.

Uh, no, I'm not that.

I'm, uh...

just...

Do you wanna grab a coffee?

Yes.
I... [sighing] I can't.

No.
Okay, how about just a walk?

Let's just walk.

[sweet music plays]

- Yeah, okay.
- Yes?

- Yeah. Okay.
- Yes? Fabulous.

Let's go right now.
Come on.

What?
Aren't you on the clock?

No, doesn't... well,
I am, but, doesn't matter.

Come on, let's do this.
To the walk!

You... [laughing]
...do you have a question?

I was going for the high five,
you know?

Oh! [laughing] Okay.

Um, okay.

- Okay. [laughing]
- Come on.

[Carey] Yeah.

[school bell ringing]

[school hallway din]

[girl] Oh, yeah, no,
that job will suit you better.

My parents are gonna hate you.

Okay, I'll see you at rehearsal.

Keep practicing.
No excuses.

[Carey] I... [sighing]

Dreadful age.

Can be.
That one's a good egg.

I... I... is something wrong?

Why?

Y... you just... you've never
come here before.

Ever.

Today is the day...

my husband left me.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Well, I mean...
No, no, no, not today.

It was... it was years ago.

- Yes. Yeah, I...
- I've had a few Manhattans.

You've earned them.

You wanna know
what destroyed my marriage?

I mean, besides the fact

that he slept
with hundreds of women.

I mean... I mean... I mean
literally hun... hundreds.

- Sounds exhausting.
- Uh-huh.

Secrets.

Secrets killed the marriage.

Now, I know...

that he is not a good
communicator.

But that just means
that you have to try.

Even... even if it means

opening up a box of worms.

- Can of...
- Can of worms.

- Oh, baby.
- [Carey] Ah...

Reflex.

Um... [chuckles] I'm sorry.

[Bev grunts with surprise]

[girls snickering]

- [Bev] Uh...
- Bye, girls.

Those three are dreadful.

Maybe I'll let Simon
handle the teen years.

So, you're, uh,
happy now, aren't you?

Yeah.

Cling to it.

Memorize it.

They always leave.

[cellphone buzzing]

[groaning] Shoot.

[hospital din]

[babies crying]

[Dr. Rose] She's having a baby,
she needs to know.

[Carey] Uh, I'm so sorry.
I totally forgot.

She's been doing that a lot.

Well, she's here now,

so you can speak
to her directly.

- [cellphone buzzing]
- [Dr. Rose] It's not a problem.

Um, I wanted to talk to you
about your period.

[cellphone keyboard clicking]

- Buy me dinner first.
- [Dr. Rose laughing]

[Dr. Rose] What was day one
of your last cycle?

[phone keyboard clicking,
cellphone buzzing]

Two months ago,
three months ago...

- I think she's talking to me.
- Well, then answer her.

Dude, it's your mother.

She showed up to my school,
drunk, so, you know...

- worth responding.
- What?

What did she say to you?

[Dr. Rose] I'll give
you guys a couple minutes?

No, we're good.
I'm sorry.

We... I just need to check
my period tracker

that's on my phone

that my husband confiscated,
so, just...

- It's okay.
- [he clears his throat]

[cellphone keyboard clicking]

[groaning]

[Dr. Rose]
Take your time.

Okay.

Uh, thanks.

So...

[Dr. Rose chuckling]

[Dr. Rose] Looks like
your due date is actually...

- November 12th.
- [chuckling]

That's my mother's birthday.

Yay.

We'll do a quick examination

and then we'll look
into finding you an OBGYN.

- Okay.
- [Dr. Rose] All right.

[bittersweet music plays]

[Carey] That's mature.

Why were you so rude in there?

Honestly,
I'd rather wait until...

Are you going through something?

Am I... wow.

I mean, is there something
on your mind?

Huh, I don't know,
what's on my mind,

episiotomies, placenta,
giant effing needles

- in my spine.
- Come on.

Loss of bowel control,
ripping of any kind.

I don't even like children.

- You're a teacher.
- Exactly. So I know.

They're manipulative

and they're too stupid
to even hide it.

They're us, but worse.

Why would I wanna
go through all that...

That pain and puffiness
just so I can bring a bald,

mini version of myself
into the world,

and teach it all the things
that are wrong with us,

plus new things... no thanks.

- Carey.
- What?

I have a headache,
and you're ranting.

You always have a headache!

And you're ranting.

- [groaning] Oh, my God.
- I don't want a baby.

- [Simon] Yes, you do.
- My body, my choice.

You've been taking pre-natal
vitamins since we met.

Because they're gummies
and they're delicious.

♪

- [door slams shut]
- [Simon] Okay.

- You told me you wanted this.
- [Carey] I know.

Okay, so what is going on

and why is it going on
so fucking loudly?

Stop. Not right now.

Are you okay?

You're the one that's acting
like Satan's evil wife.

Wouldn't that make you Satan?

[groaning]

Ever since
I told you about the baby,

- you've been acting weird.
- [he scoffs]

If it's gonna change
everything, then...

Are we seriously
having this conversation?

Maybe we aren't ready.

We've been ready for two years.

I know, I... I just...

I don't wanna feel
like I'm doing this

- all by myself.
- You're not.

You're not, you...

[groaning]

You could.

What?

You could.
You could do it by yourself.

- So could I.
- That's what I'm talking about.

It is weird to say that
to your pregnant wife.

[Simon] I have never
wanted anything this much

in my entire life.

Then why are you being weird?

How? How? How?

Please,
tell me how I'm being weird.

You're...

[sighing]

You're being so nice
all the time,

and you're not maintaining
eye contact.

Carey, Carey.

Please. Listen to me.

Is it possible, possible...

is it possible...

that this is hormonal?

Is it possible...

that you are an ass face?

Are you okay?

[Simon sighing]

No.

What? Hey.

Hey, no, no, no, no,
no, I just...

- I just meant that...
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Carey. Carey.

Why... wh... wh... wh...
What do you mean... why?

- Are you... do you hate me?
- [Simon] What?

[Carey] Are you cheating on me?
Fuck...

- What?
- Are you... are you sick?

- Carey, what is going on?
- Why aren't you okay?

- [Simon] What is happening?
- I get cramps. I get cramps.

- Why aren't you okay?
- I... I... I just meant that

I could never be described
as okay, okay?

- I'm exquisite.
- Are you joking?

- You're joking right now?
- What?

I... no, I'm just trying
to lighten the mood.

But now I can see that this was
probably not the right time.

[Carey panting]

- Swear to me.
- What?

- Swear to me.
- Come on.

- Fuck balls.
- Nothing about this is funny.

Swear to me that everything is
okay, that we're gonna be okay.

- Oh, my God, okay, I swear.
- Make it official.

- [she laughs]
- What?

[Carey] Make it official.

What... it's a totally
different kind of swearing.

- I'm being serious.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

I...

Simon Patterson, swear...

that everything is okay.

Expand. [she laughs]

I swear that I do not hate you,

I swear
that I am not cheating on you,

and I swear that I am not...

I'm... I'm fine, okay?
I'm fine. We're fine.

You're insane, but we're fine.

We're fine.

[Carey sniffles, laughs]

[sniffling] I love you.

But if you leave me,

I will track you down
and I will kill you.

And I will support you
in that decision.

We can make it through anything.

We just have to do it together.

I know.

I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.

That conversation just...

[exhales sharply]
...got away from me.

[sighing]

♪

See?

[buoyant guitar music]

♪ Every time I leave ♪

♪ I think
Of all the times before this ♪

♪ Waving casually ♪

♪ Doesn't matter
If you noticed ♪

♪ May the fourth is here ♪

♪ Faster than in years
Before this ♪

♪ My mistakes are clear ♪

♪ You're too far away
To notice ♪

♪

Maybe not here.

[exciting
and amorous music plays]

- [Carey] Okay.
- [Owen] Oh. All right.

♪

♪ And I take all of you ♪

♪ For granted ♪

♪ Every part that I ignore ♪

♪ And if you tell me ♪

♪ Only you now ♪

♪ I will lose myself
For sure ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ But every time I leave ♪

♪ You wait peacefully ♪

♪ You wait peacefully ♪

♪ You wait peacefully ♪

[Owen]
Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Okay, I have to think of one.

[chuckles nervously] Um...

well, do you want kids?

Yikes, that's a...

That's a bigger question
than I...

Okay, do you snore?

Um, I do not snore,

but I occasionally sleepwalk

and I sleep-punch.

First girl I ever dated
punched me in the face.

Gave me a black eye.

- [Carey] In her sleep?
- No.

Uh, then how does...

- How does that relate to, um...
- I was asleep.

- What... what did you do?
- Well, I woke up.

- No, to deserve that.
- Nothing.

She was reaching
for the alarm and missed.

Her depth perception was off.

- Cool story.
- [Owen] Thank you.

- You go.
- All right.

Oh, I got a really good one.

Um...

what do your parents do?

Nothing. They're dead.

- What?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Mine, too.

You wanna talk about it?

Uh...

- Yeah, I don't really either.
- [both chuckling]

What about your job?
How did all that come about?

You mean why does an adult
have an adolescent's job?

No. [Carey laughs]

I did... I didn't mean it like
that at all.

I mean... [chuckles] No.

Really? I think you did.

[laughs] I didn't.

It's hard to make a living
as a musician.

- News flash.
- Yeah, it certainly is.

I mean,
I open for big bands sometimes,

and I do the odd orchestral gig,

but there's not a lot of
money in it, so...

You play classical guitar?

I... yeah,
it's not my focus, though.

What's your focus?

This strange woman
I met at a bookstore.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

- [item thuds]
- Oh.

You're honest, aren't you?

You're a good person.

That kinda feels like a trap.

I don't know if I am.

I feel guilty
all the time, and...

like I don't even
deserve to, um...

I've been thinking
about you a lot.

Not a creepy amount, but...

I think you're...

I find you to be...

[sighing] You make me nervous.
Does it show?

Hardly at all.
[giggling]

I... it's been lovely
getting to know you.

Is what I mean to say.

Yes, it has.

- Ah, shit.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm... I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean...
- I'm sorry.

Thought it would
feel worse not to try.

- Turns out I was wrong.
- Uh...

[sighing] I'm sorry.

Um...

play something?

I... [Carey sighs]

[guitar strumming]

♪ Sittin' on the ground ♪

♪ How could you seem
So strong? ♪

♪ How could you seem
So wise to me? ♪

♪ If you'd written back ♪

♪ Would we have
Both jumped in ♪

♪ Or would we miss
The mystery? ♪

♪ Sittin' on the ground
How could we ever know ♪

♪ That you would mean
So much to me? ♪

♪ Wish I found the words
Wish I had summoned angels ♪

♪ Found my bravest bravery ♪

Is that the end?

♪ Wet hair, face bare
I don't care ♪

♪ Your smile was all it took ♪

♪ Ghost, ignore me
Build a wall ♪

♪ I'm taller than I look ♪

That's the end.

[serene and dreamlike
music plays]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Um, hi.

Ah, uh...

Uh, h... how are you?

I've been better.

♪

You know, actually,
I... I... I have to go.

Uh, the car.

Y... you know,
the... the parking meter.

Yeah.

That was weird.
Who was that?

[shaky voice] Um...

[sighing]
How does that happen?

Why do things like that
always fucking happen?

- Um...
- Who was that? You all right?

[Carey] Yeah, uh...

- Simon's mother.
- Who's Simon?

I... I just... I just
haven't seen her in a while.

Um...

Carey, who's Simon?

♪

My... my husband.

Right.

[somber music plays]

[cellphone buzzing]

[snorts]

[knocking on door]

[Carey] Um, honey?

Yes, sugar shorts?

What's with the disguise?

Oh, my eyes are just
bugging me. [sniffles]

I pumped myself
full of drugs and...

blocked out all the light.

[Carey]
You should see Dr. Rose again.

I'm telling you, it's a penis.

Wh... what?

It is not a penis.

I think it might be.

Well, then,
our child has a penis

- growing out of her foot.
- [Simon] His foot.

I'm positive it's a girl.

Yeah, I think so, too.

What?

Why have you spent
the last four days

defending an opinion
you don't actually hold?

I find conflict sexy.

I find being right sexy.

Oh, well then I guess

we're both feeling pretty sexy.

Not really.
I'm too bloated.

I'll give you this, though.

Whoa!

[Carey]
For the spank bank.

- Oh, that's filthy.
- [Carey laughing]

That's even worse than swearing.

Spank safe, bank safe,
context definitely counts.

[Simon groaning]

So many rules.

Okay, well...

if our penis-footed
friend here is actually,

in fact, a girl,
what are we gonna name her?

'Cause I like...

Gretchen.

- Gretchen?
- Mhm.

Gre... [grunts softly]

"Hey Gretch, go fetch."

Nope. Too many dog jokes.

No, no, it's more like, um...

- "That Gretchen...
- [Carey chuckles]

...she's so fetchen."

"Hey, Gretchen,
where's Hansel?"

[both laughing]

[Simon]
That doesn't make any sense.

I like Rachel.

- Rachel?
- Yeah.

Rachel, like...

- "Hey, Rachel."
- Yeah.

"Rachel, hey, come here.

Come here, Rachel.

- Rachel, you smell like a..."
- [Carey laughing]

Actually,
Rachel's not the worst.

[both laughing]

Thank you for forgiving me.

For what?

For turning into
a raging psychopath.

Oh. [sighing]

- Which time?
- [laughing]

[Simon groaning] Okay.

[Corey chuckling]
What is happening?

- [Corey laughing]
- [Simon groaning]

Um...

did... did you take ecstasy?

- [Simon groaning]
- Corey giggling]

[Simon] No.

But I do need
another coffee, I think.

Muah.

Do you want one?

- [Carey] Oh, I'm pregnant.
- What?

Does this mean
we're having twins?

- No caffeine.
- [Simon] Oh, okay,

white wine then.

- Pregnant.
- [Simon] Sashimi.

- Pregnant.
- Unpasteurized dairy products.

- [Carey] Go away forever.
- Okay.

What if it's a boy?

Uh, we can sell him.

[Corey laughing]

I'm talking about names.

[Simon] Um...

I don't know, Gretchen is nice.

Oh, what about Seitan?

- Satan?
- [Simon] No, Seitan, like the...

The meat substitute.

[Corey snickering]

You're a maniac.

[Simon] You're the one
that eats that shit.

That's five dollars.

- Was it worth it?
- [Simon groaning] God.

You're the one
that eats that "poo."

You are so unsupportive
of my vegetarianism.

[coffee grinder whirring]

[Simon] I don't think
if you eat chicken

you get to call
yourself a vegetar... tarian.

I'm a chickatarian.

Tough crowd.

Maybe I should drink wine,
maybe it'd make me funnier.

Simon?

[laughing]
Are you ignoring me?

Simon?

Simon?

What... babe.

Simon?

[panting] Simon?

Babe.

- [kettle squealing]
- Wake...

wake up.

[sobbing] No.

[sobbing] No! No!

No, no, no! [sobbing]

[strange & beautiful music]

♪

[indistinct sighing]

♪

[singing continues]

My boy.

[singing continues]

[rain pounding]

[knocking on door]

It... it's raining.

I can see that.

Like, really raining.

End of the world raining.

Guess you better come in.

[thunder rumbling]

[rain patterns]

[Carey] I... I'm sorry
for just showing up.

I...

I left you
a few messages and I...

I wasn't sure if you got them.

I got them.

Well, I just wanted to, um...

[Owen] Secrets are a bit of
a deal breaker for me.

Lies, even more so.

You should've just told me.

It would've changed everything.

[Owen] Yeah, it would've.

And why would you
kiss me if you were...

why would someone do something
like that if they're married?

- [rain pounding]
- It-it's not that simple.

W... we can...
We can do this another time.

Um, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

I just really liked you,
y... you know?

I'm sorry.

I don't want your sympathy.

- That's not what I mean.
- [Carey] Yeah,

I... I don't want
sympathy, either.

For what?

I... I'm gonna tell you this
and then I'm gonna go.

I'm not married.

I was married.

I feel married.

[rain pounding]

But I'm not.

He died. My husband.

[rain pounding]

Wow.

What?

Uh, you just didn't say sorry.

Everyone always
apologizes when I...

When they hear, and, uh,

it always makes
the repressed comedian in me

want to say
"Why did you kill him?"

I always thought
it would be nice for someone

to just stay quiet.

[rain pounding]

How long has it been?

No time.

A lifetime.

Three years.

Well, it was three years
on May the fourth.

- May the fourth.
- [Carey] Um,

I'm gonna head out now.

And, uh...

maybe we can talk
later about art,

or clowns or something.

Uh...

just not... not this.

Anything...

anything but this.

Um, I... I'm sorry
for kissing you.

I liked you, too.

[rain pounding]

[sighing]

[Carey] Old chocolate.

Ew, Simon. Gross.

Huh. [chuckling]

- In his pocket.
- Yeah.

Why don't you take a break
from this for a while?

I don't know how to do this.

[Bev] I know, dear.

[Bev sighs]

I know
that I am not always the...

warmest, or the best.

But I am there for you
and your daughter.

Uh, or son. [coughing]

Now. [sighing]

I'm gonna smoke this.

I'm gonna go outside,
I'm gonna light it,

and I'm gonna smoke it.

[sighs]

[sobbing softly]

[paper rustling]

What the fuck?

Bev.

Bev.

- Bev, Bev.
- You alright?

I found this.

[Bev] Oh, my dear. That...

[Carey] This is...
This was in his pocket

in with the candy wrappers
and the fucking... Sorry.

- Did you... did you read it?
- Only the beginning.

There...
Those aren't good results.

"Berry aneurysm?"

I... I don't even know
what that... is that what it...

- Look, le... let's go inside.
- [Carey] No, no, no.

I... I... I...
He must've not understood this.

I have to call Dr. Rose.

It's not her fault.

No, Simon wouldn't have
kept this from me.

He... he told me everything.

He... he...

I mean he... he gave me
daily updates on his...

On his bowel movements,
for fuck sake.

For God's sake.
For fuck sake!

- You... you're pregnant.
- I'm fine. What...

No, no I... I mean
that maybe he thought

in your condition
you couldn't handle the news.

The news that he was dying?

Simon doesn't lie.

Bev, h... he...
H... he... he didn't lie.

He told me everything.

He didn't tell you about this.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You're gonna have to...

spell this out for me.

You're saying that...

he knew he was sick?

He... he didn't know,
obviously, how sick.

He couldn't
have known how sick, right?

We should've told you.

He told you?

[sighing]

Why would...
Why would he tell you?

Because I'm his mother.

Why... why wouldn't you tell me?

[Bev] He asked me not to.

I... I... I'm his mother.

I mean, he... he's my son.

I'm sorry, I need you to leave.

[Bev] No, Carey, we can
get through this together.

No, I will never
get through this.

[sobbing] I will never
get through this.

My husband is dead
and now you're telling me

that... that I didn't know him?

We're having a child

and he won't be here
for any of it.

[sobbing]

And he... [sniffles]

...he made that
decision without me

and he... he had no right.

No right, and he is a liar

and he's a dick.

- [Bev] Carey.
- He's a son of a dick.

There is some truth there,
his father was...

[Carey] No, you.

You allowed this to happen.

We were trying to protect you.

Well, you didn't do
a very good job, did you?

I'll come by tomorrow.

[Carey] No, you won't.

[sighing]

Carey, please.

I have no one else to...

I'll come tomorrow.

[breathing heavily]

[heavy breathing]

[purposeful & rhythmic music]

[Carey singing]

♪ The way to a man's heart ♪

♪ Is right through
His stomach ♪

♪ The way to my heart's
Through my chest ♪

Clear up your fucking stuff!

♪ You, only you know
The way to my heart ♪

♪ So you pull back the skin
And you press ♪

♪ And you hear the cracking
And you hear the snapping ♪

♪ And you keep on
Pushing until ♪

♪ You found what you wanted
Your hand's on the prize ♪

♪ And my warm, beating
Heart starts to chill ♪

♪ And we are angry ♪

♪ We are fighting ♪

♪ We are loving hard ♪

♪ But you stay with me ♪

♪ When I'm angry ♪

♪ So keep it, keep my heart ♪

♪ The way to a man's heart ♪
Is right through his stomach ♪

♪ The way to your heart's
Through your mind ♪

♪ It's sharper than mine is
It's crueler than mine is ♪

♪ It's default is witty
Not kind ♪

♪ We fight and we fall
We get drunk, we get small ♪

♪ And it's not even noon
When we're done ♪

♪ I cannot make the hit
'Cause you've already quit ♪

♪ But you cannot
Contest that I've won ♪

♪ And I am holding ♪

♪ Of your [indistinct] ♪

♪ But I never knew ♪

♪ That it was with me ♪

♪ All this time, I ♪

♪ Kept it safe for you ♪

♪ We fight and we fall ♪

♪ We get drunk
We get small ♪

♪ It's not even known ♪

♪ When we're done ♪

♪ I cannot make the hit ♪

♪ 'Cause you've already quit ♪

♪ But you cannot contest ♪

♪ I have won ♪

♪

[Gretchen] It bit me.

Oh, no.
What bit you, honey?

The flower.

[Carey] The flower bit you?

Oh, no.

Should we go get a band-aid?

Yeah, we should
probably go get a band-aid.

Okay, do we want...

do you want a superhero
or a mermaid?

- Super maid.
- [Carey] A super maid?

Yeah, we could definitely use
one of those around here.

[doorbell ringing]

[Carey] Is that
the super maid at the door?

What?

Okay, you choose, honey.
I'll be right back.

Alright? And then
we're gonna go take a nap.

Uh-oh.

The stalkee
has become the stalker.

I hope this isn't too bold.

Bo... bold is good.
I... I like bold.

Uh, it's just...

a... actually,
c... come on in, yeah.

- Sorry.
- [Owen] Uh-huh.

Your house is... not small.

- Dead parents.
- Right, right.

I inherited the house, the debt,

and a questionable
oil can collection.

All I got were night terrors.

[chuckles softly]

[sighing]

I want to thank you
for your message.

I didn't offend you
with the whole...

"let's be friends" thing?

That wasn't my favorite part.

[Carey] Yeah, um...

Do you have a train fetish?

[Carey] Oh, no, uh, they,

uh, actually belong to my, uh...

- Son?
- [Carey] Daughter.

- Oh.
- [Carey] Yeah.

Wow.

I don't think
you mentioned that.

I didn't want to lay
all of it on you at once.

You didn't lay any of it on me.

I'm working at being more open.

[Owen] Mhm.

- Um...
- [Gretchen] Mama!

- Oh.
- [Owen] Whoops.

I'll be right there, honey.

- I'm gonna go.
- No, please. Don't.

Because she's just about
to go down for a nap.

Come on.

Peanut, Peanut, honey,
come meet mama's friend.

- Are you sure?
- Hi.

- This is Owen.
- Hey.

- That looks serious.
- [Carey] Yeah.

A flower bit her finger.

Uh, okay.

[gasping] Oh.

I'm the pirate
and you're the bunny.

[Carey chuckling]

You need help with that?
There you go.

Good girl. Whoa.

You look like a real pirate.

- Are we gonna fight?
- [Gretchen growling]

[Carey] Are you gonna
have a picnic?

Oh, really?
I mean, my last picnic

was a bit of a bust, but
maybe I'll make an exception.

What do we got in there?

It's milk.
We're having tea.

- [Owen] Oh.
- Oh.

On our picnic, was that your
mother-in-law we ran into?

- Bev, yeah.
- [Owen] Yeah.

Yeah.

Is she okay?

Um, I don't... I don't know.

I, uh, that was the first time
I've seen her in a while.

Does she live out of town?

- Or...
- Um...

Hey, hun,
do you want to go upstairs

and go get your art stuff?

Yeah? Yeah.

I'm sorry,
I... I didn't mean to...

- Oh.
- Um...

It's fine. I, um...

Uh, I'm happy to talk about it.

- Happy to talk about anything.
- Except that you...

I haven't seen her
since before the funeral.

She didn't go to the funeral?

I didn't go.

[Owen] Um, s... so,
how... how did you, uh...

how did you say goodbye?

To her? Or...

No, to him.

Um...

[Owen] Listen to me.

I like you.

I... I can't. I...

I wanna be your friend.

You kept some pretty
important stuff from me,

and I still don't
totally understand that,

but I'm not going anywhere.

If you ever need somebody
to give you advice,

or just someone to talk to,
I'm your man, okay?

I mean your person.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

My first piece of advice,
for instance, would be to...

get in touch with
your mother-in-law.

Whoa, don't hold back. Yeah.

Living with guilt
all the time is no way to live.

She's...

she's a bad influence.

I know. She's unpredictable,
and she smokes, and...

I smoke weed now and then.

That's fine, I would too,

but it makes my eyelids
puff up, so, I can't.

I think you should phone her.

She lied to me.

People lie.

Hey, I was wondering.
Do you want to play with me?

[laughing]

Music, I mean.

Do you want
to play music with me?

- I... I would love to.
- Cool.

I think I'm gonna have a lot
more free time on my hands.

- [Carey] Did you...
- I quit my job, yeah.

- That's amazing.
- Thank you.

I felt I wasn't gonna get
anywhere with it

unless I fully committed to it.

- Right.
- Yeah, you know?

It.

Um...

so...

friends, right?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Friends. Okay.

[tranquil & dreamlike music]

[Gretchen] Mama!
I couldn't find them.

Um... Oh, my God.

We... we can, um...

We can continue
this conversation...

Yeah, at some other time.

- Like, in a week? Or...
- I... I'll call you.

Yeah, I'll call you too.

Seems excessive, but, um...

[both chuckling]

♪

[Owen] Okay.

We're gonna be serious.

- Cats.
- Why?

Because you can leave
them at home at night

and they don't mind.

How do you know?

Fair point.

- I'm getting a cat.
- [Owen] Really, what kind?

Lynx.

Wow. A lynx.

Well, that is a bold choice.
I'm impressed.

Her daycare
did a project on Alaska.

- [Owen] Oh.
- Do you play guitar?

I do.

Wow. Not a music fan?

- Short attention span.
- [Owen] Hm.

I don't know where she gets it.

- Hm.
- [chuckles]

Oh, honey, remember I told
you to be careful with that?

- Is that your mom's guitar?
- [Gretchen] Yeah.

Okay.

It's very pretty.

- [guitar thudding]
- Oh, yeah, oops.

You told her to be careful,

then I'm the one
who hit it on the table.

Do you want me
to play something?

Okay. Um...

this is something
I think your mom

should help me write lyrics for.

[guitar strumming]

What are you lookin' at?

I don't believe
in collaboration.

And yet it exists.

[Owen singing]

♪ I think you do
You just don't want to ♪

♪ You can write
Better than me ♪

♪ So try to help me
Write this song... ♪

[Carey laughing]

Maybe he does need
some help, right?

Maybe he needs some help.

♪ 'Cause I need
Some help please ♪

[Carey and Gretchen laughing]

Or I could just roll
with those lyrics.

- [giggling]
- You know what,

I don't need your help anymore.

I got it.

[guitar strumming]

[Carey] Thanks for meeting me.
For showing up.

All you ever had to do was ask.

This arrived at my home.

[Carey] Yes.

I don't understand it.

It's a birthday invitation.

You're throwing him
a birthday party?

A birthday party slash
concert slash wake.

A little late for that,
isn't it?

[Carey] Yes, it is.

[Bev] Why send one to me?

Because Simon would've
wanted you to be there.

[Bev] Oh, I see.

And when did, uh, Simon's
wishes become important?

- Bev.
- [Bev] Simon would've

wanted me
to know my granddaughter.

I made a mistake.

[Bev] A mistake? [chuckling]

No, buying twin sheets for
a queen-sized bed is a mistake.

Skipping your husband's funeral,

abandoning
his one living relative,

not allowing his mother
to know her own grandchild

when that is all
she has left in this world,

that is not a mistake.

That is an abomination.

Allowing you to know her?

You know where we live.
You could've just...

[Cyrus] Hey, Carey.
Free sample?

[Carey] Um...

no, I'm... I'm sorry... no thanks.

Cyrus, this is my, uh...

my...

[Bev] Oh, no.

I'm not gonna do this.

You... you knew where to find us.

- Why didn't you just...
- [Bev] Don't you dare...

put this on me.

[Carey] I'm sorry, I...

I... I... I was in shock,
Bev, I...

My son made a decision.

I respected it.

[Carey]
I understand that.

Now that I'm a mother
I understand a lot of things...

[Bev] He was wrong.

We were wrong.

[sighing]

I wracked my brain
trying to figure this out.

I guess he was thinking that...

well, he didn't wanna
ruin everything.

He wanted...

life with you to stay the same.

We... [grunts]

What you had
was rare and miraculous.

Maybe he was afraid
to tarnish it.

Here's your coffee.

What I did to you
was unforgiveable.

I think I just...

[sighing]

I...

I needed someone to...

To blame.

[both] Yeah. Yeah.

So did I.

I would like to meet
my granddaughter.

You will. You can.
She knows all about you.

- Oh, dear.
- [Carey chuckles]

[chuckles] She knows
that you're Daddy's mom

and that you make
a world-famous pecan pie.

Uh, nah, I buy those.

Bu... but I can
always heat it up.

[both chuckling]

You look well.

Thank you.

[cell phone buzzing]

[Bev sighing]

Is that your boyfriend?

No, he's... he's not my...
he's not my boyfriend.

I... I don't think
I can go to this.

Okay.

I have, um, tennis.

I'm taking lessons.

At... at night?

All the time.

[cell phone buzzing] Uh...
he's very persistent.

Um...

Oh, well, just... one second.

[cell phone buzzing]

Be right back.

Hey, uh, can I call
you back in a... in a...

[enchanting & beautiful music]

...a second?

♪

She... so she's doing well?

Oh, that... okay.

Tha... thanks so much, Bill.
Yeah.

Alright I... I'll come by
and I'll pick her up tomorrow.

[Corey chuckles]
Okay. Alright, bye.

- She's good.
- Yeah?

- All good?
- Yeah.

- Good.
- Yeah.

♪

Yeah.

♪

[both] Hi.

♪

Whoa. Hey. Uh, um...

I'll show you upstairs.

[both] Yeah.

So, this is Peanut's room.

It's, uh...

it used to be a makeshift office

and I would...
Yeah, um, but then-

and then I turned it
into the baby room.

The... the room...
Room for the baby.

This is the bathroom, obviously.

Uh, so there's a...
A shower in there and, um...

a sink and a... a toilet.

This is the bedroom.

♪

Um... it's been a while.

We 100 percent
don't have to do this.

But I want to.

- I want to.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Yes. I want to.

♪

I have an idea.

- [Carey] Whoa! [laughing]
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

That was a terrible idea.

- I just-I thought...
- [Carey] We should, uh,

we should think less.

[pleasant guitar music]

Fancy.

♪ Slowly
I will slowly try to ♪

♪ Slowly dip my toe ♪

♪ Into the tune of two
Instead of ♪

♪ Only me alone ♪

♪ Over, under
Inside, outside ♪

♪ Dust begins to blow ♪

♪ Revealing something
You're not meant to know ♪

♪ Always he is in ♪

♪ My thoughts ♪

♪ Close my eyes and there ♪

♪ He walks ♪

♪ Slowly disappears ♪

♪ Oh so slow, my dear ♪

♪ Still I hold your hand ♪

♪ You are there and here ♪

♪ Daily I would
Daily cry and ♪

♪ Daily fear the day ♪

♪ When I would
Skip a day and they ♪

♪ Would think I was okay ♪

♪ Never love, no, never will ♪

♪ The joy
Would shroud the pain ♪

♪ The pain is you and ♪

♪ You must always stay ♪

♪ Always you are in ♪

♪ My thoughts ♪

♪ Close my eyes and there ♪

♪ You walk ♪

♪ Slowly I will try ♪

♪ Slowly I'll get by ♪

♪ Her hand now in mine I see
How quickly life can fly ♪

[music fades]

[dog barking]

[birds chirping]

[Carey grunts softly]

[tranquil music]

[Carey] Pink heart?

And what else did you draw?

- Who's that there?
- It's Dad.

Oh, yeah? Is that Dad?

That's Daddy. Who's that?

- That's you.
- That's me.

Where are you?

♪

[sighing]

♪

Honey, I just got an idea.

I'm gonna go get...
Get a glue gun

and we're gonna put
sparkles on the letters.

Does that sound good?

Yeah? Okay.

♪

[music continues]

[chuckles]

[exhaling]

Simon and I once agreed
that his 30th birthday

was the worst day
of our entire relationship.

- [audience laughing]
- Um...

I forgot that
it was his birthday,

and in an unforgiveable
reversal of roles,

he brought me breakfast in bed.

Huevos Rancheros, muy caliente,

- just the way I like it.
- [audience laughing]

Um... which I
proceeded to spill

onto our white, designer duvet.

[audience groaning & laughing]

[Carey] I... I yelled at him...

for handing me my plate
before I was ready.

And he locked himself
in the study

and wrote a short story
about a Mexican witch.

[audience laughing]

Um...

when I realized
that I had forgotten

my husband's 30th birthday,

I decided to whip up
a surprise chocolate cake.

Unfortunately, I somehow mixed
my earring into the batter,

so Simon spent
the remainder of his birthday

having emergency dental surgery.

[peaceful & somber music]

[Carey laughing]

[laughing] Oh, yeah?

[Simon laughing & moaning]

♪

- [Dr. Rose] I'm so sorry.
- What do you mean?

[Carey whimpering]

- I can't.
- Okay.

[Carey sobbing]

I can't.

♪

[Carey] Simon brought this up
many times over many years.

But for some reason
I never actually apologized.

[Carey sobbing]
Oh, no, I can't. I can't.

♪

Um...

I was never
very good at apologies.

♪

[Bev] I swore off men
after the cancer.

[Carey] Oh, my God.

- I didn't know you...
- [Bev] Oh, no, not the disease.

That's what I call
my ex-husband.

[Carey laughs]

So, you see,
I am hardly the person

to ask for romantic advice.

Oh, I'm not...
I'm not looking for...

it's casual with me and Owen.

Uh-huh.

[Gretchen] Give me that.
It's mine.

Hey, honey. Gentle.

The boy started it.

You know, I...

I have to wonder.

What do you think
would've happened

if you had died
and Simon had lived?

He would've been a great parent,

for starters.

Better than I am.

She's a wonderful girl.

[Carey]
Simon would've moved on,

that's for sure.

But everything
would've been different.

I would've told him
about the aneurysm.

We would've got
through it together.

We would've had a plan,
you know?

All Simon ever thought about,

all he cared about, was you.

So, just...

go after what you want.

[Carey]
Thanks for doing this.

- I know it's a bit weird.
- [Owen] It's not weird.

- It's not weird?
- Nah.

- Is it weird?
- Nah.

- It's totally normal.
- [Carey chuckles]

The guy I'm sleeping with

playing guitar
at my husband's wake?

Guy you're sleeping with, huh?

Ouch.

You know what I mean.

[Owen] Yeah.

W... we should
move these off the stage.

- Owen.
- I want you to hear

what it sounds like up here
with the monitors on, okay?

[guitar strumming]

♪ I'm just the guy
She's sleeping with ♪

Stop. No, no.
You know what I mean.

Come here.

I'm an A-hole.

Maybe a tiny one.

A tiny A-hole?
Is that worse or better?

I mean, it's... it's like this.

[Carey laughing]

It's not good.

Can we please
not think about it.

- I don't wanna think about.
- [Carey laughing]

[both] I'm sorry.

[Carey humming]

[guitar strumming]

What are you humming?

- Hm?
- What are you humming?

What is that?

It's stuck in my head.
I, uh...

I have been playing around
with some lyrics

and I thought that we could,

uh, maybe... maybe sing it last.

So, you've been playing
around with lyrics to my song?

Huh? Hm?

- Isn't that a collaboration?
- [Carey] Shh. Shh.

I think, technically,
that would be called...

God, I love you.

[Carey] Um...

um...

if, uh, if you wanna back out,
I understand.

I can accompany myself.

[Owen] No, you can't.

Owen, it is too soon to be
telling each other that we...

You introduced me
to your daughter.

[Carey] You showed up
to my house.

Don't do that.

So, what... what?

Is this not going anywhere,
or are we just screwing?

Screwing?

[scoffs] What?

Y... you make it sound
like we're...

[Owen] Having an affair?

That's what it feels like.

We are having an affair.

Don't you understand that?
I am cheating on him.

He's dead, Carey. He's gone.

[Carey]
Don't say stuff like that.

It's true,
it's been three years,

- and pain for you...
- If you say move on,

I will punch you in the crotch.

I was gonna say be happy.

I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.

But you have nothing
to feel guilty about.

I regret it.

Okay?

I regret giving you my card
and I regret sleeping with you.

- That's nice. Thanks.
- [Carey] No, you're amazing.

You... you...

do things...
That's not the point.

I'm so...

Everything was going so well.

My job was fine.

I'm a reasonably good mother.

I don't cry every day.

It took me
so long to find my way,

and when I'm with you I just-

I feel like I'm... I'm lost.

What's wrong with being lost?

[Carey]
As many of you know,

today would've been
Simon's 40th birthday.

I would probably have
teased him for being old.

But he was also, undeniably,
much too young.

Um, before we finish off

I would like to thank
this amazing man, Owen.

[audience whistling
& applauding]

For playing
and singing so beautifully.

I couldn't have
done this without him.

Any of it.

Uh, it's been three years
since Simon and I started this.

I'm half proud
and half horrified to say that,

even after throwing this party,

it still contains 2700 dollars.

[audience laughing]

The remainder of which will
go towards a vacation

for myself and my daughter,
Gretchen.

- [man] Aw.
- Gretchen, it...

How old are you?
How old are you, Peanut?

[audience chuckling]

Close enough. Yeah.

- [audience chuckling]
- Um...

last but not least, uh...

I would like to thank Simon...

for bringing joy
into my life for 12 years.

And the lives of everyone
he met for 37 years.

Happy birthday, my love.

[Simon exhales sharply

Hey.

Hi.

[Simon]
When did you get home?

Since when did you take
afternoon naps, old timer?

[Simon] Hm.

I had a wicked headache.

Wicked.

[chuckling]

Are you okay now?

Yeah.

Are yous okay?

[Carey] Did, uh,
today's headache damage

the grammatical part
of your brain?

[Carey] Oh, yes.

We's is fine.

Me and Rachel.

- [Simon] Gretchen.
- Rachel.

- [Simon] Too tired to fight.
- [Carey chuckles]

Score!

Well, if anything
ever happens to me...

I'm not having
this conversation.

I want you to take
a vow of celibacy.

[laughing quietly]

You are the love
of my life, you asshole.

That's five dollars, please.

It's in the kitchen,
and it's already full, so...

I wouldn't want you to be alone,

you know that, right?

I swear I will never,
ever love anyone else.

[emotional instrumental]

Hm...

[slow & rhythmic guitar picking]

♪

♪ And I ♪

♪ An old turtle ♪

♪ Will wing me
To some withered bough ♪

♪ And there my mate ♪

♪ That's never to be
Found again ♪

♪ Lament till I am... ♪

[surreal & harmonious music]

Lost.

[wistful & dreamlike music]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[music fades]