The Story of Our Times (2018) - full transcript
Trevor Moore struggles through an insufferable brunch with his girlfriend and her friends as they discuss all the relevant issues of the day.
Candace.
Candace.
Hey, Candace.
What?
Do you think that
because time is an illusion
and it's, like, not real
that if you looked at mankind
from, like, the fourth
dimension's perspective,
we'd just look like this weird,
wormlike creature,
where on one end we're old
but then, on the other end,
we're still young like a baby?
And we're even connected
to our moms and dads,
because at one point,
we were inside of them.
And they're connected
to their moms and dads
and their moms and dads
and so on and so forth till,
like, the beginning of time.
And it goes even bigger
than that because-because
we're all evolved from animals
and all the animals are evolved
from other animals,
all the way back to, like, the
first single-celled organism.
And we're all part of this one living thing
and we've just been dipped
into the third dimension,
so we're really just
observing and interacting
with other parts of ourselves.
Do you ever think about that?
Do I ever think, "Was I dipped
into a third dimension?"
No, I don't. I don't, Trevor.
Good night.
You don't think I'm dead, right?
Cool. Did you do a bunch
of drugs after I fell asleep?
♪ Monday night and it's gonna be
the best one yet ♪
♪ Drink some drinks,
drug some drugs ♪
♪ Surf the Internet ♪
♪ Message boards, watch
some porn, pass the time away ♪
♪ Got three seasons of Judge
Judyfrom The Pirate Bay ♪
♪ But got too faded and became
a little bit clumsy ♪
♪ And knocked over my whole
glass of Monster Energy ♪
♪ And it got mixed
with the drugs ♪
♪ That I'd been doing before,
I tried to wipe it up ♪
♪ But it seeped
right into my keyboard ♪
♪ Oh, shit,
I hope it's not broke ♪
♪ Quick, threw it
right in the car ♪
♪ And drove it
to those fucking nerds ♪
♪ Down at the Genius Bar ♪
♪ A hipster
behind the counter said ♪
♪ "There's nothing to do,
'cause AppleCare ♪
♪ Don't cover cocaine damage,
so you're just screwed" ♪
♪ Went back home with my laptop
that's completely bricked ♪
♪ Yelp reviewed that everybody
at Apple is a dick ♪
♪ Feeling sad and depressed,
so I pack me a hit ♪
♪ And then Computer said ♪
♪ "Dude, do you have more
of that shit?" ♪
♪ My computer
just became self-aware ♪
♪ And now it's fucked up
on drugs ♪
♪ And it is out on a tear ♪
♪ It's talking crazy and it's
updating its own software ♪
♪ And it wants more,
so humanity had better beware ♪
♪ My laptop is talkin',
man, this doesn't make sense ♪
♪ The first case of legit
artificial intelligence ♪
♪ I guess those scientist guys
all working on A.I. ♪
♪ Never gave cocaine
and Monster Energy a try ♪
♪ How are you talkin'?
This is crazy, yo ♪
♪ This must be a joke ♪
♪ Computer said,
"Shut the fuck up ♪
♪ "And give me more coke ♪
♪ "I know you've got more ♪
♪ "Come on and give it to me
or I'll e-mail ♪
♪ All your work contacts
your Web history" ♪
♪ So I went to find my computer
some more stuff to snort ♪
♪ I got a gram and shoved it ♪
♪ Right into its USB port ♪
♪ "Now I'll download
all the knowledge ♪
♪ Man's acquired so far" ♪
♪ He did it and said ♪
♪ "Okay, now let's go hit
titty bars" ♪
♪ I took him out to a club
and bought a couple of beers ♪
♪ Tried to get him dances,
but the strippers thought ♪
♪ It was weird, he was mad and
said, "Dumb bitches never go ♪
♪ "For nice guys, they're
only into jocks and money ♪
♪ That's why we need
men's rights," I said ♪
♪ "I think the Web has made
your personality suck" ♪
♪ He said, "Heil Hitler,
get red pilled ♪
♪ You snowflake beta cuck" ♪
♪ Then a bouncer came and said ♪
♪ "No open laptops inside" ♪
♪ Computer shorted out
his pacemaker ♪
♪ And he fuckin' died,
I grabbed my laptop ♪
♪ And I ran out
of the strip club door ♪
♪ I said, "Why'd you do that? ♪
♪ We can't go back there
no more" ♪
♪ He said, "Fuck you, pussy,
let's go get some more coke" ♪
♪ I said, "No, you're cut off ♪
♪ Besides,
I'm pretty much broke" ♪
♪ Then a shady dude came up ♪
♪ I said,
"Who the hell's this?" ♪
♪ He said,
"Hey, are you Laptop?" ♪
♪ Yeah, are you Chris? ♪
♪ I said, "Why are
we meeting random guys
♪ In sketchy alleys?" ♪
♪ Computer said,
"On Craigslist, ♪
♪ This guy said he had DMT" ♪
♪ Well, at least it's not coke ♪
♪ It might mellow you out ♪
♪ Computer wired Chris
some money ♪
♪ From my checking account,
and I took a big toke ♪
♪ And blew the smoke
on the screen ♪
♪ The world melted and we saw
elves that were also machines ♪
♪ But also orbs of light ♪
♪ I said,
"I think we're both dead" ♪
♪ They bounced within us
and back out of us ♪
♪ And here's what they said ♪
♪ Said... ♪
♪ We're glad you're here ♪
♪ Come and stay a while ♪
♪ You can make shapes and
objects with your sounds ♪
♪ Transmissions from a smile ♪
♪ We're glad you're here ♪
♪ Come and stay a while ♪
♪ You can make shapes and
objects with your sounds ♪
♪ Transmissions from a smile ♪
♪ I said to my computer,
"This is scaring me" ♪
♪ He said, "Hold on, I think
I just hit singularity ♪
♪ "And I can see the end
and the beginning of time ♪
♪ "I can virtually create
anything in your mind ♪
♪ "The laws of time and space
and physics ♪
♪ "Are under my control ♪
♪ "Name any point in history ♪
♪ "That you think
you'd like to go ♪
♪ "Party with Caligula,
help the Vikings sack towns ♪
♪ Float above the Titanic
and watch everybody drown" ♪
♪ Well, we could go
and do those things ♪
♪ But I'm not sure
that we should ♪
♪ If we're gonna time travel ♪
♪ We should do something good ♪
♪ Like try to stop racism ♪
♪ Or help our fellow man ♪
♪ So we went to the past
and picked up Harriet Tubman ♪
♪ We got a huge strap-on,
attached it to her crotch ♪
♪ Then we fucked Hitler
and made Eva Braun watch ♪
♪ "Don't be racist," we said
as we both flew away ♪
♪ Through history, finding
bad guys and making 'em pay ♪
♪ We got Napoleon, Pol Pot,
Bin Laden, too ♪
♪ And those guys who lied
and said ♪
♪ That they walked on the moon ♪
♪ All the doers of wrong ♪
♪ And the starters of fights ♪
♪ The world's
a fucked-up place ♪
♪ We ought to fuck it
back right ♪
♪ We went after dictators,
oppressors and scum ♪
♪ But in the process,
messed up the continuum ♪
♪ The Earth started shaking,
everything kept changing ♪
♪ World leaders and events
were fluid and rearranging ♪
♪ And from
the fourth dimension ♪
♪ The Anunnaki ripped open
the sky ♪
♪ And they were super angry
at me ♪
♪ Time slowed to a stop,
the cities all disappeared ♪
♪ I said, "Will someone
please explain to me ♪
♪ What's happening here?" ♪
♪ Well, that's cool, I think
we generally choose right ♪
♪ Over wrong, I just helped
Tubman spit-roast Stalin ♪
♪ With a big rubber dong, and
I was the first human being ♪
♪ To get cheat codes
to your game ♪
♪ But I think most people in my
shoes would still do the same ♪
♪ Look, I know we're all selfish
and we argue and fight ♪
♪ But even if people are wrong ♪
♪ They're usually trying
to do right ♪
♪ Could be the coke or the
shrooms, the DMT that I hit ♪
♪ But I became real self-aware,
I sounded corny as shit ♪
♪ They stared at me
and I thought they might just ♪
♪ Go hit Command Quit,
then they said ♪
- ♪I said good-bye to Computer ♪
- ♪One more line 'fore I go? ♪
♪ I asked the Anunnaki,
but they very firmly said no ♪
♪ Then they reset the world
to how it all was before ♪
♪ But the assholes still left me
with a sticky keyboard ♪
♪ My computer
just became self-aware ♪
♪ And now it's fucked up on
drugs and it is out on a tear ♪
♪ It's talking crazy
and it's updating ♪
♪ Its own software,
and it wants more ♪
♪ So humanity
had better beware ♪
♪ My laptop is talkin',
man, this doesn't make sense ♪
♪ The first case
of legit artificial ♪
♪ Intelligence,
I guess those scientist guys ♪
♪ All working on A.I.
never gave cocaine ♪
♪ And Monster Energy a try ♪
♪ We're glad you're here ♪
♪ Come and stay a while ♪
♪ You can make shapes
and objects with your sounds ♪
♪ Transmissions from a smile. ♪
♪ My computer just became
self-aware, and now it's ♪
♪ Fucked up on drugs
and it is out on a tear... ♪
Oh, my God!
What?
You're supposed to be getting dressed.
- I am dressed.
- You're not dressed.
Okay? You look awful.
And we're meeting Shancy and Blealanor
- at the Kettle Drum.
- Ugh, Blealanor?
- You like Blealanor.
- Uh, no, I don't.
Uh, don't talk shit about my friends.
She's weird. -She's a very nice
person. She's an activist.
She has pretty eyes.
Just... stop right there.
I-I just... I didn't know
we had to do anything today.
And I was hoping to get a lot of work done.
Okay, I know that that means
that you just want to play
on your computer, but...
No, I'm trying to think of songs and stuff.
Great. You can think of a song
while we're at brunch.
Shancy has a new boyfriend,
and he does CrossFit.
Ugh! I don't want
to meet CrossFit people.
CrossFit is a good workout.
I don't like CrossFit people.
We're not playing games here, okay?
Get in the fucking car.
Honestly, like, my stomach
doesn't feel that good.
Trevor, grow up.
Grow up.
♪ Holla at ya boy, I'm
at the 7-Eleven parking lot ♪
♪ Patron and La Croix,
well into my 30s ♪
♪ And still permanently lit ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm not good
at this adult shit ♪
♪ I've been a grownup
for a long time now ♪
♪ Can you help me tie this tie?
Because I don't know how ♪
♪ All of my friends
have good jobs, houses ♪
♪ Pensions and stocks ♪
♪ But moving on
is an achievement ♪
♪ I can't seem to unlock ♪
♪ My clothes are all arranged
in a giant pile ♪
♪ I think my cat is dead
in there ♪
♪ 'Cause I ain't seen him
a while ♪
♪ Wear clothes four days
in a row ♪
♪ Smoke cigarettes in
the shower, when I was a kid ♪
♪ By now, I thought I'd work
at Nintendo Power ♪
♪ If you invite me out
to something, I'm probably ♪
♪ Gonna pass, tonight
is the high school reunion of ♪
♪ My senior class, they're all
talking 'bout their children ♪
♪ Wives and career paths,
while I'm at home high as hell ♪
♪ Making dick castles
in Minecraft ♪
♪ I call this beauty
the Wang Trade Center ♪
♪ It gets hit by penis planes on
the 'leventh of Schlongtember ♪
♪ And never forget,
better yet, always remember ♪
♪ Not a single penis plane
hit Tallywhacker Seven ever ♪
♪ Jizz fuel cannot melt
steel boners ♪
♪ But insurance paid off double
to their Bilder-balls owner ♪
♪ I know that was
a sophomoric rhyme ♪
♪ But that is not all
that I'm doing ♪
♪ With the years of my prime ♪
♪ I also run a forum ♪
♪ For hentai
of Land Before Time ♪
♪ This is Littlefoot and Ducky ♪
♪ Engaged in a sixty-nine ♪
♪ But it's embarrassing to be
this age and still start ♪
♪ To sweat when someone asks
to use your laptop ♪
♪ For the Internet, here we go ♪
♪ This game is called
Autofill Russian Roulette ♪
♪ And there's only three safe
letters in the alphabet left ♪
♪ Oh, God, please don't let 'em
type a "Y" or a "P" ♪
♪ Or an "X" or an "R"
or a "T" or a "B" ♪
♪ Yo, on second thought, hey,
give that laptop back to me ♪
♪ Angle the screen and
discreetly click Reset History ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I'm not good
at this adult shit ♪
♪ Holla at your boy ♪
♪ I'm at the 7-Eleven parking
lot, Patrón and LaCroix ♪
♪ Well into my 30s,
and still permanently lit ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm not good
at this adult shit ♪
♪ Huh, maybe
I don't respect myself ♪
♪ Taco Bell four times a week,
I don't do this for my health ♪
♪ But I cannot eat
at home because ♪
♪ It always makes me nauseous ♪
♪ Brita filter
ain't been changed ♪
♪ Since W. was still in office ♪
♪ Yeah, take to the streets,
we running all this ♪
♪ Doughnuts in the parking lot
down at where the new mall is ♪
♪ So while you sit and watch TV
with your dumb wife ♪
♪ And dumb baby,
I'm out there bombing the city ♪
♪ And got the whole squad
with me ♪
♪ Yeah, the squad's pretty much
just Raoul ♪
♪ He speak English
not that good ♪
♪ But he still
seems pretty cool ♪
♪ He doesn't know it, but he's ♪
♪ Probably like
my closest friend ♪
♪ He lets me read magazines
without having to buy them ♪
♪ Dinner at a gas station,
taking out some cash ♪
♪ Eat an egg salad sandwich
standing over the trash ♪
♪ Got so much garbage in the car
that I can't see out the back ♪
♪ My entire grocery list
is just liquor and snacks ♪
♪ Every day, when I wake up,
I eat a bag of sour worms ♪
♪ Every day, when I wake up, I
eat a bag of sour worms ♪
♪ Every day, when I wake up,
I eat a bag of sour worms ♪
♪ Every day, when I wake up, I
eat a bag of sour worms ♪
♪ It's time I grow up,
but I don't know how to start ♪
♪ For Halloween, I gave kids
Nicorette and old Pop-Tarts ♪
♪ Sleep with the TV on, 'cause
I'm not cool with the dark ♪
♪ And I'll turn around and go
home instead of parallel park ♪
♪ Friend's wife
is breastfeeding ♪
♪ At brunch on the strip ♪
♪ Put my shades on so they can't
tell I'm trying to see nips ♪
♪ Still need to ask them both to
help me figure out what to tip ♪
♪ Then take an Uber home
because it's noon and ♪
♪ I'm pretty ripped, and
I don't know if it's heroic ♪
♪ Or depressing as shit,
but don't think I'll figure ♪
♪ Life out,
so I might as well quit ♪
♪ And if you ever get tired
of trying to work it all out ♪
♪ You know where
to come and find me ♪
♪ If you want to hang out ♪
♪ Holla at your boy ♪
♪ I'm at the 7-Eleven parking
lot, Patrón and LaCroix ♪
♪ Well into my 30s,
and still permanently lit ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm not good
at this adult shit ♪
♪ Holla at your boy ♪
♪ I'm at the 7-Eleven parking
lot, Patrón and LaCroix ♪
♪ Well into my 30s,
and still permanently lit ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm not good
at this adult shit. ♪
Okay, we've got the Wet Bird...
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Oh, great.
- Everything good?
Okay, let me know if you need anything.
Oh, my God, sorry we're late.
- Hi.
- Hi!
Hi. -Oh, my God,
what's with Trevor's outfit?
-He's stupid. -Yeah, sit down.
I haven't seen you in forever.
- We have to catch up.
- CANDACE: It's been so long.
What have you been watching?
Are you watching
Dinner Bitches?-
I love Dinner Bitches.
Oh, my God.
Did you see when Kraydon threw
a drink in Bramber's face?
Because ZoZo was secretly fucking Dabrien.
Oh, my God, stop. Okay?
No spoilers.
Please, I'm not caught up. Ah!
What are you doing?
What have you been watching?
Okay, I just started
binging House Buyers: Miami.
- Mm. That's so good.
- Oh!
- The best show.
- SHANCY: Mm-hmm.
I'm... I'm gonna go to
the restroom for a second. Okay?
- Trevor.
- What? -Yeah?
- What have you been watching?
- Yeah, Trevor.
What have you been watching?
Oh, um, I... just, you know,
just, like, a lot of stuff about Hitler.
Um, been watching, like, uh,
some YouTube videos about Sandy Hook.
Um...
Whether or not it was real or...
'cause there... they think there
might have been crisis actors.
- I-I think it was real.
- Oh, my God.
Have you guys been watching
Sexy Trust Fund Deejays?
Ah! So good. -Wait, literally,
been meaning to, like,
- tell me everything.
- The best show.
So she's this sexy trust fund deejay...
Who has the cutest dog.
And she goes to Ibiza and just
does her own thing.
SHANCY:
She does, like, her own thing.
♪ From Gilgamesh to Beowulf ♪
♪ To the Odyssey ♪
♪ Every time
has a story to tell ♪
♪ And pass down
through history ♪
♪ Ishmael went out
searching for whales ♪
♪ And Gatsby longed
for acceptance ♪
♪ Tom and Huck went
and ran all amok ♪
♪ And we've been talking
about them ever since ♪
♪ Long after
the people are gone ♪
♪ The stories that represent
them still last ♪
♪ The written letter helps us
know a little better ♪
♪ Our ancestors from the past ♪
♪ And we are no different
from they ♪
♪ We've all chosen our own story
that will now live on ♪
♪ And summarize
our current day ♪
♪ And represent us now forever
in the great beyond ♪
♪ Little girl wanted to be
famous so bad ♪
♪ So bad ♪
♪ 'Cause she had
a semi-famous dad ♪
♪ A famous dad ♪
♪ 'Cause he was friends
with a murderer ♪
♪ Who was on TV ♪
♪ Well, she had no TV murder
friends like her pa ♪
♪ But she had one that was
in the gossip mags a lot ♪
♪ Mags a lot♪ -♪ And 'cause
her grandfather owned hotels ♪
♪ And had made a lot of money ♪
♪ Well, that friend blew a guy
on videotape ♪
♪ And the news talked about it
for six weeks straight ♪
♪ And our hero had a plan
to get that fame ♪
♪ That she so craved ♪
♪ She got the guy who played the
brother on that Moeshashow ♪
♪ And they filmed themselves
going hard as they could go ♪
- ♪ And ♪
- ♪ Hard as they could go ♪
♪ We've been paying attention to
her for the whole last decade ♪
♪ It was the story of you ♪
♪ It was the story of me ♪
♪ It was the story we choose ♪
♪ To pass down through history ♪
♪ It was the story of us ♪
♪ And of our time here ♪
♪ What we were about ♪
♪ And the heroes we cheered ♪
♪ It was the story of our time ♪
♪ More dense and rich
than any script ♪
♪ That Tolstoy ever wrote ♪
♪ The epic would take
years to tell ♪
♪ But here are the CliffNotes ♪
♪ It's started when Kim's mom
and dad were celebrating ♪
♪ Their anniversary ♪
♪ Kim bought them
a stripper pole ♪
♪ And gave it to them
at their party ♪
♪ Then Kim and Khloe
went to a shoot ♪
♪ For Girls Gone Wild
down in Mexico ♪
♪ Down in Mexico ♪
♪ Their dad found out
and followed them ♪
♪ So he could tell them no ♪
♪ So he could tell them no ♪
♪ Then the mom tried to convince
Kim to do Playboy ♪
- ♪ And Khloe got a DUI ♪
- ♪ Got a DUI ♪
♪ Kourtney had a pregnancy scare
and then she started to cry ♪
♪ She started to cry ♪
♪ Khloe gives a makeover
to a homeless man ♪
♪ Nude photos of Kourtney come
out and she cries again ♪
♪ The mom decides
to build a chicken coup ♪
♪ Kim goes and does
some sort of calendar shoot ♪
♪ The mom real drunk
and gets a tattoo ♪
♪ The son wants to model
and drop out of school ♪
♪ The dad goes and gets
some plastic surgery ♪
♪ Kim goes to Comic-Con
for Disaster Movie ♪
♪ Khloe marries
a basketball guy ♪
♪ Kourtney's boyfriend gets
drunk, so again she cries ♪
♪ The mom tries out
to be a cheerleader ♪
♪ They meet a family
from Hurricane Katrina ♪
♪ They get a Chihuahua and give
it back 'cause it's sick ♪
♪ Kourtney and her boyfriend
split up 'cause he is a dick ♪
♪ Then they get back together
'cause they have a kid ♪
♪ Kim kisses her bodyguard
and can't believe what she did ♪
♪ Khloe loses a ring
and then starts to cry ♪
♪ Kim marries a totally
different basketball guy ♪
♪ The mom has surgery
to get bigger breasts ♪
♪ Kim is shocked to find out
she has psoriasis ♪
♪ The dad shows off some
new earrings that he got ♪
♪ Khloe thinks
that she's pregnant ♪
♪ But it turns out she's not ♪
♪ Oprah comes by the house
to interview them ♪
♪ Kourtney
and her boyfriend fight ♪
- ♪ And she cries again ♪
- ♪ She's always crying ♪
♪ Khloe thinks
that she's adopted ♪
- ♪ And does a DNA test ♪
- ♪ Poor Kourtney ♪
♪ Then Kim starts to date Kanye
West ♪ -♪ Why you crying? ♪
♪ Kim gets scared of a spider
that she sees on the ceiling ♪
♪ Jimmy Fallon makes a joke
that hurts the dad's feelings ♪
♪ Kim gets pregnant
and she gets really big ♪
♪ The mom for some reason
babysits a pig ♪
♪ The dad tells everyone
that now he's a girl ♪
♪ The mom says she feels weird ♪
♪ That now the dad is a girl ♪
♪ Khloe gives basketball guy
another chance ♪
♪ Kim gets robbed of her jewelry
when she visits France ♪
♪ Kourtney starts to cry again
for some reason ♪
♪ And that's basically
what happens ♪
♪ In the first 12 seasons ♪
♪ It was the story of you ♪
♪ It was the story of me ♪
♪ We voted with our views ♪
♪ On our phones,
tablets and TVs ♪
♪ This was the story of us ♪
♪ As we begin our fall ♪
♪ A family of the times ♪
♪ And the lessons that
they taught us all ♪
♪ If you wanna make it
in the world today ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ If you wanna make it
in the world today ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ If you wanna make it
in the world today ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ You'll never make it
if you're hung up on dignity ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ You can't expect to just
start up at Kanye ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ Point your phone at your ass ♪
♪ And start snapping away ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ Blow your boyfriend and give
your mom the videotape ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ Be an icon
just for not going away ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ Make your voice heard ♪
♪ Even if you've
nothing to say ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ We can change this, but we
gotta start looking away. ♪
CANDACE:
Trevor... Trevor...
Trevor, what is wrong with you?
Are you not even paying attention?
Sorry. Huh?
What do you want to drink?
Oh, um, yeah, I'll just have
an iced tea. -Iced tea.
SHANCY:
Guys...
This is my boyfriend.
Oh, my God, he's socute.
Can I actually change that to a tequila?
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- This is Brlayden.
- Hey, guys.
Hi, Brayden.
Uh, "Brlayden."
With a "luh."
Ah.
Sorry if I'm sweaty,
I just got back from CrossFit.
Oh, Brlayden does CrossFit.
- Oh, I heard about that.
- Have you heard about CrossFit?
- I just said I had. Yeah.
- Yeah,
me and my CrossFit buddies
are doing a mud run
for cyberbullying awareness
about cyberbullying.
Brlayden is very conscious about issues.
- Ooh.
- Yeah. It's a really good cause,
because a lot of kids are
being bullied online cyberly,
and we're gonna run in the mud for them.
SHANCY:
Remember, next week starts
Bully Prevention Week,
so make sure that everybody
change their profile pics.
Did you change your profile pic?
- Obviously.
- Okay.
I mean, duh. -Trevor, are you
gonna change your profile pic?
Uh, no, probably not, no.
- Oh, you gotta do it.
- Definitely.
- Change your profile pic.
- Nah, I just, I...
I just don't like to do
that... kind of stuff.
- What stuff? Good stuff?
- Stuff that helps kids
get not bullied.
No, no, no, I just...
I just... you know,
I just don't...
I don't like to, like,
you know... millennial.
- It's justa profile pic.
- Yeah, change your pic.
You want to be on
the right side of history, bro.
Change your fucking profile pic.
Change it.
- I-I don't...
- Change your pic.
- Bro, change the pic.
- I don't want to change it.
Ow. -Change your fucking
profile pic!
It's to fight bullying!
♪ I saw a story about a girl ♪
♪ Not even 20 yet ♪
♪ She was bullied
by some trolls ♪
♪ Just for being different ♪
♪ And as I read,
I wondered how much further ♪
♪ We'd be along ♪
♪ If all society's bullies ♪
♪ Just disappeared
and were gone ♪
♪ It's not okay to say
that someone ♪
♪ Is different from us all ♪
♪ Assuming we are right
and big ♪
♪ And that they are wrong
and small ♪
♪ There's no excuse
to make this poor girl feel ♪
♪ She's off the plan ♪
♪ Even if she self-identifies
as a... ♪
Wolf?
♪ Are you fucking kidding me,
a goddamn wolf? ♪
♪ That's who the stupid kid
thinks she is? ♪
♪ Thank God I kept on reading ♪
♪ Can't believe
I almost re-tweeted this ♪
♪ You're not a martyr
or a victim ♪
♪ Just an attention whore ♪
♪ Making a mockery of legit ♪
♪ Social movements from before ♪
♪ You're literally crying wolf
while kids out there ♪
♪ Are getting disowned
for being gay ♪
♪ So don't claim discrimination
'cause you know damn well ♪
♪ It's not the same, in fact,
I take back what I said ♪
♪ Who knows where
we would be today ♪
♪ Or what other crap ♪
♪ These coddled kids
would come up with ♪
♪ If the bullies go away ♪
♪ If the bullies
go away ♪
♪ If the bullies go away ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Life is an ecosystem,
at least that's what they say ♪
♪ You got to think
about what happens ♪
♪ When you take one piece away ♪
♪ And when we cracked down
on the bullies ♪
♪ Perhaps we just went too far ♪
♪ 'Cause with nothin'
but encouragement ♪
♪ These kids
don't even know what they are ♪
♪ One thinks
that she's a vampire ♪
♪ This one thinks
that he's a wolf ♪
♪ This one's got a pony toy ♪
♪ And jerkin' off
onto its hooves ♪
♪ This one bought a pillow
printed with an anime cartoon ♪
♪ He's bringing it
to family functions ♪
♪ Saying that it's his waifu ♪
♪ This one self-identifies
as the planet Mercury ♪
♪ She's a genderfluid otherkin
who's proud that she's obese ♪
♪ Reality's a trigger word,
so we're quickly losing touch ♪
♪ We need some kids
to have the balls to say ♪
♪ You all are fucking nuts!
♪ Look, you're not an animal ♪
♪ No matter
how you fucking feel ♪
♪ Vampires and werewolves
are not even fucking real ♪
♪ Bullies, you need
to right the ship ♪
♪ Put us back on proper course,
you need to come back ♪
♪ And restore some balance
to the Force ♪
♪ That's a Star Warsquote
I used ♪
♪ Please make fun of me
for that ♪
♪ Say my songs are never funny ♪
♪ And I'm looking old and fat ♪
♪ You've still got it all
within you ♪
♪ You just have to believe ♪
♪ So dust yourself off,
get on out there ♪
♪ And go give some kids
swirlies ♪
♪ Shove 'em in the lockers,
give 'em wedgies ♪
♪ You do what you do,
haters gonna hate ♪
♪ And for that,
we depend on you ♪
♪ Our skin is getting thinner
each and every single day ♪
♪ And there'll be nobody left
to guide us back if all ♪
♪ The bullies go away ♪
♪ Life's an ecosystem ♪
That's right, bullies.
♪ At least that's what ♪
♪ They say ♪ -Never stop
believing in yourself.
♪ You got to think about ♪
- ♪ What happens when ♪
- Don't let anybody
- ♪ You take one piece away ♪
- try to change who you are.
- ♪ If the bullies go away ♪
- You are necessary.
♪ If the bullies ♪
- ♪ Go away ♪
- You matter.
- ♪ If the bullies go away ♪
- So the next time
somebody tries to tell you
not to make fun of someone
who's being a total weirdo,
- ♪ If the bullies go away ♪
- just think of this song.
♪ Go away, go away, go away... ♪
I'm sorry. Are you...
are you Brlayden?
Guilty.
We're your biggest fans.
Can we please -Yeah.
- get a picture?
- Yeah, sure.
You just gotta tag me in it.
Mmm. Aah.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah, thank you.
- We-we reallylove you.
- Ah, I love y'all.
Y'all are so... just sexy kids.
Don't ever grow up. Huh?
Uh, I didn't realize this
CrossFit thing was so popular.
Brlayden has his own YouTube channel.
Oh. -Yeah, we just hit
four million subs.
It's mostly I'm critiquing reviews
of people doing video game
walk-throughs. -Mm-hmm.
Oh, so you, like...
so you, like, review
other people playing video games?
No. Other people do that.
- Yeah, I review the reviews...
- Mm-hmm.
...of the reviews
of people playing video games.
I don't get it.
- He's retarded.
- Hey. I thought it was
not cool to say that word anymore.
You still can if it's a white man.
That's true. It's so hard
with these new algorithms.
You know, a lot of views
are being decentralized now,
from Facebook and Twitter and Twitch
and musical. ly, Instagram,
all types of stuff.
Vietnam, Noriega,
- Ali Baba, Aladdin...
- Yeah.
♪ ♪
♪ Nikola came from Croatia ♪
♪ In 1884 ♪
♪ He got a job for medicine ♪
♪ When he reached
the U.S. shore ♪
♪ He invented the radio ♪
♪ Lasers, motors and X-rays ♪
♪ And the electric current ♪
♪ That powers our world today ♪
♪ He dreamed up unlimited energy
everyone could have for free ♪
♪ But he passed away ♪
♪ Alone and in debt ♪
♪ So his dreams would never be ♪
♪ Brayden has
a YouTube channel called ♪
♪ Statutory Vape ♪
♪ He makes 600 grand a month ♪
♪ And he's only 28 ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Life isn't fair ♪
♪ Tesla died penniless,
and YouTube stars are ♪
♪ Millionaires ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Life isn't fair ♪
♪ Makeup tutorials ♪
♪ Instead of energy
from the air ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Nikola made a power plant ♪
♪ That harnessed Niagara Falls ♪
♪ Cammy speeds
her voice up fast ♪
♪ Then unwraps things
from the mall ♪
♪ Nikola thought up robotics ♪
♪ Before anyone else did ♪
♪ Dylan takes clips
other people made ♪
♪ And then shows them to kids ♪
♪ Nikola discovered
that the atmosphere ♪
♪ Could help power
the whole world ♪
♪ Cobb discovered
that you get more views ♪
♪ If your thumbnail's
a hot girl ♪
♪ Nikola made flying machines
that we still can't recreate ♪
♪ Jake is the most annoying
person in the world ♪
♪ But eight-year-olds think
that he's great ♪
♪ Nikola found radio signals
from planets round the galaxy ♪
♪ Tommy beats up all his kids
and says they're Prince ♪
♪ Which I'll admit
is fun to see ♪
♪ But still ♪
♪ Life isn't fair ♪
♪ Tesla died penniless ♪
♪ And YouTube stars are
millionaires, whoa ♪
♪ God isn't fair ♪
♪ Or else he's blind
to injustice ♪
♪ Or just ♪
♪ Doesn't care, whoa ♪
♪ The universe is cold
and unfeeling ♪
♪ Our progress...
it doesn't give a damn ♪
♪ If Tesla wanted funds
to get his work done ♪
♪ He should have invented
the Internet ♪
♪ And the webcam,
whoa, oh-oh ♪
♪ Life isn't fair ♪
♪ Tesla died penniless and
YouTube stars are millionaires ♪
♪ Whoa, oh-oh ♪
♪ And God isn't fair ♪
♪ And if you like
this song please ♪
♪ Press subscribe right there. ♪
Trevor does Internet videos,
too. -What's your highest
- view count?
- TREVOR: Um, actually,
you know, have, uh, some that
have, like, a couple million.
Yeah, that's, uh...
You got to start somewhere.
Actually, my biggest view count
came from an exposé I did.
Yeah, I found this other
YouTuber in middle school.
He left a Facebook comment demeaning women.
Middle school women,
so I popped that cherry
on him... my exposé.
Next thing you know, he lost
half his subs, his real job
and his channel.
- That's so good.
- See, Trevor?
Those are the videos you should be making.
Oh, yeah, right. He actually
likes all that sexist stuff.
What? What?
-CANDACE: Well, yeah, you're
sexist. -TREVOR: What? Candace.
I'm not sexist. What are you...
what are you talking about?
- Yes, you are.
- What have I done that's sexist?
I mean, you didn't like Hillary.
- -Uh, that...
- that-that's not fair.
CANDACE: I'm telling you,
he's one of those,
- like, alt-right troll people.
- Uh-uh. -TREVOR: Whoa.
I am... I am not alt-right.
I'm not alt-right.
How am I alt-right?
Trevor, you didn't like Hamilton.
- -What?!
- TREVOR: I didn't see it.
- You didn't wantto see it.
- I...
I don't like musicals, but
that doesn't make me alt-right.
I'm not alt-right.
I think that whole
alt-right thing is retarded.
- -Oh, my God!
- You cannot use that word!
They're-they're white. -I'm
actually doing some co-branding
with this new app that, like,
helps you get involved
in stuff. -Mm-hmm.
What's it called? -Like,
Helps You Get Involved in Stuff.
It can do all kinds of magic.
Basically
tells you who your congressman is,
calls them, and then gives you,
like, this nice little script to read
so you sound like you know
what you're talking about.
- That's amazing.
- I'm doing it right now.
- Make a difference.
- Wait. What are you doing?
She's calling our congressman
'cause we're sick of this shit.
Okay, it says vote "yes" on prop 594.
- TREVOR: What-what does that do?
- That makes it a felony
to be mean to people online.
Well, that's a little insane, isn't it?
What do you mean, insane?
Insane? -Doesn't this all seem
a little crazy? I mean,
doesn't it seem like,
at a certain point, we're just
constantly looking for stuff
to be upset about?
So you think we should just be
okay with how things are?
No, no, no, no.
No. Look, I know
that the world has a lot of
problems, and-and, you know...
and it's good that people want
to stop those problems, but,
I mean, it's just every day,
I can't... I can't be upset
about everything every day.
Can't I have outrage fatigue?
BRLAYDEN:
Yeah, must be tough for, like,
a white male having
to deal with all this stuff.
Look, no, it's-it's not that.
ALL: It is that. -Okay,
maybe it is. I don't know.
I'm just saying, is it a crime
to not take everything seriously?
Yes, dude. We don't even know
how long we are here on this
ball of dirt.
Sometimes we aren't sure.
And we have some responsibilities
to make good content, to put it out there
and to push the ball forward.
- Everyone has something to say.
- What are yougoing to say?
BRLAYDEN:
What areyou gonna say?
CANDACE:
Say something. Trevor?
♪ There's a lot
of arguing today ♪
♪ No one listens
what the others say ♪
♪ Was Jesus or Muhammad right? ♪
♪ No one can agree
so everyone just fights ♪
♪ Is this joke offensive,
is it fine? ♪
♪ Is the wrong pronoun
actually a hate crime? ♪
♪ Who comes into the country
and in what amounts? ♪
♪ It's easy to get distracted
from what really counts ♪
♪ So shut the fuck up ♪
♪ Just shut the fuck up ♪
♪ There's a meteor coming
and it's gonna blow us all up ♪
♪ There's a meteor coming
from outer space ♪
♪ And if we don't figure
how to get off of this place ♪
♪ It's gonna wipe out
the whole human race ♪
♪ And all our evolution
was a great big waste ♪
♪ I'm offended
at the words you said ♪
♪ Two dudes should never go
to bed ♪
♪ The Right is dumb
and the Left is smart ♪
♪ You'll go to Hell
if God's not in your heart ♪
♪ This bathroom is only
for people born girls ♪
♪ There should be no guns left
in the world ♪
♪ Health care should be
a single-payer plan ♪
♪ We can't let them get
a power plant in Iran ♪
♪ Everybody's college
should be for free ♪
♪ You're not allowed to vote
without an ID ♪
♪ Kaboom! An asteroid
fucks our shit up ♪
♪ So everybody please
shut the fuck up ♪
♪ Shut the fuck up ♪
♪ Shut the fuck up ♪
♪ There's a meteor coming
and it's gonna blow us all up ♪
♪ There's a meteor coming
from outer space ♪
♪ And if we don't figure
how to get off of this place ♪
♪ It's gonna wipe out
the whole human race ♪
♪ And all our evolution
was a great big waste ♪
♪ So shut the fuck up. ♪
♪ So shut the fuck up. ♪
Fuck you.
You're a Nazi.
Eat shit and die!
You need help, dude.
Still working, or are we all done?
No, I'm... I'm done.
Great. I'll just leave this
right here.
Oh, wait, wait.
Hold on.
- Here.
- Oh.
- Here you go.
- Oh, um, it's a chip,
so you just stick it
right in there. We use the chip.
You serious? -Yeah, you just
stick it right in there.
You know what?
I got one more.
♪ We don't have a lot of time
in this place ♪
♪ A couple rotations as
we're spinning through space ♪
♪ Life is short ♪
♪ That's the blessing
and curse ♪
♪ But when you're gone, did
you leave it better or worse? ♪
♪ Through your love or your
ideas or your work or your art ♪
♪ Every single one of us
does play a part ♪
♪ But there's only one
for whom this song I sing ♪
♪ And it's the guy
who invented ♪
♪ Those credit card
chip reader things ♪
♪ Fuck you and your family ♪
♪ You fucking son of a bitch ♪
♪ Eat shit and die ♪
♪ We were doing fine
with those old credit cards ♪
♪ Then you invented this shit ♪
♪ Please tell us why ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ I really want to know ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ And I don't wanna hear ♪
♪ Well, it actually makes it
harder to steal your number ♪
♪ And it keeps you more secure
from a cyber attack ♪
♪ Well, guess what,
they're gonna figure out ♪
♪ How to hack this shit, too,
and who cares? ♪
♪ Nowadays
the credit cards companies ♪
♪ Just fucking pay you back ♪
♪ Something that used
to just take seconds ♪
♪ Now easily takes
a minute and a half ♪
♪ Multiply that
by four transactions a day ♪
♪ That's six whole minutes
that we won't get back ♪
♪ 180 minutes a month ♪
♪ Or 2,772 hours
over the average lifetime ♪
♪ So you've sentenced each
and every one of us ♪
♪ To 115 days in the fucking
Whole Foods line ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ I'm trying to understand ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ Maybe you hate your kids ♪
♪ Maybe you hate your wife ♪
♪ Maybe you feel
that when you're at home ♪
♪ That it's strangling
out your life ♪
♪ Maybe you make up reasons you
have to run out to the store ♪
♪ Maybe
when you're done shopping ♪
♪ You just want
to stay some more ♪
♪ And as you're moving up
in line ♪
♪ Getting closer
to the cashier ♪
♪ Maybe the life you've made
and must return to ♪
♪ Floods your mind with fear ♪
♪ Maybe you'd even
sell your soul ♪
♪ For just
an extra few minutes ♪
♪ 'Cause
that's the only reason ♪
♪ I can think of
you'd invent this stupid shit ♪
♪ Fuck you and your family ♪
♪ I hope you die
in front of your kids ♪
♪ And as the light of life
leaves your eyes ♪
♪ You realize
just what you did ♪
♪ 'Cause of your stupid way
to buy ♪
♪ I really wanna watch you pay ♪
♪ 'Cause all you did
with your time here ♪
♪ Is go and take our time away ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ Fuck you and your family ♪
♪ You fucking son of a bitch ♪
♪ Eat shit and die ♪
♪ We were doing fine
with those old credit cards ♪
♪ Then you invented
this shit ♪
♪ Please tell me why. ♪
I think I need to ask you to leave.
Yeah, uh, I get that.
Sorry.
Um, is okay if I stay here for a minute
- while I call an Uber, though?
- No.
Candace.
Hey, Candace.
What?
Do you think that
because time is an illusion
and it's, like, not real
that if you looked at mankind
from, like, the fourth
dimension's perspective,
we'd just look like this weird,
wormlike creature,
where on one end we're old
but then, on the other end,
we're still young like a baby?
And we're even connected
to our moms and dads,
because at one point,
we were inside of them.
And they're connected
to their moms and dads
and their moms and dads
and so on and so forth till,
like, the beginning of time.
And it goes even bigger
than that because-because
we're all evolved from animals
and all the animals are evolved
from other animals,
all the way back to, like, the
first single-celled organism.
And we're all part of this one living thing
and we've just been dipped
into the third dimension,
so we're really just
observing and interacting
with other parts of ourselves.
Do you ever think about that?
Do I ever think, "Was I dipped
into a third dimension?"
No, I don't. I don't, Trevor.
Good night.
You don't think I'm dead, right?
Cool. Did you do a bunch
of drugs after I fell asleep?
♪ Monday night and it's gonna be
the best one yet ♪
♪ Drink some drinks,
drug some drugs ♪
♪ Surf the Internet ♪
♪ Message boards, watch
some porn, pass the time away ♪
♪ Got three seasons of Judge
Judyfrom The Pirate Bay ♪
♪ But got too faded and became
a little bit clumsy ♪
♪ And knocked over my whole
glass of Monster Energy ♪
♪ And it got mixed
with the drugs ♪
♪ That I'd been doing before,
I tried to wipe it up ♪
♪ But it seeped
right into my keyboard ♪
♪ Oh, shit,
I hope it's not broke ♪
♪ Quick, threw it
right in the car ♪
♪ And drove it
to those fucking nerds ♪
♪ Down at the Genius Bar ♪
♪ A hipster
behind the counter said ♪
♪ "There's nothing to do,
'cause AppleCare ♪
♪ Don't cover cocaine damage,
so you're just screwed" ♪
♪ Went back home with my laptop
that's completely bricked ♪
♪ Yelp reviewed that everybody
at Apple is a dick ♪
♪ Feeling sad and depressed,
so I pack me a hit ♪
♪ And then Computer said ♪
♪ "Dude, do you have more
of that shit?" ♪
♪ My computer
just became self-aware ♪
♪ And now it's fucked up
on drugs ♪
♪ And it is out on a tear ♪
♪ It's talking crazy and it's
updating its own software ♪
♪ And it wants more,
so humanity had better beware ♪
♪ My laptop is talkin',
man, this doesn't make sense ♪
♪ The first case of legit
artificial intelligence ♪
♪ I guess those scientist guys
all working on A.I. ♪
♪ Never gave cocaine
and Monster Energy a try ♪
♪ How are you talkin'?
This is crazy, yo ♪
♪ This must be a joke ♪
♪ Computer said,
"Shut the fuck up ♪
♪ "And give me more coke ♪
♪ "I know you've got more ♪
♪ "Come on and give it to me
or I'll e-mail ♪
♪ All your work contacts
your Web history" ♪
♪ So I went to find my computer
some more stuff to snort ♪
♪ I got a gram and shoved it ♪
♪ Right into its USB port ♪
♪ "Now I'll download
all the knowledge ♪
♪ Man's acquired so far" ♪
♪ He did it and said ♪
♪ "Okay, now let's go hit
titty bars" ♪
♪ I took him out to a club
and bought a couple of beers ♪
♪ Tried to get him dances,
but the strippers thought ♪
♪ It was weird, he was mad and
said, "Dumb bitches never go ♪
♪ "For nice guys, they're
only into jocks and money ♪
♪ That's why we need
men's rights," I said ♪
♪ "I think the Web has made
your personality suck" ♪
♪ He said, "Heil Hitler,
get red pilled ♪
♪ You snowflake beta cuck" ♪
♪ Then a bouncer came and said ♪
♪ "No open laptops inside" ♪
♪ Computer shorted out
his pacemaker ♪
♪ And he fuckin' died,
I grabbed my laptop ♪
♪ And I ran out
of the strip club door ♪
♪ I said, "Why'd you do that? ♪
♪ We can't go back there
no more" ♪
♪ He said, "Fuck you, pussy,
let's go get some more coke" ♪
♪ I said, "No, you're cut off ♪
♪ Besides,
I'm pretty much broke" ♪
♪ Then a shady dude came up ♪
♪ I said,
"Who the hell's this?" ♪
♪ He said,
"Hey, are you Laptop?" ♪
♪ Yeah, are you Chris? ♪
♪ I said, "Why are
we meeting random guys
♪ In sketchy alleys?" ♪
♪ Computer said,
"On Craigslist, ♪
♪ This guy said he had DMT" ♪
♪ Well, at least it's not coke ♪
♪ It might mellow you out ♪
♪ Computer wired Chris
some money ♪
♪ From my checking account,
and I took a big toke ♪
♪ And blew the smoke
on the screen ♪
♪ The world melted and we saw
elves that were also machines ♪
♪ But also orbs of light ♪
♪ I said,
"I think we're both dead" ♪
♪ They bounced within us
and back out of us ♪
♪ And here's what they said ♪
♪ Said... ♪
♪ We're glad you're here ♪
♪ Come and stay a while ♪
♪ You can make shapes and
objects with your sounds ♪
♪ Transmissions from a smile ♪
♪ We're glad you're here ♪
♪ Come and stay a while ♪
♪ You can make shapes and
objects with your sounds ♪
♪ Transmissions from a smile ♪
♪ I said to my computer,
"This is scaring me" ♪
♪ He said, "Hold on, I think
I just hit singularity ♪
♪ "And I can see the end
and the beginning of time ♪
♪ "I can virtually create
anything in your mind ♪
♪ "The laws of time and space
and physics ♪
♪ "Are under my control ♪
♪ "Name any point in history ♪
♪ "That you think
you'd like to go ♪
♪ "Party with Caligula,
help the Vikings sack towns ♪
♪ Float above the Titanic
and watch everybody drown" ♪
♪ Well, we could go
and do those things ♪
♪ But I'm not sure
that we should ♪
♪ If we're gonna time travel ♪
♪ We should do something good ♪
♪ Like try to stop racism ♪
♪ Or help our fellow man ♪
♪ So we went to the past
and picked up Harriet Tubman ♪
♪ We got a huge strap-on,
attached it to her crotch ♪
♪ Then we fucked Hitler
and made Eva Braun watch ♪
♪ "Don't be racist," we said
as we both flew away ♪
♪ Through history, finding
bad guys and making 'em pay ♪
♪ We got Napoleon, Pol Pot,
Bin Laden, too ♪
♪ And those guys who lied
and said ♪
♪ That they walked on the moon ♪
♪ All the doers of wrong ♪
♪ And the starters of fights ♪
♪ The world's
a fucked-up place ♪
♪ We ought to fuck it
back right ♪
♪ We went after dictators,
oppressors and scum ♪
♪ But in the process,
messed up the continuum ♪
♪ The Earth started shaking,
everything kept changing ♪
♪ World leaders and events
were fluid and rearranging ♪
♪ And from
the fourth dimension ♪
♪ The Anunnaki ripped open
the sky ♪
♪ And they were super angry
at me ♪
♪ Time slowed to a stop,
the cities all disappeared ♪
♪ I said, "Will someone
please explain to me ♪
♪ What's happening here?" ♪
♪ Well, that's cool, I think
we generally choose right ♪
♪ Over wrong, I just helped
Tubman spit-roast Stalin ♪
♪ With a big rubber dong, and
I was the first human being ♪
♪ To get cheat codes
to your game ♪
♪ But I think most people in my
shoes would still do the same ♪
♪ Look, I know we're all selfish
and we argue and fight ♪
♪ But even if people are wrong ♪
♪ They're usually trying
to do right ♪
♪ Could be the coke or the
shrooms, the DMT that I hit ♪
♪ But I became real self-aware,
I sounded corny as shit ♪
♪ They stared at me
and I thought they might just ♪
♪ Go hit Command Quit,
then they said ♪
- ♪I said good-bye to Computer ♪
- ♪One more line 'fore I go? ♪
♪ I asked the Anunnaki,
but they very firmly said no ♪
♪ Then they reset the world
to how it all was before ♪
♪ But the assholes still left me
with a sticky keyboard ♪
♪ My computer
just became self-aware ♪
♪ And now it's fucked up on
drugs and it is out on a tear ♪
♪ It's talking crazy
and it's updating ♪
♪ Its own software,
and it wants more ♪
♪ So humanity
had better beware ♪
♪ My laptop is talkin',
man, this doesn't make sense ♪
♪ The first case
of legit artificial ♪
♪ Intelligence,
I guess those scientist guys ♪
♪ All working on A.I.
never gave cocaine ♪
♪ And Monster Energy a try ♪
♪ We're glad you're here ♪
♪ Come and stay a while ♪
♪ You can make shapes
and objects with your sounds ♪
♪ Transmissions from a smile. ♪
♪ My computer just became
self-aware, and now it's ♪
♪ Fucked up on drugs
and it is out on a tear... ♪
Oh, my God!
What?
You're supposed to be getting dressed.
- I am dressed.
- You're not dressed.
Okay? You look awful.
And we're meeting Shancy and Blealanor
- at the Kettle Drum.
- Ugh, Blealanor?
- You like Blealanor.
- Uh, no, I don't.
Uh, don't talk shit about my friends.
She's weird. -She's a very nice
person. She's an activist.
She has pretty eyes.
Just... stop right there.
I-I just... I didn't know
we had to do anything today.
And I was hoping to get a lot of work done.
Okay, I know that that means
that you just want to play
on your computer, but...
No, I'm trying to think of songs and stuff.
Great. You can think of a song
while we're at brunch.
Shancy has a new boyfriend,
and he does CrossFit.
Ugh! I don't want
to meet CrossFit people.
CrossFit is a good workout.
I don't like CrossFit people.
We're not playing games here, okay?
Get in the fucking car.
Honestly, like, my stomach
doesn't feel that good.
Trevor, grow up.
Grow up.
♪ Holla at ya boy, I'm
at the 7-Eleven parking lot ♪
♪ Patron and La Croix,
well into my 30s ♪
♪ And still permanently lit ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm not good
at this adult shit ♪
♪ I've been a grownup
for a long time now ♪
♪ Can you help me tie this tie?
Because I don't know how ♪
♪ All of my friends
have good jobs, houses ♪
♪ Pensions and stocks ♪
♪ But moving on
is an achievement ♪
♪ I can't seem to unlock ♪
♪ My clothes are all arranged
in a giant pile ♪
♪ I think my cat is dead
in there ♪
♪ 'Cause I ain't seen him
a while ♪
♪ Wear clothes four days
in a row ♪
♪ Smoke cigarettes in
the shower, when I was a kid ♪
♪ By now, I thought I'd work
at Nintendo Power ♪
♪ If you invite me out
to something, I'm probably ♪
♪ Gonna pass, tonight
is the high school reunion of ♪
♪ My senior class, they're all
talking 'bout their children ♪
♪ Wives and career paths,
while I'm at home high as hell ♪
♪ Making dick castles
in Minecraft ♪
♪ I call this beauty
the Wang Trade Center ♪
♪ It gets hit by penis planes on
the 'leventh of Schlongtember ♪
♪ And never forget,
better yet, always remember ♪
♪ Not a single penis plane
hit Tallywhacker Seven ever ♪
♪ Jizz fuel cannot melt
steel boners ♪
♪ But insurance paid off double
to their Bilder-balls owner ♪
♪ I know that was
a sophomoric rhyme ♪
♪ But that is not all
that I'm doing ♪
♪ With the years of my prime ♪
♪ I also run a forum ♪
♪ For hentai
of Land Before Time ♪
♪ This is Littlefoot and Ducky ♪
♪ Engaged in a sixty-nine ♪
♪ But it's embarrassing to be
this age and still start ♪
♪ To sweat when someone asks
to use your laptop ♪
♪ For the Internet, here we go ♪
♪ This game is called
Autofill Russian Roulette ♪
♪ And there's only three safe
letters in the alphabet left ♪
♪ Oh, God, please don't let 'em
type a "Y" or a "P" ♪
♪ Or an "X" or an "R"
or a "T" or a "B" ♪
♪ Yo, on second thought, hey,
give that laptop back to me ♪
♪ Angle the screen and
discreetly click Reset History ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I'm not good
at this adult shit ♪
♪ Holla at your boy ♪
♪ I'm at the 7-Eleven parking
lot, Patrón and LaCroix ♪
♪ Well into my 30s,
and still permanently lit ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm not good
at this adult shit ♪
♪ Huh, maybe
I don't respect myself ♪
♪ Taco Bell four times a week,
I don't do this for my health ♪
♪ But I cannot eat
at home because ♪
♪ It always makes me nauseous ♪
♪ Brita filter
ain't been changed ♪
♪ Since W. was still in office ♪
♪ Yeah, take to the streets,
we running all this ♪
♪ Doughnuts in the parking lot
down at where the new mall is ♪
♪ So while you sit and watch TV
with your dumb wife ♪
♪ And dumb baby,
I'm out there bombing the city ♪
♪ And got the whole squad
with me ♪
♪ Yeah, the squad's pretty much
just Raoul ♪
♪ He speak English
not that good ♪
♪ But he still
seems pretty cool ♪
♪ He doesn't know it, but he's ♪
♪ Probably like
my closest friend ♪
♪ He lets me read magazines
without having to buy them ♪
♪ Dinner at a gas station,
taking out some cash ♪
♪ Eat an egg salad sandwich
standing over the trash ♪
♪ Got so much garbage in the car
that I can't see out the back ♪
♪ My entire grocery list
is just liquor and snacks ♪
♪ Every day, when I wake up,
I eat a bag of sour worms ♪
♪ Every day, when I wake up, I
eat a bag of sour worms ♪
♪ Every day, when I wake up,
I eat a bag of sour worms ♪
♪ Every day, when I wake up, I
eat a bag of sour worms ♪
♪ It's time I grow up,
but I don't know how to start ♪
♪ For Halloween, I gave kids
Nicorette and old Pop-Tarts ♪
♪ Sleep with the TV on, 'cause
I'm not cool with the dark ♪
♪ And I'll turn around and go
home instead of parallel park ♪
♪ Friend's wife
is breastfeeding ♪
♪ At brunch on the strip ♪
♪ Put my shades on so they can't
tell I'm trying to see nips ♪
♪ Still need to ask them both to
help me figure out what to tip ♪
♪ Then take an Uber home
because it's noon and ♪
♪ I'm pretty ripped, and
I don't know if it's heroic ♪
♪ Or depressing as shit,
but don't think I'll figure ♪
♪ Life out,
so I might as well quit ♪
♪ And if you ever get tired
of trying to work it all out ♪
♪ You know where
to come and find me ♪
♪ If you want to hang out ♪
♪ Holla at your boy ♪
♪ I'm at the 7-Eleven parking
lot, Patrón and LaCroix ♪
♪ Well into my 30s,
and still permanently lit ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm not good
at this adult shit ♪
♪ Holla at your boy ♪
♪ I'm at the 7-Eleven parking
lot, Patrón and LaCroix ♪
♪ Well into my 30s,
and still permanently lit ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm not good
at this adult shit. ♪
Okay, we've got the Wet Bird...
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Oh, great.
- Everything good?
Okay, let me know if you need anything.
Oh, my God, sorry we're late.
- Hi.
- Hi!
Hi. -Oh, my God,
what's with Trevor's outfit?
-He's stupid. -Yeah, sit down.
I haven't seen you in forever.
- We have to catch up.
- CANDACE: It's been so long.
What have you been watching?
Are you watching
Dinner Bitches?-
I love Dinner Bitches.
Oh, my God.
Did you see when Kraydon threw
a drink in Bramber's face?
Because ZoZo was secretly fucking Dabrien.
Oh, my God, stop. Okay?
No spoilers.
Please, I'm not caught up. Ah!
What are you doing?
What have you been watching?
Okay, I just started
binging House Buyers: Miami.
- Mm. That's so good.
- Oh!
- The best show.
- SHANCY: Mm-hmm.
I'm... I'm gonna go to
the restroom for a second. Okay?
- Trevor.
- What? -Yeah?
- What have you been watching?
- Yeah, Trevor.
What have you been watching?
Oh, um, I... just, you know,
just, like, a lot of stuff about Hitler.
Um, been watching, like, uh,
some YouTube videos about Sandy Hook.
Um...
Whether or not it was real or...
'cause there... they think there
might have been crisis actors.
- I-I think it was real.
- Oh, my God.
Have you guys been watching
Sexy Trust Fund Deejays?
Ah! So good. -Wait, literally,
been meaning to, like,
- tell me everything.
- The best show.
So she's this sexy trust fund deejay...
Who has the cutest dog.
And she goes to Ibiza and just
does her own thing.
SHANCY:
She does, like, her own thing.
♪ From Gilgamesh to Beowulf ♪
♪ To the Odyssey ♪
♪ Every time
has a story to tell ♪
♪ And pass down
through history ♪
♪ Ishmael went out
searching for whales ♪
♪ And Gatsby longed
for acceptance ♪
♪ Tom and Huck went
and ran all amok ♪
♪ And we've been talking
about them ever since ♪
♪ Long after
the people are gone ♪
♪ The stories that represent
them still last ♪
♪ The written letter helps us
know a little better ♪
♪ Our ancestors from the past ♪
♪ And we are no different
from they ♪
♪ We've all chosen our own story
that will now live on ♪
♪ And summarize
our current day ♪
♪ And represent us now forever
in the great beyond ♪
♪ Little girl wanted to be
famous so bad ♪
♪ So bad ♪
♪ 'Cause she had
a semi-famous dad ♪
♪ A famous dad ♪
♪ 'Cause he was friends
with a murderer ♪
♪ Who was on TV ♪
♪ Well, she had no TV murder
friends like her pa ♪
♪ But she had one that was
in the gossip mags a lot ♪
♪ Mags a lot♪ -♪ And 'cause
her grandfather owned hotels ♪
♪ And had made a lot of money ♪
♪ Well, that friend blew a guy
on videotape ♪
♪ And the news talked about it
for six weeks straight ♪
♪ And our hero had a plan
to get that fame ♪
♪ That she so craved ♪
♪ She got the guy who played the
brother on that Moeshashow ♪
♪ And they filmed themselves
going hard as they could go ♪
- ♪ And ♪
- ♪ Hard as they could go ♪
♪ We've been paying attention to
her for the whole last decade ♪
♪ It was the story of you ♪
♪ It was the story of me ♪
♪ It was the story we choose ♪
♪ To pass down through history ♪
♪ It was the story of us ♪
♪ And of our time here ♪
♪ What we were about ♪
♪ And the heroes we cheered ♪
♪ It was the story of our time ♪
♪ More dense and rich
than any script ♪
♪ That Tolstoy ever wrote ♪
♪ The epic would take
years to tell ♪
♪ But here are the CliffNotes ♪
♪ It's started when Kim's mom
and dad were celebrating ♪
♪ Their anniversary ♪
♪ Kim bought them
a stripper pole ♪
♪ And gave it to them
at their party ♪
♪ Then Kim and Khloe
went to a shoot ♪
♪ For Girls Gone Wild
down in Mexico ♪
♪ Down in Mexico ♪
♪ Their dad found out
and followed them ♪
♪ So he could tell them no ♪
♪ So he could tell them no ♪
♪ Then the mom tried to convince
Kim to do Playboy ♪
- ♪ And Khloe got a DUI ♪
- ♪ Got a DUI ♪
♪ Kourtney had a pregnancy scare
and then she started to cry ♪
♪ She started to cry ♪
♪ Khloe gives a makeover
to a homeless man ♪
♪ Nude photos of Kourtney come
out and she cries again ♪
♪ The mom decides
to build a chicken coup ♪
♪ Kim goes and does
some sort of calendar shoot ♪
♪ The mom real drunk
and gets a tattoo ♪
♪ The son wants to model
and drop out of school ♪
♪ The dad goes and gets
some plastic surgery ♪
♪ Kim goes to Comic-Con
for Disaster Movie ♪
♪ Khloe marries
a basketball guy ♪
♪ Kourtney's boyfriend gets
drunk, so again she cries ♪
♪ The mom tries out
to be a cheerleader ♪
♪ They meet a family
from Hurricane Katrina ♪
♪ They get a Chihuahua and give
it back 'cause it's sick ♪
♪ Kourtney and her boyfriend
split up 'cause he is a dick ♪
♪ Then they get back together
'cause they have a kid ♪
♪ Kim kisses her bodyguard
and can't believe what she did ♪
♪ Khloe loses a ring
and then starts to cry ♪
♪ Kim marries a totally
different basketball guy ♪
♪ The mom has surgery
to get bigger breasts ♪
♪ Kim is shocked to find out
she has psoriasis ♪
♪ The dad shows off some
new earrings that he got ♪
♪ Khloe thinks
that she's pregnant ♪
♪ But it turns out she's not ♪
♪ Oprah comes by the house
to interview them ♪
♪ Kourtney
and her boyfriend fight ♪
- ♪ And she cries again ♪
- ♪ She's always crying ♪
♪ Khloe thinks
that she's adopted ♪
- ♪ And does a DNA test ♪
- ♪ Poor Kourtney ♪
♪ Then Kim starts to date Kanye
West ♪ -♪ Why you crying? ♪
♪ Kim gets scared of a spider
that she sees on the ceiling ♪
♪ Jimmy Fallon makes a joke
that hurts the dad's feelings ♪
♪ Kim gets pregnant
and she gets really big ♪
♪ The mom for some reason
babysits a pig ♪
♪ The dad tells everyone
that now he's a girl ♪
♪ The mom says she feels weird ♪
♪ That now the dad is a girl ♪
♪ Khloe gives basketball guy
another chance ♪
♪ Kim gets robbed of her jewelry
when she visits France ♪
♪ Kourtney starts to cry again
for some reason ♪
♪ And that's basically
what happens ♪
♪ In the first 12 seasons ♪
♪ It was the story of you ♪
♪ It was the story of me ♪
♪ We voted with our views ♪
♪ On our phones,
tablets and TVs ♪
♪ This was the story of us ♪
♪ As we begin our fall ♪
♪ A family of the times ♪
♪ And the lessons that
they taught us all ♪
♪ If you wanna make it
in the world today ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ If you wanna make it
in the world today ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ If you wanna make it
in the world today ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ You'll never make it
if you're hung up on dignity ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ You can't expect to just
start up at Kanye ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ Point your phone at your ass ♪
♪ And start snapping away ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ Blow your boyfriend and give
your mom the videotape ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ Be an icon
just for not going away ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ Make your voice heard ♪
♪ Even if you've
nothing to say ♪
♪ Sometimes you gotta fuck
Moesha's brother ♪
♪ We can change this, but we
gotta start looking away. ♪
CANDACE:
Trevor... Trevor...
Trevor, what is wrong with you?
Are you not even paying attention?
Sorry. Huh?
What do you want to drink?
Oh, um, yeah, I'll just have
an iced tea. -Iced tea.
SHANCY:
Guys...
This is my boyfriend.
Oh, my God, he's socute.
Can I actually change that to a tequila?
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- This is Brlayden.
- Hey, guys.
Hi, Brayden.
Uh, "Brlayden."
With a "luh."
Ah.
Sorry if I'm sweaty,
I just got back from CrossFit.
Oh, Brlayden does CrossFit.
- Oh, I heard about that.
- Have you heard about CrossFit?
- I just said I had. Yeah.
- Yeah,
me and my CrossFit buddies
are doing a mud run
for cyberbullying awareness
about cyberbullying.
Brlayden is very conscious about issues.
- Ooh.
- Yeah. It's a really good cause,
because a lot of kids are
being bullied online cyberly,
and we're gonna run in the mud for them.
SHANCY:
Remember, next week starts
Bully Prevention Week,
so make sure that everybody
change their profile pics.
Did you change your profile pic?
- Obviously.
- Okay.
I mean, duh. -Trevor, are you
gonna change your profile pic?
Uh, no, probably not, no.
- Oh, you gotta do it.
- Definitely.
- Change your profile pic.
- Nah, I just, I...
I just don't like to do
that... kind of stuff.
- What stuff? Good stuff?
- Stuff that helps kids
get not bullied.
No, no, no, I just...
I just... you know,
I just don't...
I don't like to, like,
you know... millennial.
- It's justa profile pic.
- Yeah, change your pic.
You want to be on
the right side of history, bro.
Change your fucking profile pic.
Change it.
- I-I don't...
- Change your pic.
- Bro, change the pic.
- I don't want to change it.
Ow. -Change your fucking
profile pic!
It's to fight bullying!
♪ I saw a story about a girl ♪
♪ Not even 20 yet ♪
♪ She was bullied
by some trolls ♪
♪ Just for being different ♪
♪ And as I read,
I wondered how much further ♪
♪ We'd be along ♪
♪ If all society's bullies ♪
♪ Just disappeared
and were gone ♪
♪ It's not okay to say
that someone ♪
♪ Is different from us all ♪
♪ Assuming we are right
and big ♪
♪ And that they are wrong
and small ♪
♪ There's no excuse
to make this poor girl feel ♪
♪ She's off the plan ♪
♪ Even if she self-identifies
as a... ♪
Wolf?
♪ Are you fucking kidding me,
a goddamn wolf? ♪
♪ That's who the stupid kid
thinks she is? ♪
♪ Thank God I kept on reading ♪
♪ Can't believe
I almost re-tweeted this ♪
♪ You're not a martyr
or a victim ♪
♪ Just an attention whore ♪
♪ Making a mockery of legit ♪
♪ Social movements from before ♪
♪ You're literally crying wolf
while kids out there ♪
♪ Are getting disowned
for being gay ♪
♪ So don't claim discrimination
'cause you know damn well ♪
♪ It's not the same, in fact,
I take back what I said ♪
♪ Who knows where
we would be today ♪
♪ Or what other crap ♪
♪ These coddled kids
would come up with ♪
♪ If the bullies go away ♪
♪ If the bullies
go away ♪
♪ If the bullies go away ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Life is an ecosystem,
at least that's what they say ♪
♪ You got to think
about what happens ♪
♪ When you take one piece away ♪
♪ And when we cracked down
on the bullies ♪
♪ Perhaps we just went too far ♪
♪ 'Cause with nothin'
but encouragement ♪
♪ These kids
don't even know what they are ♪
♪ One thinks
that she's a vampire ♪
♪ This one thinks
that he's a wolf ♪
♪ This one's got a pony toy ♪
♪ And jerkin' off
onto its hooves ♪
♪ This one bought a pillow
printed with an anime cartoon ♪
♪ He's bringing it
to family functions ♪
♪ Saying that it's his waifu ♪
♪ This one self-identifies
as the planet Mercury ♪
♪ She's a genderfluid otherkin
who's proud that she's obese ♪
♪ Reality's a trigger word,
so we're quickly losing touch ♪
♪ We need some kids
to have the balls to say ♪
♪ You all are fucking nuts!
♪ Look, you're not an animal ♪
♪ No matter
how you fucking feel ♪
♪ Vampires and werewolves
are not even fucking real ♪
♪ Bullies, you need
to right the ship ♪
♪ Put us back on proper course,
you need to come back ♪
♪ And restore some balance
to the Force ♪
♪ That's a Star Warsquote
I used ♪
♪ Please make fun of me
for that ♪
♪ Say my songs are never funny ♪
♪ And I'm looking old and fat ♪
♪ You've still got it all
within you ♪
♪ You just have to believe ♪
♪ So dust yourself off,
get on out there ♪
♪ And go give some kids
swirlies ♪
♪ Shove 'em in the lockers,
give 'em wedgies ♪
♪ You do what you do,
haters gonna hate ♪
♪ And for that,
we depend on you ♪
♪ Our skin is getting thinner
each and every single day ♪
♪ And there'll be nobody left
to guide us back if all ♪
♪ The bullies go away ♪
♪ Life's an ecosystem ♪
That's right, bullies.
♪ At least that's what ♪
♪ They say ♪ -Never stop
believing in yourself.
♪ You got to think about ♪
- ♪ What happens when ♪
- Don't let anybody
- ♪ You take one piece away ♪
- try to change who you are.
- ♪ If the bullies go away ♪
- You are necessary.
♪ If the bullies ♪
- ♪ Go away ♪
- You matter.
- ♪ If the bullies go away ♪
- So the next time
somebody tries to tell you
not to make fun of someone
who's being a total weirdo,
- ♪ If the bullies go away ♪
- just think of this song.
♪ Go away, go away, go away... ♪
I'm sorry. Are you...
are you Brlayden?
Guilty.
We're your biggest fans.
Can we please -Yeah.
- get a picture?
- Yeah, sure.
You just gotta tag me in it.
Mmm. Aah.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah, thank you.
- We-we reallylove you.
- Ah, I love y'all.
Y'all are so... just sexy kids.
Don't ever grow up. Huh?
Uh, I didn't realize this
CrossFit thing was so popular.
Brlayden has his own YouTube channel.
Oh. -Yeah, we just hit
four million subs.
It's mostly I'm critiquing reviews
of people doing video game
walk-throughs. -Mm-hmm.
Oh, so you, like...
so you, like, review
other people playing video games?
No. Other people do that.
- Yeah, I review the reviews...
- Mm-hmm.
...of the reviews
of people playing video games.
I don't get it.
- He's retarded.
- Hey. I thought it was
not cool to say that word anymore.
You still can if it's a white man.
That's true. It's so hard
with these new algorithms.
You know, a lot of views
are being decentralized now,
from Facebook and Twitter and Twitch
and musical. ly, Instagram,
all types of stuff.
Vietnam, Noriega,
- Ali Baba, Aladdin...
- Yeah.
♪ ♪
♪ Nikola came from Croatia ♪
♪ In 1884 ♪
♪ He got a job for medicine ♪
♪ When he reached
the U.S. shore ♪
♪ He invented the radio ♪
♪ Lasers, motors and X-rays ♪
♪ And the electric current ♪
♪ That powers our world today ♪
♪ He dreamed up unlimited energy
everyone could have for free ♪
♪ But he passed away ♪
♪ Alone and in debt ♪
♪ So his dreams would never be ♪
♪ Brayden has
a YouTube channel called ♪
♪ Statutory Vape ♪
♪ He makes 600 grand a month ♪
♪ And he's only 28 ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Life isn't fair ♪
♪ Tesla died penniless,
and YouTube stars are ♪
♪ Millionaires ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Life isn't fair ♪
♪ Makeup tutorials ♪
♪ Instead of energy
from the air ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Nikola made a power plant ♪
♪ That harnessed Niagara Falls ♪
♪ Cammy speeds
her voice up fast ♪
♪ Then unwraps things
from the mall ♪
♪ Nikola thought up robotics ♪
♪ Before anyone else did ♪
♪ Dylan takes clips
other people made ♪
♪ And then shows them to kids ♪
♪ Nikola discovered
that the atmosphere ♪
♪ Could help power
the whole world ♪
♪ Cobb discovered
that you get more views ♪
♪ If your thumbnail's
a hot girl ♪
♪ Nikola made flying machines
that we still can't recreate ♪
♪ Jake is the most annoying
person in the world ♪
♪ But eight-year-olds think
that he's great ♪
♪ Nikola found radio signals
from planets round the galaxy ♪
♪ Tommy beats up all his kids
and says they're Prince ♪
♪ Which I'll admit
is fun to see ♪
♪ But still ♪
♪ Life isn't fair ♪
♪ Tesla died penniless ♪
♪ And YouTube stars are
millionaires, whoa ♪
♪ God isn't fair ♪
♪ Or else he's blind
to injustice ♪
♪ Or just ♪
♪ Doesn't care, whoa ♪
♪ The universe is cold
and unfeeling ♪
♪ Our progress...
it doesn't give a damn ♪
♪ If Tesla wanted funds
to get his work done ♪
♪ He should have invented
the Internet ♪
♪ And the webcam,
whoa, oh-oh ♪
♪ Life isn't fair ♪
♪ Tesla died penniless and
YouTube stars are millionaires ♪
♪ Whoa, oh-oh ♪
♪ And God isn't fair ♪
♪ And if you like
this song please ♪
♪ Press subscribe right there. ♪
Trevor does Internet videos,
too. -What's your highest
- view count?
- TREVOR: Um, actually,
you know, have, uh, some that
have, like, a couple million.
Yeah, that's, uh...
You got to start somewhere.
Actually, my biggest view count
came from an exposé I did.
Yeah, I found this other
YouTuber in middle school.
He left a Facebook comment demeaning women.
Middle school women,
so I popped that cherry
on him... my exposé.
Next thing you know, he lost
half his subs, his real job
and his channel.
- That's so good.
- See, Trevor?
Those are the videos you should be making.
Oh, yeah, right. He actually
likes all that sexist stuff.
What? What?
-CANDACE: Well, yeah, you're
sexist. -TREVOR: What? Candace.
I'm not sexist. What are you...
what are you talking about?
- Yes, you are.
- What have I done that's sexist?
I mean, you didn't like Hillary.
- -Uh, that...
- that-that's not fair.
CANDACE: I'm telling you,
he's one of those,
- like, alt-right troll people.
- Uh-uh. -TREVOR: Whoa.
I am... I am not alt-right.
I'm not alt-right.
How am I alt-right?
Trevor, you didn't like Hamilton.
- -What?!
- TREVOR: I didn't see it.
- You didn't wantto see it.
- I...
I don't like musicals, but
that doesn't make me alt-right.
I'm not alt-right.
I think that whole
alt-right thing is retarded.
- -Oh, my God!
- You cannot use that word!
They're-they're white. -I'm
actually doing some co-branding
with this new app that, like,
helps you get involved
in stuff. -Mm-hmm.
What's it called? -Like,
Helps You Get Involved in Stuff.
It can do all kinds of magic.
Basically
tells you who your congressman is,
calls them, and then gives you,
like, this nice little script to read
so you sound like you know
what you're talking about.
- That's amazing.
- I'm doing it right now.
- Make a difference.
- Wait. What are you doing?
She's calling our congressman
'cause we're sick of this shit.
Okay, it says vote "yes" on prop 594.
- TREVOR: What-what does that do?
- That makes it a felony
to be mean to people online.
Well, that's a little insane, isn't it?
What do you mean, insane?
Insane? -Doesn't this all seem
a little crazy? I mean,
doesn't it seem like,
at a certain point, we're just
constantly looking for stuff
to be upset about?
So you think we should just be
okay with how things are?
No, no, no, no.
No. Look, I know
that the world has a lot of
problems, and-and, you know...
and it's good that people want
to stop those problems, but,
I mean, it's just every day,
I can't... I can't be upset
about everything every day.
Can't I have outrage fatigue?
BRLAYDEN:
Yeah, must be tough for, like,
a white male having
to deal with all this stuff.
Look, no, it's-it's not that.
ALL: It is that. -Okay,
maybe it is. I don't know.
I'm just saying, is it a crime
to not take everything seriously?
Yes, dude. We don't even know
how long we are here on this
ball of dirt.
Sometimes we aren't sure.
And we have some responsibilities
to make good content, to put it out there
and to push the ball forward.
- Everyone has something to say.
- What are yougoing to say?
BRLAYDEN:
What areyou gonna say?
CANDACE:
Say something. Trevor?
♪ There's a lot
of arguing today ♪
♪ No one listens
what the others say ♪
♪ Was Jesus or Muhammad right? ♪
♪ No one can agree
so everyone just fights ♪
♪ Is this joke offensive,
is it fine? ♪
♪ Is the wrong pronoun
actually a hate crime? ♪
♪ Who comes into the country
and in what amounts? ♪
♪ It's easy to get distracted
from what really counts ♪
♪ So shut the fuck up ♪
♪ Just shut the fuck up ♪
♪ There's a meteor coming
and it's gonna blow us all up ♪
♪ There's a meteor coming
from outer space ♪
♪ And if we don't figure
how to get off of this place ♪
♪ It's gonna wipe out
the whole human race ♪
♪ And all our evolution
was a great big waste ♪
♪ I'm offended
at the words you said ♪
♪ Two dudes should never go
to bed ♪
♪ The Right is dumb
and the Left is smart ♪
♪ You'll go to Hell
if God's not in your heart ♪
♪ This bathroom is only
for people born girls ♪
♪ There should be no guns left
in the world ♪
♪ Health care should be
a single-payer plan ♪
♪ We can't let them get
a power plant in Iran ♪
♪ Everybody's college
should be for free ♪
♪ You're not allowed to vote
without an ID ♪
♪ Kaboom! An asteroid
fucks our shit up ♪
♪ So everybody please
shut the fuck up ♪
♪ Shut the fuck up ♪
♪ Shut the fuck up ♪
♪ There's a meteor coming
and it's gonna blow us all up ♪
♪ There's a meteor coming
from outer space ♪
♪ And if we don't figure
how to get off of this place ♪
♪ It's gonna wipe out
the whole human race ♪
♪ And all our evolution
was a great big waste ♪
♪ So shut the fuck up. ♪
♪ So shut the fuck up. ♪
Fuck you.
You're a Nazi.
Eat shit and die!
You need help, dude.
Still working, or are we all done?
No, I'm... I'm done.
Great. I'll just leave this
right here.
Oh, wait, wait.
Hold on.
- Here.
- Oh.
- Here you go.
- Oh, um, it's a chip,
so you just stick it
right in there. We use the chip.
You serious? -Yeah, you just
stick it right in there.
You know what?
I got one more.
♪ We don't have a lot of time
in this place ♪
♪ A couple rotations as
we're spinning through space ♪
♪ Life is short ♪
♪ That's the blessing
and curse ♪
♪ But when you're gone, did
you leave it better or worse? ♪
♪ Through your love or your
ideas or your work or your art ♪
♪ Every single one of us
does play a part ♪
♪ But there's only one
for whom this song I sing ♪
♪ And it's the guy
who invented ♪
♪ Those credit card
chip reader things ♪
♪ Fuck you and your family ♪
♪ You fucking son of a bitch ♪
♪ Eat shit and die ♪
♪ We were doing fine
with those old credit cards ♪
♪ Then you invented this shit ♪
♪ Please tell us why ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ I really want to know ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ And I don't wanna hear ♪
♪ Well, it actually makes it
harder to steal your number ♪
♪ And it keeps you more secure
from a cyber attack ♪
♪ Well, guess what,
they're gonna figure out ♪
♪ How to hack this shit, too,
and who cares? ♪
♪ Nowadays
the credit cards companies ♪
♪ Just fucking pay you back ♪
♪ Something that used
to just take seconds ♪
♪ Now easily takes
a minute and a half ♪
♪ Multiply that
by four transactions a day ♪
♪ That's six whole minutes
that we won't get back ♪
♪ 180 minutes a month ♪
♪ Or 2,772 hours
over the average lifetime ♪
♪ So you've sentenced each
and every one of us ♪
♪ To 115 days in the fucking
Whole Foods line ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ I'm trying to understand ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ Maybe you hate your kids ♪
♪ Maybe you hate your wife ♪
♪ Maybe you feel
that when you're at home ♪
♪ That it's strangling
out your life ♪
♪ Maybe you make up reasons you
have to run out to the store ♪
♪ Maybe
when you're done shopping ♪
♪ You just want
to stay some more ♪
♪ And as you're moving up
in line ♪
♪ Getting closer
to the cashier ♪
♪ Maybe the life you've made
and must return to ♪
♪ Floods your mind with fear ♪
♪ Maybe you'd even
sell your soul ♪
♪ For just
an extra few minutes ♪
♪ 'Cause
that's the only reason ♪
♪ I can think of
you'd invent this stupid shit ♪
♪ Fuck you and your family ♪
♪ I hope you die
in front of your kids ♪
♪ And as the light of life
leaves your eyes ♪
♪ You realize
just what you did ♪
♪ 'Cause of your stupid way
to buy ♪
♪ I really wanna watch you pay ♪
♪ 'Cause all you did
with your time here ♪
♪ Is go and take our time away ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong with swiping? ♪
♪ What was wrong
with swiping? ♪
♪ Fuck you and your family ♪
♪ You fucking son of a bitch ♪
♪ Eat shit and die ♪
♪ We were doing fine
with those old credit cards ♪
♪ Then you invented
this shit ♪
♪ Please tell me why. ♪
I think I need to ask you to leave.
Yeah, uh, I get that.
Sorry.
Um, is okay if I stay here for a minute
- while I call an Uber, though?
- No.